2
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a big welcome to Funny Cow!
Thank you. Thank you very much,
and good evening.
Can I just say how very, very nice
it is to be here this evening.
It is. It's very nice.
But, then again, I'm from Rotherham,
so it's... It's nice to be anywhere.
You see, in Rotherham,
we're not twinned with anywhere.
It's unfortunate, that. But we do have
a suicide pact with Doncaster.
Now, talking of suicide...
This bloke, right,
he goes into t'library,
and he's having a mooch about,
looking up shelves.
Librarian, she sees him,
so she goes over.
She says, "Excuse me, sir.
Can I help you?"
He said, "I'm looking for some books
on suicide, but I can't seem to find any."
She says, "Yeah, that's 'cause the buggers
never bring 'em back."
Look at my hands.
They're not right.
Well, this one is. T'other one's left.
But they're not like yours.
They're different.
They've got no work in 'em.
And that's tired me out.
You see...
I don't know whether
to hit you with 'em...
Or stroke you with 'em.
My dad were t'same with his,
although he didn't go in
for stroking much.
I don't think he knew he wanted to.
I had a funny relationship with my dad.
He were an 'ard man, very 'ard.
I remember this kid on our street say,
"I bet my dad can beat up your dad."
And I thought, "Fucking hell. When?"
- Things changed when my dad died.
- Aw.
What do you mean, "Aw?"
My mam, she took it bad.
She turned to drink.
She went out on t'game.
One night she come home
with one pound and two pence.
I said, "Bloody hell, Mam,
who's give you two pence?"
She said, "They all have."
I was about eight or nine.
I was at school.
And you know when you have to do
one of them talks?
You know, what you're gonna be
when you grow up.
And it were Yvonne Wilson, and she said...
I should be a clown because I was silly.
And Mr Harrison...
He were the teacher... He agreed.
And I thought, "That's what I'll do.
"It'll be my job to make 'em laugh."
Oh.
Thank you.
Who are you?
Are you famous?
- How many houses have you got?
- Eh? What you on about?
- One. One house.
- She says you've got seven.
We haven't.
We've got one house, not seven.
- Has she got five bikes?
- No.
She hasn't got a bike. She borrows mine.
She's a lying bastard.
Your sister's a lying bastard.
You think I've gotta come down
from here, don't you?
You think I've gotta come down.
Well, I'm not.
Lying bastard. Bighead.
Lying bastard. Bighead.
- All right?
- Yeah.
- Going down t'ginnel?
- Yeah.
Good.
Where are you going?
I'm talking to you.
You think you're summat, don't you?
Summat special.
Well, you're not.
You're a piece of shit.
Come on, bighead. Come on.
Argh!
She's covered in shit.
Look, shit-arse. You've shit yourself.
- You dirty cow.
- I am. I'm a dirty cow, me.
Eurgh. She's picked it up.
She's picked it up!
Yeah, you can call me Dog Shit Dora.
- Where have you been?
- Where's my mam?
- Eh?
- Where's my mam?
She's out there
with her stupid fucking mates...
While I'm in here with no dinner.
Make me a tea.
What you doing?
- I said make me a cup of tea.
- Get your own tea.
- What did you say?
- You heard.
Make me a fucking cup of tea now.
Get your own cup of fucking tea.
You cheeky little fucking...
Come here!
Who do you think
you're fucking talking to?
Shut your fucking mouth...
...and don't answer me back,
you little fucking cow!
Get up! Get up!
Get fucking up!
Are you angry, Dad?
You seem angry again.
Get out. Get out.
Fucking tea!
Yippee.
Page 116.
The Day Thou Gave Us, Lord, Is Ended.
Oh, it's bloody cold in here.
It will warm up in a minute, Mam.
Bye, you miserable bastard!
What you say
while you're running away from me?
It's not like I've ever hurt you
But bad intentions
whatever mentioned
I don't know but I've had to presume
Won't you stay
now it's out of the way
And we can do
what we really want to?
Why don't you stand, Jackie,
so take my hand now
We can dance the night through
Well, twist it, twist it
twist it, twist it right now
And you will find your feet
Rock and roll and swing it
shake it all out
And then you can shake on me
Well, twist it, twist it,
twist it, twist it right now
Before it's time to go...
- Now, then.
- Hello.
My name's Bob. Want a drink?
No.
Get off.
- I thought so.
- It'll grow on you.
Ah! Watch my fucking head!
Oh!
Watch out. Ow!
I've summat to tell you.
I'm back on t'game.
That'll be two quid.
Oh, aye? I've got something
to tell you an' all.
I've gone back taxiing.
It'll be three quid back into town.
Kitchen.
Oh, fucking hell.
Oh, it's nice.
Oh, it's a double.
Oh, I love it.
Oh.
Oh, fucking hell.
- What do you reckon?
- It's fucking great.
It's our house, where we live.
Machines make a right racket.
- Be quiet at night, though.
- Aw, it won't, though, will it?
Give o'er. I've gotta get back to work.
I'm gonna stay here, make it nice.
Right. I'll see you in a bit.
Here you are.
- Get us some meat for us tea.
- Housekeeping?
- Housekeeping money?
- It is, aye.
Got us some chips.
Well... Fucking say summat, then.
Sit down.
Sit down.
- I brought chips in.
- I don't want any.
Why's that, then?
Just to fucking wind me up?
Eh?
What's that you got?
Nothing.
Not for you.
- Give it me here.
- No.
Just to wind me up, eh?
Just to fucking wind me up?
Are you angry, Bob?
You seem angry.
Hello.
Good choice.
Exupry. Le Petit Prince.
About a golden-haired child
who refuses to answer questions.
Right.
What is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Sorry?
- That's what the book teaches us.
What...
You and me?
All of us.
Oh, well.
I've a bin full of bills at home
and I can see 'em all.
Well, the reason they're in the bin,
that's essential.
That's what's essential.
I'm Angus. This is my bookshop, so...
How do, Angus?
So, what do you like?
- Like?
- To read. What do you like to read?
Oh, I'm a seeker after knowledge, me.
Ah. That's good.
- Mmm.
- I like that.
I've only just started, mind, so I'm a...
I'm a new seeker.
Well, I'm an ardent champion
of the new seeker, so...
Ah, that's good.
Would you like to go out for a drink?
Oh, no.
- Can I have...
- Four pint, two Babycham.
'Ey, hang on. I'm first.
Ah, shut your mouth
or you'll get a crack.
That's not fair.
I've been here ten minutes.
- Oh, aye?
- Aye.
Fighting man, are you?
- No.
- Oh.
I'll give you till half ten to learn, eh?
Silly bollocks. Eh?
'Ey, what do you think of these?
Nice, aren't they?
- Guess where I got them.
- No idea.
- Ravels. You know, on Chapel Walk.
- Ooh.
Guess how much.
Nine quid. Aren't they lovely?
Mick don't know they were that much.
It'd kill him. His head would blow off.
- Lovely, though, aren't they?
- Yeah.
'Ey, it's heaving in here, in't it?
Ram-packed.
Oh, this is nice. Is it new?
- Yeah, it is.
- Where'd you get it?
Club book. Twenty-seven payments.
I've only paid one.
It's lovely.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Crookes Club.
I'd like you to put your hands together
and give a big Crookes Club welcome
to the master of mirth... Lenny Lennon!
Oh! Thank you. Lovely.
Had a fella knock on my door last night.
He said, "Do you believe in free speech?"
I said, "Yes, I do."
He said, "Good, can I use your phone?"
So, this fella in prison
says to his cellmate,
"How long are you in for?"
So this lag says to him,
"Just three days."
So the fella says, "Three days?
That's great. How did you manage that?"
And this old lag says,
"They're hanging me on Monday."
They came to hang him.
Him and the hangman,
they're walking across the yard
on the day of the hanging,
and it's lashing it down with rain.
So this lag says to t'hangman,
"What a bloody day to be hanged."
And t'hangman says, "I don't know
what you're complaining about.
- I have to walk back in this."
- Shut up, you wazzock!
Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have some order, please.
- Give order.
- You can fuck off and all!
Poor bastard's doing his best.
Give him a chance.
Yeah, right.
Hey, I went to Bradford last week.
Bloody Bradford.
I felt like the white spot on a domino.
Ring 999 in Bradford
and they don't send t'police.
I rang and t'Bengal Lancers turned up.
So, anyway, I had a blackout last night.
I did. I had a blackout.
Seeing her tomorrow night and all.
Got it! It's here.
Right, come on, wakey-wakey.
Get up, come on! Quick, t'pair of you!
Come on, up!
Up, eh? Now, take a look.
- Look at that. Look what we've got.
- What is it?
It's a swimming pool.
We've got a swimming pool.
How's about that, eh?
Come on, then, downstairs!
Toast's on t'table.
Don't tell anyone at school.
I mean it.
Whoo!
Bet it's nice and cold.
More like a bath.
What?
Go and get your swimming cossie on, then.
Mum, I love it.
Go on, then. Upstairs.
Get your swimming costume on.
What swimming costume?
I ain't got a swimming costume.
Get upstairs...
And put your dad's new underpants on.
- Mum, please.
- Go on, do it!
And never you mind that lot, eh?
They're only jealous.
Come on. Down.
Right, now go and have a swim.
Come on, then, let's have a dip.
I'm going to go underwater
for five minutes.
That's it, girl.
That weren't five minutes.
That were two seconds.
By the time I were ten,
kids at school had sniffed me out.
I wasn't one of them...
And I couldn't hide it.
I tried for a while,
you know, pretended...
But it were pointless.
There were fumes coming off me.
I started acting up, playing the goat,
letting it all out.
So they beat me...
And then they isolated me.
You see...
Unstable bitches
aren't tolerated in the pack.
And once the die is cast, well, that's it.
Once you're on the outside...
