# Oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumper! #
Well, friends, colleagues,
and royal bird-watchers,
I am very honoured to be invited here today
to tell you the incredible story
of my last expedition.
May I have the first slide, please?
And here we are,
two weeks out on safari.
Already deep into the interior
and already treading ground
that no White man had ever trod before.
Yuck!
Umballa.
- Elephant droppings, boss.
- We'll have to make another detour.
What is it? Why have we stopped?
You see all that? Elephants.
- I didn't think it was ours.
- What is it, Professor?
- Sh...
- Please, not in front of the ladies.
I was going to ask her to keep quiet. Sh!
- Oh, pardon me.
- Dear, dear, dear.
Isn't it safe to go on?
It's risky with elephants about,
unless they have cows with them.
- On the other hand, it could be all bulls.
- Coming from you, that wouldn't surprise me.
We've trekked far enough
for today, anyway. Upsidasi.
- What?
- Scout around, find camp site.
- Lookadikki?
- Dikkinookie, boss.
- What's all this dukkanikki-nukki stuff?
- That's Banga-banga talk.
I hope he hurries,
otherwise I'm going to be ickie-dickie.
Dear, dear, dear!
- June, my lavender water, please.
- Yes, milady.
- I'm afraid you've dropped one, Lady Bagley.
- I beg your pardon?
Oh, yes, of course!
It's a great pleasure to be of service, ma'am.
After all, we have travelled together
Yes, I know that, Mr Chumley, but I shall not
be requiring a 1,000-mile service, thank you.
Boss, boss, I've found a good camp site
there, boss. Big water hole.
- Fine. Drinkable?
- Hippopotamus there. They seem to like OK.
- Good.
- Hippopotamus? I'm not drinking after them.
Why not? They'd only be bathing in it.
If you had ever been in for a bathe,
you'd know why not.
You're too fussy, Professor.
Go ahead, I'll bring the women.
Very well.
Right in it.
Excuse me, Mr Boosey, but Her Ladyship
was wondering if she could have her shower.
Yes, certainly. Upsidasi, make shower tent
to make water over White lady.
Boss. Giri, Lamadi,
bagalo mansi por zulu upfasi.
Thank you.
Doesn't it bother you, being out here
in the jungle among a lot of men?
- Men have never bothered me, Mr Boosey.
- You must be joking.
Kika, kika. Umballa kuruwa.
- Evening, ma'am.
- Good evening, Mr Boosey.
Enjoying the safari, ma'am?
Immensely. Though I am a bit disappointed
we've not seen any monkeys so far.
You won't. They're very busy.
It's the mating season.
Oh, I see. Would they come if I threw them
some peanuts, do you think?
Would you?
That is a very big one you have there,
is it not, Mr Boosey?
Eh? Oh, this! Yes, well,
I'm going hunting, you see.
- I'll see if I can bag something for supper.
- I see. Game?
Any time, if you are.
- Well, er, I really must go.
- Yeah, well, they're all ready for you.
- If you'll excuse me.
- Certainly, ma'am.
Boss, look, there he goes.
- Get him, boss.
- Hold that, quick!
Did I get him?
No, boss. You aim good
but him in the wrong place.
- Where's he gone?
- He's gone into cover, boss.
There he is!
Give me that.
No, you twit!
Milady, your shower is ready.
Thank you, June.
I shall require you to pour as usual.
Yes, milady.
Well, I do hope that elephant doesn't stain,
that's all.
Dear, dear, dear, dear!
I'm beginning to wish
we hadn't started on this trip.
Every step one takes is fraught.
And, what is more,
we haven't spotted one rare bird yet.
It's not good enough, Chumley.
We must keep a sharper lookout.
Oh, don't worry, Professor.
I'm doing that all right, sir.
Cor!
Chumley, what are you looking at?
Oh, nothing, Professor. Nothing at all, sir.
Well, you must be looking at something.
Your rear was positively agog.
Oh. Oh, well, I um, er...
just thought, sir, that I'd spotted
the golden-crested tit, sir.
Ooh, impossible!
You don't find golden-crested tits here in Africa.
An occasional black one maybe.
Oh, of course. You're quite right, sir.
I was mistaken, sir.
- Yes, well, let me have a look. Where is it?
- No, I shouldn't bother if I were you, sir.
Where?
I can't see anything.
Oooh!
Well, yes!
That is definitely something.
Really, sir? What?
Oh, well, I can't put a name to it, actually.
It was just a quick flash of tail.
- Really? Let me have a look...
- Er...
It's gone now. It's gone into the jungle.
I tell you what. Look, you take these binoculars
and go and look for it.
- I don't think I should go outside just now, sir.
- Oh?
Lady Bagley will be... taking her shower.
Will she? Oh!
Well, I hadn't realised that. Oh, dear.
Well, we can't embarrass her, can we?
Poor soul.
I... could, of course, keep my eyes averted, sir.
Spoken like a true gentleman, Chumley.
Go and avert. Go on, off you go.
Now, round the back of the tent -
and don't let her see you now.
Oooh!
Oooh! Ooooh...
That's enough. You're getting too excited.
Take something, man. Take something. What?
No.
What's this?
Picket's Muscular Elixir.
Eases stiffness.
Just the thing.
Cor!
Dakka!
Oko pyopo, oko pyopo.
All right, patch him up
and break out a can of corned beef.
- Inkosa.
- June, hurry up with the water, please.
You shouldn't be carrying
heavy things like that.
- Oh, but Her Ladyship wants it.
- Don't worry, she's going to get it. Have a rest.
There's a good girl.
- June, are you there?
- Yes, milady.
Well, rinse me off, will you, please?
Ah!
Cor!
That's enough, thank you. Now,
bring the towel and rub me down, will you?
Ah. Mmm.
