- Come, come to me,
mi hijo.
- Tiffani, you are crying.
Why, my darling?
- Oh, Ernesto,
it's just I've been
with so many men.
- Have there been many?
- No.
- It will not matter
if you have been
with millions of men.
- Well,
you're getting warm.
With other men it's just sex.
Random trashy sex
that goes on for days.
But with you,
I will finally make love.
Oh, Ernesto,
I totally love you.
- I want to make
many children.
- Yes, children.
Put children in me now!
Fuck me now!
Harder, Ernesto, come on.
Oh, yes, fuck me
like a day laborer.
Yeah, baby,
take me from behind.
Use me, treat me
like a fuck machine.
Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!
- In the butt?
- Yes, in the butt, now.
- Tiffani, we must stop.
- If you stop
I'll rip off your dick
and shove it in there myself.
- Tiffani,
we're in a coffin.
- Shut up,
you're ruining my fantasy.
- Tiffani.
- Shit, my speech.
Gracias, Ernesto.
I love funerals.
- Kyle and Mark loved life,
and that's why
we're here today.
My son was so proud
of his homosexuality
that he would want you all
to know exactly how he died.
My son rocketed off
this mortal coil
at 80 miles an hour
down the Ronald Regan freeway
while giving the man he loved
a blowjob.
According
to the autopsy report,
as Mark began to bust a nut,
Celine Dion's tour bus appeared
going in the wrong direction.
Upon impact,
my boys came together.
And they died together,
doing what they loved.
Amen.
Kyle's best friend,
Tiffani Vanderslut,
has prepared a special tribute.
- I wouldn't call us
best friends exactly.
This number goes out to you,
Kyle and Mark.
Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?
I remember the time
Kyle pretended to be straight
for my ex boyfriend, Troy,
who made him eat my pussy.
And then everything went...
Well, maybe that's not
an appropriate memory.
And Mark.
Actually I hardly knew you
but whatever,
thanks for coming.
Here's a little diddy
I learned in Girl Scouts.
I had to look up the lyrics
online.
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's praying, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's squirming, #
# my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Someone's horny, my lord, #
# cum-by-ya. #
# Oh yes, my lord! #
# Cum-by-ya. #
Oh, God, it's so hard,
I just need to...
pray.
- Lord,
hear our prayer.
- I'm gonna love
this town.
- It isn't much,
but I can give you
a good deal on the rent.
- It's perfection.
- You haven't seen it.
- It's near my Aunt,
what more could I want?
- Well, it is furnished
and it'll be nice
to have family around.
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
- I just wish you and Kyle
could've spent
more time together.
Did he know you were a mo?
- Uh...
I didn't know I was a mo
until like a year ago.
- Color me, Britney.
I always thought you were gayer
than a midnight screening
of Showgirls.
- I was
one of those clueless gays.
Everyone knew but me.
- So when did you finally
get your man-cherry popped?
- Aunt Helen!
You don't wanna hear about that.
- Of course I do.
I wouldn't be a good aunt
if I didn't.
- 696? Is that local?
- Well, I gave your number
to that slut
from the funeral, Tiffani.
- Oh, I love her.
- Kyle adored her.
And, well, I thought
you might need some new friends,
even if they are loser whores.
- Hello?
- Casey, Casey.
- Hey, Tiffani.
- How did you know
it was me?
- I remembered
your sultry voice
form the funeral.
- Compliments
will get you nowhere
unless you're straight.
And hung like Mr. T.
- Damn and damn.
- As I thought.
Your aunt tells me
you need a job,
why don't you get
your faggoty ass
down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.
- You are such a stud.
- I know.
Fuff!
Where have you been
sticking these things?
- Oh!
- Go on,
go get your tramp on.
- Thank you, Aunt Helen.
- I am the coolest adult
in the world.
Oh, Kyle...
My little queen.
- Nail Me, we do nails.
With release!
No, I'm kidding, I mean,
unless you're a really hot guy.
Are you?
Well, I'm sorry you don't find
my brand of humor...
Well, I'm sorry I offended
your Christian sensibility,
but if you worship a guy
who was hung on a cross,
nails should be the last thing
on your mind.
Who needs customer
like her anyway.
- Let me introduce you
to the girls.
Pam, Candy.
- They said they can't wait
to get to know you.
- Cool.
Tell them I feel the same way.
- Basically, you sweep up,
take phone calls
and do whatever we say.
Can you handle that?
- Is Madonna awesome?
- Okay.
Well the job's yours anyway,
but there's one little catch.
You have to come with me
to this event thingy.
- I love event thingies.
- You try too hard.
Come on.
- Right now?
What about work?
- Fuck them.
- Fuck you, too.
- What are we doing here?
I don't like places like this.
- Me neither,
but they have this fundraiser
where they auction off dates
with shirtless beefcakes.
Nudity and open bar.
- You're taking me to that?!
- No, it's in two weeks.
And you're taking me.
Kyle was going to,
but, you know, he's dead.
So you're going to volunteer
and get us free tickets.
- But I'm so not
a hot shirtless man.
- You're hardly a man,
no one would pay for you,
you'll help out
behind the scenes.
- Why would I do that?
- I gave you that job
and I can replace you
with an immigrant, like that!
- Okay, okay,
it's just that I'm not
into the whole gay scene.
- Welcome
to the whole gay scene.
Are you kids here
to volunteer?
- I'm not but Casey is.
- Fabulous.
Darling, you're shaking
like a little Chihuahua.
Don't be nervous,
I don't bite...much.
- He's never volunteered
before.
- Oh, a virgin.
- If you don't count
anal.
- Well, either way,
fill out this paperwork
and then I'll have Zack,
our volunteer coordinator,
meet with you and figure out
which position
you'd be most comfortable in.
So to speak.
- That's why
I don't like these places.
They're full of these
old horn dogs
looking to get laid.
- Jesus.
Lay off the fox news.
- Really, I always hear
'the gay community' this,
the 'gay community' that.
But all I see are a bunch
of drunk assholes
looking for sex,
who don't care anything
about relationships.
- Excuse me,
Maria full of grace,
but that doesn't sound
any different
than any straight bar.
Drunk sweaty men.
Drooling, groping,
pressing their manhood
all up against
your supple ass
on the dance floor.
- God, you are gayer
than I am.
- Honey, I'm gayer
than a Kevin Spacey
Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,
and what's wrong with that?
- Nothing, it's just
I'm disappointed
at how sex-centric
the gay community is.
- It's called homosexual,
not homo-hug-ual,
what did you expect?
- Romance?
I want to travel the world
on scooters, adopt children.
- Children
are just abortions that eat.
- You know what?
Forget it, I am not signing
that stupid...
Oh, my fuck.
- I see you got
your paperwork.
- Uh, yeah...
just let me sign it.
- Cool.
Jonathan?
- Uh, Casey.
- Oh, I'm Zack.
This is Tandy.
- I'm his best friend.
- That's so funny,
I'm here with my best friend,
Tiffani.
- No, I'm more like
your boss.
- Wow, best friends
with T names.
- Yeah, we should like
form a club.
- Excuse me,
I gotta go take a shit.
- I'll come with.
- So you're comfortable
taking off your clothes?
- What?
- Oh, I just assumed
you were volunteering
to be one of the studs
in the male sale.
- I'm clearly not a...
stud.
Are you a...a stud?
I mean in the male sale?
- Yes, I'm in the auction.
But I sorta do
everything around here.
- So, wow, how'd you get
into volunteering?
- I'm running credit
for this faggotry studies class
and it's a good way
to meet people.
- Totally good way.
- Well, they look
like they're getting along.
- I guess we have to pretend
to like each other now.
- Wow, you're really good
at it.
- What are some
of your skills?
- Huh?
- Things you can do
to help with the auction?
Since we can't sell you.
- Well...
what are your skills?
- Brochures, visual stuff,
I'm an art major.
I design all the posters here.
- I can't even
make a smiley on my cellphone.
- Can you write?
- Does texting count?
- Maybe you could write
the copy
for one of the flyers
I'm designing.
We could work on it together.
- I'd love to.
- Can I get your number?
- Really?
- Yeah, you didn't write it
on your form.
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you know
the Blue Dahlia Caf?
- Uh, yeah.
- Let's meet there tomorrow
at 4:00.
We'll put you to work.
- Okay, well, here's
my number and you can have it
too, if you want to...
- Zack!
Can we leave this dump already?
I can feel the troll
sucking our youth away.
- Lionel.
This is my boyfriend.
- Oh, great.
- Me, you, talk in private.
Now.
- Excuse us.
You didn't have to come
if you're gonna be like this.
- You're the one complaining
we never get to spend
enough time together.
Well, here I am.
- With your friends.
- Hey.
We're letting you
auction us off for this dump.
Be grateful.
Let's get out of here.
- I'm signed up
for another hour.
- I'll fucking cover for you.
- You don't have to do that.
- Oh, but I want to.
Besides, fleabag here
gives me a rash.
- But I wasn't anywhere
near your pussy.
- Get him the fuck
out of here.
- Thanks, Tandy.
See you soon, buddy.
- Yeah, sounds....
Like that'll happen.
He's sweet, nice, and hot.
Of course he's taken.
- Nah, he's just
ass-pussy whipped.
They won't last long.
"Buddy."
- Don't take it
so personally.
- Why are we together,
we don't like doing
the same things.
- We like doing the same.
- Swallowing doesn't count.
- Swallowing counts.
It's extra credit.
- It's been six months
and I still feel
you're pulling away.
- Because you're always
clinging on to me.
- You won't even
call us boyfriends in public.
- You know you want me
inside you.
- No. I'm mad,
I'm not happy
with how things are going.
- You're good at one thing.
- Lionel.
- You're great at it.
- Please, don't.
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Please stop.
I don't want to do this.
I don't wanna....
- Oh...
Oh, yeah.
No one does it better
than you.
You can cling on to that
anytime you like,
snuggle bear.
- We're through, get out.
- Can I at least
come first?
- Get out!
- Come on.
Are you ready
to say goodbye to this?
- I'll slam the door on it
if you don't get the fuck out.
- Good luck trying to find
someone as hot as me.
I'm gonna come right here
on your front door.
Yeah, you know you wish
you were sucking this.
- What am I doing?
- Oh yeah.
Oh, fuck yeah.
You know what?
Enjoy being alone,
whack job.
- Found him!
- Wow, stalker much?
- What should I say?
- I'm a lonely psychopath
that look you up
within an hour of meeting you.
- Yes, I should wait
until morning.
- Then he'll think
you obsessed about him
all night.
Don't you know anything
about the internet?
You should make a fake profile.
- What?
- Pretend to be
a total random stranger
so you can find out
all his personal details.
People are honest
with strangers.
My fake name
is Tittsy Montgomery.
- I could find out
if he wants
a serious relationship.
- I was thinking more
like cock size but whatever.
You need the perfect
fake picture
and I know the perfect person.
- Holy rim job,
who is that?
- My incredibly hot ex BF,
Ryan.
He's a stripper.
He was supposed to be
my rebound after Troy
broke my heart
but he has a good tongue,
so I let him stay.
- Why did you break up
with that?
- What if your boyfriend
finds out?
- We have
an open relationship.
- Uhh, we do?
- Ryan, this is not
what it looks like.
- Neither is this.
- We had commitment issues.
Anyway, he moved to Tucson
so it's totally safe
to use his pictures.
- Why would I want Zack
to talk to someone
way hotter than I am.
- When's the last time
you opened up
to an ugly stranger?
Besides, you find out
what you need to know,
then Ryan will disappear.
A fake profile
is the perfect wingman.
- Okay.
Okay, let's do this.
What's my name?
- Ryan.
- Ryan.
Do you agree to the following
terms and conditions.
Number one,
GaySpaceBook.com...
- Agree, you nerd!
- You should really
read these things,
you never know.
- What are you, a pilgrim?
I bet you avoid
handicap spaces. And vote.
- Favorite movie?
Roman Holiday, of course.
Straight acting or not?
- Put, "I'm gay,
"why should I act anything
but what I am."
- Oh, you are scary good,
girl.
- Come on, breakup sex.
You are a hottie, let's hope
you're next door
cause I don't feel like driving.
blip-blip-blip-blip
- Looking for?
First I want to develop
something special with you,
then we fuck each other's
brains out.
Perfect combination
of romantic and nasty, right?
- Whatever,
no one reads those,
just write them.
- Oh yeah, oh...
- Yummy.
- Oh, my God, it's him.
What do I do?
What do I write?
- Write what you know.
Well, in your case, don't.
- You're not helping.
- Gotta play it cool.
- Hey.
That's so romantic.
- Kindly help
a broken hearted stranger
with hours of meaningless sex!
- Oh God, yes.
- So, get to know me.
- Oh shit!
Can he see us?
- No.
My camera's not on.
- Oh.
- Likely story.
So, ask away.
Thanks for starting off easy.
I didn't want to put up
with his shit anymore.
You know how you tell yourself
that it's gonna get better?
You know it's not,
but you hang on
to any little good thing
he does
to prove that it might
get better.
Well, I guess
there weren't any.
Then it was just
the really hot sex.
Yeah.
How do you know
what the little good things are?
Okay, try me.
- You're an artist.
I'd take you to a museum.
You look like
a basketball fan.
Lakers tickets.
Massage, good bottle of wine.
And little things
like bringing you
something to drink
without you having to ask.
- Well done, Ms. Cleo.
- What can I do
to get you to come over here
right now.
- Oh, strip.
- Date?
You already know me
inside and out,
I think I'm in love.
Wait, I know.
If you don't come over...
- He is not!
- Here's
what you'll be missing.
- Get out of my way!
Holy clit!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh shit.
- I cannot believe...
- You spilled
your Sunny Delight.
How could you?
- You owe me a computer!
And a boyfriend.
- He's a fake.
No one can be that hot
and that nice,
it's against the nature.
- But he has tons
of profile pictures,
he must be real.
- You still believe
The Hills is real.
- If he was a fake,
he would've watched me jack off.
- I just threw up
a little bit in my pussy.
- Maybe it's not
a good idea for us to hang out?
I don't believe you.
- Zack's single now,
so the reason we invented Ryan
doesn't matter anymore.
I mean, why keep up
the charade?
- Why email him at all?
Just disappear.
You're still
pretending to be Ryan,
even if it is just
to dump him.
- I'm just being polite.
- You're just keeping him
and his pretty dick hanging on,
so you still have access
to him
in case he doesn't go
for exhibit A.
- You're right.
If he normally gets prime rib
like Ryan,
why would he settle for...
- Turkey burger?
- I blew it, Mr. Fake
doesn't wanna meet me.
- Because he's not real.
- I came on too strong.
- Gay men hate guys
who do that.
- He was trying
to get to know me
but I went from zero
to sixty-nine.
- There are millions of men
who can fuck first
and then fall in love.
- But I don't want other men,
I want him.
- My mom warned me
I was turning into a fag hag.
- You're not a fag hag.
- I'm gonna be a fat spinster
whose only sexual outlet
is sucking off drunken homos.
- You'd suck me off
if I were drunk, right?
- My fag hag days
are over.
- Now separate
the finger nails
from the toe nails.
- Ew, what?
- Busy work.
You still have
fifteen minutes left.
- I must get ready
for my date.
- It's not a date,
queef-cake.
- It's a date,
he just doesn't know it yet.
- My, my, look who went
and downloaded some balls.
- He might've seen
Ryan's picture online
last night,
but he was talking to me.
We have a connection.
At least we will
by the end of the night.
- Fuck, I've got
to see this.
- Sorry I'm late.
- Oh, no problem,
I had nothing else to do.
Wait, that sounds bad.
- No it doesn't,
you just moved here.
- I...I drafted up
some ideas
for the male sale flyers.
I Google-imaged you.
- Whoa, these are great.
Thanks for giving me
extra abs.
- Those are yours
and you know it.
- Thanks for the ego boost,
I could really use one
right about now.
- I'm sorry
about your breakup.
- How did you know?
- Oh! I...
- Lionel?
He's a big fucking mouth.
- That's one of the reasons
I don't like the gay community.
- I think the gay community
is more diverse
than you give it credit for.
- Well, I think he's crazy
for breaking up with you.
- I broke up with him.
- Sorry.
- No big deal.
He's not what's bothering me.
I met this guy online
last night, Ryan, oh, my God.
You have never seen
anything like him,
and he was so totally into me
until I blew it.
- You think you blew it?
- Yeah, I got too sexual.
A fatal flaw.
- Well, if he was just
a hot body, those are...
- It was more than that.
This guy connected with me.
He was smart and funny
and he knew me.
- He sounds too good
to be true.
- Yeah, he probably
is fake.
I can't believe
I'm telling you all this.
I normally don't talk to guys
about my social life.
- You seem
pretty comfortable.
- You make me feel
comfortable, Casey.
- Hey, maybe sometime
you and I could...
- Oh my God, that's him.
How do I look?
- Huh?
- How do I look?
- Uh...gorgeous.
Are you sure...
- Wish me luck.
- Good fucking luck.
- Hey, Ryan1989.
- Hey...you.
- I was beginning to think
you were imaginary like
a smurf or something.
- Nope, I'm all real.
- You can say that again.
- Mind if I don't?
- We're both here,
you wanna give this a shot
and go out some night?
- Uuh...
- Ryan, look who's back.
Don't they have stripper poles
in Tucson?
- Tiffany, did you get
a boob job?
- No, I'm still saving up.
- What's going on?
- Casey, this is Ryan
from the Internet.
You look so much better
than your pictures, doesn't he?
- Now, how would Casey
have seen Ryan's cute
little disco boy picture.
- Yeah, you mean
my picture with the headband
and yellow gym shorts.
- Yellow mesh gym shorts.
Rarrr.
And then there's that one
where you're on the beach
with some blond chick
and your bulge.
- Yeah, Ryan loves
nailing blonds.
- Yeah, but I love
nailing brunettes, too.
- Brunette women,
Ryan's straight,
we used to fuck.
I took that picture.
- He wasn't straight
last night.
- Yeah, after
fucking Tiffani
I just gave up on women.
It happens to you a lot, huh?
- Oh, you little cum monkey.
- So, let's give this
a shot.
When do you want to hang out?
- Ugh, this sucks.
I just set up
the hottest couple
in the universe.
When their hot muscled bodies
come together,
they'll probably form
like Voltron or something.
- He's lying.
If Ryan's gay,
I'll eat my own twat.
- What kind of straight guy
goes on a date
with another man?
- He was a stripper
at a gay bar.
He would clean a toilet
with his dick for a dollar.
He's just trying
to get back at me.
- Oh...
Zack wanna talk to me
about what they should do
on their Barbie dream date
because I make him feel
comfortable.
- No smiley.
This is serious.
My God, you're like
his fag hag now.
- I hate my life.
- Casey, great,
you can do my back.
Oh my God, are you ok?
- Yeah, it's just
a little ouchy, that's all.
- Ouchy?
- Never mind, it's fine.
- Good. Squirt me.
- Okay.
- God, I'm as nervous
as Isaiah Washington's
hairdresser.
- About the date?
- Yes, about the date.
He was so hot and cold
at the caf.
Isn't he cute?
- I'm not really
into guys that...hot.
- Really?
Okay, your turn.
- Oh, I'm not
a taking off my shirt in public
kind of guy.
- Don't tell me you have
body issues.
Take it off or I will.
- Okay, okay.
You know, when we, mere mortals,
are around gods like you,
how can we not...
- Please, you've got
a great body.
And, besides, some guys
like 'em not all exercised.
Here.
So what should I do
on my date?
- You mean besides sex?
- I don't want it to be
about sex.
When we chatted online
he had all these ideas
for great things to do
and I wanna come up
with some great idea, too.
- Ok, well what's your dream
first date?
- Wow, I guess I never
really thought about it.
- You've never fantasized
about the perfect first date?
- I was too busy
going on real dates.
- Asshole.
- Well, clearly
someone's thought about it.
Tell me yours, Romeo.
- Okay.
We're in Italy, well, Rome.
- Oh, my God,
are you serious?
I'm obsessed with Italy.
- You are?
- Yeah, I've been wanting
to go to Italy
since I was like three.
I'm going after graduation
if I can save enough cash.
I've got like $3,200 saved
so far.
- I can't wait to go.
Someday.
- Well, I can't exactly
take Ryan to Italy tonight.
So, do you got any dream dates
that are a little more
practical?
- Okay, well my dream date,
it's intimate.
Like I make him dinner
so it's personal.
- Yeah, something
at your place,
just the two of you,
no distractions.
- Yeah, and maybe I'd have
a fun theme for the meal.
- Italian.
- Perfetto.
- Pasta, pinot grigio,
some funky Italian music.
- That's all I'd need
because the best first dates
are the ones
where the conversation's
just really easy.
- And it flows cause
you're both listening
to each other
like you're focused.
- And there are
those moments
when you're looking
into each other's eyes,
wondering if maybe he's thinking
the same thing.
- That sometime tonight
we're gonna...
- Kiss.
- Exactly.
Kiss.
Oh my God!
- What?
- You totally inspired me,
I have the perfect date.
Scoot.
He's not gonna know
what hit him.
I can't thank you enough.
- Well, text me
if you need help!
Text me if you need help.
- If you're trying
to stop me, it won't work.
- If you think
going on a fake gay date
will make me jealous,
you're dumber
than a flock of Palins.
- I don't want that,
I just wanna piss you off.
- You cheated too!
- It's not about that,
it's about you putting pubes
in my protein powder
the next day.
- They weren't even mine.
- And poking holes
in my contact lenses,
Putting crabs in my drawer.
And using my toothbrush
to clean the...
- Ok, I'm a jealous woman.
But at least I feel something.
You're an emotionless stripper
who uses his body
as a bargaining chip.
And that's not gonna
get you anything
but a dirty dollar bill
shoved up your ass.
- You're fat.
Have a good night.
I know I will.
- Ryan, right on time.
- Hey, look,
I gotta talk to you
about this Internet thing.
- I know, me too,
come on in.
I saw on your profile
that Roman Holiday
is your favorite movie.
It's also mine.
So I've got
a special little tour for you,
come on.
As you know,
when Audrey Hepburn
sneaks out of the consulate,
Gregory Peck shows her
the sights of Rome.
So here we have
the Sistine Chapel,
painted by Michelangelo.
Italian wine.
Next we have an exact replica
of the Trevi Fountain.
- That's pretty cool.
- And our last stop
is the mouth of truth,
you know,
the most famous scene
in the movie.
- Yeah.
- So put your hand
in its mouth
and if you're lying to me
it'll get bitten off.
And don't tell my landlord
about the hole.
- Rarrr!
- You scared the shit
out of me!
- Your hand's still here.
I knew you wouldn't lie to me.
- You're an amazing guy
and I don't deserve you.
I gotta go.
- Text me, text me,
text me, text me.
I love you, Zack!
- It's nice to have a friend
who will listen
to my romantic problems.
- I told you to text me
if you needed help and you did.
And I'm here to help.
- Can you help me
find a boyfriend?
- Oh my God,
is that the mouth of truth?
- Yeah, his profile said
his favorite movie
was Roman Holiday, so.
- You did that for him?
- It's stupid.
- It's the most
romantic thing
I've ever seen.
See, I'm telling the truth.
- Yeah, I actually had
this whole Roman Holiday tour.
There's the Colossum,
I ate half of it.
- Zack, there's something
I should tell you.
I haven't been honest with you.
I...
- Great, who's that?
Oh my God, Ryan?
- Hey man, there's something
I gotta tell you.
Oh, did you tell him?
- Tell me what?
- I was just about to.
- Of course you were.
That wasn't me
you were talking to online.
Him and Tiffani
made a fake profile
and used my picture.
- What?
- I don't even
have a profile.
I'm not even gay.
- Zack,
it's not what it sounds like.
- Did you pretend to be him?
- Yes, but it was only
because I didn't want
to look like a stalker,
which I know I totally like now.
- My first
genuine conversation in years
was with a total fake.
And why?
So you can fuck me?
- No, I mean yes,
I mean more than that.
The things I said were true.
- Dude, if you liked him,
why didn't you just tell him.
- And you let me take you
on that whole fucking tour
like some kind of idiot.
Get the fuck out!
Both of you.
- Zack, I'm sorry.
Is that...
- Get out!
- I was in the middle
of telling him, you know.
- Sorry man,
it was a crappy thing
you guys did.
- I just wanted
to get his attention.
- You coulda got it
without getting
all stalker-azzi on him.
- With guys like you
walking around?
- Even if I was gay,
it wouldn't have worked out.
He was less
into what I looked like
and more into what you said.
Anyway, sorry.
- No, it's my own damn fault.
- This is Tandy,
impress me.
And if you're
one of my gay friends
and just had a bad date,
I'm not calling you back
for three days.
Because I'm not a fag hag!
- Casey, right?
- Yeah.
- I'm Harry.
That's my name,
not that I am hairy.
Honey, what's wrong?
You look like Liberace
after they put the seat back
on his piano stool.
Wrong generation.
Never mind.
You look like you could use
some company tonight.
- Oh, I'm not interested.
- On, no, darling.
You're adorable
but you're far too young for me.
Us in bed would be
like teaching calculus
to a preschooler.
No.
Sex with men
who have the maturity
of an experienced lover,
there's nothing quite like it.
- T.M.I.
- Pardon?
- Nothing.
- Let me guess.
Some strapping thing
has broken your heart.
- Is it that obvious?
- Either that or Miley Cyrus
died.
See, I'm not that dated.
- Yeah, it's a guy.
No, no, it's me.
I was a complete jerk.
And I knew it
while it was happening
but I did it anyway.
And now I'll never
get to show Zack
what a great boyfriend I can be.
Now I'll never even have
a boyfriend.
And I'll wind up alone
until I'm all old and...
Sorry.
- Oh dear heart,
there's worse things
than not having a boyfriend.
Like trudging bare foot uphill
through five miles of snow
just to find the nearest
homosexual saloon.
It was a joke.
I'm not that old.
- You're not?
- Well now,
that was just not pretty.
All I'm saying is,
as dark as it may seem,
I think your generation
has it pretty easy
when it comes to finding
all the other fish
in the sea.
I bet you're thinking
right now
that the obvious solution
is something that I used to do
when I was trying
to get over someone.
- What's that?
- Well I used to think
that a good roll in the hay
would be all I needed
but I was wrong.
Sleeping with someone
to get over someone else
never works.
- Casey, right?
- Yeah.
- Trust me on this,
it never works.
- You want to go somewhere
and talk?
- Never.
- Sure.
- Never learn.
- That drink was strong,
like drinking blood straight
from Amy Winehouse's wrist.
- God, I'm glad I met you.
Last guy I dated, Zack,
such a fucking loser.
He was a good kisser.
- Kissing's overrated.
How good was he?
- Incredible.
Always started off the same way.
Two pecks.
Then a deeper kiss.
Followed by a bite
to the lower lip.
And repeat.
- Get back in.
We should fuck.
Is that your bed?
- I don't usually do that
on the first...
- Yeah, neither do I.
Right behind you.
- Hi,
how can I hurt you today?
- We gotta talk.
- We have nothing
to talk about.
- Five minutes,
that's all I ask.
- You need to have
an appointment.
- We gotta do something
about Zack and Casey.
- What do you mean,
I thought you were gay for Zack.
- Come on,
you know I'm not gay.
- You know I was just
trying to piss you off.
- Well, it didn't work,
clit monger.
Why would you want to help them.
- They seem like they
actually belong together.
And I messed that up.
- My God,
you have feelings?
I thought your fortes
fortes was cheating
and home wrecking.
- You cheated too.
- He wasn't inside me yet.
- We both fucked up.
But this is our chance
to do something right.
- Aww.
Tyra moment.
How do we get them together?
Zack clearly prefers to be
with gorgeous people
like me and you.
- It takes a lot more
than a gym
and some cucumbers
to make someone gorgeous.
- The point is Casey
isn't even on Zack's menu.
- Exactly!
We're ordering
from the wrong menu.
We gotta go
to another restaurant
where Zack is
and order the hot dog.
Because we really
just want the bun.
- Or we could trick them
into a date.
- That's what I just said.
- Hey there sausage,
why the long dick.
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes, it's me,
the slut with the heart of shit.
- No argument here.
- I know.
I'm sorry,
I owe you a cocktail,
or at least a hand job.
- You've done enough,
really.
Actually,
there is something you can do.
Find me an auctioneer
for the male sale.
- I'll do it.
I used to run the auction
at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.
- Really?
- Yeah.
There's a lot people
don't know about me.
Listen.
You need to know the truth
about what went down with Casey.
- Casey can suck my balls.
- Well, that's what he's been
trying to say all along.
- You know what I mean.
- I know.
Come on, let me buy you
a drink later.
You shouldn't be alone
during this delicate juncture.
Trust me, I've been there.
Where is your fag hag anyway?
Oh, come on,
I'll sub for her.
- You can't sub
for a best friend.
- You're gay
and I'm a straight girl
of big tits.
Evolution has
genetically programmed us
to be there for each other.
Like the clown fish
and the sea anemone.
Now, what'd you say?
- Casey!
- Oh, hey.
- You, me, drinks.
Tonight.
- No.
What's up with you
going out with gay guys.
- I want to make up
for screwing up your game.
- Yeah, I don't think
a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is
straight guys drink
is gonna help.
- I'll put an umbrella in it.
Awesome.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
- Awesome.
- It's me.
- We're set.
- Great!
Now be a good little stripper
and do whatever it takes
to get those boys all
horned up and ready to blow.
- I think they care
about more than sex.
- Jesus, you sound
like a woman that isn't me.
Of course they care about sex.
If they don't,
that's what the alcohol's for.
- Well, you just show up
when you're supposed to.
- Honey, I'm a as reliable
as birth control.
- That's not a 100%.
- Take it or leave it.
- Tandy,
what's up dragon lady?
- I got your non-call,
leave a fucking V.M. next time.
- You said
you didn't want to hear
about gay problems.
- Good point,
thanks for sparing me
the Queer as Folk rerun.
Where are we going?
- To hang out
with my new friend,
remember that girl, Tiffani.
- The sluttier version
of Tara Reid?
You're hanging out with her?
- She wanted to hear
about my problems.
- I smell a rat
with fake tits.
- To all the boys I fucked
and never called back.
- That must be
like a hundred.
- Like ten years ago maybe.
- Z Here's to me catching up.
- So, this whole Internet...
- Lie.
- Performance
was totally 100% my idea.
Casey had nothing to do
with it.
- But he's the one
who chatted with me, right?
- Yes.
But I practically raped him
into it.
- So what he said,
how much of that was him?
- Just the good stuff.
- He's lucky to have you,
except for the raping part.
- To the raping part.
- To the raping part.
- Trust me,
this is so much better
than shaving.
- That feels really weird.
- Assholes
are like snowflakes.
Speaking of pretty assholes,
why were you dating
that Lionel guy?
- What?
You've never dated
an asshole before?
- Honey,
assholes are attracted to me
like shit to assholes.
- And why did you stay
with them?
- Sex.
- Exactly!
I have the same problem,
I can't say no to cock.
- Oh, you're fucking
to the choir.
Dick, it just like blinds me,
you know.
- You ripped out
my sphincter!
- My turn.
- You know,
Zack is totally into you.
- No he's not.
I need to give up
and go for someone uglier.
Not like Michael Stipe ugly,
but at least
Rufus Wainwright ugly.
- I don't watch that show.
But I've been watching
gay guys for years.
See, they don't think
the strippers can see back,
but we totally can.
You guys' problem is
you don't even talk
to each other,
you're always waiting
for someone else
to make the first move.
- I gave him my number,
I volunteered for the male sale,
I took off my shirt for him.
I stalked him on the Internet.
I made all the moves.
- But when'd you tell him
you liked him.
- You know,
you could cheat on me,
steal all my money
and kill my mother
but if you're hot,
I'll make excuses for you
until the day you leave me.
Or turn gay.
Or both.
Oh, damn,
all out of liquor.
Let's get out of here.
You can have that one,
I got plenty at home.
- That pizza
ought to be here any minute.
- Yum, pizza.
- What if
your boyfriend Zack
was the delivery boy?
- You are such a stripper.
And he's not my boyfriend.
- I gotta hit the head,
get the door if the pizza comes.
- Ok.
- You've been
a very bad boy.
You have the right
to remain sexy.
Anything you touch
will be held against you
in the court of my...
Hit me with that pepperoni!
- Casey?
- Gotta go,
you two work it out, bye.
- Damn it!
- Hey Zack.
- Nice hat.
- Are they fucking yet?
- Not even close.
Is this gonna work?
- Trust me, it's science.
If you leave
two dicks together,
eventually one of them's
going to need sucking.
Like prison.
- I'm really sorry
about what I did.
- Who does stuff like that?
- People with no self-esteem?
- It's kinda mean.
- I'm sorry,
it got out of hand.
I just...I wanted to...
I don't know.
I wanted to meet you.
- You did meet me.
- I know,
I'm just an idiot.
- It's not a big deal,
it's over.
- Come on,
this is the part
where you fuck him.
- Man,
he just looked at you.
Look back.
- The dick sucking
principle should take effect
any second.
- Nah, I've seen guys
do this at the club.
They'll sit there for hours
and never say a word,
no matter how much
they like each other.
- Go do something.
- There's nothing I can do.
Except...
- What?
- Work my stripper magic.
- Stripper magic?
- When I see two guys
doing this at the club,
I'll get between them
and make them put their hands
all over me.
Then, I'll get out of the way
and they're so worked up
that they're
all over each other.
- You're like a stripper
Harriett Tubman.
- Exactly!
- Get to it Harriett,
the dogs are coming.
- Thank God,
can we leave now?
- You boys sit right there,
this party's
just getting started.
Let me show you
some classic stripper moves.
- What the fuck
are you doing?
- You guys
are at full attention,
and Sergeant Ryan's here
to release it.
Now, both of you
make a wish and pull.
- You've got
to be kidding me.
- Well it is
kind of an ugly shirt.
- Totally generic.
- That's more like it.
Free.
Now, rip open
rigid Ryan's jeans.
- You're straight?
- We're just three dudes
having some fun.
Now pull.
- Are you hard?
- Maybe.
Are you?
Gotta get out of these pants.
There's never a sexy way
to get the jeans off.
- I don't know,
that's pretty...
- Sexy.
- Your turn.
- For what?
- For your free lesson
in exotic dancing,
it's an actual skill you know.
- I'm in.
- I'll watch.
- No looky-loos, come on.
Undo your shirts.
With more confidence.
A slow reveal.
Good.
Now, when you get
to the last button,
take your shirt at the collar
and slowly peel it off.
Good, that's hot.
- Yeah.
- Now, pull your pants off
like I did,
and lead forward,
like this.
Come on, we're in underwear.
Zack, come here, take a side.
- Well,
that was certainly fun.
- Now give me a lap dance.
- How's this?
- You dance
like a straight boy.
You need to move them
like this.
You're all thrust and no grind.
Casey, come here.
Put your hands here.
Feel this.
That's hot.
You know,
you guys make a hot couple.
Guys, I think I'm gonna...
- You're not
gonna go anywhere
when you're that hard.
- Oh yeah.
That's so hot.
- Oh my God,
that is so fucking hot!
- Fuck yeah,
work that pussy.
- And what do we have here?
Shew, get away.
- I don't do
the lesbian thing anymore.
- I knew
this was gonna happen.
- You did?
Get over here.
- What the...
- Ready for the Zack special?
Help me.
- Holy crap.
Oh yeah, I've never had
two months before, yeah,
one of you do the balls.
Oh my God!
- Why are you fucking
with Zack?
- Technically
I'm watching them
fuck with Zack.
- I'm breaking up
that blow fest right now.
- Over my hot dead body.
- That's what
I was planning.
Oh!
Is that pussy juice?
- A thousand dollars worth.
Oh!
- Guys, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna...
Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!
- I've never heard that
without anything
in my pussy before.
- Wow.
- Wow.
- Wow!
- You fucking bitch.
- Let me kick
that pussy again.
- Tandy?
- Tiffani?
- Sorry I'm late.
Woman things.
God, I miss that cock.
- Are you ok?
- Kill the bitch.
- What the hell happened?
- I was trying
to protect you.
- I appreciate it
but it turns out
that everything's just fine.
Better than fine.
- What?
Are you life partners now?
- I think we're...
- Thanks to me and Ryan,
and Ryan's friend.
- Zack, I have
the perfect first date for us.
- Like your first date
with him?
You're just like everyone else.
Fuck you!
- You're all assholes.
- I miss how we fuck.
- Rigid Ryan misses you too.
- Oh come on,
let's go suck the gay
out of your cock.
- I hate the Internet.
- You can use it
for things other than sex.
- Like what?
- Well,
maybe gay people can't.
- Speaking
of trolling for sex,
I can't believe
Casey just slept
with the first thing
that looked at him.
- Ugh, I hate him.
But in his defense,
you did sort of reject him.
- So?
- What did you do
when Lionel rejected you?
You trolled...
- Online for sex.
- I hate
that you're always right.
It's like Jesus is my fag hag.
Wait, sorry,
I know you don't like
being called...
- I'm dealing with it.
I'm your fag hag.
Not a fag hag.
Your fag hag.
- Thank you sweetie.
- But if I'm your fag hag,
then you're my gay bitch.
- Gay bitch
loves his fag hag.
- You better bitch,
I got a black eye for you.
- Casey? Honey?
- I'm moving back home.
Can you drop me off
at the bus station
when I'm done packing?
- I thought you were
making new friends?
Don't you like it here?
The cheap rent,
the beautiful weather,
the abundance of gay ass.
- I turned everything
into a big wet mess.
- Oh honey,
it can't be that bad.
- It's horrible!
It's like 9/11 but with sex.
- Like a 69/11.
- You're horrible.
- Oh honey, come on.
I don't know what kind
of orgie-astic corfafel
you've gotten yourself
wrapped up in.
But I do know
that when you run
from your problems,
the location might change
but your problems
will be right there
waiting for you.
Only there
you won't have cheap rent
and this beautiful weather.
