Actually, you get over it
fairly quick.
You might not think so,
but it's true.
You're driving along
with a man
who's been told he's dying
and yet everything
keeps going on.
I mean, it'd been hard enough
rooming with him
when he was well.
He chewed
this disgusting tobacco
he pissed in the sink,
and as a catcher
he was a million dollars
worth of promise
worth two cents on delivery.
Most people didn't even know
he was with the club
and, um, he was almost too dumb
to play a joke on...
and now he'd been played
the biggest joke of all.
Bill! Oh, Bill!
Hi, Mom.
Oh, Bruce,
I'm so happy to see you.
I'm so glad you're home.
Hey, Bruce, Bruce,
how are you, son?
Hi, Dad.
It's so good
to see you.
- How you been?
- Okay.
You're looking good.
Oh, I feel... feel fine.
Daddy, Mama,
I want you to meet Henry.
You can call him Arthur.
Oh, I tell you,
it's an honor
to have you here,
Henry Wiggen.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe
I'm here.
Wonders never cease,
Papa.
- Howdy, Mr. Bruce.
- Hi.
- You all better now?
- Yeah.
We was worried.
Well, I was in good hands.
I bet it was cold
up there.
Not too damn cold, Mama.
What was wrong?
Nothing.
Arthur, tell me why in hell
I swam up and down this mud
a million times
and I never drownded
Why I never got killed
in the war in Vietnam
or why I never
got plastered by a truck
but I come
clean through all that
and now I get this disease.
Arthur?
Don't ask me questions
I can't answer.
Well, I been handed
a shit deal, boy.
I'm doomed.
Shh...
Arthur, you know that game
you and Joe Jaros played,
tegwar?
How you play it?
- Tegwar?
- Mm-hmm.
You don't know
how to play tegwar?
Spell it.
T-E-G-W-A-R.
Stands for "The EXciting Game
Without Any Rules."
T-E-G-W-A-R.
No rules.
No rules at all?
I'm not too sure
I'm understanding this game.
You might never.
Throw down
in the middle, sir.
Why? Nobody else
threw down in the middle.
It's your fish-fly card.
How can you tell?
It's the rules.
When the rules are wrong.
What rules?
I haven't been noticing
any rules.
They seem to keep changing.
Five and siX or 11, that's why.
Attaboy, Bruce.
Rules concerning what?
The rules of arithmetic.
I wouldn't play this game
for money, I can tell you.
Don't be discouraged.
Don't be discouraged.
See, it was no double birdie.
Double birdie?
Whereas where
it could've been a spread-eagle.
Probably you've been playing
southeastern tegwar
all your life,
but in the Majors
the boys all play
Western Canadian style
which, for my money,
is much faster.
That leaves you free
for a... butchered hog
most any time, whereas...
Whereas, uh...
whereas...
Whereas what?
Well, whereas it, uh
keeps you from dropping dead
on the board.
Hello, there, old lady!
Hi. Oh...
Hi. Hi, Bruce.
Hi. Hello.
Holly, believe me
seeing you here
is a real pleasure.
Thank you.
My son's talked
a whole lot about you.
Oh, wonders never cease.
How are you?
Oh, I'm fine; never better.
These are the medical papers,
just in case
the doctors gave me
in Minnesota.
God, it was cold up there.
What'd you think
of your contract?
I didn't read it.
Hell, you didn't read it.
I was taught in school
where slavery went out
when Lincoln was shot.
Henry, who knows
about him?
Well, you know, I know,
the Mayo Clinic knows...
maybe his father.
And Bruce knows.
The talk of the Echo
Player Camp that spring was
a kid name of Piney Woods,
a wild crazy catcher
out of a place
called Good Hope, Georgia.
The sports writers
all called him
"Dutch's Good Hope
from Good Hope."
In the catching department,
Dutch needed hope.
Come on, Piney,
eh? Let's go.
Okay, stand close.
Put your arms
around each other's shoulders.
I'd rather not.
I'm very high on him,
very high.
He's got all the tools.
He hits them a mile.
He runs like a deer.
His backside's one mile wide
by actual measurement
where his power is.
Drinks milk by the tons.
Who will stay?
Aw, how do I know
in February
who I'll love in April
when the flowers bloom, huh?
No, no, flowers
bloom in May.
It's April showers.
Smartest prospect
in years.
Henry, how many
catchers on a team?
Never that many.
Here's the premium
from George, Arthur.
Gracias, George.
George says,
"Sign your contract, Arthur."
Morning, Arthur, Holly.
- Hi.
- Hey, Ugly.
Uh, I believe this, uh,
brings my insurance up to date.
Keep it coming;
it's your future.
Well, uh, I have to save some
for the present, however
such as, uh, these little girls
running around here
with their eye
on handsome ball players.
How much
you holding out for?
$127,500.
Well, even if I believed you,
you'll never get it
but as a veteran
of many a holdout
let me give you
a piece of sound advice:
Don't hang in the park
because your eye gleams,
your hand itches
and you wish
you were playing ball.
It shines through, Arthur,
and it'll cost you money.
It's the boss.
Don't be too comical;
just answer it.
Let it ring awhile.
Fishing pier;
tapeworms for sale.
Hey, Arthur, how
about coming down
and playing a game
of duo tegwar?
It's not the boss;
it's Joe Jaros.
Arthur, come on down.
This place is
swimming with fish.
All right, we'll be right down.
Who's "we"?
Well, me and Bruce.
Bruce Pearson?
Yeah, um... him
and me played
quite a bit of tegwar
over the winter.
He's a great player.
I'll stay here.
Forget it for today, Joe.
No, Henry, you go.
Bruce and I will stay here.
Yeah, yeah.
You okay?
Yeah, go.
I'll be right down, Joe.
Would you mind if I watch?
Quarter to 11:00.
No, I said,
"Would you mind if I watch?"
Paging Mr. Donald Graham.
Mr. Donald Graham.
You're Henry Wiggen.
Paging Mr. Donald Graham.
Hey, would you mind if I sit in?
You know, I read your book, too.
I didn't read
your book, Arthur
but I will, I will, I plan to.
So far, I've just been concerned
with the parts that concern me.
Hey, who did you used to be?
I'm Joe Jaros.
I'm a coach.
I used to be a baby.
These are fifth and two,
fifth and queen.
Red rooster.
Banjo!
That's the first
natural banjo I've had
since the days of Joe DiMaggio
in St. Petersburg.
Hey, wait a minute, here.
15 and 15's 31.
Hey, what's the name
of this game?
15 plus 15
is 32.
32...
Oh, that's right.
That's a double honeybees.
I'm not sure if I'm too clear
on some of these new rules.
What new rules?
There hasn't been any new rules
since the Black SoX scandal,
Big league tegwar
is big league tegwar
known to every
big-time ballplayer
from Boston to California.
And this is the last time
we play without Pearson, Joe.
Arthur, your mind is crumbling.
He's too damn dumb.
- Promise me, Joe.
- I promise you.
I promise you.
I promise on a stack of cards.
Anyway, the way
that Banjo's been hitting
Pearson's sure
to drift down and out.
They're sending him down?
