It's been a long time since I last wrote...
but because of my shoulder...
I find it difficult to lift a pen.
So I recorded this cassette for you...
my son in America.
It will save you lots on phone bills, too.
My shoulder has been hurting
since menopause began.
They say after two more years,
it won't hurt anymore.
So, Pa has retired from the Army,
and now he's acting strange.
Before he was a general...
in charge of thousands of troops.
Now he's here at home...
commanding only me and old Chang...
and he's getting very cranky.
It's hard for him to run things.
Maybe it's because I'm getting old,
and he's getting older...
and you're not getting any younger yourself.
When will you marry?
You know, Pa came from China to Taiwan
by himself...
and you're his only precious son.
So don't be such a snob!
Last week we enrolled you
into Taipei's best singles club...
and they'll send you a computer form...
for you to describe your ideal woman.
All their girls have impeccable backgrounds.
They are well-educated, well brought up...
elegant and very attractive...
like Mrs. Quian's daughter,
the one you refused to marry.
Please, son. Don't be so choosy.
Relax. Stretch.
As a great Chinese poet once said:
What's that supposed to mean?
If you don't Zen out, you'll be murdered
by your physical therapist.
Simon, there's a call for you.
Hello.
If I give you $1,
will you stop playing for a minute?
- Simon?
- Yeah, where are you?
In the city. Come here and meet me.
I'll take you out to dinner.
You're still mad?
It's just we've been
planning this trip for months.
All you had to do was tell me.
But I can't control
when zoning boards meet.
We'll get time together, I promise.
Just come home tonight, okay?
We'll talk about it later.
Sure. I'm going by
the Williamsburg Building first.
I'll be home by 7:00.
Wai Tung! Wow! What a coincidence!
You live in Brooklyn?
No, in Manhattan.
What are you up to?
Last time I saw you
was before my operation.
They put 33 different wires,
but you can hardly notice...
only the skin graft.
Sorry, but I'm late. Call me sometime.
Yeah, let's get together.
Just like the old days.
You're eating too fast.
I'm nervous. If they let me convert
the Hudson building, I'll make millions.
If not, we couldn't even afford
a vacation in the Poconos.
What's the point of being able
to afford a vacation...
if you won't even take time off to have one?
Speaking of which,
Steve and Andrew just got back from Belize.
They hated the hotel.
Was that the one we were going to stay in?
So I guess it's great we didn't go.
Simon, I'm really sorry.
But I've made up my mind.
I'm taking you to Paris in September,
right after the zoning hearing.
It will be a birthday present.
You're such a jerk.
Hey, you homo!
What are you doing in this neighborhood?
Hello.
Don't joke about it.
You know the Witchells down the street?
Check them out.
Cute.
Do you and the mighty Wai want to go shoot
some hoops later, maybe around 2:00?
Wai has to run into Williamsburg
and deal with some tenant stuff.
I might be able to make it though.
- I'll call you.
- Just show up.
- See you.
- Bye.
If they're not off the sidewalk by 10:00,
I get a ticket.
- Sorry, boss.
- You're sorry?
Those tickets cost me $175.
If I get another one,
it's coming out of your salary.
Who is it?
The nasty landlord.
This floor has been liberated...
but since you're so handsome,
you may come in.
This is not rent.
Simon says these will be worth a lot
some day.
Simon is not the landlord,
and I don't know modern art.
But you like me. It's my fate.
I always fall for handsome gay men.
Bullshit! Don't try
to trade paintings for rent.
What a racket!
It's to block the noise. I can't concentrate.
- You like Taiwanese music?
- Anything to block the noise.
What's this painting called?
"Heat."
And if you shut it off, the whole building
will be without hot water.
Then don't touch it.
Can't you fix it? It's so hot in here.
How am I to live like this?
It's not a living space.
That's why the rent is so low.
I've tried it for a year. It's stuck.
What's this?
My depression special.
You're really that poor?
Just depressed.
Immigration showed up at work yesterday.
Luckily I got there late.
As usual.
Yes.
They got Emily.
If they get me,
I'll be meeting Emily in Shanghai.
Emily was my best friend.
Now I've lost my job and my friend.
I'm sorry.
You have no relatives here?
They sponsored me.
I can't trouble them again.
I'm not like you, rich...
American citizen.
I'm not as rich as you think.
All my money is stuck in here.
Then thanks for the extra investment
in my loft.
Actually, I kind of like this one.
It's pretty good. I'll take it as rent...
for the last two months also.
Thank you, Wai Tung.
Okay.
When will you fix the sink?
Say hi to Simon.
Simon's lucky to have
a handsome and rich boyfriend.
Ask him to get me one, too,
then I'll pay the rent.
My perfect woman.
What? Another one?
Don't those things cost a fortune?
Yes, but how can I tell them
to stop paying for them?
Why don't you just tell them?
Shit.
No, really, Wai.
Someday, I'm just going to call your father
and tell him myself.
I told mine.
Look at yourself. Your parents
send you a form in the mail...
and you practically pee your pants.
You are an adult. As a matter of fact,
you're practically middle-aged.
