1
Hey, guys.
Welcome to another edition
of J-J-J-J, J-TECH!
J-TECH.
A vlog specializing in reviewing
new consumer technologies.
Self-help is a big business
right now.
Uh, ones that help you with self
confidence, anxiety, insomnia.
A little, uh, drug addiction...
And there's apps out there for people who
think they've been abducted by aliens.
And there's tracking
devices in their brain.
It's called the Alien
Brain Scan app.
You should check it out.
It's totally weird.
However, I did find one app
that kinda stood out to me.
Unlike the other apps, which are
designed to solve a specific problem,
this claims that it can help
with an... an... with anything.
You just input your goal, and it sends you
a series of custom-tailored missions...
to help you accomplish it.
And what's really interesting
about it...
is an interactive feature...
interactive feature...
that allows you to keep track
of your progress...
by filming yourself
with your camera...
in order to help you
accomplish the mission.
The app is called I-Lived...
and I know it sounds a little
weird, but it's pretty cool,
and it's really fun
and easy to use.
So, here is the app,
which is bright and positive...
and has a guy jumping into
action with the tag line,
"You Haven't Lived
Until I-Lived."
Whoa.
Thank God I found this thing, 'cause
I'm ready to finally start living.
Once you've downloaded the app
and signed the user agreement,
you are then prompted to answer a
series of questions about yourself,
much like you'd find
on any dating app or Web site.
Anyway, whether you decide
to answer the questions or not,
you are then asked
to input your goal.
And what's the most important thing
for a guy to have on the beach in LA?
That's right, a six-pack.
So I entered my goal. "I want a ripped
six-pack to share with the ladies."
And I received my first mission
via text message...
that read, "Welcome aboard."
You have started your journey to acquiring
a six-pack to share with the ladies."
Oh, yeah. It is on.
So, I set up the camera
on my phone,
and began filming myself
performing each exercise.
That's me doing sit-ups,
jogging,
eating right.
Not only do I look like a bird,
now I have to eat like one, too.
Me want protein.
And now the moment of truth.
I took a picture of myself
before the program,
just to do a little
"before and after" comparison.
And here's my stomach right now.
Ugh!
Nothing.
Aw. Not even a three-pack.
This is a one-pack.
In fact, all that broccoli just
made me feel a little bit bloated,
and gave me some gas.
So, it was fun because
you get to film yourself...
and share your pathetic dreams and
subsequent struggles with the world.
But it's really
not that effective...
in actually helping improve
oneself.
That's why I'm gonna
give the app I-Lived...
two out of five stars.
It's not really worth it.
Shit.
What the hell?
I hope I saved all that.
Oh, shit.
Oh, that's today.
Damn it.
I see you haven't moved yet.
Any chance of you two kids
getting back together?
I don't think so.
You should give her a call.
Yeah. Uh, no.
She left me. Remember?
Well, maybe if you had a real job with some
security, instead of these start-ups...
Dad. Really?
We sacrificed a lot
to send you to Stanford.
And what are you doing with it?
There are no real good jobs.
So, you spend all your time online playing
with gadgets and-and video games.
You know I'm trying to start
my own tech company.
The Internet's a great place
to build a following.
And I'm reviewing apps because
they're popular right now,
and I can make tons of money
on YouTube.
Whatever.
Well, all I'm saying is that
you are wasting your talent.
Okay, I got it.
Okay, but don't forget
to pray for your mother.
Talk to you later.
You dare assault me?
You, who have done far worse
than I!
Fuck.
Hey. I'll be right out.
No, no, no. Hold up.
Check this out.
It's Mrs. Lee, your landlord.
Remember me?
I know your ugly ass
is in there.
You're not sneaky.
You're not gonna screw me,
you douche bag.
I can't believe she hasn't
evicted you yet.
I know. Thanks for changing your
mind at the last minute, dick.
I told you from the beginning I
wasn't sure if I could move in.
You can't afford that place, dude.
You don't have a job.
Duh, I know.
Can you stop texting
and watch the fucking road?
Look, man, do you know
how much time it takes...
to maintain three dating sites
at once?
I know. I should have never
introduced you to those.