I didn't say nothing.
Well, that's it, then,
they're releasing Pearson?
Well, don't it look
quite obvious?
Well, they can't do that.
Paging Mr. Wiggen.
Paging Mr. Henry Wiggen.
Please pick up
the house telephone.
Forget it, Arthur.
Stick around, hang on.
It's the boss.
I got to go, Joe.
Damn it, Arthur, stick around!
Fair? You call that fair?
I was taught in school
where slavery went out
when Lincoln was shot!
Yeah, so you wrote
across your contract.
Not across my contract.
Maybe the contract
of turnstile turner.
Young players
often end up
old turnstile turners.
All right, let's all calm down.
You're looking very healthy
this morning.
Henry, you keep talking
about $125,000.
I can't do business
that way.
We'll just have to get along
without him.
Some of those pitchers out there
yesterday afternoon
looked very promising.
So I hear.
Any one of them might win
four or five games
if God drops everything else.
I have in my mind
an absolute maXimum figure of...
$60,000.
If you have a good year
this year
we'll make it back
to you neXt year.
I will go on year after year
being paid for the year before.
Now, that shorts me a year
in the long run.
We've heard
this one before.
Every time Bradley Lord
opens his mouth
I'm raising
my absolute minimum figure.
All right, Henry...
Bradley. Bradley!
I have in my mind
an absolute maXimum figure
of $60,000.
But she has in her heart
$10,000 more.
That's $70,000.
I'd think you'd jump
at that arrangement.
Leap at that arrangement.
I'll take it.
Good.
Well, then it's settled.
There's something I want
instead of money.
Nothing is instead of money.
Oh, money can buy nothing
but happiness.
There's one clause yet
to go in my contract.
All right, shoot.
There must be a clause saying
that I and Bruce Pearson
will stay with the club together
or else go together.
Whatever happens to one,
must happen to the other...
traded, sold, whatever.
We got to be tied in a package
on any deal under the sun.
I never heard
of such a thing.
No. Absolutely out of
the question.
Reason one, Dutch would never
hear of such a thing.
Look here, Henry
if you want to have
to get started this way
you better just watch out.
Bradley, now let's just think
before we speak.
Look, we won't bother
to write it down.
I give you my solemn word.
No verbal words...
must be wrote in.
Bradley, call Dutch.
It's his one day off.
Call him.
They should put zippers
on pajamas.
Tell him your clause.
Oh. So it's you with
the special clause, Arthur.
I'll bet it's a dilly.
Bradley, run and get me
a wet rag, huh?
Everybody thinks
they're special.
Sterling must be shot
for hay fever
with medicine made
out of the piss of a horse
Darochi must have
contact lenses
Gonzales must have a buddy
along to translate in Spanish
and Goldman must go home
for Passover.
What do you want now, Arthur,
Chinese New Year's?
I want a clause tying me
in a package with Pearson.
I'll bet he owes you money.
Jesus, Bradley.
You ain't got much strength
in your hands.
What do you mean
tied in a package?
If he's sold, I must be sold
or if he's traded,
I must be traded same place.
Wherever he goes, I go.
Well, this is telling me
who I must keep and who not
which nobody ever told me before
and nobody will ever tell me
again as long as I'm upright.
If it's money,
talk money and good luck.
They own all the banks.
Talking money's one thing
but talking business is another
and I'd as soon as trade the
whole club for a tin of beans
as leave anyone tell me who
stays and who gets cut loose.
I'm sorry to hear that
because without that clause,
there'll be no contract.
Well, then there'll
be no contract
and I must suffer along
the best I can.
Several of those young pitchers
looked good out there yesterday.
Yeah?
Good for what?
Will you go sell insurance?
You don't know a soul on Earth
to sell insurance to
outside of ball players.
Will you sell insurance
to other insurance agents, huh?
And where will you find
people with money,
with the language you speak?
Henry, I hardly ever
even saw you wear a necktie.
Bradley...
shut up, will you?
Go get me a Coke.
What's up between you two,
Arthur?
What are you, a couple
of fairies, or something?
That can't be.
It's been a long time since I
run across fairies in baseball.
Jesus.
This is too much for me.
Oh, you'll understand it
sometime.
When?
Oh, I don't know,
maybe soon, maybe not.
Oh, I'll certainly be hanging
from my thumb, waiting to hear.
Christ Almighty, I've seen you
on days when you hated Pearson
when you ate him out as bad
as I myself ever ate him out.
I saw you once get up
from the table and walk away.
Well, that could be
love as well as hate.
It ain't love.
I didn't mean fairy love.
I remember one time
you come storming
into my office.
You caught him pissing
in the sink in Pittsburgh.
Cleveland.
Urinating.
Does this clause go on
forever? Hmm?
I have four catchers.
I have a catcher that's sold
on the sauce
and a Black catcher
that cannot hit
and a motorcycle catcher,
wild and crazy
and Pearson,
who's just plumb dumb.
I'd give both my right eyes
for Sam Mott of Cincinnati
but Cincinnati wants Arthur
and I can't give Arthur
or if I give you, I must have
Scutter or Faulkland
which the son of a bitches
won't give me
eXcept for all
my right-hand power.
I could spare
my right-hand hitting
if I got Diel with Pittsburgh
but Pittsburgh wants Arthur
and I've already given you
to Cincinnati
on paper for Sam Mott.
So...
I must play my old catcher
on days when
he gets himself sorted out
and play my Black catcher on
days when my hitting is hitting
and play my motorcycle catcher
on days he ever comes
to his senses...
which so far, he's given me
no sign of really having any.
I'll ship him down
to Queen City
and see if they can talk him
off his motorcycle.
We must never have another
motorcycle in camp!
I've been trying for days
to get some sleep.
You know, when I stop
and think about it
I'm liable to wind up using
my plumb dumb catcher
more and more.
Some day you'll understand.
Nah, nah, forget about it.
That's too much to ask.
All right.
I will agree to the clause.
I've never done
such a thing before
and I wouldn't do it now...
eXcept there's a look
in your eye
that tells me I've got to.
Oh, Bruce.
- Yeah.
- Bye.
Have a good trip, okay?
Okay, I will.
Thank you.
- Hey, Holly? Holly.
- What?
You drive careful now.
All right.
Bye-bye, boys.
I'm going to miss you.
I love you.
I love you.
I'll call you collect
tonight, okay?
- Please.
- I will.
Bye-bye. Bye, Bruce.
Bye.
Oh, boy, I hope
if it happens
it don't happen
at a bad hour.
It might or might not
probably never happen.
I have no faith
in those cockeyed
doctors up there.
Curveball.
Too bad a fellow
can't pitch spit.
Yeah, I'd have lots
of breaking stuff around.
Slider.
You see the dip on that?
Arthur, if you was on one club
and I was on another
what kind of book
would you keep on me?
If I was to keep a book
on you, I'd say to myself
"No need to keep
a book on Pearson
'cause Pearson keeps
no book on me"
'cause if I strike
you out on something
like a change-up in here
you don't come back
to the bench, thinking
"That son of a bitch Wiggen,
he struck me out in here.
