# Invercargill March
NIGE, V/O: You know how they say
bad luck comes in threes?
Yeah, well, I thought that was a load
of shit, but it turns out it's true.
It was not a joy ride.
I was just
trying to do some thinking and stuff,
and I think pretty good
when I'm doing laps.
(Tyres screech)
Oh!
This was my first bit of bad luck.
I knew that cop
would give me a hard time,
especially with
just the one headlight working,
so... I did the smart thing.
That way, the cop could only tell me
off for forgetting to put my lights on,
instead of doing me for my warrant.
And then another bit of bad luck.
Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Ha! Ha!
(Grunts) Oh! Agh! Agh!
And then, to top it all off -
bad luck number three.
Aghhh!
You know how they say
don't cross the path of a black cat?
Yeah, well... add ginger to the mix,
that's what I say.
Agh!
(Sighs) Jesus.
Ah... God.
(Person coughs)
- OK...
Hey.
(Groans)
Hey.
(Continues groaning)
Hey, mate. Uh, what's your name?
(Groans, grunts)
Hey?
(Mumbles)
- Gavin. Ah...
- No, no!
(Mumbles)
Uh, Gary, yeah?
No, no, no...
(Mumbles) With a J... With a J.
J? J... Uh... Jeremy?
Adam? John?
Am I close?
(Groans, pants heavily)
Oh, it's Jeurgen. Yeah?
Yes. Yes.
Jeurgen, you're...
you're gonna be fine, mate.
(Pants heavily)
Jeurgen? Hey?
No, no, no, no. Don't do that.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
Jeurgen. Hey.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Hey, hey, hey! Fuck. Come on!
Hey. No, no, no.
Oh, fuck! Come on!
Come on, man! Agh! Fuck!
Oh, fuck! Agh!
Agh! Agh!
(Breathes heavily)
Oh, fuck.
Agh...
(Breathes heavily) Fuck.
(Pants, strains)
(Strains)
Oh!
(Keys clatter)
Uh...
(Whispers) Oh, my God. Uh...
(Breathes heavily) Fuck!
Agh!
(Exhales heavily)
VOICE-OVER:
And that's where Nige's bed used to be.
Well, that's where it was
three weeks ago to this day.
Did you know that you shed skin,
like, more than a snake?
Like, I think about one tenth
of your skin comes off every day,
so... basically there's like, dozens
of, like, old Niges on the floor.
So I'm not exactly
gonna vacuum that up.
(Sighs)
(Laughter)
(Distant laughter)
(Knock at window)
NIGE: (Whispers) Deano? Deano?
Wake up! Deano!
Deano! Fuck.
Hey. Deano. Hey.
Fuck off, Nige.
- Deano, please!
- Fuck off!
Deano!
Come for your
toasted sandwich maker, have you?
Well, it's still busted.
Thanks for asking.
Deano.
I'm in a lot of trouble.
Did you get the blood tests back?
I knew that kid wouldn't be yours.
Monica's a slutbag, mate.
Could be mine.
- I'm in a lot of trouble.
- No. Oi.
Why don't you get Gav to help?
(Locks door)
(Knocks on window) Deano!
(Bangs on window)
Come on, man. Deano!
Could you
please open the fucking door?
(Puffs air)
So what's up, Nige?
I, uh... I've uh...
I- I... Killed someone.
Yeah. Yeah, you killed me
three weeks ago, Nige.
- Hey?
- I'm dead.
I'm dead on the inside.
I can't fuckin' feel anything.
It's agony.
- Deano...
- What do you care?
...I've actually fucking killed someone.
I ran over a fucking backpacker.
He's fucking actually fucking dead.
(Stammers) I'm freaking out!
What? Oi, what?
I've killed someone!
There was blood
coming out of his stomach
and his head and stuff...
He had fucking blood
coming out of his face!
- Oi! Shut up!
- His guts were...
Use that. Use this, your knob-end.
What do you mean
you ran over a backpacker?
Did you actually
run over a backpacker?
Yeah. Well, it'd be
a pretty weird lie, don't you think?
(Sighs)
Fuck, Nige.
ROLF HARRIS: # Two little boys
had two little toys... #
DEANO, V/O: Me and Nige
have been best friends for 15 years,
ever since Nige's first day at school.
Alright, settle down, class.
This is Nigel from Mataura.
(Kids chuckle)
Why don't you go
and find your seat, Nigel?
# One little chap then had a mishap... #
(Robot voice) I am a robot.
(Kids chuckle)
I knew what it was like
to be the new kid.
Mum moved us here from Australia
when I was six and a half.
# As his young playmate said... #
(Punk cover) # Did you think
I would leave you crying?
# When there's room
on my horse for two... #
NIGE, V/O: Every second weekend
he'd come to our crib in the Catlins.
Deano was kind of like
another member of our family.
We did everything together...
DEANO, V/O: I pretty much taught Nige
everything he knows, which isn't much,
'cause Nige is a bit fuckin' stupid,
but still... I taught him how to fight,
taught him how to do cunnilingus.
(Nige laughs)
# I wonder if we'll remember... #
NIGE, V/O: I reckon I learned more
from Deano than I ever learned in class.
# We were two little,
we were two little boys! #
DEANO, V/O: When Nige's folks left town,
we went flatting together.
We shared the same room, but,
like, just to save on rent and that.
Smart, you know?
NIGE: Deano was really great to live
with and he was really nice to me too.
- Happy birthday!
- Snails!
...to go with this.
Maybe 'cause we're going
to Surfers Paradise...
...in fuckin' Australia.
- Yeah!
NIGE, V/O: That was an amazing trip.
I fucking loved it.
DEANO, V/O: Yeah, we flatted
together for seven years.
Seven wicked... awesome years.
Dinner will be ready in a sec.
NIGE, V/O: But after a while,
I guess I just started to wonder...
Fuck off!
...maybe there's more to life than this.
I'm fucking serious! Get out!
(Tyres screech)
Fuckin' Judas! Judas!
I've missed you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Couldn't get out of bed.
Do you know what it's like
when you can't get out of bed?
- Uh...
- Basically just stuck in bed.
- Yeah.
- Didn't eat.
Didn't eat for four days.
Ever tried that?
Not eating for four days?
- Uh... no.
- If you don't eat for eight, you die.
So I was basically half-dead.
Probably you should
eat something then, just...
Fuck. Sayonara, Nige.
Have a good night.
Hey. Deano! Deano!
Mate, what do you want me to do?
How can I help you, if you won't
even admit what you did wrong?
One word. It's all I want from you.
One important word.
You won't say it.
- Please?
- Not 'please', you fuckwit. 'Sorry'.
Oh... yeah... sorry. OK?
Alright.
I accept your apology, Nige.
I've decided I'm willing
to take you back into the flat.
- Uh...
- Yep.
After this is done,
we'll go get your shit. I forgive you.
- Move back in today, yeah?
- OK. Yeah.
- Alright?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Awesome.
- Awesome. Yeah.
Awesome.
# Marching music
What are you... What are you doing?
It's not... An ideal place.
It was just, like,
the easy... it was closest.
It's not an ideal place, mate.
- It's got fuckin' lights all over it.
- Yeah.
Oh. Shit.
Fuck, Nige.
I'm a fuckwit.
I'm a fuckwit, Deano. Ah...
Well, you're not a fuckwit, alright?
Just got to chill the fuck out.
- Did you touch him?
- Yeah, he didn't get there by himself.
Alright. Just... You've put
fingerprints and shit all over him.
Shit. Right. (Grunts)
Shit. Fuck.
Oi. Abba.
(Thud!)
Hey, he's definitely dead.
Yeah, I told you he's very dead.
