STUDIO
BLOCK 95
LEOPOLIS
TERRITORY OF CINEMA .
Rzhevsky against Napoleon.
Lieutenant
Rzhevsky.
Napoleon Bonaparte
or just 'Bonya'.
Natasha Rostova.
Prince
Bagratyon -of Abkhazia.
Marquis
De Mazosad -yan.
Kutuzov.
Count Tolstoy
or just 'Classic'.
Captain
of the Guard.
Zhuzhu
40-year-old virgin.
Marshal
Ney - Gay.
Our story, ladies and gentlemen,
begins in Paris.
At that time, Paris was
known as the capital of the world.
While Moscow fell on ruinous times,
in Paris reigned
the famous Napoleon.
Meet the French emperor:
Napoleon Bonaparte.
A brilliant strategist,
first-rate commander
and a big fan of women.
LE "Canon"
Sir, I don't want to
bother you, but...
My horse!
Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Hurrah!
But the great emperor had
one small flaw.
For such a big personality,
he had a very small shoe size.
It caused him a
horrible complex.
And this complex would drive
the Corsican across Schengen Europe,
from state to state.
"Size does not matter"
-he said...
And he won on
all fronts.
And in love too,
Of course.
Love makes the world go round.
or rather, 'libido',
in modern terms.
So driven by an insatiable libido,
this midget & enslaver
arrived in the country
where live the most beautiful women in the world.
But here, his libido would soon be clipped.
WELCOME TO RUSSIA
Hurrah! Russia!
Yes, yes ...
- Field Marshal Sir.
The French are at the gates of Moscow.
- Dismissed.
What do you say, gentlemen officers?
If we fight now, we lose an army.
If we lose the capital,
we lose our honor.
I suggest, lose the honor.
Your excellency, why do we need Moscow?
The capital has no gas mains, no gasoline, not even oxygen to breathe.
Congestion in the streets?
The Kremlin without the Tsar's Bell
is like a big 'Fuck you!'
All right.
So it shall be. We will allow
the enemy the capital.
Cheers to that!
I just think that Napoleon won't satisfy himself
to chew and spit in Moscow.
He will go on, to the Urals.
I want to bog him down in Moscow
all the way to ...
the tops of his boots.
-Ideas?
How about sending a spy? With our
women he will be as bogged as a swamp.
We have already sent them multiple times.
A woman's conversation with Napoleon is short. Look.
Here you go.
So, now we have to
pay her compensation.
And this is the end result.
-So, our spy
must be a super woman.
She must be able to hook up,
and not get pregnant.
-I have an idea.
Madam, how many times must I tell you?
I cannot go for so long without air!
Lieutenant Rzhevsky.
Pack up your things, Lieutenant.
You're going with me.
Personal order of the Emperor.
Aha! Here we go.
And where was the Emperor,
When they threw me into this hell?
You looking for trouble?
-Get out, you fool!
And why did it happen?
-Why?
You slept the battle.
-The task was weighing on me terribly
of raising the birth rate of the state!
Enough! There is no need
to stew on the past.
The Fatherland is in danger.
And it's your job
to defend the homeland.
-Homeland...
The Homeland is my weakness.
In short,
the high command has issued a task,
at all costs to keep
Napoleon in Moscow.
That's it.
-But it requires a woman.
And who is this?
-You.
Me?
-Yes.
I, a Russian officer, must every day
change my pants for panties?
Never!
-I understand. It is difficult.
But it is necessary for the Fatherland.
-And now for the Fatherland,
I must park my horse screwy?
-It's war!
And each has its own front.
-So you may order me
to give myself to Bonaparte?
If there is such an order, you'll do it!
But, if you fulfill the task,
you will be awarded a medal.
"Flowers in the sun, my Georgia!"
I will make you such a feast!
barbeque, lamb ...
What kind of country is this?
Only with a medal,
is a man's work rewarded?
-And? Do you accept?
Lieutenant!
All agreed,
just take me away.
And here we are in the Kremlin,
the most elite neighborhood.
Five minutes away is the parking for coaches.
Quiet neighbors- very quiet.
Security is almost perfect.
