O kalyteros mou filos (My Best Friend) (2001)

Directed by Lakis Lazopoulos
and Yorgos Lanthimos
My mother said,
to be happy in life,
you should have the memory of
a goldfish which lasts only 3".
Then it forgets everything.
That's why it's always happy.
By the time it realizes
it's in a fishbowl...
it's already forgotten it.
Same with my friend, Alekos.
Except for a couple
of years...
We've been best friends
since we were six.
A hell of a long time.
We want hair
here and now!
We want hair
here and now!
We want hair
here and now!
- What's going on?
- Bald men.
They've blocked
the road.
- Why?
- They want hair here and now.
- Are they filming a commercial?
- And advertise what?
Their reflection,
I don't know.
What'd ya say?
I've got you on wide-angle.
- Lf I miss my plane!...
- Don't shout.
Just trying to
make up the distance.
While we're waiting,
would you like a bergamot?
- Bergamot?
- European!
My company gave me
this 3-day trip to Paris.
And I'm not missing it
because of any bald guy.
- Can't eat anymore.
- I'll eat it.
I don't see us movin'...
- You'll make it.
- So long.
You won't make it.
- Tell me I made it.
- Unfortunately...
"Unfortunately." You say it
so beautifully.
It's all your fault!
Don't you "Was?" me!
Where's your hair?
Oh, God!
I ripped it out!
- You're the boss.
- I'm the boss.
- You're the king.
- I'm the king.
- You're a horse.
- I'm a horse.
- No, I'm a horse.
- And I'm your black rider...
galloping into your
dark little forest.
I'll stuff
this little pussy.
- He's here, Mom.
- I'm here.
- Where are the others?
- He's my only friend.
What's it to you?
I cooked all this food!
Who's going to eat it!
We will.
- Can I eat the candle?
- Sure!
Our song!
I'll need a by-pass!
I'll blow up this pussy.
Now, the 2nd round
of talks...
I'm Onan Afnan
and you're the Middle East.
- I'm Africa.
- What do you see in the desert?
- Cactus.
- How many?
- What're you thinking?
- What time do the shops close?
Count! Count!
Am I disturbing you?
Am I disturbing you?
- Constantine?
- So you remember my name?
I was drunk. I didn't know
what I was doing.
- Me, too.
- So you fuck your pal's wife?
- You know how it is...
- I'm learning.
Where's my shirt, dammit?
I should've let
you leave.
Your residence permit's
Cut it out,
you jerk!
- Alekos...
- What?
- Beat it. Some other time.
- Listen. I love this woman.
I love him too.
I'm crazy about him.
He screws me like
you never have.
He screws me like you
never have. He screws me...
Okay, I get it!
He screws you
like I never have.
- What's that?
- A knife.
- What're you going to do?
- This has got to end!
Take one, baby.
Thursday's our 6th wedding
I'll be a Greek citizen...
I don't need you
He went to Paris and
I never heard from him again.
Constantine was my whole life.
He was my best friend.
If something's happened to him,
I won't be able to bear it!
That's all.
I think we're missing a leg.
The left one's here.
Must be the right.
- The mountain's big.
- And the leg's small.
Good evening.
- May they always be remembered.
- I found it!
Size 42. Right.
That's it.
We don't want a leg
from another murder.
Bring the head,
I want him intact.
He shouldn't feel that
something's missing.
Why didn't we just
throw him in the sea?
This is his favorite mountain,
the one with the antennas.
He said you could speak to
the whole world from here.
So, speak!
Goodbye, pal.
Have you seen
the damn lighter?
Where the hell...?
Where could that
lighter be?
Don't know. I left it here.
I stepped on some gum.
Constantine throws
it everywhere.
The only time he doesn't chew
is when he's not well.
I'm out of here.
A woman? I can tell.
You're in bad shape!
Don't go stay
with your mother.
Mothers are the worst
after a breakup.
"I told you so!"
Not in the state you're in.
How about a
nail clipper?
as long as it cuts.
My fucking cement shares!
Climb, dammit!
Are you going to
use the whole bottle.
I told you to change cologne.
I can't hide the smell.
Why am I so sexy?
Unlimited mileage.
That's how far
I want to go.
Our phone numbers.
Your keys.
If you need anything,
I'll manage.
- Th... the signal light.
- Th... th... the key.
You'd think I'd
been fucked by Dracula!
What now?
OK, Dora, bye.
- Good afternoon, Alekos.
- My damn mobile battery's dead.
It's your mobile battery,
not a pacemaker's.
This chair relaxes me.
- Now I feel calm.
- Are you sure?
Any food? My feet hurt. I've
got to take up tennis again.
- Did Constantine call?
- Not while I was here.
My damn back. I hurt it
trying to open a window.
- Was the view worth it?
- You know my office view.
- You were at work?
- Where else?
Do I win a prize
for the right answer?
- What's for dinner?
- Yesterday's leftovers.
Nothing from the day
before yesterday?
Don't touch me,
don't touch me.
I stink.
I have to shower.
Am I wrong or have you
changed your cologne?
You mean there's none of
that spinach pie left?
Why hasn't he called?
And you're wrong.
She's got a nose like
Cyrano de Bergerac!
