1
You are unbelievable!
Ooh. Yes.
Mmm.
Yes.
Oh, I want you to be my unicorn.
- Chub!
- Oh, dad!
You're not masturbating all over
yourself again, are you?
I mean, is that any kind
of life to live?
I'm trying to have
some privacy here.
It is my room, for god's sake.
Just get a girlfriend, not that.
I am, dad.
I'm trying to get one.
- That's what I'm doing.
- That's what you're doing?
Well, I got to see
if I like her first.
Besides, didn't I catch you
doing the same exact thing?
Once. One time. And I didn't
like it in the least.
Right.
You didn't like it.
Nope.
Not for me.
Just get a girlfriend, will you?
Oh.
You're the one.
This is on.
It's happening.
- Hi, there.
- Cigarettes.
No. Gum.
- Any kind.
- Is that it?
So just the one gum
and, um, the... vodka?
- Vodka?
- Mm-hmm.
What are you saying?
We don't want any vodka.
We want one gum.
That's all, okay?
We don't drink.
Yeah, we hate it.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, I get it.
Wait. I saw you stuff it
into your purse.
It's that right... oh!
What time do you get off?
What time do you get off, baby?
Any time he wants, I bet.
Ooh!
We close at midnight.
Oh! Unh-unh.
- Make it 11:30.
- I can do that, yeah.
Make it 11, Amber.
I can't wait that long.
Okay. I can do that, too.
- 'Kay. 11.
- 'Kay.
Okay, 11.
I'm gonna be right here.
Keep the change.
Bye, papi.
Bye.
It smells like perfume!
Dude, do you mind
if I stick around?
Yeah, you should stick around,
'cause this is happening!
Yes!
This is happening.
- Hey, dad.
- Food in the freezer.
- What you got?
- Lasagna,
stuffed green peppers, sandwich.
In the freezer?
No, you idiot, the other side.
Whatever you call that side.
Well, that side's
the refrigerator, dad!
I know that.
Go some potstickers,
had some for lunch.
Excellent.
Mini burger things.
You know what I mean.
You mean sliders?
If that's what you'd call them.
The freezer's empty, dad!
I don't know!
Check the pantry.
Do I have to think
of everything?
Yes?
Come in!
Do I have to do
everything around here?
Holy smoley, bone!
How many times
do I have to tell you?
Just come in.
I'm missing my movie.
I'm sorry, Mr. Moorhead,
but suppose I come in one day
and you're just
walking around naked?
Well, then you'd see
what a real man looks like.
What's with the laptop?
It's for checking stuff out.
What stuff?
Stuff!
- What you doin'?
- Jacking music.
Oh, yeah.
I Jack all my music.
What kind of idiots
pay for that stuff?
Idiots do.
I jacked 15 movies yesterday.
Oh, yeah? Well...
I jacked, like, $10,000 of
software in 45 minutes yesterday.
Big deal. I own all
the software ever made.
Oh, yeah? Well...
I invented jacking,
and in some circles
I'm known as
bone the jackulator.
Maybe you invented jacking,
but I downloaded
the entire Internet!
It's not that big
if you compress it.
Yeah, the Internet is all about
gettin' stuff for free.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, what do you think
happened last night?
- About the babes?
- Yeah. I mean, we were...
Well, the only real explanation
is that they got
hung up somehow.
I mean, maybe...
Maybe they got the flu
or they needed to study
or......
You know,
maybe it's a rain check
kind of situation.
Oh, rain check's good, right?
It means we get the same
exact thing only later.
- Wait. What is this?
- What?
It's an email that says
"young, vulnerable Russian women
just got off the boat."
What's that mean?
It means that they were sailors.
They just got out of the
military, which is a good thing,
because they're probably
really horny.
All right, wait.
"Looking for young American men
for a long or short term
relationship."
Look at her!
Whoa! A babe!
We're doin' this right now.
Here we go.
Okay.
American male...
Looking for a long
or short term relationship
with Russian ex-sailor.
What's the downside?
There isn't one.
- It's her.
- What, already?
In, like, three seconds?
She's hot. I mean, she's
got to be hot or...
- Read it!
- Okay, I am.
"I'm available
as soon as you can meet."
Oh.
Where?
Meet her at McCloud.
Van nuys!
- But what do I do?
- Just meet her.
Meet her and I'll be
your wingman.
You're awesome! Yes!
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna meet her.
- What are you doing?
- The wingman dance.
- What is that?
- It's the wingman dance.
It's kind of awesome.
Can you teach me?
- Yeah. Just flap your arms.
- Flap my arms.
Yeah. Get that chest
involved a little bit.
- I got the chest going!
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna walk in there
and I'm gonna be like,
"what's up, lady?
I'm... I'm the wingman!"
No, no.
You're not the wingman.
I'm the wingman.
You're the man-man.
Two more "jackuitars."
- Thanks.
- Can I get you anything else?
- Uh, we're good.
- Yeah.
Great.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go
sit over there.
I think it's better
if we're not together.
- 'Kay.
- Yeah.
Now, just watch my back,
'cause in case, you know,
it's a scam
or an attempted
strong-arm robbery, 'Kay?
- 'Kay.
- Got it. Boom.
All right, I got this.
Whew. Oh!
I forgot my drink.
- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.
Yeah, it's good.
Good choice.
I got this. All right.
Here we go.
- Chub?
- Yes?
It's me,
your Russian dream girl.
Oh.
So happy!
I don't exactly recognize you.
Easy mistake. So easy.
So happy you came.
You like to come, chub,
don't you?
You like that a lot.
You are the kind of man
that can come and come.
There's a problem going on here.
There was you in the email,
and then there's...
You in person.
Why talk about such
meaningless things, chub?
Why?
I want you to enjoy me.
Okay.
But first...
We must make
the normal arrangements.
- Arrangements?
- Yes.
I must hear your specific needs
so I can give you a fair price.
I don't get it.
You know,
it's like buying a car.
You want automatic transmission?
It costs more.
You want big strong engine?
It's more.
It's only fair.
Now, tell me.
- Uh-oh.
- I give...
It's my father.
I got to...
He just calls
and he has no respect at all.
At such important moments
like this?
So you ran out of beer,
and stuffed peppers
and some lasagna.
The teeny tiny little burnt...
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
Mm.
Man, I got some
really, really bad,
- out of the blue news.
- What is that, my chub?
My dad, he needs a few things
from the grocery store
and he's not good at waiting,
so I'm just gonna...
- I'm gonna...
- No...
- No, I'm gonna go.
- No! Wait.
There's time for quickie.
Whew! No. No, no, no.
No quickie.
I'm good.
- But...
- Nothing else to be said.
- No.
- It's great.
