(PHONE RINGING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
MAN: Hello?
Tracey, its Bradley.
Bradley,
where the hell are you guys?
I am freaking out!
BRADLEY: Listen.
We fucked up.
What are you talking about?
Me and Doug are
about to get married
and I havent heard
from him in two days.
Things got
a little out of control
last night and we...
We lost Doug.
The wedding is in a few hours!
In Santa Barbara?
Yeah!
Thats not gonna happen.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Look, I know everyones
a little miffed
we couldnt do
Vegas this year,
but lm telling you,
Chief Loose Slots is
the next best thing.
I dont care
where we have my
bachelor party, guys.
All that matters
is that were
celebrating together.
And that we dont have AIDS.
Anyway, I bet
once you get inside,
its not so bad.
(BEEPS)
All right!
Hey, its cute.
I am honestly impressed
by how shitty this is.
You dont even
need a blacklight
to see all the stains.
Maybe thats yogurt.
Nah, it says right
here in the pamphlet,
it is semen.
Look, semen
or no semen,
the important thing
is that Doug
found his soulmate.
DOUG: Thanks, man.
Tracey just completes in me,
you know?
Did you say,
Completes in you?
(GROANS)
You know,
that reminds
of the love shared
between Peeta
and Katniss in The...
lm gonna need you
to stop talking
about that book.
No, I will not stop
talking about a novel
that
blogcritics. Orglreviews said
was a page-turner.
Have you even read it?
Ld love to, man.
Its just hard
to find time
to enrol in 7th grade
and cut off my nuts.
Well then, maybe lll
find it hard to find time
to share my goodies.
Oh, nice.
What do you got in there?
Lve got all kinds
of fun stuff.
I have
Chernobyl potato vodka,
standard-issue roofies,
lve got Chinese
black tar heroin,
lve got drug mule
rectum-release opium,
and some plug-in
air fresheners.
How did that get in here?
All right.
You got any bath salts?
Tons.
Help yourself.
Lve also got skunk,
scoot, snap, flippers,
flappers, floppers,
uppers, downers,
and cyanide chewables.
Cyanide?
Poison is the best.
Hey! Those are my
fun-time candies!
No. Uh-uh.
Every time we go out,
we end up blacked out
and looking for somebody.
Vegas. Thailand.
My nephew Rubens Bar Mitzvah.
Whatever, we got him back
in time for the service.
Yeah, and then he puked
all over the Torah.
(CHUCKLES)
Classic.
No, not classic.
That is a holy document.
(GROANS)
All right,
lets just get Zach dressed
and head to the roof.
Dressed?
Small request, you guys.
Could somebody
scratch my nuts?
I respectfully decline.
Non-alcoholic beer?
I told you.
No risks tonight.
Pussy!
Excuse me,
I was calling you a pussy.
All right.
Lets put our shitty
rehab beers up
and toast Doug and Tracey.
I never thought your
soulmate would have
an Adams apple and a penis,
but, hey,
lifes a journey, I guess.
Were happy for you, man.
Thanks, guys.
To Doug and Tracey.
BOTH: To Doug and Tracey.
And
to a night
well never forget.
Those look really good.
Could you just
pour it in my cone?
(GROANS)
What the fuck?
Oh, God.
(GROANING)
What?
Scuba guy on the ceiling.
That makes sense.
Watch out!
Jesus!
You stepped on my balls, dude.
Sorry.
Where the hell are we?
Fuck if I know.
All I know is
I am hungover as
shit right now.
I think lm legally dead.
And my mouth tastes assy.
Please tell me I ate cheese.
I dont know.
My ass kind of hurts.
Oh, no!
Did I do cocaine?
Lm deathly
allergic to cocaine.
And lm allergic to gluten.
ED: I hope
thats gluten-free.
Oh, no.
Did we kill Waldo
last night?
Um...
Maybe he was fucked to death.
(GAGGING)
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Morning, fellas!
Oh, god damn it,
who let Zach out
of the straitjacket?
Is that a man-thong?
No, its a regular thong.
I wear them all the time.
Thats disgusting.
(GAGGING)
Okay, we need to find Doug
and get the hell out of here.
Somebody call him.
Wheres my phone?
Oh, holy shit.
Is this a rocket launcher?
BRADLEY: Zach?
Dude!
Come on,
we have to find Doug.
But that was...
Oh, my. Gentlemen,
this is quite a mess.
Okay, this is awkward,
but lm just gonna
go ahead and ask,
maid or hooker?
Manners!
That is no way to speak
to your escort.
I always ask.
The answers always the same.
Its been real nice
talking to you,
but were just gonna go.
I wouldnt do that.
Okay.
(SCREAMING)
Were on a fucking train?
I knew it!
That means
youre Effie Trinket!
No, my name is Effing.
And the three of you
are on your way to the Games.
We discussed this
all after your
courageous gesture.
EFFING: Why dont you
look at your phone?
(CHATTER ON VIDEO)
Fucking Reaping,
bitches!
ED: Oh, thats my phone.
Let me see it.
Dougs trying
to kiss me again!
Doug, how you doing, buddy?
Fucking Reaping,
bitches!
(ALL WHOOPING)
The first name
ofthe girl...
Why is Lady Gaga
on the screen?
And a happy Games goes to...
Change the channel!
... young Boo!
(BOOING)
And now for the boys.
I volunteer!
We volunteer for
the Hungover Games!
EFFING:
What a wonderful development!
Three ofour brave volunteers
to add to the race.
May the chances be
ever in your corner.
Attica! Attica!
Okay, okay.
Hey!
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
Okay.
Will you keep it down?
I can hardly
hear myself drink.
Haymitch!
Thats not my name,
you scruffy half-tard.
Its Justmitch.
Look,
lm enjoying all of this.
I really am.
Especially that
little blonde schoolgirl
situation youve got
going on right there.
But right now we
really just need to
find our friend
and be on our way.
The Sponsors will eat
that bromance shit up
with a spoon.
Speaking of which.
