1
This is Madison Avenue,
nerve center of
the advertising world.
Here in these steel and concrete
beehives are born the ideas
that decide what we, the public,
will eat, drink, drive and smoke,
and how we will dress,
sleep, shave and smell.
In all beehives, there are
workers, and there are drones.
This is a worker.
Thank you.
And this is a drone.
Jerry, honey?
You're at work.
Hmm?
Good night, darling.
Good night.
Wait a minute.
What kind of a goodnight kiss is that?
We're not married!
My! What a way
to go to work!
Now that's a woman!
Make you homesick, Fred?
Yeah!
Makes me sick
we're going home next week.
Brackett, MacAlpin
and Gaines Advertising.
Yes, I'll give him the message.
Dorothy,
Mr. Brackett in yet?
No, he isn't.
Tell merchandizing, copy and art there'll
be a meeting in my office right away.
Miss Templeton wants merchandizing, copy,
and art in her office on the double.
Looks like a rough day.
Good morning,
Mr. Webster.
Good morning.
Would you send up tomato juice,
black coffee and a masseur?
Yes, sir.
Mr. Webster wants tomato juice,
black coffee and a masseur.
Looks like a rough night.
Miller's Wax is changing agencies and if
we work fast, we can get the account.
Now, Miller's coming into town tonight.
Find out where he's staying.
I want an appointment with him
first thing in the morning.
You can't work up
a presentation by then.
We can and we will.
Here's some thoughts I had. Type
them up for the meeting, okay?
And tell research I want a complete
rundown on J . Paxton Miller.
His packaging setup, distribution
setup, sales volume,
and strong and weak
market areas.
Well, Kelly, what's new this morning
in our gray flannel jungle?
The natives are restless.
J . Paxton Miller of Miller's Wax is due
in tonight to pick up a new agency.
The account's up for grabs.
Okay, let's start grabbing.
Where's he from?
Richmond, Virginia.
Get me a book on the Civil War.
And tell research I want a complete
rundown on J . Paxton Miller.
His family background.
Will his wife be with him?
What brand of liquor does he drink?
And what kind of girls does he like?
That's a very good idea.
Thank you.
Develop it further, Leonard.
And here.
This isn't bad, either.
But what color is that floor?
Lilac.
Lilac? Leonard, who has a
lilac floor in their kitchen?
I have.
Oh!
Well, Leonard, everyone isn't
as artistic as you are.
We have to sell this wax to
average, ordinary, everyday people.
Yeah, them.
Carl, I've photographed this can
of Miller's Wax from every angle,
Carl, I've photographed this can
of Miller's Wax from every angle,
with every kind of lighting but
I just can't make it look good.
Well, I think you may have hit on
the key to the whole thing, Harold.
This can. It's unattractive.
So?
So Leonard designs a new one.
When? It's 10:30.
We'll be here half the night! I live
clear the other end of the Bronx.
Believe me, the agency
that lands this account
is the one that shows Mr.
Miller the most attractive can.
Most attractive.
More bourbon, Mr. Miller?
Just a touch.
Yes, sir!
She's most attractive!
You know, I'd like to meet her.
You're going to.
We're having a party with all those
rabbits... I mean girls, tonight.
Well, sir, I'll drink to that.
More bourbon?
Just a touch.
Rebel Davis.
Yes, she's distantly related to
Jefferson Davis, our great leader.
Did you say "our" leader?
I was raised here in the north,
but my heart remains loyal
to the place of my birth.
Virginia.
You're a Virginia boy?
Richmond.
Well, that's where I'm from!
You are kidding!
Borned and raised!
Well, to Richmond.
Of course!
So you're one of them
Virginia Websters.
My great-grandfather fought with the
Nineteenth Virginia Volunteers.
So did my grand-daddy.
He fell during Pickett's Charge.
Mine, too!
He was following that great and
gallant captain, Elijah E. Miller.
That was my grand-daddy!
Mr. Miller,
this is a hallowed moment.
More bourbon?
Just a touch.
Son, you hear?
They're playing our song!
On your feet, Yankees.
Yahoo!
That's what I call a party!
Gee, I'm sorry I missed it.
Say, man, what happened
to that house detective?
I don't know if he jumped
or somebody pushed him.
Penthouse, please.
You're a little late
for the party.
There was a party
in Mr. Miller's suite?
Not a party. The party!
Hey, Jack, how about
stopping off at my pad?
What for?
Look what I'm taking home.
You think that's something?
Hi.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr.
Miller.
You'll never find me.
Mr. Miller?
Sir, I'm Carol Templeton. I'm with
Brackett, MacAlpin and Gaines.
Have them sit down.
Mr. Miller, I have
an appointment with you,
to talk about handling
your advertising account.
I've signed with Jerry Webster.
Jerry... Of Ramsey and Son?
Of the Nineteeth
Virginia Volunteers.
But I've worked up a complete presentation.
A whole campaign.
Even a new container.
Here, let me show you.
I can't. I'm flying
back to Richmond.
When?
Now, honey, now.
We're just passing
over Pittsburgh.
Mr. Miller,
please open your eyes.
Why?
I've seen everything.
Just a touch.
Mr. Brackett, this man Webster is a
disgrace to the advertising business.
Mr. Brackett, this man Webster is a
disgrace to the advertising business.
He should be barred
from Madison Avenue!
I'd like nothing better.
This isn't the first account
he's taken away from us.
Then why don't you haul him up in
front of the Advertising Council
and charge him
with unethical conduct?
And who do you think will testify?
Miller? The girls?
Besides, there's no law against
entertaining a client.
Well, there must be a law against
that kind of entertaining.
It was a Roman orgy!
I saw this girl being carried
out in a bass-fiddle case.
You can imagine
what else went on.
Yeah!
Mr. Brackett, surely you don't
condone Webster's methods?
Of course not!
No ethical agency does.
Well, then, how does
he get away with it?
Ramsey and Son
has a fine reputation.
When the old man was alive,
he ruled with an iron hand.
I don't think young Ramsey
knows what's going on.
Then it's time
somebody told him.
Miss Templeton, you've only
been with us for a short time.
We've learned to live
with Mr. Webster.
He's like the common cold.
You know you're gonna get it
once or twice a year.
Mr. Brackett, there are two
ways to handle a cold,
you can fight it, or you can
give in and go to bed with it.
I intend to fight it!
Wait here.
Hey. Hey!
That's a cab zone.
Beat it, buddy.
I am not your buddy.
I happen to be Peter Ramsey.
I don't care if you're
Peter Rabbit. Beat it!
How would you like a fat lip?
Fine. Fine.
Harrison,
give him a fat lip!
Okay, so park there!
Hope Mr. Webster won't get angry. I've
never let a man into his apartment.
I assume full responsibility.
I am his employer.
All right, Mr. Webster.
Now hear this.
It has been brought
to my attention
that you are guilty of conduct unbecoming
an employee of Ramsey and Son.
You have embarked upon this course
without my knowledge or consent.
My father, the Commodore, would
not brook insubordination,
and now that the command
has passed to me,
by thunder, neither will I.
I demand a full and complete explanation
of these charges here and now,
or heads will roll.
Speak up, man. I'm waiting.
Do you realize
what you just broke?
My psychiatrist gave me that
to build up my confidence!
I ought to break your neck,
barging in on me like this.
Take it easy. Come on,
come on, come on!
I had a very rough morning.
