1
[soft relaxing music]
[cell phone ringing]
["A Cause Des Garcons" by Yelle]
[cell phone ringing]
[cell phone ringing]
[moaning]
[music intensifies]
- Fuck!
Hmm, watch it!
[Allie moaning] Oh!
[Mary] How many times
do I have to tell you this, Mom?
I'll call you!
Allie?
Allie, is that you?
[Allie] Yeah...
Okay, so just so you know,
I really, really have to...
[Pam] poo.
- Bye.
Thank you so much for dinner.
I hope Allie's doing okay?
[Allie]
Ah, you were at dinner
for like three hours.
And where the fuck were you?
I had to tell my parents
you were on your period.
Ugg! Gross!
I overslept.
I just laid down
for a little nappy nap,
and then...
I couldn't get my ass
out of bed.
And then you clearly
didn't get ready once you did?
Well, you know,
I can't get ready without you.
[soft laugh]
So can we... go get ready now?
-I'm ready!
-Oh I'm sorry,
my name's Kort, and I'm so cute.
I don't even need
to get dressed up to get hit on.
Let's have a parade.
Bitch!
Thanks,
that's really sweet of you!
Whatever. I'm going to go
get started.
I might even shave my pussy.
Oh, put my name
on those left overs
because I don't want these sluts
eating our shit
when we're not here.
Why your name? I can be mean.
Just put my name on it.
These girls know
I don't play games.
[Kort] Oh, you mean
you're a bitch?
Oh, okay!
Well, that was kind of... mean!
Thanks.
[fast paced music]
[water running]
[Allie] So...
I'm thinking this is the year
I get a boyfriend,
You know, I'm sick of blacking
out fucking frat guys,
It's like, I just want
to settle down, you know?
I mean, last year I had
my slutty sophomore stand,
which was fine.
I'm not going to judge
myself for that.
I mean,
we all go through our phases.
Except for you!
But... Whatever,
I just feel like...
This is my year... you know?
Until we go abroad, that is.
Well, I don't think
you can really plan
for that sort of thing.
Whatever, dude. I'll...
have some flings with some Brits
while we're there,
and then when I get back...
We'll date!
Then he'll propose shortly
after graduation, and then...
Move to Silver Springs.
He'll get a six figure job
working for an embassy and...
That will be that!
Or you can get
a six figure job.
Okay, whatever. How do I look?
[vibrant music]
You look hot!
Really?
Yeah, seriously you look good.
I don't know...
I just hope I look fuckable.
[Luce] Yeah, I don't know,
I was walking from campus today,
and I just kept finding
these feathers.
Feather, after feather,
after feather...
Feathers?
Yeah,
it's a Native American thing.
Alright, so the guys
say to get there at ten,
and bring some money
for the keg.
[Luce] Are you sure?
Whatever, I'm sure
he was just like suggesting it.
[Luce] Don't defend him
because you used to blow him.
Okay, it's not like I sucked
the life out of him.
-I only did it once!
-[girls laughing]
Can you please pour me
more of that wine?
[Luce] Oh, sure thing.
Thanks again for the wine, Kort.
Anything for you, Mary.
[Pam] Don't thank her,
her parents bought it.
Anyway...
You serious,
you don't want to come out now?
I don't know.
My stomach's
kind of bothering me.
-[Kort] Really?
-Yeah!
Who do you say
is going to be there?
Will you just shut up
and get drunk with me?
[Allie sighing]
Please don't leave me with them.
-Okay, I get it. I'm your rock.
-[Kort] You are.
[glasses clinking]
[giggling]
Fuck it!
[Luce] Are you two
just going to sit in there
and scissor all night,
or come fucking party with us?
[loud upbeat music]
[unintelligible chatter]
Go, go, go!
There we go, girl!
Yes!
Hey, hey, now come on!
[yelling]
Hey, dude, is that the way
I do that for you?
Shall we go get [inaudible]?
Yeah! Let's go!
She's so cool!
[Allie] Okay, wait,
how are my boobs?
-You look good!
-[Allie] I do?
-Yeah.
-Do they look big?
I want them to look big.
-Yes!
-[Allie] They do?
Go back to what you were saying.
[Allie] Oh my god! Okay!
So, my schedule is the shit.
No classes on Friday,
like ever.
No classes before 1pm, and...
two of my classes
only meet once a week.
It's a fucking joke!
Your parents
must be really proud.
They should be!
I'm kind of a genius!
Okay, what is this?
Yeah, I called this
the Ben Affleck,
because when you drink it,
you're going to be gone girl.
[Kort] Oh Shit!
-[coughing] It's terrible!
-[Allie] What? It's so good.
-No, it's not.
-Excuse me Kortney...
Who is it?
I have no idea.
Is he hot?
He's... Gorgeous! Top ten.
-Hey!
-Hi.
[nervous laughter]
Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude,
I just...
I thought you were
really pretty.
I got your name from...
a friend.
Was that creepy?
A little bit.
[laughing]
-Okay, can I try again?
-Yeah.
-I'm Daniel...
-[music intensifies]
[door unlocking]
[Mary sighing]
[Kort] Can you hurry up?
Waste Of time!
Seriously, now you want
to hang out?
Who wants to hang out?
Kyle! He doesn't talk to me
all night and then suddenly
he wants to "watch a movie".
