Mad Families (2017)

Oh, shit.
Is this the...
Is this the right site?
Yes, honey.
It's site 16, like always.
- Yo, Tommy, what's going on?
- Will you call me "Dad"?
- Franklin?
- Yeah?
- Are you sure you booked this for us?
- Absolutely.
I booked the last available site.
I got the permit right here.
Site 16, July 4th weekend.
I just think that there's been a
little bit of a mix-up, Papi, so...
Buenos tardes, amigos!
Word, bitches.
- Who you calling a bitch?
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Just trying to break up the
racial tension here, that's all.
- Might have hit bitch a little hard.
- A little bit.
So what's going on? Pretty sure we
booked this site for the weekend.
- No, no. We're the Jones family.
- Yeah.
We booked site 16.
Well, now, we're the Jonas
family and this is our site.
- Son, we're site 16.
- No.
We're site 16.
You guys might be 116, but we're
definitely 16. It's here on the paper!
- Uno, dos, tres, quatro...
- Whoa, whoa!
That is level two, sweetheart,
that's nice. This is 16.
- I don't know how that is.
- We're 16.
Yeah, I know, but we're site 16.
- 16, man. Come on.
- Hold on. So...
Jones, Jonas, and our last name is
Jones, too. Well, there's the mix-up.
What y'all trying to say,
y'all our masters or something?
No, no, not saying...
I barely even own a cat.
- Site 16!
- Wait a minute!
2,000 and 3,000. But we're definitely
16. It says here on the paper.
Also site 16!
Okay, um, so,
it looks like the name "Jones"
kind of mixed up the computers.
And, uh, unfortunately,
that's a big problem,
because the park
is completely sold out.
I mean, this is, like,
our biggest weekend of the year.
Hey, maybe it's because
it's the 4th of July.
Um, yeah, well, you know,
we think that that's a factor.
Come on, you guys. Please, please,
please, let's not escalate this.
How about sharing the site?
Everyone stop!
Ron, you just gonna stand there and
let them push us around like that?
No, I won't let that happen.
Let me tell you something.
I'm gonna have Jesse Jackson
down here on a moped,
with Al Sharpton in the sidecar.
Okay? They love that type of shit.
- Ooh! It just escalated.
- Yeah.
That definitely escalated,
which was the exact opposite of
what he was hoping you would do.
Sir, if sharing the site
is the only option, then...
This weekend is important.
I say we all just share the site.
Uh, son,
are you out of your damn mind?
- Come on, Pop, there's kids here...
- We're not gonna share...
There's not...
There's not enough space!
Papi? Are we gonna
have to go home?
Okay. Okay, so... So...
Maybe we can share.
- Yes!
All right,
so we're all gonna share.
And it's gonna be great!
All right.
Little bit of a rough start,
but this weekend's gonna be great.
Yeah, I hope so.
It's the first time we've all been
together since you and I got married.
I just want your kids to like my
kids and my kids to like you.
There's no reason we can't be
one big, happy family.
- That speech sucked.
- Sucked balls.
Yeah, yeah, he's right.
It came off really whiny.
I can't believe
that we're brothers.
Hey, Gravy, why don't you take
these over to the campsite?
Oh, no, my hands are full.
I gotta go, I gotta...
Hey, Thomas,
did you unpack my turtle shells?
Yeah, here.
Can you call me "Dad"?
- Not right now.
Thanks, Tommy. Hey, guys,
check out my new turtle shells!
Give it time, honey.
Oh, do you think you can get Sharni
to stop calling me "Fake Mom"?
She doesn't call you
"Fake Mom."
Oh, you're doing that?
You're doing that?
- Yeah, no, no. I'll try.
- Thank you.
Man! Sharing this site
was a crap idea, Felipa.
We're doing this
for Papi's birthday.
Just try to hold it together
for him.
You think maybe we'll see Papi
smile for once in his damn life?
He works hard,
and he worries about us.
What, he can't worry and smile
at the same time?
Hey, I bet if your Papi ever did
smile, his face would creak.
Sound like a nail
being pulled from wood.
We'd probably hear his face go,
"Oilcan! Oilcan!"
Ha, ha, ha.
Maybe he would smile more
if you stopped goofing around
and went to work for Rolando.
As a plumber?
Uh, no, Felipa.
That's a living nightmare.
It's honest work.
Anyways, look,
it doesn't even matter.
I tell you, one day,
I'm gonna be a millionaire.
Oh! You gonna win the lottery?
Won't win if I don't scratch. Plus,
I'm gonna get my ass on "Shark Tank"
and make Mark Cuban
my new best friend.
Well, when you become
a millionaire,
maybe you could pay me back
the 75 bucks I loaned you.
You're gonna have to fill out all kinds
of paperwork and taxes and stuff.
Might not be worth it, bro,
so, probably not.
- Hey, did you leave the car open?
- I did.
Did you see Fake Mom
telling me how to unpack,
like she's the boss of me
or something?
Hey, babe, Sharni, you
shouldn't call her "Fake Mom."
I'm glad that Dad remarried.
He's much happier,
which keeps him off of my ass.
I think she's great for him.
Yeah, well, Fake Mom says
you drink too much, too.
Fake Mom can blow my balls.
She said that?
That's bullshit.
Is that a 24-hour
Popeye's Chicken?
Uh, no. That's a Porta Potty.
I love chickens.
More than you.
Ah, screw off.
Whoo! Y'all kids
keep it down over there
with your Pokemon Go
playing selves!
Girl, you so crazy.
Girl, I am so tired of running
around after the kids.
I need this vacation.
- It's beautiful here.
- It is, ain't it?
Honey, you gonna like
my brother Franklin.
All I got to say is,
is hold off on having kids
for as long as you can.
'Cause they will suck
the life out of you.
I mean, it's like sticking a vacuum
cleaner in a pumpkin, just...
- What'd you say, Mama?
- Just suck it all... Huh?
Baby, nothing. Mama loves you.
Go on. Go play.
Wait. Hold up.
Are you saying you invited me
as some kind of blind date
for Franklin?
Girl, no, no, no!
We enjoy your company.
- Oh, girl, 'cause I was about to...
- But it is a blind date.
- Hey, Jose, can you get those oranges?
- Are you kidding, Felipa?
Nothing can give the other
families the satisfaction
of watching a Mexican
carry a bag of oranges.
Like I'm selling them
on the side of the street.
Okay, are you serious?
God, you sound crazy.
Hey, excuse me! How much
do you want for those oranges?
- Ay, beat it, pendejo!
- Oh, crap. Angry.
Hey, Paco,
you got any roses over there?
Who asked you, Oprah?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll take that one.
Hey, what is that?
In your bag.
Yeah, that. What's...
Recycled. Glass sculpture.
My exhibit. It's next week.
- What? You have an exhibit?
- It's called...
"The Exhibit."
Oh, at least there's some chicas
calientes to stare at, huh?
Jose! What if Francesca
heard you say that?
She ain't here.
And we ain't married.
just 'cause I'm on a diet
doesn't mean
I can't look at the menu.
You mean stare at the menu?
Tuck dollar bills
into that menu?
I mean, come on! Man, she's got
so much wiggle in her walk,
she could butt-dial
a rotary phone.
I heard them talking.
I guess she came as a blind
date for that Franklin guy.
- Word?
- Word.
What? What'd you just say?
- Are you all right?
- No!
No, no, I'm not all right.
Listening to you two talk
would make anybody sick.
Men are idiots.
Blind date bullshit.
Don't let her call you that.
