Hi! My name's Buddy.
I'm your new neighbor.
Hi. I'm Alan.
Mighty nice house
you got here, Alan.
Mind if I take a look around?
Uh, s-sure.
Great!
Grownups, houses.
Oh, this is great.
[gasp]
Decorative pillows?
What is this,
the White House?
I don't know.
The door's locked.
McGinty, you clever dog.
I guess I'll just have
to break it down, then,
with brute force! Ow!
Oh.
The window's open.
I probably knocked it open
when I hit the door
with my shoulder.
Now, where's this
Old Man McGinty
I keep hearing about?
You mean my father?
He's asleep.
Oh, really?
Because I heard
evil never sleeps.
What was that?
Oh, nothing. I was just
admiring your bulbs.
It's like Buckingham Palace
in here.
Uh, let's walk.
Okay.
Let's search for clues.
What's there to do in town?
I don't know
because I just moved here.
I haven't lived here
in years.
I just came back
to help my father.
With what, the house?
The yard?
The murders?
What? Did you say murders?
Whoa! Paper plates. Ha ha!
You expecting the pope?
Very classy.
How old are you anyway?
You look kind of young
to be buying a house.
Can I have that in writing?
Ha ha ha!
Oh, we are laughing.
[heavy breathing]
Mystery Team?
Mystery Team.
[breathing heavily]
What's my job?
Dish...washer.
[screaming]
Aah!
Aah!
Hey! Hey! What the hell
is going on here?
Oh, boys! Boys!
What are you doing in here?
I am so sorry.
These are my sons--
Benny and The Jets.
I expected this from you,
Benny, but, The Jets!
I'm calling the police.
No need.
We're the Mystery Team.
Oh.
My father told me
about you guys.
Listen, I know
when you were younger,
my father
was probably cranky
and liked to be left alone,
but he is pretty sick now,
and I'm taking care of him.
This isn't some spooky house.
There are no dastardly plans.
Just a sick old man
on a respirator.
So could you please
leave my father
to pass in peace?
Sorry.
Sorry.
Your father
was a great man.
[clatter]
[shouting]
Why'd you do it,
McGint--?
Sorry.
[ringing]
Jason, Jason, come quick!
There's a mystery afoot!
Somebody stuck their fingers
in Mrs. Kimmel's pie.
What kind of pie, Jamie?
Boysenberry!
[beep]
Duncan. Come in, Duncan.
Duncan here.
We got a code 44
at Mrs. Kimmel's house.
Affirmative.
[bones cracking]
Ohh.
Yeah, I did that.
Charlie. Come in, Charlie.
Code 44
at Mrs. Kimmel's house.
I'm on it.
Still warm.
That means it was hot
when someone stuck
their finger in there.
There's only one kid
crooked enough to do this
but young enough not to know
it would burn you.
Eric McDonald.
Joshua McDonald.
Eric McDonald.
Eric McDonald.
And we know his spot.
[high voice]
Hi. My name's Sammy.
I'm new to this school.
Know where I can get
some pie around here?
Ah, fuck, the Mystery Team.
Ha ha!
I gotcha.
Of course you got me,
motherfucker.
You're 18.
If any teachers
ask where Eric went,
tell them three grownups
took him off the playground
to teach him a lesson
about sticking his finger
in things.
Eww.
Yep. Boysenberry,
all right.
Only one question
remains, Eric.
Why'd you do it?
I'll bet you he gets his kicks
giving old ladies
the heebie-jeebies.
Hell, no. I wanted to see
if it felt like pussy,
like in that movie.
Yeah.
Well,
you learned your lesson,
so try and stay on the straight
and narrow this time.
Okay?
He's a good kid at heart.
Faggots.
Hey, Dad, can I
have the car keys?
[car alarm beeps]
There go three virgins.
[bell rings]
Excuse me. Is this
the principal's office?
Come in, Jason.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I am not Jason.
I am Jason's father,
and I just came down here
to say
that he will be punished,
so there is no need
to suspend him
or call me, Jason's father.
I get a frantic call
from Mr. Daniels
over at Wilson Elementary,
telling me that one
of his students
was taken off the premises
by you.
Do you know
how serious that is?
Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason.
Can you believe
I'm his father?
Jason, I mean.
Jason,
take off the mustache.
We meet again, old friend.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
My science teacher says
my thesis needs to prove
something,
but I think listing
all the dinosaurs
proves there was
a lot of dinosaurs.
Duncan, we got
the yearbooks in today,
and some of the staff
was a little confused.
Why did you fuck us?
Oh, my Trivia Corner.
You guys are stumped, huh?
There's actually an
answer key in the back.
No one said you could
have a Trivia Corner.
Well, Caleb, I just saw
there was a blank page,
so I figured--
You're an asshole.
Look, we're trying to sell
yearbooks.
I figured people
would want to match wits
with the boy genius.
You're not a boy genius.
You just got a book
of some Wacky Facts
in second grade
and memorized them
because no one
wants to be your friend
except those two retards
on your Mystery Team.
Catch you guys later.
C-Catch you guys later.
Can you help me get
started on the ramp?
I'll do you one better.
Just--
I got it.
I'm so close.
Let me stay on the ramp.
Dude, dude, dude,
Hold on, hold on!
You all right.
Yeah. Thank you.
I must
work on that stuff.
Hey, man, can you stop
staring at us in the halls?
It's creepy.
Yeah, okay.
See you at practice.
No, you won't.
You're not on the team.
You can't just say that.
Look, I know
when you were younger,
the whole town,
myself included,
was very amused by you
and the Mystery Kids.
Mystery Team, okay?
Mystery Team.
People
used to call us heroes.
And it really
razzes my berries
when people don't
take us seriously.
I mean, look how big
my magnifying glass is.
Your head's big.
Put that down.
That's enough.
You're an adult.
Act like one.
You're excused.
I cannot wait
to graduate in a month.
I'm so tired of school.
Yeah, I wish
they'd all disappear
like the Lost Colony
of Roanoke.
They'd probably go
"What's Roanoke?"
and I'd go
"Shut up, Caleb."
All we need is one big case
before people start
respecting us again,
like people did
when we were 7.
People respect us.
Charlie,
where's your book bag?
Uh, some kids took it
and filled it with dirt.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi.
Hi, Mrs. Rogers.
You look nice.
Thank you, Charlie.
Yeah,
when I look at you,
it feels like my body's
smiling, you know?
Yeah.
So got any plans
tonight, honey?
Going out? Maybe a party
with girls there?
Oh, yuck, Mom.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Where are you going
all dressed up like that?
Union meeting
about a strike.
I can't believe
they sold the lumber yard
to this Holden & Charles,
knowing full well
that's the only thing
keeping this town alive.
I'm going to get put
out of work by these assholes.
[Mom]
Darryl.
Hey, Dad,
Mom wants me
to go to a party
with girls there.
Can you say gross?
I can say disappointed.
Gross.
Oh, that little girl's back.
[Jason]
What?
She's been coming by
all afternoon.
Something
about a mystery.
A client.
I wish we had a girl.
Hi. Are you the Mystery Team?
The original and best.
I'm Brianna. I have a mystery
for you to solve.
Here's a dime.
What can we do for you, ma'am?
Just fill out this form
real quick.
Mark the box by
the appropriate mystery.
There's lost kitten,
hopscotch dispute,
sack lunch fraud.
Kids your age
are our best customers
and also guilty
of nearly 100%
of the cases we solve.
Whatever it is,
we can handle it.
Can you find out
who killed my parents?