For the entire history of the Kremlin,
only two kings have been killed here.
Let's go inside, sir.
The floor is parquet.
New plumbing.
The bathroom is separate.
The bathroom is on the first floor,
toilet on the third.
It's nice, really nice,
if only it were a little cheaper?
This is not Paris-
this is Moscow.
Imperial bed, another
advantage of this option.
Would you like to try out the mattress?
Zhuzhu!
Look at the other rooms now,
I will review the bedroom.
If you buy, I will demonstrate
the feather mattress for you.
We'll take it.
Hello, "Left-hand"!
-Sir, I'm not deaf.
I'm cross-eyed.
-Forgive me, son, I always forget.
It's our pride.
Many years of research.
Millions from the budget.
Hundreds of the best minds,
worked on this specimen.
The cap of invisibility, gentlemen.
Needs further work.
Collapsible Sword.
Goldfish.
-Yes.
Three wishes?
-No, this one gives only one.
Damaged.
-Flying carpet.
Go!
Do you have a magical tablecloth?
Here!
So ... Where's the vodka?
-We have only the non-alcoholic version left.
I do not know what this is,
but I feel that I will need it for
security. Give me fifty.
Fifty- one.
Lieutenant!
Well, it's time,
Get in the top.
In what sense the top,
Your Excellency?
Towards Moscow we will 'ignite'!
What do you mean 'ignite'?
Like sparks from a man's eyes!
As soon as you get there,
Find a man who calls himself Count.
He heads the resistance movement.
He will give you further instructions.
I do not agree. Take me back.
I will not go into the cannon!
Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
-Where are you?
Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
Lieutenant! Take me with you.
I got divorced from my husband,
and now I completely belong to you.
-Fire!
Take me with you.
-Fire, Fire!
Dear Muscovites,
and uninvited guests of our city.
For a few rubles you can
get in on this exclusive tour,
of our capital before the fire.
I swear on my mother I didn't see.
Yesterday I checked,
and now the seal is gone.
Please, we'll go home, we'll talk!
Bollocks! Bastards!
As soon as I get there,
I'll make you pay for this!
I need your clothes.
Hasta la vista, woman.
Yes, this is Rzhevsky.
So.
Count LN Tolstoy
WAR AND PEACE.
Count Lev Nikolayevich, you?
-Do I know you?
Sure.
Your portrait is printed,
even in my fifth grade textbook.
-So you recognize me? Bravo!
So, you are the man
from the high command?
Yes. Lieutenant Rzhevsky,
ready for the task.
Vaat should I do?
-What?
I'm asking, vaat should I do?
-Firstly, you must pronounce correctly
'what', not 'vaat'.
-Do not mess with this lady, grandpa.
You're a 'lady',
is that right?
Scarecrow! Have you seen
yourself in the mirror? Barnyard hen!
Look, do not call me names, or I'll forget
your frailness. I'll mash your face so,
that you yourself will confuse it for Alexey's.
-Demyan!
I remember you complaining
that for three years you haven't seen a woman?
So what?
-Do you want this? Take it!
This scarecrow?
Lord, forgive me!
No. For this one, I'd be as well
without for three years, as ten.
Is that clear? And you're going to go like this
to Napoleon?
Bonjour, bonjour Count. Comment a va?
Long time, no see.
Bonjour, Madam. I apologize.
My peasant's shoes haven't been able to take me here.
The war.
Yes, war does terrible things to people.
You, Count,
have suffered spoiled taste.
Who is this scarecrow with you?
-I'm relying on your
professionalism, Madam.
This aunt must be turned
into a princess.
How many years do I have?
-Three hours.
For starters, men require
attractive packaging.
Here am I with a pair of wings,
coming near to you.
coming near to you.
My love soars above the fray.
above the fray.
Oh, this time
by a single pair of wings...
Lips, lips, lips. Lips are ladies' only weapon of
love, which are not covered by clothing.
And the most important part is
not what they are saying.
We have to charm him,
deceive, manipulate,
but most importantly,
under all circumstances,
you must not let the bumblebees touch your flowers.
Sorry, I do not understand botany,
but let the bumblebees go to hell.
If some land, so be it.
