1
[chomping]
[contented sigh]
WOMAN: Yes, Kirk.
We sent them 2 samples.
Good day, nurse. We have the therapy
for my patient downstairs?
[telephone rings]
Ah, thank you.
P.A.: Dr. Berkholter,
code blue in OR 2-5-2.
Dr. Berkholter,
code blue in OR 2-5-2.
That's a code blue in OR 2-5-2.
Dr. Berkholter,
where the hell are you?
[ding]
How's it going, Burt?
Ah, you should be thankful
for small favors.
Look at this.
Now, I would kill to be in the field.
Burt...you have
the soul of a poet.
[buzzer]
Won't be a minute.
Wake up, Mr. Oliver.
Come on, Mr. Oliver.
It's dinnertime.
You don't wanna miss
your last meal, do you?
MAN: The Joint Chiefs of Staff
The remaining C.H.U.D.
is being terminated as we speak.
Sorry, Ted. Meeting adjourned.
Ah, I'm not into chemical war.
Thank God.
I'm disappointed in you, doctor.
Had the C.H.U.D. research continued,
we could have had the ultimate
in biochemical warfare,
an enzyme that would allow
soldiers to go on fighting
even after they were
clinically dead.
I'm afraid I don't share
your enthusiasm, Colonel.
The C.H.U.D. enzyme stimulated
the brain to a point of frenzy.
They showed a lot of spunk.
That's all.
Colonel Masters,
there was a reason
For instance,
the little matter of the drug's...
cannibalistic side effects.
A small glitch.
What the hell?
[static buzzing]
[growling]
What?!
You sure?
All right, we're on our way.
What's the problem?
The C.H.U.D.'s escaped.
Just remember,
we don't want to damage him.
Just freeze him till we can get him
into the cryogenic chamber.
All right, men. Move out.
[weapon charging]
[whispering] And ready?
[yowl] Aah!
[cat yowling]
A--A cat.
Raah!
Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him!
All right,
that's enough, gentlemen.
We've got him.
We've got him, haven't we?
Yes, sir.
That's one frozen stiff.
Ahem.
[whistling a tune]
What about that--that thing?
No, no, no. He's not my problem now.
If and when the project gets re-funded,
I'll defrost him and give him
a jolt of electricity
that'll shock the synapses
in the old noggin,
and those enzymes
will get our buddy perking again.
Now, in the meantime, we have to get
our sleeping beauty back there in limbo
to the Winterhaven Center
for Disease Control.
I never heard of the place.
COL. MASTERS: Government-funded research
center in some podunk town.
[thunder]
MR. PROCTOR: And tomorrow, class,
I have a treat in store for you.
We actually get to look at a cadaver
from Lee's Funeral Home.
- Yecch!
- Come on!
A dead body is nothing to be afraid of.
Well now. Let's see how we're doing
with our experiments.
Mr. Williams, I'm sure you'd be delighted
to seize this opportunity
[frog croaks]
Mr. Proctor, fellow students.
Direct your attention, if you would,
to the frog before me.
Poor Benjy here is completely
without the use of his back legs.
I hate it when he does this.
Miss Norton, are you following
Mr. Williams' experiment?
[Benjy croaks]
Uh, yes, sir.
Here today I will demonstrate
the essential symbiology.
- Symbiosis.
- Between...
have you guessed it?
Uh, Katie.
Between electricity and life?
Exactly.
- Whoa!
Inoficed.
- Don't do that.
- Don't--
- Aahl
- Everybody out.
Fire!
Good thinking, Kev.
KEVIN:
Well, I hope you're happy.
I thought you loved school.
This isn't school, Steve.
This is punishment.
All school is punishment.
Now I'm gonna get warts.
So you wear a glove.
I can't believe I let you
get me in these messes.
What messes?
You're a straight-A student.
Besides, if it wasn't for me,
you'd never have any fun, man.
You call this fun?
Hey, at least he didn't suspend us.
Sometimes I wish my life
were just a little more boring.
Sure you do.
You know, I think there's hope
for you yet, man.
Between you and me,
we can really make it out there.
Where?
The world, Kev!
Once we get out of this town,
there'll be no stopping us.
One got away!
Think about it.
With my energy and your brains...
the world will cower at our feet.
Will you cut it out?
I can't see what I'm doing.
Cut it out.
- You okay?
Yeah, yeah. I just bumped into--
Oh, Shit.
It's Mr. Proctor's dead guy.
Stand back, doctor.
Code blue.
Code blue.
- Oh...
- Shit.
KEVIN:
What do we do now?
Hey, watch it!
KEVIN: Brake!
- I don't think he can hear you, man.
