1
Greetings, Muggles.
My fucking God. He fell for it.
I told you he would.
It's not really fancy dress, you dick.
What? No way!
These are the jokers from my course
I was telling you about.
You lot. Technically, I didn't fall for it
as there was no way I could have known.
- Whoa. Where d'you think you're going?
- Into the party.
You're dressed like Harry Potter.
There's no way you're coming in here,
you fucking plum.
You could have come as someone sexy.
Hermione's sexy.
What a twat.
Mental.
Guys?
Guys?
Piss off, Harry.
Well, this is a disaster.
I've come down from Sheffield for this?
It's OK. We'll still have a good weekend.
There's a pub I love just down the road.
I'm wearing a gym skirt.
It's a student town. No one will care.
- And no pants.
- Righto.
Oi, Si. Nudgies.
- What the fuck?
- Sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Fuck me. What a waste of a weekend.
I thought you said they were
your best mates at uni.
- Yeah.
- I'll find us some mates.
I've got this amazing app called Grindr.
Made loads of new mates through it.
My gosh, you'll never guess what.
- Someone's sent you a penis shot?
- Nah, I just got an email from Jay.
- No way.
- Way. Listen to this.
"Dear Neil, you fucking weapon..."
As you know, I am on a mental gap year,
in Australia.
Or outback...
as they say over here.
So I thought I'd email you,
not because I miss you lot
but because this place is a million
out of ten and you'll be well jel.
Life has never been better.
It's much better than when I was going out
with Jane, who I now no longer think about.
I'm living near a town called Sydney
and working at the most mental club
in Australia called Revolutions.
I am now their premier number one DJ...
Good evening, ladies!
Going by the name of DJ Big Penis,
which everyone agrees is the perfect name.
Get Lucky
I've made so much cashola,
which is Australian for money,
that I've bought myself a fuck-off mansion
and filled it full of pussay.
And like Will's mum's appetite for cock,
it's enormous.
Before that, I was living
with Uncle Bryan, who's my dad's cousin,
although he is tragic
and obviously not as cool as my dad.
What's that?
Anyway, it will come as no surprise to you
the number of Aussie birds I'm rooting,
which is Australian for knobbing.
" ' Yes!"
They're total filth and
fuck like kangaroos,
all big teeth, bouncing and wet pouches.
I make love to them with a technique
I like to call the one-pump orgasm.
They absolutely love it.
Name an Aussie bird and I've fucked her.
Check.
Check.
Kylie and Dannii Minogue three-way?
I'd done that ten minutes
after getting off the plane.
And mates? I've made loads of cool
new mates who come round for dinner.
But really it's all about the birds.
Aussie sheilas just can't get enough
of Jay, especially the supermodels,
who, by the way, love it up the shitter.
I've been woken up by a blowjob from
a different girl every single morning.
You can imagine what that's like,
waking up every morning to a blowie.
What is this I'm feeling?
They keep it so clean.
I haven't had to wash my cock in weeks.
Basically, everything's better
than when I was with Jane,
who, as I mentioned, I
no longer think about.
We've come too far...
To give up who we are
On the minus side,
I've had to punch out a few koala bears,
normally when they drop out of the trees
and try to fight me.
Mug! Have it!
But other than that, it's been bonza,
which is Australian for fucking brilliant.
Come and stay any time you like.
I guarantee I'll get you sucked
drier than Simon's mum's fanny.
Say hello to those other two dozy pricks
if you see them.
Tell your bent dad he still can't bum me.
We're up all night for good fun.
And tell your fit sister
that I'd like to...
- No, come on.
- What does it say?
"I'd like to chew on those
massive juicy burger nipples of hers",
reach my thumb round and..."
No, it's too much.
Oi, get off!
Oi!
- There's more. "Flip her over..."
- What a lovely email.
"...spoodge down her face, over her back,
clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal..."
This goes on a bit.
Australia sounds a laugh.
Not like hanging out with you two.
Wish I'd gone to Australia this weekend
instead of shitty Bristol.
You know it's on the
other side of the world?
- Doubt it.
- Excuse me, mate. You're on.
At last, something decent.
- Is this seat taken?
- Yeah, sorry, it is.
- Have you got any friends at university?
- Of course I have, Simon.
I'm just lucky that I've managed to not
get tied down to a clique or a group.
- I'm free to hang out with anyone and everyone.
- Or no one.
You changed universities
just to be with your girlfriend.
I've got mates other than Lucy.
Pete, for one.
- Who's Pete?
- Pete from my halls.
I must have mentioned Pete. Pete.
Pete, my best mate.
My best mate at uni.
I do spend a lot of time with Lucy.
Although she has changed a bit
since we were on holiday.
And, well, what's the word
when someone's not nicer?
- Nastier?
- Yeah. I think that's it, maybe.
- She's nastier.
- Right, out. You're barred.
Barred? What?
Why?
That.
So we're ali on the same page,
that's me, Wall McKenzie,
seemingly Bristol University's
least popular undergraduate.
And that's my friend Simon, who's got
university relationship problems of his own.
Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty Scott?
- Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?
- Goodbye, whore.
Simon, swear on your hoodie
you're not going to cheat on me.
What? No, please, Lucy,
that's my favourite.
- Lucy.
- Sorry, Simon.
But I just have to be sure.
I just love you so much.
I love you too, cuddles.
And finally, there's Neil.
At least he's made a new friend.
Buster.
I don't know what brand of shower gel
Neil uses,
but I suspect it might be Pedigree Chum.
And as we headed back to my room,
if I'd assumed watching some tow-level bestiality
would be the low point of my night, I was wrong.
Not again!
Is your room in space?
Thank you, arseholes!
They've done a pretty good job, to be fair.
I fucking hate it here.
To be honest, I'm glad
I chose not to do uni.
- More reality than a choice.
- Exactly.
- Maybe we should go to Australia.
- And surprise the fuck out of Jay!
- I was joking.
- Why?
It's better than hanging round
old men's pubs and dressing up as magic.
We get four weeks off for Easter.
I dread spending it with Lucy.
- Can we afford it?
- Will, they invented student loans
so students could go on holiday.
And I got a sweet bonus this month.
I'm the cleverest non-Asian
in the department.
I have always wanted to go travelling.
I think I'd be good at it,
do it properly, not like Jay.
- How can you be good at it?
- He's staying in one place.
I'd explore, meet people,
come back a better and more rounded person.
He's getting sucked off every morning.
Fuck it, I'm in.
So, goodbye, shitty Bristol.
I was off to Australia.
Now, petal, you know how much I worry.
- So I've got you a special holiday gift.
- Thanks, Mum.
It's...
a rape alarm.
What do you think is gonna happen to me?
- Petal, I think you might get raped.
- Right.
Sweetie, it's better to have a rape alarm
and not need it
than to get gang-raped in an alleyway by men
you may have, however innocently, led on.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hello, Kevin.
You sorry to see them leave?
Actually, it's handy Neil's going away.
Give me a chance to get some men in,
to decorate his bedroom.
- Virgin Atlantic flight V8301
- That's our flight.
I am gonna miss you, petal.
Yes, all right! Get off!
Be very careful, little soldier, OK?
- Your mum looks fit when she cries.
- Thank you.
- I bet she looked amazing when your dad left.
- Brilliant.
Off we went, running
away from our problems.
All I knew about Australia
was that if it could bite you,
sting you or eat you alive,
then it probably lived there.
But nothing had prepared us
for the beauty of Sydney Harbour.
And Neil was particularly impressed.
- What the fuck is that?
- What?
- That fucking thing.
- The Sydney Opera House?
No, that thing, the spaceship.
The spaceship, there.
That's the sightseeing done.
We need to find this club.
Hang on. Got a signal now.
Googlemappage to the rescue.
It's this way.
No way! That just cost me 20 quid.
Data roaming charges
are pretty extortionate abroad.
- Well, I'll just stand still, then.
- That's not really how it works.
Another 20 quid?
I'm not roaming now, you
useless piece of shit!
- Just switch it off, Neil.
- Agh!
- Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now.
- Not sure that was strictly my fault.
We left the harbour to find Jay,
to see if he really was
getting sucked off every morning.
Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis
rocking da house.
No, nor can I.
Selfie
Ever taken a backpack
or a suitcase to a nightclub?
No, of course you haven't.
Because you're not a fucking idiot.
Hey!
Let me take a selfie
We had nowhere to stay
and, surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't
the club's premier number one DJ.
Let me take a selfie
I don't get it. He said he worked here.
He also said he knocked out a koala
and fucked the Minogues.
- Legend.
- He's not here.
Have to spend the night in a hostel.
Aren't hostels a bit pikey?
Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon.
Full of interesting people
who are travelling, like us.
I don't know. We visited Uncle Paul
in a hostel when he had cancer.