So, I'll be on the
lookout the neXt time."
No, no, you come back
to the bench, thinking
"I think I eat a frank"
or, uh, "Gee, I see
a great pair of jugs
up there in the stands."
So, by the time you come up
against me again
you forgot
all about the time before.
So, I'll just throw you
in the same place again
and get past again, probably.
You got to think, Bruce...
think and remember.
I'm going to start keeping
a book.
Yeah, either in
your head or, um...
better still, on
paper for a while.
You already have
terrific power
but power plus brains
is the difference
between nobody
and somebody.
Yeah, well, I always been
pretty much of a nobody, though.
So, I-I guess what I got to do
is I got to develop brains.
Plus confidence.
Power and brains are
nothing without confidence.
Well, you always
had the confidence.
I never had confidence,
Arthur.
No... but I always looked
like I had it, didn't I?
Days when I'm tired,
my curve is hanging
it's bullshit
gets me through.
You got to crowd
in, look fierce.
Works wonders.
And half the pitchers
you're facing
they're just country
boys like you
or else country boys
from the city.
Country boys from the city?
Yeah, they're no
smarter than you.
Yeah, but I never been smart,
that's the thing.
Everybody's smart.
You've been dumb
on one count only...
you let somebody tell
you you were dumb.
Didn't you buy an Arcturis
insurance policy?
Yeah.
Didn't that prove
to be a smart move?
Well, now, as far as that goes,
I can't argue against that.
Is Dutch smart?
Oh, yeah, he certainly is.
Well, if you were so dumb,
why ain't Dutch cut you loose?
Well, he might yet.
Oh, no.
Piney Woods goes down,
you stay up.
Who says so?
I heard it with
my own ears.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Shit.
Now that's the best news
I heard so far.
What's wrong with Bruce?
He gave you that
ring, did he?
Mm.
Who says anything is?
He says.
He says what?
He says marry him
and cash in on a big surprise.
He's nutty.
You get that way
sitting on the bench
too many years.
What was he doing
in Minnesota?
He had pneumonia.
Now, what would you go
all the way to Minnesota
with pneumonia for?
Well, whatever it is,
it isn't catching.
You think I'd be his roomie
if it were?
Oh, rooming with him's
one thing...
Ioving's another.
Oh, Katie
honey, why don't you get
yourself married
and raise yourself
some eXemptions?
Why don't you play baseball
for free, Arthur?
Why should a girl go amateur
if she's got the stuff
to be professional?
I don't know why
you can't tell me
what's wrong with him.
Katie, if I knew...
you know I'd tell you.
Ladies and gentlemen
will you please rise
and join us in singing
our national anthem?
O say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd
At the twilight's
last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes
and bright stars
Thro' the perilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watch'd
Were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare
The bombs bursting in air
Gave proof
through the night...
Why's he sending me down?
You'll be back up, Piney.
I ought to be back up now.
Stick to business
and stay off motorcycles.
I love motorcycles.
Look at that old washout.
Don't lose your ticket.
Take care of your banjo.
Guitar!
Say hello for me to everybody
down there in Queen City, okay?
...O'er the land
of the free...
Maybe somebody'll
drop dead up here...
open up a slot for me.
...And the home
of the brave.
Well, anything's possible.
Life is unfair,
I'll tell you that.
Get on there.
Ladies and gentlemen
your attention, please.
Today we honor
a recently elected immortal
Big Benjamin Scotland.
Big Ben, pitching for
the New York Mammoths
struck out
312 batters in the year 1901.
Gun it in, Ben!
Gun it in!
Save this for me.
Batting first for Pittsburgh...
Hey, man, this one's
for the money.
...a left fielder...
Play ball!
What do you say, Henry?
What do you say?
All the way, kid.
All the way this year.
What do you say, Henry?
Come to me, boy.
Come to me, kid.
Swing it through.
Right here, kid.
What do you say?
Wing it strong!
Strike!
So, you wanted that through!
All right!
All right!
Come on, team!
Say, Pearson...
I always wondered...
eXactly how tall are you?
Paul, you always did wonder.
Yeah?
Yeah, I heard
about it.
Yeah?
Yes, I did.
I'm eXactly five feet.
11 inches.
I never knew shit piled
that high.
We were a strong club.
We had great pitching
with both hands
and good relief
if FDR Caselli come through.
We had the best outfield
in baseball, bar none
and the best
double-play combination.
In fact, I didn't think there
was anyone who could beat us
eXcept maybe ourselves.
We started ragging each other.
I know you're discussing
my personality
with George in Spanish.
No such a thing, never.
Don't tell me!
Spanish is the same
as Italian.
We're talking about
Mr. Dutch, the manager.
Shut up, man.
I don't know about you, Bruce.
You know
that goddamn tobacco you chew?
You ever hear of Old Yeller?
That's what they're
going to call your teeth.
And you have that, you know,
that hairdo you wear, man.
You ever seen that commercial
with the... what is it?...
Joe Namath or something,
about the greasy kid stuff?
You got to get hip
like them guys, man.
That's part of the, you know
the whole image
of a baseball player.
He has to look good.
Why don't you, like, you know
read some kind
of fashion magazine
something like "Esquire"?
You know, me and the other guys
we read "Esquire" and "Playboy"
and things like that...
that's why we dress well...
but you, man
you're reading farmer magazines
every time I turn around.
Hey, man, hey, hey, hey!
Wait a minute!
Get off me!
Lookit here!
Wait a minute!
Hey, man, hey, hey, hey!
You do something...
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Hold it, man.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Hey.
Come on, man, shake it off.
Arthur, Joe, uh, tells me
you've been playing cards
with Pearson
over the winter, huh?
Sure. Why not?
When?
Just before camp begun.
Where?
Down at Bruce's.
Oh...
What were you doing
down there?
You mean besides
playing cards?
Quit stalling.
Why did you go there?
He always wanted me to see
what his folks were like
and all his old
stamping grounds
and, uh... various
beautiful whereabouts.
Oh... oh...
Was the missus with you?
Sure.
You drove down there by car?
Yes indeedy.
Very welly!
Now we got you and your wife
located by car in Georgia.
Let's back up the car
to where you spoke to Goose
on the telephone in Chicago.
You drove to Georgia
from New York
by via Chicago, did you?
I never did speak
to Goose in Chicago.
You never did?
In other words, you're
telling me Goose is a liar?
No, no, I suppose what he means
is I spoke to his missus.
You know very goddamn well
what he probably means.
Don't procrastinate, Arthur.
You're stalling the wrong man.
When was it?
Probably around in February.
What were you doing in Chicago?
Besides, uh,
speaking with Goose's missus?
- Yeah.
- Uh, I was only changing planes.
For where?
Minneapolis.
For what?
Insurance matters.
Name me somebody
you planned on seeing
on insurance matters
in Minneapolis.
Aleck Olson.
Joe!
Joe?
Yeah?
Where's that Aleck Olson from
in Boston
that swings like
an aX chopper?
Olson?
Yeah.
Olson?
Minneapolis.
You sell him any insurance?
It's only a matter of time.
This is all a lie.
I got Olson in the palm
of my hand.