Okay, let me guess,
now youre gonna tell us
how to win the Games?
If you wanna live long enough
to find your
pansy little friend,
youd best learn
to listen to me.
If theres two things
I know, its hangovers
and murdering for sport.
And, hey,
if youre lucky enough,
one of yall might
get out of here alive.
Did you just say
one of us?
Mm-hmm.
Now if youll excuse me,
I gotta find a vein.
WOMAN ON TV: You're watching
Capitol Sports.
Skip, its my favourite time
of the year.
The weather is warming,
the tig ol bitties
is coming out
and right now,
its time for
the Hungover Games!
A great competition
shaping up this year.
Contestants from
the Superheroes District
and the Middle Earth District
are once again
among the favourites.
The Puppet District
and the Depp District
are particularly intriguing to
Stephen A. Timplesmith.
Johnny Depp.
Is there any weirdo
this guy wont play?
Straight freak!
Next up, we have
The Real Housewives
ofDistrict 8.
Now these trashy bitches
have about a 0% chance
of surviving the Games.
White girls!
Got me one at home.
Next up, weve got
the Django District.
Now Django is tough,
but lets get
this straight, Skip.
He will never be LeBron.
Now, on the Django team
we have famed
plantation owner,
Calvin Dandy.
Ironically,
hes a good friend of mine.
All right, next up
we have the Gratuitous
Nudity District.
Dizzamn!
Everybody knows
you cannot make
entertainment like this
without some inexplicable,
unwarranted nudity.
And finally our field
is rounded out
by our outlying districts.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
District 9, Avatar.
District 10, Horror.
District 11,
Katnip Everlean.
District 12,
The Hungover Guys.
Hey!
That looks like us
and Doug!
Look, weve got about
48 hours to find him
and get him back
to that wedding.
Okay.
I guess its time for us
to kill some motherfuckers.
(GIGGLES)
WOMAN: All right, I need
three to run this drill.
Lets go!
I have the power!
Come on, cunt.
Oh, foo.
Another year,
another murder.
What a crop
of freakazoids.
(GRUNTING)
Stop swinging that
in my face.
That is dangerous.
That is not a toy!
Zach, will you stop?
Youre making us
look like idiots.
No, Mr I Cant Even
Pick Up This Boulder.
(YELLING)
Youre making us look bad
in front of the Sponsors.
Why are they all
dressed like that?
Looks like a Lady Gaga
family reunion.
Look, you see that?
Our odds are
pretty shitty right now.
ED: Hey, why do the puppets
have better odds than us?
Go ahead and cross
check your information.
Excuse me.
Sorry, I hate to bother you
with this,
but my friend is stuck.
World War Z, right?
No. Walking Dead, actually.
Oh, right, right.
You were the one that bit
that guys ear and then
ate his face off, right?
Guilty.
So who else came
from your district?
Just that crazy
blood-covered
bitch over there.
She scares
the shit out of me.
I can see why.
Wow. Kaptain Kazakhstan
is really rocking
that burlap sack.
Look at the size of
those Oompa Loompas.
Youre welcome.
Thats quite
a bit of shrubbery
he has down there.
Can you say,
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Listen.
Theyre looking at you
like youre a meal.
Especially that flamboyant
Scandinavian guy.
Ew.
He wants to
roll you in sugar
like a dick churro.
So what am I supposed to do?
They need to know
that you can take a punch.
What?
Yeah. Trust me.
Okay.
(GROANING)
(GIGGLING)
Okay, lm good.
All right, lm good.
The elbow didnt count.
Come on, come on.
Now, just remember,
this hurts you
more than it hurts me.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING)
Why, dude? Why?
I dont know.
I forgot why
were even doing this.
(ED GROANING)
Lm pooped.
I want a vitamin water
or something.
Not bad.
That means I need
a vitamin water!
Okay, okay, lll get it!
Lll get
a vitamin water for you!
Not again.
(GRUNTING)
My right nut is numb.
I can take a hit, Zach.
I can give one, too.
You ready
for the thunder?
Well,
heres the lightning!
Oh, son of a hooker,
that hurt!
Hey, watch it!
Sorry, I didnt see anything,
I swear to God!
My elbow may have grazed...
Ed.
Hey...
Okay.
Uh...
How are you?
Hey...
Hi.
...you.
Oh.
You dont remember me.
Its Katnip.
Katnip Everlean.
Lm sorry. Its just
that last night, we...
You were wasted.
Yeah.
You guys bought us drinks
after the Reaping.
You said you were
going district-hopping,
and you up and left.
Jeez! You guys clearly have
a drinking problem!
Um, is that
a talking bird?
Lm a talking jay,
you birdbrain.
For a nerd,
youre pretty dumb.
Sorry. Hes really nice
once you get to know him.
Yeah, just ask your mom.
Thats rude.
Go away.
How are you feeling,
by the way?
Well, besides the
raging hangover,
the free-for-all
death match coming up,
and the shit taste
I cant get
out of my mouth,
lm actually doing great.
Hey, look,
its Dumb and Dumberer.
A talking jay.
So elegant.
Hey, get your mitts off me!
Whered you go to school,
Penn State?
Wow, okay, yeah.
Lm not even gonna
try to process
that right now.
Excuse me?
Lts Katnip, Bradley.
We met last night.
Yeah, Bradley.
Yeah, right, okay.
About last night,
do you have any
idea what happened
to our friend, Doug?
Uh...
(LAUGHING)
No. But I did wake up today
and I saw you all volunteered.
That was really brave of you.
That is one word for it.
No, seriously.
You guys were
talking about it so much
you inspired me to do it.
Thats why I took my
little sisters place.
That was stupid.
Sorry.
You have a little sister?
Is she into husky bearded guys
with low-level
personality disorders?
(YELLING)
Nice!
I like this girl.
That got more hand
than apple.
(BUZZER RINGS)
Attention,
battlers, battlers, battlers.
The training centre
is now closed.
It is time to die.
Make that work.
Thats my catchphrase,
you know.
Make that work.