Wasn't very cool if I'm being honest.
- It also wasn't a hostel.
- Fine.
- If it's only one night, I suppose.
- Yeah.
- Least there might be some sexy nurses.
- There won't be.
Quick pizzle first?
That's it, sir.
Wash your fingers for the mingers.
No splash, no gash. No Armani, no punani.
No Dolce & Gabbana, no sucky your banana.
- Jay! Jay!
- Fuck.
- Jay?
- No, pal, the name's Bruce.
What? Shut up, Jay.
Sorry, I've never heard of this bloke Jay.
It's clearly not him. Let's go.
- So you're not Jay?
- It's Bruce, you fucking drongo.
- But you've got Jay's face.
- Nah.
And your sign says
"Jay's Pussay Juice - dollar a squirt."
- Coincidence.
- What's happened to Jay? Is this a wind-up?
Course it's a bloody wind-up!
100% merked.
The looks on your faces.
You prize bellends.
I can't believe you fell for that.
- We didn't.
- It is you, Jay!
Epic bants!
All right, Neil, calm down.
Good to see you, man.
Just to clear one thing up, though.
You do work in a toilet, don't you?
I can see going to uni
hasn't made you any less of a retard.
Course I don't work in a fucking toilet.
Why are you working in a toilet, then?
It's a joke!
Don't worry,
it probably went over your heads. Whoosh.
I run this whole club.
- I'm my own boss.
- Boss of a toilet.
Well, drinks are on you, then.
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.
Yeah, great, perfect.
Jay's story made complete sense.
If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely dress like
a snooker player and hang out in the toilets.
I cannot wait to hear
the mad bants you've been having.
Mate, the bants in Australia
are legendary.
Cos I've been delivering most of the bants.
- I'm like Banta Claus.
- I've got bants.
- Nudgies.
- You twat!
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
My God!
What? You don't recognise me, do you?
Katie?
- Katie Evans from prep school?
- Maybe you do remember.
I'll never forget that sleepover
we had at Lloydie's house.
- I don't remember that.
- No, nor me.
How amazing to see you.
What an incredibly small world.
I don't know. Seems like every kid
from the Home Counties
- is out here doing a gap year.
- Yeah, what a cliche.
- So what are you up to?
- I'm doing a gap year.
The standard. India once, India twice.
Love, heartbreak, silent retreat.
Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot.
Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes.
Indonesia, healers, reiki,
cafes, tears, revelations,
amazing people, amazing conversations.
Unforgettable
and life-changing experiences. You?
I'm visiting my friend
who works in a toilet.
You always made me laugh, you nutter.
- What are you really doing?
- Travelling.
- Out here for four weeks.
- So you're on holiday.
No, travelling, I think.
What have you been up to without me?
Must have been shit.
- I've been at uni.
- That's bent.
What about you?
Been getting your dick wet?
- I went swimming.
- No, with fanny juice.
Right. Er, no, not really.
I worked in the garage.
Now I'm working in the bank.
- You know your cousin Michelle?
- Yeah.
- I fingered her.
- Neil.
Tell me you're not staying
in Sydney, are you?
- It's so banker.
- No.
I'm going to, erm...
- Er, where is it you're going?
- Byron Bay. It is awesome.
I've got a job there selling excursions, like
white-water rafting, zip lining, bungee.
I was actually just flyering to raise
some cash for the bus tomorrow.
Well, it's been nice to see you.
What? I haven't seen you in ages.
- Why don't you come to Byron?
- You're inviting me?
Of course I'm inviting you. Come to Byron.
Look, you would love the vibe.
It's so you. It's just totally chill.
Really, I'd love to,
but I'll have to ask the others.
I'll convince them.
- Is that them over there?
- No, no.
That's not them.
Erm, but I'm sure my actual friends
will be up for it.
Yay! Amazing!
Right, well, I will see you tomorrow, then.
- What?
- Nothing.
- See you later... alligator.
- Love it.
I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.
- Who was that?
- Katie Evans from junior school.
- Definitely my first love.
- That is well Jimmy Savile.
- Just an old friend.
- That you wanna have sex with.
She might wanna have sex with me.
- She kissed me on the lips.
- Tongues?
- No, but...
- No, that don't count.
- My mum used to kiss me on the lips.
- When you were a child.
Couldn't have done it any other time.
She ran off when he was ten.
Girls don't kiss people on the lips
they don't fancy.
She's one of those mouth-kissing girls.
I've met loads at uni.
- Have you?
- I met one and then Lucy punched her.
I'm not surprised Briefcase
has had a sniff.
Australia is the sex capital of the world.
That's why I'm here.
They call it down under cos that's where
your face spends most of the time.
- Banter.
- I've spent plenty of time in the bush.
- The bush around 'me pussays.
- Banks.
Check these out. My new bants.
Hashmg mad banks.
- I'm the Archbishop of Banterbury.
- Bantom of the Opera.
- I don't get it.
- Whoosh.
Bani and Dec.
- Someone needs tickets to the bantomime.
- Eric Bantona.
Just saying "banter" or "bants"
over and over again
is not a substitute
for actual amusing conversation.
Briefcase banter.
Jay, what are you doing? Your shift
doesn't end for another four hours.
- Good one, Lizzie.
- Get back to work.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, you pretend
to be my boss. It'll be hilarious.
Anyway, we'd better go.
Take one step outside that door,
you're fucking sacked.
You mean you're sacked. I just sacked you.
- Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.
- Just did, mate.
I'll see you later. I've gotta go home.
Don't think we can't find another bottom
feeder to wipe piss off people's hands.
Good one, Lizzie.
I can't wait to see the mansion.
- Can I have a room with a hot tub?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is the mansion?
A tent in your uncle's front garden?
It's only temporary. My new fuck pad
is still under construction.
In your mind.
I can't believe I've travelled
literally halfway round the world
to spend a month in a two-man tent.
Jay?
- Did you sweep that veranda this morning?
- Yes, Uncle Bryan.
Who are these pale little bastards?
- You butt-fucking boys in your tent?
- No, Uncle Bryan.
These are my friends from England.
Simon and Neil.
- And...?
- And Will.
Uncle Bryan, Cousin Shane.
- How's Australia treating you fellas?
- What a place. So interesting...
Greatest fucking country on Earth.
I keep telling Jay that he should move
here, but he won't. Too much of a pussy,
which is a shame, cos we could do with
some white immigration for a change.
Right.
Jay told us about the sheilas
he's been shagging.
Has he? Well, that's bullshit.
Closest this little runt's come to some vag
is when the dog
dripped period down his leg.
- Don't pretend you didn't get a boner.
- Good one, Bry.
- What's that?
- Nothing, Uncle Bryan.
Hey, some nights for shits and giggles, me
and Shano shine a torch through the tent,
we can see him sitting up, all silhouetted
like, bashing away on his little platypus.
You understand when I say platypus
I mean cock?
- Yeah.
- And guess what?
He's gone and dug a hole in
the ground to fuck.
I'm just kidding. It's a wormhole,
cos his dick's so small. Get it?
But I'm not kidding about the hole,
he has got that, and a small dick,
which he fucks the hole in the ground with.
Right.
- We should put our stuff in the tent.
- Yeah, all right. I'll see youse later.
Hey, careful you don't
fall in the fuck hole.
- He's nice, isn't he?
- He's all right. He's just...
- Australian?
- Yeah.
It's pretty obvious we can't
stay in here for four weeks.
I propose we go travelling.
My gosh. Think of the bants!
If we're travelling,
there's only one place to go.
Ooh. Uluru?
The Great Barrier Reef? Fraser Island?
No, none of that boring shit.
Splash Planet.
- I'm sorry?
- Splash Planet.
The whole of Australia and you're
suggesting we visit a water park?
If you hadn't spent the last six months
at uni wanking off to Shakespeare,
you'd know that water parks
are the ultimate place to fuck girls.
Scientists have proved the water pressure on
their clitties gives them such a wide-on,
when they get off the rides,
they're gagging for it.
- No word of a lie.
- Some word of a lie.
Where did the scientists get their
funding from? The University of Sex?
Fuck off!
Fucking leave me alone! Can I not have
one fucking day without you abusing me?
- Is that your mum?
- No, Lucy. She's burnt my trainers.
You need to end it, Si.
I know. I know.
Get your dad to text her,
tell her you've died. That's what I do.
Right. I think at least I need to
tell her to her face.
My uncle's got Skype.
Go and dump the nightmare now.
That's unfair. You don't know her.
Though she is a fucking nightmare.
- I'll do it, Si.
- No, it's all right. I'm going.
- Wish me luck.
- Bad luck.
Close enough.
Yo.
- Hey! Beer?
- No, thanks.
Is it OK to use the computer?
Yeah, course it is, mate.
Jay's always on there chubby chasing.