I mean, it's--
[Mary] Ahh...
[Allie]
So, what the fuck
did you talk about?
Um... He said he's new...
No shit he's new dude.
A hottie like that
doesn't just fly under the radar
for three years.
Jeez!
Sorry, go on.
Um... He transferred
for lacrosse...
[Allie] Ugh, duh!
He's going to be a junior
in the classroom
and a senior on the field.
Oh my god, no way!
He still has
two full seasons left?
Yeah, I think he said something
about redshirting or--
Oh my god, I don't care about
his fucking NCAA eligibility.
-Was he hitting on you or not?
-[Kort] I don't know.
Dude, shut up. He totally wants
to penetrate you.
[Kort] Oh, Gross!
-[Kort] What, you think?
-Yeah... Okay.
[Allie] What's his first
and last name?
-I'm gonna Facebook this bitch.
-When did you get this?
Oh, I convinced my parents
that it would help me
do better in school,
but I totally just use it
to watch porn.
You know what I need?
I got his first name, Daniel.
That's it.
They're five fucking Daniels
on the lacrosse team.
I'm going to need
more than that.
I think his eyes are blue...
His eyes are blue?
That's not
a Facebook search query!
A blue-eyed dude
on the lacrosse team,
who probably has a big dick.
Whore!
[lively music]
[Kort] Jesus!
What are you doing?
Just a little research.
Okay, here's the deal.
I talked to the boat shoe crew
over there,
and they said
his last name is McMullen.
He's single.
[laughing] Okay.
And he transferred here
from Maryland.
Like I said.
He sat out last year
because of an injury.
-That's what I said.
-Okay, who fucking cares!
Look at these photos!
See this? Beautiful scenery...
-[Kort] Mmm.
-[Allie] See what that is?
It's a lake!
Do you know what that means?
His family has
a fucking lake house!
I like those shutters.
[Allie] Whatever. You see
these two little bitches?
-[Kort] Huh.
-[Allie] Those are his sisters.
[Kort] So?
Do you know what that means?
What?
Okay. Any guy with two sisters
or more is twice as nice.
It's like a rule of thumb.
That's kind of sweet.
Okay, what I'm saying is
I approve.
What, because he has sisters
and a lake house?
Yeah!
[Allie] And... look at this!
I count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, abs!
[Allie] Hello, hello abs.
[Kort] They're so cute!
So you like him?
I didn't say that.
You said that.
Kort, if you don't want
none of this Nantucket nectar,
then move over!
'Cause this girl is parched.
Mmm...
Okay, I like him.
Thank you.
It's about time somebody
manned up around here.
[lively music resumes]
[whistle blowing]
Wait, hold on.
If this works out, I'm not
saying that it will or won't,
I'm saying if...
If this works out
and you guys settle on four kids
even though I'll probably
push for five.
All right.
We're leaving for London
in three months
and we cannot take
a boyfriend with us.
I just met the guy.
Oh, you just wanna get
some of that dick.
I respect that.
Just think about it.
Right now he's down there,
just sweating his balls off.
Hmm... Lovely!
One day you might even
get to lick them.
[laughing]
[Allie] Seriously.
Pussy.
[soft music]
[message tone]
[cell phone chiming]
[lecturer 1] Remember
that the United States
at the beginning of the 1930s,
had not fully asserted itself
as a global superpower.
It has begun to, when--
[cell phone chiming]
Oh, my bad!
[lecturer 2] Let's begin
by understanding
what bottlenecks truly are.
Bottlenecks are, contrary
to what you may believe,
factory phenomena
where the performance...
[lecturer continues
speaking inaudibly]
Generally speaking.
Now, for example...
[lecturer 1] Until 1941,
and in that period,
the US struggled to figure out
a way to become involved
and insure its place
as the Guardian
of the western hemisphere,
without actually
involving troops.
Now this process would go on
to become known
under the rhetorical umbrella
of "The Good Neighbor Policy".
And one of the ways
they did that...
[lecturer 2] ...with the same
processing speed
of 500 units per second
flowing into our input...
[lecturer 1] Even though
the United States'
popular opinion
was actively...
[lecturer 2 continues talking]
[lecturer 1] The idea
of becoming involved
-in another...
-[Allie laughing]
in another world war.
[lecturer 2] They give you
two widget line flow systems,
where you have
two identical widgets
with the same processing speed
of 500 units per second.
So, you see by adding
one additional widget maker,
we're able to diffuse
the bottleneck entirely.
And therefore as a whole
help facilitate factory
and operating at a 50% hype
utilization level.
Pretty interesting stuff,
wouldn't you say?
By your blank stare,
I would take that as a yes.
Moving on.
[Daniel] Oh, hey!
-Oh, hey.
-[Daniel] Hey.
Are you in this class?
[Daniel] Ah, yeah.
I thought...
I thought we caught
eyes earlier.
Oh, really?
Sometimes I'm like zoning out
and not like seeing
what's in front of me, so...
And, have you talked
to the doctor about this?
[laughing]
It's actually, it's funny
that we're in the same class,
because I was...
Well, I was hoping...
I don't know, I was wondering
if you would be up for--
[Allie] A date!
Yes, you want a date!
Who doesn't want dates here?
-I know, right?
