[rumbling]
- HI, I'M LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- I'M CHELSEA MORGAN.
- KRISTIN FOX.
- TAYLOR HAWKINS.
- I'M KIMMY.
- ALEX TAYLOR.
- HI.
- DALLAS MITCHELL READING
FOR THE ROLE OF BROOKE.
- I'M JUSTIN,
BUT SOME PEOPLE
CALL ME BRILLIANT.
- AMERICA
- AND FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT DON'T YET,
YOU WILL.
- BE ANYONE,
TELL NO ONE
GET LAID
- TODAY'S THE DAY
THAT I OFFICIALLY REALIZED
THAT MY LIFE SUCKS.
YES, I'M HUNG OVER.
YES, LAST NIGHT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
AND YES, I WOKE UP ALONE AGAIN.
WELL, NOT TOTALLY ALONE.
COME SAY HI, NEWT.
- UH, HI.
- AND RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD BE
GOING ON MY NEXT AUDITION.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME WHY.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE I WON'T GET THE PART.
I NEVER GET THE PART.
AND HONESTLY,
I REALLY DON'T WANT THE PAR
IN THIS SHITTY, LOW-BUDGE INDEPENDENT MOVIE
WITH A BUNCH OF SHITTY
FUCKING WANNABE ACTORS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT?
GO AHEAD, NEWT.
ASK ME.
- WHAT DO YOU
REALLY WANT, JUSTIN?
- TO GET LAID
BY A RIDICULOUSLY HOT CHICK.
- I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
HE WANTS TO SHOO SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY.
BUT HE OFFERED ME TEN BUCKS
AND A CHIPOTLE BURRITO
FOR EVERY DAY I FOLLOW HIM
AROUND WITH MY CAMERA.
- WHAT, DON'T AC LIKE YOU'RE ALL COOL.
YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED.
- THIS IS TRUE.
[dubious guitar chords]
- PROBLEM IS, TYPE OF GIRLS
THAT I WANT TO BANG
DON'T WANT TO BANG ME.
THESE HOLLYWOOD HOTTIES
WANT A GUY WITH POWER.
THEY WANT SOMEONE
WHO CAN CHANGE THEIR LIFE.
AND BY LIFE, I MEAN CAREER.
THE PERFECT HANGOVER CURE.
[angelic choral singing]
THIS DOCUMENTARY IS
ABOUT A GROUP OF DUDES
WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN GET LAID
FOR REAL.
COME ON, NEWT.
LET'S GO GET CHASE.
[music playing]
HEY, ROOMIE.
- GET OUT.
- HE'S LIKE A KITTEN
IN THE MORNING.
I NEED YOU GET OVER JORDAN, MAN.
- I'M OVER HER.
- WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT.
- IT'S REALLY OVER THIS TIME.
- MY ROOMMATE?
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM.
CHASE LOCKWOOD?
HE'S A MAJOR STAR IN CHINA
AND INDIA
FOR SOME "B" HORROR ALIEN FILM
HE DID.
HE MIGHT EVEN BE A BIGGER STAR
IN WEST HOLLYWOOD
FOR STARRING
IN WHAT I LIKE TO CALL
THE BISEXUAL PARODY
OF TWILIGHT.
HE WAS THE "EDWARD."
THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY, BRO.
PEOPLE THAT BREAK UP 17 TIMES
ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- UNDERSTAND WHAT?
- SHE WAS THE BEST SEX EVER.
- YOU KNOW, IT DID SOUND
PRETTY GOOD.
[knocks lightly]
PAPER-THIN.
NOW, CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND,
JORDAN HOLLIDAY,
SHE'S A SMOKING-HOT CHICK.
BUT I'M SURE YOU KNOW THAT,
SEEING AS SHE IS
A HUGE MOVIE STAR.
- SHE'S SO HOT
SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME
TO MAKE
- BUT SHE'S THE BIGGEST BITCH
WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI.
THINK HER EXACT WORDS WERE...
- "I NEED A MAN, NOT A BOY."
- LOVE MY ROOMMATE.
LOVE LIVING IN HIS CONDO.
BUT HE'S TOTALLY
ONE OF THOSE ACTORS.
AND WE'RE STATING
HE'S A MODEL TOO--
NOT FOR ANYTHING GOOD.
[chuckles]
IN FACT, HE MAY BE THE VAINES PERSON IN LOS ANGELES,
COMPLETE WITH
A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX.
- SHE'S SO HOT
SO I'MA TAKE HER HOME
TO MAKE
- IN FACT, IF YOU ASK HIM,
HE'LL TELL YOU
HE INVENTED ZOOLANDER.
- DO I HAVE A ZOOLANDER COMPLEX?
[scoffs]
NO.
BUT I DID COME UP
WITH THE IDEA.
- [chuckling]
- SO I WAS SITTING
IN A STARBUCKS,
AND I WAS TELLING THIS CHICK
THE IDEA,
AND I WAS PROBABLY TALKING
REALLY LOUD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE I WAS EXCITED.
AND I LOOKED OVER,
AND THERE'S FUCKING BEN STILLER
STANDING THERE,
LISTENING TO ME WHILE HE WAITED
FOR HIS COFFEE.
- AND WHAT WAS
BEN STILLER DRINKING?
- AND THEN HE WALKED OU WITH HIS FRAPPUCCINO.
- BUT MY ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE A
VERY VALUABLE ASSET TO THE PLAN.
IF I'M GONNA CAS A FAKE MOVIE,
I'M GONNA NEED A SOMEWHA RECOGNIZABLE ACTOR ATTACHED.
AT LEAST HE HAS CREDITS.
[drum cadence]
I NEED YOU, MAN.
- I NEED GOOD SEX.
- EXACTLY.
I'LL HELP YOU.
NOT BY PLAYING
WITH YOUR PECKER.
- [sighs]
YOU'RE GONNA GET ME JORDAN BACK.
- NO.
I'LL GET YOU SOMEONE HOTTER.
- [scoffs]
NOT POSSIBLE.
- OKAY, SOMEONE EQUALLY AS HOT.
ANOTHER ACTRESS.
YOU COULD MAKE HER JEALOUS.
- I'M LISTENING.
- EVERY AUDITION I GO TO,
THERE'S A LINE OF GIRLS
OUT THE DOOR.
AND THEN WHEN YOU GET INSIDE,
IT'S A BUNCH OF DOUCHE BAGS
HOLDING THE AUDITIONS.
- SO JUSTIN TELLS ME
HE HAS A PLAN.
- THESE GUYS AREN'T EVEN COOL.
THEY DO HAVE THE ATTENTION
OF OVER 100 SMOKING-HOT CHICKS.
- JUSTIN'S A NICE GUY.
HE'S GOT A KIND FACE.
HE'S INSTANTLY LIKEABLE.
BUT IF I HAD TO DESCRIBE HIM
IN A PHRASE,
HE'S ULTRA MEDIUM.
- I MEAN,
I'M A GOOD-LOOKING GUY.
- HE'S NOT GOOD-LOOKING,
BUT HE'S NOT BAD, I GUESS.
- I'M HILARIOUS.
- HE'S NOT FUNNY,
BUT HE'S NOT NOT FUNNY.
- I'VE GOT A JOB.
- HIS JOB SUCKS ASS.
[chuckles]
BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOT ONE.
- SO WHY CAN'T I HAVE
ONE OF THESE GIRLS?
- OH, JUSTIN, OKAY.
I'LL PLAY ALONG
WITH YOUR LITTLE GAME.
- SO CHASE IS IN.
HIM AND I ARE GONNA BE THE LEADS
IN THIS FAKE MOVIE.
BUT NOW WE NEED A CREW.
TIME TO ASSEMBLE THE TEAM
OCEAN'S ELEVEN STYLE.
- I LOVE HOW JUSTIN MAKES
AN OCEAN'S ELEVEN REFERENCE.
HE TOTALLY VIEWS HIMSELF
LIKE GEORGE CLOONEY.
WELL, NEWS FLASH, J BONE.
YOU'RE NO CLOONEY.
[chuckles]
BUT I COULD SEE
HOW HE'D THINK
I'D BE THE BRAD PITT.
[camera shutter clicks]
[upbeat pop punk music]
- WE'RE LIVING HERE
IN HOLLYWOOD
UNDER THE SKIES OF BLUE
- THESE GUYS:
ALSO BRILLIANT.
- WHAT'S UP, BIOTCHES?
WHAT'S UP WITH THE CAMERA?
- TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY
OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
- HELL YEAH, IT IS!
ROSS, WE GOT COMPANY.
- AND A CAMERA?
- AND A CAMERA.
- WHAT'S UP, FELLAS?
- YO.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- SO APPARENTLY,
OUR LIVES ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE.
- OKAY.
- GET THIS.
I WANT TO HOLD A FAKE AUDITION
FOR A FAKE MOVIE
SO THAT WE CAN MEET AND CAS A LOT OF HOT BITCHES.
- I FUCKING LOVE IT.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL
ABOUT IT.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU THINK
WITH YOUR HEAD TOO MUCH, MAN.
USE YOUR COCK AND BALLS
LIKE THE REST OF US.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU GUYS
WOULD COME IN.
YOU'D BE THE WRITERS.
- OF THE FAKE MOVIE?
- EXACTLY.
- GENIUS!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
- SO YOU WANT US TO WRITE
A FAKE SCRIPT?
- WELL, NOT AN ENTIRE SCRIPT.
I DON'T NEED A WHOLE SCREENPLAY,
JUST AN IDEA
AND THEN A FEW SCENES
WE CAN USE
DURING A CASTING SESSION.
ROSS AND AUSTIN,
ALSO KNOWN AS ROSTIN,
JUST GOT DONE WRITING A BOMB-ASS
VAMPIRE WEB SERIES.
THESE GUYS WRITE HOT GIRL PARTS
BETTER THAN ANYONE
I'VE EVER KNOWN.
- YOU DON'T KNOW
ANY OTHER WRITERS, DO YOU?
- NOT AS GOOD AS ROSTIN.
- AW, THANKS, BROSKI.
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S I SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT?
- IT'S UP TO YOU.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE ESSENTIALLY THE BRAINS
BEHIND THIS FAKE PROJECT.
IT JUST NEEDS TO STAR
A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS,
LIKE, FOUR OR FIVE,
BASICALLY ONE FOR EACH OF US.
AND THEY SHOULD BE DESCRIBED
IN DETAIL
TO LOOK LIKE THE GIRLS
OF OUR DREAMS.
- DO WE GET AN IMDB CREDI FOR WRITING A FAKE MOVIE?
- THIS IS FUCKING PHENOMENAL.
EACH ONE OF US WILL,
IN GREAT DETAIL,
WRITE OUT AN AUDITION NOTICE
FOR OUR "PERFECT GIRL."
- IT'S GOT TO BE
A HORROR FILM.
- YES, HORROR FILMS LOVE SLUTS.
- AND THERE'S GOT TO BE
A BIG GROUP OF GIRLS.
- OOH, AND THEY GET LOS
WHILE THEY'RE CAMPING
IN THE WOODS.
- NO, NOT OUT IN THE WOODS.
- MUD WRESTLING TOURNAMENT.
- BE REALISTIC.
- WHAT?
THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.
SLUMBER PARTY.
- JACKPOT.
- BAM.
- THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- YEAH, I COULD STAR IN THAT.
- FIVE GIRLS
HAVING A SLUMBER PARTY
ALL GET BRUTALLY MURDERED
IN A HOUSE OVERNIGHT.
- NOT BAD.
- CHASE AND I PLAY TWO
OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS.
WE SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY.
- I'M GONNA WRITE IN
MY PERFECT GIRL.
- AND I'LL FINALLY WRITE MINE.
- AND WE'RE GONNA WRITE IN
ONE MORE GIRL,
BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA NEED
A HAPPY PRODUCER.
- I'VE NEVER PRODUCED ANYTHING.
- BUT YOU'RE GOOD WITH MONEY.
- BUT THIS ISN'T A REAL MOVIE.
- BUT IT IS A REAL DOCUMENTARY.
- YEAH, I NOTICED THE CAMERA.
WHAT'S UP, NEWT?
- HEY, BEN.
- FOCUS.
- I'M LISTENING.
- ROSS AND AUSTIN
ARE WRITING SCENES
FOR THE FAKE MOVIE.
IT'S CALLED
THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- YEAH, I GET IT.
- SO YOU'RE IN?
- NO.
AND I DON'T THINK GIRLS
WILL BE, EITHER.
- OF COURSE THERE WILL BE.
THIS IS L.A.
THERE'S TONS OF SEXY HOPEFULS
OUT THERE.
- CREATING A FAKE MOVIE
IS NOT GONNA MAKE GIRLS
WANT TO DATE YOU.
- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED?
- HE HAD A POINT.
YOU HAVE A POINT.
- YOU SEE?
- BUT WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
WHEN THEY FIND OU THAT THERE'S NO REAL MOVIE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
STRETCH IT OU AS LONG AS WE CAN.
- HOW LONG IS THAT?
- LONG ENOUGH
FOR A KICKOFF PARTY
AND A TABLE READ.
- HOW DO YOU HAVE A TABLE READ
WITHOUT A SCRIPT?
- MAYBE THAT'S WHERE
IT'LL ALL END, THEN,
AT THE TABLE READ.
WE'LL TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
- IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.
- BUT THE GIRLS
WILL STILL BE HAPPY.
- WHY THE HELL
WOULD THEY STILL BE HAPPY?
- BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY,
THEY WERE ALL ACTRESSES
IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- GIRLS AREN'T GONNA GO
FOR THIS.
HE'LL PROBABLY GET SUED.
I'M IN.
- PRAISE JESUS.
I'VE KNOWN BEN
SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
THE FIRST TIME I FINGERED A GIRL
WAS AT HIS
EIGHTH GRADE BIRTHDAY PARTY.
HE'S A COOL GUY,
BUT HE'S NEVER HAD MUCH LUCK
WITH THE LADIES.
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S ANAL,
AND HE USED TO BE
AN ADVERTISING DORK.
BUT NOW THAT HE'S LAID OFF,
HE SHOULD BE A MOVIE PRODUCER.
