Bachelorette (2012)

Things have been going well.
I've been working
with these sick kids,
kids who've been
diagnosed with cancer.
And chemo when you're
twelve, like, sucks.
But...I mean, chemo
sucks in general,
but twelve sucks It's
when it happens.
When what happens?
Are you girls ready to order?
Oh, I'll get the Cobb
Salad, with the... oh,
no chicken, no bacon, no
cheese and no avocado.
Mm... I'll get the
burger and fries.
but maybe with her
bacon and her cheese,
and do not bring
me a dessert menu.
I already know I
want the cheesecake,
the brownie cheesecake.
I'm so glad you're not on
that stupid diet anymore.
It was making me
a miserable person.
So, I have some news.
What are you doing right now?
Just like your
typical Sunday morning.
It's Monday and it's
like noon in L.A.
Uh, how do you know that?
You don't even
fuckin' live here.
Okay. Well... you don't
even know my day right now.
I was having lunch with Becky.
We went to that place,
I haven't started the story yet.
No. Ugh.
I just realized that the
guy I slept with sucks.
Would you stop thinking
about yourself
and your weird little
life for five seconds?
I was having lunch with Becky...
I have some news.
My point is, imagine
chemo on top of twelve.
It really makes you
appreciate what we have.
Yeah, it does.
So, things have been
getting pretty serious
with Dale and I, and I
haven't really told anyone
Can I say something?
Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
I gotta conference in Katie.
Oh, for Chris sakes!
Tell her later.
This story is so
fucking long already,
I'm not gonna
remember any of it.
So just hold on.
Welcome to Club Monaco.
That's totally cute.
We don't have like anything
that cute in the store.
Well um, hey, why don't
we try folding stuff?
Oh. I gotta take this.
It's work.
You're at work.
Hey, what's up?
I don't know. It's like...
some drama with Becky.
Tell me everything.
I haven't really told
anyone Can I say something?
And I'm only saying this because
you're my friend and
I really care about you.
Do I have something on my face?
Guys like Dale,
born wealthy guys,
they hate going public
And if he doesn't
want to be with you,
it's because he's an asshole,
not because you're... . Jewish.
I mean, she's our friend.
I love her.
She has a pretty face.
Do you remember in high school,
all the boys used
to call her Pig Face.
Everybody called her
Pig Face in high school.
I mean, behind her back.
We've been friends since we
were little girls, Becky.
I want you to be with someone
who shouts it from the rooftops.
I know.
That's why I can't really
keep it a secret anymore
Dale asked me to marry him.
Oh... - That's insane.
- That's insane.
Okay. Back me up here.
I like, was...
totally gonna be the
one to get married first.
Yeah. He's also like
super good-looking.
I Googled him like
a-a few months ago.
Like, it's alarming.
I wanna date a
guy who has a job.
You know, we're all gonna have
to be in this wedding now.
Silver lining.
We're gonna get to throw
a bachelorette party
We're gonna get to
dress up and be cool.
It's gonna be just like prom.
I don't need to parade
around a bunch of people
that I used to know.
Clyde's gonna be there.
I'll probably go.
I've gotta go to work.
Yeah, shit.
I'm fired by now.
I've gotta go read some
books to these cancer kids.
Love you Beeeeees!
#deaf chords, dead ends#
#sling set can't
meet their demands#
#devil horns, best friends#
#infinity guitars, go head#
#street wars, straight men#
#cowboys, indians#
#red souls, red friends#
#infinity guitars, your heart#
Are you so excited
for your big night?
I'm so excited.
I've been waiting for this for like...
...six months.
I've been waiting for
this my whole life.
I've just been wanting
something to happen,
and now it is, and
all the Bee-Faces
are gonna be back
together again!
And I had a spray tan!
So excited! Hey!
Um, do you think I
can get away with this,
or do I look like I'm
just one of the help?
No, you look really cute.
Did you just make a face?
Uh, no. No, she-she's retarded.
Uh, I mean sh-she
uh, Asper- Asperger's.
She has Asperger's.
She can't control her face.
LooVery fucking professional.
Okay. Now, I gotta
get on the train.
You got the deets for the
Bachelorette party?
Deets, check.
Oh... Just in case.
Mm, you think of everything.
I do.
Wish me luck!
Good luck!
The dress is really nice!
Fuck you!
Now don't wear boots.
Fucking cogs!
Just get it together fast, okay.
Don't you dare miss this flight.
God, stop yelling at me, okay?
I'm not the one
getting fucking married.
What are you even
doing right now?
You're such a competent and
calming maid of honor, Regan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy on the sugar.
She still has to fit
in her dress tomorrow.
Oh, Chinatown,
I need a limo to JFK.
Do you understand that?
And I need um, champagne
sent up to my suite.
Plans have changed, okay?
The bride wants a
bachelorette party now.
Oh, okay...Well, why
am I the last to know?
I can't believe you
get paid for this,
and I'm just a good friend.
about blowjobs,
if you want to hear it.
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
It's very interesting.
All right.
I-I personally think
that blowjobs are
an extremely delicate thing.
You know, like if you're..
if you're ranking them
on a scale of 1 to 10,
and 10 being I'm, you know,
choking on just semen,
vomit just everywhere.
I think you gotta start
off with 4s and with 5s.
Like just enough so the...
so that you know that
I know exactly what I'm doing,
but with zero enthusiasm.
I'm giving you nothing,
because then you're
gonna be like
all right, fine. I'll
just fuck her, you know?
'Cause if I start off with
a 10, I got nowhere to go.
I mean, why are you gonna
spend any time fucking me?
You just came all over my face.
So you start off small, right?
But you build.
I'll give you a 6
after a fight, when
we're making up.
And then an 8
when you spend a
shitload of money on me,
or get me something
that's like a sweet...
gift or whatever,
I'll do full 8.
But then, I circle it back.
Back to the 3s, the 4s, and
the 5s, because that shit,
every time, without fail,
makes the guy's
dick alarm go off.
You know what I mean
when I say dick alarm.
And you're gonna be like,
"Hey, baby.
What's wrong with you?
You're acting funny.
Why so sad?"
When really what you're
telling me is, "God dammit,
just like suck my dick harder."
So... um... let's just
say um, like, what...
what would merit a 10?
What's an example?
I don't know,
you're like on a...
on an airplane, you're going
to a wedding of this girl
that you went to
high school with.
Uh, two more?
And your ex-boyfriend uh...
Your ex-boyfriend who
ruined your fucking life
is gonna be there.
That jerk.
All this pent-up frustration,
sitting next to some dude
you're never gonna see again.
That would warrant a 10.
Well... How about this guy?
Oh, no. I feel like I'll
definitely see you again.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at her!
Aw, Bees!
We're together again!
Everything's okay, you guys.
All right.
How are we gonna get through
the next twelve hours?
Gena brought cocaine!
Oh, my god.
Let's use our indoor voices, about it...
you know...
Here's the deal, though.