Mr. Proctor's gonna know it was us.
He's gonna expel us.
Or at least you.
Come on!
Let's go!
DRIVER: What the hell?
Now what?
Well, we--we got two choices here.
I don't wanna hear this.
We--We can just tell Mr. Proctor
Or...
we could find a replacement.
[rock music playing
on car radio]
- How's Mr. Oliver?
- Still dead, man.
It's a disease control center.
Have you no imagination?
Do you wanna flunk his class?
Good point.
Hey. What's that?
Hello, beautiful.
When you're dead,
you're skanky.
It goes with the territory.
Oh, yeah.
All right. Let's just get him out
and get him dressed.
Katie's waiting.
Uh, since the bio Iab's
gonna be locked,
what do you say we leave him
at your house tonight, huh?
No, and not at Katie's, either.
You have to be the doctor.
You get the body.
Right.
[gas escapes]
KEVIN
God, this guy is beefy.
KATIE: Oh great, the guy dripped
all over the back seat.
KEVIN: Hold up your end.
STEVE: I guess this is what they mean
by "dead weight."
Ha. Right.
KEVIN: Shh.
[door closes]
Steven, is that you?
Uh, yeah, Mom.
I brought Kevin home to help me,
uh, study.
Oh, Kevin. Come on in.
You keep them busy.
I'll take him to the basement.
Honey, it's Kevin.
Huh? Oh, hi, Kev.
How are you doin'?
We are watching a wonderful program
on the Alaskan wilderness.
- Yeah.
- You know what that is?
- Snow.
- Right.
How 'bout those guys?
Penguins.
No. Those are seals.
[barking]
Come on, Jasper, beat it.
Shh.
Keep it down, will you?
Look at that.
Know what that is?
- No, sir.
- Salmon.
Just wait, Jasper. Tomorrow I'm bringing a pretty little
pit bull home for you, you little maggot.
He'll turn you into dog chow
in a minute, you little--ohh!
[barking]
TV: Penguins
often race among themselves.
TV: Penguins are known to be able to run at speeds
up to 20 miles per hour...
especially during hunting season.
[gunshofl
Go, little guy.
[whimpers]
Don't get up. Uh, I'll let him out.
- Well, thank you.
- Uh, thanks, Kevin.
[grunting]
Who's that?
No one.
He is too.
[gasps]
You're having a nightmare.
You are too.
You're still in bed,
and you're having a nightmare.
The worst kind.
The kind that can become real.
And if you don't forget it
and get back into your room,
this boogeyman,
who's really not here,
will come alive
and kill you in your sleep.
God, I'm gonna hate myself for that
when I'm an adult.
[water splashes]
Steve.
Steve.
- Where is he?
- He's in there.
- Oh, great!
- Shh.
Keep your voice down, man.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know. I don't know.
Let me think.
Okay, we could keep him
in my room overnight.
Now the trick is getting him out...
Steven, are you through?
Yeah, Mom.
Well, I wanted to take my bath
before dinner, dear.
Okay. I'll be out in a minute.
MR. WILLIAMS:
Come quick, honey.
All right, first we gotta drain that tub.
I don't want my mother sitting
in some dead guy's bubble bath.
Hey, it's a start.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Err? Err?
Aah!
[all stop screaming]
Is that rigor mortis?
[grunting]
Raah! Err!
Do you realize
what we have done here?
I don't wanna think about it.
We have discovered
the secret of life, pal.
Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
It's gotta have something to do with
the ingredients of this bubble bath
and the electrical current.
Kevin, if we could analyze this...
Kevin...
we could get an A in biology.
What are you talking about?
Steve, you have a live dead guy
lying in your bathroom.
[grunting]
Sitting in your bathroom.
[bone cracks]
Err!
[winces]
Now, listen, we'll take our Mr. Stiff
down the back way, okay?
We'll get him in the basement.
- Are you serious?
- Of course I am.
Listen, man. Listen to me.
Go check to see if the coast is clear.
Come on, Kevin!
Life is an adventure, right?
Go, baby. Go.
Am I having a nightmare, Kevin?
We both are.
[shudders]
MR. WILLIAMS: That Eskimo
looks like he's wearing a--
Ah ha ha!
I thought he was wearing a tuxedo.
It's a penguin.
[Bud grunting]
TV: The penguins
are off to a running start...
[grunting]
TV: At times, they mistake
other species for their mates,
including polar bears, walruses and other
warm-blooded mammals...
especially during those long...
Uh, yeah, Mom, but don't come up.
Who has a poodle nowadays,
anyway?
Would Kevin like to stay?
Come on, man.