I BET HIS RATIO OF PUSSY
TO PUSSYLESS NIGHTS
WOULD CHANGE DRASTICALLY.
- BUT WE'RE GONNA MAKE
ALL THE GIRLS SIGN SOMETHING.
- HE'S A SMART GUY.
I KNEW HE WAS A NO-BRAINER.
LIKE WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
SOME KIND OF RELEASE FORM.
YOU CAN'T PUT GIRLS
IN A DOCUMENTARY
WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT.
AND YOU CAN'T PUT ME
IN IT, EITHER.
clang!
[funky rock music]
- HE'S SUPER SUCCESSFUL.
HE OWNS A COMPANY.
- WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT KIND OF COMPANY?
- I DON'T KNOW,
BUT HE'S GOT THE BEST POT.
- FANTASTIC.
- BUT HE HAS PRODUCED
A MOVIE BEFORE, RIGHT?
- YEAH, AND THE LADIES LOVE HIM.
- FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE
- OH, WHY, THANK YOU, BAMBI.
- SURE THING, BIG J.
[smooches]
- AIN'T SHE A PEACH?
- SHE'S NOT UGLY.
- AND IF YOU LIKE BRUNETTES...
HEY, ARIEL!
SAY HI TO THE BOYS.
- HI, BOYS.
boing!
- I WONDER IF JOHNSON
NEEDS A POOL BOY.
- A FAKE CASTING SESSION, HUH?
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS
LIKE A FUN IDEA.
- SO YOU'RE IN?
- [laughing]
WHOA.
I DON'T NEED
ANY MORE HOT CHICKS.
- HE DOESN'T.
EVERYONE THAT KNOWS JOHNSON
LOVES JOHNSON,
AND JOHNSON KNOWS
A LOT OF PEOPLE.
HE'S KIND OF LIKE
THE HUGH HEFNER OF THE 818.
- SO WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME
AS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER?
- JUST YOUR NAME.
- AND MAYBE YOUR PLACE
FOR A KILLER KICKOFF PARTY.
- THAT KID WAS SO PATHETIC.
I JUST COULDN'T TELL HIM NO.
PLUS I LIKE CHASE.
HE'S MY BOY.
AND HE HELPED ME
MAKE A LOT OF MONEY TOO.
- YOU ROCK, DUDE.
- I KNOW.
I'M BEST AT PRODUCING SMILES.
[hip-hop music]
- WE'VE GOT ALMOST EVERYONE
WE NEED.
- BUT WE STILL NEED
TO FIGURE OUT SOME LOGISTICS.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE WHERE ARE WE GONNA SHOO MOST OF THIS,
WHERE ARE WE GONNA
HOLD AUDITIONS,
WHO'S GONNA DIRECT IT?
- OH, YEAH.
WE TOTALLY NEED A DIRECTOR.
- CAN NEWT JUST DIRECT IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
CAN YOU, NEWT?
- I'D RATHER NOT.
- YOU KNOW ANY GOOD DIRECTORS?
- [chuckles]
NOT GOOD DIRECTORS.
- YEAH, YOU SHOULD SEE
SOME OF HIS MOVIES.
- WHAT?
I GOT SOME AWESOME FANS.
- FOR SOME REASON, CHASE
FORWARDS ME HIS FAN E-MAILS.
THEY'RE USUALLY FROM DUDES
OR INDIANS,
NOT THE FEATHER KIND,
THE ONES WITH DOTS.
- AND YOU'VE NEVER WORKED
AS AN ACTOR IN THIS TOWN,
SO YOU DON'T KNOW ANY DIRECTORS.
- ACTUALLY, I DID THIS ONE PLAY.
- OH, YEAH.
THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
- THE DIRECTOR, PARKER,
HE'S KIND OF CRAZY.
- CRAZY GOOD LIKE AN ARTIS OR CRAZY BAD?
- CRAZY LIKE
HE YELLED IN MY FACE.
- WHAT'D HE SAY?
- "YOU'RE FIRED."
- YEAH, HE FIRED ME.
- OH, SO THIS GUY MIGHT ACTUALLY
KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
- EVERY NOW AND THEN,
BEN'S A REAL DICK.
I MEAN, I GUESS
WE COULD ASK HIM.
HE IS SCARY AND MOODY, THOUGH,
BUT HE DOES HAVE A NICE THEATER.
I THINK HE LIVES THERE.
- PERFECT.
- ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WELL,
I GOT TO BOUNCE.
I GOT LUNCH WITH RIHANNA,
SO PEACE.
- IS THAT TRUE?
- WHO KNOWS?
WELL, LET'S HEAD OVER
TO THE THEATER AND ASK HIM.
- WHEN HE SEES THE SWARM
OF ATTRACTIVE WOMEN
HE'LL GET TO DIRECT,
I'M SURE HE'LL DO IT.
- NO FUCKING WAY.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU.
- ALL I DID WAS IMPROV
ONE EXTRA LINE.
- AND IT RUINED THE PERFEC COMEDIC TIMING
THAT I HAD MASTERMINDED.
- I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.
AND SECONDLY,
I DON'T EVEN LIKE WOMEN.
- YOU DON'T?
- YOU DON'T?
- NO, THEY'RE ANNOYING,
AND THEY DON'T HAVE A PENIS.
- WOW.
I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE GAY.
- NO ONE KNOWS.
I'M COOL LIKE THAT.
- WHAT IF WE ADDED
A GAY CHARACTER?
- WE CAN'T DO THAT.
- WHY NOT?
- YEAH, WHY NOT?
- I MEAN, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
ABOUT A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS
GETTING SLAUGHTERED
AT A SLUMBER PARTY.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE THE KILLER A GAY GUY?
- I GUESS WE COULD TALK
TO ROSTIN ABOUT IT.
- AND I WANT TO KISS
A BUNCH OF STRAIGHT GUYS
AT THESE FAKE AUDITIONS.
- WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY IRONED OU ALL THE DETAILS YET.
- AND I WANT AN ASSISTANT.
I REMEMBER JUSTIN
HAD A REALLY CUTE FRIEND
THAT CAME TO SEE HIS PLAY
LAST YEAR,
GOT WASTED WITH US AFTER.
- ASSISTANT?
- YES.
I WANT A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
- YOU KNOW THIS ISN' A REAL MOVIE
YOU'RE DIRECTING, RIGHT?
- DO YOU WANT TO USE MY NAME,
MY CREDITS, MY THEATER?
- YEAH.
- THEN OBEY MY COMMANDS.
THAT'S HOW I DO IT.
WHO WAS YOUR FRIEND
THAT CAME OUT WITH US
AFTER OPENING NIGHT?
HE WAS AN ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
- RYAN?
- RYAN.
THAT'S IT.
BINGO.
- SO IF WE GET YOU
A MALE CHARACTER
AND RYAN COMES ON BOARD
AS YOUR ASSISTANT DIRECTOR--
- PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
- WHATEVER.
YOU'LL COME ON BOARD?
- I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
- SO YOU WANT ME
TO BE THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
OF A FILM
THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY MAKING.
- PRECISELY.
- COOL.
I'M DOWN.
- HEY, BOYS.
I DON'T THINK WE'VE MET.
- HEY, I'M BEN.
- COOL.
I'M KATIE.
- NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SO WHAT YOU GUYS DOING?
- WE'RE MAKING A MOVIE.
- YAY!
CAN I BE IN IT?
- OH, IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN I HAD
THIS BRILLIANT THOUGHT.
- BEN ALWAYS THINKS
HIS THOUGHTS ARE BRILLIANT.
- WHAT IF WE BROUGHT KATIE
ON BOARD TOO,
YOU KNOW, FOR SAFEKEEPING?
- SAFEKEEPING?
- AS PRODUCER,
I'M ALWAYS LOOKING OU FOR OUR BEST INTERESTS,
AND WE DO RUN THE RISK
OF INSULTING THE FEMININE RACE,
SO HAVING A FEMALE ON BOARD
WOULD CERTAINLY LESSEN THE BLOW.
- SOMETIMES HE IS ACTUALLY
KIND OF SMART.
- SHE COULD BE
OUR BRIDGE KEEPER,
A GATEWAY, IF YOU WILL,
TO THE OTHER WORLD
WE KNOW AS WOMEN.
- I LIKE IT.
- I LOVE IT.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE
A CASTING DIRECTOR YET?
both: WE DO NOW!
[upbeat rock music]
- WE'RE A FEW SHORT OF 11,
BUT PRETTY SOLID CREW,
IF I DON'T SAY SO MYSELF.
- I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TANNING.
- AND THE FAKE LITTLE MOVIE
SPROUTED LEGS.
- FUCK YEAH, IT HAS!
- IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
- WE'RE NOT REALLY CAPABLE
OF WRITING UTTER SHIT.
- IT ALL CENTERS
AROUND FIVE GIRLS...
- HOT SLUTS.
- WHO ARE ENJOYING
A SLUMBER PARTY...
- UNTIL A MONSTER COMES ALONG
AND RIPS
THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF!
- EH, SOMETHING ALONG
THOSE LINES.
- I THOUGH I WAS PLAYING THE LEAD.
- IT'S NOT A REAL MOVIE.
HAS ANYONE TOLD CHASE YET?
- BUT I'M IN IT, RIGHT?
- SO WE ADDED CHASE LOCKWOOD IN
AS THE LEAD GIRL'S BOYFRIEND.
HE COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY!
- CAN I HAVE BRASS KNUCKLES?
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE
FAKE ACTORS IN THE FAKE MOVIE.
- AND JUSTIN WAS BEING SUCH
A LITTLE BITCH ABOUT EVERYTHING,
SO WE TOLD HIM HE COULD PLAY
CHASE'S BEST FRIEND.
- WE SHOULD BE BROTHERS.
- NOPE.
- VAMPIRES?
- NOPE.
- SUPERMODELS?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP, JUSTIN.
- OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT THE GAY CHARACTER?
I FORGOT TO TELL THEM
WE NEED TO WRITE IN
A GAY CHARACTER FOR PARKER.
- I DON'T WRITE HOMOS...
ANYMORE.
- WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE
AT THIS POINT.
- SO I AGREED.
THE FIERCE MONSTER
TURNED INTO A FIERCE GAY GUY.
- MOTIVE, GUYS?
- ONE OF THE GIRLS
SAW HER BOYFRIEND
KISSING ANOTHER GUY,
AND THAT MADE HER REALLY UPSET.
- SO UPSET THAT SHE HAD
TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER
WITH ALL OF HER BEST FRIENDS
AND ONLY WEAR LINGERIE.
- AND SINCE THE BOYFRIEND
WASN'T READY
TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSE JUST YET,
HE OBVIOUSLY HAD TO KILL
ALL OF THE GIRLS
BEFORE HIS SECRE SPREAD TOO FAR.
- SO MY CHARACTER GETS KILLED
BY AN ANGRY GAY GUY?
both: YES.
- FUCK.
- LONG LIVE
THE ANGRY GAY GUY!
I'M IN.
[upbeat rock music]
- IT'S TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW
SO TURN IT UP,
AND MAKE IT LOUD
IT'S THE CROWD
IF YOU LET THEM SEE
IT'S NOT FOR YOU
OR YOU OR YOU
IT'S FOR ME
IT'S FOR ME
IT'S FOR ME
IT'S FOR ME
IT'S TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW
- HERE'S WHERE THE FUN BEGINS.
SO THE NAME OF THE MOVIE
IS THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS
ON THEIR PERIOD.
- OKAY.
AND I NEED EACH ONE OF YOU GUYS
TO SEND ME
A DETAILED DESCRIPTION
OF THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS.
THAT WAY,
WE CAN SEND IT TO KATIE
AND GET A LITTLE
CASTING NOTICE UP.
- BIG TITS.
- I SECOND THAT.
- [scoffs]
GREAT, GUYS.
- GROSS.
THE ONLY THING TATAS DO FOR ME
IS REMIND ME
OF WHEN I DRANK
MY MOTHER'S MILK.
- SERIOUSLY, GUYS.
THERE'S FIVE GIRLS
BEING CAST, RIGHT?
- YES.
- RIGHT.
- SO THAT'S ONE FOR EACH OF US,
AND THEY CAN LOOK LIKE
AND BE LIKE WHATEVER WE WANT.
- YES, PARKER?
- AND AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
THERE'S TO BE ONE BOY?
- TWO, ACTUALLY.
- WHY TWO?
- WELL, IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TWO DUDES KISS,
WE'VE GOT TO CAST THEM BOTH.
- NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY.
WE CAN JUST CAST THE ONE.
I'LL MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE.
- WHY IS THAT PARKER GUY
ALWAYS STARING AT ME?
- GUYS, FOCUS.
I KNOW THIS PLAN WILL WORK,
BUT IF WE'RE GONNA GET LAID,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE
THIS CASTING NOTICE SERIOUSLY.
- SO ONE BY ONE,
THE BOYS DESCRIBED TO ME
THEIR PERFECT GIRL.
- AHEM.
- AND BOY.
- A GOOD GIRL-NEXT-DOOR TYPE,
PREFERABLY BRUNETTE,
GOOD SMILE,
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR,
AND A LITTLE QUIRKY,
HAS BOOBS,
AND ISN'T CRAZY.
- YOU KNOW, BLONDE OR BRUNETTE,
DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
SHE HAS TO BE A BOMBSHELL,
THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY,
AND SHE HAS TO TOLERATE THIS KID
THAT'S IN A MAN'S BODY.
OH, AND SHE HAS TO LIKE
ANAL PLAY.
- BRUNETTE.
PETITE.
SLENDER TO MILDLY ATHLETIC.
GORGEOUS FACE.
GREAT SMILE.
SWEET ASS.
SMALL BUT WITH SOME POP.
IT JUST SHOULD FIT PERFECTLY
IN MY HAND.
I'M AN ASS GUY.
LOVE ASS.
NOT SO MUCH FOR TITS,
BUT ASS.
- I WANT TO DATE
THE PERFECT BLONDE,
THE KIND WHOSE LOOKS AND SMILES
LIGHTS UP A ROOM,
ABOUT 5'2" TO 5'7"
WITH LOTS OF POSITIVE ENERGY.