Fuck you!
- Let me check this out. Education, right?
- Yes.
- She must have a Ph.D.
- No, two Ph. Ds.
One in Physics.
- And she should be an opera singer.
- And 6 feet tall.
Let's not go overboard.
She's Chinese, after all.
- And she should speak five languages.
- Good.
You're right.
It's kind of stupid, all these lies.
But I'm used to it.
- I got you a little present.
- Me? Why?
Shut up and open it.
For the busy entrepreneur.
Go ahead, try it.
Hello.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Yeah. But if I sell it to the S-Corporation...
and they reappraise the building,
it'll kill me at tax time.
Fax this to Chow.
Okay, I'll sign it if you say so.
But if it costs me,
it's coming out of your salary.
Boss, Miss Wei Wei called
complaining about the heat.
Heat? What heat?
It's June.
Son, you must be surprised
to get another cassette so soon.
I have good news.
Your singles club
found a near match for you.
She's 5" 8" tall...
and although she only has
one doctorate degree...
she is also an opera singer...
and she speaks five languages.
Dad and I are going to give you a surprise.
We're flying her to New York
so you can meet her.
Her name is Wu Ren Ren,
but everyone calls her Little Sister Mao.
She'll be staying
with her cousin in New York...
and will arrive in two weeks.
Please pick her up at the airport.
Aren't you excited? We are.
I'm exhausted. Sorry to put you out.
Sister Mao, how's your dad, Mr. Mao...
I mean Mr. Wu.
He's fine, thank you.
You have your cousin's address?
Of course! I'm not a kid.
I know.
Sister Mao, your luggage is so heavy!
Why didn't you use cargo?
I did! Half the stuff here
is for you from your mother.
I'm sorry.
I'll buy you dinner tonight for that.
So heavy!
Where's your car?
First time in America?
No. I sang at the San Francisco Opera
for two years.
Opera, yes.
- Are you a fan?
- Yes. Pavarotti.
Nothing.
The service here is lousy.
So, you've met my parents?
Your mom.
Your dad was still in the hospital.
Hospital? When?
About two weeks ago. He had a stroke.
Didn't you know?
No, nobody told me.
I'm sorry. Me and my big mouth.
Your mom probably
didn't want you to worry.
No. Thanks for letting me know.
Your mom told me that when they took him
in the ambulance...
there was a huge traffic jam.
He was in pain, really suffering.
She thought he was going to die...
but he hung on...
for one last wish.
What wish?
To hold his grandchild.
He'll be fine, don't worry.
May I take your order?
Wei Wei, you got a new job?
What's it to you?
This is Miss Wu. Just arrived from Taipei.
She's an opera singer.
Wei Wei is a squatter. A tenant of mine.
I spoke to Simon on the phone.
Simon? How's he doing?
He likes the painting I gave you.
He told me you had some family business
to attend to today.
Is this it?
Does Simon know?
It's not what you think.
You told me you're gay and I believed you.
Why didn't you just tell me
I'm not your type?
Is there some kind of problem here?
Poor Simon. I pity him!
Hey, wait. Shit!
Why don't they quit after dinner?
Why did you join the singles club?
I didn't. Like you, my mom did it.
I have a white boyfriend,
and I don't have the guts to tell them.
Really?
- Where did you learn to sing?
- Dong Wu University.
You don't speak like a singer.
One doesn't speak like one sings.
Is that so?
- Are you really an opera fan?
- No.
Thought so. Pity.
What is it, three more flights?
You must forgive me. I'm so ashamed.
When Simon told me the story...
I felt like jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.
No, it's for me to apologize.
You've been having so many troubles,
and all I do is pressure you for rent.
Here. I brought you an air conditioner.
But the electricity costs?
Out of work again.
I'm such a fool.
Always hoping you'll like me.
Anyway, Wai and I would like
to invite you out to dinner.
- It will be my farewell dinner.
- Your what?
Really. I can't last any longer.
No money, no job, no green card.
No stupid American will marry me.
What about Boris?
I thought he was gonna marry you.
He was. But he wanted $5,000.
What! What about Andre,
that guy you were seeing?
He wanted to marry me, too,
but it turns out he's Albanian...
and doesn't have a green card himself.
I'm such an idiot.
I said forget about it.
Don't you see?
This way Wei Wei can stay here and paint...
and you can finally
get your parents off your back.
Forget about it.
We can move her into the basement
until the immigration exam.
Take some photos, send them back
to your mom and dad, and perfect!
Forget it.
And as a married couple,
you'll be able to take a big tax break.
Got it?
We'll back up.
Wai Tung's clothes. Shirts, underwear.
He wears Jockey, but he sleeps in boxers.
And here, all the stuff
he gets from his parents.
Mega polyester,
but he saves the shit religiously.
The couch is his own little world.
Here, piles of unread magazines.
World Trade, Advocate, UW, and Fortune.
He's such a disgusting yuppie.
And, of course, the phone,
which he hogs like a total pig.
Extra pillows,
'cause he likes to drop off to sleep here.
Sometimes I have to carry him up to bed.