Why does that cologne
remind me of something?
You say something, dear?
I can't hear you.
You're so cute today,
Yes, you're right.
Divorce him.
The kids can't go on living
in this kind of situation.
The usual.
I've saved a little money.
No! I definitely want
to open a gym.
When I get my citizenship
everything will be different.
I'm really interested
in this work.
Not Constantine.
The phone's ringing. It must be
my husband calling from Paris.
Hi, darling.
Have you arrived?
Yes, darling,
I just left the hotel.
- The weather?
- The weather's fine.
- How's Paris?
- Wonderful.
I'm at the Champs Elysees.
I can see the Arc de Triomphe.
- Don't forget my perfume.
- Yes.
- Who's there?
- Some French people.
You haven't found a
French woman have you?
Are you kidding? I'm not
like that, darling.
The battery's running out.
I'II... I'II... fuck you!
Did she fall for it?
Yes, thanks.
I really appreciate this.
- Dumb women.
- Dumb men.
- A double hotdog.
- With everything?
Yes, just hold the onion.
- It won't fit two.
- Oh, it will.
- This particular roll will.
- You know something I don't.
You know, I did ballet
in my youth.
I'm thinking of taking
it up now...
otherwise I don't see myself
making it.
This reminds me of something.
Let's go.
Look towards the light,
over there.
Good! Lift the
ice-cream higher.
That's great.
Now towards the light.
- You first.
- No, you.
We've been here for hours.
I'm freezing.
The others have been
in and out already.
- What if I get stuck?
- What d'you mean?
I saw two dogs doing it
yesterday and they got stuck...
and everyone laughed.
What if I get stuck?
- Want to hear my theory?
- Want to hear mine?
- Lf I get stuck...
- First of all, you don't bark.
And second, I'll come
and unstick you.
- Ready?
- Yes.
When I come,
what do I shout?
"Charge," I don't know,
or "I'm coming, I'm coming!"
Why shout it,
if I'm doing it?
They'll think
I'm an idiot.
Well, boys,
what's it gonna be?
- Where's the girl?
- I'm the girl.
- Where are you going?
- Mom!
Get back! You're useless!
You've made a fool of me!
Your friend will ruin you!
Get back!
- Hello?
- Hello, who is it?
Is that you, Panayotis?
No, I'm not Panayotis.
I just wanted
to talk to someone.
I dialed this number
at random.
I just wanted to say
that I'm an idiot -
an accomplished idiot...
and that my best friend
is screwing my wife.
I just had to tell someone.
Get some sleep, dear. It's been
ten years. Forget the slut!
Hey pal, you a pilot?
If you're not,
can you do me a favor?
Can you give me
your phone number?
- Move it! I'll explain later.
- Where are we going?
Get back here!
I forgot my keys, but I won't
go back anyway.
- Will I go back?
- Got a light?
Just a minute!
- Do we know each other?
- A light!
Where are you going? Are you
married? D'you have a job?
- Did it light OK?
- It's fine.
I'm not well. Let's walk.
My nerves are on edge.
I'm shaking -
but I won't cry.
If I don't walk right now...
Can I lock the car?
Shall I drive you somewhere?
I can't sit still
right now!
- Venia.
- Constantine.
- We've made a deal, right?
- With...?
- The asshole, who else!
- Calm down.
- I'm calm.
- Lf you say so.
I'll tell you the whole story.
Tell me if I'm unreasonable.
You're killing me! Go ahead,
take my fucking stripes, too!
That's all you have to say?
Why're you pressuring me?
You're choking me!
I don't know which way to turn.
What did I do wrong?
I took care of all of you!
Even that bum your brother!
You think I'm made of money?
- Don't you come near me!
- I oughta belt you one!
You leaving?
You wanna leave?
Shut up!
Didn't I tell you,
not more than 6?
Didn't I? I did.
- 6,8, it's all the same.
- 8, 12, 20. Why not an army?
What army?
We said we were gonna
maintain certain standards.
Not more than 6.
Didn't we agree?
We agreed.
Where are you going?
I got my dignity -
my fucking dignity.
You're not going
to walk all over it.
Didn't you know my problem
with the pilot?
You knew it,
but you brought him anyway.
I swear I didn't know.
Don't go! You're not gonna
blow this marriage.
- I'll blow it sky high!
- My love...
- Asshole!
- My love...
See, I have no problem
with group sex, but...
- Not more than 6.
- Yes, us and 4 others.
It doesn't matter whether
they're men or women...
As long as there are 4...
and no pilots.
I feel I'm suffocating
on planes.
When someone's doing it to you,
and says he's a pilot...
I just can't take it.
I lose it.
Like the plane door's closing
on me and I can't function.
- I shouldn't ask, you say...
- But you ask.
He's screwing you. Shouldn't
you know his line of work?
- It's...
- Just curiousity.
Pilot. It's like he's saying:
"Our relationship is over."
Tell me if I'm
being unreasonable.
I didn't say I'm a pilot.
I said I wanted to be one.
You believe all these years,
I've only been with my wife?
Let me see.
I believe you.
- What's your sign again?
- Leo.
- What did you say?
- Group sex is like Marxism.
All for one and one for all.
You meet different people,
scientists. You learn things.
