Jack and Jill (2011)

And we were born
on September 15...
And... And she's the older...
Older twin.
I'm older by 10 minutes.
She's... Ten minutes.
Cause she had
an umbilical cord
wrapped around her neck.
And she, like, shoved me in
there and wouldn't let me out.
I was, like, kicking her in,
shoving her more in my mom,
so that's why she came
out, like, later. Yeah.
And... She came out
the bigger twin, too.
Well, I came out a pound
heavier than Kara,
so that's why
I'm an inch taller now.
She's always been,
like, a pound heavier.
So, yeah, it's... You know,
I love being twins, man.
It's, uh...
It's basically like you
have a bag of spare parts.
Yeah. You know what I mean?
It's, like, I need a
kidney down the road,
I know he's got one,
so I'm always like,
"Hey, stay healthy, dude.
Eat right."
When we were kids, we had
our own secret language
that only me and my
brother understood.
I guess, when we were kids,
we thought we were whales.
Like, when things are bad,
we don't really got to say
anything to each other.
We just make these sounds.
It's like...
So, I just graduated
from Harvard,
and I'm starting a new job
at a law firm
in Southern California,
so I'm really happy about that.
And I got a job at Hooters.
I'm happy, too.
Being a twin is like
being a married couple,
and you can't divorce her.
Even, like! I mean, I love
her when we're together.
Well, actually, more so
when we're distant.
She loves nature, like me.
She loves donating her
time to charities.
And she loves eating healthy,
so that's awesome.
She's my best friend.
My best friend is my boyfriend.
They say we're young
and we don't know
We won't find out
till we grow
Well, I don't know
if all that's true
'Cause you got me
and, baby, I got you
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
And when I'm sad
You're a clown
And if I get scared
You're always around
So let them say
your hair's too long
'Cause I don't care
With you I can't go wrong
I got you, babe
I got you, babe
Pepto-Bismol, take 43.
And action!
Please, why do I have
to have such diarrhea?
You need to drink the pink.
Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack!
What is he doing?
Jack, are you watching this'?
What do you mean, "Cut", man?
I... I got to be at
Sesame Street by 1:00.
Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, do
you really have diarrhea?
'Cause you lost weight
or something.
Why does the stomach
have all the good lines'?
"Drink the pink." That's funny.
I'm sorry, Jack.
The Dunkin' Donut people
want to talk to us.
Okay, well, I got to
Regis, it's going to be fine.
Yeah, and you'll take
care of that, and, uh...
Thank you very much.
I didn't need that, but cool.
I got some bad news.
We may lose Dunkin' Donuts.
What do you mean "lose"?
They didn't like our pitches?
They want Al Pacino.
Al Pacino to do a commercial?
The Godfather Al Pacino?
They got this new coffee
drink, the Dunkaccino.
Dunkaccino, Al Pacino,
they sound alike.
Yes. Well, they think
it'll be a home run.
Of course
it would be a home run
if he would ever do it,
which he won't.
Yeah, well, never say never.
Remember, you didn't think
we could get Brad Pitt
to do that Radio Shack
I was right.
Well, you can't be
right all the time.
Uh-huh. Look, bottom line,
they're going to give us one month to
make this whole Pacino thing happen,
or they're going
to go elsewhere.
We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts.
They're our biggest client.
Damn it.
We're going to go
bankrupt, buddy.
And we have 200 employees
relying on us.
Try to have a good
Thanksgiving, okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do you think?
Would Al Pacino
ever do a Dunkin' Donuts
Shut up.
Did my wife call? Uh, yeah.
You're all set for the cruise.
You guys leave a week
after Hanukkah.
Okay, all right.
There's some good news.
Yeah. She converted, right'?
That's so cool.
She doesn't look Jewish at all.
Wow. That was anti-Semitic.
What? No, I just...
See, I can say that, you can't.
You're not Jewish.
No, but I'm close.
What... What does that mean?
I'm an atheist.
You're two for two right there.
What? No...
Anyways, did my sister say
what time she's
flying in tomorrow?
Yeah, I was supposed
to pick her up at noon,
but she switched
the flight to earlier,
so now she gets in
at 4:00 in the morning.
Something about jet lag
She never listens.
She gains three hours.
Every year, she acts like
she's flying to New Zealand.
She's a freak, man.
Yeah, again,
you can't say that.
No, I...
Honey... Yeah?
Try complimenting her.
Huh? Yeah. What?
To avoid fighting.
Just focus
on something positive.
Tell Jill that
she has nice shoes.
Nice shoes. That's good.
That'll work.
I love you, honey.
I love you, too.
And I love my sister.
And I can keep my cool.
It's only four days.
I love my sister.
I love her shoes.
I love my sister.
I love her shoes.
Well, I just...
I can't find him anywhere.
Does he know
what terminal it is'?
Okay, okay, I see him.
All right, I'm hanging up.
How are we doing?
Where were you?
I've been waiting
forever for you.
This place is creeping me out.
Why so many bags?
Are the Knicks traveling with you'?
What is with this?
Mom always said,
"it's better to have it
and not need it"
"than to need it
and not have it."
Oh, yeah, she did say that.
I remember that. That was cool.
Are you going bald?
Huh? No, no, no, no.
You're getting fatter, and
your hair doesn't realize
that it needs
to cover more face.
Okay. Where'd you put the car?
You really had
to bring your bird?
she's my best friend.
Anyways, Jill, I was thinking...
The house is going
to be very crowded
'cause we got the kids,
and all the guests
are coming by,
and blah, blah, blah.
So, there's this new hotel,
a Hilton that they
just built down...
But I want to spend time
with Sofie and Gary.
Why, do you not want me
to stay with you?
No, no, no, no. Of course
I want you to stay with us.
I was just...
I was just saying.
Okay, I'll stay with you, then.
It's too bad, 'cause the hotel
was starting to sound fun.
Why are you doing that?
Why do you sigh so loud?
I just really, really
love your shoes.
You are so weird.
Isn't he weird, Poopsie?
Where were you?
Poopsie gets it.
Yeah. Poopsie really gets it.
She always did get it.
I... It's just...
She always loved getting it.
And then your dad and I
went to the soup kitchen,
and they gave us Otto
to bring to Thanksgiving
dinner this year.
Thanks again for having me.
It's very nice.
Are you going to eat
dinner with us tonight'?
Yes, he is, honey.
And what about tomorrow night'?
Tomorrow, Otto's going
to go back home...
Uh, Sofia, show Otto
your karate moves.
You know, why don't...
Why don't you go wake up Jill?
What? It's 5:30.
She's here. That's
the important thing.
It counts as a day.
So what? She's sleeping. Jack...
All right, I'll go check on Jill.
Thank you.
It's okay, Otto.
It's just her...
Wake up.
Okay, stay sleeping
Jet lag.
I have a gun! Oh, my God!
You see, I live alone.
Poopsie's trained
to watch out for me.
Don't sneak up
like that, all right'?
Where were you?
I don't...
Come downstairs.
Uh, the food's ready.
Can you just lay down
with me for five minutes?
I'm not laying down
with you. No.
Come on. I just want
some twin time.
I'm a grown man.
I'm not laying next to you.
Just have Poopsie lay with you.
I... I don't know.
Aw. All right.
I'll take a bath, and I'll meet
you downstairs in an hour.
Good looking out, Poopsie.
Don't forget your sweat shadow.
All right, just take your
bath and all that stuff,
and then burn those sheets.
Jill! You look amazing.
Aw. Macy's, Marshalls.
Hey, where am I sitting?
What do you mean?
'Cause, usually,
I sit next to you.
So all of a sudden, I'm...
I'm not going to sit here?
Oh, uh, would you...
I thought you could
sit down here.
I always sit next to Jack.
ls there a
reason I'm moving? No.
Jill, if you'd like, you could sit here.
I'd be happy to move.
Oh, that's okay. You're fine.
If you want to... If you...
Do you want to sit here?
I don't know.
Okay, you just sit in my chair.
How's that?
There you go.
All right, thank you.
Gary, is that you?
Yes, it is.
Look how handsome you are.
Thank you.
It's so nice to see you.
Look at this leaf.
Look at this.
You have it taped on you?
That's so cute. Yes.
Why did he do that?
He likes tape.
Hey. Sofie, is that you,
or is that you?
Good to see you, Erin.
Good to see you, Jill.
How was your flight?
Oh, the house looks amazing.
You got a new chandelier?
Yeah, yeah.