OK, I've worked it out.
We wanna go travelling,
you wanna go to Splash Planet,
which means the best place
to stay is here, Byron Bay.
Where mouth-kiss bird is?
It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,
on the beach, there's loads of cool hostels
and it's easy to get jobs
should we need money.
I've always wanted to be a dolphin trainer.
- Have you?
- You should go to Splash Planet.
- You'll get that job there.
- You won't.
Look, we're English, right?
Just finishing school in England makes us
ten times cleverer than any Australian.
We're like doctors or rocket scientists
over here. You can get any job you want.
- Even dolphin trainer?
- Course.
Turn up, tell 'em your English.
I am 100% certain that is not
how you get a job as a dolphin trainer.
Who's been living in Australia
for months? Me, that's who.
Yes, in a tent.
You calling your mummy
for a good night kiss?
No, I have...
I have to Skype my girlfriend.
You got a girlfriend?
Well done, mate.
Looking at you, no of fence, I'm amazed.
- What's wrong with her?
- Erm, nothing.
I'll be the judge of that.
Give us a look at her.
Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.
- Right. Yeah, I suppose so.
- Suppose?
Mate, if that was my sheila,
I wouldn't leave her side.
- You're getting married, right?
- Errn, no.
No? Fuck me, mate.
Look at that. Then look at you.
You could live to be a billion,
you'll never get a root better than that.
We sometimes argue a bit,
and we're quite young.
Cash your chips, mate.
That's the best you'll get ever.
At last. Where have you been?
- I haven't heard from you in days.
- I've been on a plane.
That was yesterday, you fucking moron.
Look, I think we need to talk.
I've checked your emails.
They're clean for now.
What's there to talk about?
- Look, I wanted to say...
- Will you marry me?
- What was that?
- No, no. What, what it was...
Simon.
- No, what it was was...
- Say it again.
What, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes!
My God! I thought you'd never ask.
- No, wait a minute, Lucy...
- What? What?
Nothing.
I'm so happy.
My God. Where's my...
Where's my phone? I need to ring people.
Congratulations, mate.
Where's my phone?
Here he is.
- Well?
- I can't go back home now.
- She didn't take being dumped too well?
- Did not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.
Well done.
You bellend!
Have I just fucked up my entire life?
Course not. Just cos you promise people
stuff doesn't mean you have to do it.
I once told Comic Relief I'd raise three
million quid by selling selfles of my cock.
- In the end, didn't bother.
- Right. I mean, I...
- Not sure how that helps my situation.
- Make something up.
The drive up to Byron's 12 hours.
We'll think of something.
Drive? I thought we were taking the bus.
Fuck that. I've got a car.
Bought it off Cousin Shane.
And considering it's an awesome
custom job, he done me a great deal.
Let's sleep on it. I'd like to get the bus
but I'm sure we can reach a compromise.
You're gonna keep talking
till we do what you want?
No.
I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.
Hunger
0h
So, compromise reached,
the next day we did what I wanted
and headed to the bus station,
which was full of other cool people
travelling to Byron Bay.
The Darien Gap is really all that's
left of untouched jungle in the world.
- Yeah.
- I'm going to do South America.
- I might try it.
- Yeah, you don't really try it.
It's a five-day trek
and you only sleep in hammocks.
Man, I got the shits so bad,
they used up the whole group's
medical supplies treating me.
It's so dangerous,
most guides won't even take you.
- Yeah, I found that.
- Shame.
So I walked it by myself,
unaccompanied, Panama to Colombia.
Unaccompanied? I...
- I thought that was illegal.
- It is, yeah,
but it's better that way,
because you meet the real locals
and there's none of that luxury bullshit
like hammocks and medical supplies.
So if you do get the shits,
or malaria, like I did,
then you just get on with it,
do you know what I mean?
Wow. What an experience.
Sounds incredible. Amazing stuff.
I'm Will, by the way.
You know, I used to have long hair too.
Not dreads, but erm... pretty long.
Yep. Had it all cut
just before we came out travelling.
Well, that's an interesting story.
Will, you made it.
Byron, here we come.
So you've met the rest of the gang?
We were chatting about South America,
my experiments with hair styles and shit.
Classic travelling shit.
I got you that McFlurry.
Jay says get a fucking move on.
- So are you guys travelling too?
- Yeah.
Yeah. It's my second
foreign holiday in a year.
- First we all went Malia.
- We went ironically.
It was brilliant.
They had jet skis you could rent.
Wow. Do tell us more.
They're like motorbikes
without wheels but on water.
Good one!
- I'm Neil Sutherland as it goes.
- Ben.
- Is that your whole name?
- No.
Does it matter'? It's Ben Thornton-Wilde.
- Which one?
- What?
- Thornton or Wilde?
- It's double-barrelled.
Choose one
depending on how you're feeling?
No, no, those...
those are both my last name.
What? Shut up.
That is mental.
Will, Ben here has got two last names, but it's
actually just one name. Have you heard of that?
Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.
"TANNOY".
Koala Coaches departure to Byron Bay...
Finally.
"TANNOY".
Departing now at stand 14.
- Are you coming, then?
- Me? No.
- I thought you were coming north with me.
- I am, just not on the bus.
My friends wanted to travel by car, so...
So you've been waiting at a bus station
for ages in your backpack
even though you're going by car?
- That's a bit weird, isn't it?
- Yeah. See you in Byron.
So off we went. We didn't know exactly
how to get to Byron Bay.
So we just followed the
bus that Katie was on,
perhaps a little too closely.
She looks well freaked out.
- Might it have anything to do with the car?
- Doubt it.
- A few questions about the car...
- Fire away.
Just why did you buy it?
I needed a cool set of wheels
and Shano did me a deal.
Is Shano a big Peter Andre fan?
Shane's not stupid.
The birds love Peter Andre.
Not sure anyone loves anything
enough to have sex with Shano.
What are you talking about?
He got so much anal in here,
I had to hose down the footwell.
This is the classic Aussie Shaggin' Wagon.
- Is it?
- It's the fuck truck.
- The mobile virgin conversion unit.
- We should use it on Will.
- Brilliant.
I can't wait to get a job training dolphins,
even though it's bad how they're treated.
Did you know, all they
feed 'em is raw fish?
That is grim.
I'd puke if all I ate was fish.
That is bang out of order.
- Imagine it, just raw fish.
- Their diet is fish.
- Yeah, cos that's all they're given.
- But also because that's what they eat.
It's so cruel, you know.
No burgers, no KFC, no Nando's on
birthdays, nothing. How would you like it?
Well, if all I ate was fish,
I probably wouldn't mind it.
All right, yes or no,
how would you like to just eat raw fish?
Well, if I was a dolphin...
- Yes or no?
- You can't compare...
- Yes or no?
- They're marine biologists.
- Yes or no?
- It's not as simple as...
Only raw fish, yes or no?
- No!
- Correct.
"Bryan Bay", next left.
Finally, we made it to Byron Bay,
and I'd never seen anywhere like it.
It was buzzing with life,
or in Jay's opinion,
absolutely rammed full of beliends.
But if there was one place where a car
featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits
wouldn't raise an eyebrow,
it was the Arts Factory Lodge hostel.
OK, Jay. Please park the car
where no-one can see it.
No.
Ben. Ben, mate!
- Man. I meant "man".
- Hey, guys. How's the holiday'?
What's on the tourist
itinerary for tomorrow?
Ha! That's funny. You
know we're not tourists.
- Splash Planet.
- I'm gonna work with dolphins.
- Start at the bottom, work my way up.
- Like father, like son.
His dad's bent.
I'll begin with the easy stuff,
cleaning out their cages and that.
So participating in
the enslavement of animals. Wow.
- Have you heard of ethically travelling?
- Is that with Ryan Gosling?
OK, er... we'll see you around.
Yeah, great.
- When?
- What?
I just wondered
when you'd see us around.
Is there a good time?
- It's a figure of speech.
- Cool. Catch you later, mate.
Mate? Man. Man.
He's all right, isn't he?
No, not really.
The hostel was laid-back, cool
and the kind of place where anything goes.
Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.
Smells a bit in here.
Shotgun.
Unlucky. Top-bunk wankers.
Fuck off, Neil. I want some hottie
above me, not your rotting arsehole.
I just wanna be near you.
I've been thinking.
Do we really need to go to Splash Planet?
Yes. Yes, we do.
But it's so tacky and
gaudy and full of idiots.
- It's my lifetime's ambition.
- You first mentioned it yesterday.
- Don't kill my dreams, Will.
- Hello, nutter.
You made it.
So, er, what are you up to tomorrow?
Any plans?
We thought we might travel
somewhere ethical, an Aboriginal... cave.
That's a shame.
I'm going to Splash Planet.
It looks brilliant.
It does, doesn't it?
- You just said it was tacky.
