[BELLS JINGLING]
[WHITE WINTER HYMNAL PLAYING]
NARRATOR: Ah, the holidays.
The most wonderful time of the year.
And so, begins my tale.
On the snowy morning
of Christmas Eve,
as Charlotte Cooper
set out her 37th snow globe,
trying to create
the perfect Christmas for her family,
she remembered a moment,
she'd hoped she could hold on to forever.
Meanwhile, her husband, Sam Cooper,
who I can read pretty well,
was recalling the moment
just after that moment...
trying to remember
if he knew he was happy,
at the same time,
the happiness was going on.
And their beloved dog, Rags,
remembered how good it felt to be
a Christmas present.
And all over town,
the Cooper clan, and then some,
were starting their morning too.
Who are all these people?
Well, that's the story.
I can't just give it away.
But for now,
they're heading into their holiday,
searching for comfort
and a little more joy.
That's fine.
That's fine.
All right.
Make gingerbread houses.
Can you just have them at
my front door at 9:00 am?
Yeah, but it's Christmas morning.
What if they want to sleep in?
What kid sleeps in
on Christmas morning?
I don't know.
Why do you have
to change things?
God forbid, I wanna spend
another 15 minutes with my kids.
Why do you have
to be such a dick?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Merry Christmas.
Season's greetings.
Merry Christmas.
CHARLOTTE: We hope to
see you tonight, Angie.
Hey, Charlie,
Merry Christmas. Shh!
Don't take that personally.
Take it as a group,
he hates everybody.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandpa.
Merry Christmas, Bo.
Bo! Merry Christmas.
Charlie, please don't
ditch your brother at the mall.
Thank you for taking Madison today.
I really appreciate it.
I can't be late for work.
But it's Christmas eve, Hank.
Come on.
Yeah, I know.
Job's a job, right?
[SNORTS]
Um...
Madison's been doing
this weird thing.
And I made the mistake
of laughing at it the first time.
So, now she does it
all the time.
Do me a favor.
When she does it, don't laugh.
And then, hopefully,
she'll just stop doing it on her own.
Sure. Of course.
What is it?
Hi!
SAM: Hi, Madison.
There she is.
Grandma and Grandpa are here,
they're going to take you for the day.
Can you say, "Hi"?
You're such a dick.
Dad, don't.
Stop it.
Okay, let's go.
NARRATOR: As Ruby served
her 19th Holiday Special,
she remembered serving
Christmas dinner to her brothers.
While her mother,
six eggnogs to the wind,
was passed out on the couch.
Although her childhood had
left her feeling separate from the world,
Ruby felt an unexpected
connection to Bucky Newport.
For the last five years,
she looked forward to
starting her mornings with him.
She loved how he wore
a suit and bow tie, every day,
just like did
when he was a teacher.
Always straightening it
and only making it worse.
Good morning.
I'm furious with you.
What'd I do?
That ending shattered me.
Well, it's supposed to.
That's what makes it one of
the most significant endings
in the history of film.
But Chaplin's face...
BUCKY:
Full of hope and fear
and shame and embarrassment
and God knows what else.
But the genius was that it's his
subconscious autobiography.
He had fallen in love
with several
young women over the years
and he was their mentor.
But he was endlessly
terrified that
they're going see him
as he saw himself.
Which is nothing but a busker,
in the streets of London.
It's amazing.
NARRATOR: Bucky looked away
from Ruby because,
oddly, he felt closer to her
than anyone in his life.
He understood the absurdity
of the situation.
He had shown her 67 movies.
Ate at her diner, daily.
And hated the food there.
You want the special?
Uh...
What day is today?
Friday.
Friday?
It's not so special.
How about Wednesday's?
Or Thursday's hash browns?
Sold.
CUSTOMER: Hey, Ruby.
The Coffee's cold.
You'll be fine.
Sit down.
Spending Christmas
with the family?
NARRATOR: Ruby recalled the joys
of gift giving.
Nope.
[CHUCKLES]
Believe me, I understand.
Christmas comes around,
somebody yells,
"Time for comfort and joy,
it's Christmas."
Everybody panics as if
you can schedule happiness.
Can't do it.
You going to your daughter's?
Oh, yes.
She's a very good cook.
I don't know where
she got it from, because
when their mother died,
the only thing I could teach her was
how to order out.
I don't know what it is.
Everything is a contest with my girls.
Except I have no idea
what the prize is.
I try to ease the tension,
but they don't really hear me.
CUSTOMER: Hey, Ruby,
my coffee's still cold.
Why don't you come over
here and warm me up?
Sorry, I got to go.
Clearly, an emergency.
[SIGHS] I just don't feel like
spending any money on her.
She never spends a dime on me.
My own sister. Oh!
You know what she'll do.
She'll make a donation in my name.
Oh, that's really festive.
And they never say
how big a donation,
so there's no way of knowing
how much I'm supposed to spend.
I am tempted to get
the rattiest thing I can find,
just to see
my sister Charlotte's face.
[GASPS] Hold on.
I'll call you back.
[LITTLE DRUMMER BOY PLAYING]
[COUGHING]
[CHOKING AND COUGHING]
NARRATOR:
When Emma was a little girl,
she overheard her parents say
that her sister, Charlotte, was planned,
but that she was an accident.
She faithfully behaved
like one, ever since.
Ma'am, ma'am,
we need to detain you.
Give it to me.
Come on. Let's just make
life easier on everybody.
Spit it out.
Spit it out.
Give it to me.
[SINGING END OF JOY TO THE WORLD]
[BELL DINGING]
Merry Christmas.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Best ever.
Thank you.
Our last number
is one of my aunt's favorites.
So, this is for you.
Aunt Fishy.
Rags! Get down, Rags.
Okay, then.
Ready, Mrs. Pinkins?
Hit it.
Joy to the world
The Lord has come
Let earth...
That's not the right lyric.
I'm sorry, Mitzi,
but I think it is.
From the top, please.
I'm not going to play to the wrong lyric.
[PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTE]
MAN: Don't play it, Mitzi.
Mitzi's right.
It's not the right lyric.
Of course it's the lyric.
Joy to the world,
the Lord has come.
No, it's not the Lord has come,
like God reached orgasm. Please...
[PLAYS DISCORDANT CHORD]
What?
[STUTTERING]
Mitzi!
Well, so, Merry Christmas,
everyone.
I think that ends
our little program.
SAM: Thank you so much.
You've been a wonderful audience.
We will be back next year.
[CHUCKLING]
But will they?
Yeah, you don't have to worry about
that after tonight, that's for sure.
You don't have to say it
like you're never
going to see me again,
Charlotte. I'm not dying.
No. But we are.
Hey, Tinkerbell.
NARRATOR: Aware of the growing distance
between her parents,
Eleanor Cooper found herself
drawn to public displays of affection.
She remembered a time in her life
she had not been so guarded.
[GIGGLING]
This is quite fun.
If you show me yours,
I'll show you mine.
Okay?
[CHUCKUNG]
Oh.
NARRATOR: She remembered a moment
she'd wished she could forget,
the day a stolen kiss
caught her eye.
She recognized that kiss.
It was her fianc's.
Eleanor was shattered.
Alas, she could never climb
the wall that built up around her heart.
Still, Eleanor secretly
searched out strangers' faces
for the moment they flickered
with unguarded emotion.
Can I have a Dirty Martini,
shaken over ice, please?
I'd be honored
to buy you a drink.
I can pay for my own drink,
thank you.
Not you.
Thanks.
I'll have a Dirty Martini,
shaken over ice.
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
Put the presents
for the kids in the trunk.
And I'll get
your tip next time.
No problem.
And take the Internet,
it's faster.
You got it, Aunt Fishy.
My nephew
called me that.
He and wife
are going to Africa
and I'm babysitting the kids.
I'm your nephew.
Can you remember my name?
Um...
Sam.
