1
Why am I the target of this camera?
A NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY
I have a certain resistance
to seeing myself
as an object
of an investigation or attention.
And this is something
that bothers me during interviews.
I end up answering, of course,
because...
because answering also interests me.
It is a heavy burden to me,
as, in a way,
I often hide things from myself.
E-MAILS FROM LAERTE
See you here tomorrow
at 4:30pm, then? Kisses!
Actually, I would like to postpone it.
I am not at all comfortable
with recording here.
I think I need more time.
E-MAIL FROM ELIANE
Hi, Laerte.
I am not sure
time will make things easier.
It has been over a year
since the first time you refused.
Sometimes, time only makes things
taboo and makes monsters bigger.
EMAIL FROM LAERTE
Perhaps I don't mean more time,
but another time.
I have been particularly tense.
I have had a few people over
for quick interviews,
and I was anxious for them to go away
as soon as possible.
Our meeting
will not be a quick interview.
I think I would rather postpone it,
knowing what it means.
EMAIL FROM ELIANE
I think it is important
for us to keep our meeting,
and restart this documentary
from whenever possible.
And it is important
for it not become a burden to us.
Each meeting doesn't
need to be a big event.
Sometimes they are just un-events,
routines, small details...
and also sometimes uncomfortable moments.
Can you suggest a place
where you would feel good?
EMAIL FROM LAERTE
I can't think of anywhere.
I think you're right. It is like
therapy or psychoanalysis.
Let's do it at mine
and see how it goes. Bye.
Valente, my grandson,
had never been here either.
-I stopped him coming in.
-Oh, really?
Not now.
He is walking, he is all...
He's all biped.
So I wanted him to come.
I was a bit impatient.
My daughter-in-law was too,
and also Rafael.
Everybody liked it.
He found it nice, he was...
He got to the kitchen and said "skull!".
It was the first thing he saw.
"Do you like it?" "I do."
He loves my dad. Loves him!
He slept over there
recently for the first time.
He loved it. It's his grandpa.
We decided this - me, him and my dad.
What would he be?
Grandma or grandpa?
M's father passed away,
so there was no other grandpa
and there were
eight grandmas at the table.
So we asked him if he would be happy
being the grandpa, to fill a gap.
He said, "yes, it's fine."
How was it with your dad, the first time
you showed up dressed as a woman?
He was a bit pissed off.
But my mom...
She changed his mind, I think.
My father is more uptight
about these things.
Homosexuality and gender issues.
He is not open about these things.
He did try,
and I think his effort was great.
And I also think there is something
about being old, a kind of detachment.
My father is a retired professor.
He knows about rocks.
DAD?
IS THIS YOU, DAD?
THESE ARE MY TEETH.
SHOULD I TRY TO GET IN?
YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET OUT.
I remember what he...
When I started studying at FAAP,
there were many queers,
it was very artsy.
This climate was sort of evident
and he didn't hide his discontentment.
-About you being there?
-He would say that he found it odd.
"Look at those poofs over there."
And when I looked,
they were all friends of mine.
The hardest thing for me was my mom.
Up until the publication
of Bravo Magazine,
when the whole thing became public,
I was happy keeping my clandestine life.
I was more conformed than happy.
I knew she wouldn't,
under any circumstances,
reject me or anything like that.
But I knew she had objections to express.
And she reacted in a way
that is very typical of her.
Her first reactions
were full of humor and very favorable.
She said: "I think I have
some skirts and dresses here for you
that I no longer wear."
But that is my mom.
She first reacts with humor.
And she sort of kept the relationship
the way we always had.
Very loving and affectionate.
Then, she expressed her objections:
"Be careful."
"You might be bullied,
harassed or assaulted."
"Assaulted," she said.
But there was no way
of making her feel appeased.
She was...
I think she still worries about it today.
And then she is also worried
about the theoretical question.
Because she is a biologist,
the concept of life she has...
It is biology dictating logic.
So I think she doesn't really understand
the way I see it
or how gender issues are seen today.
She gets that, okay, the person
feels that way, but it's not real.
What is being a woman?
My mom, for example,
says it is giving birth.
I asked her why
and she said that's where she felt
closest to an idea of being a woman.
It was her biggest accomplishment,
existentially.
-But that would leave you out.
-Yes, it leaves me out.
I have no illusions about that.
She doesn't think I'm a woman.
But how do you think she sees you?
It's not real, it's not...
I am not sure. I think she sees me,
first of all, as the son she had.
For 60 years I was her son.
And...
I think she is restless with...
with ideas
that might be disturbing for her.
She understands
there is a normal and natural way.
Where she doesn't use
quotation marks, you know?
You said it was difficult with her,
but the way you tell it,
it doesn't sound like it.
Yes... it was hard.
And it is hard because she represents
something very serious to me,
something very...
She is not just a person
I want to appease
and to make sure
she feels comfortable.
No. She is a fundamental
person in my life.
And she always will be.
It's not that she was fundamental.
She is fundamental.
-I like this sugar, it...
-I think it is quite pretty.
-Yes, it forms these little blocks...
-It is shiny.
I used to like...
When I went to the beach, the river...
When it reaches the sea,
it digs into the sand.
The riverbed changes a lot.
Depending on the water flow,
the riverbed comes, it goes...
So, there are many...
The edge of the sand
makes these little fjords.
And I used to love playing
with those things,
changing the water course until...
Boom! A big chunk would fall off.
It's the same with sugar.
-Was this when you were a kid?
-Yeah, more as a kid.
My father bought
a piece of land in Juquehy
and built a pre-fabricated house there.
In 1966.
What song do you want?
I want Spider Man.
