I believe in America.
I believe we're the best.
I believe we're number one.
And I don't want to apologize for that.
My husband and I are survivors.
We fought tooth and nail to
get to where we are today.
How? The old-fashioned way:
hard work and
a can-do attitude.
And here in the great state
of Iowa no less,
where all great battles begin.
My name is Laura Dean Pickler
and this is the cutthroat story
of greed, blackmail,
sex and butter.
Bob? Bob Pickler?
Bob Pickler, where are ya?
Ah, there you are.
Stand up for us, please.
That's us.
The Picklers. Bob and Laura.
We were the royal family
of butter carving.
Oh, sure, laugh.
But did you know more people
saw the butter sculptures of
the Iowa State Fair last year
than went to the Super Bowl?
No, of course you didn't.
How could you, with the
liberal media as biased as it is?
Would you dim
the lights, please?
Sit down and watch this.
Oh, I come to the Iowa State Fair every
year and that's mainly because of Bob.
Born into poverty
in Battle Creek, Iowa in 1968,
Bob Pickler found solace
in his best friend,
a young calf named Suki.
But tragedy arrived when Bob
was just eight years old.
Suki was struck dead
by lightning.
Distraught, Bob carved
a likeness of his beloved Suki
with the only thing the Picklers had
in the icebox... a block of butter.
Even though his mother destroyed
young Bob's first sculpture,
Bob was bit by the
butter-carving bug.
He first entered the
Mastery in Butter competition
15 years ago,
his lovely wife Laura
encouraging him
every step of the way.
With a controversial,
yet staggeringly elegant piece
titled
"Newt Gingrich on Horse."
Hey, hon.
What do you think?
Look at Newt.
Oh, it's great.
How do you like my haircut?
I'd better like it.
It cost me 15 bucks.
I'm worth it.
Get over here. Aww!
Thus began his
unprecedented winning streak
that included the world-famous
"T-Rex Eating Girl."
- Well, back in '94...
- It was '95.
- Well, '94...
- It was '95.
OK. We'll call it '95.
'94, actually, but...
Bob comes out and reveals his piece.
"Schindler's List."
"Schindler's List!"
- Here we go.
- Sorry.
It just made me cry.
And we're not even Jewish.
But no one could imagine
the showstopper
the boy from Battle Creek
would pull out this year.
A life-size replica
of "The Last Supper"
that the Des Moines Register
called "better than the original."
I really think Bob and I
could parlay this fame
we have from butter
into politics.
I mean, don't be surprised if you
see us in the Governor's mansion,
or the White House.
This is just the beginning.
Bob Pickler,
ladies and gentlemen!
Fifteen wonderful years!
Butter was my world...
...until it all came
crashing down.
If you can believe it, the
first time I saw Mrs. Pickler
I actually wished she and
Mr. Pickler would take me in.
You know, of
course the awards are wonderful.
But what is most satisfying
to me, and to Bob,
is the attention we bring
to our charity, Camp Butter.
- Yes.
- Where we help children with special needs.
The foster people had just
put me with a bunch of families
and anyone had to
be better than them.
First was the Moores.
They were home-schoolers,
which always spells trouble.
And then God
cast down the angels
and they fell to earth,
which is where
dinosaur bones come from.
Next came Mrs. Carmichael.
She was on pills.
Just tell the doctor you've been
anxious lately and you need Klonopin.
OK. Klonopin.
You're gonna be such
a great daughter.
- I liked her.
- Stupid child-proof cap.
She was always so calm.
Here, you try.
Too calm to run from the police, I guess.
They're not mine!
So after that came the Gundersons.
They were old.
The red button is
for the ambulance.
Tell her about the red button.
So you can understand why I wasn't
on to Mrs. Pickler's bull sooner.
Plus, I was only
ten at the time.
Now that I'm 11,
I know the truth.
White people are weirdos.
Did they find my mom yet?
Come on, sweetheart.
It's late.
Your room's still empty.
Thank you.
"Pickin' Up The Pieces"
Excuse me.
Wow!
Laura Dean Pickler!
- Hi, Carol Ann Stevenson.
- Hey, Carol Ann.
Look at you,
you look just amazing.
It's brave of you to wear stirrup
pants with your body type.
Thank you. My pants keep
riding up
and I need to
pull them down with my feet.
They're hard to find,
Ill say that, but I found 'em.
Hey there.
Can I have a look at that?
Wow.
You're good.
Really good.
A real natural.
You're a quiet one, aren't ya?
That's OK.
So was John Wayne, so...
Can I borrow this?
Bob makes butter
carving look so easy.
I even think I could do it
sometimes.
Then I'm like, "Wake up,
Carol Ann! You're in a dream!"
That summer, they put me
with Miss Jill and Mr. Ethan.
They were the whitest people I'd ever met.
I wasn't expecting
to stay very long.
These people always
get cold feet.
This will be your bedroom.
It's pink.
Yeah. I told her
to go with green.
No, it's pretty.
- There's a TV?
- Oh, yeah.
It's not HD though, so, sorry.
And no watching past eight.
Is that what we said, eight?
- No TV past nine.
- Nine, right.
Eight, what is this, prison?
"Lights out!"