Yes. I'm Sam,
that's great.
[LAUGHING]
I know your name.
I'm not a zombie.
You better step on it.
You're going to
miss your plane.
Aunt Fishy,
that was 30 years ago.
Really?
Well, how was the trip?
We didn't go.
Well, you were dying to go.
And you and Charlotte,
saved your money for years.
We had a rough year,
so we postponed it.
Oh, Sammy.
And then you never went.
Weren't you supposed to go,
again this year?
Yes, we were.
NARRATOR: Who can say
what ends a marriage?
Perhaps it's unreasonable
to ask human beings to grow at exactly
the same rate for 40 years,
six months and three days.
But the canceled trip
was the last straw.
And Sam was moving out.
You seem out of sorts.
Give me the keys, I'll drive.
NARRATOR: As Hank Cooper waited
for his 17th job interview
in the past month,
he wondered how long
he could keep up
the lie that he was
still taking family portraits at Sears.
HANK: Big smiles, guys.
You're going to have
this picture for the rest of your lives.
It's going on a wall.
All right, right here. Ready?
[TOY SQUEAKING]
[CAMERA CLICKING]
Oh! Yes.
NARRATOR: He missed his job helping
unhappy families appear happy.
Love the sweaters,
right? Chipper.
[CAMERA CLICKING]
Yes. And that's beautiful.
NARRATOR:
It was his superpower.
Unexpectedly,
he thought of a woman
he saw just once and never again.
Then he thought of the automated
voice that had replaced him.
Merry Christmas.
Toes on the line. Cheese.
NARRATOR:
Did that voice have children?
Did they now have unaffordable
gifts on their Christmas lists, too?
Dear Santa, please
bring me a blue bicycle.
I'll be waking up at my father's,
but opening presents at my mom's.
NARRATOR: Hank thought of the unbridled
joy he had Christmas mornings.
WOMAN: Mister Cooper?
NARRATOR: Determined, Hank entered
the office with his left foot.
He'd read this was lucky.
I want to thank you for taking
the time to speak with me today.
I really appreciate it.
I know that you're not actually
hiring anyone till the new year,
but just know that...
I'm ready to work now.
You know, I could start today
if you needed it. [SNORTS]
I take pride in my work.
I take a lot of pride
in my work. I...
At my last job, if a family took a bad picture,
I insisted on taking another,
because I care.
I care. I just...
I hated the idea
of anyone sending out
a bad holiday card.
You know, you don't get another
shot at that for a whole year.
You know how many relatives
are going to see that?
Who's going to care
about that now, Bob?
Who's going to care about that?
Dude, you are way too
intense for Staples.
[SNORTS]
[MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY PLAYING]
So what your deal?
What do you do?
I am a writer.
Oh! Wow. All right.
What do you write?
Are you familiar with the Pottery Barn Catalog,
Outdoor Furniture Edition?
All-weather wicker.
[GASPS]
You know my work?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I write plays, actually.
I don't know why... Yeah.
Wow. That's cool.
Yeah.
My last play was
almost produced.
And then...
[SIGHS]
...my lead actor
slash ventriloquist
left for a paying job.
He was a Republican,
naturally.
Republican ventriloquist.
[GASPS]
Oh, no. No.
You're way too cute
to be a Republican.
Ah.
Well, the good news is
I'm not a ventriloquist.
Just tell me you're not one
of those churchy Republicans,
who believes in Fox News,
but not evolution.
Okay. If man evolved
from monkeys and apes,
why are there still,
monkeys and apes?
It's funny because my dog asked me
the same thing about wolves yesterday.
All right.
Look, you believe
in God, right?
Which one?
Any one, just pick one.
They all need too much
validation for me.
It's all, "Love me most
or go to hell."
I have a hard time believing
I'm less needy than God.
Yeah, I have a hard time
believing you are too.
So you don't believe
in much, do you?
You know
what I believe in?
I believe in the sound
of Nina Simone's voice.
I feel like that is the closest
I'll ever come to believing in God.
I haven't heard her.
Wow.
Sorry.
It'll make you a convert.
What are you doing
in an airport bar anyway?
Shouldn't you be with your people
in denying science,
or wherever
you're from?
I'm just trying to get home,
but everything's snowed in.
Isn't that what
you're doing here?
No, I flew in
to see my family.
I have to be there
at 5:00.
I'm just here to kill
an hour or six.
All right.
Hey. Whoops.
CHARLOTTE: I hope Eleanor's
plane wasn't delayed.
And something's up with Hank.
He always does that
weird piglet snort
whenever he's trying
to hide something.
People snort, Charlotte.
No. This is not a universal snort,
like [SNORTS].
It's not.
It's a kind of a... It's...
It's specific like [SNORTS].
It's...
[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
Merry Christmas.
Anyway. All right.
Well... [GASPS]
Oh, my goodness, look.
Oh, I've got a surprise
for you, Madison.
This is genuine,
guess what. Look.
[CHOIR SINGING]
Gingerbread house.
Yes.
CHARLOTTE: Maybe I should bake
a peppermint cake.
SAM: Why?
CHARLOTTE: Because it's Christmas, Sam.
For God's sake,
it's Christmas.
You can't cook this away,
Charlotte.
People are going to look back
on tonight and realize
it was all a performance.
We should have, at least,
warned them
before they came.
No, but I want them to wanna come,
that's the whole point.
This is the only time of the
year when we're all together.
And it's our last chance
to feel like a family
before we tell them.
I want the kids
to have the memory
of one last perfect Christmas.
And I know that you think
that I'm ridiculous...
No, I don't think
you're being ridiculous.
Under the circumstances, yeah,
you are being a little ridiculous.
...Comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Oh, tidings
Of comfort and joy
We clearly have a major
difference of opinion
and I can understand
why you are wrong.
If you treat them
like they're not resilient,
they're going to be
not resilient.
Hank is still reeling
from the divorce...
and you know...
I'm sorry, okay, go ahead.
No, you go ahead.
I'll listen.
Well...
I feel like a fraud.
The whole thing feels wrong.
I'm going to tell them the truth.
We'll all be together.
Wait a minute.
No, we made an agreement.
You cannot break an agreement,
mid-agreement.
I disagree.
No, you agreed to the agreement.
You agreed to one
last Christmas
and then you can
just move out.
You want to leave,
you can just go ahead and leave.
Hold on, you're the one
who chose not to go.
You don't care enough about
the marriage to make...
[MAN OVER PA] Will the parents of the
lost child in aisle seven
Please come up
to the front and claim her?
[MADISON OVER PA]
You're such a dick.
[GASPS]
Oh, my God.
[CAROL OF THE BELLS PLAYING]
NARRATOR:
Bo was on a mission.
He had to find the perfect
gift that would bring back his brother,
who had become an alien
since his parents' divorce.
That gift had to have
healing powers
and it had to be cheap.
He even sacrificed
his one-on-one with Santa.
Nothing about this mission
was easy.
But Bo would not be thwarted.
This is a whole
misunderstanding.
Look, I'm somebody's mother.
I have three kids.
They're teenagers.
They're teenagers.
Already, they don't
take me seriously.
My husband's
an ethics professor.
He'll never forgive me.
My entire family is coming over at 5:00
for Christmas dinner,
which I have to cook.
Please. Don't you have
any compassion?
So, it's all a misunderstanding?
Yes.
Okay. So, clear it up.
How'd the jewels
get in your mouth?
Right. This way.
I though it was a lozenge.
NARRATOR: Shortly after his mother
moved out,
Charlie felt as unclaimed
as a lost Christmas package,
lying in the back corner
of the post office.
In spite of this,
he arrived at the mall,
vowing he would kiss Lauren Hesselberg,
once and for all,
or die trying.
[SNIFFING]
[SIGHING]
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
NARRATOR: Unnerved, he began
to watch himself.
He told himself to coolly say,
"What's up, Lauren?
What's up?"
