MacGruber (2010)

Right on time.
Zeke! Hurry the fuck up!
Almost there!
Open it.
Load it up.
Sorry, I don't
speak Russian.
Making life-saving inventions
out of household materials
Getting in and out
of ultra-sticky situations
The guy's a fucking genius
He made a fucking movie
Sir, I still don't
understand why we had
to come all
the way out here.
Because, Lieutenant,
we need the best.
And this guy's
that good?
Yeah. He's that good.
Then why isn't he
on active duty?
he's been dead
for 10 years.
Hello, Colonel.
Hello, MacGruber.
How did you find me?
You forget I taught you
everything you know.
Not everything, Colonel.
Hello, Jim.
This is Lieutenant Dixon
Piper. Lieutenant, this is...
The legendary
Former Navy SEAL, Army
Ranger and Green Beret.
Served six tours in Desert
Storm, four in Bosnia,
three each in Angola, Somalia,
Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.
Recipient of sixteen
Purple Hearts,
three Congressional
Medals of Honor,
seven Presidential
Medals of Bravery,
and starting tight end for the
University of Texas, El Paso.
That was
a long time ago.
Listen, Mac...
Colonel, with
all due respect,
whatever it is
you're here for,
the answer is no.
My life is here now. Everything
I care about is in these walls.
I'm a man of peace. This is
my home, these are my people.
Hey, hey! Shit!
He'll give it back.
Look, MacGruber. Two
days ago, a Russian convoy
carrying the X-5 nuclear
warhead got jacked.
Yesterday, reliable sources informed
us it made its way to US soil.
That's not
my problem anymore.
MacGruber, the X-5 is one of
the most powerful nuclear...
Yeah, I know
what the X-5 is.
Lieutenant, give us
a minute, will you?
Yes, sir.
Mac, you're
our only hope.
Your country needs you.
I think I've given more than
enough to my country already.
Mac, if this is
about Casey, she...
It's not about Casey. It's
about a promise I made to myself.
Listen to me, Mac.
No, you listen!
I'm out of the game.
Well, the game has changed.
But the players are the same.
it's Cunth.
We have reason
to believe
the X-5 is now in the
possession of Dieter Von Cunth.
This is your chance
to finally take him down.
Sorry, Jim.
I can't do it.
If you
change your mind...
Do you,
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,
take MacGruber to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
And do you, MacGruber, take
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...
Fuck you. be your
lawfully wedded wife?
I'm in.
I'm in.
Thank God.
Your God can't help you,
Jim. But I can.
So what do we
know so far?
Very little,
We think Cunth smuggled
the X-5 into the US,
but we lost the trail before we
could pin any hard evidence on him.
I was actually talking
to the Colonel. Colonel?
Everything Piper
just said is correct.
Thank you, Colonel.
Well, then,
if you'll excuse me,
it's time to go
pound some Cunth.
Mac. It's not
that easy.
Sure, to us, he's a black market
arms dealer. But to everyone else,
he's become
a respected businessman
and a major
political donor.
He's untouchable.
Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.
I'll touch him
wherever I want.
Now, Mac, one thing we
have working in our favor
is that Cunth needs passcodes
to make the X-5 operational.
It is imperative that Cunth
does not get those codes.
Oh, thanks. Because
before you said something,
I thought it'd be fine
if he got them.
Now, I'm not gonna
lie to you, Mac.
This is a very tall order.
Word on the street is
Cunth's put together a team
of the most ruthless criminals
this planet has to offer.
Zeke Pleshette. Constantine
Bach. The Culebra brothers.
It's a veritable
dream team of killers.
Well, then, I'll just have to
put together my own dream team
of killer-stoppers.
Regarding that, Mac,
Lieutenant Piper here is
one of the best men we have.
He'll be your
second-in-command on this thing.
I got a better idea.
No fucking way.
MacGruber, I know I'm
not what you expected.
Let me guess.
One year out of the academy,
zero combat experience,
little punk thinks
his shit don't stink.
Well, just to
let you know,
your shit does stink.
It stinks like shit.
If you'll just
give me a shot.
Give this a shot.
My fricking nose!
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time to round up
a real team.
I got it, Rico.
I got it.
Same old Frank. Always
wants to go it alone.
Man, I thought
you were dead.
Last time I saw you, you had
a grenade launcher in one hand
and an M-16
in the other.
And you had just ripped a dude's
throat out with your bare hands.
Classic MacGruber.
So, looks like you're
keeping your bod pretty tight.
You're looking
pretty good yourself.
Well, every day's
a workout
when you gotta carry around a
20-pound python in your jeans.
You and your dick comments.
It's fun to say them.
It's fun to hear them.
That's why I say them.
And that's
why I listen.
Wow, we had some good
times together, didn't we?
We had some
great times.
We're about to
have some more.
Uh-oh! I know that look.
I need you, Frank.
It's serious.
I'm putting together
a team.
Then I'm in.
Two is a wonderful number
And three is a crowd,
that's true
But four is the perfect
number for sure
If it's two kids and me
and you
I love you.
That was beautiful, Vicki.
MacGruber. I thought
you were dead.
So did I.
But I'm not.
I'm alive and I'm
putting together a team.
Good for you.
No, good for us.
And good for America.
And good for fans
of justice and truth.
Because you're
on that team.
I can't.
Just give me one
good reason, Vick.
I do.
And do you, MacGruber, take
Casey Janine Fitzpatrick
to be your lawfully
wedded wife?
I lost my best
friend that day.
I did, too.
And now we have
a chance to get revenge.
It's Cunth.
I'm sorry, I've started over.
My life is my music now.
If you change
your mind.
It was good
to see you, Vicki.
Is everything
on schedule?
Yes, sir. We should have
the passcodes by Tuesday.
Have you ever
been to D.C.?