- What? Shut up.
You said it was full of idiots.
Are you an idiot, Katie?
They're being funny.
Stop being so funny, you guys.
Well, I must be an idiot, then,
because I think it looks amazing.
I can get you tickets if you like.
Really? Fantastic.
- Four, please.
- Cool. Done.
Right, I'm gonna go and sit by the fire.
Fancy coming?
Yeah. I just need to Skype home first.
My mother worries.
Crazy. Right, well, I'll
see you in a bit, then.
- You all right?
- Wait, I'm thinking.
- About what?
- Wait.
What is it?
Has anyone ever said anything less cool
to a girl than "My mother worries"?
"Bye-u '
Splash Planet wasn't one of
the great Australian tourist attractions
but it did have one sight I wanted to see.
Katie in a bikini.
First, I just had to Skype
the other woman in my life.
- Really?
- I haven't seen your mum for six months.
I need to refresh the
image in the wank bank.
Surely watching Simon dump Lucy
has to be more fun than this.
Nothing's more fun than your mum.
Hello, darling. I can't see you.
Yeah, you've not got your video on,
same as every time.
- Where's the button?
- Where it always is.
Where I have to point you
every single time we Skype.
Then move the camera down, remember?
- What camera?
- Come on. We've done this.
The camera. It's on top of the laptop.
- Just tip the lid forward.
- How's that?
- Move it up!
- Perfect.
Is that Neil?
- Can you both just fuck off?
- Don't be rude to your friends.
- He gets grump grumps when he gets tired.
- Just move the camera back.
Finally.
Look, I just wanted to check in,
tell you I've met some great new people...
Is... is Grandma staying over?
No. Why would you say that?
You've got two bowls and two mugs out
for breakfast.
Yes, so I have.
So who's staying over?
Your grandma.
You just said she wasn't.
Did I?
Think it must be the connection, darling.
Yeah, terrible connection.
You're breaking up.
I love you. Speak soon.
She's getting fucked, I reckon.
Meanwhile, it was second time lucky
for Simon.
The only way this Skype with Lucy
could go worse than the first
was if he somehow got her pregnant.
Hello, baby boo.
I love you.
- Lucy?
- Come on.
- Now you say it.
- No.
Look, there's something
I need to do right now.
- Put it away. There are elderly people present.
- What the fuck?
Popped round to see our
new daughter-in-law.
Simon, we're so delighted for you.
You'll have to start planning
as soon as you get back.
- Thanks for stating the fucking obvious.
- Oi, this is a happy occasion.
It's OK. It's an emotional time.
Come on, Pam,
let's leave these love birds to it.
Don't you two get carried away.
Me and Mum have seen plenty of videos that
start like this on the internet. Plenty.
Alan, please.
They're so nice.
They're fucking idiots.
We've all agreed on a date, so that's good.
- You've set a date?
- And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.
I just hope Jane will
come back from Australia.
No, Lucy, I'm in Australia,
not Jane, remember?
I'm not fucking senile, Simon.
I know you're there. She's there too.
- Why didn't you mention it?
- I'm sorry.
I forgot I'm meant to give you
minute-by-minute updates
on my friends' movements.
OK, so Suzanne is moving in with Steve
because she's missed her period.
And Louise is back in Coventry
because she's self-harming again.
Is that enough detail?
Yes, that's great, thank you.
The vibe at the hostel was incredible
and it was clear we weren't at home any more.
Things were different,
and it was nice to see that Simon,
Neil and especially Jay
were embracing this new environment.
No! Why is there always
some cunt with a guitar?
If anyone starts playing
the bongos, I'm leaving.
If the bongos start, I'm
burning the place down.
Open your minds, guys.
We're backpacking now.
- Get into the backpacking vibe.
- Vibe?
We're by a fire listening
to some posh prick play guitar.
- How much more backpacking can it get?
- Please don't ruin this for me.
Katie.
Nudgies.
- Enjoy the trip?
- Are you OK?
Yep. Yep. Totally fine. Good one, man.
- Looks like you've got front-row seats.
- Yeah. Lucky me.
At least you're here to
cheer me up, though. Hi.
Katie, can I play you a song?
No, I'm good, thanks.
God, that guy can be such a dick.
- Really?
- Yeah. Look at him.
He always has to be the
centre of attention.
How can anyone wear that many friendship
bracelets? No-one has that many friends.
How is giving a stinking piece of string
a show of friendship?
I know, right?
I mean, I only wear, what, like seven.
Actually, I made one for you.
- D'you want it?
- Yeah, great. I love these.
OK, Katie, this is your last chance.
What can I play for you?
How about The Sound Of Silence?
What the fuck?
Jay, you know Jane's
in Australia, right?
- What? Who?
- The fat bird that dumped you.
She did not fucking dump me, Neil.
- But you cried.
- Tears of joy probably.
Well, Lucy told me Jane's
here in Australia.
So? Like I give a shit.
- Weird, though. Amazing coincidence.
- Maybe she's come to get you back.
She should be so lucky.
You know the first rule of Banter Brigade.
- You're only allowed one fatty?
- Ha!
No, that...
that is a very funny joke, though, but no.
What is it again? I know it, but
I've just forgotten for a minute.
- All the Fs...
- Yeah.
Find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em.
No, Neil. All the Fs.
Find 'em, Frenchy 'em, get 'em frothy,
finger 'em, frig 'em,
film 'em, flange 'em, flick 'em,
fanny fart 'em, fuck 'em, frot 'em,
fist 'em, felch 'em, finish with 'em
and then finally forget about 'em.
Just like what I done with Jane,
or whatever her name was.
Sorry, I switched off after "frig".
You aren't bothered
about Jane being here?
No.
Did you know that laughter
is intensely spiritual?
So that means that you're very spiritual.
- Would you say you're spiritual?
- Erm...
It's quite a vague way
to describe a whole person.
Could you just narrow it down at all?
So, what I'm saying, right,
is that I think you're spiritual.
Yep, and I'm saying that's great...
Really great, but what do you mean?
Don't wanna sign up for something I'm not.
OK.
Actually, I've had a think about it
and I am spiritual.
I knew it!
Do you wanna get drunk?
On goon? Yes, please.
Did you really not know
Jane was in Australia?
Don't talk bollocks, Si.
If I'd have known that,
why would I have come here?
Because you wanna get her back?
Because you miss her?
- Is your lip all right?
- Yep.
She's at the water park, isn't she?
That's why you wanna go.
I made a mistake, all right?
I made a mistake
and I'm trying to make it better.
- Why didn't you see her before?
- I was building up to it.
And now you're here, I'm gonna do it.
So just don't fucking tell anyone.
- Tell anyone what?
- About your dad's world record.
- My dad's got a world record?
- Yeah. Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.
Hey, hey, hey! It's the dudes.
How are we, dudes?
Am I right in thinking my young friends
might be up for a little...?
Darts?
I don't think they've got a board.
You guys are so funny.
No. Anyone mind if I skin up? As if.
See, Stephen?
Nobody fucking minds!
That's right, run away from our problems
like you always do.
Fuck.
Fucking leave me alone.
God, do I really have
to marry that lunatic?
Well, I asked her, so, yes, I have.
God, how has this happened?
Marriage woes, yeah?
Dr Doobs prescribes
a toke of Jesper's finest.
A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
Um... all right, cheers.
- Si.
- What? I'm a fucking mess.
She's cutting up all my hoodies.
God.
Yes.
Ooh.
Fucking hell, mate,
you are the full package.
You're funny and spiritual.
I can't believe you're single.
It is hard to believe, but I am single.
I never know when you're joking
and when you're not.
But, let me tell you, if you could play
guitar, I would jump you right now.
Actually, I can play guitar.
Fuck off!
I've had a lot of time on my own at uni
to practise.
Fucking knockout!
Go on, then, mate. Give us a song.
OK.
Hey, Ben, man, can I have a go, man?
Wow. Erm...
Well, you don't really
have a go with a guitar.
It's... Not in front of
this many people, you know.
I just wanna play a song for
a friend, for... for Katie.
- Sure you've got this?
- Yeah, I think so.
- It's quite a lot of people...
- I can handle it.
- OK, well, just go for it, man.
- I'm trying to.
Just take the guitar.
Remove your hand from the
neck of the guitar, then.
Thank you. Thanks, man.
This is a... slight
change of mood but erm...
Yeah, hope you like it.
The first time
Ever I saw your face
What is he doing?
I thought the sun
It's weird. I don't like it.
Rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars...
I'm trying to stop watching, but I can't.
Were the gifts you gave
To the dark
And the empty sky
And the first time
Ever I kissed your...
- Woo!
Mouth
I felt your heart
So close to mine
Right, well, I'm going to bed.
Neil, you coming?
No, I might wait a bit.
