My Best Friend's Wedding (1997)

2 and 2, menu.|Brian, 22, immediately.
Guillermo, two pigeons, right away.|Very important table right here.
- Give me two grain.|- I'll take that polenta.
This is the one I'm waiting for.|I need that meat
Pastry, get ready. I'll kill your|whole family if it's not perfect.
I'm writing it up as inventive,|and...
- Did the chap from Newsday call?|- I'll check.
Is it an interview,|or a guy you're setting me up with?
You never know what to do with men.
It's Michael.|Jules, it must be months, huh?
I can't wait to talk to you.|I'm in Chicago at the Drake Hotel.
Call me anytime. We got to talk.
- Your man of the moment?|- No, my Michael. Michael O'Neal.
- Sounds desperate to talk to me.|- The sports writer, right?
Sophomore year at Brown.|We had this one hot month...
But you know me, I got restless.|I got up the nerve to tell him...
And he gave me this look...|And he said,
"It makes me want to cry. I'm|losing the best friend I ever had".
I felt the same way.
So I cried for maybe the third time|in my life, kissed him,
and we've been|best friends ever since.
We've seen each other|through everything...
Losing jobs, parents, lovers...|And we've travelled all over.
Best times of my life, maybe.|Drinking and talking...
- Even just on the phone.|- Moving Kindred spirits, eh?
No, he's nothing like me.|He's like you, only straight.
I remember one night in Tucson...
He takes a razor, cuts his finger,|then does the same to me...
He says, "Swear if we're not married|at 28, we'll marry each other".
We never talked about it again.|What made me think of that?
You'll be 28 in three weeks, right?|How old is he?
- You think..?|- "Desperate... to talk".
- No...|- Cheers. Courge!
It's Michael.|Jules, it must be months, huh?
I can't wait to talk to you.|I'm in Chicago at the Drke Hotel.
Call me anytime. We got to talk.
- Good evening, The Drake Hotel.|- I'm calling for Michael O'Neal...
You've been enrolled in the|Obscene Caller's Club.
It's great to hear your voice.|I've been calling for over a month.
I've been on a book tour.|My machine eats all my messages.
- You take 30 days to call back?|- Less, for you.
I have to ask you something.|I hope you don't turn me down.
If I could just|tell you something first...
This'll probably give you the|biggest laugh of your adult life...
I was thinking about you.|I was remembering
that night we spent in Tucson,|about 1,000 years ago.
- You probably won't remember...|- I think about it all the time.
- You do?|- But it's not why I called.
- It's not?|- I called because I met someone.
Well That's great... You haven't|seen anyone since dingbat Jenny Lee.
I've never felt this way about|anyone, and she's all wrong for me.
- There's a good start|- She's 20 and at university.
Her name's Kim. She's beautiful,|and her dad's a billionaire.
And I've always been uncomfortable|with rich people,
but they're not like that they're|wonderful. Salt of the earth.
- So you've met her parents?|- Yeah.
We're getting married this Sunday.
It's Wednesday. How can you|be getting married on Sunday?
Actually, it starts tomorrow.|It's a four-day wedding.
- With about ten million guests...|- Aren't you working this weekend?
The Sox are at home. "Sport"|wants a profile on Frank Thomas.
You think it's irresponsible to take|Off a weekend to get married?
Jules, I'm scared.
- Maybe we should talk.|- I need you.
If you can't come and hold my hand,|I'll never get through this.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Take a later flight.
No, I've got just four days to break|up a wedding and steal the groom.
He adored me for nine years. Me
And she's known him for about five|seconds. But she's rich and perfect.
So don't go feeling sorry|for Miss Pre-teen Illinois.
I can't lose him, George.|I'm gonna bring him back.
- Can you believe I'm doing this?|- Not hardly.
This makes everything perfect.|All I've heard is "Julianne..."
I've never had a sister.
I have a favour to ask you.
My best friend shattered|her pelvis dancing in Abilene.
Will you be maid of honour?
