1
Shit!
Shit!
We were invited to Henry
Grotsky's son's wedding.
We got invited to Henry
Grotsky's son's wedding?
Yeah. Why are you
saying it like that?
Why am I saying it
the way someone
who was just invited
to the wedding...
of the child of a guy
he barely knows would say it?
We're going.
Mmm-mmm.
This place will be fine
without us for a weekend.
No. Not going.
Jerry, you're
the president of idiots.
Bina, you're the dummy
who voted me into office.
Okay, impeached.
Too late. I resign.
Ha-ha!
I was first.
This could be a great
thing for you, sweetie.
Look, it was
at a friends wedding
that your dad and I
first got it on.
Open the door,
I want to show you something.
I'm flat-out naked
in here, so...
Renzo Eckberg, your manhood
is nothing to be ashamed of.
Your manhood is a glory to God.
Open the door a crack,
I'll fling il in.
This could be how you meet
the love of your life.
Girls are always so drunk
and emotional at weddings.
Maybe that's where
you'll really shine.
Should I start hanging out
at wakes too?
Oh, let's see
how the wedding goes first.
You got a letter from someone.
I'm pretty surprised about it.
I didn't know you knew
anyone in the free world.
Good boy!
Why, thank you, Ringo.
Oh, my!
Oh, Ringo!
I, Francie...
take you, Douglas, as you are...
to love and to cherish...
to have and to hold...
until death do us part.
Frances Millner,
Douglas Grotsky, take hands.
You may now kiss
as husband and wife.
Two miles later,
we're almost there.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Shit.
You look good, ladies.
Right here.
I'll see you in there.
Hi.
Hey.
You're here.
That's c...
Mmm-hmm.
Why are you here?
Same as you.
Because I'm the best man
at my sister's wedding.
Okay.
So it's not the same at all.
Oh, my God, just...
Give a
little bit of love to grow
Have fun!
Oh, shit.
Don't you make me beg for more
Give a sign, I need to know
I wish I could be there
to be your wingman, honey.
Whether you get a girl to smile
or whether she runs away,
it's all good.
Gotta go, someone's here.
Hello.
I'm Francie Millner's
first nanny,
Jo Flanagan.
That's Jo with a "J"
and an "O" and no "E".
I'm Renzo. With an "E"
and an "O" and no "J".
You have an intense look
about you, Renzo.
Thank you.
I'm working on that.
Hi.
Bina and Jerry Kepp, hello.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Walter.
Hello, Roger.
Nice to see you.
Thank you so much
for inviting me,
it really means a lot.
Thank you so much.
I didn't invite you.
Francie did.
Okay.
I honestly thought
they wouldn't let you
travel out of state.
Well, you know.
Hello! Thank you
for inviting me.
Thank you so much for coming.
I don't think we've ever been
at a reception table
with a nanny before.
Have we, Jerry?
Only very good
or very bad nannies
are remembered
so many years later.
Which one are you?
You guys swingers?
No, you're not. Right? No.
Renzo, pick up
the phone. Renzo, pick up the phone.
Did you not request
a singles' table?
Because so far,
it's slim pickings.
It was on the RSVP.
You put it there yourself.
Pardon me.
And how are you so sure
you're not with the singles?
If there are couples
at your table,
they could be
what's called "swingers."
How well do you know the
bride and groom, Mr. Kepp?
Hmm. I can smell
the toilets from here,
that's how well we know
the bride and groom.
Don't listen to him,
he's not a romantic.
This is a great table.
It's a great one.
Mmm. No, it isn't.
Yeah, it is.
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Well, we'll see.
Okay.
Hello. Sorry.
Someone's sitting in that.
Sorry.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Is this one okay?
Yeah. No one's.4.
My name is Walter.
I can tell by your accent
you must be a relation
to the bride's father.
Close relation?
Yes.
Oh.
Hmm.
So what do you do, Walter?
What do I do...
For work?
Leave it alone.
Why can't a person ask that?
Yeah, I'd like to know.
Okay, then. Okay.
She'd like to know.
So, Walter,
what is it that you do?
I am a successful businessman.
Oh.
Okay.
- Okay, then.
- Hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
What kind of business?
Sorry, do you mind?
So, forget the married people.
Dance with the nanny.
Hollywood marriages bust up all
the time because of the nanny.
And you know what, Renzo?
Even if she is a little older,
so what?
There's something to be said
for know-how,
experience and someone
who's seen a lot of things.
You don't want somebody
perfect for your first dance.
It's just too intimidating;.
You okay?
No. Not okay.
I could just see you staring
at somebody for a minute.
Like a real, true minute which
is a long time to stare.
Tells me you got something
brewing up here.
Sorry, do I know you?
Do you mind
if I say something else?
I'm gonna say something else.
Nobody deserves a full
minute of your attention
unless they're giving it
back to you.
Oh.
Smile!
Hey, just something
for you to think about.
Me to you.
You're welcome.
Um, what the fu...
- Hey!
- Sorry?
Don't do that.
Do what?
Just say something smug
and walk away.
No, it wasn't like that.
I just saw you there, and I...
Yeah, well, it was like that.
Also, in order
for you to know that
I'd been staring at someone
for a real, true minute,
you had to be staring at me
for a real, true minute.
Also, that was a test.
Which I passed.
My ex-boyfriend
is in there.
And I...
You know, felt nothing.
I felt nothing at all.
Right.
So, I misread that entirely.
Yeah. I guess you did.
Sorry, I'm...
I'm having an off day.
Do you ever have that?
Kind of day where
you think that the things
that come so easy to
everyone else just seem so
elusive?
No.
Yeah, me neither.
Okay.
Okay.