The first time
Ever I saw
Your face
Your face
Your face
Your face
Your face
Your face.
This is very nice.
Is it a little bit public?
No-one cares.
Ooh. Hello. I sort of care.
Erm, should we be doing this here?
This is what travelling's about.
Now, get in bed.
I'm on the top bunk.
Look, you just lie there and I'll ride you.
What is this?
That's very hard.
Sorry. Let me get that out of the way.
This is someone else's bed.
Let's get on my bunk. It's just up there.
You're so sexy.
Um, Katie, this is great,
but you're very drunk.
Why don't we get a hotel for tomorrow?
My treat.
- Anything. You're gorgeous.
- Ssh.
Nah.
What? You're no fun!
I am. I am fun.
It's just... here?
Come on, let's have fun here.
Yeah, do it like that.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Your friend is asleep on my bed.
Now, this is not what it looks like.
You piece of shit!
After I'd explained to everyone
that it was my rape alarm,
and once they'd stopped laughing,
we got some sleep.
The next morning,
Simon was the first person in history
to get the munchies
ten hours after smoking a joint.
- You two not having breakfast?
- No.
I've got irritable bowel syndrome.
Gets worse when I get stressed.
I'm finding travelling stressful.
You should have seen me sweating
in the toilet block.
It's not even runny. It's just like
massive ones firing 'emselves out.
This foreign muck I'm eating don't help.
- You've only eaten McDonald's.
- Yeah, Australian McDonald's.
- Good morning.
- Here he is, the singing sex pest.
Say what you like. The song worked.
- Someone had a good night.
- Yes.
After the unpleasantness with Agnetha
was sorted out.
I think we have to call
last night a success.
A beautiful girl wants to have sex with me.
And there she is.
Yoo-hoo! Katie!
Katie! Katie!
Fucking hell, mate.
There's no need to shout.
Goon hangovers are the worst.
Look, it's all right, mate. I can walk.
God, I was so pissed last night.
You were a little. You passed out.
- I remember, like, an alarm or something?
- Yeah, don't worry about that.
Apart from that I literally cannot
remember a single thing that happened.
It goes straight from sitting
round the fire to puking this morning.
My God. Did we?
Well, sort of.
- We fucked?
- No.
- Did we kiss?
- Yes.
My God!
That is so funny.
- Isn't that funny?
- A bit.
God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.
- Bad?
- No, no, not in that way.
Not that you're not, like...
My God, I'm digging myself a hole here.
Change the subject, Katie.
I'm gonna go and get some breakfast and I'll,
er, I'll catch up with you in a bit, OK?
I've got to work out what adventures
people are on today.
Got the money for those
Splash Planet tickets?
Yes, of course. Erm, how
much do we owe you?
400 bucks.
400'? I thought it was $75 a ticket.
It is, but there's this
premium when I get them.
- It's just a thing.
- OK. Cool.
Looks like I'll have to get out
my mum's emergency stash.
All right, kinky.
Ha. No, no, it's not that.
She gave me a bit extra for emergencies
as a precautionary thing.
Well, cheers, mate.
I'll see you at the water park.
- So I've sorted out the...
- Wait. I'm thinking.
Swimming, swimming, swimming,
swimming, swimming
Just stay in your lanes...
To be fair, Splash Planet looked amazing.
And even though Jay insisted that 80%
of the water was made up of vaginal fluid,
we still couldn't wait
to try out the rides,
or, better still, work there.
I'm looking for a job as a dolphin trainer.
Are you a qualified marine biologist?
No, but I'm English.
OK. We don't have any jobs.
But you can swim with them for 75 bucks.
Cool, like work experience?
- No.
- All right, I'm in.
- Did you get the job, then?
- No.
- That's well racist.
- I'm gonna swim with one, though.
And I'm gonna give it the time of its life.
Is it just rne or did it sound like
he's gonna wank off a dolphin?
That is what it sounded like.
We split up and I went to find Katie.
Last night she said I was sexy.
So, today, I just had to seal the deal,
by laughing at anything she said or did.
Got ya.
Yes. Yes, you did. What
a good joke that is.
- Always funny.
- Hi.
Let's get on these rides, then.
It's the best hangover cure ever!
Yes. Erm...
I've heard the water pressure
on some of these slides is quite... high.
Look out. Hypocrite alert.
Ben, you came! Cool. Hi.
Hi. Yeah, I wanted to see
what the tourists saw in the place.
I'm not a tourist, man.
I've got a backpack, for one.
In Bolivia, they say,
"if you put a shell on a donkey,
does that make him a crab?"
- Don't know what that means, Ben.
- You'll find out.
- Right, let's ride some flumes.
- Yes!
Jay and Simon had left
me to, as Jay put it,
"Chase after Katie like a little prick,"
while they, for some unknown reason,
headed to the Lazy River - a child's ride.
- Does Jane work on this ride, then?
- No.
But, as you can see
from this map of the park,
the Lazy River
pretty much covers the whole place.
So, basically, we get on,
drift around till we see her. Simples!
Is that map entirely accurate?
There are pirates and crocodiles
having a sword fight on it.
It's a map, all right? Maps don't lie.
I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering you.
Course not. No, not at all. I love kids.
He's a paedophile.
Seriously, I'm trying to help you.
All right. Nudgies.
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Nudgies was fast becoming
no-one's favourite game.
Meanwhile, Nell was teaching animals
only slightly cleverer than him
that there's more to life than fish.
OK, guys, now you get some very special
one-on-one time with your dolphins.
If you'd like to take your positions...
Hello, gorgeous.
Come here.
Good boy!
This is amazing.
Look, apparently I'm not
allowed to train you,
because it turns out this
lot are well racist.
But there's one thing I can give you
that they can't.
On land, we call that a burger.
McDonald's probably do the best one,
followed by Burger King.
You like it, do you?
Come on, that's gotta be worth a kiss.
Lovely!
They say dolphins are clever,
but what they don't tell you is,
they're also greedy little bastards.
Meanwhile Jay and Simon
were sticking to their terrible plan.
This might not be the quickest way
to search the park.
It'll be fine. It's a matter of time
before we find her. Chill.
Jay?
- Is that him?
- Yeah, Dad, that's him.
All right.
Hey, mate, what are you doing
with those kids?
No, wait. My friend was joking.
- You're disgusting.
- I don't love kids.
Please. I hate kids!
They're not... sexy!
Please... agh! Jay?
Meanwhile, I was trying to impress
a girl I'd recently fingered to sleep.
My God! This is the one. Rapids Racer.
It's amazing.
You race other people down rapids.
Cool. How about me versus beaky, then?
Loser has to do a naked
streak round the park.
Yeah, that's hilarious!
Will, you're up for it, aren't you'?
I would be, but I'm...
- Boring?
- No, Ben.
- Scared? Ashamed of your tiny penis?
- No, Ben.
Actually I get nosebleeds.
- What?
- I think he said he gets nosebleeds.
Come on, let's race.
Will.
- What happened to you?
- I was waterboarded on the Lazy River
because Jay told some parents
I was a paedophile.
- Pretty good. Where's Jay now?
- He's gone to find Jane.
- Jane?
- That's why he's in Australia.
She works here
and he's desperate to get her back.
I'm not supposed to tell anyone,
but... after that, fuck him.
Will, come on.
What about your nosebleeds?
Did you want something?
Yeah, I'm looking for someone
that works here, a girl called Jane.
Ok, we've had a few Janes.
What does she look like?
She's got, like, red hair, quite big.
Well, no, beautiful, really,
like really, really beautiful.
Yes, I know Jane.
Yeah, she's a stunner all right?
So whereabouts is she working today?
She left about a month ago, mate. She got
a dream job, with horses or something.
- Did she say where?
- No, sorry. Outback somewhere?
That's all right. Guess I'll head
to the outback and go find her.
To the outback?
Yeah, you'll find her no problems.
- Will I? Jahmazing.
- Are you some kind of moron?
Of course you fucking won't.
The outback's enormous.
Nah, you'll never find her.
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.
If she gets in touch,
want me to say you're looking for her?
No, it's cool. I'm not even bothered.
I've got some stuff to sort out in...
Vietnam,
like CIA shit.
Basically, I'm getting my own private
train with a machine gun on front.
I'm gonna drive across the
country, standing up,
firing out the machine gun
as it goes along, so...
Now it's time for some chicken.
Ssh! Don't tell anyone.
All right, but this is the last one.
It's the bollocks. Meatball sandwich.
Wake up.
Come on!
We'll never know for certain
exactly what killed the dolphin,
but we do know that Neil did it.
There was tension in the air
as we waited to race.
And tension in the queue as Neil
barged past with his irritable bowels.
Out the way.
- Get in line, mate.
- No, I've got mates.
- I'm going up there.
- All right?
- How were the dolphins?