Spider Man, Spider Man...
No, this is where we play. Here...
The black ones?
We play and put it in the little hole.
Ah, I know. It was not Spider Man.
It was Batman.
Batman!
You said you are afraid
of exposing yourself.
What exactly are you afraid of exposing?
I don't know.
I once said it is because I am afraid
people will realize that I am a fraud.
I am afraid they will realize...
They will realize it. I am afraid...
I don't like people to come into my house
because they will see that it's a mess,
that it's not a regular house.
HOW DO YOU MAKE
A SMALL HOUSE SEEM BIG?
I have lived here for 12 years.
I still haven't decided what I want there.
Everything is still temporary.
It is an eternal temporary.
Sort of exposed.
Exposed wires, the baseboard...
The baseboard is falling to pieces
and I still haven't sorted it out.
I will end up doing it at some point.
We don't always
do things logically, do we?
From my son's death to 2009,
when I decided, "Enough, I will become
a woman. I will start this journey",
different things happened.
WE DON'T NEED TO FORGE THE FACE WE ONCE HAD (HERE IN 2016)
Growing my beard, radically changing
my work, abandoning the characters.
I say abandoning
because it is just a way of saying it.
I left aside making use of characters.
I left aside using
the construction of comical discourse
the way I used to.
I went through all of these things.
But I had already started investigating
myself as a transgender person.
And I stopped.
And at this point,
some sort of bell rang inside of me,
when Diogo died.
And I thought it was... I don't know.
I asked myself several times,
why did this sound inadequate to me?
Why wasn't messing with my work
in a way that was absolutely shameless
considered inadequate
but this thing was?
This was...
I keep thinking about these things.
I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
PLAYING VIDEOGAMES
AND EXPLAINING ALL THE GAMES,
THE LEVELS, THE OBJECTIVES...
I ASKED YOU - WHAT IF A GAME
DOES NOT HAVE AN OBJECTIVE?
YOU SAID:
EVERY GAME HAS AN OBJECTIVE!
TRUE.
BUT, MAYBE,
NOT EVERYTHING IS A GAME.
Diogo's death was a trigger for this.
It is kind of horrible to say this,
death as a trigger.
But what does death leave us, really?
For Diogo, it means everything.
For Diogo, it meant everything.
It is a sort of self-fulfilling subject.
What about those who stay here?
IF IT IS, I THINK THIS IS THE END OF ONE.
-IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU THINK?
-YES.
BUT IT'S WEIRD THAT WE'RE HERE,
TALKING AS USUAL,
-AND NOT HUGGING, FOR EXAMPLE.
-DAD...
IT IS NOT LIKE A SPIRITIST FILM.
DEATH DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY THE SAME.
I CHANGED A BIT WHEN YOU DIED.
THAT'S GOOD...
We are no longer
negotiating only with him.
We are negotiating with ourselves.
What makes sense,
what doesn't make sense anymore...
I see this moment
as a lifting the veils moment.
Hugo is now Muriel.
YEAH, FOLKS...
UNDER THIS DRESS THERE IS
A PROSTATE PULSING, JUST LIKE YOURS...
As a tribute to the fact
that this character was my forerunner
because he showed up dressed as Muriel.
He was not Muriel yet.
And I got an email from a friend, saying:
WHAT?
SOMETIMES A GUY NEEDS TO DRESS UP!
"Listen, this is too obvious."
"Your petticoat is showing", you know?
"Your desire is showing."
A... A... A...
ATCHOO!
MURIEL FLU:
ONE SNEEZE AND IT DRESSES YOU UP!
He rarely comes out as Hugo now.
-But was it jointly with your...
-It was jointly with me.
When I also became the female Laerte,
he also became Muriel.
TIME TO TRAVEL.
IS MURIEL STAYING OR GOING?
GOING.
I decided to completely change
the things I was doing in 2004.
The paths I was trying out,
they were sort of
in the "obedient boy" arena.
I tried it, because I was a talented kid,
but I didn't go beyond trying,
because I was obedient.
I left it in the trial field.
In a way, I started becoming this
autonomous woman at that moment too,
regarding my work.
I decided to stop
tapping and digging and did it at once.
DO YOU WANT TO BUY AN ENCYCLOPAEDIA?
Where did I end up?
GREAT PRIZE IN THE RECYCLED IDEAS
INTERNATIONAL FAIR
I ended up in creative processes
before I was a professional.
Before I entered the professional field.
And then,
while doing this type of production,
I started to understand
something that I already understood.
I understood it in my flesh.
That professionalization
in creation works, expression works,
in the construction
of small cages and limits.
Also...
It is possible that this movement
in itself has taken so much of my energy
that I wouldn't stand doing anything else.
That is possible. I think about this too.
So much so that, after a while...
okay, it had been four years, but...
But that's a while.
After a while, I could not stand myself.
I said: "I will go now. I need to go now."
WELL, GOODBYE, THEN.
I AM GOING OUT!
DRESSED UP?
NO, I'M GOING AS HUGO...
I'M GIVING MURIEL A REST.
-OR SHE'LL COME TO LIFE!
-HA! HA! HA!
I'LL PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE THIS...
The first outfit
that I wore was something
I actually got rid of.
It was the fact
that I removed my body hair.
The first impact of this change,
more than wearing female underwear
and seeing it in the mirror,
because I had already done that.
But when I was lying there
being waxed,
I saw parts of me appearing.
"Wow, my leg!"
Wow! You know? That was the prelude.
What did you see in this mirror?
It was a different person.
And I wanted to see me as a whole.
And then, when I saw myself,
I couldn't believe it.
-I was jumping, like this.
-Were you?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE MOS ABOUT DRESSING UP?