Took a terrible tongue-lashing
from that Carol Templeton.
Who's that?
New account executive at
Brackett, MacAlpin and Gaines.
She accused you of pirating
the Miller Wax account.
She said you got Mr. Miller
tipsy and you got him a girl.
That's not true. I got him loaded
and there were seven girls.
Just a moment! Hey!
I'm head of the company.
You're accountable to me,
do you hear?
I leave the bridge for five minutes
and you steer the ship on the rocks!
I demand to know if your conduct
has been in the best interest
of Ramsey and Son.
That's sadistic.
Now you listen to me.
I was up all night in the best
interest of Ramsey and Son.
I landed a $5,000,000 account in the
best interest of Ramsey and Son.
And as for you
leaving the bridge,
you haven't been in the
office for two months.
And that's in the best
interest of Ramsey and Son.
I have a very good reason
for not going into the office.
It depresses the employees.
I discussed it with my analyst, Dr.
Melnick. He understands it.
He says I depress him, too.
Yeah, he's only human.
Well, you should
feel sorry for me!
You don't know what a handicap
it is to be born rich.
Some handicap.
Don't sneer.
Wealthy people are
hated and resented.
Look what's written
on the Statue of Liberty.
Does it say,
"Send me your rich"?
No, it says,
"Send me your poor."
We're not even welcome
in our own country.
It's all very well for you to laugh!
You're one of the lucky ones.
You were born in the slums.
That's lucky?
Of course it is. You had everything
going for you. Poverty, squalor...
There was only one way for you to go.
Up. But I started at the top.
I've done it the hard way.
Done what?
Taken over the helm
of Ramsey and Son.
And as president,
I've a right to know
what's been going on
since I've taken over.
Well, I'll tell you.
I've landed ten new accounts.
There's a lot more to advertising
than just landing accounts.
The big job is
selling the product.
Give me a well-stacked dame
in a bathing suit,
and I'll sell aftershave
lotion to beatniks.
Girls again! What's this
obsession you have with girls?
I was a poor kid, remember? I
didn't have toys to play with.
See? I told you
it's a handicap to be rich.
Get me that green tie.
Right.
What about Miss Templeton?
What am I gonna say to her?
Nothing.
I'll say it for you.
Oh, good.
Tell her that we're very
sorry for what happened.
And that if she's willing
to forgive and forget,
why, that henceforth we will conduct
ourselves in a manner beyond reproach.
Carol Templeton, please.
Jerry Webster calling.
Ramsey and Son.
Assure her of our
high moral character.
Yes, Mr. Webster.
Mr. Ramsey here tells me
that you spoke to him.
And I'd like to ask you a favor.
Will you kindly keep your big,
fat nose out of my business?
No! No!
If the competition's too tough, get
out of the advertising profession.
You aren't even in
the advertising profession.
And if I weren't a lady, I'd tell
you what profession you are in.
Tell me anyway. Well,
let me put it this way.
I don't use sex
to land an account!
When do you use it?
I don't!
My condolences to your husband.
I'm not married.
That figures.
What do you mean "that figures"?
Well, a husband
would be competition.
There's only room
for one man in a family.
Let me tell you something,
Mr. Webster.
I wish I were a man right now!
Keep trying.
I think you'll make it.
Oh! Despicable!
Millie, get me the phone
number of a Miss Rebel Davis.
She works at the Bunny Club.
Your trouble is you're still living
in the shadow of your father.
You're even afraid
to get rid of his old car.
You don't realize how
completely he dominated me,
ever since I was a little boy.
Just once, I spoke back to him.
He cut a switch from a tree
and gave me such a whipping...
In front of this girl.
It was
a shattering experience.
Pete, all kids get whippings.
But I was 25.
The girl was my fiance.
Hello?
Hello, you no-good,
double-crossing, low-down liar!
Rebel, honey,
what's the trouble?
There's trouble?
You promised me I was gonna
be the Miller Wax girl,
and now Mr. Miller says
there ain't even gonna be one!
Carol Templeton
surely was right about you.
Carol Templeton?
Are we in trouble?
When did you talk to her?
Oh, never you mind.
She wants me to go to
the Advertising Council
and tell them about
those parties you throw.
And I'm gonna do it!
Don't you go near the Advertising Council!
I'll be right over.
We're in trouble, aren't we?
I can handle it.
Now, see here.
As head of the agency,
I have a right to know.
Are we in trouble?
Yes, we're in trouble.
You shouldn't have told me.
Jerry Webster,
you get out of here!
Now, honey,
let's talk this over.
I'll do my talking
to the Advertising Council!
Sugar lump.
I am not your sugar lump!
And stop nibbling on me.
You've been promising to put me
on television for two years.
Baby. Baby.
You are not gonna nibble
your way out of this one!
I'm gonna tell that
Advertising Council plenty!
Okay.
Go ahead, tell them.
There isn't going to be any Miller
Wax girl, but also tell them why.
Tell them how I canceled
when I found out
they were gonna hide
that glorious figure
under a long gingham housedress.
That's like hiding a Rembrandt
under a dishtowel.
Tell them everything.
Tell them how I turned down, for
two years, sponsor after sponsor,
looking for the right product.
The perfect product
for you to represent.
Tell them I finally found one.
What is it?
Something.
Would've made you more famous
than Miss Rheingold and the
Schweppes man put together.
Well, what is it?
A brand-new product.
It's different.
It's exciting.
What is it?
Well, it's...
VIP.
VIP?
I was going to make you
the VIP girl.
What's VIP?
VIP?
It's the product that would have
brought you fame and fortune.
The key that would have opened
the golden door to Hollywood.
And you turned it down.
No, I didn't!
Jerry! Jerry, wait.
Honey! Honey!
I didn't turn it down.
Same thing.
We're filming the VIP
commercials at 1:00.
I've got to pick out
another girl.
Oh, no, you don't!
I wanna be the VIP girl.
Forget it, you had your chance.
Oh, honey, please. Don't go. Come back.
Give me another chance.
I'll do anything you say.
Please!
Well, I...
Please.
Well, all right.
It's him!
Let's face it, Charlie. Either
you've got it or you haven't.
He's got it.
VIP commercial, number 3.
Okay, Rebel, action.
Hi there, I'm the VIP girl.
Everything I've got,
I owe to VIP.
I'm just a slave to any man
who uses VIP.
Good things have been happening
to me since I discovered VIP.
I got my man when I got VIP.
Oh, yes, folks,
everything I got...
I owe to VIP.
Cut. Okay,
Rebel, that's it.
Wrap it up.
Thanks, Bob.
What do you want done with these
commercials, Mr. Webster?
Put them on the shelf.
On the shelf?
Call me about it later, will you?
Rebel, you were fabulous.
Do you think they'll
like me on television?
Honey, single-handed. You may
bring in the 40-inch screen.
When are they going to be on?
Well, I...
I haven't got the deal
locked up yet.
But as soon as the sponsor
sees you, it's in the bag.
Now hurry and get dressed. You're
due at the Ad Council at 3:00.
But I don't want to
testify against you.
Don't worry, you won't.
But they'll ask me questions.
Here are the answers.
Memorize this.
And wear this around your neck.
Couldn't I just not show up?
That won't stop Templeton.
But this will.
And don't worry, honey. I'll
tell you every move to make.
Wait, what is this?
"Veritas et..."
Veritas et robitas super omnia.