[VOICE CRACKING]
Hey, Lauren.
Hey, Charlie.
What you doing here?
I, I work here.
Of course.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
NARRATOR: When, at last, he stood
in front of her,
a clear directive repeated
itself in his mind,
"Don't look at her boobs.
"Do not look at her boobs."
I love the way Stewart does a little
food dance when his meal arrives.
And how Sarah still puts
lipstick on for Hal.
I like the way Paula Anderson
rests her breasts on the table,
as if they were tired.
[BOTH LAUGH]
We were so sad to see you go,
Ruby. I'm gonna miss you.
Take care, okay?
HAL: Merry Christmas.
RUBY: Bye, guys.
You're going somewhere?
It's my last day.
What?
Yeah.
You tell the lady with the lipstick on
her teeth and you don't tell me?
I don't...
I didn't know how to tell you.
It's like that movie you gave
me, Born Yesterday, right,
when Billie Dawn walks
out on Harry Brock.
There's a better
kind of life than the one I got.
You told me,
right here, you said,
"Starting over, you could
be the hero of your own life."
You can be a hero, here.
[STUTTERING]
Where are you going?
Hot Coffee, Mississippi.
I found it on a map
when I was 14 years old.
It seems like the perfect place
for a waitress.
Look, I don't understand.
I'm confused.
You've never even been there.
It's the worst idea I've ever heard of.
But I... I want to start over.
I need...
I need a change.
No, no, no, no.
Leaving doesn't change anything.
Everything just
comes with you.
Hot Coffee, Mississippi?
That's a place?
It's like a line from a sitcom.
Bucky.
You're a bird watcher.
You watch us all from a distance.
We're just characters
that amuse you.
Not true.
You love everybody at arm's length,
keep it up and you'll
end up alone, Ruby.
That's a terrible thing
to say to me.
Well, it's a terrible
thing to watch.
It's very cowardly.
So, in other words,
you think that I'm a coward.
No. Not in other words,
those are the words.
You think you can run away,
hiding in Hot Chocolate?
You're a coward.
You can pay up front.
You tell everybody at the restaurant
you're leaving and you don't tell me.
[SOUL CAKE PLAYING]
May I ask you something?
Is this something that they teach
you at the Police Academy?
Or have you always
been a robot?
I can understand
that you need
professional distance
from a hardened criminal.
But when there's a poor,
downtrodden housewife,
sobbing in the back
of your car on Christmas,
one has to wonder.
I'm guessing it's something
they teach you.
No one's born that way.
NARRATOR: Though Officer Williams never
engaged with suspects
in the back of his car,
Emma unknowingly
pierced his armor.
I'm not a robot.
What?
I have feelings, just
like everyone else.
Would you like
to talk about it?
I'm not talking to you.
[ROBOT VOICE] Take me to your leader.
Shut up.
Listen.
You landed in a pot of jam,
arresting me.
I've been a doctor
for 20 years.
People pay me a lot
to listen to their problems.
You're a head-shrinker?
NARRATOR: What Emma did not know
was that Officer Williams
had once sought out counseling,
but couldn't get over the fact
that he would have to talk.
[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]
And we're off, with Rudolph,
right here, to see Santa.
And Donner, and Vixen...
And Blitzen and Nixon...
[SILENT NIGHT BELLS DINGING]
Look at this.
It's beautiful.
NARRATOR: Silent Night reminded
Charlotte of a part of herself
that now felt inescapably
out of her grasp.
She caroled to deflect
the fact that she missed that person...
as much as Sam did.
All is bright
Brown young virgin
Mother and child...
[CLEARING THROAT]
What?
Really? You think it's a song about
a brown young virgin?
And her mother
and her child.
Oh, my God.
I didn't write the song,
Charlotte.
Look, Sam,
I was a music teacher.
Round. That's what it is.
She's a round young virgin.
Yeah, it's much better.
Very Christmassy.
Oh! Oh. Yes.
Don't worry. We're going.
Off we go.
Next stop, where?
To see the one,
the only, Santa.
[BOTH CHEERING]
And Santa's
army of helpers.
CHARLOTTE: Right.
SAM: It's Santa's brothers.
SAM: Anta, Janta, Mylanta...
[CAMERA CLICKING]
[CRYING]
[BOTH CRYING]
[SCREAMING]
[CRYING]
ELEANOR: Oh, man,
look at that. They...
I love moments where people are
so unchecked, so unselfconscious.
[CHUCKLES]
I know. It's ridiculous.
I like watching people.
I just love that moment when
a face floods with feeling.
Oh, I get it. I do.
All right.
Hit the pool?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Oh, God.
Where'd you go? Bailey?
Bailey?
Oh, God, thank God.
I thought you were gone.
That is very effective camo.
All right.
Did you always want to
join the army?
Uh, it's a long story.
Oh.
Father in the military?
Mm-hmm.
Short story, really.
[LAUGHS]
It was the right
thing to do.
Hey, I admire it.
I can't imagine putting my life
on the line for anything.
What if I was wrong?
That certainty,
that's amazing.
Thank you.
In like a...
corporate-loving, government-trusting,
gung-ho kind of way.
Uh-huh.
As opposed
to your mistrusting,
sideline-hugging,
passive sort of way.
Right.
Yeah.
How does your family
feel about you leaving?
They're happy I'm finally
getting my life together.
Oh.
Yeah. They haven't seen me
since I looked like...
This.
[GASPS]
Oh, wow!
That's an extreme
transformation!
That's incredible.
Can I keep this?
I'm going to need
to keep this. Wow!
[GOD REST YE
MERRY, GENTLEMEN PLAYING]
EMMA: How long
have you felt robotic?
I don't.
I see, so you believe
you're in touch with your feelings then?
Yes.
Both of them?
Apparently...
I...
have trouble expressing myself
in relationships.
How old are you?
I just turned 40.
And, uh,
how's your sex life?
How's your sex life?
I have sex
with people, okay? But...
But you don't connect
emotionally?
And what's
your biggest fear?
I don't want to end up alone.
And gay.
What?
You're 40,
you're single.
"People" sleep with you?
Are you serious?
Are you gay?
No!
Only in bed.
You all right, Grandpa?
Yes, yes, exceptional.
Never better.
How did it go?
Exceptional.
Never better.
That bad?
Yeah, what the hell
am I going to do?
I got to find a job
by the new year.
You don't have to find a job
by the new year,
that's an arbitrary deadline.
You can find it January 11th,
March 17th,
it makes no difference.
I'll lend you the money.
I don't want to be
that guy.
I like that guy,
he's a very fine guy.
Now then, what shall
we get Charlotte?
Poinsettias or poinsettias?
How about poinsettias?
Good idea.
I got it,
I'll take care of it.
That's all right.
No, no, I got it.
I got it.
I got it!
Let me...
I got the god damned flowers!
You get the flowers.
$8.99.
I'll get that
back for you.
Hank, you don't have to hide
this from your family.
They're your family.
I don't want to
ruin Christmas for Mom.
Well, then tell Angie.
She will understand if the alimony is late.
No, I was a failure at marriage.
I refuse to be a failure at divorce.
You're not a failure.
Some marriages have a shelf life, that's all.
But you and Angie
were never happy.
Angie was always looking over her
shoulder for what she didn't have.
FOMO.
FOMO?
Fear of missing out.
We fought about it
all the time.
Look, I understand.
There's history there,
you were high school
sweethearts.
No, that...
That's not true.
We were not sweethearts.
That is family fiction.
We were lab partners.
We dissected rats together.
Then, out of nowhere...
band practice at Travis Howard's house,
Angie pounced on me...
while
My Sharona was playing.
I got as far as [SINGS] "My, my, my, my,"
and then, boom! Done.
I became a dad,
same day I failed Biology.
Listen, don't let this one moment
define your entire life.
I'm telling you this
from the heart now.
Angie talks while she chews
with her mouth wide open!