He showers in the morning
unless he goes to the gym...
which is if he's in a bad mood
or we've had a fight.
He doesn't smoke or drink,
unless we fought or he's in a mood bad.
No junk food either.
Unless you've been fighting
or he's in bad mood.
On his right side?
The birthmark is on his right side,
the mole is on his left side.
Do the questions really get this personal?
- Yes, they do, and if you don't pass...
- I'll pass.
Let's see, today's Friday.
You're wearing blue Jockey shorts.
Hello.
Ma? Hello, how are you?
How's Pa?
You got my letter?
Like I've told you,
I've been dating Wei Wei for two years.
She's from the mainland,
and we've decided to settle down together.
I didn't tell you because I was afraid
you wouldn't approve.
What! You're coming here? The 15th?
To arrange the wedding?
No. Of course I want you to do it.
It's only once in a lifetime...
but with Pa's health,
he shouldn't make such a long trip.
What if...
Don't say that.
Of course you'll see your grandchild.
I won't disappoint you.
I was just concerned.
Ma, talk to him.
Tell him not to be so sensitive.
Okay, I'll call tomorrow.
Bye.
Did you understand any of that?
Unfortunately, I think so.
This was your big idea.
How long are they coming for?
Just a short visit. Two weeks!
Good night.
God, I'm so nervous.
Relax. The in-laws want to meet
even an ugly bride.
How about an ugly son-in-law?
Here they come.
Wai Tung! I missed you so much!
- Are you tired?
- Slept all the way.
I'm not as lucky.
But I feel better now that I see you.
- Pa, you're so thin!
- You look good.
Where's Wei Wei?
Over there.
Pleased to meet you.
You're prettier in person. You cut your hair?
Short hair is nicer.
Thanks for caring for our son.
He takes care of me.
We're blocking traffic. Let's leave.
Allow me.
Where did you find such a beauty?
I placed an ad for an apartment
two years ago.
Twenty people answered.
Wei Wei was one of them.
Good. My investment paid off.
What do you think?
She'll make lots of babies.
How long are you here?
Over three years. Never been back.
And your family?
I have my mom, dad,
and a kid brother in school.
What do they do?
Her Pa works at a hospital
and her mom teaches art.
Good.
It's traditional that we bring
the Gift of Four Colors...
to formally propose to your parents.
My parents are happy.
They've seen pictures of Wai Tung...
and I talk about him all the time,
and they like him...
but it's impossible for them
to come here from the mainland.
Too bad.
Hi.
This is Simon, my roommate and landlord.
It is pleasure, Mr. And Mrs. Gao.
Welcome, my home.
You speak Chinese!
Thank you for caring for our son
and letting us stay here.
- Pa, he doesn't understand.
- No?
A little.
Tell him his home is beautiful.
Shall we help you up to your room?
That'd be great.
How come you rent from Simon
and don't live in your own building?
The building is a dump. You can't live there.
We are looking for a new home.
We'll move after the wedding.
- Nice place.
- Yeah, the air is fresh.
Now that you're getting married,
I've got something to tell you.
You know why I went into the Army?
Because you wanted to fight
with General Chiang against the Japanese.
No. I had to run away, so I joined the Army.
Your grandpa arranged a marriage.
I got angry and just took off.
We fought the Japs and the Communists...
and then I went to Taiwan.
One day, a relative escaped
and brought a letter from grandpa...
that said the Gao family was gone...
and it was up to me
to continue the family name.
I can't tell you how I feel...
about being at your wedding!
You should have stayed home and rested.
You want to take a bath before dinner?
You'll feel better.
Stir-fry it a little bit longer
and then drain the juice.
- Thanks for cooking.
- It's nothing.
- Feeling better?
- Yes!
- Where's Pa? Dinner is ready.
- He's coming.
I'll set the table.
They're over there.
Wai Tung is lucky.
He found a girl who can cook.
Today that's rare.
When did I write this?
Two years ago. It's my favorite,
that's why it's in the living room.
This is very good.
Not one bad stroke. Not easy to do.
Pa, dinner is ready.
See how this compares
to Old Chang's cooking.
Of all your scrolls, this is my favorite.
It's really great art.
How so?
The Wang Hsi Zhi school
emphasizes harmony and nature.
Your Wang style of calligraphy
reflects a beautiful structure...
combined with unrefined purity.
Bei Qu Yi's poem and your writing
flow naturally.
That art is not often attained.
And every stroke is perfect.
That shows your steadiness.
It's a sign of longevity.
She's more expert than you, son.
Of course. She's an art student.
- Food is getting cold. Let's eat.
- Wei Wei, we're so much trouble.
Not at all. It's something I want to do.
Pa, taste the shredded tofu,
see if you like it.
Very good.
Right amount of soda, perfect soaking time.
Just the right tenderness.
- He likes it?
- Yeah.
Wei Wei, what an effort!
Not really.
I bet it's not as good as Old Chang's.
Yours is better. His is too salty.
What does he mean?
A gift to our future daughter-in-law
for taking care of our son.
What's this?
He is in your hands now.
Then I can't refuse.