How about someone|you've known a bit longer?
I've only two relatives under 40,|and they're vengeful sluts.
My exit
So I have four days to make you|my best friend. Let's get personal.
- You like the colour?|- It's beautiful.
This will be tighter. You don't|want these things to fall out.
I don't want her to trip,|so I'll take this up a bit.
Would you rather the daffodil?
I thought bridesmaids|all wore the same?
Not you. You have to be distinctive.
- What else did he tell you?|- You hate weddings, you never go.
You're not up for anything that's|conventional or a "female priority".
Including marriage,|romance or even...
- Michael and I were a wrong fit.|- He said that, too.
I thought I was like you, until|I met rumpled, smelly old Michael.
Then I found I was as sentimental|as those nitwits I'd always pitied.
Funny, huh?
I need a cigarette.
George, all she does is talk about|her and Michael's future.
And she's just so bright-eyed|and dreamy and...
I don't know if I can do it.
- Want me to turn around?|- You're not who I was expecting.
- I've seen you a lot more naked.|- Well, things are...
Things are different now.
Yeah, I guess so.
You look really good...|without your clothes on.
George? She's toast.
So the honeymoon is where?
If San Antonio sweeps Sacramento,|we could start there. Or Phoenix...
Garden spots|lf you disregard the temperatures.
- But there's always Embassy Suites.|- It's his career. I'm supportive.
I've been everywhere.|I want to be with the man I love.
He's lucky.
One woman in a billion|could put up with his array of shit.
- You know his symphonic range...|- Of snoring? It's even worse.
You know that snaffle one?
Now it's got this phlegm thing|rattling behind it.
Earplugs work. And I got him|to stop smoking in bed.
But the bathroom's a swamp,|and he likes action movies
and karaoke bars.|And I can't carry a tune
- He sucks soup through his teeth.|- That's his trademark.
- Don't touch that one|- But he sure can kiss.
It's been a while.|I'll take your word on that.
After two weeks of listing|all his faults, I made a decision.
I threw the list away.|Loving him means loving all of him.
- Do you ever get claustrophobic?|- Nothing could make me hesitate.
- Or get hysterical in small rooms?|- Except one thing.
You You'll always be in his mind.|This perfect creature that he loved.
- Well, perfection can get wearying.|- I really had to face up to it.
But can I be jealous of you forever?|Our paths will keep on crossing.
He'll always talk about you|But the answer was so simple.
- I was gonna predict that|- You win.
- I've missed a step.|- He's got you on a pedestal.
And me in his arms.
It's the bride, and|the woman she'll never live up to
Are you okay, honey?
- Did she say the wrong thing again?|- We're the vengeful sluts.
- Just call us eager.|- Have you seen the groom's men?
But the short hairy fat one is mine.
- Kimmy's a virgin|- Is this Michael's Julianne?
I'm Isabelle Wallace.|He scarcely did you justice, girl.
My husband says we should take you|to the ball park, to see Michael.
First you must meet these old women.|If you've had enough profanity.
Who ordered a beer?
- Let me help you.|- Are you implying I'm clumsy?
I'm confusing you with someone else.|This is Hank and Eric from "Sport".
They were kind enough|to give me a job.
- This is Walter, my father-in-law.|- Future father-in-law.
If he gives you any grief,|come and see me
- And this guy you know.|- Papa Joe.
We had to make|Michael's baby brother best man.
Best looking guy in any room
Scotty, that'll do
It's the duty of the best man to|dance with the maid of honour
- You can't dance.|- I've got moves you've never seen.
You're an imposter
What did you do with my best friend?
I'm still your best friend. You|just haven't seen me for a while.
All I'm saying is, some people might|find all that perfection boring.
See, that's what I thought at first.
No potential for the long range.
- But she has a few good traits.|- Such as?
When I hug her, even in public,|I don't have to let go right away.
She lets me hold her|as long as I want.
- What?|- Nothing.
I forgot...|you and that "yukky love" stuff.