We need to do some before
the bachelorette party.
Uh, it's not that
kind of a party.
Hear me out.
We don't want to share our
coke with rando bridesmaids.
It's for us.
It's true.
I'm so excited, I
could buy a gun.
You guys are all
here, at my wedding.
Me... Isn't it just crazy?
Did Regan tell you guys
just how excited I am?
I see Regan all the time.
I'm sick of her.
Yeah. Feeling's mutual.
I'm so sick of you.
I'm sick of you, too.
There's my sick, running
down your shoulder.
You are the first
Bee-Face to get married.
I'm gonna cry.
No, don't cry, 'cause
then I will cry too.
Like when we all watched
Princess Di's funeral
together, you remember that?
Too soon.
That was like fifteen
years ago, pal.
Uh, that was like
four years ago.
It was fifteen
years ago, Katie.
It was five years ago.
I think I know
when Lady Diana died.
Did Regan explain to you
about the par-tay tonight?
I was just trying to
tell them that, yes...
Well, okay. It's a little
- but... We are having champagne...
- Ooh!
...and ice cream,
in our suite after
the rehearsal dinner.
And then we're gonna
like, party, right?
Like ah... like woo!
Like mm... Oh.
I know.
Yeah, boring.
Old, boring, almost-married
lady right here.
Yeah, it's just that uh,
a lot of the bridesmaids
came from out of town,
so I just had to keep
it really low-key.
And besides, I'm not a
big partier anymore.
Not like some people.
These two.
So... all right, well... I
think our car is waiting,
so let's all go.
Oh. Let's go.
Byeee... We're totally gonna
keep it low-key, too.
That's what we
were talking about.
Just keeping it low-key.
That's the kind
of girls we are.
Let's do some coke.
Look at these people,
just desperate,
terrible, all of them.
They want to be like, in
what, legalized slavery?
That's what it is,
it's like a Jane
Austen novel on crack.
That's exactly right.
Should we do some more coke?
If you do anymore coke,
somebody's dick is
gonna get sucked.
Oh... #
Here we go.
To you and your
beautiful daughter.
Yes, indeed.
are you feeling
confident about tomorrow?
Your walk down the aisle
was a little bumpy.
Was it bumpy?
I don't remember it being bumpy.
Are you kidding? Best man,
mother of the bride?
We got this on lockdown,
don't we, Victoria?
He's handsome and funny.
Are you married, Trevor?
Oh. Yeah. No, no.
I'm trying, though.
I'm just, you know...
haven't found the
right girl yet.
You know how Becky
wanted to keep it low-key?
Well... I got a stripper for
the bachelorette party.
Stop your lies.
You don't know any strippers.
I do.
I know a freelance stripper.
That sounds amazing.
What's going on?
I just don't know...
how to do it.
Like in a bathtub,
with rope... I just
I gotta go do something.
Please don't leave me alone.
Now honey, why can't you...
- ...find a nice man like this?
- Hmm?
Oh, come on.
Frank is never
gonna commit to you.
Frank? Who's Frank?
Her boyfriend.
He's doing his residency.
He'll be here tomorrow.
Yeah... Wow.
I bet he's busy a lot.
Tough to commit that way.
Let's just say
hi to Aunt Janey, okay?
You don't want to be rude.
If you get bored,
I'll be right here.
Can I get you anything?
I'm-I'm good, actually.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Joe... Barnes?
From back in the...
we went to...
high school together...
Do you...?
Do you have a job?
A job? Like out- like a...
yeah, I have a job um,
uh, in the world.
computer programming, actually.
Like a Steve Jobs
kind of thing?
Uh, hmm, kind- err, no.
Not at all, actually.
I didn't found Apple.
You don't remember me, do you?
Ah... The honeymoon
is a total surprise.
I haven't told her yet, but
I'm gonna blow her mind.
Boar hunting?
We're going to central Germany.
It's incredible. We should...
Hi, Clyde.
I haven't seen you since...
...that thing.
...since that thing I
grew up next to Becky,
so I was kind of around a lot.
We would hang out
a little bit, and then
into high school, we were
in French class together.
Wait. I took French?
You actually used to
copy my homework.
But no, it's-it's good.
I just wanted to say hi, and...
and uh...
say the hellos.
I-I sold you pot.
Oh, Joe!
That's-that's me.
You've got bangs!
Yeah, new bangs.
Do you have some?
Remember how I was telling you
about the Bee-Faces,
Becky's friends?
This is Gena Myers,
she's one of them.
Oh, hi.
Gena, this is my
sister, Stefanie.
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Myers.
Oh, no. I'm not married.
And um, I'm not an
adult, either, so...
Excuse me for a second.
The natives are
getting restless.
Oh... You two know each other from...
...high school.
...since I was your age.
All right. I'm gonna go
sit down, but um... Okay.
...will you come
sit next to me?
Uh, well, whatever those
little place-cards say, okay?
I didn't say anything.
That is a... dress?
No, this is a T-shirt.
I'm glad to see you're still
fighting the good fight
against the tyranny of pants.
I also thought maybe
this would help you
get a head-start.
Maybe I'm looking
for a challenge.
Oh... is that why...
you're trying to
fuck a small child?
Good one.
You know what you should do?
Save the zingers for
the speeches, Genny.
Our seventh-grade field trip
to Six Flags is
coming to a close.
We're all piling on
the bus to go home.
Dale lags behind,
'cause he just has
to ride the Freefall
at the last minute.
So he's running like
hell to catch up to us,
and he just bites it.
Wipes out completely, spills
what must be two liters
of Dr. Pepper all over his
just epic.
So later, he and I are sitting
in the back of the bus,
and I get a whiff of
Dr. Pepper and piss.
And I say, "You know,
it'd be pretty funny
if you pissed your
pants riding Freefall,
and then spilled Dr. Pepper
all over yourself
to try, cover it up."
And he turns to me, and he
goes, "Yes, it would be.
But it would also
be kinda genius.
Classic Dale.
Classic Dale.
Thank you, Trevor.
You weren't supposed
to make your speech
'til tomorrow, but... it's fine.
Now we have a special surprise
from the bride's cousins.
This is gonna be good.
Yo, Becky?
Say what?
Yo, Dale?
Say who?
Guess what?
What who?
You getting married!
United you stand,
divided you fall!
Becky and Dale,
you only get one shot!
Okay, now
how about we hand it over
to one of our bridesmaids Gena?
Why don't you start us off?
Hey, welcome to the wedding.
Hey... Um... so, Becky.
I love you.
Uh, we met in the
high school bathroom.
You remember that?
Yeah, I was in there um,
like, eating my lunch,
'cause I was kind of a loser.
And uh, she was in there...
That was just for like a-a...
she did that for like a w-...
a week.
You guys...
I just want to make, actually,
a really important announcement.
I've lost my cell phone,
and last time I saw it,
actually it was...
it was back there, and I
feel like somebody took it.
All right.
Thank you.
Gena and Katie.