We bought these pearls in Japan.
Please wear them at the wedding.
How beautiful!
They're natural pearls, not cultured.
This red coral pin is from Malaysia.
It's gorgeous! This is too much!
It's a bracelet.
Here is my wedding Chi-Pao gown.
Please try it on. Can we have it altered?
Probably in Chinatown.
It's a real treasure. I brought it
from the mainland when I was young.
This quality and workmanship,
you can't find it anymore.
I'll try it on.
Wait, one more.
This gold bracelet is from Old Chang.
He's worked for us for nearly 40 years.
He helped raise Wai Tung.
I'm speechless.
I'll try on the Chi-Pao.
She likes them!
And you said I shouldn't give my old things.
Simon has some gifts for you.
Oh, no. We are already your guests.
We can't accept gifts, too!
Just a little something.
You, heart problems...
and high pressure.
This... show pressure...
all times.
This facial cream, special...
for old ladies.
Put every night, stop wrinkles.
You want me to be forever young.
Yes. Never get old... older... old.
Look, it's perfect!
Look, it fits perfectly!
I knew it would fit. A mother-in-law knows.
It's a spiritual bond that passes
from generation to generation.
You were brought together by fate.
You and our son.
We call that:
"Fate will find you no matter how far apart."
Excellent!
This is Wai Tung's personal spoon.
I feel great. We walked for an hour.
I'll wash up.
Go wake up Simon.
What are you looking at?
Never seen eggs before?
Love muffin, time to make the doughnuts.
How was my performance on the first day?
About a B-plus.
I don't know,
we should have moved you out.
I'll survive.
Not if Wei Wei keeps cooking.
- Breakfast time.
- Okay.
What are our plans today?
We'll stay home this morning.
You can do some calligraphy.
This afternoon we'll get married.
- Get married?
- Who?
We are. You came for our wedding, right?
This afternoon?
Why wait?
We've prepared our marriage certificate...
and we have a marriage appointment at 2:00.
We planned to do it
one day after your arrival.
We came all this way.
How can you be so casual?
Ma, we're both very busy
and not much for ceremonies.
Besides, her parents can't make it,
so why not keep it simple?
This happens only once in a lifetime.
Think of the bride, if not yourself.
Our friends and relatives gave $30,000...
to have a grand wedding.
What will we tell them?
- We're not marrying for them.
- Lf not for them, then for whom?
Ma, it's okay. A wedding banquet
will not affect how we love each other.
We're not into these traditions.
Very well.
They're adults.
We'll do what they want!
Why should it be like this?
To have and to hold...
for better, for worse...
for richer, for poorer...
in sickness and in health...
till death do us part.
Rings.
Under the authority vested in me,
I now pronounce you are husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Excuse me, you guys.
You need to switch. You're on the outside.
Good. If there's any one here
who can now show just cause...
why these two may not be legally married
speak now, or hereafter hold your peace.
Good. Now repeat after me.
- "I Wee-Ton..."
- Wai Tung.
- Okay. "Take you, Wee-Wee..."
- Wei Wei.
- Okay. "Wei Wei, to be my wedded wife."
- To be my wedded wife.
"To have and to hold...
"for better, for worse...
"for richer, for poorer...
"in sickness and in health...
"till death do us part."
Okay, now, you.
- "I, Wee-Wee..."
- Wee-Wee.
- "...take you, Wai Tung..."
- Wee-Wee.
Okay. "To be my wedded husband.
"To have and to hold..."
Holding to have, husband, mine...
"...for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer..."
Better and richer, no poorer.
"...in sickness and in health,
till death do us part."
Till sickness and death.
Groovy. Rings.
Under the authority vested in me
by the State of New York...
I now pronounce
that you are husband and wife.
You may kiss your bride.
Come on...
let's take picture.
Smile!
Happy occasion!
What's the matter, Ma?
It's all my fault, Wei Wei.
We came all the way for nothing.
We let you down
with such a shabby wedding.
Stop it, Ma.
Don't say that.
I'm so happy to marry Wai Tung.
She's so upset.
Why don't I offer to take you all to dinner.
We'll go to the China Palace.
My treat. Let them know.
Simon is taking us out to celebrate.
We're going to the
best Chinese restaurant in Manhattan.
We should be treating you.
Hi, boss. How come so late?
Traffic is terrible.
- When did that table arrive?
- Table 2C?
Yes. How long?
Quite a while. They've been served already.
Don't give them a check.
Go order two more dishes for them.
General Tao Chicken
and pan-fried whole fish.
I'm going over.
- Commander!
- Old Chen!
What a coincidence!
America is so big and we still
run into each other in a restaurant!
I recognized you as soon as I came in.
You're eating?
No. I ate at home.
Commander, this is my restaurant.
Your restaurant?
It's my third son's. But what is his, is mine.
Congratulations!
It's a beautiful restaurant.
So, Old Chen, you finally made it.
If it weren't for you and the Commander,
I would be nothing.
How ironic. Chen has a restaurant,
but Old Chang doesn't.
You ate so little?
I ordered two more dishes for you.
Next time, I'll treat you all to a whole dinner.
