[Man Narrating]
Life's an enigma, a puzzle...
a confusing struggle
between right and wrong,
good and evil, truth and deceit.
You could drive yourself crazy
trying to figure it out.
But I know one thing for sure:
You're just buying someone else's
headaches when you get a used car.
## [Choir]
[Blowing Raspberry]
[Cheerleaders]
Stop that run! Stop that run!
[Mooing]
## [Choir Continues]
[Screaming]
# Night and day #
# You are the one #
# Only you beneath the moon #
[Man Narrating]
Before I got myself blown up,
Anthony Cortino was one of
the most powerful men in Las Vegas.
I ran the Peppermill... the flashiest,
most profitable casino in Nevada.
Hey, Barry. Keep the car.
[Anthony Narrating]
I drove the hottest cars,
hung out with the biggest stars,
- dated the sexiest babes...
- Watch your head.
I was set.
- # Night and day #
- [Crowd, Groaning]
- # Why is it so #
- I had created paradise on earth,
and all because I ate, slept
and breathed gambling.
Hi.
- Loser. Seven out.
- Stack 'em right.
I was a gambler's gambler...
a guaranteed winner.
- That's just the way it was.
- Go fish.
The Peppermill meant cash. The money was
comin' in so fast, we couldn't count it.
Watch these guys.
I think they're stealin' towels.
And it all went right
to the Family, tax-free.
- Back to yellow. You lose.
- [Crowd Groans]
High rollers, slot junkies,
vacationers from the Midwest...
all came certain they could win,
that this was their shot at a miracle.
- Place your bets.
- It's all been arranged just
for us to get your money.
Let me see, uh, two.
That's the truth about Las Vegas.
I'm sorry, I was thinking of... three.
- [Groaning]
- The Mafia is a high-overhead machine...
and somebody's gotta pick up the tab.
- House wins.
Place your bets and guess again.
- Three.
To the bosses, I was a cash register.
All they had to do was to ring
the bell and take the money.
- One, two, three, four,
and back down the chute...
- [Groaning]
Fixed fights, doped horses,
locked-in point spreads...
- I had the cake pouring in.
- [Man] Come on, baby!
But nothing brought it in faster,
and in bigger bundles, than the casino.
- [Man] I got these. You got those?
- [Man #2] I'll get those!
- [Man #2] Yeah, you get these.
All right, I got these.
- [Man] Over here.
This was the end result of all
the bright lights and glitter:
Booze, broads, and free hotel
suites for the high roller,
cheap drinks and all-you-can-eat
buffets for the everyday sucker.
The smart ones
just send us the money...
- and save on plane fare.
- # I think of you #
# Day and night #
# I said, night and day #
# Under the hide of me #
All right, move 'em out.
Let's go.
# Oh, such a hunger yearning
It's burnin' inside of me #
[Anthony] If we had our own printing
press, we couldn't have done any better.
I made the Mafia happy, and the bosses
knew just how to spread the influence.
But life is an enigma.
I never planned for any of this.
And I'll lay you eight-to-five,
when he was a kid back in Sicily,
my father, Vincenzo Cortino,
- never thought his life would
turn out the way it did either.
- # Night and day ##
[Sheep Bleating]
- [Horse Neighing, Banging]
- [Man] Vincenzo!
- [Speaking In Italian]
- [Grunting]
- Scusi.
- [Grunting, Yelling]
[Grunts]
[Grunts]
[Horn Honks]
Oops!
[Screams]
[Crashing, Clattering]
## [Tango Orchestra]
## [Tango]
[Creaking]
[Gulps]
## [Tango Continues]
[Scratching, Music Stops]
## [Tango Continues]
## [Scratching, Hip-Hop Style]
[Vicious Growling, Fierce Bleating]
- [Gasping]
- [Bleating]
[Snorting]
[Moaning]
Wow, the colors. Great shit.
[Sniffing]
- [Men Chattering Urgently]
- [Bleating]
[Grunts]
[Bleating Angrily]
["Tree" Groaning]
## [Penny Whistle]
[Man]
Popo! Popo Gigio!
The categories are:
The Chinese Theater,
Female Firsts...
[Popping, Admiring Cries]
- [Speaking Italian]
- [Speaking Italian]
- Yoo-hoo!
- [Laughing]
- [Farting]
- Scusi.
- Mama.
- Eh.
[Screaming]
Vincenzo!
- [Squishing]
- [Groaning]
[Bell Tolling]
[Braying Softly]
[Squishing]
[Farting]
[Italian]
[Ship's Horn Blasts]
[Grunts]
- Tomasino!
- Vino!
- Stupidoni!
[Screaming]
[Ship's Horn Blasts]
[Gasping]
[Gasping, Wheezing]
[Gasping, Wheezing Continue]
- [Chattering]
- [Man] Documents, please.
[Man On Public Address]
The white zone is for white people only.
[Man]
That's right, one at a time.
Paper, please.
- [Man] Move along, sir.
- [Indian] But we had reservations!
Next? Name.
What's your name, boy?
- Armani Windbreaker.
- Cortino.
Fine. Read this.
Stand over there. Next?
[Man]
Clamato!
Dominick Clamato.
I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.
Sweat-a shop. Slave wages.
[Policeman]
I'm lookin' for Dominick Clamato.
Don't say nothin'.
Gun.
- Where is your family?
- Family?
No. Alone.
- That is so sad.
- But when I close my eyes tight,
I can picture them here.
Wh-When you squeeze your eyes closed,
do you see lots of things, uh...
como se dice...
uh, rectangles?
No. All I ever see are
those long, floaty things.
Ah, eye worms. In Sicily,
the peasants used to get them...
by eating raw pork
and then rubbing their eyes.
Once the worms get
inside your eyeball,
it's just a matter of days before
they eat their way into your brain.
Then, you shit yourself
and die in a most embarrassing way.
