Bye, bye, Birdie
I'm gonna miss you so
Bye, bye, Birdie
Why'd ya have to go
Bye, bye
- No more sunshine
- Sunshine
- It's followed you away
- You away
I'll cry, Birdie
Till you're home to stay
I'll miss the way you smile
as though it's just for me
And each and every night
I'll write you faithfully
Bye, bye, Birdie
It's awful hard to bear
Bye, bye, Birdie
Guess I'll always care
Guess I'll always care
Guess I'll always care
Look! Look! Hey!
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true
When you're not near us
We're blue
We're blue
Oh, Conrad, we love you
This is John Daly reporting
with the CBS mobile unit...
in front of
the nation's capitol...
bringing you on-the-spot coverage
of our current teenage crisis...
over the drafting
of Conrad Birdie.
Sociologists agree
that Birdie is a phenomenon.
For those few music lovers who have
never attended one of his concerts...
here are some news photos
tracing his meteoric rise.
And that... that is
our army's newest weapon.
Private Birdie reports
for his induction in ten days.
His income drops
from $2 million a year...
to $78 a month.
It could only happen in America.
Why?
Why did they have to draft him?
Just when I finally write a song
he's gonna do.
The title song
of his next picture.
"Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo."
Now there's no picture.
There's nothing.
Albert, I have your financial statement,
it you really want to hear it.
"Total assets: $312.08.
Liabilities: $4,030."
You...
Contidentially,
you're a fiscal fiasco.
Good-bye, Albert. It's a sad ending
to a long association.
Yeah. Oh, don't you want
to say good-bye to Pidge?
Almaelou's busted, Pidge. You better
get yourself another meal ticket.
In six years
I never sold one lousy song.
Maybe they weren't lousy enough.
I don't care
so much about myself...
but I'm my mother's sole support.
I've wasted every cent
my father left Mama...
It's not your fault. Your mother
wants you to be a songwriter.
You can make a good living
as a biochemist.
That's a wonderful profession,
but Mama wants...
Just because she was
once in vaudeville...
doesn't mean you
belong in show business.
Confidentially, I respect my mother,
but I do what I want.
Well, Mama's sensitive.
When I upset her, she faints.
Why, with your ideas, you can
make a fortune in chemistry.
Chemistry.
Chemistry. Chemistry?
You sound like Rosie.
- Where is she? Where's Rosie?
- Oh, she phoned.
She heard about Birdie being drafted.
She's going to see Ed Sullivan.
Sure, to get another job.
Oh, a fine secretary!
Why, we have been practically engaged,
just waiting for an okay from Mama.
Now when I hit bottom,
Rosie deserts me.
Quits betore my body's even warm.
Ed Sullivan!
Would you send in
Rosie DeLeon, please?
Is it yes, Mr. Sullivan?
It's just got to be yes.
- Rosie, it is yes.
- Oh, hallelujah!
Oh, I love you. Oh, that's marvelous.
Oh, I love you too! I'm so glad!
Miss DeLeon, I'd like you
to meet our producer, Bob Precht.
- Oh, hi. How are you?
- Well, it's my pleasure.
If you can overcome
your shyness, tell me...
what's our using Birdie
on the show got to do with you?
Let's face it,
I'm a scheming woman.
I have a promotion idea
that'll knock you out.
It you buy it,
I want a little favor.
All right.
Let's try it on for size.
How'd you like a terrific buildup
betore the show...
that'll have every TV set
tuned into you next Sunday?
We will have. After all,
we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.
- This is bigger.
- Bigger?
Betore Conrad Birdie
goes into the army...
he bestows a farewell kiss
on all the swooning girls...
who worship him on your TV show.
Atter all, it's only an hour show,
and Birdie only gets four minutes.
He kisses them all symbolically.
- What'd you say?
- Symbolically.
- Actually, he'll only kiss one girl.
- He kisses only one girl?
Can't you see it? Birdie,
their idol, their leader...
kissing one tabulously
lucky teenage Tessie?
- Yeah! Yeah!
- It'll melt every bobby pin in America.
It's gigantic. The newspapers will eat
it up. Think of the advance publicity.
Get the Birdie's
fan club file right away.
- Get us a girl from Ohio.
- Gotcha!
We'll do it from the outdoor theater,
Columbus, Ohio, right after the ballet.
- I'll get the girl.
- The network will handle the details.
And after the kiss,
Birdie sings a big song.
- That's where Rosie gets her payoff.
- I don't get it.
- The song is "One Last Kiss."
- Never heard of it.
- Hasn't been written yet.
- Who is going to write this classic?
Oh, who else, but my future husband,
Mr. Albert F. Peterson?
Birdie's been wanting
to give Albert a break for six years.
I know he'll use the song,
if you say so.
Any song will do even though it's
written by your ever-lovin' Albert.
Thank you, Mr. Sullivan.
With a plug like this, that song
will sell a million records.
- Man, what royalties!
- We can sure use the money.
Any day now Albert and I
will have another mouth to feed.
Rosie, you're not even married yet.
His mother! Bye.
Carmine, get me
the publicity department right away.
This batch will do. Get them
ready for mailing right away.
Oh, hi, Marge. I need
one of your fans trom Ohio.
You can have them all.
Try file number six.
Okay. Six, here we go.
I'm about to make
some gaga little goof a queen.
Hey, cute.
Long distance? I want Miss Kim McAfee,
Sweet Apple, 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio.
Marge, isn't it amazing what a woman
has to do to get a man to marry her?
You mean you doped
Albert's mother?
No, but if this doesn't work,
that's my next move.
What, Operator?
Oh, the line's busy.
Never mind. I'll try later.
Thank you.
Oh, Marge, right now there's a kid
named Kim McAfee in Sweet Apple, Ohio...
gabbing on the telephone.
Little does she realize
I'm about to make her immortal.
- Hello?
- Hello, Urse. This is Kim.
It I don't tell somebody,
I'm just gonna burst.
So, Ursula, you are
the very first to know.
I just got pinned
by Hugo Peabody.
Oh, no! Kim McAfee, you didn't!
You really got pinned?
You mean you and Hugo have
a permanent understanding?
Uh-huh. Oh,
it's Hugo and I forever.
Crazy! Crazy!
Tell me, Kim,
how do you absolutely feel...
in your deepest secret soul?
It's like...
It's like I've been reborn.
It's like all of my lite until
this very moment I was nothing.
Kim, I must use the phone.
I've got to call Grandma.
In a second, Mom.
Hey, listen, Ursula.
I'm gonna have to get off.
Where was I?
- You were nothing.
- Oh, yeah.
And now I'm alive, fulfilled.
Now I know what
it means to be a woman.
It should only happen to me.
Kim, where did he pin you?
On the backseat. Oh, bless
that lovely yellow school bus.
- Kim, hurry, please.
- Hang up, so I can spread the word.
Okay, bye, Urse.