I loved the old one.
how's every bodys
Gobble-Gobble Day'?
Great. Excellent.
By the way, Jill,
this is Otto. Otto.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
He's homeless, right?
He seems clean,
but you should put
one of those toilet seat
protectors underneath him
to make sure he doesn't
ruin the chair.
Are you whispering with
a bullhorn or something'?
Everybody hears you.
No, they can't,
Mr. Hearing Expert.
Pass that down, Daddy.
I'm allowed out here
once a year,
so I tend to miss things.
What's going on? Anything new'?
Well, Sofie just got her
green belt in karate.
How come I didn't
know about this?
I didn't even know she did karate.
What... I mean,
I feel like I'm in the
Twilight Zone right now.
I'm like Jimmy Stewart
at the end of that movie,
the one where... They...
They're in Pottersville.
What... What is that...
That movie called?
It's a Wonderful Life?
No, no, with Jimmy Stewart.
The... The one where he meets
the angel and he's mad.
It's a Wonderful Life.
Why do you keep saying that?
No, the one where
he falls in the pool
and he sings Buffalo Gals.
He gets all the money
at the end,
and he finds out that his
life really is wonderful.
Star Wars.
They play it every Christmas.
You must have saw it before
Jack made you convert.
What? What are you
doing right now?
Your brother didn't
make me do anything, Jill.
Everyone has to be
like Jack over here.
Even poor Gary.
What does that mean?
You made him switch
from being Indian.
What is wrong with you?
We adopted him when
he was 10 days old.
This is all he knows.
Did you ever think maybe
he tapes things to himself
'cause he doesn't
feel connected?
You know, to his real parents'?
That was very smart.
I just thought of that.
Isn't it? That was interesting.
Aunt Jill? Yes, sweetheart.
Yes, Sofie.
Do you and Daddy
have twin powers?
What's this?
What is twin powers?
It's this thing we saw
on 60 Minutes.
Some twins have strange powers,
and they can feel
when the other one's hurt.
Oh, Jack and I can do that.
What? Why are you
making a face?
When we were kids, you felt
it when I broke my ankle.
I felt it 'cause
you fell on my head.
You like that one? Yeah.
All right, good, good.
Oh, please!
Tell me you don't feel this.
I didn't feel it.
Maybe if you did it harder.
Little harder.
No, Jill. Stop it.
He's kidding. What?
Donkey fight!
Jill, are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Gary, that was...
He didn't 100% connect.
Feel that, Daddy?
I... I actually did
feel something there.
Pride in my son.
Oh, will you stop it already?
These sweet potatoes need salt.
I'm so sick of that.
Why are you so afraid to
admit that we are connected?
Face it.
We shared Mom's womb.
We were womb-mates.
Oh, that is just disgusting.
I have an idea.
On the show,
there were these twins,
and they finished
each other's sentences.
Jack, maybe you could
start a sentence,
and Jill, you could finish it.
No. No.
Come on, Daddy, please!
Please, Daddy, please!
Please. Oh, my God.
Ready to receive mental images.
Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep...
All right, will you stop?
You're scaring him.
That's just noises
she's making.
Okay, ready? Yes.
I'm very tired, so I'm going to
Go to the supermarket.
No, I'm going to sleep.
What is... Why would I go to
a supermarket if I was tired'?
That's what I would do.
The cold air
always wakes you up.
Isn't it nice when it's...
You go over there in
the frozen food section?
God bless...
You! God bless you!
I finished your sentence.
Got you, Pagogo.
What's Pagogo?
Oh, it's... It's a name
that Aunt Jill used to call your
dad when they were growing up.
I was Pokee, and your
father was Pagogo.
We had our own secret language.
Ook maga do do, Pagogo.
I have no idea
what those words mean,
nor have I ever known
what those words meant.
You do know what they mean,
and you're lying right now.
"Ook maga do do"
means "I love you."
"Bongi" means "thank you."
"Klapa" means "left."
Hey, do you remember what
"Locky mocky koko" means'?
Mmm. What does it mean again?
Jack, don't.
It means, "I can't
stand you being here!"
This is really awkward.
I'm going to go.
Dessert is coming.
I'm full.
I love how nice we are
to this homeless man,
a person we don't even know,
who probably is pretending
to be homeless!
You don't look homeless to me!
You're fat! You're al-Qaeda!
Sofia, why don't you
go upstairs?
No, Mom, this is my favorite
part of Thanksgiving.
You know what? I'm leaving.
I'm leaving. That's it.
That's it. I'm going.
I am going!
I hope you're happy!
I'm sleeping out here
in the woods!
At least the animals
will be nice.
Jill! He's even turning
the kids against me!
Are you okay?
Jill, are you all right?
No. See, the kids love you.
And I love them.
And that's the only reason
that I come
back here every year.
Jack, apologize.
I'm sorry that you make everybody
uncomfortable. I really am.
All right. I'm sorry about
what I said back there.
I didn't mean it.
I... I love you.
I just feel abandoned.
I'm all alone in the Bronx.
I don't have any family
with me any more.
We didn't abandon you.
I told you, you can Skype
us any time you want.
I don't even know
what that means.
What is Skype?
It sounds anti-Semitic.
What is it?
It's just this Internet thing.
I don't get that!
You know I don't
have a calculator.
- Okay.
- Do you know what?
Our home is your home.
So let's go back.
I have some ice cream.
I don't know, Erin.
I'm too upset.
I can't eat right now.
What flavor? Chocolate.
No. You have maple walnut?
I don't like chocolate.
I... I didn't know
you liked maple walnut
Hang in there, brother.
She's only here till Sunday.
What is done
cannot now be amended!
Yeah, Ted, I'm looking
at it right now.
So, this was two nights ago?
If I
did take the kingdom
from your sons, to make amends,
I give it to your daughter.
Will you get that?
You have a phone in your hand!
You are told before the play
starts not to have it ring!
Shut all cell phones off!
This is what the man said!
Yeah, this guy's going to do
a Dunkin' Donuts commercial.
This has got to stop.
I'm losing my mind.
Help me.
Where am I?
Thank you.
Thank you all for coming.
How do you know Pacino's
going to a Laker game'?
Well, yeah, get the tickets,
but how am I even going
to get near the guy'?
He's going to have
security or something.
I'm not telling my wife
to wear something trashy
just 'cause it would
save our company.
Unless she wants to.
I mean, that's her thing
I'm hanging up the phone.
Excuse me, Mrs. Erin,
the magnolia branch
in the backyard
could fall off any time.
I mean, I don't want
anyone to get hurt.
Should I take it down now'?
Oh, oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Whatever you think, Felipe.
Oh, did you have
a nice Thanksgiving?
Yeah, I had the whole
family come over.
Even my Aunt Rosa snuck
across the border.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
Who are you?
Are you a gardener or something?
No, I... I don't
just do gardening.
I do impressions, too.
When Immigration shows up, I do
a great impression of a tree.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
Oh, strong. All right.
Jay Leno better watch his back.
You know it.
Nice to meet you, seorita.
Okay, nice to meet you.
What is he doing?
What is his problem?
Oh, oh! Jack, Jack, Jack!
I put a little list together
of things I want to
do before I leave, so...
Oh, my God.
I got to touch that?
"Studio tour, beach,"
"horseback riding,
get on a game show."
You can't get through
all this stuff.
You're leaving Sunday.
I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
You know.
I just wanted to
have fun out here,
and, you know,
we fought last night.
I just... I feel really
weird leaving like that.
What do you mean?
It was a great night.
We... We ate food, we ran in the woods.
It was fun.
I just... Maybe I should
stay out through Hanukkah.
Mom's gone now,
so there's really nothing
for me to go back to.
Stay, then! Stay!
She can't stay.
Because of your airline ticket.
It's, like,
the busiest time of year.
We'll never get you
a return flight.
That's why I used my twin hunch
in knowing that we would fight,
and I have
an open-ended ticket.
Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah!
He's going to be mad.
I don't know where
we parked the car.
I don't know.
I just want to go on with
them because they look scared.
I know if I was riding
with them, they would...
I know you say
I weigh too much,
but I don't think I do.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Okay, I'm ready! Let's go!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Look, I'm so sorry.
I weigh too much.
You were right!
At least put a helmet
on that thing.
With your fancy friends
I'm telling you
it's got to be the end
Don't bring me down
No, no, no, no, no
Ooh-ooh, hoo...
What are you doing?
Why can't I just lay with you?