TOTALLY COOL, THOUGH,
IF SHE HAS DADDY ISSUES
OR IS A LITTLE UNSTABLE.
MAKES HER EASIER TO MANIPULATE.
- [sighs]
THE PERFECT GUY.
SO TOUGH TO DESCRIBE.
PREPPY TO JOCKISH.
AROUND 25.
MUSCULAR.
NO, NO, NOT MUSCULAR.
WELL-TONED.
JUST NOT CHUNKY.
FUCK CHUNKY.
- I BET I ALREADY KNOW
WHAT CHASE WILL SAY.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
- I LIKE A CHICK WHO'S...
- BLOND...
- BLOND...
- NICE LIPS...
- SEXY LIPS...
- TAN...
- FAKE TAN.
WELL, IT DOESN' HAVE TO BE FAKE.
JUST TAN, I GUESS.
- AND BIG BOOBS.
- AND BIG, BEAUTIFUL
FUCKING TITTIES.
- WELL, THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE.
- OKAY, MAYBE THIS
IS AN OUTSIDE OPINION,
BUT DID YOU GUYS EVER THINK
THAT DOING ALL THIS
COULD BE, UM,
WRONG?
OKAY, THEN.
- WELL, I'D BE FLATTERED
IF I WERE CHOSEN.
- THANK YOU, KATIE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
- UH, I DID NOTICE
ONE POSSIBLE LITTLE PROBLEM
THAT WE MIGHT BE FACING, THOUGH.
- WHAT?
- WELL, NOBODY DESCRIBED
A, UM--UM--
- A WHAT?
- AN ETHNIC GIRL.
- YOU'VE GOT TO BE
FUCKING KIDDING ME.
- HE'S GOT A GOOD ARGUMENT.
- BUT WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?
- WELL, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO THINK WE'RE RACIST.
- WHO'S GONNA THINK THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
ANYONE WHO LOOKS
AT THE CASTING NOTICE
OR DISTRIBUTORS ONE DAY.
I MEAN, WE ARE PLANNING
TO MARKET AND SELL THIS
AS A DOCUMENTARY EVENTUALLY,
RIGHT?
- HE HAS A POINT.
- THANK YOU, NEWT.
- NO, SHUT UP, NEWT!
JUST HOLD THE CAMERA,
AND HOLD THE RED BUTTON
WHEN I TELL YOU TO!
- SOMETIMES I THINK
JUSTIN FORGETS
WHO'S HOLDING THE CAMERA.
- I SEE WHERE
YOU'RE COMING FROM,
BUT THIS PROJECT IS ABOUT US
GETTING EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT.
I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO WORRY
ABOUT CATERING
TO ALL DIFFERENT COLORS
AND KINDS OF PEOPLE.
I MEAN, UNLESS ONE OF YOU GUYS
WANTS TO PICK SOMEONE
WHO ISN'T WHITE.
- YEAH.
SURE, WHY NOT?
I'LL BITE THE BULLET.
- WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY
KIND OF YOU.
BITE THE BULLET?
WE'RE TRYING TO BE
AS POLITICALLY CORREC
AND CONSIDERATE AS POSSIBLE
IN THIS PROJECT.
- I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO BANG AN ASIAN CHICK.
- AND MARK ME DOWN
FOR OPEN ETHNICITY.
- OKAY, SO IT'S SETTLED.
KATIE, YOU HAVE ALL THE NOTES?
- RIGHT HERE.
- PERFECT.
TONIGHT YOU, ME, AND BEN
WILL POST THE CASTING NOTICE
ON THE BREAKDOWN SITE.
PROBABLY CAN GE OVER 1,000 SUBMISSIONS.
- MAYBE 1 MILLION.
- DOUBTFUL.
- YOU GONNA SAY I'M STARRING
IN THIS THING, RIGHT?
- YES, SIR.
- MILLI.
- WE'LL CALL IN ALL THE GIRLS
THAT ARE SEVEN AND ABOVE.
AUDITIONS WILL BE NEXT WEEK.
ANY FINAL QUESTIONS?
- BUT WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY
GONNA MAKE THE MOVIE, RIGHT?
- LET'S MEET TONIGH IF YOU WANT TO
YOU BRING THE GIRLS
I'LL BRING MY CREW
YEAH, YEAH
WE'LL GET IT FEELING RIGHT
[upbeat pop punk music]
ROCK ME TONIGH IF YOU FEEL SO
NO INHIBITIONS,
JUST LET GO
YEAH
- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD PUT ME
AS A PRODUCER AS WELL.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE IT'S POWER.
BE A LOT EASIER
FOR ME TO GET LAID
IF I'M A PRODUCER AND NOT JUS AN ACTOR WITH A SAY IN CASTING.
- BUT I THOUGHT I WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE THE PRODUCER.
- WE COULD BOTH BE PRODUCERS.
- OKAY, WHICH ONE IS IT,
ONE OR TWO?
- TWO.
- WAIT.
- WHAT?
- HOW ABOUT IF I'M THE PRODUCER
AND YOU'RE, LIKE,
A COPRODUCER?
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
- I'VE BEEN DOING MY HOMEWORK
AND RESEARCHING
A VARIETY OF JOB TITLES
IN THIS INDUSTRY,
AND I FOUND THAT PRODUCER
IS SORT OF LIKE A HEAD HONCHO.
I USED TO THINK
IT WAS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,
BUT THAT'S MORE OF A MONEY GUY,
AND COPRODUCER
IS CERTAINLY A STEP BELOW.
I WANT TO BE
THE ONLY PRODUCER ON THIS THING
IF I'M ACTUALLY
GONNA PRODUCE IT.
IT'S A POWER AND CONTROL
KIND OF THING.
I'M GOOD AT HAVING BOTH.
- FINE.
MAKE ME COPRODUCER.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE SUCH
A RETARD SOMETIMES.
- OKAY, AND JOHNSON
IS EXEC, RIGHT?
- YES.
- OKAY.
NOW WE'RE INTO THE STORY
AND THE CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS.
- HEY, HEY
BABY, I KNOW
YOU WANT TO PARTY NOW
WE GOT IT GOING,
CAN'T SHUT US DOWN
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU SAY,
"OOH, BABY, I LIKE IT," YEAH
BABY, I KNOW YOU WAN TO PARTY NOW
- OKAY, GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M A LITTLE OFFENDED.
I MEAN, YOU HAVE TWO BLONDES
AND TWO BRUNETTES,
NO REDHEADS.
- OH, NO.
NOT THE ETHNIC CARD AGAIN.
- OH, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE GOOD
NOT TO HAVE, LIKE, TWO BLONDES.
I MEAN, A LITTLE DIVERSITY
IS ALWAYS NICE.
- YOU WANT TO GIVE UP
YOUR BLONDE?
- FUCK NO.
- MAYBE CHASE WILL.
- HEY, CHASE, YOU WANT TO DATE
A REDHEAD INSTEAD?
- UH, YEAH, SURE.
WHATEVER.
- I FIGURE WHEN
IT COMES DOWN TO IT,
HE DOESN'T REALLY CARE.
- REDHEAD, BLONDE,
I DON'T REALLY CARE.
BESIDES, IF I LIKE
JUSTIN'S BLONDE CHICK BETTER,
I'M JUST GONNA STEAL HER
FROM HIM ANYWAYS.
- AND THAT SHOULD DO IT.
- HEY, HOW COME
I DON'T GET A GIRL?
- YOU NEVER SAID YOU WANTED ONE.
- WHY WOULDN'T I?
- WE CAN ADD IN
ONE MORE CHARACTER, CAN'T WE?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
THEN ROSS AND AUSTIN WOULD
HAVE TO CHANGE THE WHOLE STORY.
- BUT IT'S NOT A REAL STORY.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
WE COULD ADD IN ONE MORE GIRL
BUT NOT ACTUALLY CAST HER.
COOL?
- I GUESS.
- OKAY, NEWT, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
- BIG-BOTTOM GIRLS.
- REALLY?
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
- IT'S TRUE.
- I WON'T ASK.
AND OFF IT GOES.
- AND SO IT BEGINS.
[bombastic drum music]
- WELL, THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
- THAT WAS SOME FUN SHIT.
- I JUST SPENT THE LAST WEEK
IN A ROOM FULL OF BOYS
LOOKING AT LITERALLY THOUSANDS
OF FEMALE PICTURES AND RESUMES.
- I THINK I COULD
GET INTO CASTING.
- BUT INSTEAD OF CALLING IN
- I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE
CALLED IN AT LEAST 100.
- I HELPED THEM NARROW IT DOWN
TO JUST THE CREAM OF THE CROP
SO WE COULD ACTUALLY
GET THROUGH THESE AUDITIONS.
- AND I'M ONLY LETTING THEM
USE THE THEATER FOR ONE DAY.
[drum cadence]
- YOU BOYS READY?
- BRING THEM IN.
- LOT OF ANTICIPATION
FOR TODAY.
WE GOT TO ORGANIZE
TO RUN LIKE CLOCKWORK.
- SO WE'RE STARTING WITH ME.
MY GIRLS ARE COMING IN
TO READ FOR THE ROLE OF "ABBY,"
THE ULTRA-SLUTTY
HOT ASIAN WHORE.
OH, YEAH.
[clicks tongue]
- GUYS, UP FIRST,
THIS IS AMBER.
all: HI, AMBER.
- HI.
- I'LL BE READING WITH YOU,
SO WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
- OKAY.
I BROUGHT A SURPRISE FOR JENNY.
- WHAT?
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS!
- NO ONE SAID THE SCRIP WAS AWARD-WORTHY.
- WHAT?
WHY?
THIS ISN'T A BACHELORETTE PARTY.
- WELL, SHE NEEDS
TO GET HER MIND OFF IT SOMEHOW.
- WE WEREN'T SHOOTING
FOR AN OSCAR HERE.
- TRUST ME, RACHEL.
ONCE YOU TURN THIS THING ON
AND STICK IT UP YOUR VAG,
YOU'LL BE HOOKED.
- SHE WAS CUTE.
I'D FUCK HER BUT ONLY
IF SHE CAME INTO MY ROOM
AND I DIDN' HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.
- SHE WASN'T BAD.
- YOU CAN HAVE HER, THEN.
- HI, EVERYBODY.
[whistles blowing,
cow bell dings]
[baby coos]
- NOW WE'RE TALKING.
- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
YOU'LL BE READING WITH ME.
- WHO WROTE THIS?
- I DID. I DID.
- WE DID, ACTUALLY.
- IT IS SO GOOD.
YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME.
- WELL, I TRIED.
- WE TRIED.
- WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
- SHE WAS GOOD
AT STROKING THE EGO.
I WONDER IF SHE WAS GOOD
AT STROKING AT STROKING MY...
- WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS?
[gasps]
- I'M GONNA GUESS YES.
- O.M.G.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD?
- HEARD WHAT?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS, LIKE,
[whispering] GAY.
- SHUT UP.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHE TOLD ME SHE SAW HIM KISS
ANOTHER GUY.
THAT'S WHY LOLA IS, LIKE,
THROWING HER THIS SLUMBER PARTY.
SHE IS SO UPSET.
- THAT'S AWFUL.
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
BUT THESE LITTLE BAD BOYS
WILL DO THE TRICK.
- THANKS.
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
- NO.
THANK YOU.
- SHE DESERVES AN AWARD...
- FOR THE BEST CLEAVAGE EVER.
- SHE MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT.
- DOES IT MATTER
THAT SHE CAN'T ACT?
- DOES IT MATTER?
IF SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT,
SHE CAN ACT HOWEVER SHE WANTS.
- WE AREN'T CASTING
FOR THEIR TALENT.
- NEXT, PLEASE.
- GUYS, THIS IS CANDACE.
- CANDACE SCHMANDACE.
SHE WAS TOO EAGER.
- HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
- STOP BEING PATHETIC.
- NO, YOU HAVE
A WONDERFUL DAY.
[giggles]
- AND THEN CAME THE TRIPPER.
- OOPS.
[chuckles]
SORRY.
- NOTHING IS MORE ATTRACTIVE
THAN A GIRL
WHO CAN'T WALK GOOD...
- OR A GUY WHO CAN'T SPEAK WELL.
- I'M SO EMBARRASSED.
[laughs]
GUESS I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- YOU THINK?
NEXT.
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- WELL, WASN'T THAT LOVELY?
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A FEW
OF THOSE HEAD SHOTS HOME
WITH ME TONIGHT.
- THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY
OF MY LIFE.
- IT'S MY TURN.
PRESSURE'S ON.
LOOK, HERE'S THE THING.
MY PERFECT GIRL PROBABLY
WOULDN'T EVEN BE AN ACTRESS,
AND IF SHE WAS, SHE'D
CONSIDER HERSELF AN ARTIST,
NOT AN ACTRESS.
- I THINK ROSS MIGHT BE GAY.
- I'M SURE LOTS OF GUYS SAY IT,
BUT BRAINS REALLY ARE JUS AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS BEAUTY.
- HI.
I'M BELLA MICHAELS.
- ME LIKEY.
- OH, BOY.
NOW I GET TO READ
THE OTHER ROLE.
A WHOLE BAG OF DILDOS.
- WHAT?
WHY?
THIS IS NO A BACHELORETTE PARTY.
- SHE NEEDS TO GET HER MIND
OFF IT SOMEHOW.
- OFF WHAT?
- ME GUSTA.
- I'VE NEVER USED ONE BEFORE.
- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH.
THEY FRIGHTEN ME.
- [whispering]
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- THAT'S AWFUL.
- THIS IS HARD.
SO IS THAT.
- THANKS SO MUCH, GUYS.
- WOW.
I MEAN, WHOA.
THEY WERE ALL REALLY GOOD.
- SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH.
YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK SO?
- YOU CAN'T FALL FOR EVERY GIRL
THAT WALKS INTO THE ROOM TODAY.
- WHO'S FALLING?
I'M JUST COMMENTING.
- NO, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
STEP IT UP A NOTCH, BITCH.
THIS IS THE TIME
TO BE EXTRA CRITICAL.
- I AM.
I'M JUST SAYING.