- Hi, Nancy
- Hi, Ursula
What's the story, morning glory
What's the tale, nightingale
Did you hear about Hugo and Kim
- Hi, Margie
- Hi, Alice
- What's the story, morning glory
- What's the word, hummingbird
Have you heard about Hugo and Kim
Did they really get pinned
Did she kiss him and cry
Did he pin the pin on
or was he too shy
- Well, I heard they got pinned
- Yeah, yeah
- I was hopin' they would
- Uh-huh
- They're livin' at last, goin' steady
- He's gone
Hello, Mr. Henkel
This is Harvey Johnson
- Can I talk to Penelope Ann
- Is it true about Kim
- Penelope
- I just knew it somehow
- About the prom
- I must call her right up
- Saturday
- I can't talk to you now
- Goin' steady
- You know it, man
- Goin' steady
- It's crazy, man
- Goin' steady
- You know it
- It won't last
- Not at all
- He's too thin
- She's too tall
Hello, Mrs. Miller
This is Harvey Johnson
Can I speak to Debra Sue
Hiya, Hugo
Hiya, stupid
- What ya wanna go get pinned for
- You don't know how to live
- Oh, you meathead
- You'd get pinned if you could
- Lost your marbles
- Kim and I are in love
- Are you nutty
- Goin' steady for
Hello, Mrs. Garfein
Is Charity home from school yet
- Did they really get pinned
- Goin' steady
- I was hopin' they would
- He's gone
- Now they're livin' at last
- She nailed him
If ya gotta go
that's the way to go
When they got ya hooked
then you're really cooked
What ya gonna do
What ya gonna do
- Well, I heard they got pinned
- Oh, man
- I was thinkin' they would
- Oh, man
Now they're livin' at last
Goin' steady for good
Goin' steady, goin' steady
Goin' steady, steady for good
Goin' steady, goin' steady
Goin' steady, steady for good
He's in love with Kim
Kim's in love with him
Goin' steady, goin' steady
Goin' steady, steady for good
That's the way it should be
- Oh, yeah
- They'll be happy, I know
- Oh, yeah
- Goin' steady for me
- Oh, yeah
- That's the way it should go
Goin' steady, goin' steady
Goin' steady, steady for good
Poor Pidge. He'll starve.
Here, Pidge. Here, Pidgie.
Here, boy.
Don't jump! Don't jump!
Albert, it's all right!
Everything's all right!
Come on back! Don't worry.
Honey, come on.
- Thank heavens I got here in time.
- You almost pushed me out.
It's all right.
I just came from Ed Sullivan's office.
- Sullivan?
- Yes, Ed Sullivan.
Go to work for Sullivan. Leap from the
sinking ship while the house is on fire.
But hear this, Miss DeLeon.
I was loyal.
All the years I employed you, I never
looked for a job behind your back.
- I went to Ed Sullivan's otfice...
- Don't explain.
You owe me nothing,
even though you were molded by me.
- Molded?
- Like Eliza Doolittle from Pygmalion.
- I was molded?
- What were you when I found you?
Hostess at La Casa Enchilada
Taco and Tamale Shop.
Well, sorry I interrupted you.
A man of my ilk
does not commit suicide.
I've had just about enough
of your kind ot ilks too.
Suicide is for cowards.
I don't desert the woman I love.
Oh, Albert, I'm sorry.
- I should have known.
- Mama would never get over it.
Mama?
What's the matter?
I'm the prize dope ot all time...
thinking I could pry you away
from your mama's ever-lovin' tentacles.
I will thank you
to leave my mother out of this.
- Maybe she does influence me slightly.
- Slightly?
- She is old and frail.
- Which I will be, too, at this rate.
I don't blame you.
I was living in fantasy...
telling myself you were serious.
Oh, Rosie, I was.
I am. In here.
I've thought and thought
about marrying you...
every day, a lot of nights too.
I've spent six years
on Project Albert.
Well, now I haven't got the right.
I can't offer you security.
A wonderful girl like you...
you deserve more from a husband
than just personality and good looks.
But I'll always love you, Rosie.
You'd better always
love me, you nut...
because you're stuck with me.
Now, you've always worried
about repaying your mother, right?
Well, from now on,
she'll be set for life.
She can sit around on her big fat trust
fund. We'll have our own little house...
I don't care what Sullivan pays you.
No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.
- You're not listening, darling.
- I am not a gigolo.
Will you get to that piano
and start composing?
- Mary, I want Kim McAfee, Ohio.
- I'm through composing.
I was always through,
but now I know it.
That's right. You're a biochemist,
but this is one song you can sell.
- Huh?
- Okay, call me back.
- As I was saying, huh?
- Gee, you're slow today.
Now, you are going to write
a song called "One Last Kiss."
Is this Albert's floor
or is it the one below?
"One Last Kiss." Now.
Oh, one last kiss
There never was such bliss
I love your dentifrice
- A little too clinical, I think.
- Yeah, you're right, honey. Let's see.
Mama? She's never been to the office
since she discovered canasta.
Well, now's the perfect time
to tell her about dissolving Almaelou.
Yeah.
- And about us.
- Yeah.
Sonny!
- Mama!
- Baby!
What a nice surprise, and you're
just in time for some wonderful news.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing, son.
I just fainted in the subway.
That's all.
But I didn't tall down.
It was too crowded.
- I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi.
- Taxis?
Taxis are for my successful son.
A dirty crowded subway
is good enough for a mother.
Mother's nothin' nowadays.
- Who's that?
- Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon.
- And guess what.
- This is that pretty Rose DeLeon?
Oh, I don't believe it.
Rose, what happened to ya?
You had a fatal sickness
or somethin'?
It's nice to see you again.
Always on the job.
She's a credit to the firm.
Look at her, son.
I wonder some older man
hasn't snatched her away.
Personable matron.
- Speaking ot marriage.
- A wonderful institution.
Your poor father and I...
That was a marriage.
May he rest in peace.
Don't worry, Lou.
- Our only child is taking care of me.
- Tell her.
He'd never do anything to break
my heart. What about marriage?
It it was good enough
for you and Papa, it's good enough...
In time. You're just a baby.
Hello. Yes, Operator.
I'll hold on.
And another thing, Mama,
I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou.
Wait, Lou. I'm comin'.
I'll be right up there.
We can play canasta again.
Mama? Mama, forget it.
I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?
- Good-bye, sonny.
Take care of yourself.
Think of me on Mother's Day.
- Good-bye, Rosie.
- Good-bye, Mae.
Call me Mrs. Peterson.
Wear your rubbers.
That's right, Operator.
Miss Kim McAfee.
I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight.
It's entirely up to you, Albert.
The line is still busy?
Yes, Hugo.
Well, of course
I'll always wear it on everything.
Oh, except my gym blouse.
Miss Turgnisht won't allow it.
Tonight?
Well, I have no plans.
I think I can get out
till about 10:00.
Oh, you have to be in by 9:00.
Well, c'est la vie.
Until tonight then, mon amour.
Bye.