Um...
- Is there anything you need?
- No. Thank you.
What do you like to do for fun?
Do you have hobbies?
We can buy you some stuff,
like books or a globe.
I'm not really
that good at anything.
Oh... What? That's crazy.
Everybody's good at something.
Not me.
My last mom told me so.
Well, you don't have to worry about
stuff like that anymore, OK?
- OK.
- So if you need us, you know.
- We'll be out there.
- Yeah. "Paging Mom and Dad."
- OK. OK.
- All right.
One, two, three, Camp Butter!
I've always said that your
people are the small flashlights
that help a dark world
find its lost car keys.
- What?
- Let's hear it for Camp Butter!
What can I do you for, Orval?
Look, the panel's
been doing some talking,
and, uh...
you've had a good run.
Well, 15 years.
You're a legend.
You're in Parade Magazine.
You're the Elvis of butter.
But we just kinda feel
like it's time...
...you gave
somebody else a shot.
Uh-huh.
We're prepared to offer
you a spot at State.
Um... you could be a judge.
With me and Mary Alice
and Carl Hudgens.
- Carl Hudgens is a good guy.
- He's a great guy.
It's time to start giving back.
You know, like Oprah does.
Yeah, well, she's got
that Angel Network.
I just have one
sort of delicate question.
- Laura?
- Laura.
You know,
I really think that Bob
could be an excellent mayor.
or even, or even governor.
'Cause I know she's...
...she's very, uh... involved.
Oh, she's fine.
She'll be fine.
Laura...
These fuckers have no idea
who they're dealing with.
We're the motherfucking
Picklers.
Clearly Orval wanted you
out of the way.
I have always known
what kind of man he was.
I never thought
he'd go this far.
You know Orval is a good man.
He has had it out for us
from day one, Bob.
I will call the governor.
That's what I'll do.
I'll call the governor.
Or Jesus. I mean, don't you
have his direct line?
My constitutional rights are being
violated and I will call the governor.
The governor
doesn't care, Laura.
What did you say?
The governor doesn't care.
Whose side are you on, Bob?
It's time to pass
the baton, Laura.
I need to start giving back.
Like Oprah.
How dare you
bring Oprah into this?
Kaitlen, sweetie.
Could you please provide your
father and me with some privacy?
She can stay.
Cover your balls, Dad.
I see what happened here, Bob.
You didn't stand up
for yourself, did you?
That's what happened here.
I think it'd show a real touch
of class if we stepped down now.
I guess Dad was right when he
warned me against marrying someone
whose biggest dream was to be
the middle school principal.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It just means maybe I should've taken his advice
- and married Boyd Bolton.
- Boyd Bolton?
At least he inherited a
successful car dealership.
I am done.
I doubt Boyd would just give up Bolton
Supercenter at the drop of a hat, Bob.
Laura, please.
You get back here, Bob.
If you won't stand up to them,
then I will!
Fucking freaks.
I gotta ask you, you just turned
down over a half a million dollars.
I told her not to pick 22.
Oh, shit! Tell her I'm not here.
What? Who? What's going on?
- Laura. Laura Pickler.
- Oh, God. Here?
- Tell her I'm fishing.
- At night?
Oh, God! Why is she here?
- Orval!
- What if she gets inside?
- Orval!
- Can you hear me?
I hear you!
- One is worth $200,000.
- Yeah.
One case is worth one million.
Laura.
How nice to see you.
Where's Orval?
He's in the shower.
Maybe I can have him
call you later.
I'll wait.
If you ask me,
number 24 is too thin.
Oh, I see how it is.
He wants to play a game, does he?
Well, you tell
Orval this isn't over.
That's what I'm
talking about, baby!
# Only love makes you kill #
# Breaks your legs
breaks your will #
# Pulls you up by the roots #
# Makes you fall down too #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
# Harder #
# Deeper #
# Faster #
How are they gonna
do it without me?
Who's gonna throw
the Butter Brunch, Helen?
Please.
And Camp Butter. It doesn't
just organize itself.
And to think, I was just about to donate all
my past gala gowns to the state fair museum.
Ohh.
I give so much.
You're the only man
who cares about me.
That's not true. I'm sure there
is plenty of men who like you.
Your father cares
about you, right?
My father raped me.
Oh, my God!
I just... I need
someone to take care of me.
Someone who understands me,
someone to love me.
Not just someone to pay my rent
which, by the way, comes out
to $560 a month plus utilities.
That's actually
a really good deal.
But listen, Tokyo Rose...
- What? What?
- Oh, my.
- What?
- Tokyo Rose...
Brooke.
My real name's Brooke.
Brooke.
I think I love you.
- Too soon?
- No.
Here we go, um...
Here, I wanna give you...
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
Oh, I couldn't
possibly accept this.
No.
Oh, that's a hundy.
You are such a good person.
Mmm.
You just give and give
and give, and others
just take and take and take...
Oh, fuck!
But my strongest belief in life is
that you should always take the high road.
What the fuck?!
She had tattoos, Bob.
How long has this been going on?
It's just the one time. Look.
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
You're not innocent
in this whole thing, OK?
You're sleeping
on the couch tonight.
I sleep on
the couch every night.
