1
On the edge of outer space
space, space, space
she's the one
with a serious face
face, face, face face, face
when I dropped in,
checked it out
alien girls were all about
eons since I had a date
another light-Year's
too long to wait
earth girls are easy
earth girls, so easy
earth girls
hey, those girls
are loads of fun
fun, fun, fun, fun
even hotter than the sun
sun, sun, sun
you know that I've had
lots of girls
most of them
from other worlds
while trippin' through
the galaxy
the valley girls
are the ones for me
earth girls are easy
earth girls, so easy
earth girls
earth girls
girls
you know that I've had
lots of girls
most of them
from other worlds
eons since I had a date
another light-Year's
too long to wait
earth girls are easy
earth girls, so easy
earth girls
earth girls are easy
earth girls, so easy
earth girls
earth girls
so easy
so easy, so easy
earth girls
Valerie.
I'm home.
You're not supposed to
see me in this
Before the wedding.
It's bad luck.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, sweetheart,
It's just some stupid
superstition anyway.
Yeah, you're right.
We met on Friday the 13th
And look how happy we are.
Ted, what happened?
You said 11:00.
Sorry, val. It was
blood and guts night
At the old emergency room.
Again?
I wish you'd called me.
I would have but, you know,
Five minutes
on the phone could, uh,
Cost a life.
Oh.
I'm ready, teddy.
Oh, what a day.
Oh, boy.
I was fluffing it for you.
Could you get
the light, please?
Teddy...
look what I found.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
I have to take out
a gall bladder
First thing in the morning.
Tomorrow night.
I promise.
I won't be here.
I'll be at the nail expo.
The cuticle convention,
remember?
I'll be gone till Monday.
Well, Monday, then.
I promise.
I was reading an ad
for these pyramids
You put over the bed.
They're supposed to
increase sexual energy.
Valerie, please.
Good night, sweetheart.
'Night.
K- Earth 101
southland weather...
Another gorgeous day
in I.A.
Sunny and warm.
86 degrees in Malibu.
94 in the valley.
88 in Hollywood.
That's k-Earth 101 news.
I'm Claudia Marshall.
It's the summer of love,
love, love
I'm in love
with love, love, love
for everyone transcends who
I'm thinking of you
boy
love energy
is giving us a shove
making this
the summer of love
Hi, miss Lana.
I'm so sorry.
I missed our appointment.
You look so great.
That's a great outfit.
Thanks, dear.
That door is a real bitch.
Hi, val.
Good morning.
It's a really
good color for me.
Wow.
You need a fill.
Uh, morning, all.
Good morning.
You better have a note
from your mother, young lady.
He's showing off
his body...
I don't know.
I'm just not that
turned on by her lately.
I hear
oysters are good for potency.
I tried that,
But they kept slipping off.
If I was any more potent,
I'd kill somebody.
Whoa!
Oh, right!
I gave this cute little nurse
A ride home the other night.
And?
And?
And nothing.
I'm getting married next month.
And why are you so tardy?
I was up real late
last night with ted.
Dr. Dolittle
finally came through, huh?
No. He was
dead on arrival.
Again? Sanka?
Sure.
At the rate we've
been having sex,
We might as well
be married already.
It's been, like, a week?
Two weeks.
Valerie, Teds obviously
a victim of pms.
What?
Premarital stress.
Oh.
What'll snap him out of it?
A new woman.
Thanks.
Wait. That's it!
We'll make you a new woman.
This is great.
Watch this.
Let's see how you look
on the makeover machine.
Oh, housewife from hell.
Matron on drugs.
Look at that.
That's it.
We'll make you blonde
With blue eyes.
Maybe
when I get back from the expo...
Skip the expo.
Stay home and ambush ted.
What if he doesn't like it?
At this point,
what have you got to lose?
Come on. We're
doing a makeover.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on!
A perm.
A butch.
A facial.
A body wrap.
Gravel scrub.
A gravel scrub.
Bikini wax.
We'll do it all.
All right!
Its time to face the music,
it's time to make you see
the root of all your problems
is that you don't look like me
now this is gonna hurt you,
but I just got to say
your love life's going nowhere
'cause you look like Doris day
who's the one
they can't resist?
The brand new girl
who's on
the most wanted list?
The brand new girl
honey, if you vixenize
guaranteed he'll get a rise
believe me, you can be
a brand new
brand new
brand new
brand new girl
Ow!
Rrrroww!
Aah!
You're cute
and fresh and wholesome
but science has a cure
the natural look is nowhere
your hairdresser
knows for sure
you got to learn
the art of teasing
change your repertoire
all you need's
a little faith
and a see-Through
pushup bra
if you want to be
a femme fatale
you can't rest
on your LOreals
you know, I think
she might be right
grab the bleach,
she's seen the light
Ow!
Ow!
Maybelline
Ooh.
Revlon
Aah.
Rubbermaid
talk to me, max factor
who's the one
they can't resist?
The brand new girl
who's on
the most wanted list?
The brand new girl
honey, if you vixenize
guaranteed he'll get a rise
believe me, you can be
a brand new
brand new
brand
new
girl
Hello, dr. Gallagher.
Surprised?
Yes, it's me.
Oh! Tsk. Tsk.
Dr. Gallagher.
Why are you
looking at me like that?
You want to do what?
Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.
No.
No, please. Stop.
No, no.
Well...
all right.
Ok.
Let's see.