That's where you're staying.
Mike. Fucking hell. Mike!
Look who's here.
Oh, fuck. Has she seen you?
No, she's seen our Liam.
I'm not going.
Hey, where you going? Stay up there.
Stay up there with Debs.
Oh. Stop breathing.
Oh, shit. She's not going.
Go on. She's your sister.
- Go on.
- Please, don't start. Promise?
I'm not promising anything.
- All right.
- Hiya.
Thought I'd pop round.
Haven't seen you for a bit.
No.
Well, can I... Come in?
- Yeah, yeah, you'd best come in, yeah.
- Thanks.
Hi, Jean.
We're just about to have us dinner.
- Where's yours?
- I'm not bothered. I'll eat later.
Sit down.
- Can we go out and play?
- No, sit down.
- What you doing? Sit down.
- Excuse me. No, no, no.
I've said they can go out and play.
Go out and play. Come on.
Liam.
Go on, out you go, then.
Right. I'm off out.
- Where you going?
- Told you. Out.
It was lovely to see you, Jean.
You should have phoned.
See you, Mike.
Come on. Come away.
Hello.
Do you mind if I join you?
It's a free country.
- I want to do what you do.
- Oh, aye.
Yeah, I saw you at t'club at Crookes Club.
Oh, did you?
Yeah.
I wanna do what you do.
I wanna make people laugh.
I wouldn't bother.
Waste of time.
Why do you say that? It i'nt.
- I'm funny.
- Are you, love? That's good.
I am.
I doubt it.
It's not a job for a woman.
Why do you think
all comics are blokes, love?
I'll tell you why.
Cos women aren't funny.
Don't know why, but they're just not.
You're not funny.
No.
- I mean...
- Singing. Can you sing?
They'll let you sing for 'em,
as long as you're not wearing much.
Or you could be a stripper.
They'd like you
if you took your clothes off,
maybe flash your fanny for 'em.
But don't try and make 'em laugh.
They'd be on you like a pack of wolves,
tear you to shreds.
I'd conquer 'em with love.
Yeah, well, good luck with that, love.
Look, you don't understand.
Oh, I do.
- Only too well.
- I've got no choice.
I can't...
I can't do what everyone else does. I...
I can't be a civilian.
See, I've got no backbone.
I've got a funny bone instead.
Listen to me, love.
Thirty year ago,
I thought I were funny as fuck.
It's not about being funny, darling.
It's about surviving.
Try breathing slower.
- I'm on at Dial House, Sunday dinner.
- Right. I'll come.
Right, then, I'm off.
You'll have me as daft as you.
- Mam?
- Mmm?
Where's all your chairs?
Gone.
- All of 'em?
- Mmm.
And your table?
And your sideboard?
Mam, you can't carry on like this.
Don't fuss, love.
Be all right.
I made you a pie.
Looks like a bus.
Fucking hellfire.
Look at the state of it in here.
- Bob.
- Still with him, are you?
Aye, course you are.
Right, give her her pie. Come on.
Oh, Mam.
Aye. Never mind.
Hello.
Hello.
Back for The Little Prince?
Eh?
The book. You were reading it
last time you came in.
- Was I?
- Yes.
No, I was just window shopping.
- So, how much are they?
- What?
Your windows.
Eh?
I was only joking.
Oh. Sorry. Of course.
Put t'kettle on.
Spitting feathers here.
Kettle, yes, of course, of course.
Come on through.
- Here you go.
- Oh.
Ta.
Don't tell me
you're interested in etymology?
I wouldn't dream of it.
- What's... ety...?
- Etymology?
It's a... It's a passion of mine.
This book you were looking at.
I wasn't looking, really.
Sniffing, yeah.
Looking, no.
Sniffing?
I love the smell of books.
Don't you?
Yes, I... I suppose so.
I like leather, the smell of new leather.
Sandals at Whitsuntide,
and that sort of thing.
Brings to mind...
- I'm glad you came back.
- I bet you are.
- Oh, Jesus.
- What's wrong?
The tea.
What did you do?
Just show the cup a picture of a tea bag?
I'm sorry. I'm...
I'm not a tea man, generally.
So where will we go?
- Where will you take me?
- On a... Date?
Do you mean a date?
You're old-fashioned.
Hopelessly.
And I'm intelligent. Um...
I can be very, very... Reasonable.
Um, usually optimistic.
Often depressed.
I mean, properly, properly depressed.
The whole nine yards. I can't talk.
Uh, I can't get out of bed.
Mmm...
And I get panic attacks and I snore.
Oh, and I can become
extraordinarily angry...
Enough. I'll come round tomorrow.
You can take me out for dinner.
Can I ask you what changed your mind
about me, about a date?
You can ask, yeah.
But, you'd just smile
and refuse to answer?
You're right.
So there's your answer.
Wow.
Wow.
Isn't that the most beautiful film
you've ever seen?
That red...
That vibrant Titian red is just...
- Did you enjoy it?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Which part did you like the best?
- Um...
- The balloons.
- What, at the end?
Yeah, at the end.
What's his name?
Doesn't matter.
Bob.
It's Bob.
And you and Bob, do you get on?
Does he make you laugh?
Oh, aye. He's hysterical.
You're being sarcastic, right?
Do you love him?
No, of course not.
- Does he...
- What? Knock me about?
Yeah, he does.
Happy now?
Happy?
Why on Earth
would I be happy to hear that?
Well, you can be me rescuer,
can't you?
Play at shining knights.
I'm a damsel in distress.
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Who took your self-esteem from you?
You have very low self-esteem.
Nobody took it.
I handed it over of my own volition.
So what you gonna say now?
In life, people get
what they think they deserve.
That's hard to watch.
I mean, why is it all the beautiful people
are fucked-up
and all the wankers
bestride the Earth untouched?
Don't know. Why is easy-listening
music so hard to listen to?
- I'm being serious.
- Don't be.
So what about you?
Why aren't you married?
- How do you know I'm not?
- You?
Ha! Never.
Not in a million years.
All right.
I'm not that bad. Surely somebody
out there would have me.
That's not what I meant.
Stop fishing.
I'm not.
I am.
Wow. You laugh as well.
I never would have thought it.
So?
Ah. Women.
Um...
It seems that I just don't measure up
to some...
Template that they have in their heads.
Tragic, aren't I?
You could be.
If I let you.
Right. Well, I'll walk from here.
Are you sure?
I don't mind dropping you off outside.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
There'll be a welcoming party.
At least this way
you get to see me walk away.
Does that mean I won't see you again?
No.
It means you'll get to see my arse sashay.
That means "chase" in French.
- Will I...
- Will you?
Will I? Will we?
- What's your name, soft cock?
- Excuse me.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Shh. Shut your mouth.
What's your name?
What do they call you? Eh?
Ooh.
I can smell some fanny in here.
Some fanny and shit.
Can you smell fanny and shit?
I bet you can.
I bet you can smell fanny and shit
everywhere you fucking go, can't you?
- Please get out of my car.
- No, don't talk.
Shut your mouth.
Now you know.
Now you know.
Cunt.
Eh?
Don't feel the same on the lane,
you're lovin' it
Just want you by my side
I know it's a shame
but I can't fake the feeling
I need you here tonight
And I know you can't stand
the sneaking around
But you're my bit on the side
And now it's too late
cos you can't change your feelings
And I'm not satisfied...
Nice knockers!
Hey, stick a coin in the meter
there, mate, will you?
Whoa, there we go!
Right, thanks very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
A fella knocked on my door last week.
He said, "Do you believe in free speech?"
So I says, "Yeah" and he says,
"Good, can I use your phone, please?"
So, these two fellas in prison
sharing a cell, you know.
And one fella says,
"How long you in for, mate?"
And the other fella says,
"Just three days."
And the fella says, "Three days?
How come you just get three days?"
- And the fella says...
- "They're hanging me on Monday."
- I've heard it.
- Got any jokes?
'Ey, I've seen you on telly, haven't I?
- Interference.
- Oi, can you fuck off?
We're expecting a comic here.
So this bird goes into
one of them sex shops,
says to the fella,
"I'd like a vibrator, please."
And the fella says,
"Well, what colour would you like?
We've got red, black, blue, pink, green."
And the bird stops him and says, "I want
that one behind you, the tartan one."
The bloke says, "You can fuck off.
That's my Thermos flask."
I'm from Mansfield, me.
God, it's depressing.
We aren't twinned with anywhere, but we do
have a suicide pact with Rotherham.
- Sorry, mate. I don't know what...
- Aye, lad.
- I've always done well here.
- There you go.
You're too late.
I've just finished.
I know. I were there.
Oh. Were you?
Well, now you know, don't you?
It was horrible. You... You...
Died. I died a thousand deaths.
Why are they like that?
How d'you do it, you know,
when... when they don't like you?
- How d'you do it?
- 'Cause I died years ago, love.
I'm a comedic zombie.
They can't touch me any more.
Dead man walking, me.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
Where you going?
I'm going swimming.
In a sea of beer.
It washes away all the hurt and the dirt.
It's the stains, though.
It won't shift them.
Ta-ra, love.
Excuse me.
No, no, no. Oi. Oi, oi.
Don't play that now.
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!
Mule train
Go on, lass, eh!
Go on!
Mule train
Whoo! Whoo!
Clippety clop over hill and plain
Go on, lass!
Clippety clop, clippety clop
Clippety clop...
Come on!
Hey!
Whoo!
Mule train...
Ha!
Mule train...
Whoo!
Oi, watch my head!
Over the mountain chain
Soon we're gonna reach the top,
clippety clop...
You all right, old lad? 'Ey?
Clippety clop...
Hey, hey!
There's a plug o'chaw tabacky
for a rancher in Corona
A guitar for a cowboy
way out in Arizona...
Oh, you fucking...
For fuck's sake.