- You always get like that about it.|- I do not
- When we were...|- Together?
- Did I..? When..?|- Yes.
- I did what?|- Pull away when I tried to hug you.
Well, I've changed.|I'm not the girl I once was.
Any relationship over two weeks|I should know about?
It's not about longevity, Michael.
It's about being comfortable.
With the "yukky love" stuff.
And I am.
- Karaoke How did you find this?|- The doorman told me.
- I didn't know there was karaoke.|- This is great. My two best girls.
- Margarita. Blended, no salt.|- Margarita. Straight up.
- Amstel Light.|- Two words for you: Margarita.
- Florence|- Me hanging on in the rain...
- I love Florence.|- And the guy with the thing...
- 'Where's my pass?"|- "The pier is for fishing"
- I've always loved Florence.|- You should take her there.
She deserves a honeymoon.
Oh yeah, "lf San Antonio|sweeps Sacramento..."
You're off the road in September.|When does your fall quarter start?
I'm not coming back to senior year.
Don't architects find a degree...|an asset?
- Well, I travel every week...|- Being together is more important.
Say, Pinky|I want to hear you sing.
No, Kimmy hates to sing.
My bride-to-be here is about to|kick some ass on... what?
- No, it'll be fun.|- Michael, she doesn't want to.
Ladies and gentlemen Please give|it up for the vocal stylings of:
Miss Kimberly Wallace
You suck
That was terrible Terrible
- You won't be lonely without us?|- Desperately
- Maybe we don't have to go.|- To your grandmother's dinner?
I'd babysit you, but my loyalty is|to the bride in her time of need.
- It's not really that.|- Okay, if you're sure.
- Sure?|- Then I'll stay with Michael.
- Call me later?|- Of course.
Have fun.
- You were shocked when I told you.|- Shocked? No.
A little... a lot.
- I fell off the bed.|- That explains the thump.
You like her, don't you?
- Yeah... I do.|- That's enthusiastic
- No. She's great.|- "No, she's great".
She seriously can't sing a note.
- But what a sacrifice...|- What sacrifice?
- Leaving school?|- All of it.
Giving it all up|to follow you in this dumb job
where you travel all year to|places like College Station, Texas.
- Dumb job?|- It's not a grown-up job, Michael.
- My job never bothered you before.|- It doesn't bother me now.
But I'm not Kimmy. Her father owns|the Sox and Cable Sports.
- I'm surprised it hasn't come up.|- What?
Corner office with a view.|You, in a nice blue suit.
- Living here, close to Mom and Dad.|- No, never.
She would never even think of that.
You don't know her.
But Michael loves his job.
Sure Bad games, bad pay, bad towns,|bad hotels, real bad food...
Homeless, rootless, lonely. Your|copy gets into one issue in four...
Why would he trade all that for a|PR job at a firm like your father's?
- My father and I discussed that.|- I'm not surprised.
So, do you think he'd really accept?
Michael? It would be the greatest|thing that ever happened to him.
Present company excepted. So...|We make your dad a co-conspirator.
Walter's re-organising PR|and needs a brilliant guy
that he can completely trust.
Then you beg: "Michael, do this|for Daddy, just for six months".
- He'll see right through it.|- Only if he wants to.
At the end of six months,|he will be happy, -
- settled, successful.
- Beautiful Do you have a date?|- You never can tell.
"Just the way you look tonight".
Okay, kid. You're up.
My father needs a favour.
He's re-organising|some of the company divisions.
Public relations|is a real problem area.
It would only be for six months.
- Or three or four...|- And you knew about this?
I think you ought to listen to her.|It's her life, too.
Are you telling me that|Walter thought this up?
- Why don't you be honest, Kim?|- I am being honest
I'm supposed to just drop out of|school, forget my family and career?
- Forget all my plans?|- Forgive me for that.
I'm glad I'm hearing about this now.|What am I supposed to do?
I have a low-paid, zero-respect job,|which I happen to love.