When you're a skinny child of 15
Wired with braces from ear to ear
You doubt that
you will ever be appealing
Then, hallelujah, you are 16
and the braces disappear
And your skin is smooth and clear
And you have that happy grown-up
Female feeling
How lovely to be a woman
The wait was well worthwhile
How lovely to wear mascara
And smile a woman's smile
How lovely to have a figure
That's round instead of flat
Whenever you hear boys whistle
You're what they're whistling at
It's wonderful to feel
The way a woman feels
It gives you such a glow
just to know
You're wearing
lipstick and heels
How lovely to be a woman
And have one job to do
To pick out a boy
and train him
And then when you are through
You've made him
the man you want him
To be
How lovely to be a woman
Like me
How wonderful to know
The things a woman knows
How marvelous to wait
for a date
In simply beautiful clothes
How lovely to be a woman
And change from boys to men
To go to a fancy nightclub
And stay out after 10:00
How lovely to be so grown up
And free
Life's lovely
when you're a woman
Like me
Hello? Oh? Well,
hold on, Operator.
Kim, it's for you.
She says it's long distance.
- Thank you, Doris.
- Who could be calling Kim...
- Did you say "Doris"?
- It's the modern way, dear.
Makes mother and daughter
more like friends.
Harry, I think you took the news
about Hugo and I awfully well. Hello?
- She called you "Harry."
- Yeah.
- Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee.
- Yesterday I was a mother.
- Today I'm a friend.
- Yes, I'll hold on.
Well, maybe you could call me Mom.
That's modern.
Times are changing. You go along
or else you're out ot it.
Harry, do you have a cigarette?
I've run out.
Oh, so have I.
How about my pipe?
- Hello?
- Hello?
- Kim McAfee? I have a great prize.
- Harry? Kids.
You have been selected from all
the teenagers in the United States...
to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on
The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night.
We'll be in touch. Good-bye!
Conrad Birdie?
To kiss me?
Mother!
- Mommy!
- Baby! What happened?
Conrad Birdie's
coming here to kiss me!
- Isn't that nice?
- You don't understand!
Conrad Birdie's coming
to Sweet Apple to kiss me!
Oh, Mommy!
I never thought I'd say it,
but God bless Conrad Birdie!
Conrad Birdie's
coming here to kiss me!
Now, listen. Now,
the absolute instant he appears...
now I'll introduce Kim to him.
Then we'll all recite our pledge
of everlasting loyalty.
The plane!
The plane's almost landed!
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We love you, Conrad
and we'll be true
When you're not near us
we're blue
Oh, Conrad, we love you
We hate you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We don't hate anyone
as much as you
Your singing makes us say, P.U.
Oh, Conrad, we hate you
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We don't hate anyone
as much as you
When you're not near us
we're blue
- We love you
- We hate you
Hugo wants to talk to Kim.
That's if it's okay with Kim.
- Certainly, Hugo.
- Well, Kim...
Yes?
Hugo, what do you want?
Gee, Kim, the fellows
are makin' me do this.
But just the same, they're right.
Kim, you can't
go through with this.
Hugo, please be mature.
Doesn't gettin' pinned
mean anything these days?
It means everything.
It's sacred.
Well, then how can you let
another man kiss you and in public?
- I assure you I won't even feel it.
- Huh?
- I'm just a symbol.
- A symbol?
Don't you see?
This is bigger than us.
Why, all this publicity
for Sweet Apple.
Thousands of people
will move here.
We'll have
a population explosion.
And just think what this will do
for your father's undertaking business.
- Hey, yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
But you really don't go
tor that Birdie creep, do you?
What do my eyes tell you?
No, you don't.
I can see you're all mine.
Forever...
starting right atter
The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night.
Right atter The Ed Sullivan Show
on Sunday night.
Hey, we'll be late!
One, two, three!
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We love you, Conrad
and we'll be true
When you're not near us
we're blue
Well, I told her off, guys.
- She knows where I stand.
- But she's leaving.
- That's to make the population explode.
- Anyone for the reception, kids?
Gee, Mr. Paisley, we think you're okay
even if you are the English teacher.
It should be
a fascinating experience.
- Yeah, but are you with them?
- "With them?"
Yeah, that Birdie creep...
He's poisoned our women.
It's bad enough the mayor's a fink,
but you, Mr. Paisley...
Well, you see, fellows, as a teacher
and a brand-new American citizen...
with an unquenchable thirst
for knowledge...
I feel I should witness this
unique sociological phenomenon, hmm?
Yeah, guys, suppose
I do let Kim kiss him?
I only want to see
a unique so... so...
phenomenon.
- Hugo, the fink!
- So long, fink!
- Fink!
- Oh, what a fink!
Here are the gentlemen from the press.
I'll handle them. You go find the mayor.
We want him! We want him!
Here's your speech.
Learn it and hurry!
We want him! We want him!
- Look this way, please.
- What's your name?
- Conrad Birdie.
- No, no, your name.
She doesn't even know her name.
"We want him!"
I beg your pardon.
May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple?
I'm Claude Paisley.
Kim McAfee's my student in English.
- How do you do? I'm Rose DeLeon.
- Nice to know you.
- And you're?
- Hugo.
I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
- Hugo Fink.
- Hello, Mr. Fink. How are you?
Now, please
don't think me forward.
But it you do have any spare time
during your visit...
I'd appreciate discussing
Mr. Birdie with you.
Well, I'm afraid
I'll be very busy...
but thank you.
Watch it, Rube.
Don't bend the fur.
He's coming! Look, everybody!
He's coming! Here he comes!
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We love you, Conrad
and we'll be true
When you're not near us
we're blue
Oh, Conrad, we love you
Betore you hear
from the girl upon whom...
you have chosen to bestow
your final kiss upon...
we will now recite
the Conrad Birdie pledge.
I, being of
sound mind and body...
do hereby promise...
to be loyal, courteous,
steadfast and true...
to Conrad Birdie
and the United States of America...
both indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
As the fortunate girl
whom you have selected...
to represent all my fellow girls,
I welcome you.
Now, Mayor, now.
Speech here.
And now I present this key
to our city to our honored guest...
Conrad Birdie.
He said it!
He said the name!
What happened?
All I said was Conrad Birdie.
Girls, you're going to have to stop that
or I can't finish my speech.
Who cares about your speech?
We want to hear Conrad!
He's not so much.
You gotta be sincere
Edna, what's wrong?
You gotta be sincere
Birdie, what are you doin'?