Where you going?
Out.
Don't be fucking clever.
I won't ask you again.
Where you going?
I've told you, out.
What's this, eh?
Search For A Star?
It's a talent show.
Oh, right.
That's where you're going, is it?
To watch a fucking talent show?
Oh... No.
Don't tell me you've entered the bastard?
Is that what you're telling me?
You've entered a fucking talent show?
- Yeah, I have, all right?
- Don't fucking shout at me!
Who do you think I am?
Fucking Soft Mick?
Right, I'm telling you...
You go and do this...
I'll break your fucking nose for you.
Don't say you weren't warned.
Now fuck off.
Right. I'm going.
Right. I'm serious.
I'll break your fucking nose.
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
Good.
You'll not beat me.
You'll never fucking beat me. Never.
Not while you've got a fucking hole
in your arse.
Number one, please.
Come on. Come on.
Colin Pile.
With Hound Dog.
- He dances.
- Thank you very much.
Don't... Don't you...
Don't you leave like she did!
Sorry. I don't think so.
He will dance.
He dances in the kitchen.
Well, that would only be
half the job done, wouldn't it?
I think Elvis should
leave the building now.
Number two, please.
- Hello. What's your name?
- Er... Rodney Chitterton.
Well, that reeks of glamour!
What you gonna do for us, then, Rodney?
Just sing a song.
Stage is yours.
Sorry I've been away so long
I needed just a little more time
If you stare through the glass
from moment to moment
It's funny what you find
We can move our bodies
like a twist of smoke
Come, let us shake like the flame...
All right, hold it there.
Lovely.
We'll get you a change of name
and a nice girlie to sing with.
I'll have something for you
to sign at the end.
Number three.
Hello, hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now, then, has anyone seen
a lion round here?
Will you help me call him?
Would you do that? That'd be wonderful.
- Leo!
- Leo!
Bloody hell.
Thank you very much, lady. Right...
Oh, here he is, here.
Hello, Leo.
Hello. Hello, everybody.
- Thank you.
- We weren't even started yet.
- Thank you.
- Can we at least do t'song?
Gorn free, as free as the wind glows
Stop.
Not quite what I'm looking for, thank you.
Twat.
- What did you say?
- Nothing. I didn't say anything.
It were him.
But you are a bastard anyway.
Number four.
Number five. Number six.
What am I, a fucking bingo caller?
Number seven.
Anyone there? Number seven.
Um...
We're ready.
Off you go, love.
People waiting.
Oh, dear,
I haven't got the time, actually,
so would you mind shitting
or getting off the pot, please?
Um...
Uh...
We're ready.
Off you go. Come on, people waiting.
T...
So, t'other day, I went into this lingerie
shop and I said to t'woman behind counter,
"Excuse me, love. Can I try them
knickers on in t'window?" She laughed.
She said, "You'll have to go
in a cubicle like everybody else."
My fella, he's got a right good job,
he has. He's got 500 men under him.
He's working in a cemetery.
Oh, sorry.
Jokes, is it?
Yeah.
Do you like jokes?
Oh, they're all right,
if you like laughing.
Did you hear the one
about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Stupid.
Argh! Oh!
I told you, didn't I? I fucking told you!
I told you what would happen! Eh?
I won't swallow it.
- What?
- This. Any more.
What are you talking about,
you silly twat?
It's over, Bob. No more.
Get in there
and get me summat to fucking eat!
No!
Right. Well,
you're not fucking going anywhere.
See, thing is...
I know I am.
Listen to me. Listen to me!
Listen to me!
I'm telling you, you've...
You've got fucking nothing to come!
Listen!
Oh...
Oh...
That's yours.
Thank you very much.
Enjoy the book.
Right, then.
Hello.
Right, then, what?
You can start rescuing.
What's happened?
I'm here now.
I'm here with you.
I've come to share the tragedy.
All right.
Well, that's um...
Ah, that's wonder... Wonderful.
That's really wonderful.
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Fuck me.
Fucking hell.
Two fucking bathrooms?
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Fucking... Hell.
Cup of tea?
Fucking hell.
I've left him.
Oh, aye?
Leaving present?
- Something to remind me.
- Aye.
Can't go on living a lie.
Can't you?
It's a pity.
You think I should, don't you?
It's not weak to leave, Mam.
It's weak to stay.
Is it?
I went to see a counsellor, a therapist.
And he said,
"You need to learn to cultivate
a more fatalistic approach to life.
Learn that it's better
just to let life happen."
I wanted to smack him in the face.
Be somebody else?
Is that what he meant?
How can I do that?
So that is it. It's...
It's that or face the madness.
The monster behind the eyes.
And this therapist, he gave me tablets.
Hold me together.
Give me a level playing field.
Give me a chance, he said.
But then you're just...
You're just cut adrift
with a... Trail of tablets
to get you back,
and, well, that's too scary.
You can't hold onto tablets
when you're drowning.
Too small.
You meet different people, don't you?
Educated people.
Articulate people.
And you think, "I'm one of them.
Oh, thank God I'm one of them!"
And then one day it hits you over
the back of the head like an 'ammer.
You don't belong with them either.
Because they're so wrapped up
in themselves, they can't feel anything.
And they're scared and judgemental.
And they're too busy
trying to insulate themselves
against the cold winds
that'll topple them.
However high they hold their head, they'll
still get a whiff of the shit they're in.
You end up becoming the person
you're pretending to be, don't you?
Invent yourself.
It always felt like a film to me.
Like I'm playing meself in a film,
you know.
There's a big part of me standing on
the side, you know, watching me perform.
Oh, and I've always been writing
my autobiography.
Hmm. You know, and if...
If the story didn't fit
or I... I didn't like the version
of meself, well, then, I...
I'd spit it out.
Or swallow it.
Hello?
Waaaahhh!
Jesus!
You frightened the bloody life out of me!
Christ. Haven't you got
anything better to do?
Not that I can think of.
Ooh, Angus. There's a terrible smell
of brown ale in here.
Excuse me.
Fart arse.
Happy?
You what?
Are you happy?
I'm delirious.
You know what I meant.
No, I don't.
It's a simple enough question.
It isn't, though, is it?
Happiness comes and goes.
Look... I can't walk round
grinning like a Cheshire cat.
I'm just not like that.
Know what I think?
Hmm. What?
I think we should have children.
Why? You pregnant?
Can you imagine? Our child?
You'd be an amazing mother.
Are you mad?
Ah, you would. You really would.
It would be the making of you.
You'd take to it like a duck to water.
- No.
- You don't have to answer now.
I don't want children.
- I don't.
- Can't say that.
Oh, can't I? Right.
So now you're telling me what I can't say?
All I meant... "Never say never," right?
That's all I meant by that.
You'll change your mind, you'll see.
I won't, though.
I've already had an abortion.
What?
You heard.
Bob's.
Well...
You weren't meant to be
with him anyway, were you?
It's all right. It's not a problem.
I'm all right with it.
Well, thank you, that's very big of you.
- Are you sulking?
- No.
I... I'm just being honest.
That's what you want from me,
isn't it, honesty?
I can't have children, Angus.
Not physically, not mentally.
I shouldn't be allowed to have children.
- Somebody needs to break the circle.
- What circle?
Monkey see, monkey do,
and I'd do, I know I would.
So I won't have children.
So now you know.
Right.
Well, we'll see, won't we?
What's wrong?
Just feeling a bit rough.
Rough? You look terrible.
- What's wrong?
- I aren't a doctor, am I?
Where does it hurt?
Sheffield, Leeds...
Barnsley. It bloody kills in Barnsley.
Shall I get someone?
Yeah, get Raquel Welch.
Tell her I need mouth-to-mouth,
or a cock rub. Either'll do.
Stop it.
Just got here.
I'm on in an hour and a half.
- Well, you can't.
- I've got to. Be reight.
Right, well, let's get you inside.
Come on.
- Oh.
- Watch your head.
Oh.
Ooh.
Lenny! There you are.
You all right, lad?
I can't go on, Danny.
You can't go on?
What on earth are you talking about?
You have to go on. I confirmed you
last week. Course you can go on.
- He's poorly.
- Come on.
Shit, shower, shampoo.
You know the rest.
No, I'm finished.
Not just tonight. Full stop.
I'm packing it in, Danny.
I've had enough.
- Look, look, do this spot tonight...
- No, I'm done.
Do this spot tonight, then come and see me
in the office tomorrow, we'll have a chat.
Will you be said? No more.
Right. So what do I tell
the Con Sec, then?
Tell him you don't feel like it?
I've got a reputation, Lenny,
years to build, a second to lose.
I won't be able to find a replacement at
this time, so you'll just have to go on.
You don't need no-one.
Put this one on. She'll not let you down.
Lenny, they're expecting a comic,
not a singer or whatever it is.
- She is a comic.
- I don't think so.
I am. I am.
That's what I am. I'm a comic.
Listen, love, that lot out there
will tear you to pieces.
They'll sniff you and dig you out
as soon as you open your mouth,
possibly even before.
I'll conquer 'em with love.
Oh, love? Yeah, well, good luck with that.
She can do it. She's a funny cow.
Like you said,
you won't find anyone else.
I'll do it for nowt.
Right.
You do ten minutes.
I'll speak with the Con Sec.
Don't fuck it up.
Shit.
I wouldn't want to
Lower the tone
But you know there's still a little
Spare meat on the bone
Oh-oh-oh, I...
Still want you
Oh-oh-oh, I...
Still want you
Oh-oh-oh, I...
Still want you
Until the sun grows cold
No need to breathe all alone
Still want you
Bloody marvellous.
Did you enjoy that?
- Yeah!
- Marvellous.
Now, then, let's have a big Crookes
Club welcome for your next turn.
Put your hands together
for the Funny Cow.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
I love a warm hand on me entrance.
Anyway, I were sat at home
the other day
and there was a knock at the door.
So I gets up and I goes to t'door
and there's a fella standing there
and he says, "Hello, love.
Do you believe in free speech?"
I says, "Yes, I do."
He says, "Great."
- "Can I use your phone?"
- "Can I use your phone?"
- You've ruined me act.
- What act? You're shit!
Oh, no, no, you've ruined it.
I was just gonna do an impression
of a cunt and you beat me to it.
- Get your tits out!
- Oh-ho-ho.
If your cock was as big as your mouth,
I'd think about it.
By the way, excuse me, what do you
call a woman who likes small cocks?
What's your name, love?
Janet.
She's heard it!
Anyway, right, there were
these three blokes sat in a pub,
all sat at separate tables,
having a pint.
There were a poof, there were a Paki
and there was this English bloke.
Out of nowhere
appears this fairy godmother.
She says,
"I've come to grant you one wish.
"All of you, one wish each.
"Whatever you want,
your wish is my command."
So she goes back to t'Paki and she says,
"So, sunshine, what would you like?"
And he thinks about it for a second
and he says,
"You know what I am thinking?
I would like to take all my friends
"and all my family
and all my people..."
He's a Welsh Paki, by the way.
He says, "And I'd like
to take them back all to Pakistan
"where we can live happy ever after,
with no bother, no racism."
So she thinks,
"Great. Right, there you go.
"There's your wish granted."
Anyway, she turns to t'poof and she says,
"Hello, sweetheart. What would you like?"
He says, "Well, actually,
you know what I'd like?"
He said, "I'd like me and all my bum chums
"to go and live on a big island
in the middle of the Pacific Ocean
"where we can live free and happy
and no-one to bother us."
So she says,
"All right, there's your wish granted."
Anyway, t'English fella's sat there
just finishing off his pint,
and she says, "All right, sunshine,
what would you like?"
And he sits and he looks at her.
He says, "Can you just run those
past me again?"
She says, "Yeah." He says, "So, t'Paki,
he wants to go back to Pakistan
"with all his family and friends
and all his kind."
"Yeah," she says. He says, "And t'poof,
he wants to go and live on an island
"in t'middle of t'Pacific and bum himself
to oblivion with all his bum chums."
She says, "Yes."
So he sits, he stares into his pint
and he says,
"You know what?
I'll just have another pint."
Get off, split arse!
Hey, now, I'm getting 50 quid
to make a twat of meself.
What are you getting?
Oh, 'ey, me mother rung t'other night.
Ooh, she were distraught, she were.
It were awful.
I says, "Are you all right?"
She says, "No, love, I'm not."
I says, "What's the matter?"
She says, "It's your father."
She says,
"I've just come back from t'doctor's
"and he's been diagnosed
with Alzheimer's... and VD."
I says, "Oh." She says, "Yes."
She says, "Worst thing is, I've left
t'back door open and he's disappeared."
I says, "Well, Mother, if he comes back,
whatever you do, don't fuck him."
Hey! I'll fuck you!
- Ooh!
- Settle down! Give her a chance!
You couldn't fuck your way
out of a paper bag, sunshine.
Time to get home
and get some fucking housework done!
Ooh!
Why don't you shut your mouth,
you big, ugly, boring cunt?
You're so ugly, when you were born,
t'midwife slapped your mother.
You're so boring, when you're
wanking, your wrists fall asleep.
Get the fuck off. Fuck off!
Hey, now, what's the difference
between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your cock
up a bird's arse.
Confucius say, "Man who drop watch
in toilet have shitty time."
Hello, Incontinence Helpline.
Can you hold?
How many animals
can you fit on a toilet?
One pussy and a thousand hares.
Give a man a fish
and he'll feed himself for a day.
Give a man hope... And he'll starve
to death hoping for a fish.
Take my life, please.
Now, have any of you read any of them
lonely hearts adverts in t'paper?
Lying bastards, aren't they?
Eh? Lying bastards.
You can't believe a word they say,
honestly.
"Adventurous."
That means they like anal.
"Intelligent." Smelly fanny.
"Curvy." Fat twat.
"Cuddly."
Fatter twat.
"Likes eating out."
Lazy fat twat.
That was the wonderful Funny Cow.
Ladies and gentlemen, Funny Cow!
I mean it.
I'll get you double Lenny's money.
I'll keep you busy five nights a week.
You sign with me,
I'll take you all the way.
- Where to?
- Where to?
Top of the greasy pole, that's where.
I'm gonna make you a star, darling.
- Oh, twinkle, twinkle.
- I mean it.
Don't tease me.
I'm not teasing, I don't tease
and I don't mess around,
because I am all business.
Are yer? Well, I'm 40% cheese.
Lenny.
- How now. What news?
- He's almost supp'd.
Why have you left the chamber?
- Hath he ask'd for me?
- Know you not he has?
We will proceed no further
in this business.
He hath honour'd me of late
and I have bought golden opinions
from all sorts of places,
which would be worn now in their newest
gloss, not cast aside so soon.
Was the hope drunk
wherein you dress'd yourself?
Hath it slept since?
And wakes it now
to look so green and pale?
- Where did you go?
- Barbados.
Sarcasm doesn't suit you, you know that?
Ah, you don't think so?
That's a shame.
- Why did you leave?
- 'Cause I was bored shitless.
Of Shakespeare?
You're telling me Shakespeare's boring?
No, I'm telling you I was bored.
It's just not my thing.
Well, what is?
I don't know.
Not bleedin' Pinky and bleedin' Perky.
It's 'cause I'm thick, all right?
No, no, you're not thick. Far from it.
I couldn't understand
half of what they were saying
and when they started laughing,
I wanted to kill 'em.
And that bloke sat behind us
mouthing the words
like he's at some sing-along, making sure
the audience are watching him.
You don't have to be threatened by it.
Shakespeare's for everyone.
It's not, though, is it?
Because you lot have hijacked it.
"You lot"?
What do you mean by that?
You know. The educated.
Oh, right, right. So, would you rather
that I wasn't educated? Is that it?
Would you rather I went to the football,
drank lager, came home and... Beat you?
Would you like that? Is that it?
Is that what you'd prefer?
- Drag my knuckles?
- No.
I'd prefer you didn't bring me here
like some Liza fucking Doolittle.
I just don't want it.
What do you think my motivation was?
I just wanted you to enjoy it with me,
a shared experience.
I don't have some fucking agenda.
I love you and I wanted us to have
a nice night out together at the theatre.
Is that so bad?
Well, I don't.
You don't what?
Love you.
W...
I'm sorry, Angus.
Really, I am.
I don't know how you...
I've been inside you.
I know.
Don't finish it, please.
We're good together.
I can change. I can and I will.
I don't want to be on my own.
I don't want to be alone. Please.
I've waited so long
for somebody like you.
Look, you can't make me love you...
Because I can't love.
It's not you. You're lovely
and you're funny and you're kind.
Well, don't fucking finish it, then.
If all that's true,
don't finish it, please.
You are better off without me.
No. No, I'm not. I'm fucking not.
- I'm a monster.
- No.
I am. I'm...
I'm barbaric and I'm sentimental.
Is that the right word?
I could kill somebody, chop up the body
and put it in a tartan biscuit tin.
I'm fucked!
You don't tell me to shut up.
You don't tell me to be quiet.
Of course I don't.
Why would I do that?
I love you.
That is love to me...
And it's not your fault.
I'm going now.
Where are you going?
Are you going back to him
so he can squash you and beat you?
No.
Take care, Angus.
If you knew how much I was hurting inside,
you wouldn't do this. You wouldn't.
Goodbye, Angus.
How do?
I was waiting for you to come.
I didn't know if you were gonna come.
I wouldn't have blamed you
if you didn't come.
Er...
It's for...
It makes me daft when I take it off.
It's a shame, 'cause it suits you.
Yeah.
Look at me hands.
They're all...
I've been waiting for you to come
'cause I wanted to tell you...
I'm really...
I'm really sorry...
For everything that went on.
And...
And um...
I'm sorry for shouting at you.
I'm sorry for... Always shouting at you,
'cause you didn't deserve it,
and I'm sorry that I hit you,
and I know you had to go,
and you should have gone before.
Come here.
Come here.
I can't bend my thing.
Come here.
Come here.
- I'm sorry.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I'm sleepy.
Bye, Bob!
Oh, God.
Here, let me do that.
Are you gonna carry on like this?
I thought I might, yeah.
You are gonna drink yourself to death.
- Give it me!
- Well, I was born in a storm, wun't I?
It's bloody cold in here, Mam.
It's cold everywhere.
You're like a little bird.
- I wanna do something for you.
- Do you?
Yeah, I do.
I know it's not been... Right.
Us.
And I know you don't like to talk.
But I want to take you to the coast...
...to live.
If you like.
I'll buy you a place.
I've been no... Kind of a mother.
No. I'll only drink meself... Stupid.
Aye, well, you can do it
under a big sky, can't you?
I'm so sorry, love.
What are we like, eh?
You might be happy now.
I might be.
Why did you put up with it?
'Cause I didn't know any better.
You should have got out.
Should'a... Could'a, didn't.
You saw him hitting me, Mum.
I were only little.
It wasn't right.
Can't be helped now.
No.
When I was a kid...
I dreamt I was flying.
Flying over Salisbury Plain.
I didn't know it was Salisbury Plain
till I grew up.
It was a beautiful sunny day.
The wind was stinging me face...
Pulling me mouth open.
But it was a memory.
Not a dream.
I was flying.
And I know that isn't right.
But it's true.
I was flying.
See, I've lived my whole life
knowing I can fly.
It's what's kept me up.
Lifted me up.
You see, it's always been
too much for me, life.
Too much and not enough...
All at the same time.
Listen to me going on, eh?