You're a weirdo!
All right, welcome back
to The Price Is Right.
Let's find out who's next.
Jill Sadelstein, come on down!
You're the next contestant
on The Price is Right.
All right, Jill, go ahead and spin
the wheel, whenever you're ready.
You are the best, Drew.
This is awesome, guys!
Go ahead and...
Are you married or not?
Uh, no.
Go ahead and...
Jill, go ahead
and spin the wheel.
No, because I know
once I spin it,
I don't get to be
near you any more.
All right. All right.
Hey, Gary, Sofie.
Come on, guys, one dollar!
One dollar. Good luck to you.
One dollar's the winner!
I never saw that before.
Uh, hey, just give her
a bunch of prizes.
We'll be right back right
after this. Don't go away.
Call an ambulance.
It banged me good.
Then, when I hit the floor,
that's when I really went out.
But when I came to,
it was good.
They had prizes for me.
Say hello to my little friend!
Do you want
to play rough? Okay.
What is she doing now?
I don't know...
Whoa! It's hard to hold on.
Please don't destroy my pool.
I've got it now. I...
Ow, my head!
But it's such a waste.
A full moon, an empty yacht.
I'll throw up.
I'll be.
About the roadhouse...
They have a Cuban band
that's the berries.
Let's go there,
blindfold the orchestra,
and tango till dawn.
Do you know
something, Mr. Fielding?
You're dynamite.
You and Jill are so alike.
We are nothing alike,
I promise you.
I'm not quite sure.
Would you try it again?
Just watch the movie.
I got a funny
sensation in my toes.
Like someone was barbecuing
them over a slow flame.
I think you're on
the right track.
Your glasses are
beginning to steam up.
Shh! Mrs. Applebaum.
Hi. Yeah, no...
What are you doing?
It wasn't an emergency.
I just wanted to see
how my plants were doing.
Please stop talking!
Okay, and you turned the heat off?
Turn off the phone.
All the way off, though?
Jill, Jill!
Yeah, I can't hear her.
I'm trying to...
I'm on the phone.
Well, get off the phone,
you psycho!
No, don't cry.
You know what?
Don't run away. You just...
Don't go in the woods. Jill!
I can't believe it.
It's the last night
of Hanukkah!
Come on, already!
It's happy time!
Dude, way to yell at a chick.
That's awesome.
That was a chick?
Yeah, that was a chick.
Hey! The brake.
Hey, hey, I can do it!
It's all right! I got it!
I can do it!
It's all right!
Hey, I can do it.
It's okay.
It goes fast.
I'm getting it on him.
She's crazy.
She's crazy.
She's never leaving.
Well, she was going to leave
until you called her "psycho."
She's forwarding
her mail to us now!
Highlights magazine.
Birdy magazine
addressed to Poopsie!
Okay, okay.
Did you ever think
that maybe she's lonely
and she needs someone to
get her through the holidays'?
She needs a guy.
She needs a guy!
No, no, no, no.
If we don't get her a guy
by New Year's,
she's gonna come
on the cruise ship with us.
We'll be locked on a boat for
seven days! I'll kill myself!
Do not get involved
in her love life.
Aunt Jill, why don't
you have any kids'?
Gary, did you make
your bed this morning?
It's okay, Erin.
You don't have to...
I can tell him.
Gary, I have all the equipment
and it seems to be
functioning well.
I get a little reminder
every 30 days or so.
But the point is, Gary,
I was never married.
Well, everyone
loved your father.
He was more of a gadfly.
Me, I kept to myself,
made sure Grandma
and Grandpa were okay.
But everybody loves Aunt Jill
just as much as Daddy.
Or more.
Don't say that.
Your father, he might act
tough, but he has thin skin.
You'd hurt his feelings.
Aunt Jill, did you date boys'?
I liked boys.
They just, they...
They never liked me back.
My friend Mimi's mom dates boys
she meets on the computer.
Oh, I've heard of this.
Yeah, I would do that.
It's just, I don't know how
to use a computer or a radar.
Or a robot or whatever.
Well, let's show her!
Jack. No, no, no.
Uh, Sofie's the one
who brought it up.
It's her. She did it.
I would do it.
I mean, what the heck'?
It's no biggie.
Let's go for it.
I need a man.
So many to choose from.
That's a good one.
Uh, eHarmony, I've heard of.
They have commercials.
I like that because
I got a little soul.
Okay, so it says to
press here to register
for your perfect soul mate.
No't like that.
No. Like this.
What are you,
a computer whiz?
You would think he'd be the
genius, being from India.
Now, India's, uh,
really amazing lately.
They're just leading the pack.
I read in Time magazine,
they're number one.
China's number two
The Jews, we're back
to number three. Okay.
Four is Germany,
so let's watch out, everyone.
All right, all right, listen,
you got to pick
a username, Jill,
so just do that.
A username?
Uh, how about Manilow?
'Cause he can use me
anytime he wants to.
Just kidding. I hope
you didn't understand that.
It's a little risqu
for your age.
Okay, now you load
your profile picture
that Sofie took of you.
Mmm-hmm, can't wait to see this
My picture is embarrassing.
Put it up.
Is it too va-va-voomish?
No, it's very natural.
Ah, maybe I should
have gone with
peanut butter and jelly.
This... I like it, I like it.
Forget it. I'm committing
to it. So, what?
If somebody likes me,
the little envelope thing
will be blinking?
I just, I love this so much.
I crave this, family time.
It's why you have a family.
A ham this good only comes
once a generation.
Like me.
I give this ham four rings.
That's a hell of
a good ham right there.
Whose idea was the wig?
Oh, that was his choice.
I think it's great that Shaq
doesn't look like Shaq at all,
that he looks like
Al Sharpton on HGH.
Turn the TV off.
So, how long does it take
to get a response on one of
those computer dating things'?
I'm, uh, I'm new to this.
I mean, it can take,
it can take a day,
it can take a week.
You know what I mean?
For someone like her...
What was that? What was...
Why'd you say, "like her"?
Someone like her.
Like, uh, in her 40s,
still single.
You know what I mean?
Incredibly homely.
Wow, you hate your job,
don't you?
No. I only said that 'cause
you said that one time.
I can say that
'cause I'm her twin.
Hey, Jack,
Laker game tomorrow night.
We got to make
that Pacino thing happen.
Every bodys really nervous
around here.
Yeah, I know, I know.
What's this about a twin?
Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.
Are you kidding me?
You never told me
you had a twin sister
No, no, I mean, she's...
Identical or fraternal?
Nocturnal, like a bat.
I'll pack my stuff up, man.
How we doing in here?
Hey, what happened?
Aunt Jill checked to see
if any boys liked her.
The blinking thing
never blinked.
Oh, that's awful.
If people could only see
how good she can
open a pickle jar...
Yeah, I know.
You're right.
Okay, see you guys.
Okay, where do I find
desperate guys'?
Twitter, Maxim,
Craigs list.
Oh, yeah.
Casual Encounters.
All right, savages, get ready.
Anyone wanting
to meet a nice...
No, I need someone immediately.
Not "nice."
Um... Anyone wanting to meet
a sexy gymnast model...
No, I can't lie so much.
A hot...
Hi, Poopsie.
Yeah, "hot" works.
Personal masseuse...
Oh. I pull really hard.
Watch your mother.
She's going to have relief.
Mmm-hmm. What happened?
Is she sleeping or something?
One dollar. Good luck to you.
One dollar's the winner!
For the night of your life,
go to Manilow
at mySoul-Mate.net.
Oh, man, I'm really
throwing her to the wolves.
But it has to be done.
We're not going to tell
anyone about this, are we'?
Where were you?
I trust you can
keep a secret, kid!
You guys!
You guys!
Are you sitting down'?
I got over 100 responses
on the computer!
Look at Miss Popular,
all of a sudden.
I mean, some of them
are weirdoes,
but some of them are so nice!
I wrote one guy back,
and we're going out tonight!
Oh, my God!
Whoa! I love it!
Oh, my God!
I'm so scared. I don't know
what I'm going to wear.
Oh, I'll help you.
I'll help you.
I'm freaking out.
I feel like Julia Roberts
in that movie.
Pretty Woman.
No, no, no, the one
where she's a hooker.
What's the name of that one?
Uh, Pretty Woman? No, no, no!
Why are you saying that?
No, the other one.
What's the matter with you?
What's she going to wear?
What are you
going to wear, Daddy'?
In Hell.
Shut up.