-This guy's a fucking dreamboat!
-[Kort laughing]
-[Allie] So, what did you say?
I told him... Oh, I told him...
I told him, "yeah".
What, should I not
have said "yeah"?
Well, it depends
on how you said it.
I said it like...
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-No, I didn't say it like that.
It was like... more like...
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Okay, no, this is it:
Yeah.
Like, you know, I'll do this,
potentially...
But if I do, I'll be doing you
a huge favor.
-What do you think?
-I think it's... perfect!
So, what are you going to wear?
I don't know, this.
No!
-Come on!
-What?
-[Allie] We gotta fix this!
-Why?
You look like a grandma!
[Kort] I look like a grandma?
-But you're wearing
velvet shoes!
-These are very hip...
["Ivy League Circus"
by Gordon Voidwell]
-Pit stop!
-We already ate before class.
Who cares, you can throw it up
after when you--
-Stephen!
-Allie!
Hi!
Good to see you.
Good to see you too.
[laughing]
What the fuck was that?
You're still talking?
I mean, he still texts me.
Only after 2 a.m.
I think there's something
wrong with his plan.
Sorry.
Can this guy move?
Well, when is it? Thank you.
God, when's your date?
I don't know.
He's going to call.
What? He's going to call?
Not text?
Um... yeah.
Classy!
Oh my god!
[Kort] How's that yoghurt?
-Do you want some?
-[Kort] No.
[Allie] Have some. I want it.
I'm Kort, I'm skinny,
I'm want it.
-Stop!
-[Allie] See, you have a little
on your face.
[Allie laughing]
What do you think
about this one?
Did somebody die?
Um... you if you don't stop
talking shit!
Dude, you've got to give him
more than your knee caps. God!
He's better
than that dress, okay?
He's tall, he's good looking.
He's got those beautiful DSL's.
DSL's? How does that help me?
[Allie] Depends what
you're in to.
Look, we've got to go more
Beyonc, less Bea Arthur.
I'm going to look
like a birthday cake
That sounds delicious.
Let's go try shit on.
["Classic Girl"
by Deidre & The Dark]
Do you like?
Do I look like Heidi Klum?
Oh, okay.
So, I'm having mixed feelings
about this one.
You know, I like it because
it's versatile but then again
I just really don't know.
Walk away, just walk away.
[Allie] You don't like it?
Dress it up, dress it down.
Like, right now the way
I'm wearing it,
it's going to look formal
and I can just wear
it anywhere, right. Like a--
Formal?
Like Diane Keaton
who's a stripper?
[Allie] Oh, girl,
you look fabulous!
But I can't have you out here
like you're going to a bar,
when we know
you're trying to go to a party.
Then, with just like
a slight adjustment...
it becomes casual.
-Yeah, very casual.
-It's like... beachy.
There!
Babe!
-No?
-No!
Alright, come out.
Oh... yes!
It's perfect!
-You really think it's good?
-[Allie] Yes.
Can my cat
come to the wedding?
Okay, what's the damage?
-Oh hell no!
-What?
It's $500.
-No!
-Yes!
[mimicking crying]
I'm sorry baby,
but you're not worth it.
We'll figure something out.
-So, Mary's top?
-Yes, with the pants
of yours I like.
-Oh, that can work. Perfect!
Oh my god, love it!
Oh hey, have you all
listened to this?
-What?
-Cereal. The podcast.
-Never heard of it.
-Okay, well,
if you do, don't tell me,
I'm pretty sure
I can crack this puppy.
-[Allie] Okay.
-Alright.
I'm sorry.
-What's your plan?
-Oh... I have a class tonight.
-Yeah, interesting!
-Dammit!
Ok, I'm going to go study...
and then...
Hey, when you're back
do you want to do movie night?
If by movie night you mean
season three of Downton?
What the fuck else would I mean?
[mimicking a British accent]
Right, sorry, mate!
-Pip, pip and bollocks.
-[Allie] Okay, I can't,
it's terrible.
You're ruining it.
Hey... Let me know if Dan Dan
gives you a ring ring.
-[Kort] Okay.
-[both] Bye.
[lecturer 3]
...and with 140 characters,
that's how Twitter
killed the feature story,
which leads me to...
ending this class.
[soft tranquil music]
He still hasn't called?
Why is it that whenever
I want to do something important
the mother-fucking internet...
Oh... there it is!
Okay, look, like I was thinking,
this little pussy boy Daniel
better grow a pair
and make a fucking phone call.
Do you think
he's seeing someone else?
Maybe he lost his phone.
Or... or it broke.
That happens!
[Mary knocking] Hey!
Do you have some... batteries?
For what?
For my TV.
Remote.
No.
[Kort] Maybe he's dead.
You know what, dude,
fuck this little cocksucker,
okay?
He said he would call
and he hasn't.
He's either gay,
a commitment-phobe, or dead.
Either way,
I say we're over him.
-[cell phone ringing]
-Oh my god!
Unless that's him...
If that's him,
I say we're back in.
-What do I do?
-Answer it!
Hello.
[whispering] It's Daniel!
-Hey.
-What the fuck's he saying?
Oh no, it's fine.
Ah, ah, ah...
[Allie imitating having sex]
That's fine.
Uh-hm.
[Kort] Yeah, that works.