Having fun?
Nice, isn't it?
Um, Katie and Gena... seem a little...
or... No... No.
Oh, your mom's
gonna give a speech.
Ladies, I would
like to give a toast.
So if you'd all
just gather 'round.
I want some fucking champagne.
I'd like to make
a toast to my little girl.
To Becky.
To Becky! And Dale!
To Becky and Dale!
To Becky and Dale!
I'm sorry, but you
aware of the complaints
we've been getting
about the noise
coming from this room?
Uh, I'm so sorry.
We're just uh, we'll
keep it down.
I just... I'm getting
married in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry, but... I'm
gonna have to search you.
Hey, wait a minute here.
What's going on?
He's not a real cop.
He's not a real cop.
Show me what you got,
Come on, Pigface.
Let's get crunk!
No. Whoa.
What did you just call me?
What happened?
Why would he say that?
Because... because
it was just a j-... I mean,
he was joking around, you know.
It's fine, it's fine.
you're not Pigface, Becky.
Yeah... Nah.
Nobody calls
you Pigface anymore.
We're all having a good time.
Yeah, it's really funny.
Like how you told
everyone I was bulimic.
What the hell was that?
Not like... not like that. Um...
not like that at all,
because that wasn't funny.
How would you like it,
if I just told everyone
some of your shit.
Yeah, that would be awesome.
You know what,
how about everyone goes,
you know? Like let's just...
take a rest
No. No. You know what?
Don't bother coming tomorrow,
unless you're gonna
act like normal people.
Of course.
Have a good night.
It was nice to meet you.
Come on, sweetie.
What do you call a bachelorette
party without a bride?
Man... I really hate weddings.
I'm so glad you're here.
All right.
So like, let's assess
the situation.
Me! Me!
Becky's vagina's magic,
and she used it to
nab a perfect human being.
Magic's not real, right?
Magic is not real.
Yeah? How do you think I feel?
I've been planning this shit
for six months straight.
I'm ready to murder someone.
I believe it.
But wait,
what's her dress like?
I bet she looks beautiful.
Oh, my god.
Go get it.
Go get it!
Your mind's gonna be blown.
It's in there, it's
in the closet.
Bust it out.
You know what I
just keep thinking?
I did everything right.
I went to college.
I exercise, eat like
a normal person.
I got a boyfriend
in med school.
And nothing... is happening...
to me.
Are you all right?
No! I just told you.
I'm fucking miserable.
Yo, coke whores.
Pippa Middleton is here.
She put it on her body!
Oh, my god!
Guys, two people
could fit in this.
You know what you should do?
You guys should both get in it,
and then I'll take a picture
and put it on Facebook.
We can tag Becky.
Oh, my god.
That's a genius idea.
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Oh god!
Take the picture.
Oh, my god!
If we fit in this,
I am gonna pee my pants.
You know I'm gonna fit in it.
No, we're not.
We're gonna fit in it.
Oh, god.
It's like we're one person.
Oh, now we're in the circus!
It-it's totally ruined.
Oh, my god!
Take it off... Just take it off.
Oh, my god!
Just... step out slowly.
Oh, my god.
Tell me this is okay.
Tell me she can
still wear that.
It's okay.
She can still wear it.
It's not okay.
that's unfixable!
We're fucked!
Okay. We- you know what?
We're just gonna hide it.
We're gonna have to make it
look as if somebody just,
you know, they broke
in and they stole it.
No... We're gonna make it look
as if the place is ransacked.
What are you doing?
Watch out!
What the fuck are you doing?
Stop it! Stop it.
Everybody just calm down.
We need to fix this.
All right?
I thought you said
that was unfixable?
Well... I have done so much coke
that I should be dead, okay?
I should have died
like ten minutes ago,
so perhaps we should get a
second opinion.
This is an emergency.
It's an emergency.
An emergency.
I'm sorry,
but I can't help you.
Well, what are we
paying you for?
We're not paying her, Katie.
Somebody is paying her.
That's true.
Somebody is paying you.
Woo! Not enough.
You're supposed to
help the guests of the hotel
Are you a volunteer?
What kind of false
economy is this?
Are y'all high?
Come over here.
I don't think she speaks
English that well.
You're not coming
to the wedding?
Oh, my god.
Your residency,
my ass, Fuckface!
You knew about this for months!
Shit is going down!
I need you here.
Frank... Frank... Frank...
We have a bit
of a catastrophe here.
You wanna help us fix the fucking dress?
How's Frank?
Fuck Frank!
Okay... please?
There's gotta be
something you can do here.
This is housekeeping, not
Project Runway.
You need a tailor.
Tailors don't work
in the middle of the night.
Okay. Girlfriend to girlfriend,
you gotta be able
to work this out. Come on.
Bring it back first
thing in the morning,
and I can clean it for you.
Clean it?
It doesn't need to be cleaned.
Oh, my god!
Who's bleeding?
Wait... I'm not...
Am I bleeding?
Am I bleeding?
Oh, my god!
You're bleeding!
You're bleeding!
What, I'm bleeding?
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Girl, you bled on the
dress, you moron!
Oh, god!
Okay. What we need right now
is like an epically
brilliant plan, you know?
That's what we need.
So are you ready?
One, two, three, go!
Leave the country!
I'm gonna call Melissa, the
girl we got the dress from.
Jesus H. Macy, that's a
brilliant fucking plan!
How much cash you have?
I got five maxed
out credit cards.
I have a twenty-dollar...
I ripped it.
I got nothing.
That sums up your lives.
Caught in the act.
Oh, shit.
Busted. Hah-hah.
Looks like you guys caught us
in route to a gentleman's club.
Are you sure you're
gonna get in,
'cause I don't see
any gentlemen here.
Becky, I-I uh... I know
it's a little on the nose
that I'm going to strip club
the night before my wedding,
but you know, I'm fine with it
because the commitment
we're about to make,
that's what it's about.
Look... you're okay.
I want you to see me,
warts and all,
and yeah I'm going
to a strip club...
Becky's not here.
She's not here. Okay?
And nobody blames the
dude with the blindfold,
so relax.
I am also not really into this.
Yeah, you weren't blindfolded,
so that's hard to believe.
Where's your mascot?
Sick. She's dead.
Is that what we call Kate where is Katie?
She is dead. Sick.
Would you ladies be interested
in joining our little soiree?
That was not part
of the deal, Trevor.
No, because we gave up
strip clubs for lent, so...
And we have
bridesmaid's duties...
In the middle of the night?
That's interesting.
All right. Let's go.
Limo's waiting.
I'll text you.
Please don't.
Um, if you guys
do see Katie though,
let her know that I have pot,
'cause we had talked
about it at the thing,
but there were adults...
Your limo's waiting.
Oh hey, Clyde...
I just wanted to tell you that
if you strike out
with the pros,
you know you can
always call me, right?
Well... I deleted your number.
That's impressive.
In the middle of
all this chaos,
you had time for a crotch rub?