No, sir, I haven't.
I was talking
to the missile.
All right, you guys strapped in?
Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!
Just like old times!
Shit. I gotta go
deal with the brass.
Fuck the brass!
Let's go, man.
Hang tight.
Fuck the brass!
Fuck the brass!
Fuck the brass!
One second, Grubes.
Yes, Mr. President.
Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber
on this team right in front of us.
No, we're certain
it's Cunth.
How's your nose,
It's fine. I just banged
it into a giant vagina.
So, my face
is a vagina, huh?
Well, I bet you wish
your nose was a dick,
so you could use it
to fuck butts.
I forget. The last time I saw you,
did I remember to tell you
how ugly I think you are?
No, you didn't. Well, I
think you're really ugly.
I think you're looking in
the mirror. You want to go?
Any time,
any place.
I'm starting
to like this guy.
Just kidding.
I still hate you.
Well, I hate you.
You want to go?
Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys. Cool it.
So, MacGruber, we understand
you've recruited quite a team.
Quite a team? Yeah,
you could say that.
Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer,
Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.
Yeah, I'd say
it's a pretty good team.
Look, Mac, are you sure
you won't change your mind
about letting Piper
here join you?
He'd make
a hell of an asset.
Oh, I would love to,
but the van's pretty full.
You see, it's filled
with American heroes
with over a hundred years
of combined combat experience
and a whole lot
of brotherhood.
And no, you can't
ride in the trunk, bud!
'Cause the trunk is filled with over
75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive
that I personally packed
in there with my own two...
Oh, fuck!
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no!
Tut, Tug!
You guys okay?
Oh, somebody's
gotta be in there!
Oh! Oh!
Call 911! Call 911!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
They were nice funerals.
Yeah. What did you
think of my eulogies?
Very touching.
I might have cut back
on the F-words a little.
Well, they were
fucking great guys.
And this is a fucking
asshole of a day.
I know.
It's just that their kids were there.
They laughed.
Because of your use
of heavy language.
Well, fuck 'em.
I should have
been in that van.
But you weren't.
No, I wasn't.
And nobody's gonna regret
that more than Cunth.
MacGruber, about that.
Look, I'm taking you
off the case.
I'm sorry, I must
have heard wrong.
'Cause I thought
I just heard you say,
"MacGruber, about that.
"Look, I'm taking you
off the case."
That's exactly
what I said.
Damn it, Jim.
You can't do that. Okay?
I'm the best
chance you got.
You told me yourself
at the monastery.
But the game has changed!
But the players
are the same!
Mac, I got no choice.
Look, you've been through
a very traumatic experience.
You're too close.
And without a team
behind you,
I just can't chance it.
I'm sorry, Grubes.
Sir, I just...
Where's the Colonel?
You gotta help me. They want
to kick me off the mission.
Well, under
the circumstances...
Fuck you, dickhead!
All right.
Wait, wait, wait! I didn't
mean that. I didn't mean that.
What do you want,
Join my team.
Join my new team, and tell
the Colonel I can do this.
I can't do that.
Okay, don't make
me beg here.
'Cause I will do it.
I am so sorry.
I'm so goddamn sorry.
Look, I'm freaking
out here.
I killed them.
I killed them all!
I'm so fucking stupid!
I don't know what I'm doing
and everybody hates me!
Look, I will
suck your dick.
I will suck
your fucking dick.
I will do it,
just join my team.
I'll suck your dick.
You can fuck me
or get fucked by me.
You can watch me
fuck something.
Just point at something in the
room and I'll fuck it for you.
Come on, just tell me
what you want me to fuck!
Jesus Christ, MacGruber.
Just tell me
what you want me to fuck.
Okay, I don't have any lubricant.
Do you see any Wite-Out?
Or, like, copy toner
should work, or...
Put your pants back on.
What are you doing?
I don't know!
I don't know what I'm doing!
I'm so fucked here!
I am so fucked.
Come on, MacGruber.
It's not so bad.
Oh, it's not?
The man who
killed my wife
is in control of
a nuclear warhead,
and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!
And it's not so bad?
Cunth killed your wife?
It was never proven
in a court of law,
but I saw it
with my own eyes.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
This mission was
my chance to do
what I should have
done 10 years ago.
And I blew it.
MacGruber, we have a
chopper waiting to take you
back to Ecuador.
Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm in.
I'm in. I'm on the team. Really?
Sorry, Lieutenant. Two
people don't make a team.
But three do.
I heard about
what happened.
I thought you could
use some help.
What about your music?
It can wait
Dixon Piper,
Vicki St. Elmo.
Well, Colonel, looks like
I got myself a new team.
Looks like you do,
Looks like you do.
What are we doing
here, MacGruber?
Well, it's simple,
Cunth owns this place,
so if we wanna find out where
that passcode deal is going down,
we gotta turn
over some stones.
Nice car, dickhead!
Fuck you!
K- F-B-R-3-9-2.
K- F-B-R-3-9-2.
So we're gonna see if we
can't make some contacts,
gather some intel?
Something like that.
K- F-B-R-3-9-2.
Can I help you, bro?
Yeah, I'll have the X-5.
He doesn't know anything. Come on.
Turn off the music.
Turn off the music!
Turn off the fucking music,
or I will kill this woman!
I'll do it. I'll kill her.
I will snap her neck.
Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.
But I can't say the same
about the rest of you!
Whoa! Son of a bitch!
I'm sure that some of you
guys are just here on vay-cay.
But most of you are
big pieces of shit
who are somehow connected
to Dieter Von Cunth.
Now, this guy is up to something
incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.
"Allegedly." I should say
that for legal purposes.
But don't worry.
'Cause I am coming for him,
and I am going to kill him.
Who am I,
you ask?
My name is MacGruber.
Remember that name!