WOMAN: Hello?
A little help here?
AUTOMATED VOICE:
20, 19, 18,
17,
16,
15,
14...
Doug! Dougie!
Doug man!
Doug? Doug?
Doug!
Doug? Where are you, man?
Where the fuck is he?
Doug?
Doug?
Was that him?
Hey, sweetheart.
Looking for a white guy,
yea high, generic, unfunny,
really forgettable.
Was that him right now?
Come on,
talk to me.
Shes a goddamn
mute or something.
Man, fuck you, white boy.
What are you guys
doing here?
You need to get to
your tube room immediately.
Okay, you dont
have to manhandle me!
Oh, my tea!
You just got bubble tea
all over my control panel.
Get him out of here!
16,
15,
14,
13,
(LIFT CLANGS)
12...
Jeez, guys.
Portion control much?
9,
8,
7,
6,
5,
4,
3,
2,
1.
No, no, no!
Dont step off the platform,
well explode!
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
MAN OVER PA: Now the
contestants line up
before the Pornucopia,
no doubt picking
out the weapons
they wanna grab.
Doug, Doug, come on, man.
Where are you?
He must be on the other side
of that tent full of...
What are those?
Sex weapons?
ED: Where the fuck are we?
MAN: This is
a great time to mention
that the weaponry
has been provided by
Delta Venus,
Queen ofthe Sex Toys.
(DRUMS POUNDING)
Let the killing begin!
Shit, come on!
Maybe we can find him
before he gets slaughtered.
I got this.
Yeah.
Fuck! My hammie!
I shouldve stretched!
Oh,
I shouldve stretched first!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
Holy cow. White wine!
I hate white wine!
Okay, barrel roll!
BRADLEY: Shit, really?
Are you all right?
At least tell me
that looked awesome.
Yeah. Sure.
Oh, its a red man.
High five?
No? How about this?
You like?
Put penis away, kemosabe.
(ALL CHEERING)
Is that labia?
That is a bear!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait!
No, no, no!
Doug must have
come up right here!
Where is he?
Fuck!
Whoa!
Come on, man.
Come back here!
Fuck! And wheres Zach?
Well, hey there, boy.
Ow!
Goddamn women!
Dont mind if I do.
Now, now,
dont do nothing
foolish there, N-word.
I like the way you die, boy.
(SCREAMING)
Django's free!
Take that, black!
Dude!
You like baseball,
Jackie Robinson?
Oh!
TEDDY: Shit!
Oh, thats cruel!
Hey, you thirsty?
Heres some tea!
Teabag!
Oh, thats nasty.
Thats real gross.
Bag, bag, bag!
Please stop.
Just please stop.
Wait,
you want some fucking lemon?
Yeah, bag it up!
Come on!
Jesus!
I know that looked bad,
but, come on,
lets keep in mind
that the purpose
of this competition
is to kill people, yeah.
So that was
technically
not a hate crime.
Lm not a racist.
I got like eight black guys
on my fantasy football team.
I mean,
not the quarterback
obviously,
thats a thinking mans
position.
Seriously?
(SHUDDERS)
Oh, no, not this!
Fuck this! Go!
Whatever.
(ALL GROAN)
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I just watched
Django get kerb-stomped
by a teddy bear,
two of our friends are MIA,
and, oh, did I mention,
did I mention this,
that my mouth
still tastes like shit!
All right, dude,
quit being a baby.
My ass still hurts, too.
You dont hear me
whining about it.
It just wont go away.
BOTH: Oh!
Whats happening, honkies?
What the hell?
That Asian guy!
Really?
What?
Oriental man cannot practise
acrobatics in the woods?
You racist assholes
think lm Viet Cong
or something?
Wait, why the fuck
are you here?
We had a sick night
last night.
I still hungover.
Just tell us what
the fuck happened, okay?
You mean you dont remember?
No.
Human Centipede, bitches!
Whats a Human Centipede?
Human Centipede only
the greatest idea ever.
You sew a chain of people
from asshole to mouth hole.
You share the same
digestive system.
Check it out.
We shit brothers!
Oh!
I was the middle.
No!
What the fuck? Fuck!
Why would we do
that fucking...
Thats disgusting!
You have really potty mouth.
You get it?
Potty mouth!
Because your mouth was potty.
(GAGGING)
Just let it out, man.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, hold on.
I was in the front,
so I didnt eat any shit?
Nope.
You were total party pooper.
Literally.
(CHUCKLING)
Well, thats a relief, huh?
ED: Thats disgusting.
(YAWNING)
Lts getting really late.
You know what they say,
early to bed,
early to Human Centipede.
I gotta go Human Centipede
with the Olsen twins.
Theyve done it before.
See you gay boys later.
Lets find
a place to sleep, buddy.
Its been a long day.
Oh, Jesus!
I didnt eat corn.
Yeah, I did.
(GROANING)
Shit,
human shit inside me.
Hey, man,
weve all been there.
Really?
Fuck, no,
lve never been there.
Its the most disgusting
thing lve ever heard.
(CRYING) It is real gross.
Hey, shit-for-breath,
be quiet for a second.
Look over there.
Someones got a fire going.
Thats dumb.
Yup.
MAN: I appreciate
the spirited conversation,
gentlemen,
but we all know
theres no debate.
I am the weirdest
of all the Depps.
I mean,
for fucks sake,
lm a pirate
who sashays round
like a bloody poof.
And what of you there,
top hat?
Well,
I do have my fair share
of psychological issues.
My speech patterns
mirror those of
sexual molesters.
I keep a bunch of
dwarves as my slaves.
And I masturbate
in the chocolate.
(GIGGLES)
Every single batch.
I think I might puke.
(WHISTLES)
Nice work, Tonto.
Say good night, weirdos.
A bloody smoke signal!
You fucked us,
you bloody Native!
Tonto sick of white man.
Yes,
but were all Depps, mate!
Tonto
especially sick of Depps.
Are you gonna
rape and murder us?
TEDDY: Keep it in your pants,
Scissorhands.
