CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
MGM HOME ENTERTAINMEN [DRUM ROLL]
Man: AND THE WINNER IS...
GLORIA SANCHEZ!
[APPLAUSE]
CONGRATULATIONS,
GLORIA SANCHEZ!
Woman: THAT WAS THE CLIMACTIC
MOMENT LAST NIGH AT THE LITTLE MISS HAVANA
PAGEAN AS GLORIA SANCHEZ WON
THE CROWN.
AND WITH ELECTION DAY
ONLY 4 WEEKS AWAY,
IT WAS NO SURPRISE TO SEE
OUR VERY OWN HANDSOME
CONGRESSMAN STEVE MARCUS
GETTING ACQUAINTED
WITH SOME OF HIS VOTERS.
CONGRESSMAN MARCUS
FACES A TOUGH FIGH IN ONE OF THE MOS CLOSELY CONTESTED RACES
IN SOUTHERN FLORIDA.
THE BEAUTY CONTEST,
HOSTED BY THE COUNCIL
DE CUBANOS AMERICANOS,
ATTRACTED
AN ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD.
FESTIVITIES LASTED ALL NIGH WITH DANCING TILL DAWN.
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
FRANKIE!
[WHISTLES]
OHH...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Man: IT'S ME!
COME ON, FRANKIE!
OPEN UP!
FRANKIE, I'M SORRY.
I KNOW I'M
A LITTLE LATE,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I WAS WORKING.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN ME.
I WAS GREAT!
YOU KNOW HOW BIG
THE CUBAN-AMERICAN
VOTE IS DOWN HERE,
AND THEY LOVE ME!
[SHAKING MARACA]
SAVE IT FOR
MISS LITTLE HAVANA, STEVE.
LOOK HERE, GIRLS,
TAKE THIS ADVICE
AND REMEMBER
ALWAYS IN LIFE
INTO EACH HEART
SOME TEARS MUST FALL
THOUGH YOU LOVE AND LOSE,
YOU MUST STAND TALL
'CAUSE WE ALL
HAVE TO CRY SOMETIMES
I SAID CRY SOMETIMES
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER
NO USE CRYING FOREVER
BECAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
I SAID THERE'S SHORT ONES,
TALL ONES
FINE ONES, KIND ONES
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
DOO DOO DOO DOO
MY MOTHER
ONCE TOLD ME SOMETHING
AND EVERY WORD IS TRUE
DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME
ON A FELLA
WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU
HE'LL ONLY DECEIVE YOU
ONLY GRIEVE YOU
DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM,
LET HIM GO
DO WITHOUT HIM
BECAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
UH-HUH
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
I SAID THERE'S SHORT ONES,
TALL ONES
FINE ONES, KIND ONES
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
DOO DOO DOO DOO
WELL, IF THAT FISH
ISN'T ON YOUR LINE
BAIT YOUR HOOK
AND KEEP ON TRYIN'
DON'T LET HIM
GET YOU DOWN
THERE'S
OTHER BOYS AROUND
'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA...
[HONKING HORN]
I SAID THERE'S SHORT ONES,
TALL ONES
FINE ONES, KIND ONES
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
SIR, CHILL OUT!
I SAID THERE'S SHORT ONES,
TALL ONES
FINE ONES, KIND ONES
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO
I DON'T WANT NOBODY
THAT DON'T WANT ME
'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
I DON'T NEED NOBODY
THAT DON'T NEED ME
'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
I NEVER WANT NOBODY
THAT DON'T WANT ME...
[HORN HONKS]
AAH!
WATCH IT!
AIN'T GONNA LOVE NOBODY
THAT DON'T LOVE ME
'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
I'LL NEVER NEED NOBODY
THAT DON'T NEED ME
'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MANY FISH IN THE SEA
MORNING, PINKY.
BREAKFAST AS USUAL,
ANDGET ME
A COSMOPOLITAN,
A GLAMOUR, A NEW WOMAN,
COMPLETE WOMAN,
WORKING WOMAN,
AND MODERN WRESTLER.
YOU GOT IT.
I'M IN A HURRY, SO
JUST SEND THEM UP, OK?
MORNING, BRUCE.
MORNING.
MEYERHOLTZ GROUP IS STILL
WAITING ON THE PROMO COPY.
GIRALDI LIKES THE SLOGAN,
BUT HE WANTS TO DELETE
THE WORD "SMALL."
HE THINKS
IT'S A TURNOFF.
OK, CHANGE IT FROM
"SMALL ENOUGH TO HOLD"
TO "BIG ENOUGH
TO GRAB ON TO."
FRANKIE--
AND DR. RAMDAS
AND THE N.A.S.A. PEOPLE
ARE OFFERING YOU
A RUSH JOB
ON SOME PROJEC OF THEIRS.
THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU
IN CONFERENCE ROOM B.
EXCUSE ME, BRUCE,
I HAVE THE FLOOR.
FRANKIE, I DIDN'T THINK
THAT WE WERE TAKING ON
ANY NEW CLIENTS UNTIL
AFTER THE MARCUS CAMPAIGN.
THANKS, SUZY,
BUT WE JUST FINISHED.
WE DID?
BY THE WAY, FOLKS,
WE'RE DROPPING
CONGRESSMAN MARCUS.
WE ARE? BUT WHY?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SUZY,
JUST BURN THE FILE
AND BILL HIM, OK?
AND YOUR MOTHER
CALLED AT 8:45,
SOMETHING ABOU HAVE YOU DECIDED
ON THE LIME GREEN BOWS
OR THE PASSION PINK
RHINESTONES
FOR YOUR SHOES FOR
YOUR SISTER'S WEDDING?
OH, GOD!
TELL HER I'M
COMING BAREFOOT--
IN BLACK.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, WAIT. HOLD?
SMILE...
PERFECT.
SORRY, GENTLEMEN,
TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
I'M ALWAYS LATE,
BUT I'M WORTH IT.
OK, BOYS.
LET'S SEE
WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Man: CHEMTEC GIVES US
AMERICA'S FUTURE TODAY,
BRINGING SPACE
INSIDE THE AMERICAN HOME.
AND NOW
IT IS DEVELOPING
ITS MOS EXTRAORDINARY CREATION YET,
THE ULYSSES ANDROID,
DESTINED TO REVOLUTIONIZE
THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE.
DEVELOPED HERE
AT CHEMTEC LABORATORY
UNDER MY DIRECT SUPERVISION,
ULYSSES IS THE CLOSEST THING
TO MAN HIMSELF.
THE FUTURE APPLICATIONS
FOR SUCH AN ANDROID
ARE VIRTUALLY INFINITE:
HANDLING
HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS,
DETECTING RADIATION,
DISARMING EXPLOSIVES,
FIGHTING FIRES,
TEST-PILOTING
NEW AIRCRAFTS,
AND, OF COURSE,
EXPLORING SPACE.
THE AWESOME DISTANCES,
PROLONGED PERIODS OF TIME,
AND TORTUOUS CONFINEMEN HAVE MADE DEEP SPACE
EXPLORATION PROBLEMATIC
FOR THE HUMAN PILOT.
WE BELIEVE
THE ULYSSES ANDROID
IS THE ANSWER.
OK, I THINK I'VE
SEEN ENOUGH. BRUCE?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IT'S NO GONNA WIN ANY OSCARS.
AND WHAT'S
MORE IMPORTANT,
WE'RE LOSING
OUR FUNDING IN CONGRESS.
THAT'S WHY WE CAME HERE.
WE NEED TO MAKE
PEOPLE SEE
HOW IMPORTAN THIS PROJECT IS.
MISS STONE...
THE ULYSSES ANDROID
IS AN AMAZING
PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.
YEAH, BUT...
I'M NOT USED TO PROMOTING
HARDWARE, DOCTOR.
I PROMOTE PEOPLE.
POLITICIANS, BUSINESSMEN,
THE OCCASIONAL ROCK STAR.
DR. RAMDAS...
DO YOU KNOW WHO CONTROLS
MOST OF AMERICA'S TV DIALS
AND BUYS 72%
OF ALL MAGAZINES?
WOMEN.
AND IF THIS PUBLICITY
CAMPAIGN IS GONNA WORK,
THAT, GENTLEMEN,
IS YOUR TARGET GROUP.
THIS SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING YOU COULD DO
IN, SAY, 35 DAYS?
ONLY IF I CAN PUBLICIZE
THE ANDROID MY WAY,
AND THAT MEANS
FULL MEDIA SATURATION.
AND I PROMISE YOU, BOYS,
I'LL HAVE EVERYONE
IN CONGRESS ITCHING
TO FUND YOUR PROGRAM
BEFORE YOU CAN SAY E.T.
WELCOME TO CHEMTEC.
PARKING IN LOT C.
THANKS.
WELCOME TO CHEMTEC,
MISS STONE.
OH, DR. RAMDAS,
IT'S A PLEASURE.
QUITE A FACILITY
YOU'VE GOT.
WELL, THANK YOU.
IT'S THE WAY
OF THE FUTURE.
YOUR VISITOR'S PASS.
WOULD YOU
FOLLOW ME, PLEASE?
SURE.
P.A.: PAGING DR. NIPATOE.
DR. NIPATOE TO ROBOTICS,
ROOM D, PLEASE.
DR. NIPATOE...
THIS IS WHERE
ULYSSES WAS BORN.
IN THE FUTURE,
MAKING LOVE WILL
NO LONGER BE NECESSARY
FOR THE CREATION
OF LIFE.
IT CAN ALL BE DONE
FAR MORE EFFICIENTLY
IN THE LAB.
HOW ROMANTIC.
OF COURSE, I MYSELF
PREFER
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
WHY DON' YOU WAIT IN HERE?
I'LL SEE
IF DR. PETERS IS FREE.
I KNOW HE'D
LIKE TO MEET YOU.
OKEY-DOKEY.
OH!
OH, HI, YOU MUS BE DR. PETERS.
I'M FRANKIE STONE.
WHAT DO YOU
CALL THESE?
WHAT?
OH--WH--
WHAT ARE YOU--
YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS LAB
TOO LONG, BUDDY!