THAT LAST ONE, ESPECIALLY.
SHE HAD GREAT CHEMISTRY.
MAYBE NOT WITH ME BUT, LIKE,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE WHOLE ROOM
AND WITH KATIE.
KATIE'S ACTUALLY DOING
A REALLY NICE JOB TODAY.
- OH, OH, OH,
OOH-WHOA
- AND WE'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE A COOL GIRL
LIKE HER WORKING WITH US.
- GENTLEMEN, THIS IS BRITTANY.
- SHE LOOKS FAMILIAR.
- I DON'T KNOW.
- TRUST ME, RACHEL.
ONCE YOU STICK THIS UP YOUR VAG,
YOU'LL BE HOOKED.
- OH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M GETTING WE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
- UM, WHAT?
- I'M IMPROVISING.
JUST KEEP GOING.
- UH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- I BET IT IS.
IT LOOKS SO BIG AND SO HARD.
- YUP, IT'S VERY HARD.
- LIKE A ROCK.
[moans]
ROCK-HARD.
I LOVE A BIG, ROCK-HARD
FAKE PENIS IN MY HAND.
[moaning]
- WHO DOESN'T?
- PLEASE DON'T STOP.
- YOU CAN STOP NOW.
- DAMN IT!
- WELL, THAT WAS INTERESTING.
- WHAT'S ON HER RESUME?
- YEAH, I THINK
SHE'S A PORN STAR.
- I KNEW IT.
- HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- SHE WAS A LEAD
IN FUCK MY BUTT 3, 4, AND 5.
- NOT EXACTLY MY TYPE.
- THIS IS MARGO.
- DOES SHE EVEN WAN TO BE HERE?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS GAY.
- WHAT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I SAID, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- THIS GIRL COULD KICK MY ASS.
- AND THIS IS ALEX.
[touching piano music]
- WOW.
- HEARD WHAT?
- HER BOYFRIEND IS GAY.
- SHUT UP.
- NO, YOU SHUT UP.
HOLY HOT GIRL!
- DAMN.
- OKAY, NOW, I CAN REALLY
SEE MYSELF
WITH THIS GIRL.
- YEAH, THEY FRIGHTEN ME.
- SUCH A SWEETHEART.
- TOTALLY A SWEETHEART.
- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
- ALABAMA.
- I THOUGHT I HEARD
A LITTLE TWANG IN THERE.
- YOU SURE DID.
YOU CAN'T HIDE
THAT CUTENESS ANYWHERE.
- OH, YOU BOYS ARE SO SWEET.
- AND THAT WAS A VERY NICE READ.
YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED.
- [blows raspberry]
- STOP.
Y'ALL ARE GONNA MAKE ME BLUSH.
- WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE ANY
OF THAT IN HERE,
NOW, CAN WE?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THIS IS A BLUSH-FREE ROOM.
A BLUSH-FREE ROOM?
- THE SHIT THAT FALLS OU OF THAT GUY'S MOUTH SOMETIMES,
I SWEAR.
- YOU GUYS ARE MAKING MY DAY.
I WAS HAVING
SUCH A TERRIBLE ONE.
- OH, NO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, NO.
I AM NOT GONNA VENT TO Y'ALL.
- NO, NO, NO, NO!
DO IT!
WE LOVE VENTING.
- IGNORE HIS TONE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US
ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT TO.
- WELL, I HAD TO TAKE MY DOG
TO THE VET,
AND THEN ON THE WAY THERE,
I GOT A FLAT TIRE,
AND THEN MY BOYFRIEND
BROKE UP WITH ME.
- OH, NO.
IS YOUR DOG GONNA BE OKAY?
- FUCK THE DOG!
- YOU JUST BROKE UP
WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- YEAH.
WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET GOING.
I'VE TAKEN UP WAY TOO MUCH
OF Y'ALL TIME.
- NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
JUST, UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING,
AND I HOPE YOUR DOGGY
GETS BETTER.
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
- DOGGY?
MAYBE ROSS IS GAY.
- I HOPE SHE'S ALL RIGHT.
- I HOPE HER DOUCHE BAG
EX-BOYFRIEND
REALIZES WHAT HE JUST LOST.
- YEAH, I'D PROBABLY EVEN
FUCK HER IN FRONT OF ROSS.
- FINALLY, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
TIME FOR MY GIRLS.
WE'RE LOOKING TO CAST "JENNY,"
THE SMOKING SEXY BLONDE.
YOU KNOW THE TYPE:
THE ONE WHOSE LOOKS AND SMILE
DESERVE THEIR OWN
SLOW-MOTION ENTRANCE.
- ALL RIGHT, GUYS.
THIS IS LINDSAY GRIFFIN.
- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
- I MEAN, WOW.
- SHE IS SO HO SHE COULD BE FROM VENUS.
- HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU
YOU LOOK LIKE BARBIE?
- ALL THE TIME.
- REALLY?
- NO.
- AND PERSONALITY TOO.
I LIKE IT.
SO YOU'LL BE READING AS JENNY.
I'LL BE READING AS GEORGE.
FEEL FREE TO USE ME
AS YOUR PARTNER.
YES, THERE IS A KISS WRITTEN
INTO THIS AUDITION SCENE,
SO PUCKER UP, BABY,
AND PREPARE TO LAY ONE ON ME.
- HAS THIS GUY EVER HAD SOMEONE
TWIDDLE HIS FIDDLE?
- QUICK, LET'S HIDE IN HERE.
- THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
MORE UPSET ABOUT,
YOUR BOYFRIEND COMING OU OF THE CLOSE
OR THE FACT THAT THERE'S
A KILLER ON THE LOOSE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE BOTH
PRETTY AWFUL, THOUGH.
- I THINK I SAVED YOU
JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
- YOU DID.
I WAS DEFINITELY A GONER.
- I'VE NEVER SAVED
ANYONE'S LIFE BEFORE.
- I GUESS I'M JUS A LUCKY GIRL.
- I FEEL LUCKY
HAVING SAVED YOU.
- I GUESS WE'RE JUST BOTH LUCKY.
- YEAH, LUCKY.
- THANKS, GUYS.
- [laughs]
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
[all laugh]
- AND WE EVEN WROTE IT IN.
- BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BUDDY.
- LISTEN HERE,
I'M GLAD TO BE ALONE
TO BE ALONE
LISTEN HERE,
I'M GLAD TO BE ALONE
- YOU'VE GO TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.
[both laugh]
I MEAN, AM I NOT AS ATTRACTIVE
AS I THINK I AM?
- NOPE.
- DON'T WORRY, DUDE.
THERE'S A LOT MORE COMING IN.
- I JUST DON'T GET WHY I--
- CALM DOWN, PIP-SQUEAK.
I'LL SOLVE YOUR LITTLE DILEMMA.
HE'S GONNA OWE ME.
HI, AND YOU ARE...
- KRISTIN.
- KRISTIN.
I'M THE DIRECTOR.
NOW, I'M GONNA BE HONES WITH YOU.
I'M JUST NOT FEELING THE PASSION
FROM ANY OF THE JENNYS YET,
SO THAT I'M GONNA
REALLY NEED YOU TO DO IS,
REALLY GET INTO THIS CHARACTER
FOR ME, OKAY?
CAN YOU DO THAT?
- YOU GOT IT, DUDE.
- GREAT.
YOU'LL BE READING
WITH JUSTIN HERE.
OWE ME BIG, HE WILL.
- I GUESS I'M JUST A LUCKY GIRL.
- I FEEL LUCKY
THAT I GOT TO SAVE YOU.
- I GUESS WE'RE BOTH
JUST LUCKY.
- YEAH.
LUCKY.
- YEAH.
- I DON'T DO NOTHING
FOR NOTHING.
NICE JOB.
- THANKS.
- HEY, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
- SURE.
- WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO DO NUDITY?
- IT DIDN'T SAY
THERE'D BE NUDITY
IN THE CASTING.
- WELL, YEAH, I KNOW,
BUT YOU JUST SEEM
LIKE THE KIND OF CHICK
THAT WOULD.
- SERIOUSLY?
- [sighs]
- WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CALM DOWN, DUDE, ALL RIGHT?
I'VE BEEN TO LOTS
OF CASTINGS BEFORE.
I WAS GONNA GET HER
TO TAKE HER TOP OFF FOR YOU.
- AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME
WE LET CHASE ASK QUESTIONS.
- AT LEAST I HAD PARKER
ON MY SIDE FOR THE REST.
HOPE I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING.
[pop punk music]
OH, I'VE NEVER KNOWN
JUST WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE ALONE
- WOW.
THAT WAS A REALLY GREAT SCENE.
- I KNOW.
I GOT REALLY INTO IT.
- HOW WAS IT, GUYS?
DID IT LOOK AS GOOD AS IT FELT?
- YEAH, LIKE A SCENE
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE NOTEBOOK.
- I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
- WHO DOESN'T?
- I DON'T.
- WELL, REALLY GREA WORKING WITH YOU, SUMMER.
- THANKS.
YOU TOO.
BYE, BOYS.
- DECISIONS, DECISIONS,
DECISIONS.
GETTING PRETTY DAMN GOOD
AT THIS CHARACTER TOO.
YOU KNOW, THIS
BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY IDEA
IS REALLY STARTING
TO GROW ON ME.
- ALL RIGHT.
UP NEXT, JORDAN?
- OOPS.
- GUYS, THIS IS JORDAN HOLLIDAY.
- WHAT THE FUCK
IS SHE DOING HERE?
- WE CALLED IN
CHASE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT AUDITIONING.
GET HER OUT OF HERE!
- REALLY, CHASE?
THEY SHOULD CAST ME IN THIS.
I'M THE BIGGEST NAME
THEY'RE GONNA GET.
- KATIE, PLEASE ESCOR THAT BITCH OUT OF HERE.
- MAN, YOU ARE SUCH A BOY.
- KATIE DID SOME
OF THE CASTING E-MAILS.
I HONESTLY DIDN' SEE THAT ONE COMING.
- HE SAID IT WAS THE BEST SEX
HE EVER HAD?
MM.
[chuckles]
- WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE
WAS THAT?
- DUDE, WASN'T ON PURPOSE.
- KIND OF FUNNY, THOUGH.
- NO, MAN, THAT SUCKS.
- ACTUALLY, IT'S A GOOD THING.
- HOW THE FUCK
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
- BECAUSE SHE SAW
ALL THESE HOT GIRLS
COMING IN AND OUT OF HERE.
YOU CAN USE I TO MAKE HER JEALOUS.
TALKING OUT OF MY ASS,
BUT HEY, IT COULD WORK.
I AM SORRY, THOUGH, BRO.
- NO, FUCK IT.
IT'S COOL.
LET'S GET MY GIRLS IN HERE.
- DODGED THAT ONE.
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S CHECK OU SOME REDHEADS.
NOTHING LIKE A GOOD FIRE CROTCH.
- HEY, CHASE.
I'VE SEEN ALMOST ALL
YOUR MOVIES.
- COOL.
- IT'S A REAL PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU.
- I MEAN, SHE'S KIND OF
A REDHEAD,
BUT WITH TITTIES LIKE THAT,
I DON'T CARE
IF SHE'S A BROWNHEAD.
- CHELSEA,
YOU'LL BE READING LOLA,
AND CHASE WILL BE READING
WITH YOU AS BRAD.
- OH, MY GOSH.
YOU'RE READING WITH ME?
- SAME SHIT.
DIFFERENT DAY.
YUP.
DIFFERENT DAY.
SAME SHIT.
- I'M SO GLAD YOU SHOWED UP!
THERE'S A KILLER IN HERE!
- WHAT KILLER?
WHERE?
- HE JUST KILLED ABBY
AND RAN UP THE STAIRS!
- WELL, THEN YOU BETTER
STAY DOWN HERE.
I'LL GO FIND HIM.
- NO, DON'T.
HE HAS AN AX.
- BUT I KNOW KARATE.
- PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY HIM
TO DO THIS.
- OH, BRAD.
YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.
- I TRY.
- AND YOU SUCCEED.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE
OF THIS I CAN TAKE.
- I SHOULD BE GETTING PAID
FOR THIS.
- HE JUST KILLED ABBY,
AND HE RAN UPSTAIRS!
- OH, WELL, THEN YOU BETTER
STAY HERE.
I'LL GO FIND HIM.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, DON'T!
HE HAS AN AX.
- BUT I KNOW KARATE.
- WAIT!
- WHAT?
- I'M SCARED.
- AW, DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FACE.
I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- OH, BRAD,
YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER.
- [chuckles]
I TRY.
- YOU SUCCEED.
OH, SHIT.
I ALMOST JUST KISSED YOU.
I'M SO SORRY.
- IT'S COOL, BABE.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- [sighs]
- DAMN, BRO!
I AM JELLY!
CAN I BE YOU FOR, LIKE, A DAY?
YEAH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN READ
WITH THE NEXT ONE.
I GOT TO TAKE A PISS.
- SWEET!
BRING ME A GINGER!
- SPEAKING OF REDHEADS,
KATIE'S KIND OF CUTE,
DON'T YOU THINK, NEWT?
- I'D BANG HER.
- OR IS IT JUST A HEARTBEAT?
- RYAN IS A LUCKY GUY.
- HEY, NEWTON,
WE'RE JUST GONNA MOVE ON.
YOUR GIRLS ARE HERE NOW.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO HAVE THEM COME IN?
- UH, SURE.
- OKAY.
- HEY, NEWT, SINCE WE DIDN' WRITE SIDES FOR YOUR GIRLS,
LET'S JUST TELL THEM
IT'S A REALLY SECRET PAR OF THE SCRIP
THAT REQUIRES A REALLY STRONG
SCREAM QUEEN.
- UH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
LET US HEAR IT.
- [inhales]
[screams]
- [screams]
- [screams]
- [screams]
- YEAH, I ENJOYED THAT.
- ROOM FULL OF HOT BRUNETTES
OUT THERE.
- I GUESS THAT MEANS
IT'S MY TURN.
IT SAYS HERE YOU'VE GOT LOTS
OF IMPROV EXPERIENCE.
- THAT I DO.
- CAN YOU TELL ME
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THAT?