This is like waiting
for the queen.
Yeah, yeah. Well, let's see
what's taking her so long.
Go up there, speed her along.
Come on, go, go, go.
I'm answering it!
Funbucket's here!
Oh, tell him
I'm not ready!
Tell him I'm not home!
She'll be right down.
No! No, it won't zip!
It won't zip!
Are you Funbucket?
Yeah, that's me.
You don't look like
a Funbucket.
I was picturing someone
more fun or buckety.
You're not the crazy,
hot masseuse, are you?
I want you to tell me
right up front,
'cause if you are,
I'm not paying for dinner.
Come here.
If you mention Craigslist
to her or do anything
that hurts her,
I will stick my foot...
Somewhere in the night,
we will know
Everything lovers can know
You're my song
Music too magic to end
I'll play you
over and over...
So, yeah, you know what?
I'll be up-front with you.
I live in the Bronx and
I don't have any children.
In all honesty,
the clock's ticking,
so if dinner works,
we got to get to work.
I'm kidding you.
I just said that 'cause
I'm very nervous right now
and I just keep
talking so much.
My mouth is moving.
I don't even realize
how much it's moving.
It's... I'm not even feeling it.
It's cottony.
So, is this your first date
on mySoul-Mate.net?
Assuming it's really happening
and not some sort of
terrifying nightmare.
I know.
What do you do for a living'?
Don't tell me. I don't want...
I want to play 20 Questions.
Remember that game?
When we were little?
20 Questions?
Okay, first question.
Animal, mineral...
I'm going to go
to the bathroom.
See you.
Um, should I take away
your salads?
Oh, I think he's just waiting
for his to cool off.
So, we'll just, um...
Just a few more minutes.
Thank you.
Hello? Hello?
Funbucket? Funbucket?
He must have gone out
to get some air.
Good job.
You're alive!
How did it go?
Oh, it was... It was fine.
He didn't try anything funny
with you, did he'?
No, no.
Does he want to go out again?
Is he your prince?
Are you his princess?
Did he ask
for your number?
Did he kiss you good night?
Oh, will you
kids stop it already?
It was just a date!
Why do you put so much
pressure on me?
Why are
there so many stairs?
I miss your old chandelier!
No one's ever going to love me!
I'm a loser!
Oh, my God, I'm an idiot.
Why are you an idiot?
Busted, disgusted,
never to be trusted.
Hi, Jill.
It's okay, it's...
We've all had bad dates.
He was such a...
I thought he was cool
for a second.
Jack feels like
you deserve to go out
with a guy
who treats you right.
So guess who is taking you
to the Lakers game
tomorrow night.
Hairfingers23 from
the computer?
No, actually, I'm your date.
I love that, Pagogo!
Ook maga do do!
That sounds great.
Finally some twin time.
Oh, pali wali, zoom gali gali.
That means, "I want to
choke on my own vomit."
Does it?
L... I'm a little rusty.
I don't remember everything.
Oh, my God, look at these guys.
They're huge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're too big.
It's freaky. Will you stop'?
It's weird. Stop it.
No, it's...
Where do they buy pants'?
Just please keep walking.
I'm sorry.
It's like
nuclear-power-plant big.
That's... That's big.
John, we're so close here.
Hey. You got us in the game.
What's, uh...
What's going on
with the beard, man'?
I'm doing research.
I don't want to be
recognized, okay'?
Who is that?
Hey, Jill, don't go nuts,
but I'm gonna try
and talk to Al Pacino.
It's Pacino!
Al Pacino, the movie actor?
Yes, yes, stay calm.
What do you think
people are thinking here,
that I'm sitting with my rabbi?
Hey, guys, big game tonight.
Yeah. How you doing, Johnny'?
How are you? Huge fan.
Good to see you. Thank you.
And, uh, Mr. Pacino,
I actually met you one
time at a movie premiere.
He's thirsty.
It was Cats & Dogs 3,
and we were sitting
in the same row.
One of your kids
knocked over your popcorn,
and I gave you mine.
And you called me "Popcorn"
the rest of the night.
Yeah, nice to see you again.
Hey, what's with the beard?
You look a little
like Bin Laden.
I was kind of thinking Castro, myself.
No, no, it's like
the cough drops guy,
the Smith Brothers.
Who is that?
Is that your wife'?
No, no, no, that's
my sister Jill.
She's in from the Bronx.
Hey, Al, do you think
you'd ever...
What's that?
You're from the Bronx?
Yeah, born and bred.
Throggs Neck, the nice part.
Al, I got a question for you,
and I know it's a long shot.
Well, I'm from the Bronx.
Oh, okay. Did you know that?
Yeah, to be honest, I don't
know much about you.
I haven't seen
a lot of your movies,
but I hear you're very serious.
Well, you know... Okay.
Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here?
Have you seen him?
Do you know him?
I'm sorry, who-crest?
Al, would you ever
consider doing a...
Eh, who is your friend?
Was he in Duran Duran?
Were you in Duran Duran?
Yes. Yes, I was.
So, tell me, how long are
you gonna be in L.A.?
Oh, my God.
Is that John Stamos? Who?
Pagogo, Pagogo, let's
go before he gets away!
I want to see him
up close! Please!
Oh, so, Al,
I'm gonna get a hold
of your agent, if that's cool.
Time to play ball.
When's the marching band
come out?
Uh, that's not going to happen.
Here we go. Here we go.
Kobe Bryant!
Compliments of Mr. Pacino.
What's this?
I can't believe this.
This is insane, man!
You got to call him!
Oh, cool your buns.
You know I'm still hurting from
the whole Funbucket fiasco.
No, but Pacino liked you!
I swear to God,
he really liked you!
Oh, will you stop already?
You know all he wants to do is
play Twister with your sister.
Jill, will you just
do this for me?
You know, maybe I'll be ready
to date again in a few weeks.
We'll sit and talk about
it on New Year's.
New Year's?
But you're not gonna
be here on New Year's,
'cause that's
after our birthday.
Which is when you're leaving.
Yeah. Uh, I guess so.
So, if New Year's comes up...
Just tell Jill that
one more passenger
on the cruise ship, it'll sink.
I'm not telling her that.
Tell her... You got
to tell her something.
I'm not having her
come to Europe.
It's the kids' first trip.
Hey, how are we doing in here?
It's 6:32.
Forty-three years ago at this
very time, you were born.
Happy birthday, Number One.
Okay, thank you.
Aw, happy birthday, you guys.
No, no, no, not yet, not yet!
I wasn't born yet. I'm 6:33.
I'm still 42, Erin. Oh, God.
So how does it feel, old man?
Getting rickety in the bones?
I'm so bummed that
you're leaving tomorrow.
I'm going to miss you.
Oh, yeah. Oh, God.
I'm going to miss...
I'm going to miss
you guys, too.
Especially on New Year's.
Get the violins going, yeah.
It's just, every year, I'd
go with Mom to Valentino's.
It's the restaurant, Erin,
where my mother met my father.
Oh, I knew that was
going to be big.
Don't throw it out.
We can make
a birthday candle with it.
Hey, we're only
I hope they sing
Happy Birthday to us.
Yeah, I hope we still have
our table there, Slick.
Why is it so dark in here?
Are we going to get
killed or something'?
Oh, my God.
Jack, we got you.
You are having a party for us?
Oh, coolness!
Every bodys here.
And I just had to meet
your twin sister.
Very nice to see you.
I mean, you guys
really do look alike.
I say that all the time.
He says no.
Jill, I want
to introduce you around.
This is
going to be a bad night.
This is going to be
an awful, awful night.
Really, it's fascinating.
So, how does it work,
Mr. Subway Sandwich?
Just, well, just tell me more.
Just Jared's fine.
Call you Jared? Okay, sure.
It's just,
To me, that seems too much,
almost like a job.
I couldn't do that.
I don't eat that many. No?
Okay, okay,
here's the situation.
You're here, there's
not a Subway in sight.
You're at a steakhouse
like this.
What do you eat?
What do you eat'?
I eat other things.
Oh, you do'?
You do'? I knew
you were cheating.
That's why there's so
much goo left on you.
I miss the old Jared,
the 400-pound Jared
that scared us.
I don't miss that one at all.
Well, I'm sure you don't.
But if he was around, he'd be with me
and not with the two hookers.
Well, yeah,
we love musicals.
You know what?
You're the Sham-Wow man, right?
Yeah. Funny story.
- Uh, Jack used to be a bed-wetter.