Capital M-A-C-capital G
- R-U-B-E-R!
Anyone wants
to come find me,
I will be at the Gold Street
Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p. M.
Please spread the word,
ya frigging turds.
Whoo! Whoo!
That went great.
That was fucking tits.
MacGruber, what
the hell was that?
It's called
"sending a message."
And I think it will be
received loud and clear.
That's what
I'm worried about.
Because he thought
you were dead.
That was a huge advantage.
Yeah, and now he's going
to be coming for us.
Exactly. It's all
part of the plan.
What is the plan?
I kind of make it
up as I go.
That's not really
a plan, then.
Okay, so it's not a plan.
Look, I'm not good with plans.
And I'm not good
with clues.
What I am good with is kicking
ass and ripping throats.
So Cunth is gonna come
after me? Well, bring it on.
'Cause then he'll be on
my turf, playing my game.
And that's not a game I
plan on losing. Let's go.
K- F-B-R-3-9-2. K-
F-B-R-3-9-2. K- F-B-R-3-9-2.
Wetter. More.
Sorry to disturb you,
Dr. Cunth.
Sorry, sir.
What is it?
Some lunatic smashed up
the club last night.
He said he was
coming after you.
Oh, I'm terrified.
Said his name
was MacGruber.
Well, well, well.
Alive after
all these years.
MacGruber, MacGruber.
Bring him in.
I don't have him, sir.
You let him go?
They didn't feel he
posed any real threat.
They actually thought
he was mentally handicapped.
No real threat.
Let me ask
you a question.
Do you remember the assassination
of President Jimmy Carter?
No, sir, but that
never happened.
No, it didn't.
Do not underestimate
this man.
He can be quite
a fly in the ointment.
Understood. So what
would you like us to do?
Round up a couple
of flyswatters.
Yes, sir.
MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.
It's pretty good, huh?
Can we talk
about this, please?
Well, there's nothing
to talk about.
Everybody knows
that rats like cheese.
And you, Vicki,
are the cheese.
But you're the one
he wants to come after.
Why can't you be
dressed like you?
You are.
I have to say, I have some serious
concerns about this operation.
If you think that I would
let that monster Cunth
touch one hair
on Vicki's head,
then you're
sorely mistaken.
Thank you.
He'll get close to her,
possibly dangerously close.
And of course, in this line of
business, anything can happen.
But I know that Vicki
can take care of herself.
Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Don't worry.
When you turn around
at gunpoint,
and they see that
it's not me,
they are gonna
be so furious,
they're not gonna
know what to do.
And that's when
we got them.
You just look
really pretty.
Thank you?
Come on, Piper.
Come on, MacGruber.
All right, Vick. If we're
gonna draw this bastard out,
he's gotta think he's got eyes
on the real live MacGruber.
Okay, don't worry,
we got your back.
We're only seven blocks away,
so if anything goes down...
Seven blocks?
Okay, you got me.
About 20 blocks.
But if anything goes down,
we'll be right there.
Wasn't anything closer?
Nope. There were tons of spots closer.
Yeah, with meters.
Fine. Look, I don't think I
should be talking to you anymore,
because people are gonna be staring at me
and thinking that I'm talking to myself.
And I don't want
to attract attention.
And I'm at the counter,
so just gonna order now.
Can I help you?
Can I have
a small latte?
No, no, no.
MacGruber would
never order that.
I'm all about
the large Tazo tea.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
Can I change that?
Can I get
a large Tazo tea?
Sure. Anything else?
Can I get your name?
I'll let you take
this one, Vick.
Um... MacGruber.
Good job.
It's gonna be $3.45.
Yes, it is. That's what
it is every time I get it.
No, Vicki, no tip. What are
you doing? Get that tip back.
I have to...
I'm sorry.
No, say you're not sorry.
I'm not...
I'm not sorry.
I mean, I'm sorry.
As me, I'm sorry.
Okay, now why don't you move
down to the end of the counter?
Further. Further...
Stop! Stop!
That's me.
Now, here is the most important
thing. Listen carefully.
With your left hand, lift
the cup up to your mouth.
Open your lips,
then tilt the cup back
until the liquid...
Down, down, down!
We're gonna die!
We're gonna die!
Hand me that
I'm a little busy
at the moment!
Hand me that Incredi-Mop,
and that is an order!
Oh, my God! No!
Oh, God! Oh, no!
Oh, my God.
Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?
Yeah, we're alive. We're coming
over there. Meet us out in the alley.
My teammates
were getting shot.
They're alive.
They made it.
Thank you.
That was nice work
with that Incredi-Mop.
Yeah, it would be a good
commercial for their product.
I'm not so sure
that it would be.
Hoss Bender. Dead at the
age of who-the-fuck-cares.
MacGruber, I was
so worried about you.
Well, I was really worried
about you, too, Vick.
I mean, I only have,
like, two of these vests,
so if either of them
got shot up,
it would be a real
bummer for me.
I mean, they're
not expensive.
But they're really hard
to find. Yeah, I got it.
Hey, guys!
I found Hoss' car.
Oh, mama!
That's a whole
lot of wampum.
He's got every strip club
in the city in his GPS.
Hoss Bender, what the hell
are you planning on doing
with all this money?
I think it's
fairly obvious.
He was going to use it
to buy the pass...
Buy the passcodes! Yup.
Got there at
the same time,
maybe even slightly
before you.
Yep, he's gonna use it
to buy the passcodes.
This is weird.
He has an appointment this
afternoon, and all it says is "STD."
Been there.
STD is also code for the
old Stansfield rail yard,
which is about
10 miles from here.
I'm just going to pop
that into this GPS.
Yeah, pop it in.
Well, what do you know?
It's already routed.
What do you say we go get
ourselves some passcodes?
Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show
up, they'll abort the drop.