Me next!
Me next!
If you dont mind,
I prefer it in
a chocolate factory.
Thats brutal.
Now thats what I
call a deep throat.
That means a dozen gone
in the first eight hours,
Stephen A.,
and I think I smell
an alliance forming.
What the fuck do you mean,
an alliance?
If its supposed to be
every man for themself,
they aint gonna
create no fucking alliance.
Theyre gonna be out there
killing each other.
That dont make
no goddamn sense!
I know.
I can barely keep myself
from killing you, Stephen A.
Cant fault you there.
THOR: That creepy,
pale guy was bananas!
B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
TEDDY: Hey, Thor, we get it.
You like cock.
Fuck, dude.
Dont stay here,
dont stay here,
dont stay here.
Anyway, guys, lm pooped.
What say we just
stay here for the night?
ZACH: Do you guys think
theres a Chilis out here?
Lll settle for an Applebees,
but it would be grudgingly.
What the fuck is
he doing with them?
I think hes looking
for a reasonably priced
casual dining restaurant.
Thor?
Awesome Blossom?
Tonto?
Jalapeno poppers?
Something for you, Bloody?
If you talk to me again,
I will murder
your whole family
and terrorise
whatever little Podunk town
you come from, you hear me?
Okay, more fully loaded
potato skins for me then.
How about a bear claw?
Maybe a bun
for the wiener?
All right,
table for six, seven.
Ladies?
You know, I dont think
we fit the dress code.
Oh, its a Chilis.
You guys will be fine.
I kill him now, yes?
No.
Lets lock him in
a burning gymnasium
and wait till his
guttural screams
slowly fade away.
TEDDY: Easy, Scary.
We need to keep
that fat sack of
Aspergers alive for now.
Hes our best shot at finding
those two other fuck nuggets.
Would you guys shush already?
I need to get my beauty sleep.
(GROANS)
Lm never gonna be
able to sleep now.
Lm gonna have
insomnia for sure.
(SIGHS)
This was the worst day ever.
(SNORING)
What the...
Shit!
Jesus! Shut up, Ed.
Got hit with
a fucking boulder.
Hey!
She seems friendly.
What are you nodding at?
I dont...
Use your fucking words!
She wants us to
saw the hive off
so that it falls
onto them below.
GIRL: No fuckin shit.
Vulgar little child.
Oh, I have
a Swiss Army knife.
Okay.
Uh, hey, you know,
lm not really athletic.
Do you mind just
climbing up there?
Take one for the team?
Come on.
Nice.
Oh, snap! Now looky here.
Them
motherfucking hungover honkies
got a trick up their sleeve.
Is that a Swagger
Jacker nest, Skip?
Correct, you are.
Now these guys are
gonna have to be careful.
Swagger Jackers
are no ordinary bees.
They are
genetically engineered wasps
that when they sting you,
they drain your bodys
natural swagger supply.
In other words,
they make you
a straight bitch.
Precisely.
And just a few stings
can prove lethal.
Lm crossing my fingers, Skip.
Me, too.
I know you arent trying
to cut down our nest!
Does that hurt?
Yes, it hurt!
Dude, dont be a pussy.
Saw!
(SNORING)
Oh, God.
Theyre not gonna
sleep in much longer.
Hurry up, man!
(SWAGGER JACKERS CHATTERING)
Hurry up!
Get away from the nest,
jerk-off!
TEDDY:
Flew in my fucking hole!
(SHRIEKING)
TEDDY: Oh, shit!
Got a bee in my cock.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, you okay?
A couple of Swagger
Jack-offs stung me.
(SLURRING)
But lm good.
Hey, hey, hey, sure?
You dont look too good.
I dont feel too good.
No, no, no, no!
Bradley!
Lm coming for you!
You guys see that?
(SCREAMING)
Shit! Shit!
This chubba has
literally no swag.
Hey! I was looking
all over for you guys!
(ALL GROANING)
BRADLEY:
God, my face hurts.
Oh, I can feel my
heartbeat in my ears.
Its throbbing.
Its really loud.
Hey. Does my head look weird?
Lts so loud.
No.
But your body is super tiny.
It is?
Your body is super tiny,
man.
Do I look okay?
Yeah.
Youre cool.
I am cool, thank you.
This is napping
cool time for me.
(GROANS)
This is a terrible pillow.
Sleep sounds good.
Hi.
Lve missed you.
Lve missed you, too, Katnip.
Lm only 17.
What?
Nothing.
I have something to show you.
ED: Yes.
Yes.
No!
Why?
Hey, are you having
a wet hallucination, Ed?
Yeah, you know,
a nocturnal emission?
God, just when I thought
I couldnt hate you any more.
Hey, ease up.
We didnt choose
this way of life.
Yeah,
its no picnic.
You know how hard it is
to motorboat yourself?
God, please dont do it.
This is the worst
wet dream of my life.
See?
Zach,
how can you even ruin boobs?
Hey, does my mouth
look like a nipple?
Uh...
It kinda does.
Okay, this is getting weird.
Maybe we should wake him up.
Okay, okay, okay.
On my count.
One, two, three!
BOTH: Boom!
Bearded boobies!
(SHOUTING)
How long have
we been out, man?
Couple days.
Lve been licking
your wounds.
What?
Lve been
watching you guys sleep,
nursing you back to health.
Scrotal touching
was just for
medicinal purposes.
We saw those
Swagger Jackers
sting you, man. A lot.
Yeah,
but their venom has no effect
if you have no
swagger to jack.
Hold on a second.
What the hell
were you doing
with that gang, man?
You were gonna
help them kill us?
You guys, I dont do
well with peer pressure.
I didnt really
want to murder you.
But you would have?
Oh, come on!
Lm sorry!
I had a moment of weakness!
I nursed you back to health.
Dont you feel swaggy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I really do, actually.
Its because of this.
Swagger Balm.
lngredients, aloe,
palm oil,
and Kanye West extract?
Tastes just like
the real thing.
(GAGGING)
WOMAN: Hey, boys.