June! June!
June, where are you?
That's funny.
My turn.
Excuse me.
Ini loin daba.
Big White hunter!
Big White tin-opener.
Thank you, June. I shall not require you
any more. You may take the evening off.
In the middle of the jungle? Big deal!
Good evening, Mr Boosey.
Good evening, ma'am. Just checking supplies.
I haven't had an opportunity to thank you
for scaring off that gorilla.
That was nothing. You're all right
as long as the gorilla keeps chasing you.
When he stops and does that,
you've got to worry.
- What does that mean?
- When you go to find out why he's doing it,
he grabs hold of you, you see, like that.
They like to crush people to death.
Then they like to get a good grip on...
...anything handy and give a good squeeze.
- Oh, I see.
And then what do they do?
Then they nuzzle into the neck, see?
And start nibbling.
Oh. Well, why do they do that?
To keep your mind off
what their hands are doing.
Ahem!
Good evening, Professor.
Mr Boosey was showing me what happens
when a gorilla gets a crush on one.
Yes, I could see he was
up to some monkey business.
Ha-ha! Very good, that.
Grub'll be up in a minute. I'd better go
and have a wash. If you'll excuse me?
Of course.
- Look at them rings. Aren't they whoppers?
- I have a matching pair as well.
Don't think I hadn't noticed that.
Oh, he's so vulgar! So vulgar!
As a matter of fact,
I find his bluntness rather refreshing.
My dear Lady Bagley, we must face up to it.
The man is simply not a gentleman.
I understand he sleeps in his vest.
Oh, but sleeping in just a vest
displays a sense of individuality, surely?
It displays a great deal more than that!
- What on earth do you mean, Professor?
- I mean that a man like that
would stoop at nothing,
would go to any lengths to achieve his ends.
- Do you really think so, Professor?
- I'm sure of it.
I'm sure of it, my dear Lady Bagley.
You are too trusting.
Out here in the wilds, as we are,
and coming into close contact with each other,
day after day,
it only needs a glimpse of creamy skin,
a hint of milky thigh.
Why, Professor,
you make me sound like a dairy product.
Well, yes, you do remind me
of something in an English meadow.
What?
A babbling brook.
Sparkling, inviting, and so beautifully cool.
Well, I'm very cool now.
Night draws on, you know.
Oh, how sensible of you to bring a pair.
Dinner is served.
Allow me, ma'am.
Thank you, Mr Chumley.
Well, Mr Boosey, you may have dinner served.
Upsidasi, bung on the grub!
Oh, common as muck!
Tell me, Mr Boosey,
what have you bagged for us tonight?
This? This is what we call fricassee
of fully-grown African lion.
Is it? Delightful!
Isn't that rather dangerous,
shooting lions, Mr Boosey?
Oh, not half. Take this one here. When I come
across him, he was having fun with a lioness.
If there's one thing that drives a lion mad,
it's being disturbed when he's with a lioness.
Oh. Do they charge?
Oh, no, they do it for love.
What is your sport, Professor?
I don't think I've seen you shooting.
No, no, I get my pleasure in other ways.
Oh, really?
Professor Tinkle is an ornithologist.
Actually, I'm fascinated by rare and exotic birds.
Aren't we all?
Yes, my last expedition was to the Virgin Isles.
It was there that we discovered
the rare species of the frigate bird.
- The what bird?
- Frigate. Frigate!
- Now, now. Language!
- Now, you listen here...
What is that?
Probably a frigate hyena.
Let's have a bit of fun with him.
That'll shake him.
Lady Bagley, now you know why we are here,
won't you tell us what brings
a beautiful lady like yourself here to Africa?
Well, before I tell you,
I would like to show you something
that I have in here.
Oh, no, don't bother. I always say,
when you've seen one, you've seen them all.
I promise you, Professor,
you've never seen one like this before.
That is a picture of my little baby boy.
Lying there on the rug,
playing with his wee engine.
I must tell you that
soon after little Cecil was born,
my husband brought us out here
on our honeymoon.
It was a delayed honeymoon, of course.
Well, of course.
A lady like yourself would never make
the mistake of putting the cart before the horse.
- Or the club before the pudding.
- Will you spare us the clinical details?
Thank you. Pray continue, my dear.
One morning,
out here in the wilds of the interior,
my husband took our baby for his usual walkies.
And they never came back.
How ghastly, ma'am.
Soon afterwards, while searching
along the banks of the Limpopo River,
our bearers shot a crocodile.
And there, in its stomach,
was my dear husband's fob watch.
How very terrible! And the baby?
On the bank, close by, was his nappy.
Clean?
I'm afraid not.
- And so near to the Limpopo, too.
- But surely, ma'am,
after all this time, there's no hope?
Oh, no, but you see,
we never did find his nappy pin.
And it would be something to remember him by.
Argh! Ooh!
Africa is so very romantic.
I never get tired of listening
to the strange noises.
Burp!
- Must you do that always?
- Do what?
Emit air in that disgusting fashion.
Well, what else can I do with it?
Better than sneaking it out in other ways.
Mr Chumley, please don't worry on my account.
Let us just sit quietly and enjoy the night.
Is there something wrong, my dear?
No.
No, no, no, it's quite all right.
A little more?
I don't mind.
Of course.
Lovely, isn't it?
I... can't say I'm enjoying it, Mr Chumley.
- What? But you just said...
- How dare you!
Lady Bagley, what have I done?
You know perfectly well...
Oh...
Excuse me!
- I wonder what's up with her?
- Well, I don't know.
But whatever it is, it's certainly
rubbing her up the wrong way.
Oooh!
Oooooh!
All right, we'll rest here.
Akuna hama.
Bagalo, okura buzuru. Okura humbalaba. Taka.