That's Latin. That means,
truth and honor, above all.
You say
that's Mr. Webster's motto?
That's the code
by which he lives.
Many is the night
he's walked me to my door,
bowed, kissed my hand
and said, "Rebel,
"Veritas et robitas
super omnia."
This is ridiculous!
Miss Templeton, will you please
stop challenging your own witness?
Obviously, she has been coached.
Or bribed.
He gave you something,
didn't he?
Sit down!
It's true.
He did give me something.
This.
He asked me to wear it over my heart.
He got it in the army.
Gentlemen,
it's the Good Conduct Medal.
Oh, well!
Would you care to look?
Yes, indeed.
Most inspiring.
May I?
Oh, sure.
Takes me back a few years
to my own army days.
Magnificent!
Miss Templeton, would you...
Would you move on, please?
Gentlemen, if we're through admiring Mr.
Webster's trophies,
I'd like to ask
Miss Davis to tell us
about that wild party
he threw last night.
You mean the revival meeting?
Mr. Webster held a revival?
Revival is right! Everyone
there had to be revived.
You're making some
very serious charges
against a man who is not here
to defend himself.
And that's a very interesting point.
Why isn't he here?
Miss Davis, do you know
where Mr. Webster is?
Oh, yes. He's at the Red
Cross, donating his blood.
Oh, well, that does it. They wouldn't
take his blood. It's 86 proof!
And why would he be there
at this particular moment?
That's where he's meeting
with his Boy Scout troop.
He's a Scout leader?
He's taking them on a hike
to Inspiration Point.
The top of
the Chrysler Building.
The top of the Chrysler Building
is not Inspiration Point.
Why, it is to Mr. Webster.
It looks down on Madison Avenue.
Miss Templeton, have you
anything further to say?
Yes.
I'd like my body
sent back to the agency.
That was quite a performance
you gave in there, Miss Davis.
You ain't mad at me?
Oh, no!
You should be an actress.
I am. I'm going to Hollywood, just as
soon as I'm famous as the VIP girl.
The VIP girl? What's VIP?
It's a brand-new product. Mr.
Webster's trying to get the account.
Oh?
This is gonna be my big chance.
And mine!
Millie,
drop whatever you're doing.
We're going
after the VIP account.
The what account?
VIP. V-I-P.
Never heard of it.
Well, then find out about it.
All I know is Jerry Webster's
trying to land it,
but we're gonna beat him to it.
Are you sure you wanna tangle
with him again? He fights rough.
Then we'll fight rough!
This is war, Millie!
That means liquor, wild parties,
getting the sponsor girls, right?
Right.
Good.
I'd like to volunteer
for frontline duty.
Well, my boy, we did it.
We have been completely
absolved by the Ad Council.
Yes.
We really put that Templeton
woman in her place, too.
Yes, we did.
And we deserve a reward.
A vacation.
We're going up to Dad's old hunting lodge
in Canada and do nothing but relax.
No radio, no television,
no telephones.
A thousand miles
from the nearest sponsor.
That sounds great.
Is it all right for you
to be away from Dr. Melnick?
Must be. He's the one
who suggested it.
Well, what do you say
you go upstairs and pack?
No, I'm going down to the office first.
Gotta check on things.
You go pack. I'll handle
things at the office.
You?
Melnick says I've gotta
start making decisions.
Well, good, grand.
That man has worked
miracles with me. Miracles!
You know, everyone should
go through analysis.
Not everyone can afford it.
That's the tragedy of it.
Look at these poor people.
They go through life,
contented, happy, laughing,
never knowing how sick they are.
You're sick! Sick!
Just a minute. You can't come in here.
Who are you?
I'm Peter Ramsey.
Oh, Mr. Ramsey.
Who are you?
I'm your secretary.
You're not Elsie.
No, sir. I'm Deborah.
Elsie got married
five weeks ago. Jerry...
Mr. Webster hired me.
Uh-huh.
Well, if there are any
calls today, I'm not in.
Yes, sir.
Yeah?
Well, how are we down there
in the copy department?
Are we on the ball?
Got the big picture in mind?
Come on, nutsy, who is this?
This is the boss.
I'm sorry, I didn't recognize
your voice, Mr. Webster.
This is Peter Ramsey.
Who is this?
Hello? Hello?
Memo. To all departments.
Insubordination.
It has come to my attention that
certain department heads...
Yes, Hadley, come in, come in.
Oh, Mr. Ramsey, I'm sorry.
I was looking for Mr. Webster.
Anything I can handle?
No, sir.
I need a decision.
Now, look here, Hadley. I happen
to be president of this company.
If there are any decisions
to be made, I'll make them.
Well, it really isn't important.
I'll decide what's important around
here, Hadley. Now, what is it?
Well...
Comco Film Studios are calling,
and they wanna know what to do
with the VIP commercials
that Mr. Webster made.
Yes.
Well.
What do we usually do with commercials?
We show them.
Mr. Webster didn't brief me
on the VIP account.
Well, it's a lucky thing I'm here to
backstop this operation, isn't it?
You're familiar
with the VIP account?
Who do you think
put the deal together?
Oh. Well,
congratulations, sir.
Well, with a new product,
Mr. Webster usually starts off with a
saturation campaign on television,
you know,
to get the ball rolling.
Let's forget about Mr. Webster, shall we?
I'm rolling this ball.
Yes, sir.
We'll start off with a saturation
campaign on television.
Yes, sir. Right away.
Hello, Dr. Melnick?
Peter Ramsey.
I've done it, Doc.
I made a decision. Yeah.
And it was a beauty!
$425 for a private detective?
Why?
To find Jerry Webster and
track down the VIP account.
Did you find him?
No. Did you find
out who makes VIP?
Well, no...
Did you find out what VIP is?
No. But...
Well, as long as
it's money well spent.
I want you to forget the VIP account.
Webster's got it.
But I don't believe it.
Rebel Davis,
the VIP girl herself,
told me he did not
have the account locked up.
And that same day, he disappeared.
Now, something is wrong.
Well, what about all those commercials
that have been on television all week?
I still say something's wrong.
Mr. Brackett, please give me just a little
more time and I'll prove it to you.
Okay.
But if this detective doesn't
find what you're looking for,
there's something else
he might try finding for you.
A new job?
Exactly.
I already told him.
This is the forest primeval,
just as it was
at the dawn of civilization.
And this is how
the first man explored it,
in a birch-bark canoe,
pitting his skill and strength
against the raw forces of nature.
Survival of the fittest,
that's the law here.
I think Harrison
has run out of road.
Good, he might
scare away the game.
What is that?
The mating call of the moose.
This call is
absolutely irresistible.
Your bull moose
will run for 20 miles,
he will crash through any barrier,
to get to the source of this call.
And what happens
if he gets there?
I take his picture.
Pete, he's not running
20 miles to get photographed.
Now, I suggest you
stop blowing that horn.
You just leave
the decisions to me.
The same wise leadership
that saved us from a costly blunder back
in New York will see us through here.
What costly blunder?
You've been so relaxed
and happy this trip,
I haven't wanted to tell you.
You goofed.
If it weren't for me, those VIP commercials
wouldn't be on the air right now.
The VIP commercials are on?
A saturation campaign, my boy.
Now, Pete, don't panic.
Just turn around!
What's wrong?
Turn around!
What's wrong? Start paddling!
We've got to get back.
What's wrong? Tell me. Save
your breath and start paddling.