Okay.
I'll see you then.
Bye.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
[Allie] It's a baby!
[kissing] Isn't it cute?
Okay, what did he say?
Okay, so first of all he said
"Sorry for calling so late".
[Allie] Precious!
And then he said he wants
to take me out this weekend
but he can't because he's going
out of town with his family.
Lake house!
Next weekend, if I'm up for it,
he wants to take me
to dinner on Friday.
What?
Nobody even goes out on Fridays!
-That's brilliant!
-I know.
[Allie] Okay...
You tell me
what you're thinking,
and I'll do the same, okay?
Ready? One, two--
-You need to hit the gym!
-I hope he takes me to a club--
What?
Maybe just a little cardio!
["Jerk It" by Thunderheist]
You gotta open up your gait,
baby girl.
What?
Your strides, they're tiny!
Longer strides, more calories!
Stop running like a toddler,
start running
like a grown human woman
who wants to get laid.
See that dick! Run to that dick!
Faster! Run to it!
Kegels, feel the kegels!
Pull... inside your vagina.
Eye of the tiger, baby, earn it!
Squeeze it! Burn! Feel the burn!
Harder, Kort!
You're not going hard enough!
Earn your thigh gap!
-What are you doing?
-Shut up!
-Jesus!
-Oh my god!
You're doing great, man.
Don't let your hips drop.
[Kort gasping]
Don't let gravity win like this.
[Kort] I'm not.
Don't touch me
with your nasty chip fingers!
[Allie mumbling]
What?
I said I see gravity winning
and I don't like it.
You're disgusting!
[lively music]
[Kort] I don't know if my ass
got bigger,
or these jeans got smaller.
Oh, I washed them
like four times.
[laughing]
What do you think, Pam?
You look amazing!
Agreed!
I have something for you.
-Just in case!
-[Pam laughing]
You know you want to
No!
[doorbell ringing]
[laughing]
-Be safe!
-[Allie] The world is
a happy place.
Excuse me! No girl gets her door
on her own fucking date!
-[Allie] It's my door to get!
-Get the door!
It's my door!
You stay right here!
Hello, sweet cheeks.
-Hey! Is Kortney here?
-Who?
I'm just kidding.
That little whore's right here.
Oh...
Hi!
[ambient music]
Thanks.
[waitress] Your server
will be right with you.
-Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.
This place is really nice!
I guess I always
sort of thought that
first dates should be...
special.
You know, just in case.
Yeah.
Ah, yeah.
[door closing]
Is Luce here?
She's upstairs.
Martins?
He took you
to mother-fucking Martins?
It's crazy, right?
Who does this guy think he is?
A goddamned Kennedy?
[Allie] This guy's the tits!
Ladies, let's have a shot
before everyone gets here.
Or two.
I want to get super weird today.
You already are weird.
Thanks.
-There we go.
-You're welcome!
This literally has a pube in it.
It's disgusting!
["Never Coming Down"
by Midnight Riot]
So, did you get any?
-Any what?
-Cut the shit.
Tell me you broke that dick off!
-[Luce] Wait a minute.
-Come on!
[Luce] I'll text you.
What happened?
[Pam] I think Kort broke
someone's dick off.
-What? I want to hear!
-Oh my god!
[Luce] Oh come on! Cough it up!
We just kissed on the cheek.
Fuck, yeah!
Daniel, the lacrosse transfer.
[Luce] Wait, wait!
The mancer from Maryland?
They went on a date.
-Would you stop?
-Take it from the top.
Okay, okay, okay... Alright.
We walk in, it's gorgeous!
Like, there are all these
pictures of DC on the wall,
like flappers and pictures
of the Potomac,
and the hostess took us
to our table,
and we sat down,
and we just started talking...
I don't know!
And that's when
she's sucked his dick.
Oh...
-In the restaurant?
-[Allie] Ah ha!
[laughing]
Just like Jackie O
would have wanted!
[laughing]
Allie, hurry up!
You don't need make up.
We're just going to study.
Oh my god! What happened to you?
Oh yeah, I know, I'm fine.
It's just I couldn't
find a scarf.
Is that a hickey?
-Who did that to you?
-I have no idea.
I could have done it
to myself for all I know.
I got to go have brunch
with my mum.
[softly] What?
[mellow music]
[Allie sighing]
Hey, do you think
I should text Steven?
Hmm?
Do you think
I should text Steven?
Why?
Oh, because I want to.
I thought you said
he only texts you after 2am?
Yeah, but...
I feel like sometimes guys
don't really know
how to communicate--
Where are you going?
I'm in the middle of a sentence!
Kort! Don't you agree
like sometimes guys just don't
know how to communicate
and they like need you
to be the one to initiate?
'Cause we're just like putting
all this pressure on them
to be the ones, but...
maybe they need us
to be the ones.
And I just need to get creative
and to let him know
that it's cool to text me
during the day.
Kort, what are you looking for?
-A book!
-Oh my god!
I'm sorry.
I have a classic tale in 15
and I'm like oddly
stressed about it.
Oh shit!
Okay, so I feel like,
first class,
having a first date,
is like really pivotal.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, I think...
But yeah, I feel like now
is the time to just like
pump the brakes
and start with the mind games.
What mind games?
Poker face!