Hello!
My I help you?
Probably.
Anything.
Let your imagination
run wild, my dear...
Your name?
Bone.
How appropriate.
I hate my life.
What? Why?
What... what are we doing?
We're not guys anymore.
We are in the last stages
of being just guys.
- What?
- Are you listening to me?
We are not guys anymore!
We have no money.
We got crappy jobs,
no girlfriends.
I'm living with my dad,
and you, you're...
You're hooking up with a
50-year-old Russian ex-sailor
and liking it.
Hey, it could be worse.
- How?
- We could be older.
We will be... soon.
And then what?
Well, then it will just be
the same as now, but then.
That's the problem.
Now becomes then.
Wait a minute.
If all of these babes
post selfies free...
And they do!
They would definitely
do it for money.
- What do you mean? -We are
gonna run a selfie contest
with a gigantic mega prize.
Best selfie, as judged
by us, wins $500.
No, no. We're gonna...
We're gonna make it $1,000.
That's stupid.
We don't have $1,000.
See? That is where
my genius kicks in!
We are gonna charge them $15
to submit their selfie.
To win the thousand dollars?
Bingo! And as we rack up
the selfies at $15 per,
we will rake in
the customized selfies!
- Do you get it?
- Yeah.
And then all the $15
become the $1,000
grand prize, right?
Double bingo! See?
Here is where
my genius really kicks in!
Once we make more than $1,000,
we're gonna be in the black...
Or the red,
depending on how you look at it.
And we're gonna get
selfie girlfriends
and we're gonna move out!
That is what
I call intelligence.
It's foolproof!
We are calling it
the "selfie shootout."
Any babes yet?
No.
The idea's not that great.
Holy mother of all that is
sweet and "voluptuous!"
- What? -Selfie in... paid.
And she's hot.
I can see her, too!
It works.
How can we not get rich?
Oh, we can.
Or is it "can't"?
How can we not
get our own place?
Can and can't?
How can we not get girlfriends?
Can and can't.
How can we not become happy?
- Can and can't!
- Oh, it's perfect.
The mother lode.
- But wait.
- What?
Can we monopolize this idea?
I mean, others can Jack it.
Then what?
We can't have competition.
O.M.G.
You mean other people could Jack
our idea and not pay us for it?
Yeah, there's thieves lurkin'
all over the Internet.
- Hate that! -We need a
monopoly and a copyright.
- We can get both, right?
- Yeah. Yeah!
Need it.
Need it a.S.A.P.!
- Now what?
- I'll do the thinkin',
and you...
You do the legwork.
- How?
- Idiot.
You can only
get a monopoly one way.
You search the Internet.
I mean, there is a process.
You both are idiots.
Everything's not
on the Internet.
It's not?
No.
In order to get a monopoly,
you need to go directly
to the government.
Now they control who gets a
monopoly and who doesn't.
- Okay. -You know, my
brother's a congressman.
I probably could get
an appointment with him.
I mean, god knows
he owes me a favor or nine.
Your twin brother brother?
- Yeah.
- How come I've never met him?
We haven't gotten along
in decades.
- Why is that?
- Well,
just a little sibling rivalry.
- About what?
- None of your business.
All right.
Now, he owes me,
and it's time to collect.
I thought you didn't drink.
Anything else?
Gum?
What is this?
An inquisition?
No, I was just, um...
Do you do selfies?
- Excuse me?
- Do you take selfies?
Idiot.
Everybody takes selfies.
Well, we're gonna have
a selfie contest,
and you can win a thousand
if you have the best selfie.
- How much?
- A thousand large.
- A thousand large?
- Mm-hmm.
A million dollars?
No. Not a million.
That would be ridiculous.
No, um, a thousand.
You mean one large.
Yeah.
Just one selfie, though?
No mas?
It's got to be sexy,
'cause I'm the judge.
Oh! Oh,
you're the judge?
Me.
Okay.
How do I win?
Well, I am partial
to selfies taken
from the... the front.
From the front.
You know, well, um...
The top front.
You know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
Anything else?
No. I think that covers it.
Just go to
selfieshootout.Tv.
Hmm.
I'll think about it.
But it's not easy
to take a selfie, you know?
Is there anything yet?
Ah, it's the babe
from the store.
From the store?
- Hola.
- Hola.
You remember me?
Who's this?
It's the guy
from the liquor store.
The selfie judge.
Oh!
You get my selfie?
Yeah, and it was right
on the money.
Am I the winner?
Uh...
You could be.
But I did what you wanted.
Could we meet up?
What? Why?
Well, you see,
it's my experience
that a face immensely helps
in the decision-making
process.
But you've seen me already.
Yeah, but I kind of
need a refresher.
Okay, maybe we could party
with some of my girlfriends.
Oh! Is this working or what?
She wants to party.
Okay?
What are you even asking me?
Sure.
Uh, maybe a hot tub party
at my place.
We'll order, have it catered,
and don't forget
your credit card, okay?
- Ten!
- Ten total selfies.
That's $150!
The mother lode!
- Selfies.
- Check 'em out.
So nice!
What? Wait.
What is that.
No, it can't be.
Another one.
There's two more!
Yeah, I see 'em, too.
How did these guys get on here?
We didn't say "female
selfies," just "selfies."
This guy's kind of
good-lookin'.
I mean, he's okay, uh, right?
For a dude?
Stop it.
Just stop it.
I mean, you would
jump a bullfrog
if it smiled at you.
Wait.
Oh, I'm gonna fix it.
- How?
- We'll post "ladies only."
But we're not really lookin'
for ladies, are we?
Not really.
Then "girls only."
Ehh, is that offensive?
"Girls"? Could be,
in some quarters.
But let's just call
a horse a horse.
Babes.
We're lookin' for babes.
So we're posting
"babes only."
- Is that legal? -You mean,
are we discriminating?
Yeah, we could
go to jail for that.
- For posting "babes only"?
- Probably.
Let's just delete the men
like they never existed.
And then if anybody asks us,
we'll just... we'll swear
we didn't...
We didn't delete anyone.
I don't know. Yeah.
Only you and me will know.
Ha ha!
Yeah!
So this is what a rain check
is all about!
- Boom...
- Ow!
- Sorry.
- I'm good, I'm good.
- What's up?
- Hop in.
All right.
- Yeah! -Oh, what a surprise!
I know you.
You're the liquor store guy.
You're kind of cute.
- Do remember me?
- How could I forget you?
Let's get started. Did you bring your
cell phone and your credit card?
Uh, for what?
The selfies?
- No! For the party.
- Oh.
- Liquor and stuff.
- I thought you didn't drink.
Ha! Silly guy.
- Here, I'll call.
- Oh.