I got a feeling that all your
little statements are true
but what they add
up to is one big lie.
Am I right?
About what?
About the feeling I got.
I don't know what kind
of feeling you got.
You say you got such
a feeling, I guess you do.
I wish you could be
wrapped in a sack
and threw in a river
all eXcept
your pitching arm.
Hey Aleck,
can I see you, man?
Yeah, sure, sure can.
How's it going?
Hey, fellas, you know what
I think about fraternizing?
Ooh!
Dutch called you.
Yeah, what's
it all about?
What'd he say?
Oh, what'd you do
in Minneapolis.
I said, uh, "Bought a coat,
that's all I know."
Oh, he asked
about insurance
did I buy insurance
off you yet.
Is he selling insurance?
What else?
Uh, he asked me, "Then what?"
I said, uh, he got on the bus
to see Pearson.
That's all I remember.
Oh, what's up, Arthur?
You got a girl or something?
Did you tell him
where I went to see Pearson?
Well, I figured if you got
on a bus to Rochester
you're going to Rochester,
you know.
Ain't there any places
between Minneapolis
and Rochester?
Cannon Falls?
It just so happens
we met in Cannon Falls.
Well, listen, you can meet
anywhere you want to meet
eXcept what would you be doing
in Cannon Falls?
Fishing.
In nine feet of ice?
Hunting?
Yeah, but you'd be most likely
go up north of the cities.
I mean,
that's where most people go.
You guys got girls
in Cannon Falls?
Arthur, concerning insurance,
I wanted to know...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Up north's
eXactly where I'd never go.
That's where everybody goes,
packed in like sardines.
Thanks, Aleck.
Yeah, for what?
I just wanted to talk to you
about insurance.
I mean, combining insurance
with annuity, you know?
Next time. I got to warm up.
Yeah, but I...
Jesus Christ,
every time I talk to that guy...
We started out near the top
running neck and neck
with Baltimore and Cincinnati
but all spring we kept floating
never dropping far back,
but never gaining, either
staying alive with pitching
one day and power the neXt
but never
putting the two together.
We weren't pulling like a club.
I was worried, but Dutch,
he was going out of his mind.
It's no surprise
he kept hounding me
trying every which way
to figure out
what was happening to the club.
Ain't you afraid you're going
to burn a hole in your chest?
I sit here,
reading the Chicago book
and I keep trying to figure
the son of a bitches out
but then you know what
I wind up thinking about?
Wiggen and Pearson.
Goddamn it, Arthur
you told me you went back
home from Minneapolis.
So, it's this again.
No, Dutch
I don't believe
I told you that.
But you lead me to believe it,
which is the same thing.
You see Olson?
Sure I seen Olson.
About what?
Insurance matters.
By the way...
he mentioned you called him.
Mm-hmm.
Dutch, I wish you wouldn't
push this thing too far.
Why not?
It's a personal matter.
Flip up the bowl.
How so?
Well...
you're probably
going to think
I'm some kind of heel
and all that
but there's
this airline stewardess...
Her name being what?
Mary.
Mary what?
Smith, Jones, Brown?
Mary Pistologlioni.
Go on.
I'm trying very hard
to believe this.
So, you pitter round
between Chicago and Minneapolis
and then you get on a bus in
Minneapolis and you go where?
Well, didn't Olson tell you?
You tell me.
Cannon Falls, Minnesota.
For what?
To hunt.
You never hunt.
I'm taking it up.
What kind of a gun do you shoot?
No kind.
I only went there
'cause Pearson asked me to.
What'd you catch?
Nothing.
You know, we changed our minds
and went back.
Back where?
Back home.
Him to Georgia
and me to New York.
You're probably driveling
up to the eyes by now
but I'm going to hear
other sounds from him anyway.
Bradley!
Send Pearson in.
I don't believe
this cockeyed bull story
about Mary Pistolcoloni
for one minute, but if it's true
you're making
a very big mistake.
Anybody with
a wife like yours
should count his blessings.
What plane did you go up
to Minnesota in, Pearson?
Um, no plane, sir.
In my car.
Mm-hmm.
Is, uh, Cannon Falls
a nice town?
Oh, yeah.
Well, tell me, what is it like?
Well, it's a pretty nice
little town
with a main drag
and a few stores, but very cold.
Oh.
Yeah, we couldn't fish.
The ice was nine feet thick.
Mm-hmm?
So we went hunting.
What'd you shoot?
Uh... nothing.
No, we start hunting
but then we changed my mind.
So, uh... 'cause I didn't feel
like killing anything anymore.
Hmm.
Well, that knocks
the hell out of hunting.
Yeah, sir.
I guess it does.
Then where did you go
from Minnesota?
Uh, back home.
Alone?
Yeah.
You sure?
Yeah, yeah.
Weren't we, Arthur?
Weren't we who?
Me and Arthur.
You two went down
from Minnesota by car?
Yeah.
Flip up the bowl again.
Very well, Arthur.
I think we might
be heading
toward something at last
for two days ago,
I asked you
who drove your car
down to Bainbridge
and you said you
and your wife did
but now I hear
something else again.
Did you go down there
and back home for your wife
or did her and Mary Pistolcoloni
maybe drive down
with Aleck Olson
or in other words,
what the hell is going on here?
Because you know
as sure as your name is
that I'm going to get
to the bottom
of this.
Well, Dutch, the joke's on you.
I'm laughing my ass off.
Because if you'll
back the whole thing up
you'll remember I called you
during this time
on the telephone
and give you
a little patter, right?
And I told you I was up home
when all the time, where we were
we were right downtown St. Louis
and we would've went
out and seen you
but we weren't dressed
and, uh, we didn't want
to see the missus like that.
So, we made a gag
out of the whole thing.
Well, you can understand me
not wanting to give away
a gag like that
I might want to use it
on somebody else
at another time.
Get out.
Get out!
Strike two, two, two,
two, two, two, two!
Come on, let's go, Pearson!
Come on, baby, let's go!
Hit it! Hit it!
Back to first!
Back to first!
Back! Back!
Bring it back!
Attaboy, Pearson!
Yeah, attaboy, Bruce!
Not bad, huh, Dutch?
Nah, not bad.
Arthur, how do
I change my beneficiary?
Who do you want to change it to?
To Katie.
She's going to marry me at last.
When?
When you change
your beneficiary?
Arthur, you got no right
telling me who I can
and who I cannot change
my beneficiary to.
Why didn't she marry you
last year or the year before?
Well, she never
loved me before.
Before what?
Before now.
How is now
different?
Arthur, will you
change it for me
or will you not
change it for me?
I'll write away to Arcturis.
Well, when?
Tuesday.
Well, why not now?
Because it's time
to go the ballpark.
Oh, I seen you dash off
many a letter
standing against the wall
or when you was in a cab.
This is a matter
of $137,500.
Now, a large figure
like that
has got to be handled
sitting down
with plenty of time
to whet your pencil.
Well... okay, but don't forget,
and do it Tuesday, huh?
Hey, Arthur, come here.
I want to talk to you.
How are you, Tootsie?
Pretty good.
I want
to ask you something.