Hey, speaking of which,
I owe you big time.
You know how many bitches
I've banged using this method?
The weird thing is
I kinda believe you.
And then I look at your face, and
I'm like, there's no fucking way.
Oh, there's a way.
I'm taking care of
your ass tonight, man.
I got a couple of, uh,
European chicks lined up.
You know what that means,
don't you?
- What?
- Anal.
You're sick.
Watch the road, watch the road!
I got it. Chill out, dude.
Anyway, I don't need your help,
'cause I've actually been bangin'
bitches on my own on the side.
Oh, is that right? Yeah, man.
You been bangin' bitches, huh?
Yeah, dude.
I've been, like,
fucking hard, dude.
Hard fuckin' 'em?
Dude, with my dick.
Wow. You've been fucking
girls with your dick?
Dude. Yep.
That's fucking great, man.
Gettin' it in, dude.
Puttin' it in 'em.
Puttin' it.
Can you name me one of these
girls that you put your dick in?
- Jill's been gettin' it.
- Jill?
Dude, she's... That's a
great made-up name.
No, she's been gettin'
the dick, dude.
You're doing your bobblehead thing.
It's like a woodpecker.
That's how I know you're lyin'.
All right, I...
I just don't want to get in
another relationship, okay?
I'm not talking about
relationships, dude.
I'm talking about getting
that scent back on you.
- What scent?
- The scent... of vagina.
Ugh. You're so creepy, dude.
It's the scent that lets ladies
know you don't need 'em.
Because you get laid all the time, man.
Bitches love that scent.
So, what we're gonna do
is we're gonna refocus.
We're gonna hook you up with a
couple of hotties tonight, man.
'Cause I swear to God, you could
do a lot better than that.
My ex was super cute.
No, she wasn't, man.
She had a big nose,
and... Fuck you, dude.
That was debatable.
Marie Helen.
Bonjour, mon petit poussin.
That means "little chicken."
It's French.
Yes, this is Bobby Yen. I'll
be there in a minute, baby.
Okay. Okay, bye.
Why are you talking
with a French accent?
Dude... I'm Filipino.
Oh. Where did you go?
I had to go to the bathroom.
I was takin' a piss.
You were gone for a while.
- Yeah, I take long, long pisses.
- Oh. That's...
You look great, by the way.
I love this.
Oh, thanks. It's a necklace.
Yeah, it's a great necklace.
Thank you.
- Anyways, where's your friend at?
- Oh, she got sick.
Hey, Josh.
The friend, she got sick. She's
not showin' up. I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm-I'm cool.
Don't worry about it.
We can get the fuck out of here
if you want.
- No, it's cool. You just owe me.
- We're cool?
Better, uh, watch out. Looks like
some guy's moving in on your turf.
All right.
Yo. What the hell is that?
Oh. Uh, nothing.
You just buy a girl
a drink, dude?
No. I drink these all the time.
Yeah, you did. Which one?
Ooh. She's hot.
Hey. Now's your chance.
Go get it.
No way. Did you see the way she
just dissed that Abercrombie guy?
I don't have a chance, man.
All those good-looking guys
are gay.
Now go over there and do your thing, man.
Be yourself.
Like a... like a cool version
of yourself. You know?
The sky's the limit, you're
the man, all that shit.
Go get it. Have fun.
I bet you're a Kamikaze girl.
Are you asking me
if I have a death wish?
No. What...
What? Like, the drink...
Like... Kamikazes?
No. Sorry.
Okay, sorry I asked.
What? That's it?
I'm sorry?
You said that already.
Right. Okay, uh, it's just a drink
that I thought you might enjoy.
That's... That's it.
You could just ask a girl.
Yeah, I could do that.
Or are you too macho?
You're the kinda guy who thinks
he knows what a woman wants.
- Do you like to take charge of a woman?
- No! It...
Wait a second,
is this a trick question?
Tricky question.
- Right. Okay.
- Um...
May I offer you ladies
a beverage this evening?
You're cute. I don't know.
What do you think?
- Come on.
- Mm-mmm, no.
All right.
Pull up a chair.
She has terrible taste in men.
I just want to say... Shh.
Good night, Josh.
Good night.
You are getting sleepy,
very sleepy.
All other noise
has been drowned out.
My stress is completely gone.
I'm about to fall asleep.
White Noise is the name of the app,
and it comes with a video option.
That's why I'm gonna give it
three out of five stars.
And now, I'd like to thank
all of you...
who've been liking me
on all the social networks,
and for all of you
new subscribers.
We're almost 300 strong.
That is awesome!
Dad, are you proud of me yet?
I'm doin' everything I can
out here in Hollywood.
I'm tryin' as hard as I can.
All right.
That's enough, Michael Caine.
And this brings me back
to the app...
that I reviewed
just several days ago.
I-Lived.
And I may have been
just a little bit too harsh...
in my first evaluation
because...
it's a lot more clever
than I initially thought, see?
It used the GPS on my phone to actually
track the bar that I was in...
to connect me with the one cute
girl that I had my eye on.
Not that the app
had anything to do...
with actually knowing
who that person was,
but it still gave me the courage
to step to that person.
Ja. Exactly.
So, here is a picture
of my cheating ex-girlfriend.
And here is a picture
of the girl...
that the app miraculously
got me talking to.
It's like one
is a Victoria's Secret model,
and the other one's a bitch.
So, that's why
I feel like this app...
deserves a little bit more
in-depth analysis,
or what I like to call
a J-TECH double take.
D-D-Double take. Double take.
The first thing I did
was click on the user reviews...
to see what others are saying
about the app,
and it linked back
to the Web site,
where I found a bunch
of actual testimonials.
This app has totally
changed my life.
When I started using it,
about, um, six months ago,
I was afraid of everything.
I was afraid of heights,
I was afraid of traveling,
and I just walked
over the Golden Gate Bridge.
Um, I've lived here
my whole life,
and I'm terrified of heights,
and I did it.
It changed me. I mean, it
totally changed my life.
All right.
Then there's this guy.
Whoo!
I'd always wanted to be a pilot,
so I got on I-Lived.
And now here I am,
landing a B-17!
And it's all because of I-Lived.
I-Lived.
Weird. There's a lot of
wackos using this thing,
just like every other app, but this actually
seems to be working for a lot of people.
So, I'm finally ready to start
taking this thing seriously,
and enter a new goal.
Make Greta...
my new girlfriend.
'Cause makin' out with a chick
in a bar is one thing,
but cl-cl-closing the deal
is a whole nother animal.
It could be a big job
for I-Lived.
Incoming message.
"Girls like nice guys."
"Do something nice
for six people."
All right.
Let the experiment begin.
I'm signing off.
But until then, I'm Josh.
This has been J-TECH.
P-p-p-peace out.
You been here all day. You
gotta shake the spot.
Time for you to go.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Yeah, please.
Thank you for your help.
Can I help you across
the street real quick?
Uh, no.
Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure.
Hey, hey. I'm helping your dog.
Put this dog down. Jesus. Sorry.
Who are you?
I just wanted to help.
All right,
that definitely didn't work.
Who wants some candy?
Here's a lollipop
for the big boy.
What the fuck?
Bitch.
Goddamn it.
Hello?
So, we've just put the celery,
onions and carrots in here to saut.
We're gonna bring it back,
and...
This should be called the Cougar
Cooking Class, 'cause, you know...
Now, remember, this is a very,
very male dance.
You have to be very strong.
Now take me 'round.
Very good.
"One hour to madness and joy!"
O furious! O confine me not!
What is this that
frees me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings
and raging winds mean?
- O savage!
- O...
Hey, man. We're trying to
have some coffee here.
That's Walt Whiteman, you jerk.
First of all, it's Whitman.
What man? Not "what
man?" Whitman.
It's Walt Whitman.
Whatever, dude.
No culture in LA.
All right. We're done.
That's crazy. I lived
the exact same thing.
Yeah, well,
no more blind faith for me...
when it come to
matters of the heart.
Well...
I'm not gonna let some
crazy narcissist ruin it...
for all the good girls
out there.
Oh, so you're like a philanthropist?
No, no, no.
Uh, more like a
humanitarian and a poet.