It's like a fireman's hose.
It speaks of her character.
She's worse than my Aunt Edna.
Look, Hank,
I had kids young, just like you did.
I had to raise them
while I was still raising myself.
Trust me, this is one small chapter
in your great, big life.
Go out and get some!
Just get some?
Get some.
It's... The thing is...
Yes?
You've only been with Angie?
Yes, that is the thing.
Mm-hmm.
This is solvable.
This is a solvable problem.
Doesn't it suck how we can
want to run from our families,
but impress them
at the same time?
I just disappoint mine.
I think the build up to
facing their disappointment
is actually the worst part.
"Anticappointment,"
I call it.
I can't face the
anticappointment.
Is that why
you're avoiding them?
I just hate the holidays.
I hate having to reduce
everything I'm doing
down to a sound byte
and then defend it.
And I just...
I hate reverting back to how
everyone saw me.
Maybe you should join the army.
Yeah.
Are you scared?
No.
Here.
Take that.
How about a little
Nina Simone?
[TO LOVE SOMEBODY PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
NARRATOR: Even though he knew he would
never see her again,
Joe would always remember
this amazing moment,
that only happened in his mind.
You know what, Madison?
Guess what, you can really see
the North Pole from up here.
Did you know that?
This is your daddy's favorite
place in the whole wide world!
[GASPS]
Three for the red lane, please.
You know, or maybe
what we could do is
we could join Aunt Fishy for
a nice cup of hot cocoa.
What a wonderful view.
This was so much fun. Let's go.
Oh, come on.
We're not shooting her out of a cannon.
You used to love those.
Where is your sense
of adventure?
Buried in a good book?
No!
I am not, you are...
That's just ridiculous!
Come on, Madison. Let's just go.
We're gonna show him.
Nice and easy does it,
right, sweetheart?
[MOTOR REVVING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL YELLING]
Every time I go home, I'm told it's so
okay that I am not in a relationship.
It's so okay.
So, how come you're not?
How come you're not?
Who says I'm not?
Oh.
Ooh.
I'm not.
Yeah, I just wanted to see
your reaction if you thought I was.
Okay, Are you?
I don't know.
Sort of.
He couldn't get away
for the holidays.
Prison?
He's with his wife.
[LAUGHS]
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing you'd want
to share with mom and dad, huh?
No, I don't like to brag.
Wait, look.
I don't believe
in marriage,
okay? Love fades.
Yeah, so?
Every time a face floods,
that's over a new relationship.
Right?
No.
Don't do that.
Don't throw me up to me.
Do you even know any
happily married people?
Yeah, my parents.
I mean, you know what
I'm worried about,
is that I'm never going to find
what they have.
I'm worried that I will.
The second we left the house,
my parents' marriage imploded.
They fight all the time now.
So do mine.
You just said they were happy.
Passionate.
Ugly.
Honest.
Heartbreaking.
So, who was he?
What?
This guy that messed with your head.
I mean it's got to be somebody right?
Otherwise, you wouldn't settle
for a married guy.
You think he's going to leave
his wife for you?
Nope. That was never
on the table.
And, besides,
we live in different states.
That's good.
Wouldn't want to go
wasting your life, right?
You want to know
what's a waste of a life?
A know-it-all with
a freshly shaved mullet,
who slaps on a uniform and thinks
it gives him the moral high ground.
When, really, he's just risking
his life to please his dad.
Best of luck.
EMMA: Does your mother know?
She knew before I did.
How do you know?
Listen, if it's hard
to talk about,
maybe a little role-play
can free you up.
I could play your mom
and you be you.
Hi, sweetie!
Hi, Mom.
Stop. You're not
doing you right.
What?
You're not a robot yet.
You're still a little kid.
I'll be you, you be Mom.
Hi, Mom.
It was career day at school.
And Odell said that he wanted
to be a podiatrist like his dad.
And I said, I wanted to be...
Percy, don't gesture so much
when you talk.
Well, Kenisha said that
she wanted to...
Percy, stop tilting your head.
Percy, stand with
your legs apart.
Percy, don't smile so big.
I said that I wanted to be...
An explorer.
And now you wear a "Do not
enter" sign across your chest.
You couldn't be a gay man,
so you became a stereotype of a man.
Oh, it's so sad.
The things we do
in our childhood,
just to fit in,
make us stand apart as adults.
Cold, hard truth is, when I was asked
what I wanted to be when I grew up,
I never said, "alone."
You feel alone
with three teenagers?
Oh, them. No. I lied.
I don't have any kids.
I don't even have a husband.
What?
Yeah. I knew you'd think,
"She's alone,
"she's not getting any younger.
Of course she'd swallow a brooch."
I opened up to you
and you lied to me.
No, I lied
before you opened up.
I would never lie to you now.
The conversation part
of this arrest is over.
[SAM AND CHARLOTTE LAUGHING]
CHARLOTTE: What?
What?
That scream you made,
coming down the hill.
[CHARLOTTE LAUGHING]
Is that the Whitehead kid?
The one we used
to call Schnozzle?
Quick, quick,
what was his name?
Skippy.
Don't say. "Skippy"
CHARLOTTE: Oh, here. Oh.
Hey. Think you can
drop me at the mall?
Get in.
All right.
Thanks.
CHARLOTTE: Seriously,
what's his name? I can't remember.
SAM: Schnozington.
Oh.
SAM: Get in the back, Rags.
CHARLOTTE: Does your mom know
you're out hitchhiking?
No, she took my keys away
when she caught me with pot in the car.
Well...
What?
It's not like we never
got stoned, Charlotte.
We grew up in the '60s.
[LAUGHS]
You grew up in the '60s?
Cool!
Hear that, Charlotte?
What?
Schnozzle Whitehead
thinks we're cool.
[SNICKERS]
Wait. What did you call me?
[BOTH MUMBLING]
Yeah we used to...
It was groovy.
We knocked around.
We went to concerts.
Charlotte met Bob Dylan.
Are you serious?
What was he like?
No, I only met him
for a couple of seconds.
Till security dragged you
off of him.
Were you guys hippies?
Yeah!
No.
What do you mean, "No"?
Oh, my God!
She used to speak
at rallies,
in front of anybody.
You should have heard her.
No, it's just that I liked
how loud my voice sounded
over the microphone.
It's nothing at all.
Oh, no. You were fearless,
man, you had passion.
I don't remember much
of that at all.
You don't remember that day?
No.
Really?
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]
That was a long time ago,
when...
That was our...
first time, huh?
Your idea to go up
in the woods.
That was not.
I followed you, I did.
Oh, no, I followed you.
SAM: I couldn't take
my eyes off you.
CHARLOTTE:
Yeah, neither could your dog.
Who could blame him?
You can just let me out here.
If you want.
Right here is good,
actually.
[FOLK MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GIRL OF THE NORTH COUNTRY PLAYING]
Look, I crossed the line.
I'm sorry.
All right.
I came on
a little strong.
No, I shouldn't have said that.
That was below the belt.
I wouldn't let it go.
It's on me. All right?
It's true.
It is your fault.
You're a total hussy.
Look, sometimes
things happen...
when you're not even
looking for it.
He tell you that?
Yeah.
Great.
Hey, I would love to have fallen
for someone as presentable as you.
Okay? Trust me.
No. You just want to fall for me
because you know I'm leaving.
Do you always speak
in country lyrics?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Well, it's been, um...
Exhausting.
Yeah.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Have a good...
Yeah, you too.
I'll think good thoughts
for you in the new year.
Oh, wow! You sound exactly
like my mom.
[LAUGHING]
Cool.
I have four sisters, so...
I can sound
like anyone's mom.
Oh, well,
mine would love you.
Anyway, bye.
Yup.
Come with me.
What?
Look, I know you don't know me,
you're not even sure if you like me, but...
be my boyfriend.
Uh...
Listen, I can't deal with that
look on their faces again.