Now, champagne, flowers,
Sushi, feathers,
Um, sensual oil,
Right,
And incense or...
let's see.
"Sprinkle a light bulb
with your favorite perfume
To sensualize the atmosphere
of your love trap."
Oh, no!
Oh, god. He's here.
Well, this is where we live.
We?
Yeah. Uh, you know,
Me and, uh, the cat bambi.
Just make yourself at home,
All right?
"How to drive a man crazy."
Aah!
Eat me, I'm a cookie!
I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
I didn't know ted had company.
I'm Valerie.
I don't usually
dress like this.
Here comes dr. Love.
All right, robin, a pileup.
Who's your friend?
Shit! Val.
Ted, what are you doing?
Uh, gee, nothing.
Wh-What is
going on here?
You brought her home
to have sex?
You weren't
supposed to be here.
You were going to
have sex without me?
Of course not.
I don't know
what you two had in mind,
But I'm not into kinky scenes.
Bye.
You look incredible.
Honey, she doesn't
mean a thing to me.
If meaningless sex
is what you want,
Why can't you have it with me!
I made a stupid mistake.
I wanted a last fling,
that's all.
You can't expect me
to be more evolved.
Evolved? I'll show
you evolved.
Wait a minute.
No. Now, don't do that.
That's very dangerous.
Cut it... Val, stop it!
Cut it out!
Val, come on!
The neighbors are watching!
Val, open up.
Sweetheart, open the door!
You're wanted
in emergency, dr. Love.
You can't do this to me!
I'm a doctor!
Here! Take these
with you, dr. Love.
And don't come back!
Ted!
Ted!
Ted, where are you going?
Go to bed, Mrs. Merkin!
Mrs. Merkin! Mrs. Merkin!
You're a liar,
and it took me forever
to figure that out
you could switch on a smile
pretend to be tender
but I know now
what you're all about
what a nightmare
my friends thought
you were a dream
you could switch on a smile
and seem so sincere
but you don't even know
what that means
I don't think
you'll ever understand
ooh, did cheating on me
make you feel like a man?
I used to worship
the ground you walk on
I did anything
you wanted me to
I used to worship
the ground you walk on
now I've lost my faith
in you
aah
Sunday mornings I'd wake up
lie in bed
watching you sleep
it was almost religious
how I believed in you
it hurt when you
destroyed my belief
I don't think
you'll ever understand
ooh, did cheatin' on me
make you feel like a man?
I used to worship
the ground you walk on
I did anything
you wanted me to
I used to worship
the ground you walk on
now I've lost my faith
in you
oh, I've lost
my faith in you
I used to worship
the ground you walk on
didn't think
I'd get by without you
now I don't worship
the ground you walk on
and I'm stronger
than I knew
I'm stronger than you knew
Come here, you.
No, doctor.
What about your wife?
She's in a coma.
You're not.
No. Oh.
Mmm. Oh.
John?
Uh! Oh.
You weasel dick!
Hello.
Oh, candy,
The worst thing
in the world happened.
No, bambi's fine.
It's ted.
Yeah. The blonde thing
did not work.
It's the show that shows
the ins and outs
Of the southern California
fitness craze.
Let's face it.
Inner beauty is for losers.
Ooh.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Uh!
Whoa!
Mac!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Aah!
Oh, great.
Oh, this is too good.
There's a giant blow dryer
in my pool.
Oh, shit!
Ted, you're not going to
control my mind
When you're not here.
Ok, just release
all of this negative energy
Out into the universe.
You're just going to
swim right through it.
Oh, teddy bear,
You're back.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
What is this?
What's going on?
This isn't
what it looks like, is it?
Is it? Zis zit?
Oh, my god, it is.
It's a spaceship.
Oh, like things
weren't bad enough,
Now I've been abducted
by a ufo.
You're just going to
do some experiments on me
And let me go like
in the national enquirer.
Right?
Right?
Right? Right?
Ok. Ok.
Just don't take out
anything I'll need later.
Get it over with.
I don't why
you abducted me anyway.
I'm sure you're looking for
somebody more important
Like Nancy Reagan.
I'll tell you where to find her
Because I'm just a manicurist.
I don't know about anything
except nails.
You know, nails.
Nails.
Nails. Nails.
Really. I could
keep my mouth shut.
You could tell me anything.
I'd never tell.
Ask my cousin.
She got her boobs done,
and I never told anyone.
Except I just told you.
Oh, my god.
You're aliens.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Zeebo.
Is that your name...
Zeebo?
Wiploc.
Wiploc. Hi.
Makelsolakveder.
Maybe I'll just
call you Mac. How's that?
Oh, and I'm Valerie.
Valerie.
Walerie. Volare.
You guys aren't
going to hurt me, are you?
Your planet is weird.
We're still in my pool.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh!
Listen, it was really nice
meeting you, fellas,
But I have to go.
Feel free to use the pool,
But you've caught me
at a bad time.
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Did I do that?
I flooded the ship.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm really sorry,
But I'm sure you can
fix it, right?
Don't freak out.
This is just like the time
I dropped my lady Schick
in the toilet.
After it dried out,
it worked fine.
Let's go in my house.
I'll make some lunch,
And I'll get the pool drained.
Then you guys can take off
back to your planet.
Blast off. Pow.
Bye-Bye. Bye-Bye.
comprende?
comprende?
Comprende.
Be careful. This ladder's
a little loose.
Oh, I'm glad
you can breathe ok.
The air quality
is actually very good today.