If I were you...
I'd get a good night's sleep.
Because County is in a month
and we got a lot of work to do.
Laura, it's over. I'm not entering County.
Orval and I agreed.
We gotta get the butter,
we gotta sharpen the trowels.
We gotta check the cooling unit because the
temperature thing's been all fucked up for ages.
- We gotta...
- Listen to me. I'm not competing this year.
I know.
- I am.
- What?
I'm competing.
I'll win County.
And after that I will bring back
what is rightfully ours.
And you're gonna help me.
Good night.
There's Advil in the kitchen
for your penis.
So I checked your schedule.
You got Mr. Evans for History.
He's very, very old,
so be patient.
I actually think he was around for most
of the historical events that he covers.
Here we are.
You'll be fine.
I'll be in room 412
if you need me.
Just a short walk away.
- OK.
- OK.
Go get 'em.
When you draw your tree,
I want you to rid
your conscious mind
of any notion of what you think
a tree should look like.
Here.
You can use mine.
- I have two.
- Thanks.
You know black people?
Yeah.
Well, I wanted you to know
I think they're real cool.
Thanks.
Destiny. I wanted to tell you how
thrilled I am to have you in my class.
You're a very talented artist.
I'm not really that good.
We expect big things from you.
My new foster parents and
everyone at my new school were so nice,
that I couldn't help but think,
are these crackers for real?
You know how you guys asked if
I needed anything a while back?
Mm-hmm. Shoot.
You don't have butter.
Thank you. I know. It's Jill.
Believe me, she means well.
You know, she used to be worse.
She used to buy this
fake meat called seitan.
- Like the devil?
- Exactly like the devil.
- I'll get you some. Yeah.
- Really?
OK. I'm gonna need
like 200 pounds.
# It feels good to be home #
Honey.
Honey, just...
She's coming.
Here it comes.
Thank you.
- Beautiful chicken.
- Thank you.
Well, Kaitlen, your father
and I have some great news.
As you know the Mastery in Butter
Committee has turned on your father
like Judas Iscariot himself.
The good news is that,
instead of your father
I will be competing this year.
- I think we should be proud of your mother.
- Stepmother.
And have you ever made a butter
sculpture before?
You don't even eat dairy.
Oh, man, you are
gonna suck so hard.
- Kaitlen.
- I guess I expected outsiders to be skeptical,
but my own family?
I have stood by your father
for the past 15 years.
Watching, learning, absorbing.
I was there when he turned 867 sticks
of butter into First Lady Laura Bush.
I was there when,
two days before State,
the cooler broke and his Iwo Jima
just turned into a river of yellow.
And I am here now
in his darkest hour of need
to lift him up
and preserve our legacy.
Bird or door, Bob.
Pick one. Let's go.
- Hey, boo!
- You can't be here.
Oh, but you still owe
me money, remember?
I never got the rest
of the money.
That shit ain't free.
This isn't happening.
But you said you loved me, Bob.
That was a little early for me.
But we did it. I never do it
with guys from the club, Bob.
Dad? Who's that?
Nobody.
Nobody?!
- Is she a hooker?
- No, no.
- I like her boots.
- Those are Army boots.
She's a recruiter.
Wait a minute.
Is she your hooker?
- Because I totally understand if she is.
- Kaitlen.
Go back to the table right now.
Nobody? Nobody?! Bob!
Brooke! Can't we
do this over email?
Bob, I'm gonna shit
on the hood of your car.
I see. You are definitely
a passionate woman.
You have two minutes to get me
that money or I swear to God.
I'm sorry, Brooke, I can't.
I'm married.
You know what? Fuck you!
You are just like my father.
- My wife controls the checkbook.
- Your wife, Bob?
I can't believe you're gonna
let your wife come between us.
- I thought you had morals.
- OK.
You tell your wife
to watch her back.
Will do. Thanks.
Fuck you, Bob!
No, thank you.
We have plenty of steak knives.
You owe me, Bob.
You owe me big.
Can I come in?
Sure.
- So how was your first day?
- Good.
Ethan said you were interested in
doing that butter contest thing?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
It's kind of redneck-y.
I don't mind.
Looks like you've
been practicing.
Who's that?
That's my real dad.
And this is my mom.
And this must be you.
Don't you look all happy.
No. That's my sister.
So where are you?
Well, I'm here.
Don't worry. My real mom
will come get me soon.
OK.
Time for bed.
- Hey, is she good?
- She's fine.
Great.
The Secret is within you.
The more you use
the power within you,
the more you will
draw it to you.
You will reach a point where you
won't need to practice anymore,
because you will be the power,
you will be the perfection,
- you will be the wisdom...
- Be the wisdom.
...you will be the intelligence,
you will be the love...
- ...you will be the joy.
- Be the joy.
Be the joy.
Oh, God what am I doing here?
I can't do this.
I'm not an artist.
I don't have any experience.
I just screwed up The Secret
by even thinking that.
Just shut up, Laura. Pull it
together, you stupid slut.
Don't call yourself a slut.
Oh, God.
OK.
I will win.
I will win.
Laura, I thought Bob was
judging State this year.
He is.
I'm signing up for myself.
Are you sure?
