My First Claire (2010)

I had big plans that summer,
I was going to learn some things.
Ted, we're home.
What are you doing in here?
- Nothing!
See, that year, 1989,
everything had gotten confusing.
It all started when I danced with
my cousin at her birthday party
and got a hard on.
Completely naked?
Oh that's
- Oh yeah!
And I realized that all the guys
at school knew things that I didn't.
What's wrong with him?
He is such a loser!
They had secret hand signals
and their own code.
Come on, let's go guys.
And I was just trying to keep up.
Bernie Plotkin was a big help.
He was kind of an expert
on all things sexual.
So you wake up
and then there is
stuff in your pants.
From the dream.
He told me a few things
for a price.
He charged a buck
for one of his dad pornos.
I had always
assumed that my
father would be the one
to teach me this stuff.
But things changed.
I met someone
we've fallen in love.
Oh bullshit,
he's an asshole.
He doesn't
even know what love is.
A horny fucker.
He just wanted something tighter
he could stick his dick in.
I've gotta go.
But at home,
now that my dad was gone,
everything was different.
I had to figure it all out
on my own.
And I had a lot
to learn.
Teddy, come on!
OK, sorry.
Yes fluff, of course fluff.
No fluff.
You are always
forgetting my stuff!
It's not fair!
I am not Teddy,
it was an accident.
The babysitter
will get you something.
Hannah it's your turn to help.
You finish unpacking.
I'm in the middle
of some stuff.
You are not!
Who ever heard of a
fluffernutter without fluff.
That's called a
peanut butter sandwich
and it is disgusting!
Ted, I'm sorry about the fluff.
Now please just help me.
I need to get on the road.
What the hell!
Guys, please!
I'll be gone in just a few minutes
then you can
kill each other all you want.
You're just a lazy lardo!
Are you kidding me?!
- Just knock it off!
Mrs. Kargman?
- Fuck.
Hi sorry to interrupt.
Oh, no, no
don't be silly,
just a little family spat.
OK, this is Hannah
and this is Teddy.
why don't you show
Claire her room?
I'm gonna show you your room.
Teddy, clean that mess up.
OK Teddy I'm off!
Now I want you to try and
behave this weekend, OK?
Mom, I don't need babysitting!
Please, I am exhausted.
I need a break.
Please, let me get
out of here, OK?
Mom, I've been
going to sleepovers alone
for like a year now.
OK, Teddy please,
just stop, this now.
I will be back in 2 days.
All right?
Before you even know it, OK.
All right.
Claire! Oh
there you are
Teddy is a little worried
about staying home alone.
You'll take good care
of my little teddy bear, won't you?
Of course I will!
See, my little baby.
Have a good time, OK?
I'll see you later.
I love you.
I love you too.
Have fun baby.
Don't worry about a thing
while you are gone.
We'll be fine.
Thank you Claire.
Goodbye buddy.
I don't feel so good.
One fluffernutter sandwich,
at your service.
Wow, thanks!
Your mom said that
you love those, so...
I mean, she's gone
and Hannah won't
come out of her room
so you wanna hang out?
I just don't feel good.
is this, normal Ted?
You know everybody
hanging out in their rooms
not talking to each other?
Well, I want to have
some fun this weekend.
You gonna help me out?
All right.
You and me we are
going to have some fun.
is Bernie home?
It's Teddy Kargman.
OK, thanks.
Bernie, Hi
look, I need some advice....
Hey Claire,
thanks for the sandwich.
Decent, but I'll give you some
pointers for next time.
Well I'm sorry
it wasn't up to par
you'll have to show me
some of your tricks.
Want some coke?
I usually have wine with dinner.
You know, European style.
Why didn't anybody
tell me the pizza was here?
You want some?
There should be a
decent white in the fridge.
What are you doing?
Give me this.
You're such a moron.
Why are you wearing
dad's stupid shirt anyway?
Hannah come on,
he's just, being sweet.
It's because you like her,
isn't it?
Shut up.
He's just horny.
Shut up!
We're like the same age!
Jeez, what a little badass.
It's a nice shirt,
whosever it is.
It's mine.
I promise.
Well it looks nice on you.
Very spiffy.
how about we go to the beach?
Yeah. I'm supposed to meet
a friend there tomorrow.
It will be fun.
I want you to come.
You and me
at the beach?
What are you doing up?
I just
Were you watching me Teddy?
Just now, you weren't
snooping were you?
It's OK.
It's perfectly natural.
I'm really excited
about tomorrow Ted.
It's supposed to be
a beautiful day.
Sweet dreams.
You have a girlfriend?
You mean there aren't any
little girls
around the neighborhood
that you're interested in
or, at school?
Oh, well
I haven't really ever
I haven't even thought
about having a girlfriend
Little stud like you.
I mean
the kids at school
aren't exactly,
well nice to me.
I'm not exactly
the coolest kid around.
Is what I'm saying.
That is unbelievable.
I need to go have a word
with those children.
Cool! Well I bet your
teammates loved you for that.
not the guy
had the concussion
but, everyone knows
You gave him a concussion?
By accident, OK?
Wow you must be
able to throw that ball really hard.
I've also won
a couple participation medals
for the games we haven't won.
Very nice.
Do you play very often?
the week after school starts
I'm actually having a game.
That's cool.
Are you inviting me?
If you wanna come to that.
Yeah I would love to!
I think it would be a lot of
fun watching you play.
Wanna go swim?
Come on, we're at the beach
we gotta go swim.
Come on!
What do you mean no?
Come on show me your moves!
Come on, let's go!
I don't like the ocean.
What do you mean
you don't like the ocean?
How could you not
like the ocean?
You're missing out!
I'm going without you!
Claire, hey!
Brad? Oh going to
swim with Teddy there.
Oh yeah. - He can swim,
but he won't come down.
Ted come on!
Come on, hurry!
Hey, who is this guy?
Teddy, Brad, Brad, Teddy.
What's up Ted?
Put it up top, high five!
Low fi...
All right.
Teddy is a little shy.
A little shy?
What's going on,
you having fun today buddy?
Yeah I guess.
You guess?
Well don't guess about safety.
It's pretty important.
You guys gonna
go out swimming?
I've been trying to
get him to go out there.
Actually I just wanna go home.
Teddy, we just got here.
I just don't feel good.
Wow, looks like
you've got your hands full.
Well I gotta get rolling, but
I'll see you later on tonight.
Yeah absolutely.
He totally was watching me
like put lotion
on my legs last night.
Lotion on your legs?
Wow, that must
have made his day.
And actually the...
Oh, hey, we got a visitor.
Hey, aha.
Why don't you come in
and say hi to Brad?
Hey Teddy.
Ted, let me
ask you a question.
Who is the most
attractive girl you've ever seen?
I mean face to face.
Who, who is the most
gorgeous girl you've ever met?
Can I guess?
Can I... I got a guess.
Is she in this room right now?
Is she sitting in this room?
Don't be silly.
And if she is I gotta tell you
Teddy you got excellent taste.
You really do.
Man, if I was your age,
and I had a babysitter like this
what would I do
legs like that I mean....
Brad, stop.
It's just a compliment.
I think you need another cocktail.
Because I haven't had enough?
Yeah, see Claire we just need
to loosen you up a little bit.
Get out of my father's chair!
This is my dad's chair!
Get out!
All right man, take it easy.
This is my house!
All right!
Oh my...
Oh my God, are you OK?
It's OK.
It's OK.
Your mom will be home soon.
Teddy, I'm...
I'm sorry, if I have
confused you in any way or
made you think that I...
I love you!
No you don't.
Goodbye Teddy.
The End