P.A.: PAGING DR. STEVENSON.
YOU'RE WANTED IN IMAGE
PROCESSING, DR. PETERBERG.
OH, MY GOD!
I KNEW IT!
ONE MINUTE WITH A WOMAN
AND HE SHORT-CIRCUITS.
MY GOD,
HE LOOKS LIKE YOU!
WHAT DID YOU THINK
HE'D LOOK LIKE,
AN ERECTOR SET?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
NO MAN EVER LOSE HIS HEAD
OVER YOU BEFORE?
[SNORTS]
HE LOOKS SO REAL.
HE--HE--
HE IS REAL...
IN HIS OWN WAY.
METAL, PROTEINS,
SYNTHETIC FIBERS.
HE'S NO DIFFEREN THAN YOU OR I.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT--I-I--
IS HIS RESET BUTTON.
IT REACTIVATES
HIS MOTOR CONTROL.
I TOLD RAMDAS
THAT THE CONCEP OF A WOMAN WOULD
MERELY CONFUSE HIM.
ULYSSES,
STOP PLAYING GAMES.
ULYSSE--
ULYSSES!
HERE.
OH--UH!
[BEEP BEEP]
Dr. Ramdas: I THOUGH SHOWING YOU THESE TAPES
MIGHT HELP TO MAKE YOU
MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE DROID.
YOU SEE, MISS STONE,
PROGRAMMING THE ANDROID
TAKES HIM JUST SO FAR.
THE REST MUST BE
LEARNED
LIKE A HUMAN CHILD.
WE HAD SOME DIFFICULTY WITH
HIS GROSS MOTOR FUNCTIONS
BEFORE WE MODIFIED
HIS CEREBRAL
MUSCULAR COORDINATION.
[FRANKIE GIGGLES]
Dr. Peters, severely:
EDGE PERCEPTION, MISS STONE,
IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT.
[GIGGLES]
Dr. Peters: IT--I MAY LOOK SIMPLE TO YOU,
BUT IT REALLY IS
AN INCREDIBLY SOPHISTICATED
SERIES OF PROGRAMS.
Dr. Peters:
ONCE WE WERE ABLE
TO MODIFY
HIS HAND/EYE COORDINATION,
WE--WE REALIZED HE HAD
A RETINAL RESOLUTION
10 TIMES GREATER THAN THA OF THE AVERAGE HUMAN EYE.
Dr. Peters:
AND AS YOU CAN SEE,
WE LICKED THAT PROBLEM.
Frankie: WELL,
IF ALL ELSE FAILS,
HE CAN ALWAYS
TAKE YOUR PLACE
ON JURY DUTY.
Men: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DEAR ULYSSES
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
[ALL CHEERING]
AHEM. DR. PETERS,
HE REALLY IS
AN AMAZING CREATION,
BUT I THINK THA WE MIGHT WANNA TAKE
SOME TIME TO POLISH UP
HIS SOCIAL GRACES.
SOCIAL GRACES?
WHAT FOR?
JEFF,
I'VE GOTTA AGREE
WITH MISS STONE.
I THINK A WOMAN
WOULD BE
A GOOD INFLUENCE
ON HIM.
TRISH?
HI!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
IVY'S WEDDING ISN' UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
[DOG WHIMPERING]
OH, TRISH...
I CAN'T BELIEVE DONALD
WOULD DO THIS TO YOU!
YEAH, MY MOTHER
WAS RIGHT.
I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE MARRIED AN ACTOR.
OHH...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
ARE YOU HAVING
A GARAGE SALE?
OH, YOU MIGH CALL IT THAT.
I'M CHANGING
MY LIFE,
GETTING RID
OF THE GARBAGE.
OH, NO!
STEVE, TOO?
MM-HMM.
JESUS, FRANKIE,
I ALWAYS THOUGHT STEVE
WAS ABOUT THE BES YOU WERE GONNA DO.
BUT IT'S NICE TO KNOW
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S BEEN DRAGGED
THROUGH THE MUD
BY SOME MACHO SCUM.
[DOG BARKS]
SNOWBALL!
TRISH, IT WASN' EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, FRANKIE,
BEING SINGLE AGAIN
COULD BE REALLY GREAT.
I MEAN, YOU COULD GO
WHEREVER YOU WANTED,
SLEEP WITH WHOEVER
YOU WANTED,
HAVE ABSOLUTELY
INCREDIBLE SEX
WITH STRANGERS.
LIKE, UM...
I'VE NEVER MADE I WITH A BODYBUILDER,
HAVE YOU?
OR AN ACROBAT?
[LAUGHING]
HOW ABOU A CAR MECHANIC?
A SWEATY ONE.
[LAUGHS]
I'VE NEVER EVEN TRIED
A M\NAGE TROIS,
HAVE YOU?
WITH STEVE?
MM-HMM.
OH, GOD, IT WAS
HARD ENOUGH
TO GET HIM ALONE.
OH.
AND EVEN THEN I WASN'T HARD ENOUGH.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
WELL, FRANKIE,
WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT IT...
THERE ARE A LO OF POSSIBILITIES.
Frankie: OK...
THAT'S
THE FIRST PROBLEM.
YOU'VE GOT NICE EYES,
ULYSSES,
NOW USE THEM.
LOOK AT ME.
WHY? I KNOW
YOU'RE THERE.
BECAUSE LOOKING
SOMEONE IN THE EYES
MAKES THEM FEEL
THAT YOU CARE
ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE
SAYING.
THAT'S POINT NUMBER ONE:
MAKE EYE CONTACT.
AND POINT NUMBER 2
IS LISTENING.
NOW, YOU LOOK AT A WOMAN,
OR ANYONE,
FOR THAT MATTER,
AND LISTEN--
AS IF WHA THEY'RE SAYING
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
GOOD.
GOOD. NOW,
POINT NUMBER 3:
CONFIDENCE.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
JUST STAY THERE.
STAY...
STAY.
[BUZZ]
YEAH?
Woman: STEVE MARCUS
IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
OK, UH, JUST HOLD HIM
THERE, WOULD YOU?
I'LL BE RIGHT UP.
ULYSSES, WHY DON' YOU WATCH THIS
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, OK?
THEY HAVE NOBODY.
Phil Donahue:
YOU ALSO ARE, LIKE--
I'M VERY PLEASED
THAT YOU WOULD BE--
OH! HERE.
HERE. THIS IS
A TALK SHOW.
NOW, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ON ONE OF THESE
IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
SO I WANT YOU
TO STUDY,
OKEY-DOKEY?
OKEY-DOKEY.
HOW 'BOUT, SHOULD YOU MARRY,
WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN...
I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
BIOLOGICAL CLOCK,
ALL THAT STUFF?
YES, MY BIOLOGIC CLOCK
IS COUNTING DOWN,
AND, UM, I WOULD LIKE
TO HAVE CHILDREN.
AND, UH, RIGHT NOW,
I JUST TRY
TO PSYCH MYSELF OU OF NOT HAVING CHILDREN
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE IN MY FUTURE.
UM, ARE YOU LOOKING
FOR MR. RIGHT?
YES. YES, BUT--
ISN' THAT A TRAP?
IS THERE
SUCH A PERSON?
P.A.: ATTENTION,
WELDING TEAMS C AND D...
HI.
PLEASE REPORT TO ANNEX B
ON C LEVEL.
[WHISPERING] What
are you doing here?
I HAVE TO
TALK TO YOU!
YOU WON'T RETURN
MY PHONE CA--
SHH!
My phone calls!
HERE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR LIP?
IT'S A MUSTACHE. I FEL THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME
LOOK MORE MATURE.
VOTERS LIKE THAT.
WELL, I'M
A VOTER, STEVE.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT?!
SHH!
Why are you here?
Is there someplace
a little more private
where we can talk?
Yeah, sure.
I'LL WALK YOU
TO YOUR CAR.
ONE OF THE THINGS IS
THAT YOU CAN'T SIT AROUND
ON YOUR HOOPEY-DOOPEY
WAITING FOR
MR. RIGHT TO COME!
Woman: SHE'S
NOT DOING THAT.
Man: YEAH, I KNOW, BU YOU'VE GOTTA GET OUT THERE,
AND YOU'VE GOTTA
LET YOURSELF BE KNOWN.
YOU'VE GOTTA SAY,
"HERE I AM,
AND I'M WORTHWHILE."
I THINK A LO OF THAT DEPENDS
ON YOUR OWN IMAGE
OF YOUR SELF.
IF YOU SIT HOME AND TURN ON
THE TELEVISION SET,
DON'T EXPEC ANYTHING TO HAPPEN!
GET OUT THERE AND SAY,
"LOOK AT ME! I'M GORGEOUS!"
Donahue:
BUT THE PROBLEM IS,
THERE AREN'T THAT MANY
OTHER GORGEOUS,
WONDERFUL PEOPLE OUT THERE!
THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
Man: WELL,
YOU KNOW, I DON'T--
Woman: THERE ARE--
THERE ARE A LOT--
Man: I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
I THINK THERE ARE!
Donahue: ALL RIGHT.
ARE THE--WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YES, MA'AM, WOULD YOU
KINDLY STAND?
Second woman:
YES, I AM A WIDOW.
I'VE BEEN A WIDOW
FOR 5 YEARS.
AND I'VE FOUND OU THE BEST WAY...
[BLOWS AIR]
...AND DO SOMETHING
FOR SOMEBODY.
[APPLAUSE]
Donahue: AND WE'LL
BE BACK IN JUST A MOMENT.
[DONAHUE THEME PLAYING]
Man: AREN'T YOU TIRED
OF POLITICIANS
WHO DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK?
WE ARE.
WHO ARE WE?
WE'RE VOTERS
FOR STEVEN MARCUS,
BELIEVERS
IN A BETTER CONGRESS
WITH BETTER CONGRESSMEN.
WHAT MAKES MARCUS
SO MUCH BETTER
THAN EVEN
THE SO-CALLED "BEST"?
HE'S SENSITIVE
TO YOUR NEEDS.
I REALLY BELIEVE
HE CARES.
HE'S SMART AS A WHIP.