We gotta give Katie the good news.
What about our stiff?
We'll only be gone 20 minutes.
What could happen?
Uh, Mom, w-we're gonna
go have dinner with Katie.
Well, don't stay out too late,
sweetheart.
Did you clean that stuff up?
Yeah, Dad.
Uh, bye, Mrs. Williams.
Bye, Mr. Williams.
- See you, Kevin.
- Goodnight, Kevin.
MR. WILLIAMS:
I hate dogs.
[barks]
What's he sorry about?
I don't know, sweetheart.
It's not his poodle.
I think we should alert the media.
I mean, we could
win a Noble for this.
It's No-bell.
I knew that.
I think we should come clean,
tell Mr. Proctor we lost his body,
Steve, something is not right.
[growls]
[whimpers]
So what have we got?
Well, we have a videotape
of the kids who stole the body.
It's probably a prank of some sort.
- You have license plates?
- Yeah.
Then we should have no problem
tracking them down...
hopefully.
What is the, uh,
worst-case scenario?
Well, if the body's recovered--
Not a Smurf story.
The body is somehow reanimated
and turns on its captors.
Jasper, puppy, puppy, puppy,
num-num.
[grunting]
Sally!
You know, Steve got cut from the team
because of academic probation
[Bud sobs]
- I didn't know that.
DISPATCH: Attention, all units,
we have a 1-7-6-2-3-9...
Hey.
Hey.
Do we have news for you.
- What's that?
- Steve...
DISPATCH:
No, it's a 4-0-9-7...
[grunting]
Honey, maybe he'll grow out of it.
You're going to ruin your digestion.
Yeah, well...
I'll tell you, one more bad grade
and I'm grounding him.
[disgusted grunt]
It's only broccoli, sweetheart.
Oh. I was wondering what it was.
[grunting]
[Jasper barks]
Meat.
There's meatloaf on your plate.
I know that.
[barking]
[grunting]
[flushes]
Err?
Ah.
Now, this Kevin, you know,
he's a little bit of a wimp
with his hands, but he thinks things through.
Well, maybe Steven doesn't
wanna go into construction.
It's a family tradition.
I brought that kid into this world.
I can take him out of it.
[grunting]
[playful squeal]
[gasps, growling]
Ehh. Ehh?
[barks]
Meat.
[barking]
Oh, did you try the wine,
sweetheart?
It's an award-winning wine
from Wisconsin.
Delicious.
[sniffing]
[whimpers]
[growling]
[sighs]
W
-hfiam
- Meat.
You know, I bet we all get some kind
of special achievement award
I don't think you should get involved.
Why not?
Because it could be dangerous,
and because--
God, you guys really kill me.
Let me see if I've got this right, Kev.
Maybe just cheer you on?
Hang on.
I'll go get my pompoms.
You know, Kevin, you--you have
a definite way with women.
I'm just trying
to keep her out of it.
Why? We've been together
since we were kids.
One for all, all for one, right?
Pay that.
Because I like her a lot.
[whimpers]
[sniffing]
How many times do I have to call her?
Sally! Your dinner's getting cold!
[splashing]
Wade!
The toilet's overflowing!
It's ruining my mudpack!
MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, God.
My mother never used mudpacks
and beauty creams when I was a kid.
Your mother looked like Humphrey Bogart.
My mother never smoked
a cigarette in her life.
[whimpers]
[grunting]
[barking]
[Bud growling]
[chomp]
[Jasper howls]
[Bud gulps, sighs]
[growling]
Suppose the C.H.U.D.s
don't kill their victims.
Suppose they just...nibble.
Once the enzyme's
introduced into the brain--
Normal life ceases.
The C.H.U.D.ified brain, however,
So what you're saying basically is...
In a very real sense,
C.H.U.D.ism is a disease
that cannot be stopped.
A plague if you will.
Well, there goes
your perfect soldier theory.
Well then we just
fry the bastards' brains, huh?
Ha ha ha! We'll just bring some more
of those boys down here
Ha ha! Ha!
Get in.
DISPATCH: 6-9-2-2-4-9-7.
- What's wrong?
- Shh. Listen.
Keep your eyes open.
We got an APB out on them, over.
Do they mention us?
No, but they described my car.
Well, we'll walk to school.
They described her car, Steve.
So?
So then they have Katie's name.
B in biology,
C in history,
Look, can your mom
use your car, you use hers?
We put the stiff in some clothes.
We barge in on the nearest
television station
[both laugh]
Looks like he tried to get away.
[sighs]
Steve, are you sure about all this?
Absolutely.
[growling]
STEVE:
Here, stilTy, stiff, stiff, stiff.