- No!
He could have used one
of these Sham-Wow things
his pee puddles.
Oh, there's Mr. Yellow Sheets!
Where you
going, Puddles?
All right,
nice to meet you all.
Am I crazy or is she hot?
You're crazy.
It's Jack with boobs.
Jack with boobs. That's right.
There he is!
Dude, did you set
this whole thing up'?
Yeah, we got through it, man.
It came out pretty dope,
I think.
It's amazing. Hey, Jill.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Come here for a sec.
Okay, nice to see you.
What's going on?
Did I ever tell you
Todd is an atheist?
A what?
Oh, God.
Have a great time, guys.
No. How could
there be a Grand Canyon
if God didn't exist?
That's a very good point.
I'm just saying,
you know, maybe...
Maybe God wouldn't have given you a
rat face if you believed in him.
I don't have a rat face.
Yes, you do have a rat face!
It's scary.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
This guy doesn't
believe in God?
No, no, I'm just saying
that there's not real proof.
Idiots like you
really make me mad!
Fight! Fight! Fight him!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Because I'm about
to US Open your skull!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Happy birthday to you
Happy birth...
Happy birthday, dear Jack...
And Jill
Happy birthday to you
Come on, make a wish,
you twins.
Okay, let's do it.
Where's the other cake?
There's not enough candles for both of us.
All right, Jill.
One cake's enough.
Make the wish.
Mom and Dad always
got us two cakes.
Made us both feel special.
I don't think Mom and Dad
would like this.
Make the wish already!
I'm hungry!
Will you stop already?
Blow out the candles.
Funny meeting you here.
Don't be startled.
It's only me.
It's always the same thing.
It's L.A.
I never know where I am.
It's a wilderness here.
I mean, in the Bronx,
you got the streets,
you got the numbers.
You got 187th, 188th.
Yeah, right, in order.
It follows in sequence.
Here, you got the palm trees,
and they all look alike.
I have no idea where we are.
You really don't? I don't.
Lucky... Lucky for us,
I got the panic button.
You have a panic button?
Yeah, and we'll soon find
out where we are, huh?
There we go. That's a house.
That's not a bakery.
Whether we go
in a bakery, a house,
what difference does it make?
It makes a difference!
What do you mean?
There's a bakery in the house.
Get out of town! Come on.
I'm not going to your house.
I want to see
a birthday cake soon
or I'm taking pepper spray out.
I'm not kidding.
O ye of little faith.
What is that, a Shakespeare'?
No, that was Jesus.
Okay, birthday girl.
Oh, my God. Here it is.
You name it,
Xavier, my guy, will bake it.
Oh, my God!
Look, I made her happy.
I love this!
made you happy...
To dream
the impossible dream
No. That? That's, uh,
Man of La Mancha.
They offered me the part of
Don Quixote on Broadway.
Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.
But, you know, I'm just,
uh, I'm not there yet,
so I'm mulling it over,
you know?
I love that. That's where the, uh,
man's in the tower ringing the bell'?
That's Quasimodo.
That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
See, this is Don Quixote.
Don Quixote meets
this, uh, fallen woman
who he thinks is his
lost love Dulcinea.
And he can't
straighten his back,
so he keeps ringing the bell.
And he has a sidekick.
It was a mouse.
Okay, moving on.
Listen, Bronx, I got a
birthday surprise for you.
Another one? Yeah.
It's my
original stickball stick.
Oh. Come with me a second.
Let me just eat some cake.
This is so good.
Leave it.
You've been eating enough.
We really have to stop now?
Oui, monsieur?
He's going to throw the ball,
and you are going to take this
stick with two hands, right?
And you're going to hit it.
Do I have to play
this weird game?
It's not weird.
Jill, it's in you.
It's in your DNA.
Just think Bronx.
Let it just float.
Okay, okay, okay...
Can you do me a favor
and not hold me like this?
All right. I'm just
trying to show you.
Okay, all you got to do is
make contact, that's all.
I feel like this is your game
and it's not my game.
If you want to play my game,
Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday.
Do you have that here?
That's coming.
Goobledy gibble globbity!
What language are you speaking?
Just throw it.
Oui, oui. Okay.
Come on, no batter here, pitcher!
No batter!
I just don't know
why we're doing this.
Oh! Whoa!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I am so sorry!
I'm sure you have
others, though.
Uh, you'd think it, but,
uh, oddly enough, I don't.
But I have you.
You don't have me. I...
I'd rather have you.
I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
I just... I had fun,
but I'm so tired.
It's 8:30 in the morning,
my time.
Do you know what time
it is for me?
It is time for my salvation.
Because finally,
I found the one woman,
with all her rough-hewn charm,
who will lead me back...
to sanity.
You're sick.
You're a sweetie.
I saw what you were doing
with the stick
and it was gross.
Thank you, Sabaday.
Wait a minute, where do
you think you're going?
I'm not your wham-bam-eggs-
and-ham type.
But you don't have a car.
Why are you ignoring me?
What happened to me?
What's this?
Help me!
Where were you?
What do you mean?
I was here, bird.
Miss Jill?
What you doing out here'?
I stayed out here because I
didn't want to go in the house.
And Erin tried to make me
come back in and I wouldn't.
He yelled at me
'cause I rejected Al Pacino.
Well, if you need something to
do, I'm just fixing the timer
and heading off to
a big family picnic.
We play soccer, eat,
steal white people's wallets...
What did you say?
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
We don't eat.
Oh, stop it.
Why won't you help me?
What are you doing?
Put Poopsie down!
It flew in my bread.
Hey, Rosa!
This is my friend, Jill.
Hi. That's my father,
my mama, my brother Juan,
my other brother Juan,
Juan Jr.,
my sister Juanita,
my grandma Juangelina,
and that... I'm kidding!
I was going to say,
that's a lot of Juans!
We're not
all named Juan.
Hey, nios!
Look, these are my kids.
Jos, Jos Jr. Y Josefina
They are beautiful.
Hi. Hi.
They all look like
my wife, thank God.
Your wife'? I need to meet her.
Where is she?
Well, she passed away
four years ago.
I'm so sorry.
I lost my mother recently.
No, that's all right.
I love talking about my wife.
And I know she's up there
sneaking into Heaven right now.
It's a joke! It's a joke!
Your father's bad.
He's bad! He's very bad!
Ready for the best
Mexican food you ever had'?
I never had Mexican food.
I'm sorry. It's not my fault.
Uh, they don't
serve it at my deli.
Well, today is your lucky day.
Taste. Cool.
That's chile relleno.
It looks like a knish.
Never had Mexican food.
It's very, very good.
I'm kidding. Are you okay'?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Heads up.
What is this thing?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
It's too hot.
Just like you.
Oh, Felipe, easy.
Come on, Jill!
Come on!
Get Jill out there!
Come on, Jill, run!
Jalapeos. Jalapeos.
Okay, this is yours.
What happened?
Jalapeos! Jalapeos!
Did I get it?
Go! Run!
Shoot that! Shoot that!
It's not a guy.
Felipe, I love it!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, Mr. Popcorn.
Is that Al Pacino?
Are you kidding me?
How you doing?
Listen, I got a little
something here
for Ms. Sadelstein.
My God, she's not
here right now.
Oh, that's our loss, isn't it?
Have you any idea when she
might be coming home'?
Hopefully soon.
You know what, I hope so.
I'm waiting on her, too.
And I wanted to tell you, Al,
if she wasn't receptive
the other night...
Oh, my God!
I know she's in here, Popcorn.
How'd you get over the fence?
Jill, come on!
You want me to get you
something to eat or...
All I want to do
is make you happy!
Uh-huh. I want to see you.
I want to know that you exist.
That I'm not just
imagining you!
Al, she really isn't here.
Uh, for real
This it? Yeah.
She sleeps here?
She does. She sleeps there.
Ooh, God, sorry you
have to see that.
She sleeps with someone?
No, no, no, no, that's a bird.
That's not a human.
No problems.
Look at this.
Isn't that something? Yeah.
How does this happen?
Al, I wouldn't lay there.
That's not, uh...
She leaves an after-scent.
Hey, Popcorn, you know,
you're not really giving me
any confidence here.
About what? Where is she?
Al, I don't know where...
Where you hiding her?
She's coming back,
she just is not
here right... Hey, Jill!
Lot of places to hide.
Hey, Jill!
Al, she's coming back,
I swear to you.
She got an 8:00 flight
tonight, so I promise.