Okay? Just be my boyfriend
for one night.
Oh, no way.
What are you going to do?
There's no flights
until morning.
Look at this, you're just going to spend
Christmas by yourself,
eating dinner
at Wetzel's Pretzels?
All right. Okay, stop! That's crazy.
You're being deployed.
You deserve a crazy,
pull out all the stops, home-cooked meal
and I can guarantee you that.
You would make
my parents so happy.
I mean, really, isn't it
the Christian thing to do?
Okay, well, fine, but...
It involves
a tiny white lie, yes.
But a lie
that provides comfort.
And it's really perfect
because you are going to war.
And, you know,
that's a win-win.
I'm just...
[PEOPLE GIGGLING]
Sorry.
Wow.
That is, kind of,
a beautiful moment.
Look, hey...
All we would
have to figure out
is how long
we've been together.
And what your name is.
CHARLIE: I just got you...
It's Christmas, so,
I got you a mistletoe!
[LAUGHS]
It's lame, whatever,
I'm stupid.
NARRATOR: Never having
French-kissed before,
Charlie felt Lauren's tongue
in his mouth
and he thought she was having
an epileptic seizure.
When he realized she wasn't,
his heart began to soar.
Francis, the mall cop,
contemplated breaking up the young couple,
not because they were kissing,
but because they were doing it so badly.
But, before he could,
not knowing why,
every kiss Francis had under
a mistletoe flashed before his eyes
like a Christmas gift.
Ugh.
Get out!
Get out of here!
Sorry.
Boo.
What's your problem, Lauren?
You're not such a dog.
What are you doing hanging
out with this pus-face here?
Shut up, Brady.
BRADY: Ooh.
You're going to let your girlfriend
talk to me like that,
Blisters?
Huh, pussy?
Mommy ever teach you
about deodorant?
He doesn't smell
that bad, okay?
You smell a little bit,
but not that bad.
I smell?
BRADY: I can smell you halfway
across the mall.
You leave my brother alone!
Oh, yeah? Make me.
[YELLS]
Yes!
Run!
NARRATOR: This was the story
Bo would tell his friends for years.
Now, what really happened.
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMS]
[THUD]
NARRATOR: His mission to rescue
his brother abruptly terminated,
Bo sat empty handed,
contemplating the cataclysmic
consequences of his failure.
[LITTLE DRUMMER BOY PLAYING]
Okay, we met where?
Airport bar.
Too trashy.
Okay, how about where I do
volunteer work?
Okay, where do you volunteer?
I don't.
But I've always wanted to.
Now I don't have to.
Yeah, I don't think
just talking about volunteering counts.
Pretty sure it does.
Okay, how come
you never mentioned me?
You're a Republican.
When I first saw him,
I thought...
this is never going to work.
But, he was brave.
She was...
plucky.
[LAUGHS]
He uses words like, "plucky."
That laugh.
First time I heard it,
I was floored.
He was open in a way that
I never could be.
I wasn't even put off
by his faith.
I actually thought
it was kinda hot.
The whole time she talked
about "evolution,"
I wondered...
what it would be like
to touch her neck.
You have a great neck.
Oh.
I like the way he touches
his lower lip when he's feeling vulnerable.
I don't do that.
Like this.
I don't do that.
Yeah.
I wondered what it would be
like to kiss that lip.
Really?
No.
But, that's what I'm going to say to
my mom and she's gonna eat it up.
All right.
So good.
Before I saw her, I...
didn't believe
in love at first sight.
Thought it was bullshit.
And then I saw this...
reckless girl who had forgotten
how beautiful she was,
and I thought,
I thought if I could wake up
every day and look into that face,
I could get through anything.
And you...
were standing
right next to her.
[LAUGHS]
[CAROL OF THE BELLS PLAYING]
I thought you were
having dinner with your daughters?
You're going to ruin
your appetite.
I'm trying to.
Cranberries get
on my nerves.
I didn't want our last
conversation
to be remembered
as our last conversation.
Order whatever you want.
It's on the house.
It's my Christmas gift to you.
When I was younger, I worked
in a restaurant for a while.
And if an ugly person came in,
I would often give him a free dessert.
And I thought of myself
as being really special for...
treating the uglies well.
It's not what I'm doing.
I'm happy to hear it.
I'll get you some pie.
[DOOR CLOSES]
BUCKY: Ruby? Listen...
You're not a coward.
You're the opposite
of a coward.
You're brave and you're beautiful
and generous and big hearted.
Can we have a minute's
privacy here, please?
Thank you.
All that sadness.
That feeling like you've landed
in the wrong life.
Everybody feels that way, Ruby.
It's all just going to become
an anecdote.
You don't know
that yet, Ruby, but...
you're grand...
You're like a grand piano...
around a bunch of little
toy pianos and uprights...
Thank you. But...
you're the grand piano.
NARRATOR:
And for a brief moment,
time was their friend,
as Ruby saw Bucky
the way he felt inside.
Do you know why
I came here every day?
Twice a day, sometimes.
So I could see you.
Just to see you...
So I could be around you.
Now I have to say goodbye again.
[SNIFFING]
ELEANOR: I have a fear
that I am an impostor.
My first play got
a lot of attention.
So, basically I peaked at 19.
I also have a fear of silence.
I know.
Okay, yeah.
I'm dyslexic,
so, when I was growing up,
I thought I was just stupid.
I had a sister.
She was born with a weak heart.
So...
Sometimes I think I might
be unlovable.
I hear myself trying so hard
to be funny.
I think you're funny,
'cause you're sad.
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
Percy? I confess.
Okay, I did it.
I took the brooch.
I did.
I know.
For my sister.
I was just being
small and petty.
I'm always measuring out how much
love and attention I'm getting
and then giving back just
exactly what I think I got.
Like I think
I'm gonna be gypped in some way.
What makes a person behave like
that, can you tell me?
A grown person.
And the three kids?
It wasn't a lie.
It was a wish.
NARRATOR: As she heard herself
say it aloud,
Emma remembered the moment
she began to feel unremarkable.
It was the first time she felt
jealous of her sister,
who she always loved
and looked up to,
until she couldn't live up to.
[THUMPING]
[THUD]
Emma had told herself
it was just an accident,
and yet somehow today,
Emma knew it wasn't.
So, my mom has one sister,
Emma, she's always late.
Their dad is Bucky.
And my dad's aunt will be there,
Aunt Fishy.
Don't ask. Nobody knows
why we call her that.
And your brother is Hank,
and his kids are Charlie,
Madison and Bo Joshua, Maddie and BJ.
[LAUGHS] BJ.
What kind of a parent is gonna
name their kid BJ?
They're gonna see
right through me.
Oh, no, they're gonna love you.
Just don't mention gun control,
women's rights, or religion.
Why don't you just tell them
I don't speak English?
No, I just don't want them to think
I'm dating some narrow-minded birther.
The whole point of you coming home
with me is so I disappoint them.
Whoa.
No, don't take it personally.
They are liberally judgmental.
Look, we have a plan,
let's just stick to it.
How come you begged me to
come home with you,
if I'm such a narrow-minded
disappointment?
No, you misunderstood me...
Maybe you misunderstood you.
Of course, you're so open-minded,
how is that even possible?
Right?
Hey,
calm down,
man up,
and let's lie to my parents.
Okay?
Damn, lying comes
easy to you.
[BUCKETS OF RAIN PLAYING]
[BELT CLINKING]
Oh!
[SLAM]
Sorry.
[THUD]
Charlotte, come with me.
Sam...
If we just got away from everything,
all the distractions,
the kids,
we might have a shot.
I'm giving this
one last try here.
If we can't find
ourselves here...
how're we going to find
ourselves
on some worn out dream
we had of a trip to Africa.
It's so much more than a trip
and you know that.
For 30 years
I've given us a pass,
because you promised,
once I retired, you would
do this for us.