(Strains) Fuck.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Fuck, get off my fucking foot.
Oh, get down here.
Fuckin' come on!
I just... I'll keep a lookout.
Fuck, I can't lift him by myself.
Fuckin' get down here.
You could not have put him
in a worse spot. Do you know that?
It's like a game
of fuckin' pick-up sticks down here.
(Both grunt)
Hey, he's still warm.
Yeah, no, they don't go stiff
for, like, a day.
One, two, three.
(Both strain)
Fuckin' go, Nige! Go!
Power. Power... for the thrust up.
Ready? One, two, three.
(Both grunt)
- And thrust.
Thrust up. Oh, fuck, Nige!
Fuckin' lift.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
DEANO: Fireman's lift.
(Both grunt)
- Agh!
(Both grunt)
(Both strain)
Oh! Oh. Watch your fuckin' hand.
Oh. (Pants)
(Both grunt, strain)
NIGE: Yuck.
DEANO: I'll go check
if the coast is clear.
- Alright?
- Yeah.
# Marching music
(Bombs whistling, explosion)
Nige, let's go! Go!
(Artillery fire, explosions)
(Both shriek)
Fuck, yeah! Let's go, Nige!
DEANO: Go, go, go!
GERMAN SOLDIER: Achtung! Achtung!
(Gunshot)
Alright. Come on.
DEANO: Double-time, double-time.
# A-A-A-Amen #
DEANO: Is that your double-time?
# A-A-A-A... Amen #
Fuckin' triple-time.
# A-A-A... Amen
# Amen
# A-A-A-Amen. #
NIGE: Do you think we should
go to the police? Cops?
DEANO: Bit late for that, Nige.
Cops aren't gonna be happy about this.
Go to the cops, you're definitely
going to jail. Alright?
If you try to get away with it,
then you might not go to jail. So...
Yeah, but if we don't get away with it,
then I think I might go to jail
for longer 'cause...
Nah. Something like this - ten years.
What's ten years?
That's like how long it takes
an elephant to grow its tusks.
You know, it's nothing, really.
Eh?
Well... bottom line - do you want
to have a limp cock about this?
Or face up to it like a man?
Eh?
Man. You wanna be a man?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright, let's fuckin' do it.
# A-A-A-A... Amen #
NIGE, V/O: Deano's not scared
of this sort of thing.
He's not much good in normal life,
but when the shit hits the fan,
Deano always knows what to do.
DEANO: What are you doing?
- I was putting rocks inside his jacket.
DEANO: They'll fall out.
Put them in his bag.
# Amen
# A-A-A... Amen
# A-A-A... Amen
# Amen
# A-A-A-A-Amen. #
DEANO: Wait. Actually... Nige, wait.
Perhaps you should say a few words
before we chuck him in.
Nige, he's dead. He's not gonna
get a funeral, so... say something.
NIGE: Uh... I don't know what to say.
DEANO:
Alright, fuck it, fuck it. I'll do it.
Let us pray.
We are gathered here today,
uh, to celebrate... a young life
cut short at the knees
by a horrible accident.
Um... Jeurgen.
Didn't really get the chance
to know you, mate,
but, uh, you seem like
a pretty good bloke.
Um... hope you really
enjoyed New Zealand
and, like, all that she had to offer.
All the beautiful mountains
and the lakes and all her nature
and bet you really loved those fjords,
if you got a chance to see them.
That's probably enough
for a speech, Deano.
Yeah, alright. Um...
getting the wind-up here, Jeurgen,
so... Um... Have a good one.
Uh... good on you, mate, and RIP.
RIP, Jeurgen.
DEANO: Alright.
NIGE: Yeah?
DEANO: Yeah. Go.
DEANO: OK.
NIGE: Oh, fuck.
DEANO: Fuck.
Oh, fuck! Fuck, fuck.
Oh, fuck, Nige!
How many fuckin' rocks did you put in?
NIGE: Oh, God!
DEANO: Did you put rocks in?
NIGE: I put five rocks in it!
DEANO: You put fucking pebbles in it!
NIGE: Fuck! Fuuuuck!
DEANO: Fuck!
NIGE: Fuckin' hurry up!
DEANO: What'd you put
fuckin' light rocks in there for?
NIGE: I put a lot of rocks in there!
NIGE: Fuck. Fuck.
NIGE: Aghhh. Agh. Agh.
DEANO: Fuck.
NIGE: Well, so fuckin' sink.
Why is it not sinking?
- Fuck.
- Deano, get that.
Give me that.
DEANO: Fuck.
(Nige pants)
(Nige strains)
DEANO: Oh, shit.
NIGE: Fuck.
DEANO: Ugh!
NIGE: Oh, yeah, you got it, you got it.
(Both strain, grunt)
(Mooing)
- Let's get him up.
- Fuck it. Cows.
(Cows moo)
(Man whistles)
- Fuck. Fuck.
- Agh.
Put him in here.
FARMER: Come on, girls!
- We can't leave him there.
- Just shove him in!
- We can't leave him there!
- Can't fuckin' take him home with us.
- Oi, Nige.
- Are you fuckin' crazy?
We've got to fucking take him.
I'm fucking dead.
Take a chill pill.
Fucking relax, alright?
- Agh.
- It's fine.
NIGE: Aghhh!
(Deano exhales heavily)
Alright, so, just... go inside.
Have a shower, get changed
and just go to work
like everything's normal.
Eh?
That... That's the plan.
Like nothing happened.
Oh... so, like,
'Where were you last night, Nige? '
- Got a bit stoned.
- Yep.
- Had a pie.
- Yeah.
Killed Jeurgen,
then came round to your place.
No. Nige... you came over to mine,
like, we got on the cans...
you definitely didn't kill anyone.
We just got hammered.
Had an awesome time and just...
we were just fuckin' around.
You tripped on a bottle -
that's how you got a bit bloody.
Um, we just passed out,
woke up this morning.
I drove you back here
at ten past seven.
You went inside,
had a shower, got changed,
went to work like everything's normal.
Yeah?
Yeah, OK. Yeah.
OK.
So go have a shower.
Like, that's the first bit of the plan.
DEANO: Go. OK.
You gonna come in?
What, in there?
Fuck that.
Just... stay here.
Just... Hurry up, alright?
Oh, fuck it. Nige.
Nige, no, you got...
Oh, fuck!
DEANO: I'm comin'. I'm in.
NIGE: Nah.
DEANO: No, it'll be awesome. We'll
have classic times. Be wicked. Yeah?
Why can't I go to
the banking conference, Nige?
NIGE: It's for people
that work at the bank.
DEANO: Why not, Nige?
NIGE: You know Gav?
Gav who does security at the bank?
DEANO: Yeah?
Gav and I were gonna...
go to the Catlins together.
(Exhales heavily)
So there is no banking conference.
No.
(Breathes heavily)
Well...
Nah, fine, mate.
No, what's the big deal?
All you've done is lie to me.
Yeah, all you've done
is lie to my face.
Stabbed me in the back.
It's like taking a stranger...
- He's not a stranger.
- He is a stranger, Nige!
- Gav's not a stranger.
- Yes, he fucking is!
I work with him every day.
You're taking him to the one place
that we hold sacred.
The Catlins is full of our blood, sweat
and tears and laughter.
Right, fine! Fuckin' fine!
Go to the Catlins with Gav, then.
Hope you have a great time with Gav!
There's your fuckin' dinner,
Captain Grateful.
Unbelievable, Nige.
You burnt it.
Judas! Judas!
Fucking Judas!
NIGE: Oh... God...
- You fucking Judas!
- Agh!
- Judas!
- Judas!