Paid off, though!
Oh, my god!
You guys?
I know I'm on
drugs, but I swear,
that room you
just pushed me into?
It was moving.
#we don't need not
wookie tokie#
We're paying their rent!
I feel like I'm
travelling backwards.
Can I take the blindfold off?
Joe's never...
you've never been
to a strip club, have you?
Have I been to a strip club?
You have.
Joe's never been
to a strip club.
I have been.
Hence why I know
that for a fact,
once you get in there.
You never know what
exactly to do.
It's weird getting a lap dance
in front of other people.
Oh, my god.
There's no reason
to get outraged
and use words like "hence."
I'm with Joe on this one.
Oh. Dale,
I will not let you kill fun
on your own bachelor party.
This is like negative fun.
You don't get it.
When you meet the right girl,
you don't do anything
to screw it up.
You're adorable.
Uh, I beg to differ.
I met the right girl, I did
everything to screw it up.
So why don't you
do something about it?
Like apologize?
Well, never got the chance.
Oh, I smell a new profile pic.
You know what I want to smell?
I want to smell
that burning bush
I want to smell that
fucking red snapper,
what's her name?
Is he talking
about Katie again?
Katie'd be like shooting
a helpless animal.
Guys... Joe has a decade-long
hard-on for the prom
queen, so take it easy.
Oh, what about
the maid of honor?
I'll take her down, then.
Mm... It's not a good idea.
Why, what do you mean?
So you know how there are
like serial killers,
and then there's
Hannibal Lector?
There are girls,
and there's Regan.
Hide it.
Hide it in the bag.
After tonight, no more coke.
None. No more coke.
I'm having like one of those
moments of clarity right now.
You know what I'm saying?
Where is this
Melissa chick, Regan?
I'm calling her.
I've got it
under control, okay?
Go back to your
little intervention.
It's not an intervention.
We're gonna get a dress.
A whole new dress!
What are you talking about?
Why don't we
fix this dreThat's a great idea!
Hey, Melissa!
Yeah, we're out... we're just
outside the bridal shop.
Oh, look. Look.
It's the maid of honor from hell
that has landed on my doorstep.
No, I'd much rather
be here with you
and your skanky friends
than maybe getting
touched by my husband
Thanks. I can't wait.
Chill out.
You're beautiful.
Okay. You're being nice,
and it's scaring me. Stop.
What do you need?
Well, our lovely bride decided
she didn't want
to wear her dress.
I'm sorry.
I was just in my brain,
and I was just
really hurting you.
What did you just say?
If I am still working in retail
by the time I'm 40,
I will kill myself.
I know you guys think I'm
joking, but I'm not.
I will take a shotgun,
and I will blow...
Woman... chillax.
my... head off.
Seriously, you guys.
All right.
Fun, fun, fun.
This is all I have,
and it's still a
size too small.
Is this pretty?
Or is it ugly?
It's gorgeous.
It's the dress you wanted
to get married in, ever since
you were a little girl
I mean, it would look
so much better on you,
but it's gorgeous!
Everyone wants this cut.
I mean, not in this size,
But this is so popular.
Everybody wants it.
Okay, we want it. Yeah.
WrapNo. up!
Wrap it up. Hang it up.
Over my dead body.
What the fuck?
Come on, that was our solution!
This is the problem... Becky
can't wear that dress!
Becky can't wear that dress.
What? Okay, listen to me.
This is clearly like some girl
shit that I don't understand,
so may I just be very,
very diplomatic
and say let it fucking go?
I'm not gonna
watch Becky Archer
walk down the aisle
in my dream dress.
I'd rather lick this sidewalk.
Lick the sidewalk,
then, please.
I'm gonna lick it, too.
Don't be ridiculous.
You don't lick the sidewalk.
You lick the sidewalk,
I'll let it go.
A little lick.
Like a cat lick.
Like a cat lick.
Be encouraging.
I'm mentally preparing myself.
Just do it fast, please.
Like you're ripping
off a Band-Aid
Like anal sex.
Becky can't wear that dress.
A-a biased cut would
look awful on her.
It utilizes the
stretch of the fabric
in a diagonal direction,
accentuating body lines.
It would fit her like a silk
stuffed sausage casing.
Rain man?
How did you know all
that stuff, just now?
I spent a semester at F.I.T.
- Katie? Katie?
- Yes?
Do you know how to sew things?
Of course I know how to sew.
Oh. Okay.
Are you ready to Betsy Ross
- the shit out of this dress?
- Yes.
This tastes like gasoline.
'Cause you love
the smell of gasoline.
It's perfect.
We should get some magic
markers while we're here!
Oh, wait.
I know a guy who can
get us marijuana.
You should throw
that guy a bone.
Who, Ted?
I bet he's super good in bed.
Why would you say that?
Have you ever fucked a guy
who like never got
laid in high school?
But how would I know that?
Oh, 'cause they're just
really good at it.
They're really good at sex,
'cause they had to wait
for it for so long.
It's like a total
Krakow situation.
Brian Krakow, from
My So Called Life.
Come on.
Okay, listen to me.
There are two different
types of guys in bed.
Number one, Brian Krakow.
Didn't have sex 'til
college, super grateful.
Literally makes
a home down here,
sets up shop, wants
to live in it.
Number two, Jordan Catalano.
Won't go near the area.
Terrified of it.
Very good looking, but you
know, not worth the time.
If you ask me-...
What are you doing?
Why do you have the baby
out of the garbage bag?
I'm matching the thread
color to the dress.
Uh, it's a wedding dress.
I think maybe it's white.
Oh,'s ivory.
Actually, it's pearl.
Okay. You know what?
Knowing stuff like that does
not make you guys cool.
It makes you... Amazing?
God blessed me
with perfect tits.
It's only right that
people should know that.
I was gonna say
makes you stupid.
This Trevor guy
keeps texting me.
He wants us to go to
that strip club.
Oh! Guys, we have to
go to a strip club.
Guys, it's like 2 a.m.
She wakes up in five hours.
Okay. How fast can you sew?
It'll be faster if I
had a sewing machine.
Oh, my god.
You know who could
get us a sewing machine?
No. More like looks like Krakow
and treats you like Catalano.
#free your ming and
the rest will follow...#
I'm the President
of the United States.
Totally kidding.
You want a dance, handsome?
Oh, I'm-I'm good. Err, uh,
I mean, I'm not- help...
what are the parameters
gonna be, for such a dance?
Jesus Christ almighty.
He said you're not his type.
Okay, I'm talking
to the retard here.
Here's twenty dollars.
Leave us alone.
Look, it's just like
taking a woman on a date.
You just have to make her
feel terrible about herself.
Same goes for strippers.
I am so sorry
that he's referring to you
in-in such a manner.
Does it look like
it bothers her?
She's doesn't give a shit.
Here you go.
That was unique and special.
Thank you very much.
That was terrible.
Oh, shit!
I got a text from Hannibal.