You shouldn't do it. We're full.
Now you're "Boss" Chen, right?
- Please join us.
- Oh, no.
I'm not worthy of sitting at your table.
What is this? You're an important boss now.
Come on, sit.
Please just call me "Old Chen."
And I prefer to stand.
Young master, how long
have you been in America?
Ten years. And please don't call me
"young master," just Wai Tung.
How time flies.
And your friends?
This is Simon, my landlord.
I drove the Commander's jeep for 20 years.
Hello, Uncle Chen.
- And this young lady?
- She's our new daughter-in-law.
Young master, when did you marry?
I have no gift for you.
I must make it up to you.
That won't be necessary.
We just got married today at City Hall.
Pa and Ma came for the wedding.
You got married at City Hall?
That's right. This is our wedding dinner...
and we ran into you.
Young master, I know I'm out of line...
but the Commander
is very well-known and respected.
How could you have been so inconsiderate?
I'm only a servant,
but even when my third son was married...
I had a banquet for 200 guests.
Boss, here are the special dishes.
Our food can't compare to Old Chang's.
I hope the Commander won't mind.
- Don't be so formal, Old Chen.
- Allow me, Commander.
Hey, I've got an idea!
Although you kids want to be modern...
what is a wedding without a banquet?
So if you don't mind
that my place is a bit small...
and the food not so great...
it would please me
if I could offer it to the young master...
for his wedding banquet.
We have a party room
and there is a hotel above.
We can get a room for the newlyweds.
That would be too much trouble for you.
No trouble.
Old Chen wants nothing better
than to plan a banquet.
All you have to do is show up.
Look at the smile on the Commander's face.
Young master, I'm not doing this for you.
It's for the Commander.
He's been going to
other people's banquets for years.
Now it's time for him to get back
some of the gifts he gave.
If you don't let him have this...
then you're an ungrateful son.
Won't this be too much trouble?
Then it's decided.
Commander, leave everything to me.
It'll be a great banquet!
You won't lose face in America!
She's from Shanghai.
No, it's not formal dress.
Both you and Shirley are coming, right?
I knew it was you.
I'm in the bathroom.
Just like our college days.
I'm too tired to get up.
And you need all your sleep
for the big fucking event.
Yeah, the final act.
And then they're out of here.
About time. I'm sick of sleeping alone.
I'm sick of the whole thing.
You sound tired.
I am...
but let's just talk some more.
Okay.
I didn't walk far. Only half an hour.
I want to save my strength for today.
Wake up Wai Tung.
Come on, Mr. Groom. Time to wake up.
Ma, Pa, go sit on the bed.
We wish you a happy life
and a long marriage.
That's enough.
How time flies. It seems like only yesterday
you learned to talk.
Son, you remember how you used
to love to sleep on my tummy?
I'd ask, "Where's Wai Tung?"
And you used to say, "I am here."
You were so chubby I wanted to eat you.
And you came running. My little fat boy...
- I'll get Wei Wei ready.
- No, stay a bit.
We won't probably get another chance.
Stop it, Ma.
Wei Wei? Why didn't you let us know
you were calling today?
Did you wait long?
No, not long.
Why are you calling, Wei Wei?
No reason. I just missed you.
Have you eaten?
We were just starting dinner
when the telephone clerk came to get us.
We dropped everything and came here.
How's the new house?
Next week we'll have gas.
The house faces southwest.
Here's your father.
Wei Wei?
Get up. Wei Wei?
I'm up. You get ready.
- They really piled on the rocks.
- No kidding.
You're the most beautiful bride
I've ever seen.
Thanks.
And thank you, Sister Mao.
Don't mention it.
It's a pleasure to be your bridesmaid.
Hurry up, it's almost 2:00.
Just let me take a look.
Okay, everything's fine. Let's go.
Careful.
Sister Mao, please get the lotus soup.
- Thank you, Ma.
- Thank you.
We're turning Wai Tung to you.
And you, Wai Tung,
must care well for Wei Wei.
I will.
Here, a soup for a quick first son.
Wei Wei, kneel for the soup.
Have some lotus soup,
a son will come quickly.
Come on, Wai Tung.
Kneel down and have some soup with me.
Having a son is a female thing.
She can't give birth
without your help, right?
You two grew up differently.
But fate has united you together here
so far from home.
It's something you should treasure.
If differences arise...
opinions...
habits...
you must work to resolve them.
Talk and understand.
Always be thoughtful of each other.
That's the key to a successful marriage.
Your mom and I
came from China to Taiwan...
from an unstable place.
Today, I see your generation.
Seeing you two together
has a special meaning for us.
We give thanks to our ancestors.
Wei Wei is a great artist.
Wai Tung, you must help her succeed.
- Don't let this marriage...
- No.
Don't do that.
You'll ruin three hours of makeup.
It'll be over soon. Don't cry.
Stop talking. Everything's fine. Stop crying.
How about that?
My speech really touched her, huh?
Yes, Pa.
Would the groom raise his left shoulder?
Chin up. Smile.
Show your white teeth.
Like you love each other.