(Tyres screech)
Oh, hey, man.
(Whispers) Hey, you've got blood
all over you. Don't touch anything.
I think that Gav's gone to work, mate.
You don't have to whisper.
Oh, right, well...
where's your washing machine?
Uh... it's down here.
What is all this shit, anyway?
Does a girl live here?
Nige. Get this.
(Whistling)
(Whistling)
- Thought you said he was at work.
Shit! Grab it! Grab it!
(Nige strains)
- Fuckin' pull. Pull.
DEANO: Grab it.
NIGE: Get it off.
(Continues whistling)
NIGE: Hot or cold? Hot or cold wash?
(Washing machine swishes)
Uh... kia ora, Deano.
Hey, Gav.
NIGE: We're just, um...
DEANO: Just washing.
- Doing some washing.
- Yeah.
Do you have any washing you wanna do?
- No.
- Yeah, it's full anyway.
Ooh.
Well, what'd you get up to
last night, Nige?
Uh... I was... uh...
Tripped over on a bottle.
Yeah, no, had a massive night.
Had a really big night at our house.
Just got on it.
Can't remember anything.
Neither can Nige.
Oh, you know... If I could
remember everything I'd forgotten,
I'd be a really wealthy man. (Chuckles)
(Continues chuckling)
NIGE, V/O: Gav's great.
I've only known him for three months,
but you'd think we'd known each other
for a lot longer.
Like a century.
Gav's interested in all sorts of stuff.
He's travelled round the whole world.
Gav works in security,
but he says he does that to make money
to do what he really loves.
And he has this way of looking at things
that makes you go...
(Farts)
... Whooooa.
That is why I believe
life is like a video recorder.
Whooooa.
# I know, I know... #
Nige.
- Get dressed. Have a shower.
- Yeah.
Don't just stand around in your undies.
Yeah.
Do you want some eggs, bro?
(Exhales) Yeah.
(Shower patters)
Remember, just... act normal, alright?
That's all you gotta do.
Nige.
- Yeah.
- Nige.
- Keep it normal.
- Normal. Normal.
Oh, hey. A good hangover food
is chicken livers.
No, Nige, no. Fuck chicken livers -
just... normal.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Alright.
- Have a good day.
GAV: See you, Nige.
Normal.
Do you want to hop in the front, Gav?
Nah, it hardly seems worth it, bro.
I'm just going round the corner, eh?
(Tyres screech)
DEANO, V/O: What a fuckin' prick.
He expects me to, like, drive him round
like I'm the scum- of- the-earth chauffeur
and he's like a multimillionaire.
Who does he think he is?
Who's Jeurgen?
What did you say?
Jeurgen. Is he a mate of yours?
Oh, no. Just... um... I found that.
Um... I was gonna get the reward for it
to hand it in.
Oh, yeah. Bro, he looks like a albino.
- Oh, does he?
- Yeah.
Ka kite, bro.
Yep.
So that's, um, 10, 20...
Uh... 30.
NIGE, V/O: Act normal
- Uh, 30...
NIGE, V/O: Really normal.
Uh...
Thanks.
(Phone rings)
- Buongiorno.
- Uh...
- How...
(Phone rings)
Hello. Southland Building
Investment Society.
- Oi, Nige. It's me.
- Hey. Hey.
- How's acting normal going?
- Uh... It's not going that well.
Yeah, well,
Gav found Jeurgen's passport.
- Uh... what?
- Yeah, I know.
I know - it's a little bit
of a spanner in the you-know-what.
But, look, oi, Nige. Listen. Stay calm.
Alright?
Now, you just gotta stay calm.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Get Gav to come to the Catlins
with us this weekend, alright?
Keep him away from newspapers,
television, radio,
like, all sorts of news.
Television? Is that?
Nige, listen, get Gav to come away
with us this weekend, alright?
Deano, I've got to go.
I've got a customer.
No, you gotta listen to me.
No, I don't care. Nige, listen to me.
What are you gonna get Gav to do?
Hi. How can I help?
(Broken English) Excuse, I...
How do I... how do I...
NIGE, V/O: Act normal.
... change money?
NIGE, V/O: Normal.
Normal. Normal. Normal.
Normal. Normal. Normal. Normal!
Sometimes when
I'm about to have a freak-out,
I just have to think about
something completely different,
so I, I take, like a mental jump
and I think about Monica.
And I'm having sex with her.
(Groaning, moaning)
(Moaning continues)
...into Kiwi.
How do I change to Kiwi dollar?
BACKPACKER: Kiwi...
Oh, man. I'm really excited, eh, bro?
I really, really want to see a penguin
at dawn.
I reckon the penguins
will probably take a big shit
when they see you coming, Gav.
Oh, yeah? Probably, bro.
Yeah, probably.
NIGE, V/O: I've got one thing to do
before we head to the Catlins.
DEANO: Alright, let's go.
Deano won't like it,
but he's not gonna stop me on this.
No way.
DEANO:
Don't fuck everything up, alright?
NIGE: I won't.
DEANO: Yeah, well, don't.
NIGE: I won't!
- Alright. You've got one minute.
- OK.
Fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven...
Six, five, four, three, two...
(Rings doorbell)
Monica!
Nige.
Now's not good.
I've got an exam tomorrow.
Monica, I'm in...
I'm in a little bit of trouble.
What is it?
Uh... can't really say.
But, um... well...
Oh, man.
Whoa. Can I put my face on it?
It's not yours, Nige.
Can I stick my ear on it anyway
and just see if it, like,
kicks me in the head?
OK.
Can't feel anything.
Oh! (Gasps) Ohh. Did you feel that?
Yeah. Whoa.
It's not yours, Nige.
I love you, Monz.
- Don't say that.
- I really do.
Well, are you still hanging out
with Deano?
Not... not... not really.
I mean... no.
DEANO:
Oi, Nige! Ditch the bitch! Let's go.
(Horn blares)
Well, the next time you see Dean,
why don't you ask him
where my Kate Bush CD is,
where my Beatles Abbey Road CD is,
where my Billy Bragg is, and where
all my fucking Bowie CDs are?
NIGE: What are you talking about?
- Oh... hey, Monica.
- He stole my B-section, Nige.
- Hey?
He stole the entire B section
of my CD collection, and I want it back.
DEANO: Oi, Nige! Fuckin' waiting!
Hey, Monica. Monz.
I, um... got you these.
Whenever you look at these roses,
I want you to think of me.
Oh, no. How'd that go?
Got any music for the trip, Deano?
Got any B-52s? Bananarama? Any Bon Jovi?
Yeah, I do. I've got all them.
I've also got Jeff Buckley,
Black Sabbath... Boney M.
What's your problem?
Yeah, Monica wants her CDs back.
Yeah, well, that's a pity, she's not
gonna get them. Right, now listen.
I'm gonna take the Lazy.
Go in the van with Gav, alright?
Alright?
Hear that, Gav? We're off.
Hoaka taua. Let's hit the highway!
Yeah, yeah. Waka, waka.
# BLAM BLAM BLAM:
There Is No Depression In NZ
(Flies buzzing)
DEANO, V/O: It's important
that I think of Jeurgen
as, like, well, just a piece of meat.
Like a butcher
just dividing up lambs into roasts.
Like if Jeurgen was yelling 'ouch'
and stuff, this would be weird,
but, like, basically,
you just have to go,
he's just like...
it's just like cutting up!
Like a lamb with a face
and a... and hair.
# DAVE DOBB YN: Slice of Heaven
There's no point being grossed out.
I mean, sometimes friendship
involves, like, unpleasant shit.
And that's all this is.
But I'm a fucking awesome friend,
so, like, I'm always happy
to do that shit.