[stressing each word]
You don't like him.
-I don't like him?
-[Allie] No!
-Okay.
-I don't see you.
I'm winning, but you don't know.
-Yeah.
-I'm full royal flush,
and kings and queens,
and all those...
You never played poker?
I still feel weird.
I mean, you feel awkward,
which is normal,
because it's going to be
so awkward when you see it.
Thanks.
[lively music resumes]
-Cool if I sit here?
-[Daniel] If you want.
Cool!
[woman on TV]
What does it mean to you
when I say "run like a girl"?
[child] It means run
as fast as you can.
[woman] Throw like a girl.
So, do you think you just
insulted your sister?
[child] No.
[Allie sighing]
[woman] Is "like a girl"
a good thing?
[message tone]
[melodic music]
I feel like he's judging me.
Hmm... He is!
-[laughing]
-I don't care.
You know, sometimes
it's kind of wild
-to think about.
-What?
I don't know like all this.
The Capitol,
monuments, White House...
all the huge decisions
like they've made here
while we're just worried
about flipping cups
and hooking up.
You get dumb shit here too.
[Pam sighing]
[woman on recording]
So last year
I spent every working day
trying to figure out where...
Hey!
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just getting a feel
for the facts.
Apparently I do,
where a high school kid was...
She has a nice voice.
Yeah! Yeah, I like it too.
-Hey, um, quick question?
-Hmm.
What do you think
about Jay's testimony?
I mean it seems
pretty suspect, right?
And this mister "S" guy,
he's a real wild card,
I mean who is he,
where did he come from?
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
[Allie] But... uh...
[Allie] good luck... with this.
-[man] I don't know.
-[Luce] Come on!
If you don't like it,
if it hurts, we'll stop.
Let's just try it.
[Daniel] Well, my siblings
all root for each other.
My parents
are still together and...
unfortunately
they still kiss in public...
[Kort laughs]
And oh, I always had to have
the new gaming system, like...
right when they came out.
-So you're a spoiled?
-Oh god...
I hate that word, but... yes.
I like to think that
I came from a good family.
What about you? Are your...
Are your parents happy?
Yeah! They're happy it's just...
not with each other.
As simple as that?
Yeah.
Do you mind
if I change the subject?
Yes, please.
[laughing]
Oh, hey,
what does Allie think of me?
Did I... pass the test?
I don't know.
We don't really talk
about you that much.
[Allie singing]
[sighing] So stupid!
Oh, I'm famous, I'm pretty.
Oh, I'm married.
-Hey, Allie.
-Hey.
Whatever! Fuck you, Mom!
I know it's your money,
but it's my credit card.
It has my name on it.
[melodic music]
Oh... Hello...
[Daniel] Hey, Kort...
[music intensifies]
Um... Will you date me?
[speech drown out
by louder music]
Okay, what are you thinking?
I'm thinking...
[door opening]
What the fuck is this?
-[Kort] What?
-You're dating?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Hello.
Hi.
Kitchen! Yesterday!
Allie...
[Allie]
Were you not even going
to tell me about this?
[Kort] What are you
talking about?
It just happened
ten minutes ago.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am.
Seriously, I am.
Now, I want you to notice
both on the front end,
and on the back.
For example,
if the factory is operating
at its optimal capacity,
and there are zero bottlenecks,
everything should be fine,
right?
Wrong!
Because, even if
everything has been taken
care of on the front end,
Now, what am I talking about?
Daniel!
Um...
Exactly! Elaborate.
Um...
It's kind of like
when your factory,
it makes stuff,
but at the same time
enough other stuff to keep
all the machines happy.
Right?
[whispering] You're an idiot!
Not as far off
as you would think.
To the big board.
[melodic music resumes]
Huh!
[Allie humming then whistling]
Mmm, look at this little cup
of fuck pudding!
Mmm...
I'd like to give you a tour
of this campus!
Are those jeans from Europe?
Just kidding, come back!
Who are you listening to?
Um... Nelly...
Furtado.
What?
[Kort] Oh, this is cute!
-Do you want to try that on?
-Oh, no that's okay.
-Sure?
-[Daniel] Why not, come on!
It'll look good on you.
Why don't you try something on?
[laughing]
[laughing]
I just... I don't think
it's sitting on me quite right.
[seller] I know something
that will sit on you!
-Honey, no!
-What?
It's legal now!
[Allie humming]
What are you doing? Stop!
I do not respond well to this.
[laughing] What?
Come on, do it for me.
D-Man.
Who is D-Man?
-It's just what they
used to call me
back in the hood.
[Kort] Give me the spoon!
I will take the spoon!
[Daniel] Come on,
that's not fun.
That's no fun.
[Allie] Mmm...
It's so good!
-[car honking]
-Go fuck yourself!
So, you've really never
played before?
Nope!
-Okay.
-What I'm doing right here
is called cradling.
-Okay.
-So, it's like as if you were,
-you know--
-Cradling.
[Daniel] I'm going to toss you
the ball now.
So just kind of accept it
as opposed to trying to catch
it as if you're a statue.
-Okay. Like this?
-[Daniel] Right?
-[Daniel] Yes.
-Okay.
-I'm impressed!
-Beginner's luck!
take it back as--
[Kort laughing]
I... I got in
on a lacrosse scholarship!