I learnt the term "bioclimatic
home" during group sex.
- Is that so?
- Would you...
And what did you do
when you saw them?
I'll tell you.
First of all,
I'm afraid of heights.
Excuse me, sir.
You can have 'em.
It's me.
I jumped over to the next
balcony. I wanted to think.
What's there to think about?
They were fucking.
See, you avoid that
with group sex.
You don't worry about
your friend,
because everyone
does it together.
Good point.
- What're you doing tomorrow?
- You scare me.
I'm supposed to be in Paris
for the next 2 days.
Great. Tomorrow you're
coming with me.
I'm not good with groups.
Forget it.
- No silly, don't you trust me?
- Frankly, no.
You'll come. Let's go to a
hotel and get some sleep.
My feet are killing me.
You'll pay the bill.
Okay, but let's
get my car.
Can you imitate
an elephant? I can.
I can't.
So the black guy undresses
and his "hose" pops out,
I'm spread out like this,
the Chinaman sees it and
is blown away.
It was endless,
like the Great Wall of China.
Have a nice stay.
I'm talkin' to you.
- Was that in New York City?
- Zuberi City last year. Great!
- I'm worn out.
- A real slut!
The asshole will be
looking for me.
- Do you like your life?
- I hadn't thought about it.
Looks like you've put
everything on hold.
I love the asshole.
We met at a demonstration.
They were leaving Iran, going
into Irak, I can't remember...
He was a cop and
I enjoyed being beaten up.
- In Iran?
- No, silly.
I felt so guilty. I was leftist
with a communist father.
- It takes a while to get over.
- You're telling me!
Where are we
going tomorrow?
All of Athens spread out
before us. I'm hungry.
- I'll get something.
- Forget it.
All dressed up
for the office move?
No, we're moving
offices on Saturday.
I've got an appointment...
it's business.
Big business...
Company insurance.
It's a transport company.
They move animals.
Animals. Well, that's
something new.
Why? There are all
kinds of companies.
This one moves an animal
from here to there.
Sure, they can't leave it
in the same place.
Are you hiding
something, Alekos?
I don't have a girlfriend.
I swear on the coffee...
I'm about to drink.
- Where are we going?
- Hope it's the right roof.
Are we gonna hang clothes?
- Wait!
- For what?
We can only understand
ourselves by speaking up...
this is Stella.
Meet the members of
the group therapy.
Christos, are you
still here?
I've left, got away, escaped...
Tonight I feel like Cuba with
my cigars, my convertibles...
But you know you can't live in
a country without souvlaki.
I'll tell you a
great joke...
Christ is playing tennis
with Naomi Campbell...
- Give me a break.
- Coming to my cousin's bar?
Tonight's an anniversary...
...of the first time
you jerked off?
- Such talk!
- Oops! I'm off.
Theoni, any e-mails from
the apostle Paul?
How are you,
Mr. Alekos?
When you got the truck
waiting outside...
and Belgium's expecting its
apricots at 8:13 on the dot...
you can't have an affair
with the woman you met...
when you stopped
for a quick snack.
I like to take my time
with women.
Let's get back
to Harry...
My Mom didn't like any of
the 63 women I took home...
only Nina, who wanted
to marry me.
But Mom said a winter wedding
was unheard of.
"What mother would wear
a coat to her son's wedding?"
I want to get married,
but I can't.
You call that
an accident?
I've got 8 stitches
in my ear!
Because your wife hit you
over the head.
Insure me against
my wife then.
- Fire, accident and wife.
- It's... life.
Your phone's always busy,
I've lost you.
When I came here,
I was convinced...
I was the reincarnation
of King Jugurtha.
I'd go to the toilet
and wonder...
how would King Jugartha sit?
Like this?
Like this...
like this.
Have you closed
"shop" downstairs?
I'm closing now...
Hold on.
Hi, Daphne.
I'll call you back.
I've got time to
"shop" at 10.
Now I've got to go shopping
with your wife.
I'm walking on a tighrope here.
Tonight, I'm exterminating
your little "shop."
- All-night shopping?
- Something's bothering her.
- Did you like it?
- The roof therapy? Fine.
In the US, everyone's being
psychoanalyzed on rooftops.
You know, roof therapy...
I'm not ashamed to
shout out my problem.
- I have to shout now?
- Give him some time.
- On tomorrow's roof.
- Okay.
I've got premature
- Just the two of you? No kids?
- No.
- Only married?
- Only.
Times have changed.
Here today, there tomorrow.
- The kitchen?
- Let's see the bedroom...
The bathroom
is rather cramped.
I don't have a permanent
relationship right now.
- The garden is large.
- Yes, large.
Sign here, please.
Your husband doesn't need
to see it, you said.
- No, he doesn't.
- OK. You've got my cell number.
Let's see
something else.
You're not helping me
help you.
- I can imagine it, but can't...
- Express it?
That's it.
- The fuchsia does things.
- Great things.
Brightens things up, I'd say.
Matches our puppies, too.
- You've got fuchsia puppies?
- The design on my underpants.
Wrap them up
real fancy with ribbons...
and do that thing with
the scissors...
And give me 50
of those cheap panties.
- To be torn off!