What? She's leaving'?
Come here.
Come to you?
Yeah, come, come.
We gotta talk.
You want to turn my name into
some coffee-drink
chocolate-doughnut thing'?
Well, yeah.
Tastefully, though. I think...
Then you get me the girl.
Get you the girl?
Get me the girl.
"Get" is a strong word.
'Cause this is my sister
we're talking about.
You don't understand!
Well, I want to understand.
You don't understand!
Go ahead, go ahead.
Tell me what I need to know.
Your sister and I... Yeah?
We grew up on the same streets.
We breathed the same Bronx air.
Yes, yes, yes.
When I look at her, I see me.
When I look at her,
I see me, too. Just...
I know what you mean.
I see what I was.
I'm lost, Popcorn.
I am.
I go visit my kids,
I can't find them.
Lend up talking to lemon trees.
You know what? I'm lost now.
What does...
Jill... Yes?
Is going to get me there.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just want a shot.
You understand?
Let's get you a shot.
Only way to get you a shot
is to have my sister stay
even longer out here,
which is amazing news for me.
It's so warm to
be the holiday season.
But thank you.
I really had an amazing time.
Too bad you're
taking off tonight.
I... Well, I have to.
He's abusive to me.
Not physically, 'cause I would
hurt him, but mentally.
And, it's time to go. I know.
Maybe next time you're...
Maybe next time you're
here, if you ever...
Yes? That's... What?
If I ever what?
Well, maybe next time
you're here, if...
Your engine...
Your engine seems to be...
It's a diesel truck,
I'm guessing, right'?
No. Uh...
If you ever want to see
a movie or something...
Oh, my God.
Okay. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, just hold the thought.
I have... I have to go!
I have to really go!
What did I say'?
Oh, no, it's not you,
it's the chimichangas!
They're making a run
for the border!
Oh, you're throwing
chimichanga bombs?
Oh! Oh, God!
Jill, where were you?
Aw, she's not talking
to us still, I guess.
I am not talking to you!
I am talking to Erin!
Erin, I got to go make
some chocolate squirties!
Oh, God!
Oh! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
Oh, please get there. Yes.
Hey, Jill, can I talk
to you for a second?
No! My bags are packed
and there's nothing left to...
I spent the day
at Felipe's picnic,
where I finally felt welcome.
By everybody.
I tried this new food
for the very first time.
I'm guessing Mexican?
Yes, Mexican,
Mr. Food Detective!
And Felipe treated me like a...
What, is Evel Knievel
doing wheelies in there?
Hey, so I just wanted to
talk to you about last night
and everything, and...
Oh, my God.
Wow, I, uh...
I was thinking about last night
and all that stuff
you were saying, and...
Are you hot or something?
I just have to, uh...
God Almighty!
I would love for you to
stay a few extra days.
No, I'm going home.
I already told them to turn
my electricity back on.
You can't be alone on...
You can't be alone
on New Year's.
Come on, that's just not right.
You want me to stay that long'?
I thought you were going
on your big cruise.
Jill, I want you to come
on the cruise with us.
Pagogo, I can't believe it.
Of course I'll come with you.
Thank you! Yes! I mean, of...
You want... Yes!
Yes! Oh... Oh, my God!
Poopsie, Poopsie, we're
cruising through Europe!
Welcome to Royal
Caribbean International.
Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Oh, Poopsie, we're not
in the Bronx any more.
This boat has everything!
Oh, my God!
What took you so long to pick up'?
Jack, Pacino's called
here three times.
What do you want me to tell the
Dunkin' Donuts people, all right'?
We got five days, Jack, to get
Scarface or they move on.
I know, I know.
Oh, my God!
There's a pool on a boat?
Do you want me to get AI
Pacino on the phone now'?
Tell Pacino I'll call him
tonight at 5:30, okay'?
And just one more thing.
Yeah, what?
God told me your feet were
on my desk, so get them off!
All you can eat.
Go for it, Poopsie.
Have a chocolate bath.
Where were you?
Oh! All right, it's 5:30.
I got to make a call. To who?
Uh, I got one last business
call to make and then
that's it for me.
I love you. Be back.
Amongst this princely heap,
if any here,
by false intelligence...
Hold me a foe
if I unwittingly...
or in my rage, committed
aught that is hardly borne
by any in this princely
presence, I do reconcile
myself to his friendly peace.
'Tis death to me
to be at enmity,
and desire all good men's love.
Where were you, Popcorn?
What do you mean? It's 5:30.
No, no, it's 9:30 my time.
I was waiting for you at 5:30.
Oh, it's four hours
the other way.
I just... I got confused. I...
Okay, whatever,
whatever, whatever.
What's going on?
How's she doing'?
We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along.
That's how we're doing.
Coming along?
What does that mean, "coming along"?
- What does that mean?
- Come on, wrap it up!
It means we're getting there.
We just need
a little more time.
Put her on the phone.
I want to hear her voice.
Ah, she's not here right now.
This reminds me of that
boat movie with Leonardo.
- Titanic?
- No, the one with the iceberg.
Who is that?
That was, uh, Poopsie.
Why won't you let me talk...
Hey, can you... You got to be quiet.
I can't hear him!
All right? Please. Please!
Yeah, listen,
you get me this girl,
or you don't get that Dunkaccino
commercial, you understand?
Don't you know me?
Don't you know
I would use all my power,
all the power I have,
to keep a commercial
like that from happening'?
Don't you know that?
Is he seriously breaking
out The Godfather?
I swear to God,
I'm going to cry.
Put her on!
Put her on!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
Hang on for a second.
I'll put her on.
Jill, my darling,
just to hear your voice.
What are they doing?
Why are they trying to keep us apart?
Nobody's keeping
me apart from anybody.
I'm my own person.
You remember that.
Oh, I know
you're your own person.
Nobody's like you.
Would you like
a little privacy?
I could finish up for you.
No, no, it's okay. It's okay.
Nobody wants to see you.
But thanks, anyway.
Can you meet me
when you dock in Spain'?
But what about
your Shakespeare show'?
Don't you have that to do?
You kidding? This is L.A.
They got Bruce Jenner
playing Lord Rivers.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Darling, put your brother on.
Okay. Here he is.
Hello. Jack's back.
Popcorn, we did it! We did it!
I'm coming,
I'm coming to get her!
You're coming to get her?
She just said, "I don't think so," I thought.
I can smell horny
across an ocean.
Here's how
it's going to go down.
top deck, portside.
I'll be there.
Audience, could you
tell me where I was?
"But he, poor soul."
But he, poor soul,
by your first order died.
Good afternoon, passengers.
Hope you all are enjoying our
Royal Caribbean activities.
And for those of you
going ashore later,
we will be arriving in
beautiful Majorca by sunset.
Come on, sweetie. Go!
Jump! Jump!
Oh, no, no, she's good.
Pagogo, why don't these guys
know how to jump rope?
Why didn't you teach them?
We were the double dutch
kings in our neighborhood,
and these guys can't
do a single wing-ding.
Daddy, you know
how to jump rope'?
No, I don't know
how to jump rope
Your father likes to pretend
his life started in California.
We were champs.
Everyone loved us in the neighborhood.
Come on, Daddy, please.
No. No, no. Bring it over here!
CiCi, Rodney, kick it!
Get up here. Get up here.
I, uh...
Do it, do it. Yes!
Let's go! Come on!
Here's the twin power.
Bring it!
Oh, my God. Okay.
Do "The Mummy."
Come on, turn up the heat.
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme
That's right on time
It's tricky, tricky, huh! I
That was all your father.
That was you!
You were great, Pokee.
Now she's Pokee?
She's always been Pokee.
I was thinking,
tonight, portside,
you could go on that deck,
check out the stars,
put on something gorgeous,
'cause there might be
a handsome surprise
waiting for you.
Oh, really? You going to
introduce me to my Mr. Right?
Uh, maybe.
Oh, really?
It's not Al Pacino, is it?
Why, is it Al Pacino?
No, no, it's not.
'Cause that would just
hurt me at this point.
But it's not, so...
Treating me like some sort
of prosti-twin, that's bad.
It's not. It's not. It's not.
It's not, all right?
All right! Then why are
you getting so angry?
Why are you so annoying?
What? Jack!
Why would you say that?
We were just having fun!
We never have fun when you're around!
I'm sorry!
Oh, no, no! You... This is you, man!
This is on you! Go, go!
You're out of your mind!
You're out of your mind!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Let's see. Pit stain.