You have big shoes to fill,
following your husband like that.
Well, don't worry, I'm not a
feminist or anything like that.
I just worry about what would
happen if this title
and all the power that
goes with it ends up
in the hands of someone
other than a Pickler.
I mean, we all know what happened
with the Miss America Pageant
and Vanessa Williams.
Well, I guess I see your point.
I see I'm the only name here in Johnson County.
What time do we wrap this up?
Official rules state
we need to be here until noon.
I'll wait.
Good.
Do you want me to go in
with you?
Don't tell Jill,
because she always likes me
to think positive.
but what I like to do is this.
I imagine all the bad things
that could possibly happen
if you enter this contest.
Like you could die
of a tragic butter overdose.
There could be a rabid grizzly bear
hiding inside this very moose lodge,
waiting to tear your face off.
There could be a python inside.
What if this place is full
of monkeys with a deadly virus?
There could be
the ghost of Hitler.
What if there's no gravity in there?
And you float up
and bang your head on the ceiling.
And then all of a sudden,
gravity kicks in and then you
bang your head on the floor?
- There could be a black hole and it'd suck me all up.
- Yes.
What if this place is full of
good-looking British vampires?
- The worst of all of them.
- They're so pale.
- Or hungry cannibals.
- It could happen.
Or there could be a mass murderer who
only kills adorable little girls.
- Think about it.
- Or racist ninjas.
Or racist ninjas, yes.
High five.
That was a good one.
So think about all that
and ask yourself, really,
what's the worst thing
that could happen?
I could be terrible and lose.
Yeah.
Yeah, could you live with that?
I guess so.
OK then. So it's not
such a big deal, is it?
Go make us proud.
Bring me back some butter.
Adorable.
What is this place?
Laura?
Oh, my God!
Are you entering, too?
Oh, my God!
We have to get coolers right
next to each other!
It'll be just like camp!
How fun.
I'm really nervous.
I mean, what am I doing, right?
But I just said to myself,
"Carol Ann, you've been sitting
in the audience for too long.
Now's your time to get up on
that stage and sing!"
I'm so glad you're here.
We're gonna be
just like sisters.
Oh, no offense.
I'd like to sign up, please.
Oh, isn't that just precious.
So, that's that.
Looks like it'll be the three of us.
Is someone smoking?
Fuck this bullshit.
Hey.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
I want to... sign up.
For the Johnson County Mastery
in Butter Sculpture Competition?
Oh, man.
Yeah. That. I want
to sign up for that.
I'm gonna cut you.
Have you worked
with butter before?
Oh, I've worked with it all.
- I object.
- Uh...
You know, she is here on time
and the rules do state
that anyone can enter.
Look at what she's wearing.
This will go over very badly
with the Red Ribbon people.
Well, I don't see anything
in here about that. I really...
Ah!
Your husband still owes me
another $600.
Interesting. Did he buy
600 blowjobs on credit?
Look, lady, you came
in between me and my man.
Sh! We're in a Moose Lodge.
Bob is my husband.
We have built a life together.
Once Kaitlen leaves, I plan on
proudly bearing his children.
So? You want a cookie 'cause
you're gonna get pregnant?
I get pregnant
like once a month.
Do you honestly think
you're anything more
than a cheap lay to him?
He'll get bored.
After that he'll come right back
where he belongs,
to my house.
Listen...
Would you prefer it
if I didn't enter
this whole
butter contest thing?
Absolutely.
Excellent.
It's on, cunt.
I haven't heard that word
since my dad died.
Heavens! Look at that.
- Voila.
- Cool.
Jesus, Laura.
Hi!
Incredible.
This is weird.
Sh, sh, sh.
Honey.
This is great.
- What's that?
- I don't know.
- Hi, Carol Ann.
- I'm sorry to bother you.
I know you're busy
creating in here and...
Wow, Laura!
Talent does run
in the Pickler family. Wow.
- Well...
- Mine? I don't know.
I mean, you know, I thought
it would work out, but...
...golly, Laura,
this is really hard.
But my grandma used to say,
"You can't polish a..."
How's the girl's look?
- What?
- What's her name?
Destiny?
Amazing, isn't it?
I think that might be
Harriet Tubman.
Oh.
Well, she obviously decided
to play the race card.
I mean, it figures.
Whatever you lack in talent,
you gotta find some way to...
I gotta go.
"Little Secrets"
# Let this be
our little secret #
# No one needs to know
we're feeling #
# Higher and higher and higher
Higher and higher and higher #
# But I feel alive
Oh, I feel it in me #
# Up and up
we keep on climbing #
# Higher and higher
and higher... #
Oh.
OK, contestants.
Five, four...
...three, two...
...one.
Trowels down!
Ladies and gentlemen.
welcome to the
Johnson County Finals
for the State Mastery
in Butter Competition.
I would like to introduce our
esteemed panel of judges.
Betsy Lou Holt,
our reigning Miss Dairy.
Mayor of Iowa City,
Bill Olberweis.
And finally, State Head Judge
Orval Flanagan's wife,
Mrs. Helen Flanagan.
Now, we're going to let each contestant
say a few words about their work
before the judges
begin deliberating.
Carol Ann Stevenson?