- UH--
- I LOVE HOW BEN ACTS
LIKE HE KNOWS
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
I DID IMPROV
FOR OVER A YEAR.
HE DIDN'T ASK ME
A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT.
- JUSTIN SUCKED AT IMPROV.
THERE'S A REASON
WHY HE'S A WAITER.
- WELL, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU
DO THE AUDITION MONOLOGUE,
BUT FEEL FREE TO IMPROV
WHEREVER IT TAKES YOU.
- [sighs]
[clears throat]
WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE ARE YOU?
COME AND GET ME.
I DARE YOU.
YOU'VE KILLED
ALL OF MY BEST FRIENDS.
SHOW YOURSELF TO ME.
- I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
- WHAT?
ARE YOU CHICKEN?
HUH?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BLAINE!
COME AND GET ME!
WHERE ARE YOU?
- I'M GETTING DIZZY.
- COME AND GET ME.
I DARE YOU.
- GREAT.
GREAT.
THAT'S REALLY ALL
WE NEEDED TO SEE.
- [chuckles]
THANKS.
- I'M SOLD,
HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.
NAIL IN THE COFFIN.
SIGN ME UP.
I WANT TO EAT HER PUSSY.
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- NO, THANK YOU.
[door creaking]
- YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.
- DID YOU NOT SEE HER?
- WE ALL SAW HER.
- WAS SHE NOT OOZING
WITH HOTNESS?
COME ON, CHASE.
I SAW YOU STARING.
WASN'T SHE FANTASTIC?
- SHE WAS HOT.
- SOMEBODY TAKE ME OU OF THE OVEN,
'CAUSE I'M DONE.
- I GUESS IN THIS PROJEC WE SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.
I'M GONNA GO MAKE
A LITTLE SPEECH,
SAVE US ALL A LITTLE TIME.
- WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY?
- MY GUESS, IT'S GONNA
BE SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING COCK.
- OR ASS PLAY.
- OKAY, I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING
CRYSTAL CLEAR.
THIS IS A GAY CHARACTER
YOU'LL BE READING FOR.
YOU WILL BE REQUIRED
TO KISS A GUY.
SO FOR ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES
WITH A GIRLFRIEND
WHO SAYS YOU'RE OKAY WITH I BUT THEN YOU END UP
NOT BEING OKAY WITH I DURING FILMING,
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU
KISS A GUY RIGHT HERE
RIGHT NOW IN THE AUDITION.
IT'S IN THE SCRIPT.
SO IF ANY OF YOU COOL DUDES
HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT,
FEEL FREE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
- GROSS.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- UH, NOTHING.
- FOR THE RECORD,
I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
- OKAY, LET'S DO THIS.
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.
KATIE, WILL YOU PLEASE
BRING THE FIRST ONE IN?
OH, AND I'LL BE READING
WITH THEM.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'LL
BE READING FOR BLAINE.
- OKAY.
- READY?
- UH-HUH.
- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
- I DO.
- SO THEN DO IT.
- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- BUT...
SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.
- WELL, THEN, WE DON' HAVE MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- JENNY!
JENNY, NO!
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!
- I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE PROUD
OF THAT SCENE.
ANYONE?
NEWT?
NO?
GOT IT.
- THAT WAS SO WRONG.
- THIS WHOLE DAY IS WRONG.
- WHAT, I THINK HE LIKED IT.
- YEAH, HE LIFTED HIS LEG.
- [chuckles]
- WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT, CHASE?
I SAW THAT MOVIE YOU DID,
THE GAY VERSION OF TWILIGHT.
LOOKED LIKE YOU LIKED
KISSING DUDES.
- UM, IT'S CALLED ACTING.
- OH, IS THA WHAT YOU CALL IT?
- HEY, THAT VAMPIRE MOVIE
GOT ME A LOT OF PUSSY.
- UGH, I HATE THAT WORD.
- WHAT, PUSSY?
- NO.
VAMPIRE.
DUMBASS.
- ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THIS IS NATHAN.
- WELL, HELLO, NATHAN.
- A LITTLE PIECE OF ME DIES
AS EACH GUY WALKS IN.
- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE
MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC.
I'M JUST SCARED OF GAY PEOPLE.
- OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS TRENT.
- WHAT'S UP?
- DID I MENTION
I'M TEAM JACOB?
SO YOU'RE BLAINE.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, COOL.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
- I DO.
- SO DO IT.
- BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- SHE WILL BE ANY MINUTE.
- SO THEN WE DON'T HAVE
MUCH TIME.
KISS ME.
- OKAY.
- MMM.
LIKE A SUGAR COOKIE.
- HEY, PARKER,
THERE'S ONE MORE GUY OUT THERE.
YOU WANT ME TO BRING HIM IN?
- I THOUGHT THERE WERE
ONLY THREE OUT THERE.
- WELL, HE JUST SHOWED UP.
- WELL, FANTASTIC.
SEND HIM IN.
- THIS IS GETTING OU OF CONTRIZZY.
- UM, WHAT?
- HELLO, PARKER.
GENTLEMEN.
- WTF?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WHAT?
I SAW YOUR LITTLE
CASTING NOTICE.
I THOUGHT I'D COME OUT.
YOU ALWAYS DID PROMISE
TO CAST ME IN SOMETHING.
- YOU'RE NOT RIGH FOR THIS ROLE.
- BUT I'M AN ACTOR,
A GENIUS ACTOR.
ISN'T THAT WHA YOU USED TO SAY?
- YES, WE DATED,
BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,
BEFORE I WAS SUCCESSFUL.
- YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE PROMISES
THAT YOU CANNOT KEEP.
- HE WAS MY MASSEUR.
HE HAD THE BEST HANDS.
- IN SOME CIRCLES,
I'M FAMOUS FOR MY HANDS.
- IT IS TRULY AMAZING
WHAT THAT MAN IS CAPABLE OF.
- THEY'RE LIKE MAGIC WEAPONS.
[blows air]
- BUT HE'S POSSESSIVE,
JEALOUS, AND SCANDALOUS.
- HE CALLED ME SCANDALOUS?
WELL.
- YOU ARE NOT AUDITIONING.
- WHAT?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A TWINK ANYMORE?
- UH, WHAT'S A TWINK?
- ACCORDING TO HOMOLINGO.COM,
A TWINK IS A BOYISH-LOOKING
YOUNG GAY MAN
WHO IS SLENDER
WITH LITTLE TO NO BODY HAIR,
OFTEN BLOND
BUT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE,
AND WHO DRESSES
IN ULTRA-SLIM-FIT ATTIRE
AS IF ENTERING A CLUB
OR BARKING ON A HIKE.
I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
- FINE.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
THE LAST OF ME.
[sinister music]
- THAT DUDE WAS CRAY CRAY.
- HE BETTER CAST ME
IN HIS LITTLE MOVIE.
OTHERWISE, I JUST MIGH SHARE SOMETHING WITH THE WORLD.
WHAT, YOU ASK?
LET ME JUST SAY
THAT WE ALL HAVE
OUR OWN DARK, LITTLE SECRETS,
DON'T WE?
- AUDITIONS CONCLUDED.
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS PLAN IS GOING PERFECTLY.
TONS OF SEXY CHICKS IN TODAY,
ALL TOTALLY BELIEVING
IN THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
NOW WE'RE GONNA HEAD BACK
TO MY PLACE
TO DISCUSS CASTING.
[pop punk music]
- THANKS, ROSS.
- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
SHE WAS ON HER FEET ALL DAY.
IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
- YOU SEE WHAT ROSS
IS DOING HERE?
HE IS KIND OF LIKE
A MAGNETIC FORCE
TO CHICKS WITH BOYFRIENDS.
HE'S THE KING
OF THE FRIEND ZONE.
- OKAY, GUYS, SO I'M THINKING,
TO GET THIS PLAN IN MOTION,
WE SHOULD ALL CALL THE PERSON
THAT WE WANT TO CAST.
- SHOULDN'T KATIE DO THAT?
- YEAH, I AM
THE CASTING DIRECTOR.
- YEAH, IN A REAL MOVIE,
I WOULD SAY YES,
BUT IN A FAKE MOVE,
I'M GONNA SAY, "FUCK, NO.
THAT'S RETARDED."
- POINT TAKEN.
AND I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR
DALLAS'S SWEE AND SEXY VOICE AGAIN.
- WHILE I HAVE
EVERYONE'S ATTENTION,
THERE IS SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO ADDRESS.
- WE'RE NOT CUTTING
THE GAY CHARACTER.
- NO.
NO, OBVIOUSLY.
IT'S A GREAT CHARACTER.
GOOD JOB ON THE SCRIPT, GUYS.
I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GOOD.
- UH, THANK YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU REALLY
GETTING AT, CHEESE DICK?
- I THINK--
I THINK WE SHOULD
MAKE THIS MOVIE.
- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
- THAT WAS NEVER PAR OF THE PLAN.
- BUT IT WOULD BE A SHITTY PLAN
WITH A SHITTY MOVIE.
- HEY!
- WHAT?
IT'S NO MASTERPIECE.
- IN OUR DEFENSE,
WE WEREN'T GOING FOR BRILLIANCE.
- YEAH, AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAD
A LOT OF TIME TO WRITE IT.
- IT'S A REALLY GOOD STORY.
I'M SURE, WITH A LITTLE BI MORE TIME,
WE COULD REORGANIZE THE PLAN.
- SO WE'RE NOT MAKING THE MOVIE,
OR WE ARE MAKING THE MOVIE?
- WE'RE NOT MAKING
THIS MOVIE, JUSTIN.
WHAT WE ARE MAKING
IS A DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT CASTING A FAKE MOVIE,
RIGHT, NEWT?
- UH, THAT'S WHAT I WAS--
- SHUT UP, NEWT!
COME ON, GUYS.
THIS COULD BE GREAT.
- BACK TO CASTING,
I THINK I'M GONNA GO
WITH THE JACOB LOOK-ALIKE.
GIVE ME TWO WEEKS,
ENOUGH ALCOHOL,
AND I'LL HAVE HIM CONVERTED.
- REALLY?
NOBODY THINKS
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
- I WOULD RATHER
CUT OFF MY BALLS
AND SPOON FEED THEM
TO MY MOTHER
THAN DIREC THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY
STARRING JUSTIN NO-NAME
THE CAREER WAITER.
- FINE.
WELL, I WANT TO CAS THAT CHICK SUMMER.
WE HAD GOOD CHEMISTRY, AND
I THINK SHE KIND OF LIKES ME.
- SHE HAD A LOT OF AIR UPSTAIRS.
- YEAH, I DON'T EVEN THINK
SHE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- EXACTLY.
AND SHE SEEMS
LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRL
THAT WOULD LET ME THROW A PIECE
OF BOLOGNA AT HER BARE ASS.
- MY BOLOGNA HAS A FIRST NAME.
- FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU CAN CAST WHOMEVER YOU WAN IN THIS GAME.
HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS?
- OH, THE SOUTHERN BELLE.
- ALEX.
- YES, ALEX.
SHE WAS DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE.
- YEAH, YOU SHOULD
TOTALLY CAST HER.
NO, SHE WASN'T MY GIRL,
BUT I JUST WOULDN'T MIND
SEEING HER AGAIN.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE ASIAN?
- UH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY KIND OF ALL
LOOKED THE SAME TO ME.
[funky exotic music]
- WE'RE GOING TO HELL.
- I GUESS I'LL TAKE
THE REALLY HOT ONE.
- OH, YEAH, THAT ONE WITH
THE AMAZING, JUICY CLEAVAGE.
- YEAH, I THINK HER NAME WAS...
KIMMY?
[whistles blowing,
cow bell dings]
[baby coos]
- HEY, I'D FEED HER
SOME KUMQUATS.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, BROSKI?
YOU SHOULD CAS THAT REDHEADED CHICK.
SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO YOU.
- YEAH, WHAT WAS HER NAME?
I THINK HER NAME WAS--
- SURE, THAT'S FINE.
- SHE SHOULD BE AN EASY LAY.
- YEAH, SURE.
I MEAN, WHATEVER.
- I THINK CHASE
IS STILL PRETTY BUMMED
ABOUT JORDAN SHOWING UP.
HE HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE.
I ACTUALLY FEEL
KIND OF BAD FOR HIM.
- UH, SO YOU GUYS DON'T NEED
ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME?
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
WE MIGHT NEED YOU TO HELP US OU A LITTLE BI
WITH OUR GAME
AT THE PARTY, THOUGH.
- WHEN IS THE PARTY?
- OH, I JUST TALKED TO JOHNSON.
- HEY, LITTLE MAN.
ANY TIME YOU WANT TO BRING OVER
A BUNCH OF LITTLE HOTTIES,
YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO.
- WHEN EVERYONE
MAKES THEIR CALLS
AND THEY'RE CASTING
THEIR PERSON,
MAKE SURE THAT THEY CAN COME
TO THE PARTY THIS SATURDAY.
- YEAH, WE'RE CALLING I A KICKOFF PARTY,
A GOOD TIME FOR EVERYONE
TO MEET AND MINGLE.
- YEAH, AND OBVIOUSLY
GET WASTED.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- HEY, PERSONAL ASSISTANT?
- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR.
- ARE YOU COMING
TO THE PARTY ALSO?
- UH, NO, WE CAN'T--
- SURE.
WE'LL BRING THE VINO.
[giggles]
- AWESOME.
- FANTASTIC.
- I'M HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME
ON THIS PROJECT.
AND NONE OF YOU GUYS ARE WORRIED
ABOUT PISSING THESE PEOPLE OFF?
- NO, THEY ALSO GET TO BE
IN THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- AND MEET A BUNCH
OF GREAT GUYS.
- WELL, SOME OF US ARE GREAT.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
JUST CHECKING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN' THINK OF THIS IDEA EARLIER.
THIS IS HOLLYWOOD,
THE LAND WHERE MAGIC HAPPENS.
THIS PARTY IS GOING TO BE EPIC.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP?
IS THIS CHELSEA?
YEAH, WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS CHASE LOCKWOOD.
YEAH, HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SO I'M CALLING YOU BECAUSE--
- HI, IS THIS KIMMY?