Pit stain.
I don't know what that is.
Okay, clean.
You tell anybody, I will
fry you up and eat you.
All right, where is he, man?
He said portside, I'm portside.
Where am I supposed to be?
Cheesecake! Huh!
Oh! Holy crap!
Just climb on
the ladder, there!
Don't you think maybe
you should land that thing?
That would be easier for me!
It's safer to hover!
Yeah! Whoa!
Xavier, look at her go!
Ho! Lam back!
Seorita, I was gone too long?
No, not at all.
It's, uh...
Really good to see you again.
So, what is different about
you tonight? I don't know.
Nothing. No, no, no, no.
There's something...
Did you drop some weight'?
Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner.
Yeah, I think so.
That's probably
what you're seeing.
I think you're more
feminine or something.
A little more... Less muscular.
I don't agree, but, uh... Okay.
Gloobledy globble bibbly blop.
Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip.
Hibbledy globb, shoelace
This is the heavy, hard stuff
or how are we doing here?
What is this?
One for the lady.
Qu lindo!
That's enough for me.
Who's Poopsie?
I keep hearing,
"Poopsie, Poopsie."
Poopsie is my bird.
I used to raise pigeons.
Really? Yeah.
No, I'm sorry. That was Brando.
Are you ticklish?
Oh! I said I'm not, so...
No, no, it's just that
Stella Adler, the great acting
teacher, once wrote in a book,
the only way you can really get
to know somebody is if you,
uh, watch their behavior
when they're being tickled.
Would you do me the honor
and just lift up
those girlie arms'?
I just haven't shaved under
there in many, many years.
You don't want to see that.
We're in Europe.
It doesn't matter.
I think even here, they might
be, like, "What is that?"
No, no, not here.
Give me a try.
Okay, so, here we go.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Look at us.
All right!
Stop it! What?
What was that?
Just... I don't really...
I didn't like that.
I'm sorry. That was powerful.
And it just came out
of you like, "Boom!"
You know, what?
We're better with just... Oh!
Whoa. Whoa!
I don't even know
where Jack is right now.
He's avoiding me.
That's where he is.
Can I work in with you guys?
Sure. Knock yourself out.
I think he hates
'cause I talk so much.
It bothers him, you know?
But when I'm in the Bronx,
I have no one else
to talk to but Poopsie,
so when I'm around other humans, I...
I tend to blab a lot.
No, you don't. I do, I do.
Will you throw
a couple more 45s on'?
Erin, he was being
so nice to me,
and then I had to
bring up the Pacino thing,
because. I don't know.
I do that. It's just 'cause
I'm insecure, you know'?
I feel like the only reason
he brought me on this cruise
is for some Pacino-related
and it just gets in my head.
He told me he wanted you
to come on this cruise
because he didn't want you to
spend your first New Year's Eve
without your mom alone.
He said that?
Oh, my God, that
means so much to me.
Why didn't I use my twin
powers to know that?
Do they not work when
you're out of the country'?
Maybe they don't.
That's why he was mad!
'Cause he was being good to me, and I...
I did what I did
and I'm a jerk,
and I have to call him.
And I'm gonna straighten the
whole family vacation out,
- I promise. This is so cool!
- Push!
Push! Push harder!
I was pushing it!
Hey! Hey!
All right! Al Pacino!
Al, Al Pacino!
Al Pacino!
Now you got it!
All right, let's have...
Here you go!
Boom! Ah, yeah!
Oh, I always come on the short end of that.
I'm getting a call.
Hello. Hello?
I don't understand.
Are you mocking
my voice right now'?
No, no, no, I'm not.
I... I can't talk right now.
Okay, don't talk, then.
Just listen.
I just want
to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm the reason
we're fighting right now.
And... And I never
thank you enough
for doing all you do
for me, so thank you.
Who is that, your brother? Yeah.
Who is that, Jack?
That's, uh...
It's... It's nobody!
Hey, Popcorn,
we're having fun here!
Are you with Al Pacino?
No, no, I'm not! I just...
I said I can't talk
right now, weirdo!
Please tell me you're not doing
what I think you're doing.
I said I can't talk,
so I'm hanging up!
Jack, speak in
your regular voice
or I'll know the real reason
why you brought me
on this cruise.
I can't always do what you want
when you want it! Bye!
I mean, come on!
Hey, what's
Popcorn's problem'?
Mayor McCheesy doesn't
like his new script'?
Oh, get over yourself.
My brother's very good
at what he does.
He's going to write a book
one day, you'll see.
Oh, yes, he's an author.
I forgot, that's right.
He's got a whole novel in him
about Desenex foot powder.
Ooh! Oh!
So funny.
Okay. Yes.
Oh, that's the Bronx girl
coming back.
Now, you take back what
you said about Pagogo!
Go ahead, do it.
Defend the honor
of that self-deluded,
sycophantic, bitter hack.
Are you okay? Get off of me.
Okay. It's not okay.
I'm sorry.
I know... What could I do?
You know, you had that, uh...
You had a broken bottle
and were coming at me.
Yeah, yeah, well,
get away from me.
All right.
Just let me breathe for a second.
I just... I need my own space.
Back up.
Okay, all right, I'm backing up.
Back up! All right!
Oh, geez. Hey...
You don't hit a girl
with a chair on the first date!
It's amazing
the way you stick up
for your brother. It's just...
Well, I got to do that.
Don't I at least owe him that?
'Cause all I ever do is take things
from him and ruin things and...
Well, that's his point
of view, you know.
I mean, that's the way
he makes you see yourself.
You want to know what I see?
Yes, I want to
know what you see.
You can get any girl
in the world,
and why would you want me?
Answer that. It makes no sense.
Well, I see an angel
with a broken wing.
I see a brother who
all he got all his life
was everything.
All the glory,
all the accolades,
everything since they were two.
I... I see a girl
who wants recognition
but just never gets it,
yet she has a heart so big,
she finds happiness
in seeing her brother
receive it all.
Yeah, yeah, but come on,
aren't I a pain in the butt?
I mean, don't I
annoy everybody?
You got so much love
in you, Jill,
so much to give.
You just need someone
to give it to.
To dream
The impossible dream
To fight
The unbeatable foe
To bear with
unbearable sorrow
You are Dulcinea from the
Broadway play they offered me
and I am the Man of La Mancha.
You got me there.
I'm taking the part!
What about my brother?
What do I do? What do I say'?
Ah, your brother.
Oh, I don't know there's
much you can do about him.
I mean, not that
he doesn't love you.
He loves you, I'm sure, but
it's a kind of deathbed love,
the kind of love he'll look
back on when it's too late.
Hey, listen, I'm gonna
do Man of La Mancha.
No, no, no, I got to fix it.
I got to fix it now,
now I got to fix it.
Hey, where are you going?
Back to the ship.
Would you stay if I did
your brother's commercial'?
Oh, the heck with
that commercial.
I'm going to see my womb-mate.
Come on,
come on, pick up the phone.
You have
reached the voice mailbox of...
What is this? How do you...
To leave
a voice message, press one.
Oh, God.
Jill, open up!
Um, what are you wearing?
You were with Al Pacino,
weren't you?
Wow, you're good.
Jill was right.
You are a weirdo.
I know I am.
Where is she? Where's Jill?
She went home,
and nowl know why.
She went home?
Oh, God, what am I going to do?
Good-bye, good-bye
Good-bye, my love
I can't hide
Can't hide
Can't hide what has come
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
I have to go
And leave you alone
But always know
Always know
Going in alone is fine,
Mom, and I'm not alone.
I'm with you.
Hey, well, guess what,
I'm not wearing underwear.
It's New Year's Eve.
Let's have some fun.
Yo, you guys.
Is that Jill Sadelstein?
She was absolutely
the biggest loser
in our high school.
I mean, didn't she marry that
bird and move to the jungle?
OMG, she's here alone tonight.
The loserness continues.
Hey, Jill.
Oh, hey! Happy New Year, guys
Where you been hiding, hon?
I was visiting my brother
for Thanksgiving, and he...
I just decided to stay out
there with him for a while.
Yeah, he must have loved that.
For your information, Carol,
he begged me to stay,
but I'm just too exhausted
from being on game shows
and dating movie stars.
Oh, who'd you hook up
with, Rob Schneider?
I like him.
God, you're hot.
You know, I don't like
to kiss and tell,
but I was with Sir Al
Pacino for a whole night.
Aw, honey, it must
not have worked out
since you're all alone tonight.