And moving out is for us?
No the trip is for us,
because we've become invisible
to each other.
Now? You want to go now?
What, with everything that's
going on with the kids?
They're not kids anymore!
That doesn't stop!
Don't turn your back on me,
Charlotte.
I am going to make
the dump salad.
NARRATOR: The problem was,
they both were right.
But the fight about the trip
wasn't about the trip.
It was about the thousand microscopic hurts
that accumulate over 40 years.
You don't want
to get into this,
well, we are
getting into this.
Yes, you are
a wonderful mother.
But what happened to us?
We used to slow dance in the living room
when the kids went to sleep.
What happened to that couple?
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
There ought to be a whole
separate language for you.
Wait, where's the pepper? Did I put
the pepper in the mash potatoes here?
Oh.
Dad called, he said
he's bringing a friend,
probably an old student,
I don't know.
[EXCLAIMS]
No, Rags!
Oh, my God! Rags!
Rags.
Get down, Rags.
Good boy.
Go on.
Go on, go on, Rags.
[LAUGHING]
Why are you laughing?
I don't understand
how we're going to
have Christmas without
mashed potatoes.
Charlotte, it's funny.
My God.
When did we become
Alfred and Dizzy Ludwig?
Who are you talking about?
The dullest, most lifeless
couple my parents knew.
I'm not apologizing
for 40 years of marriage.
We raised a spectacular family.
We made a beautiful home...
And now you're afraid
to leave it.
Stop saying I'm afraid
like I'm afraid.
You are terrified.
You're terrified to be alone with
me without a kid between us.
Look, Mom.
You're terrified if you take
your eyes off those kids for one second,
something will happen
on your watch.
I have known you
for most of my life and clearly
you have no idea who I am.
You're right.
We lost track of each other,
raising the kids.
And then Lizzy died.
And we stepped back.
And we kept stepping back,
until that was comfortable,
until that was us.
Why do you just accept that?
Did you ever consider
that this trip
is not my dream?
It's an old dream.
I was in my 20s.
It has no meaning
for me anymore.
Then do it for me.
Where did you go?
You got so small.
I'm in love with a girl
that doesn't even exist anymore.
I exist.
If you want to go on
a trip with a memory,
then be my guest. Go ahead.
Well, I'm going.
That's fine, go.
CHARLOTTE: You just go.
One day, for God's sakes,
that's all I asked for,
was one day,
all you had to do was hang
in for another 12 hours
and then we'd be done, but, no,
you have to ruin this day for me too.
Well, you know what,
you can just leave now!
Just leave...
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Happy...
Merry Christmas.
Mom, Dad, this is Joe.
Hi.
Well...
We're engaged.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, God.
[INAUDIBLE]
[GOOD KING WENCESLAS PLAYING]
What's wrong with you?
What are you talking about, engaged?
A boyfriend is one thing,
but engaged is a completely different story.
I made a mistake.
You think?
When I agreed to come here
with you,
this whole thing is
way too insane.
Well, now it is.
I mean, engaged?
You probably don't believe
in global warming,
okay? I could never marry you.
I'm sorry, but, please.
Why? 'Cause I'm not
already married?
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
You know what?
I've wasted enough time.
Merry Christmas.
No, Joe, wait.
I'm sorry, Joe, one sec...
[SIGHS]
Okay?
Yeah.
CHARLOTTE:
Hi, honey. Congratulations.
Where's Joe?
Oh.
Honey?
[GLASS CLINKING]
ELEANOR: Mom, please, just don't
make that face.
I swear to God, if I look up
and you're making that face
I'm gonna lose it.
But I'm not making a face.
Actually, Charlotte,
you are.
Sam this is
my everyday face.
You're going like this.
No, I'm...
I am not.
Okay, I'll be a Sphinx, right?
See? Hi, honey.
Oh, God, there it is!
What?
Now, Buttons, calm down.
Calm down?
Really, Dad, calm down?
Nothing makes people less calm
than being told to calm down.
And now
you're making that face.
Dad, you're just
as bad as Mom.
[SIGHS]
Honey. Honey-bunny.
Oh, God, please,
stop mothering me.
But I am your mother
and I feel for you.
No, you feel sorry for me.
And you make me feel that I'm a person
that people should feel sorry for.
That-
But you know, hey,
it wouldn't be Christmas
without Eleanor
coming home
to disappoint everyone.
ALL:
You're not a disappointment.
Right, okay.
Well, let me just give you
your Christmas present early.
Mom, Dad,
Joe is actually...
...a smoker.
He is a chain-smoker.
That's right.
Just can't seem to quit.
It's tough.
SAM: Oh, well...
You know what,
this calls for a toast.
Yeah.
Bubbly, bubbly.
I'm an alcoholic.
Wow.
[THUMP]
I'm just kidding.
Yeah.
[SAM LAUGHING]
Quite a kidder.
Yeah, just can't help it.
Aw, try.
Hey.
We're here.
Oh, Mom?
Yeah, what?
Just don't mention anything
about the engagement, okay?
'Cause we haven't told
Joe's parents yet.
That's fine, that's good.
Okay.
Charlie, what happened
to your face?
Oh, he...
Oh, my God.
Everyone, um, this is Joe.
And, yes... And Joe
and your Aunt Eleanor
are engaged.
Charlotte!
What? Oh, my God.
Mom.
It just slipped out, I don't know.
I'm sorry, I don't know what...
AUNT FISHY: Right hand, orange,
and left hand, blue.
Okay, yes.
I got a right on orange.
I thought we just said it
ten seconds ago.
[FAMILY PLAYING TWISTER]
[SNORTS]
[GUITAR STRUMMING]
[ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HIGH PLAYING]
Angels we have
heard on high
Sweetly swinging
o'er the plains
And the mountains in reply
Echoing their
joyous strains
Gloria
In Excelsis Deo
Children, go
where I send thee
How shall I send thee?
I'm gonna send thee
three by three
Three for the
Hebrew children
Two for Paul and Silas
One for the itty-bitty baby
Born, born,
born in Bethlehem
Hey!
Hava nagila, hava nagila
Hava nagila ve-nis'mecha
[BARKING]
Have yourself a merry
little Christmas
Let your heart
be light
Hang a shining star
Upon the highest bow
And have yourself
A merry little Christmas
Now
CHARLOTTE: Wow.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, huh?
Kiss her, Grandpa.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh. [LAUGHING]
Oh, Bo. Oh, dear.
You're suppose to kiss me.
Oh, okay.
What are we doing here?
Is this where
you left your car?
Yes?
Merry Christmas.
Thanks for the ride.
If I ask you a question,
would you answer
me honestly?
Try me.
Are you really a psychiatrist?
Of course, I am, sort of.
I'm a life coach.
But you said
you were a doctor.
Well...
You heard of Dr. Seuss?
I'm Dr. Newport.
Wow.
Officer Williams?
Can I give you a hug?
No.
All right, then.
A word of advice?
Certainly. If I were you...
For you, not from you.
Of course.
You should buy your sister the most
expensive gift you can find.
Try and be be the person
you want to become.
NARRATOR: Emma was filled
with a tiny distant memory
she wasn't
sure even happened,
when her world was still
open to the possibility of magic.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Yeah.
Carrots.
SAM: Everybody make sure
you try those potatoes.
Single perfect form, you be...
[GLASS CLINKING]
ELEANOR: Oh, Dad?
I've been thinking about
our family a lot today.
And I have something
that I'd like to say.
I want to tell you...
No! Please, no.
...how happy I am
that we're all here together.
Well, hear, hear.
We don't spend much time
under the same roof,
but no matter what happens...
we are family.
Oh, God, look at
Bo's shiny, little face.
Well, I think
that what Grandpa is...
trying to say is...
that celebrations like this
they just kind of...
remind us of...
how...
Irreplaceable.
Irreplaceable...
So, just...
But you know what, that is
enough said on that front, right?