She's talking to you, too,
Is our sister
on her menopause or what?
Ah! The Jones family!
- Jones!
- Whoa!
Chilluns are everywhere.
Hey, I really hope you guys
like the park, man.
I don't know what happened
with this mix-up.
I know I booked
the last available site.
What changed your mind about
coming with us this year, huh, son?
I love camping.
All this is me, Pops.
Come on, Franklin. Come on, bro.
That's bullshit, okay?
I hope you know this is not online camping.
It's actually the real thing.
And I hope you know this won't
be a online fist in your face.
It'll be the real thing.
You know something?
I'm tired of your shit.
Ron Ron, stop it.
You leave your brother alone.
Sorry, Daddy.
He's gotta dress correct.
He's a District Attorney now.
And he's working his way up.
He might be Mayor one day.
Ah, I don't know
about Mayor, Pop.
And, this weekend, we have
a fine young woman with us.
- Who's Shantaysia?
- Listen, son.
Beautiful woman like that on your
side, no telling how far you can go.
From DA to Mayor.
You smell that?
There's romance in the air.
Y'all smell these potties? Damn!
- I smell something.
But I didn't wanna say nothing,
'cause I kinda thought it was...
Sorry, Daddy.
Is that Justin Bieber?
Is that guy naked?
- You wish.
Is that dumpster on fire?
Oh, my gosh.
Is that Charles Bronson?
What's in the bottle?
- So you're some creepy drunk priest?
I am not a priest.
Listen. Why don't you help Franklin...
- No!
Set some things up?
- I've gotta go till some soil.
- Pop!
Shantay... Sharon?
- Shantaysia.
- Damn, they still doing that?
That's fucked up. Here.
Come on, what the hell
kind of disease... Shantaysia.
Hey, bro, what are you doing?
You sleeping in your car?
Until Denali makes a tent.
Bro, you is not a real camper.
Huh? You can't fool me.
You might be able to fool Pops,
but you can't fool me, brother.
You're right.
I don't wanna fool you.
- Since I've known you...
- Ah, snake!
Snake! Snake on your shoulder!
Snake on your shoulder!
Is it invisible?
I don't see nothing!
Where is it?
- Ron Ron, I'm just...
Ron Ron, I'm just messing with you.
I'm just messing with you!
I'm just messing with you, dawg.
I just... I just... What?
I just, what, fooled you.
Get those flying bastards!
Chuckie, don't say "bastard."
- What about bitch?
- Yeah, that's not...
- Ass Slurpee?
- No. That... No.
- Ass waffle!
- Not great.
- Bitch taco?
- Don't love it.
- Shit Slurpee?
- No.
- Crap-talker.
- I don't... No.
- Ass-butch?
- Don't... Not a fan.
- You love tit chicken. Tell me that.
- No, I don't love that.
- I kinda like that.
- I don't love the word "tit."
- Come on now. Dick dog?
- Definitely not "dick."
- Ass lick?
- No.
- Slurpee?
- No.
- Shit Slurpee!
- No.
- What else you got?
- Bastards!
You know what, bastard's fine.
- It's... It's passable.
- Yeah.
Hey, everybody, look!
I made Ocho into a turtle dog!
It's the fifth Ninja Turtle,
Taco Bello.
Ha, ha, ha, yeah. It's totally funny,
man. Now take it off.
- I can't.
- It's super-glued.
Is that Tejano?
Now this is what
I'm talking about.
Jazz on the stereo, cozy fire.
Dad, look, no offense,
but this old-ass music make me wanna
put a gun to my head and shoot it!
Give me a sec.
- I'm gonna go get a gun.
- Ha! Good one, Pop.
- When?
- When?
When? When what?
- I don't even know.
- What?
No, no, no, no, no.
You said someday someone's gonna
have an intervention on you.
- I'm curious. When?
- She wasn't suppo... I mean, uh...
- What is she talking about?
- Wait, what?
I love that show, "Intervention."
- What is she talking about?
I'm camping with my son and my
daughter, we're having a good time.
The wieners...
- I don't even know where this is coming from.
- My brother's coherent, and...
- I love it here.
- This is fabulous.
- It's great.
Until I hear things
about interventions.
When might this intervention
be happening?
What is she talking about, dad?
Uh, son, uh...
When this wiener is done.
- When will it be done?
- Yeah, it will be done!
Well, let me just tell you
that interventions are not cool.
They sprung one
on a buddy of mine once
and I'm pretty sure he stabbed
a bunch of his mom's cats.
The vet probably had
a really good night that night,
wondering how all those cats
got stabbed.
One of these days,
I'm gonna be so rich,
I'll be able to rent
this whole damn park out.
Maybe then Papi will smile.
Oh, hey.
I just had my best
million-dollar idea yet.
It's a soft drink, but for dogs.
It's called "Pupsi."
- What?
- Pupsi!
- Pupsi?
Pepsi's not gonna let you
get away with that.
- What are they gonna do, sue me?
- Yeah. Out your ass.
That's a bad idea
called Pupsi
You fools have no vision.
Who made y'all the DJ
of site 16?
Turn that shit down, okay?
We're trying to hear
old-ass jazz over here.
Look at they fire, huh?
We got this little fire right here.
This doesn't make any sense.
What does it matter if their
fire is bigger than our fire?
- It don't matter...
- Thank you.
If it ain't true.
Hey, are their fires
bigger than ours?
You know, we need a bigger fire.
Get that lighter fluid.
Want some of this?
Hey, what you doing?
What's wrong with y'all?
What the hell is wrong
with you men?
Y'all trying to burn my babies?
- Tell 'em, baby.
- Oh, my God!
What is wrong with you guys?
Yell at them.
Yell at them a little bit.
- What the hell?
- Felipe!
Cool off!
My babies in there sleeping, you
know you got that from Vietnam.
Why would you burn that shit?
- Hey!
- The fire's still burning.
They started it.
- Okay, come on, really?
We had it under control.
The ice was under control.
Yeah, you can't fuel this fire!
What are you doing?
Go to bed!
Everybody go to bed.
- I was actually sleeping.
- Go to bed!
I was sleepy.
I was gonna go to bed.
I was thinking
it was time to go to bed.
This is bullshit!
Getting eaten alive!
Damn ants or mosquitoes
or whatever the hell you are.
Leave me alone!
There's gotta be
a 24-hour place in town.
Oh, my God.
What a fricking beginning.
What the hell was that?
Fricking pina...
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God!
What did you do?
- You scared the crap outta me!
- Oh, my goodness.
Okay, okay,
this is not what it looks like.
- You killed them both?
- No, no, no, no, no!
This piece of shit dumbass
hybrid makes no noise, and...
All right. You gotta help me
get them to a vet.
You drive and I'll give them
I mean, mouth-to-snout.
What the hell did
they do to Ocho?
Who would do such a thing?
- Them...
- Come on.
- Hey, man.
- Hey! What?
- What the heck did you do to our dog?
- Look!
Nobody do nothin' to your dog.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean do nothin'?
Oh, shit. Chaka!
- What did they do to you?
- What happened to my baby?
What did you'll try
to do to my baby?
Hey, man, we didn't touch
your dog. You busted ours.
- Yeah, we love dogs, man.
- Look at our dog.
If y'all didn't touch our dog
and we didn't touch your dog...
Wake up, white people.
Okay, all right, heh...
Just... Just hear me out.
I am so... sorry.
It was an accident.
I swear.
I just wanted some Benadryl.
- Crazy white man.
- What, man?