FEELING THE LIGHTNESS
AND JOY OF BEING A WOMAN!
WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUGO?
I LOVE THE MASCARA MARK
THE TEAR LEAVES BEHIND!
YEAH, THAT'S AWESOME!
This is something
that I think is tightly linked
to my phase
of invading the feminine world.
And it brought me freshness,
it is clearly a novelty to me.
And it became a means of expression.
I am no longer dressing myself
simply to not be naked.
This "masculine mode" of presenting
oneself is falsely unpretentious.
It is pretentious. Of course it is.
All of the modes are.
But it's unconscious,
maybe it is typical of a human category
who thinks, who is always in power?
Men.
"The world is mine,
I will go out however I like."
There is something about this point.
Women don't feel that.
They are not in their own world,
they are in men's world,
so they need to be careful,
they need to be conscious.
"How do I look?"
Hang in there, buddy.
You will see Mr Larcio screaming.
-Here, son...
-Oh, dear.
Hang in there.
He suffers a lot in my hands, you see.
-Do you think I give him a break?
-But don't do it just to show off.
No... Here, look.
Do you think this is me showing off?
Can I leave something like this
inside you?
I am protecting you.
I am protecting you, dear.
-Don't poke me just to make me scream.
-No.
- Do you want to see him scream?
-Yeah.
I know...
No, my friend,
I will never do that to you.
You are my friend, my brother, I told you.
She does not call me a woman,
there is no way.
-I have tried explaining it to her.
-My friend Lartia. There you go.
-She introduces me as her "big bro".
- My "big bro".
So I started thinking,
do I really want to change my name?
And I came to the conclusion that I don't.
I really like my name, Laerte.
Then I found out
there is a Mrs Laerte Soares,
who was first lady of So Bernardo.
That was, to me...
It was decisive.
There is a woman named Laerte.
-DON'T CALL ME HUGO, OKAY? I AM MURIEL.
-SINCE WHEN?
SINCE A FAIRY CAME,
LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME SAID:
...NOW, YOUR NAME IS...
ERIKA BALLYHOO!!
I opened a hatch, I opened a door,
which is taking me
to things I've never done.
And they interest me a lot.
I feel, more than I believe,
that I am doing something very vital.
And this is what I want to do.
You are investigating
what being a woman means to you?
Yes. I am investigating
the woman I can be.
SIR, YOU CANNOT BOARD LIKE THAT.
"SIR"?
MADAM, YOU CANNOT BOARD LIKE THAT.
"MADAM"?
YOU CAN'T BOARD LIKE THAT.
"LIKE THAT"?
This was the big drama until 2004.
It was something that hadn't reached
a conscious level as a possibility,
it was a fantasy
I reserved for my characters to use.
WOOHOO! I LOVE TESTS!
I would let Hugo cross dress,
I let him wear make-up.
And he, in his comical speech,
was fatally seen as ridiculous.
SO BORING...
And Lola...
I like her a lot because she is...
free.
She doesn't have an attitude repertoire,
she doesn't have anything.
She is just a bird flying.
-DO HOUSES FLY?
-I HAD TO LEARN, LOLA...
We see a bird flying
as something without a purpose.
But for the bird, it is every purpose.
It is looking for something.
It is not just fluttering, hovering.
No, it is going somewhere.
-How about you?
-Huh?
-How about you?
-Well, I am going somewhere too.
I am just not sure where to.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL, LOLA!
...WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE LEAVES?
THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH GREEN!
LOLA, THE SWALLOW
When I started this transition,
I knew I would not become a woman,
in the sense of changing my genitals
and being born again.
This idea of being born again
has never crossed my mind.
So, what I felt was happiness
at being able to exercise this freedom,
and being able to take this journey
and broaden my borders,
to the point that I don't need it anymore.
I don't need to be
in somebody else's country and not mine.
In a way, you feel
as if you were in a different country,
you feel like you're learning a new
language when you learn certain things
that are sometimes presented
to you as challenges.
"Ah, so you want to be a woman,
but you don't even know how to...
You haven't shaved your armpits."
And then, okay, I shave my armpits.
"Ah, so you want to be a woman
but you don't know how to sit."
So, you learn how to sit.
"You want to be a woman,
but you don't know how to..."
There are things that you need,
in a way. You have to know them.
They are a language, in a way.
I am discovering, within what exists
in the universe of things,
what is offered to women.
What serves me, what fits me,
what expresses me.
How can you be a woman,
leaving the body aside? Is it possible?
There is no way
you can leave the body aside.
But it cannot be just about the body.
I mean, the body question is vital,
but it cannot be all,
otherwise we...
accept biology as the only way.
Your uterus is your destiny,
that type of thing.
And that's not how it goes.
So...
The body is part
of a complex negotiation.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED!
NOT THERE, EITHER!
THAT'S YOURS NOW!
What is being a woman?
I have learned
that it is possible
to be a woman with my genitals, yes.
What is it to feel like a woman?
It is something I feel I am.
It is something I feel I am more and more.
END OF PARTY NIGH IT COMES WITH THE SAD
BUT NECESSARY PART.
GIVING MURIEL A REST...
WOOHOO!
Now, is it definite or not?
You're a woman and that's it?
You get a stamp?
No, because this question
is becoming something of less importance.
It ends up being like this...
Why do I need
to officially be a man or a woman?
I am not building a feminine identity,
but that's because
I don't need any identity.
It may be that the identity
I already have is working fine.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU WILL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN.
OH DEAR. NOW WHAT?
I was never attracted to breasts,
for example.
Specifically in the girlfriends
and women that were objects of my desire,
breasts were not exactly
special items to me.