Careful.
It's kind of wet.
Ok?
Well, uh, come on.
Let's go in the house.
This way.
Those are lemons.
You know,
lemonade, lemon pledge.
Oh. It's ok.
It's a sprinkler.
Earth people are going to
freak out if they see you.
No offense,
But you do look like
wookies or werewolves.
People will want to shoot you,
So just be cool, ok?
Let's go inside.
Come on. Come on.
What's going on
in my horoscope today?
Well, this is my house.
Um... sorry about
the mess.
Make yourselves at home.
Hi. This is
Valerie gale.
Could you send woody
to drain my pool?
Yeah. Right away.
It's an emergency. I...
Wow!
I've never see her
do that before!
What is that,
some kind of love touch?
Oh! Hi. Yeah.
Listen. This is a matter
of life and death.
I lost my contact lens
in the pool...
No. Send woody.
He found it last time.
Hey!
Those are Teds fish!
Thanks.
No. No. No. No.
Not food!
Let's see.
Oh, not much here,
But I didn't expect
I'd have aliens for lunch.
Oh, look.
Low-Cal pop tarts.
These are natural.
Great.
Ok.
We have an entree.
What else?
Uh... instant pudding!
Add water, hmm...
too much work.
Oh, spray-On cheese!
This is great.
You have eggs on your planet?
I could cook those for you.
Uh...
This is wonderful.
Oh, wiploc!
No! No! Not there!
No. Come with me.
Ok. So you go
in there...
No! No!
Come here. No.
You... go in there...
go in there...
yeah...
and then you flush.
Oh, my god!
Woody's here!
Whatever you do,
just stay inside.
Aah!
You are Americans.
You're the product
of the freest...
You're tearing me apart!
You say one thing,
he says another...
A new car!
A new car! Aah!
Take a mind excursion
it's just...
Hey! How's it going?
Hey, woody.
What's that?
Some kind of giant
boogie board?
No. It's my new
pool patio. Bitchin', huh?
Pretty rad.
Whoa!
Shoot the curl, kitty!
Those little guys
love the water.
Listen, Valerie, how come
You want your pool drained?
How come?
I don't know.
You know, the water
just seems really stale.
We've seen a lot of that.
How long will this take?
Uh... about... a day.
Whoa! Check out
the sets.
If I was six inches tall,
I'd be out there now.
They were pumping
like that this morning...
I don't believe this.
No, for real.
I was getting barreled
in this totally cool tube.
I had just sex-Waxed
my board.
Someone shoots his board,
hits me in the head.
This is the worst.
Would have been
the ride of the decade.
What am I supposed to
do until tomorrow?
Waste your brain,
wax your board,
Pray for waves.
Try this.
What'll it be? Hmm
what'll it be?
Hmm
Make me an Alaskan
polar bear heater
On the double.
We'll make
our own music, gorgeous.
You and you stay.
Tubby, rest your thumbs.
I'll drive.
Now watch, baby.
Every move a picture.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Leave a message
when you hear the beep.
Valerie?
Are you there?
Please pick up.
I need to talk to you.
Sorry I was such an asshole.
Val, you've got to
believe this.
I've never ever
been unfaithful to you. Ever.
I'm only guilty
Of a little kissy-Face
with one nurse.
You stopped me
From making a big mistake
last night.
Val, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I'll see you
when I get home. Bye.
Come back to Finland.
Come back to winter
all year round.
Come back
to parkas and goat's cheese.
Finland knows what you want.
Yodel-Aydi, yodel-Aydi,
yodel-Ay-Hee-Hoo!
Yodel-Aydi, yodel-Aydi,
yodel-Aydi, yodel-Aydi,
Hee-Hoo!
Television!
Ok. Well,
we're all set.
Finland is here?
Finland? No.
This is the valley.
Finland is the capital
of Norway.
You learn fast.
Sorry I was such an asshole.
Oh! I see you found
a cable station.
Valerie?
Are you there?
Please pick up.
Did ted call?
I'll be over
right after work tonight.
Ok, honey? Bye.
Oh, my god!
Ted is, like, a trained doctor.
One look at you guys
And he'll know
you're not local.
If I only had
a zillion gallons of Nair.
Nair. Nair.
Nair.
Im a sex pixy
is that ok?
Do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
hey, hey, do do do do
do do do do
da-Do, oh, oh
Candy, whatever you do,
don't freak out.
Valerie!
Promise me
you will not freak out.
Stop! You are
freaking me out!
Um... a ufo landed
in my pool,
And they captured me,
But we made friends,
and I fed them pop tarts.
You've got to cut their hair.
What did you say?
Oh, nothing.
I'm on drugs.
Candy, help them.
Would you listen to yourself?
Valerie, no man is worth
Getting yourself
in this state over.
Mel Gibson, maybe, but not ted!
Valerie, come here.
Just sit down, honey.
Relax.
Have a mental margarita.
Now I'm going to
show you something
That's going to
change your life.
In that case,
let me get a cigarette.
You got little
alien house guests...
let's see them.
Shit, Valerie!
Those are aliens!
I told you.
Oh, god! Oh, shit!
Valerie! Valerie!
Those are...
Those are big...
aliens!
What do they want from us?
What do you want from us?
Did they take control
of your brain?
Oh... i don't
think so.
Can they talk?
What'll it be?
Hmm
I ate all the frusen gladje.
Panty shields
make me feel fresh.
Are they straight?
I don't know.