We thought
we smelt some swagger.
Puts the rocks down, buddy.
(WHOOPING)
I just wanna get
sloppy drunk and slutty!
Way too late for that,
sweetheart.
I get the blondes.
Okay.
Thats rich!
So then I divorced
that asshole
and took half of everything.
Thats how I got
my lucky charm.
Is it that ring?
Lts lovely.
Lm not talking
about that.
Lm talking about
this.
(LAUGHING)
Is that a fucking ball?
Neat!
I told you, when I
took half of everything,
I meant half of everything.
You girls are
such a treat.
Great!
Heres to good friends!
And you two bitches.
Well, well, well,
if it isnt the popular girls.
Nice blood outfit, honey,
but thats worse
than pleather.
What is that,
O positive?
Awful.
So last season.
What is that, gas?
You got that on
my Gucci dress!
Bitch!
What are you doing?
Do you know how
much this cost?
Wait, I just wanna
see where this is going!
Zach, lets go!
Game, set...
No! No!
...match!
(ALL SCREAMING)
WOMAN: My tits are
gonna melt!
You wanted to see me,
President Snowbama?
Tell me,
have you ever
been hungover?
Why, yes.
Lm actually
hungover right now.
Never pass out
in a crowded bar.
Yes, they shaved
a dick on my face, sir.
These hungover contestants,
people seem to
care about them.
Yes?
Is that
a bad thing, sir?
The Games are a distraction
so people wont notice
the crap we peddle out.
Sequels, remakes, spoofs.
When people start to care,
bad things happen.
Ratings go down,
beards get shaved.
Lve got it
under control, sir.
Its a kitty cat.
Cause youre
a little pussy.
Thank you,
Mr President.
(CANNON BLAST)
Shit! Any one of
these cannon blasts
could be Doug.
We dont even know
if hes still alive.
Hey, lm scared, too,
but the one thing
thats not gonna get us
back to that gay wedding
is sitting here
crying about it.
There should only be
a handful of contestants left.
We can do this, man.
You guys.
Hey,
since were standing around
sharing things,
lve got a doozy.
What the hell
did you do, Zach?
You know the air fresheners
that I plugged in?
Best thing you ever did.
They were delightful.
Well, it wasnt
Lilac or Morning Mist
or Brazilian Breeze.
It was Midnight Berry.
What the shit is
Midnight Berry?
From the novels.
Its aromatic.
Whats so bad
about that?
Well,
I didnt finish my thought.
Its aromatic,
poisonous and lethal.
What the fuck is
wrong with you?
Are you kidding me?
I think you guys
are getting
hung up on the fact
that its poisonous
and lethal.
They smell fresh.
Smell.
Jesus!
Fuck, man!
God!
(GROANS)
Yeah, it says right
here on the label,
May cause transportation
to futuristic dystopia.
May.
Youre the reason were here,
you sausage-fingered fuck!
This is all your fault!
Hey,
you said you liked the scent!
Because I like
floral scents!
Well, there, he said it!
So now I forgive you guys
and we can move forward!
I... Ooh!
I hope you die out here.
No.
You fucked up.
That was harsh.
The sloth is heading towards
the soup pot. Over.
MAN: 10-4,
squaw without bra.
Nice.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Real nice.
Stupid Midnight Berry!
Why does something so fragrant
have to be so bad?
(SIGHS)
Thank God, thank God.
Thank God.
(WOMEN GIGGLING)
Get outta the way.
Get outta the way.
Yeah, thats more like it.
There.
I thought ld never say this,
but Daddy wants blue balls.
MAN OVER PA: Attention,
everyone. Attention.
We have some new
rules for you kids.
From this point forward
contestants of colour
will be granted
special consideration.
Yes, lm talking about
affirmative action, people.
Zach!
It's the 21st century...
(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
Whatever you say.
I think I speak for all of us
when I ask you to
give us some privacy.
With pleasure.
WOMAN: Boys,
have at him.
Nice weave, bitch.
Her hair is all natural.
Take that back!
You wanna kill her,
you gotta kill me first.
(SCREAMS)
Blue scalp.
Rarest of scalps.
Your turn, dumpy.
Yeah!
Gratuitous nudity
no match for
gratuitous violence.
Farewell, my princess.
(CRYING)
Maybe just one more squeeze.
Go in a bit tighter.
What the hell is he doing?
Nothing on three.
I dont know.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Vivian, would you
please get IT in here?
Oy vey.
What up, bitches?
You fix computers?
Hell yeah!
I may be sociopathic gangster,
but lm still Asian,
motherfuckers!
What?
No, no, no,
I really dont think
you should be
messing around with...
Finished!
Excellent.
Thank you.
Were back up,
people.
Oh, come on, Zach!
That not cool.
(LAUGHING)
Excuse me.
You may leave now.
What, I get no tip?
No.
I take cash, credit,
no cheque.
But lll take
a bump of coke.
All right,
get the hell out of here.
Chop-chop!
(SIGHS)
What to do, what to do?
You wanna
get the ratings up?
I got one word for you,
bromance.
Thats not a real word.
You wanna give
these districts a story?
Well, you need to
keep these guys together.
Not separate.
Hmm.
I got one word for you,
heroin.
Heroin is the one word?
No.
Lm just really
looking for some.
You holding?
Lm sorry.
I got one word for you,
dicksauce.
Dicksauce? Dicksauce
is the one word?
You cant buy that shit.
Well, thank you.
Your time here has
been so valuable.
(SHOUTS)
Bromance. Hmm.
(PANTING)
Hey, hey, hey.
Is that water?
Fuck it,
lm thirsty as hell!
Dont put your mouth on that.
Its gross.
Do you think
its filtered?
Really?
I only drink bottled water.
Didnt you just have
shit in your mouth?
All right! Fine!
I didnt intentionally
have shit in my mouth.
It tastes a lot
like blood, though.
(SPITTING)
What?
MAN OVER PA: Check, check.
Hot mic. Hot mic.
