Wake up, sleepyhead. It's sunset.
Board of Education Chairman...
- Good evening, Sebastian.
- Good evening, Countess.
Austrian peasant.
Early 1700s...
O-positive.
Very nice...
but not vintage, and certainly not virgin.
Virgin blood isn't easy to come by
these days, Countess.
You're telling me.
How many days left
till Halloween, Sebastian?
Little more than a week, Countess.
I told you not to worry.
Not to worry?
How amusing.
You're not the one that has to have
the virgin blood of a young man...
not once, but three times
before All Hallows' Eve.
Not to worry?
Being a vampire in the 20th century
is a nightmare!
Did we get up on the wrong side
of the coffin this evening?
Must be the delegation from below.
You, wipe your feet.
After 120 years,
you still have Georgia clay on your boots.
You're a long way from Covent Garden.
Your report?
Countess, we've been all over
this metropolis.
With nothing to show for it?
Do you realize that it's less than 10 days
until Halloween?
Times have changed. When you found me,
it was 1864. Virginity was still popular.
Stop being so damned negative.
There must be a virgin out there. Find him!
Unless the Countess gets
what she must have...
you lose your refuge and her protection.
Is that clear?
The closest we've come so far
is an 11-year-old.
Don't be disgusting.
No more excuses! She's heard them all.
She wants action.
And she wants it now.
Get out there and find me a virgin!
I want to, I really do.
Robin, please!
Mark, we've been through this sex thing
a million times.
Halfway through it a million times.
It's what people do when they are in love.
It's natural. It's right.
It's not natural for me to do it in a car.
What about an ice-cream truck?
What?
Do you have a creamsicle?
Take a hike! We're closed for renovations.
Jeez.
Sorry. I'll put it in third.
Look, Mark...
I want to. I really do.
But I want it to be special.
Sorry.
Please understand.
Shit.
Based on my broad and varied experience...
I'm telling you,
girls have a six-year cutoff time.
If they haven't put out in the first six years,
they figure, "why bother?"
No. She just thinks if it's good, it can wait.
Oh, yeah? Look at me. I'm good. I can't wait.
- You call that well-done? It's still meowing.
- It's burnt.
I don't know. There's too much pressure
about getting laid.
It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Right now, I'm as close
to physical perfection as I'm gonna get.
That's depressing. Really depressing.
Sometimes I think I should just go out,
find some strange woman and get laid.
Then I could go back to Robin
without all this pressure between us.
Now that's a burger!
We should check out
some of the bars in Hollywood.
I don't want to do that.
- That's where all the weirdoes are.
- Exactly.
Because that's where all the action is.
We might as well.
Nothing ever happens here.
We live in a sexual wasteland.
What if Robin finds out?
Who's gonna tell her? Not me.
Come on. I wouldn't say nothing.
Not if she got down on her knees and...
Get out!
We'll have three beers, all around.
Watch.
Number 17.
Hi there! Number 17?
I'm Russ and I'm a Sagittarius.
I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners,
and Tolstoy.
Look, I'm a mature person,
and you are a mature person, so...
She said, "Come on over!"
You got it, honey.
Don't wait up.
Hi there, Russ.
- Hi.
- Sit down.
A Sagittarius! Dynamite! I'm a Gemini.
Hey, man, do you know what that means?
Like H2O!
Are you a guy?
Does it matter?
Sissy.
Want to leave now? This place is stupid.
Are you kidding? We haven't scored yet.
Score? Not here, that's for sure.
Look around you.
Yuppie city.
You got it. We don't belong.
Studs "R" Us.
Number four at the bar.
Am I sitting in the middle, wearing a red tie?
She wants you to have a drink with her.
- He'll be right there.
- All right, move it, man!
I don't feel good about this.
Come on, go for it. Live dangerously...
stud!
All right. Okay.
Come on.
Go for it!
Hello, tall, dark and handsome.
Me?
Hi.