They're aliens!
This is Mac,
And this is,
uh... zeebo,
And this is wiploc.
Well, they're just darling.
Get them out of here.
They can't leave
until the pool is drained.
If ted finds out
they're aliens,
He'll want to dissect them.
We could make them
look more... human.
I thought you never
wanted to see ted again.
I don't. I just want
to talk to him.
Valerie, this is insane.
They're, like,
throwing up on my stuff!
Come on, candy.
Well, I see split ends
are universal.
Lost in space
with no conditioner, huh?
I think they've
been up there a long time.
Well, it's all dead.
It's got to come off.
Can you do it?
Does Tina turner wear a wig?
That's a wig?
That's a wig.
Great!
I'll get clothes!
If I find one flea,
the deal's off!
Ok, Val, are you ready?
I think they're almost done.
I gave the red one
the blond-Surfer look.
Wow!
Which one is that?
Wiploc.
We are human now!
I don't believe it!
He's even cute!
I know!
Bitchin', huh?
Val, you won't believe this.
Ok...
surprise!
Is that zeebo?
Oh, my god! You're, like, totally black!
Ok...
and... behind
door number three...
this is...
the ultimate!
Wow!
You're incredible.
Well, it was easy.
I started on poodles.
Good?
Real good.
Ok. Ok.
Group picture. Come on.
Come on.
Get down there.
All right...
now say, Velveeta slices.
Sl... Vegakld.
Vel... Salksi.
Ok, you guys,
what's the plan for tonight?
Whoa! Candy,
reality check.
We can't go out.
They're aliens!
So? They can still
be dates!
Do you guys have margaritas
on your planet?
It's not safe.
I'll take you home.
Don't get your panties
in a bunch.
We're with major cute guys.
It's Saturday night!
Come on!
You guys are so lucky
you crashed in the valley.
It's the baddest place
on earth.
Candy, sit down!
Hi, sweets.
I think we'd like to keep
a low profile, candy.
Guys, what you doing later?
I never would have believed
that this could happen.
That you'd be cruising
with shaved Martians?
No. That ted would
do this to me.
Give men enough rope,
they'll dig their own grave.
So true.
He said he wanted
one last fling.
Maybe that's normal,
I don't know.
I'm sure
we'll be happy once we're married,
But I can't pretend
this didn't happen.
Valerie, you work hard
to make ted happy.
Who is making you happy?
Woo!
Woo!
Finland babes!
Yodel-Aydi, yodel-Aydi,
yodel-Ay-Hee-Hoo!
Didn't you go to van Nuys high?
Van Nuys high?
Aren't you
terry Harpers brother?
Terry Harpers brother?
Ha ha ha!
Someone should
hose those girls down!
Want to party?
Come on!
Wiploc!
Look! There they are!
Ok. Don't worry.
I'll go get him.
Me, too.
Me, too, too.
Wait...
It'll only take a minute.
Come on, you guys,
what are you doing?
When I need something
to help me unwind
I find a six-Foot baby
with a one-Track mind
smart guys are nowhere,
they make demands
give me a moron
with talented hands...
Where did you buy those?
They're my dad's.
Those are fabulous.
I know.
... in love
till we're done
then they're
out in the hall
I like 'em big and
stupid
I like 'em big and
real dumb
I like 'em big and
stupid
what kind of guy
does a lot for me?
Superman with a lobotomy
my father's out of Harvard
my brother's out of Yale
but the guy
I took home last night
just got
out of jail...
Valerie! Hi!
Over here!
Candy!
Hi!
Are you nuts?
What are you doing?
Having cocktails.
Alaskan polar bear heater.
Ted is coming home tonight,
And there's a ufo
in my pool. A ufo!
Bfd. Ted won't be there
for a few hours.
Just chill out.
Let's get these guys out
Before anyone realizes
they're aliens.
No one's going to know
they're aliens, ok?
Tanya!
Hi. You know Val,
And this is Mac,
wiploc, and zeebo.
They're from mars
or something! Could you die?
Hey, zeebo, want to dance?
Want to dance?
Great idea.
Wiploc.
Should I dance?
Sure.
Fine. Hey,
party down.
When you're ready
for your chauffeur,
I'll be out on the patio.
What's her problem?
Two weeks?
Whoa!
... 'cause
it was so stupid
the bigger they come,
the harder I fall
in love till we're done
then they're
out in the hall...
Come on.
Let's dance.
Woo!
I like 'em big and
real dumb
I like 'em big and...
He left?
She likes 'em big and
stupid
You, go rest
your thumbs. I'll drive.
You could actually play that?
Valerie, are we limp
and hard to manage?
Oh, no, no.
You're fine.
I'm sorry.
I just don't feel
like talking much.
I figured that
everything would just fall into place
If I found
Mr. Right.
Mr. Right?
Mr. Right is
like the guy you dream of meeting
Ever since you're
a little girl.
You'd go anyplace
or do anything
To be together.
He feels the same way
Because you're right
for each other.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm kidding myself.
Maybe there's no such thing.
Baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
Hey, baby.
Why be with a zero
when you can dance with a hero?
Oh, baby
you got to tell me
where it takes us
you don't care
ooh, yeah
baby, just fix up your hair
it doesn't matter
what you wear to me
get yourself back
in your car
we don't have to go too far
to see
oh, baby
baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
come on, now, hurry
there's always something
we can do
Why be with a hero
when you can dance with a zero?