-What are you thinking by 'land', Lieutenant?
You have no nectar. Well,
with time you will understand.
So, Countess Rzhevska?
From now on, the fate of Russia
rests in your hands.
Girls, what luck!
They say Rzhevsky is back!
Not a word about me.
Not a word...
Ney, who is this Rzhevsky?
-Nonsense, my Emperor.
A hero, lover from local folklore
and wives' tales. Don't pay it any attention.
Ney, why isn't anyone
inviting me to dance?
You're a general.
Do something!
Go on, try it.
Now surely you will succeed.
Countess Rzhevska and Count Tolstoy!
Son of a bitch...!
-Countess, you are a decent lady.
Curse in French.
Do you have a plan?
Why so tense?
I'm going to flirt with Napoleon.
Lieutenant, you're a woman.
You don't 'flirt', you only hang around...
Leo Nikolayevich, your chauvinism makes me
want to throw myself under a train.
Sorry!
Madam, your appearance here
greatly pleases Napoleon Bonaparte.
Then I wish him health.
And what's your name, young man?
I am the Emperor of France,
Napoleon Bonaparte.
Whoa! I'm sorry,
I was not aware.
Politics does not interest me,
but the true presence of a lover in the room,
can be detected by the smell.
I'm pleasantly surprised,
Madam. Usually,
I'm the one who makes those assessments...
-This is Moscow, naughty boy.
Here we're all predators.
You must tell me, where did you get that hat?
This is an original Armani.
-Stop bragging, Emperor.
Gees, how I like you.
What's this?
Well, all right.
Madam, I am ecstatic.
My life is often dangerous,
but never have I rescued
such a fragile creature as you.
What a job...
What a woman! Mon bnfique!
Steel, power, nature, Russia.
I've never had that.
A drink for courage.
Another against the complex.
A glass for the voice.
Where am I?
-... is what amazes me most personally.
Who am I?
-Ivan Ivanovich Rzhevsky.
Born near Samara.
Yes... You got drunk yesterday
Lieutenant, as a pig.
First you thought you were Marilyn Monroe.
Then you did a strip.
And then you danced the cancan until three in the morning.
"In Moscow, a new Cinderella!"
I do not remember.
-Look in the mirror! Look at you.
Have you lost your mind?
-What?
It started last night,
as always, good.
Hello?
After the ball, you wanted to go off and relax.
You relaxed yourself in a brothel.
If only you could've stopped there,
but no, you asked for Gypsies.
Three times you passed out and
three times you came back.
You were out there singing, playing, crying,
you promised to marry
with the Gypsy Baron's daughter.
And he was two hours explaining
it was no daughter, but a son.
You spent a lot of money from the budget.
Fish.
"You have one wish."
Do it
so that my head stops aching.
And?
It's good.
Nikolayevich...
And this is, as you say, only
a hero of wives' tales?
Rzhevsky back.
"Today confirmed by:
the rector of the school
of virtuous virgins
and gypsies Zara and Aza, independently.
This is the glory! And where am I?
You think I'm just a dumb soldier?
No, my Emperor.
You are a great military leader.
This is boring!
-My lord, hit me too.
How many times ? I...
I just want to be,
on the list of great lovers!
God, how he walks nicely!
Ma'am, are you okay?
-Drowsiness.
I see. How can I help?
-Tonight I have to be fresh,
as an eighth-grader.
Unfortunately, we don't do reincarnations.
But I can suggest:
mask, peeling, waxing.
All that and a bottle of mineral water.
-It will be done.
How nice to be a woman!
It hurts! I'll tell you anything,
Addresses, passwords, hiding places,
Just don't do any more down there.
-Do not be afraid. Just one second.
No! God! Please!
Don't!
Faster !
Tell me, please, who is that girl?
-That is Natasha Rostova.
Miss Europe of 1810.
Second place, after Norway.
Go, go...
Listen, guy.
I need your clothes.
Come on, take them off quickly.
This room is for men only.
Ladies are next door.
I'm never wrong with the door.
Chauvinist!
Come on, take them off.
Did you not hear me?
Take them off!
Listen, my name is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I am also known
as "Muscles from Brussels."