- That's it!
- Stella's great, isn't she?
- Yes, she's got something.
And she's a
straight talker.
- See you at the hotel!
- What's up?
- Boys!
- It's Venia!
- Hey, weren't you sailors?
- No, you've mixed us up again.
Here you are again!
Easy women, cheap booze and
and wild sex in the forest...
- Snap out of it.
- I can't take it anymore.
I was with my babe and guess
who I saw...
coming out of a house with a
guy... Our Constantine's wife.
They're all getting laid, man.
- I'll tell you a great joke...
- You just did. I'm laughin'.
I'm off.
- Don't think about it.
- He ruled it out completely.
There are millions
of other doctors.
People have gone all
over the world
to have a child
and they did it.
I know how much
you wanted one.
It'll happen when
it's meant to.
- I love you so much.
- How much?
A lot.
Was my baby quiet
while I was away?
Were you quiet
while I was out?
We have visitors
this afternoon.
A man. Now don't
be jealous.
He looked handsome.
No, not handsome...
Our life revolves
around details.
I don't want my friend
to worry.
- Constantine?
- Yes.
- And the Rumanian woman?
- I want evidence.
I want to show him
Front, profile.
I tell it like it is.
I'm not tactful.
If she's got him inside her,
I'll tell you.
I won't beat around
the bush.
Manly stuff.
I'm not tactful.
Don't start tonight
We'll all be
together tonight.
Constantine too. Oh boy.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Constantine!
- Constantine, who?
I found him after
all these years.
I looked him straight in the
eye but he didn't recognize me.
It says "Alekos
Zaharopoulos" here.
He's the one who left.
I'm talking about Constantine.
I told you about him. We were
classmates. Then we lost touch.
My first love!
I need a drink.
I wanted to cry.
And I'm impersonating
Why? Why?
Because Thodoros died...
and just as well!
- Calm down.
- Why am I impersonating him?
We had to keep this office.
Everyone trusted him.
Yes, but why am I
impersonating him?
You've got two
fat children.
I could live my life
watching him from afar.
Even if I don't marry him,
I'll tail him.
you're not Thodoros!
You're Lisa.
I'm Lisa.
- Where's Thodoros?
- I'm Thodoros.
And I'm Yolanda.
A lot depends on you.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- It's been a while.
- Come in.
- Do you li e it?
- It's fine.
It's my friend Katy's
I guess she paints
in her spare time.
I can't draw
a thing.
Sure are a lot
of paintings.
- Freud. He likes you.
- He smells problems.
A whisky.
If it doesn't work,
we'll use pills.
I like it that you take me
So, go on.
I'm all ears.
If there is a beginning...
it began 6 years and
She's crazy about you.
Crazy, I tell you.
"Who's that gorgeous hunk?"
She said.
- She called me gorgeous hunk?
- I swear.
May I never clinch
another insurance contract!
- A Rumanian goddess.
- Rumanian?
So what?
She's a goddess.
Did she really
say that, Daphne?
Daphne found her
a job at the restaurant.
She used to work
with me.
But then she had problems
with her residence permit.
- She's very nice.
- So where did she see me?
as we're talking...
she says she'd stay here,
if she met a Greek man.
So I grab the opportunity
and I say...
I have a friend... unmarried.
But she wants to see you, so I
show her that holiday snapshot,
- the one of us on the donkey.
- You showed her that?
All you can see is you
and the donkey.
No, you're in the background,
looking at the camera.
"I want to see him,"
she tells me.
Maybe she'd like me to
come with the donkey?
Do you think this
will work out?
I had a dream about it,
I tell you.
I saw a snowy-white ox
and that only means one thing.
- Marriage.
- Marriage.
- How did I look on the donkey?
- Neat. Now eat your fish.
Go in.
The next day, the ox and
his pal went to a restaurant,
which was anything but
a restaurant.
Come here!
Come back here.
- Where are you going?
- I forgot to put on cologne.
Fuck, is that such
a problem? Here.
And what's more you didn't
say where we're going.
I'm dressed like
a catholic priest...
about to bless
the outrageous.
Look at me!
We've got big ones.
We're not worried.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
In a week, we
were married.
Her residence permit
was expiring.
And for six years
the marriage was fine?
Sexually, it was fine.
At least,
I thought so...
You didn't notice anything
in the corner of her eye?
I didn't look, but there
was nothing in the middle.
I haven't been
to a sexologist,
but isn't 4 times
a week okay?
- What if she wanted 10 times?
- She never said so.
I'm not saying she went
to him for the extra 6.
The reasons are
always much deeper.
It never occurred to you
that Andrea and Alekos...?
No... no...
You don't know when
to stop!
You ate your brother's burgers
and mine!
You ate 8 servings
of french fries!
And you had to top it off with
the last of the spaghetti!
- Thank God, we have no kids.
- I'd like one.
- What does Andrea say?
- No problem.
We haven't taken
it seriously yet.
She'd like
one very much.
Where are they?
Please bring me the shampoo.
Where's Alekos?
Who knows? Probably chasing
an octopus.
- What's this?
- What?
Here, here.
I... um... sat
on a rock...
I felt something.
A little crab must have
been there and it bit me.
Give me a kiss, come on.