Who said Hoss isn't
gonna show up?
Okay, now, before we
do this, any questions?
Why do I have
to be Hoss?
Because you're good
at what you do.
And why do I
have to be you?
First of all, you will never
be me. And second of all...
I forget your question.
So it looks like we're
dealing with three guards here.
it's three on three.
Okay, so once we take
out the guards,
Vicki will walk in
dressed as Hoss,
and then we'll just,
you know,
see what happens.
You ready?
Wait, so we're just
gonna wing it?
Piper, there's a big
difference between winging it
and seeing
what happens.
Now let's see
what happens.
No, thanks.
MacGrubie don't
play like Homey.
And Homey don't
play like that.
I'm sorry, I don't
understand what you're saying.
I'm saying
I don't use guns.
So it's true what
they say about you.
Guns are for the weak.
Guns are for the stupid.
No offense.
Let's see,
what do we got in here?
A piece of cloth,
a spool, a tennis ball...
What are you doing?
Making a little distraction.
What the hell is that?
What the fuck?
Now! Now! Now!
I gotta admit,
that sort of worked.
Sort of worked? I just
killed three bad guys.
They're dead
because I shot them.
Because they
were distracted.
Okay, now,
piece of advice.
When you use
the old celery trick,
you're gonna wanna go
with the thick end.
Seems counter-intuitive,
but if you go
thin end first,
it just slides right out and you're...
You're wasting your time.
I'm never, ever
gonna do that.
Never ever say, "Never
ever. " Okay, follow me.
That's Constantine Bach
and Zeke Pleshette.
And if I'm not mistaken,
which I never am,
that briefcase-carrying pile
of shit has the passcodes.
All right, Vick,
it's go time.
Do I really
have to do this?
Nice one, Vick.
Start walking.
Okay, I'm walking.
Nothing bad has
happened yet.
I'm still alive.
Look, you're
gonna be fine.
This is just
like Nicaragua.
I got shot in Nicaragua.
Don't worry, this is
nothing like Nicaragua.
Okay, I think I see you
through the window.
Now just walk on in here,
and, I don't know,
fingers crossed.
This is so exciting.
Okay, now head through
the entrance, slowly.
And don't worry.
Remember, they think
you're Hoss Bender,
so it's gonna take them
a little while to...
That's not Hoss!
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
Making a homemade grenade!
Can I borrow your gun? I need
something to stir this with.
No! I'm using it!
Use your finger!
Watch your tone!
Oh, hold on! Don't
worry, I got this one.
Damn it, they got
the passcodes!
Hey, guys?
Vicki! You all right?
I lost the money.
And I peed my jeans.
I peed them.
I washed it.
I didn't.
Looks like this cell phone's all we got.
Then we better make
the most of it.
'Cause at this point, this is
our only connection to the X-5.
Holy shit! It's ringing!
Vicki, call tracer.
Call tracer.
Set to jet,
Now remember, MacGruber,
you gotta keep him on the line
long enough to get a location.
Don't worry. I've done this before.
Listen to me, you piece of
shit. Hoss and Zeke are dead,
and if you don't tell me who this is...
He hung up.
Did you get it?
Damn it. Is that
thing working?
Yeah. But you gotta keep them on
the phone for at least 20 seconds.
That was 20.
That was maybe three.
Shit! You're right.
Shit, shit, shit!
Second chance!
In your face!
Listen to me, you piece of
shit. Hoss and Zeke are...
That's my phone.
Talk to me.
MacGruber, it's Faith.
How's it going?
What's the mission status?
Positively banging,
Colonel. Right, guys?
Oh, they're jazzed. How's
everything at the P-Gon?
Well, we do
have one lead.
You probably already
know about it.
Cunth's having a fundraising
event at his mansion tonight.
We do know
about Cunth's party,
and we will be there
with bells on.
Absolutely not,
Sir, I'm not
gonna wear bells.
No, Mac. You are not
to enter that party.
Right now, Cunth has no
idea you're even alive
and that is a huge
advantage to us.
This is surveillance only.
I want to know exactly who
comes through that door.
Is that clear?
Loud and.
So, Cunth is
having a party?
Yeah, he is.
And guess who just
made the guest list.
Guess who just made
the guest list.
For the record, I think
this is a really stupid move.
Don't worry, I'm gonna
keep a real low profile.
May I take your coat?
Your car stereo?
Nice try.
Okay, I think our
definitions of low profile
might be a little
You think?
Where's Vicki?
She arrived 10 minutes
ago. She's out back.
I'll find her
in a sec.
First, I got a little
business to attend to.
MacGruber, come in.
Jesus Christ.
Where have you been?
Sorry, I just took an upper
decker in the master bathroom.
Upper decker?
Yeah, it's where you take a dump in
the water tank and not in the bowl.
You look great.
Thank you.
Look, Vick,
I'm going to need you to poke
around, see what you can dig up.
I'm way ahead of you.
You see that guy
over there?
I saw him coming out
of Cunth's office.
I think he's one
of his goons.
Which guy?
That handsome guy.
That guy?
You think he's handsome?
Yeah, he's very handsome.
Really? Well, if you
think he's so handsome,
then why don't you
marry him?
No, seriously.
If you think he's so
handsome, go marry him.
Leave the case. Piper
and I will do it. Okay?
Is he that
handsome to you?
Are you willing to
quit your job for him?
Now that's the guy
I want you to check out.
He's teeming with intel.
Follow that guy,
and that is an order.
And stay away
from that guy,
who I actually would
describe as ugly.
And that is
another order.
So, two orders.
Piper, you got
a location on Cunth?
He appears to be
in the south wing.
On my way.
That guy.
I will see your 25,000
and raise you 50.
He's bluffing.
I can tell by the look
in his beady little eyes.