I have a right to know. There's
no such product as VIP.
But...
But you made films!
I know I did. They were phonies
to keep Rebel in line.
You and your women. I told you
sex would get you into trouble!
Never mind me. Convince that
fella coming towards us.
Here she is!
Look at these letters,
telegrams.
Drugstores, markets,
wholesalers calling up.
All these people want VIP.
We have sold a product
that doesn't exist.
We have ruined the great
agency of Ramsey and Son.
Relax, Pete.
Dad will kill me!
Pete, your dad's dead and gone!
No, he isn't.
He's around someplace.
He wouldn't go away and leave this
business with someone like me.
Don't just sit there.
Let's do something!
Send Hadley in.
That's it. Hadley.
We'll pin the rap on him.
Sure! It's our word against his. Two
against one. Let them break Hadley.
He's not a senior executive.
He's expendable.
That's the way
Dad would've done it.
Hadley.
Come in, come in, Hadley.
Hadley, Webster here has
something he wants to tell you.
Telephone Comco Films.
Tell them we wanna make more
VIP commercials right away.
More VIP commercials?
On the double, Hadley.
Right.
Are you out of your mind?
There's no such product as VIP.
There will be.
All of these people are ready
to spend money on VIP.
It's only fair that
we give it to them.
Where do we get it?
We invent it.
Oh.
Well, can we do that?
Why not?
That's not the way it's done.
You're supposed to have the product first.
Then you go out and sell it.
Pete, you are
pioneering a method
that'll make you a legend
on Madison Avenue.
It will?
The most convincing demonstration of the
power of advertising ever conceived.
You have sold a product
that doesn't exist.
Yes! By thunder!
Even Dad didn't do that.
Right.
I don't think I better either.
You have no choice.
Either we come up with VIP
or you're ruined.
Kelly, tell accounting
I want five $1,000 bills.
Also get me the address
of Dr. Linus Tyler.
Linus Tyler?
He's the only chemist
who can come up with VIP.
No, no. He's a troublemaker.
He's dangerous non-conformist.
He's been fired by three companies.
Why pick him?
Because he's brilliant, available
and he probably needs money.
No. Money can't buy him.
He's incorruptible.
And as Dad always said, a man who
can't be bribed can't be trusted.
Isn't it comforting to know
that you can trust me?
Boss. Boss, your private eye just called.
Webster's back in town
Boss. Boss, your private eye just called.
Webster's back in town
and he followed him to this
address in Greenwich Village.
Dr. Linus Tyler.
Who's he?
Well, he won the Nobel Prize
in chemistry.
He's the one who did that testimonial
for Mother Murphy's Home-Made Soup.
Remember?
No.
Well, they asked him
to analyze the soup,
go on TV and tell the people what
Mother Murphy was putting in it.
He did. Broke the company
and jailed Mother Murphy.
Millie, why would Jerry Webster be
interested in a brilliant chemist?
VIP?
VIP.
I'll bet you
Tyler's the inventor!
You're wasting your time,
Mr. Webster.
Nothing could induce me
to again associate myself
with that dull, insipid little
group called the human race.
Well, that's a very wise decision, Doctor.
You've quit the world!
They didn't appreciate me
when they had me, the fools.
Now let them suffer.
They want to be misled.
I once invented a hair tonic superior
to anything else on the market.
Would the public buy it?
Not until they were told it contained
a secret ingredient, TR2748.
Do you know what TR2748 was?
My phone number.
And now with VIP, the idiots
have reached the millennium.
They've bought nothing!
That's right.
Unless you
come up with something.
Never!
Here, in the comfort and
security of my laboratory,
I'm serenely happy and content.
And I have the companionship of the
one person worthy of my company.
Myself.
I want for nothing.
You're the one man
who can do it.
I will never again
prostitute my genius.
Not for all the gold
on Madison Avenue.
How soon do you need it?
Welcome back to the world,
Doctor.
We're completely versatile.
VIP can be anything.
Soft drink, skin lotion, soap,
cigarettes, toothpaste, anything.
The important thing, Doctor,
is speed.
Now, if I can help you
in any way...
Oh, well, it's very
kind of you to offer.
If you'll carry on here, I'll get
some supplies from the store room.
Fine.
Dr. Tyler?
Oh, I...
I'm Carol Templeton.
Carol Templeton.
Doctor, I would like to
talk with you about VIP.
It is your product, isn't it?
Yes, I invented it.
Good.
Doctor, have you signed
with Jerry Webster?
Why?
Well,
I'm with another agency.
And I have some marvelous
ideas for advertising VIP.
Really?
Yes.
And if you don't like
what I've got, I'll get more.
Fair enough.
I'll be at your disposal
day and night.
I see.
Doctor, there's nothing I
won't do to get this account.
No, I haven't signed
with Webster.
Oh, Dr. Tyler, I'm so happy.
I know this is going to work out.
Yes.
I think it has possibilities.
Shall we sit down,
and I'll tell you my ideas?
No. Not here.
It's too dangerous.
All these experiments...
You mean
there could be an explosion?
Exactly.
If I'm not careful, this
whole thing can blow up.
"V Day is coming."
I like it.
I like it very much.
Thank you, Doctor.
Got any more ideas?
Well, not yet. But I could put
the whole office to work on it.
Good! Good.
As soon as you tell me
what VIP is.
Well, that's a problem.
Problem?
Mmm-hmm.
You see, Mr. Webster's
whole strategy is secrecy.
To get people talking about
VIP and wondering what it is.
And I promised him I wouldn't
reveal it to anyone.
So, until I decide whether to
sign with him or someone else,
I feel I must
respect my promise.
Naturally.
And I admire your integrity.
Well, Miss Templeton, I have
a code by which I live,
and I told this to Webster, too.
Veritas et robitas super omnia.
So that's where he stole it!
I beg your pardon?
Doctor, I wonder if you know the
kind of man you're dealing with.
Webster?
Yes.
No. I guess I don't.
I've only seen him
a dozen or so times.
Well, what's your opinion?
Oh, I prefer to reserve
judgment till I see him sober.
Oh.
Doesn't that tell you
what he is?
Miss Templeton, as my uncle,
the missionary, used to say,
"If thou canst not speak well
of a man, speak not at all."
You make me feel
ashamed of myself.
Oh, no. Please, I...
It's just that I cannot presume
to judge my fellow man.
I am but a humble chemist.
Oh, no, you're a genius
and a great humanitarian.
And I want to know you better.
Doctor, there's so much
I can learn from you.
As my father, the philosopher,
used to say,
"Knock at my door
and I shall take you in."
Dr. Tyler, I'm knocking.
Miss Templeton,
I'm taking you in.
And it was there, in the seclusion
of my little basement laboratory,
that the idea came to me for
this wonderful new product.
For a while, I was determined
not to share it with the world
that had so cruelly
disillusioned me.
But then, one night, I remembered
the words of my grandfather,
the philanthropist.
"The joy of living
is the joy of giving."
Oh, my!
What a magnificent family!
Missionary, philanthropist...
Yes.
...philosopher, doctor.
Doctor?
You!
Oh, yes. Me.
When you said doctor,
I could only think of my
brother, the jungle surgeon.
He was the real doctor.
Was?
Yes. He went into the interior to
treat this tribe of sick natives,
got them back on their feet,
restored their health and appetites,
discovered too late
they were cannibals.
Oh, how awful!