- The dolphins are fine, totally fine.
- Why wouldn't they be?
- Only asking.
I don't wanna talk about
the fucking dolphins!
My God!
Soz. That's my irritating bowels.
- Next two up.
- Right, good luck, boys.
See you at the bottom.
And don't forget, loser streaks.
Seriously, I would have thought
it'd have been gone by now.
- It's a new one.
- Jesus, Neil.
- I can't stop 'em.
- OK, next two.
- Will, I've got an issue.
- Ready to lose?
- I'm not, but you are.
- Will.
- I'm not gonna lose.
- What's that, mate? No, I'm gonna win.
- Will.
- I can't lose.
- We'll see about that.
- Will.
- I don't lose.
- You wish, jellyfish.
- What?
- Will.
Will, I need help. That last one,
I think maybe I followed through.
Go.
Look, it's my bowels, they're disabled!
No.
Will!
Wi", poo! Poo!
I'm sorry! It just slipped out!
Poo!
No!
My God! No, no, no, no, no!
God! No!
No!
Go faster, go fucking faster!
Out of the water! Clear!
Clear!
Clear!
Yeah! You won! Yeah!
No!
My God!
Adagio in G Minor
Please.
My God!
It wasn't funny, Simon. I was arrested.
Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet
security team can strictly arrest you.
- Children were crying.
- I don't think that was you.
I think that was to do
with that dolphin that died.
- Neil, you were swimming with them.
- I didn't swim with any dolphins.
If you keep telling lies about me,
I'll bring up your mum's hairy face again.
Calm down.
All you all right, Jay?
- Everything's ruined.
- What's up? Your tight foreskin thing?
I've fucked it up again.
- Lay off it for a week. It'll get better.
- She's gone, forever.
- Who?
- Jane.
I should never have bought her a Wii Fit.
She said she wanted to lose a bit of
weight. I was just trying to help.
I loved her the way she was.
You bought her a Wii Fit?
So I came here to find her,
to apologise, to try and win her back.
But I had no idea how big Australia was.
I knew it was an island, so I thought,
"it can't be that big.
"I'll probably just bump into her down
the shops." But it's fucking massive!
And now she's gone forever
and my life is pointless again.
Sorry... you bought her a Wii Fit?
My dad was right,
he should have just whipped it out
and splurged on my mum's arse
rather than waste it making me.
I still love her, but I'll never find her.
Si could always ask Lucy where she is.
Shit, yeah, Lucy'll probably know.
- Really?
- Actually, yeah.
She'll definitely know.
She sent her a wedding invitation.
Let's go. I'll Skype her now.
- Shotgun.
- Don't worry, mate. We'll find her.
- Thanks for this, Si.
- No problem. You would do the same for me.
- We wouldn't, your bird's a fucking nightmare.
- Fair enough.
So far, my travelling experience
wasn't going entirely to plan.
I'd assumed that I'd get shitfaced
at some point - but not literally.
Right, you lot go and pack up our stuff.
I'll Skype Lucy.
Will!
Will!
Will!
Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my friends.
It's Neil's fault. He's got this thing...
It was fucking hysterical!
Closing down Splash Planet?
I mean, everyone is talking about
what an absolute legend you are.
- I'm a legend?
- I mean, it looked horrific.
- You were covered in shit, yeah?
- Yeah.
But at the same time, it was literally the
funniest thing I've seen. We all loved it!
If it made you laugh, maybe
it was worth getting conjunctivitis.
You're mental!
So what do you wanna do later, then?
Drink? Bite to eat?
Sea kayaking, zip lining, bungee?
- Will, come on. You've gotta pack.
- I am talking, Simon.
- Sorry about that.
- Pack? What? You can't leave!
The gang'll be gutted.
No, you're not actually leaving, are you'?
- Yes.
- Well, nothing's finalised.
But it's the songline ceremony tonight.
Look, it's perfect for you, Will.
It's incredibly spiritual.
We're going to the outback.
Will should be packing up now.
OK, well, if you're busy,
I'll leave you to it.
No, Katie, I'm not busy.
I apologise for my friend. He's very rude.
Now, tell me about sea kayaking.
It's amazing. They've got these
kayaks, right, that go in the sea.
- No way!
- It's absolutely unbelievable.
Simon, this was not an
agreed time for Skype.
Lucy, listen,
do you know where Jane is staying?
Of course I do. Simon, we need
to talk about photographers.
You'll have to take out
another student loan.
Christ. Really?
Right, fine, whatever.
Can you just get me her address?
- And I've asked Pete to be your best man.
- Aren't I meant to decide that?
Ail your friends are massive
dicks, except Pete.
It's Pete or no-one.
Great, fine. It's Pete.
Now, I need that address.
- Pete's been amazing.
- Yeah, Pete's amazing. Please, Lucy.
Thanks, mate. I am amazing. G'day.
- Pete.
- Surprise.
How are things down under?
And I don't mean your horrible balls.
- Ha-ha. You've got horrible balls.
- You actually have, though.
- Banter.
- So, go on. How is it, then?
Not been eaten by a shark yet, worse luck?
Thank you. Yeah, some best man you are!
I'm the best of the best, mate. You know
it. I should be called the brilliant man.
Yeah! Listen, mate, we're
in a bit of a rush.
OK.
So she's staying at
Bewley Stud Farm near Birdsvilie.
I don't have the exact address because
they pick up the post from the town hotel.
- So what's the house number?
- I told you, I don't have it.
It's a massive farm, you div.
You'll find it.
- Yeah, you div.
- Of course.
Over and out, Captain Kirk.
- Did you get it?
- Yeah.
She's at a stud farm near Birdsville.
That's me fucked. If she's at a stud farm,
then she'll have her pick.
I've got no chance. I've lost her!
Um, a stud farm's where they breed horses.
Yes, I know.
I'm just saying, she really likes horses.
You won't need a life vest
in the car, Will. It's dry.
- Get that off. We're leaving.
- I'm staying here.
- Don't be a dick. Just get in the car.
- No. I'm staying for a bit.
Then I'll do some real travelling
with people who do it properly.
Those tools in there?
They think you're a twat.
And I've met someone I like who likes me.
Will, be careful. Jay told me muff before
mates is actually a crime in Australia.
You think you're my mates?
You don't do any of the things I like,
you don't talk about things I like
and you shit on my face.
- Why would I come with you?
- I only shit on your face once.
I'm not sure how much clearer I
can make it. I'm not coming.
Fine. Fuck you.
We'll go to Birdsville without you.
You're being stupid.
You got dumped, just like I got dumped,
just like Simon will probably get dumped...
Sorry, I mean divorced.
Get over it and be realistic.
Chasing a girl round Australia isn't
romantic, it's extreme stalking.
That's exactly what you're doing to Katie.
- Grow up, Simon.
- You grow up.
I am grown up. You should grow up.
- Really? Grow up.
- I am. You're not. So grow up.
That's grown up. Grow up!
- Yeah, you should.
- We'll see who's grown up, won't we?
- Grow up.
- Grow up!
- Grow up!
- Grow... up!
Grow up.
I feel a bit sad. Can I drive?
- Yeah, sure.
- And can I be best man?
No, it's fucking Pete.
Rattlesnake Highway
Here's your fucking bag!
Grow up!
Off they went, the idiots.
Good riddance to them.
I was gonna have an authentic
experience sea kayaking.
And at least if I drowned,
and it looked like I might drown,
people could say,
"He died doing what he did best:
Making a twat of himself
in front of a girl."
Fuck! Fuck!
Aa-aargh!
Aaagh!
Whoaagh! Waagh!
A-wob a-bob bob?
- What?
- I said, what time is it now'?
No, you fucking didn't.
You said, "A-wob a-bob bob."
- Are you sure you're OK to drive?
- Yeah, fine.
Although I think I might cry again.
- Is it far now?
- No, it's only about...
400 miles. You can make
that, can't you, Neil?
Course. Got a system.
Maybe we should stop for a bit.
Now we have cleansed the area
with sound, we can begin.
We are sitting on songlines,
the ancient lines of power
that cross Australia.
Can you feel the connection?
- Yeah.
- It's amazing.
We carry a great responsibility.
What we say here before the fire,
we transmit out, on the songlines,
to the rest of the planet.
Let's help heal the world by throwing
all the world's negativities onto the fire.
Each think of a negativity and burn it.
What's your negativity?
- Narrow-mindedness.
- Good.
Stephen?
God, where to start?
I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but...
present in this moment,
away from the past, away from
a military father who I love so much
but Daddy wasn't around,
and away from a distant mother.
But I'm here now,
in the now, not there.
Just wondering how to tell Mummy
what hugs mean.
She asked what negativity
you want to throw on the fire.
Right. Yeah, cool.
- Conformity.
- Excellent.
- Really good.
- What's your negativity, brother'?