-Hmm.
-Allie too.
[Daniel] So now
we have trust issues.
So, thank you for that!
[laughing]
[Daniel] So, why did you quit?
[Kort] I don't know...
I mean, I like lacrosse,
it's just...
college sports
are a lot of work, you know?
I just don't know
if it's really worth it.
For me, at least.
But it got me into a school
I probably shouldn't
have gotten into.
[Daniel laughing]
I knew it!
[Kort] What?
I knew that you were dumb.
-I knew it!
-I'm dumb?
[Daniel] I just knew it!
Rude!
[Daniel] I'm joking.
What about Allie?
Did she just quit
because you quit?
[Kort] To be fair, no.
I just think she's... lazy.
Hey, Pam!
Yeah?
Have you ever felt like...
you're happy for someone...
uh, you know, like...
like you're happy for someone...
I mean you're completely
happy for them,
but you're like...
want what they have...
Oh! Yeah!
[laughs] I'm jealous
all the time!
-No!
-I mean I'm jealous of you
for being funnier than me.
And Kort for being prettier,
and Mary for eating less
than me at dinner.
And Luce for sexting
all the lacrosse guys,
even though I do find it
morally questionable,
slash, would secretly
do the same.
And Jen for saying
the shit that I think
but I'm actually
too scared to say.
Huh!
Why, what's up?
Nothing!
Okay, well...
I'm going to go do some laundry.
Bye.
[sighing]
[reflective music]
[Kort] Hey, Allie!
Daniel and I are going to go
and catch a movie if you want--
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Mar!
-Hey... um...
-What's going on?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah?
Okay... um...
Daniel was in my dream
last night.
We were in South Carolina
eating Chick-fil-A,
even though it was a Sunday,
and it started out slow,
but by the end of it
he had me kind of over
the back of his Chevy
and was raw dogging me,
on the hood.
I'm really sorry.
Okay...
Thank you for... being honest.
What?
[oil sizzling]
Oh, fancy seeing you here!
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, I just...
Crazy!
But... I think I have
something fun for us!
Oh yeah?
You want cheese on this, right?
Yes, please.
Okay. So, Daniel's friend,
also name is Daniel, actually,
is renting out the [unclear]
for his birthday,
and he wants all of us to come.
Are they going to be boys there?
[Kort] Um... tons!
Okay, I'm listening.
Okay, so it's this Sunday,
nine o'clock.
I know, he's like one of those
has to celebrate his birthday
on his birthday types.
Eww!
Okay, well, can we do
a girl's day before?
Um... I actually told Daniel
I'd go to the Skins game
with him.
You're calling them
the Skins now?
Okay. Well, will you still
help me to get ready?
Duh! It's a one o'clock game.
Okay.
Do you think like...
I don't know,
do you think she likes him
more than me?
No, you're right, you're right!
That's stupid!
I just...
I don't know, I get...
I get self-conscious,
'cause like...
I feel like he's replacing me.
Do you think he is replacing me?
Come on, Will!
[Will] I've got to go!
What the fuck,
I was talking to him!
[Allie] You don't even care!
Oh shit!
[leisurely music]
You want to see me?
At 11:30, aka 30 minutes ago,
and no, it's my job to see you,
by no means
do I want to be here.
Sit down!
So, it appears that
this being tardy thing
is becoming a bit of an issue.
who wrote,
"It's almost as though
she's trying to be late."
Do you have anything to say?
[counsellor] Uh-hm.
You do realize that
just as in life,
this type of behavior
does have consequences?
Yeah, I mean, I thought,
I don't really
don't have to go to class.
Well... you don't
have to do anything.
I don't have to...
mow my lawn.
But I do!
Because it keeps
my neighbors happy.
Was that... an innuendo?
The point is,
if you don't take action,
more often than not,
these things tend to
come back and bite you.
And... not in a good...
"Oh, that feels nice"
kind of way!
I think we're done here!
Oh, okay.
So, do you want to eat first,
or do you want
to grab food there?
Well I don't want
to really eat hotdogs, so...
Hold on one second.
What's up?
I'm just going to get
my nails done, but...
I wanted to say have fun
at the game.
Cool! Thanks. You too.
Um... Alright. See you later.
Sorry.... Yeah.
Yeah, we can get Chinese.
[leisurely music]
You excited for tonight?
Yeah, I guess.
A little nervous, actually.
Allie, can I be frank?
Yeah.
You're a little boy crazy.
What?
You torture yourself
over all this shit,
and I really don't know why?
I mean...
sex, love, having a boyfriend,
it's... supposed to be fun.
I like the game!
I like to flirt,
I like the chase,
And maybe that's you,
maybe it's not, I don't know.
But, that's for you
to figure out.
Just don't live off
the world's ideals because
most of them
are just a bunch of bullshit.
[cell phone ringing]
There's no more
rule book, Allie.
Let's go with black.
Hey, Allie!
Hi.
Can I have one of those?
Yep. Your usual.
And then, maybe one of those.
Ah, you're getting
adventurous on me.
Yep. Just gone crazy.
[woman on recording]
Don't tell me Jay was scared.
Don't tell me...
-Hey, is Kort around?
-Oh yeah,
I think she's in her room.
Okay.
We didn't have them
15 years ago.