Yes.
His last words were,
"Better me than Schweitzer."
You mean they have
advertising in Nebraska?
Oh, yes.
Of course, it was a small
advertising agency, in Omaha.
But somehow one of my ads came to
the attention of Mr. Brackett,
and he offered me a job
here in New York.
And how do you like
Madison Avenue?
Oh, I love it.
I love the creative challenge
of advertising.
It's the social challenge that
presents a bit of a problem.
Yes, you see, Doctor,
in my business,
I'm called upon to do a certain
amount of entertaining.
And that usually involves
a certain amount of drinking.
And that's a problem?
Yes.
You see, I don't drink.
Neither do I.
It's not that I object to it. It's
just that I cannot tolerate alcohol.
Even one little glass of champagne and
I become completely irresponsible.
I might do anything.
Is that a fact?
Yes.
As a chemist, you
probably understand. Yes.
I might even be able
to do something about it.
Would you try?
You may depend on it.
Say, I'd better be getting back.
Mr. Webster said something
about dinner tonight.
Oh, don't have dinner with him.
What?
Let me take you to dinner.
Doctor, there's so much
I want to talk to you about.
And I'll have
more ideas for VIP.
Well, I...
Please!
All right.
Good.
I'll pick you up at
7:00 at your lab. Fine.
Oh, no. Not there.
I'm moving.
Mr. Webster thinks I should
live in better surroundings,
and so he's getting me
a hotel suite.
Oh, don't let him do that!
I mean,
I'll get you a hotel suite.
Oh, Miss Templeton,
I couldn't accept...
But my agency
will pay for it. Please!
But you don't even know
I'll give you the VIP account.
I know that you'll make
a fair and wise decision.
A woman instinctively senses
when a man can be trusted.
And you, Doctor, can be trusted.
Excuse me.
Believe me, Rockefeller couldn't
buy a better suit than this.
$24.95 and I throw in
a pair of knickers.
Nope.
Haven't you got the kind of suit that
was in style five or six years ago?
Have we got one.
Esther! Bring down the suit we
made for Prince Rainier's wedding.
Prince or no prince, he didn't
pick it up, he loses it.
One, two, three, together.
One, two, three, together.
Doctor.
One...
I think that I should
have explained.
You see, on "together" you bring
your feet together, not us.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
You're doing very well.
One, two, three, together.
You see, actually, we should be
together all the time, like so.
And this way I can sense
what your next move will be.
How about that?
It's awfully nice of you
to teach me.
It's my pleasure.
I taught a Nobel Prize winner.
Oh, really? Who?
Oh, Dr. Tyler.
You're very modest.
Oh, well...
I never think of myself
as a Nobel Prize winner.
It's my cousin Maurice
who should have it.
And he will,
if he ever gets back.
Gets back?
Yes.
Will you swear never to repeat
what I'm about to tell you?
I swear.
Central intelligence refers to my
cousin as the "human satellite."
You mean...
Yes.
He was launched from Cape
Canaveral four days ago.
Every 97 minutes, Maurice
passes over this Supper Club.
Now you can understand why I
don't like to talk about myself.
I'm having such a wonderful time.
Good.
I really hate to leave.
Where are you going?
I have a meeting
with Mr. Webster.
Oh, Doctor, why?
Well, I... Please, sit down.
Sit down.
Now, I'm not even
thinking about business,
but I just hate to see you associate
with someone like Webster.
You're so cultured,
so refined, so...
You're so nice.
No.
Go ahead.
Say it. "Innocent."
That's what I am.
You're a gentleman.
I'm dull.
There's one phase of my education
that's completely lacking.
But Mr. Webster is the kind of man
who can teach me what I've missed.
Oh, Doctor.
You've missed nothing.
He had a long talk with me.
I've missed it.
Believe me, there's nothing worthwhile
you can learn from Webster.
No, I find him very intriguing,
in a man-to-man sort of way.
Anyway, I've never even seen the
kind of places he wants to show me.
What places?
Well, I'm kind of embarrassed...
Doctor, you know you can talk to me.
Where's he taking you?
Well, it's kind of
a nightclub...
They have these girls...
They remove their...
They strip!
Say, I think
that's the word he used!
Anyway, he said I'd enjoy it.
Do you think you'd enjoy
watching a girl undress?
I don't know.
But I'm willing
to give it a try.
All right.
If you want to see a burlesque
show, you don't need Mr. Webster.
I'll take you.
You?
Me.
Oh, waiter.
Check, please.
Hey, Charlie, isn't that him?
I think it is.
Keep the change, please.
Thank you.
Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a
suite at the Royal Plaza Hotel.
You know, it just doesn't seem right, a
man letting a woman pay for everything.
Well, you're not exactly
an ordinary man.
It's him.
I wonder why he grew the beard.
When has he got time to shave?
Wow!
Remarkable muscle control!
Remarkable.
Say, how do you suppose
she was able to...
I really wouldn't know.
Doctor, would you please stop...
I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry
we went to that place.
Are you?
Yes.
From now on, I'll leave that phase
of my education to Mr. Webster.
You mean, you found watching
that girl educational?
We never studied anything
like that at MIT.
The only girls I saw
were in the chemistry lab,
and they had on those long,
white coats.
I had no idea what was
going on under those coats!
Doctor, do you mind
if we change the subject?
No.
Thank you.
What would you like
to talk about?
Anything but Jerry Webster.
Fine.
You hate this suit, don't you?
Oh, no, no.
Of course not.
It's very colorful.
I'm afraid it's the only
new suit I have.
But tomorrow I'm getting
a whole new wardrobe from...
Oh, I forgot. You don't
wanna talk about him.
Webster's buying you
a new wardrobe?
He insisted.
Oh, Doctor, let me buy it.
Oh, I couldn't.
But I've told you that
my agency is paying for it.
They've given me a carte Blanche
expense account just for you.
We'll go first thing
in the morning.
And Linus?
Yes?
How long have you
had that beard?
Don't you like it?
Yes, I do.
It's very impressive.
Makes you look so
distinguished, so intellectual.
So handsome.
It's magnificent. You'd
like me to get rid of it.
Would you?
Say!
Your husband's a real doll
without the beard!
Yes!
I mean, he's not my husband.
I don't like it.
It's too dangerous.
Maybe she'll go back to the lab.
Maybe she'll find out
you're not Tyler.
Maybe she'll find out
there's no VIP.
Maybe Tyler won't come up with VIP.
Maybe the world will end.
Do you think there's a chance?
Relax, Pete. I'm gonna keep Miss
Templeton busy day and night.
What about all these orders?
People want VIP.
They demand it now. We haven't got it.
We'll get it.
Down in that lab, one of the most brilliant
chemists in the world is working on it.
He may even have it, right now.
Dr. Tyler!
Over here, my boy.
What exploded?
VIP!
Now, look, Doc. I know I
said it could be toothpaste,
but isn't this cleaning teeth
the hard way?
It's nothing as mundane
as toothpaste.
Now, somewhere I made a slight mistake.
It all looked so simple.
Do you know yet what VIP
is gonna be?
Of course, my boy. VIP will
be the miracle product.
It'll bring relief to the
suffering, joy to the depressed,
inspiration to the artistic
and peace to the world,
and it will sell
for only ten cents.
Doc, that's fabulous.
It is a miracle product.
How soon will you have it?
The product I have, there are
still a few bugs in the miracle.