Looks like some
sluts are on their way.
Becky's friends are coming here?
Wait, is Katie with them?
I'm out of here.
Keep the limo I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Dale, come on.
I got a table booked downtown.
What are you doing? We've got bottles
Where are you going?
I've got wedding
photos in the morning.
That is a dick move.
This is like a classy place.
I've got a wedding tomorrow!
This is like the
Harvard of strip clubs.
Hey, Joe. I'm gonna
make sure Lector
brings your drunk
prom queen for you,
'cause I'm gonna
make it my mission
to get you in that tonight.
That's awesome, but I-I-I...
can we stop referring
to her as a "that"?
All right. You in, Clyde?
No, I got something
else going on here.
No, no, no. No females
without a male escort.
That's really sexist,
and homophobic,
because you don't...
you don't know us.
We could be lesbians.
These are my girlfriends.
What the fuck?
All right. Down the street.
Did you...
just call us prostitutes?
Did you just call
us prostitutes?
Down the street.
Listen, I got a
scholarship to Princeton.
Hey, Dale! Dale, Dale,Dale!
Can you get us in?
I didn't know you
guys were coming down.
Place is kind of gross.
It's okay. They're with me.
Hey, you don't have
to pay for it.
What is this, misogyny night... Scores?
We can vote.
I have never voted.
Have fun in there.
You guys'll fit right in.
Guys... It's in this one!
It's not even in a
white bag, Katie!
I got it. I got it. I got it.
We got it. Done.
What are you doing?
What are you fucking doing?
Don't drop it in the garbage.
I'm stepping on it.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Okay! I found it...
#Rock n Roll Hoochie Co...#
This must be what it feels
like to go to the Oscars.
Ew... it's like Iran in here.
Okay, so I'm gonna
go find the bathroom,
and I'm gonna clean
off the dress.
Okay, we'll find Clyde.
She's not a stripper, right?
She's on a pole.
Let's rock the red carpet.
Listen, if I'm not
out in five minutes,
you should probably
claim the body.
I'm serious.
Hey, can I have some money?
We're waiting
for Gena and Clyde,
and then we're leaving
Pull this dress up,
you don't work here!
Can I have some money, please?
Yeah, definitely.
Thank you.
They're just all
such beautiful dancers,
I can't pick who
to give money to.
That's so sweet.
I always ask them
their stories, too.
'Cause you never know
like where they... Oh.
She's gonna be so happy.
Her son's gonna
have the gift of sight!
Why don't you ask her
to smoke pot with you?
Why is that
actually a good idea?
Is that cool to do?
Please. I need a
break from "that".
We're not calling her "that".
We're trying
not to call her "that".
I called her "that" earlier.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Your security guy's- the security's...
Thank you.
That was amazing, but
I'm a little bored now.
Hey, is there
anything you can do
to help Joe score with Katie?
I'm a completely
powerless figurehead.
I'm like Truman at Geneva.
You mean Truman at Potsdam?
I think I know what
I'm talking about.
Truman inherited the presidency
because Roosevelt died.
Poor fuck got sworn in,
flown to Potsdam to deal
with Stalin and Churchill,
figure out what the fuck to do
with post-war Germany
and all of Europe.
Geneva conference is
completely different thing.
So I think you meant
Truman at Potsdam.
Oh. I switched it, 'cause
I'm a little drunk.
It wouldn't have
made sense anyway,
because Truman had the trump
card, he had the Bomb.
So really, he was in
control the whole time.
Oh, do you believe in magic?
Yes, I do. That's... abso- yes.
Do you believe in
a magic vagina?
A magic vagina?
It would bewitch
you with its magic.
I've been bewitched
by vaginas before.
It's scary, actually.
I think I might be stupid.
Why would you say
that about yourself?
I don't understand anything
anyone is talking about,
most of the time.
That has nothing
to do with intelligence.
It's like this...
there's lots of different
kinds of smart,
you know, and you just
have to discover
which smart you are.
See, I-I don't understand
what you just said.
That's okay, neither do I.
Be honest, would you
marry a stripper?
Um... Shh... shh...
shh... shh...
There's no touching allowed.
Did you know that?
I... did- hadn't really...
We're not allowed to touch.
Okay. Well, I'm not...
I mean, my hands
are down. I'm not...
Mm-mm... But if you
wanted to, you could.
I'm confused. It's not
allowed, but I can?
If you wanted to
touch me, you could.
I'm gonna give it a shot. Okay.
Just... all right.
Mm-hmm. That's $200.
That's $200?
That's $200?
Okay. Well, I-I mean, I
feel like that's a...
that's a-a pretty good...
Oh, Genny.
These guys suck.
Hand full of splooge.
Been there.
Is it your first night?
No... but pretty rad
that you think I'm
hot enough to work here.
You okay?
No. Because...
my stupid ex-boyfriend's
in the back right now,
getting humped by some skank.
No offense.
We are skanks.
It's so dumb.
Like honestly,
I don't even know why I'm
freaking out about it.
I should be fixing the dress,
not obsessing over him,
Look, the only reason why Romeo
is back there is because
he knows he's not
getting laid tonight.
It's true.
Yeah. I mean, if he thought
he had a chance with you,
he would be all over your ass,
like a fat kid eating cake.
Yeah. Men are all
sorts of fucked.
They feel insecure
for one second
and they need
to go feel powerful
for a couple of hours.
Women feel shitty
about themselves
and they just go
cry in the bathroom.
Or they stab each
other in the back.
Yeah, I guess
there's that, too.
Oh, that's good.
I should like,
do this more often,
come to these
bathrooms, you know.
So much cheaper than going
to a fucking therapist.
All right!
That's great. Thank you.
Whoa, we're still having...
What is that?
I need to talk
to her for a second.
Where's Katie?
I don't know. This place
is like a fucking maze.
Okay. Well, we gotta
get out of here
if we're ever gonna...
We need to find Clyde...
No to get the sewing machine.
No, it's a change of plans.
Do you think they'd
let me work here,
if I take my clothes off?
Oh, my god. You
let her smoke pot?
I can't control her.
You can't control her.
That's hilarious.
Why are you talking about
me like I'm not here?
I'm calling Becky,
and I'm telling her
about the dress,
'cause I can't
handle this anymore.
Hah! So you can be
the big fucking hero?
No! I'm the only
one doing anything!
You don't handle shit!
I handle shit.
...and I handle shit...
What's the plan, Gena?
It doesn't matter!
I'm just telling her
about the fucking dress.
What happens when all the
fucking responsibility
comes down on you?
You're gonna call me...
Yeah, you are.
You're gonna call me, and
I'll fucking handle it
Just like I handled
your abortion,
because I had to
fucking drive you.
You guys had an
abortion without me?
I'm sorry.
Gena, stop.
What is that shit?
I-I didn't even get to come?
Clyde, I need you to help me.
Clyde! Come on.
No, he can't leave.
He owes me $200.
See this?
It's worth a lot
of money, okay?