HE STANDS FOR THE ISSUES
THAT REALLY MATTER.
UNA PERSONA SINCERA.
I THINK HE'S
JUST LIKE YOU AND ME,
EXCEPT HE'S
A LITTLE BETTER.
Man: STEVEN MARCUS.
IT TAKES A MAN
THIS SENSITIVE
TO KNOW YOUR NEEDS.
PAID FOR BY
CITIZENS FOR MARCUS.
[DONAHUE THEME STARTS]
Donahue: HERE'S THE POINT.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR MR. RIGHT,
THEN YOUR WELL-BEING
IS DETERMINED BY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOI--
IT TAKES A MAN
THISSENSITIVE
TO KNOW YOUR NEEDS.
MY GOD, THAT W-WOMAN
IS TURNING YOU
INTO A HOOKER!
Woman: I THINK
THAT I HAVE A HOPE
THAT THERE IS A MR. RIGH OUT THERE FOR ME.
HOW YOU DOIN',
SKIPPY?
IS THAT YOUR NEW
CAMPAIGN MANAGER?
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
COME ON, FRANKIE.
[SIGHS]
I NEED YOU
BACK ON BOARD.
SKIPPER?
TAKE A BREAK.
YOU KNOW, I'VE, UH...
I'VE REALLY
MISSED YOU.
[LAUGHS]
I'M DESPERATE.
I FELL THREE POINTS
IN THE POLLS.
MY ENTIRE CAREER
IS ON THE LINE!
OK, CALL
THE OFFICE.
MAYBE WE CAN
RECOMMEND SOMEBODY.
I ALREADY HAVE. I MEAN,
I'M CONSIDERING, UH--
I'M CONSIDERING
HIRING SUZY DUNCAN.
YOU MEAN MY ASSISTAN SUZY DUNCAN?
WELL, WHY NOT? SHE'S HAD
SOME GOOD IDEAS SO FAR.
LOOK, FRANKIE!
LOOK, YOU COME BACK!
WE CAN KEEP I STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL.
I MEAN, WE CAN, UH--
WE COULD EVEN
DATE OTHER PEOPLE!
I MEAN, I THOUGH THAT'S WHAT YOU'D WANT!
ISN'T IT?
ARE YOU DATING
OTHER PEOPLE?
WELL, YEAH,
I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
KIND OF. AREN'T YOU?
YEAH, SURE.
YEAH.
YEAH.
JESUS, THAT WAS
DAMN QUICK WORK!
WE ONLY BROKE UP
LAST TUESDAY!
WHAT, YOU KEEP THIS GUY
ON A BACK BURNER
OR SOMETHING?
STEVE!
WELL, IT GOT SERIOUS
PRETTY GODDAMNED QUICK!
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO GET INTO THIS RIGHT NOW.
I'VE GOTTA
GO BACK TO WORK.
IT'S SOMEBODY YOU
WORK WITH, RIGHT?
SEE, YOU NEVER
WERE VERY GOOD
AT SEPARATING BUSINESS
FROM PLEASURE!
I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
JEFF!
LOOK, DON'T--
DON'T GET UPSET.
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT.
I'M NOT JEALOUS!
UH, STEVE MARCUS.
JEFF PETERS.
DR. JEFF PETERS.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
REGISTERED, JEFF,
BECAUSE I'M GONNA
BE NEEDING YOU
OUT THERE 4 WEEKS
FROM TUESDAY.
I DON'T FOLLOW
POLITICS.
[CHUCKLES]
SORRY, STEVE.
TAKE GOOD CARE
OF HIM, SKIPPY.
OK? BYE BYE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[WHISPERING] Shh!
YOU'RE MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
MISS STONE, IF I HAVE
UNWITTINGLY LED YOU ON,
I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE.
DON'T FLATTER
YOURSELF.
I HATE MEN.
[WOMAN MIS-SPEAKING SPANISH]
IVY, MUST YOU
BABBLE LIKE THAT?
YOU ARE GOING
TO SHAVE THOSE
BEFORE THE WEDDING?
HECTOR LIKES ME
LIKE THIS.
SHAVING'S SUCH
A BOURGEOIS CONCEPT, MOM.
MARRIAGE IS A BOURGEOIS
CONCEPT, IVY.
HOW COME I CAN' TALK YOU OUT OF THAT?
SORRY I'M LATE!
WELL, YOU TWO
LOOK ADORABLE.
WHO'S GETTING
MARRIED HERE, HUH?
THE WRONG PERSON.
YOU COULD HAVE MARRIED
THE MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR
IN ALL OF MIAMI
IF YOU'D PLAYED
YOUR CARDS RIGHT,
AND YOUR SISTER HERE INSISTS
ON MARRYING A BUSBOY.
HECTOR AND I
ARE IN LOVE, MOM!
WHAT'S LOVE
GOT TO DO WITH IT?
FRANKIE AND STEVE
HAD A RELATIONSHIP.
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
DID THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH
A HORRENDOUS DIVORCE
LIKE ME? NO, THEY
WERE SENSIBLE.
THEY PARTED AS FRIENDS.
IF I NEVER
SEE HIM AGAIN,
IT WILL BE
A DAY TOO SOON.
HOW ABOUT A WEEK
FROM SATURDAY, FRANKIE?
IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU
ASKED THAT CREEP
TO THE WEDDING,
BUT, MOTHER,
ASKING STEVE
TO GIVE IVY AWAY!
I CERTAINLY DID
NOT INVITE HIM!
HE CALLED IVY,
DIDN'T HE, IVY?
YOU ASKED HIM.
NO, I DIDN'T!
IT WAS HIS IDEA.
WELL, HE SAID YOU
WOULDN'T MIND, FRANKIE.
OH, I DON'T MIND.
I JUST WON'T COME.
NO PROBLEM!
WE'LL CALL OFF
THE WEDDING!
I'M HAPPY TO
LOSE MY DEPOSIT!
I'M GETTING
MARRIED, MOTHER!
SO, YOU'RE REALLY NO GONNA COME, FRANKIE?
OF COURSE
I'LL BE THERE.
I'M A BIG GIRL.
I'LL COME.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
OH, YOU'RE
AMAZING, FRANKIE.
I KNEW YOU'D
UNDERSTAND.
Mother: BYE, IVY!
Woman: OH, HO HO!
BULLSHIT, DONNY!
STOP SEEING
THAT NO-GOOD SLUT!
DOO DOO DOO DOO
ROAST BEEF AND SALAMI
[WOMAN AND MAN YELLING]
WHO ARE YOU?
WHERE'S TRISH?
MOE GLICKSTEIN,
DON'S BUSINESS MANAGER.
THIS IS MANNY
OUR ACCOUNTANT.
ARE YOU A FRIEND
OF TRISH'S OR SOMETHING?
I HAPPEN TO LIVE HERE.
OH! OH, VERY NICE PLACE
YOU'VE GOT HERE!
SIT DOWN,
HAVE A NOSH.
MANNY, GIVE HER
SOME OF YOUR CORNED BEEF.
WHY NOT?
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MY BOY DONNY
SUDDENLY ANNOUNCES
HE'S LOSING
HIS EQUILIBRIUM.
HE CAN'T SLEEP,
HE CAN'T WORK.
HE NEEDS
HIS OLD LADY BACK.
AH,HE'S A MESHUGENUH!
HEY, YOU WANT A PICKLE?
HONEY, YOU CAN' GO UP THERE.
DON AND TRISH
NEED THEIR SPACE!
OH, YOU'VE GOTTA
BE KIDDING ME.
HONEY, CALM DOWN!
HERE'S $20.
I CAN GET YOU IN
TO TINY TIM
AT THE EDEN ROC.
IT'S A TERRIFIC SHOW.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
Trish: BULLSHIT, DONNY!
OHH!
OH, ULYSSES, WHA ARE YOU DOING HERE?
STANDING.
THAT'S WHA I DO AT NIGHT.
THAT'S IT?
YOU DON'T...
READ OR WATCH
TELEVISION
OR MULTIPLY
6-DIGIT NUMBERS?
NO.
ULYSSES, WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT ME LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU
TAUGHT ME TO
AND BECAUSE I THINK
YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK YOU'RE THE MOS ATTRACTIVE WOMAN I KNOW.
I'M THE ONLY WOMAN
YOU KNOW.
BUT THANKS, ULYSSES.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
FRANKIE, WHA ARE YOU DOING HERE?
GOOD QUESTION.
OHH, I'M TIRED,
AND I GUESS I DIDN' KNOW WHERE ELSE TO GO.
JEFF TAUGHT ME
TO MASSAGE THE BODY PAR WHEN I HAVE A SPASM
IN MY MECHANISM.
UH...
[CRACKING]
[CHUCKLING] OH.
HEE HEE HEE!
UM...
YOU KNOW, ULYSSES,
YOU CAN'T JUST GO GRABBING
PEOPLE'S FEET LIKE THAT.
WHY NOT?
WELL, BECAUSE
IT JUST ISN'T DONE.
WHY?
WELL, UM...
YOU SEE, THERE
ARE--ARE RULES
FOR SOCIAL BEHAVIOR,
AND, UM...
WELL...
RELATIONSHIPS
BETWEEN PEOPLE
DEVELOP IN
STAGES, AND...
TO GET PHYSICAL
WITH SOMEONE,
YOU HAVE TO GE TO KNOW THEM FIRST.
NOW, IF YOU
DON'T MIND,
I'VE HAD
A VERY LONG DAY,
AND I'D LIKE
TO GET SOME SLEEP.
GOOD NIGHT, ULYSSES.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
WHAT WAS THAT?
A KISS.
PEOPLE KISS WHEN THEY
LIKE EACH OTHER.
IT'S A SIGN OF LOVE
OR AFFECTION.
ALTHOUGH IN MY CASE,
MAYBE I'M GOING NUTS.
NOW, ULYSSES,
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
COULD YOU JUS STAND OUT HERE
IN THE HALLWAY,
PLEASE?
SWEET DREAMS.
SWEET DREAMS.
[SMACK]
JEFF!
JEFF!
EXCUSE ME.
SURE.