That's mine.
I just really love kittens.
Especially when they get tangled
up in a blanket,
but I didn't know how to carve that,
so I just put them in a basket.
I hope that's OK.
Thank you!
Thank you, Carol Ann.
Uh, Brooke?
Many of you know that I am
a former stripper...
...often taking my job
a step further
and engaging in
sexual acts for money.
I went from man to man to man,
always looking,
always searching.
Then one day,
after I was nearly
beaten to death by a customer...
...I stumbled into another house.
A big welcoming house.
And met another man.
And that man was Jesus Christ.
I present to you,
"The Scarlet Letter."
For those of you who don't know,
it's a movie starring Demi Moore.
Thank you and God bless you.
Butter saves!
- Thank you, Brooke...
- Six hundred dollars.
- I don't have it.
- ...for the inspiration.
Um, OK. Destiny?
Hi. My name is Destiny.
My last name is either
Washington or Wilson.
The reason I'm not sure is because
the State of Iowa isn't sure.
You see, I am,
and have been, a foster child.
I've been shuttled
from home to home.
While some of my experiences
have been negative,
most of them have been
overwhelmingly positive.
So why then, can a
ten-year-old black girl
with no family, no money
and no connections
stand before you today and believe
that she can win this competition?
Why did the Pilgrims
dare to cross
the vast, dark oceans
to America?
Why did they risk it?
And why did a man
named Abraham Lincoln
move from a log cabin
to the... No, wait.
Move from a log house
to the White House
and risk both houses to keep
this great nation together?
The same reason a poor black
woman risked life and limb,
partnering with white
and black people alike
to bring my ancestors to freedom
on the Underground Railroad.
Why?
Because she dared to dream.
And that's kinda what
I'm doing here today.
Thank you very much.
How'd you do that?
Wow.
That's a hard act to follow.
Oh, um...
Last, but, uh, certainly
not least, Laura Pickler!
Laura, come on up.
Family.
When... when I think
about butter
I think about family.
Why?
Because like the thread
of a grandmother's quilt,
butter is the centerpiece
of a family dinner.
And family, in turn,
is the thread that holds our
great country together.
Without butter,
there is no family,
and without family,
there is no...
This is really hard.
Just take your time, dear.
Um...
I'd like to remind you
what this contest is about.
It is about
"excellence in butter."
I have spent my life
working hard,
trying to do the right thing.
Because I thought that's what
this competition was about.
I just hope when you vote,
you remember that.
Thank you.
God bless America.
God bless you, Laura,
God bless you.
Thank you, all four of you.
How'd I do?
You carved two more people
than anyone else.
We now have coffee and donut
holes in the back for everyone
while the judges deliberate.
Donut holes!
If I may have your attention.
We have a decision.
In fourth place,
Carol Ann Stevenson.
Come on, come on!
Congrats, Carol Ann.
Uh, and in third place,
Brooke Swinkowski.
What?!
Hey, I know you're only, like,
ten and shit, but listen up.
You beat that skanky ass bitch.
You beat her hard. I've done all I can do.
It's up to you now.
OK.
You're a good girl.
I don't think I want you hanging
out with strippers, OK?
OK, if I may have
your attention.
Um, will Laura Pickler
and Destiny please come up?
Representing Johnson County
in the Iowa State Fair.
Mastery in Butter Competition
this year will be...
...Destiny!
I guess it was wrong of me to
say that all white people are weird.
That's not true at all.
Actually, white people
are really awesome!
Screw that little Afro girl.
- Dad!
- Kaitlen, your mother is upset.
What is it, African-Iowan?
It's not my responsibility
to keep up with whatever it is they're
calling themselves these days.
- What?
- She knew she was good all along.
All along, she hustled us.
She's a hustler.
What is your problem? It's just
some stupid contest. God.
I cannot wait to get away
from this stupid family.
Really?
Maybe I'll just be a stripper,
like Dad's new friend.
Stupid Laura. You know
what you should've said?
This is exactly why I stopped
watching American Idol.
Because every year the best
singer gets up there,
and every year she gets knocked
down by some charity case
with a baby and a mug shot.
Well, I'm sorry that I was born
white and tall and pretty.
And I'm sorry that I don't sit
in front of the TV all day,
eating pork rinds
and just soiling myself.
And I'm sorry that I haven't spent
the last 15 years of my life
sucking every cock that flew in front of my
face just to put on a cheap church dress
and claim to find God.
This is so messed up.
I hate my fucking life.
Language.
To Destiny!
- To Destiny!
- To me!
# She tastes like midnight #
# She tastes like wine #
# She tastes like midnight #
# She tastes like wine #
# I'm gonna run my fingers #
# All down your spine #
# Just like a bad dream #
# Staying on my mind #
Boyd. Boyd Bolton.
Laura Pickler.
Boyd Bolton.
It's been a long time.
Bob wrecked our minivan.
Oh, yeah, I see that.
Wow. What did he do?
He slammed into something he
shouldn't have slammed into.
Well, if you want, we can...
...we can have it fixed for you
right away.
That would be excellent.
- You look great, Laura.
- Oh.
You look even better than you
did in high school.
- No.
- Yeah. Most women go the other way, but... Oh, my God.