Dear Lady Bagley,
did you see the giraffes just now?
Yes, I did. Quaint things.
I wonder why it is they have such long necks.
Well, it's quite simple. It's because
their heads are so far away from their bodies.
You know, I would never have thought of that.
You're so very knowledgeable, Professor.
Oh, it's observation, really.
I wonder if perhaps you could help me.
Do you know anything
about the habits of snakes?
Habits?
Yes. I mean, what do they do?
Well, strangely enough,
I've often wondered that myself.
Because they're exactly the same
all the way down, aren't they?
They don't seem to have the wherewithals.
- The wherewithals to what?
- Well, I mean,
they don't... if... I mean, er...
They're lacking...
Did you see the giraffes just now?
Yes, I did. But what I wanted to know was,
if one came in close contact with a snake,
could it harm one?
That would depend on the snake.
There is a brown one, the African viper,
which is very deadly.
- Oh, no, this one was definitely green.
- Ah.
And it sort of moved like that.
Ah, that would be the vindscreen viper,
quite harmless.
What's that?
- Quiet, everyone!
- Tutubera.
Well, Upsidasi, what do those drums say?
They say...
bum-diddi, bum-diddi, bum, bum, bum.
- I know that! What does it mean?
- How should I know, boss?
- Fat lot of use you are! Let's get moving.
- OK, boss. Hamalapa.
Taka! Hamalapa!
- What's the matter with them?
- I go to see, boss.
I wish he would go to sea.
He's no flippin' use on land.
Inendaba!
Inafina hay kulambawamba.
No fuma wamba.
No me kiwe buana ina blenechenawena.
- Well?
- They don't want to go on, boss.
I say that we must go on. They say no, I say yes.
- So now it is settled.
- Good lad.
Yes, boss. We go on, they stay.
How can we go on without them?
Who's going to carry all the supplies?
They're very frightened, boss. They say those
are the drums of a very bad tribe - the Noshas.
- The Noshas?
- Very bad tribe, boss.
Very savage. They eat people. Very backward.
Well, they're not eating me backwards.
Of course not. What a load of rubbish!
What makes them think they eat people?
Well, they say that the first drum says,
"Lay the table. Dinner on the way. "
And the second drum says, "Yummy, yummy. "
Perhaps it would be better if we don't go.
Yes. After all, this does seem
a good place to set up camp.
Not on your nelly. I am not being scared off
by a lot of silly, superstitious native talk.
They don't call me Rattlesnake Bill for nothing.
Now, you listen to me, you bunch of lily-livered
jackals! We are not staying here.
Put up the tents double-quick.
Faka som kike zuru. Kaka! Ka, ka, ka!
Boss! Boss, boss!
Listen, boss. The drums have stopped.
I know that. They stopped hours ago.
Why don't you tell me something I don't know?
The women of the Ubangi tribe, boss,
stuff the bones of the buffalo up their nose.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm telling you something you don't know.
- Go and get the beaters. We're going hunting.
- Dikkinookie.
Mr Boosey?
Yes, miss? What is it?
- The drums have stopped.
- Get away.
I wondered if it would be safe for me
to go for a walk. Would anything happen?
You could walk starkers through a Foreign
Legion outpost and nothing would happen.
Thank you.
Boss, boss! I got the beaters, boss.
Oh, cor blimey!
It's like trying to have a bit on an ants' nest.
All right, come on. Let's get going.
All clear for us to do some bird-spotting
if you like, sir.
Oh, no, no. You go, Chumley.
I have some paperwork to do.
All right, sir.
How lovely!
Ow-oooooh!
Ooh, aren't you lovely?
It's all right. You're safe.
Who are you?
Where do you come from?
Ug...
Don't you understand?
Don't you speak English?
Ug ug...
Or perhaps you've lived all your life
in the jungle?
Haven't you ever seen a woman before?
Obviously not.
Tell me, what is your name?
Name?
Look, me June.
June.
Understand?
June, June.
No! No, not those.
This June.
Understand?
June.
That's right.
Now, then, what is your name?
Ug...
Ug?
Oh! That's an unusual name.
That called a... a chest.
Chest.
- Chest!
- Good.
It's all right, it's nothing to be afraid of.
No, no, I know yours isn't like that,
but you're different from me, you see.
I'm a woman.
Woman.
That's right.
Woman.
No, no, no. Me woman.
Look, I'll show you.
See? Woman like that.
No, no, that's a man. A woman doesn't have a...
I mean a... Oh, dear,
this is going to be very difficult.
Woman.
That's it.
Chest.
That's right.
- Man.
- No!
Oh, dear. Perhaps we'd better start
with something simpler.
Water.
Wa-ter.
- Water.
- Good.
Now, swim.
Water. Swim.
Water.
No! No, no, I didn't mean I wanted to swim.
I, I...
Oh, well, I don't know, perhaps it would be nice.
You'll just have to wait for a moment.
I'll get some of these clothes off.
Ready!
Great Scott!
Oh, it's...
Is it g...
Oh!
Oh!
Kiss.
Kiss.
No. We're supposed to do it together.
Like this.
That's Mr Boosey, that bang.
I must go back.
Kiss. Kiss woman.
No, no, I can't now.
I tell you what, come here tonight. After dark.
Oh, dear. Here, look.
Look. Here...
Night-time. Understand?
Sh! You don't have to tell everybody.
Here, night-time.
Oh, dear. You must go now.
That's Mr Boosey, that bang.
Here, night-time, bang.
Yes, yes, yes, but for goodness' sakes, go!
My clothes, where are they?
Haka, haka!
Miningi stuta.
What I can't understand is, why is it always
the same fella that keeps getting in the way?
He's very stupid, boss. He got no gun sense.
He run right across in front of you.
