Faculty, The (1998)

Look alive!
Damn it!
Goddamn it!
You call that blocking,
you pussy-pukes?
You gotta pick up
the linebacker!
Goddamn it! Get off the fucking field,
you limp-ass blowdicks!
Consider yourselves dead
Friday night! Dead!
You gonna rejoin
the living tomorrow, Stan?
You've got to feel the pressure
closing in on you!
Then you get rid of the rock!
Now get focused
or get the fuck off my team!
- Shit!
- Let it go.
This better be important or somebody's
gonna be doing laps until sunrise.
Yeah? What?
Please let me finish this
so we can go home. It's late.
Mrs Brummel, with all sadness,
no new computers.
Get the service guy down here
and get the old ones juiced.
Mr Tate,
you're dreaming.
Absolutely no field trips
to New York City.
I don't think
that you understand.
You're not getting out
of Ohio. Rethink it.
And, finally,
Mrs Olson.
There's just no money
for a musical this year.
But I bet the football team gets their
new jerseys and their new equipment.
Have you seen the football stadium
on a Friday night, Mr Tate?
The entire town is there. This is
a football town, let me remind you,
and, yes, the team will get
new jerseys and new knee pads...
and new jock straps and anything else
they want in the name of education...
because that is what
the school board wants.
Because that is what
the parents in this town want.
I'm sorry.
My frustrated hands are tied.
I don't see why we can't have
a few new computers...
so the children will learn
a little set up.
Miss Drake, the Drama Club had their
heart set on Guys and Dolls this year.
Well... maybe if they use
last year's set from Our Town.
Shit, I forgot my keys.
I have to go back.
See you in the morning,
Mrs Olson.
Coach Willis.
What can I do for you?
You look...
very, very pretty tonight,
- Miss Drake.
- Have you been drinking, Coach?
I'm sorry to bother you,
I can't seem to find a pencil.
You don't need a pencil, Coach.
You need a good night's sleep.
- I need a pencil.
- Sleep it off, Coach.
Do you have a pencil?
Jesus Christ, yes, I have a pencil.
I have plenty of pencils.
Look, why don't you and your pencil
go home. It's late.
You look...
very, very pretty tonight.
Harassment has a really fine line,
Coach. Haven't you read your handbook?
I've always wanted to do that.
Would Miss Drake please report...
to the principal's office?
- I forgot my grade book.
- Unlock the door! Coach Willis attacked me!
- Unlock the door, goddamn it!
- I don't have my keys.
- Let me get help.
- No, don't leave me!
- Where are your keys?
- Wait
In the office.
I'm gonna get my keys now,
Mrs Olson.
- Please, let me get help.
- No, just talk to me, okay?
Miss Drake...
please be careful.
He's insane.
Miss Drake, he's coming!
Hurry! Hurry!
Hurry, Miss Drake!
- Shit!
- No!
Help me!
I always wanted to do that.
You fucking bitch!
What the hell
were you doing?
All right?
Sorry. My fault.
Crash and burn, Casey.
Get out of the fucking car,
you stupid bitch!
Goddamn you!
- You okay?
- Walk much?
You ran into me, beast.
Okay, now listen up.
Since we're all wearing the same uniforms,
let's keep
the hair the same.
No hair spray, no teasing,
just elegant.
- Simple. Great.
- Hey.
Stan, watch it. Those are Estee Lauder lips.
Takes 72 minutes to apply.
- Hey, can we talk?
- I can't right now.
I need a new headline
for the school paper. It's important.
- So is this.
- I'm sure you think so, honey.
In fact... it could be just the story
you're looking for.
Do the words "editor-in-chief"
mean anything to you?
Leave the news
to me, okay?
That chick weakens legs, meat.
- One, two, three
- No, not the pole!
Yeah, do it again!
Excuse me.
Could you please tell me where
the office is? It's my first day here.
Thank you.
I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson.
I really love what you've done with your nose ring.
It brings out the colour in your eyes.
You're such a fucking pussy.
Hey, fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you, man!
Fuck you!
Dude, that's not me.
Doesn't even look like me.
It's fifty bucks,
- Does that look like me?
- It's the new you.
I don't know, man. How do we know
these things are even gonna work?
Trust me, man.
I'm brilliant.
Then why are you repeating
your senior year?
All right, look, man.
I'll throw in
a couple hits of this.
Scat. My own recipe.
Guaranteed to jack you up.
Up the nose, right?
Whatever works, man.
Excuse me, Mr Tate.
Try to remember, Harry,
the projector's got teeth.
Sharp ones.
We should be getting hazard pay
for this sort of faulty equipment.
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, good morning, Miss Harper.
I called you this weekend.
I got your machine.
How's your cold?
- I can't get rid of it.
- Hello. How are you today?
A bit tired, but no complaints.
I got it.
Can we say,
Maybe you should just go home.
No, thank you.
I'm saving my sick days
for when I feel better.
Maybe I should just put
a pen in my eye.
When will that bitch turn
the air conditioning back on?
Hey, speaking of which,
has anybody seen Principal Drake?
Maybe she had
a sunstroke and died.