Let's just toast to
celebrations, everyone.
ALL: Cheers!
Okay.
Cheers.
I'm hungry.
I know. I hate to say it,
but Emma's not here yet.
CHARLOTTE:
I think we should wait.
I think it's important
for us to wait
for just a few minutes.
Maybe the storm has knocked
out some traffic signals.
Yeah, but she's always late.
Let's just dig in!
Yes.
Go ahead. It's Christmas, right?
Yes.
Aren't we going to say grace?
Well, just let me finish,
for one second, Joe.
Dad, would you like
to say grace?
Not really.
Well, maybe you'd like
to listen to Bo
say grace. Bo, would
you like to give thanks?
No, thanks.
Okay.
You know what, I'll do it.
Oh. All right.
Oh.
Dear Lord,
or whoever is listening,
thank you for this beautiful meal
when there are so many who have so little.
And although I'm not with
my own family tonight,
I'm grateful to be sharing
Christmas with such a thoughtful,
loving family...
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ!
Holy...
It's Rags.
[INDISTINCT TALK]
Mother of God, what are you
feeding that animal?
Oh, Rags.
Yikes.
[ALL CONTINUE EXCLAIMING]
HANK: It's okay. At least,
dinner smells good.
Right?
Fabulous.
Let's dig in.
[CUTLERY CLANGING]
What's the matter?
CHARLOTTE: The pepper?
Is that what it is?
It needs more potato.
I can't believe
you're getting married, El.
BO: Congratulations.
Yeah, congratulations.
HANK: I just can't believe it.
Mmm. Stop saying that.
It's just...
Joe, do you really know
what you're getting into?
Yeah, I've never
been more certain.
Actually, I got down
on one knee when I proposed.
She had her doubts,
but I didn't.
Yeah, I knew it
the minute I met her.
Kiss her. Kiss her.
BO: Come on.
Kiss!
AUNT FISHY: Go ahead.
Give her a kiss.
Come on.
[CLAPPING]
[CHEERS]
AUNT FISHY: That is a kiss.
NARRATOR:
When Emma entered the dining room,
she remembered to be the person
she wanted to become.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
You're finally here.
We've been missing you.
NARRATOR:
But when confronted by family,
she forgot.
Good, you started without me.
Don't get up.
I'm so sorry.
Dad and Eleanor both brought guests.
Oh, can I sit here
near you, Madison?
I'd like to sit next to the
prettiest girl at the table, is that okay?
You're such a...
ALL: Madison?
NARRATOR: As Aunt Fishy slept, she dreamt
of dancing at the Mocamba,
Christmas of '46,
knowing for certain
she could get any man in the place,
Never considering she would be
anything but young.
The night had become
so haunted by ghosts of Christmases past
that Rags began to stress-eat.
I think it's time
to go around the table
and tell each other our
wish for the new year, right?
Oh, God.
What?
What? I mean, everybody
loves this game and
we play it every year.
Everybody hates this game.
And no one has
the nerve to tell you.
Emma.
Does anyone enjoy this?
I'd just like to say,
it's so wonderful to see
my daughters together.
I remember when Charlotte
wouldn't even
be in the Christmas play,
unless they let Emma in too.
They would sneak down and eat
the cookies Effie made for Santa
and they thought
we didn't know about it,
but we did.
Dad, you're so right.
You're my sister,
and I love you
Okay.
Mash potatoes?
Did you get the B-I-K-E-S
for the K-I-D-S?
No. I thought we could go with
something hand-made this year.
Hank, we agreed on the bikes.
Right, I just...
You know...
Hand-made gifts are
from the soul, right?
They can't ride a soul to
school, they wanted bikes.
Kids want bikes.
Sam,
that was the best dinner
I ever had in my entire mouth.
I'm so glad
to hear that, Aunt Fishy.
How was the trip, dear?
Fantastic.
NARRATOR: Rags knew he was eating
his emotions, but could not stop himself.
Could you pass
the, uh, green beans?
Yeah, sure.
You know what,
here, let me get them for you.
It's okay. I got it.
It's all right, I'm holding it.
I can get my own green beans,
it's fine.
Can I, please, just get
my own green beans?
Yes, just trying
to be helpful.
You know what
would have been helpful,
is if you would have done
what you said you're gonna do.
Now I have two helmets
sitting under my tree.
ANGIE:
This is exactly why I left.
HANK: This is why you left?
ANGIE: Yes.
Seems like you had a whole
lot more reasons than that,
'cause you left so fast
there was a cartoon swoosh cloud
in the doorway.
I should have left
a long time ago.
Stop fighting!
Why can't you stop fighting?
Why wont you stop?
All right, everybody,
let's just stop it, okay?
Just shut up and eat.
I mean, we all...
We love each other
and it's Christmas.
It's the most wonderful time
of the year!
[CRASHING]
SAM: Storm took out
the power lines.
CHARLOTTE: Stop it. No.
SAM: Madison, don't be
scared, all right?
Bucky! Bucky!
Dad!
Dad?
[SOUL CAKE PLAYING]
[SIREN WAILING]
We're setting up
a CAT scan immediately.
I can only imagine
how shaken up you all must be.
It's quite
the Christmas present.
Thank you, Doctor.
Hank...
FOMO.
You have to wait back here.
Wait!
What the hell
are you doing with your life?
You're sleeping with that oily
doctor when you're engaged?
Dr. Morrissey?
That's... Mom, I really don't
know where you got that,
but you're having a rough night
so I'm going to let it slide.
But, honestly, Mom,
that's ridiculous.
You know something, you always
talk too loudly when you're lying.
I do not. That's...
Uh-huh.
That's not even...
Fine.
I knew you wouldn't understand.
In fact, I knew you would
react exactly like this.
I see.
And... Oh, perfect.
There's the face.
Did I do something wrong?
Was I too preoccupied with Lucy?
Did I make you feel
like you don't deserve more?
Please, stop,
this isn't about you.
Stop treating me like I'm
something that's broken.
Okay? You can't fix me.
Just go fix yourself.
This is who I am.
You need to accept that I'm
never going to be the person
that you want me to be.
You are the person
I want you to be,
except...
Except.
Yeah, except, you
deserve more. I think you could
build a life with this Joe.
Oh, Mom.
Joe is a prop.
Joe is a stranger
I picked up in an airport bar.
He is something I invented,
so that I didn't have
to face your face.
Eleanor.
Just...
This could happen
to anyone, Madison.
There was a lot of yelling going
on, I'm surprised...
it doesn't happen
more often.
In your defense,
it was probably
the dump salad.
There's a reason
it's called that.
I tried, Madison.
Damn it, I tried.
What?
She doesn't love me anymore.
Forty years.
Gone.
Poof
Thank you, Tinkerbell.
I don't even think I kissed
him hello tonight.
You can kiss him tomorrow,
because he's gonna be all right. Really, Emma.
Oh, that's right, Charlotte.
Everything's always balloons and Jello.
Wow, I realize that
we haven't been close
but I guess I just
didn't really know how much...
you don't like me.
It's not that I don't like you,
it's just that I love you more
when I'm not with you.
It's like we're allergic
to each other.
But, hey, we were
branded from birth.
I'm the coward.
Dad always said you're the brave one.
No, Dad didn't say
that at all.
Dad said you're the brave one
and I'm the nice one.
No. I'm the smart one,
you're the brave one.
No, please...
I'm the coward.
No, I'm the coward.
No, I am, that's what Dad said.
For God's sake!
I'm the coward.
No. Don't even
kid yourself.
Dad said that you're the brave one
and I'm the nice one.
I am the coward!
You are the brave one
and you're the smart one.
I'm the coward.
Ladies! Ladies! Shh.
Yes, of course. Sorry.
[SIGHS]
Tell me what
happened to us?
You got the happy gene.
I didn't.
That's not true.
Charlotte...
No.
You could be happy
licking an envelope.