[Vincenzo] Rosa was not
very attractive by Italian standards.
- Rosa, come.
- [Vincenzo] Hardly any body hair.
Come on.
Thanks for carryin' my luggage, pal.
- I'll take my gun.
- [Rosa Screaming]
Don't be a fool.
Cops don't help our kind.
In this country, we gotta
look out for ourselves.
- No!
- Gimme your money.
- Gimme your money.
- Use the gun.
No. I'll use my brain.
It's as big as any bullet.
You won't look so pretty
without a nose.
[Vincenzo] Why don't you
pick a nose your own size?
[Scoffs]
Look at you. You're just a boy.
You think you can stop me? How?
- I'll outsmart you.
- Oh, yeah?
[Vincenzo] Answer me this.
A rooster sits on the peak of a roof.
It lays an egg.
Which-a side will
the egg roll down?
The left. N-No. The right.
- I don't know.
- Neither, my friend.
Roosters don't lay eggs.
Oh!
[Clamato, Thinking]
This was no ordinary kid.
I had a feelin' we'd be
seein' a lot of each other.
Stay in school.
[Sighs]
Thank you.
- I don't even know your name.
- Uh, Vincenzo.
Vincenzo Armani
Windbreaker Cortino. You?
I'm Rosa Versace Blue Blazer
And Matching Skirt Pantucci.
- Are you from Sicily too?
- No, Milano.
My father was in the military.
A lancer.
- Bengal Lancer?
- No, a boil lancer. One of the best.
But then, one day,
there were no more-a boils.
He turned to drink.
We lost him
at a Grateful Dead concert.
[Gasps]
Look! A falling-a star!
They say that if two people
meeting for the first time...
see a falling star,
their wish will come true.
Make a wish, Vincenzo.
[Swelling Noises]
[Man]
I believe in America.
I raised my daughter
in American fashion.
- One day, she went to see a man.
- [Purring]
He got her alone in a room,
held her down in a chair.
When she resisted,
he stuck her with a needle.
Then, when she was helpless,
- he took-a pliers, and...
- [Sniffs]
Look at her, Don Cortino.
Look.
I'm familiar with
this Doctor Mendelbaum.
He's not a dentist, he's a butcher.
He put caps
on the Turteltaub twins.
- I saw them. They looked like beavers.
- [Meowing]
In fact, I have a cord
of wood they cut.
- I'm all set for the winter.
- [Clanging]
- [Cat Yowling]
- [Groaning] Whoops-a-daisy!
[Clattering, Banging]
Ah. I found my keys.
Huh.
I must own a car.
- ## [Dance Orchestra]
- [People Chattering]
A beautiful girl, Don Cortino.
A daughter who has brought
only happiness into our home...
- for seventeen years.
- [Vincenzo] Ugh. Horrible.
Can't really blame the boy.
Aah! Aah!
[Screaming, Clattering]
[Screaming, Crashing Continue]
Get out of here, you bastard.
What is it you request?
[Sighs]
## [Music, Chattering]
[Cat Yowling]
[Whispering, Indistinct]
U-Uh, that's my bad ear.
[Whispering, Indistinct]
I was wrong.
This must be the bad ear.
Don Cortino,
I want justice for my Angelina.
All right, Bonifacio.
All right.
I will do this thing for you.
[Gasps]
Thank you, Godfather.
[Whistling]
Thank you.
[Anthony Narrating]
Diane was my first love.
We were made for each other.
About the only disagreement we ever had
was when I went to war.
While I was off fighting, she was
working for the world peace movement.
But despite all that, when I got home,
she was there to greet me.
I guess she was a sucker
for a guy in uniform.
Oh, Anthony, I'm so nervous
about meeting your family.
If they don't like me,
I'll just die.
[Man]
Hey, Tony!
[Laughing]
Big war hero!
- I got you a souvenir.
- Aw.
Oh, wow! A North Korean.
Tony, I mean, l...
I don't know what to say.
I want you
to meet Diane.
Diane, this is Dominick Clamato,
my father's most trusted friend.
- Hi.
- Bella.
Lugosi.
Marron. Hey, you guys!
Look what Tony brung me.
- [Delighted Gasps]
- I bet you never seen
one of these before.
[Diane]
Anthony, isn't that Cesar Marzoni?
The man's a criminal.
What's he doing here?
[Tony]
Maybe he does business with my father.
[Diane]
What are you saying?
Look, I'm not my father,
Diane, just as you're not your father.
If we were our fathers, what we did last
night would only be legal in Arkansas.
[Tony Narrating]
It was like I never left.
- These were the faces I grew up with.
- Good to see you, Anthony.
It wasn't just me and Joey and Pop,
it was Frankie Totino,
Look who's here.
Hey, Anthony. Welcome back.
- "Fatso" Paulie Orsatti,
- Try the veal piccata.
Who was Benny "Big Features"' brother...
he controlled the unions.
- Then you had Nick Molinaro,
who ran the North Side,
- 'Ey! How you doin'?
Jumbo "The King
Of Big Screen TV" DeNuzio.
Yo, Tony. I'll knock 20% off
that Trinitron for you.
- There was Al "The Mailbox" Spaducci,
- Miller Lite.
- Johnny Love,
- Who's the pretty girl?
And Charlie "Big Red-Ass Baboon
On His Head" Petrella.
- Catch ya later.
- [Baboon Chattering]
[Man]
The Don will see you now, Mr. Gorgoni.
Pop, this is Sal Gorgoni.
Don Cortino, it is an honor to be
in the presence of such a great man.
Your flattery brings
a redness to my hair.
Cigar?
- [Meowing]
- Very fresh.
- [Angry Meowing]
- Uh, thank you. No.
Please. Sit down.
Now, what is so urgent that
you come to see Don Corduroy...
on the third anniversary
of my stepson's liposuction?
It is a known fact that you
have the judges in your pocket.
- The politicians, they dance like...
- Mm.