But at any time during sex,
have you wished you had them?
-Being in this other...
-Ah, well, that I always had.
No, but having breasts, having...
Not wanting that person's breasts,
but wanting breasts for yourself.
Never very much. Clearly, I never did.
I always hid these things from myself...
The certainty of my desires...
They always came...
BREASTULAN
INSTANT BREASTS
...they came unknown, even to myself.
WOOHOO!
WARNING:
DO NOT SCREAM OR THEY WILL DEFLATE
There is something
about the simplicity of breasts
which the genital transformation
does not have.
Genital transformation is,
to me, a little scary,
because it involves a revolution...
It is almost a battle fought in a region,
both to go from man to woman
and from woman to man.
Why is your experience public?
-Why is it happening on a stage?
-In a way, it's like the interviews.
Because it was asked of me.
-But you want it too?
-Yes.
-Otherwise you would say no.
-So much that I posed naked.
And that was my idea.
The pictures were not intended
to be sexy or anything like that.
It was the meaning of human nudity.
Naked is something very rich to me.
And I wanted to go there
personally as well.
I didn't want to just see myself naked.
I wanted to show myself naked too.
-How are you?
-You look great!
-You too. You look great.
-Thanks!
-Especially naked. I loved it.
-Naked? Ah! For the Rolling Stone.
-Did you like it?
-You look gorgeous.
-Wait until I have boobs.
-Ah, don't get implants!
-I will! It will be so nice.
-Don't do that! So much work. It sucks.
-I never had them, but they must suck.
-What sucks is having balls.
Oh, well...
I am daring to do something
that was in the banned area.
"Don't mess with your body."
-Banned by you?
-Yes.
So, this is something bold for me.
It is kind of strange.
I am not known for being bold.
-You aren't?
-No.
-How are you?
-Fine.
How have you been? I'm fine.
Me too.
It is changing a bit.
This pleases me too, you know?
It is a side of me
that I am enjoying to get to know.
I have a question
regarding the volume of the implants.
What exactly does it mean
to have this implant in my body?
If I am living with the idea
that I am a woman
without hormones, without hips,
and the idea is feasible to me,
then why do I need breasts?
So, it's a rollercoaster.
When will I see you?
When you bring me these...
The tests, right?
For the tests,
but it will be closer to the operation.
I don't know.
When I get home, I take off my bra...
And the boobs go with it.
I keep thinking,
"Man, I wish they would stay."
What do you think?
What do you think, Selina?
I don't see myself
as a very sexualized person, you know?
I don't see myself as somebody...
Oh God. How do I say this?
I must be more prudish than I thought.
I don't see myself as somebody
for whom
sex is something so vital.
I am not thinking about getting boobs
to exercise a sexual life.
It's not because of sex.
What are you thinking about?
I am thinking about
the symbolic significance.
I want the breasts so I can have them,
so I can live with them.
Now,
how that's going to work, I don't know.
It covers a lot, but that's okay.
I like it. It is what I want.
Okay. Bye.
When you think about getting breasts,
you are adding something.
You are inserting something.
Would you take anything out?
Yeah, maybe. The testicles.
-Would you take them out?
-I think so.
Why?
I feel a bit uncomfortable
about my scrotum.
"Scrotum" is a great name.
It is a little bag.
I find it a bit uncomfortable.
It's not something I like to have
nor encounter.
The penis is not that bad, frankly.
IF A FAIRY GRANTED ME WISHES...
GO AHEAD AND ASK!
I WOULD WANT A PAIR OF BOOBS.
JUST ASK FOR IT!
AND ALSO MORE ASS
AND SMALLER SHOULDERS.
WILL YOU ASK OR NOT?
AND RETRACTABLE TESTICLES.
HE DOESN'T LISTEN.
U.S. ABDOMEN - DRIVER'S LICENSE - TEETH
BOOBS - SHOULDER - KNEE
Rafael?
Can I show up at yours around three,
or just after?
WHILE YOU'RE ALIVE,
THERE'S DIRTY DISHES.
I would like to test this monitor
on your computer.
No, because I have...
Really, now? What time is it?
Okay, right.
Yeah. Maybe I will go, then.
I need to see what I can do here.
But okay.
Well, if I go, I go. Kisses.
Hey, go back to your place.
Dad?
Yes? It's me.
You are being filmed. Smile!
-Let's try to turn this bloody thing on.
-What?
What?
-It's better, right?
-But that's what it does.
-Look! The monitor is working, then.
-Yes.
It's the Mac Mini. Fucking hell!
-The cables are working.
-No, it's the Mac Mini that's not.
Oh, no! Really?
Rafa, many thanks for your...
You're welcome, dad.
-These Japanese are crazy, right?
-Yeah.
I am obsessed
with these modern Japanese.
This guy here is Japanese, isn't he?
-He is Belgian.
-This guy is really good.
Huh?
Belgian!
Dude, you need to read this.
It's my greatest passion at the moment.
Taiyo Matsumoto.
Are you going to lend them to me?
You don't need to take them all.
Take one, then bring it back.
Take two, three...
-Have you read them all?
-Yes.
If you've read them,
why can't I take them?
Because I am very jealous of my books.
Do you want to write that down?
I'll write it down, don't worry.
-My house is a mess, Rafa.
-Okay, so leave them here.
I give books away every day.
I don't know, I might take it there
and it might disappear.
So, leave it here.
You can read it here.
Yeah, right.
People used to say: "Wow, you've done
so much work, 40 years' worth."
And I would have
a horrible feeling of insecurity.
"My God, what if they find out
that this was a guess, that that one
is crap, that the other one is bad,
and the other one...", you know?
What if they find out?