Don't have to worry
as long as I'm not there
with you
oh, yeah, yeah
baby, just fix up your hair
it doesn't matter
what you wear to me
get yourself back
in your car
we don't have to go too far
Whoa.
Back off, jack!
The lucky lady's with me,
And don't be copping
my dance moves.
I'll dance
with you both. I don't care.
No, no, no.
You don't understand.
He can't dance.
All right. I know
he can't do this.
Baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
shake all night
don't you
want to shake it?
Baby gonna dance all night
come shake it, baby
baby gonna shake all night
shake it, baby
shake it, baby, shake it
dance all night
out on the floor
Come on, man.
Hot damn!
Hot damn!
There's nothing
I'd rather do
right here
while you're mine
being here with you
leaving it all behind, baby
All right!
Hey! Woo!
Baby, just fix up your hair
it doesn't matter
what you wear to me
get yourself back
in your car
we don't have to go too far
to see
oh, baby
baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
baby gonna shake all night
baby gonna shake it right
baby gonna shake so fast
out on the floor
shake all night
Damn!
Baby
I'm going home with him.
I'm going home with him.
Bitch.
I don't even know
what planet you're from.
Jhazalla.
Oh. We've only been
as far as the moon.
You know, at first,
I thought you kind of looked
Like a giant bigfoot
or something,
But now...
if I didn't know you were an alien,
I would just think
that you were a really cute guy
Who, I'm sure,
has a girlfriend.
No Mr. Right girlfriend.
Yodel-Ay-Hee-Hoo!
Oh, my god.
That's wiploc.
Hit me
All right!
Give me your autograph
On my forehead.
Sign these.
Candy, you're frenching
an alien in public!
You ok?
Wiploc.
Wiploc.
I want to be zero.
I want to be zero.
No, no, no.
Candy, uh, I'll call you.
Oh, what was it like?
Oh, my god!
You're so lucky!
Did you get his number?
I want his baby.
Sweetheart?
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
Val?
Honey?
Hey, Val?
What?
Oh, wait a second.
They said the commodore
would stand up to anything.
Ooh!
Beamer?
Beamer.
Astin, where's martin?
Where's Val?
Don't, don't panic.
She probably
wasn't here when...
operator, give me the police.
This is an emergency.
Police?
This is dr. Gallagher.
I'd like to report
a break-In
And...
and a possible kidnaping.
Oh, god.
Ted's here.
You guys, act human, ok?
Just act human.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're all right.
Oh, I was so worried about you.
When I came home,
the house was wrecked.
Who are they?
Who?
Those guys?
Yeah.
A band.
Boy, I'm totally clear.
You mean like
a rock 'n' roll band?
What are you doing
with a band, Val?
I won them on Mtv.
I won an Mtv weekend
with a band.
Hi. I am, uh, Mac.
How is it hanging,
Mr. Dude?
Dr. Dude.
Dr. Dude?
I came home
to talk to you alone.
This is private.
I'm sure you won't mind
when I ask you to leave.
They can't leave.
They're spending the weekend.
This is my house.
Your house? Wait.
I threw you out, dr. Love.
I'm going to throw them out.
What do you think of that?
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I won them.
What?
You're tearing me apart!
You have no business being
with these weird people.
I never won
a band before. They're staying.
I want you to be happy, but...
Yee-Wah.
Ah!
He was good.
You animal!
I ought to give you
a tracheotomy.
That was Mercedes,
my most expensive fish!
Hey, what's going on here?
Break it up.
Hey, hey! Come on!
Break it up.
What are you doing?
Who's
dr. Gallagher?
I'm
dr. Gallagher.
Uh-Huh.
I'm officer demonte.
This is officer Murphy.
You reported
a break-In
And possible kidnapping?
Yes, I did, but she's fine.
However,
these degenerates broke into my home
And destroyed my property.
I want them arrested right now.
They're Mtv scum!
Ma'am, you mind telling us
what's going on here?
This man doesn't
live here anymore,
And he's strangling my guests.
He was eating
my blue-Gilled dorky.
Watch your mouth!
10-13. We got
a false report.
Just a domestic dispute.
His girlfriend
dumped him for a rock band.
Bullshit!
Let's go where
you can cool off.
I'm a doctor!
If we bust your arm,
you can put on your own cast.
Val, I don't know you.
If you thought
I'd spend my life with you,
Your friends, and
that psychotic cat of yours,
You're crazy!
The wedding's off, Val!
Come on, buddy.
You want to dance with a zero?
I'm sorry.
I think I have to
go to my room now.
Is ted coming back?
No. Ted doesn't want
to come back.
I don't know what ted wants,
But it's not me.
What does Valerie want?
I don't know.
I just want to be happy.
Mac could make Valerie happy.
Thanks, but I don't think
Anybody could make me feel
very good right now.
Mac could make Valerie feel
Very, very good.
Wait a minute.
Are you coming on to me?
Is this a pass?
Because if it is,
sex is totally out of the question.
What is sex?
Sex? You know,
making love.
A man and a woman
like each other,
And they take
their clothes off, and...
ok.
Well, no, no, no!
We can't because
me and ted are, uh...
I guess we're not,
but, I mean, uh...
we can't because
you're an alien,
And I'm from the valley.
We may not even be
anatomically correct for each other.
That could be a real problem.
No problem.
But, I mean, uh, no, no, no.
I mean, it just wouldn't work.
You're from out of town.
The phone bills
would just be hell...
shh.