- Like puppets for you.
- Mm. Mm!
You control the courts.
If you agree to share
your influence,
I will make you a partner
in my new business.
Suck my big Italian
sausage, you magootza.
You make us partner?
[Scoffs]
You'll have to excuse my son.
- [Fire Roaring, Cat Yowling]
- [Vincenzo Gasps]
[Vincenzo] What sort of business
are we talking about?
I can make us bigger
than the Almighty Himself.
Shut your slimy guinea pazatz!
Nobody's bigger than Sinatra.
[Vincenzo] Joey's a good boy,
but there's always been something...
about his personality that,
ah... how shall I put it?
He's fuckin' nuts!
[Gorgoni] This was brought in
at a great expense, from
our friends in America Del Sur.
Ah, non-dairy creamer.
Good investment.
Drugs, Don Cortino.
[Vincenzo] I thank you
for your offer, Mr. Gorgoni, but...
Well, answer me this.
Where is the future
of this business?
Drugs don't taste good.
You can't put them on cereal.
Why would anyone want to invest
in something like that?
[Groaning]
I hope you don't live to regret
this decision, Don Cortino.
Now, if we're finished, I'd like to get
back to my stepdaughter's coronation.
- [Applauding]
- [Scoffs]
- [Squeaking, Popping]
- [Sighs]
## [Woman Singing Opera]
## [Singing Opera In Italian]
Godfather.
- Congratulations.
- Oh...
- Hey, Pop.
- Hey!
- I missed you, son.
- Ah. I missed you too, Pop.
- ## [Opera Continues]
- How was the war? Did you have fun?
- I want you to meet Diane.
- [Cheeks Snapping]
- Hi.
- Oh. Tastes like chicken!
- Tony!
- Hey!
[Laughing]
My big brother got married, huh?
- Who is she?
- Some Italian girl.
- Who's this?
- Oh, this is Diane.
- We went to Vassar together.
- Hi, Joey.
Anthony's told me so much about you.
Psychopath, right?
- Yeah.
- Hey!
- Oh, he seems so nice, honey.
- Get back here or I'll shoot
you in the face!
- Easy, Joey. Easy, easy, easy.
- ## [Opera Ends]
Guido. Say hello to Guido.
Hey, scunge.
- Say hello to my present.
Somethin', huh?
- How ya doin'?
Don Cortino?
Don Marzoni from Las Vegas.
Don Cortino. You honor me
by inviting me to your home.
I've heard great things
about what you're doing in Las Vegas.
[Vincenzo]
You know, you look familiar.
Uh, this is a friend of mine.
Pepper Gianini.
Oh. Gianini.
Any Sicilian in you?
Not since last night.
[Guests Applauding]
[Vincenzo Clearing Throat]
Marriage.
The bond that binds us together.
- [Guests Murmuring]
- Myself, I've been married
to the same...
wonderful woman for 42 years.
- [Guests] Aww!
- Of course, sex stopped for us
about a week after the wedding.
As it should!
I love my Rosa as much today...
as I did the first time
I forced myself on her.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
But, uh, how about
this one here?
- Breasts like cabbages.
- [Guests] What?
And how about that ass? You could
play canasta on it. [Chuckles]
So, Joey,
remember this old Sicilian proverb:
"Man is like a piece of cheese."
[Man]
Hear, hear!
[Crowd Applauds, Murmurs Approval]
- Piece of cheese?
- Piece of cheese.
## [Orchestra: "Santa Lucia"]
## [Music Continues]
Say hello to my little friend.
- Ooh! Ah! Ooh!
- [Shocked Screaming]
Ah-oo-ee-ah!
- [Man] What the hell's that?
- [Man #2] It's the jitterbug, guys.
Come on, jitterbug.
- ## ["In The Mood"]
- Ooh!
- Oo-ah-ee-oh!
- [Laughing]
- Oh-ah-oh-ah-oo-ee!
- Wow!
- Ooh-ooh!
- [Bride] Whoo!
- Yikes!
- [Chuckling]
Oh! Ooh! Ee! Ah!
- [Musician] What's he doin' now?
- ## [Latin Beat]
- [Machine Gun Firing]
- Ooh! Ah! Ee!
## [Band Sings "Macarena"]
- Ooh! Ee! Uhh!
- [Laughing]
Ee! Ah! Uhh!
# Hey, Macarena #
Aah! Ooh! Aah!
- [Groaning]
- [Crowd Gasping]
- [Popping]
- [High-Pitched Groaning]
No-o-o!
[Echoing]
[Squishing]
[Squeaking On Floor]
[Dog Barking]
[Tony Narrating] After the attack
on Pop, Joey was on a rampage.
He was ready to go to war.
So we brought in some strong-arm goons
from out of town.
[Creaking, Whirring]
[Tony]
Pop was in and out of consciousness.
And when he was awake, he seemed
to have lost his will to live.
No doctors, no nurses, there's...
there's no one here to help him.
- Diane, he belongs to an H.M.O.
- Oh.
[Whining, Yelping]
- Is he okay?
- Pop. My God, Pop!
- Had a dog dream.
- [Sighs]
Anthony, I always knew
I could count on you.
Well, we've been here every day.
Really? So have I.
- Come close.
- Uh, Diane?
- Could you excuse us for a minute?
- Oh, sure.
If you need me,
I'll be up on the bidet.
How bad is it? The truth.
You're gonna be okay. You lost a lot
of blood, but we found most of it.
Yeah.
This just arrived.
[Vincenzo]
Oh, a carp! How thoughtful.
- Fish sticks for everybody!
- No, Pop, it's a message.
Oyster Jimmy sleeps
with the fishes.
Well, I hope he's using protection.
Good-looking fellow like that
could have any woman he wanted.
Present company included.
Hmph!
Pop, somebody's out to get us,
and we don't know who.
Can you think of anybody, Pop?
Anybody?