Hi, we'd like to place an order.
Two case of champagne, Tequila.
Correct.
And some chips and nuts.
Oh! You just... bring...
Bring some more alcohol!
Yeah, yeah.
Get that selfie stick, too.
Champagne! Champagne!
Right there. Bring it.
Yeah, hi.
I wanted to order
three pairs of stilettos.
Yeah, one black, one red,
and then one pur...
Oh, do you have purple?
Purple.
Hi, I want everything
that she just ordered,
but in a size seven.
Okay, great! Thank you!
Hi! I need a size 12.
Yes, I said 12.
You gonna get up?
It's almost two
in the afternoon.
You got to be at work
in 15 minutes.
You're not in there
doing you know what,
that party you have
with yourself?
Oh, my god!
What are you doin'
to each other?
What? What?
What? Oh!
What did I do?
Oh, god, what did I do?
What?
You and I, we were...
We were cool last night, right?
No.
What?
Yeah?
Yes? We didn't...
- Didn't...
- No. No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
We... we're good.
Good.
Okay.
What is this?
What's that?
- No.
- What?
What is it?
It's from last night.
The credit card receipts.
I don't remember that.
Well, you signed for them
so it's on you!
Me? But you were there, too.
But you signed them.
$459, $227,
and $334 tip?
What? I believe in
rewarding good service.
This pluses to over $2,000.
- No.
- What?
It's an e-receipt
for $1,897.63!
- What?
- Shoes!
They bought shoes last night!
How much do we have
in the selfie account?
I don't know, exactly.
- Ballpark!
- Ballpark?
Not that much.
I should have never
have shared this idea with you.
It could have been all mine.
All of it.
I am so mad at you right now,
I can't even look at you!
Stop it!
Knock it off.
Will you stop
embarrassing yourselves
and me?
Go to work!
You got an appointment
with my brother tomorrow.
1:00 P.M.
can you make it?
Can you hear me?
Yes! Thanks, dad!
Shh!
- Dad?
- Dad?
Oh, you must chub, Ronnie's son.
Call me uncle Dan.
Nice to meet you.
I'm seeing you soon, right?
Lottery ticket.
Just one quick pick.
Nice to see you again.
What?
I'm just saying hi.
We met briefly.
Friends, yes?
Just friends.
That's it.
Only buy these when
the prize money gets big.
Really big.
That's my philosophy.
- So smart. So bold!
- How's that?
Well, what's
the point otherwise?
I know I'm gonna lose.
But when the money
gets really big,
it gets my attention.
I'll take a flyer for a buck.
Everyone does, right?
Well, that's how the prize money
gets really big.
Everyone buys.
Just human nature.
I hear you.
I do.
Ciao, chub.
Ciao... lady.
What the hell was that?
Just pretend like
we're stupid, okay?
- We'll get further that way.
- 'Kay.
We know nothing.
We are just your
average American idiots
lookin' for some
government help, 'Kay?
- 'Kay.
- On the same page?
- 'Kay.
- Good.
Breathe.
Oh!
Sorry to keep
you fellas waiting.
No, it's... it's okay.
Now...
So you're my nephew.
Of course, Ronnie's boy.
- Yeah. -So good to
chat with you, chub.
So how is Ronnie?
Good, I suppose.
- Little angry.
- Angry? What?
I made it and he didn't.
That's just the way
things work out.
- How? -Well, we ran against
each other for this seat,
and he lost.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
Well, it turned out people couldn't
tell the difference between us.
Happens all the time
in politics.
My name is
Daniel t. Moorhead.
His is Ronald t. Moorhead.
My name comes before him
on the ballot,
so I got 85% of the vote...
A butt-kicking.
Wow. That's... that's a lot.
So, you two are
my constituents, correct?
Mmm.
Good.
Give me a second here.
Ooh.
Do what you got to do.
I get it. Okay.
Okay.
You're our country's future.
- Yes, sir. We are that.
- Absolutely.
I understand
you're starting a business
- and you need a little help.
- Yeah, exactly.
- See, we've got a...
- We're just concerned
that while we have
a terrific idea...
- It's kind of awesome.
- And what's that?
- It's a contest. -Well, there's
nothing new about a contest.
What's it for?
It's a selfie contest.
We call it
the "selfie shootout."
- Selfies. -Yeah. See,
women take selfies
- in kind of, uh...
- A special way.
You know.
Yeah, a special way.
Nothing like a good selfie
now and then.
- No.
- Oh, yeah.
- Our thoughts exactly.
- True that.
So what's your concern?
Well, someone might Jack it.
- Jack it?
- Well, steal it.
Yeah, any competition
at this point
would be a big problem.
It would be a disaster.
You're worried
about Internet theft and...
What we need
is an idea monopoly.
An idea monopoly.
Yes. For example,
we know that
the oil companies...
- Monopoly. -And Internet
searching Goliath...
- A monopoly.
- And the cable companies...
Monopoly.
And now we know
that the government
- allows all this stuff.
- Correct.
I mean, it just
makes things, you know...
- More profitable.
- Exactly.
Yes, we just need to know
how to apply.
Is there an application form
or do you just write up
a personalized law
to get our
personalized monopoly?
Yeah, we're not
exactly sure on the, like,
what ifs and the how-tos
and the whatnots.
Well, boys, I don't exactly
know how it works myself,
but it probably involves
a little scratch my back stuff,
know what I mean?
Mmm, no.
I don't get it.
Pay for play.
- Uh, still don't get it.
- No.
Okay, let me tell you
how one of my friendly
constituents
- explained it to me.
- Okay.
If you want
an automatic transmission
or a big strong engine
when you buy a car,
it's more. Correct?
- It sounds familiar.
- And correct.
Well, you know,
if you're asking for a favor,
I mean, you know, time is money.
So that's pay for play.
- Kind of. Kind of not.
- What?
Have you boys contributed
to my reelection campaign?
I mean, that's a foolproof way
to do it every time.
Not yet, no.
But we're planning on it.
- Good to hear.
- 'Kay.
Now let me think.
Ahh.
Department of justice.
- Department of justice?
- Yeah.
That's the agency
that enforces federal law.
Kind of keeps
everything in check.
Keeps monopolies
safe and strong.
Well, that is exactly what
we're looking for, seriously.
- Good to meet you, chub.
- Oh.
And you.
And, boys, on the way out,
could you see
my assistant out there?
Little donation.
Big donation.
'Kay? Need that.
- Pay to play!
- Exactly.
Says here that the FBI
is part of
the department of justice.
Perfect. They must
actually be the exact ones
who enforce monopoly law.
Yeah, that's how I see it.
Enforcing monopoly law
is like enforcing the tax code.
It's like enforcing laws
against bestiality.