Well, I just don't
want you to think
Earth girls are easy.
What is easy?
This is easy.
Aah!
Ah!
Oh!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I told you not to have fun.
Help!
Ted!
Help!
Uh-Oh.
Uh, don't go anywhere.
I've been paged.
Oh, sweetheart.
Ted.
Ted, make it stop.
Ted.
What happened to my fish?
Ted!
Beamer!
Your face!
What happened?
Ted!
Stop it.
Stop it! Stop it!
Aaah!
Hi.
Hi.
God.
I had the weirdest
dream last night.
All I remember is...
Shh...
You have
the strangest heartbeat.
Sounds like
you have two hearts.
Yes.
Don't you?
No. I just have one.
Tell me about Zimbabwe.
Jhazalla?
Jhazalla.
Is it like earth?
Yes.
It's beautiful.
Sounds neat.
Is driving a ufo a good job?
Oh, yes.
Do you own your own home?
No water.
Come look.
Hi, guys.
Hope instant decaf is ok.
Breakfast is on the way.
I'm making pancakes
from scratch.
Yeah. Valerie, uh...
we can go home now.
Oh.
Gee...
that's great.
Wow.
I didn't think
it would be so soon.
Yeah.
That's, uh, that's really good.
Yeah. Uh, Valerie...
Well, I better go get that.
Pool man!
Hey, dudes, what's happening?
Woody.
What is this?
A spaceship?
Spaceship?
No way, Jos.
What is it?
A car.
That's why she wanted me
to drain it.
She drove her car
into the pool.
I'm always doing that.
Pretty rad car, though.
Where is it made?
Finland.
Finland. Finland.
Oh, I heard of that.
Ted, bringing that girl
here was inexcusable.
Now that I've slept on it,
I could probably forgive you,
But what about
calling off the wedding?
Sweetheart, I didn't mean that.
Marrying you is the most
important thing in the world.
I need you to take care of me.
I won't so much
as look at another woman,
Unless, of course,
I'm giving her
a physical examination.
A relationship is
like a porcelain nail...
You can break it,
you can glue it back together,
But it won't be
as strong as before
Unless the person's
committed and not bringing home nurses.
You should've seen me
today, man.
Nothing but radical rips
all the way in.
You want some slushy?
I was barely off my board
When the wahines
were all over me.
Ew! Wahines!
Wahines.
You know, girls.
Girls?
You know girls?
Does the woodburger know girls?
Pinocchio got a wooden butt?
I could fix you up
with some bodacious chicks
Just like that.
You don't believe me?
Like that.
Come on. Let's hit the beach.
Ride the wild bikinis!
We go get candy?
Candy, gum,
beer nuts, anything you want.
Twizzlers.
I got some milk duds.
You ought to lay off coffee.
It'll kill you in a day.
I will take you to zuma beach.
I need surprises.
I need romance.
How long has it been
Since you said
I love you, I need you,
I'm crazy about you?
Well, ted?
Get in the car, will you?
Wiploc.
Zeebo.
Zeebo going to zuma beach!
Zeebo!
Wiploc!
Hey, dudes,
I just remembered something.
What was it?
At the beach today,
They're having
a blond-Of-The-Month contest.
Blond?
Yeah, you know,
Blond beach bunnies,
Californias finest.
Because I'm blond
I don't have to think
I talk like a baby
and I never pay for drinks
don't have to worry
about getting a man
if I keep this blond
and I keep these tanned
'cause I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
I see people working
it just makes me giggle
'cause I don't have to work
I just have to jiggle
'cause I'm blond,
b-L-O-N-D
'cause I'm a blond
don't you wish
you were me?
I never learned to read
and I never learned to cook
why should I bother
when I look
like I look?
I know lots of people
are smarter than me
but I have this philosophy...
So what?
'cause I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
I see girls without dates
and I feel
so sorry for them
'cause whenever I'm around
all the men ignore them
'cause I'm blond,
nyah, nyah, nyah
'cause I'm a blond,
nyah, nyah, nyah
they say to make it
you need talent
and ambition
well, I got a TV show
and this was my audition
Um, what was it?
Ok, don't tell me.
Oh, yeah, ok.
"Duck, magnum, duck!"
'cause I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
I took an IQ test,
and I flunked it, of course
I can't spell "VW,"
but I got a Porsche
'cause I'm a blond
b-L-O-N-D
'cause I'm a blond
don't you wish
you were me?
I just want to say
that being chosen
as this month's miss august
is, like, a compliment
I'll remember
for as long as I can
right now, I'm a freshman
in my fourth year
at U.C.L.A.
but my goal is
to become a veterinarian
'cause I love children
'cause I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
'cause we're a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
girls think I'm snotty
and maybe it's true
with my hair and body
you would be, too
'cause I'm a blond,
b-L... i don't know
I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
yes, I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
'cause I'm a blond,
yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, dudes.
Dudes, come on.
Snap out of it.
We're making a pit stop.
Bang! Bang!
Hello, Opie.
Bryan, come on over here!
Will you get
in this car right now?
Mom, he's got my gun!
I told you not to tell fibs!
Hey!
Leave home, kid!
Hey, dudes! Listen.
Since I'm springing
for the gas,
You pick up some brews
and some sandwich stuff.
Some brews
and some sandwich stuff.
Yeah. Like
bread and junk.
Ok, dudes?
Ok, dude.
Bread and junk.
Give us bread.
We need junk.