What's your name?
Mark Kendall.
Can I buy you a drink?
I was hoping
you would share my champagne.
Oh, yeah.
What's your name?
- Just call me "Countess."
- "Countess"?
That's great. I like that.
I had a dog named King once.
Thirty-two.
Do you come here often?
This is my first time.
Beautiful. Great place.
Do you come here a lot?
Whenever I'm on the prowl.
How old are you?
Me? 21.
How old are you?
Older than you think.
That's okay. I look young for my age, too.
People say I could pass for 18.
...the horse threw me.
Whore! Caught in the act, you pedophile!
Why don't you sit down
so we can discuss this like mature...
Shut up, scumbag!
So...
you're Chester!
I think there's been
a little misunderstanding. I'm not...
I wouldn't sit in the same room
with you, degenerate.
- I'm Jamie...
- I wouldn't live in the same city!
We just came here to get some girls tonight.
I mean, meet some girls.
Mark's got an ice-cream truck,
and we came down.
We heard this was
a swinging place, that's all.
Figures. A kid! A degenerate kid!
Pornographer! I've read your letters!
- I wouldn't.
- They're my friends.
They can handle it. Don't do anything rash.
- You make me sick.
- Shut up, Harry.
Filth! That's what this is.
You slime, this is private!
We better get out of here.
How dare you write this filth to my wife!
This is a big misunderstanding.
I didn't write anything...
- This is a big mistake on your part.
- He's got a gun!
Oh, my God!
Don't hang up. It happens all the time.
Let's go.
Neither one of us
can afford to spend the night in jail.
Countess! Sir!
Wait, my truck! My ice-cream truck!
I know where it's parked. Give me the key.
You don't want to end up in the slammer.
- Daddy hurt his parts.
- Daddy was bad.
Is that a new kind of choke hold?
See, I told you we'd get lucky.
Is there anything you need? Food? Drinks?
A bib?
Thank you, no, Sebastian.
This is a nice house.
Don't see a lot of mansions where I live.
We just moved in.
The previous owner slaughtered his family,
and then hung himself.
You must've got it cheap.
Except for the cleaning bill.
May I get you a drink?
I have to ask you something.
I was wondering...
Are you a prostitute?
I'm whatever you want me to be.
Good, because I only have $5.
What would you like?
The same as you.
Try this.
I'm gonna slip into something
a little more comfortable.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Okay, Sebastian. Out of the closet.
I came out of the closet centuries ago.
Very amusing. Come on, help me.
Make me lovely.
Have I ever failed you?
- How's my hair?
- Like golden wheat.
My eyes?
Bright as Venus.
I'm so excited. It's as if I were young again.
And so you shall be, lovey.
I told you not to worry.
I see you've made yourself at home.
That's very nice.
Did you...
Did they do that over at the shopping mall?
No.
That was done a long time ago in Europe.
Why don't you sit here?
Sure.
What do you do for a living?
I go to school. College.
I'm studying to be an electrical engineer.
Fascinating.
- My field is nuclear physics.
- Really?
I'm working on the acid rain problem.
I love intelligent men.
I guess they're okay.
This place is great. I mean...
It's beautiful. I mean, the...
Who decorated it, anyway?
I did.
Great.
Pillows, and everything. Nice.
I mean, you know,
most people don't do things...
and I think that...
I mean, that's... They... You do.
I mean, you do. You're a doer.
I mean, you are a doer.
You're a...
Beautiful dress, too.
I guess you made that yourself.
I bet my mom would love
to borrow the pattern.
I mean, my mom, she's great.
I have a picture of my family in my wallet.
You might take a look,
as long as you're down there.
There's some Life Savers
in that other pocket, there.
What's he like?
Another crazy we don't need?
Is he cute?
Kind of a square. Sort of a jock.
Enough!
Our new young recruit
will be joining us for Halloween.
Countess expects you all
to take him under your wings...
and make him feel at home
for the first hundred years.