Oh, really? A poet.
"One hour to madness and joy!"
O furious! O confine me not!
What is this that frees
me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings
and raging winds mean?
O to drink the mystic deliria
deeper than any other man!
"O savage and tender achings."
"and you to be yielded to me,
in defiance of the world!"
"O to return to Paradise."
O bashful and feminine,
O to draw you to me,
to plant on you
for the first time,
"the lips of a determined man."
"O to be absolved from previous
ties and conventions."
I from mine, and you from yours!
"O madness amorous!
O trembling!"
"To drive free! To love free!"
To dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction
with taunts,
with invitations.
To ascend, to leap to the heavens
of the love indicated to me.
To rise thither
with my inebriate soul!
To be lost, if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with
one hour of fullness and freedom.
"With one brief hour
of madness and joy."
One hour?
Two?
Is that a dolphin?
Again. Now.
- Just hang on.
- Okay.
There's also a check list...
to keep track of all those
hot, steamy, sexy positions,
as well as a rating system
for your performance.
Imperative for any man...
except me.
'Cause I am a jaguar
in the sheets.
That's why I give
"Kama Sutra... Love Journey,"
four out of five stars.
And to the makers of this app...
You had me at "sex position."
And for those of you who have
commented on my Facebook status...
from going to "single" to "in-in-in
a relationship," sorry, ladies.
I'm not available.
I'm off the market now.
You're probably noticing
that the app I-Lived,
the experiment that I've been
doing, is going pretty well.
And, by the increasing number of
users who have downloaded the app,
it looks like it's going
pretty well for you guys too.
There have been some updates
to the Web site,
most notably
the private setting,
just in case you're too
embarrassed to show the world...
what you're willing to do
to better yourself.
It's a shame
from this reviewer's standpoint,
because it provided hours
of great comedy.
Now, I'm gonna put the app
to the test with this next goal.
Get one...
million viewers.
No.
Eight million viewers!
Viewers!
Might I say that this
is a person dressed for success.
It's almost a perfect fit.
Just a little bit on the
inseam and the sleeves,
and the world is yours to take,
looking like that.
How much is it?
This one's $2300.
And you're looking at about
$2700 with alterations.
Okay. Yeah.
Do you, uh, have something
in a different fabric?
Maybe a bit darker?
I think I might.
Yeah, let me take a look.
What do you think?
Hot.
You think? Yeah, babe.
If you want to dress for success,
that's the way to do it.
Do you mind getting the
car while I pay for this?
I gotta get back to work.
You're getting it?
You said hot, right?
Like, "I want that guy" hot.
Seriously. Get the car.
Oy! Sorry.
Oy, where are you going?
Hey!
Hang on, mate! Hey!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. I'm fine.
Let's go.
Hey! Come back here!
Come on. Go, go, go!
Behold your ruin
and witness my escape,
into the Kingdom of Purgatory,
and Paradise!
Yes!
Dude, I've been tryin' to beat
that level for God knows how long.
You got chicks coming over, man?
It's probably just my landlord.
- You still haven't paid the rent?
- Fuck that bitch.
Oh, we got a badass over here.
I'm gonna get it, man.
A real tough guy, huh?
Hey, listen here, little lady...
Fuckin' weirdo.
It's not even raining.
Hey, man, you got some
weird-ass...
Sure. Monday for
coffee sounds great.
All right, cool. See you then.
Some guy out of the UK is in town and wants
to give me a job at this major tech site.
He said they're gonna pay me
a salary.
Nice. Now maybe you can quit
hiding in your own house.
"Always be firm
and stand your ground."
That's the spirit.
That's a good one.
I may use that one, Josh.
Dude...
there's a line.
Yeah? And?
You just cut it.
What are you gonna do about it?
It's cool, man.
Yeah, I thought so.
- Are you Joshua?
- Yes.
Sit, sit.
Just "Josh" is fine.
Josh from J-TECH.
I'm Roberto Luis and I love your
little show, mate. Gotta tell you.
Love how you mix your
personality with the reviews.
It's fresh. It's personal.
And most of all, it really
inspires trust in your audience.
- Coffee?
- I'm good. I've got...
And let's face it, we're all
trying to sell something.
Advertising, technology,
entertainment, right?
- Are you the only writer?
- Yep. Just me.
Incredible.
Well, I may have an interesting
proposition for you, mate.
How would you like to have
your own show...
on a site that has over eight
million viewers worldwide?
Did you say eight million?
Oh, fuck.
What the hell is this? Aaah!
Whoo! Look at that hot bitch!
I-lived! I-lived! I-lived!
I-lived! I-lived!
You are slaves. I'm a slave.
We're all slaves!
Not to God or the government, but
to the aliens who live among us!
Beware! The technological
alien invasion is coming!
Who the hell are these people?
Wait a second, I know this dude.
Jeremy Otto.
Weird.
He was using the app.
Dude... there's a line.
Yeah? And?
You just cut it.
What are you gonna do about it?
It's cool, man.
Yeah, I thought so.
Can I get a beer and a kamikaze?
One more time?
A beer and a kamikaze!
Yeah. Sure.
Hello?
Hey.
What's your favorite animal?
I don't know.
Excuse me. Ugh.
I guess it's, like,
pugs or something.
They're cute,
they got scrunchy faces.
You're staring. It's weird.
Can I get a drink?
Here you go.
Uh, Greta's tab?
Uh, yeah. All right.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Dad?
What are you doing?
Where's Mom?
Mom?
I'm home.
What's the matter?
Mom?
Oh, shit! Sorry.
Let's go in here.
What happened?
What do you mean?
We rushed out of there.
I, uh, just wanted
to be alone with you.
Okay, good. Me too.
This is, yes.
That's great.
Okay.
Of course I have a lawyer.
Sure. I'll do that.
Okay, great.
Talk to you later.
I guess I have to find a lawyer.
You got the job.
I think I got the job.
You think?
I got the job.
Hey, what's up? It's so late.
I had to try, just in
case you were awake.
What's going on?
Are you guys okay?
Praise the Lord.
The doctors can't explain it.
They said they think
she's in total remission.
It's a miracle.
A complete reversal
in three weeks.
What? How is that possible?
I don't know.
Last week
she was in such pain...
that she wanted
to take her own life.
I told her it would keep her
out of heaven if she did.
She wanted to kill herself?
Why didn't you call me?
I... I wanted to
help her do it.
I'm so ashamed to say it, but...
I love her so much.
I know you love her, Dad.
Now she's gonna be okay.
Gonna be all right.
I tried, Son.
The Lord is rewarding us.
I can't believe it.
Now, you should
go back to sleep.
- I love you, Son.
- Dad, who... who's at the house with you?
Just me and your mom.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
Dad, I can see someone
sitting at the sofa chair.
What are you talkin' about?
Damn it.
Greta?
I didn't upload the video.
What?
The video for the app.
I usually have to upload the
video, and then things happen.
I got the job, and I didn't
upload the last video.
You got the job because...
you are talented.
And because you know your stuff.
Not because of some stupid app.
Come back to bed.
Are you done with it yet?
Yeah, I am.
What's great about this app...
is you can access
all your cameras...
right from your phone,
anywhere in the world.
So, let's say you're goin'
out of town,
and you're leaving your kids behind
'cause you don't wanna take 'em.
Or maybe you got that wife that's
creepin' around, she's cheatin'.
You can check on her too.
Or maybe you got somebody that
might be breakin' into your house.
You can check on your house
from anywhere in the world.
That's what's pretty cool
about this.
There's also a la-la-la-la-
loop feature,
which allows you to flip from camera
to camera without even doing anything.
And that's why I give this app
four out of five stars.
Which brings me
to my next announcement!
Yours truly, J-TECH,
is about to make a huge deal with
the enormous tech site, Tekker.org.
Ah.
I'm gonna be hostin'
their app review show.
Because I'm gonna be actually
getting paid money.
Dolla, dolla bill.
Now, hold up.
Hold up. Hold up.
I know some of you purists out there
are, like, "Josh, you sellin' out, okay?"
Because you not gonna be
little J-TECH anymore.
You gonna be big J-TECH!"
And I get it, okay?
I'm not sellin' out,
because you guys...
are gonna be part of a much larger
network of dorks around the world.
Around the world.
Oh, and for those of you who have been
following the I-Lived app experiment,
check this out motherfuckers!
Six-pack, bitches!
I'm Josh from J-TECH.
Peace out, bitches.
I do a lot of push-ups.
You know, in my spare time.
It's all I do.
Hey. What's up, man?
This is a great party, huh?
Yeah.
Hey, this is Alex.
Hey. Nice to meet you.
Hey, have you seen Greta
anywhere?
Greta? I don't remember
what she looks like.
- Whoa.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Stop.
You wanna get outta here?
Absolutely.
Can you give me a second?
Two minutes.
Josh...
come on.
You're a great guy, and I have
a lot of fun with you, but...
I made myself pretty clear.
No strings attached, remember?
No. I don't remember.
What did you think
this was gonna be, really?
Nothing. Whatever.
You're hurt.
We're all good.
Yes. Joshua Fosse.
He was supposed to call and talk
to me about the terms of my...
Well, can I talk to him?
Can I help you?
Yeah. Uh, hi. Mr. Luis, please.
He's unavailable. I told
you that on the phone.
No, you said he didn't know me.
I've been calling for, like, three days.
How do you...
Is that his office there?
Please. I don't want to
have to call security.
Who is that?
- Sir...
- Who is he meeting with in there?
Mr. Luis!
Mr. Luis!
Mr. Luis!
- Roberto!
- Come on, man, just chill out...
or I have to call the cops.
Why don't you chill out?
Why don't you all
just chill out?
Yes!
Fuck!
911. What is your emergency?
Yeah, somebody broke into my garage.
What is your address?
233 North Norton Avenue.
Hello?
Hello?
Fuck.
Joshua.
You all right?
You've been out for a while.
Can you sit up?
I'm Detective McQuee.
Here's my card.
If the guy comes back, just
give me a call. All right.
Dad.
What's going on?
I'm at the hospital.
Where's Mom?
She's in the ICU.
I thought you said she was getting better.
We need to pray, Son.
You said she getting better!
She was.
I don't know what happened, but
she took a turn for the worse.
How bad? She's in a coma.
Fuck.
Pray with me, Son.
Will you stop with that?
You're always praying for her.
What has that ever gotten you?
I'm scared.
I know the feeling.
Please. Pray with me, Son.
I'm gonna hang up now, okay?
"Devil I."
Oh.
Hey!
I mean, that is the craziest
shit that I've ever heard.
I think you might want to lay
off the computers for a while.
I saw this guy following me.
He was in my house.
The same guy
in my parent's house.
A guy in a black trench coat teleported
from your parents' house in Michigan...
to your house through Skype?
Teleporting?
I'm fucking serious, dude.
I mean, I don't know, man.
Did you read the user agreement?
What did I sign?
I was just
messing with you, man.
No, it makes sense.
No, it doesn't.
You didn't sign your soul away
on your iPhone, all right?
I'm gonna break it down for you.
Here we go...
Greta? She's out of your league.
She's smart. She's older.
She has money.
She's fuckin' hot.
I'm mean, she's probably,
uh, just geeking it.
And this UK web site thing,
right?
It's a start-up, so it's worth a billion dollars
today and then tomorrow they're bankrupt.
And your mom? Dude.
I'm sorry to say this, but she's
been terminal for almost a year now.
I mean, you told be back then she'd be
lucky to make it past three months.
So, I don't know what this
thing's doing to your head,
but it's not responsible for what's
happened in your life... You are.
This thing is real.
Sometimes, I'm bangin',
like, a really hot model.
And it feels real.
But then I'm, like, "Oh, shit."
"I'm masturbating!"
On the Internet,
that's what you're doin'.
You're masturbating, man.
I don't need you for this.
I'll do it on my own.
No, you won't. Hey, hey, look.
You're about to commit a very serious
felony right now, all right?
This isn't like, uh, stealing
suits or giving kids candy.
I think...
I think I have a better idea.
There's a way
we can do this cleanly.
What do you know
about kidnapping someone?
Dude... I'm Filipino.
Hey! Help me! Help me! Help me!
Rejected?
How's that possible?
Hey! How are you?
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Are you sure you don't want
anything? It's totally on me.
They have, like,
the best chai latte.
Um... Mmm!
Have you talked to Bobby Yen?
I tried calling him to let him know
we're done, but he's not answering.
Anyway, I've never played
a kidnapping victim before.
Do you think I could get
a copy of that for my reel?
Or, you know, I could get it
of YouTube as well.
Are you all right?
Josh? You can't fool it.
Oh! Hey. Where are you guys?
What's the matter?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Where... Where are you?
Okay, okay.
Bobby's been in an accident. I mean,
he... he's at the hospital, Josh.
How many fucking pages
is this thing?
Josh.
Josh.
Mom?
You...
did this.
Why?
Hey, guys!
It's Josh, from J-TECH.
Got a great bunch of
reviews for you to share...
me to share with you today.
Uh, see a lot of you have
unsubscribed from my vlog.
I, uh... I understand.
It's okay.
You're probably waiting for that new
link to my new show that I promised you.
Well... I decided to go
in another direction.
I didn't want to be
a corporate sellout...
and be selling somebody else's
product, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, the first app that
we're gonna review today...
let me... let me get
my list real quick.
Here we go.
Here's the list, okay?
The first app I'm gonna
review is all about...
The first app that I...
Damn it!
What now?
What?
What? Hello, Josh.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
I was just wondering if you
were able to pay your rent.
Really? Is that why you
gave me an eviction notice?
I'm sorry about that,
but it has been three months.
I just need
a little bit more time.
I'll get it to you soon. I just
got a new job working online.
Online? Josh.
I have a lot of people who are ready
to pay some real money for this house.
It's always about the money,
isn't it?
Oh, I know things
have been hard on you...
since you broke up
with your girlfriend.
She was such a nice girl.
It's too bad.
Josh!
I didn't know you
graduated from Stanford.
Oh, your parents
must be so proud of you.
Wow.
Even though things haven't
exactly panned out for you.
By the way, how is your mother?
Is she still dying?
What are you... Josh!
Josh? Shit!
You scared the hell out of me.
You too. What's going on?
What's that sound?
Um... I got a dog.
You got a dog?
Yes, I got a dog.
I always wanted to get a dog.
You never let me.
Yeah?
Well, I didn't feel like
livin' with two bitches.
You don't have to be
mean about it.
What do you mean "mean," do you mean
like bring other guys in our bed?
Guy. Not guys.
Huge difference for me.
And besides, I always told you
I was on the fence about us.
Well, you're
outside the fence now.
So you can just go.
How'd you even get in here?
I still have a key. I told you I
was coming to get my last box.
All right, there it is.
Take it.
Josh?
What? I'm very busy right now.
I just wanted to apologize for
the way I treated you. Good.
Hope you feel better
about yourself now.
I should have never left the way I did.
I'm glad you did.
Don't miss me?
Even a little bit?
This is nuts!
Why are you so angry?
Because you cheated, lied, stole and
dumped me like a piece of shit...
when there was nothing
left to take.
Now take your box
and get the fuck out!
What happened to you, Josh?
Why? 'Cause I'm not getting used
and pushed around by you anymore?
Good.
I love you.
Why can't she just get it
through her head to move on...
Greta.
Jesus. What happened?
I'm so sorry.
I feel horrible about
the way I treated you.
When it rains, it pours.
I know it's stupid
to cry like this.
No. I didn't mean it like that.
I just didn't expect things
to go so far between us.
What?
I think I really fell for you
'cause I got scared too, and then...
I'm just gonna go. Wait.
And I know it doesn't mean
anything anymore, but...
I didn't sleep with him.
Josh...
any girl would be lucky
to be with you.
Yeah.
I've been expecting your call.
So, thank you guys
so much for watching!
This has been J-TECH. Signing
off for Tekker TV. Peace out.
Did I tell you
or did I tell you?
I mean, look at that face.
Is that not the face
of technology?
Of the future?
You can trust this face.
I know I do.
It's great.
Beautiful face.
Help! Shut up!
Just get away from me!
Help! Help! Help!
Shut up!
Is Mom better?
How did you know?
I just had a feeling.
Someone here
wants to talk to you.
Hi, baby.
It's okay. Mom's okay.
The doctors say they think
I'm gonna be just fine.
It's the darndest thing,
isn't it?
I love you, Mom.
I love you too, sweetheart.
I'm gonna visit really soon. I'm
sorry I haven't been there for you.
Don't you worry about me. You
just take care of yourself.
I know I'm in your prayers.
I love you.
I'll be right back.
Thank the Lord.
I won't lie to you.
She's in a lot of pain.
But they say that
she's gonna live.
I tell you, we have a guardian angel
looking over this family, Josh.
How else can you explain it.
Thank the Lord.
Blessed be thy name.
Dad, Mom is standing behind you.
What are you talking about?
I have to do it again.
Josh? It's Greta.
I know you're in there.
I missed you.
I have a surprise for you.
Is Mom better?
How did you know?
I just have a feeling.
Someone here
wants to talk to you.
Hi, baby.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
The doctors say they think
I'm gonna be just fine.
It's the darnedest thing,
isn't it?
I love you, Mom.
I love you too, sweetheart.
I'm gonna visit really soon.
I'm sorry I haven't been there.
No, don't you worry about me.
You take care of yourself, okay?
I love you.
I'll be right back.
Thank the Lord!
Dad, listen to me.
They say she's gonna live.
We have a guardian angel
looking after this family, Son.
How else can you explain it.
Thank the Lord.
Oh, blessed be thy name.
She's standing right behind you!
She's gonna stab you
with a knife!
Dad, she's gonna stab you!
Watch out!
What are you talking about?
I feel so much better.
You look really tired. I think
you need to get some rest.
Josh.
It's Greta.
Go away!
Leave me alone!
I know you're in there.
Detective McQuee.
Hello?
Hello?
Who's there?
Can you hear me?
Look, if you've got an emergency,
you gotta call 911, all right?
Hello?
Hello?
"'Tis a common proof that lowliness
is young ambition's ladder,"
where to the climber
upward turns his face.
But when reaches the upmost round
unto the ladder, he turns his back,
"looks to the sky, scorning the base
degrees by which he did ascend."
Hello, Joshua.
What is this? Who are you?
What do you want from me?
If memory serves me right, it was
you who came looking for me.
You needed help
with a young lady... Greta.
Holy shit. The app.
I-Lived. Are you the developer?
In a sense. Are you
unsatisfied with the product?
How does it work?
Like all apps. A series of
equations, fractions, numbers.
An algorithm designed to solve a
specific problem, fulfill a need.
That's the definition
of technology.
From fire to the wheel
to the Internet...
technology's made the world a
better place for you, has it not?
This is different.
It's like it knows me.
It knows you, Josh, because you've
uploaded everything about yourself.
Likes, dislikes, fears,
hopes, photos, videos,
intimate thoughts and desires.
I want it to stop.
Stop? Why would you
want it to stop?
Hasn't it given you everything you've
asked for, everything you've wanted?
It's hurting people.
People hurt people, Josh.
This... This is helping people.
By killing someone?
Everybody dies.
It's a means to an end. We're just...
helping them along.
It wants too much.
Everything is changing.
Everything's always changing.
It's the serpent
shedding its skin.
It's Eve giving Adam the apple.
It's been with you since
the beginning of time.
Apple?
That's right. You think
you can take it on?
It's too late. We're in business
together, and the numbers are climbing.
I never asked for this.
This is exactly
what you asked for.
- I want out.
- I wish I could help.
You signed a contract.
You made a deal.
I never read it.
They never do.
I want out.
Josh, let me remind you of all of that amazing
footage of you and Miss Lee in the garage.
Torture, kidnapping,
electricity.
Oh, that... that was good.
I own you.
I-Lived is 300 million strong because
of your glowing endorsement.
You work for me now.
Josh, you're so close.
Be the man
you're destined to be.
Take it,
or... your life ends now.
I'm not sorry for this.
I have no feelings for you.
I have no remorse.
No guilt.
No! No!