Yeah. Aren't you'?
She's not alone.
She's with her family.
Jack? Jill.
What are you doing here?
That's Jack.
I just... I realized
there's something that I...
I want to tell you so much.
I just... I don't
know how to say...
Ook maga do do, Pokee.
Oh, my God.
Ook maga do do blarda,
blarda, blarda.
Mama Pandoree bon Papa
Pandoree long bada-bada.
Bada-Bada, I know.
Pagogo Tu lray
Nah ee Pokee Para mee.
But most important,
Bongi que Mahjongee.
Of course, I love those guys.
Bongi para rumpernickel
That's freaking beautiful.
It's just
Just beautiful.
Para Kaya!
Ook maga do do.
Coodlee me, coodlee me.
I'm so happy, so happy...
Thank you.
So, what, are you,
like, his wife?
Is that Monica?
Yeah. Hi, I'm... I'm Erin.
Nice to meet you.
Well, I guess he settled
for second best.
Because I dumped his sorry
butt in high school.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, Erin.
They used to call her
"The Cheese Tray"
'cause she got passed
around at all the parties.
Oh, we're getting busy.
I'm right here.
What are you doing?
What did I do?
Don't you touch
my sister-in-law.
Knock her out,
Jill, knock her out!
Oh, my God! You okay?
Prepare to do battle.
Oh, my God,
is that Colonel Sanders?
Al, what is this?
Why do you look like that?
He... He's doing
Man of La Mancha now,
so he always stays
in character.
Al, I'm so sorry.
I thought I made it clear,
we're not meant to be.
Pokee, Klapa!
It's not you, it's me.
Dulcinea. Yes?
Your purity befits a knight
more worthy than I.
Go to him.
He waits for you.
Pagogo, where's the knight?
You'll just have to see
Jill, come on.
There's a knight?
Oh, my God, there's a knight?
Yeah, yeah. There's a knight!
There's a knight!
Ah! It's a foul monster! Ah!
Al, that's a ceiling fan.
No, it's a whirling,
five-arm beast.
What is this?
What? Oh.
- She's going to show up.
- Wha... What the...
Felipe, what is this?
I don't understand.
What is going on here'?
What is happening? What...
Felipe, how did you do this?
What? This is... Jill.
Hi, guys, hi.
What are you doing here?
Jill, before you left,
what I was trying to tell you,
while you were dropping
chimichanga bombs...
That was awful, I'm sorry.
Is that you make me feel like,
like I just climbed out of
the trunk of my cousin's car
after driving 1,100 miles
across the border.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I was going to say, "He's
ruining the mood," but... Yeah.
But not about you.
I love you, Jill.
I... I love you.
You love me? Yeah, I love you.
Somebody loves me.
I love you, Jill.
Will you convert
to Judaism for me?
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
Oh, Felipe!
I love you, Jill.
All right, all right,
he said he loved you.
Don't kill him! Come on!
I love you.
What are you doing?
Jack, jump in here
and lay with me.
- Lay with me.
- Oh, just lay with Felipe.
Can't you do that'?
brewing at D'in' D.
Al Pacino!
It's not Al any more,
it's Dunk.
Dunk Accino?
Don't mind if I do.
What's my name?
It's a whole new game
You want creamy goodness,
I'm your friend
Say hello
to my chocolate blend
Attica, hoo-wah, latte lite
This whole trial
is out of sight
They pulled me back in
with hazelnut, too
Caramel swirl...
l know it was you
Everyone wants my Dunkaccino
Can't get enough
of my Dunkaccino
Kids from seven
to seventeen-0
Lining up for my Dunkaccino
What's my name?
And, boom, there you have it.
It's actually 32 seconds,
so I got to lose two seconds.
Maybe you can tell me what,
what part you would lose,
but I think we are
getting there.
Burn this.
I'm sorry?
This must never
be seen by anyone.
If you didn't like all those
close-ups, we can, we can...
This is not the final cut.
There's no doubt,
we can, we can...
All copies.
Destroy them.
You want me to play it again?
Has anybody seen this?
Nobody has seen this.
They have to be found
and talked to.
All right, to be honest,
I showed my wife.
She couldn't believe...
No good, no good.
So I used to be fatter,
and so what he would do...
Picture him way bigger, like...
So what would happen is we'd
get together on Thanksgiving.
He'd kind of gather
the family around,
and, and so I would have to go,
"This is me before
Ultra Slim Fast."
"And this is me now!"
And everybody
would laugh at him
and he'd go cry
in the other room.
I'm Larry, this is
my brother Dave.
We used to be triplets,
but he ate the other one.
Let me tell you, I don't,
I don't really like getting
into fights with him
because I really...
I don't like closing
my fist on him,
so when we get into fights,
we look like sissies
when we fight each other.
You know, 'cause I don't,
I don't really like...
It's kind of that...
The schoolyard fight
when you see two girls.
She's my baby girl,
she knows that.
We're like a husband-and-wife
We fight and then we come together.
That's sick, okay?
I mean, not in a sick way.
You shouldn't say that
like that, that's sick.
Not in a sick way.
I don't like my brother.
I have a deep, intense
dislike for my brother.
He's a bad guy.
I know what the problem is.
He didn't say anything
about it, did he?
He don't like the mustache
'cause he can't grow one.
Well, usually, when we
celebrate a birthday,
usually it's more
than one cake.
It's four cakes.
It's usually four.
Yeah. It's usually four cakes.
There's right hand, left
hand, right hand, left hand.
Or one for me and one for him
and two for his girlfriend.
Yeah, yeah.
She was actually living in L.A.
And I was in Kentucky doing
the race at that moment.
I was tired. Yeah.
'Cause I did not
train properly.
And I started feeling,
like, these pains
or something like that, and
it was, like, weird, so...
So, yeah. I mean, that's my
part of, like, ESPN or ESP.
Whatever it's called. It's ESP.
Okay, whatever.
ESPN is the network for sports.
You figure it out.
Well, you know,
I'm married, so...
Yeah, we don't
have girl issues.
Yeah, well, I...
Sometimes, though,
I do try to hook him up
with someone.
I mean, if they come up to me
and they're like, they like
me, I'm like, "Oh, sorry,"
and then I'm like, "Hey,
look at this guy, though."
And so, I mean, he's kind
of like the backup twin.
I don't care, I take it.
I said, "Look, dude,
I don't think I can..."
"I don't think
I can go on this date,"
"but I can't,
can't break the date."
"'Cause, you know,
it's got to happen,"
"it's got to happen tonight."
I said, "Well,
Rog, you know..."
You said... What'd you...
What'd you tell me?
"How does the girl look?
How does she look?"
I said, "Dude, she's
a 10, she's hot."
"She's hot?" "She's hot."
I said, "Well,
you know, send me."
"I'll put, I'll put her on
ice for the night, you know."
"Send me out, I'll make sure
everything's good for you,"
"you know, and you'll be
good to go next week."
So I did.
He went out with the girl.
It was smooth, right?
She... I think she fell in love
with him on the first date.
What's funny is, my brother
ended up dating this girl
for, like, four...
What, like three and a half years?
Yeah, it was like
three and a half years.
She never knew we switched
on the very first date.
She said, "The best time of
my life was the first date."
There you go.
I was like, "Oh, come on."
Growing up with long
hair, full Afros.
Oh, yeah, fine,
with some platform shoes,
something you'd remember.
You stole my good pair.
All right, let's move,
let's move.
It's tricky, it's tricky
Tricky, tricky, tricky
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme
that's right on time
It's tricky
T-T-T- Tricky, tricky, tricky
It's tricky to rock a rhyme
To rock a rhyme
that's right on time
It's tricky, tricky, huh! I
The best thing about being
twins is, when I fall,
when I feel sad, Elijah
just picks me right back up
and that's just helpful to me.
Love my twin. Love my twin.
Love you, sis. Love you.
I love us.
You smell.
I love this guy.
I can't imagine life without my brother.
But we love each other.
Yeah, but we love each other, right, okay.
You're my only friend.
That's so sad.
It was cool, man.
I love my brother
I love you, man.
No matter how bad he is, no
matter what he does wrong,
he's still my brother
and he's still number one.
Without a twin
you're useless.
We're good to go. Triplets? No.
No, nah. Nasty, ugly.
Uh-uh, finite. Uh-uh.
No, done. No, we're done.
Twins. Yes.
Keep 'em. Let's go.
I got to get this pin...