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
I just work here.
I'm an American.
There. Take it.
Take it all.
Where is candy?
Candy? Oh!
Right here.
Take as much as you want.
Thank you.
Thank you too much.
Hey, troops!
Had to drain the lizard!
Be right with you.
What do I owe you?
Get down!
What?
Get down!
I was just held up.
They're out there.
They got guns!
Guns?
My buddies are out there.
Where are they?
That green wreck.
Excuse me.
Could you back up?
I need to get some unleaded.
Back up.
Aah!
That's my wagon!
Back up.
Cosmic
I was having
this out-Of-Body experience
of all these cosmic things
everywhere I went up there
they were shakin'
their cosmic things
like someone gave you
a wild goose
or a freight train
with a loose caboose
you better shake your
honey buns
shake your honey buns...
We are party Martians!
We are Mtv scum!
Shake that cosmic thing
shake that thing
shake it
shake
shake that thing
all night long
shake it fast,
you can't go wrong
don't let it rest
on the president's desk
rock the house
cosmic
woo, cosmic
cosmic, woo...
Hey!
That looks great!
Shake it
cosmic
Hey, guys!
Brunch is ready.
Come and get it.
Hey, Valerie.
It's woody.
Hi.
Listen, you know your friends?
Those Finland guys?
We were heading to the beach...
What? They're gone?
They're with you?
No. They were.
They kind of robbed
the mini mart
When I wasn't lookin',
Then they totaled
the gas station,
Then they ripped off my van!
I'm at the mini mart
down the street.
Toys 'r' us.
That's it?
You seen zeebo and wiploc?
I got water in here.
Maybe that's one of them.
Sure?
Not really.
Good enough for me.
So look...
Uh!
What's going on?
Woody!
What's happening?
I gotta go now, Valerie.
I'm gettin' my butt kicked.
Well, if you plan
to motor west
travel my way
take a highway
that's the best
and get your kicks
on route 66...
Aah!
Well, it winds
from Chicago to I.A.
more than 2,000 miles
all the way
get your kicks
on route 66
Wiploc!
Well, it goes
to St. Louis
down to Missouri
Oklahoma city,
it's oh, so pretty
you'll see
Amarillo
Gallup, New Mexico
flagstaff, Arizona,
don't forget winona
Kingman, Barstow,
San Bernadino
won't you get hip
to this timely tip?
Aah!
Aah!
And you'll take
that California trip
Oh!
Oh!
Get your kicks on route 66
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
Can and will be used...
hey!
Jail isn't so bad.
It's where I learned
how to surf.
He's dead meat.
You hang 10 now.
You've got to believe me.
This is all a misunderstanding.
Sorry.
Then arrest me.
Yeah.
Stay out of this, flipper.
You didn't do anything.
Hey, lady!
Don't do that!
Paramedic unit 104.
We picked up two victims
Fitting the description
Of the mini mart
robbery suspects.
Taking them to
our lady of the valley hospital.
10-13. Copy.
That's Teds hospital.
We have to get there.
Joe...
take us to hospital, please.
Hey, clown,
You're going to the slammer.
We go to slammer first.
Give them that love touch,
Then they'll come on to me.
They'll be putty in my hands.
You want sex with Joe and mike?
No. Just so we
can get away. Do it.
Hey!
How about those Lakers, huh?
What about
those incredible eyes of yours?
What?
They're just this far
From Liz Taylor violet.
Oh, Michael!
Joseph.
Two new patients
in emergency...
Dr. Love.
Its the summer
of love, love, love
I'm in love
with love, love, love
for everyone
transcends here
I'm thinking of you
boy
Bye, you guys.
Thanks for the lift.
I hope things work out.
Bye.
Happy house hunting.
Ciao.
Thank you very much.
They're such a nice couple.
Bye.
Bye.
Totally cool, Tim.
Ride cool rips all the way in.
Great.
You two.
Hi, dr. Dude.
The party's over.
Settle down.
Take us to Valeries house.
You're not setting foot
in my house again.
We're looking for two patients
Who were just admitted.
That's kind of a nasty bump.
Does this hurt?
Aah!
Good.
Let's just have
a listen here, shall we?
Surf's up.
Surf's up.
Leave it alone.
Breathe.
Again.
Wait a second.
Breathe.
Breathe.
It's incredible.
It's amazing.
You each...
have two heartbeats.
Wiploc and zeebo?
What are their last names?
They don't have last names.
They're performers
like... Cher.
Oh!
Yes. They're in
the emergency room
Being examined
by dr. Gallagher.
Oh! He'll
dissect them.
You can't go in there.
Medical personnel only.
We've got to get in there.
I have an idea, but it means
Doing something terrible
to an innocent person.
Let's do it.
Which floor?
Two, please.
I think I'm going to
enjoy this.
Feel this?
It's a gun.
What...
Shut up. Walk.
Come in here.
Help. She's got
a gun.
Take off your uniform.
What?
Take it off!
Quick!
I know you.
You're Teds girlfriend.
Strip.
I don't want any part
of you, ted,
Or your kinky sex trips.
Strip!
She said strip.
The call button.
Push the call button.
Nuh-Uh.
You'll go to prison for this...
excuse me.
For molesting me,
for having a gun...
It's not real.
Your heart...
excuse me, doctor.
This doctor's
here to pick up these patients.
These guys aren't
going anywhere.
I'm admitting them
for observation.
They seem ok to me.