It is the most important
thing that they do.
Law enforcement, no doubt.
No doubt. I mean, where would
we be without monopolies?
Where would we be without
the FBI protecting them?
Chaos. There is way
too much competition.
And jacking our contest
is like theft, huh?
No, no.
It is theft.
Back to business.
Tough question here.
Now, what about the money?
The shortfall.
It's a problem, no doubt.
Well, I'm about to make
all things beautiful again.
I have an idea.
Yes, Mr. bone,
my genius is back!
We have stalled out.
- More selfies means mo' money, right?
- Correct.
Now, the congressman
came into the store yesterday
- with that Russian babe.
- She was with him?
- Irina?
- So?
So... nothing,
I suppose.
Anyway, he bought
a lottery ticket,
and he said that...
Hey, are you listening to me?
Focus.
Where was I?
Oh, here we go.
He said that
he only buys tickets
when the prize money
is really big.
Okay.
But she was with him, though?
Did it seem like she liked him?
Yes, yes. Oh, my god.
Will you just listen to me?
If we raise the cash prize,
we'll get more selfies.
Bigger lottery prizes
attract more ticket buyers.
Bigger prize money
attracts more selfies.
Ergo, mas dinero for us.
It's a vicious cycle.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
- How much bigger?
- $35,000.
Don't have it.
We didn't have the 1,000.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
But did it seem
like she liked him a lot?
Afternoon, Mr. Moorhead.
He's in the bedroom,
probably fiddling.
Will the fiddling ever end?
- Get over here.
- What's up?
Look at this.
Whoa.
A pure babe.
- So...
- Sophisticated.
And just the right
amount of naughty.
She is the perfect combination
of naughty and sophistication.
She is definitely a very,
very strong contender.
Yo, check the shopping cart.
- See how much today.
- Oh, okay.
- Even more?
- Wait.
$42,775 banked?
- I'm scared.
- I am, too.
Why are you scared?
Because we haven't met
with the FBI yet
and our monopoly
is in significant jeopardy.
That's exactly why I'm scared.
Afternoon.
How can I help you?
We recently met with
congressman Daniel t. Moorhead
and he recommended that
we speak to an agent here.
A very important
financial matter...
Monopolies, specifically.
Oh, well, we only deal
with federal, so...
This is a federal matter
of unique and urgent concern.
An emergency.
Well, did the congressman
make an appointment for you?
No. This is so huge
that an appointment
- would be, like...
- Inappropriate.
- Yeah.
- Inappropriate?
It's an emergency,
and emergencies
don't need appointments.
- Correct.
- Boom.
I mean, do you need
an appointment
for a hospital emergency room?
- The answer is no!
- Unh-unh.
Agent Miller,
I have two gentlemen here
who said they were referred
by congressman Moorhead.
By him personally.
Could you please say that?
They were referred by
him personally.
And we paid for play.
Could you tell
the agent that, too?
They're implying that they
paid the congressman for...
A government favor.
Mm-hmm.
A government favor.
Okay.
The agent will see you.
- That way.
- Okay.
Thank you for
meeting with us, sir.
We donated money to
the congressman's campaign.
Yes, we did.
And he said
that was the best way
to get a government favor...
A.K.A. Monopoly.
Yeah, fastest, safest, best.
Hello?
Sir, can you hear us?
I heard every word.
Please, take a seat.
Go on.
Hello!
- Hello.
- Hello, too.
So what is this
about pay to play?
Did he try to shake you down?
Oh, no, no, no.
We are fine with pay to play.
Yeah, we're fine with it.
It's a few bucks well spent,
we think.
You see, we have a really
remarkable idea for a contest,
and we're just concerned that
there might be some competition.
Yeah, so we just need a monopoly
before that nasty event.
We can't have competition.
We just can't.
So we need you
to enforce our monopoly
to eliminate
any unwarranted competition.
Yeah, to, like, thwart any
possible Internet thievery.
Correct. Yes.
Well, what is the idea?
Is this in strict confidence?
Sure.
Sure what?
We need to hear you say it,
that this is
in strict confidence.
You have to say it.
This is in strict confidence.
We started an online contest.
For what?
Um, best selfie contest.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Have you ever seen me before?
Kind of.
If it makes any difference,
you are a very,
very strong contender.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Very, very, very strong.
Chub here is particularly
in your corner.
- That's me.
- I am?
Mm-hmm.
Well, that is for the good,
I suppose.
Oh, but wait a minute.
Would it be possible
to continue this meeting
without you thinking about it?
It?
- The selfie.
- Um...
Mostly.
Um, off and on.
Okay, just tell me
what's going on.
So far we have taken in
over $42,000
in contest entry money.
- $42,000?
- Mm-hmm.
That's, like,
thousands of selfies.
And I'm a strong contender?
Oh, come on!
We are trying
not to think about you!
- Good, good.
- We're just worried
that someone might
steal our idea
and then they'll get
all the money.
- And the babes.
- And that would be bad.
So we need a monopoly on this.
I can't help you.
But why not?
My cable company?
I've only got one choice.
Monopoly!
Yeah, you see,
that is different.
That is guaranteed by law.
Bingo! That's...
That's what we need.
- Guaranteed by law.
- Okay, wait a minute.
I just want to go back to the
congressman and his money request.
She's a babe, but she doesn't
get monopolies in the least.
Yeah, what are we even
paying taxes for?
You pay taxes to pay
other peoples' salaries.
- And then they pay taxes, too?
- Obviously.
Unfortunately, chub,
it's a vicious cycle.
Right.
Ooh.
- Yeah?
- Chub Moorhead?
You got him.
This is Harris Williams
from rhinoceroz energy drinks.
Oh, I drink that myself.
We sell a ton of it
at the liquor store.
Yeah, I love
the all-day buzz,
'cause it really works.
Good, good.
This is the chub Moorhead
who runs "selfie shootout"?
Yes.
Some dude is calling
about the contest.
- Stealing it? -I'm gonna tell
him that we got a lawyer.
- Don't have one.
- Shh!
First off, you should know
that we are all lawyered-up.
Yes.
That's just a warning.
And we also have a very
good contact at the FBI.
Well, that's real good,
'cause I expect
to speak to your lawyer
about the contract
I'm fixin' to offer you.
Just remember,
we are very litigious.
Very. And we do not
take competition lightly.
Unh-unh. So you know what?
You need to listen up.
When we sue, we sue to get
your house and your car.
And your TV and your laptop.
Take it all! It's like
hitting the lottery!
Understood.
We heard about your contest,
and we'd like to be
your official sponsor...
And partner.
Sponsor?
Rhinoceroz energy drink
wants to sponsor our contest.