Well, try and patch him up
and break out another can of corned beef.
Boss.
What on earth's happened to that poor fellow?
Terrible thing, terrible. He was out beating
up front, come across this mad elephant.
- Mad elephant?
- Nothing more dangerous than a mad elephant.
Are you sure it was a mad elephant?
He's been shot.
Yeah, well, have you ever seen
a sane elephant using a gun?
Professor!
Professor, look!
Look what I've found.
Oh, I can't believe it!
- Is it...
- It can't be!
- It isn't?
- It is.
- It is!
- It is.
- It is what, for Pete's sake?
- This is the tail feather from the oozulum bird.
- Have you gone potty? It's extinct.
- You've heard that story, too, have you?
I never did believe that story.
It's based on a physical impossibility.
No, never.
Of course,
the tail feather could have dropped off
just before it disappeared up its...
But still, all the same.
Argh!
Lady Bagley, whatever's the matter?
You look so wan.
I... I... I've just had the most terrible experience.
There was this savage with a spear
and he, he... prodded me.
- Where?
- In the bottom.
- No, no, where was the savage?
- I'm trying to tell you.
In the bottom of a little ravine.
Oh, what a filthy swine!
That sort of conduct makes me so mad.
- If only I had a gun.
- There we are.
Oh, yes, thank you so much.
Now, that's better!
Now what?
He's dead, boss.
Oh, dear! I do hope it's nothing serious.
Wait a minute, what's this?
Finder, please return. Property of Nosha tribe.
Huta!
Huta, huta!
Come back! Come back, you scum!
Huta! Paratuwi!
Well, that's that. We won't see them again.
You mean that we're left alone out here?
Yep. By morning, they'll be halfway home.
Oh...
Please help us, someone! Please help!
Man.
Woman. Water.
Tent.
Night.
Kiss.
Bang.
Oh...
Oh, no, you don't, you naughty boy.
Where do you expect me to go? You should
have made sure the toilets were put up.
That is no excuse. One of the first laws
of the jungle is no widdling in the camp area.
But you can't expect me to go into
the jungle. What if the Noshas see me?
- They'll get a nasty shock, won't they?
- You...
Evening, ma'am. Going somewhere?
Yes, I'm afraid I have to, Mr Boosey.
Pity. Well, don't go too far.
Cos if there's any Noshas about,
they'll find you a sitting target,
if you know what I mean.
Yes, well, I'll stay within calling distance,
of course.
Yes, do that. I'll be here.
And if you call me,
don't think I won't come running. Cos I won't.
Oh, blimey, another one. Excuse me, miss.
Looking for something?
No, er...
I was just going back to the pool, Mr Boosey.
- I think I remember now where I left my clothes.
- Oh, good. I'll come with you.
No, I'm sure that won't be necessary,
thank you, Mr Boosey.
I think I'd better. It's not safe for a pretty young
girl like you to be walking about alone.
Fada? Fada?
I'm going scouting. You keep watch. Lookadikki?
Sure, boss.
Dikkinookie.
Evelyn!
Lady Bagley, I'm terribly sorry. I thought...
No.
Why should I lie? I'm not sorry, I adore you.
I've been longing to take you in my arms.
Mr Chumley, kindly remove
your person from my person.
I can't. Oh, Your Ladyship, Evelyn...
This is Africa, a land of unbridled passions.
Let's get our bridles off.
Mr Chumley, I am aware of our geographical
position, not to mention our physical one,
but I must point out to you that there is a time
and a place for everything, even unharnessing.
What? Ah, you're right, of course.
Not here, eh?
Later, I'll come to you.
- Give us a kiss to be going on with, girl.
- No! Argh!
- Oooh!
- Aw!
Never mind "Aw!" What are you doing, eh?
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
- Professor, I was just...
- No, don't tell me.
I'm flabbergasted.
My gast has never been so flabbered.
- But I can explain, sir, really.
- No, no, I don't need your explanation.
I know what's been going on. You don't spend
a lifetime studying the habits of birds
without learning something, you know.
Enough!
Back to your tent at once, you libertine.
- Libertine?
- Yes! Libertine!
- But, sir, Evelyn...
- Who?
- No, I mean Her Ladyship.
- Oh, her. Yes.
Don't worry, I'll escort her back to the camp.
Very good, sir.
Oi!
Ooh!
Really. I must apologise
for the outrageous conduct of my assistant.
You see, he will not take his tablets.
Why, Professor,
I do believe you're the tiniest bit jealous.
Yes... Er? Oh, no!
Well, well, I mean...
You see, after all, I am his chief.
And if there are any perks going...
I mean, if there's any spare knocking about - no!
I think I know what you mean, Inigo.
- Take me now.
- Yeah... Pardon?
- Back to the camp.
- Oh. Yes!
Of course, yes. Allow me.
Don't worry, darling.
If there's anything there, I'll find it.
- He isn't here.
- Who?
I mean, they aren't here - my clothes.
Oh. Yeah, well, you don't want to worry
about that. You look very tasty as you are.
Well, I think I'll stay for a while, just in case.
You go back, please, Mr Boosey.
Not on your nelly.
Come on, I'll see you back to camp.
- All right, then.
- Come on.
I'm sure you'll be all right now.
I hope so, Professor. Though I must say,
I tremble at the thought of sleeping alone.
Oh, I know how you feel.
I don't fancy it myself.
One would feel so much safer
with a strong, fearless man beside one.
Oh, I agree,
but where could we find one out here?
Professor, I don't suppose you would consider...
That is, I mean, would you...
- Yes?
- No, no, it's unthinkable.
Um, Lady Bagley,
I wonder if you would think I was presuming if I...
Could you see your way clear
- to letting me...
- Yes?
Oh, no, no, it's unprintable.