Well, there is a man,
and he has only one thumb.
It matches this.
We used to just steal things...
kill and dismember people.
Now it's all drugs!
Oh, where's the honor?
Why go on?
I brought somebody
to cheer you up, Pop.
[Farting]
- Mama?
- Scusi.
- Mama!
- Look what they did to my boy.
- [Whimpering]
- Oh, my sweet... Vincenzo.
I kept your ring for ya, Mama.
Here. [Farting]
Scusi, Mama. Scusi.
- [Farting]
- Eh, let me.
Scusi, Mama.
[Farting]
- Scusi, Mama. Scusi, scusi, scusi...
- [Farting Rhythmically]
- [Long, Loud Farting]
- [Mama] Won't yank off!
[Vincenzo]
It's stuck! I can't get it off.
[Family Chattering]
Mm.
- [Man] You... whose kid are you?
- [Man #2] Here you go, Paulie.
Gino, don't eat so fast.
God'll give you a tumor.
Hey, Mom, lay off the kid.
Slow down. You gotta digest.
Gorgoni wouldn't try to kill Pop
just because he insulted him.
There's gotta be
more to it than that.
It had to be Gorgoni.
I say, we whack him.
- No business at the table.
- This shirt is stranglin' me.
- I told you I'd take it back.
- You make me nuts, the way you shop.
- Ooh, Italian food!
- [Family Falls Silent]
- Mm.
- What, you think Gorgoni wants
to take over the family?
Come on, he ain't got
the cogliones for that.
Maybe somebody bigger
ordered the hit, Joey.
I told you, not at the table.
You wanna bring a pox?
[Joey] Gorgoni will not stop until
Pop is dead. We gotta have a war.
Kill every one of those
rat-lickin' basserinos.
[Vincenzo's Mother] Tie his steaming
intestines to a runaway horse...
- and yank 'em out his ass!
- Who wants tea?
- Don't reach.
- Hey!
Don't say "hey" to your grandma.
Show some respect.
I'm gonna get some tea.
Sure nobody want none?
I tell ya how I'm gonna
settle our differences.
I'm gonna shoot the guy
right in the lombardos.
Goddamn it, I said,
not in front of the kids.
[Clamato] Just once,
I'd like to see you buy somethin',
without havin' to exchange it.
Twenty-four years I'm married.
I could have shot her
and been out on parole 14 years.
I'll do it.
I'll kill Gorgoni.
[Scoffs]
You? College boy?
It's just business.
We'll set up a meeting
someplace public, like...
a roller rink or a boutique.
I'll kill Gorgoni myself.
- Diane.
- Cut off her feet and make soup.
- Diane.
- Anthony, do you remember
when we were in college...
before you were drafted...
We said that we were going
to dedicate our lives to...
to ending war, to bringing
peace to the world?
- What happened to that?
- World peace?
Don't be so naive, Diane.
Besides, I can't turn my back on Pop
and Joey. They're like family to me.
Anthony, they're criminals.
They're murderers.
Criminals are people too, Diane.
If you prick a murderer,
does he not leave a blood trail...
all the way back
to his Rockingham estate?
This is that whole
Sicilian thing, isn't it?
I'll never belong, Anthony.
I'm always just gonna be that Protestant
chick who never killed anyone!
- [Door Slams]
- [Clamato] All right,
let's go over it again.
Now, you kill him after the main course.
Salad's too soon.
And then, somethin' light
for dessert...
maybe a sorbet or some kiwi.
Frankie'll stash the pistol
in the bathroom for ya.
He'll put the gun in the stall
behind the flush tank.
Hey, don't worry, Anthony.
You'll do okay.
Anthony. Benvenuto.
He's gonna frisk you.
- Turn your head.
- [Honking]
- Cough.
- [Coughing]
He's clean.
And "April-fresh."
Sit.
I'm gonna speak Italian
to Anthony.
[Grunting]
"Lyle Menendez"?
[Creaking]
[Grunting]
[Screaming, Burbling]
Come on!
[Toilet Flushes]
El Nino.
[Squeaking]
Okay.
Oh. Wha...? Oh.
[Motor Roaring, Wind Whistling]
[Groaning]
Lou Ferrigno? Doh!
[Cutlery Scraping]
[Door Slams]
[Shoes Squishing]
So. Anthony.
Che dice?
Can we do business?
[Subway Squealing, Wheels Clacking]
- Anthony?
- [Train Squeals Louder]
- [Seagulls Crying]
- I can hear the ocean.
[Gagging, Munching]
[Belches]
Ooh!
[Tony Narrating]
My life had come to this.
The little crippled kid...
they used to call "Tiny Anthony," who
had sold flowers on the street corner,
had grown up to be a killer.
## [Accordion, Mandolin]
[Tony] When he was my age,
things were different for Pop.
By the time of the Great Depression,
my father, Vincenzo Cortino,
was a law-abiding citizen
struggling through the ranks...
of the Manhattan
olive oil business.
[Man]
Vincenzo Cortino!
- [Neighs In Pain]
- Hey, Vincenzo.
- Hey, Clamato. How are you?
- Look at you. You work too hard.
Come to the duck fights
with me tonight.
The Kid is undefeated.
Uh, no, Dominick.
Thank you.
I have a family. I'm married,
I'm not supposed to enjoy myself.
Besides, where'd you get enough money
to buy your own duck, hmm?
- When are you going
to wise up, Vincenzo?
- [Quacking]
Some day, I'm gonna
own an entire goose.
And you'll still have
the stink of olives on you.
- Who is he?
- Don Narducci. The Black Hand.
- For a price, he protects the people.
- Ah, goombah.
Stay away from him, or your life won't
be worth the paper it's printed on.
[Chattering, Hawking]
[Quacking]
[Squeezing, Squeaking]
- [Drips]
- [Sighs]
Atsa good-a week's work, Vincenzo.
[Child]
Papa, Papa!
[Bell Ringing]
Papa, Papa, good news! I sold
the other daisy to Signor Biggio!
Ah, Tiny Anthony.
Come, come.
Ah, you are such a good boy,
you know that?
- It's Joey's birthday, Papa!
- Yes, yes. I know.
We will try to find him
something nice on the way home.
Well, I guess you'll be
needing your pay.
[Cash Register Ringing]
I give you the big half.
- [Penny Clinking]
- Grazie, Mr. Rizzo. Grazie.
You are too good to me, huh?
- [Rizzo] It's nothing.
- Come. Let's go home.
[Rizzo]
You do well, right, Tiny Anthony?
- I'll see you tomorrow, Signor Rizzo.
- Si.
[Tiny Anthony]
Good-bye, Mr. Rizzo.
[Groans]
God bless us everyone.
[Sighs]
Ay.
- [Door Rattles]
- [Tiny Anthony] Mama, we're home!
- Cara mio.
- Cara mia.
- Papa!
- Joey.
- I sold another flower, Mama.
- That's wonderful.
[Mama] Come, sit.
Dinner is ready. Sit, sit!
I've been cooking all day.
[Sighs]
I-I had to sell the hook.
Ah.
I saw a man today, Rosa,
who sucks his own people dry.
Mm. Like in those movies
you made me watch.
No. I mean in a bad way.
- Oh.
- What did you bring me
for my birthday, Papa?
What did I bring you? This!
Happy birthday, Joey.
[Inhales Deeply]
Mm, boot!
- Smells delicious, Rosa.
- Mm.
- Who wants an end cut?
- [Joey] Can I have the tongue?
[Rosa]
Open your present, Joey.
[Baby Crying]
[Squeaking]
Pop, it's a rat!
- No, it's a puppy.
- But it looks like a rat.
Don't argue with your father!
God'll pluck your eyes out.
- It's a puppy.
- [Baby Crying]
- [Stops Crying]
- It must have cost you a fortune.
- Yes. But look how happy the boy is.
- [Sucking]
- [Frightened Gasping] Oh! Ugh.
- [Chittering]
[Sucking On a Straw,
Popping Loose]
Someday, will I be able to run and play
like all the other children?
Yes, my son. Yes.
And I promise you,
there will come a day where your legs
will be as strong as any ox.
And this...
- This battered old crutch
will be nothing but a memory.
- [Screams]
- So, the Cortinos are celebrating.
- [Gasps]
I want my cut of the money
you've been making, Cortino.
- [Gasps]
- [Vincenzo] Please,
Don Narducci, we have nothing.
- [Joey] Papa, Papa!
- What is it, Joey?
We have the money in the green can we've
been saving for Anthony's operation.
- Uh!
- I'm not a greedy man.
- I just want to wet my beak.
- Please, no!
Rosa!
Next time, you'd better have
more, or I'll take something
truly precious from you.
- [Gasps]
- [Splattering]
God bless us, everyone!
# Danke schoen #
# Darlin', danke schoen #
[Tony] After I whacked Gorgoni,
I had to disappear.
When a guy on the run wants to hide,
there's no place like Las Vegas.
It's a city with no memory,
a town full of strangers.
[High-Pitched Voice]
# I recall Central Park in fall #
# How you tore your dress
What a mess #
[Tony Narrating]
They say you can't hit a moving target.
- So I kept moving.
- # Danke schoen #
- # Darlin', Danke schoen #
- Right now, watch, ladies and gentlemen,
as I transform
my lovely assistant Louise...
into a Bengal tiger.
[Gasps]
Pop never groomed me
for a life like this.
He had other plans.
I was supposed to be Senator Cortino,
or Governor Cortino.
- Louise. Tiger!
- [Roaring]
[Screaming]
- [Crunching]
- Louise.
- What a pair of legs on her, huh?
- [Roaring]
After a while, the long hours, the
pressure to perform, the catty reviews...
it started to wear me down.
Then one day out of the blue,
I get a message from Don Marzoni.
This guy owns Vegas.
# Danke schoen
Oh, darlin', danke schoen ##
I don't know if I could run
your casino even if I wanted to.
You might think of this job
as kind of an insurance policy.
I know that, but I killed a guy.
I mean, I'm on the lam.
Nobody's gonna give me a casino license.
You don't have to have
a license to work a casino.
You just apply
to the Gaming Commission.
This commission's the same guys
who run Major League Baseball.
Now, think about it.
You think they're gonna turn you down?
Just for killing a guy?
Nah.
[Tony]
Who could resist?
Anywhere else in the country,
I'd be just another murderer.
[Croupier]
Place your bets, place your bets.
But here, I was a murderer
who ran a casino.
Suddenly, I fit right in.
- [Croupier] Craps. Loser.
- [Crowd Groans]
Marzoni brought out my brother Joey
to handle security and we went to work.
Oh, look who's here.
It's Joey.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. You lose.
Nope. I'm sorry.
Thank you for playing.
[Tony] The way I figured it,
the best way to stay alive was...
- to make money for the Family.
- Oh, we love this.
Thank you for playing.
So, I made money...
enough to make a Wall Street
investment banker drool.
[Man]
Place your bets. Place your bets.
[Tony]
All I thought about was the casino.
- Fifty-two pickup!
- [Groaning]
No distractions,
no time for myself, until...
- ## ["Hot Stuff"]
- [Man] Yeah, come on, baby! Yeah.
Yeah!
# Sittin' here eatin'
my heart out waitin' #
# Waitin' for some lover
to call #
# Lookin' for some hot stuff
baby, this evening #
# I need your hot stuff
baby, tonight #
# I want some hot stuff
baby, this evenin' #
# Got to have some hot stuff
Got to have love tonight #
- Oh!
- Yeah!
[Tony Narrating]
She had everything a man could want.
Beauty, brains,
- [Clattering]
- And class.
Yeah, yeah!
# Lookin' for a lover
who needs another #
# Don't want another night
on my own #
- [Crowd Cheers]
- [Tony Narrating] What a dismount.
I fell in love right there.
# Wanna bring a wild man
back home ##
- So where did you learn
to dance like that?
- Juilliard.
I wanted to be a research chemist,
but my legs were too long.
You know, there's somethin'
very familiar about you.
We met at your father's
attempted murder.
Oh, that's right.
You're Pepper Gianini, right?
You were with Don Marzoni.
He's such a sweetheart. He helped me
out once when I was down on my luck.
- Financial trouble?
- No, Mai Luck,
- the Chinese ambassador. [Giggles]
- Oh, hi!
So, the Peppermill.
Marzoni named it after you, huh?
[Pepper]
Sure did. I'm the apple of his eye.
I'll bet you're rotten to the core.
Yeah. And I'm delicious.
[Slurping]
[Anthony Narrating]
Diane was becoming a distant memory...
very distant.
I had a feeling she was a wildcat...
but I knew I was just the man
who could tame her.
[Gargling]
Anthony? Anthony?
Huh?
Oh!
Wow! Oh!
Wow! Oh, yes!
Anthony! Ahh!
[Continues Moaning]
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, Anthony!
Wheee!
Wow. You got game.
[Man] All bets are down.
The lady's comin' out.
- Yea!
- This lady's a winner.
[Tony Narrating] Pepper started
taking up a lot of my time...
when I tried to stay
focused on the casino.
Come on. Yea!
Joey wasn't much help.
[Sniffling]
[Squeaking]
- You're winnin' my money?
- Yeah!
Looking back,
I was so blinded by love...
I didn't see the big problem
right in front of me.
[Snorts]
[Gasps, Chokes]
If it was white and if it was powder,
Joey was into it.
It was my job to keep
an eye on the gamblers,
but my eyes were only on Pepper.
- Fourteen, sixteen, bust.
- When I stopped paying attention
so did everyone else,
- House pays.
- And the suckers started
beating the house.
Then the cheaters got wind
and started flocking to us.
They cruise from casino to casino,
looking for weak dealers
the way lions look for weak antelope.
[Sneezing]
Queen.
I could see the dealer
wasn't in on it,
but he was lifting his
hole card way too high.
Yeah.
We had a surefire way
of handling things like that.
Now here's this guy reading
the hole card and signaling his buddy.
[Coughing]
Bet the farm!
# I've never felt
like this before #
# Something's got a hold
on me that won't let go #
# Believe I'll die
if I only could #
# I feel so strange
but it sure is good #
- [Zapping]
- [Gasping]
# Hey, hey, yeah
Oh, it must be love ##
- [Zapping]
- [Yelling]
- [Zapping]
- [Yelling]
[Zapping, Yelling Continue]
- [Zapping]
- Lord!
- [Zapping]
- [Shrieking]
- [Zapping]
- Mommy!
- Oh! Oh!
- Joey was always a hothead,
but I could rely on him.
- Who?
No, no, no!
Now with the drugs,
he was out of control,
and the place was falling apart.
Then the take dropped off,
and that's the worst thing
that can happen at a casino.
I did what I could
to turn things around...
we recycled the food,
fired the dishwashers,
started a happy hour for seniors
and the mentally ill.
We even watered down the drinks,
but that meant
we had to skimp in other places.
[Thud]
# Happy birthday to you #
Then, things really took a turn
when Pop came to visit.
# Happy birthday, Don Cortino #
# Happy birthday to you ##
- [Applause]
- Congratulations!
Happy birthday!
[Don Cortino] Ah, the cake's
beautiful, Bonifacio. Beautiful.
I want to thank you all
for coming today.
I know that many of you
have put off important murders
and drug deals to be here.
I'm especially pleased
to have representatives
from the five families with us...
the Badalotos, the Romanis,
the Marzonis, the Jeffersons...
who moved on up from the East Side
to get themselves a piece of the pie.
My friends, a while ago
I was shot 47 times.
And it really got me thinking:
It's time to pass on my power.
And I want you all to know that at
the time of my death, I, Don Cortizone,
will turn over all that
I control to my son, Anthony.
- [Applause]
- [Guests]
Congratulations! Just great!
Joey, you get Wisconsin.
Ah, devil's food.
Mangia! Enjoy!
## [Men Singing]
- Pastiori!
- Quick-pick loser!
Wisconsin... big, fat German women.
It ain't right.
If you ask me,
your being passed over is an insult.
I'm smart.
I can handle anything.
- I been groomin' myself
my whole life to be Don.
- Maybe I can help.
It's none of your business,
all right?
Don't ever try to come
between me and my family.
Ooh. Anger.
Maybe I've been barking
up the wrong Cortino.
- [Slurping]
- [Moaning]
[Barking]
[Barking Continues]
[Man]
Thattagirl. Come get the bone.
- [Man] You wanna go to the park?
- [Whipping, Slapping]
All right, now.
Roll over. Speak!
- [Barking Continues]
- [Man Sighs]
- Oh, my God. How could you?
- What are ya talkin' about?
A total stranger I could understand.
You and another woman, maybe.
Me, you and another woman, definitely.
But Joey... my brother!
Tony, it's not what it looks like.
It's the Heimlich.
She swallowed a big chunk of meat.
- You're banging your brains out.
- You're just guessing!
What do you take me for,
some kind of idiot?
Tony, ti amo.
The air conditioning broke.
We had to cool down.
- How can you deny this?
- You can't prove anything.
[Barking, Whimpering]
- You're a slut.
You will sleep with anybody.
- That's what sluts do.
If I was particular,
I wouldn't be a slut.
Joey... you're the last person
in the world I'd expect this from.
- We're family.
I would never betray you...
- Don't lie to me!
- You guys are sleeping together!
- All right, all right!
But we never actually slept!
Oh, my G... That's my brother!
Don't ever go near him again!
You don't own me, Anthony.
- That's why we don't have
nice things, Pepper.
- Get out of my life!
[Dog Squeals]
[Cooing]
[Sighs]
- [Joey] Tony,
it's not what it looks like.
- [Diane] Psychopath, right?
[Anthony] I can't turn my back on Pop
and Joey. They're like family to me.
- [Diane] This is that
whole Sicilian thing, isn't it?
- I would never betray you.
- [Don Cortino]
I always knew I could count on you.
- They're criminals... murderers.
- [Anthony]
Criminals are people too, Diane.
- Get out of my life!
[Lmitating Bill Clinton] I did not
have sexual relations with that woman...
Miss Lewinsky...
but I am wearing her underwear.
It's done.
[Sighs]
Chuckie?
Watch this.
- Boogey, boogey, boogey!
- [Gasps]
Boogey, boogey, boogey!
- [Chuckie Laughing]
- [Coughs]
[Coughing]
Please, Chuckie.
I started this. Uhh!
- [Giggling]
- [Coughing]
Grandpa? Grandpa?
[Snickering]
Rolex!
[Snickering Wickedly]
[Sighs]
[Anthony Narrating]
Everybody dies, but in the Mafia...
people die more often,
and never by accident.
The death of my father sent
shock waves through the underworld.
The family was without a leader.
The news reached me
at a private hospital...
- that catered exclusively
to English patients.
- One, two, three...
My explosion, his death...
someone wanted the Cortino empire.
We're here today to lay to rest
the dearly departed soul...
of Don Vincenzo
Armani Windbreaker Cortino.
The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside
the still waters.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death...
I shall fear no evil.
[Gasps]
- [Wheezing]
- [Whistles]
[Wheezes, Gasps]
The rod... Thy rod and Thy staff...
- It's okay, Mama.
- [Gasps]
- I'm here now.
- [Gags]
I know. I know.
I'm glad to see you too.
[Gags]
- Everyone had something to gain
with Pop out of the way.
- [Priest] Surely...
- I couldn't trust anybody.
- [Priest] and Laverne.
Which one of them killed my father?
- Don Romani from the Chicago family?
- [All Gagging]
Don Badaloto
from the Cleveland mob?
Don Quixote?
- Don Cornelius?
- Love, peace and soul.
But it wasn't until I saw
Chuckie, my brother Joey's kid,
taking a payoff from the man
with the missing thumb,
that I realized our family's enemy
had been Don Marzoni all along.
I had been embraced by the man
whose lifelong vendetta
had been to kill my father.
And now, with my own nephew,
he had succeeded.
In the quicksand of organized crime,
the only option is retribution.
My cup runneth ohhh!
[Gags]
I wondered how Pop
would have handled all this,
- then I thought back to the most
important day of my childhood.
- [Boy] Daisies, daisies...
five dozen...
for a nickel!
Daisies, daisies!
Five dozen for a nickel!
Hi, Tiny Anthony.
How's my favorite florist?
Oh, hi, Jenny.
This is for you.
Thank you.
Ah, the Cortino boy. You know,
your papa never paid me what he owes.
You've done well.
This belongs to me.
Of course, Don Narducci.
And so does this!
[Gasps, Moans]
Uh! Miracle Gro!
- Hey, kid!
- Let's grab him! Hey, you... c'mere!
Run, florist, run!
Get back here!
Ooh! Pitchfork! Look out!
[Grunts]
Papa! Papa!
Tiny Anthony... my boy!
It's a miracle!
- [Cocks Gun]
- Stay.
You surprise me, Don Narducci.
They say violence is
the hand puppet of the ignorant.
- Don't call me ignorant.
- No? Then answer me this:
Train "A" leaves Seattle
at 40 miles per hour.
Train "B" leaves Houston
at 50 miles per hour.
Which train
arrives at Sea World first?
- Papa! Papa!
- What is it, Joey?
This is 1938... there won't be
Sea World for another 30 years.
You tried to trick me.
Now I kill you all.
Mine!
[Both Grunt]
Don Cortino!
[Muffled]
Godfather.
[Anthony Narrating]
Papa taught me the virtue of vengeance.
Now was time to take control
of the family business.
But first I had to put my life back
on track, and that meant finding Diane.
[TV Announcer]
And although it seemed an impossible
dream just a few years ago,
the feeling today fluctuates
between anxious anticipation...
and outright exhilaration
as political and spiritual leaders...
from every country on Earth
have convened at this historic site...
to witness the final signature
on the document...
that will secure and guarantee
world peace in perpetuity.
The "Peace For All Time"
treaty... or P-FAT,
as it has been dubbed
by its author and champion,
the President of the United States...
marks the culmination
of one person's heroic crusade...
to end strife,
no matter where it may occur.
The presidential limousine
is arriving.
The president is emerging
and striding triumphantly forward.
One can only imagine the thoughts
that must be racing through her mind...
as the world's attention focuses
on this unprecedented achievement.
With the addition
of my signature today,
P-FAT becomes a reality.
It is my most fervent hope
that this be...
the moment when all mankind
comes together...
when at last the world's population
can rise as one, and say...
Anthony?
Oh, my God!
- Step back.
- Stand closely. Take the left.
- Anthony.
- It's good to see you, Diane.
What happened to your face?
Car exploded.
What are you doing here, Anthony?
I've taken over the family business.
I need you.
I care about you.
I came here...
because I want you to marry me
and come home with me.
Madam President... the treaty.
But what about P-FAT, Anthony?
I'm so near to fulfilling
the dream that... that we once shared.
There's someone I want you to meet.
This is my very good friend,
President Steen.
- Would you like to say hi to her?
- Hi, President Steen.
Hello. You're a daddy.
I'm a daddy.
So, what's your name?
- Diane.
- Like me!
I named him after his mother.
I'm a mother?
- Why didn't you tell me?
- You said you didn't want
to be a part of my life.
Oh!
Anthony, he's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen!
He looks just like me!
You smell good.
I had cantaloupe for lunch.
- You like football, huh?
- Uh-huh.
Ever since Michael Irvin
laid off the nose candy.
Do you want to play?
- I'd love to.
- Are you my real mommy?
Uh-huh.
[Sniffles, Honks]
Go long, Mommy.
[Cheering, Applause]
## [Bells Tolling]
[Joey]
Yeah, I understand, but...
I-I don't know
if I can make it there.
You sure?
You're out of the wedding, Joey.
It's a local call.
You gotta answer for Pop.
What the hell you talkin' about?
I had nothin' to do with that.
Fingered 'im. Just like you
set me up that day in Vegas...
that little sexual fromage-a-trois
you played with Pepper.
You think you can fool
another Cortino?
You bastarducci!
Sit down.
Get him a drink.
Tony, don't do this
to me, please.
You think I'd kill my own brother
just 'cause he tried to kill me?
Today's the day I settle
all family business.
- I'm putting you on a plane to Fargo.
- These are over the wing!
Now, tell me everything
that happened that night.
Don't lie to me,
because it insults my intelligence.
Pepper got me
together with Marzoni.
He said if I helped him out,
he'd make it worth my while.
- He said he'd make me
head of the family.
- I'd always take care of you.
You're my kid brother!
You take care of me?
I'm the oldest, Tony,
and I was stepped over!
- That was Pop's idea.
- Well, it wasn't my idea!
- You're a psychotic lunatic.
- And I deserve respect for that!
You broke my heart, Joey.
I don't ever want
to see you again.
That's, uh, $3.50.
## ["The Bridal March"]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God...
to join this man and this woman
in a state of holy matrimony.
- ## [Harpsichord]
- It is the most sacred of journeys,
one in which
the sanctity of human life...
is cherished and celebrated.
Your love must be sincere.
Detest what is evil,
cling to what is good,
- rejoice in hope,
be patient under trial,
- [Grunts]
Persevere in prayer,
be generous in offering hospitality.
Clothe yourselves
with heartfelt mercy...
with kindness, humility,
meekness and patience.
Bear with one another.
Forgive whatever grievances
you have against one another.
Dear friends, you have
come together in this church...
so that the Lord may seal
and strengthen your love...
in the presence of this church's
minister and community.
And so in the presence of the church,
I ask you to state your intentions.
Anthony and Diane,
have you come here freely
and without reservation...
to give yourselves
to each other in marriage?
[Together]
We have.
Will you love and honor each other,
as man and wife,
for the rest of your life?
- [Together] We will.
- Let us pray.
[Priest Praying In Latin]
[Praying Continues]
[Grunts]
- [Hissing]
- Huh?
[Chirps, Shrieks]
## [Celtic]
[Exhales]
[Priest] Anthony and Diane,
since it is your intention...
to enter into marriage, join your
right hands and declare your consent.
- [Groans]
- [Thud]
[Minister] Diane, do you take
Anthony for your lawful husband...
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
I do.
Anthony, do you take Diane
to be your lawfully wedded wife...
to have and to hold from this day
forward, for better, for worse,
- for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
- [Creatures Squawking]
- [Gasps]
- Till death do you part?
I do.
- [Screeching, Chirping]
- [Panting]
[Chuckie]
Ow! Yikes! Hey! Oh!
That's my liver, you dick!
[Screams]
## [Celtic]
Watch me. Watch me.
[Grunts]
- [Audience] Oh!
- [Screams]
- [Priest]
What God hath joined together...
- Not personal... is business.
Let no man tear asunder.
- [Farts] Scuzi.
- [Gasps]
Mazel Tov!
[Cheering]
## ["The Wedding March"]
[Guests Cheering]
[Sirens Wailing]
- That's far enough, guys. Mafia only.
- Oh. Sorry.
Lousy, coldhearted bastard!
You knew you were gonna kill them,
didn't you? Look at the papers!
That's you!
That's my husband!
- Is it true?
- Don't ask me about my business, Diane.
Is it true, Anthony? Did you kill
those men? Did you kill Joey's son?
[Sighs]
No.
Oh. Okay. Whoops.
[Laughs]
You know what?
Think I'm gonna get some frozen yogurt.
See you a little bit later.
[Tony Narrating]
So, here's the enigma:
Some would argue
the Mafia's a bad thing,
that it uses its power
to undermine law and order...
- to promote the lowest forms
of human behavior.
- Don Cortino.
Of course, that's all true,
but in the end, maybe it's worth it.
- The way I see it, when the law
fails us, it fails our children.
- [Ring Whistles]
- Godfather.
- Only the Mafia has the power
to do the one deed...
to benefit all mankind.
Oooh!
[Chuckles, Gasps]
- [Grunts]
- [Groans]
# We are family #
# I got all my sisters with me #
# We are family #
# Get up, everybody and sing #
# We are family #
# I got all my sisters with me #
# We are family #
# Get up, everybody and sing #
# Everyone can see we're together #
# As we walk on by #
# And we fly just like birds
of a feather #
# I won't tell no lie #
# All of the people around us
they say #
# Can they be that close #
Ooh, Italian food!
# We're givin' love
in a family dose #
# We are family #
# I got all my sisters with me #
# We are family #
# Get up, everybody and sing #
We're family!
I would never betray you.
# I got all my sisters with me #
# We are family #
# Get up, everybody and sing #
# Yeah ##
# We are family #
Hey, how ya doin'?
# We are family #
# I got all my sisters with me #
# Oh, oh, yeah #
# We are family #
# Get up, everybody and sing #
# We are family ##
You smell good.
I had cantaloupe for lunch.
## [Man Singing In Italian]
## [Women Singing Aria]
## [Aria Continues]
- ## [Aria Ends]
- [Applause]
[Woman] Just great!