A crab with
a set of human teeth.
If you're in love,
crabs have teeth...
and porcupines
don't have quills.
- A falling star.
- Where?
Well I made a wish.
I don't know if
the star heard it.
Are you going to
be like this all night?
You haven't eaten a thing.
Eat your fish.
So that's why you
wanted me to start tomorrow?
He's always
been like that.
He once hit on me
behind Constantine's back.
Why today?
It's our anniversary.
This has been brewing
a long time.
What's more I don't feel the
same passion, the same love.
This is new. You don't feel the
same passion, the same love?
I've decided to
talk to Constantine.
- "My friend," I'll say...
- Friend, huh?
"I'm screwing your wife."
He could be screwing mine.
I don't like that!
You're not screwing me!
I'm not a fence,
I'm a person!
Why're you shouting?
In bed...
This is a table.
Knives, forks, plates.
I'm dressed,
I'm made-up.
- Am I made-up?
- Yes.
I love Constantine.
Let's go. Now.
I loathe you...
...so much.
- How much?
As the squere block.
- Little umbrellas.
- I hate them.
I love them. I shouldn't feel
bad that I'm keeping you.
Do I look like I mind?
- You didn't finish about...
- The love affair?
It was great. I was a student
in Germany...
and was vacationing
in Greece.
He left along with the summer
and I never saw him again.
- His name was Alekos too.
- It seems to go with the name.
- What should I do?
- Give it time...
What does time know,
that I don't?
You'll look back on this
one day and laugh.
If I strangled them now,
I'd laugh today.
What're they doing?
Tell me.
Don't I give you
a good screw?
That's all you
can think of!
Didn't we say I'd be the
brutal exterminator today?
Today we'll play another film.
"Run, Lola Run."
Where are you going?
Get back in here!
Come back, people
are looking at us!
They can see us.
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
I can't see a thing.
Where are you?
What do you want?
- You've got someone else.
- I want to break up.
Alright, fine.
I'll hear arguements.
What're you staring at?
I've never opened up
to a woman before.
I'm impressed with myself.
I've always said everything
to Alekos.
It's different
talking to a man.
You're not ashamed of telling
him that you're a jerk.
You have to tell a man,
while a woman knows it.
Why do I do this
so well, dammit?
I need an expert
to tell me why?
You swore you wouldn't tell
Constantine anything.
I'll insure this pussy.
Forward, soldier,
on to victory!
Go girls before it starts
getting kinky.
- Hey, that's my Vivian!
- Bye, Lilian.
What's the matter?
How can you sleep in your
helmet? Wake up!
What's happening?
Is the enemy here?
You're such a jerk making me
strap myself up here.
I told you I'm afraid of
heights. You take the top bunk.
Have you been
with my Vivian?
Are you kidding?
Before I fuck her,
I always ask first:
"Are you Lilian or Vivian?"
- What does she answer?
- No.
Then why did she ask me
where's the mole on my dick?
- So where did it go?
- Where do you think?
You're the one
with the mole.
Haven't you heard about
the twin syndrome?
Whatever one feels,
the other feels too.
Mine called me Constantine
in bed.
Then she explained
it to me scientifically.
Sometimes she asks me
how the mole got on my dick.
Those twins will drive us
crazy with that mole.
This will really
blow you away...
Last time, mine had an orgasm
without me even touching her.
Obviously yours was having
an orgasm and she felt it.
- On Saturday?
- Yes. Go to sleep.
- Sorry, Alekos.
- That's okay.
You needed to believe him.
You're not so naive.
I'm not, huh?
Just pretending?
You come, we screw, you leave.
That's no relationship.
Don't we smoke
and talk too?
Do we have to talk about
saving the seals?
Not only seals, Alekos,
not only seals...
There's the sea turtle too.
You only know 50 words:
"Baby, you turn me on,
you drive me crazy,
you kill me, take it..."
Our relationship can
be summed up in 50 words.
That's it.
You don't know
basic things about me.
I care about saving the seal,
the orangutango.
- Damn that pronunciation!
- Saving, in general.
Are you ready to face that
they may be madly in love?
Are you kidding?
And you're a psychologist!
I care about even the tiniest
bug in the Amazon!
But when I see you,
I don't think about saving the
penguins dammit! I don't!
Why did God create man
before woman?
First experiments,
then miracles.
Why haven't women
learned how to park?
Why do men honk
their car horn for no reason?
We're not going
to get along.
Good one.
Did my boy buy
panties wholesale?
A gift of 900 panties?
D'you think I'm a whore?
The car has
become an embassy,
but I don't know
of what country.
I forgot to mention...
that was the last time
we made love.
- Just so you know.
- What did she say?
What did you say?
Don't you dare
slam the door on me!
- I've depressed you.
- We'll talk tomorrow.
- Good night.
- Good night.
The paper shredder...
It sucked and chewed it
and almost...
What can I swear on?
Tell me.
I wish I could help but
you've used everything up.
Graves, souls,
there's nothing left, dear.
I won't stoop
to your level.
What can I say?
What can I say?
What can I say?
Having a fuck, eh?
Having a fuck, eh?
Having a fuck, eh?
- Take your time.
- I would've told you.