Turn a little more.
White teeth.
Smile a little wider.
Turn some more. Okay. Smile a bit more.
A bit more, a little bit more.
Come, Little Rock. Jump on the bed
to make a little boy like you.
Chief Wang and distinguished guests...
my son's marriage to Wei Wei...
was very simple, sudden...
and caught you by surprise.
With my sincerest apologies,
I thank you all for coming.
- When are you going to finish?
- Who's talking now?
The groom's father.
I got 40 minutes.
That's a joke!
Come on!
Once more!
That's it? Put some passion into it.
Quiet, everybody.
I'm Bob Law. Everyone calls me "the Law."
I've known the groom
since elementary school.
I provided him with his first comic books
to amuse himself in class.
In high school,
I took him to the best pool halls...
and in college, I got him into parties
to score some chicks...
meet some girls.
So I was his biggest influence,
baddest influence.
I hope you don't mind, Mr. Gao. It's just fun.
And after 16 years of friendship,
I learned about the wedding...
only one week before.
To everyone who feels as left out as me...
I am accepting motions
for proper punishment.
Fry him.
What?
You have the guts to marry,
but not to eat this?
This is a cross-cultural event.
Everything goes.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Drink some more.
Not so much.
I know, I know.
Thanks for coming.
Everybody, sit down.
This is wrong.
You just can't toast an entire table...
and just take a short sip.
You must toast a full glass to each of us.
We all go back a long way.
That's right.
Give me a break. You know I can't drink.
I get drunk from beer commercials.
I'll drink for him.
Protecting him already?
Come on, Tofu-head...
if you won't drink to us...
you must at least drink to Taiwan.
That's more like it.
We haven't seen each other for many years.
I drove five hours to be here. Drink with me.
I'll start first.
Bottoms up.
God, and I thought the Chinese
were meek, quiet, math whizzes.
You're witnessing the results of 5,000 years
of sexual repression.
After tonight, the best Chinese men
in New York are gone.
Those left are not worth a burned egg roll.
Come, Wai Tung, bottoms up.
You guys drinking or talking?
Cut the crap, we can't wait any longer.
Yeah. What about us? Come over here.
Gao. We dare you to come over here.
Let's make him drink.
Gao? Isn't this the Chen wedding?
The Chen wedding?
That's upstairs in the Phoenix Ballroom.
Thank you very much for coming.
Congratulations.
Get home safe.
Congratulations.
You all right?
Yes.
Yeah. I'm okay.
Can you take Ma and Pa home?
Yeah, I think they've had
about enough of this.
Mr. And Mrs. Gao, me drive home.
Thank you.
Pa, you overdid it tonight. Are you okay?
Just happy.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Good night.
- We are such trouble.
- Was it satisfactory?
Thanks.
Don't even mention it. Get home safely.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Good night.
You okay?
Room service.
No. Don't open the door.
Surprise. We're invading
the newlywed suite.
You really know how to choose
a room, huh? Number 1069.
I thought you passed out.
Passed out? Never.
And miss the Newlywed Invasion?
This old glorious tradition
we've now brought here.
What are you doing?
Dear comrade lover,
we're staying here with you.
The long struggle has begun.
Great.
Aren't you touched by such friendship?
I am.
Here we go. Me first.
Had a bit too much, huh?
Yeah, but I was so happy.
- Want your pills?
- Yes, I should.
We'll be the next to marry.
We should have more harmony.
Get lost.
I've got no luck. It's always the same for me.
No. I can't anymore.
Please spare me, guys.
Okay, he's had enough.
We'll leave you alone after one last game.
Then we'll go.
Another game?
Let's do it.
That's the spirit.
Okay, you two get under the covers.
Oh, shit.
Then take off all your clothes
and throw them on the floor.
Only when the last piece is off, we'll go.
- Where are the clothes?
- Are you not man enough?
I'm losing money. We play until I get it back.
Every minute of a wedding night
is worth 1,000 pieces of gold.
That's the way.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Will they be back?
I don't think so.
They had enough fun for one night.
Wei Wei, what's your hand doing?
Just resting.
Don't do that.
Liar. You told me women don't excite you.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm liberating you.
No.
- Bye.
- Take care.
Come on, there's nobody around.
It's been a long time
since we did it in the afternoon.
What's wrong with you?
Let's go to my room.
You're back.
Pa, you didn't go shopping?
Shopping is a woman's game.
It requires unlimited stamina.
I can't keep up with them.
So I stayed home to write.
Age takes its toll. I only had a few drinks...
but it has taken me three weeks to recover.
Son, have you found a home yet?
We can't live here at Simon's forever.
You know, this gift has been very useful.
Here. May I?
Don't worry, Pa. As soon as
your pressure is down you can go home.
They're back.
There's more in the car.
I am exhausted.
Did you rob a department store?
Coming here is always a headache.
So many gifts to bring back.
We have been shopping
for such a long time...
and we haven't bought enough.
Fifth Avenue is too expensive.
And when we find something suitable,
it's made in Taiwan.
Are you tired?
When Ma enters a department store,
she turns into Michael Jordan.