Perfect. I always wanted
to be sponsored.
Oh, bone.
You are so ambitious.
Bone, honey, I'm a little
worried about your weight.
Too much or not enough?
It's a sweet deal.
Rhinoceroz is offering $5,000
for worldwide rights
to "selfie shootout."
Does worldwide mean, like,
the whole world?
You all would keep the U.S.
Rhinoceroz would have
international.
Japan, parts of Africa,
Brazil, Denmark, United Kingdom,
a few others.
Canada.
Does rhinoceroz have a monopoly?
We're trademarked.
There's no monopoly.
Well, you might want to look
into getting one of those
- for, like, safety's sake.
- Yeah.
We'd rename
the international website
in our affiliate countries
"rhinoceroz selfie shootout,"
pow pow pow!
- Oh! I like the ring to that!
- It's great.
$5,000 for worldwide rights.
Uh, Mr. Williams, could we just
discuss this for, like, a minute?
Absolutely. I'll give you
cowboys some privacy.
- Take your time.
- Oh, you can stay.
It's just gonna take a minute.
I'm in.
It's free money.
Let's just think this through.
It's an opening offer
and I think I can get more.
Yes!
Nail that mother
to the wall. But, um...
- What?
- It's free money,
so we don't want
to lose out on that.
- No. -I'd be happy
with, say, $500.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay.
We have a counter!
Business is business.
I understand completely.
We have, of course, worked very
hard on "selfie shootout."
And we see immense upside
for rhinoceroz.
We do, too, hence the $5,000.
Well, then I think
we need the 5,000
and 25 cases of the beverage.
Delivered.
But we're not hard
on that number.
We're negotiable on that.
Totally. Totally.
That was correct.
$5,000 and 25 cases...
Delivered.
- Yes!
- Awesome!
It's me, Mr. Moorhead!
- Ooh.
- What?
Wow. Good look, there.
Chub bought it.
You really like it?
Oh, what can I say?
Sharp.
He's in the bedroom.
It's kind of not
working out like I thought.
The shootout?
- Yeah.
- What do you mean?
I thought we'd get some babes.
We are getting babes.
Tons.
And money. Tons.
No. Us personally,
you know?
Just for us.
And the money's kind of
stalling out.
Worrisome.
And you're right,
we haven't met any babes
since the hot tub party.
Do you think
they were just using us?
They're just snaps, like before.
I thought we'd,
you know, get girls.
- Wait a minute.
- Genius kicking in?
Kicked in! We need to start
thinkin' like a big box store.
That's kind of
what I was thinking, too.
Big box. How?
We need volume.
That's what we've been missing.
The hot tub party?
- That was small time.
- Meager.
Suppose we throw a really big
meet the judges party?
I'm talkin' big.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
But this time we control costs.
We charge them $5 at the door!
Yes! Money coming in!
We meet them in person,
and they'll like us
because they have to!
- Exactly.
- Oh!
I'm a genius.
- Selfie coming in.
- Yup.
Oh!
Please, just stop it.
Whew! What a babe.
Any more of her?
Hmm? Maybe. There.
Ooh, yes.
Best of breed.
Invite her.
Sorry about the interruption.
Rhino board of directors
asked me to personally see
what all these
selfies are about.
15 sites up and running
around the globe.
Well, let's see a few.
Hmm.
She's beautiful.
So how's that going?
- $24,625. Two days.
- Gold mine.
You got to know them Japanese
love their selfies.
An unbelievable
$179,125 in just two days.
Well, we all love selfies.
I know I do.
I... I'm wondering how much do
the Danes like their selfies?
Not as much as the Japanese,
but, hey,
it's a smaller country.
$32,025 in 48 hours.
Well, per capita that's...
That's pretty damn good.
And our liability
in each of these countries?
- The... the prize money?
- Nothin'.
- Nothing?
- Yep.
How can that be?
Nice little contract we have.
The boys are covering
the $35,000 grand prize.
We have all
the international rights,
as in all
the international income.
Genius, geni...
Ah, say, are there
any other selfies?
Oh. My personal favorite,
Brazil.
It's like them Brazilian babes
were just made for selfies.
I couldn't agree more.
I'm going to need .Jpegs
of all of these.
Hi-rez only.
For the files, you understand.
Oh.
Oh, yes. Oh.
Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Selfies italiano per favore.
Here you go.
Ahh! Holy cannoli.
I'd like to smear
some ricotta cheese
on her tasty little rump.
Grr.
'Kay, mom, just make sure
you're collecting the $5.
I know, I know.
Go, go, go.
$5 includes a free drink.
- Your name sweetie?
- Abby.
- Abby. Best of luck.
- Thanks.
- Next name?
- Bolivia.
How do we get our extra points?
See our sons
the judges back there?
You kiss there ass
for maximum points.
Does this include snacks?
Of course it does, Bolivia.
What can I tell you?
Our sons, they hate money,
but they love
their little selfies.
Next? Name?
Lakeisha.
Oh, honey,
how do you spell that?
Like it sounds.
Right.
There you go.
Next?
Nicole.
Can you tell me
where are the judges?
They're back there.
There you go.
$5!
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Well, look at you.
Aren't you something?
Oh, thanks.
Got a special
invite from the judges.
Not gonna lie.
Here for the extra points.
Here, let's snap a few.
Ooh! Oh, okay.
Oh.
5 bucks?
What a deal!
They have to be taking a lot.
Or getting a tax write-off.
Ooh, if they need
a tax write-off,
that means they're really rich.
So smart, losing money.
Crazy smart.
Um, chub said we all get
some, uh, extra free drinks?
Ooh!
Well, whatever chub says goes.
You're such a tramp.
Oh, they can afford it.
Losing money is smart
for rich people.
All right, girls!
To the bar we go!
Take care of these
lovely ladies.
Give 'em whatever they want.
Oh! What's up, ladies?
How are you?
Oh, are those the shoes
that we bought you?
Yeah, they are, sweetie.
Thank you so much.
Oh, yes, thank you so much.
We love them.
You two are so sweet.
- Oh, we're so sweet?
- Yes.
Yeah, baby.
You said we could.
- We did?
- We were drunk.
- And they are babes.
- You know what?
It's no problem!
It's our pleasure!
Yeah, wear 'em in good health.
And guess what?
You both are contenders!
What? Shake 'em!
Shake 'em, shake 'em!
- Yes!
- Love it!
I love my life!
I need a drink!
Thank you!
- Bottle of champagne.
- Me, too.
It's so generous of the guys.
Let's go see them.
Want a drink?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm Abby.
You're so hot.
I know. It is
sweltering in here.
No. No!
Your essence.
Hey.
- Hey, Abby.
- Yeah, this is Abby.