Here, stiffy, stiff, stiff.
It's time to make your TV debut.
KATIE: Steve, please tell me
your dog has asthma.
[growls]
We don't want to cause panic.
Now we know what
we're up against here.
Pick up those punk kids
and get Bud back.
Bud?
Bud, the C.H.U.D.
It's Mr. Oliver's nickname.
TV, faint:
Let's go, girls. Come on.
Come on.
Side to side, girls. Good.
Good. Keep it up.
Burn, burn, burn that fat away.
That's good, girls.
Oh, you have never seen an ounce
of fat on your own body
TV: That's good.
And knees.
Get 'em up, up, up, girls.
We work out like this
'cause it makes us feel so good.
Really? [laughs]
Well, we work out
TV: Now the elbows.
[cat yowls, clang]
Jogger, kitty, kitty,
is that you?
5 more minutes of this,
I can have a cigarette
and order a pizza.
Oh, hell with it.
I'm gonna smoke now. Yes.
1,2, 3.
Mommy's coming, Jogger.
We're gonna have some din-din.
Dinnertime, you and me.
Big date.
Listen for this noise.
I know you'll come home for this.
You know that sound, don't you?
You and me, another night.
Come on. Kitty, kitty.
Joggen
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here's your feast.
[grunting]
Oh, my.
What big feet you have.
Oh, my.
What big thumbs you have.
Do you live in the neighborhood?
Are you heterosexual?
Heh heh heh.
Do you have a job?
Well, what's your name?
Uh...
Oh.
Bud.
Uhh.
[screaming]
Raah!
[chomp]
[gobbles]
[sighs]
[tunes radio stations]
On the nuclear front...
[sniffs]
Yeah .
Joggen
Dinnertime.
The hell with all of you!
This is the worst day of my life.
Wife left me...
At least I've got my health.
Hey, buddy, this is not your bar,
- Aah!
- [chomp]
I'm a-walkin'
I'm a-talkin'
I'm a-stalkin'
comin' to your room tonight
I will find you I
Shadows blind you
Close behind you
Comin' over for a bite
[hiccups]
Bud the C.H.U.D.
[yawning] Listen, I can't keep
my eyes open anymore.
Me, either.
I say we give up, turn ourselves in.
What? And let someone else
go down in the anals of history?
Annals.
Annals of history.
[birds chirping]
It's cute, isn't it?
Well, that's something I got for Sally.
It's Halloween tonight.
Ah. Heh.
[Jasper growls]
Candy-ass little poodle.
MRS. WILLIAMS:
Honey, pass me the fashion section.
[growling]
[growling]
Easy, boy.
Now, easy, doggie.
Nice doggie.
What kind of a bee
does she wanna be?
- A killer bee.
- That's cute.
You know, I wonder what I should
wear to Mary's party tonight.
MAILMAN: Aah!
I don't know, honey.
You like this dress?
Thanks.
See, there's no fruit in this.
Aah! Aah!
What are those?
Hi, honey.
Mailman come yet?
He's gone.
[snarling]
Prune has a pit in it.
[tires skid]
KEVIN: I don't believe this.
My whole life--
KATIE: Kevin, shut up.
Aren't you guys
supposed to be in school?
- Fire drill.
- Bomb scare.
Oh.
You're not dreaming, sweetheart.
School holiday?
The plumbing broke down.
We had the same problem here
last night.
Mom.
Steven.
[tires skidding]
Expecting an invasion?
Shit.
[doorbell]
Hi.
Good morning, Mrs. Williams.
We're from the government,
and we were wondering
Oh, my. Uh, Steven!
Steven!
Well, I think he's probably
already gone to school.
You can say that again,
and he's not in school.
Now, if you see him,
you just tell him from me,
Well, isn't that a little harsh?
Yes, uh, ma'am, it seems
that he and some friends
Just tell him to return
my merchandise.
Ma'am.
[stomps]
MRS. WILLIAMS: Government property?
Dead meat?
[tires skidding]
KEVIN: That military guy
sounded serious, Steve.
So let's get serious
and find our stiff.
Right.
[sighs]
Uhh!
Nice cut.
[sniffs]
[sighs]
[tires skidding]
Ohh. Ohh.
[rats squeaking]
STEVE: Rats.
Look, how much trouble do you think
we can get in?
I'm not up on the penalty
for snatching top-secret bodies.
I mean it's not like he's
gonna blend in with the crowd.
You know, in my day,
if I cut school,
my father would have
taken me to the woodshed.
Well that's beside the point.
Keep looking.
KEVIN: Are you going to
the Halloween dance tonight?