You got that?
She found a virgin! We're home free.
I remember when I met the Countess.
The day she bit me
was the sweetest day of my young life.
There's an inch of dust under there.
How come he rates that deluxe job?
These are the 1980s.
Not the Age of Innocence.
A young man needs plenty of room.
Sunrise in an hour. I suggest that you all...
get an early day.
- Good day, Sebastian.
- Good day.
Good night, Sebastian.
He's still asleep.
How was he?
Delicious.
Are you positive he's a virgin?
I haven't had anything this pure
since the Vienna Boys' Choir hit town.
Just make sure he doesn't slip away.
He won't escape me.
What'll we do with him?
We can't very well
put him down with the others yet.
Heavens, no. Let him go home
and build up his strength.
Tired blood is of no use to me.
Are you feeling better?
Sebastian brought you some orange juice.
Sir.
Thank you.
I'll just go check on the gentleman's truck.
What happened?
Do you remember anything?
Not much.
I had the weirdest dream.
You know those little packets
of fresh fruit juice...
made out of tin foil, where you
stick little straws in them to open them?
I think I dreamt that I was one of those.
What did happen, anyway?
Let's just say...
you earned your juice.
- I did?
- You certainly did.
Really? That's great.
I don't believe it. It finally happened.
Did I enjoy it?
We'll be seeing each other again soon?
Yeah.
I have a bit of a problem.
- A problem?
- Yeah.
See, I'm sort of committed...
to this really nice girl.
I don't mind.
I've often been the other woman.
That's real unselfish of you.
Tell you what, I'll be in touch.
Later, blood.
Start your day off with a smile.
How sweet of you.
Drive carefully.
Remember, part of you belongs to me now.
I'll see you in your dreams.
Sure thing.
Rare hamburger, please.
Very rare, please.
Can I have one of those uncooked ones?
Right.
Hey, stud.
What happened to you guys Saturday night?
I called you Sunday, but you were out.
It was a total disaster.
I don't know.
The strip search was kind of fun.
But, hey, how about you?
Did you go for the pokey?
I don't want to talk about it.
You did it with her, didn't you?
- I guess.
- Jesus, God, those breasts!
Has it changed you any?
I mean, do you feel more manly or mature?
It was all a big mistake. I was so drunk,
I don't remember much, you know.
Come on! Tell us what happened.
Blow by beautiful blow!
Did you undress her slowly...
first baring her big, luscious magoombas?
Did she have any tattoos
or scars or anything?
I told you, I don't remember!
If you're so interested in my sexual failures,
why don't you go have a few of your own?
Robin, wait a second.
Where'd you find her?
A 7-Eleven, a bowling alley?
Wait up!
Saturday night,
the three of us went up to Hollywood.
Hollywood?
It was Russ's stupid idea.
You mean to tell me you went home with
a woman you met in a bar in Hollywood?
And?
I don't want to talk about it.
You didn't make love to her?
I think so. I don't know.
You think so? You don't know?
I remember she bit the buttons off my shirt.
The next thing I remember,
Sebastian bringing me orange juice.
- Sebastian?
- The chauffeur.
The chauffeur?
Also like the butler, too.
The butler? You mean
they all saw her bite your buttons?
No!
I mean, I don't know
what happened, exactly.
I can't believe you'll throw away
our relationship on a one-night stand...
with a chauffeur and a butler
and a slut who eats buttons.
But you did, you really did.
You can have your damn ring back!
What am I supposed to do with it?
Use your imagination.
What are you doing?
I'm dissecting this frog.
But you're not a member of this class.
I'm not?
To my knowledge,
you have never attended lab before.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
There.
He's still good.
You in here?
Hi.
What are you doing in there?
Taking a nap.
Are you feeling all right?
Sure, I feel fine. Why?
Your mother thinks
that you should see a doctor.
You've been awful pale lately.
We know you haven't been sleeping...
because we can hear you
pacing the house all night.