- I know!
- Got to be honest here.
- For the extra points.
- Not for the drinks?
Drinks! Me!
Drinks! Me!
If you want extra drinks,
just tell them that chub
told you all right!
Give this selfie queen
an extra ten points.
- Whoo!
- I want all the points!
Whoo! Wait a minute!
17 over there!
What about me?
How many do I get? Huh?
Rosa gets 50 extra bonus points!
- I love you, Rosa!
- 45.
- 39.
- Yeah!
- Uh-oh!
- 45.
Mindy!
- 12!
- And me?
How many points do I get?
Dance off!
yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Did you see that
babe last night?
Which one?
The babe-est.
The one in the green
sequined dress.
Mmm.
Mmm.
She was not my type.
Oh, I liked her a lot.
I would give her minus points.
Ah, you can't minus points her.
- I gave her 369.
- Points?
- Mm-hmm. -How are we
judging this anyways?
I don't remember who I gave
points to or how many.
Did we get laid last night?
- I doubt it.
- Are you sure?
Mmm, 90% sure?
And if we did, it doesn't count
since we don't remember it.
- Good point.
- Yep.
Not remembering is like
it never happened.
But wait,
I don't remember my babyhood,
but I had one.
Okay.
Oh, man.
I would love to get
my jetpack blasted
by that green dress babe.
Mm-mmm, mm-mmm, mmm!
What do you think?
Unh-unh.
She's all yours.
Boys! Get in here quick.
Breaking news.
Winners of this past
weekend's super lottery draw.
We don't really care
about the news, dad.
It's kind of an
interruption in our lives.
It's okay.
We'll, you're gonna
want to see this.
Shh.
K-dik major breaking news.
We have our on-scene
reporter Sandra Jackson
at congressman
Daniel t. Moorhead's office
Sandra, what's breaking there?
Thanks, Jeff. I'm here with
congressman Moorhead
and special agent Zoey Miller.
Wow, Zoey Miller,
can you explain
these extraordinary
circumstances?
Well, I am not so sure
they're all that unusual.
I am taking
the congressman into custody
for what is commonly known
as "pay to play."
- Okay.
- In this case,
overt demands for money
from his constituents
in exchange for
political favors.
In short, extortion.
Comments, congressman?
Well, let's be very,
very clear about this.
Taking campaign donations
is perfectly legal.
I mean, think about it.
People don't donate money
out of the goodness of their
heart, do they? I mean, do they?
Can you explain that
a little bit, congressman?
Well, if I don't return
the favor,
then shame on me.
I mean, if I happen
to do something
that does something for one
of my donors that needs done,
then just so much
the better for everyone.
I mean, isn't it
the right thing to do
when someone gives you money?
I understand the logic.
Well, perfect logic.
That's all I have to say.
- Okay.
- No, wait.
I'll be out before sunset.
So he's off to jail.
Gone.
He's no use to me anymore.
Did you like him?
He like all the others.
But you... bone.
But did you like him a lot?
Like, you know,
that kind of a lot?
- Ehh...
- Guess who!
- I don't know.
- It's me!
- Hey.
- Hi.
Who's she? One of your
other selfie girls?
Oh, she's just a friend.
- A dear friend.
- Oh.
I suppose an important
selfie judge like yourself
has all the women he needs.
Filled to the brim, I bet.
Overflow,
you hunk of a man, you.
Hey!
I am with him.
With her?
Or with me?
Um, rain check.
Rain check? Think again.
Think quickly.
Oh, sorry. That just
slipped out of my memory.
I meant, like, check please.
Maybe we can check out of here
and check out
another place, maybe?
- You sure?
- Yeah, we can...
You're gonna think I'm crazy,
but I just love shopping...
Going to pawn shops.
- Pawn shops?
- Pawn shops?
Yes, yes.
They seem so exotic.
Exotic.
- Exotic?
- Yes, and I love exotic.
You might even say
"exotic" is my motto.
How do feel about...
Exotic?
"Exotic" is one
of my mottos, too.
I mean, maybe it's more
of a slogan for me.
Same exact thing.
- Go. -You two were
made for each other.
So do you know
any good pawn shops?
Oh, I know plenty
of great pawn shops.
- Oh, yeah?
- I go every weekend.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Is that where you get
all the jewelry?
Congressman?
No, you ninny.
Chub's father.
Who's this?
Kind of like a girlfriend.
Kind of?
Way to go, bone.
"Kind of" means beginning stages
of girlfriend/boyfriend.
Oh, darling!
You did get out!
So happy.
Can I offer you anything?
A celebration?
Darling?
Offer me what?
Anything.
Let your imagination run wild.
You are so good at that.
A Yankee mix.
Now me. What would you
like to order from me?
Ahh. Are you tried
of the Russian Irina?
I don't know you enough.
So sweet.
So charming.
How'd you like this accent?
This accent's
a little harder to do.
It's an upcharge.
Russian's easy.
I just throw that in
as part of the deal.
- You do accents.
- All day!
All night, bloke,
if that's your pleasure.
- Really? -I'll give you
any accent you like.
How's this, mon amour?
- Does this work?
- Does it work?
I'll say it does.
Mon amour,
I can throw in French free.
I kind of like the cockney.
You know, the tough girl.
Tough girl?
Accent upcharge, too.
Well, I'll go the upcharge.
Smart move, Daniel.
So smart.
Daniel?
Yes. Yes, Daniel.
Call me Daniel.
Let's go for the whole
shooting match.
Daniel would love that,
but not as much as me.
Oh, my god. Just look!
A gigantic grab bag
full of exotic treasures.
Oh, my, look at that ring.
I loves rings.
They're my fashion statement.
- Am I too flashy? -No.
Exactly the right flashy.
- Could we see it?
- Here you go?
Ooh! Aren't you
the cutest thing ever?
I could just take you
in my mouth.
Oh, my, I'm getting
ahead of myself.
Ooh, head... love that.
Me, too.
- How much?
- 7900.
- A steal.
- One of a kind.
We'll take it.
Oh, no, no.
No kissing.
Not on the first date.
Sorry.
Naughty, naughty, naughty.
Love it!
Have you ever been in love?
Every click of the mouse.
I wish I had a dad
so I could ask him about love.
I hate this conversation.
- I bought her a ring.
- Who?
The babe from the big box party.
Green dress, yellow heels.
- What's her name?
- I don't know...
And I don't care.
You don't know her name
and you bought her a ring?
- What kind?
- Diamond.
$7900, and she is worth
every penny.
- Did you charge it?
- What do you think?
How are we money-wise?
Ballpark...
50 grand, banked.
Our meet the judges' party
cost $27,347?
How can that be?
Your mother charged them, right?