So don't blow it
all in one place.
See you later.
Wait, Gena!
Fuck you!
You're a bad-ass.
Wait! No, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
We're not getting on
the floor tonight. Nope.
We're going... Do I
still look okay?
We're going home now, okay?
She really goes
from 60 to zero.
No, you're not going home.
You said you needed a break.
That was before.
You're not going home.
Joe, take Katie home.
Whoa. Who is Joe?
He's right behind you.
I'm Joe.
Here's what's happening.
You're staying with
me, call your friend,
as soon as she picks up
I'll take you right to her.
The most efficient
way of handling it.
Wait, wait, wait. Um... Sorry.
Think I'm gonna be sick...
No, I'm good. I'm good.
She's good!
I'm good.
Aw... Young love.
All right. Okay.
You wanna throw up?
Here, let me take
you to throw up.
Uh-uh, I'm good.
No, come on. Let's go.
Joe, come here.
What the fuck is
wrong with you, man?
I'm trying to get
you alone with her.
She's GTG, man.
What's GTG again?
Good to go!
She's good to go!
Take her home and slip it in.
I'm not gonna slip it in.
She is wasted,
that'd be like rape.
Slipping it in to a girl
that's about to pass out...?
I'm telling you, take these.
That'll help.
What are these? Are these...
dude, are these
date rape drugs?
They're fucking Xanax,
dude, for you.
You're fucking paranoid.
You smoked too much.
Would you relax?
What am I doing?
All right.
I like to see you man up.
Now, do you want Regan,
or do you want Katie?
You can take her.
Katie's hotter.
Yeah. Good call.
Look, she's throwing
up right now,
that's not so hot.
What is wrong with you?
I don't know.
Thank you, Joe.
All good?
All right. Yeah. Yeah.
so Joe's going with Katie...
You're going with Joe.
Great. Yeah.
We're GTG, we're good to go.
Okay. Perfect
Yeah, GTG what?
Why you stealin' my shit?
I didn't hear you say that.
That's my line.
This is the best night
of my life, you guys!
How can you not
have a Metro card?
Uh, because I live
in Los Angeles?
Yeah, but you've been
here for like a day.
Thank you, Gena, for
helping me get out of
that sticky situation
with that wasted stripper
that I could not pay for.
Oh, you're so welcome, Clyde.
Are you kidding?
I could have paid
for the stripper,
if you hadn't taken my wallet.
How long are you gonna
pretend to be mad at me, Gena?
It's starting to
hurt my feelings.
Listen to me.
I've got like mere hours
to get this dress
fixed and cleaned,
and make sure nothing
else happens to it,
so I am so sorry, Clyde,
that your feelings are
not at the top of my list
of things to give a shit about.
Wow, so you're
actually mad at me.
That's interesting.
You know what You got
pregnant a long time
- years ago.
And I felt bad
about it ever since.
And you know,
there's this thing,
it's called life, and we
have to get on with it.
We got pregnant.
I took care of it.
You made mix tapes about it.
I-I was 18.
I was 15.
You were 16, and
we were in love.
Remember Fast Times?
Fast Times?
You remember that movie?
Do you remember
who the bad guy was?
It was Damone.
The asshole didn't show
up for the appointment.
That's you, mother fucker.
I am not I am not Damone!
I'm not Damone!
I can't believe you cannot
see that you are Damone.
Don't call me... dude, don't
call me fucking Damone...
What do you want me
to do about it now?
I just want you to
help me fix the dress.
I don't want to
have this conversation.
I just want to fix the dress.
And chemo when you're 12 sucks.
Yeah, it's gotta suck.
I mean, 12 sucks in general,
especially when you're a
girl That's when it happens.
When what, when what happens?
You start hating yourself.
Ah, I can't believe
Gena isn't texting me back!
Hey, you know what?
I got an idea.
Why don't you just relax?
Put the phone away.
Doesn't sound like your
friend needs you, anyway.
No, this was a mistake.
I gotta go.
You're not going.
Stay. Come on.
I want to hear about this.
Why do you start to hate yourself?
'Cause, I, I don't know.
Uh, you wouldn't understand
Well, I think,
I think you're unhappy
and you have no reason to be,
and that's what makes
you hate yourself.
Let me guess, psych major.
Psych major with a
lucrative advertising job.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
Belittle me.
Is that what you
do to your boyfriend?
Does that work for him?
Not really.
I shouldn't have brought it up.
Yeah, but you did.
So probably I would tell
you that you're beautiful
and what you're doing with
retarded kids is amazing.
They have cancer.
I like to compliment a woman
because she deserves it,
not because
she needs attention.
I don't need attention.
Ooh, got off some steam there.
You're mad.
I'm not mad.
Are you kidding me?
You're fucking livid.
Oh, don't do that.
Just want to give
you what you want.
What do I want?
You want somebody to
put you in your place.
Where's that?
Where do you want it?
Ah! Harder!
Uh, harder!
Shut the Fuck Up
Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, you shut the fuck up.
Yeah, shut the fuck up cunt.
Shit! Shit, shit.
Fuck. Shit, shit.
Hey, this is Becks.
Can you come to my room?
Oh yeah.
I'm not doing anything.
We need to talk.
Yeah, I'll be
there in a minute.
Uh, give me a couple minutes.
Don't cum on my dress.
I can't believe
we're doing this.
I can't believe I
gave all my coke
to your filthy stripper.
Do me a favor and
don't mention that
in your recap of the evening.
Aw, that's my
favorite part, though.
Hey, Mom.
I thought you
were at a wedding.
You remember...?
I don't think you've eaten
since the last time I saw you.
We need your help.
Oh my Lord.
It's a really long story
without much of a payoff, so...
I've seen worse.
When do you need it?
Three hours.
It's a miracle you need, not me.
Sheila, you made every
one of the costumes
for all the schools plays
and you made my prom
dress from scratch!
You can do it.
Clyde, make us some
coffee and food.
I'll get you some pants.
Why are doors so heavy
in this place? Uh-oh.
I don't think
this is your room.
No, no.
This is definitely my room.
But somebody has moved
the furniture around.
They put a pool right in
the middle of my room.
This is fucking fantastic!
Wait, are you coming?
Yeah. I am.
It's beautiful!
You okay?
It's beautiful.
Moments like these, I think to myself,
my parents have no idea
where I am right now.
I'm so awake now.
Watch me do a handstand!
Be careful, it's
three feet deep.
You're seriously making
pancakes right now?
I am.
Yours has a sad face made
out of chocolate chips,
because the world is an asshole
and it's gonna get you.
Why are you on your phone
at 4.30 in the a.m.?
Don't worry about it, you know?
And... I am totally tagging
you in that photo.
You totally stalk me
online, don't you?
Who are you calling?
Who are you calling?
You're so nosy.
I'm calling my friend's dealer,
okay, so I can get some
cocaine for tonight, so
I can make it through.
Give me my phone back.
Give it back to me.