Erm...
- Come on.
- Erm...
- negativity.
- Yes. Which one?
Just negativity.
Remember, we can help heal the whole world.
- Pass.
- Pass?
Maybe you should just
tell me the right answer.
There's no right answer.
Clearly there is, though.
Raw Pot Noodle, anyone?
Not bad, but a bit crunchy.
I reckon I'll probably propose
to Jane when I see her.
What about the Thai bird
you told me you were seeing?
The black belt at firing
Ping-Pong balls out of her fanny.
Her?
Yeah, no, she had to go back to Vietnam.
- Thailand.
- Thailand.
Yeah, no, Jane's the one.
I'll be married, and you'll be married, Si.
- Yeah.
- So we can go on double dates and stuff.
Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really. Maybe
being married to her will be all right.
- It will be.
- Gotta be easier than breaking up with her.
She's microwaved my PlayStation.
- Della?
- Um...
- Racism.
- I hate that.
Ben?
- Negative thoughts.
- Good.
How is that different to "negativity"?
Will, please, just respect the songlines.
- Kristian.
- Racial hatred.
Yeah, already had that one, Kris.
- What?
- We've had that.
Think of another one.
So you think racial hatred is a good thing?
You know I'm not saying that, Ben.
She said, "Racism."
He said, "Racial hatred." Pick another.
Will, there's no right or wrong answers.
Yes, there is. You know there is.
Let it all flow out. We'll support you.
- There's no judgment here.
- So you keep saying.
In that case, I'd like to throw the poor
and disadvantaged onto the fire,
and the handicapped,
the homeless, and babies.
Yes, spazzy little African babies
riddled with malaria and AIDS.
There they go, onto the fire.
Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle.
- How's that?
- That is wrong.
Yep, thought it might be.
Excuse me.
I throw anger onto the fire.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Stephen?
- Infidelity.
Will you just fucking let it go?
Will, are you OK?
Yeah.
- Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin it.
- No, you didn't.
No, we still had an amazing connection.
Good. That's good.
Listen, whatever your energy is
when you interact over fire stones,
that's your song, and your song is humour.
- Thank you.
- And also anger.
You have a large, quite
deep anger song in you.
Frustration, maybe.
And sometimes it's hard to hear the humour
song with the anger song singing so very loud.
You do like me, don't you, Katie?
Of course I do.
Sorry, Ben, this is a private party.
OK.
See you later.
Are you OK?
- That was horrible.
- What was?
Him just kissing you like that.
Do you want me to call somebody?
- He shouldn't get away with that.
- I know.
He can be such a tease.
- Tease?
- He knows that drives me crazy.
Crazy angry, right?
And tingly.
Bad tingly, like really
severe pins and needles?
God, no. Nice.
It's scary. I don't know how he does it.
What is happening here?
We've been having
this on/off thing for ages,
and he drives me mental
when we fight, but, in the end,
the animal urge, it's
just too much to ignore.
- You said he was a dick.
- Will, I wish you'd get to know him.
He is such a spiritual guy.
So you're with him, even
though you kissed me?
Will, I like you. I kissed you.
But I kiss a lot of people,
especially when I'm drunk.
What Ben and I have,
it's a deep lust for each other.
- It's spiritual.
- Right, that's the last time.
Even the dictionary
definition of spiritual,
which I looked up, suggests
it's about the soul,
another vague
and probably non-existent concept.
I don't think you get it. But that's cool.
No, no, I get it all right,
you patronising cow.
It's you twats that don't get it.
That's right, I called you twats.
Chill, Will.
Playing the guitar badly,
wearing beads, talking about one love,
pretending you're friends with Central American
villagers, who, by the way, despise you,
before heading to your parents'
five-bedroom house in Surrey,
doesn't make you a spiritual person,
it makes you a bellend.
I think you're right about his song, Katie.
Fuck off, Ben! You don't believe
in songlines any more than I do.
It's just a way
to seem interesting to girls
because deep down,
you're boring and pretentious,
like your stupid fucking dreadlocks,
which, by the way, always look
embarrassing on white people.
They're not countercultural.
They scream, "I've got a trust fund."
So get a normal haircut,
you unbearable prick. Goodbye.
I may have won the battle,
but I'd lost the war.
By now, my real friends
were hundreds of miles away,
but my fake friends
were a little too close to home.
- I don't lose.
- Ben.
I don't lose. I don't lose.
- I... don't... lose!
- Ben!
Riptide
and they come unstuck
Lady, running down to the riptide
Taken away to the dark side...
One ticket to Birdsville.
So thafll be $350.
- Have you flown this route before?
- No.
OK. You'll want these, then.
There's some sick bags,
because you are gonna be sick.
Fuck!
My Go-o-o-d!
- Get out, you pommy mongrels.
- See you later. They were nice.
Apart from when they tried to fight us.
It's the next property,
just down the Birdsville Track.
Yeah, not far now, mate.
- Wait! Wait!
- What the fuck is that?
Guys! Wait!
I think it's a prick.
I had to get here.
I'm just so lost at the
moment with uni and...
I know I've made some bad decisions
but I'm finding it hard to know who I am.
- Don't worry about that. Leave that.
- We'd better get going.
Listen, please.
I don't have many friends
and I thought those people...
Nudgies.
Get in.
Ooh, you're hard.
Holy Hell
Mandatory
We can get in the car,
we can give it a spin
Make a break from the crowd,
see how close we can get
Next farm! Next farm! Next farm!
Next farm! Next farm!
Next farm! Next farm...
Did they say exactly how
far the next farm is?
Shit. We're on the white
bit of the petrol meter.
Don't worry about that, that's a con, by car
makers and oil people, to get you to buy more.
I went to Portugal and
back on the white bit.
- I don't know. It looks quite low.
- Please, let's just keep going.
There's bound to be a petrol
station round here somewhere.
Shit.
Don't worry. I'll just coast
it for a couple of miles.
- It's very hot in here.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I had the heating on.
What now?
Wait for someone to pass by to help?
Bollocks. Just phone the AA
and they'll come pick us up.
How's the reception on your phone?
- Fuck!
- Exactly.
We should get out of the car, though.
It's an oven.
It's not that much cooler
out of the car, to be fair.
All right, we're in a bit of a spot here.
We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.
How much water have we got?
None.
OK. Bad start.
We'll be fine. There'll probably be
a wise old Aboriginal along any minute.
Think. In the two hours since we left
Birdsville, how many cars have we seen?
Ooh. None.
None is correct.
Now, how many wise old Aboriginals?
- None.
- None.
Fucking none. We aren't
in England any more.
We're somewhere genuinely dangerous.
Don't shit your pants. I know Australia.
- Someone will be along in a minute.
- But what if they aren't?
- They will be.
- Anyone want a drink?
- Have you got water?
- No, just wondered.
- I'm really thirsty.
- We need a survival plan.
No, I doubt it.
In the desert without
water, we'll die in a day.
- I think we're going to be fine.
- How, Simon?
Tell me how we're gonna be fine.
- People will be looking for us.
- Who?
Who even knows we're missing, or cares?
Your dad'?
Jay's uncle?
Your mum, if she wasn't
getting fucked by a stranger.
It's nasty, but it's probably true.
- We could drink our piss.
- What?
It's all right. I do it occasionally.
I ate a bit of my spunk once too.
You're grim, mate.
I need a piss and it seems
a shame to waste it.
UP 'IO you.
Neil, do you have to do that here?
If you can't see it coming out the end,
it's not rude.
Wait a minute.
There's probably water in the windscreen
washer pot. We could share that out.
Perfect. This should keep us going.
Uncle Jay sorts it again.
- It was soap.
- Obviously.
Seriously, we do need a plan.
I saw that film where the bloke
got stuck in the desert but lived.
- What did he do?
- Cut his arm off with a penknife.
Right. Any other ideas?
I watched every episode
of Bear Grylls' Man Vs. Wild.
OK. Now we're getting somewhere.
What would Bear suggest
we do in this situation, Neil?
OK, when we get a salmon, just bite
into the middle, even though it's raw.
There isn't any water. Where do we
get a salmon, you fucking idiot?
Shop.
Neil's got a point.
Split up and search for water sources.
- And a salmon.
- Yes.
Thanks very much, Dad. Thanks for
not teaching me how to find water,
the only thing I would need
to know in my entire fucking life.
"Go and do a sociology degree.
That'll be fucking helpful."
Roll The Bones
Well, so it goes, yeah, so it goes
Si, quick! Look!
That sweet heirloom, them abbey stones
Yeah, let's take a chance
and roll the bones
OK, learn from your mistakes.
Wandering around failing to find water
just uses up calories. We've learnt that.
I can't believe we didn't
bring any sun cream.
Not even, like, factor eight.
Even some shitty factor eight
would make the situation better.