- Have you had your boobs done?
- They're just cutlets in a friendly bra.
Oh, my God.
- How's your wife?
- Tammy?
- She's fine, I guess.
- Great.
# Waiting by the mailbox
by the train #
# Passing by the hills
till I hear the name #
# I'm looking for a saw
to cut the chains in half #
# And all I want
is someone to rely on #
# As thunder comes a-rolling down #
# Someone to rely on
as lightning comes #
# A-staring in again #
Ohh!
Brent and Tammy
Knepp of Rancho Bernardo
were about to give up
on swaddling their son.
Look at this shit.
It keeps babies
from punching themselves.
And don't you think it's weird
that babies can't sleep
without smacking
themselves in the face?
I mean, think about how
fucked up that is.
It's like you shouldn't
be able to exist or something
if you can't sleep without your arms
flailing around all over the place.
I mean, think about it. Is a baby
better off dead or in the suburbs?
In the suburbs you are forced
to live with some stupid family,
with stupid people that call you fat
even when you are not fat at all.
and you're forced to deal with
stupid guys like Rob Ackerman,
who don't call you back even
when you give them a blowjob
in the back of their Honda.
God, I hate people!
I cannot wait until everyone
just dies from global warming.
Right. Do you know
where your dad keeps his money?
Why?
Does he owe you money?
Like for sex?
He just owes me money.
Your hair is so cool.
No one at my school
has hair like that.
Thanks. So, the cash would
probably in the...
I've never met anyone
like you before.
You're so alternative.
...in a drawer or something
like that, in the...?
Maybe.
Hey.
Do you want to play
Truth or Dare?
Whoo!
Boyd! Oh!
How do you like that, Laura?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, don't stop.
Don't stop.
- I'm sorry, I can't do this.
- No, no, no, I can get you the $600.
Actually, it's $1200.
OK. You are so beautiful.
You're everything that
I've ever wanted to be.
And now you're
right here in my arms.
- OK.
- # Gonna spread you like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# Don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed #
# Gonna spread you
like butter #
# Baby on my bread #
# I don't want no other #
# Girl in my bed
Gonna spread you like... #
Are you there, God?
It's me, Boyd Bolton.
Oh, wait, there's probably
a lot of Boyd Boltons.
Hmm.
OK, so just so you know, I'm
the one that lives in Iowa City.
I don't think there's any other Boyd
Boltons that live in Iowa City,
but if there is, I'm the one
who runs Bolton Supercenter.
Yeah, anyway...
...I just wanted to take this
moment to thank you
for sending Laura Pickler
to fuck me.
I mean, I don't know what you
guys are doing up there,
but her pussy is like even tighter
than it was in high school.
It's... it's like she hasn't
even used it in 20 years.
Anyway...
...I just wanted to say...
...thank you.
You're so cool, God.
Amen.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Nancy.
What?!
Well, what could possibly be the
problem? She's ten years old.
Right, all right.
See you then. Good-bye.
I'm scared.
Why are you scared?
You're amazing.
Really, it's them that
should be scared.
No, I'm scared that you and
Miss Jill won't want me anymore.
What?!
It's happened before.
They just leave me.
Did you know that
Jill can't have kids?
Why?
Well, I mean,
that's complicated.
It's...
- Is her vagina broken?
- Yes.
Yep. That's it.
The adoption people would ask
us over and over again...
"Are you sure you
don't want a baby?
We can get you a baby.
You both have good jobs.
You have a nice house.
We can get you a baby."
But we made up this whole thing
in our heads that, like,
we wanted an older child because
they're always overlooked
and we'd be doing so much good for
society and the world and everything.
But the truth is,
we were afraid to have a baby.
Why?
I don't know.
It's OK to be scared, I guess.
Hey, you guys,
they're ready for us now.
Destiny, um, come in.
What's going on?
This is Martin Caswell
from Red Ribbon.
Julie,
send in Mr. Bolton.
Oh.
Boyd, would you tell these people,
please, what you told me? Exactly?
Oh, yeah.
On the evening of the 15th,
Mr. Ethan approached me,
knowing I have superior skills
in the art of sculpting butter.
And asked if I would help
his daughter, Destiny,
with her sculpture...
...with her entry for the Johnson
County Mastery in Butter contest.
I'm sorry, what?
I said no at first.
- But after he gave me $500...
- You're kidding!
...I snuck in when
no one was looking
and I... I carved
her sculpture for her.
I can no longer live
with this horrible blight...
...on, on, on, on, on...
...on my conscience.
This is crazy, OK?
I have never met this dude
in my life, I swear to God.
Come on, you people saw her
carve it with your own eyes.
I can't even believe
I'm arguing this.
May I make a suggestion?
As it's clear that Destiny's win
is in question, I...
Absolutely not.
Destiny won this on her own,
fair and square.
I think the only fair solution
would be to have a rematch.
Me versus Destiny.
At the State Fair.
Um, State is this weekend.
I mean, I can't possibly get the
proper paperwork prepared in time.
I'm sure someone as smart as you
can figure it out, Nancy.
But the coolers.
And then we'd have to haul all
the butter in two days before
- so it'll set and...