I couldn't see what was there
at the exhibition
as a solid production that...
that represented
a professional life forever, you know?
It was not like Ziraldo's exhibition,
or Jaguar's, Millr's.
It wasn't. It was...
They were my adaptations.
The exposed wires,
a piece of fabric showing,
a piece of plaster.
I am talking figuratively.
Everything was beautiful, the execution
of the exhibition was beautiful,
but metaphorically speaking,
people didn't see this...
"My God, they don't realize it."
In this labyrinth of your work,
there is a creature that patrols it,
just like the Minotaur myth.
Anxiety or distress,
a free superego, a sexless entity
who attacks when cornered.
It may be Laerte himself,
the creature among us.
He, my familiar father, a monster.
Goodbye, baseboards!
BODY: AIDS, QUEIQUI, AND PROCTO TESTS -
VARICOSE - BOOBS
WORK: TORERO - PRINCESINHA - LONG
HOUSE: TOILET - PAINTING
The idea was that my house is inadequate.
By extension, I am inadequate.
Or I am inadequate
and by extension my house also is.
But it's the idea that
this is not the right way.
Inadequacy means that, right?
And...
I compared it
with some moments I have had
that multiplied themselves this year,
and which are occasions
where I lose what I am saying.
I can't express myself, I can't speak.
To the point where I apologize and say,
"Look, I can't do it."
Thank you. Goodnight, everyone.
I have nothing to add.
Really. I apologize to all of you.
Really, Laerte? That's fine.
Fear.
A fear. Something horrible...
Fear of what might happen,
what people might think.
Fear of not having arguments,
of not having motivation.
I start thinking that
what I have to say is unimportant.
I start thinking that it's weird.
Why are you...?
Nobody knows.
I start thinking I am there by mistake,
that they wanted
somebody else to be there
and ended up inviting me.
I start thinking the most absurd things.
I freeze. I freeze.
The sentence does not progress,
it stays there.
And that extends to everything,
it extends even to my body,
to my intentions
towards body construction
with regards to the implants,
to the care that my body demands.
Teeth, hemorrhoids, ears,
all of these things that require
some sort of attention.
They get an attention...
What?
That is pulverized.
An absentminded attention.
Inadequate.
My ear, for example. I am...
This side gets worse every day.
-Have you got a "pate", Grandpa?
-What?
Have you got a "pate"?
I don't get it.
-Have you got a "pate", Grandpa?
-Have I got what?
-"Pate"!
-Date?
"Pate"!
-"Pate"?
-No! "Pate".
I don't get it... What is it?
That...
Oh, plate? I do!
Oh dear.
Your grandma is a bit deaf.
Do you want some?
Have you peeled it?
Look.
I did.
-YOU ARE UNRECOGNIZABLE.
-SO ARE YOU.
So, how is that matter with your body?
The breasts matter?
Well, it's...
It's a confusion that is getting worse.
Regarding the breasts,
I am struggling with four verbs:
want, can, need and should.
-Tell me about each verb.
-I know I don't need them.
I don't need them,
I exist without breasts.
But I want them.
COCCINELLE,
THE MAN WHO BECAME A WOMAN! (1963)
Right now, I can.
I have the means for it. Alright.
What about the should?
The should is a very disturbing question,
as it concerns other people's views.
I always listen,
when I think about this verb,
I always hear that motherfucking fascist
pointing at me and asking me:
"What about breasts?
Are you getting them?"
Why? Because this is a document.
It really is. It really is.
Do you remember
A Man Called Horse?
There is a physical test
that needs to be undertaken.
That reveals something
about the person's availability.
"So, you're really up for it?"
Richard Harris' character accepts it
and becomes a member of the tribe
and the rite of passage
consists of sticking two pegs
in the chest skin
and being hanged by ropes
tied to the ceiling
over a bonfire with smoke on top of him.
It is beautiful! It's beautiful.
After that, during tribe life,
for the Indians,
that scar is proof of commitment.
It is what makes that man's alliance
sacred to that tribe.
It is disturbing enough.
I don't have an answer.
"I will do it because people want it."
No. This is not the type of answer I have.
But it is an insidious verb. It is there.
So...
I know I want it. I know I don't need it,
and I know that I can.
I don't know if I should.
That's it.
Is 'should' the worst of these four?
It is the worst, the most disgusting.
It is the weirdest.
I'VE DIVIDED MY LIFE PROJECTS
INTO TWO LARGE GROUPS:
THE REAL ONES AND THE FAKE ONES.
I'VE DIVIDED THE REAL ONES
INTO TWO GROUPS:
THE WELL-PROPORTIONED
AND THE PHARAONICS
I'VE DIVIDED THE WELL-PROPORTIONED
INTO TWO GROUPS: G1 AND G2.
AND I STARTED GETTING ON
WITH THE FAKE ONES.
Pose for the camera.
"Look, she brushes me.
With her brush."
I know that many trans people
have a very troubled relationship
with their bodies.
Denial.
I don't have this type of denial.
I don't think my life
until I was 60 years of age
was a waste of life,
nor a life of mistakes, a wrong life.
It wasn't. It was nice.
I am referring to this. The body.
Wrap skirts are nice
because they are one size fits all.
Whoever wants to fight and represent
also needs to be everywhere.
I don't know. I can't be in everything.
I run out of energy.
My issues are around that:
I feel old, I feel overwhelmed,
within a part of the movement.
Or inside the movement.
What is the movement?
Is there a movement?
YOU ARE OLD.
YOU ARE ANNOYING.
YOU ARE UGLY.
-YOU ARE POOR.
-IT WAS MY TURN.
That's a problem.
Wearing make-up in the heat.