Why can't you Mammoths get it
together, for heaven's sake?
What's with the squabbling?
You know, considering the
personnel of the organization
you'd be on top of it
if you guys hung together.
What do you guys do on the road,
anyway?
I think that's what's wrong.
Oh, I'm sorry; this hotel does
not provide such a service.
I'm sorry.
And I wish somebody'd tell Dutch
to bolster up the catching.
You know, I'm going to tell him
myself if I see him?
You do that, Tootsie.
Quick, Arthur,
help me, for God's sake.
This place is full of fish.
Yeah? I'll get Bruce.
Let him sleep; it's tegwar.
He wants to join us.
Let him sleep;
the two of us are enough.
Then let him sit in for me.
He can't do it.
Don't you understand that?
I promised him, Joe,
and you promised me in Florida!
Shh! Arthur,
this is waking him up.
You promised me.
"Promise me, promise me."
You sound like a song.
Oh, promise me that
we will never part...
What are you two, anyhow,
Romeo and Juliet?
One can't play cards
without the other?
Forget it for today, Joe!
Romeo and Juliet... I
don't know which is which.
Oh, Joe, how's the show?
I will make you sorry
for this, Arthur.
I really will.
You're going to pay for this,
Arthur!
What's the matter with him?
Nothing.
What are you reading?
Well, you ain't going
to believe this
but I'm reading how some girl
said she was seduced by Dracula.
Boys...
today, we start shaking the son
of a bitches off for good, hmm?
You know...
To me, they're like a...
a buzzing fly."
"To me, they're like
...a buzzing fly,
buzzing around your head
while you sit
and watch it for a while
without raising your hand,
against it... like this.
Si? Ah...
Go ahead,
you Baltimore fly.
Buzz me one more time
and I will snatch you
out of the air
and you will buzz me no more.
Diego...
Diego!
Forget it, huh?
This isn't so much
for George, anyhow
as, uh... certain other people
who can't control their feelings
toward their teammates.
Rule one: No dissension.
- Baltimore...
- Baltimore...
...enough is enough.
I should've pulled
away from you by now
and now I think I will
simply pull myself together
and squash out
your miserable life.
Fly, you are done for.
Whack!
But only one thing is wrong.
I look down on my hand,
and I see no fly
and I ask myself,
"How could I have missed it
"when I already seen the whole
league around, east and west
and I know that I am the winner
if I work together?"
Diego, forget it, huh?
- Forget?
- Yeah.
What is "forget"?
Ah! "Forget"
is not to remember.
But, mister, it's too
quick not to remember.
She's just now...
boom... happened, no?
"Forget it" means "screw it."
Why did I lose
when I should have won?
Because the fly flew
through my fingers
and the reason that the fly flew
through my fingers was
because the fingers
did not work together.
The first finger's saying
to the second finger
"I don't like you because
you won't play cards with me"
and the second finger says
to the third finger
"You should hear
what finger number one
has been saying about you"
and the third finger says
to the fourth finger
"I don't agree
with the color of your skin"
and the fourth finger says
to the fifth finger
"Let's you and me cut finger
number three down, then
"and tell our goddamn wives
to do the same
and bring up our children
likewise."
Boys, boys! This is suicide.
Work together. Play together.
This way, when the World Series
time comes around
you'll be there!
You won't be home, watching it
on electrical television.
Look sharp
Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee
Feel sharp
Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Dutch was right...
the whole club
gave me the creeps.
I was liable
to wake up some morning
not speaking to myself.
The ragging was even
getting to me.
Hey, Romeo, where's Juliet?
Romeo was a
great lover, Joe.
You jealous?
'Cause if you're jealous
I believe you can buy
these little pills
that give you back your
pep in bed you lost
when you were young like me.
Mind your tongue, boy.
Be careful
how you rag your elders.
Don't pull your rank on me.
Give is give and take is take.
How's your wife?
Nice of you to ask.
Ain't took my wife
to a ball game in 11 years.
Take her when we hit Chicago.
First laid eyes on my wife
in a ballpark.
Probably looked like you
back then, I...
I used to shave my face
every day.
Had high hopes...
making the big cash.
It's never too late
for an Arcturis Annuity.
It's much too late.
I'm too old.
No, no.
With your serious money
I could fiX you up
with a plan as a starter.
You know,
I been meaning to ask you...
but a guy my age hates
to ask a punk like you
for tips on things.
What do you own?
What do I own?
I own
two catcher's mitts
and a baseball autographed
by each and every member
of the New York Mammoths.
Put it all together
you got a fin
in any hock shop in Chicago.
What I own is debts.
Well, that's simple.
We'll declare bankruptcy.
That's something for a fellow
to look forward to.
How?
I'll show you, but you got
to do me one favor.
What's that?
You got to lay off Pearson.
I just joke around.
It's something
to keep up my spirits
that's all.
He's dying.
You mean soon, any day now?
Could happen
any time.
Does Dutch know?
No. You mustn't
tell him, either.
He'd cut him loose in a minute.
Only me and you know.
Only you
and me know...
only you and me
will ever know.
Arthur?
Arthur?
Arthur? Arthur?
Who is that?
Arthur, Arthur,
something's happening.
Something's happening to me.
Yeah?
Yeah? What's happening?
Where's Goose? I need help.
What for?
You know.
Well, what do I do?
You can talk, Horse knows.
He told me.
You weren't supposed
to mention it.
Only my roomie.
You got to go get this doctor,
Dr. Charleston P. Chambers.
Check.
I'm really sorry
to have woke you.
I was hoping it wouldn't happen
at a bad hour.
I was hoping it
wouldn't happen this...
Make it back to me another time.
No, there's not going to be
another time.
Dutch'll probably bring
Piney Woods back up now
and he's going to be real happy.
Is the doctor going to come?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Goose went after him.
Goose? Why Goose?
Why Goose?
Well, he's right
down the hall.
Goose has got
a heart of gold.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I guess it never
really showed.
Probably you told him
or something.
I nev... I never told a soul.
Yeah...
Probably everybody'd be nice
to you
if they knew you were dying.
Everybody knows
everybody's dying.
That's why people are
as good as they are.
I'm scared. Hold onto me.
Who is
the sick baseball player?
Are you
a baseball player, too?
Yes, sir,
I'm Henry Wiggen, sir.
Thank you.
I've heard that name...
not that I follow the game.
I've detested it
since early childhood.
It's a dying game, I'm told.
Hmm...
Hmm...
Mmm.
Mmm. I think...
I think it's something else.
You mean something else besides
what they said in Minnesota?
Oh, I couldn't say about that.
I only mean that
I don't think
there's any danger
right at this minute.
Oh, boy.
'Cause this sure felt like it.
Now you can do me one favor.
Please send a bill
care of my wife
in Perkinsville, New York
and also not leak anything
to the papers.
I'm not in the habit
of leaking my, uh, house calls
to the papers.
Arthur, meet Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers is a detective.
Sit down.
Mr. Rogers has been
down to Bainbridge
and is now on his way
up to Minnesota
filling in some facts for me.
However, you can save us
some time
by filling in the rest
of the story
which Mr. Rogers has begun.