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
There has been
a change in the rules.
Yes, from now on,
multiple victors
may be crowned
ifthey survive the Games
and share a long-standing bond
of exceptional male bromance.
They can do that?
Yes, I am allowed to do this.
I can do whatever
the fuck I want,
lm a motherfucking Gamesman!
Noted.
So good luck to you all
and may the probabilities
be ever to your liking.
So that means we can
all get out of this alive.
All we have to do
is find Doug and
Zach! Zach!
Zach! Zach!
BRADLEY: Were sorry, buddy!
Zach!
Where are you, man?
You dropped your glasses.
Hey, quick question.
If they can just change
the rules at any time,
why dont they just pick
who they want to win
and make it happen?
This is confusing to me.
Dont worry about it, man.
Its just a plot hole.
Hold on a sec.
What?
Zach said they
used these birds
to find each other
in the book.
Like by whistling to them.
Hmm.
Worth a shot.
(WHISTLING)
Yeah, that worked.
Shut up.
All right, one more time.
Damn it.
Sure, lll help.
(BOTH WHISTLING)
TALKING JAY:
Suck my bird cock!
Come on!
Really?
Marco! Marco!
We dont have
time for this!
Marco!
Why couldnt you
just say, Polo?
There you are.
Listen,
not that I give a hoot,
but your fat friend Zachs
about a half mile away
from here with Katnip.
How do you know?
A little birdie told me.
And by a little birdie,
I mean a chickadee
who gave me a beakjob.
You want to find
this overgrown garden gnome?
Yeah. And Katnip.
And stop fucking yelling, man.
TALKING JAY: Anyway,
thats why lm not allowed
to go near schools any more.
Good to know.
Yeah!
You guys!
Oh, my God!
I missed you guys so much!
Yeah. Okay.
Wheres Katnip?
Shes over there.
Youve got the talking jay!
Sorry, Bradley, but this guy
just made me crap
down your shirt.
Everything he says
is so foul!
Yeah,
he says disgusting stuff.
Come on!
Where are we going? Fuck.
Ooh.
Maybe I should tell her lm...
No, no, I should not.
(SIGHS)
Wow, yeah,
this is not...
This isnt pervy at all.
Yes, it is.
Hey! Perverted ass cracker!
Hey!
Trees are nice here.
Ed!
Oh, my God, youre okay!
Hey!
Oh...
Um, that is a respect boner.
A boner achieved
out of respect.
Um...
You know lm 17,
right?
La, la, la!
What? I cant hear you!
It just got real loud in here!
Hey, guys, hey.
Hi.
No sign of Doug?
Nope. Nothing.
Wait a minute.
He came with your district.
You were the last one
to see him at the arena.
Do you have any idea
where he went?
Well, do you
feel like telling us?
Okay, lve had
about enough of this.
Hey, hey, hey,
come on!
Thats like
a triple hate crime.
Hey.
Theyre just looking
for their friend.
Do you want to tell them?
For me?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
You got Norsed!
Shit!
What the hell is
wrong with you?
Oh, shit!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
That took a while.
Who wants to go
get margaritas?
What the frick
do we do now?
I dont know,
Zach,
its been a while since
lve had to battle
the God of Thunder!
Hey, blondie!
Pick on someone your own size!
(CHOKING)
Yeah! Nice shot, Ed!
I just killed a god.
Did you guys see...
Oh, shit.
Hey.
You okay? Come on, wake up.
Youre a doctor, right?
You can help her.
Lm a dentist.
Check her teeth.
ZACH:
# Ave Maria
ZACH:
# Ave Maria
# Gratia plena #
You guys wanna
hear some Wu-Tang?
She was so young.
What a waste.
There, buddy.
She had so much ahead for her.
Her first kiss.
Her first handjob.
Her first bukkake.
Unless you guys wanna
give her a send-off.
No.
Wow.
Shes at peace.
Or in some dark,
endless abyss.
Wait.
We need to pay our respects.
With a salute.
Two in the pink.
One in the stink.
ALL: Forever.
Can I ask you
a serious question?
Yeah, anything, man.
Which ones the pink
and which ones the stink?
Because theyre
both pinkish.
And they both stink.
Yeah.
Remember when I told you
to ask me anything?
Forget I said that.
You dont know, do you?
MAN OVER PA: Hello. Attention,
everyone. Attention.
It is my profound pleasure
to invite you all to
a feast!
Feast?
And this will be no
ordinary occasion.
We know that you
all want something
and you want it bad.
And we are aiming
to be very generous hosts.
Now, there will be
some weapons available,
but I strongly suggest
that you all BYO weapon.
Because I don't
wanna get blamed
ifwe run out
like the last time.
That was embarrassing.
Oh!
I also really need
someone to bring ice.
I had a sign-up
sheet at the Reaping.
Nobody fucking chose ice.
Whats the big deal?
Come on, somebody.
Be a rock star. Own it.
Ice, out.
Has anyone seen
a 7-Eleven out here?
Attention, everyone.
Attention.
We are looking for
a competitor named
Harry Ballsonya.
Harry Ballsonya?
Please report to
the control room immediately.
I repeat, Harry Ballsonya.
This will be the...
(ALL GIGGLING)
Oh, damn it!
Who did this?
Making me
look like a fucking asshole!
(SHUSHING)
We really should
have brought ice.
Dont worry about it.
Hey!
Is that a cell phone?
Maybe we can use it
to call the wedding.
Stall them or something.
Lm on it.
Hey!
I wouldnt do that.
See those lumps of dirt?
Dog poops.
Landmines.
If you guys are
gonna get through this,
you better watch your step.
Check it out.
Hey, when you said,
you guys,
are you not
coming with us?
I need to go find
Tonto and kill him,
but this is for you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, if you...
If you just wait,
well go with you.
We can protect you.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, youre serious.
Yeah.
Look, the only reason
I dont want you
guys coming with me
is because you would
completely fuck it up.
No offence.
Oh.
Okay.
I really do love you.
Frankly, lm surprised
youre still alive.