I have no idea.
Come on, man, what are you doing?
I want a freakin' refund or something.
They seem pretty worked up.
Yeah, if this turns
into a race war,
we'll be pulling out paperwork
for a decade.
You people...
This is the 4th of July.
This is the day we honor
how our great nation declared
its independence
from the king of England.
Do you happen to even know
how George Washington
celebrated his final victory
over the British at Yorktown?
That day great day, hmm?
He issued his troops,
a double ration of rum.
Here we are. We had...
fought this bitter war
against a tyrannical foe.
And, all we did to celebrate it,
is that we drank.
Four fingers of booze.
Instead of two.
That's about a martini
and a half.
In case you were wondering
what four fingers was.
Today... if a kid happens
to throw his poopy diaper
into the hamper, the parents,
they go ape-shit,
and they throw the kid a party,
and give him a PlayStation.
Gosh, he drinks like me.
I don't really see...
This issue between you people
as a problem.
I see it as an opportunity
to get away
from what the 4th of July
has become.
Which, let's face it, is just
a couple of days off work
for all the lazy people.
We have become a nation
of soft, puffy, pussy people.
And, we have forgotten
the sacrifice of those
who have come before us.
And, so, in my opinion,
whoever wants camping site 16...
you're gonna have to fuckin'
fight for it.
Wait a minute, you're talking
about cannons, muskets and shit?
- You're crazy.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, I am retiring in a week
and a half,
and I don't give a shit,
all right?
You don't have to use guns
and knives. Just...
Have a contest.
Have a contest.
Whatever family
wins the contest,
they get to kick the other two
families' asses outta the park.
How about that?
You get no cheese
with your wine around here.
So, if I were you, I would be
dedicated to gettin' it on.
Cause it's on.
This whole thing is a mess,
and we're sorry about it.
We were told to help out
with the contest, and...
It was the park's fault.
- Well, great.
Wow. It's really nice that
the pigs are being helpful.
- Pardon?
- Uh, no, nothing.
He just said that the cloud
up there looks like a pig.
No, I didn't. I said...
He, uh... He had a spider
on his zipper there.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, Gravy.
- He deserved that.
- Yeah, seriously.
So, we're doing
this contest thing?
Oh, yeah, we're doing this.
What's the matter, old man?
You scared?
Scared? No.
Just sad.
- Oh!
Sad for you
and all these other losers.
We're marking off an area
for you to play in.
Do not leave this area
for any reason.
What if we get hit by lightning?
Try not to.
What if we see
an ice cream truck?
- Try not to.
- Dad?
How long do we have to
stay here?
Just while the adults are off,
doing adult things.
Yes, I'm getting
a new baby brother.
Not those kind of adult things.
Okay, kids, have fun.
Hey, don't poke your eyes out.
Peace out.
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, you can usually find
all the right words
in the courtroom.
I thought bringing our families
together up here, would be...
our chance to, you know,
break the news.
You did this on purpose?
Yeah, kinda, a little bit.
I mean, it was easy
'cause our names are so similar.
Jones. Jonas.
I didn't expect
a white Jones family to show up.
Man, I screwed up everything.
It's my fault, I'm sorry.
- So, who is she?
- Who is who?
You know who I'm talking about.
Who, Fantasia?
I don't know that girl.
- Shantaysia, why is she here?
- I don't know her.
She's my dad's idea.
I don't... It's my first time
ever seeing her.
Stop. Come on.
You know I love you.
Anyway, look, I have a plan.
I'll make sure we win the race.
And, then, I'll convince my dad
to let you... your family stay,
and we'll get rid of
the white family.
They'll kick rocks.
What if your family doesn't win?
Stop smoking crack.
We're black, we're gonna win.
Mexicans are pretty athletic,
too. What about like...
Big Papi.
- He's Dominican.
Oh, y'all gonna lose bad.
Y'all gonna lose so bad.
Hey, guys, I think I hear
an ice cream truck.
Wait, but,
we can't leave this area.
Well, screw that,
it's ice cream.
Look at these people.
They're like vultures.
They're standing around watching
us fight among ourselves.
Don't think they're just
out here having fun?
This has gotten much bigger
than three mad-ass families.
- Bigger how?
- Oh, you think about it, bud.
International sports,
you root for your country.
School sports,
you root for your school.
These people are rooting
for their race.
- Oh, you don't know that.
- Okay. Truth or dare?
I'll answer a question,
if you answer a question.
- Okay.
- Truthfully.
- All right.
- All right.
Now, when you first
drove up here,
and you saw that
there were two families here.
Now, were you mad cause
there were two families here?
Or, were you mad cause
we weren't white?
Yeah, well, you know...
Truth be told
when I drove up here,
I was a little nervous.
But, that's because
I didn't know what to expect.
Well, I felt the same way.
And, that's textbook racism.
You can't say I'm racist just because
I didn't know what to expect.
I've had a lot of
great experiences with...
other races,
and some not so great.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.
You should know that...
our family isn't anything
like that at all.
In fact, I was a total wigger
back in high school.
I had my hair braided and everything.
You remember that?
Yeah, that was so cute.
What is a wigger?
It's just a term
for a kid that's...
trying to act tough
and sound cool.
Well, now, that's what it means.
What is it an acronym for?
- An acronym?
Yeah, like the word smog.
It's a combination of the words
smoke and fog.
That's an acronym.
What are the words that wigger
is an acronym for?
Well, that's easy.
It's a... It's a combination of,
a mash up, if you will,
of the words...
- White.
- And...
I mean, you know,
you guys get hit with...
- honky, hick, crackers...
- Hey!
- Peckerwood, redneck...
- Hey!
- White bastards, white devils.
- Hey!
But, the "N" word, that cuts
straight through the clutter.
Yeah, well, once you say that,
it's pretty much game over.
You're right.
- Good going, son. Well done.
- Happy to help.
But, I still don't agree with
you these people round here
are rooting for their own races.
- Hey!
We got this, baby.
Black and white's going down
like a knocked-out zebra.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
- I hear it, I hear it.
- Ice cream.
Ice cream!
- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- Hey, Franklin. All right.
You know, I love that look...
That gleam of victory
in your eyes.
Yeah, we about to win, Pop.
And, we gonna kick a family
up outta here.
Oh, yes. That's right.
You know... Where's Shantaysia?
You know that old Franklin here
was a track star in high school.
Shantaysia, come on.
One time, I ate 37 eggs
in six minutes, come on.
I mean that's impossible, you know.
You proud of me, Daddy?
You gonna brag about that?
Proud of you, son. Not as proud
as I am of Franklin here.
- What?
- That was a joke.
- He's messing with you.
- Shitty joke.
- I said Keko's titty is broke.
- Yeah, I thought you said that.
- Let's do this.
- Uh, you know what...
Y'all enjoy your pissing contest
but I'm outta here.
You wanna go?
- Yeah, I wanna go find Shantaysia.
- Keko!
- Felipa!
This is our contest pick
and it's called the Potty Carry.
That's right. One person
goes inside of each one
and the rest of us carry.
And, the winner is the one who
gets across that finish line first.
That finish line
is pretty far, man.
Dude, don't sweat it, man.
We totally got this.
Mexicans are gonna take
this hands down.
Hey, Papi.
Papi, we're about to start
the race, you gonna come cheer?
Does your dad ever smile?
- No.
- You mean, "Darth Valdez"?
Does he even know
what a smile is?
I bet you, he can't say
the word "Chuck E. Cheese."
Bet you his face makes him
stop at "Chuck."
He'd probably need a fake ID
just to buy a "Happy Meal."
- Wow. That's good.
- All right.
All right. That's pretty funny,
but, uh...
You know, he's still my dad,
so could you cut it out, please.
Well, you know, come on,
let's space these potties out,
and get the race started.
I mean, we're standing around...
Let me just drag this one.
Get outta the way, would ya?
So, I'll just take this one.
- Are you sure? These things are heavy.
Charlie, I've been a fireman
for years, you know.
I've rescued babies from windows
and fiery buildings, you know.
Come on, put this on my back.
- I guess.
- Come on, let's go.
This is... I can just...
I got this.
Charlie, get it off of me.
Get it off of me.
We got this. We got this, Dad.
Yeah, maybe we should slide it.
I don't like this.
I'm having a bad day.
I hate kids.
You ruined my life.
The main problem is
is getting this potty
over the ravine.
But, luckily,
Ron Ron got an idea.
All we need to do is swing
this potty by using rope.
We need to put the rope
through a hitch,
on top of the potty and, then,
toss the rope on branches.
And, then, we swing the potty
over the ravine.
Come on.
- That's a good idea.
We gotta get some rope.
- Oh, Daddy, look at this.
I already got it.
Taken care of.
- Look at that.
- Crap.
Guess I'm smarter
than Franklin now, right?
He's right, man.
Rope's gonna make it easier.
- Sharni, get a rope.
- Okay, got it.
- Dad.
- We're ready to go.
- We can't wait. Let's get started.
- Wait, wait.
- Wait, wait.
- Get on your marks,
get set, go!
- Wait, wait.
Oh, come on.
Uh-uh, keep dreamin'
Blondie, that rope is mine.
- No, I saw it first.
- Hello, open up.
We wanna borrow
your clothes line.
- This is kinda cute.
- Open up. We wanna borrow...
- your clothes line.
- Yeah, you know, keep knocking.
People love Mexicans
at their door.
Ha-ha, really funny,
"Blow White."
We'll see how much you laugh
when the rope is mine.
Hey, what are you doing
up there?
- Getting this damn clothes line.
- Oh, shit.
I don't know.
- Come this way.
- What the hell was that?
Hey, where did everybody go?
Ron Ron?
Did we win?
Come on, come on.
What happened?
- He has a TV antenna stuck in him.
- We need to take him to a hospital.
- All right, let's use my car.
Wait, we're gonna get him in that?
- What in the hell are you doing?
- Bactine. It stings like a bitch, but...
No! No more,
you fucking idiot.
Everybody, stop!
Do you get the NFL package?
We're not gonna
get him in that pussy car.
Let's get him in Franklin's car.
- I'm right here.
- Come on.
You got it. You got it.
- Put him inside.
- There you go.
Let's give him a push.
- All right.
- One, two...
- No...
- That went horribly wrong.
- Yeah, hang tight.
Okay, okay. Let's go.
Come on. Vamanos.
So, are you doing
number one or number two?
- What? Go get an adult.
- You look like a pinata.
And you look the first
person's ass I'm gonna beat
if you don't go
and get an adult.
I didn't say you were one,
I said you looked like one.
Oh, I'mma beat you so bad
and you're not even my kid.
Woah, take it easy, perv.
I thought you kids were on lock down.
How did you get outta your area?
You didn't answer me.
Number one or number two?
Why you wanna know?
Chuckie, that's nasty.
Get an adult, I could die.
- No, no. - Okay, yeah.
Please, this is not a drill.
This is a "code red."
You know a "code red"...
Oh, y'all went to public school.
Y'all know nothing.
Oh, my God. I hate kids.
And, I hate camping.
- Hey guys, quick.
- Come say hi to Mom. Come on.
- Hey, Mom.
- Cheese.
Yo. Yep, I'm good.
Yo, I got lucky.
It was tough, but I'm good.
Doctor said my love handles
are like a teenager's.
Yeah, don't worry about it. Just
gonna be here by myself, you know.
No family to talk to.
Something to think about, Mijo.
- Okay.
- Aunt Felipa, I can't move.
Yes, but you're safe.
Have fun.
- Mind if I sit?
- Sure.
- It's a pretty mantis.
- I'm gonna kill him.
You know,
the kids don't see race.
It's true. Seems they learn it
from the adults.
Kids can be a handful, man.
I used to think that
I wanted a bunch of them,
but after this weekend, I think
I'm just gonna get another cat.
Hey where is it?
- It's right there, it's just moving.
- Now, that's a...
- It's a praying...
It's just a gross bug.
Just put it down.
Oh, you know, I've actually
been meaning to tell you,
that I really like your hair.
Thanks, I do it myself.
- Really?
- I have my own salon.
That's super cool.
Didn't I hear Charlie saying
that he has his own salon, too.
Not a salon, a saloon.
I drove with him to
the vet the other night.
He had a dog under each arm,
giving them both mouth-to-mouth.
He's got a lot of heart.
Yeah, and dog breath,
sounds like.
Did any of the dogs get
a contact drunk?
Yeah, I think the dogs
were wondering
why I kept checking their IDs.
You know, he's a good guy.
- Yeah, and cute too, right?
- Yeah, he is kinda cute.
- Yeah.
- Super cute. Like I would.
- I think I would, too.
Seriously, he's a bit of a charmer
and girls love bad boys.
I think he knows he has a problem.
I don't drink. I never have, but...
My dad was an alcoholic,
so, I know the signs.
- I really wanna kill it.
- Just kill it.
No, it's one of God's
creatures, don't kill it.
Right? Don't kill it.
So, how about you? Do you work
at the courthouse back in the city?
- Yeah, I'm a stenographer.
- Franklin works in the DA's office.
- Does he?
- Yeah.
Do you ever see him around there?
Uh... Now that you...
I think I have. Mm-hmm.
Not that often.
You know, I've been meaning
to tell you, I'm not here to...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Should I buy a tabby
or a Siamese cat?
Okay, cabrones. Our pick.
The eating contest.
- Yeah, but not food...
- Habaneros, baby.
Hot peppers, bro.
You gotta eat as many
as you can in three minutes.
And Habaneros...
Habaneros are the Devil's food.
- They can't be that bad.
- Oh, you're about to find out.
Can I eat for the family?
Yeah, Gravy, you can eat
for the family for sure.
'Cause Habaneros are organic,
and I do non-pharmaceuticals
really well.
Yeah. Like, one time
I got lost in the desert.
I had to eat 67 mushrooms to survive.
- Caps and stems?
- The whole thing.
I hallucinated for 15 days.
- My diarrhea tasted like honey.
- Ugh!
That's beautiful, Gravy.
- That's your son-in-law?
- Yep. Uh...
- Your brother-in-law?
- Yes, my brother-in-law.
- That's your brother.
- In-law.
You said that like you might
have seen him naked or something.
- All right, fool, I got this.
- No, clown, I love Habaneros.
Who you calling a clown? I can eat
so many more Habaneros than you!
- You, papi?
- What, he's...
- resurrected.
- It's like it's Easter or something.
I've been eating Habaneros for
65 years. I will win for the familia.
Mira. This is what
I have been whittling. Huh?
For cervezas.
Ocho is now
an official St. Bernardo.
- Papi made a joke.
- Yeah.
Habaneros are nothing to Mexicans.
We put hot sauce
on our hot sauce.
- He made another joke.
- That's awesome.
I'm ready. Let's do this.
All right, pendejos,
the timer is set.
Three, two, one, go!
There's something going
on in my fucking mouth.
Do men... Do you think
men ever get like
a POV of themselves
and just go...
"We're really stupid"?
May the Devil use
your backbone as a trellis,
to pick apples in Hell.
To you, Mr. DiMaggio,
and to you, Dr. Freud.
If you don't know where you're going,
there are plenty of roads.
Okay. So, she's
not just crazy beautiful,
she's actually smart enough
to see right through me.
You need to look past
the train-wreck he is
and see the man that was crying when he
thought the doggies wouldn't make it.
Okay, that's a turnoff. May I just say
I'm not usually the crying type.
I thought it was sweet, you know,
you crying like a little sissy.
I cried, because when I was
giving them mouth to snout,
Ocho slipped me some tongue.
I- I-I-I-I can still taste the,
ugh, the lamb and carrots.
Okay, okay. Let's... Let's recap.
I know I come off like a...
Like a bit of a tough guy,
but I do cry when I see
that doggies are hurt,
and you're half naked...
I'm sorry about that.
Are you?
Oh, shit.
Don't move.
That's a coral snake.
You'll be totally safe if you
stand there, just like that,
back lit by the sun,
looking perfect.
Damn it! You moved!
Now you look awful.
You went from looking
like a goddess, to a...
To a favela in a bikini.
What are we gonna do?
If we meld as one,
it'll see us as a much
larger and greater threat,
and then slither
away sheepishly.
So, this is us... melding.
- Here we go.
- Whoa, whoa.
In chapter seven in one of the most
brilliant novels I've ever read,
the main character finds
a coral snake in a barn.
Roger tells her, "Red over yellow kills
a fellow. Red over black, venom lack."
So our little friend
over there isn't poisonous.
Wow. You read my novel?
So I guess you know what a...
What a cliche I am.
Oh, a writer who drinks.
You forgot to mention "tortured."
And I left out
"scared and insecure."
Aha! Well, perhaps that
is why I drink.
But we never see you drink,
because we're always distracted by the
things you're pointing to, you know?
Justin Bieber, dumpster fires,
twenty-four hour Popeye's Chicken...
The really tall midget
enlightened trucker...
Silent bagpipes,
Pete Best, Blockbuster Video.
The cast of "Breakfast Club,"
and one of my favorites,
"That cloud looks
like a drag queen."
Let me see
if I got this straight.
You wrote one novel,
got lots of critical praise,
then you're finished?
What happened?
Wait a second.
Is that Charlie Jones
over there?
Behind that empty typewriter?
Frozen, hammered...
- Alone...
- No, it isn't.
I guess if my head was
filled with that kind of crap,
I'd probably drink, too.
But I don't.
So good luck with your travels.
Wait. What if I...
What if... I didn't drink?
I guess we'll never know.
But I do know you are
a brilliant writer.
I swear, that was not me peeing.
Last one to drop their
hand off the car wins.
Uncle Gravy saw some
bad boys right over there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you gotta be real careful.
They got 10,000 eyes.
- Kind of like my ex-wife.
- Are you gonna do it?
It's been a long time.
I'm scared.
Do it. You won't. No balls.
No balls?
I got him! I got him!
I gotcha! You're gonna...
Oh, yeah.
I need one of your hairs.
You're ready for your little leash?
Que Paso, little flower? Yes?
Dad, what's sex?
Have fun with that one, Dad.
Listen up. He's got a lot
of good advice.
Yeah, Felipa.
Thank you very much.
- What's sex? Huh? Tell her, Dad.
- Let's hear it.
Excuse me. Thank you.
Um... Uh...
Sex is like, like... It's...
It's when you hug someone.
- Come on, brother, that's it?
- Hug real tight.
So, wait. So I've had
sex with my grandpa.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Okay. Well, I...
I guess you're old enough.
Sex is when Mommy and Daddy...
uh, hug.
And we don't have any clothes on.
Well, you better get
naked and start hugging,
'cause they said dinner
will be ready in two secs.
Yes! Yes!
Dinner will be ready in two secs!
He's my son and I love him, but...
You know,
you hate to see 'em struggle.
This thing that he's struggling with,
has this, uh...
Has this got anything to do
with why he's not married
and not settled down?
Well, hopefully he'll figure it out.
We got a guy coming up
that's gonna help with that.
I get it.
- You do?
- Yeah. Hey, it's fine.
I mean, every family has got
someone who is... different.
I mean, and you're fine with it, right?
You've probably seen a lot of stuff.
I used to be a fireman.
Drinking got the best of me.
I couldn't control it, so...
they fired me.
Tried the Bible.
Jim Beam vs. John 3:10.
- That didn't work out.
- Jim Beam won?
Yeah. I went to AA.
Let go and let God...
I'm keeping
my side of the street clean.
You know, as a parent
I made mistakes, too.
I mean, I know it
really bothers Ron Ron,
the way I focus in
on Franklin's potential.
But Ron Ron...
He's... He's special.
You know, a couple of
old school guys like you and me...
gotta learn it's a new world
out there, man. New rules.
- Charlie's gonna be all right.
- Yeah.
And I mean, things... Things are a lot
easier nowadays for guys like him.
I'll be right back.
- It's like a little fly kite.
- He looks like a real goer.
Watch what I do next here.
Okay, big guy.
Time to go to work.
Going somewhere with all
those bells and smells on?
- Uh, I was just about to...
- I know where you're going.
- You do?
- Yep.
And I think you two
make a great pair.
- You do?
- Yes! I even like the ring of her name.
- Shantaysia.
- Fe...
Shan... Shantaysia? Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
Now, look, I know what you're gonna
say. I know I push a little hard.
But it's because you got
so much promise,
and I just want you to deliver on it.
See, back in the day,
when I was coming up your age...
And the time...
I never would have dreamed I'd have a son
that's on the verge of running a city.
I just want to say to you, son...
I'm proud of you.
- Oh, Pop.
- Real proud.
- Oh, Pop. Thanks, man.
Now you go ahead on
for your walk.
And don't make her late.
No son of mine
is gonna take longer
than a woman to get ready.
Oh, come on, man.
You sound like an episode
of "Sanford and Son."
Ah! Romance is in the hizzouse.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, Shay-Shay.
- Hey. Have a nice walk.
Uh... Then where is he
going all dressed up?
- Who isn't here?
- Hey, Charlie, where are you?
Charlie and Franklin?
Oh, Lord.
Oh, hey. You're here.
How you doing?
- I'm good.
- Funny seeing you here.
- Not really.
- Uh, just...
Well, being that I'm here,
you're here,
I thought we could talk
about this whole...
- Fake Mom thing.
- What about it?
Maybe, well... Not that I thought
about it a lot, but I did...
jot down some alts,
as you kids like to say.
- I've never said that.
- You don't say "alts" for...
- You wrote all of that?
- Yeah, just a few, um...
Just a few alternatives
to "Fake Mom."
Not that I don't love it.
But I just thought, why not...
Trophy Mom? I could be
like a Trophy Mom, you know?
I always wanted...
- No. No.
No? Okay, not great.
Okay. How about, um...
Mom Again?
You know what I mean?
Like, when you call me,
you'll be like, "Mom Again!"
- No. Fake Mom.
- Okay. How about "This Mom"?
This Mom. This Mom.
You know what I mean?
- Who would say any of this?
- Probably nobody.
How about "Other Mom"?
"Cute Mom"?
- Cute? Cute Mom?
- "Mom Mom"?
Okay, "Mom Mom."
Mom Mom is cute.
- Right? You'll be like, "Mom Mom!"
- What am I, two years old?
'Cause it wouldn't be like
your first mom...
I have my real mom...
And then I have you.
- Right and I would never wanna...
- And you are my fake mom.
And you need to
stop trying to act...
Take the place of her.
Yeah, I would never.
- Well, you're trying to.
- No, I don't. I wouldn't...
I think this has been
a productive talk.
All right, well...
Um, do you want me to
button up your shirt?
No. Okay. It's supposed
to be like that. Okay. All right.
My family may not win this.
Which means my plans get flushed.
You've got to tell your dad.
We both do. I can't keep lying.
I don't know. My dad is crazy. It's
like he wants me to be Mayor someday,
- so it's... You know?
- Yeah.
And you can't do that with
a Mexican woman by your side.
What? I didn't say that.
I mean, why did you...
Look, Franklin... I'm glad that
you worry about your father.
I worry about my father, too.
They want so much for us, even though
sometimes it's misguided.
But I think that we've been
fooling ourselves
- hoping that this will work.
- What are you talking about?
We were going to lean
on each other, but maybe we can't.
And it's better that
we learned it now,
before we commit to something
that isn't gonna work.
Felipa, what are you saying?
Making it easier on both of us.
Felipa, what are you doing?
Fuck! Fuck!
Ron Ron, I told you to knock that off.
You're gonna mess around and put
a hole in the back of your neck.
So you're just
telling me stuff, huh?
- You told me?
- Yeah, I told you.
- You told me?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Oh, that's it, Ron Ron.
Wear those pants, brother.
That way it'll tell your wife
who's the boss, brother.
You know something?
Watch this. Ahem!
Keko, check this out.
I'm in this contest where
I keep my hand on this damn car,
so I can win it for the family.
I'm a little thirsty now.
I want you to go get me one
of those beers, open the top,
and put the beer on my lips
and pour it in my mouth.
- Now!
- Bullshit!
Do I look like somebody
who's gonna pop a beer,
put it on your lips and
pour it down your throat?
- Never mind, baby.
- Wow! What a beautiful thing.
I mean, look.
Every creed, race, and creed
just hanging loose. It's...
I wanna give a speech.
So, you gonna make that
speech, hopper, or what?
Well, I gotta write
something down first.
- That man is out of his mind.
- He's a lunatic, man.
- What's up, guys?
- What's up, Charlie?
- You smell what I'm stepping in?
- You smell of something, brother.
- Yeah, the kids used to say that.
- What kids used to say that?
- I heard a couple of kids say it.
- Oh, hey Charlie, man.
I see your hybrid's got all the latest
gadgets, man, that's pretty cool.
It's like...
It's like "Star Trek."
You got one of those special
force fields. What do they call it?
Pussy Deflector.
- Charlie, where were you?
- I was in the lake, washing up.
Oh, yeah? Did you wash
behind your ears, fool?
Did you wash
behind your ears?
Wash behind the ears
Why don't you shut
The fuck up?
You know, Jose,
maybe you should try washing.
I mean, even your tent
has skid marks.
And don't be too stingy
with the Lever 2000.
Maybe you should call them and
see if they got a Lever 10000.
What are you talking about, man?
That's pheromones. The chicks dig that.
Jose does smell. You got that right.
Hey, pass me that bullhorn.
Hey, y'all.
Jose BO smell so bad,
he need the Right
and the Left Guard.
You get it? 'Cause it's the Right
Guard, that's what it's called.
And he smells, so he
needs both sides of it,
- 'cause it's the left...
- Yeah, they got it.
They didn't like that one? Okay,
I got another one for you.
What is the flattest surface
that you could iron anything on?
A white girl's ass.
Hey! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Check out this
masterpiece of assery.
Oh, yeah.
Mind if I do a little tucking?
I don't know.
It looks pretty flat to me.
Although, wait a minute.
Maybe this is a bad angle.
You check it out.
We got a challenger on the
plane, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, my bad. I was wrong. You're right.
Okay, I'll concede the point.
Oh, I got one, I got one.
Right, uh...
Okay, y'all. What's nine
inches long and white? Huh?
Anybody? Anybody?
Not a damn thing!
Oh, really?
Really? I call bullshit.
Check out this masterpiece
of dickery.
All right, fine, fine, fine.
Give me that horn.
And now Charlie has taken the
bullhorn, ladies and gentlemen.
This competition is heating up.
Let's see what he's got.
Did you hear about the black and Mexican
guy that opened a restaurant together?
It's called "Nacho Mama."
Oh, hey, what happens when
a white guy with a boner
- walks into a wall?
- What?
He breaks his nose.
Franklin, he takes the bullhorn.
All right.
Why do white people love hockey?
- Why is that?
- Because if they can't be a cop,
that's the only chance they get
to beat something black.
Oh, in your face!
What do you call
a black man in a suit?
The defendant.
I got one, I got one, you
guys, wait for this. Ready?
Oh, ladies and gentleman,
looks like the pole dancer
wants to enter the competition. She's
teeing it up, let's see what she's got.
What do you call a black...
Ooh, and Daisy Duke's got nothing.
Fuck this shit.
Well, there's
some good news and bad news.
While she had
the bullhorn, ratings spiked,
but the bad news
is everybody's IQ went down.
Okay, all right, all right.
I got one for you.
Hey! What do white women
make for dinner?
Oh, no, and ladies
and gentlemen,
the park rangers are getting
involved in the competition.
And either
this brother is color blind
or he is flat-out
helping the wrong family.
- You sure about that?
- They'll love it.
When a black
and a Mexican are in a car,
- who's driving?
- Who?
The cop.
Yeah, okay, brother, don't...
Check on out, okay, thank you.
Yeah, you can go on
and clock out. Thank you.
And now,
Franklin takes the bullhorn.
Let's see if he can pull
one out for his team.
All right, uh... why do
white folks have so many pets?
'Cause they can't
own people anymore.
Boom! Drop the bull horn.
That's right.
- Hey! Ya, ya, ya!
- Ya!
Hey, hey, hey!
What's going on, everybody?
My name is Johnny Jon-John.
I'll be running the intervention.
And it is for Charlie Jones,
is there a a Charlie Jones?
- No, no, not now.
An intervention for me?
No, no, no. You can go now.
We don't need you. We're fine.
I should have seen you a mile away.
Yes, sir, let's get right to it.
Anyone want to speak
up about this joker?
Okay. I'll go.
All right, uh...
this is an intervention.
10th one's free. Another joke we do.
I like to lighten the mood a little bit
when someone is heading into the grave.
Your family put together a list of
things you've done while... drunk.
- They put together a list?
- Yeah, that's...
that's how it works.
- Give us the short list.
Let's see, boo...
you burned down a farm,
with a barn and three cows?
- They were goats.
- Oh, they were goats.
Only goats, oh.
Well, that's cool.
He's a great guy.
For he's a jolly...
No, you're horrible. I'm kidding again.
Oh, it keeps going.
You got drunk at a carnival
and you shot a fireman?
- He was off duty.
And a bit shifty.
- Oh.
Okay, off duty and shifty.
- He was shifty.
Sounds to me
like you're enabling.
Oh, that's a pretty big word for
something that I'm... not really doing.
- You unbolted the Ferris wheel too?
- It's a wheel, so it could roam away.
To give it a head start
for the next town.
- Hello?
- Shaved a librarian's head?
She may have had lice.
All right, and you pushed your
cousin Bobby down some stairs.
He had lice, right.
He's got the RID and the comb.
All right, you did him a favor.
Did you shoot 72 bottle rockets
at your old high school?
Let's just say
that I enhanced its curb appeal.
And most of them were duds.
- Over 50%?
Holy shit, what am I doing here?
What a waste of my time.
This guy seems fine to me. You single?
I am, but now
that you mention it,
I was... but a few hours ago,
I'm... now I'm not...
Not... no.
- Final answer?
- Final answer.
I wasn't even talking to you.
I was talking to her.
- Me? Holy God.
- Sounds like a no, um...
You know what?
This, this, this, whole event...
can, can, can "mange" my taint.
I don't need this,
this, this intervention.
Well, I fucking don't need it either.
All right, I'm outy like five thouty.
Anybody need weed,
holler at your boy.
It's nice out here! I'm joking.
This place is fun
if I was the Zika virus.
- What the hell was that all about?
- Look, son, we didn't mean to.
Took my hand off the car.
Oh, yeah, so now it's
just me and Mr. Jonas.
Oh, no,
Papi's going to swat the fly.
Papi, Papi, Papi, wait!
- Dad.
- You let go of the door, Pops.
I won! I won! I won, I won!
We won! Oh, my Gosh!
Well, we won...
But it was kind of fun the way it
turned out. Why doesn't everybody stay?
I agree! Let's just everybody stay
and enjoy the weekend.
All right, we'll stay.
But you gotta be able to keep
a leash on your son Charlie.
- What!
- Wait, wait, wait...
What the hell did that just mean?
Madonna, some pendejo tried
to pin a mosq on my shirt...
With a blonde hair.
The whites cheated!
Hey, I mean, come on, now...
the whites cheated
and now Charlie
is after my son Franklin.
- What?
- What?
- Pop, what are you talking about?
- Come on, now, Franklin.
I mean, you should have
told me that you were gay.
I mean, is that why you...
don't want to run for Mayor?
Are you kidding... I'm not gay.
And if I was gay, I could get
way better than Charlie.
You think I'm after Franklin?
- And a drunk!
- Okay, okay...
you might have me
on the drunk thing but...
you're out of your mind.
Everybody knows that.
Franklin's in love with Felipa.
- What?
- What?
Oh, Charlie.
Even me, the huge drunk could
tell 14 seconds after I got here.
And you still don't see it?
- Felipa?
Es la verdad?
Papi, I've been meaning to tell you.
Yes, okay? Franklin and I
have been dating for over a year.
- What?
- What?
You need to keep your son
away from my daughter.
Aye, no, no. You ain't calling
no shots in my family, El Chapo.
- Oh, well, Pop, calm down.
- No! And you, I can't believe this, son.
You've been sneaking around
with her behind my back,
and lying and...
standing up Shantaysia
who is hot to trot.
Wow, hot to trot isn't accurate.
Okay, fine.
I came up here because
we all needed to get together.
I love Felipa. That is my girl.
That is why we are all here.
I don't know where the
white family came from,
but that's why
our families are here.
We planned it.
But you know what I hate?
- Camping is what I hate.
- I knew it, I fucking knew it.
You are not perfect, brother.
You don't want to be a camper.
Franklin's not perfect
He is a dumbass
He fuck with Felipa
I fucking knew it
And I thought he was gay too
This camping can jump up my ass.
These "Jurassic Park" mosquitoes
can jump up my ass.
Sleeping in my car at night, waiting
for somebody to come and kill me...
Can jump up your ass.
- Exactly.
- All this can jump up my ass.
- Well, if you're going to act that way,
- why did we say we'd like to stay?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...
- Let us stay?
- The whites cheated.
And we're going to win this
contest and kick you out.
Yeah, man, the hell
with all you guys.
Final contest.
Winner or go home.
- Let's get it on.
- Let's get it on.
Let's vamos.
- Let's do this.
- Huh.
- Go this way.
- It's game over,
tacos and Schlitz.
Hey, hey, gather around here,
I'm Peter Galkie, and I'm...
one of the original spectators, so I think
I'm probably most qualified to describe
what we're about
to witness here.
This obstacle course race
is two miles total,
give or take a mile or two.
And, uh, it's through the woods,
and then you gotta get past that lake
and then make it up
to that clearing way up there
'cause that's where
the finish line's at.
So, what do you say
we all just sit back here,
and let's enjoy the show.
Y'all ready for this? Let's do this!
Okay, everybody, here are the rules.
- Rules?
No rules! Ready set, go!
Hey! You got dirt on my shoes.
I want to stay.
Yeah, why do parents always
have to ruin everything?
I don't want to go.
- Me either.
Wait, I have an idea.
Rolie, you still have that map?
Does the bear shit in the woods?
- Yes, young man, it does.
- Ew!
- He's gross.
- He smokes too much weed.
One time he got so baked, he tried
to take his pants off over his head.
- What?
- It's an old Woody Allen joke.
Okay, so you see this ridge here.
It horseshoes around this mountain.
And if we cut across here,
then we're there.
The plan only works if we can
get to the finish line first.
- Think we can get there first?
- Hell, yeah, first is my middle name.
- It is?
- No, sweetie, it's Olivia.
All right, let's do this. On three...
One, two, three, break!
Let's go!
And the black Jones family...
is in the lead.
- You're killing it, Dad.
- Get your arms down there.
Get away from me!
Look, Pop,
I just want to say I'm sorry.
No talking, just winning.
I'm not sorry-sorry,
but I'm sorry.
- You can't keep up, can ya?
- Look, you're the one out of shape.
I'm not out of shape,
I could go for hours.
Hey. Wait...
Is that a snake?
- Where?
Right there.
Oh, shit, that ain't
no damn snake.
You know your scream
was kind of a...
hoo hoo, you know.
- You need to man up, you know.
- Man up on this!
I should have told my family.
Well, I don't know what happened.
We just... fell in love.
- Yeah.
- My dad's so furious.
Well, girl, your dad
be overreacting, if you ask me.
I mean, it's not a bad thing,
it's kind of a good thing.
I mean, I was in shock.
I was like, "What?"
I was clutching my purse like
I was watching "Days of Our Lives".
Did not see that coming!
But... it's a good thing.
- Yeah.
Y'all might make
some little Obamas,
or something,
little Baracks up in here.
Girl, all I can say is I think your
dad's acting like a big old kid.
Right. Surprise, surprise, all
the men are acting like children.
And speaking of children...
I cannot hear mine. It's like...
- Yeah, that is weird.
- They real quiet, like when I put
a little bit of Benadryl
in their Cap'n Crunch.
You know they get
real quiet then.
What? I wouldn't really drug
my babies, that's a joke.
Okay, okay, I was like...
Just a little bit, for a minute.
- Chuckie!
- Rolie!
- Chuckie!
- They're not there. We should go.
- Let's go see.
- Let's try to parent.
Oh, my God!
Really? Seriously?
You think they're going to shoot
dollar bills at you with a t-shirt gun?
No, this is a public service.
I do this for charity.
Not dollar bills. You drunk!
All right, nothing to see here.
Head down the trail, down the trail.
We've got a race to run.
Come on, sweetie.
Okay, I'm open.
Come on, let's go.
Come on!
- Wait for me.
And the bombs of war
will make you bleed
When the hugs of love
Are all you need
Hello, buddy!
You want to sing the chorus?
The hugs of love
Are all you need
The hugs of love
I'm gonna get you!
You slimy little bastard!
Do you see them yet?
Don't see them,
but I think I hear them.
Hold on! Hold on!
Wait, wait, wait, stop!
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- Hear what?
- What is that sound?
- Oh, shit!
Well, maybe it's a bear
or, or even worse, a monster!
Oh, damn, what's behind those bushes?
Oh, what beast
is coming towards us!
Who are you! What are you!
Show yourself!
Oh, shit, worse than I thought.
Just kidding, baby.
We're looking
for the kids, they ran off.
Is this some kind of joke,
'cause we're going to win?
Oh, really, I'm just curious,
on what planet might that be true?
I don't even know
how you got in the lead.
No, really, uh, uh...
Shan... Shantay... what?
- Shantaysia.
- Oh, Shantaysia.
- Can't get it right?
No, I thought it was Shantay...
Anyway, she...
said something about the kids...
and a finish line.
- Wow! Is that a bat?
- Really?
Oh, Charlie.
- Is that another bat?
- I thought you were going to quit.
No, no, no, wait, it that...
Is that three bats?
I guess we'll never know
what we could've been.
No, no, no, no booze, no bottle.
Five, five, five... five bats.
- Oh, my God. Seriously!
- No, no, no, I'm serious.
We can't stop. They say
bats get stuck in your hair.
No, no, no. That's a myth.
Total urban legend.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh!
- What?
- There's a bat on your head!
Guys, guys, guys, come
on, I'm not a moron.
Clearly there's no bat on my head.
- How drunk are you?
- Irrelevant.
I promise you, son,
there's a bat in your hair.
Come on, Charlie!
You don't feel that?
Get it off! Get it off!
Throw rocks at it,
everybody, throw rocks at it.
- Enough with the damn rocks.
- Hit it with the bug racket!
Not my head, not my head!
- Look, the kids!
- The finish line!
Oh, hey, thanks everybody!
Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good.
There was nothing about that...
that I liked!
- You kids did this?
- Yeah! We don't want to go home.
Us kids get along, how come
you adults can't get along?
Well, wow.
This is some muddy bullshit.
But I'm damn impressed.
Yeah, but who's
going to get a whooping first?
Kids! Not bad. You dug a hole,
you filled it with mud and...
made it look like the trail.
And you caught yourselves
a bunch of dumbass men.
You know what's funny?
Everyone covered in mud like this,
you just can't tell anybody apart.
There's a lesson in that.
A big obvious, freaking lesson.
So, being that you can't
tell anybody apart...
the bottom line is this...
are you an asshole or not?
- Choose wisely.
- So, let's not be assholes.
And let's all just...
get along.
In the words of Rodney King, girl.
La raza!
- What does that mean, baby?
- Just a Latin bonding.
Got it.
Hey, that was a really
really nice speech, Fake Mom.
Oh, well, that's...
still doing the Fake Mom
stuff right after the...
You called me by my name!
I'm so touched by the... You know,
I've always felt that we had...
Okay, don't hit on 16,
got it, don't hit on 16.
They said that tomato juice
can get rid of skunk stink.
- I hear the ice cream truck!
- Oh, that's beautiful, Gravy.
Hold up, hold up.
Hey, hey, hey.
Something's wrong with my knee.
- Look, you're my brother, okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Listen to me, I'm talking to you.
- Yes!
Okay, and I love you, man.
And someday you are going
to be married, bro.
Because if anybody
can do it, you can.
- You think so?
- I think what he's trying to say, Pop...
It's time to propose.
You know, to Charlie.
Felipa's going
to get proposed to
Felipa's going to get
proposed to
You're next!
Well, Franklin,
you're down on one knee,
I think you better
handle your business.
Felipa... just follow your heart.
What is this...
are you'll for real?
Oh... oh!
- Do it, Franklin.
- Wow!
Do it, Franklin.
- Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- You will?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes!
- Oh!
- Yes!
Felipa! We need help!
I got you! I got you!
We're getting married!
- Excuse me. Hello.
- Hi. Hi. Hi.
- Everybody.
- I just want to say...
another 4th of July...
here we are again, I'm just so
happy that we can all make it.
Yes. All right. Yeah!
Too bad Gravy couldn't make it.
What? Am I supposed
to be somewhere?
Just kidding, bro.
You're here. It's now.
We're joking, Gravy.
Um, hi, I'm Charlie
and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Charlie.
I'm sorry, wrong group.
Oh, check out this bad boy.
Six months sober.
Look who the good
influence is over here.
It just looks like
a poker chip painted green.
Looks like a blue condom.
Uh-uh. No. That is an IUD.
That's what that is.
Oh, gosh,
I hope you washed it, man.
- Baby, no. It's just an onion ring.
- An onion ring?
Yeah. You know, like from Mars.
You know, Mars has...
- Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?
- Good food, no atmosphere.
Hey, you're getting the hang
of these jokes, Gravy.
I have a sobriety chip, too.
- Oh, there we go.
- See this? Yup.
Lord, grant me the serenity
to accept what I cannot change
and the courage
to change what I can,
and the wisdom
to know the difference.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
Maybe he could grant you the ability to
change a light bulb in the house, right?
- Or put the toilet seat down?
- Go, Trophy Mom.
Mmm-hmm. I know exactly
what you talking about.
You wake up at 3:00
in the morning to go to pee
and then it's like you've fallen into a
hammock. Booty and everything, all wet.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, and it looks
like the attitudes are heating up.
Bring out the bullhorns, it is
time to go at it one more time.
Round two, one year later.
Felipa, go ahead
and show us that ring.
Oh, yes, it's so heavy.
- Sorry.
- Okay, hun. Well, you know...
Very nice. Hey!
Francesca's got a ring, too.
She got engaged with this guy.
- Go ahead, Franny, show 'em.
- Very nice.
Hey, when I become a millionaire,
that thing's gonna be huge, all right?
"A millionaire"? I'd be happy
if you were a hundredaire.
This idiot brother puts an air foil
on the back of my plumbing van.
Business has been kicking
ever since we did that.
Hey, Jose, could you shove that
antennae back into your love handle,
I think the Giants
are playing the Dodgers.
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, I can do that.
You know, but I charge 14 bucks
for the premium channels, fool.
Hey, y'all kids, keep it
down over there! Okay?
This is not a library!
- Chuckie!
Quit hitting your sister Sara.
Don't! Stop!
- Can I hit you, Dad?
- Can I hit the dogs?
Can I hit a cupcake?
- Me, too!
- I want to hit one of those...
All right. It's cool.
Just hit her, it's fine.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Yes?
- I have a toast.
- Ah!
All that I've ever wanted to be...
is whom I'm becoming.
- Nice.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
- Hear, hear.
- Uh-oh.
- Hey!
Hey, Gunga Din.
What are you doing here?
This is our site. Site 16.
No way! We have site 16.
Oh, are you going
to build a 7/11 here?
- Yeah, right next to your nail salon.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, snap! Y'all hear that?
What are you people doing here?
Finish up the gardening and go.
Hey, things are heating up down there.
I got one. I got one.
How do you know a Chinese
guy broke into your house?
Your homework's all done and he takes
an hour to pull out of your driveway.
Get it?
Come on, man. It's funny.
- Did he just say that?
- Yeah, he did.
Let me see that.
Let me see that.
What did St. Peter say
when he saw the Indian guy?
"Hey, Jesus, your cab's here."
That was funnier than that.
- Okay, that's messed up.
Hey, you guys still want
campsite 16?
Oh, I think we need to have
a little contest.
- Contest?
- What kind of contest?
- It's over now!
- No math contest and no...
Yeah, no math
and no science questions.
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