I'm not tired.
You're so strong, you'll live to be 100.
You must be tired.
Look at the time. They arrived before you
and there's no dinner.
All you do is complain.
These are for your friends.
I'm doing your shopping.
- I'm ravenous.
- We could order sushi.
I thought you liked sushi.
You okay?
I'm fine.
You ready?
- Yeah, let me just get my jacket.
- No rush.
We're going to miss the 7:30 show anyhow.
Hey, Wai Tung, Wei Wei.
Hope you don't mind us
stealing away Simon for the evening.
Of course not.
Pascal's waiting in the car.
Simon has friends?
I didn't think he had any.
See you all later.
- Bye.
- Bye. See you.
When'll you be back?
Good night.
Where've you been?
Out.
What does it mean? Out? Out where?
Out, having a reasonably good time.
To the movies. For a drink.
I hooked up with Steve and we hung out.
We went to a couple of clubs.
Like life, remember? Our life?
You having an affair with Steve?
Fuck you.
Listen, go get a good night's sleep.
I just had a really nice evening
and I don't feel like dealing with your shit.
Go.
Go. Really.
What's wrong, Wei Wei?
Don't touch me.
First it's Simon, now it's you.
And my parents are still here.
All I do is pamper the four of you.
My patience is running thin. Sleep.
All will be fine in the morning.
It's worse in the morning.
What?
What do you mean
it's worse in the morning?
I know you can cook an egg.
Give it a little thought here.
Just trying to help.
Pregnant.
But I told you, Simon.
Yeah, you told me you were drunk.
You said, I quote, "Things got out of hand."
Yeah, out of hand and into...
What difference does it make?
They don't even speak English.
I can say whatever the fuck I want
in my own fucking house...
in my own fucking language.
Simon, it wasn't Wai Tung's fault.
I can explain.
I don't even care who or what he fucks...
but talk about stupid unsafe sex.
I am talking to you.
How much more of this
do you expect me to put up with?
- Are we overstaying our welcome?
- Shut up and eat.
Put down the fucking phone
and listen to me!
What? This whole thing was your idea.
You fucking busybody.
Wei Wei wouldn't be here, but for you.
And I wouldn't have to
deal with any of this shit.
Shit? I'm shit? You're shit.
You are all shit.
I wasn't calling you shit.
Don't call me anything. You user. You fraud.
Did Wai Tung pay his rent?
You can't put your foot in your mouth
if you keep it closed. Eat.
Wai Tung, it's me.
Listen, don't be freaked out...
but your Dad had a mild stroke.
It's not too serious.
We're over here at St. Sebastian Hospital.
About this morning...
How's Pa?
Sleeping. Visiting hours are over.
Don't worry. It's just a mild stroke.
God was watching over him.
He must stay calm.
Wei Wei and Simon?
They went to get supper.
Ma, don't worry about my fight with Simon.
It's nothing.
Such a big thing. Why did you hide it?
I was afraid you couldn't take it.
It's been 20 years. I've been living a big lie.
There has been so much pain and joy...
I've wanted to share with you, but I couldn't.
Sometimes I wanted to tell you everything...
but I couldn't burden you
with what has been with me so long.
I don't get it.
Why didn't you tell us
Wei Wei was pregnant?
What is all this?
Ma, I want to tell you.
I've known it for a few days.
After you guys fought this morning...
I told her that judging by her bad mood...
she's carrying a boy.
Congratulations, son.
My marriage is a fraud.
Simon is my real friend.
Friend?
Friend. Lover.
Ma, I'm gay, and Simon is my lover.
We've been living together for five years.
Simon led you astray?
How could it happen?
Nobody led me astray. I was born this way.
Nonsense.
You had girlfriends in college.
Jean. Lei Lei.
You were intimate with them.
That was the thing to do.
Every guy had a girl. I was no exception.
It's hard for a gay man...
to find someone compatible to be with.
That's why I treasure Simon so much.
Look around you.
How many so-called normal couples
are fighting, divorced?
They only wish they could be
as loving as Simon and me.
How can you accuse Simon
of leading me astray?
If it weren't for Pa's need of a grandchild...
and your constant matchmaking...
I'd be very happy the way it was.
Is the child yours?
Yes.
That fake marriage
was to get her a green card...
and to make you happy...
but things got out of hand.
What a mess.
Your father must not know.
I know.
It would kill him.
What went wrong?
He really told her?
Yes, but it's to be a secret from his father.
Damn.
Stretch.
That's good. Not too much.
That's all right. You got it.
What a pain. I wish I could have a cigarette.
Right.
Okay, good. Want to walk?
My mother is in Boston,
and my father is, I think, in Arizona.
Mother in Boston, father in Arizona.
How tragic. Where's Arizona?
Texas.
Any brothers?
Do you have any brothers?
My father, who's quite old now,
did have a son by a first marriage.
I never met him. He died in the Vietnam War.
No.
Any sisters?
You have two sisters?
They both live in San Francisco.
Yes, in San Francisco.
Are they straight?
Simon cooked for us today.
Pa, don't serve me,
there's plenty of meat. Eat.