Give it to me.
What are you doing?
Why did you do that?!
Oh my God!
I can't believe that
you just did that!
Believe it.
Why did you do that?
It's not cute anymore, Gen.
What's up?
I think we need to talk.
I wanted to... Look, Beck...
What? What?
I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Oh, no. You go first.
I called you 'cause
I feel really bad
about what happened earlier.
I overreacted.
Emotions were
running really high.
You've been a trooper.
And I know that this
Maid of Honor stuff
must have been,like,
really hard for you.
Yeah, but I'm really
happy for you.
I shouldn't have
blown up like that.
I mean, I wanted
to see the stripper
go the full thing.
It would've been great to
see one more dick before,
before I see Dale's for the
rest of my life, but...
you've just done so much work
for this wedding, just
put your own shit
aside in order
to do everything.
thank you.
I have to pee.
Oh, '94 talent show.
Your leotards are phenomenal.
I won that shit
every single year,
Yeah, but '94 was special.
That was the year
you got a bra.
Which you stole.
I could find it if
I looked for it.
Please do not do that.
You know what was
great about us?
We were friends.
Everyone else, they
had so much ...drama.
But we were like...
We were friends.
What happened?
I mean, I kinda needed you
to drive me that day.
I needed you to go with me
and you didn't show up.
I couldn't.
Why couldn't you?
I was too sad.
This is awesome.
Did I puke on you?
No. Well, yeah.
Not directly.
You puked on Regan, though.
Okay, once, I was so stoned,
I thought I was in an episode
of 90210
and I kept yelling, "Dylan!"
That's fucking awesome.
I got so fucked up
once off 'shrooms
that I started a
fight club with my cats.
Okay, okay.
I once got so wrecked
that I woke up naked
next to a hamburger
and I was like,
did I just have
sex with a hamburger?
Good for that hamburger.
Okay, once I slit my wrist
with a broken bottle.
Holy shit.
When did that happen?
Like a year ago.
I sh-shouldn't
have told you that.
No, no.
You can say stuff like that.
No, no, I, it was an accident.
I, really, I party too hard.
You don't have to
explain anything to me.
I'm sorry, that, I, I
shouldn't have done that.
So, Genny, I think it's time
we have a serious conversation.
You look different.
I got you to smile.
How many things
do you need to show
me in your closet?
This is getting
a little strange.
Oh, wait a second.
Oh my God.
What is that?
You are going to find out.
Oh my God.
#When I wake up#
#well I know I'm gonna be#
#I'm going be the man who
wakes up next to you#
#when I go out,
Yeah I know I'm gonna be#
#I'm gonn be the man
who goes along with you#
#If I get drunk,
well I know I'm gonna be#
#I'm gonna be the man who
get's drunk next to you#
Can you turn this off
#And if I haver,
hey I know I'm gonna be#
#But I would walk 500 miles#
Don't call me that Genny
Nobody calls me that anymore, okay?
#I'm gonna be the man
who's working hard for you#
#And when the money comes
in for the work I do#
#I'll pass almost
every penny on to you#
#When I come home,
Oh I know I'm gonna be#
#I'm gonna be the man
who come back home to you#
#And if I grow old,
well I know I'm gonna be#
#I'm gonna be the man
who's growing old with you#
#But I would walk 500 miles#
#And I would walk 500 more#
#Just to be the man
who walks a thousand miles#
#To fall down at your door#
#Da d-da da, da d-da,
da d-da, da d-da#
#Da-da-da dun-diddle
un-diddle un-diddle a dada#
#Da d-da da, da d-da,
da d-da, da d-da#
#Da-da-da dun-diddle
un-diddle un-diddle a dada#
You know what?
I'm so sorry.
Um, w-what if
we did this another night?
Well, why?
I just, my dick is really
cold right now and ...
Come on.
I'm giving you what you want,
so let's just get it over with.
No, I... Katie, please.
I just, I can't. I...
But why not?
You're drunk and that's fine.
You've been drunk all night
and I don't want y- I'm drunk,
there's drunk going on,
and it just doesn't,
I don't like the way it's happened.
I'm so stupid.
No, no, no.
I like you s-Katie,
I like you so much.
Then why don't you
want to have sex?
Why don't you come
back with me?
'Cause I like you.
That's what I'm telling you.
It does-this, this is,
this, hopefully, will...
it just doesn't... I
don't like the way it's
happened right now. It's not...
But I'm just telling
you that I don't care.
Katie, that's fine.
I, I do, though.
It's just, it's not fair to me.
I don't know what you're
talking about right now.
Do you even care that it's me?
I mean, do you even know... Fuck
Do you even know my name?
But wait, I do,
Starts with a 'b'?
You know what this is like?
It's really just
like high school,
but instead of French
homework, it's my dick.
Well that's not true because
French was actually hard.
[Hey, you've reached Gena.
Oh my God, Gena.
I'm freaking out.
I'm with Becky right now.
I don't know what to do!
I-I-I can't do this anymore.
Call me back.
What are you doing?
I thought you'd stopped.
I haven't done
this in years, okay?
I'm just stressed
out and I needed,
I needed something for myself.
And I needed to
feel better, okay?
Remember when we'd
skip AP English class
and hang out in the bathroom?
We'd like bitch
out those smokers
so that we could have
the really cool stall
at the end.
The disabled toilet.
Then we'd just
like talk and talk
for like 90 minutes
the entire period.
I really miss that.
Just that.
Like all day, I'd seriously
look forward to it.
Then the Vice
Principal found us.
And she said she was
gonna tell your parents
that you were
throwing up on purpose.
And I said, "No, it was me.
I was, like, doing it.
I, it was totally my problem.
And then everyone found out
and they were like "Eh, Becky.
She can't even
throw up properly.
She's so fat.
Take a laxative!"
And then I was crying.
And what did you say?
I said, "Fuck everyone."
You don't know how many times
I've said that to myself And
that makes me feel
a whole lot better.
I need to tell you something.
I did something terrible.
Oh, what is it?
What's going on?
Is everything all right?
Well, hair and makeup is
gonna be in your
room in an hour.
So we need to get going, okay?
Holy shit.
It's time.
It's time.
Oh, it's time... It's time.
Fuck my life.
You still do that.
Oh, dress!
She's coming!
Look alive, people.
Oh, do you have a second?
I'm on the phone.
Okay, but... the wedding dress?
We can't find... Assholes.
Jesus Christ, perv!
What are you doing in here?
I was j-it's Katie.
Oh, what now?
Sh-I'm a little worried.
I came back here to...
she's locked herself
in the bathroom.
I don't know what to do.
Oh, great!
And I wasn't spying on you.
They let me in 'cause I
was looking for Katie.
Can someone get a Mimosa
ready for the bride?
Time check?
Good, great.
It's probably fine,
but it is just... she hasn't
been responding, and...
You can't lock yourself
in the bathroom
when it isn't your wedding.
Open this door.
What do you
You're a genius.