I'm fine. Really.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I am a little tense.
- Tense?
Robin and I
have been having some problems.
I see. Everything is under control?
Yeah.
We'll see how you feel in a couple of days.
Just get a good night's sleep.
In the bed.
You know...
make your mother feel better.
I'll close the door.
What has Mark done with his hair?
- I think it's cute.
- It's weird.
So, you and Mark
broke up for good this time?
I don't believe it.
I thought he was different than other guys.
- You know, more sensitive.
- I like a sensitive man.
One who isn't afraid to show his emotions
or cry on your shoulder.
Cracks me up.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I called you 10 times last night.
Why didn't you talk?
There's nothing to talk about.
You go out behind my back,
pick up a woman at a bar...
go home with her,
and then pretend nothing happened.
I don't want to talk about that.
That's not fair. I was drunk.
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
You're not the Mark I thought I knew.
Look at your hair, even.
You look like Jerry Lewis.
I thought I looked more like De Niro.
It looks weird.
I'm sorry, okay?
It's not supposed to be a fashion statement.
I made a stupid mistake. I'm sorry.
I'm a teenager.
I'm supposed to make stupid mistakes.
I wouldn't try to hurt you. You know that.
I guess that's why I've been so mad.
It's because I think
maybe you did what you did because of me.
- Because I was making you so frustrated.
- You weren't.
You were, but you're supposed to.
That's part of being a teenage girl.
You're supposed to say no,
and I am supposed to get pissed off.
You make it sound like the '50s.
I guess I'm an old-fashioned guy.
I really want to do it.
That's what's so funny.
I think I want to do it as much as you do.
There's no such thing.
I just have to know I'm ready.
And I'll know. And I swear I'll tell you.
God.
Okay, Sebastian, out of the closet. Now.
I thought I heard noises.
I was checking for prowlers.
In a $100 scarf, perhaps?
You bought it for $49.99.
Do you mind if we don't go
barhopping tonight? I'm exhausted.
I'm 390 years old.
What's the difference?
I'm so old, I can't remember my own sign.
You'll feel much more secure when Mark
has given you your second transfusion.
Life used to be so simple.
All one had to do to get a good meal...
was go out in the field
and pick up a shepherd or two.
Remember the look of terror
in a peasant's eyes...
when you'd swoop down on him?
And plagues.
Whole cities infested with rats.
People respected the power of a vampire.
It's been three days.
Do you think we ought to go find Mark?
Are you suggesting we invade suburbia?
Bowling alleys, RVs...
Chicken McNuggets?
A laundromat?
There's no better place
to pick up on lonely, bored women.
You can always tell what you're getting into
by checking out their underwear first.
I swear you guys are insane.
You've lost your minds.
What you know about women would fill
an atom-sized piece of toilet paper.
- Oh, yeah? We'll see.
- All right. We'll see.
- See you later.
- Later. Come on, Jamie.
Come on!
Okay, now remember, you ease over...
you check out the hamper...
and then make your move, okay?
All right. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
What do I do if I get lucky?
- Come on, we've been over this 100 times.
- I know.
Okay. Do you have enough money
for a motel room?
Yeah.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Okay, do you have protection?
- Yeah.
You intend to invite four friends?
I didn't know what size I'd need.
Try petite.
Now come on.
Come on, Jamie.
- Maybe we should come back later.
- Come on!
- Hi.
- Hello.
I was wondering if you needed any help...
folding your undergarments or anything?
Hi, there.
I'm Russ and I'm a Sagittarius.
I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners,
and Tolstoy.
I'm a mature person,
and you're a mature person.
So why don't we just skip all the bullshit...
get rid of our inhibitions...
and do what we really want to do?
Sounds good to me.
Why don't we go to your place?
I'll tie you up on your bed.
I'd love to whip you.
We can't do it in my bed!
I sleep with my brother,
and he's a chronic bed wetter.