GUESS YOU DIDN'T SEE
ME BACK THERE, HUH?
HELLO, SANDRA.
I TOLD YOU
TO CALL ME SANDY!
WE'RE STILL
FRIENDS, AREN'T WE?
I TAKE THE BLAME
FOR EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENED
THE OTHER NIGHT,
BUT, YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY,
GETTING STARTED'S
THE HARDEST PART.
LOOK, I'VE GO A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
AND I'M
THE CAREFREE TYPE,
NO PRESSURES,
NO DEMANDS,
ANYTHING
FOR A LAUGH.
WE'RE STILL ON FOR
TONIGHT, AREN'T WE?
Y-Y-YEAH. YEAH.
I--I GUESS SO.
OK! GREAT! SO...
IT'S A DATE!
[GIGGLES]
OH, EXCUSE ME.
OW!
DAMN!
P.A.: ALL THOSE WISHING
TO PARTICIPATE
IN DR. NIEDERHOL'S
SINGLE INTERFACE
ARE TO MEE IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE,
ROOM B,
PROMPTLY AT 6:00.
I LOVE YOU, JEFF.
[SMACK]
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT IS THAT WOMAN
TEACHING YOU?
Dr. Peters: SHE IS
CLUTTERING HIS PROGRESS
WITH USELESS NONSENSE,
MONOPOLIZING VERY
VALUABLE TRAINING TIME
WITH GOD KNOWS WHAT.
BUT--WHA--B--E--
EMOTIONAL TICS
THAT I HAVE WORKED
TO GET OUT OF
MY OWN PERSONALITY,
SHE HAS MANAGED TO
DRUM INTO HIM OVERNIGHT!
THIS MORNING,
ULYSSES MET ME IN--
IN THAT HALL,
AND HE KISSED ME...
RIGHT NEAR MY MOUTH.
I GUESS
HE LIKES YOU, JEFF.
UM, VERY FUNNY.
MISS STONE?
I AM NOT AMUSED.
ULYSSES IS GOING
INTO DEEP SPACE.
HE IS GOING TO BE
ALONE FOR 7 YEARS.
HE IS NOT GOING OU TO DISCOTHEQUES.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
JEFF...
IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED
MORE TIME WITH ULYSSES--
YES, I DO!
I'M SURE MISS STONE
CAN RESCHEDULE.
AND, MISS STONE,
PLEASE,
TRY TO STICK
TO THE ESSENTIALS.
OK.
OH, AND, JEFF...
NOW THAT ULYSSES
IS ACTING MORE HUMAN,
PERHAPS HE COULD
GIVE YOU A FEW LESSONS.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Bruce: WELL,I'M
STILL WAITING TO HEAR
FROM GOOD MORNING,
AMERICA
AND LIVE AT 5:00,
BUTTHE ONLY CONFIRMATION
I HAVESO FAR
IS FROM
EYE ON MIAMI.
JESUS, BRUCE,
CAN'T WE GE ANYTHING NATIONAL?
WELL,THE DR. RUTH PEOPLE
AREN'T SURE.
THEY WANNA KNOW IF...
IF HE HAS A, UH--
A PENIS.
FORGET IT.
TRY THE CARSON PEOPLE.
OK.
P.A.: PAGING DR. NIPATOE.
DR. NIPATOE,
YOUR PIZZA IS HERE.
OH, WAIT! WAIT!
SHIT!
Woman: YES?
ALL RIGHT.
YES, SURE.
GOOD NIGHT,
DR. PETERS.
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
...CAN'T SEE ME
LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU
FOR ALL MY LIFE
MISS STONE?
PLEASE.
...YOU'RE WITH ME
BABY,
THE SKIES WILL BE BLUE
FOR ALL MY LIFE
DR. RAMDAS?
EH, YOU KNOW,
DR. PETERS CAN GE A LITTLE EXCITED SOMETIMES.
YES, I'VE NOTICED.
ULYSSES IS A VERY EXPENSIVE
PIECE OF EQUIPMENT,
BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I HAVE
COMPLETE FAITH IN YOU.
I KNOW YOU'D
NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO JEOPARDIZE
THIS PROJECT.
THANKS, DR. RAMDAS.
NICE WHEELS.
...ALL MY LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME,
BABY, THE SKIES...
[ENGINE ROARS]
...ME AND YOU
AND YOU AND ME
NO MATTER HOW THEY
TOSS THE DICE
IT HAD TO BE
THE ONLY ONE FOR ME IS YOU
AND YOU FOR ME
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
ME AND YOU
AND YOU AND ME
NO MATTER HOW THEY
TOSS THE DICE
IT HAD TO BE
THE ONLY ONE FOR ME IS YOU
AND YOU FOR ME
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
OOH OOH OOH OOH
HOW IS THE--
AAH!
OH, GOD!
THIS IS GREAT!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING THERE?
BUT JEFF NEVER TOLD ME
IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS!
OH, MY GOD!
Frankie: ULYSSES!
GET IN THE CAR!
Frankie: ULYSSES!
I COULD GO TO PRISON
FOR THIS!
ULYSSES, GET BACK
HERE RIGHT NOW!
YOU'RE MAKING ME
VERY ANGRY!
OHH!
OH, PARDON ME.
DR. PETERS?
IS THAT YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING DOWN THERE?
STEVE. STEVE MARCUS.
WE MET ONCE BEFORE,
REMEMBER?
IT TAKES A MAN
THIS SENSITIVE
TO KNOW YOUR NEEDS.
WELL, YES.
THAT'S THE, UH--
THAT'S THE CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
BUT, UH, WHAT REALLY
CONCERNS ME--
SIR. SIR.
SEE YOU OUT THERE--
WHAT REALLY CONCERNS ME,
OF COURSE, ARE THE ISSUES.
ULYSSES--STEVE!
HI! WHAT A SURPRISE!
STEVE, THERE'S
A B-A-B-Y OVER THERE.
I THINK
YOU SHOULD--
AHEM.
FRANKIE!
WELL, SUZY!
YOU KNOW,
I LOVE THE HAIR,
THE MUSTACHE,
THE WHOLE NEW LOOK.
Suzy: REALLY?
YOU KNOW, UH,
FRANKIE, I'M SUPER SORRY
THAT I DIDN'T CALL YOU,
BUT AFTER ALL, THIS
IS MY BIG SHOT, YOU KNOW?
WELL...
NOT ALL
THAT LARGE, SUZ.
BUT I'M HAPPY
FOR YOU, REALLY.
I WISH YOU ALL
THE SUCCESS YOU DESERVE.
WELL, OFF WE GO.
RIGHT, JEFF?
BYE BYE!
SEE YOU
AT THE WEDDING!
WHAT'S A WEDDING?
Man on TV: JOKER...
JOKER...HEY!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
SO, WHAT CAN
I HELP YOU WITH?
I'M GOING
TO A WEDDING.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
WE'RE JUST LOOKING.
A WEDDING!
MAZEL TOV!
YOU'VE COME TO
THE RIGHT PLACE.
SO, YOU SEEM LIKE
THE KIND OF GUY
WHO'S READY TO TAKE
A FASHION CHANCE.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING,
IT'S GONNA KNOCK
YOUR SOCKS OFF.
I DON'T WEAR SOCKS.
HA HA HA!
RIGHT.
HA HA HA!
SO WHAT ARE YOU?
A 38? 40? HUH?
OH, HERE WE ARE!
TRY THIS ON,
MY FRIEND.
UM...
ULYSSES, DON'T WASTE
THIS NICE MAN'S TIME.
NOW, TAKE IT OFF.
I LIKE IT,
FRANKIE.
HE LIKES IT, FRANKIE.
YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
FRANKIE?
NO.
YOU PREFER SOMETHING MORE
CONSERVATIVE? NO PROBLEM.
HOW ABOUT YOUR BASIC BLACK,
HUH? HALF-PRICE--
NO.
BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUY,
I'LL EVEN THROW IN SOME SHOES.
SO LISTEN,
WHEN'S THE AFFAIR?
Ulysses: FRANKIE?
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
PUT ON THE JACKE AND THE PANTS.
Frankie: NO.
TAKE THE JUMPSUI OFF FIRST.
IS IT CONGENITAL
OR CONTAGIOUS?
DRUGS.
UH-HUH.
NOW WHAT DO I DO?
OH, MY GOD!
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
NOTHING A RABBI
COULDN'T FIX.
Salesman: TAKE A LOOK
AT THIS GUY, HUH?
NOW, THAT'S WHA WE CALL PIZZAZZ!
THINK ABOUT IT WHILE
I WRITE UP THE BILL.
FRANKIE,
DO I LOOK BAD?
NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.
UM, LOOK, ULYSSES,
I DIDN'T MEAN TO
EMBARRASS YOU BACK THERE,
IT'S JUST THAT...
WELL, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGH OF YOU AS A CHILD,
IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
YES.
YES. UM...
UH, WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS, UM...
WELL, SEE I--I JUS DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY JEFF FEL IT WAS NECESSARY
TO GIVE YOU
THAT, UM...
THING.
JEFF FELT IT WOULD
GIVE ME CONFIDENCE.
Salesman: OK, I'M GONNA
THROW IN SOME SHORTS.
OH...OK!
WITH THE SHOES
AND THE CUMBERBUND,
THAT COMES TO $294.98
WITH THE TAX.
WE ACCEPT CASH,
CREDIT CARDS.
WOULD YOU PREFER
OUR CONVENIENT LAYAWAY
LOAN PROGRAM?
OH, NO, NO.
[ALARM BEEPING]
HE JUST WANTED
TO TRY ONE ON.
IT WAS JUS KIND OF A JOKE.
Electronic voice:
WE'RE SORRY,
BUT WE FAILED TO REMOVE
THE INVENTORY CONTROL--
ULYSSES!
UH...
WE ACCEPT ALL
MAJOR CREDIT CARDS.
HOWDY, PARDNER! COME
ON DOWN TO BIG BOB'S
END-OF-THE-YEAR
STEREO R-R-ROUNDUP.
HOWDY, PARDNER!
"HOWDY."
EVERYTHING IN
OUR CORRAL MUST GO!