What's up with the coach?
He's thirsty.
Probably a pregame ritual.
Just looking at him
makes me want to take a piss.
Good morning, Mrs Olson.
You look
very, very pretty today.
what was Crusoe's...
greatest fear?
Yes, Zeke.
Crusoe's afraid that he'd be
stuck on that island forever...
with nothing but calluses.
No, that's not correct.
was his greatest fear.
Yes, but...
his external existence
in no way compared...
to the internal agony
of the loneliness he felt.
That's very good.
Like I said, calluses.
So Cathy tells me one thing,
and then Liz says another...
and then, of course,
Jenny's got her own story,
so which one
do you want me to print?
Print them all.
He's a jerk.
- Hey, we need to talk.
- No, Stan, baby, I'm in a crunch.
Could we back-burner it?
- I'm quitting football.
- You're not playing tomorrow?
I'm not playing this year.
Would you listen to me?
I'm quitting the team.
I'm not playing ball... anymore.
What brought this on?
Well, I've been weighing
the importance of being a jock...
- with my impending future, and I decided
- You just decided?
Stan, what about college? The football
scholarship is your only shot.
If I quit now, I can work
harder at studying,
maybe raise
my grades a little.
I'd rather go to college...
based on my intellect.
You're not good
at studying.
Stan, you're good at football.
Stick to what you're good at.
Yeah, I've always been good at football
and basketball and every other sport I try.
I think maybe it's time I try something
I'm not so good at, something different.
And what am I supposed to do while you're
on a yellow-brick quest for a brain?
- What?
- The accepted social order...
is head cheerleaders date star
quarterbacks, not academic wanna-bes.
Don't be superficial.
Four syllables.
That's really good, Stan.
You're on your way.
Let me know how
the cancer cure goes.
I was hoping you'd be
with me on this.
Now, if everyone will turn
to chapter four:
"The Nation of the State."
"Only through conformity
among the masses...
can the unified state offer the benefits
of power order and security."
Actually, we covered that
last week, Mr Tate.
We're on chapter five.
Now if you could all please
join Stan on chapter five:
"Individual Action in Society."
What are you reading?
Double Star.
Robert Heinlein.
You one of those
science fiction people?
Y'all believe in alternate universes
and alien beings and stuff?
I'm feeling pretty alien
myself today.
I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson
of Atlanta. I'm new here.
- No shit.
- What's your name?
Why do you want
to know my name?
'Cause I don't have
any friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem
to have one less than that.
- So I just thought
- Stokely, are you seducing the new students again?
Hi. I'm Delilah.
- Happy to have you at Herrington.
- Thank you.
Don't you love the way Stokely accessorizes
different shades of black in her ensemble?
- Fuck you, gutter slut.
- I don't know why you insist...
on being such a bad example
for your people.
- What people?
- I hope you're not a violent lesbian like your new friend.
I'm not aware of any lesbianism
in my lineage.
That's too bad, Stokely. You'll just
have to keep looking for Miss Right.
Bipolar bitch.
- What are you doing?
- I was just eating my lunch, sir.
This ain't the cafeteria, son.
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry about that, sir.
- I forget your name.
- Casey.
I've seen you around.
You're not really
into sports.
I don't think a person should run
unless he's being chased.
"Being chased."
I like that.
Get outta here.
- Mrs Brummel, may I have a word with you?
- Certainly.
Man, get a fucking eye dog.
Maybe if you didn't paint
your fucking eyes shut.
- Mr Furlong.
- Present.
Found something
on the football field.
Thought you might want
to take a look.
- What is it?
- I was hoping you could tell me.
Want to be
lab partners?
I didn't know
you were a lesbian.
I don't think
I've ever met one before.
Have you been out long?
I think it's very impressive
and evolved of you
I'm not a lesbian,
all right?
Be one. Please.
Fly free.
You were right about me. I don't have
any friends, and I like it that way.
- Being a lesbian is just my security.
- Your security against what?
People like you.
Certain mesozoan...
only exist in the kidney
of certain squid and octopi.
- Which doesn't make sense because
- This is Ohio.
It's a pelagic organism.
- What's pelagic?
- A sea-dwelling organism.
But I don't recognize
this surface tissue at all.
Casey, I don't want to blow smoke up your butt,
but I think you found a new species.
Yeah, right.
It could happen. New species
are discovered every day.
- Don't be so cynical.
- Could it be gnathostomulida?
- No.
- They escaped detection till the mid-20th century.
You just know
I'm a contradiction.
Check the mesodermic follicles
on its underbelly.
- What does that mean?
- It means we gotta call the university,
let them take a look, maybe get in
on some of that federal grant money.
Our secret...
all right?
- Hey, Stokely, maybe it's from your planet.
- Blow me, blood fart.
Did you see that?
What is it doing?
- You think it's amphibian?
- Water resuscitated it.
Yeah, but couldn't this kill it?
Yeah, you don't want
to drown it.
- One way to find out.
- Man.
It's all right.
It's okay.
Mr Furlong,
what are you doing?
I'm just gonna check
his prostate.
the surface texture changed,
so... I want to feel it.
It can replicate.
Goddamn it!
- I'm okay.
- It has teeth.
Where did it get teeth?
I'm gonna call the university.
I've just been thinking
ahead, Coach,
I've decided
to quit the team...
and concentrate
on my academics.
Stan, we'll miss you.
That's it?
Well, what do you
want me to say?
My star quarterback comes to me the day
before we play Brun County,
the only team in the district
that can kick our ass,
and tells me
he doesn't want to play.
There's something up with that.
You seem to be going through
some life-defining turning point,
and I'm not gonna stand in the way
of the human condition.
You do what you have to do.
Thanks for not reaming me,
What kind of human being
would I be if I did that?
Hey, give me that back.
Hey, yo, piss wad,
you're in my way.
I'm sorry.
I was breathing here.
Yeah, that's the problem.
You're occupying my air, you anal probe.
Yo, Stan.
Tomorrow night, right?
That's right.
We'll kill them!
We draw blood! Yeah!
- It must really blow being you.
- You have no idea.
Yo, Casey, is that you?
- Mrs Brummel, what the fuck
- Please.
Help me.
I can't breathe.
Get help!
You don't know what's happening.
They want everyone.
It's okay.
Is Mrs Brummel
gonna be okay?
Stan, Mrs Brummel has been
diagnosed with cancer,
and she's on a lot
of medication at the moment.
It causes
We were hoping that she would get through
the school year, but unfortunately it
I hope you can understand
the sensitive nature of the situation.
I can keep it quiet.
Casey? You understand?
Casey, you understand?
- Casey?
- Yeah.
- It's Neve Campbell?
- And Jennifer Love Hewitt, right?
Party of prettiness.
- And they're naked?
- Full frontal.
Zeke, you cannot conduct
personal business on school property.
Well, Miss Burke,
we have a problem...
because I'm sitting on my car
and that's my property.
Well, I've had complaints
from several students...
that you've sold them
mind-altering substances.
You want to tell me about it
or take it up with Principal Drake?
You're too tense, Miss Burke,
but I've got just the thing for you.
You know, Zeke, I'm the authority figure
here. It's time you realized that.
"For gentle relief of blockage
caused by dietary stress."
- Chocolate-flavoured laxatives.
- You know...
if you applied
just five percent...
- of that intellect to your studies,
- Not a chocolate lover?
you could have made up
your finals last summer.
- You didn't have to repeat your senior year.
- How about these?
and they're cherry-flavoured.
Come on, Miss Burke.
They're on me.
That's so rude.
I need a lead story.
I have no page one.
Well, we found a new phylum
in Biology. It's bizarre.
Really bizarre. Mr Furlong thinks
it might be a new species.
Let me race to the
stands for that issue.
- Why do you rag on me so much? What did I do?
- Nothing.
It's just your fate.
You're that geeky Stephen King kid.
There's one of you
in every school.
- We can't go in here.
- Come on, Casey.
You're with me.
Be brave.
Okay, so what are
we looking for?
Nurse Harper is medicated.
Big surprise.
No, I exposed Mr Tate's alcoholism
last year. Nobody cares.
Well, his wife certainly didn't
when she ran off with the baby-sitter.
- You can be such a...
- What?
pretty cool human being when you're
not being a first-class, grade-A bitch.
You hitting on me, Casey?
No. No.
I just think
you can be cool.
This not being
one of them.
- Where's Brummel?
- She didn't make it.
Her body was too old.
The heat got to her.
Be careful of the climate.
It compromises your nervous system.
It makes one impulsive.
Has the entire faculty
been commuted?
- What about the students?
- Soon.
What are you two
still doing here?
I thought I was
the only left.
There are not enough drugs
in this world.
I have a pain.
Right here.
Get off of me! Jesus!
What the hell
is going on?
- Slow down there.
- Help us. They killed Mrs Brummel. They're after us.
What are you talking about?
- Coach Willis.
- And Mrs Olson.
- What's going on?
- Ask Nurse Harper, okay? They attacked her.
Who attacked who?
What is going on?
I have no idea. I joined this right
in the middle of it.
Mrs Brummel wigged out in the shower,
and then we found her body in the faculty closet.
What were you doing
in the faculty closet?
- Coach Willis and Mrs Olson attacked Nurse Harper.
- Why would they do that?
There's Nurse Harper.
Just ask her.
Now we can get
to the bottom of this.
- Fuck.
- Delilah, run!
Delilah, wait!
In here?
Yes. The body
was in the closet.
- And why would Mrs Brummel be in the closet?
- Because they killed her.
- That's right.
- Hey, Casey.
Sorry about that mix-up earlier.
Didn't mean to scare you.
Apparently, there's been
a misunderstanding.
Still, if we could just
see inside the closet.
- It's a doll.
- Meet Resuscitation Annie.
We use her to teach C.P.R.
to the students,
although I guess she does
resemble Mrs Brummel slightly.
- You dialled 911 for a dead doll?
- That wasn't there.
They put that there.
Look, I'm not making this up.
- You gotta call Delilah.
- We called her. She isn't home.
She was here with me.
She saw it too.
They attacked Nurse Harper.
- Nurse Harper is epileptic. She's prone to grand mals.
- She had an attack.
Luckily, she carries her medicine in her bag,
so we were able to help her.
We think it was brought on by this terrible
cold she's had. I took her home myself.
- You can call her if you like.
- It is procedure.
You can use the phone
in my office.
That was some fast running
you did down the hall, son.
We could sure use your speed.
There's plenty of chasing
on the field.
Did you hear that, Casey?
He said you had speed.
- Thank you.
- Good luck in that game tomorrow, Coach.
This way.
what's gotten into you?
Evelyn knows someone downtown.
A professional.
I'm gonna make an appointment.
He's a straight-A student,
and now he needs a professional?
- Christ.
- I don't need a shrink. I know what I saw.
Well, we've just spoken...
with both Mrs Brummel
and Nurse Harper.
- They got him.
- There's nothing here.
Just some kid looking
for some attention. Let's go.
All right.
I am so sorry,
Miss Drake.
Maybe if you and I spoke privately,
we could come up with
No. No, Mom.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should see
this woman, this doctor.
Can we just go?
We'll take care of this at home, Miss
Drake. Again, sorry for all the trouble.
I can see how it all
got out of hand.
It's a pretty bizarre
series of events.
It's our fault.
It won't happen again.
See you tomorrow, Casey.
Check his school books.
They hide the drugs in the spine
of the book. We saw it on Dateline.
- What are you on, son?
- I'm not on drugs.
That's government property, Dad.
Look, we love you, son.
We want to help you.
Then believe me.
I'm telling the truth.
Something really weird
is happening at school. The teachers
- Something's happened to them.
- Don't push it, all right?
- I'm bending as far as I can, but if you push it
- Just let me call Delilah.
Okay, that's it.
Your privileges
are now over.
No phone. Sorry. Over.
No internet.
You'll go to school, straight to school,
and you'll come straight home. You got it?
I'm not going back to that school.
They're waiting for me.
You'll go. If I have to tie you
to the desk myself, you'll go.
No music.
His porno.
Sorry, pal. No more
flogging the bishop.
We are gonna
get you help. Don't worry.
Get your room
cleaned up.
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
Dad. They're here.
The faculty.
Get in the house, now.
I'm losing it.
- Go on, son.
- Dad, I'm begging you.
Come home
right after school.
Your mom's
looking into a doctor.
Mr Connor.
Wow, you look
Don't. Come on.
Your attention, please.
Will the following students
report to the office:
James Archuleta,
Tina Dannhausen,
and Delilah Proffitt.
- This is all your fault.
- What do you mean?
Do you think I'm in drag
for the aesthetics?
They're after me.
- Did you tell your parents?
- My mom didn't believe me.
She drinks.
It was a nightmare.
- Look, we have to go to the police.
- No.
- They've got the police.
- We don't know what they've got.
Look, you saw it.
Mrs Brummel was dead.
- They attacked Nurse Harper.
- "They"? Who are "they"?
Casey, we don't even know
who "they" are.
Why did she act
like everything was okay?
It's a devil's cult
or something.
Maybe they worship comets.
Who the fuck knows?
I'm not gonna stay in a handicapped
bathroom for the rest of my life.
- They couldn't have gotten to everyone.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to find Stan.
- Stan? Why Stan?
Will the following students
please report to the office:
Jennifer Qulick,
Randy Knotson and Thomas Nicks.
You should just
go talk to him.
No way.
I'm sorry.
So you Are you ready
for the big game?
I quit the team.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Just tired of everyone kissing my ass
'cause I'm captain of the football team.
You know... the coach, the students,
even the teachers.
Last year after we won
the 2A Conference
That was thanks to you
and your completed passes.
You follow the games?
I wouldn't
have guessed that.
I made a "D" on a biology test
right after,
and Mr Furlong
changed it to an "A."
He said I deserved
for having such a strong arm.
That really bugged me,
you know?
I worked hard for that "D."
That was my "D." I deserved that "D."
I just wish people
would let me be, you know
A "D" student.
Okay, class, listen up.
Today we are going to write
a living family history.
Everyone take out a piece of paper
and write down the name...
of every living member
of your family.
Begin with your immediate family
those living with you
then include the names
of your nearest living relatives.
- Is this gonna be on the test?
- This is the test.
What is that?
It's magic dust.
- You want some?
- No, I have a low tolerance, but thank you.
- You sure?
- I'm allergic to aspirin,
so that would
probably kill me.
- We wouldn't want to do that.
- No.
I'm Marybeth Louise Hutchinson
of Atlanta.
I know.
That's right.
You know everything.
I'm Zeke.
- I know.
- It's a pleasure.
The pleasure's
all mine.
There's a mandatory meeting in the office
at lunch today for all club presidents.
Remember, tonight we take on
the Brun County Changa.
- Please come at 5:30 and show your support.
- Hey, that's mine.
Weird, isn't it?
- What do you think it is?
- Locker search maybe?
Something weird
is going on here.
Hey, Football.
Hey, Gabe.
- You're not pissed, are you?
- About what?