Yes, I recognize you.
Take off your pants, I say.
It seems to me that you have to get out of here.
Okay. I recognize you.
-You do?
Yeah!
-Merci.
Yeah, but ...
Take your fuckin' pants off!
Now!
Well, if you insist.
Now you will taste my fist!
What, chicken? Come on!
Watch out!
I asked nicely.
Well, well. Au revoir!
Why the fuck I came to Russia?
Nightmare.
Whose are you?
-Maximus! There you are, rascal.
Excuse me, miss.
But Maximus since he was a puppy
is drawn towards beauty.
He's yours?
-Yes. Dangerous hooligan
and libertine.
- What a miracle!
The miracle is you, Natalia.
- How do you know my name?
Who doesn't know the real Miss Europe?
The Norwegian icewoman
cannot match even the little toe on your foot.
So you are Lieutenant Rzhevsky?
-You know, the feeling won't leave me
that somewhere we have met before.
Yes, your face also looks familiar.
August 1808, Turkey.
Aboard the oligarchs' Aladdin,
"All- Inclusive".
No, this summer I was in Vienna,
for a demonstration of
global cooling.
When hundreds of naked women
protested near the Royal Palace?
I hurried over there!
But, alas, I was too late.
I'm sorry. You would have
enjoyed the sight, I'm sure.
I imagine.
-Excuse me,
Anything else?
Get me something stronger. And the lady?
This lady's about to go.
-Natalie, please do not go.
The war is over our heads,
whistling stray bullets.
Two lonely souls have found in this
mess of senseless violence,
unfulfilled dreams of a
long courtship. But...
There is no time.
-Lieutenant, I've lost your thread.
What are you saying?
-Natasha, I suggest we go to your home.
So, all I
heard about you is true?
Plain womanizer.
-What can I do, Natalie?
I'm the hero of folklore.
I cannot do otherwise.
Then try harder.
Countess Rzhevska?
I suppose. With whom do I have the honor?
My name is Marquis de Mazosad.
Tell me, last night did you accidentally lose
this extraordinary shoe - size 46?
-Lord Marquis!
I never wore
such vulgarity.
What's the matter, guys?
Put her in the can.
Masochist!
-A cheap whore.
Why am I accused?
I have big bones?
This is a biological discrimination.
I'll complain! I'll scratch and bite!
Bastards! "Oh, Magadan.
I'm off to Magadan."
You lie!
You won't get away with this, frog.
A thousand and one apologies.
Your greatest French admirer.
Madam...
I am very glad to see you.
What do you fantasize about most?
Nothing special.
I want a simple female happiness.
A family, a bunch of kids
and a lot of friends...
...Beautiful. And you?
Me?
Now I'll show you.
Come on.
NAPOLEON.
Unbelievable!
Have you seen this ?
Why not me on the cover of ?
"The list of victories
of the lover-lieutenant
today included
the female members of the police
and the entire choir of
the St. Jelena convent.
How do you think I look
in the eyes of the Countess Rzhevska?
As a complete loser?
-My Emperor,
I think a lot of
attention is paid to the Russian courtesan.
Next time it'll be with
a screwdriver.
Sir, next time it's my turn.
-Go on!
Today we were supposed to start
the advance toward the Urals.
Why haven't you started?
You're not packed.
Really?
Tell my favorite army,
the offensive to the Urals
begins the day after tomorrow.
Hurrah, the Urals!
-Sir, why not tomorrow?
Tomorrow I cannot.
I have my anniversary with the Countess.
We've been two months together.
"Duelling Fan Club"
"Courses for Young Duellers"
This is for you- for our anniversary.
Do you like it?
-Unbelievable.
Thank you, baby.
I will pray for your sins.
Pray for me.
Tomorrow...
We begin the attack on the Urals.
-Why the Urals?
We did not come to Russia for nothing.
We have work to do.
What will happen to me?
Will you leave me here?
Alone!
This tea service is from my grandmother.
Lord, what a fool!
You are selfish.
Because of you, I've risked it all!
In the eyes of society,
Your hands are in my panties.
Mon cher! Mon cher!
I can only bite off
half the world, like an apple,
for the opportunity to think
on your panties.