They got killed last night.
They took Mommy's ring.
It was really old and special
because it was Grandma's.
I'm going to go
have a word
with my two partners.
Is that okay?
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh, my geez.
I know.
Who's going to tell her
we can't help her?
What? What are you
talking about?
This is exactly what we
wanted-- a real case.
This isn't a real case,
okay?
This is just
some sad little kid.
And besides, the Mystery doesn't solve murders.
Are you kidding?
What does it say
on our sign?
We'll also work
for fruit roll-ups.
The other sign.
No case too hard,
no case too tough.
But that's not--
What's harder and tougher
than a murder?
Then people will know
we're legitimate.
What are we going
to do, huh?
Just walk into
the police station
and tell them
we're taking the case?
They'll just laugh at us.
That's why we won't
tell the police.
Oh, no. Now you're starting
to sound like Dad.
You guys are worse
than the principal.
Everyone's saying
that we can't do this.
Well, I say we can.
Let's show them
that we're detectives--
grown-up detectives
solving grown-up mysteries.
Mystery Team?
Mystery Team.
Mystery Team.
[Young woman]
Brianna!
Jesus, Brianna.
I told you not to wander
away from me like that.
I've been looking for you
for, like, 20 minutes.
I'm sorry. Can we help you?
I'm sorry
if she bothered you.
You cannot go off the street
like that, okay?
This is my sister
Kelly.
That's enough.
I'm sorry about what happened.
If you need a place to stay,
we keep an extra sleeping bad
under the stand
in case of emergencies.
We're staying with a work
friend of my dad's
until Child Services
figures out
what to do with us.
Yeah, it's, uh,
probably better.
It's a big house
on the hill.
Come on.
Actually, um,
we'd like to take
a statement.
What?
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
We're the Mystery Team.
We solve mysteries,
and your sister,
um, hired us
to find out who...
killed.
Listen,
she's 8 years old.
She thinks Mommy and Daddy
are on a long vacation
in heaven, okay?
So just let it go.
But we can help.
We're real detectives.
No, thanks.
We can get your ring back.
Yay!
Baby, you have to forget
about the ring, okay?
It's special.
It's not special.
The only thing I'm worried
about right now is you.
We can get your ring back.
I promise.
Big house up on a hill.
Maybe they're staying
at that place
up on Cedar Street?
Yeah, it's great.
I mean, it's not great
that her parents died.
It's great for the case
that she lives so close
and that she sleeps...
right there.
Okay. Let's show them what
the old Mystery Team can do.
The old Mystery never solved a murder.
What about the time
that frog got run over?
That's not the same thing.
Yes, it is.
A crime is a crime,
from the tiniest marble
that rolls down a storm drain
to an autographed baseball
that rolls down a storm drain.
Now who's doing this?
Because I'm in.
I'm in.
To the storm drain.
No, Charlie.
No.
Okay.
Now remember,
this is murder,
so we're looking
at older suspects--
grades 4 through 6--
kids who have been
lost in the system.
Maybe it's Jimmy Miller.
He's been hot ever since
the "two milks at lunch"
incident.
My money's
on Joey Cartwright.
He's got nothing
to lose.
Wrote "penis"
on his arm
in permanent ink.
Fellas, I think
we found our guy.
He's a little
out of our age range,
but in all of Oakdale,
there's only one fiend
dastardly enough for murder.
[all]
Old Man McGinty.
He still live in that
spooky old house
on Sycamore Street?
Ha ha ha!
Does water boil
to 100 degrees Celsius?
It does.
Good.
Then he lives there,
then.
[shouting]
Why'd you do it,
McGint--
Well, it looks like crankiness
runs in the McGinty family.
Yeah. We can definitely
rule out Old Man McGinty
as a suspect.
Yeah. He couldn't
murder anyone.
He's practically
a corpse himself.
a corpse himself.
Practically
I think we're going
to have to rule out
all the usual suspects.
Even Billy Meyers.
What?
I know.
he punched a dog
in the face.
But murder is an entirely
different game.
Yeah. Besides,
he couldn't murder anyone.
He's practically
a corpse himself.
Yeah, we got it, Charlie.
Okay, okay.
Tomorrow
we hit the ground running,
take this on
like real detectives.
Oh, are we going to visit
the scene of the crime?
Better.
Ha ha ha!
Clues.
Thank you for your
cooperation.
"The double homicide
of Karen and Barton Peters
"has left the Oakdale Police
baffled.
"At approximately 5:45 a.m.,
"the couple was shot
fatally in their home
"at 42 Maple Hill Road.
"A vehicle
was heard speeding off.
"The Chief of Police
said in a statement
"all preliminary signs
indicate
"that this was
a robbery attempt.
"Peters moved to Oakdale
with his family one week ago
"to represent the Holden
& Charles Corporation
in negotiations regarding
the ongoing lumber strike."
This doesn't give us
any names.
How are we supposed
to find suspects?
Want me to go down
to the playground?
Bust a few heads?
No, no, no, no, no.
We got to do this by the book.
Let's get a statement
from Brianna.
She might know something.
[Brianna]
I'll get it, Mrs. Finney.
The Mystery Team.
Can we come in, Brianna?
We have a few questions
we'd like to ask.
Okay, Brianna, we're
going to do something
called good cop-bad cop.
It's like a game.
I'm going to pretend
to be mean,
but it's just part
of the game, okay?
Wipe that smile off your face.
You think this is a game?
I-- Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just pretending, remember?
Okay, now Duncan's
going to come in,
and he's going to be
the good cop.
That'll be fun, right? Okay.
My partner.
The guy's an animal,
right?
You doing okay?
Can I get you anything?
Apple juice?
You know, I can
make this real easy.
All right, the gloves
are coming off.
[giggling]
Brianna?
What the hell
are you guys doing?
Are these friends
of yours, Kelly?
No. Better.
We're the Mystery Team.
My name's Jason,
the master of disguise.
I'm Duncan, the boy genius.
And I'm Charlie,
the strongest kid in town.
Ow!
Ohh!
What is wrong with you?
Sorry. Sorry.
They're my friends.
Oh, boy.
Let's clean you up.
Honey, get
some paper towels.
Why are you here?
Now just relax, okay?
We were just shaking
your sister down--
Out. Now.
Hey.
Is that your book?
Yeah. Great
detective work.
Now can you leave?
21st Century Detectives?
This is a book
about being a detective.
[burp]
[coughing]
Someone
stole that guy's face.
[cough]
The Somerville Slasher.
They made a really bad
movie about him.
Oh, I see. You're
reopening the case.
No. I used to want to be
a forensic pathologist.
Oh.
Oh, that's like
a baby doctor, right?
No. It's like a detective,
but with science.
Oh, neato.
Why'd you stop?
I don't know.
I grew out of it.
It was stupid.
Hey, following your dreams
is never stupid,
unless you dream about water
and then you pee the bed
last Thursday.
What?
For example. Uh--
Just hold that up there.
You should be fine.
Thanks, Mr. Finney.
Oh. Uh, we should go.
Charlie?
I'm not sure if it's, like,
a little kid word
or something,
but he said he wanted to stick
his finger in the pie
to see if it felt like a--
[Jason, Duncan]
Charlie!
All right,
I'll make you a deal.
If we find your ring,
then you'll believe
that I'm a real detective.
Deal?
Great.
What do we do now?
If we can't talk
to the victims' family,
we're going to have to go
to the street for information.
Time to hit up
our best informant.
Jordy.
Jordy.
Duncan.
Jordy.
Oh, shut it.