But, hey, I'd be happy too,
if I had everything.
Everything? You think
I've had everything?
If you ever just asked me once how I am,
you'd know that my life is just
as screwed up as your life.
Charlotte, look at me.
I am a fully grown woman.
You sat me at the kids table!
You have no idea what that feels like,
and you never will, you have a family,
I am alone.
Don't I count as family?
Don't my kids count
as family?
They're your family too,
god dammit!
They are your family.
NURSE: Ladies!
Out!
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
[RING THEM BELLS PLAYING]
NARRATOR:
Despite his broken heart,
Sam asked Madison for a dance,
determined to erase the image
of the 2nd floor men's room of
the First Butler Hospital
from the memory of her
5th Christmas eve.
Miss Newport,
I have some news.
So, your father had
a small stroke.
He's stabilized now
and he's gonna be fine.
You can see him later,
but right now we'd like him to rest.
DOCTOR: You can see him
when he wakes up.
HANK: But he's okay?
His vitals are fine,
he's just resting.
I'll check back in
with you later.
SAM: Good, great.
CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
DOCTOR: He's sleeping right now.
Get outta town.
Your doctor is "married guy"?
No.
Yeah, I met him
a couple of years ago
when I brought my grandpa
in for a check up.
A little agey, isn't he?
Well, let him down easy.
I mean,
even a married guy doesn't
deserve to get dumped on Christmas, right?
Seriously?
You are not this person.
Kinda look like her, though,
don't I?
No.
You don't even know me.
What?
After today?
Wow.
Lying really does
come easy to you.
Okay, how about this
for the truth?
I've known you
for eight hours,
and you are leaving in five.
I'm sorry about your Grandpa, hon,
but he's gonna be okay. I promise.
Be careful over there, okay?
Yeah, you too.
Lucky me.
I get to see you at Christmas.
Wanna see what I got you?
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT]
The first Noel
the angels did say
Was to certain
poor shepherds...
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, no.
[CRASH]
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry!
Excuse me.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Wait. No. Hold the elevator!
[CLEARS THROAT]
[GASPS]
That was a good one.
You would've loved
to have seen you.
You didn't leave.
I couldn't.
We're too good a story.
You picked me up in a bar.
You came on to me.
You stalked me
in an airport.
You begged me
to go home with you.
I couldn't get rid of you.
Yeah, we finally agree
on something.
We're together just to say
goodbye, you know.
I know.
You're like Clarence,
sent down to save
my wonderful life.
Merry Christmas.
Merry...
...Christmas.
LAUREN: Hey, Charlie.
Lauren?
I got your text.
My...
Oh, yeah, no, of course.
Right, my text.
I text girls all the time.
That's what I do, you know.
I didn't think
you were gonna come.
It's Christmas Eve.
Oh, no. It's no big deal.
We're Jewish, so, we were
just getting Chinese food, so...
Take your coat off and everything,
these are my parents right there.
Well...
Maybe we should...
give them a little privacy.
Yes, that's probably
a good idea.
HANK [WHISPERING]:
Bo, Bo, come here.
Why don't we go over
here for little bit?
ANGIE: Come over here, honey.
Stop staring.
I can't stop.
Last year, the 3rd grade class
picture came out all squinty.
They're interviewing
Bud Bartlett, but
he doesn't care about
getting a good shot.
I could talk
to the principal and...
Bo told me tonight.
I actually have to go,
I'm sorry.
I promised my boyfriend
that I'd meet his family.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you should get going.
And, Angie, I...
I want you to be happy.
Oh, God, what is that?
I, ugh...
HANK: There goes the tree.
HANK: Should we intervene?
They need a referee?
ANGIE: It's disturbing.
HANK: It's not safe.
[MAKING KISSING NOISES]
Can I tell you something,
without knowing anything about you?
I think you need Jello.
You have his smile.
I got lucky.
You know, I think that
your hands were the first thing
I loved about you.
I'm gonna miss them.
I think, at first, I held on
so tight to the kids because
of all that we went through
and how much I loved them.
But now...
I think I'm holding on
because...
I don't know who I am
if I don't.
My love for them...
it's so huge.
I kinda got lost in it, you know?
And a part of me,
like you said...
A part of me got small.
No.
You're not small.
I didn't even agree
with me when I said it.
You're beautiful and ridiculous.
No.
And as passionate
as you always were.
It's about different things now.
Yeah.
We had a great run,
Charlotte.
Nobody can say
we didn't try.
No, we tried.
[SNIFFLING]
Let's go on the trip.
You don't have to.
No, look at me, honey,
I want to go with you.
Really?
That's incredible.
Oh, Charlotte...
I don't really know
if we should go to Africa.
What?
Bo said Hank got laid off.
Oh, my God, I knew it.
The tell tale snort.
That snort.
But, I can...
take you out to
a really amazing dinner.
We could go to some
fancy Ethiopian place
with native dress.
You can take me to IHOP,
for all I care.
Yeah, me too.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my...
Hi, Sam.
Hi.
[CHARLOTTE LAUGHS]
Good for them.
Why waste a moment?
We're here for such a short time.
[LITTLE DRUMMER BOY PLAYING]
I need a last minute gift that
doesn't involve teddy bears,
balloons or pictures
of children with big eyes.
You can never
go wrong with chocolate.
No.
Get me the most expensive thing
that you have.
You shouldn't have done this.
I feel so ridiculous.
Here we go. Oh!
Emma, no!
No, look...
What?
That's the most expensive
thing they had.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I really like it.
'Cause what says Christmas
better than a shower seat?
HANK: Exactly. Well said.
I could really use
that shower seat.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Merry Christmas.
To you, Mom.
SAM: To family.
NARRATOR: Bucky woke up with
an unexpected craving for lime Jello.
As everyone sat
around the table,
the past, present and future
were coming together
for one elusive night.
[ALL CHATTING AND LAUGHING]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Fate was kind, playing
that particular muzak just then.
Um, excuse me, Madison.
Might I steal this man
away from you?
Oh, yeah?
Uh-huh. Can I?
Mom.
NARRATOR: Sam and Charlotte relished
in the closeness
brought on by the time
well spent on the trip not yet taken.
I still got it.
[IF NOT FOR YOU PLAYING]
[ALL MUTTERING]
I've never seen that.
ELEANOR:
Are they are really doing this?
NARRATOR: Eleanor let go of her past
enough to be in the present.
Instead of trying to present
the perfect picture,
Hank celebrated this moment
un-photoshopped.
Do you want to dance?
Me?
Hank and Ruby took
their first step on the right foot.
All the more meaningful,
because Bucky had led them to it.
HANK: Whoo!
[RUBY LAUGHING]
And Charlie would always
remember his first kiss.
His sloppy, awkward,
but very first kiss.
You look pretty, Emma.
Do you want to dance?
Gosh, I would love to dance.
I would really love to dance.
Emma finally recognized she was
already part of a large family.
As Bucky stood, taking them in,
his family unaware of him,
this thought entered his head,
which he shared with
a large Haitian orderly.
Such a fuss...
when everything we want is right
in front of us the whole time.
And at last, everyone
appreciated that very sentiment.
Why is it they can never
remember that?
Or maybe the point is, even
just for a moment, they do.
Well, that's my tale.
Sometimes, I wonder about
all the families sharing dinner together.
Each house,
each family,
each one with stories
of their own.
I don't know who chooses
our families for us.
Or if there's a reason
we land where we do.
But my family
will be home soon.
Loyal and affectionate,
but untrainable.
Perfectly imperfect.
They're only human.
And that's enough for me.
Merry Christmas to all. Woof!
[THE LIGHT OF CHRISTMAS DAY PLAYING]
One, two,
you know what to do.
[SINGING WE THREE KINGS]
[SCATTING]
[ALL SINGING]
[ALL SINGING SILENT NIGHT]
Round young virgin...
[SINGING WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS]