- Come on.
- Let's go.
Come on, get on there. Come on, boys.
- Hey, Joe. How about it?
- Can't tell yet.
Three of the trucks are out.
Get in and pitch.
If we don't get every copy off the stands
this paper's in bad shape.
- Did we get them all?
- Quiet. Well?
We got them all back but 40.
- All but 40? That's not so good.
- It's the best we could do, Mr. Farwood.
Let's all bow our heads and pray
that none of the 40 finds its way...
...into the hands of J.B. Allenbury.
It isn't likely, sir,
if he's vacationing in Mexico.
- Yes, what is it?
- J.B. Allenbury, Mexico City, calling.
Gentlemen, you may stop praying.
It's too late.
Hello?
I have before me a most interesting
telegram from my New York attorneys.
I am informed that the early edition
of your yellow paper...
...carried a picture of my daughter...
... under which appeared
the following caption. I quote:
"Constance Allenbury,
socialite daughter of financial tycoon...
...J.B. Allenbury,
named husband-stealer by irate senora...
...in hair-pulling match
at Mexican garden party," unquote.
Father?
It may interest you to know...
...that not only was my daughter
not present at the alleged function...
...but she hasn't even made the
acquaintance of the husband in question.
A regrettable mistake, Mr. Allenbury,
most regrettable.
Yes, yes, yes.
Your solicitude is very touching,
Mr. Farwood, but a bit late.
I have already instructed my attorneys
to file suit for libel.
You should receive
your papers tomorrow.
Father, you might mention the amount
we're suing for. That should interest him.
Oh, incidentally, Mr. Farwood,
we are suing for 1 mill...
We are suing for $2 million.
Two million dollars. Haggerty.
I want Haggerty. Get me Haggerty.
- Mr. Farwood, he's being married today...
- I don't care if he's being buried. Get him.
- Hey, boss, shall I answer the phone?
- No, no, let it ring.
I've had enough gags
pulled on me today.
Maybe it's Gladdy. She said if you didn't
show, she's gonna tear the church down.
What? And ruin those nice,
three-inch fingernails?
Oh, no.
No, it's no use, Spike.
I've been baited, hooked.
Today, I'm being reeled in.
If you feel that way about it,
why are you going through with it?
Have you ever said to a redhead,
"So long, it's been nice knowing you"?
So long?
I've never even said hello.
Well, you keep it that way.
- Hey.
- That's yours.
- Did you pack my vitamins?
- Redheads.
Hey, that might be the porter. Answer it.
Haggerty. Haggerty. Haggerty.
The office wants you right away.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, the story they had to kill.
She wasn't even at the party.
It's a shame to bust up your wedding,
but the boss wants you.
Well, come on.
- Well, what will I tell Gladdy?
- You're best man, you figure it out.
If I'm the best man,
why is she marrying him?
- Mary, where's the old man?
- In an oxygen tent.
Where have you been?
- Who said you could get married?
- You did.
Can't I stay away from here one day
without the whole place falling apart?
This is terrible, Haggerty. Terrible.
Allenbury hates us.
He'd give his last year's income taxes
just to blow us up.
And we supply him with the dynamite.
- What's she suing for?
- Two million dollars.
She's nuts. Two million dollars?
Why, a dame's whole anatomy
is only worth 98 cents boiled down.
But it isn't the money they want.
It's me, the paper.
I kept Allenbury out of the Senate.
When they wanted to make him
ambassador, I fought it.
- It's their chance to strike back.
- Yeah.
- What do the lawyers say?
- Open-and-shut case.
Pure slander and libel. The paper will go.
Oh, no, not while I have anything to say.
We haven't begun to fight.
Why, we've been sued before, big suits.
But they were all after money.
They were glad to settle.
This Allenbury dame will be glad too,
when I get through with her.
What do you propose to do?
Well, she's a girl and, despite all reports,
probably human.
I'm gonna throw a man at her.
Men have been at
Connie Allenbury for years.
Yes, yes, at her feet, but I'm going
to throw this guy at her head.
- Are you suggesting a frame?
- I'm suggesting nothing.
But you've gotta get to this girl and I've
got the guy who specializes in dames:
- Bill Chandler.
- Bill Chandler, yes.
- And you fired him.
- Yes, and I'd do it again.
Spending half his time
with chorus girls...
...the other half
trying to get away from them.
A vaudeville actor turned newspaperman
trying to run this paper.
- Thought he knew more.
- He was right.
But he's still the only man I know
that women can't resist.
All right, then, get him. Get him.
Get Personnel.
I want the last address on Bill Chandler.
Yes, sir.
- Have a cigar.
- No, no, thanks.
Oh, now, will you relax?
I'll have Bill Chandler on the job in an hour.
- Yeah?
- Bill Chandler is with the Courier in Denver.
Good.
Get me Harry Wilson
and the Courier in Denver.
- What's Chandler doing in Denver?
- Same thing he always does...
...but in a higher altitude.
You coward.
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Now...
- What is this?
I won't stand for this.
You can't do this to me.
- But there has been a terrible mistake.
- There certainly has been a mistake.
- lf you think...
- Hello? Harry. Warren Haggerty.
Is that no-good Bill Chandler
still working for you?
- Mother warned me about men like you.
- What?
- Quiet.
- Oh, shut... You keep quiet.
Okay, thanks.
Chandler left months ago for San Francisco
and the boss's daughter followed him.
The old lady's right,
I'm not good enough for a girl like you.
- Leave my...
- Get me the Sentinel in San Francisco.
- Maybe we'd better call the whole thing off.
- No, you don't. Get your hat.
What is this? A newspaper
or a matrimonial agency?
- Why don't you...?
- I cannot leave now.
- The boss is waiting.
- The preacher's waiting too.
What do you wanna do?
Put him on a retainer fee?
- First, a hurricane. Next, a kidnapping...
- My dear young lady...
...the paper is faced with a libel suit.
- He's faced with breach of promise.
- Breach of promise has been outlawed.
Listen to me, Warren Haggerty,
if you think that...
Hello? Oh, Sentinel? This is Warren
Haggerty, New York Morning Star.
You got a guy on your payroll
named Bill Chandler?
He left two months ago?
Well, where'd he say he was going?
Atlanta.
Get me the Express in Atlanta.
- What's he doing in Atlanta?
- Oh, probably six months.
I'm not going to stand for this.
Get this woman out of here.
- Don't you dare call me a woman.
- Easy, easy, easy.
That's Mr. Farwood, owner of the paper.
I don't care. Nobody's gonna talk
to me like a detective.
- How do you know how a detective talks?
- I heard one on We, the People.
- Joe Simpson never treated me like this.
- Why did you divorce him?
- I've asked myself many times.
- Hello? Express.
- I wanna talk to Bill Chandler.
- Stop!
Go on home. Be a good girl.
Are you gonna let them
do this to your future wife?
This time tomorrow,
you'll be married woman.
No, no, not you. Her.
Hello. I'm still waiting
to talk to Bill Chandler.
- You what? You never heard of him?
- Maybe he's dead.
It would be just like that guy
to drop dead at a time like this.
The Parkington Detective Agency.
They can put the finger on Chandler.
Mr. Chandler,
the one that used to work here?
I never caught him at it but that's who.
- Why, I know where he is.
- You what?
He's a pal.
Only last week he slipped me a fin...
...for helping him
get some dame off the beam.
- Where is he? His address?
- The Grand Plaza.
The Grand Plaza.
That's not the Chandler we mean.
You mean Bill Chandler, the one
who was always giving you the bird?
- I mean...
- That's him!
How do you like that?
Right under my nose.
- Tell the boss. Tell him we found him.
- Yes.
- I'll get him on the phone.
- No. No.
I better see him personally.
Sort of feel my way.
So he's living at the Grand Plaza.
That's not so good.
He must be in the money.
- Mr. Chandler.
- Thank you.
Warren Haggerty. From Brooklyn to Bombay,
a stab in the back spells Haggerty!
I never stabbed...
Now, Chandler, why don't we just...?
- Bury the hatchet?
- Yeah.
Fine. Where would you like it?
Oh, now, Chandler,
let bygones be bygones.
That's okay with me. Goodbye.
And give my regards to Farwood.
- Hi, fellas.
- Hi, Chandler.
Now, wait a minute, Chandler.
Why don't we...?
We said goodbye.
And don't forget the regards to Farwood.
- You're still working for him, aren't you?
- Yes, yes.
You mean the old man
hasn't gotten wise to you yet?
Someday he'll smarten up
and give your job to the janitor.
Listen, Chandler, another crack like that
and I will personally...
Sue me for libel?
Oh, by the way, how is the libel
these days? Any suits lately?
Oh, no, no. Well, that is,
you know, it's good.
- lf you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
- What work?
Didn't I tell you?
I'm back in my old racket.
I'm leaving tomorrow
for a tour with the band.
I'm through with headlines
and the rats that write them.
- So long, Warren.
- Bill.
You're too smart to be a hoofer.
You're a newspaperman, a good one.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Now, look, Bill, maybe I was wrong.
You mean you wanna give me my job back?
Let me hear the presses roar again?
- Yeah.
- Gee, thanks, pappy.
I'll start you back at the same salary...
...same desk, everything the same
as when you left.
Something new has been added,
a hot libel suit by the Allenbury dame.
- Who told you that?
- I saw the story.
First edition only
and carried by no other paper.
Only a dope like you
would touch a story like that.
- What's she suing for?
- Two million bucks.
- Who does she think she is?
- Just Connie Allenbury.
Yeah, I know all about her.
Spoiled, arrogant,
engaged to a different guy every month.
The crown princess of caf society.
That's her reputation.
And she thinks it's worth 2 million?
When I get through,
she'll take 2 cents in Japanese money.
Well, great. You're back on salary.
Not so fast. No more philanthropy.
The time I was with the paper...
...I squared a million and a half dollars
worth of libel suits.
And what did I get?
A hundred and twenty-five bucks a week.
- Yeah, but now, look...
- Now, sit down.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
Now, here's a little agreement
I drew up this morning.
I've been expecting you for hours.
"For $5000 down against $50,000."
Fifty thousand dollars.
That's highway robbery.
Okay, let's forget it.
Now, now, wait. Now, wait.
Wait. Wait. Wait, Chandler.
Chandler, let's be reasonable.
Take it or leave it.
On second thought, I don't think
I want the job at any price.
I've got money now,
and my agreement with the band...
...stipulates six months' salary
in advance, plus all my expenses.
- Let's forget the whole thing.
- Yeah, let's. Hold on, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
You ought to be arrested for extortion.
The boys tell me
you want a job with the band.
I'm sorry but we're all filled up.
Thanks, Dick, but I've just signed
with Mr. Haggerty.
Okay.
- You're broke.
- You're crazy.
Why, you dirty, no-good,
double-crossing...
Oh, take it easy, Haggerty.
You'll get your money's worth.
Now, here's the plan.
The Allenburys are in Mexico City.
I'll take a plane down there,
register at the same hotel, meet the girl.
Perhaps she comes to my room.
- What?
- Just for a cocktail, of course.
All perfectly innocent to her,
to me, to everybody at the hotel...
...except to our private detective
who wires my wife.
You got a wife?
Well, not of my own, but we'll hire
some attractive girl to marry me.
And when the time comes, she stages
a scene over her erring husband...
...sues Connie
for alienation of affection.
Sensational.
We called Connie a husband stealer.
She denied it. We duplicate the situation.
This time, she does steal a husband.
This time we're on the beam.
Let her go with a suit after that
and see what she'll collect.
We gotta get a girl
for you to marry.
But it's gonna be somebody we can trust.
Wait a minute.
I've got the girl, the very girl.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
- Nice legs.
- You keep her legs out of it.
They come with her, don't they?
Let's go to her dressing room.
- Do you think she'll go for this deal?
- Why, the girl's crazy about me.
All I have to do is ask.
The answer is no.
- Listen, Gladdy, l...
- You listen to me, Warren Haggerty.
I've taken plenty from you
but this is the end.
Marrying me off to another guy,
to this blond baboon.
Baboons are very smart.
They can do anything a man can do.
- Give me that.
- Gladys, it's just for a month.
- Maybe only 30 days.
- Well, that's 30 days too long. Listen.
If you don't wanna marry me,
just say so.
Of course I wanna marry you,
but this comes first.
It's my only chance. I'll be fired.
No other newspaper will give me
a job as an office boy, will they, Bill?
Not if they know you like I do.
Gladdy, if you remembered Ed Glover,
remember when he lost that libel suit...
...and they found his car gone over a cliff
with a revolver in his hand?
- So?
- Do you want me to kill myself, Gladys?
Not until you change your insurance.
Would I permit you to help me
if I didn't consider you practically my wife?
Would you ask your wife
to hook up with that ape?
A ape can do anything a baboon can do.
- And let's leave personalities out of this.
- Bill...
Look, Gladdy, darling,
it won't be a real marriage.
All you do is go to
a justice of the peace, say, "I do..."
What do you mean it won't be real?
If I say, "I do," he says, "I do"...
...and the judge says,
"You bet you do," we're hitched.
Include me out. I'll have no part of it.
And neither will I.
- Here's your contract, Haggerty.
- Now, wait, wait.
You can't walk out on me.
You know the spot I'm in.
I'm sorry, Warren.
Well, look, couldn't we hire some girl
just to pose as your wife?
She catches you with the Allenbury dame
and we spread her all over the front page.
And maybe we can scare the Allenburys
into dropping the suit.
Well, it won't work legally,
but if you wanna take that chance.
I gotta take it. You hear that, Gladdy?
All you gotta do is pose for some pictures
and we scare the Allenburys.
What? What do you mean my picture
will scare the Allenburys?
All I mean is you go through the motions
of the wedding while Spike takes pictures.
I know a justice of the peace
who will play along.
You go through with the ceremony and he
forgets to sign the marriage certificate.
It's no dice, Gladdy. It's a phony.
Then Chandler goes his way,
you go your way...
...I go your way and everything clicks.
Oh, you gotta do this for me, Gladdy.
You just got to.
Brother, the things I do
for that newspaper.
- Let's go.
- Yes, let's.
Come on, Spike. Come on.
You wanna be late for the wedding?
You're really gonna get hitched.
Congra...
Not me. Chandler. Chandler and Gladdy.
Gladdy? Why, that's your girl.
Oh, I get it. It's a phony.
That's what they think,
but this is on the level.
Chandler wants a wife
and I'm gonna see that he gets one.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Well, aren't you going to kiss the bride?
- Oh, of course.
- May I kiss the bride?
- Why not? Everybody else is.
Well, aren't you going to kiss the bride?
Oh, yeah.
He's a friend of the family's.
A very old friend.
I hate to disturb this friendly gesture,
but I have to catch a plane to Mexico.
So you're spending your honeymoon
in Mexico, eh?
Oh, I am. She's been there before.
- Well, here's your marriage certificate.
- Thank you.
- How much do I owe you?
- Well, anything you think it's worth.
There's $2.
Goodbye. Well, let's go.
Oh, I think you'd better have
this little certificate.
You may want it for your hope chest.
Hey, wait a minute. He signed it.
- He signed it.
- He signed it?
Well, what do you know?
Why, you double-crossing...
Here you are, Dolan.
"Van Horn's Duck Shooting Manual,
Russell Van Horn."
"Guide to Duck Hunting, Willard Kope."
"The Duck, His Home and Habits,
Valdimar Kosgrove."
- I didn't know you were a duck hunter.
- I'm not...
...but J.B. Allenbury is.
- I don't get it.
Why do rich guys with more food
than they can eat go out and shoot it?
Look, Dolan, bringing you along
was Haggerty's idea.
His ideas never were very good,
but this hits a new low.
Oh, you like me, huh?
Do me a favor. Keep your eyes open,
your trap shut and your camera focused.
Fasten your belts, please.
Fasten your belts, please.
We're coming in for a landing.
Are you all right, sir?
Do you need some oxygen?
No, thanks. I always look this way.
You mean, women slide down that thing?
Senor, no women.
Only Senorita Allenbury.
Oh, Senorita Allenbury.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Thank you, miss.
- I don't wish to have my picture taken.
Well, that's tough,
but I've already taken it.
How dare you. Give me that picture.
Not a chance.
So you're the one that's suing the Star
for 2 million smackeroos.
- How about a statement?
- Certainly not. And I demand that picture.
Why don't you take it easy, sister?
Hey, senor. Hey, hey, you can't talk
to Senorita Allenbury like that.
Oh, yeah? Who says so?
- I say so.
- Who are you?
Carlos Julio Idalgo Acapulco
Garcia Ramirez.
I don't wanna argue with all you guys.
Go, before I fracture your dialect.
- Oh, now, please.
- Hey, hey.
What happened? I tell you...
You heard the lady.
She doesn't want her picture taken, right?
That's my film. You can't do that.
You can't do that.
- That's my film. Where's my camera?
- Right there.
- Connie. Connie, my dear, are you all right?
- Yes, I'm all right, darling.
I'll get you for this, William Chandler.
- Remember that name, Boswell.
- Yes, sir. William Chandler, sir.
"Muscovy duck hunting is at its best
in Cuba Island on the Sangamon River."
Sangamon. Sangamon.
Sangamon. Sangamon.
You wanna know something, Chandler?
That Allenbury girl is as pretty as a picture
and I accentuate the positive.
Yeah, that's the little picture
we're gonna frame.
Sangamon. Sangamon.
- Oh, that's dull. Have you got a match?
- Sure, here.
- Thanks. Got a cigarette?
- Give me back the match.
Quick, hide in there.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Mr. Allenbury's compliments...
...and will Mr. Chandler join him
for cocktails before dinner?
- Allenbury? Oh, I don't think I know...
- Mr. J.B. Allenbury.
Father of the young lady you rescued.
Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I'd be delighted
to have cocktails with Mr. Allenbury.
- Good. 7:30, in the Grill Bar.
- Thank you.
"Muscovy duck hunting is at its best
in Cuba Island on the Sangamon River."
Oh, I find that Muscovy duck hunting
is at its best in the Cuba Island on the...
- What were you saying?
- I was just talking to myself.
It's a little habit I acquired
while hunting on the African veldt.
- Very lonely, the veldt. Don't you think so?
- I don't know. I've never been there.
- Well, I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Chalmers.
- Chandler.
- Chandler. Have you ordered?
- No, dry martini, please.
- The same.
- I was wondering if you could...
- Mr. Allenbury.
- Oh, pardon me a moment.
- The bank?
- A complete accounting.
- And reservations?
- Taken care of.
Good. Good. I wanted to thank you
for your kindness this morning.
- Prompt action on your part.
- Oh, I enjoyed it.
It was probably one of those reporters
from a scandal sheet.
I detest that sort of thing myself.
Why, last year in Chicago,
I sent one of them to the hospital.
My publishers never did forgive me.
- Publishers, huh?
- Yes, I'm a writer.
Oh, really?
- Right now, I'm doing some hunting yarns.
- Really?
Yeah.
You finally got here. What happened
to those people from Los Angeles?
Oh, I ran out on them. I simply can't be
bothered with people you meet in hotels.
Mr. Chalmers, my dear,
who saved your life.
- How do you do?
- Oh, yes, Sir Galahad. Thank you so much.
Mint frapp.
No, no, I've changed my mind. Nothing.
Miss Allenbury, you don't have to worry
about that picture.
I completely destroyed the camera.
Personally, I'd like to completely destroy
the photographer.
- Mr. Chalmers.
- Chandler.
Chandler is a writer, my dear.
Oh, how amusing.
What do you write, Mr...?
- Oh, I've done...
- Oh, Father, guess who's with us.
Mrs. Burns Norvell.
Oh, and that dreadful daughter.
We elude them all over New York
and here they are at the same hotel.
Oh, dear, we're in for it.
They'll invite us to dinner.
They'll have to find us first.
I've been ducking them all day.
- Are you having fun, Mr...?
- Oh, I'm simply in stitches.
How nice for you.
Are you enjoying Mexico?
- Oh, well...
- Oh, Father, did you wire for my horses?
Oh, no. Leave them on Long Island.
You can buy one here.
No, I want my own.
- Do you ride, Mr. Chalmers?
- Chandler.
Yes, I've ridden in the Kentucky Derby
a couple of times.
But hunting is really my sport.
Oh, anything. Big game, moose, ducks.
- Mr. Allenbury, I'm sorry, it's 7:45.
- Oh, yes, of course. Check, please.
- Goodbye. It's so nice to have seen you.
- Thanks for joining us.
If ever we need help,
I hope you're in the vicinity.
Oh, here they are, Mother.
Connie, darling.
We've been looking
all over the hotel for you.
My dear, so nice to see you both again.
- Yes. How are you, Mrs. Burns Norvell?
- And you're joining us for dinner, of course.
- I won't take no.
- J.B., are we ready for dinner?
- Dinner?
- Yes.
Oh, yes, of course. Dinner.
Mr. Chalmers is dining with us.
Mrs. Burns Norvell
and her daughter, Barbara.
- How do you do?
- Babs, to you.
- But couldn't we all have dinner together?
- Oh, no, no, they'll be talking business.
Yes. You see, I'm a writer. Mr. Allenbury
and I are doing a hunting book together.
Oh, how lovely.
You must tell me all about it tomorrow.
I'm always up for lunch.
- Well, shall we?
- Yes. Goodbye.
- That was quick thinking.
- Yes, it was, wasn't it?
We're indebted to you again,
Mr. Chandler.
Chalmers. Chandler.
Well.
Well, shall we keep
our dinner engagement?
I'm afraid we'll have to.
You're in luck, Father. Wild duck.
Oh, fine.
Do you care for duck, Mr. Chandler?
Do I care for duck?
The one thing in the world
I do care for is duck...
...in any shape or form,
but especially on the wing.
You're a duck hunter?
Yes.
Why, I just got back
from South America...
...where I bagged my quota
of Muscovys every day for two weeks.
Yes, Muscovys have their points,
but give me a Canadian honker.
I know, my boy.
I have a hunting lodge up in Canada.
Father, shall we say duck?
- Duck.
- Duck.
- Duck.
- Duck.
What a sport. What a sport.
When you first sight the covey...
...and hear the whir of the wings
in the cold, gray light of dawn.
I tell you,
there's no thrill in the world...
Yes, there is.
There's one that beats it.
When you take aim and fire
and the feathers start to fly...
...and then the duck flutters down
to the water.
Corrected.
And that reminds me. I remember once
in Canada, I was using a small.410...
Father, for two hours
we've had nothing but ducks.
Nonsense. I'm only just warming up.
I was talking about the.410.
And now, senores y senoras.
I'm going to have the pleasure
of singing for you a Mexican song.
"Acercate Mas," which means in English:
Acerca, "come close."
Te, "you." Mas, "to me."
It is the story of a boy
who wishes to tell a secret of love...
...into the ear of a beautiful senorita
while he's holding her close like this:
Or maybe like this:
That means "come closer, you to me."
"You are close enough."
You're very much at home
on the dance floor, aren't you?
When I have a partner like you, yes.
You're as light as thistledown.
Deceiving things, thistles.
They're really quite prickly.
You know, I can hardly concentrate.
It must be your eyes.
- They're beautiful, aren't they?
- They remind me...
Oh, yes, I know,
sparkling diamonds, deep sapphires.
Oh, on the contrary,
they remind me of marbles.
- Marbles?
- Yes.
Two aggies I won as a boy,
crystal clear and cold as ice.
Really? I presume you're an authority
on eyes, Mr. Chandler?
Oh, no, not eyes, marbles.
I was champion of my block
for three years running.
Mibs Chandler they called me.
- How quaint.
- Connie.
Connie, dear. Lunch tomorrow.
I've something exciting to tell you.
Oh, we couldn't possibly do
without Connie tomorrow.
She's our inspiration.
I thought I was rather clever.
Yes, I thought you thought so.
It just dawned on me...
...I seem to have made myself
a permanent member of your party.
Yes, that's dawned on me too.
Shall we sit down?
Oh, yes, of course.
You know, Chandler, I've decided
you're not only a duck hunter...
...but you're a darn good one.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes.
I would say that Mr. Chandler
is quite a hunter.
Well, if you'll both excuse me,
I'm quite tired.
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, I think not.
Good night, Mibs.
And don't keep Father up too late
with your stories.
Now, about that Sangamon.
Oh, yes. Well...
Senorita. Senorita.
- Senorita Allenbury.
- Oh, Pancho Chandler, huh?
I've got something I wanna tell you.
The Burns Norvells.
They caught up with me this morning.
Dinner tonight.
So you wanna rope Father
and me in, is that it?
Well, after all, I inherited them from you.
Now it's your turn
to come through for me.
I'm gonna tell them you and your father
will join me for cocktails before dinner.
Now, Mr. Chandler, that thought
could only come from a disordered mind.
Wait a minute, when the Burns Norvells
arrive, you come in without your father.
Father gets all the breaks.
Announce that he wants to see me
right away, a brilliant idea for our book.
We'll have to work all evening.
Will you do it?
All right. I will.
Swell. Cocktails in my room at 7.
- Your room?
- The bar is too near the dining room.
Oh, I see. Your room at 7.
All right. Good.
Come on. Come on.
Home, Dolores.
Now, get this straight.
She's gonna be here any minute, alone.
Alone? Gee, how did you swing it?
Well, she thinks...
She thinks I invited a lot of other people.
Now, give us about 10 minutes...
...then fling open the door and...
There she is now.
Are we late, dear boy?
Late? Well, really, that depends. l...
It's too sweet of you
to send a message by Connie...
...asking us to have cocktails with you.
- Oh, Connie asked you.
- Why, yes.
- Oh, I see.
- I do hope you have daiquiri cocktails.
They're my favorite.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I only have champagne cocktails.
Oh, well, that's my new favorite.
Well, shall we have one now
or shall we wait for Miss Allenbury?
Oh, we forgot to tell you.
Connie isn't coming.
She has one of her headaches.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe I'd better call her up
and see how she is, huh?
Excuse me.
- Oh, but, Mr. Chandler. Here's a telephone.
- Yes?
Here's a telephone...
Yes, but the operator in the bedroom
has much nicer voice.
Relax. Relax.
The Allenbury dame didn't show up.
She's got a headache.
Hello.
Well, the ubiquitous Mr. Chandler.
- How's your headache?
- All over.
- How was your cocktail party?
- All over.
As a matter of fact, it was quite delightful.
I'm glad now that you didn't come.
- Oh, you are?
- Yes.
I found the Burns Norvells
quite charming...
...far superior to most people
one meets at hotels.
I thought you'd get along with them.
Babs is one girl in a million
and so rich too. Or didn't you know?
Oh, yes. Yes, her mother told me.
She told me several interesting things.
I had no idea you were so fragile.
- Fragile? Me?
- Yes. You damage so easily.
Damage?
Oh, it fascinates me.
Sues for $2 million, just think of it.
Asks damages for $2 million,
it gives me a new light on you.
Just who, I said, is this wonder girl?
Joan of Arc?
Florence Nightingale? Madame Curie?
What has she done
to get such a reputation?
Discover penicillin?
- Aren't you being a little absurd?
- Aren't you?
- Wait just a moment. You don't understand.
- Oh, no, no. Don't tell me. Let me guess.
And do be careful.
You might injure yourself.
You should be kept under glass.
And that, Miss Allenbury, is the first
sincere gesture you've ever made.
And that, my dear friend,
is the last I saw of Miss Connie Allenbury.
Five days in a hotel
and she slaps your face.
That's progress.
- So the wonder boy lays a big, fat egg, huh?
- Would you kindly hush my wife?
- Nobody's hushing me.
- Gladys.
I have my ticket to Reno
and my hotel reservations and my lawyer...
And no grounds.
It's a million to one
you'll ever see the Allenburys again.
You lose. He's asked me to his lodge
in Canada for a weekend of duck hunting.
Oh, fine. What do I do?
Bust in on you and the old man?
Oh, no, Connie will be there, all right.
I'll take bets on that too.
That was no farewell slap.
Well, now, wait a minute, that's fine,
that's great. When do you go?
- Leaving tomorrow.
- Gladdy leaves the next night.
Oh, I can see it all now. Alone in
the mountains, away from the world.
Just you, Connie and the ducks.
Midnight. Gladdy appears.
The trusting bride that you've deserted.
Crushed. Stricken.
- And bust up the joint, huh?
- With a detective.
Connie rushes from her room.
You rush from your room.
You follow Connie down the stairs
in a dressing gown.
What do I wear?
Flashlights, bang, the case is in the bag.
Congratulations, Bill.
I always knew you'd deliver.
- I think I'll wear pink.
- There's only one hitch.
- Hitch?
- I look terrific in pink.
- Duck hunting.
- Duck hunting?
- Did you ever see me in pink?
- Quiet.
The tales I've told Allenbury
would curl what's left of your hair.
I've never even held a gun.
Relax. I'll have an instructor here
first thing in the morning.
- Hey, where are you going?
- The office.
- You're gonna leave me here alone?
- I'm here.
- Listen, if I have to stay here with that...
- Oh, fine. This is where I came in.
Please, you've got to appear married.
- This is only a business arrangement.
- Well, it's a fine... That is my bedroom.
I'm going to get some bedclothes.
I'm sleeping out here.
Everything will be all right.
You in there, he's in here.
A door in between, locked.
Warren Haggerty,
are you willing that I should stay here...
...your fiance, the girl you love?
Will you please not worry?
I trust him like a brother.
- Well, he's not my brother.
- You will hurt his feelings.
- Oh, that would be tough.
- Excuse me.
- So long, Bill.
- Pardon me.
- I'll have that instructor here in the morning.
- Oh, fine.
Oh, would you hold that, please?
You big square.
Hello?
Who?
Send him right up.
Gladys. Gladys, open the door.
The duck man is on his way up.
Tell him we don't want any.
Come on and open the door.
I gotta hide the bedclothes.
Just a minute.
- Hurry up. Hurry up.
- Well, I have to get something on.
Come on. Open up, Gladys.
Hurry up. Hurry up.
Open the door. Make it snappy, Gladys.
Make it snappy.
The man's on his way up.
I've gotta get rid of these clothes.
Come on. Open up. Open the door.
- Come on. Hurry up.
- I've lost the key.
I've been robbed.
Relax. The front-door key
always fits both doors.
You mean that key
was out there all night?
Obviously.
Now, remember, try to act married, huh?
- Mr. Chandler?
- Yes.
Homer Henshaw, of the Happy Hunter
Supply Company, Limited, at your service.
- Come right in.
- Theodore.
Your hat, please.
Mr. Haggerty tells me you're a beginner,
Mr. Chandler. Is that correct?
Beginner's hardly the word.
I've never even really...
- Begun.
- Yes.
Well, we'll change all that.
Now, you just settle back
and make yourself comfy.
Now, in duck hunting,
the first thing one must master is...
The call.
Of all the many hunters
I have known intimately...
...a surprisingly small percentage
call adequately or with discretion.
That is the foundation
of elementary duck hunting.
- Are elementary ducks in season?
- Please, no levity.
Mr. Henshaw, this is my wife.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Now, a vast repertoire of calls
is not essential.
Two or three are sufficient. Theodore.
Calls may be divided into two classes:
A, diving ducks, and B, non-diving ducks.
The difference between
the two types being...
...A, one dives, and B, one does not.
How did he ever figure that out? Genius.
First, I will demonstrate the Greeting Call.
Theodore.
The Greeting Call.
Next, the Come-Back Call. Theodore.
You know, that's a cinch tune
for the Hit Parade.
- Quiet, please.
- All right.
Last but not least,
the Lazy Hen Call. Theodore.
She's not lazy. She's dead.
A knowledge of the musical scale
is helpful though not mandatory.
However, I find it of immeasurable aid
in perfecting one's tone.
- Will you kindly assist us at the piano?
- Love it. Love it.
- Mr. Chandler.
- Yes.
A way of determining
the timbre of one's tone...
...is to run the gamut of the scale
from do to do.
I find substituting the word "quack"
for each note in the scale...
...extremely beneficial
to beginners, like this:
You ready? One, two.
Bravo. Now, Mr. Chandler, that you
have mastered the call in its slow form...
...we can start speeding it up
to an excitable pitch.
- Ready. One two.
- Yes.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Capital.
Now, Mr. Chandler,
we're ready for a series of test calls.
Mrs. Chandler,
I'm going to impose on you again.
You are a female duck.
This will be quite a blow to my mother.
A redheaded pin-tailed widgeon.
You fly into the bedroom...
...latch the door and Mr. Chandler here
will give a series of calls.
When he hits the call that appeals
to your mating instinct, you fly out again.
Clear?
All right. I'm a red-haired
pin-tailed widgeon.
- My, what lovely plumage.
- Theodore.
Now, Mr. Chandler, since you've mastered
the technique, we will use the duck reed.
Now, remember, it's mind over matter.
Man against mallard.
One must invest one's call
with hypnotic quality...
...sufficient to lure the wary duck
from her marshy lair.
Now, one, two, three, go.
Happy New Year.
Start again. Try the Come-Back Call.
Maybe I'm not putting
enough schmaltz into it.
Try the Lazy Hen Call.
No. No. Well, now, let me try.
This call has never failed.
The last time I used it,
it brought me a Canadian honker.
- That did it.
- I don't get it.
- Why didn't you come out when I called?
- I was busy laying eggs.
Ten minutes late already.
I told you he wouldn't show up.
Nonsense. He'll be along any minute.
I'll bet 50 shares of Tel. and Tel.
he can't hit the side of a barn.
And you'd lose. He's the best-informed
man on duck hunting I've ever met.
Oh, Father, darling, for an inveterate
chairman of the board, you're very naive.
Listen to me, young lady,
I know a first-class hunter when I see one.
Yeah, and a first-class young man too.
Well, if he's first class,
I'll travel steerage.
Why, of all the impossible,
conceited, self-centered...
Then why did you come up here?
You had a weekend all planned
at home, didn't you?
I had to protect my favorite father.
You know, darling, you may know about
bulls and bears, but I know about wolves.
Don't be ridiculous.
Hi, Chandler.
Good morning, Mr. Allenbury.
Miss Allenbury.
- Glad to see you, my boy.
- Yes, good morning.
- This is the life, eh?
- Oh, there's nothing like it.
Catching cold, Mr. Chandler?
Oh, no. Just a frog in my throat.
- We're old friends.
- I see.
- Well, shall we get started?
- Started?
If you don't mind,
I'd like to try my luck up ahead there.
The ripples are swifter
and the reeds are thicker.
Wise man.
That's one of my favorite blinds too.
You'll find a skiff up there.
- Here's a Thermos and sandwiches.
- And we'll let you take Fetchit.
- Fetchit?
- Our pooch.
You shoot it, he'll fetch it.
Best retriever in Canada.
Shake hands with the man, Fetchit.
I'm afraid he's taken a dislike to you.
He's really quite human, you know.
Here, Fetchit. Nice Fetchit.
Oh, well,
I guess I could do my own retrieving.
I really look quite attractive
with a duck in between my teeth.
Well, happy hunting.
Go on. Go on, Fetchit. Go with him.
What about those new togs, new gun,
new decoys, new everything.
He's after something all right,
but it's not ducks.
Nice weather for ducks, eh, Fetchit?
Fun, isn't it?
I used to do it in the bathtub.
Well, I was only 5.
Well, it could happen to anyone.
Oh, isn't that awful?
Terrible. But by golly, it worked.
You saw that last flight.
I didn't hear any shots from his direction.
My dear, the man's a sportsman.
He wanted to give us first call.
Fetchit, go get it. Fetch it.
Best retriever in Canada, huh?
Here, Fetchit. Here, Fetchit.
Fetchit...
Fetchit...
Fetchit...
Thank you, Fetchit.
Even I know
you have to keep your powder dry.
Look, here they come again.
Young man, this is the finest honker
that ever led a V formation across Canada.
And you bagged him
as clean as a whistle.
Connie, you've cooked him to perfection.
You mean, you cooked that?
- And wait until you taste Dad's dressing.
- Now, don't tell me you made the dressing.
Connie Allenbury, you have taken from me
the one thing in the world I love.
My husband.
Good, huh?
I don't see Ethel Barrymore
having a nervous breakdown.
- Well, shall we have some news or music?
- Just a little.
- Enough?
- That's enough, yeah.
Music.
I think I'll turn in.
It's been a pretty big day.
Come on, Fetchit.
I bribed him with a giblet.
Well, would you mind telling my dog
it's time to go to bed?
Oh, no, not at all.
Your master's calling you, old boy.
Yes, come on.
I'll have to red-apple him. Come on.
- Good night.
- Good night, sir.
Good night, Dad.
- Tired?
- Oh, no, no. Why?
That's the third time
you've looked at your watch since dinner.
Well, I'm an old clock-watcher
from way back.
Now, don't you get too comfortable,
young man.
We have work to do.
What's that?
- Aggies.
- Aggies?
Crystal clear and cold as ice.
Now, Mibs Chandler,
prepare to defend your title.
- You mean you shoot marbles too?
- Certainly, I'm a very remarkable girl.
I'm beginning to think you're right.
There are many sides to my nature,
young man.
Depths you little dream of.
I'll make a study.
Do.
Come on. Come on, Mibs, come on.
Now, here we go.
- How's my grip?
- Not bad for an amateur.
Move your thumb
a fraction to the right. There.
Now what?
You know, there's usually
a slight charge for this...
...but in your case,
I'll make an exception.
Now, you get a bead on your aggie.
- Bead on my aggie.
- Now let her fly.
Alrighty, I think I will take
that little green one on the end.
Beginner's luck.
Professional jealousy.
Now, I shall endeavor
to watch the curve of my fast one.
Here goes the blue.
Lady, I am a scout
with the Catskill Cats' Eyes.
If you've got a slow ball,
we'll talk contract.
You're a funny kid.
Very different from the girl in Mexico.
I feel different. It's this place.
It's all tied up with my childhood.
You know,
we've had some heavenly times here.
Every minute completely filled.
Like today.
It's been pretty perfect.
- And it's costing me a fortune, young man.
- What?
I'm paying dearly for this day of fun.
How? What do you mean?
I bet Dad 50 shares of Tel. and Tel.
that you'd tip your hand the first 24 hours.
- Tip my hand?
- Yes. You see, at first at the hotel...
Well, I thought
you were just another fortune-hunter...
...chasing $50 million on the hoof.
I've been misinformed.
I thought it was only 49.
I know it seems silly...
...but I still thought
you had something up your sleeve.
An oil well, an invention
or an emerald mine.
The last one had an emerald mine.
Would you believe it?
I even bet you didn't hunt.
And you lost.
I'm glad I lost.
Live and learn, says I, Connie, my pet.
Next time, don't bet on men.
Don't apologize
for suspecting people, Connie.
Keep right on.
Ring every coin you meet.
There are lots of wooden nickels
in circulation.
- You gotta go to bed.
- No, not a chance.
I wanna talk.
You're the first person in years that...
You're in for it, my lad.
The story of my life.
The kitten that died when I was 6...
...and my Great Aunt Matilda
who married at 82 and divorced at 83.
And all those twisted newspaper stories
about my romances.
And why they were not romances.
There aren't gonna be
any more twisted stories.
Connie, you know I was...
Remember?
Mexico.
- You ran out on me.
- I was a witch.
I beg your pardon?
- Holy mackerel, it's 12:00.
- Well, what happens at 12:00?
That, my dear,
I hope you will never know.
Good night, Connie.
Good night, Bill.
- Hey, what's that?
- Maybe it's a holdup.
Can't be.
We're on the Allenbury grounds.
- Chandler, what in the world?
- Bill.
I had to flag you
before you got to the lodge.
- Connie's gone.
- Gone?
- I'm not gonna get to bust up the joint?
- She left this afternoon.
She came to put the place in order,
then flew to New York.
- Why didn't you phone?
- Because I didn't have a nickel...
...for the payphone in the duck blind.
Get out of here
before anybody sees you.
You're coming back with us, aren't you?
I can't disappear
in the middle of the night.
Well, what a fine Romeo you are.
One look and the dame takes a powder.
Gee, this is great. Now I can tell the boys
back in the office I saw Canada.
The setup's perfect, we can't miss.
The setup's crazy,
you haven't got a chance.
- How do you spell Schenectady?
- The girl was in the woods with you.
- For only a night.
- Well, how long do you need?
Look, you told your wife
you were going to Washington on business.
- Is Schenectady S-K?
- But you lied to your bride.
You didn't go to Washington.
You went to the Allenbury Lodge...
...to keep a rendezvous with Connie.
- Our detective will swear he followed.
- Her father was there.
- That's a blind.
- How do you spell Schenectady?
Send it to Troy.
- Look, Connie was...
- Connie left the next morning.
Guilty conscience.
- You're out of your mind.
- You come home with circles to here.
You're cold to the little woman, indifferent.
You criticize her biscuits, strike her.
- She strikes you back.
- You strike her back.
- How do you spell Troy?
- It's in the bag.
As neat a case for alienation of affections
as I've ever seen.
- And we slap it on tomorrow.
- Oh, no.
- What do you mean, "Oh, no"?
- You can't get away with it, Haggerty.
They'd throw you out of every court
in the country, and Gladys with you.
- Not if I wear my pink, I'm terrific in pink.
- Why would they throw us out?
A, I was Allenbury's guest, not Connie's.
B, I was never alone with the girl.
- C...
- I know the alphabet.
Haggerty, I tell you,
you haven't got a leg to stand on.
Now, take it easy, won't you?
I'm getting a real in with the family,
working up to an open-and-shut case.
We've got a perfect case
and we open suit tomorrow.
You be in the lawyer's office at 9:30.
Make it 9 so we can make the noon edition.
- How big will my picture be?
- As big as Connie's.
- It better be.
- Look, Haggerty.
Give me one week and I guarantee
to have Connie Allenbury in a real spot.
Not a chance.
She's walked out on you twice.
You know,
I think you're beginning to lose your grip.
- Good night, baby.
- Aren't you gonna kiss me?
Well, I wouldn't leave
without kissing you.
What a lover.
Sweeps you right off your feet.
You know, I can't seem
to figure that guy out.
I can understand him
tossing me to the dogs for the paper...
...but when he does it
to the woman he loves...
Who's tossing who to what dogs?
If he goes through with this in the morning,
by nightfall, we'll all land in the jug.
- Jug? You mean jail?
- I mean the clink.
But why?
It's the same plan we had all along.
Why, we haven't got enough evidence
to convince a jury of low-grade morons.
If he springs this, the Allenburys
are bound to smell a frame-up.
- You think so?
- I know so.
And to think that Haggerty
would do this to you:
The girl he pretends to love.
Think of the publicity.
I am, that's why I went for this deal
in the first place.
- Warren said it would do a lot for my career.
- He did, did he?
Well, let me ask you something:
Would Bernhardt do it?
Would Cornell, Hayes, Fontanne do it?
Well, no, but...
Well, I'm not in a class
with those dames.
My dear girl, you're too modest.
Why, you're a woman of great depths.
Depths that have never been plumbed.
No, Warren's not much of a plumber.
Why, you have everything.
Fire, beauty, temperament.
Warren doesn't know the real you, I do.
Warren stifles you, holds you down.
Yeah, who does he think he is?
Why, you could soar to the heights
but Warren won't let you.
He's selfish.
He doesn't want you to rise above him.
The big heel.
My heart bleeds when I think of a girl
with your talent...
...hoofing in a nightclub.
Why, you should do great things,
important things.
Shakespeare, Moliere, lbsen.
That's it, lbsen.
I can see you now in A Doll's House.
Are you kidding? I'm 5-foot-7.
And Shakespeare.
What a lovely Ophelia you'd make.
Flowers wreathing your shiny hair
and a crazy look on your face.
Hamlet. Hamlet.
That reminds me. Are you hungry?
Hello, room service.
We'll have a bite to eat.
I'd like a menu, please.
And my wife would like
a magnum of champagne.
No, don't get a magnum.
Get a whole quart.
Pour me another glass of bubbly.
Quote, "Bubble, bubble,
toil and trouble," unquote.
- Macbeth.
- My grandfather's name was MacSweeney.
What's in a name?
A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet.
- That's my grandmother.
- Who?
Rose. Rose MacSweeney.
- Well, let's drink to the old girl.
- Let's just drink, period.
Come, my fair Ophelia.
Let us down the sweet draught of Bacchus.
- What's that?
- That's Shakespeare for "bottoms up."
Oh, all right.
- You know what?
- What?
I don't wanna play Ophelia.
- I wanna play Hamlet.
- Why?
Because Hamlet wears tights
and I'm terrific in tights.
Did you ever see me in tights?
I'm pretty.
- Someone awaits without.
- Well, let him await.
Farewell for the nonce, my fair Ophelia.
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
Farewell.
Take it away. Farewell.
- Enter.
- Who that? Who that?
'Tis thy father's ghost.
I beg your pardon, sir.
I ain't no ghost, I'm a waiter.
There's me badge, Local 950.
And I'm paid up too.
Gadzooks,
they're even organizing ghosts.
Yon Cassius
hath a lean and hungry look.
Well, slip him a buck
and let him get some dinner.
- Here's a tip for you.
- Yeah? And here's a tip for you:
Beware the ides of March.
Your servant, my fair Ophelia.
Oh, no. Oh, no, we mustn't.
- Remember Warren.
- Who?
- Oh, him.
- Yeah.
Well, a girl certainly can hug
her own husband...
...and you are my husband, aren't you?
- Oh, yes, I am your husband.
- Yes.
And after all, this is our last night.
What do you mean?
Why, if you file suit tomorrow, I'll have
to move out to prove we're alienated.
I'm gonna miss you, my dear.
And I'm gonna miss you too.
I hate to let you be dragged
into this tomorrow.
You don't want me
to start suit tomorrow, do you?
For your sake, no. No, I don't.
Well, then, I don't.
I don't do anything
that you don't want me to do.
- There'll be a row with Warren.
- A pox on Warren.
Did that come out of me?
How about Hamlet giving Ophelia
a nice big kiss?
Well...
No, I couldn't, really.
- Why not?
- Well, it's just not in the play.
No wonder Ophelia went nuts.
- What did he do?
- Well, he...
- Wait, I'll show you.
- All right.
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
- He placed a candle at her feet.
- Yeah.
- Like this.
- Yes.
- And another at her head, like this.
- Yes.
And then he crossed her hands
upon her bosom, like this.
- Yes.
- And silently tiptoed away.
Like this.
Gee.
That's the nicest brush-off I ever got.
- Aren't you coming in?
- I never dunk this time of the year.
Why? The water's warm.
That's because you're in it.
That's all very nice, young man,
but you're not fooling me.
Something's wrong.
What is it? Tell me, Bill.
- I can't.
- Why? Please.
I swore I'd never mention it again.
The libel suit.
- But what on earth has that to do with us?
- Plenty.
Connie, for your own sake,
you've got to drop it.
You're trying to fight fire with fire.
But you're only gonna get burned.
You think it'll end publicity...
...but you'll wind up smeared
over every newspaper in town.
- You don't seem to realize...
- And I don't care.
Let's not go over it again, Bill.
I know all your arguments.
- And I know all your answers.
- Get your suit on, come on in.
- You're taking this much too seriously.
- Am I?
- After all, it's my fight.
- Well, that makes it mine too.
You really care that much?
Connie, if I had $2 million,
I'd give it to settle this thing right now.
You're sweet.
- Bill, shall I drop it?
- Would you?
Take me dancing tonight at the Waldorf
and I'll tell you.
The Waldorf? Isn't that rather public?
- I mean, maybe...
- I thought so.
I do well in my own back yard but you're
ashamed to be seen with me in public.
With good reason. Look at you.
You've got water dripping down your face.
- Beautiful?
- No, but dry.
Stop spoiling me.
- Hey, hey.
- Man the pumps.
I'll get you for this.
If he isn't at the Athletic Club,
try the Yale Club.
I've gotta find him. Two hours late.
This guy's driving me crazy.
Ten days and he hasn't even seen
the Allenbury dame.
- He wasn't like this in Mexico.
- I'll try his apartment.
It's no use.
Gladys has been phoning all afternoon.
She's on his trail too.
Gladys phoned?
Didn't you tell her I was here?
Sure, but she wanted him.
She's afraid he's sore
at something she said...
...and she wants to apologize.
Gladys wants to apologize?
He was to take her to lunch,
but he didn't show up.
She's afraid he was in an accident.
She wants us to try the morgue.
She never tried the morgue for me.
- Hey, wait a minute, what goes on here?
- Maybe he's working on the wrong dame.
- What are you talking about?
- She's his wife, isn't she?
She's his wife, but she's engaged to me.
- Yeah?
- Come in a minute, Haggerty.
Okay, chief.
Working on the wrong dame.
- Haggerty, you...
- We're in a tough spot, chief.
- He still hasn't been able to see Connie.
- What are we going to do?
- You realize what this means?
- More than you know.
Everything I've built up and worked
all my life for is at stake.
And now this Chandler,
this miracle worker you've sold me...
...what's he been doing all this time?
- I wish I knew.
Well, it's your business to find out.
Now, do something.
You bet I'll do something.
I'll take matters into my own hands.
I'll go and see Connie Allenbury.
What makes you think
you can get in to see her?
Mr. Farwood,
when I worked for you as a reporter...
...I got into places
that a greased termite couldn't get into.
I even got into the powder room
of the YWCA.
- Of course, I got thrown out, but I got in.
- All right, try it.
- Make her see, appeal to her reason.
- What reason?
This is Connie Allenbury,
the spoiled daughter of the rich...
...without a brain in her head.
But I know how to handle her kind.
I throw myself on her mercy.
Play hearts and flowers.
Pull out all the stops, the old sob stuff.
- The McGoo.
- The McGoo?
But, Miss Allenbury,
I appeal to your social conscience.
Why, thank you, Mr. Haggerty.
I didn't know your paper thought I had one.
If you go through with this case,
500 employees will be out of work.
Men and women, jobless,
walking the streets.
Women like yourself, Miss Allenbury,
cold, tired, hungry.
Driven to drink and ruin.
- You write the editorials, don't you?
- Yes.
I know what you're thinking.
You're saying to yourself:
"It's not my fault if 500 men and women
are going to starve.
It's the fault of the paper."
- Well, isn't it?
- No.
It's my fault.
It's all my mistake.
For the rest of my life, I'll be haunted by
the knowledge that I've wrecked 500 lives.
That's all I care about, Miss Allenbury.
That those poor, unfortunate souls
should have to suffer.
Mr. Haggerty, you're right.
- They shouldn't pay for your mistake.
- I knew you'd feel this way.
Thank you, Connie.
I mean, Miss Allenbury.
I'll see to it personally
that the whole $2 million...
...goes into a trust fund for them.
You mean
you're going ahead with the case?
But of course, I must.
To get the 2 million.
Why, now I'll push it doubly hard.
Now I have a cause.
Yes, but the paper, it'll go under.
It'll fold.
Yes, I suppose it will,
but as you said, that's secondary.
The main thing is to get the money
for those poor men and women.
- Where are you, darling?
- Here I am, dear.
This is Mr. Haggerty of the Morning Star.
Mr. Chandler, Mr. Haggerty.
Not William Chandler, the writer?
Yes, yes, I'm William Chandler,
the writer.
Bill does hunting books.
That takes you to many interesting places,
doesn't it?
It's all in a day's work.
Well, I'm just becoming familiar
with your work.
I thought maybe
you might do something for our paper.
Now, I realize that's a great departure
from what you're doing now.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but I seem to have my hands full.
Yes, haven't you?
Now, no more work.
Why, I only see him once a day now.
Connie, you might give the man
the wrong impression.
Well, if you must be factual, twice a day,
sometimes three times, but...
There's no need to impress me.
After all, I came here to discuss the case.
But now,
there's nothing more to discuss.
There certainly isn't.
How do you do, sir?
I'm Warren Haggerty of the Morning Star.
I know, the butler told me you were here.
He's waiting to show you to your car.
- Really? I won't keep him.
- Please don't.
Tell your owner, Mr. Curtis Farwood,
we are not entertaining any representative...
...of his paper in this house.
- I'll make a point to tell him.
You're entertaining
no representative of the Morning Star.
Goodbye, sir. Goodbye, Miss Allenbury.
Goodbye, Mr. Chandler.
It was quite a surprise,
but a great pleasure, having seen you here.
- Hello?
- Hello, Gladdy?
Say, Gladdy, get a load of this.
What?
You just saw him there
a few minutes ago?
Been seeing her every day?
Why, he told me he hadn't seen her
since Canada, the big two-timer.
Sure, sure, he's been protecting her.
He's in love with the dame.
Sure, that's why he's stalling.
Say, Gladdy, how long would it take you
to get over to the Allenbury house?
Half an hour? Oh, swell.
Now, listen, Gladdy...
...I want you to go in there
and bust up the joint.
Sure, sure. He'll still be there.
He can't get away.
He was just going into dinner when I left.
Dinner. Dinner, huh?
He couldn't have dinner with me
but he can with her.
That's fine. I don't know
what he's eating, but I hope he chokes.
That's my baby. You tear the roof off.
You be sure to get in touch with me
when you're through.
You should've seen his face
when I told him about the trust.
It was wonderful.
Well, this time tomorrow,
I'll be dining in the sky room at the airport.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Just dinner with my publisher.
He's flying to the coast on the 13th.
But today is the 13th.
Oh, no. Tomorrow's the 13th.
Friday the 13th.
- Bill, today is Friday.
- What?
Of course, Friday the 13th.
The unluckiest day of the year.
It will be if I miss him.
He's got a contract waiting for me to sign.
- I've got to see him.
- What time does the plane leave?
- 9:45.
- You can make it.
- I'll drive you, Bill.
- Finish your dinner, I insist.
- I've got my own car outside.
- Well...
Hello?
Don't you "Hello, Gladdy" me,
Bill Chandler.
So you're having dinner
with your publisher tonight, huh?
You've been handing me a line
of phony chatter for the past 10 days.
And all the time, you've been romancing
that Long Island lorgnette-raiser.
You can't get away with it.
I have a piece of paper in my possession
that proves you're my husband.
And I'm telling that
to Connie Allenbury tonight.
Now, now,
that doesn't sound like my Ophelia.
Ophelia, my foot.
I don't blame you for being upset.
But it hurts to know
that you don't trust your Hamlet.
Look, I want you to slip
into your new green dress.
You're terrific in green. I'll pick you up
in 20 minutes. We're going dancing.
And when I have you in my arms,
holding you close, I'll explain everything.
Well, all right, I'll meet you.
But nothing you can say will stop me
from seeing that Allenbury dame tonight.
- Boy, this is swell. Great.
- It's magnificent.
We'll fill in the gory details
when we hear from Gladdy.
I wonder what's keeping her.
It's after 12:00.
The longer we wait, the better the story.
I bet the old man's trying to bribe her.
Say, that'd make a swell subhead.
"Rich father tries to bribe wronged wife."
I wonder where that rat,
Chandler, is now.
I'll bet he's halfway to...
- Where have you been?
- Dancing.
What? What did you say?
Dancing, you know, rumba, samba.
The little woman does them all.
Do you mean to say
that you didn't even go to the Allenburys?
- That you didn't...?
- No, Bill and I decided against it.
- Why, you...
- Warren, easy does it.
All right, kill the story. Go on, kill it!
Now, Mr. and Mrs. Benedict Arnold,
what have you got to say for yourselves?
Keep your voice down, Warren.
Bill and I are not used to shouting.
Will you tell me what's happened?
You better tell him, Bill.
His blood pressure, you know.
Maybe you're right, dear.
Well, Haggerty, what would you say
if I were to tell you...
...that I've gotten Connie Allenbury
to agree to drop the case?
I'd say you were a no-good,
double-crossing liar.
- And I'd be right.
- Come, William.
I refuse to stay here
and listen to you being insulted.
Now, just a minute.
I wanna tell you something.
Not four hours ago,
I heard your two-timing Romeo...
...drooling sweet nothings
into Connie's diamond-studded ear.
How do you like that?
Bill told me all about that.
That's merely his technique.
- You wouldn't understand.
- Are you going to listen to him or to me?
Bill knows best, Warren.
Believe me, Haggerty,
it's much better and cleaner this way.
Now, the Allenburys are giving a party
tomorrow night.
- I'll be there.
- You go right ahead, Bill. I trust you.
And what's more, I'll get her
to drop the case once and for all.
Providing you don't decide
to barge in again.
Yes, Warren, you're so obvious.
Why don't you be more subtle like Bill?
Listen, how do I know
you can get Connie to drop this case?
- You'll just have to take my word for it.
- Well, that's good enough for me, lamby.
Well, then it's all right.
Say, wait a minute.
- Maybe it is the best way.
- Now you're talking sense.
All right, now go to it.
I'm sorry I blew my top.
Think nothing of it.
Now, shake hands.
I want my two boys to be friends.
Shake hands.
That's it.
Come, William.
Good night, Warren.
- What's up?
- That two-timing, conniving rat.
Making Gladdy believe he's in love with her.
He won't get away with it.
- How you gonna stop him?
- I'm gonna wash up that Allenbury case.
And Mr. William Chandler along with it.
Miss Benton?
A Mr. Haggerty outside
asked me to give you this.
Said this item
on the society page should interest you.
Society page? Is he kidding?
Sure he didn't say the financial page?
- You read it to me, Grace.
- Of course.
"A little birdie tells us
the Charity Fiesta...
...at Allenbury Estate tonight will mark
the announcement of the engagement...
...of Miss Connie Allenbury
to Mr. William Chandler.
The happy couple is expected
to honeymoon in Mexico City...
...the romantic spot of their first meeting."
- That did it. Let me out of here, Aggie.
Aggie, let me out of here.
- Let me out of here. Aggie, Aggie.
- She went for it.
Yes, yes, but suppose she sees a copy
of the regular edition without that item?
- She'll know it's a phony.
- Not a chance.
We've gotta plant ourselves
at the Allenbury house. Come on.
Brother, there will be fireworks
at the fiesta tonight.
- There you are.
- Thank you.
- What is it, Roberts?
- Mr. Allenbury, if you please, sir?
Excuse me a moment. Well?
There's a lady who claims it's imperative
that she see you immediately.
- What does she want?
- She refused to say.
- She seemed a bit agitated.
- Where is she?
I took the privilege of asking her
to remain on the terrace.
All right, Roberts, I'll see her.
Mr. Allenbury.
Yes, yes, very nice, very nice.
Well, not now, later, later.
But, senor, Mr. Chandler told us
to follow you...
...and play for you wherever you go.
Thanks very much. Very good.
But not now. No, later. Later.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- I am J.B. Allenbury.
- So?
- What is it you want?
- I want my husband.
- Your husband?
- I am Mrs. William Chandler.
Mrs. William Chandler?
Do you mean Bill Chandler?
I mean Bill Chandler, the guy
that's running around with your daughter.
- Well, there must be some mistake.
- Oh, no, there isn't.
- I'm his wife and I can prove it.
- Please, please.
If what you say is true,
you'll have every opportunity to do so.
- You bet I will. Where is he?
- Please.
Trying to bribe me, eh?
Well, hardly.
Your husband will be returned to you
just as soon as I can find him.
- I'll go right along with you.
- It would be wiser for you to remain here.
So you're afraid I'll make a scene, huh?
Well, I will.
I don't doubt that for a moment.
I'll bring your husband to you.
- Please find Miss Connie and tell her...
- Mr. Allenbury...
- No, no, not now. Later.
- But, senor, Mr. Chand...
I know, Mr. Chandler told you
to follow me and sing to me when...
Not now, later.
Find Connie and tell her
to meet me on the north terrace.
Yes, sir.
Well, what is this, darling?
I haven't seen you this worried
since you took your first rumba lesson.
How much does Chandler mean to you?
You're not jealous, are you?
- Are you in love with him?
- I'm terribly in love with him.
I never dreamed
I could care so much for anyone.
You're sure?
I'm sure.
Wait a minute.
You like him, don't you?
Why, of course.
Well, then stop being so mysterious.
What's this all about, Dad?
I'm afraid he's married.
I don't believe it.
I don't want to believe it either, Connie.
But I've just met the woman
who claims to be his wife.
Oh, no. No, I don't believe it.
I won't believe anything like that.
Still, it would explain so much.
Why we've always met alone.
We've got to know.
- Let me ask him, Dad.
- Connie.
It's my problem.
Let me work it out my own way, please.
You're quite sure you don't want me to?
And you'll ask him point-blank
so that he can't misunderstand?
Yes, so he can't misunderstand.
Just tell him I'd like to see him, please.
- Go on, darling.
- All right.
Hey, don't you think we're too old
to play hide-and-seek?
Yes, we're too old
to play blind man's bluff too.
You know, I like looking for you.
It's so nice when I find you.
- Bill...
- What?
There's something I've got to ask you.
If it's the moon you're gonna ask for,
it's yours.
I ordered it this morning in your size.
What's the matter?
Bill, I...
I just don't know where to begin.
We've had so much fun together,
such happy times and...
What are you trying to say,
that they're over?
I don't know.
Connie, what's happened?
What is it?
Bill, it's just that there's a question.
Well, ask it.
The most important I'll ever ask.
Just answer yes or no.
Don't explain.
If it's no, don't explain.
Go ahead.
- Bill?
- Yeah.
Well, Connie, what is it?
Bill, have you had many proposals?
Proposals? Well, that depends.
I mean, what kind?
Marriage proposals.
Not enough to turn my head.
- Bill, I'm asking you to marry me.
- Is that the question?
- Yes, will you marry me?
- But, Connie, l...
Answer me, Bill. Will you or won't you?
- Will I.
- When?
- When?
- Now?
- Now? You mean soon?
- I mean now. Tonight.
- Tonight?
- Will you, Bill?
Is there a preacher in the house?
Oh, no, no, not here.
We'll take the car. We'll drive.
Oh, Mibs, I thought I'd lost you.
You can never lose me. Didn't you
know that? Didn't you know that?
William Stevens Chandler,
ever been married before?
- No, not to speak of.
- No.
My wife will be the witness.
She'll be down in a minute.
- Are they sober?
- They seem to be.
- This is love, not alcohol.
- Well, join hands.
We already have.
Do you...?
Here.
"Do you, William Stevens Chandler...
...take Constance Allenbury
to be your lawfully-wedded..."
- Did he show?
- About 10 minutes ago.
- And that dame with him.
- My hunch was right.
I knew he'd bring her.
Did you call Gladdy?
- Sure.
- What'd she say?
She was furious. She said she'd tear that
hussy's blond hair out by its dark roots.
Hey, there's Gladdy. Duck.
We got him cold now, kid. Wait here.
So.
- Why, Gladys, this is a surprise.
- I'll bet it is.
I'm sorry to bust up your little party,
Miss Connie Allenbury...
...but that man
happens to be my husband.
This is the lady I was
telling you about, Miss...
Miss Nothing.
Mrs. William Chandler is the name.
- Mrs. William Chandler, get it?
- I've looked forward to meeting you.
Bill's told me so much about you.
He told you about me? That...
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not taking any powder.
I wouldn't think of it.
I just don't want Warren to miss anything.
For the first time, Haggerty,
we see eye-to-eye.
Come in, Warren.
Hear everything or shall we start over?
- Mr. Haggerty, nice to see you.
- How do you do? Gladys...
You keep out of this. This has nothing
to do with you or your newspaper.
- As Mrs. William Chandler, I demand...
- I beg your pardon, there's been a mistake.
But this is Mrs. Chandler
and has been for a whole hour.
- What?
- Yes, we were just married.
- Married? Why, you're out of your mind.
- Listen, if...
- But we are married, really.
- Like to see the marriage certificate?
I always carry it with me.
"Constance Allenbury,
William Stevens Chand..."
- Why, they really are married.
- But that's arson.
That's bigamy, dear.
What a story, what a story.
"Constance Allenbury Marries Bigamist."
Print that and have another libel suit.
- I am not a bigamist.
- Well, you married me, didn't you?
- That one doesn't count.
- Doesn't count?
- Doesn't count.
- What about...?
A certain Mr. Joseph Simpson,
your lawfully-wedded husband.
Don't hand me that.
I've been divorced from Joe...
You obtained your divorce
in Yucatan by mail.
All Yucatan divorces were ruled illegal
three years ago.
I looked that up
in the Hall of Records yesterday.
I also consulted my lawyer.
Gladys and I were never really married.
- And, Bill, don't forget the...
- Oh, yes, the letter from Mrs. Chandler.
What letter?
She was so touched by your plea
for those 500 starving employees.
You dropped the suit.
Connie, I mean, Miss Allenbury...
I mean, Mrs. Chandler.
I don't know how to thank you.
I can't thank you...
"Allenbury Heiress Marries Miracle Man."
What a story, what a scoop, what a day.
Mr. Haggerty,
haven't you forgotten something?
Oh, yes, my hat.
Your hat and Mrs. Simpson.
Mrs. Simpson? Oh, Gladys.
Gladdy, you know
that Mrs. Simpson kills me.
I've got to dash.
You call me in the office.
Just a minute.
If you want a real scoop,
I'll give you one.
I learned my Yucatan divorce
was no good...
...so I got a second divorce
from Joe Simpson in Reno.
You can look that up
in your Reno Hall of Records.
Now where do we stand?
- Let's sit.
- Bill, this is awful.
You were all terribly smart, weren't you?
All working for the happy ending.
Haggerty wins his case,
Chandler wins his girl.
But where do I come in?
I'll tell you. Right behind the eight ball.
I'm just something to kick around.
Something to protect a newspaper
or another woman's good name.
You had a lot of fun
making me fall for you.
And I did fall, but I'm picking myself
right up, Bill Chandler.
You can't fool me anymore
with your Ophelia and your Hamlet dribble.
You're a pretty poor excuse for a husband
but nobody else is gonna get you.
- Now, Gladdy, let...
- You're 10 times worse than he is.
He had some excuse for kicking me around.
He was in love with another woman.
You double-crossed me for a newspaper.
Well, marry the paper and be the proud papa
of a lot of little headlines.
I suppose this is all very distasteful to you,
Miss Allenbury.
You're not used to hearing the truth.
You've had a lot of money to protect you.
Spent your life
buying anything you want.
Well, my husband isn't worth very much,
but you couldn't buy him for any price.
- Come on, Gladys, wait a minute, will you?
- Let me go.
Gladys, you can't walk out on me like this.
Now, Gladys, will you...?
Oh, Gladys. Oh, Gladdy.
Let me handle this.
You two diplomats have done enough.
I'm afraid that's locked.
- Well, I'll find a way out of here.
- That one's locked too.
- Well, give me the key.
- Not just yet, I wanna talk to you.
- lf you dare offer me money, so help me...
- I wouldn't think of it.
- Well, what else is there to talk about?
- You.
- Me?
- Yes.
Gladys, I've a pretty fair notion
of what you've gone through.
Please let me finish.
Any woman can be starved by neglect.
Those attentions Bill paid you
probably seemed so much greater...
...because you weren't getting
any at all from Haggerty.
Why, I bet he never noticed
the clothes you wore...
...and how lovely you looked,
the way Bill did.
You don't want Bill.
I know, you've got him now.
But it won't work.
Gladys, marriage isn't built on spite.
It's built on love.
It's too important.
No, I won't listen.
I've been pushed around all my life and
from now on, I'm gonna do the pushing.
All right, so you settled the suit.
But you're not going to deny
you tried to make love to Gladdy.
- No, I'm not.
- You're not?
- No, I'm not, it's all in day's work.
- All in a day's work?
What do you think I was gonna pay you
$50,000 for, to make love to my girl?
If the necessity arose, yes.
But I assure you,
I wasn't putting forth my best efforts.
- She's not my type.
- She's not your type, huh?
I suppose Gladdy
isn't good enough for you, huh?
- I didn't say that.
- No, but you implied it.
Insult Gladdy, will you?
Well, you've had this coming
for a long time.
And I've been looking forward to it.
Gladys, you adore Warren Haggerty.
It's written all over you.
- Everything you've done and said proves it.
- I don't love Warren Haggerty, I always will.
I mean, I hate him
and I never wanna see him again.
- What's that?
- They're fighting.
Fighting? Well, let's stop it.
- Give me the key.
- I dropped it.
Warren, Warren, Warren.
Bill Chandler, if you hurt him...
Wait a minute, sucker.
Don't you hear who she's calling?
Warren. Hurry up.
- Warren.
- There now, are you satisfied?
- What's the matter?
- I've got an idea.
- Warren.
- A bloody nose always gets them.
Warren!
- Warren. Warren, what happened?
- I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.
- I am bleeding.
- You brute.
How dare you hit him
when his back is turned?
I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. I am bleeding.
- What's the meaning of this?
- Now, Father, be calm.
- I can explain everything.
- Then start explaining.
- Well, Dad, it was...
- Dad? You mean, you married him?
- Yes, I did, but you see...
- Then who's this woman?
- I'm Bill's wife.
- What?
Gladys and Bill
were never really married...
...because she was married
to Joseph Simpson.