God, I'd love some factor eight right now.
My gosh. A lake!
A fucking lake! We're saved.
But I can't believe we never spotted that.
- It's a mirage, Neil.
- Is that Australian for lake?
It means cos you're hot,
you're seeing things.
- What if it is a lake?
- You're seeing things. It's an illusion.
If I was seeing things,
I'd be seeing cool things,
like Optimus Prime banging Katy Perry,
or Jay the size of a house but all
his fingers are Cadbury's Flakes.
- I want water more than anything.
- I'll get us water, Si. Don't worry.
This is it. We're saved.
Thank you, Bear Grylls!
No-o-o-o!
- I told him so.
- I know you did.
- Can we start panicking now?
- Yeah.
No-o-o-o!
I bet they use a shit picture.
What?
When they report us being dead,
I bet they use a picture
where my hair looks shit.
They'll have plenty to choose from.
And I'll be described as engaged,
for fuck's sake.
I bet Lucy'll love that.
She'll milk the attention, the cow.
- I don't think you'll be that bothered.
- I will.
I don't think you will be.
Cos, crucially, you'll be dead.
Stone fucking dead, just like we all will.
God. I don't wanna die.
For fuck's sake, I'm too dehydrated to cry.
I wish my mum was here.
- Does she deliver water?
- She does when I'm nearby.
From her fanny.
I'm so fucking thirsty.
Do you wanna try the spunk thing?
It's a bit like a salty smoothie.
I can't think of anything
I wanna do less right now than wank.
Jesus, things are even more serious
than I thought.
Neil, if you can piss
again now, I'll drink it.
You should really only drink your own, Si.
I'm so dehydrated, I can't piss.
Neil, please, help.
I'm dying.
Course, mate.
Sorry, Si. I've got no more piss.
That's all right, mate. Thanks for trying.
I was trying, Si, I really was.
It's just...
And there was that bit.
I'm hot, then cold, then hot.
- Then really cold.
- And you stink of piss.
I really didn't think
dying would be like this.
It's knackering to get wound up about it.
Just let it happen, I reckon.
No. Please fight it, Jay.
There's something I need to say.
What?
- Sorry.
- Mate.
I am. I'm sorry.
Just...
"30" '!-
It don't matter.
There's something
I always meant to ask you guys, too.
What is it, mate?
How long after a poo can you have sex?
Please don't make this my last thought.
I never found out, and...
Now I'll never know.
I can't see very well.
I think it's just the brightness.
Close your eyes.
- But you said...
- I know.
Here.
Neil.
- For bants.
- Yeah, for bants.
That's better.
Die, then?
Sorry, Dad.
Sorry, Jane.
It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?
I've always liked sleep.
Yeah, it'll be OK, Neil.
All right, then.
Cheers.
Is this proper travelling?
Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
- Shall we?
- Yeah, I suppose.
Jesus Christ.
- Are you a mirage?
- I don't know.
Would a mirage call you a stupid cunt?
We're saved! We're saved!
We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!
Fuck me, you poms love a drama!
You've only been out here two hours.
We're alive!
Jane! Jane!
- Jane.
- Jay, my God. Look at you!
I love you. Will you marry me?
I'm sorry about the Wii Fit.
No, Jay.
- Is your lip all right?
- Yeah.
Jay, did you really come all this way
out here just to find me?
Yeah.
But...
not because I miss you,
but because I've got an STD,
and the doctor said I have to
tell all my former lovers,
and you're the last, number 6,004.
So, that's that dealt with. Good.
6,004?
Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies.
Everything's been rubbish since you left.
I work in a toilet and I live in a tent.
Come here.
So, do you wanna get back together?
No. No, that's definitely not happening.
- Hashtag dumped again.
- Come on, let's get you home.
Last time I saw something that soppy,
I was pulling my cock out of it.
- Let's head back to the farm.
- I'm not sure we're in a state to travel.
We need serious medical attention.
What you need is some fucking after sun
and a beer.
Now, take your clothes
off and get in the ute.
Shit. Mum was right.
It's the best thing for the sunstroke.
You need the heat to
leave your body quickly.
Right, fine. Of course.
Plus, it makes you easier to rape.
We couldn't wait to leave the outback,
although some things
would stay with us forever...
mainly the sight of Neil's meaty penis.
Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the car
and then we headed back to civilisation...
if you can call Uncle
Bryan's house civilised.
Neil pissed all over my head,
but I didn't manage to drink any,
then we gave up.
But the stud farm sent
people to look for us,
and we were on the news -
they called us pommy morons.
Everyone has flown over,
they were worried.
But everything's changed, Luce.
I am so lucky to be alive.
And this world
is just the most beautiful thing.
You are so great
and I can't wait to get married.
I love you, Lucy.
I've been sleeping with Pete.
Sorry?
Me and your best man Pete
have been having sex.
Good sex.
Is this role playing again,
like when I said I'd bummed Will?
You're such a dopey prick.
I still can't believe
you come out of me nut sacks.
Your nut sacks?
I can't believe we're the same species.
Look at him, weedy and retarded.
He's like one of them X-Men freaks,
Doctor Lawn Fucker or something.
My God, my petal, my darling!
- I missed you so much.
- I was lost in the desert too.
I don't really want to be friends,
but Pete said it'd be better if we were.
Wait a minute.
- You're breaking up with me?
- Yes.
So I'm single and now Pete
has to go out with you?
Yes, Simon!
Ye-e-e-s!
Fucking brilliant!
- Hello, Mrs McKenzie.
- Hello, Simon.
Your parents asked me
to check if you're OK.
Me? Fucking brilliant.
Absolutely fucking brilliant.
Sorry, sir. Sorry. I didn't mean to swear.
Mr Gilbert? What are you doing here?
You have no jurisdiction.
Phil's just... helping me out
with a couple of things.
I don't follow. "Phil"?
Do I need to spell it
out for you, McKenzie?
OK.
Well, when a man loves a lady very much,
blood rushes to the genital area,
enlarging significantly the penis.
- Or, in this case, my penis.
- I mean, we wanted to tell you in person,
then you getting lost was the perfect
excuse to come and see you.
Then we thought,
"Let's make it into a holiday."
Have you got any recommendations?
We've booked a Barrier Reef tour.
Yes. I'm very much looking forward
to going diving.
OK, so here's some bad news.
It turns out we did die in the desert,
because I appear to be in hell.
Jesus Christ, mate, don't get me wrong,
I'm glad you stopped fucking me garden,
but what was you thinking
going all that way for a fat chick?
- What did you just say?
- About the spunk hole?
- No, after that.
- About you chasing the fat chick?
You're lucky Fatty Boom Boom
didn't eat you out there in the desert.
Them fat chicks get so fucking hungry...
Yeah, no, yeah, good.
I mean, good for trying.
Weak as fuck, obviously, more like a slap.
You taught him how to punch like a girl,
I presume?
- Watch it, Bryan.
- Least your boy's got some spunk.
But it's mainly round
his mouth and arsehole.
- I said watch it.
- Or what? You'll slap me too?
- You...
- Here we go.
Get in there! Get in there, you ugly fuck!
I'll give it to you.
Then I'll fucking give it to you again.
Shall we go? It's getting
a bit like my cousin's wedding.
- Yeah.
- In your fucking dreams.
I was thinking about
not going back to England for a bit.
Do some more travelling.
Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it?
I'm in. I've still got some shit
to sort out for the CIA there.
- Neil?
- I'd like to go travelling.
Go far enough, we might find your mum.
- Fuck off.
- Sorry, Neil.
My Ping-Pong fanny girl's got a mate,
I could set you two up.
- Nice one.
- Shake on it?
- Cheers, mate.
- He's a ladyboy.
- Fuck!
- Too late. You shook on it. Bad luck.
- Bants?
- No, you've gotta fuck a man with tits.
- Or a girl with a penis.
- Will, help me out.
Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.
I suppose I'd better just
stick to the top half.
New Sensation
Live, baby, live
Now that the day is over
I got a new sensation
In perfect moments
But so impossible to refuse
Sleep, baby, sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises
Kombucha!
Got a hold on you
A new sensation, a new sensation
It's gonna take you over
A new sensation, a new sensation
Dream, baby, dream
Of all that's come and going
And you will find out in the end
There really is
There really is no difference
r Cry, baby, cry.
When you got to get it out...
What the fuck?
All right? OK. Ease off.
I guess that's gonna be a problem?
- Fuck off! Fuck off!
- Simon.
- We love it.
- Fuck off.
What's up with him?
Are you ready for a new sensation?
Right now
It's gonna take you over
Dad, this is Nikki. Nikki, this is Dad.
Hi.
A new sensation
A new sensation
A new sensation
Right now
It's got a hold on you
A new sensation
A new sensation
A new sensation
Yeah
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
A new sensation