Michael,|it sounds like a great opportunity.
Really? How come you never took|a sell-out establishment job?
- It's not you, and it's not me.|- Okay, if that's how you feel...
Just say it. My job's not|good enough. I'm not good enough.
- I never said that|- Yes, you did.
You wait till two days before|our wedding to lay this on me.
I'm an insensitive, sexist asshole.|You're better off without me.
No, Michael You're so... so right.|And I'm so wrong.
We settled this and I reneged.|It wasn't fair.
You have to forgive me|and forget this, or I'll just die
I'm sorry...
George and Werner are not in.|Brevity is the order of the day.
George! Answer this, damn it!|I'm in a meltdown!
She double crossed me. She grovelled!|She's so wrong for him.
Michael and I are the same person.|Self-absorbed and vaguely lovable.
I'm running out of time and sneaky|ideas. I'm at the end of my rope.
George,|you have got to think of something!
Coffee, anyone?
- George|- This is very Marcel Marceau.
Relax|We don't want your face coming off.
Hideous room
Death by mini-bar.|How glamorous
- You flew here. You hate to fly|- I have to go back this evening.
You're butting in.
What I mean by "annoyingly perfect",|is her perfection isn't annoying.
It is vulnerable and endearing.|And that is annoying
- You like her|- If I didn't hate her I'd love her.
This is my whole life's happiness.|I have to be ruthless.
He was in love with me.|I can make him happy.
I may break her heart,|but I'm really doing her a favour.
She would be so miserable tagging on|after this insensitive doof us.
Do you really love him?|Or is this just about winning?
In the beginning it was mostly...|a prior claim. He belonged to me.
But now, when I'm with him...
He's just so wonderful
How come I never knew that before?
It's the clarity that comes|with psychotic jealousy.
George, believe me...
If he felt like me,|he would know how I feel.
It's horrible.
Just tell him you love him.|Julianne
Tell him you loved him|for nine years,
but you were afraid of love.
- Afraid of needing.|- Needing what?
To belong to someone.|We all are, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
Tell him it's the worst, cruelest,|dumbest moment to do this,
but he's got to choose.
Tell him the actual truth?
Maybe not the actual truth.|Highlights.
Arms at your sides, please.
- Morning|- Michael, I have to talk to you.
No, I don't like the suit,|but it's not that.
- Guard this with your life.|- What is it?
The ring.|I don't trust Scotty with it.
Please... you're practically|the best man anyway.
Open it.
- She'll like it, won't she?|- Yes...
So, what was it?
You wanted to talk to me|about something?
We've known each other a long time.|20 years?
Okay, not that long.
And in that time, we've grown...
close. Very close.|Do you know what I mean?
I think so.
So, sometimes...
Could you excuse us, please?
Sometimes people think they know|how they feel about each other.
But they don't...
until they do.
I have a point.|The question is, am I getting to it?
Whatever it is,|it can't be that big a deal.
Oh, Michael|"Big deal" is... a relative term.
Who's that guy?
George. He's my editor.
- Why is he here? Are you working?|- No...
- He's here to be with me.|- Why?
Because he's my friend.|My good friend.
My best friend, these days.
You've been busy.
So... all of this|has been about George?
- I'm speechless.|- Well, that's Jules.
- Congratulations|- Congratulations
I told him. If we're engaged,|we shouldn't be ashamed of it.
He's racing back to New York.|He just came by to...
Well, it takes a few hours.
Give me your ring
- I have to have an engagement ring.|- I don't believe this...
- I came here to help you|- For one day, find me irresistible.
Stop it
Something wrong?
It's just the way you always talked|about George. It always seemed...
seemed like...|it sounded like George was...
- Gay?|- Actually, yes.
- Common misconception|- It is.
Because George likes to pretend|that he's gay.
Why would you do that?
- I find it attracts women.|- It worked for me.
Big time.
- Race you to the altar.|- Underplay
Hey, I'm Jules' fianc, George.|Just in town for a quick... visit.