I'm the new team captain.
What's going on here?
Nurse Harper, she's giving an ear exam
or some shit like that.
And that takes the police?
Stan, I need
to talk to you.
I didn't know
you wore glasses.
Come on, it's important.
Stokely, got a second?
I need your help.
So after the accident, I came here
to live with relatives, you know.
So I moved in
with my cousins and... here I am.
Fucking do something,
you pussy puke!
Yeah, my mom and dad
are dead too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
They're still breathing,
but for all intents and purposes,
they're very much dead.
You've fucking gone weird.
Fuck you, you pussy.
- Fuck you!
- You and I have a lot in common then.
- You notice anything off today here at school?
- I'm from the south.
- Y'all are off.
- Dude, we need some scat.
Yeah, man, we can't deal.
There's some weird shit going down here.
Five bucks a pop. Hey, man,
how's the new you working out?
Working out just fine.
Hey, you got any more?
- Sure, man.
- Really?
Why don't you give us
all you got?
All right.
- You got any more?
- Not on me, man.
- What about in your locker?
- How about in your car? Got any more there?
- Use in moderation, boys.
- Come on, Zeke. Hook us up.
- Check out Miss Burke.
- Wow, what happened to her?
Man, I'm really not in the mood,
Miss Burke. I'm clean.
- What's up with her?
- Not today.
It's too damn hot, and I got
Eat me, you asshole. I'm the one with
no tolerance, you pathetic little runt.
Ouch. Comeback.
What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna call my mother?
And how am I supposed to do
that, little Zekey boy?
Do you even know
where she is?
Europe, Sri Lanka, Japan? I wonder what
remote location she went to this week...
to hide from her
great big bastard mistake.
I've taken your shit
for too fucking long,
you dickless drug-induced
excuse for a human being.
- Woman, what are you on?
- "Woman"? Did you just say, "woman"?
I'm sick of you,
little boy.
And if I see you peddling
your wonder dust again,
I'm gonna shove my foot
so far up your ass...
you'll be sucking my toes
till graduation.
Big trouble.
She got some bad shit.
And then they chased us,
but we got away.
All this started when Mrs Brummel
did a wet and wild...
- in the boys' locker room?
- I think so.
Everybody's been acting really strange,
especially the faculty.
Tell me about it. It's like they've
all turned into fucking pod people...
- or something.
- Into what people?
Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
A small town was taken over by aliens.
That was a joke.
Look, what if it
really happened?
- What if that really happened?
- I think something's taking over our school.
The Body Snatchers is a story
somebody made up, dingus.
It's located in the fiction
section of the library.
So is Schindler's List. All fiction
is based on some truth, right?
What does Miss Burke teach us
in English 101? Write what you know.
How do we know
this writer guy...
- Jack Finney.
- didn't encounter aliens in his high school...
which led him to write a book
about an alien invasion?
- Your conspiracy theory is flawed.
- How so?
Jack Finney's The Body Snatchers
is a blatant rip-off...
of The Puppet Masters
by Robert Heinlein.
So you can completely disregard
that entire work.
The point is they're here,
they've been here
and they're here again.
You know, Casey, I think you've been racked
into the flagpole one too many times.
Look, how do you know
there's not a conspiracy?
Maybe X-Files is right.
Where do all these movies
come from anyway?
How do we know Spielberg,
Lucas, Sonnenfeld,
Emmerich haven't been
visited by aliens?
You know, maybe they're
aliens themselves.
Maybe they're simply preparing us
for what's to come.
You know what, Casey,
it's fiction. Okay?
- It's science fiction.
- Exactly.
Everybody gets hung up on the science
part, which has nothing to do with it.
They're getting at us
through the fiction.
So, aliens have just been
setting us up over the years,
creating this happy little
make-believe existence...
with their E.T.
and their Men In Black movies...
just so that nobody would believe it
if it really happened?
I think so.
- You're not buying this, are you?
- No, I'm not.
But it's kind of cool.
Okay, so what's missing?
Well, in The Body Snatchers,
they were pods, but where are they?
I mean, where are the pods?
There are no pods.
There's gotta be
something else.
In Puppet Masters,
they were parasites.
- I filled Stan in.
- Come with us. Stokely's onto something.
Furlong must have sent it
up to the university.
- Doubtful.
- Where else could it be?
What? What is it?
Will someone please tell me
what the hell's going on here?
It all started yesterday when
I found this thing, this new species.
Which is now missing.
We think aliens are
taking over our school.
Right. Come on.
You saw what Brummel
did in the shower.
I saw her dead body
in the closet.
They've been calling students into the office.
The students with the most influence on down,
including the new team captain.
Looks like you picked
the right week to quit football.
You think aliens have
infested our school?
That would explain their weird
behaviour, wouldn't it?
Give me a fucking break.
So, what are we
doing in here?
- I've got a very large grocery list.
- What are you talking about?
This is where
I get my equipment.
You borrow it
from science labs?
I like to think of it
as stealing, actually.
Just doing my part to the
deconstruction of America.
So if anybody
finds us in here,
just grab ahold of me and pretend
we're making out.
The punishment
will be less severe.
- Aliens?
- Do you have a better explanation, Stan?
Great. Just listen to yourselves.
Our teachers are aliens?
That's not weird,
that's fucking psychotic.
Come on, guys.
This is nuts.
Then leave, Stan. Why are you
hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.
Blow me, Delilah,
'cause I'm sick of your shit.
Get the fuck out of here
and take your freak dyke with you.
Fuck you, tit bags.
- Will everybody calm down, please?
- All right, Casey.
Let's go alien for a second.
Why here?
Why Ohio?
If you were going
to take over the world,
would you blow up the White House
Independence Day style...
or sneak in
through the backdoor?
Man, the only person
in this school who is an alien...
is you, man.
Fuck you, Zeke.
What's going on here?
Shouldn't you people
be in class?
Well, it's like this,
Mr Furlong,
Casey here
thinks you're an alien.
- Really?
- The whole faculty, actually.
Is that true?
The thing I found yesterday
Where is it?
I sent it to the university.
Do they know what it is?
Look, sorry to impose and
disrupt, Mr Furlong, but
If you'd kindly take your seats,
this will be over quite quickly.
Now sit down!
- Put him the fuck down, Furlong.
- This is for the best, Zeke.
Goddamn it!
Come on.
This is usually the point where somebody
says, "Let's get the fuck outta here."
Let's get the fuck outta here.
Aliens are taking over
the fucking school.
We gotta have proof.
All right, everybody,
here's the deal.
We're heading straight
for the parking lot.
Pull it together,
and try to stay calm.
What's Stan hanging out
with those guys for?
My car.
- Where are we going?
- Anywhere but here.
- There he is. Let's go.
- Where you going, buddy?
- We're going to
- Come on, Stan. Jesus Christ.
- Get in the fucking car.
- Sure you don't want to play with us?
Nah, Gabe... but thanks.
What the fuck is going on?
Let's see if anybody's talking.
Who the fuck are these guys?
All right,
pull over here, fellas.
- Fuck this shit.
- Hey!
- Where's your mom and dad?
- Europe, I think.
- My God.
- This is some serious shit.
This is your big secret?
Caffeine pills?
You didn't see that.
What are we gonna do with
the police not being an option?
I can call my dad.
He'd know what to do.
If he's even
your dad anymore.
It's called a gun, man.
What is it?
We're gonna find out.
Hey, come here, Oscar.
Come here, buddy.
Now what?
I'm sorry, buddy.
See? It's a parasite.
It attaches itself to a host,
and then it controls it.
- It's incomplete.
- What do you mean?
It can survive on its own, but it's
really part of a greater organism.
Look, it has the ability to replicate,
but it needs a host.
Something moist.
See what it did to Oscar's insides.
It dried them out.
Hey, isn't a human body
composed mainly of water?
They're using us.
- Drying us out.
- Like Mrs Brummel, right?
I overheard the coach.
Her body was too old.
She didn't take.
See, this partially explains
what happened to Furlong.
That drug's a diuretic.
Dries it out. Kills it.
They're using us as hosts. They're just
turning us into mindless slaves...
- they can control.
- How do you know that?
She doesn't.
She's a Trekkie sci-fi freak.
Who's been right so far.
How do we stop it?
Yeah, Stokely,
this is your area.
In theory,
they're all connected.
- If we kill the master, we get them all.
- "In theory."
What happens to everybody else?
The ones who've been taken over?
Do they just die?
No, they don't.
They would become human again.
But that is
in theory, so
So if we found the leader
and killed it,
- we'd beat it.
- What are we even talking about?
- I say we get the fuck out of town.
- And go where?
Don't you see? We got to stop it
or it's gonna spread.
It took the high school
in a day and a half.
Give it a week,
we'll never outrun it.
- We have to fight.
- Fight what?
We don't even know
who's alien and who's not.
What if one of us was an alien
right now? How would we know?
He's right. How do I know
you're really Casey?
How do I know
you're really you?
In Body Snatchers,
humans became emotionless.
- They completely lost their identities.
- The coach had emotion.
I mean, he's usually a real hard-ass,
but he was different somehow.
His behaviour
was slightly odd.
Like a star quarterback who mysteriously
quits the football team?
What are you doing, Delilah?
I'm just pointing out
your "slightly odd" behaviour, Stan.
You've been acting really weird
the last couple of days.
I'm not an alien,
I'm discontent.
- There's another big word.
- You want to talk slightly odd?
What about you? You haven't been
without your contacts...
or hair spray
since birth.
- I'm incognito.
- We just have to trust each other.
And I'm supposed to trust you? Tell me something,
Miss Lesbian, when did you start liking boys?
- What the fuck you talking about?
- I see the way you look at Stan.
So when did you stop
She's not a lesbian.
That was a hoax.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And what about you,
Miss Atlanta?
It's just really convenient that you showed up
the second all these things started happening.
- What are you doing in Ohio anyway?
- It's not my fault.
Hey, shut up.
She's got a point, Zeke.
Yeah, Zeke, Professor.
I mean, you seem to know an awful lot
about this stuff.
No offence, but you're not exactly known
for your academic achievements.
Neither are you, man.
- Casey, when did you become Sigourney Weaver?
- Wha
All right,
this is getting us nowhere.
I got a solution.
We know this outs them, right?
Take a hit.
No way, man.
I don't do drugs.
Come on, man. If you're not an alien,
you got nothing to worry about.
Zeke's right.
This is the only way
to know for sure.
Yeah, come on, Stan.
What are you afraid of, man?
Look, we all do it.
- Casey.
- Why me first?
It's your birthright, man.
Just fucking take it.
Easy, boy.
What about you, Zeke? How do we know
you're not one of those fucking things?
I don't get high
on my own stash, man.
Fuck that, man!
You're taking it.
You're taking it.
Now what the hell's wrong with him?
Nothing's wrong with him,
you asshole.
He's tweaking.
Let him fucking tweak!
Tweak. Tweak.
Now you.
Your turn.
I'm not putting that hack drug
up my nose.
- It's so '80s.
- Aliens are taking over the Earth. Weigh it.
- What's in it?
- Mostly caffeine. Some other household shit.
Now you,
No. Her first.
- I'm allergic.
- Yeah, and I'm Portuguese. Who cares?
Is she always this much fun, man?
Sometimes she can be a real bitch.
You know what I'm saying? You know?
You both take it.
Zeke, I can't.
You know, I can't.
You have to take it.
Shoot her. Shoot her
in the head, Casey.
- Stan, I don't know what's happening.
- Shoot her, Casey.
- Don't shoot her, Casey.
- Shoot her, Casey. She's fucking one of them, man!
There's nowhere to go.
Nowhere to hide.
We're everywhere.
I'll fucking shoot her.
Get her!
She's getting away!
- Hurry!
- Shit!
I should have known that
crazy bitch was one of them.
We can get her back, Zeke.
We can get them all back.
She destroyed most of my supply.
Look, if we kill the queen,
we can get them all back.
- How much do we have left?
- Not much.
But we only need enough
to get the queen.
- We get her, we get them all, right?
- I think so.
- Where are we gonna find her?
- Friday night? Only one place she can be.
Go Hornets!
He crosses the field!
Eludes the tacklers!
Tackled by four Hornets
with authority.
Somebody stung
by the Hornets!
Come on, ladies!
Let's play four quarters!
Get in there
and take his fucking head off.
Kill! Kill!
- You think it's Principal Drake?
- Who else?
She's in charge.
It would make perfect sense.
They're getting everybody.
I mean, the whole town is here.
By morning, there won't be
a human left.
Come on.
Where are you guys?
We found Drake.
She's at the game.
What are you kids
doing in here?
The gym is closed.
All of you come with me.
We can't do that,
Miss Drake.
Why is that?
Get her.
Quick, Zeke, get the doors!
Get me out!
You're all expelled!
- Stop the act. No one's buying it.
- We know who you are.
You're in a lot of trouble.
What are you doing?
- You ready?
- Yep.
Sniff this.
- No.
- Sniff it or he shoots you.
I will not.
Now what?
We do it the hard way.
With Mr Furlong, we plunged it into his
eye, and the reaction was instantaneous.
You stick her, and then I'll shoot her
before it erupts all over the place.
Casey, are you on drugs?
- What's wrong?
- Are we sure?
Please don't, Casey!
Don't wuss out, Casey!
Just do it!
What if we were wrong?
Stab it
and find out.
I think we made a mistake, guys.
She's dead.
Is that it?
Let's see if it worked.
It better have worked,
or there are gonna be
a lot of infected people going home.
We're right at ground zero.
You guys stay here.
I'll go check it out.
I'm gonna need some scat.
Use it wisely, man.
What if it wasn't Drake?
Then we're fucked.
I just don't want
to never have done that.
What are you looking at?
Jesus, I wish I'd never come here.
I don't like this place.
Any sign of him?
I can't tell.
I can barely see anything.
Quick, Stokely,
open the door.
No, Stokely! We don't know
if it's still him.
No, it's me.
Listen, it wasn't Drake.
It's the coach,
and he's right after me. Open the door.
Don't do it, Stoke.
Prove it, Stan. Where's the drug?
I lost it. The coach was too fast for me.
Please, Stokely, don't leave me out here.
- Last one, man.
- Please, I'm begging you! Don't leave me out here!
- Come on, Stokely. Open the door.
- There, try it.
Okay, I'll do it. I'll
Just let me do it inside.
Do it right now, man.
- Take the test, man.
- Stan, take the drug, man. Prove it to us.
Open the door.
It is so much better.
There's no fear...
or pain.
It's beautiful.
And you will be beautiful.
You'll be beautiful.
No problems or worries.
We want you.
I want you.
I want you.
Now open the fucking door!
- Open the door!
- Come away.
Go a-fucking-way, Stan!
It's too late, Stokely.
We've already won.
No pain, Stan?
Well, come in here,
and I'll show you some fucking pain!
I say we go for the coach.
He turned Stan.
He's the one.
Would you rather wait
for them to come to us?
Either way,
we're completely unarmed.
Maybe not. I might
have some more scat.