T-T-TVs! VCRs!
MICROWAVES!
YOU NAME IT,
WE GOT IT!
HOWDY, PARDNER!
COME ON DOWN
TO BIG BOB'S...
Sandy: JEFF. JEFF!
HI! IT'S ME! HI!
HOWDY, PARDNER.
HA HA HA! HOWDY!
THAT'S FUNNY,
US BUMPING
INTO EACH OTHER
LIKE THIS, HUH?
SMALL WORLD!
YES, IT IS.
THE EARTH IS
THE FIFTH LARGEST PLANE IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM,
ITS DIAMETER
BEING 7,918 MILES.
HEY,
YOU LOOK GREAT!
YOU GOT A TUXEDO
ON AND EVERYTHING.
I HOPE YOU DIDN' DO THAT JUST FOR ME.
ALTHOUGH I'D REALLY
BE FLATTERED IF YOU DID.
WE'RE STILL ON FOR
TONIGHT, AREN'T WE?
'CAUSE I HAD A GREA TIME THE OTHER NIGHT,
AND I WAS JUS THINKING THA YOU WERE JUS BEGINNING TO LIKE ME,
ALTHOUGH I DON'T WANNA
PRESSURE YOU AT ALL.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
SANDY!
HA HA HA! YOU GO A SHORT MEMORY!
LIVE FOR THE MOMENT,
RIGHT? HA HA HA!
HEY! I JUST HAD
A CRAZY IDEA.
WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF
GOING OUT TONIGHT,
WE JUST WENT OU RIGHT NOW, JUST--
HA HA HA!
I DON'T KNOW,
WHAT WOULD
YOU THINK?
OKEY-DOKEY.
WELL, GREAT!
YOU'RE REALLY
IN A GOOD MOOD!
SO, I'LL JUS GO CHANGE.
I GOT A NEW
DESIGNER OUTFIT,
AND I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T GO AWAY!
HA HA HA!
HEY...
[LAUGHING]
DOES IT SEEM LIKE PEOPLE
ARE STARING AT US?
WE MUST LOOK PRETTY
GREAT TOGETHER!
OH, GOD, IF I FEL THIS GOOD ALL THE TIME,
I WOULDN'T BE BACK
IN THERAPY.
YOU KNOW WHA I MEAN?
NO, I DON'T, SANDY.
OHH! LOOK A THOSE EARRINGS!
I'VE BEEN DREAMING
ABOUT THOSE
EVER SINCE JULY!
WOULD YOU LIKE THEM?
YOU THINK
I WAS HINTING.
I WAS JUS DAYDREAMING!
THEY'RE
TOO EXPENSIVE.
NO! NO!
OH!
Salesman:
A WONDERFUL CHOICE.
THOSE ARE JAPANESE
CULTURED PEARLS
IN A VERY HANDSOME
SETTING.
JEFF, NO, REALLY.
I CAN'T. I--
[GIGGLES] THIS IS
SO EMBARRASSING!
THEY'LL LOOK LOVELY
ON YOU, MISS.
THANK YOU, JEFF.
I HAVE A CONFESSION
TO MAKE.
I'M REALLY JUS AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL
AND...
GETTING A GIF FROM A MAN
REALLY MEANS
A LOT TO ME.
YES. THAT'LL BE
$139.56 WITH THE TAX.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY WITH
CREDIT CARD, CASH, OR CHECK?
SIR?
SIR?
JEFF, THE MONEY.
I DON'T HAVE ANY.
HUH?
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S OK!
I DON'T MIND,
REALLY. I--
THEY'RE JUS SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU TAKE
AMERICAN EXPRESS?
WHAT AN AMAZING
CONCEPT!
YOU DON'T HAVE
A CREDIT CARD?
JEFF, YOU'RE REALLY
A LOT DIFFEREN THAN I THOUGH YOU WERE. [LAUGHS]
TRISH! THANK GOD
YOU'RE THERE! LOOK,
I'M WITH MY COUSIN--
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT WITH
HIM, BUT I SHOULD BE.
YES, I HAVE A COUSIN.
HE'S IN FOR THE WEDDING.
WHO CARES IF HE'S CUTE?!
LOOK, IF BY ANY CHANCE
HE SHOWS UP THERE,
JUST KEEP HIM THERE,
WOULD YOU?
I'LL BE AT THE LAB.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN!
JUST DO IT!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
HERE YOU GO.
YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
QUITE AN APPETITE.
YES. I NEVER GET FOOD
WITH SO MANY COLORS.
WHAT DO YOU
USUALLY EAT, JEFF?
PHENODYETHEMINE
IN AN AMINO ACID BASE.
GUESS THAT MEANS
YOU DON'T COOK, HUH?
OW!
JEEZ!
WELL, I THINK I'VE HAD
ABOUT ENOUGH FUN
FOR ONE NIGHT.
MY CASH IS GONE,
AND MY CREDIT CARD'S
GETTING A LITTLE THIN.
WHY DON'T WE
JUST GO HOME?
COULD YOU TAKE ME?
YOU DON' HAVE YOUR CAR!
NO.
OK!
WHERE DO YOU
WANNA GO?
FRANKIE STONE'S?
YOU'LL LIKE HER!
OH, NO, I WON'T!
[PSCHHT PSCHHT]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
[RING]
HELLO?
NO. NO.
MRS. STONE IS--
MISS STONE IS NO HERE RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
[MUSICAL NOTES RING]
OH, THANK GOD
YOU'RE HERE!
MISS STONE,
MY GOD!
JEFF!
HAVEN'T YOU
ASCERTAINED BY NOW
THAT I HAVE NO DESIRE
IN PURSUING INTIMATE
RELATIONS WITH YOU?!
SORRY, JEFF.
SORRY.
[SOBBING]
THIS MAGIC MOMENT
SO DIFFEREN AND SO NEW
WILL LAST FOREVER...
WHERE IS HE?
OH, FRANKIE!
HE MUST HAVE
BROKEN HIS NECK.
WHAT?
HE JUST FLEW OU OF CONTROL!
AND HE JERKED
FORWARD!
IT WAS TERRIBLE!
WAIT!
WHERE IS HE?
[SOBBING]
AAH!
[BARKS]
Frankie: TRISH!
HE WAS SO GIVING,
SO COMPASSIONATE.
HE HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL
UNDERSTANDING
OF A WOMAN'S HEAR AND NOW HE'S DEAD!
TRISH, TRISH,
CALM DOWN!
NOW, WHAT HAPPENED?
I COULDN'T HELP IT.
IT WAS THE WAY
HE LOOKED AT ME.
HE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
WE WERE IN
EACH OTHER'S ARMS,
AND WE WERE MAKING LOVE,
AND IT WAS SO--
WAIT A MINUTE!
YOU WERE MAKING WHAT?!
WE WERE MAKING LOVE,
AND IT WAS
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING
I HAVE EVER FEL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
WAIT! WAIT!
WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!
HE COULD DO THAT?
WITH YOU?
WHY SHOULDN'T HE
DO THAT WITH ME?
OH, TRISH! DAMN IT!
DID YOU SHOW HIM HOW?
THIS IS GETTING
A LITTLE SICK,
DON'T YOU THINK?
YOUR COUSIN IS DEAD
ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR!
HE WAS ON TOP OF ME,
INSIDE ME,
AND THEN HE JUS STARTED GOING CRAZY!
HIS HEAD STARTED
TWISTING OFF,
AND HE DIED!
[SOBBING]
TRISH...
TRISH, JUST HELP ME GE HIS HEAD OFF, WOULD YOU?
OHH! MY GOD!
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?!
LISTEN! I'M SORRY TO
HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT YOU DIDN'T MAKE LOVE
TO MY COUSIN.
YOU JUST MADE I WITH MY ANDROID!
[DOG WHIMPERS]
YOUR WHAT?
EWWH!
[SOBBING] EWWH!
WHAT ARE YOU
SO HAPPY ABOUT?
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
OUT HERE, FRANKIE.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
ENJOYING OUR DATE.
LET'S GET ONE THING
STRAIGHT, ULYSSES.
THIS IS NO A DATE, OK?
IS THAT BECAUSE
YOU'RE UPTIGHT?
NO, I AM NOT UPTIGHT!
AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
THAT STUPID WORD?
TRISH.
THAT FIGURES.
LOOK, ULYSSES,
I'M JUST A LITTLE
UPSET RIGHT NOW, OK?
IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING,
I'M TIRED,
I HAVEN'T CHANGED
CLOTHES FOR TWO DAYS,
AND YOU'VE PROBABLY
JUST COST ME MY JOB.
I'M SORRY, FRANKIE.
[CHUCKLES] I MEAN,
WHAT A JOKE!
ME, TRYING TO TURN YOU
INTO SOMEBODY
THAT EVERYBODY
IN AMERICA'S SUPPOSED
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH.
FRANKIE?
WHY DO PEOPLE WAN TO FALL IN LOVE?
I DON'T KNOW,
ULYSSES.
YOU'RE ASKING
THE WRONG GIRL.
DON'T YOU WAN TO FALL IN LOVE?
YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT?
BUT, BELIEVE ME,
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
YOU FALL IN LOVE
WITH SOME GUY,
BUT HE'S IN LOVE
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
OR YOU THINK
YOU'RE IN LOVE,
BUT YOU'RE NOT.
OR HE THINKS HE'S IN
LOVE, BUT HE'S NOT.
OR HE WAS IN LOVE,
BUT NOW HE'S NOT,
BUT NOW YOU ARE.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND
SO COMPLICATED.
IT IS COMPLICATED.
AND, ULYSSES,
YOU SHOULD BE GLAD
THAT YOU'RE NOT HUMAN
AND YOU DON' HAVE TO SUFFER
THROUGH THAT KIND
OF HUMILIATION.
IF I WERE HUMAN,
FRANKIE,
IT WOULD BE SIMPLE.
I WOULD BE
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW, FRANKIE,
I THOUGHT LAST NIGH WAS A LOT OF FUN,
BUT I THINK TONIGH WAS EVEN BETTER.
I'M GLAD
YOU HAD FUN.