And we still
don't have them now.
What?
Is this a joke?
Finish the GD story, sweetheart!
[credits being read]
Who does this?
Dude, I'm sorry,
that pedicure took forever.
I'm just going to shower
really quick,
I swear I'm not even
going to masturbate.
Just kidding, no promises.
[fast paced music]
[water running]
Whore, don't even act
that you're not impressed,
I was less than five minutes.
Okay, okay, so I'm thinking
about going
super scandalous tonight,
I'm going to let
these ass cheeks
leak out a little bit.
Whatever, just tell me
what you think.
Oh!
I get so excited
["Girls" by Makio]
Guys, dudes, let her chose!
Let her chose!
I don't care if she's your babe.
-There's no easy buckets.
-No easy buckets.
-No easy buckets!
-Uh-uh.
Kort, could you please
shut these guys up?
Yeah, bring it, bring it!
[cheering]
Bro!
[tapping]
You know, I definitely
prefer wine over beer.
It just makes me feel more...
more like a lady!
[giggling]
You know, more sophisticated.
Kind of...
I read a study that says
it's rich in probiotics.
Plus it helps me get fucked up.
[laughing]
[Allie] Cheers to that.
[unintelligible chatter]
Does my hair look all right?
Yeah, solid!
Nice!
I just switched products, so...
[laughing]
[Luce] Allie, what's the deal,
why aren't you dressed?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh I'm just... Um...
waiting for Kort,
because I told her
that I would help her
get dressed.
You know how we do.
Hmm!
Oh, shit!
I totally forgot to relay.
Okay, so I talked to Kort,
beer pong tournament
thingy with Daniel,
at a completely
different location.
So, she's just going
to have to meet at the party.
Give me that fucking wine.
[music intensifies]
[music intensifies again]
Sorry.
Hi!
Thank you.
What the fuck are you doing?
What do you mean,
what are you doing?
You should not be drinking
any more,
and you have to hold--
What? I look great,
it's like a dress basically.
Thank you so much.
[Luce] You so don't need that!
I'm sorry, Luce,
I don't remember asking
you what I need.
[Pam] Allie, maybe we should
take you home.
Thank you, they'll pay.
I'll have a glass of Pinot.
["Waving Wild" by Arum Rae]
-Oh, hey, Kort!
-[Kort] Hey! Hey!
How was the game?
-[Kort] It was really fun.
-Really, was it?
Yeah! Yeah, it was really fun!
Oh, and how was
the beer pong tournament?
It was really fun, Allie.
-It was?
-[Kort] Yeah!
-Was it great?
-Yeah.
That's great,
I'm so happy for you.
And did you have a good time,
Danny Boy?
-Yeah, it was a fine time.
-You did?
Hey, guess what?
I like to have a good time too.
I'll suck your dick
for a dollar.
-Allie!
-[Allie] What?
-She's kidding.
-Yeah, I'm kidding.
I'll do it for free.
[Kort] What the fuck
is your problem?
What's my problem?
What's your problem?
You just give everything up
for some guy
you met two months ago!
You just said you were going
to blow him!
Yeah, I was just trying
to get in on the fun.
He's my fucking boyfriend,
Allie!
He's your only friend... Kort!
Fuck you!
Phil, can I get a dollar?
Hey, Allie!
Allie!
I just want to let you know,
it's not my fault
you went off the reservation
and stopped taking care
of yourself.
It's not my fault
you're a vain whore,
who replaced me
with Captain America.
Don't give me bullshit,
because I can get a guy
and you can't.
You sleep all day.
You don't study for anything.
You don't push yourself
to do anything.
You're just a selfish dick
who expects the whole world
to fall into your lap.
Thanks, Kort!
No, don't do that.
Take some fucking responsibility
for once in your life! God!
This is why I'm not going
abroad with you.
Perfect, well I'll just be
in Great Britain
getting bukkaked,
and you'll be here
dating Daniel.
-Great!
-Awesome!
What's bukkaked?
Um... when a man and woman
love each other,
a man invites
all of his friends over...
You know what?
Kort told me what happened,
and don't worry!
A lot of guys
can't get their dicks hard,
when they're fucking 40!
[friend] Daniel,
what's she talking about?
[solemn music]
Uh oh!
[woman] Is she wearing a towel?
[keys falling]
[crashing]
[truck reversing]
Where the fuck have you been?
[Allie] Trash.
-What?
-[Allie] In the trash.
Who was that?
I have no idea.
No, I mean, it was Allie, but...
She looks like shit!
[knocking]
Kort?
Kort!
Is she in there?
Yeah, she's in there.
[sighing]
[mellow music]
[sighing]
[music picks up pace]
["Pretty Boy" by Young Galaxy]
Oh!
Fucking yoga bitches!
Fuck!
Fuck, it's hard!
Oh god!
[Allie] This isn't a bad pace!
Not a bad place at all!
[mellow music]
And so, as managers,
the problem
we're left to solve is,
how do we repair
our system's flaws?
-So as to return to a point...
-[cell phone chiming]
as closer to optimal
while still living with
the fact that optimal
doesn't necessarily
mean perfect.
You see, we're not just
in a theoretics class here,
where we bank on stand-alone
principles in a vacuum.
We're dealing with real issues
in the real world.