- Are you going to humiliate me?|- Only if I can.
I don't know why|I'm so carried away
- It's so...|- Against God's plan?
No, it's wonderful
- You have to meet George.|- Kimmy's little sister?
They're gonna be married
- What's going on?|- Julianne's getting married.
I wanted to shout it from the|rooftops, but Jules said no.
"This is Kimmy's day.|Let's not take the attention".
"Dear, sweet, adorable,|chocolate-covered Kimmy".
Those were her very words.
- I think I'm gonna cry.|- Me, too.
It's so sweet of you to come.|I insist you stay to lunch.
Love to Love the bag,|the shoes, love everything.
- What about your flight?|- Cancelled.
I was very worried about you.
- About me?|- Well, what I heard was hilarious.
But all those broken relationships,|all those men...
It must have hurt.
Hurt? She couldn't sit down|for seven years.
And all the while, the man of your|dreams was right in front of you.
She's talking about me.
George,|how did you and Julianne meet?
George is my editor.
But we met long before that.|It's a very romantic story.
- Would you like to tell it?|- No. It's private.
Not any more.
I first met Julianne|in a mental institution.
She was visiting a French chef|she'd sent insane.
And I was visiting Dionne Warwick.|Well, that's who he thought he was.
- Who is Dionne Warwick?|- Sacrilege
- She's Whitney Houston's aunt.|- She's on "Psychic Friends".
So there I was with "Dionne",|having one hell of a sing-song.
Then suddenly, breezing out of|the electroshock room, I saw her.
A vision in pink.
- Pink? You don't wear pink.|- She does, Michael, sometimes.
- You do.|- I do.
I said to Dionne,|'Who is this vision?"
She must be the understudy|to some Broadway star.
Her skin, her hair|ln that moment, I knew.
- We don't all need to know...|- Yes, we do
- I'm very curious.|- They do.
I knew,|that some day we'd end up like this.
Like some glittering|Doris Day-Rock Hudson extravaganza.
And I said to Dionne,|"Dionne, I'm in love".
Could this siren love me?|Are the gods that kind?
Dionne turned to me,|opened her lovely eyes and said...
What did she say?
The moment I wake up...
before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
while combing my hair now
and wondering what dress to wear now
I say a little prayer for you
for ever you'll stay in my heart|and I will love you
forever, we never will part|oh howl love you
together, forever, is how it must be|to live with out you
would only mean heartbreak for me!
Go, Granddaddy
All right, now
- Heartbreak for you, actually...|- Just get on your plane.
I'll call at the turn of the century|when I've forgiven you.
- It'd never have worked out.|- It was dishonest.
Different temperaments.
Look. Tell him you love him.|Bite the bullet.
What will he do?
He'll choose Kim. You'll stand|beside her at the wedding,
kiss him goodbye,|and go home.
That's what you came here to do.
So do it
George isn't my fianc, Michael.
It's been over for ages,|but he can't accept it.
I'd built you up so much,|I couldn't let him lose face.
He could never stack up to the|one man I measure everyone against.
This is strange...
When you told me|you were marrying George...
... I got this really strange...
You were jealous?
Crazy jealous.
I'm sorry.
Can we spend some time alone|this afternoon?
Would that be all right?
I've been thinking a lot,|the last couple of days, about us.
Have you?
- There are a lot of memories.|- It's more than that.
It's kind of embarrassing|to say it this way, but...
You've sort of been...|the woman in my life.
You've been the man in mine.
I was thinking,|this could be our last time alone.
- Except for an affair twice a year.|- Except for that.
I mean, you commit to this wedding,|and then...
And then there's this momentum,|and you forget you chose it.
You and I didn't... in our|relationships with other people...
We didn't use the word "love" a lot,|did we?
Kimmy says, if you love someone,|you say it.
You say it right then, out loud
- Otherwise, the moment just...|- Passes you by.
We don't even have a song.|Kimmy and I...
We don't have a song.|You think that's a bad sign?