- Excellent. Great.
Well, now that Nancy has
agreed to do her... her job
looks like we've got a rematch.
What's wrong with you people?
I can't believe you just let this
two-bit trophy wife come in here...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now wait a second.
Hey, hey, hey.
- I know.
- She's crazy.
This is the kind
of thing that I just...
- Who are you?
- I'll do it.
...from over here.
- I'll do it.
- Destiny.
Eight-hour carve time,
all out in the open,
officials present every minute.
No verbal contact
with the audience.
No help.
And no speeches.
Just butter.
- Deal?
- Deal.
Can you believe that bitch?
Jill.
Sorry. You know you
can't say "bitch" right?
- I know.
- Just her whole thing.
The hair, the dress, that grin.
Destiny, it's not too late to go back in there
and tell them you don't wanna do this thing.
Are you kidding me? Destiny is gonna
nail that witch. Aren't you, Destiny?
You better believe it.
All right.
Let's prep.
Laura.
Laura!
Obviously, I wish you had better
reading skills, but all in all...
She's only ten!
Thank you for your help, Boyd.
What, that's it?
That's it?
Hey, hey, where are you going?
Come on, don't you remember us?
We were Boyd and Laura.
- I give up.
- Boyd.
Hey.
Imagine if we got
an apartment together.
We could move to Des Moines.
You got the $1200 right?
Or maybe Chicago.
Can you imagine how humiliated
my stepmom would be?
She'd probably like, explode.
I think you're late
for practice.
I could be with you forever.
Yeah.
- About that. The money?
- Oh.
I can't wait to see
how this plays out.
Good luck.
Call me.
Yeah, definitely will.
I was only kidding about
the moving in together stuff.
Move it, bitches!
Whoo!
- Hey, girl.
- Hi.
Let's go for a ride.
I got something to show you.
OK.
What'd you learn
in school today?
Positive and negative numbers.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
See that store over there?
Mm-hm.
With this $1200
I could buy work clothes
like you have never seen.
Where do you work?
Barnes & Noble.
So I want you
to look over there.
And I want you to see very clearly
that I am willing to sacrifice $1200
worth of totally cute outfits so
that you can have these knives.
And with these knives,
you carve the best damn
butter sculpture this
world has ever seen.
You must not fail, Destiny.
You can do this.
You can take down Laura Pickler.
You kick her pasty,
white ass so hard,
so that she and her stupid
husband can never wreak havoc
on poor, innocent people
like me ever again.
We cool?
Thank you.
Well, we don't know for sure, but
nine times out of ten in these cases,
we suspect drugs and...
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
Hi, Destiny.
You know...
..I think it would be best if we had
this discussion alone, just grownups.
Uh... No, no, she can stay.
OK.
- From what we can surmise, on the night of...
- Um...
Destiny, your mother
was a wonderful woman
who fell on hard times.
She was not capable
of taking care of you,
but she loved you
very much nonetheless.
We found this.
She's pretty.
Hi, Mom. It's me,
Destiny. Your daughter.
We probably haven't seen each
other since I was a baby.
I don't remember you at all.
But now that the lady gave me
your picture, I wish I did.
I don't know what you were
doing all these years,
but now that
you've gone to heaven
I just want you to know
I forgive you for leaving me.
I don't really understand it that
much, but I still forgive you.
OK. Bye.
Motherfucker!
Hi, Bob.
Come on. Come on in, just
standing there like Rain Man.
Hey.
Um... I don't think
this is gonna work.
Laura, you're gonna need an
armature for something that grand.
Then I'll build an armature.
I'm not afraid
of hard work, Bob.
Not that it matters
anymore anyway.
What do you mean?
Well, you saw
what I did back there.
My sculpture was twice as good as your
"Schindler's List" and you know it.
My cooler was 43 degrees, the
eye-forehead-ratio was perfect.
Yeah. You had all that down.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually kinda
surprised at how technically good you are.
- You think, Bob?
- Yeah.
But you also need
to inject some soul into it.
I'm just saying...
...not everyone can be
an artist.
You don't think
I can be an artist?
Look, I know what it is
I'm dealing with here.
I am gonna have to give
these so-called judges
the statement piece
that they're looking for.
And when they see what I have planned for
them, their jaws are gonna hit the floor.
And you are gonna
be right there,
next to my cooler,
cheering me on as dutifully
as I have you the last 15 years.
Good morning,
folks. You're listening to
KQWK broadcasting live
from Des Moines
at the Iowa State Fair.
It's 103 degrees out
on the fairgrounds,
but even hotter
in the Grand Hall
where crowds are squeezing in for
the highly anticipated rematch.
Laura Pickler versus Destiny.
# Pump it up #
# Get out yo seats #
# Pump it up #
# You gotta move your feet #
# In the disco #
# I wanna see #
# I wanna see you celebrate #
# Celebrate, celebrate #
# And let yourself go #
# Fly away, fly away #
# Fly away and
let your love go #
# Hello, good-bye #
# I'm gonna meet you
on the other side #
# Oh, yeah All right #
# Go crazy #
# Celebrate #
Hi, how are you?