Well, of course, in the ordinary way,
it would be quite wrong.
But, of course, these are
rather exceptional circumstances.
- Are they not?
- Oh, they are, they are.
I mean, there is my reputation to think of.
You would need to be very circumspect.
Oh, I was, when I was a baby.
I mean, people might not think
that you were in my tent purely to protect me,
- might they?
- Oh, definitely, they might not.
They might jump to the wrong conclusions,
might they not?
Oh, they might, they might.
But, of course, we could wait
until they were all asleep,
- could one not?
- Oh, one could, one could.
Professor, how clever of you to think of that.
Oh, it was nothing.
Till later, then, Inigo.
Ooh!
Oh. Mmm.
Well, here we are, all safe and sound.
Thank you, Mr Boosey.
And good night.
Are you sure you won't be nervous
sleeping in a tent all by yourself?
Oh, no.
Well, if you should be,
you're quite welcome to come to mine.
Thanks, Mr Boosey, but I don't think
anything's going to happen to me.
Pity. I've got a fair set of trophies
I'd like to show you.
Good night.
This just isn't my safari.
- Oi!
- Huta?
- It's all right, it's me. Anything to report?
- No, boss.
I'm turning in. Just keep your eyes open.
Lookadikki?
Dikkinookie, boss.
Who's there?
Ug!
Oh, thank goodness!
I thought you weren't coming.
Sh! Don't make a noise, or they'll hear you.
Come over here and sit down beside me.
That's it.
Now, then, I'll teach you some more words.
Now, this thing I'm lying on is called a bed.
Ug! Give me your hand, let me hold your hand.
There, that's better. Now, then.
Oh.
Aren't you hairy?
Oh...
Oh, all right, then, you can cuddle me if you like.
Oh, what long arms you've got!
Is that you?
- Don't make a noise. I think June is still awake.
- June!
Yes. Sh! I'm over here, come on.
Woman. Kiss.
Well, you don't waste much time, do you?
You mustn't rush me, Professor, you know?
I'm not...
Well, well...
Professor! You haven't got anything on.
Water. Swim.
Man. Woman. Bang!
What? What are you talking about?
Just... just a moment.
Oh...
How do you do?
I don't think we've been introduced.
No, don't go, don't go.
I'm not going to hurt you.
Now, tell me about yourself.
Do you come here often?
Ug!
That's enough! If you can't behave yourself
better than that, I'm turning the light up.
It's not that I'm a prude, but...
Agh!
Hello. Changed your mind, have you?
Don't faint now. Wait till after.
Oh, blimey.
Ug...
Don't you talk any English at all?
Woman. Kiss.
I must say, you're very persistent.
All right, then,
if you promise to be a very good boy.
- Ug!
- No, don't go!
Poor boy, he'll catch his death.
Oh, my baby!
Oooh!
My baby! My baby boy!
- It never rains but it pours.
- Mr Boosey...
Why do I always have that effect on 'em?
Hello?
What's he up to?
Evelyn?
Evelyn, it's Inigo.
Evelyn.
You're not asleep, are you?
Oh, you're only pretending, aren't you?
Naughty!
I heard you moving about just now.
Oh, Evelyn.
You're shy, aren't you?
Oh, Evelyn.
This is not just... the beast in me, you know?
Evelyn.
Oh, Evelyn...
Oh, I... I know we're all animals under the skin.
Yes! Even you.
Very well.
She's not the only pebble on the beach.
Miss June?
Miss June, it's me.
Claude Chumley. I want to... speak with you.
June?
It's all right. Look, I'm not going to harm you.
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
Bull's-eye!
Ooh, Evelyn.
Ooh, what bliss!
Oh, that... that exotic perfume.
And the feel... of your soft, hairy skin.
Hairy skin? But...
Stay there! Don't move.
Excuse me.
Yaaargh!
Aaargh!
- Huta?
- All right, I'll take watch. You get some sleep.
- Thanks, boss.
- Oh, what a night.
- Blimey, my head!
- That's not your head, boss.
That's the Nosha drums.
You're right.
You have a scout round, I'll get the others.
Lookadikki?
Dikkinookie, boss.
What is it? What is happening?
We have to go. Leave the tents.
We'll travel with bare essentials.
- What? I'm not baring my essentials.
- Heaven forbid.
- You mean we're going back?
- Of course. Can't you hear the drums?
But I can't go back.
What about my little baby boy?
Little baby boy? You mean
that walloping great thing in frilly knickers?
Those weren't his, they were mine.
I tore his off when he was in my tent.
- Well, there's a nice maternal action, I must say.
- Never mind whose they were. We've got to go.
No, I am not going back without him.
- Yes, and what about our oozulum bird?
- Quite right.
You've only got a tail feather.
The thing's probably dead.
- That doesn't matter. We can still stuff it.
- A very good idea.
Now, you listen here... They've stopped.
Boss! Boss!
- There are many Noshas coming.
- How many?
- As many as teeth in the mouth of a crocodile.
- How many's that?
Nobody ever stopped long enough
to count them.
Blimey, no point in running now. We've had it.
- But we've got guns. Can't we fight them off?
- What? That many?
- Wait a minute. Get some shovels.
- Yes, boss.
- Shovels? What for?
- Dig a pit.
- A pit?
- We dig a deep hole, cover it with brushwood.
When they rush us, they fall in.
It's an old trick, but it never fails.
All right, dish 'em out.
Let's get digging. Follow me.
Har!
Hold it. That should do it.
They'll never get out of this.
There's just one thing bothers me.
- Yeah, what?
- How do we get out of this?
Hmm?
Yes, well, like I said, it never fails.
Tum Tum!
Tum Tum! Tum Tum!
- Tum Tum?
- That's their god, boss.
Oh, I see. The head of the corporation.
- Please yourselves.
- What's that big pot?
- Probably flatulence.
- No, that stewing pot.
- What are they going to cook?
- Us, you fool. We're going in that pot.
Us?
- Stewed?
- Not a chance. Stone-cold sober.
This is preposterous!
They can't possibly do this to us.
After all, we are... British subjects.
They've got no taste. They'll eat anything.
But surely, they wouldn't eat me?
You especially. Wait till they see
that bit of best rump.
Tum Tum! Tum Tum!
- Argh!
- What did I tell you?
Can't you do something to stop them?
Hang on, I'll see what I can do.
Here, you, before you start carving...
Him, great White magic man.
Him, doer of marvellous things.
You hurt us, him bring
heap great misfortune down on you.
Yes, I like to see marvellous doings of this man.
- Quick, show him your doings.
- I beg your pardon?
- Show him your doings!
- I will not.
- You show him yours.
- He wants to see a bit of magic.
Well, you should have said... Magic? Who?
Show me magic doing!
Magic doings. Oh, dear! He's insistent, isn't he?
Well, now, ah...
Now, wait...
This, er...
Oh, look! 12 o'clock.
That's it. You've got him going.
Here, I tell you what.
You let us go, you can have it.
You go.
- That's it. Let's go before he changes his mind.
- One moment, please.
I, Tinkle, of the miraculous doings
are well pleased with you.
I now call upon the great sky gods
to send down a sign upon you
to show their appreciation.
- Argh!
- Get down, get down!
Seize them! Tukabayo!
Bayo!
You and your big mouth.
"I, Tinkle, of the miraculous doings,
call upon the great sky gods... " Blimey!
Well, it's not my fault. What did that silly idiot
want to drop in like that for?
Don't talk about my baby like that.
He was only trying to help us.
Oh, he helped us all right. Right onto the menu.
- Anyway, it did enable June to escape.
- Yes. And Upsidasi. Perhaps he's gone for help.
Fat chance. By the time he gets back,
we'll all be eaten and forgotten.
Oh, the indignity of it all!
I, Professor Tinkle, ornithologist,
trussed like a chicken.
Just keep hoping they don't like stuffing.
Do they just... drop us into boiling water?
Oh, no, nothing as barbaric as that.
They just drain all the blood out of us first.
That's all we need, kosher Noshas!
Tum Tum!
There he is, the head chef.
White men.
Here we go. One for the pot.
Argh!
Blimey, double top!
They will do. Untie them.
Oh, um...
Excuse me, do you speak English?
It is the language of our king.
It is his wish we speak it.
Oh, how nice.
And who is this king?
- Tonka the Great.
- Ah! Ooh.
How very interesting. Perhaps you will show us
this great Tonka of yours.
He is not here. He is too weak to travel far.
Excuse me, where does this great Tonka
of yours hang out, then?
In our valley beyond the mountains.
It is called Aphrodisia.
Aphrodisia?
Ah, then you must be Aphrodisiacs.
No, we are known as the Lubi Dubis.
I'll second that.
Aphrodisia? Lubi Dubis?
No, I can't say I've heard of you.
No more questions.
You must save all your strength for the work
- that lies ahead.
- Work? What work?
In our country, there is only one
useful occupation for men.
- What's that?
- Why, to mate.
- Mate?
- What else?
Oh, mate...
Ha-ha-ha!
Aphrodisia.
- I hope the journey has not tired you too much.
- Oh, no, I'm bearing up very well, thank you.
I should think so, too. I think it's absolutely
disgraceful us lugging them about.
- It is meet and proper.
- Not for me, it isn't.
Where I come from,
the men carry the women about.
That is why you are so soft and flabby.
No matter. You will become strong,
after you have done some work.
Work? Doing what, may I ask?
Woman's work.
Farming, hunting,
looking after the men, having children.
What a prospect! Forward with labour.
Excuse me, miss...
- Er, madam.
- No, please do not get up.
- Can I help you?
- Yes. As a matter of fact, you can.
Tell me,
this work that you're talking about for us.
- This...
- Mating, yes?
This mating, yes. Exactly what does it entail?
I don't understand. Have you not mated before?
- Certainly not.
- Do not people do it in your country?
Well, I gather that there is a bit of it going on...
amongst certain classes.
But do not worry, you will be shown what to do.
I know what to do.
But I'm rather particular. I can't do that
sort of thing with every Tom, Dick and Harry.
But you do not need to worry.
There are no men in Aphrodisia, only women.
- No men?
- For some reason, for the last 100 years,
we have borne nothing but girl children.
The last man died ten years ago.
I can guess what of!
Wait a minute. Now, this great Tonka of yours.
Now, tell me.
If he's not a man, he should be a queen.
He is a man.
And when he first came to our valley,
we hoped the curse would be broken.
He has tried very hard, but...
That is why we bless your coming.
Excuse me.
How many women have you got down there?
Of mateable age? About 100.
Don't want to waste time hanging about here,
do we? Let's get working.
Forward.
Right, who's first?
Hang on, don't rush, don't rush.
Tonka is coming.
You will stand, please.
- Tonka the Great!
Tonka the Great!
Tonka! Tonka! Tonka!
- King of lovers.
King of lovers!
- Master of women!
- Master of women!
- Father of countless!
- Father of countless!
Oh, hello!
Walter!
Oh, my gawd, it's the wife.
You mean you've been here
all these years with...
all these women?
I can't understand what you're so upset about.
You can't understand?
Don't you realise what a terrible shock
- and disappointment this has been for me?
- Disappointment?
Yes, when all these years
I believed you'd been eaten by a crocodile.
Oh, dear me, no.
Your watch was found in a crocodile's stomach.
Oh, no. It can't have been my watch.
I distinctly remember.
My watch was eaten by a Nosha.
- How did it get in a crocodile's stomach?
- I wouldn't like to think. Unless it ate the Nosha.
I think I'm going mad.
Oh, my dear, surely you didn't come
all this way to tell me that?
No, Walter, look, will you please explain...
- Yes, dear?
- What have the Noshas got to do with it?
Well, you see, I was captured by them.
- Captured by them?
- Yes.
You remember that morning that Baby and I
set out for our usual walkies?
Well, I was jogging him along quite happily.
Isn't he a lucky little babesy-wabesy, then?
To go hunty-wunting with big brave
Daddy-waddy, then? Yes, he is, then.
Er...
What's the matter, then? Is Babesy-wabesy
sitting on something uncomfortable, then?
Er, yes, he is, then.
Poor Mumsy-wumsy must have forgot to put
Babesy-wabesy on the potsy-wotsy.
Didn't she, then? Yes, she did, then,
the lazy cow... sy-wowsy.
There, then. Daddy-wadsy will have to give
Mumsy-wumsy a smacksie-wacksie, won't he?
Yes, he will, then. Round the chopsy-wopsies.
Ooh, sh! Don't make a sound.
I've just seen a whopper!
You stay there and be a good diddums.
And Dadsy-wadsy will bag it.
Ooh, I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't know you were there.
Oh, you weren't there.
Never mind, keep on trying.
And the next time I knew,
there was 100 of them around me.
- And I was in it up to here.
- In what?
- In the stew pot.
- And Baby?
- No, just me and a few turnips.
- I mean, what happened to Baby?
I don't really know. You see, these dear ladies
rescued me just as I was coming to the boil.
- And then they brought me here.
- But that was over 20 years ago.
- Haven't you even tried to find the little chap?
- I have been busy.
- And I know what doing. King of lovers, eh?
- Purely an arbitrary title.
- Master of women.
- A hereditary title.
- Father of countless.
- It goes with the job.
Well, you can add another one.
Stinker of stinkers!
I say! Have I offended you about something?
It might interest you to know that
while you have been wallowing in sin here,
I have seen our baby boy.
- Really?
- Only yesterday.
Well, I never!
I hope you remembered to change his nappies...
He's a fully-grown man now, you fool!
Now he's gone again.
I don't know where he is... or what he's doing.
Weed.
Seed.
Feed.
Led.
- Bed.
- No, no, no.
Bead.
Bed.
Oh, dear. Here we go again.
Look, please, will you stop it? Will you stop it?
Look, I'm old enough to undress myself.
Now, get away!
Now, get away from me! Now, get away!
Please! Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear!
Hello. Are you having a bit of trouble?
Yes, I am. Come on, please,
whatever your name is. Tonka!
Tell these women to stop taking my clothes off.
- They're your attendants.
- I'm not having young women like this
undressing and dressing me.
I don't think they even know
where everything goes.
You want to bet?
- What's he beefing for? I enjoyed it.
- Yes, and it showed.
All right, girls, off you go. Come, come.
Overzealous.
Now, you'll have to get your mating robe on,
because there is a ceremony this evening.
Straight to work, eh?
There's nothing like a good honest
night's work, is there?
Er, tell me, please, this mating ceremony,
what's it like, eh?
Well, it's like a marriage, really,
to the mate who's been selected for you.
Marriage?
You mean we get lumbered
with just one woman?
That's right. Until tomorrow.
Then you get an automatic divorce
and marry another one.
- Another one?
- That's right.
Then the following day, another,
and so on and so on.
Yes. Well, after two weeks of that,
it'll need sewing on!
Oh, it's great fun once you get used to it.
Er, but... Excuse me, sir,
I don't want you to think
that I'm complaining at all.
I've always been
a pretty active sort of chap, you know.
And what I'm getting at is, I don't think
I'm active enough to get married every day.
Oh, not every day!
Dear me, no!
Well, that's all right, then.
You get every other Sunday off.
Oh, er... by the way,
you won't try to escape, will you?
These women can get very nasty.
Escape? You must be joking.
Good luck. I'll see you at the ceremony.
And what is so amusing?
I'm thinking of that idiot jungle boy trying to
rescue us. He doesn't know what he's missing.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
- Sex.
- I wonder if we'll ever get to seven.
I've decided there are going to be
some changes made around here.
Oh, but, my dear,
I do change them, very frequently.
Yes, we know all about that.
But from now on, father of countless,
you are going to be husband of one.
Oh.
But I thought I ought to take part
in just one more ceremony,
to show the three new chaps just what to do.
From my experience, they already know.
Ah, yes, but it is a very difficult
and complicated ritual.
Not when I knew you, it wasn't.
Now, get on with it, but leave yourself out.
Tonka! Tonka! Stick it up your honker!
Behold the symbol of perpetuity.
By gad, sir! It's the oozulum bird!
Yes!
And a male specimen to boot.
Ooh, I can clearly see its oozle.
Quiet, please. And face the mating booths.
It is written that man is the fountain of life.
Man is the fountain of life!
Without him, women are as dried-up gardens.
Women are as dried-up gardens!
They can use my sprinkler any time.
You will be serious, please.
- Take it.
- What for?
It is the symbol of marriage.
I might have guessed.
Oh, yes? And what is this?
The symbol of fruitfulness.
Ask a silly question!
Yes.
Who on earth thought up this ceremony?
- I did, as a matter of fact.
- I might have known.
Make your responses after me, please.
William Boosey,
Inigo Tinkle and Claude Chumley,
are you ready to assume
the duties of a husband?
- We are ready.
- You'll perform them to the best of your ability?
We will.
I now pronounce you ready and willing.
Behold your mates.
- Blimey! Who chose that lot?
- Our new queen,
Evelyn.
They're all yours.
- Hang on, hang on!
- No, stay there!
Oh, Betty! Betty!
I resign! I resign!
Please, I've got the wrong job!
Oh, put me on the dole!
Oh, no! Ooh! Ah! Perfidy, perfidy!
It's been a lovely three months, Ug.
But I keep worrying about Lady Bagley
and the others.
No good to worry. With those bad men,
by now they all be dead as toenails.
Doornails!
Maybe.
But just suppose they did escape?
After all, she is your mother, you know.
Mother, yes.
Like you say, she gave bath to me.
Birth.
- She gave birth to me, too?
- Yes.
And I really think we ought to try and find out
what's happened to them.
All right, you wish we go look, we go look.
That's a good boy.
But... before we go, we just do it one more time.
- Not again, Ug.
- Yes, yes, please, June.
- There's no satisfying you, is there?
- The more I do it, the more I get batter.
Better. Oh, all right, then.
Just once more.
A poem.
Mary had a little lamb.
Its fleas was white...
- No, no, no. Fleece.
- Oh, sorry.
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sore to go.
There. Was batter?
Mech butter.
Oh, dear. Now you've got me doing it.
Good. Now we go look for mother
who give me birth and bath.
Oh, do we have to go that way, Ug?
Not to worry. I show you.
You hold to me tight.
There! Perfect, no?
Wake up, wake up!
Come on, wake!
- Not today, dear, thank you.
- Wake! This is important.
Wake her, too.
What's going on?
What are you doing?
Nice way to treat your queen, I must say.
You are no longer our queen. I am taking over.
- What? With him?
- No, alone.
Since you came,
Tonka has become useless to us.
Well, he hasn't been exactly
a ball of fire to me either.
Don't blame me, dear.
You've got too good an extinguisher.
- How dare you!
- Enough!
From now on, you will live and work
with the women, Tonka with the men.
Hello. Well, I'm joining you chaps now.
You see, I'm no longer king.
- She is the new leader.
- That is right.
As your new leader, I must say I am very
dissatisfied with the results of your work.
Yeah? You want to try giving us
better materials to work with.
See that it improves.
There will be a mating ceremony in one hour.
But... this is our Sunday off.
- There will be no more Sundays off.
- No! No!
We're not standing for it.
You can push us just so far.
You threaten me? What can you do?
What can we do? What can't we do!
We have already discovered what you can't do.
Oh, she is a miserable leader.
I tell you one thing we can do,
we can go on strike.
- What is the meaning of this?
- We down tools.
- You will refuse to work?
- Definitely.
We have ways of making people work.
Ooh!
Like this, for example.
- Fresh oysters from our lake.
- Oysters? They're no good.
They are known to be highly beneficial.
Rubbish. I had a dozen last night
and only five of them worked.
We shall see. In one hour.
No!
I can't go through any more!
I've got to get out of here, do you hear?
Let me out! Let me out!
Control yourself. Chumley, Chumley!
I can't help it, sir.
I've come to the end of my tether.
Well, you're lucky. I can't even find mine!
It's like a factory, an endless belt!
All right, all right!
Look, there's no sense in running amok.
Oh, he's terrible when his mok starts to run.
Well, I think he's right. I just couldn't take on
any more of those old battleaxes they give us.
I know how you feel. It's a novelty to begin with,
but it soon wears off.
Can't we make a run...
Can't we make a crawl for it?
Anything would be better than this.
- And get killed?
- Except that.
There must be some way of getting out.
Look at that one.
If I get her, I've had it.
- Upsidasi?
- Yes, boss. See?
- Blimey, that's a twist.
- After I escaped,
I see these people capture you,
so I go back for help, bring many soldiers.
Good lad! Where are they?
Not far, boss. As the crow flies, just round
the corner, up the hill, and under the waterfall.
- How many soldiers?
- As many as feet on a centipede.
- 100?
- No, ten.
- Don't just stand there. Go and get them.
- Hang on. We've got to pick the right moment.
I know. When they let us out
for the mating ceremony.
That's it. Get them in position, wait for my signal.
They start shooting, we get away. Lookadikki?
Dikkinookie. What signal you give, boss?
- Elephant call.
- I know, boss, like this.
Behold the symbol of perpetuity.
# Rule Britannia #
Face the mating booths.
- Now?
- Wait till a bit later.
Oh, thank goodness! They're alive!
Yes, they fine.
Oh, no! Ug, look down there.
- Oh, Ug, we must do something.
- Don't worry. I think of something.
I now pronounce you ready and willing.
Get ready.
I know.
I call my animal friends.
Behold your mates.
Blimey!
- Well?
- Er, well...
Come to think of it, perhaps...
this is not quite the right moment.
- I agree.
- You talked me into it. What are we waiting for?
That is the signal.
That wasn't me! Stop it!
No, no! No, we don't want to be saved!
- Oh, isn't it sickening?
- We'll have to go now.
- I'm not leaving without my bird.
- No, nor am I.
They come.
- I have the oozulum.
- Never mind about that. Where's Tonka?
- Coming!
- Oh, no, you don't!
Come on!
What's that?
Elephants!
Umballa!
My friends, they do good, yes?
- You stupid great ape! They came to rescue us.
- Yes.
The men have escaped! After them, quick!
Run! This way!
Wait. Take these back and look after them well.
- Yes, and the others?
- Let them go.
At last, we have some real men.
Real men?
May she be forgiven!
We're safe!
Safe!
And it's all your doing, my baby.
And so, as the son sank slowly into the chest,
we bade a fond farewell to Aphrodisia
and its over-hospitable people.
And now, we come to the moment
that you have all undoubtedly been waiting for.
Ladies and gentlemen, the oozulum bird.
It's gone!
Oh, where's it disappeared to?