Some day,|when I'm awfully low
and the world is cold|I will feel a glow thinking of you
and the way you look tonight
- Is your dance card filled?|- I'll have to check my power book.
Is that right?
Excuse me...
- I thought Michael was taking me?|- I said I'd do it.
I'm kind of unofficial best man...
Kim said there was no friction|with Michael over the job?
- Friction? No|- Good.
- I haven't caused a problem?|- No, nobody has.
You're a little bit early.
I need to make some calls.|Could I use your office?
- Of course At the end of the hall.|- Thank you.
Take your time
New letter.
"To Eric Isaacson..."
"Senior Editor,|Sport Magazine".
"From: Walter Wallace".
You can do this, it's easy.|Just do it fast, get it over with.
"Eric, I need a favour".
"My daughter's very happiness|is in your hands".
"I have offered Mike O'Neal,
my new son-in-law, a great|opportunity with my company".
"To his own detriment,
Michael will not|accept our offer,
while he works for you".
"My daughter joins me|in this plea for your co-operation".
'With gratitude, Walter".
Why would I send this?|He'd get fired.
"Save for later".
I'm not sending it,|just saving it for a few hours.
Till we come back and Michael|can see it. Perfectly harmless
Send out this, this, not this,|... that's it.
And there are four or five e-mails|I wrote over lunch. Send them, too.
- I can't believe it Try every key|- It's the wrong set.
There's got to be a janitor,|or a guard, or a cleaning woman
Somebody has to be in there|I need a brick...
What's the big deal|about getting this file tonight?
- I have a deadline.|- And I'm getting married
Exactly|Everyone is going to be so busy...
So it's my last chance to|get up there to Walter's office...
- Then I could e-mail it out now.|- Tomorrow's Sunday
Monday morning, crack of dawn,|Walter will walk you right up there.
Give it up, kid
You can't win them all.
- This thing means that much to you?|- Yes.
Come on, we'll phone from your room.|Walter's probably not even asleep.
We'll drive up, get the right key,|and go back to the office.
But if I fall asleep on the altar|tomorrow, you'd better be there.
These are all from Eric.|This fax is from Eric, too.
- Can't he ever leave me alone?|- Maybe it's congratulations.
What is it?
"I can't believe I'm doing this|just before your wedding,
but you need and deserve to know|what you're marrying into".
"l received the following e-mail|this afternoon".
"Eric, I need a favour.|My daughter's happiness..."
Isabelle, I need to talk to Kim.
- Is there anything wrong?|- No, I'm just tired.
Jules...|Could you give me a minute?
Excuse me, miss.|Are you locked out?
No, I just stepped out...|It's a non-smoking room.
It's a non-smoking floor, too.|Why don't you go down to the lobby?
Why don't you have me arrested?
I mean it|I am a dangerous, criminal person.
I do bad things to honest people.
Make a citizen's arrest
It'd be like getting Al Capone|on tax evasion.
Can I help you, miss?
- Do you smoke, Richard?|- Yes, I do, but...
It's a non-smoking floor.
But, you know what?
You know,|my grandmother always said:
"This, too, shall pass".
Thanks, Richard.
I want you to quit this shit.|It'll kill you.
What happened?
It's over. She denied it.|She said I was crazy and paranoid.
A bad combination.
There's a big brunch tomorrow|at her parents' house.
And she said,|"How can I call it off?"
'What do I tell everyone?"|No, it's for the best, it really is.
She was right.
I am crazy...
to fall for someone|I hardly knew.
I'm so glad you're here.
You still got that ring?
I tried it on,|and it won't come off.
Why don't we take a walk,|or have some food sent up?
I just want to be alone.|Is that okay?
Maybe I'll go back to New York|for a while with you.
Eric will understand. Or we could|go somewhere, if you want.
"If San Antonio|sweeps Sacramento..."
I've never been to Texas.
Can I try that?
Excuse me.
- So this is how you call it off?|- I came here to confront them.