I have hypertension.
I mustn't eat fat meat like that.
We must send her something
when we get back home.
Sure.
I'll do the dishes.
Why?
Just eat. Later, I'll do the dishes.
Simon cooked, I'll wash.
Just leave it.
Let me do it.
- I'll take a bath.
- I'll help you.
No, I'll do it myself.
Just one more week...
and then they're gone.
And then what?
Everything goes back to the way it was?
What about Wei Wei?
First they go, then we'll figure it out.
When they go,
I think I might have to go, too.
I know.
Oh, it's you.
Come here.
Looking at pictures, Ma?
Sit down with me.
He was so cute.
So cute.
And, Ma, you look so beautiful.
Not really.
I had a hard time with Wai Tung.
He was a cesarian birth.
I almost died.
The doctor told me
I couldn't have any more.
He weighed so little.
I don't know how I raised him...
his father always away with the military.
God knows how such a weak child grew...
into such a big, able and handsome man.
He always did well in school.
I never worried about his grades.
I always bragged that I couldn't spoil him,
no matter what.
Forgive me, I want to return these.
When a son grows up, mother is forgotten.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know
things were going to turn out like this.
I didn't want to hurt you.
You can return the gifts.
But what about our love?
How can you return that?
I can't. I can only ask for forgiveness.
But my love for you is real.
- I don't want them back.
- I can't accept them.
I want my daughter-in-law, my grandchild.
I can't do it. I also have a future.
We old women sometimes envy
young women like you.
Independent, well-educated,
with your own life.
You don't depend on men.
You do as you please.
We pay a price, too.
It's not easy living here by yourself.
That's why Pa and you became my parents.
A woman is still a woman.
Husbands and children
are still most important to us, right?
Not really.
You're young. You still don't understand.
Will you go to the clinic with me tomorrow?
So you've made up your mind?
I made the appointment for 2:30.
They asked me to bring someone.
I said yes.
It won't take long.
Will you come with me?
I gave up too much for a green card.
Don't say that.
Maybe there are more important things
in life than hiding in America.
We are so selfish.
For our own interests,
we planned this bogus marriage.
We let Simon down...
your parents, too.
If we continued, we'd let the kid down, too.
As of tomorrow, the lie will be over.
I'll return to China.
You'll make up with Simon.
We won't have to live this lie anymore.
Promise one thing:
Pa won't ever know.
I promise.
Nothing.
Where are you going?
- Shopping.
- I'll come, too.
Stay and watch over Pa.
If I stay here I'll go mad.
I'm coming with you.
Wait for me, I'll get my purse.
Don't leave without me.
Where's my purse?
You're hungry already? You just had lunch.
I'm craving a hamburger.
Can't it wait? It's almost 2:00.
No. I've got to have one now.
Happy birthday, Simon.
Mr. Gao? You speak English?
Please. Happy birthday.
My birthday.
Even I forgot.
Then you know, you've known...
I watch, I hear, I learn.
Wai Tung is my son.
So you're my son, also.
Why, you...
Thank you.
Thank you.
- When Wai Tung...
- No.
Not Wai Tung, not Mother,
not Wei Wei shall know.
Our secret.
Why?
For the family.
If I didn't let them lie...
I'd never have gotten my grandchild.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
It's late. You eat, I'll drive.
Don't rush me.
You can go by yourself if you want.
I'm feeding my baby.
You changed your mind?
You're keeping the baby?
What happens
if you want to get married one day?
And the kid?
I don't think I could stand
another wedding banquet.
It's my child. I'll find a way.
Painter and mother? Can you be both?
I'll find a way. A tough man takes
responsibility for his actions.
If you want to help,
get me a decent apartment, no rent.
Otherwise just get out of the way.
I'm gonna be a father.
I better ask the other tough guy first.
Okay, let's talk to Simon.
So they can pick them up at the airport
counter when they check their luggage.
Two hours before departure? Really?
That's one low sodium,
and one healthy-heart meal. Right.
Okay, thanks.
How did it go?
You okay?
Wei Wei wants to know...
if you will be one of the fathers of her child.
Sure.
Then you'll stay?
You must, for the sake of the child.
Now that I'm keeping the baby...
we'd better go tell Pa
he's going to be a grandfather.
He'll be so happy.
What's so funny?
Nothing.
Go tell him.
I'll be here.
We might as well tell him one true thing.
Wei Wei is having a baby.
That's true.
Maybe it's only temporary.
He may get over it.
Maybe a woman hurt him...
and he developed a psychological problem.
It's not like that.
I know. But maybe once he sees his child...
he'll get back to normal.
I wouldn't bet on it.
At first, I hoped the same thing.
I knew it.
You liked being in that wedding gown.
This garden will turn wild again after I leave.
Good morning.
I think it's time.
Don't forget to take the wedding pictures.
Okay. We really should be going.
Take good care of yourself.
And come visit us in Taiwan.
Simon, thank you for taking care of our son.
The Gao family
will always be grateful to you.
Okay, time to go.
Why are you crying?
Because I'm happy.
I'm happy, too.