Yeah, sure, if we're not in jail.
KEVIN: With who?
With myself. Come on, Kev.
[sighs] Well, I was just wondering
Now, if I was a dead guy--
Where would you go
if you were a dead guy?
KATIE: I don't know.
A Grateful Dead concert.
[sarcastic laugh]
If you need an escort...
Kev, I just thought we'd all
go together.
[sighs]
[crack]
[growls]
[splashing]
KATIE: What if we don't
get the body back on time?
STEVE: Proctor's
gonna kiss our butts
[hisses]
Sorry.
She probably doesn't
have enough meat in her diet.
Speaking of meat...
Oh, no. Are we going
to Bossy's again?
How's business, Don?
First customer.
Oh, really?
I don't know. I guess people'd
rather go out to the mall now
Shoot. I remember
when folks used to sleep
- Yeah
Sometimes with the engine running.
You givin' razor cuts now, Don?
That's very progressive.
I could take a fashion risk.
Yeah.
You know, I can remember
when my daddy
[sighs] You don't talk to strangers
nowadays, neither. No, sir.
I believe if a stranger
pulled up beside me
Unless he had really good candy,
like the pecan logs
or those red licorice whips.
Boy, those things
are good, aren't they?
[chomp]
Now, in my day,
if I stole a corpse,
my father...
GRAVES:
What the hell is that?
Oh, the just the goddamnedest
ugliest-looking barber in the world.
Like I said, kids have to be taught
respect for authority.
Who wants burgers?
[groaning]
Did you check those guys out?
[groaning]
What'll it be, folks?
[confused grunts]
Meat!
Meat!
Heh. Yeah, well, we have a variety
of burgers here at Bossy's.
Just let me know
what kind of meat you want.
Baby, binge,
bouncy, bodacious.
Bobby!
Bobby!
Now, this is what
I call health food.
Dude, you're dripping
on your chest.
STEVE:
It's genetic, babe.
Where's my fries?
[C.H.U.D.s clamoring]
Nothing, I was just thinking
about Proctor's class.
He's gonna have us
in detention for--
STEVE: Check it out. Those deadheads
chowed down mighty quickly.
[groaning]
Uhh.
STEVE: Yeah, we'll find him.
That's him!
That's him!
No more woodsheds, eh?
No, sir.
[groans]
Lunch, gentlemen?
All right, Sam.
COL. MASTERS: I can't believe that we
can't find them in a town this size.
Oh, right, right, right,
and let the whole world know
Illegal?
Well, technically those pursuits
were outlawed by the Geneva Convention
Then of course, there's the-
ahem-
other problem of the mutations.
Mutations?
Wait a second now.
[C.H.U.D.s growling]
[glass shattering]
MAN: Hey!
I'll buy you a hamburger!
What the hell is that?
C.H.U.D.S.
C.H.U.D.S.
Shit.
SAM: Stop! No more!
Here, dummy.
Shoot the trunk.
Forget this.
Keep the food.
COL. MASTERS:
C.H.U.D. frying time!
Haul ass, Sam.
You know what this means?
We are going to have to arm
the men with woks.
Right, Hometown,
this is Masters.
Yeah, we have a situation
down here.
C.H.U.D.
The whole enchilada.
Yes, and don't tell the president.
He wouldn't understand anyway.
Sam, head for the outskirts.
You up for a ride to the country,
boy? Huh?
We must have gone past them.
What a blast.
KATIE: There's the truck.
STEVE: Let's go reclaim
our dead guy.
KEVIN:
Where the hell are we?
KEVIN:
I don't see him anywhere.
STEVE:
Let's check the barn.
[groans]
Ha ha!
Guys, it's Buddy.
Wh--am I glad to see you, pal.
Look, what do you say
we go for a ride
[roars]
I don't think he wants to go.
Ka-tie.
[gasps]
He likes you.
You wanna chat him up?
KATIE:
Do you want a fat lip?
KEVIN:
Guess who's coming to dinner.
Whoa. We're talking
major sushi action here.
These guys look serious, Steve.
Hey!
What in the Wide World of Sports
is going on in here?
Whatever it is,
we're not part of it.
[racks shotgun]
Back off, Bucky.
Now you kids take Mr. Smile here
and get the hell out of my barn.
[chomp]
KEVIN: Come on, Katie.
STEVE: I'm with you guys.
[C.H.U.D.s hissing]
[Katie screams]
Aah! Aah!
Steve! Do something, Steve.
- Do something.
- Like what?
Yaah!
[sighs]
Ye-uhh!
[whimpers]
Come on, Katie.
[soldiers clamoring]
This C.H.U.D.'s for you.
