Jackass Number Two (2006)

Holy shit!
Oh, fuck!
No, no, no!
Oh, shit!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass!
All right, boys and girls.
It's time for a puppet show.
Once upon a time,
there was a hungry serpent
and a lonely field mouse
who needed a friend.
Hello, Mr. Serpent.
My name is Mr. Mousey.
I wanna be your friend.
Yeah, just make sure my
whole weiner's out. I wanna look good.
How about if I tickle him on the tail?
Hey, over here.
That's not nice.
That's not the way we play back home.
That was not nice.
He's like an inch away.
Here we go. Give me a little kissy.
A little kiss.
Oh, God!
Oh, God, that hurts!
It's got its tooth stuck in his dick!
I guess the puppet show's over then.
Oh, my God.
"Hi, Jackass guys.
"I heard you were staying at this hotel."
- What the fuck is that?
- Dude, look at that.
It's like... Someone like...
Look at it. What is this?
I can't even read it, dude.
Read it out loud.
"Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.
"My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.
"Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.
"I don't care about that."
Oh! You fucking dick.
Oh, my God.
I was wondering
why it was so fucking small.
Did you see this?
Fucking fans just wrote this, like,
saying how much they want to fuck us.
And it says...
Read it up close. It's fucking hilarious.
- Read it out loud for the camera.
- Okay.
"Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago."
It was probably you.
"And I don't care about that.
"Me and my friends
will totally rock your world.
"I wanna fuck you all."
It's the fucking stupidest thing
I've ever seen.
Fans actually put that...
Read the little part, dude.
Get Wee Man's little ass up here
but only if... No one be in the hall.
- Just, like, Bam. He's selling it so good.
- Is there a chair out here?
Wee Man, dude,
some girl wants to rock your world.
Dude, you got to read this.
These fans put up this...
Dude, stand on this.
Read it out loud for the camera.
It's perfect "behind the scenes", dude.
"Hi, Jackass guys.
I heard you were staying at this hotel.
"My name is Stephanie
and me and my friends love you.
"Some of you actually hooked up
with my sister four years ago.
"I don't care about that.
"Me and my friends..."
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
He actually stood on the chair.
Why would there ever be a chair
in the hallway?
I'm Dave England,
and this is the Firehose Rodeo.
Fucking hell!
God damn it!
Oh, shit!
- Bravo, homo.
- Did you see how he slammed?
My ass hurts so fucking bad!
- Hey, is it bleeding?
- Yeah.
Man, you are bleeding.
- My ass is bleeding?
- We have rectal bleeding.
Another first for Jackass.
Get back here, you little bastard!
Get back here!
Now it's time
for a little Bicentennial BMXing.
- All right.
- Alley-oop.
Hear ye, hear ye.
This is really going to suck.
Why would anybody ride this shit?
It's like, what's the reasoning?
Why wouldn't they just make
two of the same-size wheel?
Oh, fuck.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
You didn't land it.
My head stopped my body
from getting really hurt on that one.
Oh, fuck.
See, we have a weight going up
and it's supposed to hit me in the nuts,
but I'd prefer to have, like,
a dildo instead of the weight
and then, instead of the nuts,
it'll be my ass. It'll go right in.
That's the way to do it.
Could somebody
make a dick run? Please?
Today's debate.
Is it wrong to be strong?
You be the judge.
Now, Bam just took a golden dildo
up his ass at high speed.
That's what happened.
My name is Gloria and I'm 90 years old.
And I'm a slut.
Okay, I'm going to go
get us a table now, okay?
- Bye, Mama. Thank you.
- Goodbye.
Go ahead. I'm fine.
Excuse me, sir.
Could I use your cellular telephone?
What's the number?
I don't know what number. It's the driver.
- Oh, yes. Could you dial it for me?
- Yes, yes.
What is the number?
I don't know.
What is his number? I don't know.
This happens every time I go to brunch.
- Is this okay for now?
- Yes, thank you.
I'm Danger Ehren, here with Thor,
and this is the Mini-Loop.
He can barely ride it.
All right, let Thor try it.
Come on.
I hit my head pretty hard.
Good thing I'm wearing that helmet.
Safety first.
I love that confidence.
I'm not gay but I...
I kind of want to fuck him.
- Come on, Danger, get on it.
- How's the bike?
Bike's good.
He's mocking the loop.
After this movie comes out, you're
totally going to lose your virginity.
- You almost pulled it off.
- I don't think dudes count, Chris.
Here we are
at some random-ass ranch,
and this is the Brand.
And it's gonna suck.
- Drop them.
- Good luck.
- You have no hair on your ass.
- It is pretty.
- You ready?
- No.
- You better get ready quick.
- That is a mini hard dick right there.
Try not to move around. You don't want
to have two of those things on you.
Oh, dear God.
I wasn't bummed for you, till right now.
If I take it off,
it's gonna go cold in a second.
I have to keep it on
until we're ready to film.
All right.
You said 10 seconds 20 seconds ago.
Clean him off.
- All right, you ready?
- No.
Don't move.
- Go, go, go!
- Don't move.
Press it hard, you idiot!
Fuck! It's good.
No, it's not, dude. You got to hold it to it.
Oh, fuck!
Dude, that hurts so fucking bad!
Well, if you didn't jump out of the way,
I would've had it done the first time.
- You should've pressed, you asshole!