Keep at it, Linus.
VIP will make you immortal.
Thank you. Boss!
I brought the mail.
I'll be
right there, Millie.
How's the hermit?
Who?
The mad chemist, Dr. Tyler.
Oh, Linus. He's fine.
Linus!
We're spending the day together.
We're playing golf.
Hallelujah!
Today, you are a woman.
Think he'll like it?
Well, if he doesn't, he's been
taking the wrong kind of chemicals.
That was fun!
You know, you did amazingly
well for only one lesson.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I made you
drive so far out.
Such a lonely stretch of beach.
That's all right.
Really, Linus, you shouldn't be embarrassed
to have people see you like that.
Well, I...
No, you look wonderful
without your clothes.
So do you.
I meant...
So did I.
Carol, I...
Yes?
There's something
I'd like to ask you.
Go ahead.
I'm afraid
you might misunderstand.
No. Ask it.
Well, I...
Do you have
any more ideas for VIP?
What?
Well, I hate to ask it,
but after what
Mr. Webster said...
What did he say?
When I mentioned your idea
about "V Day is coming,"
he said it was all right but probably
the last one you'd ever have.
What? He said you were
strictly a one-idea person.
If anybody on Madison Avenue was
a one-idea person, it's him.
His whole career's been
built on one idea. Sex.
You know, it's a funny
thing about you two.
You claim he's oversexed
and he claims you're...
I'm what?
I'd rather not tell you.
Well, I'm not undersexed!
I'm sure you're not.
It's true, I haven't come up
with any new thoughts.
But we've been having so much
fun the last few days and...
I promise, tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna bring you a
half-a-dozen great ideas for VIP.
Good! That'll teach Webster.
Now, let's talk about
something more inspiring.
I wonder where Maurice is.
Who?
Your cousin.
The human satellite.
Oh, him.
Right now, he's over Russia.
Oh, brave, wonderful man.
Yes.
I've often pondered
his last words to me.
They were so cryptic.
What did he say?
He said, "Cousin Linus,
"life is like outer space.
Explore it today,
"for tomorrow you may not be able
to get it off the launching pad."
I wonder what he meant.
He meant, enjoy life now,
before it's too late.
You know, there is something
I'd enjoy doing right now.
But I don't know how.
Well, let's see.
I've taught you dancing, golf,
how to swim...
What is it you'd like to do now?
I'd like
to kiss you, but I...
That's even easier than dancing.
I think this may be
your best subject.
Hi, Kelly.
Mr. Ramsey's been trying to reach you.
Oh, thank you.
He's at your apartment.
My apartment?
He says it's very urgent.
Hello, Pete? What are you
doing at my apartment?
Waiting for you.
How are things going
with Dr. Tyler?
Oh, things are going
lousy with Dr. Tyler.
Get over here right away. Why
don't you come to the office?
I tried to. I've been thrown
out of the lobby, twice.
I'll be right there.
It's no use.
I'm marked for life.
Have you tried alcohol?
Yes. I had three martinis.
I warned you
not to hire that madman!
Here, try this kind.
Thanks. No, no, no. Rub
it on your face. Here.
He's not a chemist. He's a
frustrated munitions maker.
He'll never come up with VIP.
We'll be exposed.
This'll be the biggest scandal
that ever hit Madison Avenue.
The agency's through.
We're ruined.
There's only one way out.
Suicide.
All right, all right.
It'll work. We'll get
Hadley to commit suicide.
Then we'll pin the blame on him.
You may have a little trouble
selling that idea to Hadley.
He wouldn't dare refuse.
His job depends on it.
- We'll go see Tyler first thing in the
morning. -00.
No, sir, you're not getting
out of my sight again.
We're sticking together
till we get VIP.
Okay, you can stay here tonight.
You can even have the bed.
I'll take the couch.
Is the alcohol working?
Yes, it is.
My face isn't purple anymore?
No, it isn't.
Thanks.
He stole it!
I'm coming.
Linus!
What are you doing here?
Where am I?
Well, this is
Jerry Webster's apartment.
How did you get here?
Are you all right?
Try to think.
I am.
Was he waiting for you
at your hotel last night?
Yes, that's it.
But how did he get you to come here?
Well, I...
Let me see.
He probably gave you
something to drink.
Yes, that's how he did it.
Well, you should have refused.
Well, I...
I would have ordinarily,
but I was so dizzy from
that cigarette he gave me.
What kind of cigarette?
I don't know.
It didn't have
any printing on it.
Oh, Linus!
Oh, that depraved monster!
It's time somebody...
Wait!
You'd better let me look first.
You can't go in there.
Why not?
Because he's not alone.
You mean there's a...
Two!
Both famous actresses.
Hurry up and dress.
We're getting out of here.
They're waking up.
Come on!
Oh, I...
We're getting out of here.
Where will I get dressed?
At my place.
I'm not leaving you
with those actresses.
There goes Superman.
Makes you realize
how old we're getting.
Yeah. If he doesn't slow down,
he's gonna catch up with us.
You know, I just can't believe Webster
would steal someone else's idea.
Well, you're so decent
and honorable yourself,
it's hard for you
to think ill of anyone.
Yes, I guess
I do trust everybody.
Oh, I've put your things in the
maid's room. You can change in there.
Thank you.
Where's your maid?
I don't have one.
I just use it as a guest room.
Oh.
You know, I almost hate
to go back to the hotel.
Webster's bound to come over and I don't
feel like talking to him right now.
Well, don't go back
to the hotel.
Maybe I shouldn't. I'm kind of
disillusioned with Webster.
Well, I should think so.
Maybe I shouldn't let him
handle the VIP account.
Whatever you think, Linus.
It's your decision.
If only I had a quiet, secluded place
where I could think about this overnight.
Some place where Webster
couldn't find me.
Linus?
I know a place where Webster
would never find you.
Really? Where?
Right here, in that guest room.
In your apartment?
Alone with you?
All night?
But it's really like
a separate apartment.
You have a lock on the door
and your own back entrance.
Well, I don't know.
Oh, Linus.
We're adults.
Yes, but...
Now, look at it
calmly and sensibly.
You won't be disturbed here.
Right?
Right.
You can concentrate
on what you want to do.
Well, that's true.
Well, then. For what you have in
mind, isn't this the best place?
Yes, I guess maybe it is.
Doc, I don't care how you
do it, or what it is.
We've got to have VIP tomorrow.
But what I'm working on
is highly volatile.
What I'm working on
is highly volatile, too.
That only gives me tonight.
Believe me, Doc,
I'm in the same boat.
Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. Brackett.
I'm here with Mr. Gaines.
He just got back from Florida.
And I'm filling him in on the VIP account.
How does it look?
Marvelous! In fact...
Dr. Tyler's having dinner
here at my place tonight.
Fine.
We'll expect good news
in the morning. Good night.
Well, looks pretty good. Dr. Tyler's
having dinner at her apartment tonight.
Linus Tyler, in a woman's apartment?
Why not?
Miss Templeton is
very attractive.
Look, I know Tyler.
He's a confirmed woman-hater.
Yeah. Maybe he used to be.
But Jenkins from the art department saw
them dancing together the other night.
Linus Tyler, out dancing?
Something's wrong, John.
Come on.
Where are we going?
Greenwich Village, to see Tyler.
More coffee?
No, thank you very much.
You know,
I have a small bottle of
champagne someone gave me once.
And I debated
whether to open it tonight.
But knowing how susceptible
we both are...
You were absolutely right.
And in view of the situation,
being here alone as we are.
I think that we should be especially...
Definitely.
Well, I'll help you
with the dishes.
Oh, I wouldn't think of it.
It's a woman's job.
Well.
Just make yourself comfortable.
It's 10:30.
I'd better be getting to bed.
Oh.
Thank you
for a delightful evening.
You're a wonderful cook,
charming company,
and some day, you're gonna make
some man a very fine wife.
Thank you, Linus.
And some day, you're going to make
some lucky woman a very fine husband.
That's kind of you.
I'm afraid I could never
get married. Good night.
Wait!
Why can't you get married?
It's the sort of thing a man
doesn't discuss with a nice woman.
Oh, Linus.
What is it?
Carol, I'm going to say
something that'll shock you.
Do you know who I wish I were right
at this moment? Jerry Webster!
Oh, no!
Yes.
Why? Because he's
everything I'm not,
and want to be.
He's a man of the world.
He's smooth, he's confident,
he's experienced.
He's a real man.
You're the real man!
Am I?
Yes.
Look at me.
Here I am with a beautiful
girl alone in her apartment.
10:30 and for me the evening is over.
I'm through.
Oh, Linus! Do you know what
Jerry Webster would do?
In two minutes, he'd maneuver
you into that bedroom!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know what I was saying.
I didn't mean it.
I know you didn't...
But I feel so insecure.
Oh, Linus,
stop torturing yourself.
Now you know why I'm afraid
to get married.
I'm afraid.
Afraid I'll be a failure.
But you won't.
I know.
A woman knows these things.
Don't lie to me, please. I'd rather
have your scorn than your pity.
Linus, listen to me.
It isn't pity, and I didn't lie.
Yesterday at the beach you
kissed me and I was thrilled.
A kiss?
What does that prove?
It's like finding out
you can light a stove.
It still doesn't
make you a cook.
Linus, listen to me.
Look at me.
I can't. I'm too ashamed.
Forget me, Carol.
You deserve a man,
not a mass of neurotic doubts.
Oh, Linus,
you mustn't have these doubts.
You're tearing yourself apart.
You're a fine man, a brilliant man.
Sure. Brilliant chemist!
Phi Beta Kappa!
Nobel Prize winner!
I'd trade all of my knowledge
to know one thing.
How to make a woman love me.
You can.
No. I can't.
That's not true.
You're a kind, sensitive person.
But am I the kind of man
a woman could love?
Of course you are.
But I don't know
and it's killing me.
Linus, don't do this
to yourself!
Any woman would love you.
If only I could be sure of that.
Wait here.
Shall I resist my heart?
Shall I deny its splendor?
Shall I insist we part?
Should I surrender?
Should I be fire or ice?
Should I be firm or tender?
Should I be bad or nice?
Should I surrender?
His pleading words so tenderly
entreat me
Is this the night that love
finally defeats me?
Should I avoid his touch?
Should I be a shy pretender?
Should I admit I'd much
rather surrender?
Surrender
Surrender
Surrender
Yes?
Miss Templeton, I don't usually
discharge employees over the phone,
but in your case,
I'm making an exception.
I just left Dr. Linus Tyler, and
he said he never heard of you!
What?
But that's impossible!
He's here right now.
I don't know who you're entertaining,
but it's not Linus Tyler!
Oh.
Oh!
Oh.
Carol?
Yes, darling?
Take my hand.
I'm not afraid anymore.
Oh, that's good.
What are you going to do?
I'm going to give you
confidence.
Be gentle.
Of course, darling.
Remember that lovely, lonely stretch
of beach where we first kissed?
Let's go back there.
Now?
Yes.
We'll recapture the magic
of that moment.
But I feel pretty magic
right here.
There's a full moon.
We'll have a midnight swim.
But it's 30 miles.
And I don't have
my bathing suit.
Oh, Linus.
My sweet, innocent darling.
We don't need bathing suits.
Trust me, my precious.
Oh, I do. I do.
I'm terribly embarrassed.
No need to be, darling.
After you get into the water,
I'll join you.
Okay.
Well, that's it.
Now it's your turn.
Yes.
Now it's my turn.
Good night, Mr. Webster!
Hey, wait! Hey, come back!
Come back!
I'm losing my confidence again!
You know, I've picked up
some hitchhikers in my day,
but, man, you were a weird
sight, running along the road
in them seaweed jockey shorts.
I'll have your coat
back in a minute.
Hey, Fred.
Look.
That's the last guy in the
world I would have figured.
There'll be no slip-up
this time, Mr. Northcross.
You subpoena Jerry Webster
in front of the Ad Council,
and I'll present enough evidence
to put him behind bars.
They've been advertising a
product that doesn't even exist!
Yes!
Well, I've already spoken
to the District Attorney,
and he wants to be there.
No, Mr. Northcross, I'm not
trying to stall for time.
It just happens that 11:00 is
when I go down to donate blood.
But they need it.
It's a very rare type.
11:00. I'll be there.
Did Hadley find Tyler?
Not yet.
That Templeton. What a
mean, vindictive woman.
Lay off her, Kelly.
Congratulate me, boy.
I've saved the day!
I've been working with my
lawyers, and we've come up
with an iron-clad document that
will hold up in any court.
This solves everything.
Great! What is it?
A full and complete
confession. Sign.
Are you kidding? I could
go to jail for five years.
No, that's covered in here. We make a
deal with the judge. Two years. Sign.
Forget it.
Two years!
It's like being drafted. Think of
me as your commander in chief.
Greetings from the president.
Sign.
I couldn't find Dr. Tyler anywhere.
The guy has disappeared.
That tears it.
Hadley.
Step over to the window.
Mr. Ramsey, I told you,
I am not going to jump!
You don't have to jump. I'll trip you, huh?
Double indemnity.
Your wife will be loaded.
Kids will go to college.
Right? Come on, boy, run!
Pete, knock it off.
You won't sign, you won't jump.
I'm surrounded by traitors.
Dr. Tyler's here.
Doctor, where've you been?
In the subway. They couldn't
change a $1000 bill.
Gentlemen, I give you VIP!
That is VIP?
They look like mints.
Don't they though?
$100,000 for advertising, and what
does he give us to sell? Candy!
I don't care if they're
colored matzoh balls.
At least I've got something
to show the Ad Council.
Come on, Hadley. Let's go down to the art
department and have wrappers made up.
Nobel Prize winner, huh?
For this, I could have
hired Fanny Farmer.
Well, at ten cents a piece,
why, you'll make millions.
Ten cents for one of these?
Try it.
I've tasted candy before.
Not like these. Try it.
Well, have the rest of it.
I think you'd better sit down. There
should be a reaction shortly.
I made it very emphatic to Webster
that he be here at 11:00.
Hadley!
Hold that elevator!
VIP, oh!
I think I'll try a red one.
I think you've had enough.
Don't worry about me.
I can hold my candy.
You know something?
I wanna tell you,
you've come up with a great
little mint, here. You know that?
Mint?
Mint, you say?
This priceless pastille which you
so carelessly refer to as a mint
is in reality a triumph
of advanced biochemistry.
Looks like candy. Tastes like candy.
Goes down like candy.
But it enters the bloodstream
as pure alcohol.
Each one of these is the
equivalent of a triple martini.
Here's to you, Doc.
Bottoms up!