-See you later.
-See you.
Tomorrow around ten, right?
Is that a good time?
Ten o'clock is great.
Human life should be good
regardless of gender.
This whole gender oppression thing
is lived in different ways
by a transgender person,
who is questioning precisely
these formulas, these cages.
Angeli, could you please ask a question?
I would like to know...
We worked together, we still do.
-We still do.
-Yes, we still do, with Los Trs Amigos.
Glauco and I,
we had this masculine position and all.
Did you feel intimidated by it in any way,
at the time?
No, not at all. Not at all.
Your masculinity
was one of the best things.
Ah, I love you, Laerte.
Do you think we are evolving
in this collective understanding?
It's hard to know,
because the LGBT mix
responds to a historical need
to defend and group around identities.
But these identities
can also work as dividers.
These words, all these terms,
due to all the social movements
they represent,
they ended up designating things
that I think need to be changed now.
These aggressions are committed
by people who don't have a clear,
open and democratic discourse.
Because their discourse
is completely unfeasible.
They say "queers need to die,
dykes need to be raped,
transvestites need to be fucked."
That cannot be said anymore.
We already live in a society where
at least that is not allowed to be said.
Transvestites and transgender are people
worthy of being considered human.
They are not there to play around,
they are not showing off,
they are using their condition,
the feminine identity
that corresponds to their intimate desire.
The construct is done according
to what is between people's legs.
The doctor opens your legs and checks:
"What do we have here?"
-Man.
-There you go.
-Woman.
-Yes.
-It's over.
-Intersex.
No, that makes him crazy.
What do I put on paper?
There are only two.
Man? Woman? Scalpel!
Inside the trans movement
there are people who are clearly fascists.
How do you see this fascism?
Or how does it show?
For example, the idea
that there is
a transvestite and transgender identity
which is undeniable
and verifiable by certain signals
and which has the power
to exclude those who do not fit.
It is trans corporatism.
Proper corporatism,
because it is also in the body.
It is corporal corporatism.
YOU WENT IN THE WRONG TOILET!
IT'S NOT MALE AND FEMALE.
IT'S MANKIND AND FREAKS.
The toilet issue, for example...
In my view,
all toilets should be gender-free.
They should be well-equipped,
safe, comfortable and gender-free.
When I visit ladies toilets,
I try to leave it cleaner than I found it.
Why?
I keep thinking
people will go in after me and say:
"Did you see the transvestite?
Look how she left things."
So, when people tell me,
"You did a very brave thing",
I don't agree with this.
I keep thinking
that I did something that took me
60 years to do.
I did it at a time
when the cost was very low.
What could I lose? Work? Very unlikely.
I already had enough capital
in professional respect.
I could have lost something.
"Oh, let's not hire that transvestite."
It could have happened. But it didn't.
So where, exactly, is my courage?
My kids were out of the house and
are absolutely open and civilized people,
my parents are open and civilized,
and so I saw myself as someone
who was doing something
which was necessary,
because when I understood
that this thing was possible,
I also understood
that it was necessary to me.
It wasn't enough going to parties
over the weekend for cross-dressing.
It was becoming something
actually necessary.
So, everything was fine,
which is not most people's experience.
For most trans people,
this transition is very complicated.
People risk their jobs,
and risk their family relationships.
I'm old, but happy.
I wore a little dress
that was absolutely slutty.
A micro dress.
Gold sequins.
Buying that was something
out of my deepest obsessions.
I walked by the store and saw it
on one of those horrible mannequins.
I looked and thought:
"I want this so bad."
And I kept going.
I didn't even think of stopping.
When I reached the metro door, I thought:
"I really want that dress.
I need to go back."
And I went back and asked:
"Do you have this dress in my size?"
And the guy said,
"These dresses are all one size,
there aren't different sizes,
they are made in China."
One kiss, one kiss
One kiss for the transvestites
One kiss, one kiss
One kiss for the transvestites
One kiss, one kiss
One kiss for the transvestites
One kiss, one kiss
One kiss for the transvestites
Then I said, "Give me it" and went away.
And that's the thing.
I really enjoyed wearing that.
But I was undeniably old.
It is strange.
AND NOW? WHAT DO I DO?
WRAP THE POO AND PUT A BOW ON IT.
AND NOW, WHAT DO I SAY?
THAT ASSES DON'T HAVE BELLYBUTTONS.
NOW, HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS?
MAKE A NOTE OF IT TO WRITE A PLAY.
What do you do for work?
Have you got a ritual?
More or less.
I keep...
I keep playing with the ideas.
As if I was playing with cards
or something similar.
It depends on what I'm doing.
When I'm doing comic strips, for example,
it is a universe
where anything can happen,
where any story is possible,
I worry about checking
which way I am leaning towards
and then I play with...
When I have no idea
of what is making me lean,
I play with things to see what responds.
I draw a few things, I read others,
tweak a few things,
Sometimes I go for a walk
to the shops and back,
and that's what's needed
for something to be triggered.
Like an interesting idea.
What is an interesting idea?
It is something
that gives me a mental erection.
Oh... That!
-This comic strip, was it in your head?
-No.
It went into my head as I was doing it.
I mean, the characters,
the ones I am using in this series,
they are busts.
The people here are busts.
And they use different languages.
The issue of moral authority.
"You have no moral authority to say this."
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
ANYTHING YOU SAID WOULD NOT BE
BASED ON ANY MORAL AUTHORITY.
-WATCH OUT.
-INCLUDING 'WATCH OUT'
My problem with the strips
was to spell out rules.
The idea that I was spelling rules out.
The idea that my opinion
is going
to be exposed there
as someone talking on a pulpit,
to people listening.