HI, KIMMY, THIS IS AUSTIN.
I'M THE WRITER
FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
YES, IT'S GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.
- HI, THIS IS PARKER CALLING.
I'M THE DIRECTOR OF THE MOVIE
THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- HEY, IS THIS DALLAS?
HEY, THIS IS BEN,
THE PRODUCER ON THE--
- SUMMER, WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS JUSTIN.
I'M CALLING ON BEHALF
OF THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
I'M ONE OF THE COPRODUCERS.
- HEY, ALEX, IT'S ROSS
FROM THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- WE'RE ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT CASTING YOU,
CASTING THE ROLE.
- YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.
- ...AND MEET THE RES OF THE CAST.
- WE WOULD LOVE
TO GIVE YOU THE PART.
- ...KICKOFF PARTY ON SATURDAY.
- YEAH, WE'RE HAVING A KICKOFF
PARTY THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY E-MAIL YOU
ALL THE DETAILS.
- GONNA BE A LOT OF GIRLS THERE.
- REALLY, REALLY GREAT.
WE'RE EXCITED TOO.
- DON'T EAT ANYTHING BEFOREHAND.
THERE'S GONNA BE PLENTY
OF ALCOHOL.
- WE'RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU
ON SATURDAY.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE'LL SEE YOU ON SATURDAY, OKAY?
- CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
- I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
- ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.
- BYE-BYE.
- LATER.
- OKAY, BYE.
[upbeat rock music]
- TO GETTING LAID.
- HERE, HERE.
- DON'T I GET A SHOT?
- NO.
- HEY, BOYS.
- HEY, KATIE.
- I'M BASICALLY
THE WINGMAN TONIGHT.
OR WINGWOMAN.
WHATEVER.
[chuckles]
- KATIE IS GOING TO BE
OUR LIAISON.
- DANGEROUS LIAISON.
[giggles]
I LOVE IT!
- GUYS, I GOT A SURPRISE.
- FLAVORED CONDOMS?
- CLOSE.
I MADE FACEBOOK
AND TWITTER ACCOUNTS
FOR THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- COOL.
- I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON
I HIRED BEN.
ALWAYS USING HIS NOGGIN.
- I FIGURE THIS JUSTIFIES
THE PROJECT,
LENDS A MORE COLORFUL ILLUSION.
- HI.
- HEY, GIRLS.
WELCOME.
AS THE GIRLS ARRIVED,
I HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA
THAT WE SHOULD GREET THEM ALL
INDIVIDUALLY.
[upbeat punk music]
- AND I HAD THE BRILLIANT IDEA
TO GET THEM TO LIKE
THE FACEBOOK PAGE.
[jazz beat]
- LET'S GET THIS SHIT GOING.
- I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL
TO THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY
CAST AND KICKOFF PARTY.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I'M JUSTIN.
I'M PRODUCING.
- COPRODUCING.
- WELL, IF WE'RE
GETTING TECHNICAL,
I'M A COPRODUCER.
I'LL ALSO BE PLAYING GEORGE.
- IF WE'RE REALLY
GETTING TECHNICAL,
YOU'RE JUST A DOUCHE BAG.
- LADIES, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU HERE TO BEN.
HE'S THE HEAD PRODUCER.
- HI.
- PARKER, THE DIRECTOR.
ROSS AND AUSTIN, THE WRITERS.
- HI.
- YO.
- AND I'M SURE YOU'RE FAMILIAR
WITH CHASE LOCKWOOD.
HE'S GONNA BE PLAYING
BRAD THE BOYFRIEND.
- I'VE SEEN, LIKE,
ALL OF HIS MOVIES,
AND I'M KIND OF A BIG FAN.
[mouthing words]
- AND THIS IS JOHNSON,
THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
- HELLO, LADIES.
WELCOME TO THE CAST,
AND WELCOME TO MI CASA.
HAVE A DRINK OR SEVEN,
BUT ENJOY YOURSELVES.
- I WANT TO BE JOHNSON
WHEN I GROW UP.
- AS YOU MAY
OR MAY NOT HAVE NOTICED,
NEWT HERE
IS OUR CINEMATOGRAPHER.
WE'VE ALREADY STARTED ROLLING
TO CAPTURE SOME GREA BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE,
HAVE SOME GREAT BONUS FEATURES
FOR THE DVD.
- THAT WAS ALL ME,
THAT IDEA, THAT SPEECH.
- SO DON'T BE SHY,
ENJOY THE CAMERA,
AND FEEL FREE
TO INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.
- HI, I'M ALEX.
I'M PLAYING THE SWEE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
- I'M KIMMY.
[laughs]
- WELL, I DO LIVE NEXT DOOR
TO SOMEONE.
- I'M SUMMER.
I'M PLAYING JENNY.
[giggles]
AND I'M THE LEAD, RIGHT?
- I'M ABBY, THE SLUTTY ONE.
- HELLO, I'M DALLAS MITCHELL.
I'M PLAYING BROOKE,
THE INFAMOUS SCREAM QUEEN
AND THE LAST ONE TO SURVIVE.
- TYPECAST.
[laughs]
- I'M LOLA--
I MEAN, CHELSEA.
I'LL BE PLAYING LOLA.
- YES, THE LUNGS
OF A BANSHEE.
- THE SLUMBER PARTY
IS AT MY HOUSE,
BECAUSE I'M THE RICH,
SPOILED ONE.
- TRENT.
PLAYING BLAINE.
- IT'S MY FIRST LEAD ROLE.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
I GOT TO KISS A DUDE.
- SUPER STOKED.
[giggles]
- YEAH.
AGAIN.
- WHAT'S GOING ON, FELLAS?
THIS AIN'T NO GYMNASIUM.
WE'RE NOT HOLDING
NO SIXTH GRADE DANCE.
- IT'S A TANK WITHOUT A POOL
AND WE BREAKING ALL THE RULES
WALKING BY THE POOL
WITH A BOTTLE FULL OF HONEY
LOOKING FOR SOME TAIL
- HE'S RIGHT.
- LET ME GET UP
ON A HIGH HORSE FOR A MINUTE
I KNOW I'D BE THE BEST THING
- UH-OH.
GAME ON.
- HEY, DALLAS,
CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?
- UM, SURE.
- HELLO, LADIES.
- HEY.
- HI AGAIN.
- GLAD YOU BOTH COULD MAKE IT.
- SO FUN, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
[laughter]
- UH-OH.
WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED.
- SHE LOOKS A LITTLE NUTS.
- NOT AS CRAZY
AS THAT KIMMY CHICK, THOUGH.
- I SEE A HOT CHICK
WALKING QUICKLY MY WAY
- YEAH, I GUESS.
- OH, HERE SHE COMES.
KILL IT, STUD.
- WHAT'S UP?
- I'VE GOT TO BE
TOTALLY HONEST WITH YOU.
I AM REALLY, REALLY EXCITED
TO BE WORKING WITH YOU.
- SWEET.
- AND I WAN TO SEE YOU NAKED
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, LITTLE MAN.
YOU DID WELL.
- HUH?
- I THINK SUMMER HERE
IS JUST PERFEC FOR THE LEAD.
- OH.
- AW, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- I TOTALLY AGREE.
SHE'S GOT THE LOOKS
AND THE TALENT.
- THAT'S WHAT MY DADDY SAYS.
- PERFECT.
- HOW LONG DO WE
HAVE TO STAY HERE?
- OH, SHUT UP.
- HEY, PERSONAL ASSISTANT,
WILL YOU GO GET TREN
AND BRING HIM OVER HERE
FOR ME, PLEASE?
- NO, I'M GOOD.
- FINE.
KATIE, WILL YOU DO IT?
- UM, OKAY.
I WAS GONNA GO
GET A DRINK ANYWAYS.
- NO, UH--
- YOU KNOW, YOU WOULD LOOK
SO MUCH BETTER
WITHOUT THIS HAT.
- UGH.
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME.
[funky music]
- HEY, NEWT?
SO THIS IS WHERE
THE KICKOFF PARTY IS?
- UH, YEAH.
- IS THAT THING ON?
- UH, BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
JORDAN'S HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
I'M IN THE ZONE.
- WHAT THE FUCK
IS JORDAN DOING HERE?
- SHE BOUGHT IT?
- BOUGHT WHAT?
- I TOLD HER
WE CAST HER IN THE MOVIE.
WE WROTE A PART IN FOR HER.
- WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?
- HEY, TO GET HER HERE.
YOU WANT TO GET HER BACK,
MAKE HER JEALOUS.
- SHE CAN'T BE IN THE MOVIE!
- UH, GUYS, THERE IS--
both: SHUT UP, NEWT!
- IT'S A GOOD THING
I'M NOT SUICIDAL.
- DUDE, YOU COULD BANG
HALF THE CHICKS HERE,
ESPECIALLY THAT CHELSEA CHICK.
YOU WANT TO MAKE JORDAN JEALOUS?
I'LL HELP YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING, A PLAN.
NOW, GO.
HEY, JORDAN.
HOW YOU DOING?
- SO WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S MY PART?
- YOU KNOW, THE CRAZY HOT ONE.
- WHAT'S THE STORY?
- PSYCHOPATH KILLER
SLAUGHTERING HOT GIRLS.
- YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE
THAN ONE HOT GIRL?
IT'S JUST A THING
MY AGENT SAYS,
A BUG HE'S PUT INTO MY HEAD.
IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTAN TO BE THE HOTTEST.
HELPS YOU BUILD A FAN BASE.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT, LIKE,
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING
AT ALL THE PRESENTS
UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
THEY'RE ALL PRETTY AND EXCITING,
BUT THERE'S ALWAYS
THAT ONE SPECIAL PRESENT,
THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST BOW.
JUST CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES
OFF OF IT.
I'M THAT FUCKING PRESENT.
AND WHERE'S THE SCRIPT?
- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD TALK
TO ROSS AND AUSTIN ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE THE WRITERS.
THEY PROBABLY HAVE A COPY
IN THEIR CAR OR SOMETHING.
SEE YA.
- THIS BENCH IS SO CUTE.
- YEAH, I THOUGHT SO, RIGHT?
THIS PLACE IS COOL.
JOHNSON'S GOT STYLE.
- THAT HE DOES.
- SO YOU WANT TO SEE THE WEBSITE
I'M BUILDING FOR THE MOVIE?
- YOU'RE BUILDING THE WEBSITE?
- WELL, I AM THE PRODUCER.
- I MEAN, YEAH, BUT NO ALL PRODUCERS ARE TECH-SAVVY.
- I USED TO WORK IN MARKETING,
SO THIS IS JUST FUN FOR ME.
- THAT'S SO COOL.
- YEAH.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU DO ANYTHING
BESIDES ACT?
- YEAH, I'M
AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER.
- [chuckles]
OF COURSE YOU ARE.
- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- 'CAUSE THAT'S JUST PERFECT.
- WHAT IS?
- YOU ARE.
I MEAN, THE JOB IS FOR YOU.
CHILDREN--
- [chuckling]
- FUCK.
WAIT, NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING.
- PROBABLY BLUSHING TOO.
[laughs]
- YOU REALLY NEED TO PU MORE MEAT ON THESE BONES.
- OH, DUDE, YOU ARE KILLING ME.
- WHAT?
I'M JUST SAYING.
DON'T YOU THINK HE'S TOO SKINNY?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I REALLY DON'T--
- I'M VERY UNCOMFORTABLE
RIGHT NOW.
- THERE'S A LOT OF ME
IN THIS BUSINESS.
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NO CUT OUT FOR IT.
- WHAT BUSINESS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS A JOKE.
- HEY.
- NO, FUCK IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
- AND THAT IS WHEN ROSS
PISSED HIMSELF.
- SHUT UP, MAN.
I WAS INCREDIBLY WASTED.
I DON'T USUALLY GET LIKE THAT.
- HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN
CRAZY STORIES.
- YEAH?
- OF COURSE.
- I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO TELL ONE, THEN.
- YEAH, TELL US.
WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE?
- WELL, THIS ONE TIME,
AT CHEERLEADING CAMP--
- HEY, BABE.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- KATIE, I NEED YOU NOW.
- UH, JUST A LITTLE LONGER?
- NO, I'M GOING.
YOU CAN STAY IF YOU WANT.
I DON'T CARE.
- PRETTY PLEASE?
- OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- WHATEVER.
- WHAT'S UP WITH PETER
THE PARTY POOPER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
HE HASN'T BEEN
IN THE BEST MOODS LATELY.
WHAT'S UP?
- COME QUICK.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
- AND THEN HE WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD."
- KIMMY, COME WITH ME.
JOHNSON, THIS IS KIMMY,
THE SLUTTY ONE.
- OH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
- COME TAKE A SHO WITH ME AND JUSTIN.
WE'RE CELEBRATING.
- CELEBRATING WHAT?
- THE MOVIE, SILLY.
IT'S GONNA BE SO EXCITING.
HE'S GOING TO BE
A HUGE PRODUCER, JUSTIN.
- REALLY?
- UH-HUH.
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY.
OH, SHIT.
HEY.
WHAT THE "F" IS SHE DOING HERE?
- SO YOU'RE THE WRITERS?
- YES, I AM.
- WE ARE.
- COOL.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
- HI.
I'M ALEX.
- ARE YOU IN THE MOVIE?
- YEAH, I PLAY RACHEL.
- I'M HOTTER THAN HER, RIGHT?
SO CAN I SEE A SCRIPT?
- UH--
- UH, NOT TILL THE TABLE READ.
[chuckles]
- RIGHT, NOT UNTIL
THE TABLE READ.
- FUCK.
WHATEVER.
I GOT TO GO CALL MY AGENT.
- WHAT IS GOING ON?
- HOW'S THE PARTY?
- WHAT?
- HOW'S THE PARTY?
- IT SUCKS.
AND SO WILL THIS MOVIE
IF IT EVER EVEN GETS MADE.
- HMM.
- HEY, GUYS.
COULD WE SIT HERE?
- FINDERS KEEPERS.
GET YOUR OWN BENCH.
- SERIOUSLY?
- WHAT?