It's the Mystery Team!
What is up, you guys?
Hey, Jordy.
What's buzzin', cousin?
Stayin' cool, fool.
Oh. Hey, I got a new
gum flavor for you.
It's, uh,
Watermelon Whirlpool.
Yeah,
put it in your mouth.
Oh, thanks.
That's so boss.
It's on me.
Neato.
Wow, I haven't seen
you guys in a while.
You guys used to come in here
all the time back in the day.
You guys
would solve a crime,
and then you would
come in here,
and I would give you
free ice cream.
Ha ha ha!
And we're still doing it.
You guys
are still solving crimes,
and sure enough,
I'm still right here.
We're doing it.
[laughing]
Yeah.
Actually, Jordy,
we're here to get some info.
Yeah, we're
trying to solve
a double murder.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Would you happen
to know of anybody
who'd be peeping
in the area
of 42 Maple Hill Road
at around 5:45
yesterday morning?
Yeah, that would be Sam
around that time.
Who?
Sam. he's a homeless
gentleman.
He's always
walking around.
Comes in here
every morning
and gets
a pack of smokes.
Definitely a hobo.
They're constantly smoking
to keep their lungs sharp
for box car jumping.
What?
Oh, it's in this book
I read.
Sully
the Wandering Tramp.
It's a gritty
and honest portrayal
of the complexities
of hobo society.
Neato. Where can we
find this Sam?
Check behind
the copy center,
where they make
the copies.
Thanks, Jordy.
No prob, Bob.
Hey, Jason.
Paying you in advance,
buddy.
Ice cream!
Ice cream.
Oh, ice cream.
Thanks, Jordy.
You got it.
Ha ha! We're back!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay. Now, if you
have any trouble,
we're right
around the corner.
If they're grumpy,
just cut a bean in half
and offer to share it
with them.
Here. Don't forget
your bindle.
It has your hobo
treasures in it.
You mean trash?
Charlie, respect
their culture.
All right. I'm going in.
Well,
don't just stand there.
Back me up
on the brown jug.
Hey. What do you want?
I'm looking for Sam.
I'm Sam.
Oh. Well, I'm hoping
to swap stories
with you, my friend.
You didn't see
or find anything
over at 42 Maple Hill
Road the other morn.
I saw a van speed away.
Some stuff flew out.
Bully.
We'll, I'd like to take
a gander at your haul,
if you don't mind.
All right. Hobo dollars?
Real dollars.
You sure?
I got buttons.
You guys owe me 20 bucks.
Oh, man, this is
my lunch money.
Dad's going to ask
for it later.
What kind of clues
did we get?
Ugh, it's pretty hard
to call these clues.
Two bottle caps.
Maybe the perpetrator
likes to drink pop.
The Soda Pop Strangler.
Sounds good to me.
They weren't strangled.
Moving on, then.
A can of bug spray.
Maybe the murderer
was their exterminator.
The exterminator.
He's already in your house.
You trust him.
Your kids love him.
And by that point--
[screaming]
What else do we have?
A Fun Lanes card,
and it's been vandalized.
Let's take this
back to the lab
and cross-reference it
with the doodle archives.
Oh. Right. Like we have
five hours to spare.
I know Fun Lanes.
It's a bowling alley.
You swipe your card,
and they keep track
of your scores.
Huh.
Are you saying this
would have a name on it?
Yeah.
Let's go to Fun Lanes.
Hold on. We should
thank the hobo
so he doesn't
put a curse on us.
Good night, sweet hobo.
May your bindle
be heavy with treasures
but your heart
be light with song.
Excuse me, sir.
Yo.
[all gasp]
[all]
Ricky Appleman.
Great. The fucking
Mysterytards.
Yo, what's up, fellas?
How can I help you?
When did they
let you out, Ricky?
Huh?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Uh, September 15, 2007.
The Case of
the Silver Screen Sneak.
You tried to see
an extra movie
for free.
Not on our watch.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right.
Y'all motherfuckers
ratted me out.
You know,
I can't go see movies
at a theater no more
because of y'all.
Thanks a lot.
You're welcome, and we're
glad you learned your lesson.
Now, if you could just
scan this card for us.
Oh, this one?
You can shove it
up your ass.
You know that won't
work, Ricky.
You're right. He's right.
Uh, listen,
I'm sorry, guys.
Take the card.
Fuck yourselves!
I thought you were about
to tell us a secret.
Mystery bitch.
That's a dumb-ass
haircut.
That computer
is the key to our case.
We're going to need
a diversion
to get that name.
Duncan, you still got
your slingshot?
Always.
Charlie, get ready
to swipe that card.
Just make sure you hit him
in the left shoulder
so he turns to the left.
You sure you can do this?
I'm aiming for the humerus,
which is the longest
bone in the body
above the waist.
I think I'll be okay.
Abort.
Maybe there's a computer
fact in my book
that can help us.
Ah. Here's one.
"By the year 2000,
the average computer
will be as small
as your bedroom."
How old is this?
We could get access
to the computer
if I got a job here.
Ricky could put in
a good word for me.
Swimming muffin,
scuba muffin,
s-- dive muffin.
Muff Diver?
[Jason]
Kelly's ring!
[Duncan]
And he's smoking.
He did it.
But we need
hard evidence
to take back
to the crime lab.
Duncan, you still got
your spy camera?
Always.
Fuck!
What the fuck
are you doing, man?
What a scoop--
local boy bowls.
Well, got to go.
[coughing]
[crunch]
Fuck this shit.
Catch you later, man.
He's leaving.
We got to follow him.
I don't know, Jason.
According to his shirt,
he has no fear.
But we made a promise
to Kelly to get that ring.
You made a promise.
On behalf of us,
the Mystery Team.
Mystery Team?
Mystery Team.
Mystery Team.
All right.
How are we
going to get in?
Gentlemen's club.
Let me see what I can
piece together.
Hello, my good man.
My boyos and I were
in the neighborhood,
and we thought to treat
ourselves to a day of sport
with other gentlemen.
Heigh-ho.
Perhaps there will
be bear baiting?
I'm wearing a top hat.
Gentlemen.
Going to need to see some IDs.
Well, of course.
Yes, uh, all right.
Usual wallet.
Oh, there we go.
Made of diamonds, I think.
Yes, yes.
Velcro will do.
There we go.
Okay.
A library card.
A school ID.
Ya-da-da.
And a folded-up tracing
of a hammerhead shark.
Harrumph.
You got any money?
Uh, me and my colleagues
are positively abreast
with...currency.
Eh?
[sigh]
Go ahead.
Ah, yes.
Yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, I can't wait to bear bait.
I hear the mink
is very good here.
Oh, the mink.
I love mink.
England.
Okay. Remember,
act like gentlemen.
Hello.
Good day, my lady.
My pussy is
so wet for you.
Pussy.
[giggling]
Okay.
Ohh!
Suspect in sight.
There's-- There's
something on your stomach.
It's a C-section scar.
For 20 bucks,
I'll let you come on it.
I'll give you 5 if you
tell me what that means.
Eric?
Oh, shit. 5-0, 5-0!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, man,
what the fuck I do now?
You didn't do anything.
What are you doing here?
My mom works here.
It's better than shaking
your shit on the street.
We're tailing
a suspect.
Do you know that guy?
Oh, yeah. Dougie.
He's in here all the time.
Likes to finger the girls.
Hey, you guys
want to get dry fucked?
No, we're okay.
Yeah, we're good.
Hey, Tammy,
these are my friends.
Show them a good time.