SOLDIER:
Hold your position.
Ciao.
Chow.
[mooing]
Sir! Sir, they're attacking!
What should we do?!
Freeze him!
Freeze him!
After them, men.
Destroy all the C.H.U.D.s.
Holy cow. Suppose our stiff
was carrying some sort of disease.
KATIE:
We could have started a plague.
What's up?
Steve Williams, nice to meet you.
Cut the crap.
Where's the C.H.U.D.?
Keep it up, you assholes.
By the time you get out of the Slammer
you'll all be senior citizens.
All right, move out. Move out!
I'm taking you in.
Move out.
Where are we going?
Uh, General, um...
Do you know what happens
to pretty boys like you in prison?
Hot damn, look at that.
He's forcing his body temperature up
to melt the ice.
This guy is fucking fantastic!
Hey! Hey, wait! Stop!
Whoa!
We caught another.
I lost one.
Awful? It was beautiful.
You should have seen it, Graves.
They're mutating, changing.
The mutations have been transferred
from the original enzymes.
Ahem.
All right.
All right, you new men,
these are C.H.U.D.s,
very hungry people...
with bad complexions
and a brain that doesn't
know when to stop.
Any questions?
Now, your guns are useless.
Freezing them
will slow them down.
Then whoosh!
You got it?
Now, we've got our work cut out for us.
They're going to be all over this town,
and they're attracted to large crowds.
A large gathering, a rally,
a football game will look like
a buffet lunch to these slimeballs.
Let's get rolling.
Gotta be able to cut
this nest out by breakfast.
COL. MASTERS:
You two, take the van.
You, take the kids' car
back to headquarters.
We'll regroup there
while waiting for reinforcements.
Let's go!
Can't have these things
driving about town, can we?
All right. Move out.
KATIE: I know my rights.
I wanna make a telephone call.
STEVE: Yeah. Drop us off
at the nearest phone booth,
and can I borrow a dime, please?
Oops.
Meat.
I'm a-walkin'
I'm a-talkin'
I'm a-stalkin'
Comin' to your room tonight
KATIE:
Can I please all my parents?
COL. MASTERS mocking:
No, you can't.
"Be a doctor.
Be a doctor. Be a doctor."
I am. I'm--I'm personal surgeon
to the United States Post Office. See?
[mic feedback]
Victim is, uh, Norvel Laurel.
Occupation: Postman.
Hate mail finally got you, didn't it?
Ah ha ha ha ha!
Age: Uh, 42.
Race: Caucasian.
Description of wound:
Some--uh, several large bites.
No, scratch the canine.
He probably did that to himsetf.
[laughs]
All right,
I'm going into the chest.
Ahh.
Feet and hands inside for the ride.
[grunts]
[hiccup]
[hiccup]
If not, we'll make your life
a living hell.
[hiccup]
Tastes great.
Less filling.
[conversations and laughter]
MAN: What the heck is this?
You punks have no idea
what you've done.
Look, we didn't even
know he was a Chump.
Yeah. We thought we brought him
back to life
That's ridiculous.
Ah, yeah, right, like
government-sponsored zombies aren't.
You...you see if you can
talk some sense into kids.
[barking]
Hey, puppy-
You lost?
Aw, poor little guy.
Come here, puppy, uppy.
Come on. Come on.
[sternly]
I said to come here.
[growling]
I was only kidding.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Come on.
Aw, I know.
I can get you a sandwich
from inside.
You wanted somethin to eat?
Aw, is the--
GIRL: I got some peppermint!
BOY: I got a rock.
[crack]
Smell my feet
Give me something good to eat
GIRL:
I got a popcorn ball!
BOY:
I got a punch in the nose.
MR. WILLIAMS: I hate Halloween.
Now, look, I want you to tell me
Anything that will help us
track it down--
Well, he eats people.
This isn't funny,
Mister.
I mean, you have unleashed
a very real threat here, okay?
We're not just talkin' about
some animated corpse.
You got it?!
Everything it infects mutates!
We're really sorry.
Oh. Okay.
YOUNG GIRL:
I got a black licorice.
[m utters]
TEENAGE GIRL: Hey, you guys, look.
There's the poster.
TEENAGE BOY:
Halloween dance.
Hey, you guys wanna go?
TEENAGE BOY:
Hope the band doesn't suck.
Small fry.
Yeah.
[little boy cries out]
Bitchin' costume.
[sighs]
Eat 'em up.
Eat 'em up.
Trick-or-treating?
Oh, Jesus Christ. I forgot
all about Halloween.
KIDS, C.H.U.D.ified: Trick or treat.
Oh, Mother, I reckon
we've got to let them in.