And this makes me
completely embarrassed.
The idea that my opinion
will guide people is very frightening.
Very frightening.
OUT, DILMA
Imagine writing comics strips
in this climate.
I should know this, as during
the dictatorship, everything was simple.
Good and evil.
Dictatorship and opposition.
Out, PT!
What is being independent at the moment?
What is being autonomous at the moment?
I look at the last strips I did
and they are all in line
with a certain idea.
That a coup is being articulated.
The idea that the protagonists of this
coup are a weird mix of PMDB and PSDB,
with high dosages of evangelicalism.
And what about the rest?
Are the rest good?
Are they bulletproof?
We don't need to worry about
the directives of the PT government,
from the past 12 years.
It was different governments.
We don't need to worry?
How about Belo Monte? Everything okay?
This thing that happened
with the retired people...
So...
No, it's not.
It's not.
GOVERNMENT PERSPECTIVE
Out, Temer!
Out, Temer!
The times we are living through
are not times for playing.
Nobody is relaxed. You know this, right?
Out, Temer!
Nobody is. On neither side.
Everybody is tense.
Anything that happens... bam!
Calm down! Calm down!
Get together!
Come in, Larcio!
Come, Larcio, come!
VANDALISM!
I recognize a specific line of argument
as more productive.
That is the line known as the left.
Even though I think
that the left is not all blessings,
I recognize myself in their ideas.
The idea of change.
RIGHT - LEF Of looking for respect for change,
of questioning things.
WIND
And I think that the right
can be recognized...
CUP 2014
...as the opposite of that,
as refusing the changes
and maintaining traditions at all costs,
just because they are traditions.
Conservatism as formulated today
admits changes
as long as they are very slow.
Hi, Laerte!
Can you tell us what happened?
I don't know. I was trying to get on...
I was trying to get on
and I couldn't,
there were too many people.
Then, repression started down there.
We came here to try to get out
and it seems like...
I don't know what is going on out there.
But they are closing the door.
Out, Alckmin!
Do you feel stuck to a public image?
Yes, I do.
You have never been this public before.
No, I haven't.
I would like to know
what lipstick you wear.
Goodness me, I can show you.
He will show it, record it.
I WILL VOTE FOR IMPEACHMEN BECAUSE THE TIMES CALL FOR SOBRIETY.
Because at my age,
with lips like mine, all cracked,
the cracks appear more than the lips do.
You don't know
if the lip is like this or like this.
They're all over the place.
This lipstick is interesting,
I like this color.
FIRST OF ALL, I AM A SHAM.
-I...
-MAIL.
SYRIAN REFUGEES
HAVE ENTERED YOUR KITCHEN.
WE COULDN'T FIND THE COFFEE.
WHO WANTS SUGAR OR SWEETENER?
I am discovering myself,
discovering new ways of expression,
new dresses, incredible shoes,
so there are new things all the time.
So, this...
It is evident
that this occupies a central part
of who I am and in my work.
This type of work,
expressive work, from artists, comedians,
writers and everything else,
it is linked to the way the person is.
So, there is no other way.
I am this and this is me.
Partner in many battles.
How would it have been,
back in Communist Party times, for you?
How would they have welcomed you?
-If I were to cross-dress?
-Yes.
Goodness me.
I would have been
absolutely harassed, ridiculed...
It was the way we, myself included,
we saw the queers,
the fags,
the sissies,
frivolous people.
It was hardcore.
It was a...
It was a very pervasive homophobia,
not even seen as something strange.
It was evident.
I was part of some episodes
that fill me with shame,
of harassing gay people.
Proper harassment.
You see? It's a horrible thing,
but I did it.
THANK GOD IT'S A PROSTHESIS.
Hello?
There is no one with that name.
Okay.
There is no one with that name
is one of the coolest things to say.
ARE YOUR BOOBS REAL?
YES AND NO.
IN WHAT SENSE?
YES IN THE SENSE OF YES
AND NO IN THE SENSE OF NO.
ONE IS YES AND THE OTHER NO?
THEY ARE BOTH YES AND NO.
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP ALREADY?
-The question is just being accepted?
-Yes. The question is...
-Within conventional binaries?
-Establishing that "we're women".
Because of this "we are women" view,
they think they are entitled to ask,
"Are you a woman?" and I say, "I am".
"Where are your breasts?"
You can ask, "Where is your cunt?"
Because a lot of them
have undertaken sex reassignment surgery
and consider themselves
on a higher rank than those who haven't.
Can you see?
There is a corporate issue.
There are requirements to fulfil.
It is like an identification card.
It is horrible! Horrible!
These people's actions
are of a very masculine nature.
The way people insult each other,
impose themselves.
The way they are violent.
And say this is how it is.
Transvestites are like that.
Transvestites aren't like that.
I don't know. Sometimes
I think we're going in circles.
So what?
I don't know.
I see myself repeating something.
Something I've already said.
I SEE MY LIFE IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
ACTUALLY, IT IS MAKING A TURN.
NOW, IT IS TURNING AROUND.
OH, DEAR, I AM SURROUNDED.
Rafa, did I leave the monitor there?
Is it there?
I am coming to get it.
Kisses.
What?
Yeah.
Kisses.
He said, "This documentary
is going to be funny."
Are you a man or a woman?
The first answers were something like:
I am a man.
And I am using a language, culture, etc.
which is given to be feminine.
I am invading this field
and claiming it for my own use too.
But then, I started to say:
"I am a woman."
I started to claim the right to say
that I am a woman too.
As much as I am a man.
RING
RING
RING
DUDE! YOU'RE HOME?
WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO PLAY!
I FORGOT.