# Ba, da, da, bum-bum, da, da, da
# Bum-bum, da, da, da
Bum-bum, da, da, da, da, dum #
I actually get this feeling that this is
sort of what Jeurgen would have wanted.
Like, knowing it was
an accident and shit,
like, he wouldn't want
an innocent man to go to prison.
Sort of like he's saying to me,
'Hey, it's alright, Deano.
I'm a goner, mate, so, just do whatever
you can to help your mate Nige. '
# Hey, I got a lot of faith in ya
# I'll stick with you, kid -
that's the bottom line
# Yeah, you have a lot of fun,
don't you?
# And living with you
is a ball of a time #
(Dog barks)
# Hey, beauty
# When the mood gets you down
# Your bottom lip's
near dragging on the ground
# That's when I gotta
play the clown for you
# Black humour made you... #
Oh. Forgot your key, bro?
Oh. No. We don't own it anymore.
My folks sold it a while back,
but... me and Deano
keep coming here anyway.
Might as well be ours.
- I'll meet you round the front.
# She's a slice of heaven
# Slice of heaven
# Warm moonlight over my horizon
She's a slice of heaven. #
Mm. Feel how fresh the air is, Nige?
- Hey?
- Breathe it in, man.
(Inhales deeply)
(Exhales deeply)
(Nige breathes deeply)
- Smell the fish in the sea here.
- Mm. Sure can.
You OK, bro?
Box of birds.
Hey, Nige, have you ever seen
that ad on the TV -
um... the one with the snowball in it?
Yeah, well... it was saying, like...
like, a problem is like a snowball
rolling downhill really, really fast.
NIGE: Oh.
Well... I never let my problems
turn into a massive-as snowball.
When I've got something
on my mind, I talk about it.
You know?
And you know you can talk to me anytime,
you know?
And I promise, like,
no subject is taboo.
Hey. Want some kai?
Yeah.
# Slice of heaven
# Slice of heaven
# Warm moonlight over my horizon
She's a... #
It's the most amazing
toasted sandwich I've ever had.
You can taste the caramelised onion, eh?
Oh! Ohhh!
Mmm.
Ohh! Ohhh! Oh.
(Gav clears throat)
Hey... Hey, Deano.
Got some good memories here, eh, Deano?
Yeah, we do, Nige. Yeah, a lot
of good Deano and Nige memories.
Yeah, awesome ones.
All over this stretch of land.
Mmm.
Ka hoki aku whakaaro ki nga wa o mua.
Land of memories.
Yeah. For us.
Yeah, not really for you. Just...
Oi, Nige. Nige. Oi. Nige.
I want to talk to you, alright? Outside.
(Flies buzzing)
He's in there. (Bangs car)
- Eh?
- He's in the boot.
I didn't know how it'd go at first -
like, how I'd handle it.
But... this crazy calm came over me.
And then like this energy,
like my blood was pumping,
like someone stuck
a lightening bolt up my arse.
Like... I was tingling, like...
Still feeling it now, actually.
Eh?
You must feel it too. Like,
life's different for you now, Nige.
How do you mean?
Well... you've had your first kill.
Like, you're a different person.
We both are.
- Crazy power, yeah?
(Nige breathes heavily)
Thought maybe we'd take him
up to Jack's Blowhole, like...
- (Pants) No. Nah. Nah.
- Go up there tonight or...
- Fuck. Fuck.
- No-one's gonna be around.
(Breathes heavily)
- Nige.
- Oh, fuck!
Fuck. Fuck.
Nige? Oi!
(Pants heavily)
Oh. Oh. (Continues panting)
Oi, Nige. Come on.
- Oi, Nige.
(Continues panting)
Oi, snap out of it.
Oi. Nige.
Oi.
- Snap out of it. Snap out of it.
(Nige groans, pants)
It's alright. It's alright.
Come back to me.
- Get off! Agh!
- Deano's here.
Deano's here.
Calm down, crab. Calm down, crab.
I got you. Come back to me.
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh.
All better?
(Sighs)
That was a big one.
(Nige sighs)
(Sniffles, breathes heavily)
Just don't know
if I can handle prison, Deano.
What, mate?
I don't know if I can handle prison.
Mate, you're not going to prison.
Alright?
Got it all sorted.
Just...
Hey, remember first day of school
when you turned up
with that thing on your head
and you looked like a retard?
Remember that? And Jason Farquhar
gave you the bash?
- Yeah.
- Remember?
Yeah.
Who looked after you then?
You did.
Fuck, yeah. Took care of it.
Remember that necklace
I made with Jason Farquhar's tooth?
That was a sick necklace, wasn't it?
You used to wear that all the time.
You loved it.
Just not gonna let anything bad
happen to you, Nige.
Simple as that.
I'd take a bullet for you.
Yeah?
In the guts,
'cause that's, like, the place
where it takes you the longest to die.
You just bleed out.
- We should get back to Gav.
- No. Why?
(Birds squawk)
(Alarm blares)
DEANO: Oi, Nige. It's time. Come on.
Hands off snaky.
Oh, fuck. Get in the car. Wait there.
Wait there for two seconds.
I'll be back. Get in the car.
(Fly buzzes)
(Grunts, whimpers)
(Whimpers, groans)
(Continues whimpering)
(Shrieks)
What?
You alright? Let's go.
Start the car. Come on. Start the car.
(Engine starts)
DEANO: Alright. Here we go.
(Bang!)
- Whoa!
Fuck.
- Hey. What's up?
- Uh...
- Um...
- Why are you fellas sneaking out for?
Nah, nah, we're just... just,
uh, just going to see the penguins.
- What, without me?
- Uh, you were snoring like a pig.
- Thought you wanted to sleep in.
- Yeah, well, I'm awake now.
Just wait. Just two seconds. OK? Wait.
Yeah, alright.
DEANO: Alright, fucking go.
NIGE: Eh?
DEANO: Go!
NIGE: Eh?
Fucking drive, Nige.
Oi! Hey! Hey, you fellas!
(Dog barks)
Des. Des. It's Betty Hancock here.
Look at that.
Where is he? What the fuck is...?
He's in the bag.
Mate, took ages to get him in there.
I had to, like,
hit into his waist, like, six times
'cause the spinal cord's,
like, so... it's, like, chewy... almost.
Eh? What the fuck?
Yeah, to get him in the bag.
Fuck, Deano.
Mate, no, no.
Like, if this was in the war, right,
there'd be just people
dying around us all the time.
We'd just be chopping up,
like, all day long
and putting them in bags.
In that situation, you got to think
like that. It's nothing. It's fine.
- Why did you do it?
- Well, to get him in the bag.
Yeah. Fucking I didn't tell you
to cut him up.
Well, how else
am I gonna get him in the bag?
Fuck, Deano!
Like, so he's got handles.
Oi, oi, Nige. Oi, oi. Don't freak out.
Hey, come here. Come here.
Fuck!
Nige! Chill!
It's called thinking!
You're fucking fucked!
Oi, I did it for you, Nige. So...
Pretty heavy.
(Nige grunts)
Oi, use the hip bits.
I'm sorry, Jeurgen.
Awesome throw, man. Great chuck. Yeah.
Really good distance.
Like, really... Really...
(Sheep bleat)
(Sheep continue bleating)
Shut up.
(Sheep bleat)
Shut up.
Er... (Clears throat)
- Hey, there's Gav.
- Nah, just keep going round the corner.
- Why?
- Just keep going.
- We're not finished, mate.
- Eh?
I wanna go find Gav.
Nah, he's alright. He's a big boy.
He can look after himself.
Nige, there's, um...
I think there's something in your shoe.
In your right shoe.
DEANO: Oh, look at that.
Remember that?
You used to love that.
You wore it all the time.
That was a long time ago.
So people were always like,
'Where'd you get that? '
You were, like, 'Oh, Deano made it. '
They were like, 'Sick. '
And you'd wear it
and wait for me after detention,
like even if...
...you didn't have a detention,
you'd just wait for me
and... Walk home together.
First year of the flat,
you wore that every day,
like, party central.
It was mad and...
Remember when I shaved an N
into my pubes? Remember?
And we lit that tree
on the golf course on fire
and torched it and you were just like,
'This is mad, Deano.
I'll never forget this. '
Crazy times wearing that necklace.
Just like...
Hey, listen, mate. Nige, listen.
Sit down, sit down, sit down. Just...
I just want to say one word to you,
alright?
Nige...
Commitment.
Eh?
You heard me. Not gonna repeat myself.
Commitment.
Do you know what that word means?
- You're talking weird, Deano.
- No, I'm not.
Nige, commitment... Commitment
is when two people need each other.
Like fuckin' oxygen.
They never let go. They'd do anything.
For richer or poorer,
if they're sick or healthy,
or, like, till death do them part.
Pretty fuckin' serious.
I want you to wear that.
Yeah. Put it on, Nige.
It's not hard.
Just put the necklace on.
Nige. Put it on.
It's a fuckin' order - put it on.
Put the fuckin' necklace on!
Nige.
Nige!
Fuck! Nige!
- Gav.
(Camera clicks)
Hey, Gav.
Gav.
(Camera clicks, whirrs)
Rahhh!
Rahhh! Aghhh!
(Seal roars)
NIGE: Deano!
DEANO: Aghh!
I was trying to
take a photo of that, Deano.
- What? Yeah?
- I was taking a photo.
Aghhh!
- Sorry, Gav.
- Where the fuck did youse get to?
Why did youse just ditch me, then, Nige?
- Fat fuck!
(Seal roars)
I thought you were
gonna follow us in the van.
- Nige, do you respect me?
- Yeah, course I do.
Well, if you respect me,
then don't fucking bullshit me, alright?
(Seal grunts)
Deano told me to.
Oi, I need a word, Nige.
Fuck off, Deano.
- You fuck off. Come on.
- You fuck off.
Why don't you fuck off? Come here.
Fuck off.
- You fuck off. Come here.
- Go and get fucked.
- Why don't you get fucked?
- You get fucked.
How about you get fucked?
Why don't you go fuck off, you fuckhead.
Why don't you fuck off, get fucked and
be a fuckhead at the same fuckin' time?
- Go fuck yourself, Deano.
- Go fuck yourself.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
- Fuck yourself fuck truck!
- Fuck your fuck truck!
Fuck it all! I don't wanna be
your fuckin' friend!
I don't wanna be your friend, Deano.
Bullshit.
I don't want to be your friend.
Come here, Nige.
(Breathes heavily)
(Seals grunt)
# You packed in the morning
I stared out the window
# And I struggled for something to say #
- (Grunts) Fuck!
Fuck! Ugh! Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! Agh!
Fuck! Agh...
(Grunts) Agh!
Fuck you!
Agh!
Aghh!
# Left me just when I needed you most
# You
# Left me
just when I needed you most. #
(Dog barks)
They've been drinking. Hmm?
Yeah, well, boys'll be boys.
- Oh, well, these are more like men.
(Knocks on door)
Uh, no, you stay outside, Mrs H.
Oh.
Nige. Deano?
Oh, a note, is it?
A note.
Fat lot of good that'll do. Come on.
(Dog barks)
I've got one that's in my other book.
But I got one about the monkey
and the dungeon master.
TV:... was basically used as a substitute
and scored the match-winning goal
in Norway's World Cup qualifier...
MAN: Can I help you, sir?
You want some chips?
Mr Johansson
has been missing since Friday...
Spring roll? It's very good.
...and police hold grave fears
for his safety
after the discovery
of some personal effects
in a roadworks hole in Dee Street,
Invercargill.
- You want chips?
- I don't want any fuckin' chips.
It doesn't look good, but...
...to the dungeon master,
'Your patience has been... '
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then everyone fuckin' died. The end.
- Oi, Nige.
(Nige sighs)
Need to have a word with you, alright?
Oh, you're not speaking to me? Yeah?
Alright, well,
you might want to watch the TV
'cause I think a mate of yours is on it
playing soccer for Norway.
- Eh?
- The country.
Look - we're getting evicted, bro.
GAV: We figured we'd go bush.
I was hoping that you'd come with us.
Oh, the police. Shit, Nige, what
a crack-up. What do we do now?
Cops are onto us.
What the fuck is he doing?
MONICA, RECORDING: Hi. This is
the Chisnalls. Leave a message.
Hey, Mon. Monz... Uh...
I just wanted to... Talk to you...
because I'm in a lot of trouble
and I just want to...
I might never see you again, OK?
And I want you
to tell the kid that if...
...he might never meet his dad... But
he fuckin'... I love him. Fuck off!
(Nige grunts, screams)
Oi.
- Hey. Hey.
(Nige shrieks)
Nige.
You're in deep, thick fuckin' shit.
Do you know that?
Whole country of Norway, huh?
Man, they fuckin' love soccer.
It's like a religion to them over there.
Gonna be pissed when they find out
that you've killed
the soccer version of the Pope.
Reckon there's bumming in prison?
Yeah. Have to be.
Yeah, after a while, you just
start thinking, 'A hole's a hole. '
Someone like you...
have such a popular arsehole.
Probably have to get ticket machine
installed like they've got at delis.
Your arse ends up looking
like a smashed choc jam doughnut.
(Sighs) Man, in the showers,
you'll just be standing there,
they'll just see your fuckin' arse,
they'll be like
Princess Di's coming to visit them.
There'll be a party, mate.
Try not to think about it, though.
I could help you out,
but you're not talking to me, so...
...there's not really anything I can do.
What do you want me to say, Deano?
- I don't know, how about 'sorry'?
- Yeah.
- 'Sorry, Deano. '
- I'm really sorry.
Hey!
You know, sometimes I look at you
and I go, 'Where's the real Nige gone?'
- I miss that Nige.
(Car door slams)
This one's shit.
Want some of this, Deano?
- Go on, bro.
- Buy a mirror, mate. I'm not your bro.
Think Mama would have noticed
if you came out of her.
Shut up, Deano.
- Ooh!
- No, thank you, Nige.
I won't shut up.
Agh!
(Glass shatters)
No, no. Cut it out, man.
Hey, ceasefire. Come on, come on.
Just... Just calm down, man.
You guys ever heard of the expression
'There's an elephant in the room'?
Ever heard of the expression
'Shut up, dickhead'?
Oh... no, bro, but...
OK, it's like, picture this, OK?
We're all in this room, right?
And there's also, like,
there's a elephant in there.
But I don't know that it's there,
you know?
Why don't you know it's there?
Well, I guess it's invisible, you know.
Like... a really big invisible elephant.
How do we know it's there
if it's invisible?
The point is, guys,
is there something
you guys aren't telling me?
That's what I'm trying to say.
I don't know. Is there, Nige?
- No.
- Are you guys gay?
- Fuck off.
- We're so not gay.
Well... why are you acting
so weird, then?
# E. GRIEG: Peer Gynt: Prelude (Morning)
DEANO, V/O: I've decided something.
Yeah.
I've decided that today
is gonna be the last day of Gav's life.
Don't ask me why,
but the thought really calms me down.
Like, overnight,
I've stopped hating his guts.
Those penguins
really seem to like you, Gav.
Yeah. I thought
we shared a real affinity, you know?
Yeah, yeah, man.
It's like the animal kingdom just
sort of like vibing together, yeah?
It's like sharing the universe
for infinity.
Yeah, you get it.
Wow.
DEANO, V/O:
No need to hate someone's guts
when you know
they're gonna cark it in 24 hours.
(Penguins squawk)
Nige.
Wake. Wake up.
(Speaks Norwegian)
I want to apologise
for my behaviour last night.
You know, just...
I've had a good look
at myself overnight
and I need you to know
that that was the old Deano.
I'm a new Deano today and... (Sighs)
...I'm sorry for the actions
of the old Deano, you know?
How are those eggs?
Awesome, bro. I love yolk.
DEANO, V/O: Almost wish
I could tell Gav he's gonna die.
Like, if I was gonna die in 24 hours,
I'd wanna know,
so I could really make the most of it.
(Speaks Norwegian)
RADIO:... for Mr Johannsen...
- Was it hot? Hot pie?
... to Missing Presumed Dead.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, it was a really hot pie.
Like I said, I'm really sorry.
Yeah, well, that's not gonna be
good enough, is it?
...is a national hero and a role model
for all the children of Norway.
- No.
(Radio static)
No.
Hey. Hey.
(Shouts in Norwegian)
(Strains)
Got any plans for the day, Deano?
Yeah, mate, big plans. Big plans, Gav.
Thought maybe
just do a round-trip of the Catlins.
Just see all the best bits, you know?
Cool.
# Marching music
DEANO, V/O: We'll hit the road at 0900.
Take Gav to the Matai Waterfall,
the Tautuku Camp,
rendezvous with the dolphins
at 1400 hours,
past the petrified forest
and down to Slope Point.
And that's where Gav
takes in his final sunset.
Fuck, Gav. I'm gonna give you
the best last day ever.
Eh?
In the Catlins. Yeah, I'm gonna give you
the best last day in the Catlins.
Awesome, bro. I'm so excited, eh?
DEANO, V/O: Yeah. Me too.
# Ooh, ooh
# Whoo-oo, ooh, ooh
# I'm counting the beat
Two, three, four, five
# I'm feeling the heat
Glad to be alive
# I'm counting the beat
Six, seven, eight, nine
# I'm wishing that you,
that you were mine
# Thinking about you
You think about me
# Think about you
Counting the beat
# I'm thinking about you
# Ooooohh
# I'm thinking about me
# Ooooohh
# Thinking about you
# Thinking about me
# Thinking about you
# Thinking about just you and me
# La-da-de-de
There ain't no place I'd rather be
# La-da-de-da, la-da-de-da
# La-da-de-da, la-da-de-da... #
(Dog barks)
# La-da-de-da, la-da-de-da
# La-da-de-da, la-da-de-da... #
What have we got here?
DEANO: What do you reckon, Gav?
This is where me and Nige
used to come to school camps.
Awesome place.
I fingered Stephanie Filcher,
the Christian girl,
there's a woodshed over there.
Awesome. Didn't wash my hand
for a week. Remember that, Nige?
I used to make you smell it
all the time.
GAV: Wicked, bro.
- It's gone now.
Yeah, it's cool, huh?
Oh.
Hey, Gav, one time,
when all the teachers were away,
like, the whole class
was getting up in these rafters.
And we were, like, doing mega jumps
out of them, landing on the ground.
It was mad. Everyone was doing it.
Even Lisa Allcock did it.
Except Nige. He was the only one
in the class that didn't do it.
- Why?
- Yeah, isn't that right, Nige?
- Yeah, pissed himself.
- True, Nige?
Well, we gotta do it, then.
We gotta get your confidence back, Nige.
- That's a great idea. Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Come on, bro.
- Yeah, mate.
- Get up, man.
The only barrier is your mind.
Yes.
GAV: Come on, Nige.
DEANO: Go, Nige.
- You've got this, bro.
- Yes!
DEANO: Go. Go, mate.
GAV: Come on, bro.
- Get up there! Yes!
- Come on, you can do it.
DEANO: There we go.
GAV: You can do it.
Oh, mate,
if Lisa Allcock could see you now...
DEANO: Do it, Nige. Nige!
BOTH: (Chant) Nige! Nige! Nige! Nige!
Nige! Nige! Nige!
KIDS: ( Chant) Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
(Laugh)
(Chant) Nige! Nige! Nige!
Nige! Nige! Nige! Nige!
Aghhh!
Whoo-hoo!
Ohh.
DEANO: You alright, mate?
(Chuckles) Yeah.
How was that?
It was easy.
- Yeah.
- Fuck, yeah.
- You earned it, mate.
- Yeah, bro.
(All laugh)
(All cheer and whoop)
NIGE: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
(All laugh)
I suppose you realise
this is private property.
Or did you not see the sign?
Yeah, we saw it.
So what's the problem? Can't you read?
Shit, yeah. I'm awesome at reading.
Sorry, sir. We were just having
a bit of fun in there. That's all.
Sorry, Mr Abercrombie.
Are you former students?
- Uh, no. No.
- No. No.
Yes, you are.
Nigel Aitcheson and Dean Ormsby.
So what are you doing now?
For a job?
Uh... a bank teller.
Occasionally a bus driver.
See, kids?
That's what happens
when you muck about at school.
- I resent that.
- Fuck off.
You're not our teacher anymore,
Mr Dickhead.
You... You can't give us
detention anymore.
So... you can't do anything, can you?
So, fuckin' take your old balls
and fuck off, Mr Fuckface.
Yeah, fuckin' cock features.
Fuck you, you big... Dickball.
Fuckin' jizz wad.
- Fuck off.
(Stifled laughter)
Come on, fuck off.
(Whooping)
Sorry, sir.
Fuck, yeah!
- Yeah. That was pretty awesome, Nige.
GAV: Yeah, bro.
And, like, what did he mean, laughing
at your fellas' jobs like that, eh?
Like, when I tell people I do security,
they turn their noses up, you know?
You can't judge somebody
by what they do.
You judge somebody by who they are.
Spot on, Gav. Spot on.
Hey, Deano. Pull over.
What?
Pull over.
Oi. Nige. What...
Just... Just trust me.
Alright, two minutes. Alright?
Fuck off, Jeurgen. I mean it.
(Phone rings)
MONICA: Hello?
Monica, don't hang up.
Nige, where are you?
Uh... I can't say.
Oh, I imagined you
swinging from a noose.
I pictured you taking pills
or slitting your wrists.
I wouldn't do that, Monz.
Then why did you say
I might never see you again?
Are you gonna say something?
I know I'm the father, Monz.
I mean, I'm... I'm stupid,
but, uh... even I'm not that stupid.
Nige, this baby
doesn't want you as a father.
Why not?
Look at yourself, Nige.
Yeah, just... actually
take a look at yourself.
I've changed, Monz.
People don't change, Nige.
Yes, they... Yes, they do, Monz.
They do.
I've-I've... I've done so much thinking,
it's like... my head is gonna explode
and, like, fall out
into just lots of pieces.
I've... Fuck, Monz, I've...
You've gotta believe me.
I'm... I can be a father.
I can look after you and the baby.
You can't even
look after yourself, Nige,
I can. I can.
I'm... I'm gonna come and talk to you
and we can... you know,
we can figure this out, Monz.
It's my baby too.
OK.
But don't get your hopes up, Nige.
- I gotta go.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(Sirens blare)
Hey. I can't find my togs.
Just go in your gruts. Come on.
# Marching music
DEANO, V/O: I've heard that
for people that have killed in wars,
the hardest thing is when you think
of the person you're killing
as a person, you know?
Like with feelings and that?
Ooh!
What you should do is start thinking
of them as, like, not human at all.
Like... a robot.
Or a beanbag.
But I've really got to know Gav today
and it's a bit hard
to pretend he's a robot.
He's actually quite a good guy.
Yeah!
Look at him go.
Hey, Deano. How come
you're being so nice to Gav?
(Sighs) Come on, Nige.
Life's too short
to carry around hate, mate.
Hate's too heavy, man.
Just gotta live life to the full, yeah?
Yeah.
It's better to burn out than fade away.
- Highlander.
- Queen soundtrack.
- Yeah.
- Classic sword fights.
- Yeah. Hey, Nige.
- What?
- Cold splash!
- Agh!
(Laughs)
Aghhh!
There can be only one!
(Both laugh and whoop)
QUEEN: # Who wants to live forever?
# Who want to live forever? #
Nige.
Holy shit!
DEANO, V/O: You know that story
where that little girl rides a whale?
Well, this is far more amazing,
because Gav is really fat and he was
riding a really little dolphin.
# Forever... #
DEANO: Go, Gav! (Laughs)
That was the most amazing thing
that's ever happened to me in my life!
- Did you guys see that?
NIGE: That was amazing.
- Whew!
- It was fucking awesome, Gav!
It's just not even
scientifically possible, is it?
Like you're massive
and that's a tiny dolphin.
- How did you do that?
- Don't know.
Oh. Oh, man.
I'm gonna take a while
to come down from this one, eh?
DEANO, V/O: Fuck, Gav's a good guy.
I totally get what Nige sees in him now.
You nearly killed that dolphin, man!
(Laughs)
Gonna be a real shame
to see him go.
# Who wants to live forever?
# Forever
# Is our today... #
Do you want a scone?
# Whakaaria mai
# Tou ripeka
# Ki au... #
DEANO, V/O: Gav's singing
really tugs at the bottom of my stomach.
It's really powerful.
As I'm watching him, I'm thinking,
'Shall I kill him in the van? '
See you, mate.
Ah... ah... Aghhh!
I think that'd be a nice way
for Gav to go -
get a nice view of the ocean
and he'd be in his van, which is cool,
it's like a womb to him.
Or I could kill Gav in the bath.
GAV: Hey!
It's an exciting way to do it -
seeing his face
as he surrenders to death
and accepts that... it's just not his
destiny to hang out with me and Nige.
# Kona au
# Titiro atu ai... #
But none of those options
are as good as plan A.
So... all I've got to figure out
is how to get Gav to the lighthouse...
# Au koe noho ai
# Amene. #
Really amazing singing, Gav.
Thank you, bro.
Well done.
- Hey, Deano.
- Yeah?
Got a bit of a confession
to make, actually.
Oh, yeah?
Well... to be honest, bro...
...I really didn't think
I was gonna like you, eh?
You know? I really try to see
the good in people, you know?
And for a while there...
couldn't see it.
- But you know what?
- What's that?
Now I see the good in you, bro.
I see the good in you.
- Thanks.
- Whoa.
(Sighs) Yeah.
I see the good in you too, Gav.
When I look at you, I see a man
my mum would be proud of.
Yeah. Or like a... a bird... flying high
above the cliffs,
just sort of, like, settling down
and then just making everyone happy,
like this awesome writing bird.
Oh. That's poetry, Deano.
- Thanks, man.
- Kia ora, bro.
# Marching music
GAV: Oh. Far out.
Fuck, Deano!
Oi, it's alright,
we've got third-party insurance.
- We'll just fix it up.
- How's that gonna help?
Just... With insurance,
there's always a way, Nige.
I'm gonna head back to town
and see Monz.
Yeah? That's a fuckin' great idea,
soldier.
Yeah, get on the main drag
and straight back to town, alright?
Don't look back.
I'll take care of Gav, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Alright.
GAV: Hey, Nige.
Are you coming to the lighthouse?
Uh, no.
- You're gonna love the lighthouse, Gav.
- Yeah?
DEANO: Yeah. It's so big up close.
(Siren blares)
NIGE: Oh, fuck...
G'day, Nige.
- Hey, Des.
- Thought it was you.
How's your mum?
Oh, she's good. Yeah.
Good. Good.
Mind if I hop in?
That door's fucked.
Uh... Vandals have
smashed the whole thing up.
Vandals, eh?
I'll hop in the back.
So, here's the thing, Nige.
Um... have you read the newspapers?
No.
Oh!
Catlins is hitting the news, big-time.
- Is it?
- Yeah. Yeah.
So... (Clears throat)... I don't want you
to take this the wrong way, Nige,
but it's just,
uh, something I've got to do.
Eh?
Ask you a few questions.
What are you doing here? In the Catlins?
(Speaks Norwegian)
Showing a mate around.
Oh, yeah. Where you been?
Uh... Slope Point, petrified forest...
...uh... dolphins.
- Blowhole?
- Eh?
Did you show him the blowhole?
Ah...
No.
You know, Nige - you shouldn't be
driving this thing around.
You shouldn't have it on the road.
How else am I supposed to
get it to the garage, Des?
Hey, Nige. I'll need your keys.
OK. Yeah.
Hey, Des.
Yeah, Nige?
Thanks for the tow.
Oh, one other thing, Nige.
I'm looking for a big Maori guy,
drives a two-toned blue van.
You haven't seen him round, have you?
No.
(Car door slams shut, engine starts)
Gav.
(Tyres screech)
Aghhh!
(Pants heavily)
(Amazing Grace plays on bagpipes)
DEANO: Yeah, you've actually got to
get right up close to appreciate it.
- It's amazing.
GAV: Oh, cool.
GAV: Whoa! Whoa! How about this wind?
DEANO: Yeah, it's pretty windy, eh?
GAV: Ohh!
- Crazy, huh?
- Oh, yeah!
DEANO, V/O: It's nice to know
that Gav's life is about the journey
and not the final goal.
'Cause it means that
whenever his life may be cut short,
it's always gonna happen at the time
that he's at peace with himself.
- We should climb over.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Get a better view.
Believe it or not,
I've just pulled off a masterstroke.
You can't see anything from back there!
Come on!
Because today
is no ordinary day of Gav's life.
This is the day
when Gav cheated probability.
This is the day when Gav
felt like an absolute legend.
And I think to myself,
'Is this the moment? '
Agh!
No. No.
Something seems ungentlemanly about it.
Whoa!
(Both laugh)
Cher, bro.
Fuck, Gav's awesome. What he's doing
actually takes a shitload of balls.
He's far gutsier than I realised.
Aghh! Can you feel the fear?
- Eh?
- Can you feel the fear?
Oh, yeah.
(Both shriek)
- Fuck, yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Fuck, yeah!
(Both yell and whoop)
(Deano laughs)
You're a great guy, Gav!
You're a great guy too, Deano!
Hey, this has been an awesome day!
Kia ora, bro!
Yeah. Kia ora, Gav.
Agh... Aghhh!
(Gav screams)
- Nooo!
- Nige!
Gav!
DEANO: What are you doing?
NIGE: Gav!
Gav!
DEANO: It's alright! Calm down!
- ( Faintly) Help!
- He's alive!
- Nah, it's a bird!
- ( Faintly) Help!
- It's a bird.
It's a squawk, mate.
Gav doesn't squawk.
It's Gav!
You tried to kill Gav!
(Strains, grunts)
- Fuckin' calm down!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're fuckin' mental! Calm down!
Oh!
(Grunts)
Aargghhhh!
(Nige screams)
(Screams)
(Thunder rumbles)
(Spits)
Aghhh!