- I did press! You went like that!
Fuck! Oh, God damn, that hurt so bad.
Turn around.
I'm not going to burn you again.
I already got you three times.
- Three of them.
- You gave me a hologram dick.
There's three solid dicks,
there's one half-assed one right here
and then you gave me a set of balls.
- But a sweet set of balls.
- Rad.
I'd rather rip my dick off
and throw it in the river
than to do that again.
God damn.
We're at Ape and Phil's house
and I'm gonna present them
the branded dick on my butt.
Let me rephrase that. Dicks.
- Well, I gave him a present.
- What present?
He loved it.
- What?
- It still hurts.
- What? What am I looking at?
- He gave me a dick farm on my ass.
Oh, my God! What is that?
What is that?
- I branded his ass.
- It's supposed to be a dick
but he did it six times,
so now I have a dick farm on my ass.
- Is that permanent?
- Yes! Look!
- What is that, a tattoo?
- It's a brand. A hot iron for cows.
Bam, that is so infected!
That does not look good. Oh, my God,
he's going to have that for life!
- You're going to have that for life.
- No shit.
If you have one on there, you should've
made it bigger and more realistic.
- That puny thing's embarrassing.
- Ape, I got a muffed-up-ass butt.
I know, and you had the cutest butt ever
and now you've ruined it.
- No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
- Yeah, why'd you ruin it?
I tried to do it good. He jumped around.
I was scared. I'm burning my own friend.
Why would you burn him
in the first place, Dunn?
- Because it was funny.
- It's not funny.
Get ready to be happy,
ladies and gentlemen.
Johnny Knoxville is going to jump
the entire lake.
He's amazing.
What happened? You were going about
one mile per hour,
then, all of a sudden, 60.
I thought you were gonna hang on.
There is no holding on
to that motherfucker.
Oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Zupan
is going to jump the entire lake.
Mark, give our regards
to the folks on the other side.
I thought they forgot to set it off
and then it just took off.
- I don't know what happened.
- I don't either.
- All I know is he almost made it.
- He's a hero.
We're here in England
with Mat Hoffman
and he's about to jump
the English Channel into Germany.
Good luck, Mat.
That was fucking great.
What was so great about that?
He didn't even go to Germany.
Oh, my God.
It's a lovely day for a swim
in the Gulf of Mexico.
I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fish Hook.
Oh, man, that's gone through. I got you.
- Oh, dude.
- We got it? We're good?
That hurt to do that to you.
Yeah, it looks great.
- Oh, my God.
- All right, cast me out, God damn it.
Now it's time for some man-fishing.
- The hammerhead's right there.
- Oh, my God.
Thank God we brought Manny
to make sure sharks would show up.
He's coming to get you, Steve-O.
Act like a sick or wounded animal.
Look at that fin right behind him.
Dude, isn't this movie
supposed to be a comedy?
I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks
with Steve-O as my bait.
It's like a dream come true.
Oh, my God.
- Here comes a mako!
- Oh, shit! Steve-O!
Oh, my God.
He's right behind you, Steve-O.
- I am the fuck out of here.
- No, you're good, man.
Stay in there.
The shark's coming right at you!
Oh, shit.
- Come on, stay out there, O!
- You already got the fucking shot!
I want to hear Manny scream.
Dude, I fucking kicked the thing
in the fucking head!
Get up here.
Steve-O, do you know
how lucky you are?
A mako almost bit your foot off.
I've been so lucky today.
You are lucky.
Fuck, that hurts. Damn it.
Thank you so much, God.
You bastard.
This is champion card-thrower
Jim Karol.
He's come to throw cards
into Wee Man's ass.
What Wee Man doesn't realize is that
he'll be sitting on the Electric Stool.
God, I hate picking on Wee Man.
- Wee Man, I'd say you're up.
- Jump up on the stool.
All right, on three
I'm gonna whip it at you.
You might feel it a little bit, all right?
- On three. Ready?
- Don't worry about it.
Fuck! That fucking...
Did it hit a nerve?
- Dude, it hit, like, right in there.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I threw it too hard.
Try one more. It didn't stick.
He's going to get it to stick.
On three. One,
I don't fucking like that, dude.
No, I don't fucking like that, dude.
That fucking hurts, dude.
Tell the camera
exactly what's happening.
All right, every time this dude
throws a fucking card in my ass,
it fucking jolts me, so I jump off.
I'm not going to fucking sit there.
- Let me do a pickup shot.
- No.
The pickup shot is,
you pinch the card in your butt.
- Just stick it in there so it's sticking out.
- All right.
- Okay, go.
- One, two, three.
It's still in there.
- Jump back up.
- Do you want me to lift you on there?
- Wait...
- Okay, fuckers!
No, there's a machine in here
fucking doing it,
you fucking fuckers.
Where's the fucking
card-throwing machine?
Where's the fucking
card-throwing machine, dude?
Show him what it is.
Show him what's funny.
Oh, the fucking chair's rigged!
Oh, my God.
There's a card-throwing machine
in here, dude.
Dude, Wee Man, I would never use
a card-throwing machine on you.
That couldn't have gone any better.
I didn't know that
Knoxville could do back flips.
It was, like, a front flip.
- Where do yaks come from?
- That's from Siberia.
So that's why Eskimos
don't have rodeos.
Tell me about your
original drawing for this.
See, when I come up with my ideas,
I don't write them down.
I just draw a picture
and fax it to Los Angeles.
I just drew a picture of a fat-ass
and a little guy
with a bungee cord connected.
Jason, how do you compare this
kind of athleticism to what you guys do?
You guys are
a hell of a lot more athletic than us
and a lot crazier, too.
Dude, look how nervous he is.
We're here in Miami Beach
with Jason Taylor
and this is the Bungee Jump.
- Are you ready, Preston?
- Just go! Just go!
Three, two, one...
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Oh, my God.
- Preston.
- That worked perfect.
- Did I yank you?
- Oh, fuck, yeah.
Okay, I went down, I'm upside-down,
I see Preston coming.
Once he was past me,
he pulled me down more.
- So, like, I slammed the water.
- Oh, you were above the water?
Yeah, I felt the full pressure
of the bungee.
That was intense. Really intense.
Well, not really intense,
but pretty intense.
- What's your name again?
- What? Irving.
- Irving, yeah.
- Irving Zisman.
Hey, can we get some fries, please?
Some time today.
There you go. Take a sip.
That'll put lead in your pencil, kid.
You got a light?
Hey, little guy, is that a real cigarette?
- Piss off, man.
- Is it?
He said, "Piss off!"
Here, Gramps.
Thank you.
Don't hog it all, you little prick.
Give me that.
- This is LA.
- What?
- This is LA.
- Yeah?
- Don't do what?
- We don't drink out in public.
- You don't drink out in public?
- No.
- Well, maybe you should start, bub.
- Yeah. Where are you guys from?
- We're from your face.
- Yeah?
- Mind your own business, asshole.
- What?
I said,
"Mind your own business, asshole."
- Okay, you'd better be quiet, buddy.
- What are you gonna do?
- You wanna step outside?
- We're already outside, numbnuts.
He asked me if I wanted to step outside.
- You are from LA, ain't you, boy?
- Do you want to go around the block?
Yeah, we'll go around the block.
We'll go around the block
and see your mother.
This is bullshit.
We're surrounded by cocksuckers.
All right, kid.
It's time for Grandpa's massage.
You get massages
with happy endings?
That's right.
- Say goodbye to the hippies.
- Bye, hippies.
- Don't get beat up out here.
- "Beat up out here"?
I don't have to worry about that in LA.
Not with you skinny sons of bitches.
Okay, Old Man River.
Watch your mouth.
I hear a lot of talking.
You're letting that bulldog mouth
overload that puppy-dog ass.
Look at him. Look how tough he is.
You allow your nine-year-old son
to drink?
- It's my grandson.
- I don't give a fuck.
Wow, now you swear in front of him?
What kind of role model are you?
What kind of role model are you?
Get the fuck out of here
and go back to Mississippi.
Step over this line.
Just step over that line.
- Oh! You stepped over the line!
- I didn't step over a line.
You stepped over the line.
That long hair
don't cover that red neck, boy.
Piss off!
- Let's go.
- Go crawl back in your mama's ass!
What the fuck is that?
What the hell is that?
We're sledding.
- Bam, what the hell are you doing?
- We're sledding.
- Give me a ten!
- What about my floor?
- How's your belly feeling, dude?
- I'm just a diarrhea machine.
- Is it like a baby? Is it kicking?
- It's very similar to a baby.
- Is it kicking?
- No, come on! No.
Seriously, I'm not joking. Seriously.
Are you gonna shit?
Wouldn't you feel better?
We have a whole wardrobe van.
I don't want a new wardrobe.
I just wanna not shit my pants.
So, the boys think they're
arriving in a limo for a photo shoot,
but little do they know,
we have a shitload of bees
we're going to put through the sun roof.
And we rigged the locks
so they can't get out.
And when they do get out,
we got a couple of marbles for them.
This is the Beehive Limo.
Last movie, you shit in a damn van
and now you get to shit in a limo.
Yeah, you're stepping it up.
You're stepping it up, dude.
Oh, this isn't good.
Dude, close that fucking sun roof, dude!
Fuck! Fuck! We're locked in!
Oh, my God, that sucks!
They're fucking stinging my legs!
Get the fuck off of me, dude!
You're getting them over here.
You guys are fucking dicks, man. Fuck.
They're on my feet!
The poor driver's running around,
freaking out.
That's so good.
Sorry, bros.
I pissed myself.
One just got me, right now,
as we speak. Look at that.
- That was real funny, fuckers.
- Is there even a photo shoot?
We're here with the Three 6 Mafia,
and it's time for the Rake Jump.
Do it!
What an idiot.
I'm going to pay this motherfucker
right here 200 smackeroos,
it's not counterfeit, it's real,
to eat horse shit.
But it's all furry, though.
- Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!
- Go! Go! Go! Go!
Really eat it, though.
Chew, chew, chew!
Swallow it!
- Put your shades up!
- Hold the 200.
- Come on, soldier!
- Don't even think about not swallowing.
It's so dry!
Don't even think about it!
- Swallow it!
- Don't you even think about it.
Don't you even think about it.
- He ain't soft!
- Swallow it! Swallow it, nigga!
Give him a beer, give him a beer.
Give it to him, give it to him!
Really eat it, though.
- I'm watching you.
- Yes, sir.
Here, man.
Dude, your breath smells like shit!
We're here with Daniel Alvarez
from ALS Technologies and...
Why don't you explain what this is
and what we're gonna be doing?
Well, this is the 460 Stingmore Mine.
It has approximately 700
.45-caliber rubber balls in it.
They'll fly out of there
at about 500 feet per second.
They use these charges
on the outside of embassies
to protect the gates
from people trying to break in.
- Looks like it's gonna suck.
- It is. I promise.
Fire in the hole.
- Fuck that, dude.
- Fucking Christ!
That is great!
I'm about to, like,
have an anxiety attack.
I just can't do this one.
It's just too gnarly.
Dude, Knoxville is...
If Knoxville goes in there, dude,
I'll French kiss him.
- Are you insane?
- No. All you got to do is stand there.
Yeah, and get killed. Look at that thing.
That thing blew the hell up.
It's just loud. It's loud. It's going to hurt
really bad, but it's just loud.
You're nuts.
- No, no, no. Come on. It's footage.
- You're nuts.
Son of a... Fuck you.
Holy shit!
All you guys are fucking assholes.
- You all right, Bam?
- You all right?
My God.
- Are you crying?
- I think he's hurt.
Can we give Bam some water?
Maybe a Shirley Temple.
I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder
and I'm getting shot.
They all went for my stomach.
I got hit in the legs worse.
Those... Did any get me in the face?
You got hit in the stomach pretty good.
- That was great.
- That was.
- Thanks, fellows.
- Yeah. Appreciate it.
Hey, is this okay?
Then we're good.
Do you like painting models?
Yeah, but I don't need models
for this type of work.
- It looks very vaginal and feminine.
- Well, thank you.
- And sexual.
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you. It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
It's time to play a game
with a bunch of these medicine balls.
And they're heavy as shit.
It's on!
- This is Medicine Ball Dodgeball.
- In the dark.
Can't see anything.
- What did you think?
- That was fun. Let's never do that again.
Three, two, one!
Who'd want to do that?
You're not doing that.
- Who's going first?
- What rhymes with Dunn?
- Ready, sailor?
- No.
- This is dumb.
- This is going to be dope.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.
Get me out of this!
You're a fucking dick.
That was mean.
He needs help.
That was so mean.
You are an asshole.
That was totally not me.
I had nothing to do with it.
You pulled it down!
I didn't!
Oh, my God, my hip. I think I gave birth.
Hi, I'm John Waters,
and this is the Magic Trick.
We're gonna make Wee Man disappear.
Where'd he go?
Very nice.
That's great.
You're the best magician ever, John.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm here with Mat Hoffman
and Tony Hawk
and this is the Gauntlet.
I just gave him a chest pass!
Open the windows!
This is the Toro Totter.
It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam
and the last man on the teeter-totter
is the winner.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
Oh, yes!
What did I do?
What did I do?
Dunn, stay there!
So why did I agree to do this one?
Ryan, run! Ryan, run!
My God.
Bam, where are you going?
I am not doing that.
Fuck that.
Down to two!
I got hit in the back good.
Hey, Knoxville. Oh, shit!
God damn it. Fucking shit. Fuck.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Hold on.
What do you mean, "Hold on"?
The bull's not going to hold on.
Oh, my fucking leg!
God damn, these bulls are strong.
Oh, God.
I'm not out!
Oh, my God.
I'm still not out!
All right, that's it. That's it.
Oh, my God.
Keep God out of California!
Tell Charlie Daniels
to write a song about this!
God is out! He can have the other 48.
Or 49, whatever.
God, I landed straight on my head.
Oh, man, that hurt.
Dude, I'm fucked.
I'm Steve-O and sorry, Dad,
but nobody's going to miss this
for the world.
This is the Butt Chug.
Oh, no.
- I'll hold this while you bulldog it.
- Get it in there.
- Ram it in there.
- It's really got to get in there.
- Open wide!
- Oh, my God.
Take it.
Just relax. Relax. Yeah, do your little...
I'm staring right down Main Street.
It's not looking any good at all.
You're starting to enjoy that, aren't you?
- Oh, shit.
- There it goes! There it goes!
- Keep it going.
- There we go.
Chug, chug it!
- Take it all!
- Oh, yeah!
- Take it.
- I think your asshole's prehensile.
You got it! You got it!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
You got this! Keep on going!
Come on, you've almost got it!
Two more sips left.
- Oh, my God.
- Give me a profile, Steve.
He's peeing like a girl!
Steve-O, if your asshole
can't see the camera,
then the camera can't see your asshole.
- The camera's over here!
- Right there, right there, right there.
Look at Lance!
Lance can't stop laughing.
He's doesn't know how to face
the cameras when he's peeing.
Oh, my God.
- I think we broke Lance.
- I know.
I think I still have beer in my ass,
but I can't get it out.
Use the bottle.
Put the bottle up your ass.
- Use the plunger!
- Yeah, plunge his asshole.
You'd better shit piss, asswipe!
All right, let's go to the bar.
I'm Ryan Dunn,
and this is the Rocket Cart.
Five, four, three, two, one...
- I think I broke my tailbone.
- Really? On the water?
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.
Oh, fuck!
I have on a cup and that still hurts.
Anacondas are expert at camouflage.
They're ambush hunters.
- So, what does that mean?
- They surprise you.
I don't know
if I'm gonna be that surprised.
You guys got to catch these guys, man.
They tried to kill J-Lo and Ice Cube.
Yeah, I know. I know.
- Something in your mike?
- Don't fucking push me.
I'm on your team.
You got him.
Get the other camera.
Grab him.
Oh, man.
- Dude, he is bleeding a lot.
- Yeah.
He's starting to smell you guys.
Dude, you guys are doing excellent.
Real good. You guys got it.
Get him. You got him.
Got him! You guys got him.
Oh, no, Dunn's getting coiled. Oh, shit.
Get your fucking hands off me!
You guys have been doing good.
- Where'd his head go?
- He's buried.
- You got him!
- Yeah!
- I have seized the snake.
- Yeah.
It's fucking wrapped around my arm.
Just take him to Manny.
Take him to Manny.
Hey, Manny, come here a minute.
I got him.
Oh, my God, you got nailed.
I didn't do anything. He did all the work.
All right. We seized the snake.
Run, Ryan, run.
Oh, shit.
We forgot about the other snake.
This is the Ice Horse.
See if your balls will stick to the horse.
- Come on!
- You want me to do it?
For the bros.
It's for the bros. Come on.
- It's not gonna stick.
- Yeah, it can stick.
You just need a little water.
Anybody got some water?
- Great.
- Thanks!
Don't think about it. Just do it.
You are assholes.
God, your legs are white.
Here. You've got to really
get the water on the balls.
Oh, that's horrible-looking!
It's yanking my hair!
Are you done?
- What an ass!
- Oh, my God!
It ripped my skin off.
Look at the blister.
Look at him gallop.
Hey! There's poop, hair and more poop!
I'm Wee Man,
and this is the Swamp Chute.
Holy shit, dude. You all right?
What? I can't hear, kind of.
"I can't hear, kind of"!
You skipped across the water
like a rock.
Dude, you were at least
an 80-mile-an-hour fastball.
Oh, my God.
When you step into this suit,
magic happens.
Today, we're in Carmen de Arrico
with our friend Serg,
and he is going to show us
how to milk a horse.
The way we're gonna do that is,
they're gonna bring over a stallion
who's gonna be hot to trot.
And they're gonna have the mare here.
And as soon as the stallion
mounts the mare,
we're going to grab the stallion's penis
and put it into this fake horse vagina.
The old switcheroo.
What a mean trick.
- Here we go.
- Here comes the stallion.
He's got the craziest look in his eye.
I've seen that same look
in your eye, Pontius.
It's game on, guys.
Oh, boy. Here we go. Here we go.
Oh, boy.
Okay. We got the penis
into the fake horsy vagina.
I think I feel the tip of it.
Somebody cradle the balls.
He lasts longer than you, Steve-O.
- Oh, my God.
- He just pleasured a horse.
Is it okay to drink?
No problem.
If I do this, this gives me an out
for something bad
I'm going to do in the future.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
- All right. It's on video.
- Okay.
That is such a huge load.
I don't know, man.
I could have pictured...
Can you test that out?
That's semen, all right.
I never puke, ever,
and I really almost puked then.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I really am.
I'm completely ashamed of myself.
- Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?
You're not going to
break through, anyway.
Pontius, you think
you can do two boards?
What's Bruce Lee do?
That power-breathing.
I think I got it.
Oh, my God!
I was so not ready for that!
We're at the Widowmaker
and this is the Big Tire Race.
- I can't get in this thing.
- Yes, you can.
I guarantee you're getting in it.
Oh, crap.
- On your mark!
- Fuck!
Get set! Go!
- You are fucked.
- Oh, shit!
I'm stuck in here!
We got you, buddy.
I hate that. I hate it so bad!
Fucking sucky.
- Why do you hate it?
- I'm bouncing in my fucking head.
- You got it, Ehren.
- Here, Ehren.
- Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass.
- You got to help!
Oh, fuck!
We're here in India
and we found a leech healer
and these boys need a little healing.
- Doc, can you help us?
- Yeah, why not?
That sounds good.
Let's put one on Dave's nut.
Well, don't hand it to me.
All right, gentlemen.
That's the biggest leech I ever saw.
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my God.
- My God.
He's on. He's on.
He's on. He's on.
Fuck! Shit!
You got to leave it on for a while.
Fuck this.
You got to leave it on.
You got to let...
Fucking shit.
Please, take it off me.
- Please, will you take it off me?
- All right, I'm gonna take it off!
- Don't worry about a thing.
- Take it off.
- Just get it off me.
- This is gonna be so funny.
Just get it the fuck off me.
Wait, let's see what you got.
Fuck you!
And now for the grand finale,
the leech monocle.
Thanks, Doc.
- Jesus Christ.
- Look over here. Look over here.
Okay, this is the mouth.
Here we go.
Get him on there.
Come on, leech.
Oh, he's eyeballing you.
I think we'd...
He's on my eyeball!
No, wait, wait!
Okay, stand up and keep your eye open.
Keep your eye open.
Keep your eye open, Steve-O!
Steve-O, keep your eye open! Open!
Open! Open, toward... No!
Relax. Relax.
Does it look cool?
Yeah. It got you about right there.
I just had a leech chomp my eyeball.
Way to go.
Are these all for sale today?
Yeah. $5.
Oh, why, they're beautiful shirts.
They're beautiful colors.
This one's really nice.
- Do you think that...
- Oh, shit.
I'd like to buy, maybe, the one...
Hey, your titty out.
- What's that?
- He said your shirt is open.
Put this shirt on?
No, your shirt...
Your thing is hanging out of your
shirt, ma'am. What are you doing?
Put your shirt back on.
Which one was the one you thought
I should get?
Leave me alone!
Bam is absolutely terrified of snakes,
so we brought David Weathers here
to surprise him during the next bit.
King cobra.
Oh, my God.
It's cool. It's been de-venomized.
I'm Bam Margera
and this is the Wind Tunnel.
Oh, my God. What?
Bam, cock out. Cock out.
No, no, no! No, no!
A fucking cobra, dude?
Yo, yo, yo, I don't like him
staring like that.
Oh, dude, you guys
are fucking such total dickheads.
- Are you crying?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
He's on to you.
I'm done.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Dave, Dave!
Yo, that is coolest shit
I've seen in long time.
White boy don't like snakes.
What's your strategy up there?
My strategy is staying up on the fucking
van because I don't trust anybody.
I should have thought about it more,
but I was sipping on beer.
I was like, "Why the fuck is snake dude
in Louisiana?"
Then I do my bit
and then all of a sudden
a king cobra comes
into the fucking thing.
I'm like... Dude, I'm staying up here.
You fuckers are asses.
I don't trust anybody.
And you made me waste my beer.
- Fucking hell.
- Fuck this.
I'm Steve-O, and this is the Fart Mask.
I took a fucking shit in it!
There's shit in there.
I got a shitty ass. I got to go wipe it out.
That's like, the perfect poop.
I'm Dave England
and this is my big, green ball.
I need you to put baby powder
in my butt hole.
You need me to put...
- Put a lot in there.
- Yeah, yeah. That's great.
Who was that?
Did it go "poof"?
Did it go "poof"?
It did?
Oh, sorry.
Do you have these in size 11?
Let me just see.
These are good.
- Sir!
- Leave me alone!
You come on in here.
You go that way. I don't care, dude.
He's a frisky little bugger!
I am so sorry!
Oh, my God!
It reminded me of my ex-wife!
It's the middle of the night.
We're gonna wake up Phil
and swap him with Preston,
and Ape's gonna lose her mind.
This is the Switcheroo.
It's all right.
Don't be afraid to get frisky.
I'm gonna kill you in a minute.
Phil, back up.
Back up!
Back up.
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Are you all right? Jesus Christ.
Are you...
Are you...
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- What?
- What?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Who is that? Who is that?
Who is that?
That's not your dad. Who is that?
Who is that? Where's the light?
- How you doing, ma'am?
- What? Who?
I went to get a drink. What's going on?
Oh, my God!
Man, I just felt like
I was committing assault.
Phil, he copped a feel.
He got away with it, then.
Have you ever been
with another man before?
Did he feel fatter?
Did he feel fatter?
You can answer. I won't be mad.
I just assaulted you!
You can say whatever you want!
No, you felt shorter.
- No, you can say anything you want.
- You felt that part?
That's it. I'm going to bed now.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, shit.
What was that shit?
It's fucking in my eyes.
What the fuck was that?
Oh, my...
I fucking don't understand.
What the fuck did you do to me?
What the fuck was that?
That fucked me up, man.
Let's go inside, man.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, fuck, dude.
Let's get inside. We got a medic inside.
It's moments like these when you know
Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.
I'm so glad
I'm not the star of this movie.
Knoxville's gonna see
what the moon's gonna look like.
He is gonna go definitely 60 feet up
in the air.
He's gonna get annihilated.
But I don't wanna tell him that.
You're gonna be just fine!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is my Big Red Rocket.
Five, four, three, two, one...
What the fuck was that?
Holy shit!
Oh, my God, he almost died
and he's dancing.
Usually, rockets fail backwards
and forwards, I was told,
but there was a rocket
that came out the side.
If it had been, like, right here,
that would have been a picture wrap
on old Knoxville.
And now we're trying it again.
It's rocket launch, take two.
I'm scared just watching.
- I want a Lance helmet.
- I have full, like, adrenaline.
Even if the rocket doesn't blow up
on me this time,
there's really not a lot of great ways
for it to end, anyway.
- This isn't the best idea ever.
- Yes, it is.
I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and I'm going to the moon!
Five, four, three, two, one...
Are you okay?
Give us a thumbs-up!
So what's going on, Preston?
What are we doing today?
We're playing a prank on Danger Ehren.
I think that we're gonna
decorate him up like a terrorist,
with full makeup and wardrobe,
and him and Dimitry
are gonna call a cab,
the idea being to play a prank
on the taxi driver,
that they wanna go to the airport,
I guess to commit
some sort of terrorist act.
- So, Ehren, where are you going?
- Yeah, where are you going?
I'm going to Burbank Airport.
And, meanwhile, we've substituted
the taxi driver with Jay Chandrasekhar...
And he is going to punch Ehren in
the face and possibly pull a gun on him.
If he tries to say we're filming,
just go, "Don't talk to me anymore!"
And slap him like this.
You can slap him a lot, too.
I don't know how he'll handle this.
It's pretty high-pressure.
And I don't think
he does well under pressure.
All right, so here I am
trying to contribute
to Ehren McGhehey's new beard.
And I hope he knows that I skipped
showering for about a week and a half
just to make this a little bit more gross.
Sorry, Ehren.
Look at the mane on him!
Someone's got to pick that
out of their teeth.
I'd be so bummed
if I was Ehren right now.
You, like, put powder in there?
Yeah, I put a little Gold Bond on
this morning.
One of the most toxic concoctions
known to man.
It's a disease nest.
Mine, you don't need a lot of.
It's like just a little bit of
rattlesnake venom will get you.
Is that the whole patch?
Wait, I'm just wondering.
Mike, is that a crab?
- What's that white speck on top?
- What is that?
That's a crab.
Mike's got crabs.
Hey, guys! Guys! Mike's got crabs!
What's that?
This? Spirit gum. It's like, the adhesive
that's gonna keep the beard on.
How's the dialog? I mean,
I've never, like, done this before.
- It's a game, you know.
- Compliment him, followed by an insult.
- This is fucked, dude.
- Just don't break the character.
All right, Ehren, the main thing,
you cannot tell him you're
from any country in particular.
This is such a good bit.
It's muffed up, but it's great.
Close your mouth. Relax.
We're making you look like
what we think this guy
expects a terrorist to look like.
You're not making fun of anybody.
We're just trying to scare the cab driver.
I kind of already know that.
Father. Hello, Father.
You shut up.
I told you to come here earlier.
- I'm sorry, Father.
- You are late. You cannot be accepted.
I have disgraced you.
Where have you been,
you little bastard?
- I have been making a number two.
- Oh.
Ehren, you are king.
Thank you very much.
What are you laughing at?
You people, you.
Bam Margera and shit.
Look how sweet the beard is, Jeff.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
I look creepy, man.
I wish that I was born this way.
You sound like schtick now.
Don't turn it into a comedy routine.
No, very good. I know what to do now.
No, I think there's gonna be some...
So, we have two cameras following...
Excuse me.
I'd like to say, for not ever having
done makeup before your disguise,
I feel pretty...
Like I've achieved something.
I feel like I'm eating pubes right now.
I got this shit all in my mouth.
- Is it on the corner?
- Yes, it's like I'm chewing on this shit.
- Is this real hair?
- No. Go like this.
I'm going to get it out of your mouth.
Okay. Does that feel better?
Well, I still got it
on the back of my tongue.
There. Out?
Yeah, very good.
- Very expert.
- Thank you.
Hello, my name is Ehren McGhehey
and this is Terror Taxi.
Now I shall call to taxi.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the best skit of this movie.
The cab's here. We're on. We're on.
Let's do it.
- He has no clue.
- I don't want the makeup to bleed.
- We get to listen the whole time?
- I'm so glad I hopped in this van.
Oh, my God.
He's feeling the part so hard
and he has no clue.
It's all downhill from here.
To the Burbank Airport, please.
- Where are you guys from?
- It's none of your business, I'm sorry.
You got any luggage or...
No, no luggage where we going.
I do not like this country
very much, though.
I like the countryside, though.
The countryside is good.
And the breasts.
Yeah, I'm married.
What size is your wife's breasts?
Yeah, well, let's just leave my wife
out of it, okay?
Very good, very good.
Are they bigger than a D?
I love Ds.
Do you want me to fucking pull over?
I mean, is that the fuck...
No. I'm very sorry. I will not talk.
There's an airplane, there!
We are very, very close.
Boom! We are very, very close.
What does that mean, "Boom"?
Boom! Like, "Boom! Kaboom!"
And all that.
There is the airport back there.
Which way are you going?
Where you going? Where are
you going? Where are you going?
Where are you going, man?
Where are you going?
Do not go down the alleyway.
Very scary. Stop it! Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
You are a crazy man. Fuck you up!
Fuck you! Asshole!
Shit fucker! Shit fucker! Asshole!
Fucking money, I give you money,
lots of money!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
I'll blow us up right now!
Right now! Right now I'll blow you up!
What the fuck is up, man?
What the fuck is going on?
He's got a fucking gun, man.
What the fuck is going on?
He's got a fucking gun, man.
I got a bomb, dude!
Fuck you! I got a fucking bomb, dude!
Dude, get the fuck off of me!
Get the fuck off me!
Get the fuck off of me!
We're just filming a skit!
Get the fuck off of me!
- What do you want me to do?
- Get on the floor.
- What do you want me to do?
- Get on the fucking floor.
Just get on the floor, dude.
Lay down.
This is fucked.
Lay down on your face.
What the fuck, dude? I mean, come on!
I fucking knew it, dude. He fucking
carries a gun. This is bullshit.
Just do what he says.
Just do what the fuck he says, dude.
Stay there.
I'm gonna fucking call the cops.
This guy's got a fucking gun, dumbshits!
Come on! Get the fuck out here!
Don't fucking move!
Don't point the gun at me anymore,
you piece of shit!
Then lay down!
- Fuck!
- Just fucking relax, dude.
Fuck, it's a gun, dude.
- What the fuck do you want from us?
- Get up!
Get up, Ehren. Get the fuck up.
Why? Why should I get up?
You have me on the fucking ground.
Ehren, he has a fucking gun.
Just get the fuck up, dude.
We gotta get the fuck out of here.
- Get in there.
- No, fuck you.
- Just do what he says, dude.
- Get the fuck in the trunk.
He's got a fucking gun pointed at me,
fuckface, asshole, cocksucker!
- Get in the fucking trunk!
- Dude, get in the trunk.
If you fuck me up, I will fucking find you,
somehow, or something.
- Just get in.
- Seriously.
Why am I getting in the fucking back
of this fucking cab, dude?
- He's got a fucking gun!
- Get the fuck back here!
Dude, just fucking put the gun down!
You shut the fuck up!
- Oh fuck, dude!
- Holy shit!
- What the fuck, dude?
- Get the fuck on the ground!
I'm fucking serious!
I'm bleeding.
No, no! Dude, we're filming.
- Fuck you! Get the fuck out of here!
- No, we're fucking filming!
That's Bam Margera, dumbshit!
He's famous!
Look, there's cameras,
there's a sound guy.
We're filming a fucking movie, dude.
This guy's got a dynamite vest on!
Hey, put the gun down, dude!
What the fuck?
He shot me!
Preston, you fucking idiot!
Get me the fuck out of here!
- Fuck this!
- Please, sir! Please, sir!
- Fuck! Fuck!
- Sir, please!
- Please! Stop!
- Sir, please!
What the fuck?
Dude, get me out of here!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, God, no!
Oh, fuck. I'm going to fucking die.
Why the fuck did I agree to do this shit?
Dude, it wasn't even my fucking idea.
Fucking fuck.
Oh, my God, dude.
I can't believe that shit, dude.
What the fuck, are you an actor
or some bullshit?
- Come on.
- Fucking crap, dude!
I almost shit my pants.
I'm not even kidding.
Dude, that was so awesome.
Oh, God, dude, I'm so happy
right now. Seriously.
Oh, my God. I was so worried.
I get it. It's a prank on a prank, yeah.
He fucking pulled out
a gun on me, dude.
Look where your beard came from.
Look, look! I'll show you!
Look at my patch!
Look! That's all our pubes.
You should try and get that off.
Oh, my God, dude, that sucks.
Every time it gets
fucking worse and worse.
You guys didn't fucking superglue that,
did you?
That sucks! I told you not to do that!
Ehren, come on!
Why are you getting mad at me?
I got your dick hair all over
my fucking face!
This sucks, dude!
Give me something to get this shit off.
This shit was in my mouth!
How are you going to explain
crabs on your face?
This shit was all over my fucking mouth!
It wasn't from my dick.
Some of it was from my ass.
Oh, God, this is so bad.
Look at this. This is from Derek.
"Okay, who brought crabs to the party?
Fuck me."
One of the guys had crabs!
Seriously, like,
was the dick hair necessary?
Like, was that the big payoff?
Like, "Ha, ha,
dick hairs glued on his face"?
- Is it itching?
- It's in my mouth.
Why'd you put it in your mouth?
I'm Johnny Knoxville
and this is the Bear Trap.
The best of times is now
What's left of summer but a faded rose?
The best of times is now
As for tomorrow, well
who knows, who knows, who knows
Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!
The best of times is now
What's left of summer but a faded rose?
The best of times is now
As for tomorrow, well
who knows, who knows, who knows
So hold this moment fast
And live and love
as hard as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now
Is now, is now
Not some forgotten yesterday
Now, tomorrow is too far away
So hold this moment fast
And live and love
as hard as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now
is now, is now
So hold this moment fast
And live and love as hard
as you know how
And make this moment last
Because the best of times is now
is now, is now
Is now
Is now
I'll Jackass Two your ass.
Do me a favor.
And you wonder why I drink?
I drink to steady my nerves.
I was so steady,
I couldn't move last week!
I had vodka and prune juice.
It's called a piledriver.
I'll be okay.
Please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.
Please, please, God, don't let there
be a Jackass Three.
I don't even like doing Two.
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to India!
Can I get off his dick...
Way to go.
I don't like this at all!
Sorry, bro. I didn't see you there.
I was headed over to Produce.
You knocked out my tooth again!
Look at Rick!
He fucking swallowed it?
Horse cum!
I'm not getting paid to be on camera,
you fucking dick.
That was great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what have you got?
Don't drop your shit.
Just act like it hurts, okay?
Wow. I actually feel energized after that.
Oh my God, look!
Point it at the cameraman!
Into the sink!
In the sink!
- In the sink!
- In the sink!
- Are you lubed up?
- Yeah!
Hey, they're ready to go.
Do you want to shoot it?
You all right, buddy?
I'm all right, man.
Water-based lubricants. Friend or foe?
You be the judge.
Okay, I can't breathe.
Can you take it off, please?
- Oh, is this your fruit?
- No.
Oh, these are beautiful!
They're so round and lush.
- How much is the oranges?
- $6.
I accidentally cut myself.
I need a doctor, dude.
- We're supposed to catch these?
- Yeah!
You are fucking kidding!
Oh, my God!
Don't do that.
The snake is attracted to the heat.
Yeah, we got to get the mousey warm
for the snake.
But not too warm!
- Look at his face.
- He has a big raspberry.
A couple of them.
What the fuck happened?
- Medic!
- Medic!
Someone said cut.
What's up, Bam?
I hate the fact that I had to fucking
hang out with alligators
and fucking cobras.
I have dicks branded on my ass...
Everything fucking sucks.
Like, everybody's
just f-ing with me today.
And my Misfits sock.
It's not even funny anymore.
I want to go home.