Nurse, listen to their hearts,
And tell me what you hear.
Cover of time magazine
man of the year
yes, I'll be
rich and famous
I'll be on the today show.
Shh, zeebo.
It's me.
He sounds
perfectly normal to me, doctor.
Oh, no.
That's impossible.
They each have
two distinct heartbeats.
Try me, doctor.
Yes.
I could try you.
Thud! Thud! Thud!
Oh, my god!
You, too.
It's my beeper!
No. My beeper's never
done this before.
Get the phone.
What phone, doctor?
Hello?
Doctor, I'm afraid
You must be hearing things.
Yodel-Aydi...
Yodel-Ay-Hee-Hoo!
Is there something
wrong, doctor?
Oh, hello, doctor.
Should I call you
a doctor, doctor?
Make it stop!
I can't stand it.
You guys, you came this close
To being a science project.
Come on.
Ted's car! Follow me.
Quick! Get in quick!
Oh! Oh, god!
Here comes ted!
Hide!
Get down and hide.
Valerie?
Sweetheart, I'm
so glad to see you.
Can we go home?
These last two days
have been hell.
Sweetheart, I actually think
I've been hearing things.
Oh, Val, could you drive?
Please, Valerie.
Ok, ted.
Here.
Get in, honey.
I'm exhausted.
I thought about what you said.
I've decided
to do something impulsive.
Let's go to Vegas tonight
and get married.
Tonight?
What about the church
and my dress?
We can do the big
church wedding later.
Well...
what do you say?
I don't know...
Im just so surprised.
Come on.
You wanted surprises.
Ted.
You got to bring
That one-Piece
night thing,
That, uh, corset
That looks like underwear.
What is it now?
Something old...
oh! These pantyhose
are old.
Something new.
This veil is new.
Dr. Tushman, please.
Hey, Barbara, ted here.
Listen, uh, I need
a really big favor.
I want you to cover my shift
At the hospital tomorrow.
I'm going to Vegas.
Well, I'm going to...
lose a little money,
take in a show,
And get married.
Barbara.
Barbara...
Look, just because
I'm getting married
Doesn't mean we can't date,
all right?
What?
Valerie.
Good-Bye.
Bye.
Nice planet you have here.
Give Tanya my number.
Take care, zeebo.
Aw, wiploc.
I think I'll miss you
least of all.
You got liplock for wiploc?
Valerie...
I don't know the words.
Oh, Mac.
I'm going to miss you so much.
I'll miss you, too.
Sweetheart, I booked
The cave man suite
at cupid's lodge.
What the hell is this?
Ok, ted, they're not a band.
They're from another planet.
Go back in the house.
I'll be in soon.
Oh, my god!
They're aliens.
Aliens!
Got you covered.
It's ok.
Ted. Ted. It's ok.
You're contaminated.
L... I have
to go now.
Ted!
I'll call the police.
Ted...
I gotta go.
Stop it.
Good-Bye, Valerie.
Mac!
It didn't work!
Mac!
I have to tell you something.
I love you!
Take me with you!
To jhazalla?
Anyplace!
I am Mr. Right?
Yes!
Well, uh...
good-Bye, ted.
Um, I guess
it wasn't meant to be,
But, uh, I really
want to thank you
For, um... thanks
for the, uh...
good-Bye, ted.
Mac!
Mac!
Wait, you guys!
You can't leave
without margaritas!
Valerie, what are you doing?
Good-Bye, candy.
I'll miss you.
Well, good luck, val.
Call me.
Happy trails.
Bambi, I never knew.
Wait!
Hey!
Give my love to Finland!
Oh! Oh! Ha ha ha!
People all over the world
join hands
start a love train,
love train
people all over the world
all over the world,
join hands
start a love train
love train, love train
first stop that we'll make
will be England
tell all the folks
in Russia
and china, too
get on board
don't you know
it's time to get on board
time to get on board
let the train
keep on ridin'
ridin' on through
people all over the world
join hands
join your hands
and start a love train
love train
people all over the world
join hands
everybody
get on the love train
love train
all of your brothers
over in Africa
come on now, people
tell all the folks in Egypt
and Israel, too
please don't miss
this train
at the station
'cause if you miss it
I feel sorry, sorry for you
sorry, oh, for you
people all over the world
join hands
start a love train
love train
start a love train
sisters and brothers
join hands
come on
start the love train
get on board
well, yeah
people all over the world
join hands
join your hands
and start a love train
love train
people all over the world
join hands
everybody
get on the love train
love train
hey
first stop that we'll make
will be England
tell all the folks
in Russia
and china, too
get on board
don't you know
it's time to get on board
and let this train
keep on ridin'
ridin' on through
people all over the world
join hands
everybody
and start a love train
join the love train
love train
come on, come on,
come on, come on
join hands
everybody
get on the love train
yeah
get on board
hey
get on board
well, yeah
New York,
are you in the house?
I.A., Are you
in the house?
Motor city,
are you in the house?
Everybody
Miami,
are you in the house?
Start a love train
all over the world
join hands
get on
Atlanta
get on the love train
D.C.
All over the world
join hands
everybody
everybody
get on the love train
get on the love train
people all over the world
join hands
and start a love train,
love train
everybody
people all over the world
come on, come on,
come on, come on
get on the love train
love train
come on, people, now
people all over the world
join hands
and start a love train,
love train
all over the world
people all over the world
join hands
come on, boys and girls,
join the love train
love train
don't need no ticket