NIGE, V/O: You know when you do
something on the spur of the moment
and then a moment later, you think,
'Ugh, probably shouldn't
have done that'?
Yeah. Well, this was one of those times.
Aghhh!
Nige!
It was a fucking bird!
It was a fucking bird! (Sobs)
DEANO, V/O: You know, Nige's mum
used to say, when I got us in trouble,
'Oh, what if Deano jumped off a cliff,
would you jump off too? '
Well, Nige, if you jump off a cliff,
then so do I.
And when I hit the bottom and we both
make it to the next life or whatever,
I'll be your best fuckin' friend
in that one too.
Aghhhh!
(Deano grunts, groans) Fuck!
(Deano and Nige scream)
Hey, Deano. Am I dead?
(Coughs, splutters)
(Nige splutters)
- Nige!
No, you're not dead, Nige.
Oh, Gav. Gav's OK?
Yeah, he's fine.
He's halfway up the cliff over there.
Fuckin' lighter.
Where's my Playboy lighter?
NIGE: Hey!
Hey!
They can't hear you, Nige.
They wear headsets.
Yahhh!
We're over here!
Nige. They know we're here.
That's not what
you should be worried about.
What you should be worried about is
the fact that that's a police chopper.
(Imitates siren) Woo- ooo, woo-ooo!
You know, the cops?
Bet they're real keen
to hear your story.
What are you gonna tell 'em?
You're fucked.
See, the thing is...
I could help you, though.
I could make it go away like that.
- Eh?
- Yeah, that's right.
I know you think my plans are shit.
But I've got a plan
to get you out of this.
And it's a pretty fuckin' good one.
But why should I?
Why should I even bother, Nige?
I could've not got involved in this.
Life would've been sweet as for me.
But I did.
I did it without thinking.
You know why?
Oi.
You know why, Nige?
'Cause I'd take a bullet for you.
Like, literally. Think about that.
If someone shot a gun at you...
...I'd stand in front of the path
and I would take the bullet...
...in my heart.
But would you take a bullet for me?
Here we go! Yeah!
(Screaming)
(Gunshot)
Yeah, I would.
(Sniffs) What?
You'd take a bullet for me?
Fuck, man... you're my best friend.
(Deano breathes heavily)
- My brother.
(Deano sobs)
I wouldn't even have to think
about it.
I'd just... Take a bullet.
Of course I would.
(Sobs)
(Deano sobs)
Fuck, yeah.
# If you need somebody
# Free, free, set them free
# Call my name
# Free, free, set them free
# And if you want someone #
# Free, free, set them free #
Oi.
Nige.
# If you want to keep something precious
# Free, free, set them free
# You got to lock it up
and throw away the key
# If you want to hold on
to your possession
# Don't even think about me
# Free, free, set them free
# If you love somebody
# Love somebody
# If you love someone
# Love somebody
# If you love somebody
# Love somebody
# If you love someone #
# Love somebody #
It's gonna be alright, Nige.
Now listen, here's what
we tell the cops, alright?
I'll do the talking.
Isn't it amazing? It's mad!
# If you love somebody
# Love somebody
# If you love someone
# Love somebody
# If you love somebody
# Love somebody
# If you love someone
Set them free
# Oh, yeah
# Set them free
# Free, free, set them free
# Oh, set them free
# Free, free, set them free
# Free, free, set them free #
It may not look like I've come that far
since that night when I killed Jeurgen,
but I reckon I've come a long way.
In a weird way, I can thank Deano.
He was amazing with the cops.
He told them he tried to kill Gav,
he told them he ran over Jeurgen.
And all I have to do is visit him
once a week in prison.
DEANO: Here she is.
Pfft! Looks like you're the mayor
of Dorksville!
Which is fair enough
when you think about it.
You know, 15 years from now,
I'm out.
We're back flatting together.
It's gonna be classic.
(Sighs) Oi, Nige...
Come here.
Ow!
- (Laughs)
- Fuck your face.
I've never seen him happier.
Prison has been the best thing
for Deano.
(Deano and Nige laugh)
Deano doesn't know this,
but I'm still hanging out with Gav.
Gav quit his security job
and used his compo payout
to write a book
about his close encounters
with wildlife in the Catlins.
This one is called
The Reluctant Dolphin.
(Reads) 'The brave little dolphin felt
the powerful thighs of the warrior
around his flippers.
On him he made it to the shore.
He blessed the dolphin and renamed him
Tangaroa, god of the sea. '
(Applause)
Monica and I are having
an on-again, off-again relationship
that is becoming more like
an off-again, off-again
with an occasional root.
The thing is with women, Nige,
is you have to empathise with them.
Like, when a woman has her period,
you know what you should do?
You should imagine punching yourself
in the balls.
That way, you can know what kind of pain
she's going through, you know.
Yeah. Good one, Gav.
You're welcome, bro.
(Groans)
(Sighs)
- Nige.
(Breathes heavily)
Are you OK, Nige?
Oooh. Yeah.
Gav gives such great advice.
At the moment, I'm in a lot of pain.
But it's worth it for moments like this.
(Groans)
(Moans, squeals)
And me, I've changed so much
it's like I've had my head gasket
replaced.
Now I've got a whole different reason
for doing laps
in the middle of the night.
His name's Jace the Ace.
I can't wait till he's a bit older
and me and Gav can take him
for adventures to far-flung places
like Dunedin and the North Island
and that.
Jace!
(Sighs)
Oopsies.
(Baby laughs)
Nige, look. Look!
Whoa.
(Laughs) I'm flying, Gav!
- Yeah, Nige!
- Woo-hoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
- Woo-hoo!
# Don't know where to turn
# I'm gonna drift into that void
# I'm flying through space
I'm an asteroid
# Time doesn't take place
when you're paranoid
# I'm thinking about you
and nothing else
# Thinking about you,
you're thinking about me
# Thinking about you,
I'm counting the beat
# Thinking about you
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
# Thinking about me
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
# Thinking about just you and me
# La da de de
There ain't no place I'd rather be
# La da de da, la da de da, la da de da,
la da de da
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
# I'm bleeding to death
# On a cloudless day
# A three, a four heartbeat
# A waltzin' away
# Oooh ooh, oo oo
# I'm counting the beat
# I'm feeling the heat to be alive
# I'm counting the beat
# I'm wishing that you
# That you were mine
# Thinking about you,
you're thinking about me
# Thinking about you
and counting the beat
# Thinking about you
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
# Thinking about me
# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
# Thinking about you
# Thinking about me
# Thinking about you
# Thinking about you and me
La da de de
# There ain't no place I'd rather be
# La da de da, la da de da, la da de da,
la da de da
# La da de da, la da de da, la da de da,
la da de da. #
Captions by
# CHRIS KNO X: Not Given Lightly
# Hello, my friend
# It's morning, time to wake now
# Your body and mine
entwined will have to break now
# I want your flesh,
your warmth to stay beside me
# Oh, how I wish
you could be deep inside me
# Show me your eyes,
your love, most tender feeling
# And I'll give you mine,
be truthful and revealing
# 'Cause it's you that I love
And it's true that I love
# It's love not given lightly
# But I knew this was love
And it's you that I love
# And it's more than what it might be
# When we're alone
I cannot always face you
# Maybe my mood
won't let these arms embrace you
# That doesn't mean
my love's somehow diminished
# Give me the time
to show our love's unfinished
# 'Cause it's you that I love
and it's true that I love
# And it's love not given lightly
# But I knew this was love
And it's you that I love
# And it's more than what it might be
# I need your body,
your mind and your emotions
# Shed me your tears
till I drown in your oceans
# 'Cause it's you that I love
and it's true that I love
# And it's love not given lightly. #