-You got to see this, man!
-Awesome, man!
Alright, I'll see you.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Do you know
who you're talking to?
I'm the Dean of goddamn
students, sweetheart!
-Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
-It's too late! You're expelled!
Just kidding!
I don't have the power
to do that
[vibrant music]
[cell phone chiming]
Hey... I just need you
to listen to me for one second.
Hear me out, baby girl.
[music accelerates]
[sighing]
[chopping]
Okay.
Everything okay?
-Huh?
-Yeah, everything's great.
[Pam] What are you making?
[Allie] I'm not really sure,
but I feel really cool
because I measured
a bunch of shit,
and I got to mince something
for the first time.
Oh, do you want help?
Uh-uh! No way, I got this.
Fucking son of a mother-fucker!
That's so hot!
[chuckling] All right.
I have my phone if you need me.
Thank you.
[mellow music]
Shh...
Say no more.
I didn't say anything.
Okay, you're good, you're good!
I got you!
-You know I can't see, right?
-I know, I've got you.
[Daniel] Hey!
Oh, I'll let you two be.
Actually, I prepared something.
[Allie sighing]
Daniel, this first part
is for you.
My apologies for the other night
when I offered to fellate you,
and also for the things
I said about your dick,
and it's limpness.
That was both
rudely inappropriate,
and a pretty dumb thing to do.
And now, Kort,
this second part is for you.
My apologies for the other night
when I offered to fellate
your boyfriend Daniel,
previously mentioned
in the first part
of the speech, and also--
-Allie!
-...this dinner--
We get it!
Okay, the point is, I'm sorry.
Truly!
It was all...
very unbecoming of me.
Oh! Thank you for your time.
[Kort chucking]
I love you!
Allie told me that
if I didn't say that she'd...
shank me and make it seem like
it was an accident.
Jesus!
I'm sorry.
I hope I didn't ruin this?
No, you didn't.
[food cooking]
It's supposed
to be chicken, but...
[Daniel]
But it's a liquid though,
I don't understand it.
If you skim it off the top
it's not as bad.
Hey, guys.
-Hey!
-How is it?
-[Kort] Um...
-It's um...
It's fucking horrible, isn't it?
It's really not very good,
Allie.
Daniel, any thoughts?
[Daniel] I mean it's not bad,
but um...
It... it's just tough to chew
and... swallow.
Yeah, I kind of saw this coming.
[Daniel] Yes! Real food!
[exhilarating music]
Do you mind
if I have a sip of this?
So are you going to hold this
over my head forever?
I don't know!
I just might though.
Would make up sex help?
[laughing]
Is that all you girls
think about?
-Mmm.
-[Daniel] It is, isn't it?
-What, it's been like a week!
-[Daniel] Really!
What? Are you not going to help?
Um... She...
She handcuffed me to the table!
-[laughing] Oh my god!
-[Daniel] Yeah!
So, how's it going out there?
Looks like it's going well!
I mean... not that I'm watching!
I'm not! I'm just...
From the few glances
that I've stolen, it...
Looks like it's going well!
And I only saw those glances
because I want to keep
the standard of service high.
Sure.
-[Kort] Yeah, it's going well!
-Good.
I like him.
Yeah...
[Allie] Me too.
So why did you act like that?
I... don't know,
I guess it was just...
more fun when we
were chasing them together,
than when you
were dating him alone.
Yeah, I guess
I wasn't the best...
best friend, was I?
I kind of got caught up
there for a while.
Hey um...
You didn't mean
that abroad thing, did you?
Yeah... I did.
I mean,
not for those reasons but...
I never really wanted to go.
Okay.
Can I give you some good news?
Yes, now would be a good time.
He has a friend
that thinks you're hot.
[tranquil music]
Proceed.
Apparently, he thinks
you have a nice ass!
This ass?
That ass!
Okay, I'll take it!
He wants to take you
out for a drink.
-Shut the fuck up!
-[glass breaking]
[laughing] Oh my god!
Whatever.
I did that to be dramatic!
I fucking hate that plate!
Tell me what
we are working with?
[music picks up tempo]
You look good!
-[Allie] Stop that!
-How do you feel?
I feel good. I do.
I'm a little nervous though.
You can be nervous.
You're just not allowed
to fuck him!
Does that rule still stand?
-[Kort] Yes!
-Like a 100%?
[Kort] Yes, you slut!
Great!
The dress looks good too.
[Allie sighing] Really?
I don't know, kind of feel
like I'm made for these things.
-[Kort] Alright, perfume?
-[Allie] Check!
-[Kort] ID?
-[Allie] Check!
And...?
[Allie] It's the first date!
I'm just asking!
I trimmed!
Daniel, thoughts?
Gorgeous!
-It's very sweet of you D-Mac.
-[Kort chuckling]
Okay. Go on.
[Allie] I... oh, bye!
[laughing]
[mellow music]
["The Day I Died"
by Alex Winston]
[hostess] Can I help you?
Huh?
[hostess] Are you looking
for someone?
Oh! No.
[sighing] I'm okay!
[music intensifies]
Oh, would you look
at the slice of apple pie!
Come over here, cutie!
What's up, little boo?
I'd like to give you
a tour of this...
This camp-pus...
You ever seen Mystic River?
Little Sean Penn wannabe!