[gasp]
Uh...uh...
perhaps if we pay her,
she'll go away.
They're like pigeons.
Suspect is on the move.
Excuse me, Miss.
I'm sorry.
Ma'am, it's been a pleasure.
You guys okay?
Yep.
Yeah, I'm okay.
Good.
Ow.
Sorry.
My penis.
I think he's in here.
Found him.
[bouncer]
No watching.
Y'all got to go.
Oh. No. See,
this is a stakeout,
so it's fine.
Okay, it's fine.
[gagging]
Charlie, take him out.
I need more time.
[grunting]
Run!
Oh! This stage is wet!
It smells like cold cuts!
[wailing]
[squirt]
Sorry.
Just keep going.
I promise I won't watch.
I'll pay you to watch.
Oh. Sorry.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[urinating]
[clink]
How was it?
You tell me.
Did you fuck--
Are you kidding me?
Get your hand
out of my face.
Do you want to give me
crabs in my eyes?
Where's your ring, man?
What?
The fucking gay-ass ring
you were wearing
all day today.
Where is it?
Did you just drop it?
Did you lose it somewhere?
No.
Let me see it.
No.
Let me see it.
Don't worry about it.
You fucking lost that ring
inside of that slut's
cooch.
Just say it
so everybody can hear it.
I don't care, all right?
I didn't pay for that shit.
Leroy gave it to me.
Talking about that guy
that used to fuck your mom?
Hey, fuck my mom,
all right?
My mom's a slut.
Jason.
Oh, Jason, we know
where the ring is.
It's in
the stripper's vagina.
Not anymore.
What?
When she was peeing...
I heard a clink.
Oh, no.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Well, how are we going
to get it out of there?
This looks like a job
for the boy genius.
What? No, it doesn't
[pounding]
[Jason]
It's the bouncer.
Charlie, Charlie,
the window.
It's too high.
[pounding]
Duncan, you have got
to get this ring, okay?
[pounding]
Hurry!
Ohh!
Everything is in this toilet!
Come on!
Oh! Oh,
there's something sharp
inside of something soft.
Come on! He's coming
through the door!
Got it.
Hurry!
Other hand!
Other hand!
Help me, please!
Just give me the ring.
He's coming!
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Hey, guys.
Great. You brought the ring.
[coughing]
Oh, pork chops and applesauce.
You smell like urine.
Dog urine.
I had to sterilize my hand
after the strip club.
With dog pee?
Yeah. Did you know
a dog's mouth
is cleaner
than a human's mouth?
Therefore, through
the transitive property,
a dog's urine is just
as clean as its saliva
and easier to get.
So you covered your whole
hand in dog pee.
No, Jason.
I'm not an idiot, okay?
I drank it.
But it's worth it, right?
Because we got the ring.
We got a ring.
Kelly needs to tell us
if it's the right one.
What? You seemed
certain it was.
I drank dog pee
over this.
That's your choice.
That's not the issue.
For Pete's sake.
Before you close the door,
we are here to show you
that we are mature
and legitimate detectives.
What the hell is that smell?
I drank dog urine.
Yeah.
You got to leave us alone.
I know, and we will,
but before you go...
is this your ring?
Where did you find this?
It's a long story.
No, it's not. A stripper
peed it into a toilet--
Hey.
Shut up.
The Mystery keeps its promises.
It's in our charter.
For wherever
there is trouble,
when a bully
bursts your bubble,
when a cat's
been shaved to stubble--
when--
Thank you.
This means so much.
I feel bad.
It's my pleasure.
The-- The urine's
kind of backing up on me.
Your skin's so soft.
It's like a dolphin's
probably is.
What?
Hmm?
[coughing]
[water running]
Yeah. I'm sorry, guys.
These are done.
You can borrow
some of my shirts.
Did some get in your pants?
No.
Are-- Are we not just
taking off clothes?
You guys want
something to drink?
[together]
Chocolate milk.
So, like,
what you guys' deal?
Chocolate milk
just tastes better
than regular milk.
No, I mean, like,
the whole dressing up
in little kid costumes thing.
What?
The hair,
the way you talk.
Why do you guys
dress like that?
Because
we're detectives.
Yeah. Who do you
dress in dark clothes?
Because I used to be Goth,
and I don't like shopping.
Is Goth like a forensic
pathologist?
No. Forensic pathologists
study the dead.
Goths dress like the dead
and date closeted
gay guys named Ember.
So what are you guys
going to tell the police?
We--
About that.
We were thinking
that we wouldn't
do that,
and we would just
solve it ourselves.
No.
The cops have to
follow the rules.
We only have to follow
our own rules--
find the clues,
solve the case,
no comic books in bed.
We need our rest.
We're growing boys.
Look, you guys
are really sweet,
and I really appreciate it,
but if you really
want to help,
you'll go to the police
and tell them where
you found the ring.
You boys are lucky. My wife
just did the laundry.
Oh, okay.
So we're definitely
not just taking off
clothes, then.
Gotcha.
All right.
We promise to hand this case
over to professionals.
But if something happens
in the meantime--
auxiliary walkie-talkie.
Now,
be careful with this.
It's two
good report cards
and a summer's
allowance, okay?
Okay.
It's for the best,
Jason.
Personally, I'm glad
we're going to the police.
We're not going to the police.
What? But you just
told Kelly we would.
I told Kelly that we
would hand this over
to professionals.
What does it say on our sign?
Missing kitten
purr-fessionals.
Oh, my God,
I just got that.
We're keeping evidence
from the police, okay?
We could go to jail
for that.
You know
what happens in jail?
No TV.
I'm finishing this case.
Now, are we a team or not?
Jason! There's something fishy
down at the sardine factory!
I think it's fish!
Not now, Jamie.
Are we a team?
Yeah, we're a team.
Yeah. We're a team.
Oh, there he is.
My favorite.
Hey, Jordy.
What do you know
about a kid named Dougie?
Dirty hair, skater shirts.
Oh, Dougie Sanders.
Yeah, he robbed
this place once.
Good kid, though.
He had a ring
we were looking for.
He said somebody named
Leroy gave it to him.
Something
about his mom.
Oh, that guy that used to fuck
his mom a whole bunch.
Leroy Maddox.
Yeah, he was a senior
my second sophomore year.
He is a bad dude.
He's into
some serious drugs.
He was on a drug deal once
that went sour,
then some Bosnians
stole his van door.
Still drove it around,
though.
He don't give a fuck.
Where can we find him?
Last I heard, he worked
at the lumber yard
where they make lumber.
Perfect. We'll go
to the lumber yard,
arrest Leroy,
and Kelly will think
we're real detectives.
Who's Kelly?
Jason's lady friend.
Oh, nice.
You know, the old, uh--
[chuckling]
Yeah, yeah.
Put-- Ahh, right?
Poke her in the eye.
That's not what I meant.
How could you
get that from that?
You, though.
Quite the ladies' man.
No.
You remind me a little of me.
You know what I'm going
to call you from now on?
Little Me!
Just came up with that
right now.
But that's what I'm going
to call you forever.
From now on, that'll be,
like, our little thing,
like you're, like,
a little version of me.
I carry you around
like-- like in a papoose.
It would be amazing.
That's great, Jordy.
That's tops, that's tops.
Okay. Let's go
to the lumber yard,
find this Leroy guy.
Mystery Team?
Mystery Team.
Mystery Team.
Hey.
Just paying you
in advance, buddy.
Oh.
One ice cream is enough
for one day, right?
Paying you in advance,
buddy.