I'll certainly try my darndest.
Tell him what you discovered.
In Bainbridge, Georgia,
the subject's domicile
I developed
the following information.
I interviewed a Mr. Jay Clark,
the mailman
and a colored woman named Janet.
Uh, never mind the facts.
Give me details.
The details are
that the subject, Pearson
told various people that he
wasn't feeling so good
and went to the
hospital in Atlanta.
The hospital in
Atlanta recommended
the hospital
in Minnesota...
If you'd actually spoken
to anybody worth the while
you'd learn that Pearson has
this old-time habit
of running back to Atlanta
maybe once
or twice a month.
No doubt you developed
that much.
No need telling you
where he went in Atlanta...
everybody knows that.
Naturally.
And you know
what you sometimes pick up
in such places...
which he did
and which he'd rather not
have them treat in Atlanta
so close to home,
for fear of it getting back
and embarrassing his mother.
So, up he goes to Minnesota
with his fishing gear
forgetting that the ice is nine-
feet thick that time of year
checks in with the Mayo Brothers
gets himself shot
with a couple of miracle drugs
flirts with the nurses,
checks out
meets me in Cannon Falls,
we hunted...
What? What?!
We hunted up some girls we know.
God... damn it.
God... damn it!
Hanson?
Hanson!
Loftus!
Randy, get me Doc Loftus!
What's the sudden
interruption?
I don't know.
You're the detective.
I seen the girls
he runs around with.
She'll give it
to the whole club.
She'll run
right around my infield!
Take down your pants.
Are you over the clap yet?
Oh, yes, sir; long ago.
How do we know?
Check him over, Doc.
All I need is the clap running
through my ball club now!
Hey, Arthur
what's going on around here?
Sometimes I don't know
what's going on, sometimes.
He looks just fine to me.
Never better.
Healthy young man
if ever I saw one.
Uh, should I head out
and develop this
information farther
in-in Rochester, Minnesota?
Rochester, Minnesota?
Where you got shot
for the clap.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Stay with it.
Some things have yet
to be eXplained.
In July, we dropped a couple
more games off the pace.
It was strange...
the team was going lousy
yet I led both leagues
in wins...
smelling 25, maybe more...
and for the first time
in his life
Bruce played regular.
He didn't bust down fences
left and right
but he hit steady... 265, 270.
That's not great,
but for Bruce, it's fantastic.
Wouldn't you say
that if the Arcturis
Company discovered
that you'd been
writing phony letters
to prevent Bruce from
changing his beneficiary...
Oh, that's not a phony letter;
that's a real letter.
- You wrote it.
- The company wrote it.
Or if you didn't write it
your wife wrote it...
that's my guess...
and several baseball players
tell me I'm probably right.
Maybe I'll go check this
with the company themself.
They'd take away your license.
Throw me in jail, hmm?
Ruin you as an
insurance agent.
Hmm...
Well, if you say anything
to the Arcturis Company
I'll stroll down to a certain
police station on 66th Street
and swear out
a complaint
against a certain
"answering service."
Well, I'm not really anXious
to complain
to the Arcturis Company.
I don't see any reason
why you and I can't...
arrange a settlement of this
between us.
A deal?
A compromise.
I can't compromise
with his money.
That's none of your business.
You're supposed
to do what he wants.
I'm deciding what he wants.
That's illegal.
I know.
First week in August,
his father hit town.
Safe!
Stee...
All right, Mammoths,
let's go, let's go!
Safe!
Get a job, Wiggen,
get a job!
All right, Arthur, it's
just one of those days.
It's the last
of the order, Dutch.
You've done a lot of pitching.
Let somebody else mop up.
Go ahead, take it easy.
Let's get Caselli in here.
Caselli!
Oh, Henry.
Hello, Mr. Pearson.
Please, move on, and don't
disturb the ball players.
That's okay, Jim.
I know I am intruding
on you, and I know...
No, you're not.
You've been
intruded on enough.
Aah...
It's a ball game, sir.
You win 'em; you lose 'em.
No, Henry, I mean,
regarding my son.
Sir?
You know about...
the condition of my son?
Yes, sir.
Well, so do I.
Yes, sir, I suspected you did.
How-How can he be so sick
and play so well?
I really don't even know, sir.
If I knew, I'd say.
And not play so well
but better than ever,
and that's a fact.
That's a fact, sir.
There's no mistake
about that.
So, I've been wondering
if they didn't make
some kind of a mistake
out there at that hospital
in Minnesota
because it-it's hard
to believe
that it can be true.
I-I, uh...
I don't think
I'd count on it, sir.
They got an awful famous
reputation up there.
I know it's been
a terrible strain on you.
It's a lot worse on him, sir
and on you.
So, I've been...
I've been thinking
and I don't generally swear...
You go ahead and you swear,
Mr. Pearson.
Plain old mother talk
ain't no words
near strong enough to describe
such a terrible miX-up
as life, Arthur...
but I'm swearing, my son's
been handed one shit deal!
Yes, sir.
What'd you do that for?
That's a really
juvenile thing to do.
Don't do that.
Now, they bombed
you out early.
Why didn't you use your
energy in the game?
What are you doing
it in here for?
Listen, don't mess around
with that stuff.
Everybody's going
to be very...
You're writing
a new book, Arthur?
No, Joe,
I'm being interrupted
by somebody
busting in my room.
About you and Pearson?
What makes
you think so?
I didn't understand
the situation.
What situation?
The situation you're probably
writing the book about.
Probably what situation?
The way I feel
about it is this:
I believe that Pearson's
a better tegwar player
than I ever realized
and should play with
us all the time.
I swear to God, Arthur
I'm shaking and my knees are
trembling, my heart is sick.
He told me on the airplane.
Who told you what?
Goose told me.
Why?
I've been calling Pearson
"Romeo and Juliet:
Which is which," see?
Now who'll you tell?
Nobody, Arthur!
Absolutely nobody!
I told the wife,
and that's the end of it.
Why "told the wife"?
Arthur,
I tell the wife everything.
Hello, Doc.
Sidney.
What's up?
Where is everybody?
Nobody knows.
I'll bet Tootsie knows.
Knows what, Arthur?
Now look,
I know something is up.
The long distance
been flying far and fast.
I could use two grandstands
any weekend or night.
Yeah, well, tickets are going
to be scarcer and scarcer
from here on in.
Why did I see Doc Loftus
just pass through?
Oh, Doc Loftus in the hotel?
Doc Loftus, telephone, please.
Who wants him?
Dutch wants him.
Who's sick?
I don't know,
somebody in Minnesota.
I'm not clear.
Look, I only catch
a little bit now and then
and, besides, who understands
this medical talk
they're talking?
But I believe he has a leak
in his blood somewhere.
Room service?
Just a moment, please.
Nothing serious,
but I don't know who.
I never heard of it.
But for two more grandstands
on the following day
I can tell you
something else.
Yeah? I'd hate to hear it.
You are in the doghouse.
Why you?
You've been playing
your heart out.
It's some of those other
so-called baseball players
been dragging their foot.
That's why
we haven't won it yet.
Why me?