I also reach another possibility,
which is: there are no men or women.
So, as a rule, we are human beings
and we have these tendencies.
These tendencies are also conventions,
they are possibilities, languages...
There you go!
If I understand, more and more,
that the gender issue
is supposed to be addressed
as a cultural construct,
not as something created by God,
then I can revisit everything.
I'm loving these dresses.
Have you decided?
Yes and no.
HOW TO FREE A PRINCESS:
STEP 1...
...FREE HER!
The princess cap fits me very well.
It comes from my sister.
She is a creature
with very elaborate arguments.
In your family you are the princess
and she is the warrior?
Yes, I think so.
Is it nice being a princess?
Yes, but there is also the problem
of feeling overly protected
by life.
Do you think you are protected?
-I do!
-You do?
Definitely!
I really did not experience
life's brutality.
I didn't go through that.
I don't have these life experiences
with people who, for example,
want to kill all the white people,
or all the black people,
or all the Indians,
or all the Europeans, or all...
I don't know.
But what would constitute that?
Rape, for instance.
Violence
against your body and your life.
Because it is an unbelievable violence
In most cases, there is no reaction.
It is a violence
that leaves the person prostrated,
stolen and humiliated forever.
And you rarely see a response,
an accusation or a report.
And for that to generate
a process that will lead to punishment.
How would I have responded...
to such big tests?
To these phenomenal things?
Would I have given up? I gave up.
I gave up my homosexuality for much less.
My desire for men
was something so shocking to me
that it, probably,
made me want to be a woman.
I instantly wanted to be a woman.
I think this is a sort of transgender
desire I had in my teenage years.
I recognize that as something
that happened.
It's true.
I don't know if it's the same thing
that happened 50 years later,
or 40 years later.
I think that people
change their motivations too.
But this certainly happened to me
when I was 17.
But you say that homosexuality frightened
you so much that in the end, you...
-Yes, I felt like being a woman.
-It was easier being a woman...
To be normal.
It was easier being a woman
than a man that likes men.
WHAT ABOUT LOVE?
LOVE. n. A feeling that drives souls
towards what seems beautiful,
true and fair to them,
constituting the object of our affection.
MAYBE GOOGLE IT?
I still haven't had the experience
of being desired by a man
in a way that is similar,
or in a way...
mixed with how he would desire a woman.
Have you fallen in love?
I am not sure.
I am not sure if I fell in love
and wanted a relationship,
or if the idea of having one...
This is a powerful thing about love too.
There is a country called Love.
And sometimes
you see yourself inside of it
and you don't know
who you're with very well.
You don't even know
who is accompanying you,
but the country is beautiful,
it's interesting,
there is beautiful scenery,
there are moments.
Things make sense.
Coincidences are not coincidences.
Everything is different.
So, I think...
It was very fast, something like a month.
Between starting and breaking up, a month.
I don't know, my pattern has been nine,
eight years.
Was it a man, a woman, trans?
It was a woman.
Homosexual.
And that was quite interesting too,
because she was interested
in the woman I am.
Or, at least in a way, for the woman I am.
Interesting!
Hello! How are you?
-How are you?
-Fine, thanks.
Look at the kitty.
Look!
How is the renovation going?
It is moving.
-How are you?
-Fine!
-You refurbished the entire house!
-I did, yes.
So beautiful. Is it a boy or a girl?
It's a cat, it's a female cat.
So beautiful.
She is paraplegic.
Does she use a wheelchair?
She doesn't like it.
But it's so difficult, isn't it?
You know how difficult these things are.
But I see a lot of dogs on wheelchairs...
Dogs get along with it.
She prefers to crawl.
Do you carry her around?
She walks by herself.
I stay here in case a dog shows up,
so I can protect her.
He is afraid of cats. Can you believe it?
Super scared. There is a cat
that confronts him in the other street.
Let's go, son.
Say goodbye to your friend.
-Bye!
-Bye!
Hi, Dad!
Hi!
Wow! Your eyes! They are great.
I would like to go to Laila's wedding,
which will be in October,
already in shape.
What are you planning for the wedding?
-The dress?
-Yes.
Well, if I really have big boobs...
I mean, the boobs will be this size.
But if I do have them in place,
then I think I'll wear a strapless dress.
You can drive as usual
You can drive as usual
Why do people get married?
It is so boring.
What?
This process. This last day.
You are tense.
I am tense.
It is a party that I am not going to miss
no matter what.
It is a very nice moment in her life,
I want to be there.
All pretty.
And it will be
on Diogo's birthday.
Laila also thought about that.
It all sort of ties in.
-She planned the wedding on...
-October 22, Diogo's birthday.
It was his birthday.
I thought this was very beautiful.
I was very touched by the idea, so...
It's an idea
that means he will be there with us.
And the fact that she scheduled it
for Diogo's birthday
was, to me,
a clear sign that she wanted
to have the whole family together.
And I feel
that I can also bring my boobs
as a contribution to this "togetherness".
Do you get it?
Of course I will go
even if I don't have boobs.
CADU AND LAILA!
THROUGH THE SEVEN SEAS OF LOVE!
KISSES! LAERTE
How do you see your drawing?
Immature.
I have been doing this for 40 years
and I still have immature drawings.
What does that mean?
Do you think your body is resolved?
Ah, nice link.
Nice link.
I think a body
is very rarely resolved forever.
But I like to go out
and take my body for a walk
peacefully.
How do I manage that?
I mean, being physically in the world
requires a certain amount
of security from us, right?
I think so.
And do you think a body can be complete?
No.
Drawings can't be either.
We are always in a process of change.
FOR THEA
Subtitle translation: Amanda Jorgensen