Not that you asked, but
this is where I'm sitting
so if you end up
in the high teens,
you know where to find me.
Shit!
Oh, shit.
Are you feeling all right?
What do you say your name is?
Megan-Ann.
Megan-Ann. Okay.
I will not forget.
I should have married Leroy
while I had the chance.
Leroy knew where
to put his hands.
Ah, you're the killer, Nyung.
Don't deny it, you shit.
It's hard to put down
a good book.
Yes.
Who doesn't love to read books?
I do, as a normal person.
What's your favorite book,
Walter?
Probably that one.
Walter, where do you live?
Today will not suck.
Your nails are orange
and your hair is orange.
And your dress is orange.
I say it's too much orange.
Too much orange?
That's what I was saying, so
you have to lose one of them.
I meant the dress.
On, my God.
Where are you from?
Hi.
Nyung.
- Okay. Hi.
- Hi!
I am Renzo.
I've achieved puberty
and I'm in a rock band.
I'm Walter, I'm a successful businessman
and I've also reached puberty.
Well, terrific.
I'm Eloise.
So far, it's my mom on bass
and me on lyrics,
but it's pretty cool.
Very cool.
Uh-huh.
There's No Bad Name
For a High School Rock Band.
Is what we're calling ourselves.
I'm calling it "The Band."
Eloise, what's your connection
to the bride and groom?
Right, yeah, that's the sort
of question you ask back here.
Ifs not gonna be
what you want to hear.
It won't be
what she wants to hear.
You're Jo Flanagan, right?
You're the nanny.
Francie's nanny.
How do you know that?
And you know Henry Grotsky
from the diner scene,
you're those people...
Jesus, not the Klumps.
Wow.
The Kepps.
- Bina and Jerry Kepp.
- Right.
And I'm Walter,
just a successful businessman
who just likes to read
his favorite book.
That one.
And you're
Grotsky's friends kid?
You requested
the singles' table.
That was never gonna happen.
How do you know us?
So, Francie, today's bride,
is my oldest friend.
Oh... Thank you!
There's been along discussion
about what kind of table this is
and you've just resolved it!
She is the best friend
of the bride.
Well, oldest.
How close to the toilet
do you feel now, Mr. Kepp?
The same.
The distance is the same.
You know what?
It's the same wedding.
It's the same celebration no
matter what table you're at.
I'm a fan of
detective fiction, Eloise.
Big, big fan.
So when I find that something
doesn't add up, I investigate.
Can't help being a detective,
it's just who I am.
And you want to know what rank on
the force my husband has attained?
He manages a diner in Columbus, Ohio.
That rank.
Fill us in anyway, would you,
on how exactly
the bride's best friend
ended up back here
with the Klumps.
Oldest friend.
Leave it alone.
No, that's fine.
It's not, it's...
It's no mystery,
it's not a big deal.
I got dumped
by Francie's brother,
Teddy Millner, the best man.
That tall drink of shit
over there at table one
you can barely see.
God, look at him.
That guy is exactly
who you think he'd be.
Yeah, just a selfish jerk.
Which I somehow didn't see
until two months ago
when he dumped me out of the blue.
Then I saw.
So I dropped out
as maid of honor
because it was awkward
and I RSVP'd "No."
Well, "Yes" and then "No."
And then I thought,
this is about Francie,
it's her day,
and I won't let her brother
scare me away from that.
I'm glad I came.
I'm fine.
I feel nothing, actually.
I'm, like...
I feel liberated.
I feel free.
God. You have no idea
what that feels like.
Someday.
I mean, I am free.
I do, I mean,
I'm a free man,
I do know how it feels.
Right. Great.
Well, then, you know.
It feels great.
I don't have to think
about him anymore.
Talk to him, or...
Excuse me.
All right. Our newlyweds waif!
Be joining us
for their first dance soon.
Okay, what's going on, man?
Meanwhile, enjoy the open bar.
Come on, what does that mean?
What does that mean?
It means you leave me
a voicemail
telling me to tell Francie
not to open your RSVP card.
Then you leave me a voicemail
telling me that you're coming
and then another one saying
"Disregard the last one."
So that's what I mean,
what are you doing here?
You listened to
all those voicemails?
Hey, guys, right here.
Come on, El,
please don't go all crazy.
"All crazy"?
Now what does that mean?
It means you get mad.
You do something big
and you can't take it back
and it's too late, and then...
Crazy.
I do that?
I do that?
I'm not your mom,
so, I don't do that.
I think it's funny, mostly.
But not today.
Nikki will murder me...
All right, all right.
Nikki can calm down.
What is the deal with Nikki?
Really?
Wow. "What's the deal
with Nikki?" That's funny.
Why would you care about Nikki if
you're just here for my sister?
You're right.
Yeah.
You're right.
It's none of my business
if you cheated on me with her.
What?
Why should it even bother me?
Come on! I didn't
cheat on you with her.
It started after we broke up
and you dropped out
as maid of honor.
How does a guy who...
After two years, you break
up with me over text?
"Good luck with your
future endeavors?
Were you firing me?
What the f...
You're an asshole.
Oh, my God,
you're such an asshole.
You're a ridiculous asshole.
Why don't you just go home?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Before you ruin
all this for Francie.
I don't have a ferry ticket
till tomorrow, anyway.
Swim.
Think she'll be back?
I vote yes.
Hey! Let's chat,
you and me.
No, I'd like my
elbow back, Nicole.
Fine.
Just don't make a scene.
Why does everyone
keep saying I do that?
Hey, Jerry Kepp.
Uh-huh.
Just a hypothetical.
If someone offered you
20 bucks to go up
to our room and read your
book in the tub, would you'?
Say yes.
No. You know how I feel
about a hotel bathtub.
People do unconscionable
things in hotel bathtubs.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Bina, stand up. Bina, please,
stand up right now, please.
Why?
I will give you
20 RSVP'd dollars
if you stand up right now.
All right, then.
Okay?
What?
Honey.
Oh.
Shit.
What a shame.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
So much.
How long have you worked here?
I don't
really work here.
Yeah. What's up?
Look at that
That is why I'm here today.
Rodriguez & Hayes
must be overjoyed.
Actually, I heard
they were fighting.
Okay, look.
Teddy broke up with you.
I know how hard
that can be, okay?
A long time ago,
he broke up with me
to go out with you, so I get it.
But you have to stop now.
I fit into this family.
You never did.
I was Francie's first choice
for maid of honor.
I was Teddy's first choice
for a girlfriend.
Sometimes, first sticks.
Sometimes, it doesn't.
He listened to every
voicemail I sent,
so what does that tell you?
Tells me you don't know
when to stop calling.
Hey, Bina.
Hmm?
Make use of the jacket
and grab us a cheese plate,
would you?
That's funny.
Last week,
I did a search history
on our computer.
And one of us looked up
"Topless Dame Helen Mirren."
Wasn't me.
M-I-R-R-E-N.
Why did you do that?
Why did you come here?
Jerry said he wasn't coming,
and then all of a sudden
he changed his mind
and he won't say why.
Since when does a man
need a reason
to go to a wedding
with his own wife?
See? He has
a pathological aversion
to answering
a question directly.
He always answers
with another question.
Why did you make
Facebook friends
with Henry Grotsky on Facebook?
You answered with a question.
Why are you looking
at my Facebook?
You just did the same thing.
Okay.
Actually, with Henry Grotsky
and Tom Fo.
Tom Fo?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, Henry Grotsky owns
five diners in Central Ohio.
We own a diner in Central Ohio.
Everyone who owns
a diner in Central Ohio
is Facebook friends.
You'd know that
if you paid attention.
Tom Fo. Okay.
Am I Facebook friends
with Tom Fo, really, Jerry?
Okay. All right.
Bina lost her virginity to a
loser immigrant named Tom Fo.
He was from Canada.
From the province of Canada that
produces the most insufferable people.
That's not true.
Manitoba. It is true.
Tom Fo is my first boyfriend,
and we loved each other.
Great, I'll friend
my first love now.
Helen Mirren will be thrilled.
Renzo, pick up the phone.
Renzo, pick up...
Not now, big fight.
Are you all right?
You look lost.
I do?
If you need help, just ask us.
Sorry, "If I need help"?
Do you?
Do you need my help?
Why would I need your help?
Well, you have no one.
I did the table assignments
with Francie.
How could the person who did the table
assignments have no one else here?
I planned half the wedding.
Okay.
Table one is Francie,
Doug and everyone
who actually matters
including Teddy Millner,
the best man-child
and Nikki Carmichael,
the second-choice
maid of honor.
Table two,
Francie's hideous dad...
Roger?
No, he's a lovely bloke.
Roger and his trophy wife,
and Doug's parents
who are married but miserable.
Table three, Francie's
disaster at a mother,
her actual sorority sisters who are at!
Divorced, mostly twice,
sometimes more.
What's happening now?
Four, Doug's
kooky college friends.
Five, grandparents, no comment.
Six, Doug's dad's
military buddies.
Seven, decent cousins.
Eight, indecent cousins
including Infamous Kate,
the Millner family nymphomaniac.
Where is eight now?
Nine, Francie's
scintillating work.
10, Doug's even
more scintillating work.
11, kids' table, no comment.
12 and 13
are two tables of singles,
one supposedly cool,
the other supposedly not.
14, Doug's dads
diner world connections.
The hell are we doing back here?
15 are the wedding hires
including the reverend,
the hairdresser,
the hairdressers colorist.
And then there's three more
rabies until you get back here.
Do you know what Francie's
mother calls this table?
Enough.
What Carol Millner
calls Table 19?
The table that should have
known to RSVP regrets...
but not before sending
something nice off the registry.
Enough.
The table that could
disappear in the middle
of the wedding and no one
would even notice.
Enough!
I did the table assignments
with Francie
before I was replaced
as maid of honor
because her brother broke up with
me over text after two years.
That's the kind of
table this is.
I told Francie Millner a never-ending
story when she was five.
I taught her
a dozen rock-n-roll songs.
I gave her, her favorite
toy in the world.
A golden bird that she so loved,
I bet she still has it now.
Does that sound like a person
they would put at a table
of people they don't care about?
It sounds like someone who
was invited to a wedding
because Francie's
mother found out
she was paying $200 a plate
for the groom's nanny
and wanted to settle the score.
Oh, and me too.
I mean, I'm here too.
Even though Teddy Millner is
the worst person I ever knew.
I wanted to see if maybe
I was still in love with him.
So, thanks for the offer but I'm
done looking for help from people
who are as lost as I am.
I'm Teddy.
And I'm Nikki.
I'm the best man.
Maid of honor.
Welcome for their first dance
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky!
Gel this party started!
See the people
walking down the street
Fall in line
just watching all their feet
They don't know
where they want to go
But they're walking in time
They got the beat
They got the beat
They got the beat
Yeah, they got the beat
Hi.
No.
Of course not.
Hello. I am Renzo
representing House Eckberg.
Uh-huh. Okay.
I'm Luke Pfaffler.
Can I help you with something?
Mr. Pfaffler?
May I have a word
with your daughter?
Oh, this is not my daughter.
She's just my Pfaffler today.
Can I ask what her name is?
Megan-Ann.
There it is.
I may come to you one day
asking for Megan-Ann's hand
in marriage.
She's not my daughter.
But today, I'm only going to ask
for her hand in this dance.
And the rest of her,
along with her body.
Good. No,
I don't think that's...
You don't want to dance, right?
No.
She doesn't want to dance.
Maybe I should have a word
with her actual father?
He's not here.
Same with mine.
Okay, I think this
conversation is over, right?
Because it started with
you asking for a dance
and then the answer
to that was no.
First, can I ask if she'd like to
hear about my extracurriculars?
Okay. I'm gonna go out
on a limb here,
Rezno, and say that she has
evaluated the whole package,
including the
after-school specials
and she's not really ready
to dance with that, okay?
So you could just stand awkwardly
in front of another table.
Oh, okay.
Thank you
for the clarity of that.
That was bracing, so thank you.
My pleasure.
Would it matter
if I'm in a band?
What instrument?
Lyrics.
No.
We got the beat
We got the beat
Well, that was weird.
I thought we were gonna be
murdered there for a second.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, my God, the
lighting in here is brutal!
God!
My dance number is next and
I cannot look like my hair
just got humped by a hurricane.
Hello, Carol.
I must look
very different to you
since the last time
we saw each other.
O-M-G! Oh!
That's mortifying
that I would forget.
Nanny Jo.
Well, you've had
a lot on your plate.
No, I am a Champagne
mental patient.
It is inexcusable.
No, it's fine.
No, it's not.
No, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
On, my God.
All right. We have to catch
up one of these years,
when my brain is
made of less liquid.
We will die laughing.
One of these years.
My daughter is
a goddamn married woman!
The funny thing is,
the bloke doesn't realize
he's on the ninth green with
his pants around his ankles!
Funny.
This...
is my nephew.
Hello.
My name is Walter and I'm
a successful businessman.
Nice. What line of work
are you in?
I could ask you
the same question.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm in beer
and wine distribution.
Same.
Oh, you are?
Ever heard of a guy named
Donny Haczyk?
Yes. He's a knobhead.
- He's a what?
- A knobhead.
Like a dickhead.
I'm Donny Haczyk.
Good to see you again, Donny.
And pull her close
and there, there, there
And take your baby by the ears
And play upon her darkest fears
We were so in phase
In our dance hail days
Oh, boy.
People do weird things
at weddings.
What was I ever thinking?
It's so weird, one day you
can be 100%, the next...
Are you hungry?
Because there's a plate
of pigs in a blanket
about to come through that door.
Just grab it.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How did you...
My sense of smell
is my best feature.
Ooh!
Was that a bread roll?
Happy Anniversary.
What's wrong with you?
What are we doing here?
What if I'm just here
to enjoy all of this'?
Huh? We used to dance, Jerry.
Why can't I just be here
to reminisce
on the early days
of Bina and Jerry?
Please.
I give up.
Where's Mr. Manny?
Mr. Manny?
A lady at Table 4 says she tries
to eat her own weight in
purple cabbage every week.
How do I figure out if the kitchen
has that much purple cabbage?
I don't know
why you're telling me...
Okay, forget it.
Take this. Take it.
I'll find Mr. Manny myself.
Oh, come on!
Hmm.
I should go somewhere.
Yeah, I mean...
You should be
traveling the world.
Hmm.
I've never actually
been outside the country.
It almost happened
after high school
but I had to get a job answering
phones at a car dealership
and my supposed
friends couldn't wait.
So now I find myself
thinking that this guy...
You, guy...
seem like the kind of
person who, in fact,
did not have to get a job
at Lukazey's Toyota
and has been to Europe
or some such
and knows where one goes to...
To what?
Oh. Well. Uh...
I'd probably say this corner right
here is where I'd go for that.
We have no past
We won'! reach back
Keep with me forward
All through the nigh!
And once we start
The meter clicks
Ugh. I'm drunk, Teddy.
Please don't let me
make a fool of myself.
Mom, you could never
make a fool of yourself.
You couldn't make ii.
Not possible.
All through me nigh!
Stray cat is crying,
so stray cat sings back
- What are we doing'?
- We're dancing.
And also?
Maybe making somebody jealous.
Okay.
Sorry.
Bit too much?
It's a little too much.
You know,
this isn't really dancing.
Oh?
Uh-uh.
This is dancing.
Oh...
Watch it!
What?
Keep with me forward
all through the night
And once we star!
The meter clicks
And it goes on running
All through me nigh!
We have no past
We won't reach back
Keep with me forward
all through the night
And once we star!
The meter clicks
And it goes running
all through the night
Until it ends
There is no end
It was lovely to dance with you.
How did I not just get kissed?
It happens more often
than you think.
Hmm...
Uh...
I'm Eloise, by the way.
Who are you?
Huck.
Huck?
No one's really
named Huck somebody jealous... Okay.
Huck, we are in a grand
ballroom full of tables.
I'm at the very worst one.
Would you care to join me?
I shouldn't.
Sure.
Oh, seriously?
Yeah.
Oh, God, you're not
somebody's date in there, are you?
No.
Because you're not at a table.
You're crashing the wedding?
You gotta stay for the food.
Oh, do I?
Yeah, that's why people come
to weddings. For free food.
Oh, is that so?
Yeah.
And to meet somebody.
Hello? Hello? Hey, everybody.
Best man.
Best man, toast time.
Yeah.
Yeah. Now, I got a few things
that I'd like to say.
Well, it's hard to believe
any relationship
that had its start at
McCormick's 80s Karaoke Night
could possibly
amount to anything
more than a one-night
stand...
but it did and here we
are and it's perfect.
I guess, you know,
to ail those who
want to see how it's done,
how people can and should be
there for each other,
look no further than table one.
You're a better couple
than we've seen
in our family in along,
long time.
So, yeah, in honor of that
I've got a few things
I'd like to say about love.
This friend of mine, Clarence,
once stood up during lunch period
and said he had something
to say about love.
Then he took a dump
on the table.
When Francie first met Doug,
she just always knew
that he'd never let her down.
But I thought
people almost
always let you down,
so where did that come from?
Maybe she realized that
whenever he did let her down,
maybe shew just be always
ready to forgive him.
Whoo!
Come on up here, Nikki.
Save me, please.
I don't know
what I'm saying anymore.
Maid of honor toast time!
Oh...
Let's go.
What?
She's none of our business.
Who knows what that girl
will do to herself?
We don't, because we don't
know anything about her.
She's temperamental.
She hasn't had a drink
and now she's puked up
mini hotdogs.
Do none of you care that that
girl is obviously pregnant?
What?
Huh?
You children are
such a disappointment.
Go away, please.
You're right. Teddy Millner
was always rotten.
You don't know me.
No' he was selfish,
rude, mumbling.
Always mumbling.
In love with whatever toy
his mother got him
until she got him a new one
and then he just moved right on.
Please go away. Please.
I got his sister Francie
a bird that I found
at a Chinese gift store
in New York City.
Well, Teddy got jealous.
So the next time
I was in New York,
I went out of my way,
skipped a blind date
my aunt tried to set me up on...
Please get out.
Skipped a date,
to find Teddy the same
bird his sister cherished.
Well, he played with it
for one day!
I never saw the bird again.
My whole life might have been
something else
if I'd gone on that date.
But what's done is done.
No. Wait.
I know what happened.
He ended it with a text message
when you told him
you were pregnant.
Oh...
Jesus!
Never doubt a nanny's intuition.
It's true?
Yes.
Can everybody just
get out of here, please?
So what do we do?
What do you mean,
"What do we do?"
To teach that asshole a lesson.
Oh, Lord.
No, I don't want to do anything
that will jeopardize my freedom
to run my successful business.
That's right.
Let's just please go back
to the table before
they think we've left.
What do you care what
anyone here thinks, Bina?
Stop. That was
an overreaction, okay?
I had too many of
the mini hotdogs and...
Can we just forget about it?
That won't be easy.
Teddy Millner is leaving you
to raise a child alone.
If you even go...
Oh, my God.
If you even go through
with the pregnancy.
Okay, no. This is
no one's business, okay?
We're going back to the table.
Let's get out of
the ladies' bathroom.
Francie's still my friend, and
I'm not gonna mess up her day
by doing something
to her dumb brother.
What if Francie
never needs to know?
Jerry, stop. She said
she's done with it.
Well, no.
No. For once, I'm not gonna do
the thing I immediately regret.
Renzo, if I gave you
a couple hundred bucks,
could you get a hooker
to wait in Teddy's room?
Oh, I was asking the hotel that very
same question about my own room.
I don't want to get
involved with hookers.
They don't provide them.
You guys probably already know
this, but that's not a question
you're supposed to ask
a fancy place like this
unless you're
a successful businessman.
Which I am.
Are you okay?
You looked like you got sick.
I'm fine. Please get lost.
Excuse me.
Hello. Jerry Kepp.
Diner associate
on the Grotsky side.
Hello.
Did you or did you not
dump this girl
after getting her pregnant?
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, what's going
on now? I'm just...
I never did like you,
not even as a child.
Teddy Millner, did you dump
this girl immediately
after she told you
she was pregnant?
Okay.
You didn't tell them
what you said.
Wait, what did you say?
What did I say?
She said that we'd be
ridiculous parents.
No, I... Not like that.
Yes, you did.
You said I'd be
a ridiculous father.
You asked me
if I wanted to keep it.
Then I asked you if you
would want to keep it
and you didn't say
anything to that.
So then I said
we were ridiculous.
Il was after
you called me ridiculous
because why would you
want to keep our kid
if you thought
that I was just a...
That I was just a joke?
It was before.
And you were looking
for a way out, man!
I get that now.
Everyone we know says
we were wrong together.
Your mother wouldn't
stop saying that
I was not the kind of girl
who ended up with you.
And when it was time for you to
stand up and say that she's wrong
and they' re all wrong and
they're idiots and stand by me,
then you ask me
if I want to keep it.
That's your first question.
What was I supposed to say, El?
I constantly disappoint you.
Then you tell me
that you think our kid
will grow up thinking
that I'm just a joke.
That I was never
good enough for you.
And you finally found
a way to tell me.
And I was so scared
of losing you that
when you told me
you were pregnant,
I asked if you
wanted to keep the kid.
I'm ridiculous
in a million ways.
I am. I know that
But I can't spend my whole life
disappointing you
as much as I disappoint myself.
Shit.
I'm sorry.
Hey, stop.
Teddy! Stop! Teddy!
Leave me alone.
No, Teddy!
No, he doesn't get...
Oh.
Oh, my God.
No, we can fix this.
We can fix this. No, Teddy.
On!
Oh! I'm sorry.
I've been hit.
- Oh...
- Shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
But I'm ridiculous?
Shake ii up
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Let's go. Thank you.
Shake ii up
Shake ii up
Yeah, shake it up
Oh...
You want me to call Mr.
Manny on these people?
I have a confession to make.
I'm not actually
a successful businessman.
I was in prison because I stole
$125,000 from
the father of the bride.
It was not a table of honor.
I have a bag of dope in my room.
Room 115 for the dope
in case any of you feel that
a bag of dope
would be fun to do.
Not you.
And not you.
You two can drop by and choose
something from the mini fridge.
That was the worst invitation to
anything I've ever received, ever.
Is your room this way?
Or are you just following us?
Who, me?
Just following.
Honestly, it stiff sounds
better than junior prom, honey.
Junior prom is a honor show.
Well, if the thinking was for me
to see people at their most happy,
I would have to say that seems
to be a huge miscalculation.
Did you just break
another chair?
What kind of nanny are you?
Retired.
Wow, the last time
Jerry and I did this
was the last time
Jerry and I had sex.
Three... Actually,
over three years ago.
But no one's counting.
Oh, thank you.
You don't have to do this.
It might be best.
If Uncle Roger finds out,
he might tell my parole officer
and then they'd
send me back to jail
or extend my time
at the halfway house.
I share a room with a man
called Jalapeno
who has a smiley face tattooed
on the end of his penis
so that when he pees
it looks like
it's vomiting sunshine.
He's not as sweet as he sounds.
Well, then you shouldn't do it.
Jalapeno doesn't sound like
a good roommate.
No.
I don't know, unless Uncle Roger
is lurking around outside the
door, I mean...
ls it Uncle Roger?
Nope.
Hi.
I just wanted to say sorry.
I take things too far.
Usually, I'm the only
one who gets hurt,
but it didn't work out like
that today, so I'm sorry.
Join us.
Or do you have
somewhere else to be?
No.
You know, a whole table
disappeared from a wedding
and I bet no one even knows.
We can go anywhere, do anything.
The day is ours.
Hello. My name is Walter
and I'm a successful pothead.
I'm smoking the reefer.
Who smokes pot?
Are you a potter?
- No.
- No?
You're a pothead.
You got a table
with a Jot of your friends
Waitin' for your ship to come in
Folks like me on the job
from nine to five
Concierge, please.
Hi.
Um, can you tell me
when the next ferry arrives?
In about 30 minutes.
Okay. Thanks.
There's a dog in your bathtub.
See? That's what I
mean about hotel bathtubs.
You know, marriage is
till death do us part.
What does that mean? Does that
mean you're gonna get to heaven
and men you'll be single,
and then do whatever
you want at that point?
Maybe.
Nobody knows
what happens after you die.
You are Romeo and Juliet.
And we all wish you
the same happy ending;.
Congratulations,
and best of luck.
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be a magician.
I always wanted to be
a nightclub singer.
Fiction writer.
Now I own a diner.
Bina took over
her family's diner.
And I got suckered
into managing it
after we got married
just like she wanted.
Like I wanted?
Who else would've wanted that?
You asked my father
if you could.
You renamed the family
diner after yourself.
That was your idea.
What?
Uh-huh.
I wanted to be a high school guidance
counselor but instead I went to prison.
You made the right decision.
How did you steal
all that money?
Right. Yeah, well, uh...
Roger got me a job in his office
when he worked
for the Ford Motor Company.
I'm quite good with numbers,
so I worked out a way
to steal $125,000.
So I did.
What did you do with it?
Oh, it wasn't for myself.
My friend Eric, who's an absolute
sweetheart, a lovely bloke,
his wife was very sick
and needed an operation.
Well, then you saved a life.
No. Because it turned out she
wasn't as sick as we thought.
On account of the fact
she didn't exist.
I don't think
he'd ever been married.
What?
He made it up
just for the money.
You just called him
a sweetheart!
He was a lovely bloke.
He was always nice to me.
Except for when he made me
go to prison.
Renzo.
Yeah, what?
What's with the fur tie?
Oh, thank you.
It's pretty dumb.
No, come on.
Yeah, it is. It is.
My mom believed it would
ever so slightly
convey my sexual prowess.
Clonk.
Terrible parents were
my bread and butter.
Remember that suit
I was wearing earlier?
The chaplain from the halfway
house got me that from Goodwill.
And then now I'm wearing
the suit of a beautiful lady.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
You wear it well.
No. I look all right.
Wait. Why didn't
your dad stop you?
Well, this is my dad's,
actually.
He's dead now, which is
why I get to wear it. So...
Did he say...
Yeah.
Sorry for laughing
about your dead dad.
Hey, no... Guys, no.
It's not all that.
I barely knew the guy, so...
Strangers die
all the time, right?
I mean, 150 people
die every second.
150 people right there.
Can't get worked up over it.
You know?
Better?
No, not really.
Thank you for trying.
My junior prom is tonight.
But my mom said I'd
probably have a better chance
here where nobody knew me, so...
I would have danced with you.
Now, in high school, I certainly
would have danced with you.
And if you want to dance now,
we can just turn on
the radio and just dance.
I don't think so, but thank you.
You smiled
You smiled
And men the spell was cast
Now here we are in heaven
'Cause you are mine
At last
Fuck.
Here, Ringo! Here, Ringo.
Wonder how my daughter's
gonna feel not having a dad?
Daughter?
Yeah.
I mean, I know it's too early
to know, but... I know.
Well, I have a request
Don't call her Jo.
I met you today and you think I'm
gonna name my daughter after you'?
No, of course not.
I've been a nanny to a lot
of children who've grown up
and if they don't see fit...
I really just wanted
to volunteer that
Jo is a good enough
name for a boy,
but a terrible curse for a girl.
Now let's see, a girl's name...
The only girl's name I can
think of right now is Nikki.
Well, it won't be Nikki, so...
Look, it's a wedding
I won't ruin.
I should go back in.
Tell Francie about the cake.
Let's sit out
for a little while.
The world feels
almost perfect right now.
Crap!
That's cool.
I'm cool.
I know why you came!
You love weddings? Please.
You couldn't get through
our wedding day fast enough.
It's funny it took me
so long because honestly,
Bina, I didn't think you had
it in you to surprise me.
Okay.
Yeah.
You're many things, Bina, but
surprising is not one of them.
When you went to the bathroom in the
nanny's room, you used the phone.
Uh-huh.
I know this because
a little light came on
in the bedroom
when you did that.
Okay.
So, who did you call, Bina?
You only know two people at this
wedding and I'm one of them.
You're arranging to meet with Henry
Grotsky after the wedding's over?
Hmm? Maybe back
in the ballroom
after the happy couple is gone
and I'm upstairs in the room?
You're gonna sell our diner
to Henry Grotsky.
You don't out-detective me,
Bina Kepp.
I came to have an affair.
Ha-ha.
No way. I know you.
Bina, an affair?
Bina!
Walter, would you come
with me, please?
Yeah. I'm flattered.
Good bye.
Good bye.
I should just let you
know that I've got
a little bit of eczema
behind my knees.
And, um, oh, last year
I had a cold sore,
but that was because Jalapeno
was using my washcloth.
And not just on his face.
But, yeah, otherwise,
I'm all fine so
just let me know when you want
to start the intercourse.
What?
What?
What?
Sorry, why am I here?
Not that.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
But no.
No?
Was it talking about Jalapeno
washing his testicles
that ruined the mood?
Um... Sure.
How bad is it?
Pot.
It's medicinal, right?
We could open our own
ladies' detective agency.
Put Mr. Kepp out of business.
How bad?
Oh, I'd say that
I'm due around
the same time you are.
So?
What did he say?
He said that I should be
in the Woodside
ballroom serving hors d'oeuvres
because they're
understaffed, apparently.
Did you have a chance
to ask the thing
I sent you over there for?
Oh, yes. Yes. Denny,
who's that man there,
he said that there's
no one registered
under the name you asked about.
Huh. Did you say
the right name?
Yeah, Denny. It's on his Woodside.
I saw it.
Right. Not him.
Oh, Fo, yes.
I said Torn Fo. "ls there
a Tom Fo here?", I said.
And he said...
He said, "No."
Okay. Right.
No Fo.
Yeah.
Sorry.
God, that's so weird.
Walter?
Yes.
Where are you going?
I gotta go and help with
the hors d'oeuvres
in the Woodside ballroom.
Why?
Understaffed.
So, you're not the friendliest
guy in the world.
I am noi.
How did you manage
to seduce Bina?
Bad timing? It is bad
timing, I realize that now.
If I tell you this, will
you stop walking with me?
Not sure.
It was summer camp.
I was a junior counselor.
She was a senior counselor.
Honestly, Renzo,
it's no big secret.
Camp does most of the seducing.
Less often than you think.
Oh.
Well, for me,
I was okay at dancing.
Probably better than okay.
So we danced.
And that's it.
That's all it takes.
Find out the one thing
you're good at,
make sure the girls
know about it.
Even if it's something
very private?
My understanding of women
seems poor rig ht now.
I'd say go with your gut.
Ah...
Francie doesn't even
remember me, does she?
Ah, those rotten kids.
What did you
ever see in that boy?
I can't even think about it.
What if you came here
for a different reason today?
What if you went away
with someone better?
What if I know how to find
your wedding Crasher?
Go with your gut. Go with your gut.
Go with your gut.
Megan-Ann, Mr. Pfaffler,
you probably don't remember me.
We're not going to
talk about it.
Of course not.
Let's just watch the kid
in his moment of triumph.
There is something I forgot to mention
the first time I arrived here,
and that is that I
have a gigantic penis.
Excuse me?
Oh, my God!
Oh...
Oh, shit.
That's disgusting. This
wedding is over for you.
I need you to give me
the phone number of somebody
that I can call to get you out
of here right now.
Oh! Mmm-mmm.
So... Mr. Pfaffler
said he's gonna call my morn.
And the girl?
She started to cry.
I think I didn't
describe it appealingly.
We'll work on the wording
before you try again.
You're coming with me.
Hello, friend.
Just stay right there.
Is this the guy you meant?
Nope. I'm pregnant
with his baby,
but not the guy I'm looking for.
Wow. One cigarette break and
you miss an awful lot, right?
On. This guy?
That guy, this guy.
Huck something.
Yeah. I know who that guy is,
but his name is not Huck.
No Lane's really named
Huck anymore.
Oh, shit.
Right.
Okay, let's go.
Come on!
Yeah.
Only you are my shining star
Dom you go away
Yeah, baby
Wanna be right here
where you are
Until my dying day
Yeah, baby
Nice bit of cake?
Oh, Nanny Jo, everybody...
Sorry it's taken us
so crazy long to get here.
We're so glad
you could all make it.
You're the Kepps, right?
Yeah.
My morn says
your fries are better
than the ones in
all of my dad's diners.
Well, that's not what I thought
I'd leave with here today,
but it's something,
so thank you.
Sure.
We hope it all
works out for you.
It'd be great if it did.
Cousin Walter?
I'm glad you could come.
Thank you for inviting me.
It was simply amazing.
Truly wonderful day.
Oh, thank you.
Ah.
He's such a great guy.
Yeah.
Sorry about being
so far away from you today.
No.
I felt like we weren't even
in the same place, you know?
No. It's the same wedding no matter
what table you're at, right?
Yeah.
I'm so glad you came over because
I was just saying I'm so tired.
Gonna head out.
Oh. Okay. Yeah.
Okay, so...
You look so beautiful.
Thank you.
And congratulations
or best wishes
or whatever
you're supposed to say.
And this was great.
Bye, guys.
Have a good night.
Hey.
I know I'm probably
the last person
in the world you ever
want to see again.
And I get that.
Totally understand.
And it will probably suck
for you to have to
see me again
under any circumstances
which is why
I wanted to say that
whatever happened between
us and however it ended
I think, you know,
I could be a really good dad,
probably, if you'll just...
If you'll let me.
So, that's it.
Good bye.
What are you doing?
I don't know how you fixed this,
but it really meant a lot.
Well, it's been so great
to catch up with you all.
I hope you all got to dance
to your heart's content.
Do you still have
the golden bird?
Oh, Nanny Jo.
You don't even
remember it, do you?
No, of course I do.
I don't know why I should
be embarrassed about this,
but I lost it almost immediately
after you gave it to me.
I cried so hard
Teddy gave me his.
He was always good like that.
Francie, we should go.
Okay.
Thanks again for coming,
everyone.
It wouldn't have been
the same without you.
Please proceed to the docks
to see off
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas Grotsky.
What is it with you people?
Teddy Millner is the sweetest
child I've ever known.
- Teddy!
- Teddy!
I don't see him.
Did he get on? Teddy!
Teddy!
Teddy!
Oh, my God!
Wait!
Too late! Sorry!
I was wrong!
What?
It's crazy!
It is! It so is!
It's crazy!
After everything.
Sweetheart,
you're embarrassing yourself!
Shut up, Nikki!
Shut up.
What?
I can't not be in love with you.
You screw up all the time.
But so do I. Way worse!
Great toast, folks!
Goodnight!
The baby's a screwup!
Perfect, thank you.
The baby is a...
Wait, what baby?
It's a great screwup!
It's this perfect screwup!
What?
I don't want to be disappointed
by anybody but you!
And I don't want to
disappoint anybody but you.
What are you saying?
Please.
It was Tom Fo, wasn't it?
What does it matter who?
Doesn't matter, not at all.
I just like being
a good detective.
Gives me something.
Well, he never showed up,
so it really doesn't matter who.
You know what they say?
Showing up is 90% of love.
Yeah, and not being an
asshole is the other 10%.
He didn't show up. I did.
No, you didn't
Neither did I.
And the people we were
supposed to become together,
they never showed up.
Was there ever a time you
would have done that for me?
Just, like, shout out
across a lake at me,
in front of a bunch
of strangers,
about how you
really felt about me?
We shout at each other in front
of strangers all the time.
I'll take that as a no.
Would you do that for me?
Well, the you then or you now?
I'm the same.
No, I'm the same.
No, not really.
The Bina I married
would never cheat on me.
Well, the Jerry I married...
What?
What?
The Jerry you married what?
How am I different?
Because I'm not.
So stop saying I am.
It's not fair.
The Jerry I married loved me.
Yeah, that's what
I thought. Okay.
We're ridiculous.
We're ridiculous?
Yeah, everyone
is ridiculous, Jerry!
Okay? You deal with it
'cause you have to!
Do you?
Yeah, you do! That's life!
You're ridiculous and a mess!
And you still hope that
you'll find someone
who'll think that you're
okay enough to beloved.
Is that what life is?
Yeah, it is.
And it's really weird that
you don't know that by now!
Where are we?
Guys?
Where did they go?
That's the wrong way.
Well, I don't know
which way we're going.
Wasn't there a shortcut here?
We missed it.
I showed up.
Oh, I heard what you said
to the dumb girl at table seven.
Well, I didn't word it right.
No, you're okay.
Congratulations.
Uh...
Hey, I got these.
Room 430.
Maybe in a couple of years.
Wait, really?
Okay, it's booked.
A few years from now.
Room 430. I'll be there!
I'll see you
in a couple of years!
Yes!
Hey.
Is there anything left?
Not unless you count the lingering
melancholy that once was joy.
She means cake.
Oh. Then, yeah.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Oh!
Is it good?
Yeah, really good.
Oh, shit.
What did you say?
Oh, my Lord!
Holy shit!
What did you say
back there? It was...
What did you do?
It was hard to hear,
you know, with, like,
the wind and Nikki
in my ear, and then,
when I got on the railing,
everybody started shouting.
And then underwater, you can't,
like, hear anything underwater.
But it sounded like,
you know,
you were getting
to something good.
Um...
Uh... It was like
about how, if you're, shit,
ready to be, like, the person
who always forgives me,
then I want to be the person
who always forgives you.
I don't know,
it was better than that.
That's really good.
Can we do that?
Let's do that.
Okay.
Moving forward
using all my breath
Making love to you
was never second best
I saw the world thrashing
a?! around your face
Never really knowing
ii was always mesh and lace
I'll stop the world
and melt with you
You've seen the difference
And it's getting better
all the time
There's nothing
you and I won't do
I'll stop the world
and melt with you
fives The kind which never hate
You should see
Dropped in a state
of imaginary grace
You should know better
I made a pilgrimage
to save this human's race
You should see
Goodnight, Mom.
Goodnight, Teddy.
Bye, Carol.
Thought you didn't have family.
The evidence is mounting up
against you, Walter.
Renzo, your study buddy is here!
Hey. Here's your mail.
Thanks.
Hi.
Please don't slam
the door, even for that.
Ringo?
You're gonna make him fat.
Oh, yeah, I am.
Well, we are.
Here you go, Ringo.
Okay, you're sure
you didn't forget anybody?
I told you a million times,
okay? I didn't forget anybody.
Sorry. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Okay, so this
is the last batch of.
Teddy, where's the baby?
Baby. on, man!
Come on, man.
I know, I'm sorry.
It's just, you know,
if you forget the baby...
I'm not sure
I believe you when you say
you didn't forget
any of our friends.
Hi!
Here he is.
Aw!
The world's best dad
when you don't forget
our baby in the empty apartment.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hello, my old heart
Hello, my old heart
Hello, my old heart
Hello, my old heart