Because of your contract,
Pearson...
Mr. Rogers
the detective, broke it open.
You see, very easy.
Joe Jaros and Goose Williams
spent the winter in Minnesota
with Pearson.
You know, I didn't even know
they were that friendly.
Well, takes all kinds.
The time is 8:06.
Third base side, Arthur,
lower deck, not too far back
and not behind no pillars
nor post.
I told you!
I told you I'd get
to the bottom of this!
Good morning to all.
Good morning.
Shouldn't have kept
it a secret, Henry.
I can't understand
why I'm not crying.
Keep your hankie handy,
dearie.
Makes you think it can happen
to your own son.
It upset Joe
something terrible.
Don't you think
we discussed it enough
as far as how horrible it is?
Tonight is another ball game
as usual.
Maybe we can get help
from the, uh, commissioner.
You can't get help there
and keep it in this room
at the same time.
Well, then let
the facts out.
It wouldn't be human.
Is it human to lose?
We're calling in Piney Woods
from Queens City
for eXtra catching.
Ready on your call
to Professor Traphagen.
Do we really need him?
He was the greatest
catcher I ever saw.
Arthur, you were his boy.
You talk him into coming back
to help us.
He's out of condition.
He teaches English
at a college.
He won't play.
He'll stick to catching.
He'll study us, help
us make it to the end.
How much can I offer him?
The sky's the limit,
and I'm sure the boys will go
to a full series share
if we win.
Red?
Oh, trouble, Red.
Lots of trouble!
Arthur wants to talk to you!
Yeah, it's Arthur who got us
in trouble in the first place.
Red, we got a crisis here,
and we need your help.
You get a full series share
if we win it.
Red, how do you like the sound
of a thousand dollars a week?
Can't find a substitute?
To do what?
Teach English?
What teach English?
People speak English already!
Red, Red, it's urgent.
I swear you won't have to play,
just instruct the catching!
Right!
Hop on the nearest plane.
Love and kisses, Red.
I hate him.
Have you thought up
anything yet, Doc?
I'm thinking.
You're a
slow thinker.
This thing, this...
What is it called?
The disease is named
for Hodgkin.
He's the man who identified it.
Find him.
Is he alive himself?
Maybe he thought up a cure
by now
that those jugheads up in
Minnesota didn't hear about yet.
What the hell kind of a place
is that anyway
to build a goddamn hospital
in the wilds of nowhere?
Does a man freeze his ass off
by the time they get him
down in bed?
You. You were there.
You sneaked out there
in the middle of winter
and all the rest
was horse feathers.
You and Mary "P" for palooka!
And hunting through the ice
and miracle drugs for the clap
and tricks on the telephone!
Whoo-hoo!
Howdy, partners!
Hey, Piney,
what's going on?
Tumblin' tumbleweeds!
Piney Woods!
Hey, Piney, Piney
did you come here
from Queens City
on horseback?
No, partner,
I flew.
Hey, it's Red Traphagan!
What's up, Arthur?
Damn if I know.
You know I'd tell
you if I knew.
It smells the same.
It stinks!
Human perspiration smells,
it doesn't stink.
Wouldn't have it
any other way, huh?
Arthur.
How are you?
Jesus, you've been
having a great year.
Best year of my life.
I've bet you got
no reception like this
in San Francisco.
No, they pray I
don't show for class.
What's up, Red?
Why are you here?
Let's get a statement.
Ponce!
Ponce, I want to talk
to my boys, huh?
Why is he here, Dutch?
What's happening?
- Is he going to play?
- Never.
He's here to coach
the catching
and Piney's here to
catch the catching
in case anything happens.
You'll get your story later.
- Why now?
- Mental lapse, that's why.
Beat it.
Look, there's lemonade,
there's cookies outside.
Why don't you get going,
stay outside.
If you want a story
I'll give it to you later on.
Where's your gun?
Well, right here, partner.
Hand it over.
I'm in no mood to
see anybody get killed
by a bullet wound.
Piney, I hear you had
bullets with it, too.
Well, yes, sir.
They're in the gun.
Why the hell didn't
you tell me?
Why, I didn't think
it'd go off.
I'm always very careful.
That's what everybody says.
That's why the hospitals
are full of babies.
- Jonah?
- Yeah.
You shot guns in the war.
No, sir, I played baseball.
Some hell of a war.
Canada.
Yes, sir.
- You shot guns in Vietnam.
- Right.
Here. Take and empty this gun.
Why am I here, Arthur?
Boys? Boys...
I want to welcome Red back
from the Coast
to bolster us
and steady up the instruction.
I want to welcome Piney Woods
back from the wild, wild west
to ride along with us
all the way now
is what I'm hoping.
You've all been doing
very good jobs.
Maybe now and then
some baseball player
or other type of person gets
the idea that I'm not human.
Well, for eXample, even...
Pearson here thought
that I sometimes
wasn't human.
No, sir.
I, uh, probably ate
you out now and then
but never
without a reason.
No, sir, you only ate me out
for doing dumb things.
No, no, no, no,
I ate you out
for the good of the club
and for your own pocketbook
never for
anything personal
because I know
that you know
that personally
I never had anything
but the greatest respect
for you as a human being.
Yes, sir,
that was how I always felt.
When I die...
When I die...
...the papers will write
in the headlines
"Son of a Bitches of the World
Have Lost Their Leader."
Yet, many a boy
might shed a tear or two
that rode along with me
into the big bunny
and, uh, that's why
I maybe now and then
I ate Pearson out or
some other type of person.
It's time, Dutch.
Yeah.
I'll say it's time!
Let's go, boys!
Now that you're here
tell me what you see, okay?
'Cause I know I got faults.
I always did.
Throw the ball back
to the pitcher better.
Make it easy on him.
Right, I will.
I really will now.
I'll do that.
I told you that
a thousand times.
When he tells you,
you believe him.
Yeah, but he's a catcher.
You ain't no catcher.
We're of the tribe
of catchers.
Yeah, huh.
Oh, yeah, but when you hit
don't chew.
There's a system
to your chewing.
You give yourself away.
When he tenses up,
he stops chewing.
That's it.
Oh, one other little thing...
use a lighter bat.
I always thought you used
too heavy a bat.
Big, strong boy like you,
you just meet the ball.
Don't murder it.
Okay.
Is she familiar to you?
Oh, you bet.
I seen her on TV.
Plus, she was voted
Miss Industrial Progress
not so very long ago.
I believe I recall
the event.
Tell Mr. Wiggen your present
business address.
66th Street.
Where you've got
a golden lifetime pass to
just as soon as I lay my hands
on that Change
of Beneficiary form
to you-know-who's policy.
Miss Industrial Progress here
is a baseball fan
from way back,
aren't you, honey?
I sure am.
You won't play ball forever.
You got a short life.
Why not live it up a little bit?
I mean,
why worry so much about...
you-know-who and his family
and his little old policy.
Why?
Why?
I don't know why you don't
live it up all the time
when dying is
just around the corner
but you don't.
You'd think you would,
but you don't.
I don't know why.
All right, bring them in.