You gotta feel it here
'Cause if you feel it here
Well, then you're gonna be
Honestly sincere
If what you feel is true
You really feel it
You make them feel it too
Write this down now
You gotta be sincere
Honestly sincere
Man, you've gotta be
Sincere
If you're really sincere
If you're really sincere
If you feel it in here
then it's gotta be right
Oh, baby
Oh, honey
Hug me
Ah, suffer
In everything I do
Why, my sincerity shows through
Yeah, when I look you in the eye
I don't even have to try
It's automatic
I'm sincere
When I sing about a tree
Listen, why
I really feel that tree
Yeah, when I sing about a girl
I really feel that girl
I mean, I really feel
Sincere
Why, if you're really sincere
If you're really sincere
If you feel it in here
then it's gotta be right
Oh, baby
Oh, honey
Hug me
Ah, suffer
Yeah, here we go now
Why, you gotta be sincere
Oh, you gotta feel it here
Oh, my baby, oh, my baby
Oh, yeah
Oh, my baby, oh, yeah
Go, girl, go
Ursula! What are you doing?
Are you gonna be sincere
Are you gonna be sincere
Yeah
Are you gonna be sincere
Are you gonna be sincere
Yeah
We love you, Conrad
Oh, yes, we do
We love you, Conrad
And we'll be true
When you're not near us
We're blue
Oh, Conrad, we love you
Randolph, your father's warned you.
It you make another bomb,
you'll get spanked.
- It was an accident, Mom.
- Now, get this stuff out ot here.
Doris! Doris!
Doris, what's going on here?
Harry, where have
you been since supper?
In plenty of trouble, that's where.
But I'm not now. No, sirree.
You kids go home before
I sick the constable on ya!
Go on! Get that carnival
off my front lawn!
I'll show them who's boss.
Harry McAfee's not going to be
pushed around by any roll and rocker.
- Harry, they'll hear you.
- Let 'em hear me!
- Put those chemicals away and go to bed.
- Yes, Papa.
We're in trouble.
He can't stand Conrad living here.
Especially around
his pretty young daughter.
She's still under the magic spell.
Dear little Conrad certainly
has a devastating impact.
He might make a terrific soldier.
Turn him loose and the enemy
will twitch itselt to death.
I don't care.
I've changed my mind.
My daughter is not going to be
publicly kissed by that... that wiggler.
The deal is off.
But, dear, you know these adolescents.
Kim will lose face.
It I don't get rid of that Birdie,
that's not all she'll...
Hear this. I have decided that bunch
of grafters is getting out of here.
That is the unshakable decree that
I have made as head of this household.
- So you go upstairs and tell them.
- Me?
How can I tell Mr. Peterson
and that nice Miss DeLeon?
Nice? I know that show business crowd...
probably living in sin.
Harry Lionel McAfee!
I never told you, but one summer
I worked tor the circus.
- Oh, those midgets, wild.
- Not another word.
She's been engaged to Peterson
for six years. Don't tell me they...
- We were engaged for tive years.
- He's not as stupid as I was.
- Are you stupid, Pop?
- Find out for yourself!
That's the trouble
with kids today! Lazy!
Will you go up? Get up to bed!
Oh, Harry, they'll be gone
day atter tomorrow.
I'm a peace-loving man,
a good father and husband.
And the result?
The home I hewed out of this wilderness
with my bare hands is no longer mine.
Tonight I had to wait
until 6:00 for my supper.
And that Peterson grafter, running up
my phone bill with long-distance calls!
- He offered to reimburse you.
- I don't take Diners Club cards!
Then that snake in a gold suit insists
on parking in my beautiful living room.
- Do you know where I've just been?
- No, dear.
To a meeting with the big boys,
Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp.
My biggest customers. They don't approve
of this kind of notorious goings-on.
Darling, they put pressure on you?
If I don't cancel this whole Birdie
deal, they'll starve me out of business.
- Oh, my heavens!
- It's them or us.
- What happened?
- Are you all right?
- What's wrong?
- It was just Randolph's chemicals.
No, a mixture ot iron sultide
plus two parts H2SO4.
Smart boy you have there. It isn't
every lad who can make a stench bomb.
- Which brings me to Mr. Birdie.
- Mr. Peterson is really a biochemist.
- I couldn't care less.
- I have one formula, a secret.
It's miraculous because it increases
the work output of domestic animals.
- Now about this Birdie.
- It speeds up the reflexes.
An ox, for instance,
could outrun a racehorse.
By adding in his tormula,
a hen will lay three eggs a day.
Three eggs a day? It that's so,
you could make a million times...
I've been nursing
this compound for years.
- Still needs more tests, but it works.
- Aren't you in farming?
- He's McAfee Fertilizer.
- Oh, yes.
- Been in it tor 20 years.
- Really?
But I may be out if...
It you and Albert got together,
you could revolutionize farm production.
Would you like a demonstration?
Do you have a hen?
- How about trying it on that?
- A tortoise? I don't know.
Sure! It won't bite.
Here. Let me.
Ot course, there isn't
much demand for turtle eggs.
But if it really works
on farm animals...
maybe you and me
could do some business.
I'll sure need something it I let Kim
go through with this Birdie stuff.
Some of Harry's customers
are against it.
Yeah, and so I've decided
it's absolutely out of the question.
Your neighbors are just
going to be thrilled...
when they see the two of you
on The Ed Sullivan Show.
The Ed Sullivan Show.
- We were saving that as a surprise.
- Yes, a surprise.
Me on Ed Sullivan?
Oh, I'd die. What would I wear?
- We'll find something.
- Gee, Ed Sullivan.
He's my favorite human.
That's why I decided to let Kim go on
in the first place.
Me on The Ed Sullivan Show?
Ed Sullivan
Me, Harry McAfee appearing with
Ed Sullivan
We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan
How could any family be
Half as fortunate as we
We'll be coast to coast
With our favorite host
We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan
I've got a wonderful wife
Two swell kids
a good business and now this
Someday we'll recall
The greatest day of all
Ed, I love you.
Hello?
Oh, yes. Harry,
it's the mayor. He sounds mad.
I'll handle this.
Yes? Yes, Mayor?
Yes, the boys talked to me.
Yep, I've decided.
Birdie stays right here...
and Kim's on TV.
And what's more...
I'm gonna be on the show, too,
with Eddy Sullivan.
Now, listen, Harry. You saw what
that crazy galoot did at the reception.
It was a disgrace.
Look, Mayor,
you're gonna be on TV too.
They want you to make a speech.
They want me on Ed Sullivan?
A short speech.
Why, sure!
I could become
a statewide tace.
It's a deal, Mayor.
Sure I'll plug you up tor governor.
Bye, Sam.
What a hambo.
Well, it's been a long day,
so I think we'll...
I'm thinking of calling them "Speed Up."
You like it, Mr. McAfee?
"Feed up with Speed Up."
I love it, partner.
- How will Randolph catch his tortoise?
- Just give him one of these.
Hi, Mr. McAfee.
Gee, I just wanted to thank you.
My dad said you're not letting Kim
go on TV and kiss that... that.
It can't be true. You wouldn't
destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood!
Sure he would.
A father has a right, right?
Hugo, my daughter's old enough
to make her own decisions...
so I've decided to let her do it.
Well, in that case, your daughter
is the former future Mrs. Hugo Peabody.
Oh, Hugo,
stop acting like a child.
Kim! Where is he?
Can I see him?
Conrad's asleep, poor dear.
You may peek through
his keyhole while I...
while I discuss this tempest
in a tea bag with Hugo.
You're lucky people.
What'd we ever do
to deserve such a daughter?
We got married.
Marriage.
- But, Kim...
- Hugo...
- Yeah, but, Kim...
- I don't have time for a debate.
Ursula's waiting. I've got to learn
my speech tor tomorrow's rehearsal.
Wait a minute, Kim.
Don't go yet, please.
You don't know what I've been through
with all the guys buggin' me...
well, about you
and that Birdie creep.
Oh, that.
Yeah, that!
Why, that's silly.
He means nothing to me.
One boy
One special boy
One boy to go with
To talk with and walk with
One boy
That's the way it should be
Yeah, yeah,
that's the way it should be.
One boy
One certain boy
One boy to laugh with
To joke with, have Coke with
One boy
Not two or three
One day
You'll find out
This is what life is all about
You need
Someone who
Is living
Just for you
One boy
One steady boy
One boy to be with
Forever and ever
One boy
That's the way it should be
That's the way
It should be
Now is that the kiss of a woman
interested in any other man?
I don't know.
How do I tell?
- Ah, but he made you faint.
- Oh, he did not!
I was just exhausted,
cramming for my English exam.
You've got to try
to understand me as a woman.
Now, I might like
Conrad as a friend...
but when it comes
to the real thing...
the grand passion...
well, that's something
special, Hugo.
That's you.
One day you'll find out
This is what life is all about
You need someone who
Is living just for you
One boy, one steady boy
One boy to be with
Forever and ever
One boy
That's the way it should be
That's the way
It should be
Homework!
Hey, I got homework to do.
When will he find out
This is what life is all about
Will he ever see
I need him
And he
Needs me
- One boy
- One special boy
- One special boy
- One boy to be with always
One boy to be with
- Forever and ever
- Forever
- I love him
- One boy
- Love him, I love
- That's the way
- Him so
- It should be
That's the way
It should be
That's the way
It should be
Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-in?
I'm looking for my mother,
Mrs. Peterson.
Are you sure there's no one left
in your drive-in? Okay, thank you.
Don't worry, partner.
Your mother will get along fine.
Sweet Apple's
full of friendly folk.
It anything happens to her,
I'll never forgive myself.
- What kind of a dump is this?
- "Dump"?
Conrad. Let's humor him, partner.
If he walks off
the Sullivan show, we're sunk.
Gotcha.
I can't tind no church key
in my room.
Church key? We've had
a church here, but it's open.
A can opener, man.
You're from nowherelike.
That's my favorite brand.
Well, it's bedtime, huh, Conrad?
Okay for tonight,
but tomorrow's Saturday...
and that's my real tense night.
Thanks, Mr. McAfee.
The next time I have a daughter,
I hope it's a boy.
I am a lucky man though, Albert.
Meeting up with
a biochemical wizard.
Peterson and McAfee
are going right to the moon.
I've got to, not just
for my mother, for Rosie.
Well, I guess I'll get
a little air and turn in.
Take all the air you want, chum.
Hi, Rosie.
Rosie, you don't have
to worry about Mama. She'll show up.
- I'm certain she will.
- Then you ought to be happy.
Kim's on the show.
Conrad does my song...
and I promise
I'll tell Mama about us.
Come on.
Why look so awfully tragic
Put on a happy face
Smiling can work like magic
Put on a happy face
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy
It's not your style
You look so good that
you'll be glad ya decided to smile
Pick out a pleasant outlook
Stick out that noble chin
Wipe off the full of doubt look
Slap on a happy grin
And spread sunshine
all over the place
Just put on a happy face
Flowers?
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face
Why do you mope around so sourly
It's such a strain
I always try to chuckle hourly
It clears the brain
I knew a girl so gloomy
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing
So spread sunshine
All over the place
Put on a happy
So put on a happy
Face
Well, like I said,
you're a genius, Dr. Peterson.
Oh, honey,
you sure have put up with a lot.
But this time we're gonna make it!
Let's live in a small town
like this.
- Anything you say, dear.
- Okay?
Wow, the last time
we were alone together...
last summer at Palisades Park.
- We went through the tunnel of love.
- Your mother sat between us.
Oh, honey, I told you. From now on,
things are gonna be different.
- Yoo-hoo! Albert!
- It's Mama.
Mama?
Boy meets girl,
boy loses girl...
boy gets mother.
- Mama, where have ya been?
- Neglected! That's where I've been.
I tried to find ya.
Have you had any dinner?
A mother doesn't need tood. Besides,
I'd rather be with my famous son.
Albert, what is it?
Oh, it's your mother.
- Oh, good evening!
- How are ya, ma'am?
How can I be... ripped from
my native land, alone in this jungle?
Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room
to put up your mother.
Thanks. A motel mattress full of lumps
is good enough tor me.
Comtort is for my loving son.
I just came to tuck ya into bed.
See, Mama's got a condition.
She won't tell me what it is.
Why worry a growing boy?
Okay. You insist?
I got, maybe,
one tenth a normal heart.
A mother doesn't need a heart.
Well, soon as Albert and I get
our new deal a-rollin'...
you'll have the finest doctors
in the country.
Deal? What deal, Albert?
Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music
business and goin' back to chemistry.
That Rosie!
She's finally turned you against me!
Oh, please, Mama. She didn't.
Albert, go... desert me.
But when I was expecting him
in the maternity ward...
three days I waited...
did I desert him?
No. I stayed right there so
he wouldn't be alone when he was born.
Mama, please don't excite yourself.
Mama, you know I love ya.
- It's just Rosie and I have plans.
- Okay!
Lou, I'll be right up.
Start dealing.
Just bury me on your front lawn
so Rosie can walk all over me!
Mama! Mama, please!
It's not gas. It's electric.
Doris!
Doris, how do you like it?
Isn't it exciting?
No! I told you
not to dye your hair!
Oh, but I wanted to!
Isn't it a gas?
- You dare defy your mother?
- But it's my hair.
- Not till you're 21.
- What's the matter, Papa?
Young lady, you stay in your room
till it changes back! Do you hear?
- I won't!
- I demand respect around here.
- It's my hair!
- Respect. Do you hear? Respect.
- I respect you, Papa.
- I don't want your respect.
Who wants respect
from a ten-year-old kid?
Kids, I don't know what's wrong
with these kids today
Kids, who can understand
anything they say
Kids, they are disobedient
disrespectful oats
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers
And while we're on the sub ject, kids
You can talk and talk
till your face is blue
Kids, but they still do
just what they want to do
Why can't they be like we were
Perfect in every way
What's the matter with kids today
Kids, I've tried to raise you
the best I could
Kids, all the things I've done
were for your own good
Kids, can't you once appreciate
how I've sacrificed
Working, slaving, scrimping
saving pennies
And livin' with your father, kids
No one knows the burdens I've had
to bear, and in my condition
Kids, I'm a poor, sick woman
and does he care
Ha!
Go on, go on and kill me
That's what it's coming to
When a mother has kids like you
- Kids
- All the chicken soup I made for you
- Mama, take it easy.
- Kids
- Now you throw me out like a worn shoe
- Not in front of everybody.
Mom, after all, I haven't been
such an awful son
I never sass you back
or leave a ring around the bathtub
- And don't I always phone you
- Kids
You can give your life to 'em
night and day
- Kids, then they go get married
- Married?
- And go away
- Who's gettin' married?
Why do we have these children
Better to have a pet
You know where you stand with a pet.
I never asked for nothin'
Nothin' is what you'll get
What's the matter with kids to...
I tried, Lou, but I failed.
Oh, ya didn't, Mama.
Ya didn't.
Don't try to pay me back, sonny.
I forgive you.
So what if you're an ingrate?
So long as you're happy.
- I don't want to be happy.
- Don't feel guilty.
Just make believe I'm an old used car.
Junk me. Leave me in the gutter.
- I'll never leave ya. Never.
- You heard him.
- You're a witness.
- I promise, Mama.
- I never broke promise to my mama.
- Good boy.
Why can't they be like Albert
Perfect in every way
What's the matter with kids
Yeah, what's the matter with kids
Nothing's the matter with kids today
Mr. Paisley, this is Rose DeLeon.
You asked me to call
it I had any tree time.
Well, I'm free.
- Very tree.
- Rosie!
Ten minutes?
I'll be waiting tor you.
Don't worry, sonny.
You can always get another secretary.
Can you see him?
- No. Babette, can you see him?
- I can't see him.
All I can see is the basketball hoop.
Hey, Gretch, can you see him?
Conrad Birdie in our gym!
Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss
One last kiss
Oh, one more time
Mmm, baby, one more time
It really is sublime
Ah, baby, so sublime
You know I need your love
Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss
One last kiss
Baby
Give me one last kiss
Baby
Give me one last kiss
Oh, one last kiss
Give me one last kiss
It never felt like this
Nah, baby, not like this
You know I need your love
- Oh, oh, oh
- Okay. Cut.
We'll rehearse
the song later, Conrad.
- Al, what's the exact length?
- Oh, uh, 1:20.
Check. That gives us 2:40
for Sullivan's intro to Kim...
Kim's good luck speech to Conrad.
Then Conrad socks over a plug
for army enlistments...
bangs into the song, and we top it off
with the big kisseroo.
- Kim?
- Yes, sir.
Beg pardon,
but when do I make my speech?
Speech? What speech?
I promised Mr. McAfee he could say a few
words. After all, he's Kim's father.
- Yes, he is.
- Kind of a hello from a proud parent.
All right,
but ya can't have much time.
In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds
on the nose.
Gotcha. I'll just say a few words,
get some big laughs.
- And introduce the mayor.
- The mayor?
- Ah, come on, Al. What is this?
- I... We had a problem.
I had to give the mayor a spot
to humor McAfee.
All right, but we'll have to take
ten seconds away from McAtee.
I imagine songwriting must be
quite a lucrative profession.
- Oh, yes it is.
- How many records will they sell?
Oh, about one or two million.
You know, Claude, I had a pertectly
wonderful time last night.
- You really are a wonderful dancer.
- Oh, I don't know.
When one's heart sings,
one's feet take wings.
Oh, how lyrical.
Is that Shelley or Keats?
- That, my dear, is Paisley.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Shall we go?
- Sure.
Okay, everybody. Take your places.
Now come on, Kim.
Just move right over there.
Just read it like
you normally would. Okay.
And we, your admirers, are proud that
our military leaders have called upon...
- Conrad, honey!
- Please, Mrs. Peterson.
We're rehearsing.
All right now, Kim.
Could you move over one, please?
Kim, you're talking too fast.
Now once more, dear, but slower.
- To express to you...
- Tell me, Mrs. Peterson.
- What does your husband do?
- I don't know. He's dead.
And, and, and I want to say...
on behalf of all the girls
who are your devoted admirers...
- Oh, I forgot what's next.
- Come on, man. Let's go.
- Hi, Hugo.
- They don't want all this jazz.
- Yeah.
- They want Conrad.
Look. There's the camera.
I bail in, I sing up a storm...
I give this chick the message...
This is my best side.
- Applause.
- She's fainted.
- I'll dig you later.
- Hey, enough! I'm puttin' my foot down!
My baby!
Now I'm puttin' my foot down.
She's not goin' on that show!
Oh, yes, she is.
You're not wreckin' my career.
- Oh, what happened?
- Tell him you're through...
because you do not wish to humiliate
your steady in this sordid fashion.
Hugo Peabody, you take that back!
I will not,
but I will take my pin back.
Oh, with pleasure.
Conrad, I know you're tense,
but we haven't finished.
- The number's not ready.
- Conrad's a trooper, like I was.
- Us troopers get tense.
- Yeah. Like she said, like.
Conrad, why don't you and I
go for a nice ride in the country?
Uh-uh. Man, I hope
I never get that tense.
I never should have said that
to Rosie.
- Who does he think he is anyway?
- AI, I got a wire here from Ed Sullivan.
"Russian Ballet switching to different
dance requiring additional four minutes.
Therefore, the entire Birdie spot
must be cut to less than 30 seconds."
- Cut?
- "Tell Peterson and Rosie...
I'm sorry song is out,
but no choice."
No. They can't do this.
They can't cut the song.
They've already done it, kid. In 30
seconds all Birdie can do is take a bow.
I'm awfully sorry.
The Russians!
First they take Czechoslovakia,
and now they take my four minutes.
- Oh, Mama.
- Oh, baby!
Well, that's, that's show business.
There are chicks just ripe
for some kissin'
And I mean to kiss me a few
Man, those chicks don't know
what they're missin'
I got a lot of livin' to do
Sizzlin' steaks
all ready for tastin'
And there's Cadillacs
all shiny and new
Gotta move
'cause time is a-wastin'
I got a lot of livin' to do
There's music to play
places to go
People to see
Everything for you and me
Life's a ball
if only you know it
And it's all
just waitin' for you
You're alive
so come on and show it
Yeah, we got a lot of livin' to do
There are men
With childhood behind them
Handsome men
From Yale or Purdue
Older men
And I'm gonna find 'em
I got a lot of livin'
To do
I'm a-gonna have fun
Gonna be wild
Have my own way
I may break
A heart a day
Drink champagne
As if it were water
Pink champagne
And after a few
Daddy dear
You won't know your daughter
She's got a lot of livin'
To do
Think I'll be
A ring-a-ding drummer
Make each week
A thousand or two
Gorgeous girls
Will beg for my number
Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do
Yes, I'm gonna break out
Gonna take off
Gonna be free
This town is awfully square
for a cat like me
Or I'll be
A super jet pilot
Fly me high
Way out in the blue
And then they'll see
I'm no shrinkin' violet
Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do
I got a lot of livin'
To do
- There's music to play
- Places to go
People to see
Ah, everything for you and me
Life's a ball
If only you know it
Yeah, and it's all
just waitin' for you
Oh, you're alive
So come on and show it
Yeah, we got a lot of livin'
Such a lot of livin'
Tonight's the night
we're gonna fly
Let's kick this hick town
into high
I want a taste of everything
Let's live it up and really swing
Got a lot of livin', livin'
Livin', livin'
Livin' to do
Live!