[chuckling]
Okay.
Bye, Jordy.
Bye.
Bye.
Ah, wood.
Nature's metal.
I brought some more wood
to the wood place
because I work here.
Everything go smoothly?
Yes, I established
credibility.
Honestly,
this is breaking
and entering, okay?
It's illegal.
But it's for justice,
so it's legal again.
Okay, look for anything
with Leroy's name on it.
Uh, what the hell are you
doing in my office?
We could ask you
the same question, Greg.
No, you can't.
It's my office.
Yeah, well--
Wait.
You're the kid from
the strip club, right?
And you're the guy who
puts milk in his butt.
Hey, boss,
how was lunch?
It was good.
So...
this is blackmail, huh?
What else do you know?
Lots. Duncan?
The capital of India
is New Delhi.
Hummingbirds
can flap their wings
Fist, heart-- same size.
Stop.
What department does
Leroy Maddox work in?
We want to have
a little chat.
He doesn't work here.
He never did.
But we have information
that says otherwise.
No one by that name
has ever worked here, okay?
Now get out of my office
before I call the police.
But--
Get out!
I guess
Jordy heard wrong.
Did you see his face
when we said Leroy's name?
It flipped faster than
a Sunday morning pancake.
Something's up.
Nothing's up, okay?
We just broke
into a man's office.
What are you doing?
[Charlie]
Leroy's in that picture.
He was lying to us.
Leroy did work here.
Why would he lie?
Because they're in cahoots.
My dad said Holden & Charles
is buying the lumber yard
and getting rid
of the union workers.
And Kelly's dad was a lawyer
for Holden & Charles.
So Greg has Leroy
kill Kelly's dad.
And then he covers
his tracks
by pretending
that Leroy never worked
at the lumber yard.
And this
is the lumber yard.
Right?
Hey, what are you doing?
Who the hell's
going to pay for this?
Me. Leroy Maddox.
Yeah. I work here.
Just--
Just send me a bill.
Actually,
what is the address
that you have for me
in your computer?
Because I'm planning
on moving to Guam.
Ah. Just send the bill there.
I thought you said
you were moving to Guam.
Sir, please stay
out of my affairs.
This must be it.
All right. Our best bet
to infiltrate this place
is as high school students
trying to buy drugs.
We are high school
students.
I know, but we need
to make Leroy think
we're high school students
and not the weirdoes
we go to school with.
Real high school students.
What you want?
Hi. We'd like to buy
some cocaine.
Got money?
Of course. We're
high school students.
We've bought cocaine before.
Get the fuck in here.
That's my girl Destiny.
Hey.
Don't suck their dicks.
You guys cops?
Nope. Just regular
high school students
looking to buy some cocaine
on a Saturday night.
Good.
It's going to be 200
for an 8-ball.
Do we need eight?
You know, let's
treat ourselves.
You're right.
Let's get eight balls.
Yeah. Looks like
we've got a long
night
of cocaine
ahead of us.
Now, uh, do we
have to sign something?
[phone rings]
Because I--
Chill here.
I'll be right back.
Don't suck their dicks.
You want me
to suck your dicks?
No.
No, ma'am.
That's okay.
Thank you, though.
Thank you.
I'm going to go...
to the bathroom.
Ahem.
Mmm.
Yeah, that 50 grand
you put in my account?
I'm thinking now
it ought to be a hundred.
Yeah, well, whether you wanted
them dead or not, they are.
And you take
a fucking chill pill.
Man, I told you we didn't
see the fucking papers.
Papers.
And if I'm really drunk,
I won't even tell them
that I'm having an outbreak.
Now you share something.
Destiny, could you tell
Leroy that I had to go?
Uh, something came up.
What's going on?
He said something about papers
over at Kelly's house.
I got to go over
and check them out.
Stall him.
Stall him? Are you crazy?
Thanks, man.
You're a pal.
I'm really close
to solving this one.
He definitely killed them.
Okay. Bye.
Fuck!
Motherfuck!
He thinks I'm asking.
I ain't fucking asking.
Where's the other one?
Oh, that guy?
We didn't know that guy.
We thought
you knew that guy,
so we should probably
just go, then.
You guys
trying to fuck me?
What?
He said do you guys
want to fuck me?
No, that ain't what I said.
Are you or are you not
trying to fuck me?
We aren't trying
to F anyone.
Look, this is a bad time
to buy cocaine anyway.
I mean, with the market
the way it is,
it is better
to rent cocaine.
Till your friend
comes back,
you guys ain't going
anywhere.
[door opens]
Ow!
Oh, fuck!
Kelly?
What are you doing here?
Getting Brianna's teddy bear.
Oh, my fucking face.
I'm-- I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not.
Whoa, Nelly! I really
got you good, huh?
What?
Ohh.
Wait a minute.
Why are you here?
Um, well, there was
some major progress
in the case, so--
Jason, I swear to God,
I told you--
I know.
You told us to stop.
And that's fine
because you don't know
that you're wrong.
But we got
a really good lead
that something very important
is in this house.
There's nothing here,
okay?
The police took everything
important to the case.
They're professionals.
Okay, did your dad ever
say anything strange
about the union?
No. He did
what he always did.
Holden & Charles,
they would have a problem,
we'd move, and we wouldn't
leave until it was fixed.
Okay, okay.
I'll be more specific.
Did your dad have any...
papers?
Where's your buddy?
I-- I don't know.
But, luckily
for all of us,
I brought
Travel Scrabble.
Or, as I like to call it,
Trabble.
Or Scravel.
I'm going to try
and spell Trabble.
You can't.
It's not a real word.
It's the name of the game,
so I think I can--
You can't spell that.
It's not a real word.
All right,
then I'll spell Scravel.
You know what?
Let's just play
Travel Monopoly.
Or, as I like to call it,
Travopoly.
Shut the fuck up.
Where is he?
He said he'd be right back.
Where is he?
Can I ask you something?
Yep. Spill it, skillet.
[whispering]
That was stupid.
You're so stupid, Jason.
Why are you so obsessed
with my parents?
I'm not obsessed.
Brianna came to us
with a dime.
It's our case.
Yeah, but you could have
just told her to go home
and that the police
would handle it.
That's probably
what I would have done.
Yeah, well, you're not
a real detective, so--
Neither are you.
Well,
your sister thinks I am,
and I don't let down
paying customers.
So this is all
over 10 cents?
No. It--
When the Mystery
first set up shop
in my front yard,
we started arguing
about how much to charge
for a mystery.
And then my next door neighbor
Mr. Williamson came over,
and he said,
"It's not about the dime.
It's about the people."
After that, we charged a dime,
and we never changed it
because he was right.
But he's gone now.
He passed?
Hmm? Oh.
No. No. He's in jail.
Yeah.
Something about pictures
of kids on his computer.
I don't know.
Ew. Gross.
The lesson he taught
was still valid.
Brianna
really believes in us.
That doesn't happen
a lot anymore.
Plus, don't you want
to know who did it?
See him
get hauled off to jail?
That's the fun stuff.
Actually, no, I don't.
it was probably
some really sick
or sad person,
And knowing who did it
isn't going to bring
my parents back.
it's not like my bike
got stolen
and you're going to find it
and everything's
going to be okay.
Where are your parents?
They died. What the fuck
is wrong with you?
No. No. I--
In the picture.
What?
This is the same picture
from your room, right?
Iphedolene?
What is that?
I don't know.
Extremely toxic.
[vehicle approaches]
Whose van is that?
That's Leroy.
Hide.
If he ain't in here,
you two are dead.
Who's Leroy?
He's uh...
He-- He--
He's a drug dealer.
Why is he chasing you?
Because, uh...
Uh, he-- he wanted
to sell me drugs,
and I said no to drugs.
And he was--
he was steamed at me.
Shh.
Duncan, I want to go home.
This is how my clown
dream starts,
and not the good one.
Maybe we can climb out
one of these windows.
Don't you think we should
wait for Jason?
Forget about Jason, okay?
All Jason cares about
is that stupid case
and that know-it-all
Kelly girl.
Still cold.
Someone was here.
Wait. Wait. Wait. It's me.
Jason.
Yeah.
[screaming]
Jason, it's you.
Charlie!
Why did you do that?
Sorry.
I had a delayed reaction.
[sniveling]
Oh, bubbly bottle caps.
Did you get the papers
you needed?
Yeah. He did.
Hey.
What you got there?
I hope you enjoyed making
your last mistake.
He's going to kill you.
Shut up, Destiny.
Where are you taking us?
How about
you close your mouth?
Hey. Leave her alone.
Sir.
I'm going to shoot you
in the head.
I don't mean
to me a bother,
but could you please
keep your eyes
on the road?
I said shut up!
I'll take the wheel.
Let go!
I can do it.
I'm good at it.
Let go, you cunt!
Don't call me a bitch!
Aah!
[brakes screech]
Oww!
Fuck.
You killed her!
You fucking--
Run!
Wait! His phone!
What are you doing?
[glass breaks]
Wait. Where's Jason?
Did we lose him?
Keep running!
Aah!
Kelly!
[police siren]
Let's go.
Is Leroy mad at us?
[phone beeps]
Low battery.
Son of a gun.
Hey, that was crazy,
right?
It's not every day
you see someone
smash their head
into a stop sign.
That was weird.
Yeah, what the fuck
was that?
What the hell's
going on?
Look, a lot of
crazy stuff happened,
and I'm willing to admit
that we may be a bit
out of our league,
so tomorrow we will
go to the police
and tell them everything.
Thank you.
And thanks for sticking up
for me back there.
That was really stupid
but kind of cool.
Thanks.
To the lumber yard.
Are you kidding me?
You just promised Kelly
we would give it up.
I told Kelly that we would
go to the police tomorrow.
We've still got tonight.
Uhh! Your word play.
Look, the union
is behind this, okay?
Kelly's dad
was hiding that paper,
and then Greg paid Leroy
to get it.
Okay, I don't know
what it means,
but the answer's got to be
at the lumber yard.
A murderer shoved
a gun in my face.
I know, and I appreciate that,
but that document had a lot
of scientific stuff on it,
and I'm going to need
help understanding it.
Definitely a job
for a boy genius.
The last time
somebody said that,
I had to stick my hand
in a toilet.
No toilets. I promise.
Great. Let's roll.
Roll on what?
We lost our bikes.
I've got some extra bikes.
Duncan, the alarm.
Okay.
Bingo. We're in.
Wire's cut.
Oh.
Perfect. Well, we won't
have any interruptions
while we're searching
for clu--
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
Aah!
Shut up!
I'm out.
[Jason]
Hey. Hey.
Wait!
Wait, Duncan.
Duncan.
Hey!
Would you stop?
Two dead bodies, okay?
That's my limit. I'm out.
Okay. Wait. We have to see
this thing through.
Just go to the police
and tell them the union
murdered two people.
But they didn't, okay?
The door was open.
The alarm was cut.
If they had been killed,
there would have been
way more blood.
Why would you kill two people
and leave their bodies
for everyone to find?
If you wanted
someone to find them?
Exactly, okay?
Someone else is behind this.
Would you stop
worrying about that
and start worrying about us?
We almost died back there.
I squeezed a turd for you,
and all you care about
is this mystery.
Well, forget it.
I don't know about you,
but I'd like to make it
to see college next year.
Wait.
College?
Yeah. College.
Y-You're
going to college?
Yes, of course. Aren't you?
No.
You didn't
apply for college?
No. No, I didn't, Duncan.
Charlie, did you?
Yeah. I'm going
to U of M next semester.
What?
U of M?
When did this happen?
Jason, we visited
colleges together.
I thought
it was part of a mystery.
We took the SATs together.
What did you think
that was about?
I don't know. I--
I thought
we were goofing around.
You thought we were
just goofing around?
Yes!
What did you think we were
going to do after high school?
I thought we would open up
our own detective agency
in town.
That's stupid. Jason,
we can't do this forever.
But we've got something
really good here.
Wake up, okay?
Our lives are not
that awesome.
Our most consistent
customer has Alzheimer's.
Mrs. Kimmel does not
have Alzheimer's.
She bakes 50 pies a day
for her dead husband.
Most of the pies
are filled with soap.
Okay, well, granted.
If you look through
our case files--
If you look
through our case files,
you'll see that we've
been chasing 6-year-olds
for ten years.
Everyone else has girlfriends.
The only girl
we interact with is Jamie.
Hello, trash can.
How are you today?
Shut up!
Well, excuse me
for thinking the disabled
can be helpful.
Everyone laughs at us.
You want to make it
a career? Well, good luck.
I only kept doing this
because I thought
we were friends,
but friends don't leave you
with crazy, knife-wielding
drug pushers
in the middle of the night.
Hey! Knife fights,
dead bodies, close scrapes.
That's real detective stuff!
You're not a real
detective, Jason!
Everyone's right about you.
You're pathetic.
You take that back!
Don't push me, jerk!
[cough]
[coughing]
Ah, cinnamon sticks.
Ah, Chinese checkers.
Fuck!
[gasp]
[gasp]
Yeah. That's right.
I've been saying
"fuck."
Going in the backyard
and trying it out.
It's pretty great.
You stay away from me.
You know what?
I will.
Come on, Charlie.
Fine.
I don't need you!
I don't need either of you!
I can do this by myself!
[pop]
Ohh!
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Oh.
I bought
some firecrackers.
Summertime tradition.
Hey, remember when I used
to have to steal them?
That was half the fun.
Now I'm so old,
I can just buy them
outright.
Well, it's still fun,
though.
Here. Have one.
Old times' sake.
What happened to you?
I got hit in the face.
Oh, man. You always
have to be very careful
around your face.
Ohh, so close.
So close to my face.
Oh, this one's a dud.
Born dead.
Jordy, can I ask you
a question?
Yeah. Spill it, skillet.
Do you think I could
be a real detective?
Aw, Little Me.
Hey, guys like us,
we're a different breed.
All right?
We live our lives,
you know?
We figured out
what we wanted to do
early on in life,
and we kept doing it
in the exact same way,
no matter what.
Yeah.
Yeah, Little Me, yeah.
You know, it's like
think about it.
You love your detecting,
and I love working
here, you know?
When I was 15 years old,
when I got this job,
I said to myself,
"I am going to work here
until the day
that I kill myself."
And, uh, hello,
I'm still here,
so I must be happy,
right?
It's our world,
you know?
When-- When my friends
went off to school
and when my parents just
moved away out of nowhere,
like, I stayed here
and fulfilled my dream
that I had
when I was 15 years old.
And I don't know
if you've looked around,
but, uh, everything's
pretty great around here,
you know?
Hey! Are you squeezing
that bread?
We got a deal.
We got a deal,
you fucking animal!
Oh, dude,
did you fuck this bread?
You fucked the shit
out of this bread.
You don't fuck bread, God--
Every fucking thing.
Uhh.
Mmm!
Even that guy.
If you think about it,
in his own way,
he's living the dream, too.
You, me,
the bread squeezer.
We did it.
[firecracker pops]
Oh, thumb sucker.
Hey, Little Me,
I'm paying you in advance.
Aah! Oh! No! I'm not you!
I'm not you!
[Kelly]
Brianna, let's go.
Jason?
Kelly. Oh, there have been
so many developments.
Downtown.
There have been so many
developments downtown.
I think they're
building a drugstore.
We should go when it opens.
What happened to your face?
And your bike? Why--
What's behind your ear?
My best friend
hit me with a base,
I ran over a firecracker,
and Mrs. Kimmel,
uh, threw a pie at me
because she thinks
I'm her husband.
You know,
Robert's a cyclist.
He could probably
help you fix your bike
when he gets back,
if he has time.
Oh. Thanks.
Wow. You look nice.
Where are you going,
some kind of hot date?
We're going to the wake.
Oh.
But thank you.
Well, I guess, um,
between
having your parents die
and having a gun
pointed in your face,
this has been
a pretty bad week, huh?
Yeah.
Honestly,
I've just been, like,
drifting by
this whole week.
Nothing even rates anymore.
They hit you with a base?
Yeah. Second base.
What happened?
Those traitors
couldn't handle
real adult mysteries,
okay?
They've always been one ring
short of a full circus.
I don't--
I don't need them.
It doesn't seem like you have
a whole lot of other friends.
Friends only hold you back,
okay?
Duncan and his lame
"Penguins are
from the South Pole,
not the North."
Sucks to you, boy genius.
And Charlie?
Charlie puts the dumb
in dumbbell, okay?
He couldn't knock over
the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Well, that's a building.
He shouldn't be able to--
I was
always the talented one.
I mean, I can do over
a hundred different accents.
Observe. Ahem.
[Middle Eastern accent]
Hello.
[chanting]
Stop.
Okay.
It doesn't sound
like you're
being very fair to them.
Well, news flash.
Life isn't fair.
If life was fair,
I'd have gotten a new
bike for my birthday
instead of that stupid car.
Life isn't fair.
Get used to it.
Hey, I don't need to be told
Life isn't fair, okay?
I'm going to a wake
for both of my parents.
Sorry.
I don't have a lot
of friends, either.
We moved, like,
every nine months
since I was a kid.
Duncan and Charlie,
they seem like
really good friends,
that's all.
Well, if you like them
so much,
why don't you marry them?
You know what?
Maybe you should try
to figure yourself out
before you try to
figure out a mystery.
Hey.
How's the mystery going?
Um, yeah. Actually,
we're going to hand it over
to the police, Brianna.
They're going to take it
from where we left off.
Oh.
Okay.
Brianna.
[whispering]
Not true.
We still got it, okay?
All right.
Okay. Have fun at the wa--
I-- I love you?
Bye.
I'll be 10 minutes behind you.
Jason.
What can I do you for?
We're just two...men
talking here, right?
We're drinking
chocolate milk, aren't we?
Yeah, well--
when it comes to Kelly--
see, my other friends,
they were too immature
to get this,
but, um...
I want to French kiss her.
That's pretty mature.
[clatter]
Oh, boy.
Everyone
take a chill pill.
Man, you take
a fucking chill pill.
Can I use
your cell phone charger?
Mine's out of batteries.
Sure. It's over there
on the counter.
Great.
[phone rings]
I-- I'll get it.
Oh. Uh, thanks.
Who was it?
Aah!
Uh, one of your
corporate buddies.
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a party
celebrating
the lumber yard deal.
It's kind of my baby,
but I feel
it's more important
to go to the wake,
you know?
Yeah. More important.
I got to go.
But your tire.
We didn't fix--
That's fine.
I like the bumps.
[Jason]
Officer Mills!
There are two dead bodies
over at the lumber yard!
I swear!
I'll go check over there
around 10, okay?
No. By 10,
it'll be too late.
You got to go now.
My friend lives
with the murderer.
If it was anybody else,
maybe.
If I'm going to trust you,
I need proof.
[sputtering]
[beep]
Kelly.
Kelly, come in, Kelly.
Robert is dangerous.
I repeat,
Robert is dangerous, okay?
You have to believe me.
Do not go home.
I'm going to Holden & Charles
right now to get...proof.
If you are in a situation
where you cannot respond,
just-- just beep twice,
okay?
[beep beep]
[chanting]
...hey, ho, ho.
Corporate greed
has got to go.
Hey, hey, ho, ho.
Corporate greed
has got to go.
Okay, Jason, this is it.
You have to be
more convincing
than you've ever been before.
Hello.
I am Juan Ranch-huevos,
the Mexican plumber.
I've come
to fix your pipes.
Nice.
Hey. What are you drinking?
Uh, chocolate milk.
Ha ha. Me, too.
Two bourbons.
Name's Jim.
Medical Technologies.
What division you in?
Uh, I'm in
the lumber division.
Lumber? This party's
in your honor, man.
I'll drink to that.
Mmm.
[hawking]
[cough, burp]
You all right?
Yeah, I'm-- I'm fine.
Two more.
[hawking]
Ohh!
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like gasoline.
I love it.
Good. Good gasoline.
I want you
to meet my friends.
Frankie.
Come here, come here.
This is, uh...
Uh, Juan.
Juan, Frank.
This guy's hilarious.
[raspberry]
Let's get some shots
over here.
Yeah, buddy.
No, no. I got to go.
Juan, you are the life
of the party, man.
You must be a real
snatch magnet.
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Guy good with the ladies.
Who's your lucky lady?
Oh. No one.
Uh, there's--
there's a girl named Kelly.
Oh, Kelly-belly!
Shut up, Frank.
This is why your marriage
is such a mess.
She's really something.
It's just I'm--
I'm no good with girls.
Oh, you're whipped.
[imitating whip cracking]
Frank.
Sometimes I wish you didn't
beat that cancer.
I really do.
Funny guy,
but damn, you know?
You going to talk
to this girl or what?
Oh...
I-- I can't do that.
Yeah. You can. Okay?
Don't be like me.
I had a girl like that
back in college,
but I never told her
how I felt.
Now I'm with that
fat piece of shit.
I love you, too.
Heartless badger.
Listen to me.
Tell her you love her.
Don't end up like me.
I'm pretty sad.
You are-- You are
absolutely right.
Absolutely right.
I'm going to tell her
how I feel.
You do it.
I will.
You do it.
First I got to solve
a mystery.
What?
Uh, you're not
supposed to know that.
What are you talking
about, Juan?
I'm going to solve a mystery.
[cough]
Iphedolene-treated wood.
What in the H-E-triple
hockey sticks is this?
Duncan? Charlie?
My best friends.
How'd you guys
get in the office?
We pushed the door
open.
Push? Of course.
Boy genius,
ladies and gentlemen.
Are you drunk?
I'm a little buzzed, yeah.
You smell like Dad.
How'd you guys
know I was here?
We heard you
talking about Robert
on the walkie.
It sounded like
you were in danger,
and Charlie wanted
to come get you.
I guess he has
a soft spot for idiots.
We heard the old
"two beeps if you're
in trouble" signal.
[beep beep]
Did you guys
hear that?
Who else has one
of those? Kelly?
Is Kelly here?
No.
[gun cocks]
Robert!
Robert!
Henry!
Robert. Darn.
Iphedolene is toxic.
You were going to put
hundreds of people
in this town out of work
so you could treat your wood
with cheap stuff
that kills people?
Well, you, sir,
are a grade A crumb-bum.
Are you drunk?
I'm a little buzzed, yeah.
Hand it over.
Whoa. Hi.
You guys are hiding
on your wives, too, huh?
Ha! Just kidding.
Uh, I'll go piss
somewhere else.
Hey!
I'm holdin' my Charles.
[urinating]
Holdin' my Charles.
[laughing]
I'll clean it up.
We're going to have
to wait him out.
I'm sorry.
I'm-- I'm sorry that I said
you guys weren't my friends.
I mean...
you guys
just saved my life,
and only true friends
and hero dogs do that.
I just--
I just thought that if we
weren't detective together,
we wouldn't be
together at all.
You guys are all I have.
It's just...
being with you guys...
is the only time I don't
feel like a weirdo.
I mean, I was just mad
because you guys were
making me grow up,
and I--
I guess what I'm
trying to say is...
I need to figure out myself
before I figure out
a mystery.
That's beautiful.
Did you just make that up?
Yes.
Yes, I did.
It feels good.
Yeah, it does, right?
Feels really good.
The coast is clear.
Hey, Juan.
Hey, Jim.
I'm kind of in a hurry.
I don't want
to hold you up, man.
I just want to give you
a card.
If you ever want to get
out of the lumber
business game,
that's me.
I'll give you a leg up.
Okay. Thanks.
I got to go, too.
Old Frank's going
to shit in the punch bowl
as a goof.
Oh.
Oh, hey, dude,
you tell Kelly
your feelings for her.
Promise.
I promise.
Don't let life p--
Promise.
I-- I promise.
Okay. Drive safe.
Okay.
All right, Frank. Ready?
Hey, I'm sorry about
what I said about Kelly
when you guys
were in the closet.
By the way, how was that?
I'm going to be honest.
I think we had sex.
[Kelly]
Ow. Help.
Kelly?
[Robert]
Come to the lumber yard.
Call the police,
and she dies.
[Robert]
Hello again.
Hi.
How you doing?
Hello.
The document.
What do we do?
Uh, maybe make him
feel guilty.
Then he'll let us go?
Sure did kill a lot of people
just to get your hands
on a measly little document.
I didn't want anyone
to die.
Leroy did that.
Well, Leroy was acting
under your orders, so--
I just wanted him
to scare him.
Peters found out
the stuff was toxic.
He was going to go public
and ruin the company
and me.
More guilt.
Yeah, yeah,
it's working,
it's working.
Yeah, but you killed
Leroy, too, so--
He kept asking for money.
He knew too much.
What now?
Negotiate.
Okay. We'll make you a deal.
We'll give you the documents
if you let us go, okay?
Here are the documents.
Now you have to let us go.
That's the rules.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Those are the rules.
Hands behind your head.
Walk.
We had a deal.
He's going to kill us.
No, Kelly, he is not
going to kill us, okay?
If he was going to kill us,
he'd bring us
to an enclosed space.
Okay, well, I'm sure
that Charlie
can overpower him
because
he's the strongest--
[sobbing]
Okay, well, I'm sure Duncan's
got some sort of fact
that's going to get us
out of this pickle,
right, Duncan?
Did you know that one
out of every one
Duncan Wheelers dies
without ever kissing
a girl?
Okay.
No, I don't
think he will be
killing us, Kelly.
Jason.
Because
he's not a murderer.
What are you doing?
You're not going to kill
a bunch of kids.
I thought you said
we were grown-up detectives
solving grown-up
mysteries.
Hey.
Shut up.
You're going
to get us killed.
He's not going to kill us.
And you know why?
Because deep, deep down,
he is not a murderer.
He's a murderer!
He can do it!
Deep, deep down!
Whoa.
I'm punching you.
Hey, guys,
I'm actually hitting him.
Ahh!
Great gumballs.
[groaning]
It's almost 10.
The police will be here
in a few minutes.
We'll be dead
in a few minutes.
Not if we-- Oh! Ow.
I know it hurts,
but you have to be
quiet, okay?
No. It's not that.
I sat on something.
It was in my pocket.
Duncan, do you still
have your slingshot?
Always.
What are you doing?
Take this.
Okay, I'm going to show you
exactly where he is.
Do not fire until you know
exactly where he is, okay?
Is this
a firecracker?
We only get one shot.
Kelly.
Huh?
He blew into my mouth.
Okay, Jason.
You can do this.
Just shut off the power.
And don't get your face
blowed off.
Okay.
Buckle my shoe.
[phone rings]
[Jason]
Duncan, now!
Oh, fuck.
[thud]
[gurgling]
Holy fudge, what a hit.
Gee whiz.
I hope
those were baby teeth.
What the hell?
Someone stole
that guy's face.
[Kelly]
Jason?
No. No. Eyes open, okay?
Eyes open. Come on.
Hey, let's play
the awake game.
We love that game.
We love that game.
Oh, this really hurts.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, that's fun to say,
right? It's fun?
Yeah. That's really fun.
You were right.
Okay,
just keep your--
Just keep talking,
okay?
Keep your eyes open.
Kelly, you're so neato.
I really like you.
Jim told me to say that.
I don't want to be like him.
He's pretty sad.
And Frank pooped
in the punch bowl.
Jason.
[police radio chatter]
[policeman]
We've got a code 1141.
We've got a gunshot victim
at the lumber yard.
[Eric]
Hey.
Hey. Hey, man,
wake the fuck up.
Ow! Ow!
I was shot there,
you jerk!
Go whine like a little bitch.
I was shot, like, three times.
Whoa! Holy cannoli.
I want to be here
for your first day,
but I got to take care
of something first.
Take your time.
I've been caught
so many times,
I know how it's done.
I've got this.
She's all yours.
Be good to her.
New Mystery Team,
there's a mystery afoot.
Jessica Hellman's diary
is missing.
I think Bobby Moss took it.
Where that nigga live?
Hey, Dad, can I
have the car keys?
Don't forget about
Brianna's recital tonight.
I won't. Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Bye, Brianna.
Bye, Jason.
[car alarm beeps]
Sorry
I'm just getting here.
You getting rid of this, too?
Yeah.
Uh, you're out
of toilet paper,
so I just toughed it out.
Hey, Jason.
Ah. Hey, Charlie.
How are Brianna and Kelly?
They're good, you know.
Brianna's good.
My mom loves
having a little girl,
and Kelly's at Dartmouth,
so I'll see her
at Thanksgiving.
Ah, so you can only
date your sister, huh?
Well, no. Brianna was
adopted by my parents.
Kelly is technically an--
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
So you and Kelly, huh?
You guys...
Come on, man. You can
tell me what this means.
Please?
No time, man. I got to get
to my job, actually.
Oh, right.
Medical technologies?
Uh, yeah.
They treat me pretty well.
They give me benefits,
and it's part time,
so I can take those
private eye classes
I've wanted to.
Don't you need a degree
for medical technologies?
You'd think so.
Take care, okay?
I'll miss you.
All right.
I'll call, okay?
Ohh! [cough]
Ahh.
Okay.
Well, countdown
to your goodbye, right?
Yeah, U of M--
University of Miami.
It's Michigan.
Michigan.
Mom?
Please! Help me! Help me!
What happened?
I don't know. He just
came out of the woods.
Please. Please. Help me.
I don't remember my name,
and they took everything.
They took everything...
except this.
I don't know what it means.
Maybe it'll help.
Maybe-- Maybe it will.
Maybe it will.
I don't know.
[together]
Mystery Team! All right!
They cut off my fucking balls!
-