So I'm finding out
quicker this way?
Don't take it personally.
It happens to everyone.
It's the initial shock,
you know.
- What were you saying?
- Don't stop... please.
- I'll cook some eggs.
- Will you eat with us, Alekos?
Oh, alright.
- Put some clothes on.
- He's talking to you.
I'll make some
french fries, too.
- You'll eat some, won't you?
- Fuck the fries.
I'll fuck them, because
you've already...
Hey, she didn't go
with a stranger.
- I'm starving.
- It makes you hungry.
You're caressing
my leg.
Play with me, too.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Was it the last time?
Will it be the last time?
Your coffee, Mr. Alekos.
Take it away!
- What's in the coffee?
- Coffee.
- Apart from coffee?
- Your problem...
that it's not pleasant
when you drink it.
I want us to talk!
You know.
It's not my fault that
I can't get it up.
It might be due to stress,
or pollution...
it could be hereditary,
or due to age.
- There's so much.
- Where are you going?
- Don't be surprised if...
- I get it up?
Heavy stuff so early
in the morning!
I'll drink tea.
fuck me.
rip me apart.
Should I write it
on a neon sign?
"This is the last screw."
You're not a man.
You don't understand.
- Right?
- Right.
If I'd known,
I'd have given it my all.
But then what
would you be left with?
Are you sure I had
an orgasm with you?
I'm not gonna drink
coffee today.
I can't believe
you didn't have an orgasm.
- What about all that screaming?
- Special effects.
I can do it
for you now...
- I'm kidding.
- Why?
I'm dying and you're
playing 8-ball.
Go away,
I'm losing.
- You used me.
- It's over for me.
We'll be on the news,
Andrea, I warn you.
- Don't push me!
- Beat it, you jerk!
It was absurd for Odysseus
to expect Penelope to wait.
She was probably screwing.
- It's Odysseus' problem.
- It's Constantine's problem.
But why did Odysseus
have to go through so much?
Only to leave Troy and find
his wife on all fours...?
If he knew, he'd have
gone somewhere else.
He wouldn't have gone
to Ithaca, but to...
- Yannis?
- Yes.
I don't think the point is
Penelope and Odysseus.
I think it's
Abbott and Costello,
Bolek and Lolek.
Let's not psychoanalyze
it anymore.
It's an asshole's ego trip and
it just happened to be me.
I know what I have to do...
I'm an asshole!
You're not the only one!
See if you like them.
They're beautiful.
Beautiful and large.
Faces Northeast, eh?
Rooftop therapy's not really
my goal in life.
It's fine but I took over
because Katy got ill.
Things will be better
for me in Germany.
What if I say
that I'll miss you?
I've heard that before.
Venia's disappeared again?
No, she left a message.
She's gone back to...
You can stay the night
with me,
if Freud doesn't bother you,
or I for that matter.
On the contrary.
This wasn't
something I'd planned.
I've got to go
to bed.
I have to pack tomorrow.
I told you. There nothing
to keep me here.
You could be right.
I just want to thank you.
Thank Venia.
I'd like to go with
you tomorrow...
and not be at
my wedding anniversary.
Don't rush things.
There's still fog up ahead.
Am I in danger?
You, inside!
I hope you'll be fine
on the sofa.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Not a word.
You have to tell him,
he's your friend.
He should know
about his wife.
If you tell him,
we're through.
I'll say it in my own way,
without really telling him.
- Do you change bandages?
- As soon as Mr. Alekos gives...
Good morning.
- How was Paris?
- Just great.
Is the Eiffel Tower
still high?
- There's a reason I'm asking.
- Really?
- Theoni!
- Was it nice?
Yes. How was the love affair
while I was gone?
It's no joke. He won't even
insure my brother.
- What happened to the priest?
- His cassock caught fire again.
We'll insure him
against the holocaust.
- Goldfish!
- You're such an asshole.
Couldn't you call to say
you were okay?
Important thing is you had
a good time, right?
It was beyond perfect.
It was fantastic.
They say Frenchwomen use
perfume, so they don't stink.
- Any luck?
- You know that's not my style.
If you don't screw around
now, when will you?
Are you screwing around
these days?
No, but the thought
does cross my mind.
But it doesn't
stay there?
If it did,
you'd tell me, wouldn't you?
You'd be the first to know.
- Want to hear a joke?
- No.
A guy goes to the
Eiffel Tower and says...
"My God, I'm so short."
"Don't worry," says
the Eiffel Tower,
"with your cuckold's horns,
you're as tall as I am."
It's a joke!
Thanks for everything.
You have my number...
Have a good trip...
And when the fog clears,
see me. Constantine.
Don't make it raven black.
Just enough to hide the grey.
Raven black!
Don't you be afraid and
let's keep it serious.
So go on, tell me...
I thought as much.
OK, something almost happened,
but it didn't work out.
- Near the Seine?
- At the cathedral.
- Quasimodo's sister?
- No, we're talking goddess!
But if your wife's okay, you
can't. It's psychological.
If she fucks around, however,
with this guy and that guy...
One's enough.
But in my case my wife's
beyond reproach.
- Lf she wasn't...
- lf she wasn't?
I'd kill them both.
- You'd kill her?
- And him.