- NO, IT'S OKAY.
YOU GUYS CAN SIT HERE.
I COULD USE A TRIP TO
THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM ANYWAY.
- OH, ME TOO.
- GREAT.
DALLAS.
- SUMMER.
- SHALL WE?
- WE SHALL.
- WAY TO FUCK
THAT ONE UP, PUNCHY.
- I BET YOU CAN'T DRINK
THE REST OF THIS FLASK.
- FOR SURE I CAN.
- THEN DO IT.
- [belches]
TOLD YOU.
- WELL DONE.
- MAN.
THAT ASIAN HAS
SOME BANGING TITTIES.
- YOU KNOW THAT TITTIES
ARE JUST BIG BALLS
OF FAT, RIGHT?
- WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- POOR LITTLE STRAIGHT BOY.
IS HE TRYING TO GET YOU DRUNK?
- GET OUT OF HERE, CALVIN.
- YOU KNOW HE'S JUST GONNA
CONVERT YOU, THEN LEAVE YOU.
- CONVERT ME?
WHAT THE FUCK?
- HE'S TALKING NONSENSE.
- HE'S HOPING TO MAKE YOU GAY.
- I'M NOT GAY.
- NOBODY SAID THAT YOU WERE.
- I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
I'M GOING HOME.
- I'LL TAKE YOU HOME.
- YEAH, THEN HE'S GONNA TELL YOU
HE'S A MASSEUR.
NICE TRY.
I'M THE ONLY REAL MASSEUR
AROUND HERE.
- THOSE FUCKING FANTASTIC HANDS.
- GOOD NIGHT, STRAIGHT BOY.
- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE, CALVIN?
- WHAT?
I SAW THE EVENT ON FACEBOOK.
- HEY, I GOT YOUR TEXT.
WHAT'S UP?
- OH, GOOD.
I NEED YOU TO DO
SOME MORE SCHEMING FOR ME.
- GREAT.
I LOVE SCHEMING.
[laughter]
- THAT'S HILARIOUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU WOKE UP LIKE THAT.
- I KNOW.
I PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE BUTTER.
[laughter]
- YUM.
- I'M GONNA HIT THE RESTROOM
REAL QUICK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BRO,
BEFORE YOU PISS YOURSELF
ALL OVER AGAIN.
- MM-HMM, VERY FUNNY.
- OH.
- UH, YOU LOOK KIND OF COLD.
DO YOU WANT MY JACKET?
- ARE YOU SURE?
- YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- GREAT.
- I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED
YOU WERE SO WILD.
- OH, I'M JUST REALLY
AMPED UP TONIGHT.
I WANT TO GET CRAZY.
- OH, WELL, LUCKY ME.
- CHASE, I NEED YOU
FOR A SEC.
GET CHELSEA IN THE HOT TUB
IN FIVE MINUTES.
- WHAT?
WHY?
- DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
JUST DO IT.
IT'LL BE EASY.
- I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S
A GOOD IDEA.
- ALL PART OF JUSTIN'S
JEALOUSY PLAN.
- OH, HEY.
- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
- UH, NOTHING.
- I DON'T REALLY LIKE HER.
- OKAY.
[heavy funky music]
- YEAH, THIS IS BULLSHIT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO LEAVE.
- JORDAN, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
WHO ARE YOU?
- YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND.
- HUH?
- YOU WANT A ROLE
IN THIS MOVIE, RIGHT?
- MAYBE.
- WELL, IT'S
THE HOTTEST GIRL PART.
- OKAY.
- CHASE MISSES YOU.
HE HAD THEM CREATE
YOUR CHARACTER.
MEET HIM BY THE HOT TUB
IN FIVE MINUTES.
HE'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
- JUST CAST ME
IN YOUR DAMN MOVIE.
- THERE ISN'T A ROLE FOR YOU.
- THEN CREATE ONE.
- I CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?
YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR.
- THE STORY DOESN'T CALL FOR IT.
- OH, THE STORY?
TELL IT TO ME.
- WELL, IT'S COMPLICATED.
- WELL, TELL ME.
- NO.
- THEN I'LL DO IT.
- DON'T.
- I WILL.
I'LL TELL EVERYONE.
- YOU WOULDN'T.
- OH, I WOULD.
YOU KNOW I WOULD.
- NO!
- I WILL TELL EVERYONE
THAT YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.
- FITS YOU GOOD.
- [chuckles]
- YOU JUST GOT TO PU THE COLLAR DOWN, THOUGH.
DO YOU WANT A BUTTON?
[laughs]
- HEY.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING.
- ROSS, I CAN TELL
YOU'RE UPSET.
YOU CAN TALK TO ME.
- FINE.
IT'S AUSTIN.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY
NOT INTO KIMMY.
HE'S INTO MY GIRL, ALEX.
- OUCH.
THAT HURTS.
- I THOUGHT SHE WAS
REALLY DIGGING ME TOO.
- WELL, THEN GO OVER THERE,
AND TELL AUSTIN TO BACK OFF.
- OH, I CAN'T.
- WHY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE A NICE GUY?
- WELL, APPARENTLY.
- EXACTLY.
GO OVER THERE, AND BE A MAN.
US GIRLS, WE LIKE A GUY
WHO GETS WHAT HE WANTS.
[fast-paced electronic music]
- WHAT THE FUCK, CHASE?
- NO.
JORDAN.
JORDAN!
- EVERYBODY, I WOULD LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO OUR NEWEST CAST MEMBER,
CALVIN.
- UM, WHAT?
- NOW I'M GOING HOME.
- AUSTIN, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
STAY AWAY FROM HER.
- WHAT?
- STOP FLIRTING WITH ALEX.
- [laughs]
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BROSKI.
- I'M NOT YOUR BROSKI, BROSKI.
- NO, I DON'T THINK
WE HAVE INSURANCE.
- WHAT?
NO!
ROSS, STOP!
- GUYS!
GUYS!
STOP IT!
- FUCK YEAH!
POOL PARTY!
COME ON!
- AND YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT
WELL, I'M A SINGLE MAN
AND SHOW ME
HOW YOU SUCK IT TONIGHT
- WHY THE FUCK NOT?
[laughter]
[all squealing]
- REMEMBER WHEN I SAID...
[laughter]
EPIC?
- HEY, CAMERAMAN.
DON'T BE SUCH A NERD.
- HUH?
- GET YOUR ASS IN HERE.
- OKAY.
[upbeat electronic music]
- WHOO-HOO!
[all shouting]
- I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING
ABOUT THIS.
- HEY, JUSTIN.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TURN THAT THING OFF.
- IT COULD GO ALL THE WAY!
- WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
- THEY WANTED TO SHOW EVERYONE
HOW YOU WOKE UP ALONE.
- YES, LAST NIGHT'S
KICKOFF PARTY WAS THE BEST EVER.
NO, SUMMER AND I
DIDN'T HAVE SEX, BUT...
SHE TOUCHED IT.
- DID SHE MAKE YOU CUM?
- NOT EXACTLY.
- THEN IT WASN' A REAL HAND JOB.
- SHE WORKED I LIKE SHE WAS GETTING PAID.
- SHE DID GET AN ACTING JOB
OUT OF IT...
OR SO SHE THINKS.
- SO NOW WHAT?
- WAS GONNA ASK YOU
THE SAME THING.
- DID TRENT REALLY QUIT?
- YEAH, BUT HE'S BEEN REPLACED
WITH CALVIN,
SO WE'RE ALL GOOD.
- LONG LIVE THE FAKE MOVIE.
- WHAT ABOUT JORDAN?
- SHE WON'T RETURN MY CALLS.
- ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
BUT I'M GONNA NEED
A FAVOR FROM YOU.
- WHAT FAVOR?
- I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO CALL YOUR BUDDY BELLAGIO.
WE'RE GONNA NEED
A HOTSHOT PHOTOGRAPHER ASAP
FOR THE POSTER SHOOT.
[camera shutter clicking]
- I NEED YOU TO ADD MORE LIGHTS.
NOT LINES, LIGHTS.
PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
- YOU KNOW I WOULD
GET OU WITH A LOT OF THE WORLD
[upbeat rock music]
I GOT A STORY
THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE
OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA
SO HERE WE GO
LIKE A SHOW
I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY
WITH MY AMERICAN LIE
ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGH
NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE
IT'S MY AMERICAN
- I'M HERE.
NORMALLY I DON'T DO
POSTER SHOOTS,
ESPECIALLY SOMETHING
SO "B" HORROR AND LOW-BUDGET.
- IS THERE SOMETHING
IN MY TOOTH?
- YEAH, RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
- BUT CHASE AND I
GO BACK A LONG WAY,
AND HE DID PROMISE ME
AN 8 BALL.
- DID I GET IT?
- NO.
- HEY, BRO.
THANKS FOR COMING.
- NO PROB.
WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
LET'S GET SNAPPY.
- SO WHILE THIS
BELLAGIO CHARACTER
STARTED THE POSTER SHOOT,
I GET THESE BAD BOYS READY:
RELEASE FORMS.
WE GOT TO HAVE THEM SIGNED
IF WE EVER WAN TO RELEASE THIS DOCUMENTARY.
- YEAH, I MEAN,
GETTING THESE SIGNATURES
IS A LITTLE SKETCHY, BUT--
BUT--
[sighs]
I GOT NOTHING.
[camera shutter clicking]
- I'M SO MUCH COOLER
THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND
[laughter]
[girls giggling]
[funky rock music]
- HOW'D YOU GET JORDAN HERE?
- I TOLD HER
WE RECAST CHELSEA.
SHE'S GONNA BE
PLAYING LOLA INSTEAD.
- AND SHE BOUGHT IT?
- SHE'S HERE, ISN'T SHE?
- GOOD POINT.
BUT SO IS CHELSEA.
- YOU THINK THEY KNOW
ABOUT EACH OTHER?
[laughter]
- I'M GONNA GUESS YES.
- DOESN'T MATTER
WHO'S PLAYING WHO RIGHT NOW.
JUST KEEP REMINDING JORDAN
THAT SHE'S
THE HOTTEST CHARACTER.
- YEAH.
SHE LIKES THAT SHIT.
- I THINK JORDAN LIKES
THE POWER IN SPITE.
SPITE'S A COOL WORD.
- DALLAS IS SO
FREAKING BEAUTIFUL.
THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA, MAN.
- YEAH.
AND SUMMER BASICALLY
ALREADY WANTS
TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.
- YOU KNOW, SHE'D PROBABLY SLEEP
WITH ANYONE
WHO COULD ADVANCE HER CAREER.
- NO WAY, MAN.
SHE'S WAY INTO ME.
- SURE.
DUDE, WHY ARE YOU
WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE?
- I'M A MOVIE STAR NOW.
NEED TO START DRESSING THE PART.
- RIGHT.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- [sighs]
LOOK, I'M REALLY SORRY.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES.
YES, I AM.
- JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
- LOOK, ROSS, I NEVER MEAN TO UPSET YOU IN ANY WAY.
IT'S JUST THAT I ACTUALLY
HAVE FEELINGS FOR THIS GIRL.
- SERIOUSLY?
- DUDE, YOU KNOW ME
BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE HERE.
I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY
ABOUT ANYONE BEFORE.
- YEAH, WELL, GOOD TIMING.
- ROSS.
- I'M SO MUCH COOLER
THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
[laughter]
- UH, HEY, KATIE.
WHAT YOU DOING?
- STARING OUT THE WINDOW.
- YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
[chuckles]
ARE YOU OKAY?
- RYAN JUST DUMPED ME.
- WHAT?
WHAT?
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
- HE DID IT OVER THE PHONE.
- WHAT, WHO DOES THAT?
- RYAN, APPARENTLY.
- YEAH, APPARENTLY.
- YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY
FOR THE BEST, THOUGH.
I MEAN, HE'S BEEN A REAL STICK
IN THE MUD LATELY.
A LITTLE STICK.
LITTLE STICK.
- YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND I'M HERE FOR YOU
IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER
TO CRY ON.
OR SOMEONE TO BUY YOU A DRINK.
- THANK YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,
I'M NOT ALL THAT SAD.
- REALLY?
- YEAH, REALLY.
BUT I COULD USE SOMEONE
TO GET A DRINK WITH.
[cash register dings]
- YOU CAN HAVE ALEX.
- WHAT?
- IF SHE LIKES YOU TOO,
GO FOR IT.
- [breathing heavily]
I REALLY THINK SHE DOES, MAN.
LIKE, WE HAVE BEEN TEXTING
NONSTOP SINCE THE PARTY.
- GOOD.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
- OH, BROSKI!
I'M GONNA NEED A HUG.
- LATER?
- NOW.
- LATER.
- NOW.
- LATER.
- NOW.
- LATER!
- OKAY.
- I NEED TO SEE SEX.
[loud rock music]
I NEED MORE SEX
IN YOUR FACES.
NICE. NICE.
BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S IT.
COME ON.
OOH, YEAH.
MORE SEX IN THE EYES.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
MM.
[laughs]
GOOD.
NOW IN THE LIPS.
SHOW ME SEX LIPS.
SEX LIPS.
OH, YEAH.
OH, NICE.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
LOVE IT.
LOVE IT, GIRLS.
AND I'M OUT OF BATTERIES.
GOT TO TAKE TEN,
HIT THE LOO,
AND CHANGE MY BATTS.
CIAO, LADIES.
- I WISH I WAS BRITISH.
- OKAY, EVERYONE,
TAKE TEN,
AND DON'T FORGE TO SIGN THE RELEASE FORM
IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY.
- GIVE ME THAT THING.
- YES, MA'AM.
- DID YOU TYPE THIS UP YOURSELF?
- I DID.
WHY?
- WELL, IT LOOKS
PRETTY PROFESSIONAL.
- YOU WOULD EXPEC ANYTHING LESS?
- I MEAN, THESE MOVIES
USUALLY OPERATE
ON A MUCH CRAPPIER LEVEL.
- WELL, THERE'S NOTHING CRAPPY
ALLOWED ON MY SETS.
- OH, REALLY?
- YEAH.
THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL.
HOW I ROLL?
REALLY?