- What about
the abundance of gay ass?
- Honey,
you can find that anywhere.
Now come on,
tell your auntie Helen
all about your problem.
I promise you won't shock me.
- Ok, I pretended
to be Ryan to Zack online
but then Ryan showed up
and went out with Zack
to get back at Tiffani.
Anyway,
I think Zack realized
he liked me for who I am
and not the way Ryan looked
but he never told me.
So I fucked Lionel
who was probably just
trying to get back at Zack,
and then Ryan got Zack and me
to give him a blowjob
in order to get us together.
And it actually worked.
Until Zack got a videoclip
of me and Lionel doing it.
- So, Zack never told you
how he felt.
- Yeah.
- And you're just
gonna leave town
without giving him a chance to.
- You're not leaving town
you fuck tard.
We have a date
and I'm not running
that auction alone.
- The slut's right.
Don't pussy out
on the youth center
just because someone hurt
your dick's feelings.
- Love her.
Besides, when you run
from your problems,
the location may change...
- I already got that speech.
- Than what are
we waiting for,
cum boy,
we're gonna be late.
- Bah-bye.
- I smell an open bar.
- Get me anything
with a whiskey
and nothing else.
- Oh good, you came.
- Oh my God, I did.
- Zack, I...
- Here's the stuff
you need to say.
Don't bomb.
- What's a "ligabut?"
- That's LGBT.
- What's that?
- Jesus Christ,
I have to get you
to the green room.
- Zack, wait,
I came to apologize.
- Funny,
originally you said
you were coming
to support the gay community.
- You know the gay scene
isn't really my thing.
- You know
for someone who talks down
on the gay scene so much,
you really go out of your way
to represent the worst of it.
- Blowjob for your thoughts?
- What do you want?
- Come on, all I did
was prove that the guy
you thought was your friend
is just a big phony.
You should be happy.
- You thought
that sending me your sex video
would make me happy?
- I had to do something
to keep you apart.
- Why?
- You know why.
- Say it.
- I was jealous, alright?
- I knew it.
- And it wasn't just that.
I could tell
you were connecting with him.
I want you back.
Can you feel
how badly I want you back?
- I don't care
how hot you are,
I need more.
- You're so deep.
- If it's deep
to want someone
who's gonna respect me
and listen to me
and inspire me to do things
that I'd never thought I'd do.
Then yeah, I'm deep.
And you're too shallow for me.
- Good luck raising money
for your charity
without auctioning off my ass
and my friend's asses.
- You wouldn't,
this is for the community.
- Fuck the community.
- Lionel!
- Hello, hello queers
and wannabes.
Welcome to the tenth
annual male sale.
Tenth?
I didn't think
a gay could commit to anything
for that long.
I'm Tiffani,
your mattress of ceremonies.
- I love that drag queen.
- Zack, I'm sorry, I...
- Now's your chance
to prove you're really here
to support the community.
- What?
- Lionel and his friends
dropped out of the auction
and I need you
and the strip master here
to get in your boxers
and let me sell you.
- Take off my shirt on stage?
Zack, I'm sorry...
- This is more important
than whoever
you're sleeping with
or lying to.
This money helps support
the Matthew Shepard
Youth Program,
the Matthew Shepard
reading room,
the Matthew Shepard hotline
and the Matthew Shepard
homeless synchronized swim team.
- Alright,
finally let's get
to the prostituting.
Auctioning.
Bring out the meat.
For our first stud
we have Lionel!
Casey!
- Woo, Casey!
You go boy!
- Look at his
rippling muscles and sexy...
I'm sorry,
this was for the guy
we were supposed to have.
Look at his...personality.
Casey is an out of towner
that enjoys
cruising online for Zack,
talking about Zack,
and working at Nail Me Salon.
Located at
call for an appointment.
Take off your shirt!
Ok, now we're talking.
Have you ever seen
such white flesh.
Ok, let's get
the bidding started.
Who's gonna be first?
we got a 50 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me
a 50 dollar bid?
- 10 dollars!
- Bidding starts at 50,
bitches.
- 11!
- Take off your pants.
- What?
- We are desperate here.
And while
you're stripping down
to your beautiful
Andrew Christian briefs,
why don't you tell us
what the Matthew Sh'PARD program
at the center
means to you.
- I used to think
the center didn't apply to me
at all.
I thought it was
just a bunch of old guys
looking to get their rocks off.
But a friend
forced me to volunteer here
where I met
one of these old guys
face to face.
Boy, was I wrong.
He was a caring person,
emptying his wallet
and busting his ass
to make sure
that people like me
don't have to go
through the shit
that people like him had to.
And he's just
one of the dozens of people here
trying to help
thousands of kids like me.
I started this summer
feeling at odds
with the gay community
but now
I look out at your faces
and I see a friend
who will do anything
to protect the people
close to her.
An example for me
to aspire to.
A bitch when you need one.
A family
that won't let you fail
even when you've
already given up on yourself.
And a leader,
who can change the way
we see each other
and teach us
about the things
that really matter.
And I couldn't be prouder
to be a part of this.
- 100 dollars.
- 200 dollars.
- 500 dollars.
- This is an
unexpected surprise.
we have a 500 dollar bid,
who's gonna give me 600?
- 3,200 dollars.
- What?
- 3,200 dollars.
- Not to be rude
or anything but,
bitch, do you have
that kind of money?
- That's your Italy money.
- I don't need to go to Italy
for romance.
- Sold!
- Look at that sweet smile,
you're precious.
- Ryan1989,
you are way hotter
than your pic.
- I'm so glad I stalked you.
- It's not as hot
without your dick
in the middle.