- Of course... and him.
- Of course.
Don't forget
about tonight.
No, no...
What's tonight?
Our 6th wedding anniversary.
You were my best man.
- Is it hot in here or is it me?
- It's you.
It's coming out raven black!
- From Paris to Kozani?
- Yes, Kozani.
I'm leaving
at dawn...
and coming back
on Sunday.
It's an important job.
D'you want to come?
No. If it was
- You'd come to Thessaloniki?
- Absolutely.
But Kozani... holds you back.
- Know who I dreamt about?
- My wife.
- Don't be an asshole.
- I'm kidding.
- That's not funny.
- I laughed.
- I dreamt about Stella.
- Who?
My 8-month love affair?
Daphne's great,
but she doesn't do it for me.
Of course, Stella wouldn't
have waited for me.
She has kids by now...
but it turns me on
to think about it.
- How do I look?
- You look fine.
How would I look...
with a kid?
- What kid?
- A kid.
A real kid?
Andrea asked me
not to tell you.
She said especially not you.
But if I don't tell you,
who do I tell?
No way.
Of course the dates
don't quite match...
But the father could hardly
be someone else, right?
Nowadays they can find out
through the DN A.
No way, man.
The chicken.
With lemon sauce, rosemary,
thyme, fennel...
- Budapest olives...
- Prague prunes...
Is there anything
it doesn't have?
I'll have duck
with goose sauce.
Duck with orange
goose sauce.
It's as if it
were yesterday.
It feels the same...
a burning sensation.
- Steak.
- After studying the whole menu?
Is that a problem?
I'll have whatever
my friend has.
The friend's steak...
So, how was Paris?
Your first time, right?
No. Wonderful! I'll tell
you a joke I heard there.
A Spanish guy sees his best
friend fucking his wife.
"Buenos dias," he says,
"Buenas tardes," she says.
And from the closet,
you hear, "Ooooooo..."
Come on, it's a
great restaurant.
- Let's go now!
- Why?
- I'll tell you later.
- Hey, wait!
What a shame.
You're so rude.
...and the Spanish guy
yells, "Let's get organized!"
- Are you on coke?
- I just feel incredibly high.
I've got a
terrible headache.
- It must be a migraine.
- I read in Paris...
When half of your head
thinks something,
and the other half
something else, then...
- You get a migraine.
- Yes.
Come on,
I'm just kidding.
- To our love.
- To our passion.
- To your passion.
- To your love.
To the heir!
What's wrong?
You've got no imagination when
it comes to lovemaking.
And if you haven't, some
other guy will screw her.
If he's a prince...
then I'm a bullfighter.
No. Emperor Nero...
I'll make it sizzle...
Open the door!
I'm off to Kozani.
Back on Sunday.
I adore you. It was wonderful.
Hi. Have you parked?
Come on up.
The fucking paper came!
My fucking citizenship.
- You must be happy now.
- I am.
- I'll call you.
- I'll be at the gym.
It finally came.
You're flying high.
Alekos, I'm calling you
from Kozani.
Please drop by the house
and talk to Andrea.
Don't tell her
I called you.
She wants to
have an abortion.
- Please speak to her.
- Okay, bye.
You haven't called me
with any information.
I'll tell you up close.
- Can't you tell me from afar?
- I've got evidence.
- Is she at home?
- No, she's at the gym.
I'm on my way.
- Where are you going?
- To Miami.
Did you book a hotel?
It's a joke.
- Hello?
- You don't know me.
- Lf you say so.
- I'm a woman who loves you.
Because I love you, I want you
to know that...
your wife is sleeping with
your best friend Alekos.
Right now, she's at
the "Jump & Jump" gym.
- Everyone's jumping.
- Jump & Jump.
When you find out
who I am...
Everyone knows
she's screwing around.
You're crazy.
What're you doing here?
I can't believe our
relationship's over.
Well, believe it and scram.
How did you find me?
I ran around
and found you.
I'm going to tell
Constantine and Daphne,
but I've got something
to tell you.
I can't talk while
I'm running. It's impossible.
- Stop.
- How does it stop?
I won't let you
get rid of this baby.
The baby's mine...
unless it's his.
- What're you doing?
- You're a fool.
Don't increase
the speed!
Don't do that to me.
How does it stop?
It's like a motorway -
no traffic lights.
If it's a boy...
How does this thing stop?
Hey, pal!
Hey... mercy!
This is killing me!
What do I press?
Have I done something?
What have I done? Excuse me...
- It's for women only.
- What have I done?
I know there's someone else.
I've got proof,
but I don't care about that.
I want to know whose
baby it is.
- Is it his? Mine? Whose?
- It's his.
- I'm sweating.
- You're in a sauna.
Okay, okay we'll talk,
we won't just fuck.
I'm to blame, I know.
We can talk about anything you
like... world poverty...
photosynthesis... the Ionely
distance between main arteries.
What're you
talking about?
How do those fucking
camels stand the heat?
We can talk about the negative
aspects of this topic, too.
- Alekos? Hi.
- Constantine?
Any excuses or are we
discussing this in 10 years?
I wake up this morning and
what do I decide?
Or rather I don't decide...
how life turns out...
How does life turn out?