- Besides, she hasn't told anyone.|- Michael, there's a wedding at six.
Have you changed your mind?|Do you want to marry Kimmy?
I made a decision.|It's over.
I'll go tell them...
Do you think she's all right?|Maybe you could go check on her?
These are the most beautiful flowers|I've ever seen.
How is he?
He's wondering why you haven't|told your parents the wedding's off.
I'm still hoping for a miracle.
How could he think|we would do such a thing?
I only minored in psychology,|but...
Maybe Michael couldn't commit|to this marriage.
So he created a delusion.
Produced an unconscious|psychosomatic manifestation of...
I'm better with food.
Okay... You're Michael.|You're in a fancy French restaurant.
You order...|crme brule for dessert.
It's beautiful. It's sweet.
It's irritatingly perfect.
Suddenly, Michael realises|he doesn't want crme brule.
- He wants something else.|- What does he want?
- Jell-O.|- Jell-O Why does he want Jell-O?
Because he's comfortable with it.|Jell-O makes him... comfortable.
Compared to crme brule, it's...|Jell-O. But that's what he needs.
- I could be Jell-O.|- No
Crme brule can never be Jell-O.|You could never be Jell-O.
- I have to be.|- Never
Tell your parents. Don't wait for|"Do you take this man..."
I love him The delusions I drove|him to have some truth in them.
I want him to work for my father.|I want to stay in school.
Please, tell him it's my fault,|and that I love him.
You're the only person that I trust.
I'll be right back.
How is she?
- Hey, knock it off|- Yes, sir
- I asked...|- She admits that it's her fault.
Do you think she still loves me?
Love... it's a strong word.
I don't know that I'm qualified...
I guess I could say that in her way|she has strong feelings...
Sure she does, Michael.|She's crazy about you.
Tell her I'll marry her at six,|if she'll still have me.
I'll be right... right back.
What did he say?
He said...
"Marry me".
Thank God you were here
- I got so confused.|- It happens.
- Got a minute?|- What's up?
I'll say this quickly, or I'll have|a coronary and you'll never hear it.
This is, by far,|the dumbest thing I've ever done.
So dumb, in fact, that I can't...|But I'm gonna
What's wrong?
Michael...|I love you.
I've loved you for years, but I was|too arrogant and scared to see it.
Now I'm just scared.
I realise|it's an inopportune time,
but I have|this gigantic favour to ask of you.
Choose me. Marry me.|Let me make you happy.
That sounds like three favours,|doesn't it? But...
They're lovely together
That's our maid of honour.|She's from New York.
Michael, wait|You'll never catch her.
Doesn't anybody leave their car|unlocked? Nobody trusts anyone
Ah, a good Samaritan.
"Shy tendrils of russet pleasure|began their unbidden journey".
"She moaned. The tonnage of years|of anguish, sacrifice, mingling..."
It is not going well
This is what comes|Of telling the truth!
- Justice isn't fair!|- Where are you?
I've stolen a bread van.|I'm chasing Michael on Michigan Ave.
It's all your fault I told him|I loved him, and I kissed him.
- Jules, did Michael kiss you back?|- We were lip-to-lip
- But did it give you any hope?|- We were interrupted.
- By who?|- Kimmy. Now he's chasing her.
Michael's chasing Kimmy.|You're chasing Michael.
Who's chasing you? Nobody|There's your answer.
You're not the one
The wedding is at six p.m.
You have a small opportunity|to do the right thing.
All aboard
I have a confession to make.|Another confession.
Besides that I love you.|This is even worse.
The e-mail that Walter sent|to your boss...
I wrote that.
I wrote that.
I'm the bad guy.
Are you crazy?|Jules, are you completely insane?
I mean...|Jules, how could you do that?
It wasn't supposed to get sent.
I just wanted you|to get mad at Kimmy.
I've done nothing but underhand,|despicable things since I got here.
I was...
I was just trying to...
win you... win you back.
But that doesn't excuse any of it.|I'm pond scum.
Lower, actually. I'm like|the fungus that feeds on pond scum.
The pus, that infects the mucus,
that cruds up the fungus,|that feeds on the pond scum.
On the other hand...
Thank you.|For loving me that much.
That way, it's pretty flattering.
Except it makes me fungus.
Well, that part I knew.
I'm glad|you didn't get on that train.
I came here looking for her.
- Why would she be here?|- This is where I proposed.
I had to cover a game in Milwaukee.|She saw me off.
The train was starting to leave...
I jumped up on the step|and held the handle.
Without a thought in my head,|I just shouted, "Marry me"
And the train was pulling out,|and she suddenly screamed, 'Yes"
Just once.
And blew me a kiss.
It would have been a nice wedding.
You can't believe you've lost her
You'll find her,|and see all that love in her eyes.
I just hope it's soon, or I'd hate|to be you at six o'clock.
Wait. We'll split up. Go to every|romantic place the two of you have.
And I'll go... someplace brilliant.|We'll find her. We will find her
- Wallace residence.|- Have you heard from Kimmy?
- She slipped out in the commotion.|- Commotion?
My sister licked an ice sculpture|and her tongue froze to it.
- That's a commotion?|- It's a sculpture of the "David".
- And so Kimmy would be...|- Probably with Michael, doing it.
Or else crying in Comiskey Park.|Some guy said he saw her there.
Can you bring my dress to the|church? I have to get something.
Don't forget to shave.
Here's the hair dryer.
It's going to be okay.|No pictures, please
- I know you're in here.|- Leave me alone, you bitch
Who the hell do you think you are?
- Cat fight|- You pretended to be my friend.
- And I made you maid of honour.|- Who asked you to do that?
- Michael trusted you, so I did.|- You didn't trust me for a second.
- I was right.|- Yes, but that's not my fault.
You kissed him At my parents'|house On my wedding day
- Tramp|- Shut up
I'm not giving this man up to some|two-faced, big-haired food critic.
All right, I kissed him
I tried to steal him.
I lost.
He doesn't love me.|He loves you.
I haven't done much that|I'm proud of the last three days.
I'd like to take you to the church.
So you can walk down that aisle,|and marry the man of our dreams.
Because he sure wants to marry you.
So let's wish Mike and Kim|every happiness,
for a long and happy life,|filled with...
- I guess that's it.|- To the bride and groom
Now let's hear from the maid|of honour, the lovely Julianne.
I had the strangest dream.
I dreamed that some psychopath|was trying to break you two up.
Luckily, I woke up, and I see...
that the world is|just as it should be.
My best friend|has won the best woman.
I didn't get you a gift...
this is on loan...
until you two find your song.
- It's mine|- I don't think so.
I got it
- Hello, George.|- Having a good time?
- No, but I did what I came to do.|- You split them up?
- No, I said goodbye.|- Good girl, I'm proud of you.
- But you should be dancing.|- I have big plans for that.
Just give me 30-35 years.
The misery, the exquisite tragedy,|the Susan Hayward of it all.
I can picture you sitting alone|in your lavender gown.
- Did I tell you it was lavender?|- You haven't touched your cake.
Probably drumming your fingernails|on the white linen table cloth.
Perhaps even thinking,|I should have had that manicure!
- But it's too late now!|- I didn't tell you it was lavender
Suddenly, a familiar song...
And you're off your chair|in one exquisite movement
wondering, searching,|sniffing the wind like a deer.
Has God heard your prayer?.|Will Cinderella dance again?
Then suddenly, the crowds part
and there he is.
Sleek, stylish,
adiant with charisma.|Bizarrely, he's on the telephone.
But then, so are you.
And he comes towards you,
like a jungle cat
And even though you correctly sense|that he is... gay,
like most devastatingly handsome|single men,
you think,|'What the hell, life goes on".
Maybe there won't be marriage.
Maybe there won't be sex.
But, by God, there'll be dancing
Bond. Jane Bond.