'Think'. Granted.
What freedoms you allow yourself!
Countess, I invite you to
accompany me to the Urals.
What Urals, Bonya?
So you can call me out in Chechnya, to the dance?
But, baby!
-What 'baby'?
It wouldn't even cross my mind to move to the
countryside for your stupid victory.
Does your office have at least something
without your cheeky mug?
Where are you going? Where to?
Bunny, do not be mad.
You want me to postpone the offensive
for a week?
You'll really put it off?
-Of course.
Just do not be mad.
Lucky for you I'm lenient.
Ah, you soldier!
You don't need anything
except to play war.
All the dishes are smashed.
You'll buy more.
You're the Emperor!
WINTER 1812
Good evening, dear friends.
Allow me to introduce
the new collection:
"Fall-Winter 1812 - Retreat."
Thus, the first model in the collection
is called "uninvited guest."
Ease of style and national
costume beautifully combine
with the added warmth.
The next model- "robber".
Pay attention to the
extensive accessories.
The designed form of the
bag behind the shoulders.
This model is simply called
"Eighth-grader- Uhuh, Uhuh."
She's lost.
She's looking for her prom date.
The next model is called
"Innocence".
This model is dedicated to
my emperor.
The next model
is called "Cook".
A classic dream.
Natalie! Beauty,
how lucky I should find you here.
How do you know my name?
Do I know you?
Not really. It's just that
when I see such perfection,
I cannot resist
my girlish delight.
Wait! You are the Countess Rzhevska.
Napoleon's concubine.
Why so harsh, Natalie? Love is evil.
We fall in love only with tyrants.
I could never fall in love with
the enemy. None of that French perfume,
which cannot compare with the real
Russian man,
even if he smells of alcohol
and has rolled about in a barn.
But you dishonor
all Russian women.
And she does also.
The sheep!
Sorry, Natalia, but sometimes
men require taming.
Countess, are you a lesbian?
-Why should I hide it?
Maybe just a little.
That's it.
Lieutenant, between us, is there something wrong?
-So far there isn't.
Lieutenant, I have to admit something.
Yesterday I was passionately kissing a woman.
-Great.
Did you like it?
-It was a memorable kiss.
When I looked into her eyes,
I do not know why, but I thought of you.
Strange. Natasha, I must say
it is no secret I've had a lot of women.
Not even that-
I've had too many women.
Lieutenant, are you mocking me?
I'm stating the facts.
But since I met you,
I've been sick.
I've lost my male sense.
Do you understand?
Lieutenant!
Natalie, have you ever jumped
into a haystack and inhaled the scent
of freshly cut clover?
-Yes.
And have you ever fried eggs,
in butter?
And then dipped
pieces of fresh bread.
Have you ever run
under a summer rain...
Yes.
-...naked?
I do not remember. Maybe as a child.
-We're not talking about childhood.
Have you ever made love in Cyprus? -Yes.
-To two women at the same time?
No.
-Me neither.
But nobody forbids us
to imagine.
Lieutenant, you're such a fool,
but charming.
Lieutenant, you can love a woman.
-I don't understand.
Is this a compliment?
Indeed.
As you requested , ma'am.
Anisolaya from 1774.
Thank you.
Take a walk.
Honey, what's this?
-Bonichka, since you have decided
to conquer all of Russia,
we'll take Russian drink.
Come on, to us.
Bottoms up!
Exhale!
And now, on request of our guest
from sunny France,
especially for his beloved,
this song.
Yes...
Madam?
Listen, man, you got a cigarette?
I don't smoke.
Walk, Uncle!
The lady wants... to dance.
-Guys, this lady does not dance.
She does not dance ...
-Rest it, old man!
Guys, you've made a mistake.
I clearly said, I do not dance.
Or do you want trouble?
-Maybe you've made a mistake?
That's it.
Help! Hooligans!
Strike!
Oh, baby!
Where is everybody?
-They went to the cottage.
They'll be back after tomorrow.
Watch the dress.
You are a great woman.
-That I am.
And I'm not the worst man
in Europe, either.
Pussycat!
You'll see. They'll write
numerous books about me. I'm sure!
They'll even shoot movies.
And sometimes I think,
that my name could become
a psychiatric illness.
Or maybe even a cake.
In the name of our love, baby.
I'm ready for anything!
I'm ready to
take over the continent.
I can light a shooting star!
I'm ready to juggle worlds.
I'll cast you
a new Milky Way.
I can't bear it anymore.
I'll drink to that...
Countess, I'm ready for anything.
-Absolutely anything?
At all!
-What do you think about marriage?
Listen, uh ...
-What?
There are some things... you know...
I see.
I understand.
So, you're ready to juggle
worlds for me.
But as soon as we touch on something serious,
you shit your pants.
My pants?
-Yes, they're full of it.
I am married to an Austrian princess.
-Well done!
In Moscow a divorce doesn't require waiting-
only the desire.
Well...
I'll get a divorce!
I agree, baby.
Pussycat, what are you doing?
-Lay off!
No, Bonichka.
'unh-unh...' only after the wedding.
And what do you mean "I agree"?
I'm the one who's supposed to agree.
I don't need charity.
Should a woman beg a man to marry her?
Where are the fireworks?
Where are the rose petals raining from the sky?
Where's the white suit?
Where? By the way, I am a woman
from a decent family.
Do you understand?
-I understand.
Count, contact the center, tell them
the cut of these clothes is unsuitable.
What's this nonsense?
No, you're not allowed more clothes,
nor cosmetics, nor salon nor spa ...
-Have mercy, Lord!
Really? After all
I have done for the country,
it's too much to ask money for a manicure?
-Be careful, Lieutenant, not to become engrossed.
The war will end,
but your habits will not.
Countess! I, the Emperor of
France, Napoleon Bonaparte
beg you...
to be my wife.
Accept.
I accept.
"I'm in shock."
"Me too."
When I look at you, Countess,
I see such a manlike whore.
Women don't fight.
-In our country, such a weakling as you,
any woman would choke with a sock.
If you insist.
-Come to Mama.
A woman always remains a woman.
-What?
Natasha?
Lieutenant?
-All this time,
you worked for the French?
-Says who? You sleep with them.
I am a Russian spy.
Executing a secret mission.
I'm also a Russian spy!
Undercover!
But if I'd known,
I wouldn't have bothered!
Kama Sutra
I know this book by heart,
but our interpretation
was closest to the text.
Lieutenant
You are uniquely educated.
But no one has
inspired me like you.
I'm totally ready to dive into science.
Always and everywhere,
I want only you.
But with that feeling,
a new warmth, tenderness...
a desire to take care of you.
It is a strange feeling for me.
You've changed me! I've become a man.
I've stopped being a folktale.
I love you! Would you m...
-What?
I love you! Would you m...
Lieutenant, you must say it aloud. I haven't heard!
-I cannot.
You can, you can!
Come on!
Come on! Look into my eyes.
Look at me!
...Marry.
Marry?
-Yes.
I accept.
-I did it!
I did it!
Natasha, get ready
immediately for page 48.
Forty-eight?
My favorite page!
Damn!
I've got to be at the barracks.
I'll be punished.
My fiance will appear any minute.
So, so...
Leave it alone, don't play now.
How do I leave without you?
-Damn. Where are my socks?
Damn!
Natasha, I cannot bear
if something happens to you.
Promise me you'll give me a sign
If something happens.
I promise.
-For example, burn something.
Like what?
The Opera? The club "Diaghilev"?
It does not matter.
It can be the whole of Moscow.
Love, I must go.
See you tonight.
Be-be-be Bu-bu-bu
chair, table, store Kukriniksi,
building of the Court of Appeals,
hydroelectric station.
Pretty good!
What's this?
Something in my eye.
And Mr. Captain of the Guard only
kindly agreed,
to help.
I
divorced Josephine.
It's not been three months
and you do this .
Whore.
What are you looking at, asshole?
I've considered how to punish you.
Quartering? Banal.
Stick you on a pole?
And what if you like it?
Don't stop, sir. The bee ...
-Set a bee on your tongue?
Mantoux.
-Mantoux injection that'll make
you piss your pants?
-Dentist ...
Move you to the head of the line?
Carbide ...
-carbide glowing red-hot in your mouth?
All of this is quite simple.
And what about the soldering iron?
Simone, I want to make this last a lifetime.
Marriage it'll be.
Zhuzhu!
Who?
On Moscow's inner ring,
in a chain accident
over five carriages collided,
killing 10 serfs.
Fortunately, there were no casualties.
Roll!
Prohibited for children under 18 years!
I accept
Bonya, I warned you already.
Not until after the wedding.
Dear grooms...
and brides,
now join hearts
and create a new union
in our society.
They say marriages are
sealed in heaven.
Fate will carry you
on the wings of love...
Move.
Get out of here!
Get out!
Countess ... Countess!
And you, Lady Rzhevska,
do you accept to become the woman,
of the invader and occupier Bonaparte?
I accept.
-And now I suggest
you exchange wedding rings.
-Peace be with you... and war.
Here, my love. Now I must go.
-Where?
Honey, I'm the Emperor.
I'm needed on the battlefield.
Hold it! What about me?
And if I asked you to stay?
-But...
Stop. For the motherland!
No! No!
If a single person finds out, I'll drown you.
I swear!
My lips are sealed.
Zhuzhu, you'll have more time...
My boy!
Now I will show you something...
-What? Let me do it myself.
Let me! I...
Pussycat, open up!
-Wait a minute.
I can't stand it anymore.
Countess, you promised!
Natasha...
Natasha! Damn.
I'm coming!
Wife, open for your husband!
Zhuzhu, I have to tell you
something very important.
The devil invented this dress.
What are you doing, rascal?
-What's that, I felt with my hand?
The 'Countess' may be a 'Count'?
Here I come!
Relax!
Almost, Lieutenant,
Your mission is complete.
Something wrong?
Natasha!
Natasha, I'm flying to you!
-Where are you?
Natasha...
Countess, unfortunately
We have an emergency.
The Emperor's adjutant
is a Russian spy.
How can it be?
-See you at dinner.
Stop!
Lieutenant!
-Natasha!
Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
-How I've missed you.
My love!
-You took your time!
Shame on you.
I could not have come faster,
I swear it even
on my parents' health.
Zhuzhu?
No! I'm just a
harmless masochist.
No! No, Zhuzhu!
-My boyfriend.
No, girl. No, no!
No, please !
4 MONTHS LATER ...
Winter of 1812. Withdrawal
As you already know,
all the events of our story,
ladies and gentlemen, are based on
real historical facts.
Everything's been reconstructed
with documentary precision,
without embellishment.
And as befits
every important scientific work,
this one should be finished with...
How was it? Generally in Russia
since time immemorial we call it
simply, "Happy End".
I cannot believe
the war is over.
I do not have to wear
those idiotic heels.
There is no need to put on a
cotton bra.
or eat fat-free yogurt.
No need for boots
There are no more swords, guns and duels.
It's all in the past.
-Yes. Just you and me.
Tell me, where did you
buy this cheerful hat?
I'm not telling.
-Really?
My darling!
My dear.
What? Does it hurt?
-It hurts.
You think it doesn't hurt me?
-Bonya, what are you doing here?
Shameless transvestites.
What "Happy end" do you have?
Love, kisses...
And you left me all alone
on the island of St. Helena
to write a memoir?
-Because you have nothing to recount
in these 'memoirs'
except your silly victories.
Boys, don't
ruin the honeymoon.
What honeymoon? He's married.
-Stop being angry, Bonya.
We aren't strangers.
Come on! Come here.
Let me hug you.
-There's no need. I don't want to.
By the way, I missed you.
-Really?
Really?
-Of course.
You're still a good ol' guy,
no matter what they say about you.
And what do they say about me?
It doesn't matter...
Let's go for a croissant...
Movie by
Marjus Weissberg
Writers: Andrei Yakovlev,
Mikhail Savin, Andrei Iljkov et al.
Director of Photography:
Irek Khartovich
Composer:
Vladimir Sajko
END
Translation by Jed C.,
based on the Serbian by NIKITA and KRLE,
& Bulgarian by Harpv.