Okay, got it.
Bye, Ed.
Yup, bye, Katnip.
Be safe.
Yeah.
Try not to die.
Sorry, buddy.
Shell be back.
Mm-hmm.
Although unless
she has a birthday
in the next couple of hours,
shell still be 17.
Yeah, got it.
I know were in
a futuristic dystopia
and everything,
but jailbait is jailbait,
brother.
Yeah, what dating site did you
get her from? J-Bait?
Get it?
Not now, Zach.
But good one.
Hey! Hey!
What the fuck
are you doing?
What Katnip would do.
(EXCLAIMS)
Okay, lm good.
Oh, shit.
God damn it.
What?
What?
Oh.
Hi.
You mind if I just
grab a weapon?
(SCREAMS)
Lts too bad you
couldnt help your friend.
A generic straight man.
What was his name?
Doug.
And hes not a straight man.
Well, hes probably long dead.
And soon,
youll be long dead, too.
(SCREAMING)
This is for
threatening my friend!
This is for being
a bitch to me in the woods!
This is for calling
my hometown Podunk!
This is for not
returning my sexts!
And this is for
ruining the prom!
Yeah!
Holy fucking shit.
You just brutally
murdered a young girl.
Yeah.
And the weird thing is
I thought it would
take more hits.
But I guess you
live and learn.
Or at least, she doesnt.
Am I right?
Am I right?
Yeah, whatever you say.
Of course.
All right, look,
we can still get
out of this thing.
We just gotta get
this bromance thing
back in gear.
Oh, be careful!
Oh, Jesus.
If you were Doug,
where would you be?
Maybe these guys
can help us find him.
Hey, little buddies.
How are my favourite
imitation puppets doing?
Oh, fuck!
My hammie, again!
Kick his ass!
Lets fuck him up!
Wait, wait!
I thought you puppets were
the good guys! What the fuck?
We used to be.
Yeah, but now weve
stared death in the face.
Weve seen
the depths of human suffering.
And were already
dead inside.
Yeah.
Thats awful.
My God, lm sorry.
Come on, you bitch!
Yeah, you scared coward!
Youre not man
enough to fuck with me!
You wouldnt last two
minutes in my world,
you bitch!
Is that the Mike Tyson rant?
Fuck you.
Fuck you, you ho.
Lll fuck your ass
in front of everybody!
Yeah,
thats definitely the Tyson.
Enough talk!
Kill them!
(ALL CLAMOURING)
(SCREAMING)
A mine is
a terrible thing to waste.
That was actually
a pretty good one, Zach.
Yeah?
Yeah.
At least that was
just my reader copy.
Guys, a little help?
You four-eyed fuck.
You see this coming?
(SCREAMS)
Fuck me!
Right in the smarts!
Thats painful!
But also hilarious.
(MOANING)
Thats my girl!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, youre hurt!
You should see the other guy.
You killed Tonto?
Yeah.
Come on, we need to
get you in the shade.
Can you walk?
Lts okay, I got you.
I got you, I got you.
Move! Move!
Lts okay.
You all right?
Youre gonna be okay.
Its okay, I got you.
I got you.
I got you. There you go.
Youre gonna be okay.
Its all right,
its not that bad.
(SHUSHING)
Ed, its okay.
No, no, no, its not okay!
You need help.
Ed, one of us had to die.
Well, I wish it was me.
Me, too.
What?
Sorry.
That slipped out. Sorry.
Yeah, that came out real fast.
Its okay.
Um...
Speaking of,
since...
Since this is it for me,
do you want to see them?
See what?
My boobs, dummy.
I...
I would. Very much.
Okay.
I know youve been
waiting for this.
Pretty nice, huh?
Unbelievable.
Wow.
No tan lines.
Unbelievable.
But if hed move a little bit,
I could see them better.
Ed?
Yeah, yeah.
The light is starting to fade.
Will you look
deep into my eyes
as I fade away?
Absolutely, Katnip.
Ed, up here.
Yeah? Lm sorry. I love them.
I mean, I love you.
I love all of you.
I know.
Goodbye.
Lll...
lll see you soon enough.
Okay.
Wait,
whats that supposed to mean?
Katnip?
Hey, do you know
something I dont?
Am I next?
(CANNON BLAST)
Yeah, shes dead,
thatd be weird.
Thatd be weird. Lm sorry.
I think its time
we made the call.
(PHONE RINGING)
Tracey, its Bradley.
MAN: I don't know who you
are or what you want.
Fuck, I think I dialled
the wrong number.
What I do have are
a particular set ofskills.
Lfyou give my daughter
back to me now,
thatll be the end of it.
But ifyou don't...
Okay.
I will...
(ENDS CALL)
Crazy.
Definitely not Tracey.
Let me try again.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Tracey, its Bradley.
Hey, man,
whats wrong?
I dont know.
The first girl
I ever loved just died.
I watched you murder a girl
with your bare hands.
Were as good as dead.
And the worst part is
we lost our best friend.
Thats whats wrong.
I cant help
but accept some
responsibility for this.
Yeah, no, I blame you
for the majority of it.
Seriously? I mucked
up the bachelor party.
I got us stuck
in some weird
alternate universe.
This whole thing
just went right
down the tubes!
I didnt even get
to be a part of the
Human effing Centipede.
What did you just say?
I dont care
how awkward it is,
sharing a gastric system is
a life experience.
I could have
scrapbooked about it.
No, no, before that.
This whole thing
went down the tubes.
Doug!
Are you having
a flashback montage?
The tubes! I know
where Doug is! Bradley!
Where are you guys?
What's going on?
Bradley!
Bradley? Bradley?
Bradley? Bradley?
Hey, Tracey! Lts Ed!
Ed! Ed, what in
the H-E-double hockey sticks
is going on?
Were gonna go pick
up Doug right now,
so don't you worry
your pretty little
man face about it.
Okay, but we gotta go.
Well see you real soon, bye!
What the fuck, man?
I know where Doug is!
Come on! Go!