As I was walking the streets
of Laredo
As I walked out
in Laredo one day
I spied a young cowboy
all wrapped in white linen
Wrapped in white linen
as cold as the clay...
Then the cowboy speaks.
Try a different song!
Yeah, I don't like that song.
No, the cowboy speaks.
I don't want to hear
the cowboy speak.
I seen by his outfit
that he was a cowboy
And as I walked near him
these words he did sigh
"Come sit down beside me
and hear my sad story
Shot in the breast,
and I know I must die"...
You got another number, Piney?
That song stinks.
It's a cornball song.
Hey, I think it's letting up.
Let him sing.
Yeah, it sounds good.
Yeah, the cowboy tells
his sad story.
Yes, once in the saddle,
I used to go dashing
Once in the saddle,
I used to go gay
First down to Rosie's,
and then to the card house
Shot in the breast,
and I'm dying today
Get 16 gamblers
to carry my coffin
Get siX pretty maidens
to sing me a song
Take me to the valley
and lay the sod o'er me
I'm just a young cowboy,
and I know I done wrong.
Come on, boys.
Why don't you join in a little
like they do, you know?
Oh, bang the drum slowly
and play the fife lowly
Play the dead march
as they carry me along
Put bunches of roses
all over my coffin
Roses too deaden the clods
as they fall.
Hey!
Hey, it's Arthur!
Hey, Arthur, hat's off.
Come on in, Arthur.
Come on,
join the celebration.
I guess I will... I live here.
Celebrating what?
Uh...
celebrating!
Celebrating celebration.
Yeah, hats off!
Hey, gee, Piney,
he said "Hats off"
So take your hat off.
Well, whatever Bruce says,
I'll do, for in my opinion
there's no greater catcher
in baseball today.
Hats off.
Baltimore won.
Well, that's okay
'cause they ain't going
to beat us!
Best of five.
Hey, hey, why, hats off.
Oh, give me a home
where the buffalo roam
And the deer
and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word...
I thought I might be dreaming.
I figured I'd wake up
and they'd be
ragging each other
and slinging horse shit
as usual.
But it was real.
They were there,
and Bruce amongst them.
It was a club.
...Where seldom is heard
a discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy
all day...
No, there's no...
I don't want to be here
when he shoots.
He's gonna shoot goddamn...
Ah, my eyes.
Glass all over the floor.
Where's my shoes?
Arthur.
You all right?
Yeah.
Oh, they're a great bunch
of boys.
They always was.
Put a card there,
all right.
Joe, you up.
Yeah, I'm betting right now.
I want five dollars more.
I'm putting in five.
Five more.
What are you betting on?
Five. I'll tell you
after you put in the five.
And I'm going
to raise you two.
Okay, what are?
- Raise me two.
- I want to raise two.
- All right, he can raise.
- You owe.
Two and two better.
I'll raise you two.
Hey, you're not putting
in any money.
What are you holding, Joe?
- The siX dollars.
- What are you holding?
- I got it.
- I'll just raise you two.
Are you talking big,
or are you holding?
No, no, no.
I want to see his money here.
I just raised two, though.
I can't play.
Listen, put in the money!
I'll put it in,
but I don't understand...
Put in another
three dollars there.
That's it.
Three more.
- Here it is.
- No, but he didn't...
Jack and a three,
and it's all mine.
- Wait a...
- I've got the trump card here.
15, 15!
I haven't even played my hand...
No good, no good!
Wait a minute,
we got a split.
We got a run
right through the ten...
Can you beat
a Coney Island tady?
Yeah. Well, well...
Well, what about
this double ace deuces?
I wish you a lot
of luck with it.
It was a club
like it should've been all year
but never was
but all of a sudden become.
We'd begun to pull ahead.
Please welcome
for a return engagement
on this program
the Singing Mammoths
and their newest member,
Bruce Pearson.
Please eXcuse my tears
'Cause I've been
on the road to tribulation
And I find
no consolation here
What good is a love song
if the words are second-hand?
They don't belong
to anyone you can't get near
'Cause I live on the outside
of your joy and laughter
You gave me a good ride,
but I can't come after
All is said and done
I'm not the one
you really took me for
And so, you better look
before you leap
Yeah.
Come on there, Bruce.
Play it.
Whoo!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah.
Ooh!
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
I live on the outside
of your joy and laughter
You gave me a good ride,
but I can't come after
All is said and done
I'm not the one
you really took me for
And so, you'd better look
before you leap
So you better look
before you leap
So you better look
before you weep.
Bruce, you
did it, man!
Get it over here!
Hey, get over here!
What, what?
Ah, nothing.
I'll call a
doctor, okay?
No.
Is it the real thing?
Well, yes and no.
I just feel a little dipsy.
Maybe if you open a window.
Hi, Katie.
I'm okay.
Well, I'm feeling
a little dipsy.
Uh, no, I don't think he did.
Oh, he's getting to it.
Mm-hmm.
No, he's getting to it.
Yeah.
Uh...
Katie? But I didn't...
Katie?
Katie?
Well, okay, yeah,
and I love you, too.
Yeah.
I'll get Perry to warm you.
No, no, I'm okay.
Am I throwing
the ball back better?
Oh, yeah
and it's helping
me out a lot, too.
Everything had been
going our way
and when the Pirates came
to town
we had ourselves
a good cushion.
We were unstoppable.
It was only a matter of time.
Oh!
Keep it moving,
don't slow it down.
Are you all right?
You don't look all right.
Strike Three! You're out!
Hey, uh, are you all right?
Bruce?
He's all right.
We'll take care of him.
Stee!
Strike two!
Come on! Go!
Yes!
Heads up, Bruce, heads up!
He's not too clear
in his head, Dutch.
Then let's keep your sign
off the bench.
Ah, tell Horse to cover
pop flies around the plate.
Stee!
Ball two!
Stee!
You can go in now.
It's sad; makes
you want to cry.
It is sad...
makes you want to laugh.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Joe.
Hi.
Hope I brought
the right combination.
Yeah.
Did anyone bring my shoes?
Yeah, sure.
Thanks for everything, Arthur.
Thanks a lot.
And I'll be back in the spring.
I'm going to be in shape then;
you'll see.
Yeah, I'll see you then,
and, Bruce...
Yeah.
...see you in Aqua Clara,
all right?
Yeah.
Hey, Arthur, don't forget
to send me a scorecard
from the series, okay?
You bet I will.
Okay.
I'll see you.
I'll see you.
We breezed through the playoffs
and wrapped up the series
on a Sunday.
My win.
I took the scorecard home
and threw it on the shelf
and left it lay there.
It would've been simple
to shove it in the mail.
How long would it have took?
Couldn't I afford the stamps?
In my Arcturis calendar
for December 10, it says:
Desoto visited Georgia, 15-40.
This hands me a laugh.
Bruce Pearson also visited
Georgia.
I was his pallbearer
me and some local boys.
There were flowers
from the club
but no person from the club.
They could've sent somebody.
He wasn't a bad fella...
no worse than most
and probably better than some...
and not a bad ballplayer
neither
when they give him
the chance...
when they laid off him
long enough.
From here on in, I rag nobody.