# Fly away and
let your love go #
# Hello, good-bye #
# Gonna meet you
on the other side #
# Oh, yeah All right #
# Go crazy #
# Are you livin' are you livin'
Can't keep cool #
Five, four, three,
two, one!
Trowels down!
She's outdone herself.
- Oh, my! JFK!
- Thank you all for coming.
Please come back tomorrow
after church
when the judges will be viewing
these two interesting pieces
for the very first time
and will announce the winner
of the Johnson County Mastery
in Butter competition again.
Dear God, it's me.
I just want you to know,
Laura doesn't know about this.
So don't blame her. Oh, hang
on, you already know that.
Man,
you're awesome. Amen.
What the hell?
I'll see what's going on, OK?
Excuse me.
What happened?
Um, we don't know.
But she's gonna get a chance
to fix it, right?
Well, um, the judges have
already begun deliberation.
And the rules indicate that no
further adjustment can be made
once deliberation commences.
Come on, lady.
My name is Nancy
and those are the rules.
You know what?
You people are ridiculous.
I mean, it's butter.
You put it on toast.
Right? The government
gives it away for free.
Oh, oh, oh! And newsflash!
It's bad for you!
Yeah, I said it out loud.
It clogs your arteries
and it makes you fat.
And you're all gonna
die because of it!
What?
Really?
The butter police? Wow!
We've got it. We've got it under
control. We've got it.
Destiny, we'll be right back.
So now what?
I've lost, that's what.
I'd just like to say good luck.
You know, this is all I have.
You're still young and you have
your whole life ahead of you
and you can,
you can do anything.
And you're so beautiful.
And I know you...
Well, I know you don't
understand this...
...but this is all I have.
This is unbelievable.
For the first time I can remember
the midway is completely deserted
as everyone gathers to witness
a little piece of history.
Thousands packed the Grand Hall
to see these two contestants'
daring and radical
butter sculptures.
Now it's up to our judges
to decide once and for all
who will represent Johnson
County here at State.
Stay tuned to KQWK
for the live results
and your favorite
light hits and less talk.
May I have your
attention, please?
The judges have reached
a decision. Orval?
Thank you, Nancy. Um...
In my years judging
this competition, uh,
I've seen many things.
But only twice
have I seen true art.
The first was Bob Pickler's
brilliant "Passion of The Christ"
with Neil Diamond as Jesus.
- And the second this morning...
- Did he say Neil Diamond?
...when I laid eyes on a work
so tragic, so touching,
that it became not just butter
carving, but butter art.
And to be touched yourself, you
merely have to look right here...
...at the sad, melted face
of this unloved child.
Our winner, again, is Destiny.
Can you put me down, please?
I'd just like to say
this isn't all you have.
Aww!
You won't believe this,
but somehow my messed-up sculpture
won the State competition
that year.
The Des Moines Register called
it "an angst-ridden exploration
- of post-natal abandonment."
- Congratulations.
I told them it was just a sculpture
of my mom, but whatever.
I was just happy that I finally
found something I was good at.
I also got
a postcard from Brooke.
She wrote to say that
she was doing great
and was promoted to general
manager of Barnes & Noble.
And then, some even cooler
stuff started to happen.
Firstly, Jill finally figured
out how to do my hair.
Destiny, come on down.
You get to hear Ethan attempt
to sing Christmas carols.
- It's really awful.
- She means awesome.
OK, I'll be down in a minute.
Yes! You won't regret it.
# God rest ye merry gentlemen #
# Let nothing you dismay #
Oh, and also Miss Jill and
Mr. Ethan officially adopted me.
Which meant that was the last time I
had to unpack that stupid suitcase.
And you've probably heard
that Mrs. Pickler is
running for Governor.
The word on the street is
that the big man himself
came to her in a vision
and told her to run.
Sounds kinda messed up to me.
But a lot of people seem to
really like what she stands for.
Mr. Ethan says it's
because she panders
to the lowest common
something-or-other.
But I think people actually
kinda like her.
Still, if there's even the
slightest chance she'll win,
I'm fixing to team up
with some bad-ass ninjas
to march down to Des Moines
and kick her butt.
"Keep Marchin'"
Mark!
Excuse me. Let me just
try that again.
My father raped me.
Oops!
What if the whole place
is a vacuum?
And you turn inside-out?
And your internal organs
implode?
- You had your boobs done?
- Thanks for noticing.
They look great.
You are so warm and minty.
Ooh!
There could be
a Miley Cyrus concert.
There could be a Justin Bieber
concert ready to break out.
Bob, I saw your penis.
Don't look at me.
My name is Kenneth.
I'm Bob's brother.
But I will definitely...
Bob, I'm gonna shit
on your lawn.
I can't, I can't say it. Ahh!
What if this place
is full of piranhas?
That have learned how to walk?
Could be full of vegetarians.
Bob, I'm gonna
shit on your lawn.
- Yeah. Mm.
- That's disgusting.
You're disgusting.
You can take down Laura Pickler.
You can take down that pasty,
white ass and make... Sorry.
Not "take down that ass." No.
Hey, look...
Sweet baby Jesus.
It could be a Republican
party fundraiser.
You tell Orval
that this isn't over.
It's just not, right?
Move it, bitches!
- Oops!
- Cut!