[kids roar]
My, oh, my.
Things that go bump in the night.
Take all you want.
Oh. Ohh!
Oh, no!
- Rosebud.
- [chomp]
[big band music playing]
Ohh.
[both gasping]
[chomping]
[wife screaming]
All right, man the fort, Graves.
I'm off to town.
Let's hope we can keep them
from becoming snacks.
Yeah, but how do we kill them?
Who the he" knows?
Man, that's the sport of the hunt.
That's the thrill of war.
We are facing an enemy unlike anything
anyone has ever faced before.
Remember, plan B.
[door opens and closes]
All right, Sam.
Let's head for town.
Ha ha! We're going to see
some real action tonight.
Okay, you got it.
As a guy who never said "no"
to Napalm. Ha ha!
[big band music playing]
There's a costume dance
at the high school tonight.
- Oh, no.
- What?
A couple hundred people
should be there.
I mean, that dance will be like a beacon
for the C.H.U.D.s.
- Wreak?
- I think it's Latin.
You know, if the C.H.U.D.s
increase their numbers--
A world filled with zombies.
[music playing inside]
The living dead.
So disgusting.
And yet I can't help
but feel sorry for him.
GRAVES:
Get me Masters.
Now!
Yaah!
[screams]
[Bud growling]
Are you okay?
Come on. We gotta
get to the high school.
Well, what can we do?
We can evacuate the kids.
At least we've got speed on our side.
Okay. You take the lead car.
I'll get the men.
Aah!
Maybe not.
Remember, it's not just a town
full of zombies you're after!
You're after the worst threat
this civilization has ever experienced!
Oh, God! I knew
I should've been a plumber.
[playing rock 'n' roll]
Well, come from America,
a little romance
Everybody's doin'
this brave new dance
Do it in the alley,
they do it in the street
It's a brave new dance,
hear me
It's a brave new dance
Down on our knees
KEVIN: Can't you go any faster?
STEVE: There's nothing
to kill them with at the school.
Well, there has to be.
There has to be.
Wait a minute.
Check out this stuff.
This is the stuff the feds used
at the barn.
[growling]
[rock 'n' roll music
audible from dance]
Buffet.
[C.H.U.D.s growling]
This is an animal move
Brave new dance
We're dreaming our land
gives through
A brave new dance
Shake your legs
Brave new dance
Just get to the battle
and get crazy
But do a brave new dance
Into the breach right here
Go to la guerre
like those French kids
Goin' to battle,
don't take no shit
[tires skid]
KATIE: There's nobody
on the streets.
Where is everyone?
Come on.
We're almost there.
Eat 'em up,
eat 'em up.
ALL: Yum, yum, yum.
STEVE: We're too late.
But they're already there.
Get your hands on the wheel
I gotta hold them up here
Can I see your ticket, Bud?
Ticket?
Hey. What, are you guys
from Midvale High or somethin'?
Look, I don't want any trouble.
[growls]
That'll be 3 bucks apiece.
3, 6, 9...
[all growl]
And the dog has got
to stay out here.
[all growl]
Okay, okay.
You can take the dog inside.
[knuckles cracking]
[all roar]
[chomping]
STEVE:
What? No valet parking?
We don't have much time.
We get this equipment
near the gym.
- Why?
- We can stop 'em with this stuff.
- It does?
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Right.
[applause and cheering]
Shhh!
SINGER:
I am a hungry man.
[band playing rock 'n' roll]
C.H.U.D.s: Let's party!
Great costumes.
Is that my father?
[chomp, grunting]
Gross.
- Mr. Proctor's one of them.
- Shoot him!
- Great. Aw, great!
- What are we gonna do, Kevin?
Quick!
[electric hum]
Suck on these.
[groaning]
[laughing]
[growls]
[screaming]
Get him, Steve!
[Proctor grunting]
I--I can't
hold him down.
[gasping]
[laughing]
- I think it's gonna work.
- Shoot him.
Come on!
Come on.
STEVE:
Jeez, he was ugly before, but...
[gasping]
Nice shot.
Who cares.
Let's just get the hell out of here.
Wait. Steve,
I wanna try something.
Are you crazy?
Come on.
- What are you...
- Come on.
- What are you doing!
- Just a second!
KATIE:
We destroyed a C.H.U.D.
You know, if he were alive,
he would've given us an A for that.
KEVIN: I know what happened.
The introduction of electricity
shorts out their supercharged brains.
Then the contained electrical charge
causes an implosion.
Okay, over there under the clock.
Now all we have to do
is get them in the pool.
- How?
- We need bait.
My Iocker's right over here.
No, you can't do that.
Thanks, Kevin. Really.
If you were a C.H.U.D.,
who would you prefer for a meal?
Please be careful.
Listen, I like that you care, really.
Now I'm gonna go change.
STEVE: Can I watch?
[sighs]
Okay, let's go to work.
How can we be sure we'll
get 'em all in the pool?
That's up to Katie now.
[snaps]
We gotta barricade that corner.
Come on.
Help me move this.
KEVIN: Push!
[whistles]
Hey! Zombies!
Well, who wants a bite?
Come and get it.
C.H.U.D.s: Ka-tie.
Yum, yum, yum.
[growling]
[screaming]
Hit the lights.
Why?
They're afraid of the dark?
They might be.
Hit the lights.
KEVIN:
My God. The doors locked.
- Katie, come on!
- Get in.
Katie, get out
of the pool!
Get them in the pool.
Katie, get out!
Hold on to the life preserver.
Okay, get 'em in the pool.
Katie, get out of the pool!
KEVIN: Mr. Graves.
Mr. Graves.
[roars]
Get the tanks in the pool!
- Did you unscrew them?
- Sure. I think...
Keep them in the pool.
[chomp]
Aah!
Now! Kevin, now!
Ice cube time, boys!
[groaning]
Down, you rats.
[crackling]
[gasps]
Unreal.
[cracking]
Kevin!
Katie, over here!
Over here!
Yuhh.
KEVIN: They're melting.
Quick, introduce some electricity
to the ice.
Um, the clock!
Kevin.
[joints cracking]
[roar]
[sobbing]
Be careful.
Don't let 'em touch each other.
Come on!
Ok, now, the positive charge
has to be grounded to the ice.
The negative charge
will be put into the--
Or is it to the, uh-
it's, uh-
The negative charge
would then be--
What?!
Just give me a second!
Okay, the water become ionated
with positive electrons--
[Katie screams]
Holy cow. Here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hi.
[charges]
Why isn't it working?
Okay, again. Again.
Please.
[cracking]
Damn this thing.
Come on. Work. Work.
Damn it, come on!
No!
[tearing]
What's wrong with this thing?
Come on!
[gasps]
Please.
It's working.
Freeze!
Hold on, Katie.
Stand back.
KEVIN: Ha ha ha!
You're dust.
[electricity crackling]
KEVIN: It's working.
It's working.
It's great.
STEVE: It is?
KEVIN: Beautiful.
Yes.
It's working.
It's working!
KEVIN: It's over.
[sobs]
Hey. You okay?
It's all right.
It's over. It's okay.
It's okay.
STEVE: Oh.
[Katie sobbing]
Mmm-uhh!
Okay, let's go.
DISPATCH: 1-3-9-9.
1300 Saturn.
What happened?
Some nut cases attacked the kids.
Maybe some escapees
from the loony bin.
I bet it's people from that hospital.
I always said they keep
crazy people up there.
STEVE:
This is all my fault.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
What can I say to make it better?
What do people say
when they screw up?
I'm sorry.
Hey, what are friends for, huh?
Why do I feel a song
coming on here?
[siren approaches]
Hey, isn't that Steve over there?
Thank God he's all right.
Uh-oh.
[birds chirping]
So who wants a ride to school?
I do. I do.
Where's Steve?
He's gone.
What do you mean gone?
Where?
He left this note.
STEVE: Amigos, I screwed up
royally the other night,
which is getting to be
a habit with me.
I figure if I'm gonna
change my ways,
So I'm off to see the world.
Heh. Lucky world, huh?
Anyhow, you two take care.
And P.S.,
has anyone ever told you two
Adios. Steve.
Man, I'm gonna miss that guy.
Yeah. Me, too.
[Jasper growls]
WOMAN: Ride?
[snarling]
Shh.
I'm undercover. Shh.
[whimpers]
Shh.
Suppose we drive until dark
SINGER: I am a hungry man!
J" Ah-Mmm J"
The sun has set
Day begins to die
October moon
Climbin' in the sky
The time is here
Night of the undead
What's with the fear?
Hide beneath your bed
I'm a-walkin'
I'm a-talkin'
I will find you I
Shadows blind you
Close behind you
Comin' over for a bite
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Mm, there's no escape
I'm loose in the street
I'm dyin' for someone good to eat
I smell your blood
Burnin' in the night
You can't hold out
till the mornin' light
I'm a-walkin'
I'm a-talkin'
I'm a-stalkin'
Comin' to your room tonight
I will find you I
Shadows blind you
Close behind you
Comin' over for a bite
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Bud the C.H.U.D.
Good night.
[growls]