- In my trunk.
- In your trunk.
In your car, amongst the aliens.
That's convenient.
You got a better idea?
You out there, buddy?
Does it really take two of us
to get to your car?
Nope. One of us
is a decoy.
Get him!
Where did he go?
- Check over there.
- Come on! Find him!
Hello, Casey.
Where are you gonna go?
Class wuss.
Eternal little loser...
who comes to school every day
knowing that this is it.
You've been
labelled pathetic...
since first grade, and you're afraid it's
gonna bleed over for the rest of your life.
But we can stop it, Casey.
We can help you belong.
Isn't that what you really want?
Please don't do this,
I haven't been this happy
since probably
since before my dad died.
You know you want me, Casey.
Come on.
Let's do it together.
Hello, Miss Burke.
Hello, sweetie pie.
- What are you looking for?
- Nothing important.
So, I take it you changed your mind
about the chocolate laxatives?
Actually, I had my heart set on something
cherry-flavoured. You know what I mean?
Sorry, I'm all out of those.
I might have something else
for you though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Something tasty?
- Let me hook you up.
Hello, Zekey boy.
You're too tense, honey.
Fuck this.
I'm outta here.
I always thought the only alien
in this high school was me.
Not the case.
Who do you think it is,
the master alien, the queen bee?
It could be anyone.
What happens at the end
of these stories, Stokely?
How does Invasion of the
Body Snatchers turn out?
They get us.
They win. We lose.
Do we?
Maybe we really win.
Stan didn't
look unhappy.
That's 'cause
it wasn't Stan.
They took away
who he was.
Maybe they just bettered
who he was,
cleared away
his confusion.
I know you pride yourself
on being the outsider, Stokely,
but aren't you tired
of being something you're not?
I know I am.
No fucking way!
Run, Stokes!
Stokes! Stokes!
Come on, Stokes.
Come on!
- Hello?
- Zeke, I'm over here.
Watch out.
It's her.
- Zeke, don't believe her. It's her.
- She attacked me. Please, Zeke.
- What's going on here, Marybeth?
- Please, it is her.
She's lying.
She's trying to fake you out.
We don't know what she is:
gay, straight, alien.
Answer me something,
Why are you naked?
Does it bother you,
Zeke? My body?
- I'm getting kind of used to it myself.
- But I saw you take the test.
Zeke, how the hell can you
be sure what you saw?
It was sweet of you
to bond with me.
To be nice to me was sweet.
Will it work again, baby?
Do you like
what you see?
- Take this.
- Now, Marybeth.
- You sniff it.
- You're out of your fucking mind.
I'm not taking any chances. I leave for
five minutes, and everyone's an alien.
Now if I have to Men In Black your ass,
you're gonna fucking sniff it.
Happy now?
Jesus. I'm fucking
seeing two of everything.
Zeke. Zeke!
Come on, buddy.
Get up.
He's over here.
Casey, come out, come out,
wherever you are.
You know,
in my world, Casey,
there were limitless oceans
as far as the eye could see.
A beautiful home
until it started to dry up.
So I escaped,
came here and met you.
All of you.
All of you were different
from the others.
Thanks, pal.
You were lost and lonely,
just like me.
And I thought that maybe
I could give you a taste of my world:
a world without anger,
without fear, without attitude.
Where the underachiever
goes home at night to parents who care.
The jock can be smart,
the ugly duckling beautiful,
and the class wuss doesn't
have to live in terror.
And the new girl Well, she can just fit
right in with people who are just like her.
You see, Casey, even Marybeth's
feelings can be hurt...
by a bunch of pathetic,
lost, little outcasts...
who truly believe that their
disaffected lonely life...
is the only way
they can survive.
I can make you a part of something
so special, Casey, so perfect,
so fearless.
Don't you want that, Casey?
I'd rather be afraid.
Fine. All right.
Have it your way.
'Cause this is where your land
of fiction gets it right.
We win.
End of story.
Guaranteed to jack you up.
You wouldn't have
liked it here anyway.
Stokes. Stokes.
Are you... you?
I think so.
I hope so.
- Shit!
- Is it over?
All right, you little fuck-pukes,
quit screwing around!
As you can see, life has returned
to normal at Herrington High...
after the mysterious disappearance of
several faculty members one month ago.
Both the local authorities and
the F.B.I. have largely discounted...
several students' claim
that an extraterrestrial was involved.
A spokesperson for the F.B.I.
has indicated...
that no substantiating evidence
has been found.
That goes for you too, Zeke!
Just 'cause you're the new guy doesn't
mean we're gonna cut you any slack!
Put that butt out
and get in there!
Now bring that camera over here.
When do you think they're
gonna find a new story?
Haven't they milked our little
high school invasion to death?
Although there has been
no evidence of foul play,
the criminal investigation
is ongoing.
No regrets?
None whatsoever.
So, how does it feel
to be a hero?
It's all right, I guess.
I don't know, it's...
- different.
- That's him over there. Hey, Casey.
Your fan club's here again.
Network or local?
You know, you can be
pretty cool sometimes.
Things sure have changed,
haven't they?