MacGruber. We've been expecting you.
Bet's to you,
Senator Garver.
I'm all in.
The Senator's
all in for $750,000.
Straight flush.
Damn it!
My associate will assist you with
your debt, Senator. Good night.
Sorry about that.
I thought he was
bluffing there, so...
Thank you, MacGruber.
You just made me a teeny-weeny
bit wealthier than I already am.
Well, I'm sure you'll find
something useful to do with it.
Your companion's a very
beautiful young woman.
Thank you.
Hope you enjoy being
date raped, ma'am.
This is my daughter.
He killed my wife.
Will you excuse us
for a minute, please?
Where's the X-5?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Where's the fucking
What would I want
with a nuclear warhead?
I never
said it was nuclear.
That's right, because most
warheads are filled with air.
You know, I ran
into Zeke Pleshette
and Hoss Bender
the other day.
How were they?
A lot less dead
than they are now.
Oh, really.
That's too bad.
Yeah, it's too bad for you.
'Cause they were a part
of your little dream team
of thugs, weren't they?
Oh, that's right. You got
me. Past tense. They were...
Yeah, it's really quite
a sad story, actually.
What do you mean?
I had assembled the
greatest dream team of thugs
in the history
of the world.
I had them all
in one room,
and I also had
some homemade C-4.
And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.
And I lost them all.
You're shitting me.
You're shitting me!
Well, we have
a lot in common
because I basically did
the same thing...
Oh, no, wait.
That didn't happen to me
because I'm not a fucking retard
who blows up his own dudes.
Fuck you, Cunth.
And by the way,
I have a new team now.
Not only do I have
Vicki St. Elmo...
Maybe you've heard of her?
But I also have one of the greatest
young military minds around.
I mean, this guy's
the real deal.
And we're gonna stop you.
Well, you certainly have a
healthy imagination, MacGruber.
But I don't know anything about
a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.
You're lying. And
you're a piece of shit.
We're all done here.
Would you show
Mr. MacGruber the door?
Let me tell you how
this is gonna go down.
First I'm gonna
kick you in the chin,
breaking your jaw
in four places.
I'm gonna take you and
karate flip you over my back,
and then knee your nose into
your brain, killing you instantly.
I do wanna get
a throat rip in here.
I think that's gonna be you, small fry.
One thing I do know, at
the end of the day, Cunth,
I'm gonna rip your dick off
and shove it in your mouth.
And that is
non-negotiable. Who's first?
My fucking back.
You did not just do that.
That is a Blaupunkt!
You owe me
a Blaupunkt!
Where's Vicki?
I'm not sure
I can do this.
Vicki, where are you?
Don't do it for yourself.
Do it for your family.
My family?
Good night, Senator.
Vicki, I just got
thrown out of the party.
I got thrown through a window. Shh.
Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.
And it's broken, and I'm
really fucking bummed about it.
MacGruber, I'm watching Senator
Garver talk to Constantine Bach.
Oh, well, I'm glad that
you're having so much fun
checking out all the cute
guys at the party, Vicki,
but there's a nuclear
threat going on
and we could use all
the help we can get.
So can you please
get out here?
First of all,
great party.
Let's get that
out of the way.
I loved the music,
I loved the dancing,
the sushi, excellent.
I particularly enjoyed
being humiliated
by MacGruber in front of my
daughter and all my guests.
By the way, does anyone
know how he got in?
He walked in
the front door, sir.
He walked in
the front door.
I imagined there'd be a more
complicated explanation than that.
Sorry, sir.
Jeff, there's no need
to apologize.
I appreciate
your honesty.
Would you move a bit
to your left, please?
Anyone else feel
like being honest?
Great, hang that in the
foyer and go kill MacGruber.
Damn it, MacGruber!
I specifically told you
not to go in there.
I got him exactly
where I want him.
Do you? 'Cause I think
it's the other way around.
Agree to disagree, Jim.
Look, I'm really
sorry, okay?
"Sorry" is not going to keep us
safe from this goddamn warhead!
Mac, you've turned
into a liability.
And I have no choice but to
take you off this mission.
And this time,
it's for real.
But he has
the passcodes now!
Because you couldn't
stop him.
Jim, you can't do this.
Oh, I can and I just did.
I will suck
your fucking dick.
I will let you fuck me.
I'm sorry, Mac.
It's over.
I can't stop thinking about that
envelope that Senator Garver got.
I bet there was some
kind of a clue in there.
It's cute that you're still
thinking about that, Vicki.
But, trust me, there's
nothing to Garver.
I have a feeling
in my gut.
Yeah. Sorry.
No, you have nothing
to be sorry about.
Both of you guys have
just done a great job.
If there's anyone
to blame here, it's me.
If it's any consolation,
being with you
the last few days,
I've learned a lot.
All of it was
what not to do,
but that's an important part
of the learning process.
I'm gonna go use
the ladies' room.
Number one
or number two?
Number none-of-your-business.
That means number two.
Shut up!
So when are you
gonna make your move?
What are you
talking about?
Come on, man. You can
see it from a mile away.
Shut your butt!
No, seriously. You two
are perfect for each other.
I mean, look, don't get me
wrong. She's a good woman.
Loyal, great
at what she does,
rocking bod,
smooth dresser,
talented lyricist.
But I can very
confidently tell you
that Vicki and I will
never ever be like that.
Never ever say,
"Never ever."
No, this time I can.
After Casey, I made
a promise to myself
that I would never be
with another woman.
Must have been
really hard.
Why did he do it? Why
did Cunth kill your wife?
To this day,
I have no idea.
We actually all went
to college together.
Believe it or not,
we were very close friends.
Then after graduation,
he got engaged to her.
He asked me
to be his best man
and right about
that time,
I started banging her
and mowing her box.
She was actually
the first person
I felt comfortable
enough around
to let eat
out my butt.
shortly thereafter,
she left him
for me.
She was actually carrying
his child at the time.
I asked her to terminate it, obviously,
so we could
start fresh.
And she agreed.
We were so in love.
And he took
that from me.
That's really fucked up.
You know,
you're a good guy.
And I need to apologize for something.
No, you don't.
No, I do.
I treated you so badly.
I guess I just felt threatened
by you, believe it or not.
And I'm not used
to feeling that way.
I mean,
I'm fucking MacGruber.
Water under the bridge.
You know it.
You know it!
Another beer, Grubes?
Let's see,
we got Molsons...
We got company.
Piper! No!
Vicki! Get
behind him!
Get in, get in, get in!
I'm trying to get in!
Stay low!
Stay low!
Oh, my God,
is he dead?
Yes! Yes,
he's dead!
Oh, fuck!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.
How did you know I was
wearing a bulletproof vest?
You're wearing a
bulletproof vest? Awesome!
What, you didn't know?
No, of course
I knew.
I knew the whole
time, yeah.
Pull over
and let me out.
No. Why?
Because you just used me
as a human shield!
I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!
Vicki, did I just use
him as a human shield?
Yeah, you kind of did.
Okay, you're blowing this
out of proportion,
and thanks.
Pull over.
Pull over!
Did you just kick my car?
Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't!
Real mature!
You suck,
Bye, Piper!
Get home safe!
Are you okay?
My God, what happened
to your leg?
It's nothing. MacGruber,
you've been shot!
I wish it was
through the head.
Don't say that.
Come inside. Let me get
that bullet out of you.
This is gonna
sting a little.
I'm going to remove
the bullet now.
Do you want to
bite down on this?
I deserve pain.
I don't know what happened back there.
I just freaked out.
Everybody makes mistakes.
Not me.
He didn't die.
But he could have.
You're being too hard on yourself.
Or maybe the Colonel was right.
Maybe I've lost it.
Why do you
stick around?
Because I believe
in what you're doing.
You do?
You're an amazing man.
You're gorgeous,
you have a perfect body.
A great sense
of style.
You're smart
and brave.
Casey was a very lucky woman
to have a guy like you.
Well, you're a very
special woman, too.
Tell me, why didn't
you ever settle down?
I've only ever
loved one man.
He's taken.
He's married?
He was.
But she's still in his
heart, God rest her soul.
I just hope he doesn't blame himself
for her getting blown up
at their wedding.
Maybe one day,
you'll get the courage
to tell him how you feel.
I got it.
I always get
an erection
when a beautiful woman uses a
pair of pliers near my balls.
Thank you.
I better get
you sewn up.
Leave it open.
I like holes.
I'm a virgin.
Not for long.
My God, I'm gonna frigging
explode inside you.
I'm going
to spill it.
I'm going
to fill you up.
I'm going
to fill you up.
What? I'm going to fill you up!
Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
You were amazing.
I have to go.
What's wrong?
I have to go.
I'm so sorry, Casey.
I just made love
to another woman.
I can't help but feel
that I've betrayed you.
It's okay, MacGruber.
It's okay.
Be with Vicki.
But I can't
do that to you.
You have to move on
with your life.
I don't know
what to say.
Then don't
say anything.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
I'm going to shoot.
I'm going
to fucking shoot.
I'm gonna shoot, too.
Let's shoot together.
I shot.
I did, too.
Now go, MacGruber.
Go tell Vicki how
you feel about her.
I will.
Oh, and Casey?
What are the chances?
Go for Grubes.
Oh, sweet.
Look, I just wanted
to apologize
for how things went
down the other day
and give you
the good news.
Good news?
I'm all ears.
We just received intel
that Russian special forces
have recovered the X-5.
That's great!
I want to be there when
you take Cunth down.
MacGruber, listen.
We were wrong about Cunth.
He's not involved.
It was Chechen rebels.
Jim, you're wrong about being
wrong. This is textbook Cunth.
I'm telling you,
Mac, he's clean.
Yeah, as clean
as a pig dick.
Look, Jim, this has gotta
be some kind of distraction
so he can
use the X-5.
And my gut tells me
he's gonna use it soon.
I don't know what
he's gonna do...
Oh, my God.
Jim! Jim! Cunth is gonna
nuke the State of the Union!
MacGruber, this intel comes
from a very reliable source.
Now, do me a favor.
Take some time off.
Just go to a beach somewhere,
kick off your boots
and drink a few Molsons.
I have a better idea.
I'm gonna go
save the world.
Hey, what the fuck?
Fuck you, asshole!
That's my car!
Senator, tell me again
where you got this intel.
I'm sorry, Jim.
I had no choice.
I'm so sorry, Vicki.
What the hell?
"Songs for My Gruber."
Oh, Vicki.
Vicki. Where are you?
Hello, MacGruber.
Cunth. What did you
do with Vicki?
Oh, I haven't seen her.
I somehow stumbled
on her cell phone.
Listen to me, Cunth.
I know what you're planning,
you frigging turd.
Look, if you care at all
about Vicki's cell phone,
you'll stay away.
If you don't,
I'll smash it
into a million,
trillion little pieces.
Do you understand me?
I understand. Or at least I think I do.
Vicki's cell phone
is Vicki, right?
Goodbye, MacGruber.
Dieter, wait!
Look, uh...
I just wanted to say that
it's been really good
to mix it up with you.
And, you know,
I think that you would
admit that we make
pretty damn
good adversaries.
And, you know,
thanks for being
there, dude.
Wow. I didn't expect
that. Thanks, MacGruber.
Cunth, one more thing.
Uh... Let's see,
how do I put this?
Oh, yeah. I cannot wait
to cut off your dick
and shove it
in your mouth!
Time to go
pound some Cunth.
Thanks for doing this, Pi.
And, look,
sorry about
last night.
It was a real
rookie maneuver.
Let's get
something straight.
I'm not doing
this for you.
I'm doing it for all the
innocent people out there
whose lives
are at stake.
Well, my life is
just as at stake.
So in a way, you are doing it for me.
And I thank you
for that.
You know what?
Just stop.
That's all you do,
is talk.
You talk and you
fuck things up.
And I rip throats.
I seriously doubt it.
Oh, you do? Well, then,
I guess you'll see.
Will I? Yeah, you
will. And so will they.
Sorry to bother you, sir,
but... Colonel?
MacGruber was right.
Looks like 11,
12 that I can see.
But there will be
more inside.
Well, I hope they got a ditch
dug out back for all the bodies.
Otherwise things are going to
get real smelly here later on.
That's a pretty gross
way to look at it.
Well, I'm a realist.
I don't know how many people
you're planning on killing,
but I am definitely going to
kill that guy with the pony...
Shh! Shh.
just let him pass.
We don't want to attract
any more attention.
Jesus Christ.
Pretty cool, right? Bet
you weren't expecting that.
Yeah, that was
really disgusting.
Well, get used to it,
'cause that's my main move.
Besides, he would've done the exact
same thing to me if he had the chance.
No, he wouldn't have.
He would've shot you, not...
Down, now.
All right, that
was too close.
We need a new
point of entry.
Let's move!
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki.
Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride.
What was that?
Didn't quite catch that.
Stick it where the sun
don't shine, Dieter.
Oh, yeah? Where might that be?
Your butt?
Up your butthole?
Let's just put this
back in, shall we?
Now, I know
MacGruber's after you.
And I can't wait.
You know why?
'Cause I'm going to
watch him watch me
kill you right in
front of him, and then,
I'm going to
watch me kill him
in front of a mirror.
And then, I'm going
to watch some TV.
I hope there's
something good on.
This will be one of the most anticipated
State of the Unions in history.
I'm told the President is
about to enter the chamber.
Oh, good.
I love disaster movies.
Here he is,
ladies and gentlemen,
the President of
the United States.
And then I told her, "Not
for long," and then we rammed.
You what?
Yeah, I humped her.
I don't want to
use the F-word
'cause I don't want to
diminish its beauty in any way.
But it was fucking great.
And I've never felt that way
about a bone session before.
Yeah, sounds really special. Thanks.
This looks like
the main duct.
We should be right
underneath the control room.
Oh, yeah.
You ready?
Time to go
pound some Cunth.
No, what?
It's just I've noticed you
say that line all the time.
It's a good line.
Is it?
Yeah. I know good lines.
I'm really good with them.
I work them up, and I even have
a line for after I defeat Cunth.
Great. Can't wait to hear it. Practiced
it in a mirror. It is ready to go.
Yeah, you'll hear it.
You'll know.
I'll look at you and...
Yeah, you'll know.
Should we get going?
Oh, I can go...
You go. You go.
do you copy?
are you there?
God damn it,
Throat lozenges?
You're going to want
to take the whole box.
Awesome. Got another throat rip in.
Might go
for the turkey.
The turkey?
Yeah, it's a bowling term for when
you get three strikes in a row.
And I applied that
to throat rips.
That's sick.
But if ripping throats
gets that warhead back,
I'll suck as many
dicks as it...
Rip as many throats
as I have to.
Did you hear that?
Okay, good.
Check this out.
Hey, Cunth.
Guess who's in your
stupid compound.
It's me, MacGruber!
And I am with my brother
from another mother,
Lieutenant Dixon Piper.
What are you... Let me
do this. What are you...
Let me do this!
Just lick it up. Back
on the air, fuckface!
Kill him.
Now, look. Even though there
are only two of us here in this,
call it a control room,
we are going to destroy you.
Control room! Now!
So anyways, come on
over to the control room.
We'll be waiting, and we have
a little surprise for you.
Pretty good idea, huh?
Which one, the desecration of the corpse
or the water ambush?
You know, you make fun of
this stuff, but trust me,
that is going to buy
us some serious time.
They're in
the machine room!
Machine room! Go!
Okay, I rounded
up this wrench,
and I already have
this bottle cap.
But be on the lookout
for one large brown egg.
Shut the fuck up,
I am trying
to help here!
There are too many guys. I need
you to take two of these guns.
I told you,
I do not use guns.
Well, you better start,
because sticking a piece of
fucking celery up your ass
ain't gonna hack it
this time.
I'm not going to use a gun! Why?
I don't know how. Okay?
I don't fucking
believe it.
They scare me.
Do you want
to save Vicki?
Okay, okay.
So what do I do?
You point it
and you shoot it.
Okay, okay.
Okay, here goes.
Oh! I got a barrel!
Aim for a person! Oh!
Good call, good call. Okay.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I got that
guy! Did you see that?
I think I actually got him,
but you're doing a great job.
Thank you. I'm going to
take those two guys out.
No, no, no! I want to
do it! I want to do it!
This is so awesome!
This is so much better than those
stupid fucking gadgets I used to make.
We gotta make a run
for that door.
We're gonna go on
the count of three,
and whatever you do,
just keep shooting.
Okay, okay, okay.
Ready? We just keep shooting?
...two, three!
That was a close one.
Where are the guns?
Shh. Shh.
We got company.
Nice gun butt.
One of us should
probably finish him off.
You really want that
throat rip, don't you?
I mean, yeah, but I know
you're not into it, so...
Go for the turkey.
Thank you.
No, thank you. For
trying to save my life.
Well, I owed you one.
Put her there,
That's it.
Vicki's in there.
I can feel it
in my balls.
Game's over,
Ah! MacGruber.
You're just in time.