I CERTAINLY DID.
GOOD.
NOW I WANT YOU
TO GO IN THERE
AND CHANGE BACK
INTO YOUR JUMPSUIT,
AND PLEASE, ULYSSES,
DON'T SAY A WORD
ABOUT THIS EVENING
TO ANYONE, OK?
OK.
OK, GOOD.
GOOD NIGHT.
CAN I KEEP MY TUXEDO?
OK. FOR NOW.
DOES THAT MEAN I CAN
GO TO A WEDDING?
I'M SORRY, ULYSSES.
JUST GO CHANGE, OK?
GOOD NIGHT.
[BEEPING]
Ulysses: JEFF?
WHAT?
LET'S SAY THERE'S
THIS CERTAIN PERSON
THAT YOU REALLY LIKE,
BUT THEN YOU HAVE SEX
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
NOW...
A: DO YOU HAVE TO
LIKE THE PERSON
YOU HAVE SEX WITH?
B: DO YOU HAVE TO
HAVE SEX
WITH THE PERSON
YOU LIKE?
C: DO YOU HAVE TO
STOP LIKING
THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"D"--
D...
NONE OF THE ABOVE.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
CHANGE YOUR PROGRAM.
BUT, JEFF,
WHAT ABOUT BABIES?
CAN I HAVE ONE?
IT IS THAT WOMAN,
ISN'T IT?
WHAT HAS SHE
BEEN TEACHING YOU?!
SHE'S TEACHING ME
ABOUT LIFE, JEFF,
AND IT'S
VERY INTERESTING,
BUT WHAT I REALLY
NEED TO KNOW IS,
ARE LOVE AND SEX
THE SAME THING?
LOOK, ULYSSES,
I WANT YOU
TO REMEMBER
THAT YOU ARE
MUCH MORE ADVANCED
THAN THAT WOMAN
WILL EVER BE.
DO NOT LET HER DRAG
YOU DOWN TO HER LEVEL!
SHE LIVES IN
AN EMOTIONAL SWAMP!
BUT THEN,
SO DO MOST PEOPLE!
SOME MINOR ACTIVITY
OCCURS IN THE MEDULLA,
AND--AND WHAM! THEY THINK
THEY'RE IN LOVE.
THE NEXT THING THEY KNOW,
THEY HAVE 2 CHILDREN
AND A CANINE.
AND THEN, BOOM!
SOME NEURON MISFIRES,
AND THEY'RE
DIVORCED, MISERABLE,
AND ONLY GET TO SEE
THEIR CHILDREN ON SUNDAYS.
IT IS ALL CHEMICAL,
ULYSSES,
AND IT IS ALL
A WASTE OF TIME.
YOU WERE MADE FOR
GRANDER THINGS, PAL.
DO YOU READ ME?
LOUD AND CLEAR, JEFF.
GOOD, ULYSSES.
GOOD.
JEFF?
DO YOU THINK MISS STONE
HAS SEX APPEAL?
I DO.
BUT STEVE'S MOTHER
SAID STEVE SAID
YOU HAD A DATE
FOR THE WEDDING, DEAR.
Frankie: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT STEVE'S TALKING ABOUT.
WELL, ACCORDING TO
STEVE'S MOTHER,
HE'S NOT MUCH
TO LOOK AT, BUT...
I HEARD HE WAS
SOME SORT OF DOCTOR.
WE'RE ALL DYING
TO MEET HIM.
MOM, LOOK,
I TOLD YOU
I'M COMING ALONE!
NOW, DARLING,
YOU ARE GONNA BE ABLE
TO DIG UP SOMEBODY,
AREN'T YOU?
NOW, YOU DON'T WANT STEVE
TO SEE YOU THERE
ALL ALONE,
DO YOU, DEAR?
MOM, THANKS
FOR THE ADVICE.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU
WHEN I GET HOME, OK?
BYE.
OHH!
DR. PETERS?
HI.
HOW DID WORK
GO TODAY?
FINE. JUST...
GREAT.
OH, GOOD.
AHEM. JEFF, UM...
I--I DON'T WAN TO SCARE YOU,
UNDERSTAND THAT, OK?
BUT COULD I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
OK.
UM...
WELL, FOR, UH,
REASONS I CAN'T GO INTO
AND YOU DON' WANNA KNOW ABOUT,
I HAVE TO GO
TO THIS...WEDDING,
AND I NEED A DATE,
AND YOU'D BE
THE EXACT PERFECT GUY.
NOW, THIS ISN' A PROPOSITION.
I JUST WANNA KNOW
IF YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT...
MAYBE GOING WITH ME?
A WEDDING?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
WITH PEOPLE.
OH, THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE!
THEY'RE JUST MY FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, JEFF,
YOU'VE GO REALLY NICE EYES.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
MAYBE WEARING CONTACTS?
GOOD NIGHT.
Frankie: YOU CAN PICK ME
UP AT 4:00 AT 1313
SOUTHEAST 10th STREET,
MIAMI BEACH.
OK?
THANKS SO MUCH, JEFF.
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.
OH, HELLO.
SANDRA, I'M--I'M SORRY
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
I WASN'T FEELING WELL.
AHEM.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE
HAVING YOUR LUNCH NOW?
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
[GASP] FRANKIE!
FRANKIE, COME HERE!
FRANKIE!
WHAT?
WHAT IS IT?
THAT'S HER! THAT'S THE SLU THAT STOLE DONALD.
I KNOW NOTHING
OF THE KIND.
LOOK ME IN THE EYE
AND SAY THAT.
DO YOU WANT ME TO LIS THE THINGS
WE'VE DONE TOGETHER?
OH...SHUT UP.
OH, MY GOD,
THEY'RE FRENCHING!
THIS IS NETWORK TV,
AND THEY'RE
USING TONGUES!
THAT'S GOT TO BE
AGAINST SOME RULE!
OH, NO.
NO, I CAN'T.
PLEASE STOP!
ALESSANDRO,
I'M PREGNANT.
Trish: IT BETTER NO BE DONALD'S.
IS THIS SOME TRICK
OF YOURS?
WHAT?
IF IT IS,
I'LL SLAP YOU.
OH, GO AHEAD AND HIT ME.
DO YOU THINK THA I HAVE ANY PRIDE LEFT?
OH!
MMM!
OH.
OH, I LOVE YOU...
AND I HATE YOU!
[MELODRAMATIC MUSIC]
I LOVE YOU,
AND I HATE YOU, TOO.
OH!
NEW JERSEY.
IT'S NOT JUST A STATE.
IT'S A STATE OF MIND.
HUH...
IF WE EVER
GET BACK TOGETHER,
I'M GOING TO HOLD THIS
AGAINST HIM FOREVER.
LOOK, TRISH,
DON'T USE
THAT VCR, OK?
I TOLD YOU,
I'M SENDING ALL OF THIS
STUFF BACK TOMORROW.
OH, GOD!
I DON'T SEE WHY ULYSSES
BOUGHT YOU
ALL THIS STUFF ANYONE.
I'M THE ONE WHO SLEP WITH HIM, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH
TO BE DUMPED BY DONALD
BUT TO BE JILTED
BY AN ANDROID!
ULYSSES JUST THINKS
I'M MAD AT HIM,
AND THIS IS HIS WAY
OF APOLOGIZING.
HMM.
BUT STILL...
WHY 12 PAIRS
OF THE SAME SHOE?
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW
YOUR SHOE SIZE.
HE'S SO SWEET.
MIND IF I BORROW
THE SIZE 8?
HEY, FRANKIE,
HOW DO YOU THINK
HE MANAGES TO BUY
ALL THIS STUFF?
[KNOCK KNOCK]
HEY, IT LOOKS
LIKE PROM NIGHT OUT HERE.
COME ON IN.
YOU'RE LOOKING SPIFFY.
HEY, TRISH!
OUR ESCORT'S HERE.
OH.
WELL, THANKS, JEFF.
IT'S, UH...
OH, A WRIST CORSAGE.
VERY CUTE.
AH!
OH, MY GOD!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY
LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE!
I KNOW.
I WONDER
IF EVERYTHING ELSE
IS THE SAME.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]
WHAT A WONDERFUL
REAFFIRMATION OF LIFE.
PLEASE, STEVE,
CUT THE CRAP.
DEARLY BELOVED...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
WE ARE GATHERED
HERE TODAY...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
THAT'S NICE.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
OH, THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC.
THAT'S NICE. HOLD THAT.
VERY NICE.
MORE ROMANCE.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD.
HOLD THAT.
VERY NICE.
[CAR RADIO]
ROCK STEADY, BABY
THAT'S WHAT I FEEL NOW
THAT'S ALL THE SONG...
[HONK HONK]
HEY, DUDE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M GOING
TO A WEDDING.
SIT YOURSELF DOWN IN YOUR CAR
AND TAKE A RIDE...
THAT'S WAY THE HELL
IN MIAMI BEACH, MY MAN.
ARE YOU GOING
WAY THE HELL
IN MIAMI BEACH, MY MAN?
COME ON. HOP ON IN.
[BAND PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
AND NOW WE'D LIKE TO CALL
OUR BEAUTIFUL BRIDE
TO JOIN
HER HANDSOME ESPOSO
FOR TONIGHT'S FIRST DANCE.
1, 2, 3.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
OOH!
WHOO!
YOU CAN TAKE THE LITTLE
UMBRELLA OUT, JEFF.
IT'S ALLOWED.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO DANCE?
I'M...I'M NO VERY GOOD AT IT.
OH, COME ON,
IT'S EASY.
I'LL LEAD.
HI, HI, HI!
STEVE, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEE TWO SUPERFABULOUS PEOPLE,
ESSIE AND RAMON HERNANDEZ.
COMO ESTA?
ESSIE AND RAMON
ARE REAL INTERESTED
IN NICARAGUA
AND ALL THE ISSUES
AND THINGS.
AND I KNOW THEY'D
LIKE TO HEAR
ABOUT OUR SPECIAL
BINGO FUND-RAISER.
UNO MOMENTO.
BACK IN A JIFFY.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
SOME TIME OFF, SUZY?