But you needn't bite my head off.
I only ask a civil question.
Ten times you've asked me.
I don't know why they've changed
to this slow dance for the TV.
But if Albert can't get him
to cut it shorter...
tomorrow night
I won't be on Ed Sullivan.
Neither will Kim.
You know how much it means to her.
- How about m...
- Well, anyway...
Albert's still in with the managers,
so that's a good sign.
If Eisenhower couldn't handle
the Russians, how is Albert?
Long live Joseph Stalin.
I mean, Stalin lived too long.
Long live Khrushchev.
Save your life? Me?
My triend,
it you are sick, see a doctor.
If you're sick, see a doctor.
You speak English?
It saves time.
What can I do for you,
uh, Mr. Peterson?
Sir, I have come to appeal to you.
That ballet... the one
that you're doing on TV tomorrow night...
Da, for Mr. Ed Sullivan.
Yeah. That's the one.
Could you just cut that four minutes?
Well, it's beautiful. I love it,
but my life depends on it.
Desecrate this classic?
I need the time
for Conrad Birdie to sing my song.
Who sent you here?
Senator Goldwater?
Will you cut three minutes?
Two minutes?
A minute and a halt.
To cut even ten seconds
would be artistic sabotage.
This ballet
has historic significance.
It was performed the same day
as the funeral of the czar.
Lenin himself made the arrangement.
- Lenin arranged music?
- No! Funerals!
- Hello, Rose.
- Oh, hi, Kim. You still up?
Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose.
I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even
going to be on TV.
Why not?
The ballet's taking tour extra minutes,
so Birdie's song and the kiss are out.
Oh, serves Albert right.
Oh, now come on. Relax.
Faithless men like Albert and Hugo...
they're all alike...
from puberty to stupidity...
from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini.
Men. We laugh at them, right?
It's easy for you to pick up
the pieces of your shattered dream.
You've tound a compensation.
Ah, that Claude Paisley
is just too much.
He's too much, all right.
But I won't mention of what.
All that charm... so genteel...
so educated, so underhanded!
You mean Mr. Paisley's like
all the rest?
I thought he was the marrying type.
Oh, he is.
He wanted to elope tonight.
And you know what?
He'd like to live in New York.
Uh, not to teach...
to be a songwriter.
A songwriter?
He's all the things
I want to get away from.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I never dreamed that Mr. Paisley,
of all men...
Oh, well. Men.
They're only out to use us, Kim.
I know. Hugo's used me
since we were freshman.
All those years I wasted
on Albert.
Rosie the dependable one,
Rosie the patient one...
Rosie the good girl.
I know it sounds old-tashioned,
but I'm not ashamed to admit it.
- I'm still a good girl.
- Rose?
- Hmm?
- So am I.
No kidding?
Well, you won't be sorry.
- Are you going out so late?
- Mm-hmm.
My farewell to Sweet Apple... a night
to remember. I'm going to Maude's Cate.
Maude's? That's a wild place.
You're not gonna do anything rash?
Whatever you hear about me, Kim...
just tell them that
she loved not wisely, but too well.
This is the place, Albert...
hottest spot in the county.
- How do you know?
- Oh, I heard... only heard.
Albert, don't go in that place.
- I must. It's the only way.
- But drinking won't solve anything.
He's frustrated.
Good-bye. Thanks.
I'd go in there with ya
it I weren't a happy family man...
and not allowed to enjoy myself.
Oh, please, Mister, I...
Oh, my arm!
- I just want to...
- I'm telling you for the last time!
- All I want is a drink.
- No drinks! Now get lost!
Well, just a pint ot bourbon?
Gin? Scotch?
Well, how about a malted
with a little vodka?
Come back when you're 21.
Oh, well, I'm way over 21. I only
look young from too much drinkin'.
Oh, look at me.
Look at the shell of a human being...
the monster you've created.
Oh, I'm sorry about... Uh, Hugo,
don't worry. You'll get Kim back.
No, thanks.
The bloom is off the rose.
Rose. Little Rose...
a precious flower
that I trampled on.
There you go.
A toast to Mae. She's okay.
I'm a songwriter too, huh?
Would you call the McAfee house again
and see if my Al... Sonny!
Mama, what are you doin'
in a place like this?
We're playin' canasta.
I got lonesome.
- Did you cut the Russians?
- And why are you consorting with him?
- Glad to meet you.
- Now looks ain't everything.
Besides, Mr. Maude
is 100% gentlemen and a widower.
Three times. Sit down, Albert.
Any son ot Mae Peterson is a friend
of mine. Come. Sit down. Go on.
Mama, get your things. We're taking
the bus to New York tonight.
Your song! It's all off?
- It's dead, like I am. Let's go.
- You ain't going, Mae. Say you ain't!
- You unhand her. Come on, Mama.
- Okay, buster. Set 'em up!
Double scotch and gin on the side
and, uh, a bourbon chaser.
Make that a triple chaser,
and bring on the dancing boys!
Well, come on. Make me the drinks,
Meyer. We gotta put out this fire.
Everything is Rosie
Cha, cha, cha
- 'Cause my name is Rosie
- Oh, the poor thing.
- Fifi, huh
- She can't get over me.
- She's singing the song I wrote for her.
- You wrote her a song?
Well, only eight bars, Mama.
Somehow I never could finish it.
Hey, what's with the red cap?
You got a train inside?
Where are you goin'?
I'm gonna go down and see what
the boys in the back room will have.
Albert, where are you going?
To save her from herself... to save her
for me. She might get in trouble.
Report on the charity bazaar we ran
for the benefit of the old folk home...
to wit net cash receipts, $840.06.
Valuable goods contributed,
two milk cows, live...
eighty lugs ot fresh fruit...
forty-five young cumquat trees...
one ton of fertilizer...
And now,
betore the recording secretary...
reads the minutes
from last week's meeting...
I wish to bring up a subject...
that I know is on everybody's mind...
tonight.
As I was saying, gentlemen...
Yeah!
Yeah!
No. Listen, fellas...
Watch out!
Rosie, baby.
Good morning, darling.
Way past noon. Sleep okay, honey?
Mm-hmm. I tried not to.
I wanted to keep reliving
that wonderful moment...
when my shining knight...
rushed into the sultan's cave...
and carried me oft.
Oh, that's just the beginning.
Pack. We're takin' the bus
to Niagara Falls.
Oh, yes, dear.
You never saw me
in pajamas betore.
You disappointed?
Mm-mm.
Are you?
Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls...
a jet!
Albert, we came here
to get your mother set financially...
and our marriage
wouldn't have a chance...
if we started off feeling guilty
about deserting her.
That's right. It may be a long time
betore I make any money.
Not if Birdie sang
your song tonight.
No chance. I pleaded.
They won't shorten the ballet...
not even ten seconds.
It's the slowest dance I ever saw.
They move like turtles.
- What?
- Randolph!
Boys, those are really showstoppers.
Frank, Dean and Sammy,
come on out here and take a bow.
Frank, Dean and Sammy McWilliams.
Thank you, boys.
Right now, here on our stage,
the magnificent orchestra...
of American composer-conductor
Ray Block.
Now, really. Let's hear it.
Well, that ought to do it.
Any questions?
- No, sir. Not at all.
- Okay. I'm going backstage.
Right.
Don't know why I let that Albert
drag us here.
Rosie said she might have
a big surprise for us.
Maybe they'll show us sitting here
on TV. I bet that's it.
- Where did you get all that money?
- I sold Mr. Peterson my chemical set.
- Two minutes, maestro.
- Borov will be there.
Have never been late
for performance in whole career.
- You say you from magazine?
- Uh, yes. American Ballet magazine.
We want a picture of the world's
greatest conductor, Maestro Borov.
You flatter me.
So, shoot me quick.
Uh, drinking this milk.
- Milk?
- Yes.
We drink vodka, little tlower.
Oh, well, no, thank you.
Please, maestro. This milk.
You see, our president
has asked us to drink more milk...
and it would be
a goodwill gesture.
- President?
- Yes.
Oh, won't you, please, maestro...
to improve our relations?
You are pretty enough
to be un-American.
All right. Here we go.
Drink up. That's it.
Now keep drinking until I frame you...
Uh, frame you pertectly. All right.
Bottoms up. That's it.
Very good.
You've got it. I mean, gotcha!
See you after, could be?
- I'll catch up with ya.
- And for you I do not go too fast.
We shall see.
Good-bye. Thank you.
Mission accomplished.
- He drank it?
- Yeah.
My formula works on chickens
and Randolph's turtle...
but I don't know about humans.
Well, it it doesn't,
we're no worse off...
but if it does, this will be
the shortest ballet in history.
And now, ready America and Canada?
Because here we go out
to Columbus, Ohio...
where the Moscow Ballet dances
"The Rose Adagio"...
from Tchaikovsky's
Sleeping Beauty...
conducted by Maestro Borov.
Take it away, CBS Columbus, Ohio.
We're on. Up on one.
Lights.
Camera two, can you move to your right
just a couple of feet?
Magniticent.
It's not gonna work.
This is crazy. That's not the way
it was rehearsed.
What is it, sabotage?
We'll have to fill some time.
Put the Birdie song back in.
Gotcha, Ed.
Take over.
Be prepared tor the Birdie spot.
Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in.
Find Conrad. Rosie, get Kim.
- Right.
- Put the Birdie spot on stage. Let's go!
McAfee, hurry up! Come on.
Let's go. The song is back in!
- A miracle happened! Let's go!
- What? Come on!
Are you crazy, Borov?
I've never seen such speedin' dancers.
Thank you, Moscow Ballet...
for that brilliant
and unexpected bit of burlesque.
And now, another great treat...
Conrad Birdie.
On behalf of all the members...
ot the Sweet Apple chapter
of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club...
We wish to express to you...
our great pride in your brave deed.
- Hiya, Ed.
- Oh, no.
Oh, hi. How are ya?
I wish to convey our deep pride...
in your brave deed, namely...
As a citizen,
I'm proud to have Conrad...
defend my family
and the McAfee Fertilizer Company.
Conrad, sing!
Oh, one last kiss
Give me one last kiss
It never felt like this
Nah, baby, not like this
You know I need your love
Give me one last kiss
One last kiss
Oh, one more time
Mmm, baby, one more time
It really is sublime
Ah, honey, so sublime
You know I need your love
Give me one last kiss
One last kiss
Baby
Give me one last kiss
Baby
Give me one la...
Yoo-hoo! Albert!
I saw it all on TV.
"One Last Kiss" was a disaster.
Who wants to buy a record
of a guy with a glass jaw?
Now will you take Mama's advice
and get out of show business?
I am! My song may be dead, but
my chemical formula works... on people.
Shh. The Russians
may have this place bugged.
It was Albert's formula that made
the orchestra leader go that fast.
My genius!
You gotta work on my cleaning woman.
She gets a dollar an hour.
Yeah. Mama...
Rosie and I are going
to Niagara Falls.
Well...
it's about time.
Oh, Mae!
You have to come with us!
No. I'm one mother
doesn't mix in. Maude!
Don't fall in the pit, Maude.
- Albert?
- Yes.
I would like to do things proper.
So I would like the honor
of becoming your stepfather.
Is it all right, Albert?
Mama, with my blessing!
- I'm glad because we just got married.
- Yes.
- What a surprise!
- How exciting! It's beautitul!
- Congratulations!
- Thank you very much.
Let's go, Maudie!
We're leavin' for Akron.
Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants
me to throw out the first beer can.
- Yeah! Good-bye, son!
- The falls are wet. Take your rubbers!
- Bye!
- Yes, Mrs. Maude.
How about that?
Maude and Mrs. Peterson.
- Oh, ready here, Albert.
- Be right with you.
No hurry, partner.
I promise you one thing, snookums.
No matter how many millions I make
sellin' "Speed Up"...
I'll still be the same,
humble, lovable guy.
And it any of those hicks try
to push me around, I'll break 'em.
Everything is Rosie
Since I found my Rosie
Same old words.
With a girl like Rosie
How could I be blue
Same eight bars. Now what?
Hand in hand, we'll mosey
Me and little Rosie
We will be so cozy
By a fire built for two
Oh, Albert, you're too much.
Oh, I once heard a poem that goes
A rose is a rose is a rose
But I don't agree
Take it from me
There's one rose sweeter
than any that grows
And that's my Rosie
I'm so glad she chose me
Life is one sweet
Beautiful song to me
Everything is Hugo
I will go where you'll go
With a boy like Hugo
How could I be blue
We will be so cozy
Just like Al and Rosie
But we're gonna mosey
In a hot rod built for two
- And that's my Rosie
- Gee, how delighted we'll be
- I'm so glad she chose me
- When you are cozy with me
Life is one sweet beautiful song
When love is right
then what could be wrong
Life is one sweet
Beautiful song to me
Bye, bye
Birdie
The army's got you now
I'll try
Birdie
To forget somehow
No more
Sighing
Each time you move those lips
No more
Dying
When you twitch those hips
Your swivel and your sway
Your super-duper class
There's nothing left to say
But, Conrad, you're a gas
Bye, bye
Birdie
Ta, ta, ol' sweetie pie
Bye, bye
Birdie
Time for me to fly
Time for me to fly
Time to say good-bye
Bye, now