How does it turn out, Alekos?
You talk, Alekos,
I feel terrible.
You're not the
only one.
- This isn't a good place.
- Were we looking for one?
Are the two of us going to talk
about it, or the three of us...
or is the slut
going to stay?
- Should the slut leave?
- Yes!
Well, spit on me, go on!
Don't beg me, it's top
of my list of priorities.
Just move over a bit,
so I don't miss.
Asshole, what we had
was more important than her.
You prick! I've known you
since we were six.
How could you look me
in the eyes all these years?
- You think it was easy?
- It wasn't?
No! Pass me the shampoo.
Each day, I tried to find
the courage to tell you.
And you still haven't.
Of course nothing really
earthshaking happened.
- We didn't...
- I saw you.
The water's freezing.
We shouldn't have gone in.
You're unbelievable.
I'm serious. I was a black stud
in my past life.
Well, in this life,
you haven't slowed down much.
I've always envied you,
except for one thing...
that you can forget everything
in a few seconds.
- I don't remember that.
- How could you?
I was proud I had
the memory of an elephant.
But now I envy your
goldfish memory.
Everything would
have been different.
What are you saying?
Speak clearly.
Only if I make marriage...
not real marriage...
- then I stay.
- All right.
I've got a friend - friend -
He'll marry you and
we'll still be together.
- Constantine?
- You know him?
I don't.
Daphne say Constantine...
I not understand.
This friend say okay?
Oh, mama! He'll fall
in love with you right away.
What? My mama?
I fell in love with her. What
could I do? I was losing her.
I kept saying that
I'd find the courage...
and the right moment
to tell you.
- You'd remember, then forgot.
- That's it.
Congratulations! We'll never
speak to each other again.
- You're bitter.
- How else should I be?
Let's go to the
bumper cars.
After all that, I can't
look you in the eyes.
But it was true
that I loved you.
It's inhuman for a woman to
be wanted only for her money.
Find a woman
who really deserves you.
It's tough to find out
that her husband
is having an affair
with her best friend.
One thing I'll swear to you.
I'll never see Alekos again.
I loved you, Alekos.
You never realized that.
Here are the tapes from
Thodoros, and this is from me.
- What is it?
- You'll need it.
- What is it?
- Grass.
I can't even roll over...
how can I roll a joint?
As soon as you hear the tapes,
it'll come naturally.
You've got to beam yourself
over here right now.
I'm coming, but
there's no way...
You might change your mind
when you hear this.
- I don't think so.
- Listen and see.
It's so great to lie in bed
without a jerk on top of you!
What did they say
at the ministry?
The paperwork's finished.
- When I get those papers...
- She means the citizenship.
They're such morons,
especially my husband.
How did I keep from laughing
all these years?
I know, and you had to
do it with him too.
Thank God, mine stopped
touching me ages ago.
I used to stress him out
so he couldn't get it up.
There's no more pathetic
sight than that!
Constantine's different.
- He's...
- More of a sensitive idiot...
I don't know. The last time I
felt something...
You'll get over it.
Men never understand when
a woman has an orgasm.
All they care about is
how many times.
They'll boast they did it five
times and they might all stink.
At some point, I screamed so
much, it was so fake...
that I was sure
he'd realize it, but no.
They'll be sorry.
You should've seen mine...
whenever I pretended
to be suspicious.
So funny. Make a man feel
guilty and sit back and enjoy.
If Alekos ever finds out
about the will, he'II...
He won't. The lawyer's
a friend of mine.
If Alekos knew I married him
because according to the will...
I get the inheritance after
five years of marriage,
he'd not only stick around,
he'd probably even get it up.
- Maybe.
- Very likely.
If only there was a camera,
so we could see them crying.
- Where are you going?
- To the bathroom.
We need a big,
fat joint for this one.
- Unbelievable!
- Unbelievable.
- Are we two assholes or what?
- Yes, we are.
I was wondering why that waiter
at the restaurant went nuts,
gaping like that.
They were doing touchy-feely
under the table.
And we were beaming like jerks.
- Friends again?
- Kismet.
- Do you recall?
- No, I'm not sleepy at all.
I said recall... you know
like remember...?
- Stella.
- Stella!
- Which Stella?
- The one I met.
No, the one I left.
This time we'll each
have our own Stella.
- What's the deal?
- I don't know...
I'm on another planet.
Someone's gotta stay
and lock the door.
I like this inexplicable
joy that I feel.
Want to let her rip and talk
about some social issue?
I sounded like that
singer Dalaras there.
I feel like a fly
on the ceiling looking down.
Isn't this a
social experience?
- What?
- This... whole fucking thing.
This is great stuff.
From Elbasan in Albania,
like the poet says.
- Which poet?
- Engonopoulos.
How'd you say that?
- What's in it?
- Whatever the courier put in.
I want to turn myself in
to the police.
I can be a witness for
the prosecution.
I'll take a nap.
We are in my home, right?
- I can't tell.
- The ceiling's grey.
Grey, eh?
I must be laughing
like a jerk.
- One brandy and we're off.
- Where to?
There's something keeping
me here. Call me. Stella.
- Stella!
- Stella!
Stella and I got together
that very same night.
I must remember
to tell...