Maybe next time.
- Jamie?
- Hi.
- So, how'd it go?
- She said no.
- Hi! Can I help you with something?
- Yes, I'm looking for a skirt.
Something that'll go with a grayish blouse.
Any particular color?
- Something in white.
- Okay.
I think I've got just the thing.
Here.
- How about something like this?
- I like that.
Good. We also have it in yellow,
if you prefer.
I like the white.
Why don't you try it on in the dressing
room. I'll be with you in just a minute.
Okay.
What are you doing?
- Shopping.
- Really?
Know what I'm shopping for?
- No, what?
- Kisses.
- What?
- You bit my lip!
I did?
Yeah.
You shouldn't be so sweet.
I kind of like these. What do you think?
Check it out.
They're kind of, you know, black.
That's what I like about them.
All right. Try them on.
I'll get a sweater that'll lighten up
the black pants a little bit.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hello, Mark.
What are you doing here?
Where did you come from?
I've been here watching you.
I'm always watching you.
Here, try this one. It's really neat.
Baby blue. Wouldn't you know.
Wow! That was quick!
Wait a minute. I see another one.
If it's pink, I'm gonna puke.
Honestly, how can you stand
that little twerp?
She's not a little twerp.
I love Robin.
And I love Mark.
Would you just leave me alone?
What're you talking about?
You're the one who asked me...
Don't come in. I don't have any pants on!
Stop it!
I've seen you in your shorts before,
Mark Kendall.
Let the little creep in. I don't mind.
I mind.
- Leave me alone!
- I certainly will.
Boy, you're acting really weird,
you know that?
Listen...
you got to cool it. I mean it.
You know, you're a very pretty lady.
We had a nice time.
But it can't go on forever.
Forever is just what I had in mind.
You don't know what's happening,
do you, Mark?
I know if Robin sees us together,
I'm in big trouble.
Don't be such a big baby.
Please don't bite my buttons.
Are you all right?
What happened?
Guess I must have passed out.
Are you sure you're all right?
Has this happened before?
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
Countess, did you get
your second transfusion?
Of course, and I'll get the third one,
too, despite that girl.
She's got a much stronger hold on him
than I thought.
She's young, she's sweet,
and she's pissing me off.
My God, it lives.
- What time is it?
- 8:15.
- Are you feeling better?
- Better than what? I'm feeling fine.
It's a little bright in here, isn't it?
You don't eat right, you know that?
I'm making your favorite breakfast,
egg burger.
Great.
- What happened to your shirt?
- Shirt?
The one you wore last night.
All the buttons are gone.
That's the second time.
How'd you manage that?
This jogging crap is for the birds.
It's really bad
for your knees and your back, Dad.
You should have told me that five years ago.
- Would you like an egg burger, dear?
- Yes. Thank you.
I'd like to have a little talk with you.
What time is it? I got to go!
- Aren't you going to finish your juice?
- Yeah.
See you tonight.
He couldn't be anemic.
Could he?
- Pushup bar.
- Fudge bar.
- Holy shit!
- Let's get out of here!
I'm sorry, Father.
- Have a drink.
- No.
Father, forgive me,
'cause I think I might have sinned.
Last week, I went to a bar in Hollywood...
where I met this strange woman.
She took me to her house...
and I think we had a good time.
But ever since then,
weird things have been happening.
She keeps following me around!
Even in my dreams, she's there...
you know, just sort of
screwing around with my life!
The worst part...
is that I feel like I'm changing.
I do all these funny things.
I frightened a couple of kids
just by looking at them.
I'm starting to freak out.
You're the only one I can turn to.
- What can I do?
- Get yourself a shovel. You're in deep shit.
Hello, Mark.
I'm not mad.
I just thought we agreed
that we'd dress alike, that's all.
If I had known
you were going to dress as a vampire...
I'm not dressed like a vampire.
I told you, I couldn't get out
and get a costume today.
The point is, I just feel silly
dressed as Jill without Jack.
If anybody asks, tell them
Jack couldn't get it up after the fall.
- Hi, Robin. Hi, Mark.
- Hi, Suzette.
I love your outfits. Let me take your names
for the best costume contest.
Sure.
Robin Pierce...
Jill, sans Jack.
And Mark Kendall...
vampire.
I'm not wearing a costume.
You nut.
- Pinocchio, you look great.
- What are you supposed to be?
I was going to be Gandhi,
but I couldn't find glasses or a mustache...
so now I'm Yul Brynner.
- That's a great vampire...
- I'm not wearing a costume.
I gotta get some punch.
- Hi, Mark.
- Hi, sir.
- Damn that girl!
- If I've been wrong, revise our plan.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Excuse me. May I have your attention
for a moment, please?
Thank you. I'm pleased to announce...
that the winner
of the best-costume contest is...
Mark Kendall as a vampire!
I'm not wearing a costume!
- Robin.
- What happened?
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
It was just... All those kids were
yelling and screaming and freaking out.
They were just glad for you that you won.
I know. It's just... I don't know.
It just felt weird for a second.
- Mark! What is it?
- Look! I'm not there!
Look!
I swear, I wasn't there a minute ago.
It's her. It's that woman.
The one that bit your buttons?
I think she's a vampire,
and I think she's turning me into one.
Turning you into a vampire?
That's why I couldn't see myself.
Vampires don't have a reflection.
But you're there. See?
Oh, my God!
Vampires?
Vampires? Did you say...
Yes! Do I have some books on vampires!
Goodness gracious! Just follow me.
You know, it is most unfortunate...
the shocking reputation
that vampires are having these days.
You know, most people
are basing their opinions...
on those silly vampire movies.
What is this doing here?
Is there such a thing as a female vampire?
But of course. The result of a vampire bite,
just the same as any other vampire.
You know, there are even cases
of cat and dog vampires.
Don't worry about it. The cleaning lady
will fix it when she comes next week.
As I was saying, cat and dog vampires.
And I even remember, once in the 1960s...
a gerbil was bitten in the hind leg...
Could a woman vampire
actually exist today?
Like, maybe in Hollywood?
That's the ideal place.
You see, she can blend in with the crowd.
Could one of these lady vampires
actually bite a guy?
You know, like, a teenage guy?
- How old would he be?
- Like, 18.
I seriously doubt it.
You see, the female vampire
needs the blood of a virgin.
And an 18-year-old boy
would hardly be a virgin, now, would he?
Just hypothetically, what if he was a virgin?
Then I think he has a lot bigger problems
to worry about than female vampires.
If he got bitten, how would you know?
You would then just look for a bite
on the inside of the thigh...
like this one, piercing the artery.
Apparently, attacks so close
to the source of...
In the case of a virgin,
untapped sexual potency...
is what the woman vampire needs
to retain her youth and beauty.
I have over here, somewhere,
a book of plates showing color...
Hello?
Goodness gracious.
Wait up! I have to talk to you about Mark.
- What's going on?
- Mark's been acting strange lately.
- Don't we all?
- But I did some research...
and what I found out is that Mark
may have contracted some sort of disease.
- Like a venereal disease?
- Sort of.
But I need you guys to find out for sure.
What do you want us to do?
I need you to check his inner thigh
for two little sores.
Sores?
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
I thought Mark meant something to you.
If you're really his friends, you'll do this.
All right, we still on for tomorrow night?
I need soap.
The water is too cold!
I need hot water over here.
Now, Jamie, look!
What the hell are you guys doing?
Fags in the shower!
Fag alert!
Great!
This is terrible.
I can't believe this happened.
It's the most humiliating experience
of my life.
This is awful.
This is the suckiest thing
that could ever happen.
The whole school thinks we're gay.
Don't be such a twerp.
Our past histories speak for themselves.
- No one's gonna think we're gay.