THAT COULDN'T HAVE SOUNDED COOL
COMING FROM A JEW LIKE ME.
HEY.
NOT TO MIX BUSINESS
WITH PLEASURE,
BUT WHEN ALL THIS
IS OVER AND DONE,
WOULD YOU LET ME BUY YOU DINNER?
- UM, SURE.
AS LONG AS IT'S NO SOMEWHERE CRAPPY.
- SHE ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF
DAY AND NIGHT.
- SO WHERE DO I SIGN?
- OH, RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW, SUMMER,
JUSTIN'S JUST A COPRODUCER
ON THIS FILM.
I'M THE REAL PRODUCER.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
WE SHOULD TOTALLY, LIKE,
HANG OUT SOMETIME
AND TALK ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER,
MAYBE SOME FUTURE PROJECTS.
- I WOULD LOVE THAT.
- THAT'D BE GREAT.
POOR JUSTIN.
SOMEONE HAD TO PROVE HIM WRONG.
- HERE'S MY NUMBER
RIGHT NEXT TO THE "CALL ME."
- THANKS.
- HEY, SUMMER, LOOKING GREAT.
- THANKS.
- TOLD YOU.
- TOLD ME WHAT?
- SHE JUST WANTS
TO ADVANCE HER CAREER, MAN.
"CALL ME."
- THAT'S AWESOME.
- HOW IS THAT AWESOME?
- 'CAUSE IT MEANS SHE'S EASY.
THE WAY TO HER HEAR IS THROUGH HER CAREER?
I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
- IS HE GOING FOR HER HEAR
OR HER VAGINA?
JUST LOOKING OUT, BRO.
- PROGRESS IN MOTION.
[train whistle toots]
[steam hissing]
[deep percussive music]
NORMALLY A TABLE READ
IS AT THE BEGINNING OF A MOVIE,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE MAKING
A DOCUMENTARY
ABOUT A MOVIE
WITH A NONEXISTENT SCREENPLAY,
IT'S AT THE END,
SUCH AS THIS CASE.
- DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU WEARING?
- MOVIE STAR STUFF.
YOU LIKE IT?
- NO.
- OH, BUT IT'S OKAY
WHEN YOU WEAR IT?
- YEAH, AT, LIKE, A RED CARPE OR PREMIER,
NOT A TABLE READ.
AND WHEN I WEAR THAT SHIT,
I MAKE IT LOOK GOOD.
- WHATEVER.
I FEEL COOL.
- HEY, WHATEVER TICKLES
YOUR TINY PICKLE, MAN.
SO THIS IS YOUR PLACE, BEN?
- YES, SIR.
- COOL.
AND WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?
[deep percussive music]
- I HIRED SOME MORE FAKE PEOPLE.
I'M GOING FOR THEATRICS.
- I GUESS I'M THE ART DIRECTOR.
- HAIR AND MAKEUP.
- SOMEONE SAID THE DIRECTOR
NEEDED AN ASSISTANT.
- OKAY, AND THAT GUY?
- I'M WHAT YOU CALL
A SECOND SHOOTER.
I GOT HERE IN NO TIME
AND AT THE RIGHT PRICE.
I'M RILEY SACKS, THE FASTES SECOND SHOOTER IN THE WEST.
[imitates gunshot]
CALL RILEY SACKS
ANY TIME, ANY WAY,
AND HE'LL BE THERE
WITH A CAMERA
FASTER THAN YOU
CAN SAY TUMBLEWEED.
DON'T BE A JACK.
CALL RILEY SACKS,
THE FASTEST SECOND SHOOTER
IN THE WEST.
VERY FAIR PRICES,
PREMIUM QUALITY.
DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE
FOR PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
- I TOLD HIM TO FOCUS
MAINLY ON MY CLOSE-UPS.
ding!
- [laughing]
- HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- ROSS JUST FELL
COMING UP THE STAIRS.
- YEAH, I BE YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED I
IF I FELL FLAT ON MY FACE, TOO,
WOULDN'T YOU?
- YEAH.
- UH-HUH?
- [laughs]
- THOSE TWO
WERE MAKING ME SICK
THE WHOLE DRIVE HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GE THIS SHIT OVER WITH.
WHAT'S THE PLAN?
- THERE REALLY ISN'T A PLAN.
WELL, KATIE IS GONNA
HAND OUT THE SCRIPTS.
- BUT I THOUGH THERE WASN'T A SCRIPT.
- IT'S FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT,
RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
GOOD DOCUMENTARIES
REQUIRE GOOD DRAMA.
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I HAVE HAD I
WITH THIS LITTLE GAME
OF A PROJECT.
- DUDE, WHAT IS UP YOUR ASS?
- NOTHING, OBVIOUSLY.
- OH, I GET IT.
GROSS.
- YOU'RE JUST PISSED
BECAUSE TRENT QUIT.
- OH, I'M OVER THAT.
NOW I JUST WANT TO GET BACK ON
WITH MY LIFE.
- THE CAST WILL BE HERE
IN A FEW MINUTES.
- WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS.
DOES ANYONE REALIZE
WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO DO?
- HUH?
- WE'RE HUGE LIARS.
- I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF
AS MORE OF A CREATIVE CONCOCTER.
IT'S JUST A LITTLE WHITE LIE.
- NO. NO. NO.
THIS IS BIG.
THIS IS, LIKE, A RED LIE.
- THERE'S DIFFERENT COLORS
OF LIES?
- FUCK YEAH, THERE IS.
THERE'S, LIKE, 12 OF THEM.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
A PINK LIE HAS TO DO WITH SEX,
LIKE IF YOU MAKE UP SOME STORY
ABOUT SOME SLU
LETTING YOU JIZZ
ALL OVER HER FACE.
- HE'S RIGHT.
LOOK IT UP.
- AND THEN THERE'S BLUE,
WHICH MEANS--
- STOP!
JUST STOP TALKING NONSENSE.
- THE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HERE
ANY SECOND.
WE'RE ABOUT WRITE OURSELVES OU AS FUCKING BULLSHITTERS.
- SHIT.
HE'S RIGHT.
- WE CAN'T DO THIS.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE MY GIRL.
- FUCK, I DO TOO, GUYS.
I DON'T--
- SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD ACTUALLY
MAKE THIS MOVIE.
- OH, HELL NO.
- THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING
ALL THIS TIME.
- NO, GUYS.
WE CAN'T.
WE DON'T HAVE A SCRIPT.
- WELL, WE HAVE
ALL THESE BLANK ONES.
- I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
FUCK.
FUCK, THIS ISN'T GOOD.
- HEY, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
- NO.
NO, IT'S NOT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA SAY?
- I'M HERE.
- I JUST CAME
TO WATCH THE EXPLOSION.
[explosion booms]
- I AM SO GLAD THAT EVERYONE
WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT.
KATIE, PLEASE GO AHEAD
AND PASS OUT THE SCRIPTS.
- CERTAINLY.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO ONE OPEN THEM.
NO ONE OPEN THEM,
NOT YET.
- TICK, TOCK, TICK, TOCK.
- OKAY, EVERYONE TURN
TO THE FIRST PAGE,
AND LET'S BEGIN.
YES, JORDAN?
- MY PAGES ARE BLANK.
- YEAH, MINE ARE TOO.
- SO ARE MINE.
- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
THAT'S BECAUSE
THERE IS NO SCRIPT.
- WHAT?
- HUH?
- UM, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO IMPROV?
I WON AN IMPROV
COMPETITION ONCE.
- NOPE.
NO IMPROV.
NO SCRIPT.
NO STORY AT ALL,
FOR THAT MATTER.
- UM, I DON'T GET IT.
- THERE IS NO
BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
- I DON'T GET IT EITHER.
- WE'RE NOT ACTUALLY
STARTING A MOVIE.
WE'RE FINISHING A MOVIE
RIGHT NOW,
AND YOU ALL WERE THE STARS.
- WE ARE?
- YEP.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ALL HAVE BEEN FANTASTIC.
IN FACT, YOU STILL ARE.
THE CAMERAS ARE STILL ROLLING.
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB.
- CHASE, WHAT THE FUCK
IS GOING ON?
- IT'S A DOCUMENTARY, JORDAN.
I'M GONNA CALL IT AMERICAN LIE.
IT'S ABOUT A GROUP OF GUYS
WHO HOLD A FAKE CASTING SESSION
SO WE CAN MEET, MINGLE, AND DATE
THE GIRLS OF OUR DREAMS.
IT'S LIKE A REAL
AMERICAN PIE STORY...
SURE TO BE A CULT CLASSIC.
- [sighs]
- YES, CALVIN?
- PARKER LIKES COUNTRY MUSIC.
- [sighs]
- CLASSIC.
[noisy guitar chord]
YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGH THIS DOCUMENTARY
WOULD TURN INTO
A ROMANTIC COMEDY,
BUT IN A WEIRD WAY,
IT KIND OF DID.
ALTHOUGH, IN REAL LIFE,
SOME ENDINGS ARE GOOD,
AND SOME ARE NOT SO GOOD.
- HEY, ALEX.
AUSTIN.
JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.
HEY, ALEX.
I WOULD JUST REALLY LIKE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
AUSTIN AGAIN.
LISTEN.
IT'S ME AGAIN.
JUST GIVE ME A CALL BACK
WHEN YOU GET THIS.
[sighs]
- SUCKS FOR AUSTIN.
ALEX NEVER TALKED
TO HIM AGAIN.
BEN GOT IT EVEN WORSE, THOUGH.
NOT ONLY DID HE LOSE
ANY AND ALL CHANCE
HE MIGHT HAVE HAD WITH DALLAS,
BUT SHE'S SUING HIM.
AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR BEN,
HE'S THE SOLE PRODUCER.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE
THE LAWYERS ARE ATTACKING.
- [chuckles]
- CHASE AND JORDAN
GOT BACK TOGETHER.
FUNNY.
I THOUGHT SHE'D BE
THE MOST PISSED OF THEM ALL.
- I JUST HATED SEEING HIM
WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
- OH, I HATED BEING
WITH ANYBODY BUT YOU.
- 'CAUSE I'M THE BEST SEX
YOU'VE EVER HAD, RIGHT?
- OH, THERE'S NO COMPARISON.
YEAH, MAN.
I'VE MISSED YOUR BODY.
[rock music]
- OH, FUCK, YOU MAKE ME WET.
- UH, GUYS?
GUYS?
- HOW ABOUT THIS CUTE STORY?
- I'M JUST GLAD
THIS LITTLE PROJEC
BROUGHT US TOGETHER.
- YOU ARE SO SWEET.
- NO, YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- NO, YOU'RE SWEETER.
- NO, YOU'RE SWEETER.
- NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST.
- NO, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST.
- [giggles]
- NAUSEATING, RIGHT?
AND THEN THERE'S PARKER'S TRUTH.
- YES.
I ADMIT IT.
I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC.
IS THAT SO WRONG?
DOES IT REALLY
MAKE ME THAT AWFUL?
I CAN STILL BE A DARK
AND MOODY ARTIS
ANY TIME I WANT.
SO WHAT IF I LIKE IT?
I LOVE IT.
I WANT SOME MORE OF IT.
- AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT'S MY OUTCOME?
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY
SUMMER WAS THRILLED
TO BE IN MY MOVIE.
SHE REALLY DIDN'T CARE
ABOUT THE BLOODY SLUMBER PARTY.
SHE JUST WANTED TO STAR
IN A MOVIE.
AND SHE DID,
MY MOVIE, THIS MOVIE.
AND NOW SHE THINKS
I'M BRILLIANT.
- BRILLIANT?
- WHAT?
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
- BABE, TURN OFF THE CAMERA,
AND COME BACK TO BED.
- I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL
AN AMERICAN STORY
IT STARTS WITH A LIE
OR TWO OR THREE
THREE MEN ARE SO VERY LONELY
LOOKING FOR A GIRL
OR TWO OR THREE
THE ONLY WAY FOR HIM
TO SCORE A HOTTIE
TO ROPE A GUY MODEL
AND LAME, OLD FRIENDS
AND CAST THE PERFECT GIRL
INTO A MOVIE
AND WRITE IN A KISS
OR TWO OR THREE
IT MAKES ME GLAD
FOR EVERY LAD
IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS
TO SCORE A HOTTIE
HEY
[jaunty punk rock music]
THERE'S MORE TO THIS STORY
THAN MEETS THE EYE
IT ONLY STARTED
WITH A SINGLE LIE
BUT SOONER OR LATER
IT WILL KILL YOU
TO HELL WITH YOUR SOUL,
OH, YOU WILL DIE
HELL'S NO PLACE
FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE
BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN
TO SCORE A HOTTIE
HEY
IF YOU'RE OF THE FEW
WHO HAVE SURVIVED
TO THE LADS MARCHING ONWARD
THROUGH THE NIGHT
THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS
YOU'RE ALIVE
BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL
AND DO HER RIGHT
AND BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL
AND DO HER RIGHT
AND BE SURE TO TREAT HER WELL
AND DO HER RIGHT
AND YES, HEY
HELL'S NO PLACE
FOR YOUR SOUL TO WASTE
BUT YOU STILL NEED TO LEARN
TO SCORE A HOTTIE
IT MAKES ME GLAD
FOR EVERY LAD
IT'S THE DAY WHEN HE LEARNS
TO SCORE A HOTTIE
- MY AMERICAN
ALL-AMERICAN GIRL
[pop punk music]
FOR YOU, YOU KNOW I WOULD
GET OU OF A LOT OF THE WORLD
I GOT A STORY
THAT I KNOW YOU WILL LOVE
OH, OH, OH-OH WHOA
SO HERE WE GO
LIKE A SHOW
I'MA BLOW YOU AWAY
WITH MY AMERICAN LIE
ANYTHING CAN BE BOUGH
NOTHING'S OUT OF LINE
IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE
EVERYTHING I EVER NEED
GETTING FROM OUR LIE
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO
IF I FELT YOU
WOULD REALLY LIKE ME FOR ME
IT'S MY AMERICAN LIE
THE ONLY WAY I CATCH A RIDE
COME AND TAKE A RIDE
ON MY AMERICAN LIE
[rumbling]