You guys hungry? You want
a potsticker, a Molson?
We made a pretty
substantial Costco run.
Might not be able to get food
for a while, so we got enough
for, like, an entire
nuclear winter.
Constantine, would you be
a lamb and take these two
while I have a little fun
with MacGruber, here?
First of all, I'd like to thank you
for that upper decker you left me.
I can't wait
to kill you.
I want my mommy!
What, is MacGruber
gonna rip my throat out?
No, I want your throat
to stay right where it is
so I can hear you
scream bloody murder
when I cut off your dick
and shove it in your mouth.
That sounds like
a real fun Tuesday,
but I've already
got other plans.
Oh! See, in about four minutes,
I'm going to turn Washington
D.C. Into a pile of ash.
And then I've got a big
pile of money to count.
How do you make money killing
millions of innocent people?
Really? I thought
that was clear.
Uh... Someone
pays me to do it.
You see, I can't say who
'cause that would be gossiping.
It's the Chinese.
You make me sick.
How could you do this?
Oh, I'm not doing it. You are.
You're mad.
You're mad!
Incensed. Disillusioned by a government
you blame for the death of your wife.
Your trampy,
backstabbing wife.
You killed Casey.
You killed Casey!
Not according
to your manifesto.
What? What are
you talking about?
Your manifesto.
In here,
you blame the government
for the death of Casey,
and you're going to make
them pay dearly for it.
Cunth, you gotta believe
me, I didn't write that.
I'm being framed by somebody.
I don't know who it is,
but you gotta believe me! This
has been a big misunderstanding...
Oh, my God! It's me. I'm writing it.
I'm the one that's
framing you. Me.
You son of a bitch! You'll
never get away with this.
Oh, God. Colonel Faith knows all
about this, and he is going to...
Colonel Faith?
He's dead.
You're lying.
Am I?
Screw you, Cunth!
Is that an invitation?
Ew! No.
Okay, can we get on
with your deaths now?
But first, there's
something I've been wanting
to do for
a long time.
Anyone up for
a little trim?
What are you doing?
I just want you to look
good in your coffin.
Don't fucking do it,
Cunth! Don't do it!
Oh, look at me!
I'm MacGruber. Hey, I'm
gonna go pound some Cunth.
You wanna go?
Fuck you, fuck you.
What the fuck?
Now, Vicki!
I didn't think
you used a gun.
I don't.
You punch
like a little girl.
Well, you're gonna walk
around like a little girl.
'Cause after I
disarm this nuke,
I'm gonna cut off
your dick and...
Shove it in my mouth.
You're like a broken record.
The only record
I'm gonna break
is the "amount of your own
dick in your mouth" record.
Launch commencing
in three minutes.
Three minutes,
Let's move!
All right.
Don't worry, gang.
I've been in this
situation before
and nothing bad
has ever happened.
Right, Vicki?
All right. Before we start, there's
something I need to say here.
Vicki, I have been
doing so much thinking
since we had
intercourse last night...
MacGruber, the bomb!
You're right,
you're right. Okay.
Piper, toss me
that copper wire.
You got it,
Vicki, that
ball bearing.
Here you go,
Piper, those pliers.
Coming at you,
Hurry up,
We're running
out of time!
Vicki, make me the happiest
man on the face of the Earth.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Yes! I porked Casey's ghost last
night. We can talk about that later.
All right, we got a nuclear
warhead to... Holy shit!
What's wrong,
What the fuck is this?
It's a warhead, MacGruber.
You can defuse it, right?
Are you kidding me?
Look at all this crap.
There's, like, a million wires in here.
I'm more like
a three-wire guy.
Look at this wire.
Where does this go?
What does that...
There's a green one.
There's, like,
a bunch of green.
Launch commencing
in two minutes.
Two minutes,
Yeah, I heard it, Vicki!
Jesus, nag, nag, nag!
I'm really sorry,
sweetie. I'm so sorry.
MacGruber, can you
do this or not?
No. I cannot defuse
this missile.
Bravo, MacGruber!
I expected no less
from a washout like you.
Once again,
I win. You lose.
I didn't finish
my sentence, Dieter.
No, I cannot defuse your
missile. But I can do this.
Launch commencing
in one minute.
A nuclear warhead's
not quite the same without
its thermonuclear core.
Damn it!
It doesn't matter.
There's still enough ammonium
nitrate left in that warhead
to blow up the White House
and Congress, combined.
Right again, Cunth.
Of course, it's going to be
awfully hard to fly it without
the guidance system.
So I guess
you do win.
And your prize will be
getting blown to smithereens
in about how long,
Mrs. MacGruber?
Thirty-two seconds!
Well, we better scoot.
We do have a wedding to plan.
Let's move.
Launch commencing
in 20 seconds.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six,
five, four, three,
two, one, zero.
Classic MacGruber.
I love you both.
Theirs is a love
that knows no bounds.
A love that heals
in times of sickness.
A love that forgives
in times of anger.
A love that loves
in times of love.
Vicki wrote that.
It's beautiful, honey.
Thank you.
Now, is there anyone here with
just cause why these two souls
should not be joined
in holy matrimony?
You scared me!
Then let's get to it.
Do you, Vicki
Gloria St. Elmo,
take MacGruber to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
I do
And do you, MacGruber,
take Vicki Gloria St. Elmo to
be your lawfully wedded wife?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Are you all right?
I'm okay.
No, Vicki, don't.
I gotta admit,
I'm kind of glad
you're still alive.
'Cause there's something I've been wanting
to say to you for a long, long time.
Hey, Cunth,
suck your own dick.
Come and get it.
What the fuck?
Where is it?
It was blown up
in the explosion.
You are shitting me!
Are we done here?
God damn it!
Are we... No, we're not done here!
Fuck you, dude!
I do.