- I don't have a past history.
And neither do you. This is it.
We might as well move in together
and get his-and-his towels.
Who cares what those assholes think?
What were they doing in the showers
in the first place?
They were washing.
We were enacting a prison rape scene.
What was that scene in the shower
all about?
That's the thanks I get
for trying to help out a friend?
You're a big help. Thanks a lot.
Did it ever occur to you guys
that maybe you could have asked me?
- Oh, my God!
- She told us to look!
- I knew it. We enjoyed it.
- Jamie, would you shut up?
No, that's it. We're homos.
We're rump rangers.
No!
What the hell?
Why don't you shoot off a cannon? Jesus.
Be careful.
- My stomach is starting to gurgle.
- Will you shut up?
God! Come on!
I got to go to the bathroom.
- Tough shit.
- Tie it off, man.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Goddamn it, will you forget
your function for five minutes?
I can't! This always happens to me
when I'm scared.
Wait.
Help!
Are you okay?
Why did you go with that creep?
"I needed you." That's all he said?
I got to go.
The sooner we get her loose,
the sooner you're gonna.
Work on her feet. Come on!
Sorry.
Mark, you're still a virgin.
She never made love to you.
She just took your blood from...You know.
Can't I have any privacy?
- I hate this whole thing.
- Come on.
Quiet, please.
Gentlemen and ladies...
welcome to this most auspicious occasion.
And now for the unveiling.
Okay. That's not funny now.
Guys, I mean...
All right. Now I'm angry.
Great.
Dearest Mark...
twice, we have shared a mystical experience.
Tonight, the holy third!
Hear, hear.
Please don't bite the buttons off this jacket.
It belongs to my father.
Besides, you might chip a tooth.
They'll hardly bother these.
I don't want to be a vampire.
I'm a day person.
Move away from him! Up against the wall!
Mark, it's me, Robin. Do you remember?
We've known each other forever and ever.
Mark!
I'm the owner of the pants you've been
trying to get into for the last four years.
- Robin?
- Yes.
How would you like your crotch set on fire?
Rough trade.
Stand back!
Put down the cross.
It only works in movies.
Besides, I'm an atheist.
Fire, on the other hand...
Back off!
Come on!
I can be yours, Mark...
forever...
showing you joys
you never dreamed possible...
in your most fevered adolescent slumber.
Mark doesn't want you,
because you're mean and evil.
He wants me,
because I'm nice and sweet and pure.
So fuck off!
After that virgin!
Come on!
- Run!
- Are you crazy? They'll kill you.
They want you, not us. We'll hold them off.
- We will?
- Go!
See you in school tomorrow.
- Hurry up!
- Can I put my pants on?
Holy shit.
All right, they're not here.
You come with us.
The rest of you go that way.
Hello.
Look what got left behind.
Could one of you please show me
where the bathroom is?
Don't let them get away!
- We'll go back this way.
- But...
Trust me, we've got them
right where we want them.
After them!
You bungling idiot!
I'm a mature person,
and you're a mature person.
So why don't we just skip all the bullshit...
get rid of our inhibitions,
and do what we really want to do.
I could have done that.
I haven't had this much fun since,
like, Haight-Ashbury.
So...
what should we do now?
You stay here. We'll go the other way.
Get those doors.
Hurry. Get that one.
Wait a minute!
I have to replace every door
you people smash.
- Can't you at least try the knob first?
- Jocks.
You're too late.
You couldn't have.
You've been in there less than a minute.
You could have...
but you didn't have time to enjoy it.
What time is it?
Midnight.
Somebody get a plastic surgeon. Quick!
I need a virgin!
Countess, don't worry.
There are other virgins out there.
Somewhere, in places like Kansas...
Nebraska.
I'll never find another virgin.
Never!
Now, now. I'll take care of you.
There's always tomorrow.
You know, maybe the Countess is right.
It would be better slower.
Let's find out.
I believe I've created a monster.