Lets go,
lets go!
Hello? Hello?
This is it!
Dougs tube never came up!
What?
Well, if hes not down there,
where the hell is he?
Okay, lets face it.
Dougs not in the tube.
There was no sign
of him in the arena.
He is gone.
That is a fact.
You fucking idiots!
(ALL GROANING)
God fucking damn it!
Jesus!
That bush is angry!
Lm not that bush,
you bearded piece
of afterbirth!
Lts me! Doug!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Shut up! All you guys,
just shut the fuck up!
You guys forget me
all the fucking time!
In Vegas!
In this fucked-up
alternate universe!
Yeah.
Lm barely in
the goddamn movie trailer!
Lts true, I dont even
think hes on the poster.
I never get any punchlines,
and you keep leaving me
in enclosed fucking places!
You think maybe
we can talk to you
about this at sea level?
Not this time.
This time,
I get the last laugh.
Jeez, dude!
Wait, wait, wait!
Youre right!
Youre right! Were sorry.
We haven't given
you your proper due.
You are the perfect blend
of handsome and humourless.
Without you,
there are no jokes.
Hell, without you,
there is no us.
You may be a gay man,
but you are
the best damn straight man
weve ever met.
Ah!
I could never
murder you guys.
(ALL SIGH)
You!
Wait here one second.
(ALL GRUNTING)
You guys!
That worked great!
Lm so glad
youre alive, man!
Bradley, bring it in!
You guys,
this is just perfect.
Nothing could
possibly ruin this moment.
MAN OVER PA: Hello out there,
everybody.
Hey, remember that earlier
"bromance revision"
I was telling you guys about?
Well,
you can forget about that.
Theres only
gonna be one winner
of the Hungover Games.
So if youre
a foursome of dudes
who recently bro-conciled,
you're gonna have
to kill each other.
You're just gonna have
to fight to the death.
Lm sorry,
I dont make up the rules.
Wait, I do.
I do make up the rules.
Suckers!
Well, good luck and
may the odds be forever
in your blah-blah-blah,
et cetera, et cetera.
This is gonna be good.
Nope. No way.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Wait,
why are all these weapons
shaped like dicks?
All right, listen, guys.
Listen up.
Lets talk about this.
I cant die now.
Lm about to get married.
I have a wife
and kids at home.
I just lost Katnip!
She was my everything.
She was also
very much underage.
DOUG: Seriously?
Ed, buddy,
there are laws against that.
You cant statutory
rape your soulmate.
Jeepers creepers!
You guys, dont you remember?
Were a brotherhood!
You heard the announcement.
Its every man for himself.
No! I have an idea.
We all need to eat these.
Theyre Midnight Berries.
Its the only way to end this.
That is what got
us into this mess
in the first place.
Yeah,
these berries would kill us.
But the Capitol
wont even let
us swallow them.
Theyd rather
have four winners
than no winner.
So before we even
get these in our mouths
theyll cancel
the whole thing.
You have to trust me.
Absolutely not.
Doubt me all you want,
but dont doubt
my knowledge of
young adult fiction.
Lm in.
What?
Me, too.
Really?
Fine.
Me, too. Lm in.
But only because
I love you guys.
Okay.
On the count of three.
One.
Two.
Three.
What do we do now?
Come on!
Kinda tasty.
(GAGGING)
Zach, you dumb motherfucker!
What the...
Morning.
You guys sleep well?
Yeah.
Pretty well.
Anyone have floss?
I think lve got
Midnight Berry seeds
stuck in my teeth.
Wait, wait.
What time is it?
Lts 10:00 a.m.
Well never
make the wedding.
Wanna bet?
You guys think
you can take me out
of the straitjacket now?
Guys,
I am just so pumped to be
a real member of this group.
Its so cool
youre gonna let me
have more lines
in the next movie.
Thats right, yeah.
Totally gonna happen.
Yeah, more lines, definitely.
(TYRES SCREECH)
Come with me if
you want to attend
a gay wedding.
Sorry. Getting here
was a real bloodbath.
What the fucksticks, you guys?
Honey,
I am so, so, so sorry.
You had better
have a good
explanation for this.
Trace,
the last three days were,
without a doubt,
the most backwards, fucked up,
inexplicable experience
of my entire life.
I saw brutal death.
I saw murderous
talking puppets.
I saw gay Thor.
But all I could
think about was you.
Can you forgive me?
Well,
boys will be boys.
So are we gonna
talk about last night?
Okay.
Whatever the hell
we think happened,
it obviously
didnt really happen.
Zach just got in our heads
with that dumb book of his,
so just forget about it
and move on.
Lm over it, too.
Lm onto Fifty Shades now.
This rich guy is erotic.
You know what?
You guys are wrong.
Over the course of
one day, I loved,
I lost, and I almost died,
like, 10 times.
You also ate
a boatload of shit.
Thank you for the reminder.
But thankfully,
it wasnt real.
You gotta let it go, man.
You know what?
You can believe what you want,
but I know
my connection with
that girl was real.
Theres a lot of wiener
in this book.
But lm not mad about it.
This probably would make
a really good TV movie.
Get Alyssa Milano.
Oh.
Sorry.
So sorry about that.
Its been a bit of a...
Dont worry about it.
Weddings that way.
(LAUGHS)
Well, it was nice
bumping into you.
Hey, bud.
We gotta go.
I know. Do you...
What are you
stammering about?
MAN: We are gathered here
today to celebrate the pure
and magical love of
these two deeply,
deeply passionate men.
Guys, thats her.
I swear to God,
shes right there.
Stop, man.
There is no her.
Yeah...
Do I need to set
you up with a shrink?
Lm telling you,
shes...
Dude.
Enough.
Fine.
Letting it go.
Thank you.
MAN: Some people say
love is nothing
but a battlefield.
Not me.
These days,
people dont view marriage
as something to enjoy.
They view it as
something to survive.
So Doug, Tracey,
with that, I say
may the odds be
ever in your favour.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
This tree has a vagina.
(LAUGHING)