- She did. -Then what is
the plus from the party?
- 50.
- 50,000?
No, I said 50.
She comped some, refunded some.
$50.
So we threw
a $27,347 party?
- Including tip.
- What else is on the card?
Car. Oh, look.
A fur coat for your mom.
Yeah, well, you bought stuff
for your dad.
I see the diamond ring.
Our credit card bill
is $142,789.39!
Sounds about right.
How? I thought you said
we had 50,000.
Yeah, but that's in "in money,"
not "out money."
So we owe, ballpark, $100,000?
Better than 140.
And we owe a $35,000 prize.
So, ballpark, 140.
'Kay.
How are the selfies coming in?
Three today.
Three.
Well, someone's asleep
at the wheel.
And someone has got the credit
card gas pedal to the floor!
Don't you copy my metaphors.
Car... you.
Dad clothes... you.
Diamond ring... you.
Mink coat... you!
Meet the judges party...
You.
Comping girls... you!
Oh, yeah, well,
someone has been slackin'.
- You!
- What?
Where are all your ideas?
We all know you're the idea man.
I'm just the cohort!
I'm fresh out of ideas.
Harris here.
Hey, Harris.
What's up?
- Chub!
- You're on speaker.
- Bone's here.
- Nothing really.
Just seeing how your "selfie
shootout" website's doin'.
You know, the more selfies,
the better for our drink.
Not so hot. Only three.
Oh, that's too bad.
Our international sites
are gangbusters.
Selfies through the roof.
Japan, Nigeria...
Gangbusters.
- Japan and Nigeria?
- Through the roof!
I tell you, those Japanese,
they love their selfies.
And Denmark? Why, that's
a tidy little market.
That's the same as our website.
Chub? Chub?
Got to go, guy.
Oh. All right.
Where exactly
is "nigh-jerryia"?
What difference does it make?
India.
Why didn't I think
of any of this?
This is why we're not
getting selfies.
Competition.
All the websites
are exactly the same as ours.
No monopoly, no profit.
We've got to get back
on that profit train.
Let's research capitalism.
- What?
- Think about it.
Capitalism equals making money.
- Makes sense to me.
- Yep.
U.S.P....
Unique selling proposition.
We just need something
to make us special
so we can get the girls
from Nigeria,
Japan, Denmark
to come back to us.
Yeah, 'cause if we're unique,
then we'll control
the selfie market.
Yep, and he who controls
selfies...
Controls...
Selfies.
Pure unadulterated power.
And unadulterated power
gets us money,
which gets us our condo,
which gets us
our ultimate goal...
Babes!
What can our u.S.P. Be?
Don't know.
I don't either.
We got...
I'm gonna stand,
and I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
Just work it out.
Oxygen going to the brain.
- Working. Got it.
- Here we go. I got this.
Okay.
You're gonna love it.
- Okay. -That's all
you're gonna want to do.
I like it.
I like it a lot.
Okay, I'll save that for later.
Um, what I...
Okay, okay.
Do you think
the press release will work?
How do we get
the million dollars?
What are you?
An idiot?
Wha... from
the submitted selfies.
That's always been
our u.S.P.,
a bigger cash prize.
I mean, we just didn't know it.
Yeah, it's been hiding
in the recesses of your mind.
Would a billion dollars
be better?
That's like a super
take 'em to the wall u.S.P.
What are you thinking?
Do the math.
A billion-dollar prize
would mean that every babe
on the planet
would have to submit,
and, obviously,
every babe on the planet
doesn't take selfies.
I beg to disagree.
Oh! Dad!
Whoa. So that's what
a real man looks like?
What are you doing?
I thought you didn't like it.
Well, this is my house.
You should knock.
I live here.
I don't knock.
Well, a knock
every once in awhile
would be appreciated.
Breaking news.
This just in,
a 4 alarm fire has...
Thank you.
K-dik,
the leader of breaking news,
breaks into breaking news
with major breaking news.
Our two local boys,
chub Moorhead and bone Casper
of "selfie shootout" fame,
have just announced
an increased prize
of one million dollars.
I can barely believe it.
The best selfie is in line
to become a millionaire.
In addition,
our local entrepreneurs
have announced a reduction
in the submission fee
to just five dollars.
If I'm not mistaken,
that's a $10 savings.
Well, in the great
American tradition...
More for less.
I got to wonder
if that's really a smart move.
Back to breaking news,
FBI agent Zoey Miller,
who broke
the congressman Moorhead
pay for play scandal wide open
resigned today citing
personal reasons.
Did the genius kick in?
Or did the genius kick?
- Kicked in!
- Well, I don't get...
You don't get what?
It is perfectly clear.
More for less.
Million dollar prize,
cheaper to submit.
The perfect
unique selling proposition.
Well, if I was one
of the $15 selfies,
I would want a
ten dollar refund.
It's late, Zoey.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Zoey.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to finish off
this Moorhead research
before I officially leave.
God, yeah.
What a dick, huh?
I'd say.
Runs deeper than I thought.
Submissions.
Tons.
Total.
I need a total.
300 new selfies on the nose.
1500 bucks.
Refund request.
- Refund requests.
- How many?
- 12.
- Oh, that's not bad.
- 39.
- 39?
- 376!
- No!
Okay, we need to do some math.
- 'Kay.
- When is the credit card due?
That's not math.
That's dates.
- Seven days.
- How much do we owe?
No, first, how many
refund requests?
1,317.
- 1,317 times ten dollars is...
- 13,170.
How many new submissions
do we have?
500. $2500!
Pretty good!
Really? We owe over
ten grand in refunds.
- I'll double-check the math.
- No! The math is correct!
When is the credit card due?
Seven days.
I already told you.
It's the same day we're supposed
to announce the winner.
Balance on the credit card?
Holding steady
at $142,789.39.
Plus the ten grand in refunds.
- Please do the math. -Minus it or plus it?
I'm not sure.
Plus it to get the minus total.
Plus the two!
Plus it!
$152,789.39.
Minimum payment
on the card, please.
$4,769... which means
we will be completely paid off
in... 153 years.
Not terrible.
I'm okay with the 153 years,
but we will also owe
one million dollars
to some nameless selfie
in seven days!
Do you have an idea how we're gonna
get that much cash in seven days?
Do you have any frickin' idea?
- Yes, I do.
- And what would that be?
The obvious...
Borrow against another card.
What is this?
All right.
- Hello.
- Chub Moorhead?
- Yes?
- Charles Dutton,
- executive, k-dik TV.
- Yes?
I'm calling about
your selfie contest.
- Yes? -I understand
you're gonna be
announcing the winner
this Saturday night.
- Correct?
- Yes.
We'd like exclusive rights
to broadcast the ceremony
around the world.
- Okay. -And we're
prepared to pay $50,000.
Worldwide rights.
Will that work?
Yeah, that works.
Thank you.
I'll set it up.
Be at the studio an hour early.
I'll have a check ready,
and I'll even host
the awards show.
Quite an honor.
Okay.
- Pick up.
- Yup?
K-dik just called, and
they're gonna pay us $50,000
to broadcast the winning
selfie Saturday.
- Mother lode.
- It's a drop in the bucket.
It'll at least buy us
tickets to Guatemala.
Maybe a condo?
Bone, people are fleeing
Guatemala.
Delicious.
It's not so hard.
I...
- It's me, Zoey.
- The FBI Zoey?
Yes.
How you been?
I've been better, I suppose.
Hmm. Things aren't
going so well, are they?
- With the contest?
- How did you know?
I have access to a lot
of information.
In fact, the FBI
has access to everything.
Well, everybody knows that.
I was just trying to be nice.
- We're screwed.
- You're broke.
- Yep.
- I got you covered.
- How?
- I have discovered something
I'd like to share
with you and bone.
It's a game-changer.
Can you come by?
You don't have the million,
do you?
- Not really.
- Not at all.
- What else?
- Credit card problems.
- How much?
- Uh...
Never mind.
- $142,789.39.
- Ballpark.
- Exactly.
- Just north of 100,000.
I said exactly.
Don't mess with me.
I know the color
of your underwear.
The FBI know everything.
Suppose I could solve
all of your problems
and mine in just a few minutes?
I would say thank you very much.
Moorhead is a bad actor.
For the past several years,
he's been transferring
campaign donations
to a personal
offshore account...
Just over $1.8 million.
Whoa.
Is that legal?
Of course it is.
He's a congressman.
It's not.
Now, suppose I can transfer
1.2 million into your account
in, let's say,
the next, mm, two minutes?
Uh, I would say
thank you very much.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that legal?
Kind of, and kind of not.
Could we just do
the kind of part?
Interested, gentlemen?
It'll save all of us.
Well, he's gonna miss it,
and then he'll report us.
It's illegal cash.
If he reports it,
he'll be turning himself
into the FBI.
Interested?
Let me explain how this works.
Ladies and gentlemen
across the United States
and around the world,
welcome to the "selfie shootout"
one million dollar
award ceremony.
And please welcome
chub and bone,
the founders and sole judges
of "selfie shootout."
- Hey!
- Hey!
- What's up?
- What's up?
Chub and bone, thank you...
- No! Thank you.
- Yeah, you.
You're awesome!
For allowing
the k-dik family
to broadcast what we feel
is going to be
major breaking news
around the world.
You make my dad very happy.
He loves k-dik's
breaking news format.
Okay.
Thumbs up to that!
Oh, oh.
And it is our pleasure
- to award one babe, woman...
- Or girl!
The opportunity
to snap her stuff
- and win one million dollars!
- Yeah!
Tonight is the biggest night
in all the selfie world,
and we're expecting
one spectacular shootout.
Chub and bone, any last
words before our pose off
and we award the unbelievable
one million dollar prize?
Bang, bang!
Let's get it on!
Boom!
What the what?
Yeah!
Okay, let the shootout begin.
First up is Amber.
There she is!
Yeah, look at those shoes!
- Shoes!
- They look expensive.
- Bang, bang.
- Hey, boys.
Hey, what's up?
Looking good!
The competition
is just heating up.
Next is one of
my personal favorites...
Tiffany!
- Yeah!
- Okay, stop it.
Yeah, Tiffany!
- Oh, ho!
- Yes!
- Looking good, looking good.
- Oh, yeah.
Strut those legs.
Get those legs, girl.
Snap it. Snap it, girl.
Oh, yeah. Nice.
Ooh, okay.
I almost got that one.
- Yep.
- Stunning, as in stun gun.
Ouch! I don't even know
what to say
about that tidy performance,
but then I'm not
the judge tonight.
- No, I am.
- Yes, you are.
Fellas, you ready
for number three?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah!
- I'm so ready!
- I mean, I'm good.
"Selfie shootout"
contest number three, please.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh.
- Va-Va-voom!
- That's what I'm talking about!
- Hi, beautiful!
- Nice.
Whoa! That's what
I'm talking about.
- Sophisticated.
- Love it!
- Oh, hello!
- Oh!
What? Yeah!
I'm in that one!
- Me, too.
- Ha ha! Ooh!
It's been a really exciting
shootout to the death,
winner take all.
No money for second
or third place.
Judges, have you made
a decision?
Former FBI agent Zoey!
Oh, wow!
I didn't see that coming.
I did!
Thank you! Thank you!
Hi, beautiful.
These are for you.
- Oh!
- Oh, you're so handsome.
Oh, stop it.
That's my boy.
You must be very proud of him.
Oh, sure am.
Just made a beautiful girl
a millionaire,
and you got to bet he banked a
couple million for him and bone.
Impressive.
So impressive!
Never thought he had it in him.
He does. Ronnie?
Yes?
You want to take some selfies?
Oh, you mean
some selfie selfies?
Yeah.
- Oh!
- Aah!
All right, we got to go, guys!
Bye!
- So, hey, Amber...
- No.
Bye, Amber.
Hey, Tiffany,
you should have won.
I would have voted for you.
- Hey.
- Hey, bang, bang!
Bang, bang. Bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So now what?
Back to our humdrum lives? Hmm?
Uh, I guess.
Where have you been
the past couple days?
Just a phone call away.
God, you're beautiful.
Thanks.
I really did miss you.
Did you miss me?
Of course I did, sweetie.
What's this?
You gave me ten points?
You deserve it.
Aww.
Ten for Zoey.
I don't get it.
Well, it's a long story,
but you're my winner.
You're just such a great guy.
So now what?
Hmm, sweetie?
What do you want?
Really want?
- Honestly?
- Honestly.
I want a friend.
Someone I can count on,
- someone I can go to the...
- Stop.
But first,
you naughty little man,
there's something
you should know.
I'm a man.
Well, I'm not looking
for perfection.
That was amazing!
- How liberating.
- Wow. Unbelievable.
Um, why...
Why did you do all of this?
- I mean, I don't...
- Why?
- Yeah.
- I like you, chub.
You're a good soul.
And let's face it,
a girl can use an extra
non-traceable million.
And why not take a little extra
to pay off some debt?
I mean, why not?
After credit cards, you'll
have an extra 20,000 or so.
That's not too bad.
So, you like...
You really like me?
Uh-huh.
Is life great or what?
Mm-hmm.
Ooh!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
- Baby, you're hot.
- Shut up.
I love it.
I love it!