I've given this country
what it has long needed.
A good ten-cent drunk.
Well, I told you
he wouldn't show up.
I think the District Attorney
should take over.
It seems in order to issue a
bench warrant for his arrest.
And if he resists, gun him down!
Good morning.
I'm sorry to be late,
but I stopped to pick up
a carton of VIP.
You mean there is
such a product?
Would I advertise it
if there weren't?
That would be dishonest.
Gentlemen, I give you VIP.
A pleasant confection to be
enjoyed by the entire family.
This is nothing but a mint!
Well, I never said
it was anything more.
It's quite tasty.
Really? WILLIAMS: May
I have another one?
Sure, Mr. Williams.
Help yourself.
Gentlemen, help yourselves.
They're unusually refreshing.
Try a green one.
How many colors are there?
Six.
Let's all have one of each.
Dr. Melnick?
Yes? What happened?
I don't know. He just
suddenly went wild.
He kicked in this picture
of his father.
He tried to tear my clothes off!
Mine, too!
Where is he?
Joe, take it down.
What are you doing up there,
Peter?
I'm king of the elevator!
Married? Me?
Miss Templeton?
Miss Templeton, wake up.
Millie.
I had the most wonderful dream.
Dr. Tyler and I were...
I know what you're thinking,
but just calm down.
We're in Maryland. We're in a
motel, but it's all right.
Yes, it is. We're legally married.
You're Mrs. Jerry Webster.
Now stop that!
You're my wife!
Some girls just aren't
ready for marriage.
Here.
Have a look.
I don't know how it happened, but
apparently I did the decent thing.
Oh, I'm your wife!
This is horrible!
I'm ruined! Ruined!
You're not ruined!
I married you.
You'll go to jail for this.
Now, Carol...
Don't you touch me!
Will you listen to reason?
You give me back my clothes!
Poor lad! It's not likely
to be a long honeymoon.
Look, I know you hate me
and you have plenty of reason,
but you must love me, too.
You married me.
You got me drunk!
Well, maybe I did.
Look, Carol, I know it's a
shock for you to wake up
and find yourself
in a motel room, married,
but this is the first time
it's ever happened to me, too.
And you know something? Cold sober, even
with a hangover, I kind of like it.
"Mrs. Jerry Webster."
Don't you ever call me
a name like that again.
Well, listen, plenty of girls would
like to be Mrs. Jerry Webster.
And I'm sure
they have a right to be!
Okay, so I've sown
a few wild oats.
"A few"? You can qualify
for a farm loan!
Now, honey, you're starting
off our marriage with a fight.
Oh, no, I'm not. I'm starting
it off with an annulment!
Carol. Carol, don't be hasty.
Let's talk this over.
You listen to me.
No alcoholic beverage,
no drug known to science,
no torture yet devised could
induce me to stay married to you!
That's it, let's discuss it.
Where can I go to get
this marriage annulled?
Now, darling, it's only natural to
be a little frightened at first.
Like olives, dear, it's something
you acquire a taste for.
Get me New York City,
Plaza 89970. I'll hold on.
Hello, Pete? This is Jerry.
I'm in Maryland, but I
don't know how I got here.
I'll tell you how you got there.
You ate some of those
poison pellets
your Frankenstein friend Tyler
came up with.
Candy nothing! That stuff
turns into pure alcohol.
Oh, that explains it.
What about the Ad Council?
Well, they found Northcross
barricaded in the ladies' lounge
at Radio City Music Hall.
Williams was on stage,
dancing with the Rockettes.
And Magnuson just washed up
on the beach at Waikiki.
Yeah, he's alive.
Can't find
the District Attorney though.
Oh?
Is he a gray-haired man
with a moustache?
I think he was best man
at my wedding.
Relax, Pete. I'm gonna
sign the confession.
I'm taking the rap
for everything.
No, you're not. I'm not letting
you take the rap alone.
And I'll see that
Hadley signs that, too.
That won't be necessary.
Excuse me,
Mr. Ramsey.
There are two men here to see you.
They wanna talk to you about VIP.
It's the FBI!
Send them in here.
I don't want you to think
that I'm abandoning you.
The same brilliant lawyers
who drew up this iron-clad document
will be right by your side in court,
trying to break it.
I'll get you a fair trial if I have
to buy out every person in the jury.
Thanks.
Mr. Ramsey?
I'm Ramsey. But this is the man you want.
Jerry Webster.
He alone is responsible for VIP.
He invented it.
He dreamed it up.
Is that true,
Mr. Webster?
Yes.
It's all right here.
Don't say another word
until I get the lawyers.
We don't need lawyers here,
Mr. Webster.
Now, what is your price?
Price? We represent
the liquor industry.
How much would it take
to burn that formula?
Well, I...
Gentlemen, you don't seem to realize
what you're asking me to do.
Now, look. The government
is going to stop you anyhow.
But every day that candy is on the market,
we lose money. Now name your price.
Now, let's see.
The liquor industry spends roughly $60
million a year in advertising. Right?
Right. And we're prepared to give
you 20% of our total billing.
You can open your own
agency with an account like that.
Twenty-five percent.
Agreed.
And you're not to give the account to me.
You're to give it to Mrs...
That is...
Miss Carol Templeton, of
Brackett, MacAlpin and Gaines.
If that's what you want.
It is.
Shall we?
Our attorneys will draw up
an agreement for your signature.
Fine. No.
Send it to San Francisco. I'm
moving to our West Coast office.
Very well.
Thank you, Mr. Webster.
Thank you.
Are you taking
Mr. Webster with you?
No, he's going to San Francisco.
San Francisco?
Alcatraz!
This one I didn't notice...
Yeah, take all of these.
Oh, Pete.
I'll be leaving tonight.
We'll miss you, boy.
I'm taking Kelly with me.
If anybody can do it, you can.
Hello. Hello, Mr. Webster.
This is Millie,
Miss Templeton's secretary.
You know that girl you married nine
months ago and she got it annulled?
Well, it seems that there was
something she couldn't get annulled.
She'd kill me if she knew
I was calling you,
but I think that every man
has a right to know
when he's about
to become a father.
Got the marriage license.
And the judge has agreed to waive
the three-day waiting period.
Yes, I can marry you
immediately.
The ring! I haven't got the ring!
Here, you can use mine.
Yours?
Well, I've been carrying it for years.
I believe in being prepared.
Carol,
please, listen to me.
I will not marry you.
Now go away, I'm busy.
Darling, I love you.
No, you don't. You went to
California and forgot me.
Forgot you? I sent you
hundreds of letters.
I wrote one every day
for eight months.
And the ninth month, when I
needed you most, not a word!
I didn't know
what was happening.
You sent back every letter,
unopened.
If you loved me,
you'd have kept on writing.
Darling, I do love you.
Please marry me!
Well, I'll have to
think about it.
I don't want to rush
into anything.
Now you listen to me.
You're going up there
to have my baby, my son...
It's my baby and I'll have what I want,
and I've decided to have a girl.
Have whatever makes you happy. I love
you both. Now will you marry me?
I always wanted
a church wedding.
The next baby,
we'll have a church wedding.
Now, please, say yes.
Oh, yes!
Judge?
Join hands, please.
We are gathered together to unite
this man and this woman in marriage.
...as such, I trust it
will symbolize your union.
Then by the powers vested in me by
the sovereign State of New York,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Man! That's what I call
cutting it close!