WE'RE AT A WEDDING!
I'M DOING I FOR YOU, HONEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
YOU'RE WORSE THAN I AM.
HASTA LUEGO.
HASTA LUEGO.
THANKS.
HI. SO...
MIND IF I CUT IN?
THIS IS OUR SONG.
I THINK THAT WOULD BE
A GOOD IDEA.
I DIDN'T KNOW BABALOO
WAS OUR SONG, STEVE.
FRANKIE, YOU'RE
REALLY EXCITING ME
IN THAT DRESS.
LISTEN,
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICUL TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
WITH THA RIDICULOUS MUSTACHE, STEVE.
WOULD YOU TRY?
I MEAN, I DON'T TEASE YOU
ABOUT YOURS.
SOMETIMES I FORGE WHAT A CREEP YOU ARE.
OH, COME ON, FRANKIE.
WON'T YOU GIVE ME
A SECOND CHANCE?
I THINK
I'D LIKE TO MARRY YOU.
CAREFUL, STEVE. THA ALMOST SOUNDED SINCERE.
ARE YOU IN LOVE
WITH THAT DOOFUS OR WHAT?
HE HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF
THE BRIGHTEST MEN
ON THIS PLANET.
OH, I DON'T DOUBT IT.
I'LL MAKE YOU
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
STAY RIGHT THERE.
DON'T MOVE.
I'LL BE BACK.
OOH! WHA ARE YOU EATING?
PROTEIN PASTE.
DON'T TOUCH THAT,
PLEASE.
I DEVELOPED I SPECIFICALLY
FOR THE ULYSSES
PROJECT.
ONE TUBE CONTAINS
ALL THE NUTRIENTS
REQUIRED FOR
A FOUR-WEEK PERIOD.
OH. I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK,
THIS SCIENCE THING
THAT YOU DO--
WHAT EXACTLY
ARE YOU INTO?
WELL...
HA! [SNORTS]
I'M "INTO" ROBOTICS
AND SPACE EXPLORATION.
OOH. I HAD A DREAM
ABOUT SPACE
THE OTHER DAY.
I WAS, UH--HELLO?
HELLO.
I WAS TRAVELING FAR, FAR OU INTO ANOTHER GALAXY,
AND I HAD
THIS STRANGE SENSATION
THAT SPACE WAS
FOLDING IN ON ITSELF,
LIKE IT WAS CURVED
OR SOMETHING.
WHAT?
FOLDING IN ON ITSELF.
THAT'S AMAZING.
THAT'S WHAT DOES HAPPEN!
SPACE IS CURVED.
REALLY?
YES. YOU SEE...
IF THIS IS OUR GALAXY
AND THESE REPRESEN OTHER KNOWN GALAXIES--
IS THAT A PIMENTO?
OH, I'M SORRY. AM I
DESTROYING DISTANT WORLDS?
NO. THAT'S OK.
NOW, THAT IS
A QUASAR, OK?
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT...THAT'S
A BLACK HOLE.
BLACK HOLE?
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
YES, SIR?
YES. STRAIGHT THROUGH
TO THE BACK.
AS...
I WAS SAYING,
YOU SEE,
A BLACK HOLE
IS SO DENSE
THAT ITS GRAVITY
ACTUALLY
SUCKS IN LIGHT.
ITS GRAVITY ACTUALLY
SUCKS IN LIGHT.
MM-HMM.
I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE
DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I GOT TO GET HER BACK, MAN.
DONNY, YOU GOT TO MAKE IT UP
WITH YOUR MISSUS.
WE CAN'T SCHLEP
DOWN TO MIAMI
EVERY TIME YOU CAN' FALL SLEEP AT NIGHT!
NEW? HE'S GO TO GET HER BACK.
HE'S A MESHUGENUH!
[SPEAKING YIDDISH]
OY YI YI YI.
OH, MY GOD,
IT'S ALESSANDRO
FROM NEW JERSEY!
ALLESANDRO!
AAH!
CAN I JUST TOUCH
YOUR HAIR?
DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR,
ALL RIGHT?
JUST--JUST--
JUST DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR.
IT'S GORGEOUS.
OH!
MANNY, COME ON, MAN.
TAKE CARE OF THIS.
OOH!
NOW CAN YOU
TAKE ME SERIOUSLY?
HERE, TAKE THIS.
COME ON, FRANKIE.
I WANT YOU BACK.
IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE
OF THE ELECTION.
IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
WHAT DOES ALBER EINSTEIN HERE WANT?
WHAT IS IT, JEFF?
I CAME TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
FRANKIE, I LOVE YOU.
SHALL WE DANCE?
OH!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
THIS IS INSANE.
WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU
BACK TO THE LAB!
WHY?
I CAME ALL THIS WAY
TO BE WITH YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU LOVE ME.
HOW COULD YOU LOVE ME?
AH, EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
DONALD!
WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WHERE'S TRISH?
TRISH?
YEAH. WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT TRISH, TOUGH GUY?
TRISH REALLY LIKES SEX.
AAH!
DONALD, DON'T HIT HIM!
HIT ME.
YOU'RE REALLY SICK.
NO, NO! AAH!
GET AWAY!
FRANKIE, I'M COMING!
FREEZE!
OH!
AAH!
OH!
COME ON, BUDDY.
IT'S GO TIME.
OH...
DONALD!
AAH!
DONALD, STOP IT!
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
I'LL KILL YOU!
AAH!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
DONALD, STOP IT!
STOP IT!
OW!
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
DONALD!
AAH!
AAH!
[FEEDBACK]
I'LL GET YOU!
AAH!
OH!
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHOA!
AAH!
OH!
OH! OH!
ULYSSES!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, GOD!
ULYSSES!
IS HE DEAD?
OH, GOD!
OH, GOD!
OH! OH! OH!
MOVE!
CAN YOU FIX HIM?
OOH!
OOH!
[BEEP BEEP BEEP]
ALTHOUGH SOME OF THE STORIES
ARE SLIGHTLY EXAGGERATED,
THERE'S NO DOUB THAT ULYSSES' POPULARITY
IS SPREADING
ACROSS THE COUNTRY
FROM MIAMI TO SEATTLE.
WE'LL TAKE A CLOSER LOOK
AT SOME
OF THE REASONS WHY.
COMING UP AT 11:00
AFTER NEW JERSEY.
STAY TUNED.
TRISH, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH ME?
LOOK, YOU'RE HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
I HAVE THOSE
ALL THE TIME.
JUST BECAUSE EVERYTHING
OF VALUE IN YOUR LIFE
HAS BEEN DESTROYED,
SO WHAT?
THERE'S STILL FOOD.
NEW JERSEY CONTINUES.
OH, WHY ARE YOU WATCHING
THIS IDIOTIC SHOW?
BECAUSE DON GETS
PUNCHED
AT LEAS ONCE EVERY EPISODE,
AND I LIKE
WATCHING THAT.
ADMIT IT, TRISH.
YOU STILL LOVE THE JERK.
AFTER WHAT HE DID
AT THE WEDDING,
YOU MUST BE JOKING.
NO! PLEASE.
I THOUGHT HE WAS
HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH A TALL GORGEOUS BLONDE.
OH, HE ALWAYS
HAS TIME
FOR A LITTLE
SOMETHING EXTRA.
OH!
NO, MARISSA.
NO!
YOU SEE,
ISN'T THIS FUN?
YEAH, HE IS
KIND OF CUTE
WHEN HE BEGS.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
THE ONLY ONE I LOVE.
YOU COULDN' LIVE WITHOUT ME.
KILL HIM.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE WEAK.
[GUNSHOT]
AAH!
OH, MY GOD!
SHE'S KILLING HIM!
DON'T WORRY,
NOBODY EVER DIES
ON THESE SHOWS.
[PANTING]
HE'S DEAD!
UNLESS THEY'RE CANCELING
HIS CONTRACT.
OHH!
DEADER THAN A DOOR NAIL.
OH, NO! IT'S GO TO BE A MISTAKE!
HE'S SUPPOSED
TO BE A REGULAR!
10 YEARS AS
A STARVING ACTOR.
THEY CAN'T KILL HIM
AFTER 12 EPISODES!
IT'S NOT FAIR!
TRISH, IT'S NO YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
HE MUST BE DEVASTATED.
WHY DIDN'T HE CALL ME?
TRISH, THINK A MINUTE!
THINK HOW HE TREATED YOU.
LISTEN, DONALD
IS NOT PERFECT,
I'M NOT PERFECT,
NEITHER IS STEVEN
NEITHER ARE YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
LOOK...
I DON'T KNOW!
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO BACK WITH STEVE.
LOOK, HE'S HANDSOME
AND HE'S FUNNY...
WELL, MAYBE HE'S NO ALL THAT FUNNY,
BUT HE HAS
AN INTERESTING JOB,
AND HE EARNS HIS KEEP.
LOOK, I DON'T EVEN
LIKE HIM THAT MUCH,
BUT IT'S BETTER
THAN NOTHING.
I'LL JUST GO CALL
FROM THE OTHER ROOM.
COME ON, SNOWBALL.
[RUFF RUFF]
ULYSSES, YOU'RE NO CONCENTRATING. WHAT'S WRONG?
I DON'T KNOW. I KEEP
THINKING ABOUT FRANKIE.
I MISS HER, JEFF.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU WERE NEVER
PROGRAMMED
TO BE IN LOVE,
THEREFORE, YOU
CAN'T BE IN LOVE.
ULYSSES, I WON' ALLOW YOU TO SCREW UP
10 YEARS OF RESEARCH
AND HARD WORK
BECAUSE YOU'RE MOONING
OVER SOME FEMALE.
I'M JUST NOT THAT INTERESTED
IN SPACE ANYMORE, JEFF.
DON'T SAY THAT!
PLEASE!
THIS HAS BEEN
A DREAM OF MINE
EVER SINCE
I WAS A LITTLE BOY,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE
IT COME TRUE FOR ME.
ULYSSES, YOU HAVE
A GREAT FUTURE IN SPACE.
YOU'LL GO DOWN
IN THE HISTORY BOOKS.
YOU'RE TO BE ENVIED.
I DON'T WANT TO
BE ENVIED.
I WANT TO BE LOVED.
JEFF, I LOVE FRANKIE.
SHE IS A PERSON,
AND YOU ARE AN ANDROID!
WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU
WAS RIDICULOUS!
RIDICULOUS,
AND SHE KNOWS IT.
SHE THOUGHT I WAS RIDICULOUS?
YES, ULYSSES.
I PROMISE YOU
ONCE YOU'RE UP THERE
YOU'LL FEEL COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT,
BECAUSE WHAT YOU'LL
BE DOING IS TRULY
THE MOST EXCITING
THING IN THE WORLD.
[CLICK]
Deejay: 97 GTR.
GOOD MORNING, SOUTH FLORIDA!
WHAT DO YOU SAY, GUYS?
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY
WITH THE BEARMAN THIS MORNING.
IT IS 7:20.
IT IS GOING TO BE SUNNY
AND WARM AGAIN TODAY
IN SOUTH FLORIDA.
GREAT DAY TO GO OUT TO THE
BEACHES AND WORK ON YOUR TAN.
LET'S TALK A LITTLE BI ABOUT ULYSSES.
WE'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
A LOT LATELY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF ULYSSES?
WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME NOW?
ALL THE LINES ARE OPEN
IN DADE, BROWARD
AND THE PALM BEACHES,
BUT FIRST, COMING UP, A SONG
ULYSSES MIGHT LIKE,
PINK FLOYD'S
WELCOME TO THE MACHINE.
97 GTR.
THE BEST ROCK 'N' ROLL
VARIETY.
[HONKING]
[WHISTLE]
MY GOSH!
SNAZZY CAR!
SURE IS A WELCOME RELIEF
FROM THAT OLD WRECK
OF YOURS.
HI, STEVE.
OW!
YOU KNOW,
I'M REALLY GLAD
YOU CALLED.
IT WAS, UM...
A NICE SURPRISE.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
I WANTED TO GO
TO THIS
PRESS CONFERENCE
AND YOU LET ME
TAG ALONG
AND I REALLY
APPRECIATE THAT.
WELL, AS A FRIEND
OF MINE SAID,
"ANY WOMAN IN MIAMI
WOULD GIVE UP
A MONTH OF GOOD SEX
JUST TO SEE THIS BLASTOFF."
BUT I KNOW ONE GAL
WHO WON'T HAVE TO.
FRANKIE, HOW'S MY--
HOW'S MY HAIR LOOK?
UM...
IS IT OK?
IT'S FINE.
SURE?
STEVE.
OH, ALAN,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I HEARD
ABOUT YOUR HAND.
THE ONLY THING AFFECTED
IS MY GOLF GAME.
STEVE, CAN YOU
EXCUSE ME
FOR A MINUTE?
ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
YOU REMEMBER GUY,
DON'T YOU?
GUY, GOOD
TO SEE YOU.
JEFF.
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY BUSINESS BEING HERE.
LOOK, JEFF,
I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
BUT I'M GLAD HE'S FIXED
AND EVERYTHING'S OK.
WHO SAID HE WAS OK?
THE PAPERS,
THE TELEVISION.
WELL, HE ISN'T.
HE DOESN'T WORK THE WAY
HE WAS PROGRAMMED TO.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE
THE DAMAGE YOU'VE DONE, DO YOU?
I HAVE SPENT YEARS
DEVELOPING ULYSSES
SO HE COULD FUNCTION
IN SPACE ALONE.
AND NOW, IN LESS THAN
ONE MONTH'S TIME,
YOU HAVE RUINED HIM.
TELL ME THIS--
HOW'S HE SUPPOSED TO
SURVIVE OUT THERE NOW
WHEN ALL HE THINKS
ABOUT IS YOU?
READY, HON?
WE ARE PLEASED YOU COULD ALL
BE HERE TODAY
TO MEET THE ULYSSES ANDROID.
THE AWESOME DISTANCES INVOLVED
IN THE EXPLORATION OF DEEP SPACE
HAVE ALWAYS POSED
A SERIOUS DILEMMA.
HOW COULD A MAN
WITHSTAND THE TERRIBLE ISOLATION
AND CONFINEMENT?
HOW COULD A MACHINE BE
OUR EYES AND EARS?
WE BELIEVE
THE ULYSSES ANDROID...
IS THE ANSWER.
[APPLAUSE]
AND NOW,
LET ME INTRODUCE
ULYSSES HIMSELF.
HELLO,
I AM THE ULYSSES ANDROID
DEVELOPED BY DR. JEFF PETERS
AT CHEMTEC,
AND I AM HERE
TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.
[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]
WE'RE CURIOUS TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE
CONCERNING YOUR IMMINEN DEPARTURE INTO SPACE.
I'M AN ANDROID.
I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE
YOUR PROGRAM
CONTAINS A LO OF HUMAN TENDENCIES.
THESE MINOR TECHNICAL ERRORS
HAVE BEEN CORRECTED.
THE QUESTION EVERYONE'S
DYING TO ASK IS,
ARE YOU STILL LOVESICK?
NO. NEXT QUESTION.
AREN'T YOU FRIGHTENED
GOING UP THERE ALONE
FOR SEVEN YEARS?
NO.
THAT'S EASY. IT'S PEOPLE
WHO ARE FRIGHTENING.
THEY WALK AROUND HUR AND CONFUSED AND MORE ALONE
THEN I WILL EVER BE
IN SPACE.
PEOPLE CAN BUILD AN INCREDIBLY
SOPHISTICATED SPACE PROGRAM,
AND YET THEY CAN'T SOLVE
THEIR MOST BASIC PROBLEM--
HOW TO LOVE AND CARE
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THEM.
SOMEDAY WHEN PEOPLE
HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT,
THEY MIGHT BE MORE
THAN JUST MACHINES.
[APPLAUSE]
JESUS CHRIST!
THIS GUY COULD RUN
FOR PRESIDENT.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I JUST WANTED TO TELL
ULYSSES GOOD-BYE.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S VERY APPROPRIATE.
DO YOU?
NO.
PROBABLY NOT.
Man: MINUS 10...
9, 8, 7,
MAIN ENGINE START,
4, 3, 2, 1,
0...LIFTOFF!
THIS EVENING MARKED THE DAWN
OF A NEW ERA
IN SPACE TRAVEL.
AT 6:42 P.M.
EASTERN DAYLIGHT TIME,
THE ULYSSES ANDROID
WAS SUCCESSFULLY LAUNCHED
ON ITS SEVEN-YEAR MISSION
INTO DEEP SPACE.
IT WAS A NEAR-PERFECT LIFTOFF
VIEWED BY AN ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD
OF OVER 10,000,
MANY OF WHOM CARRIED
SIGNS AND BANNERS
WITH THEIR BEST WISHES
FOR THE CHARISMATIC ULYSSES,
WHO SO RECENTLY
HAS CAPTURED THE HEAR AND IMAGINATION OF THIS NATION.
CONGRESSMAN MARCUS,
WHO EARLIER THIS WEEK
MADE HEADLINES
WITH THE ANDROID,
WAS AMONG THE DIGNITARIES
AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE
YESTERDAY
TO BID ULYSSES A FAREWELL
AND BON VOYAGE.
THE LAUNCH
FROM PAD NUMBER 19...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WAS BROADCAST LIVE
VIA SATELLITE
TO OVER 60 COUNTRIES
THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
WE TAKE YOU NOW FOR
A SUMMARY OF TODAY'S LAUNCH
TO FLIGHT DIRECTOR
CHARLES KRAFTMAN
AT MISSION CONTROL.
WE WILL BE SPEAKING
DIRECTLY WITH ULYSSES
IN THE CAPSULE.
DR. PETERS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, GOD,
I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
[SOBBING]
WHAT...
JEFF, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I LOVE YOU.
ULYSSES?
MMHMM.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
[BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP]
OH, NO!
NO!
I'M SORRY, FRANKIE.
I ALWAYS SEEM
TO FALL APAR AT THE WRONG TIME.
THAT'S OK, ULYSSES.
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
THAT'S GOOD NEWS, HANK.
[BEEP]
Man: ULYSSES, HOW IS
THE MISSION GOING SO FAR?
[BEEP]
IT TRULY IS THE MOST EXCITING
THING IN THE WORLD.
[BEEP]
IS IT DIFFICULT FUNCTIONING
OUT THERE ALL ALONE?
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
NO.
YOU SEE, I'M NOT VERY GOOD
WITH PEOPLE.
IMAGINE ME AND YOU
I DO
I THINK ABOUT YOU
DAY AND NIGHT
IT'S ONLY RIGHT
TO THINK ABOU THE GIRL YOU LOVE
AND HOLD HER TIGHT
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
IF I SHOULD CALL YOU UP
INVEST A DIME
AND YOU SAY
YOU BELONG TO ME
AND EASE MY MIND
IMAGINE HOW THE WORLD
COULD BE
SO VERY FINE
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
I CAN'T SEE ME
LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU
FOR ALL MY LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME,
BABY, THE SKIES WILL BE BLUE
FOR ALL MY LIFE
ME AND YOU
AND YOU AND ME
NO MATTER HOW
THEY TOSS THE DICE
IT HAD TO BE
THE ONLY ONE
FOR ME IS YOU
AND YOU FOR ME
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
I CAN'T SEE ME
LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU
FOR ALL MY LIFE
WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME,
BABY, THE SKIES WILL BE BLUE
FOR ALL MY LIFE
ME AND YOU
AND YOU AND ME
NO MATTER HOW
THEY TOSS THE DICE
IT HAD TO BE
THE ONLY ONE
FOR ME IS YOU
AND YOU FOR ME
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
ME AND YOU
AND YOU AND ME
NO MATTER HOW
THEY TOSS THE DICE
IT HAD TO BE
THE ONLY ONE
FOR ME IS YOU
AND YOU FOR ME
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
AND HOW IS THE WEATHER?
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
WE'RE HAPPY TOGETHER
SO HAPPY TOGETHER
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
BA BA BA BA
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
MGM HOME ENTERTAINMEN CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL