Jackass 3D (2010)

Good evening. I'm Butt-head.
The movie you are about to see
will be presented using
special 3D technology.
You will see the Jackasses
like no human being
has ever seen them before.
In three dimensions.
In order to experience
this new dimension,
you must put on the special glasses
that you were given in the lobby.
This is gonna be cool.
Doesn't really
look any different, Butt-head.
Whoa! Hey, Beavis,
look at my hand.
Its in 3D.
Really? I don't see...
That's amazing!
It felt like you really hit me!
It's almost like your hand really...
Wow! it's amazing technology!
Wait a second.
So sit back and enjoy the movie.
That was definitely 2D.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville!
Welcome to Jackass.
My name is Johnny Knoxville,
and this is the High Five.
Oh, my goodness. Good morning!
There? All right.
- Fuck.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, Dunn. What up, brother?
- What's up, nerd?
- Whassup, dude?
- What's up, nerds?
Dude, you played it off so good.
He said, "What's up, Dunn?"
Reset, reset.
Ehren's walking in,
and we're gonna have him bring
in a whole tray full of soup.
- How you doing, guys?
- Pop it in there.
- He's not gonna do it.
- What?
I don't think he's gonna go for it.
- What up, Ehren?
- What's up, dude?
Help us crowd, brother.
He fell for it!
He fell for the soup!
Welcome back, ladies. You got me.
Oh, my God!
Look at the tray!
He broke it in half, dude!
- You can hug me for that.
- The tray broke.
I can't believe he fell for it.
"Can you bring the soup in?"
"We need you to bring this
tray of soup into the kitchen."
This is all flour
for our friend, Barn.
We're gonna antique him
when he gets here.
- Oh, OK.
- He's walking in.
- What's up?
- What up?
Not much. How you been?
High five!
That was the best one so far!
- Oh, my God!
- You guys done kicked my fucking ass.
He got antiqued!
- I was so not ready for that.
- That was so good! You went flying.
- Good morning, man.
- Morning, Barn!
Howdy. Goddamn!
Not too many people knew us
back in our college days,
but, man, we were wild!
I mean, we were having
wet T-shirt contests,
bitchin' summers, body shots...
And Johnny Knoxville,
the king of spring break!
Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!
I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is the Jet Ski.
Holy shit!
You just barely clipped the top.
He totally landed it.
- How far did I go?
- You went far, man.
I was scared, man.
I've seen a lot of crazy shit
during spring break,
and that took the cake, man.
I didn't exactly stick
the fuckin' landing.
- No. I think you did.
- Yeah, you did!
The king of spring break!
Shit. Dude, I knew
we shouldn't have done this
at my fuckin' dad's house.
He's already pissed about me
fuckin' skipping school.
He's gonna cut me off.
That's coming out of my allowance.
I'm Steve-O... Oh, fuck!
Why do I have to be Steve-O?
- it'll be so quick.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got it.
I'm Steve-O,
and this is Tee Ball.
That was a direct ding-ding hit.
It's only getting worse and worse.
You're the best fielder
I ever saw, Steve-O.
Great job.
Right down the middle.
Line drive.
I'm Dave England,
and this is the Bungee Boogie.
That was thrilling.
- What the fuck?
- Let's try it again!
Let go.
- You OK, dude?
- Yeah, super good.
- Ready?
- OK.
My lip.
- Here we go.
- Tell us when.
- Go ahead.
- Step... go!
That was actually pretty impressive.
I mean, it wasn't a slam,
but it was still pretty impressive.
But this is really impressive.
- Ready?
- This seems dangerous.
And go!
Fuck the helmet,
give me a back brace.
Man, you ate shit!
- Well, that worked.
- I thought you had that.
And go!
Hey! There goes the pool!
Preston. That was awesome.
...start to see me on TV...
How many bees
are we working with here today?
Each hive, probably anywhere
from ten to 50,000 bees.
They are Africanized, so they
will be a little bit more testy.
What do you think the chances are
of these guys getting stung today?
They're gonna get stung.
There's no doubt in my mind.
When you hit a ball full of bees,
you're gonna get stung.
How many bee stings
do you think we can take?
I think it takes about
a hundred to kill a man.
- What?!
- There's 50,000 bees in there.
Did you just make that up, please?
- I don't think I made it up.
- What?!
There's 50,000 per hive.
50,000 and it takes 100 to kill a man?
I think it's about a hundred bees
can kill you, if I'm not mistaken.
- What are we doing here?
- Making a hit movie.
Go for 99 and then take off.
That's gotta piss 'em off too, right,
-just being poured in there?
- Oh, maybe.
I'm starting to think that maybe
this wasn't that good of an idea.
It seemed good on paper.
Look at this.
This is gonna be gnarly now, man.
- Come on, go. Let's go.
- Whoa. No, I'm getting hit.
- Oh, shit.
- Come on, Manny.
Go on! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Fucking do it!
Got a butt-ton of bees!
My two sexy players,
this is Beehive Tetherball! Game on!
Game on!
Oh, fucking shit!
I can't do it anymore!
Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it!
Fuck! Oh, Shit!
He's gonna win!
- Steve-O!
- Fuck!
- Shit! Oh, fuck!
- Stay with Dave. Go with Dave.
Loomis, come retrieve the ball.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, dude, it fucking hurts!
Oh, my God! Oh, fuck!
Please put me somewhere
where there's no bees!
It's the carbon dioxide.
Your body heated up, so they targeted
you, you took it really good, man.
I am so fucking hurt!
You were running around
on carbon dioxide.
- Look at your eye.
- God, I gotta get rid of this.
The thing is that Dave
doesn't understand
is that the more you freak out,
the more you get stung.
That felt like somebody was
blowing a fireball in my face.
It looked like you were
just getting the hell beat out of you.
You can't fucking breathe.
Waiter? Can I get
some cream for my coffee?
That's the story
of Jackass right there.
Just pissing in the wind.
Hey, buddy, would you mind
watching my dog for a second
while I run in there?
Thanks. I'll be right back.
Thank you, buddy.
Thanks, bud.
Thank you very much
for watching my dog.
My name is Johnny Knoxville,
and this is Roller Buffalo.
You're the man!
We're not worthy.
Oh, man. Let me get over here.
- What'd it feel like?
- It felt like Shit.
It felt like I got run over
by a buffalo.
It's in my mouth!
Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
Ehren, stay here!
Think we need
to get him out from there?!
Let's get him!
Get it off of him.
- Ehren, stay out!
- All right!
Lance... Hold it together, Lance!
Pull out! OK, pull out! Pull out!
- Did I get the shot?
- You got the shot, dude.
So it went high and everything?
It was like a volcano?
You got a good three feet.
- Three foot?
- Yeah, that one had some power.
- It was like a full-on volcano?
- Absolutely.
Don't say anything.
- What would your flavors be?
- Two Budweisers.
What do I owe you?
Six-fifty, please.
- Keep the change.
- Thank you, dear.
- Cheers. Boop!
- Cheers.
So what's the status?
I don't know. Go down to the beach
or something... hit the water.
You tried it?
Tara! What the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck?!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who are you?
I'm her frickin' boyfriend, asshole!
That's cool, bud. I'm her man-friend.
Dude, don't push me. Don't push me.
I'm not even touching you.
You know, fuck both of you!
Fuck both of you!
Calm down now.
He and I are taking a break and...
Right in here.
Right in here.
Fuck you! I told you
to get the fuck away!
- Don't push him, man!
- Stop! Stop! Stop!
Get your ass down!
Keep your punk ass down,
you hunk of shit!
Get him, Pop! Get him, Poppy!
Get his ass down!
Get off of him! Stop!
Police! Get on the fucking ground!
Get on the ground!
Freeze! Everybody up against the wall!
- Up against the wall!
- Get the fuck off me!
What the fuck are you doing?!
Get him up. Get him up!
Freeze, motherfucker!
Get your hands behind your back!
- Let's go, babe!
- Fucking get off me!
Code 54! Paramedic! Paramedic!
Get the fuck off me!
Get him off me!
- Get the fuck off me!
- Shut up! Shut up!
Look at them two.
Big boy. Wait. He can walk?
What was that all that about?
What the hell was all that about?
I don't know! A bunch of midgets
come in here and start fighting!
-I don't know what happened.
- That was wild!
The cops came in!
I can't believe it.
Little miniature cops.
Here comes Dunn.
No fucking way, dude!
- Oh, my God.
- Is there blue on me?
I am so happy.
- There's a lot of blue.
- Dude, that thing goes!
Dude, the sound of it
is just fucking terrifying.
This sucks. Oh, man.
Its bark is worse than its bite, Ehren.
Due to prison overpopulation,
we're gonna give these boys
here a chance to escape.
This side represents incarceration,
that side, freedom.
This is Electric Avenue.
Each one of these
stun guns has 950,000 volts.
There's 15 of 'em hanging here, plus
four cattle prods. Good luck, fellas!
- Go, go, go!
- Fuck!
Fuck, I'm gonna pass out, man.
I'm gonna fucking pass out.
Come on, come on.
Go, go, go!
Fuck, that sucked!
Sucks doody!
- How do you feel?
-I changed my mind.
Stun guns are the number one
most thing that I hate now.
Bulls are second, snakes are third.
That sucked! Terribly.
I'm Preston Lacy here
with pro kicker Josh Brown,
and this is the Field Goal.
Wow, that was a good kick.
- Was that right in the puss?
- Right on the kisser:
Oh, fuck.
My mouth.
-I love you, buddy. Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
Pro football star Josh Brown.
I love you, buddy. Right here.
Fucking A!
- On the mouth.
- You're a man.
April, what kind of glue is this?
- Super Mighty Glue.
- This is Super Mighty Glue,
and we're going to have
a little fun with it today.
Who's got tummy hair?
Not me.
- You have tummy hair?
-I have a fraction.
- That's definitely tummy hair.
- That's tummy hair.
- You guys got tummy hair.
- Now we're talking.
Looks like we got cast for this bit.
- Don't get it on his fingers.
- You don't need a lot, they say.
A dab'll do ya.
Oh, Knoxville, Jesus!
No, I think this is gonna work.
All right. We ready?
Ready, then?
Oh, my God!
Now. Oh, my God!
Keep it on there. Keep it on.
Keep it on there.
Dude, it's gonna take my skin off.
You're gonna have hairy palms.
Wait. I kind of like it
when Preston says...
- it's not moving.
- What do you like Preston to say?
Get a little symphony going.
Dude, this is in.
Should they pull it?
We don't need any more time, dude.
It is in.
You got at least 15 grams of super glue.
- Pull it! Pull it!
- Really?
- Three, two, one...
- Skins coming, I know it. Go, Barn!
He's a werewolf!
That is mingin'-ass Phil's.
Preston's is pretty gross,
but that is disgusting!
No, don't pour that
on your boo-boo hand.
- It stings.
- That's gotta hurt.
Hey, Dunn. Do you have
any hair on your butt?
- No.
- Do you want some?
I'm thinking I'm about
due for a hairy ass, yeah.
I'm in my 30s, it hasn't
grown in natural yet.
So I think we're gonna
have to do a transplant.
Phil, can I borrow
some of your back hair?
Yeah, like having you
sit on my back?
I'm thinking about
becoming a real man.
Sure, I'll lay down
and you can sit on it.
- OK, Rake.
- You ready to go? Let's do it.
Ryan, do you shave your ass?
Shave my... Look at me!
Do I shave my ass?
I don't know
what a razor feels like.
Apparently, you don't know what
toilet paper feels like either.
- I don't!
- Make sure it's clean.
All right, go, go, go!
You gotta sit!
- Sit! Sit! Sit!
- Sit down.
Time it, two minutes
on the clock.
- Phil, you all right down there?
- Yeah.
- Consider this a bonding experience.
- Okay.
You got about 30 seconds.
Well, if I can't get
Phil's hair off of me,
then, you know, I'd really
rather prefer a ZZ Top beard.
Fucking asshole!
You dickhead!
- That's not gonna come off.
- No fucking shit!
That's not gonna come off.
It's going to come off.
it's going to come off.
You fucking, fucking pricks.
- Okay, Dunn, stand up.
- Dunn, you're up. Stand up.
Let's see if you got
some hair on your butt.
- Ready? Go.
- One, two...
- What the hell?
- Your butt looks 80 years old.
- Does it?
- Somebody should iron you.
- Look at Phil's back.
- Let me see.
Man, you're missing
a lot of hair in there.
But no doo-doo stains, right?
- No.
- Not so much.
All right, good.
Why'd you grip it like that?
Why you biting off of Preston's steez
by going...?
Wait a minute, hold
those scissors down.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
I have a free hand.
- Here, I'll be like this to catch him.
- All right, you catch him.
Ryan, do you want
your pants up, first?
Catch me. Catch Knox.
- Grab Barn.
- No, keep your pants down.
- I don't want my balls hanging out.
- Ready then? Three...
Man, this is gonna suck.
Three, two, go.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Fuck me, man.
What a bunch of dicks.
That's worse than Phil.
All right.
Wee Man, what are you doing?
You take the cake, bub.
You won't come out that easy.
Why don't you want to glue
Wee Man to Preston?
- Yes.
-I should lay down,
and you should lay down on top of me.
- Woof.
- Going right for it.
Like this?
- I think like this.
- No.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
-A 69.
- Glued into 69.
I think that's the best way.
Well, fucking lube him up
or lube me up!
- Let's go!
- Where's the glue?
- That's good.
- OK, OK, OK!
- Knoxville!
- Sorry.
We're really bros now.
You should see it from where I'm at.
Hold it. Two minutes!
Someone time it.
Two minutes is the longest
69 I've ever fuckin' done!
- How do you plan on un-69-ing?
-I have no fucking idea.
- I got an idea how to get him off.
- Slide them down the table, this way.
- No!
- What?
No, don't... Nicely.
Somebody go get me the stun gun.
Yeah! Go get it! Get the stun gun!
I'm pulling off!
I'm pulling off! No! No! No!
That's not fucking cool! No, no!
Look at my fucking nipple!
My fucking armpit kills!
Phil, pull it off.
- For real? Where, here?
- What's this from?
I can't. Let Ap do it.
- Yank it off.
- Ready, ready, ready...
Stop that.
I think that's it for Super Mighty Glue.
I think that's it for Super Mighty Glue.
Thank God none of us had that
foreskin you were talking about.
Does anyone have foreskin?
Anybody. Now's the time
to raise your hand.
Three, two, one, go!
Sorry. I hit my wrong button.
Give me my leg! Help!
Give me my leg!
That mutt's got my leg! Stop! Thief!
- Hey!
- Where you going?
Oh, God.
I went to the bathroom.
I have to change.
Run, run, run
run, run, run, run!
Run, run, run, run, run!
Hey, man.
What are you doing, man?
I messed myself. I messed myself.
- Can you help me?
- Hell, no. You going to clean it?
I'm cleaning it!
If you'll get off my case.
Hello. My name is Irving Zisman.
This is my grandson, Murray,
and today, we're
going to go buy a scooter.
Wow, what a lovely place.
Good selection.
- How you doing, sir?
- Good. I'm with my grandson.
- Oh, very nice.
- Yeah.
- How much does this cost?
- That's running about $2,000.
Two thousand?
What'd I do, break something?
My goodness.
What were you looking at
over there, Murray?
Just a couple of bikes down there.
Tell me a little bit
about this one here.
This is nice. I'll put it back.
- I'll be right back.
- OK.
Holy shit!
Fuck. Did I hit the wrong button?
What happened? Are you OK?
Sir, would you like me
to call the paramedics?
No, I'm fine!
- What happened?
- The old dude just took off.
Some guy just fuckin'
went through the thing.
How'd he come through here?
He came through here?
He went out that way.
How'd he go out that way?
I think he's all right.
Oh, my goodness.
Up yours!
I'm Pontius the Barbarian,
and now the day has come
to slay the foul beast,
the devil's brethren.
Come, beast. Come meet your doom.
Oh, you sour beast!
You swine of the darkness!
I've long awaited
this blood orgy, you...
Fool! More!
Fool! He's got me!
Fuck! Goddamn it, get me out of here!
Dude, fuck this shit.
- What happened?
- I'm fucking over it.
- It got you good right here.
-I know, it got me good a lot.
You got bit and stung,
so mission accomplished.
I'm fucking pissed.
What'd you think
was going to happen?
Up a little. Yeah, right there.
Oh, shit.
We're here with BMX legend
Mat Hoffman,
and this is a Sweatsuit Cocktail.
So I guess the idea is
for the sweat to dribble down
into the funnel, into the cup.
That's rinky-dink, even for us.
That's coming right out of the ass.
We probably need a doctor.
You almost have a drop.
Man, it's fucking hot in this!
Steve-O, face.
- What's that?
- Face.
Looks like white gravy.
Sop his face.
Bring the cup down a little bit.
- Get it, get it!
- Oh, Shit!
- Is that pee-pee or sweat?
- it's sweat, dude. Get it!
Wring that out, Steve-O.
We're losing Lance, guys.
What is...? His head's bobbing.
Lance, you all right?
I think we just broke him again.
You OK?
- You need the camera?
- Yeah...
- The camera help you not get sick?
- Yeah, I'm...
All right, give him the camera so he...
Got it? You good?
Hey, someone follow me down the crack.
OK, here we go.
Steve-O! Steve-O! Lord!
Sorry! Sorry.
A prostate exam going on back there.
Fuck sake, dude.
Here, let's take this shit off
and wring out the suit.
That makes me want to puke.
This is the first cocktail
you've had in two years, right?
Yeah. Here's to good health.
Chug that whole thing, Steve-O.
I think the cam...
Don't puke on that heater.
You're puking on...
Give me your camera.
You're puking right on your lens.
Here, we gotta like...
We're really falling apart here.
- Jesus.
-I love you, bro.
He just puked all over his camera.
That was the Sweatsuit Cocktail.
- Seriously.
- Yeah, brother.
My name is Santy Claus,
and I'm here with the Dudesons,
and this is the Christmas Tree.
- Santa and elf is coming down hard.
- Yes!
Santa ain't climbed a tree
in quite a while.
And, I am gonna be honest,
Santa did have a couple last night.
So... this ain't gonna feel too good.
I'm just here to enjoy the ride.
How do you get started?
- You need a hand?
- F, yes! Santa needs a hand.
I just love that they're
climbing up a 40-foot tree,
and they're gonna have
a 60-foot drop and it's
-the top of the morning.
- Top of the morning to you!
- Santa looking good!
- Santa's fucking tired.
Santa can barely hold on,
so let's go.
That was the hard part!
Now comes the easy part.
Bring out the saw!
They're letting Jarppi
work the chainsaw.
He's never touched a chainsaw before.
He's got one thumb.
How's he gonna hit the trigger?
He's gonna have no thumbs after this.
You ever get scared in these moments?
Push it! Push it the other way!
Jarppi, cutout!
Yeah, but you got to push!
There it goes, there it goes!
Santa's coming out!
Are you all right?
I fell on the tree... on my ass!
- You fell on the tree?
- Yeah.
But you're alive.
You good?
Santa, I think that's the only proper
way to get yourself a Christmas tree.
With all that sleigh riding I do,
Santa really doesn't like heights,
I found out.
I'm Danger Ehren, and this
is Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
You got it.
Let me spin you around.
Spin you around.
OK. Spread your legs.
Tail up higher.
- Where'd he hit you?
- It didn't.
Where the fuck
do you think it hit me?
Look, damn it!
Put that tail on that donkey.
OK, it's just a donkey.
Spread legs... spread legs.
That's good.
Get your dick lower.
You're going good. Spread legs.
Your walk is just amazing.
Straight, straight.
You're getting warm.
I heard that.
It got me in the dick!
It got me in the dick!
I see the hoof print on his ding-ding.
Fuck! I don't want to do that
anymore, if that's OK.
Hello. My name is Johnny Knoxville.
We have professional football
players Erik Ainge, Jared Allen,
and our referee today,
Seann William Scott.
This is the Blindside.
- I didn't do it, Wee Man.
- I know.
I didn't do it.
Jared, why did you do that?
I really got lost in the moment.
Let's get this shit over with.
Blue... 24!
Blue... 24! Hut!
Oh, my God.
Looks like you didn't
block him, Preston.
You just planted me
in the fucking ground!
That felt like shit.
Have you ever played
linebacker before?
- Years and years ago.
- You think you can give it a try?
Quickly review. What's your job?
Murder Knoxville's face.
- What's your job?
- Catch the ball.
- I mean...
- Let's do this!
I mean, catch the ball.
Do you think Knoxville's
gonna catch the ball?
- Nope.
- Who gives a shit?
Hey, Jared! Don't hit me
with your purse this time!
Nice Wristband, douche.
Ten hut!
Did I Catch it?
People don't realize
football's a game of physics.
Speed and velocity equals that.
- Good game. See you in the showers.
- Good game. See you in the showers.
Oh, fuck!
That was perfect. That was perfect.
This is our friend, Will,
and he has a very special bottom.
Dude, you are one mingin' machine.
You ready? All right,
come on, dude, let's party.
- What about the trumpet?
- All right. Here he goes.
You're bringing jazz back
to the working man.
- We're on to something here.
- That's talent!
Hey, bud, dude,
can I bum a smoke?
Bottoms up.
There's shit on the end...
Is there shit on the end?
- There's shit on there.
- Hey, look at this shit.
I saw it.
- That's fucking gross.
- Dude, that was fucking mingin'.
Let's get out the dart gun.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
Luckily, we had it handy.
- Do you want to practice?
- Let's get a balloon.
- Does it need to go down lower?
- Yeah, go lower.
You got it. You got it.
You might want to tuck
your nuts up.
No, no, no! I think you should leave
your legs just a little agape.
Steve-O, don't get your balls
in the way. You'll hurt 'em.
- Is this sucking in?
- Yeah, he's sucking in.
- Trippin' out.
- I'm seriously trippin'.
You wanna try the longer... Hey!
My name's Johnny Knoxville
and this is Bad Dog.
Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
Oh, my ass meat!
That dog... is athletic.
My ass hurts.
Lance, can you tell
I've been doing squats?
You know, I couldn't
have done this on the first...
...two movies, because
I never really did squats
or anything then,
but now I've been really
working out my butt and legs,
and it gave the dog
something to bite on.
Pretty good something
to bite on, if you ask me.
I'm Chris Pontius,
and this is the Helicockter.
Oh, no, you're flying it.
- Throttle back, throttle back!
- Throttle back!
Throttle back. Throttle back.
Oh, God!
Well, so much for my aviation career.
Oh, God. So much for my love life.
Yo, Novak.
- Oh, my God!
- Holy fuck!
Oh, my God!
- Are you all right?
- Oh, my God!
Dude, you have no idea
how fucking perfect that was.
Help me up. No, not that way.
Dude, we gotta see that shit.
Dude, it hit so fucking hard, my face...
- That's the brake.
- Look at the weld.
- I've had stronger silverware.
- How fast does it go?
It's kind of fast
for being as cruddy as they are.
- So you're saying he might make it.
- He'll definitely make it.
- Dude, you got this.
- Nothing.
What's the furthest you've jumped
a motorcycle before?
I haven't jumped a motorcycle.
- So this will be your record.
- Yeah. I'm breaking records.
I'm doing the Snake River
Redemption and, hopefully,
if all goes as planned,
I will create a perfect rainbow,
ending up in Wee Man's pot of gold.
Or on Wee Man.
- Either way.
- Either way works.
The proud owner
of Wee Man's Chronic Tacos!
At least your run-up ramp
looks like a piece of microwave bacon.
A very patriotic, microwave bacon.
Just aim for the fucking leprechaun.
I'm gonna try
and take out the leprechaun.
- Land in the gold.
- Steal his gold.
Whatever. Let's fucking get it over with
and go have some fucking tacos!
- Fuck yeah!
- You all right?
You OK?
We got a Dunn down!
You done good!
That was fucking awesome.
That was awesome, Dunn!
Dude, that thing is squirrelly as shit!
That was so amazing!
I think its time
fora Wee Mans Chronic Taco replay.
Redemption is made!
I'm Preston Lacy,
and this is the Apple of My Ass.
- Want me to put it in, P?
- Put her in.
Help me out, O.
- What about the apple?
- I got it.
- Is it in there pretty good?
- I think so. I think so.
- A little deeper.
- I can make it fit way better.
- A little deeper.
- What?
- Hold it open, I'll put it in.
- There we go. That's in good.
- Oh, Steve-O.
- My balls.
Hold on.
You don't like apple
and peanut butter?
- Bring in Bob.
- Come on, Bob!
Oh, don't bring in Bob.
- Come on, Bob.
- Oh, my God.
- Make him work for it.
- Come on, Bob.
- Poor Bob.
- Come on, Bob.
- Get it, Bob.
- He smells.
Come on, Bobby. Bob-Bob. Bob-Bob.
- The old forbidden fruit.
- Come on, Bob.
- The Garden of Eatin'.
- Come on, Bob!
Grip it, grip it.
He really got in there.
Oh, he's going back for more.
Don't move.
He's going back for more.
Good, baby.
Put it back in there? OK.
- Is that Bob?
- Oh, man.
It's in there!
It's still in there!
Get back down there!
Get back down. it's still in.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Can I move this?
- Still have an apple in your ass?
Got it out.
Why did you do that, Jeff?
See, Bob? I told you it's not
that hard to get into a movie.
- You got it?
- Oh, no!
I was checking out my new
haircut in the mirror.
I was talking to Wee Man
over there, then I heard a...
I'm like, "What was that?"
"l know what that was."
Kinda hurt my nose.
It's like way, way up in my brain.
Me and the boys are about
to do a little Duck Hunting.
- Pun!
- oh, shit!
You guys all right?
- What did Andy do?
- He got fucked up.
- Our timing was off.
- I don't know. When we jumped,
somehow I got under him, he got
on top of me, and he landed on me.
His head smashed me.
- Fm shaking.
- It hurt so bad.
- Got hit too.
- That looked hilarious.
Now it's Parks's turn,
and this duck's got
a little more meat on him.
We lit him the fuck up.
Oh, my God!
I got welted.
!t's like fuckin' falling
into a bees' nest.
- Holy crap!
- We killed Quack Quack.
- My whole back stings.
- Does it?
Yeah, ten, 11 right there,
and that one.
All right. So let's reload.
Get Dunn on there.
Looks like Dunn's up next.
Ready, C-sucker?
This one's a gobbler for sure.
Good fucking God!
I gotta give it to Paul Bunyans
4 0-foot tucking cartwheel.
You look like Buck Rogers
going through time, you know.
Yeah, I felt like I was
in the air for a fortnight.
Oh, my God.
Jump out!
I told you
I was gonna fucking clear it.
That fucking just happened, didn't it?
Hello. My name is Irving Zisman.
This is my wife and granddaughter,
and today I'm a Really Bad Grandpa.
No, you're not, Grandpa.
You're the best.
- Irving!
- Sorry, baby.
Sorry, man, sorry.
Excuse me, homeboy,
can you take our picture?
- I'm sorry to bother you.
- No problem.
I'm so...
Sorry. Thank you, buddy. OK?
- You know what? I'm gonna pass.
- You just hit the button there.
I'm going to pass on that.
Are you underage?
No. This is my granddaughter.
She's of age. She's 19.
Sir, you shouldn't be
kissing your granddaughter,
slapping your granddaughter's
ass like that, sir.
- She's of age.
- You can go to jail for that.
I don't... I'm trying.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You shouldn't be doing that
to your granddaughter.
- What are you doing?
- Honey, I don't even know this man.
I don't care. You're with your
granddaughter. That's terrible!
- I've never seen anything like it...
- This is my wife.
- This is your wife?
- Yes. Honey, I'm sorry.
Don't bother coming home tonight!
OK? Don't bother.
Honey! God. Jesus.
- Why would you...?
- Go talk to her.
Excuse me. I have my own problems.
It's time to find out
if music calms the wild beast.
I'm Ryan Dunn,
and this is the Ram Jam.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
He's already looking at me.
Can you just go over there until
I get in here, buddy? Jesus.
You better hurry up.
He's looking at me.
- He looks beguiled.
- He's like, "Are these guys stupid?"
- He doesn't like what he sees, though.
- Hey, little baby.
That was good.
- Play some music! Play some music!
- You're toast.
- Steve-O, help him!
- Play some music!
Steve-O, help him!
Get it over here, Dunn!
Go help him, Steve-O!
- Save your bro!
- Help him, Steve-O!
- Play!
- Steve-O!
Play the trumpet!
- Yeah, there you go.
- Just you, Steve-O.
Maybe we used the wrong instruments.
So you think music
calmed the wild beast?
Not at all, man, not at all.
I don't think so, either:
Here we go.
You guys look like idiots.
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Did you take it in the neck?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God, dude!
You took it in the Adams apple.
- Hi, Spike.
- Ehren NlcGhehey. Travis Bickle.
- He's got a tooth that we need out.
-I need it out.
I need it because you need it.
Whatever you need, I need.
- Let's get it out.
- We need it together.
You wanna walk the walk,
you gotta talk the talk,
or no one will take you seriously.
Dr. Pontius? Dr. Dunn?
- Can we do this?
- Finally!
Tie him up and let's do it.
Sit down.
- Take it easy.
- Relax.
You know why this happened.
Flossing is just
as important as brushing.
So what we're going to do is
extract Ehren's crooked tooth
and then we're gonna replant it,
just like you would a tree.
- But straight.
- But straight.
I'm Danger Ehren, and this is
the Lamborghini Tooth Pull.
Here's the good news:
What you're doing is stupid.
So you got that going.
Get in the Lambo, shitbird!
This is gonna suck.
Did your barber tell you to do this?
He seems like he's full of bad ideas.
Are you stoked?
It's a Lamborghini.
Listen to that thing.
- Open your eyes wide.
- Look at that bad-ass Lamborghini.
- Way to go!
- Fuckin' deuce!
I wish I could say that didn't suck.
- Oh, my God!
- You look terrible!
- Oh, my God!
- You did good.
You did good. You did good.
Man, that hurt me. Not really.
Let me see, Ehren.
- What'd it feel like?
- It hurt like a...
- What was that?
-I don't know.
- What... Are you crying?
- You're pulling my tooth.
We already pulled your tooth.
We're not "pulling" your tooth.
We already pulled your tooth.
We're not "pulling" your tooth.
The tooth is officially pulled.
Ehren, remember how I said
I could replant the tooth?
- Yeah.
- That story wasn't true.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
- It was a story.
We were trying to build up
your confidence.
That hurts.
A lot of doctors... dentists...
I don't really consider them
real doctors.
They think they're God,
you know? Not me.
Yeah, he's soaked.
You fucking...
How much piss do you have?!
Dudes, I'm telling you,
I drank a dozen of them things.
All I got to say is,
Tremaine told me to do this.
Ap and Phil just arrived
in Los Angeles.
As soon as they check in
their hotel room,
there's gonna be a gorilla
in there, aka Chris Pontius,
and the trainer here, Will,
who's gonna try to tame him
but it's gonna go horribly wrong.
Basically, all hell's gonna break loose.
It's gonna be a blood orgy.
My goodness.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no!
it's OK! This is Samson.
Just don't make eye contact.
Samson, down. Be quiet.
He's a good boy. If he wants to
be a good boy, he's a good boy.
Just don't make any
sudden movements.
Don't make eye contact
with him. Samson...
I'm getting my whip!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Get out of here!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Get out of here!
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Samson!
- Jesus Christ. What the hell was that?
- There's a trainer...
- it's out! it's out!
What happened to Phil?
- The trainer will get him.
- He said be quiet.
Sam, Sam...
Oh, my God.
I never saw a gorilla before.
- He's tame.
- He just wrecked the whole room.
- There's a fucking trainer.
- Big deal!
- Did this go wrong or something?
- Kind of.
What was supposed to happen?
- He's like the trainer...
- Oh, so what?
He seems all right now.
Was this supposed to be
just fun or something?
He wants to go back in the room.
Do you have the key to that room?
- Yeah.
- Give me the key.
- Give me the key.
- My husbands in there somewhere.
Is Phil OK? Is Phil out here?
-I shit myself!
- What? Where is he?
-I had to take a mean shit.
- There's a gorilla.
I know. I had to take a mean shit.
It was coming out.
Hear it? it's all juicy. I had to do it.
I need this thing off.
I can't breathe. I need this off.
Is that a person?
That's a frickin' person.
- it's Pontius, dipshit!
- Is that a person?
Is that a...
Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
Did you almost have a heart attack?
Oh, my God.
- I'm so glad you're fake.
- Welcome to L.A.
Phil's in there shittin'.
- Get...
- It scared the shit out of Phil.
All right.
- That's a good one.
- Get it! Go! Go!
Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville,
and today I'm an Invisible Man.
You ready?
Take him around again.
Am I still invisible?
I hate when they do that.
Fuck me.
Where'd Knoxville go?
He's up ahead.
Is he close? Oh, fuck!
Open the gate!
That was fucking insane.
- No, he landed bad.
- He really fell a little bit there.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You OK, Johnny?
Dude, that was a total neck-breaker:
I think it jarred his head.
- Get the money shot?
- Oh, yeah, dude.
Look at the feet mark
on top of the tree.
Yeah, look it...
-I got ups. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, you did.
- You were over the rainbow.
- I was over the rainbow.
So, in this trailer,
we have a false floor
with an 11-foot-deep pit we dug
and filled with rubber snakes.
And Barn thinks hes gonna be doing a prank on Jeff,
who's sitting in front of the trailer.
Mr. David Weathers...
...has a few hundred live snakes
we're gonna throw in there with him.
Barn really hates snakes, too.
This may be the first time
Barn cries in the film.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- You want to...?
Tremaine's in a very vulnerable spot.
I think it's time for Rocky.
I think it's Rocky 4, I believe.
Either way, he's getting
punched in the face.
Be quiet.
Oh, fuck!
Fucking fuck.
Are they real?
Get me the fuck out of here.
You cocksuckers.
Dude, get me out, man.
- They're not real, dude.
- What happened?
- I want out, man.
Barn. Barn.
What, what?! Don't do this to me!
Yo, seriously, get me out!
Get me the fuck out now!
Now! Get me out now!
Dude, stop, stop, stop!
Oh, Jesus.
I'm stepping back for this one.
Dude, stop fucking with me!
Hey, Barn.
- Dude, I fucking hate you guys.
- Dimitry, please! Please!
- Is he crying?
- Please! Please!
- He's really crying.
Tremaine, you motherfucker!
Get me out now!
It's not funny. it's not funny!
Its not funny? Im gonna argue
with you on that one, Barn.
You fucking assholes!
- Get him out.
- Get me out.
Get me out.
You can't do that to me, man.
Sorry, bud.
Dude, that is the worst fear
I could ever imagine.
You fucking, dick-sucking,
fucking, asshole
motherfuckers just did that to me.
Look at the snake tracks on his back.
You have snake marks on your back.
- Oh, my God.
- That one is so big!
That looks like hell in there.
That was fucking terrifying. I can't
think of anything more terrifying
than that, that just happened right now.
Well, you're welcome, man.
Fucking cocksucker.
Your voice definitely did
have different nuances to it
when you were hollering out
for... getting out of there.
Stop it, man!
Fuck, man! You're gonna make me
have heart... Seriously...
Thank God I'm leaving at three today.
I am counting down the minutes.
Seriously. With fucking
David Weathers around.
I'm gonna see if there's
a one-hour-earlier flight.
Most people don't like the idea
of being covered in dog shit,
but that doesn't bother me
nearly as much as, like,
rollercoasters and bungee jumping.
I just can't do that shit, man.
That's why this is gonna be fantastic.
It's basically like a poo coaster.
- You have really irrational fears.
- I know.
"Cast me out to sea with sharks,
I don't care."
"Put a hook through my cheek.
But I'm not bungee diving."
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Come here, dude.
I'm trying.
- What's the problem?
- It fuckin' stinks like sh...
I think it's about ten years ago today
that I was doing
the first Poo Cocktail
and now you're taking the reins
and taking it to a whole other level.
- Yep.
- You look pretty happy about it.
Hey, let's get me down
pretty fucking quick after this.
I'm gonna be so claustrophobic,
it's gonna be ridiculous.
- Do you have claustrophobia?
- Yeah.
Just relax and enjoy your shit.
I'm Steve-O, and this is
the Poo Cocktail Supreme.
All right. Good luck.
- You ready, Steve-O?
- No.
Order up! Poo Cocktail Supreme!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
He's puking!
Fucking gross.
Whats wrong with you, Barn?
Oh, my God, dude.
Are you OK, Steve-O?
Oh, my God!
It's gonna be ugly. I don't know
if you wanna see this.
Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus.
- Help him out of there!
- Let him out!
I'm ready...
Oh, my God.
Jump in that lake right now.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, it's so gross.
This is the kind of extreme shit that
those extreme dudes don't even think of
That had it all.
That had danger: It had shit.
It had puke. That's what
this show is all about.
And sex appeal.
All right, fellas,
we're gonna play a little game called
Escaped Convict and Warden's Wife.
And I'm pretty sure something sucky's
gonna happen when I push this.
So would you guys rather
listen to Steve-O's rap album,
- or have me push this plunger?
- Push the plunger!
All right, let's end this turkey.
Glasses on! Goggles on!
Hello. My name's Johnny Knoxville
and I'm about to end this movie.
Oh, my God! I don't believe...
Can you believe this?
I don't understand
what the hell they're doing.
I mean, it looks more like a riptide
to me. Don't you think so?
This is ridiculous.
Now wait just a second.
- How...? Is this the way you make...
- Rip Taylor!
Shut up yourself! I'm just fed up.
Who's the fat guy in the Speedo?
Look in the mirr... Oh, my God.
Look in the mirror. A grown man.
And they did it.
And I can't believe all the confetti.
And don't forget... Jackass 3D.
- 3D!
- Thank you.
No tongue! No tongue!
No tongue!
No tongue!
I'm Danger Ehren, and that was
the Lamborghini Tooth Pull.
- We're not using that.
-I don't care.
Now we are using that.
I was joking. You just broke Jeff's
cam... You broke your camera.
Fuck, OK, you got me, dude.
Bro-zilian, take two, mark.
Dude! Dude! Cut the...
Dude, I will fucking punch you
in the face, dude! Stop it.
Whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, don't be a sissy.
Three, two, one, go!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.
My name is Eddie Barbanell,
and this is some bullshit
with a plunger.
Preston, move your ass.
Come back here!
This bruise looks old.
Yeah, there's been a lot of
stuff going on back there.
That's an official break.
Jeez. That's so gnarly.
That's some serious
bragging rights, right there.
Happy birthday!
Oh, right there. That's the spot.
Sorry. Had we known you didn't like red,
we wouldn't have wore this.
Thanks, buddy.
He's got it, he's got it! Oh, shit!
Man, you jumped!
Oh, you fucker. You fucker.
I did it like you said.
I held the brake...
Like this, while its still...
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
That's my girl.
- You're gonna roller-skate.
- Yeah, I'm an awesome roller skater.
I know. I saw you a long time ago
at the L.A. River when you were...
- Why you gotta bring that up?
- You were amazing!
My name is Johnny Knoxville, and today,
I'm gonna jump the L.A. River.
Help me! Help me!
How's it going? I'm Steve-O, and I
collected nine days of elephant shit.
No wait, that doesn't work.
What should I say?
Say whatever you want.
- Hi. I'm Jeff.
- Hi. I'm April.
- it's nice to meet you.
- Hi, April. Nice meeting you.
Look at these haggard tattoos he has!
He's got a Chili Peppers sign.
And what's this? Blair Witch?
- What's this one over here?
- That's a noose.
- What does that mean?
-I don't know.
That's Trip.
- And action.
- Hi. Welcome to Jackass.
I never wanted to be this.
I was hired to move the ramps,
'cause I was the only one
with a pickup truck.
Do it up and down.
You! Pull that fucking
camera back, jackass.
I know Johnny Knoxville,
and he is not broadcasting
my crack to millions of people.
Is this shoot over?
Yeah. What did you want out of it?
You got whatever, you know?
You did great today, Jeff.