Didn't you invent
iPads or something?
Why does everyone
think I invented the iPad?
Keep trying this number
until you get Gena.
Why is your face like that?
Here she is! Yay!
I'm so excited, I
could kill myself.
Oh, don't make any promises.
You said that you would
clean it if I fixed it.
I fixed it!
She's still not answering?
What is that?
I was just about to go check.
How 'bout some music?
Well, what's going on in there?
Maybe I should
call the front desk.
Should I go in, do you think?
No, she's got it under control.
Knock it off!
We need to call a locksmith.
No, she's being a fucking baby.
I'm not gonna draw any
more attention to her.
But knocking down the door?
That's real fucking discreet.
Oh, fuck me.
One second, Becks.
If that bitch finds
out that that bitch
is pulling some seventh
grade tantrum bullshit,
we're dead.
And I've lost
the wedding dress.
No, I didn't.
What is it?
It's for you.
I don't want any.
It's Gena.
Move, move, move, move!
Where the fuck are you?
Where the hell is it?
Why aren't you
picking up your cell?
I'm downstairs, it's
being dry-cleaned,
and I threw it out a window.
Dry-cleaned? How long?
They said 40 minutes.
Fine. Get a new phone.
Okay. What? How?
Steal one.
Um, Regan.
This isn't what I ordered.
This isn't what she ordered!
I said peonies.
What the fuck is
wrong with you?
What is that?
They're doing maintenance
in the bathroom.
This hotel's disgusting.
Honey, I think those
roses are gorgeous.
But it's just not... what
we planned, you know?
Fuck this. You get peonies.
Centerpieces for the reception,
take some peonies from there,
new bouquet up here,
I love you.
Are you excited?
Oh my God, yes!
Ask them...
Go make yourself useful.
Go pick some peonies!
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Oh my...oooh, shit!
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Katie, you stupid
fucking idiot.
Come in, shut the fuck...
oh my God.
Just fucking go!
She's on the floor.
Well, wrap her up!
Come on!
What did you do to her?
We, I mean, we were
i-in the pool area ...
Wrap her up! Wrap her up!
I'm gonna get some water,
we're gonna sing
her her favorite song!
Well, shouldn't we,
like, get an ambulance?
No. She does this
every weekend.
Why is she in the bathtub?
Well, isn't that what you do?
No. Just pour the water
on her and sing the song.
Like this.
What song?
#These dreams are...
#when I close my eyes.
Every second of the night,
I live another life.
Hurry the weddings in an hour.
I, I really, I, I
need the dress.
They're working on it.
I am going home.
What's your name?
I know that you hate
me from yesterday.
I hate fucking hate
me too from yesterday.
Can we start fresh today?
New leaf, please?
Yeah, all right.
You'll stay?
I really have strong
feelings for you right now.
Take it easy.
#The further I'm
away, #further I'm away.
#There's something out there...
Why aren't you waking up?
It is very
surprising at this point
'cause your lips are
literally fucking blue, now.
Okay, now I'm getting
really scared.
Come on.
Let's laugh about this.
When you passed out?
Come on.
It's not fucked up anymore!
It's a miracle!
It's finally happening.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't cry.
we need the other bridesmaids.
Where are the other two girls?
Uh, Gena and Katie
are on their way.
Okay, and why don't we
get the bride in her
dress so we can...
Yeah, okay, yeah, that's
what I was gonna do.
I need to get my dress on.
I need to get my dress on.
Yes, very- I don't know.
She was definitely breathing.
Why aren't you singing?
I'm on the phone
with the paramedics.
She's always like this.
What is this?
It's Xanax.
Trevor gave them to me.
They must have
fallen out of my pocket.
Yes. Five-five minutes.
They're gonna be
here in five minutes.
It's Manhattan on Saturday.
Five minutes is like
Get her out of the tub.
Just a minute!
Um, we're just missing
Katie and Gena.
I guess we found Katie.
Why are you here?
Becky's asking for her dress.
Do you, like, know where it is?
With Gena.
Both will be here momentarily
But the itinerary said that
we were supposed to...
Reviving a fucked-up bitch
wasn't on the itinerary
either Cover for me.
Give her to me.
All right, Katie.
Come on.
What are you do...
you're hurting her!
I'm helping her.
she can take it.
There it is. Good job!
Get it all out.
Good job. Good job.
Good job.
Why would you ever
do that to yourself?
I wanted to be beautiful.
Thank you! Thank you!
Where is Regan?
Let me fucking go.
Oh, she's here.
Regan, what's going on?
I just...
What is on your dress?
Oh, I...sorry.
Well, where is her dress?
Uh, it's being steamed.
I-I can't leave here
without my dress.
I don't believe this!
Let's just...
I don't know what's going on
with the steaming or whatever,
but I don't care.
I want the dress right here,
on my daughter immediately.
She can't wear the dress
in the car, Victoria Silk?
Plus sitting in traffic?
What does that equal?
Sweat wrinkles.
Exactly, thank you Oh my God.
You think of everything.
That's why she's Maid of Honor.
Let's go.
Don't close your eyes.
Just talk to me now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to her?
I'm taking her to the hospital.
Somebody vomited
in the bathtub.
She kinda o'd'ed on Xanaxes.
You fucking...!
They weren't mine!
Whose? Whose?
What do you want?
Wait. You actually...
Car Five, are we ready? Good!
You can't just barge in here like that.
Holy shit!
What the fuck are you doing?
Why the fuck did you do that?
Ah! Come here.
You motherfucker!
It's me! It's me, it's me.
Where are you?
We're getting into the car.
Okay, I'm on my way.
All right. Meet me there, ese.
Oh, God.
Okay, let's get to the wedding.
How is she?
They're saying she's fine.
You okay? You okay?
Okay, I'll go, I'll go
with you to the hospital.
No, she wants us to
go to the wedding!
She keeps saying
go to the wedding.
They don't even have
to pump her stomach.
They're just checking
her as a precaution.
Regan saved her life.
That woman is fucked
in the head, but...
She's a good friend.
Yeah, I know.
I'll see you at the wedding!
Hey, Gena.
I need to talk to you.
No. No. Clyde.
Get in the cab!
Isn't that dress supposed to
be on the bride right now?
Yes! Get in the car!
Sir! S... I will suck your dick
if you get us
there in two minutes.
Look, I... I think we might
be meant for each other.
And I'm not kidding
Scratch that.
This guy will suck your dick.
Look, and it's not just
because we have like,
the greatest sex I...whoa!
See, I, your body
looks so great.
Shut up.
I love your body so much.
Oh my God, you cannot
just fuck things
into being better.
Then tell me what I should do.
I'm getting married.
I'm getting married
in my pajamas.
Honey, you've just
got to calm down.
I don't think she's
got the dress.
Honey, just don't
pay any mind to it.
It's all fucked up.
I'm gonna walk in
wearing my pajamas
like I'm fucking
Michael Jackson.
It's like I've been
at a fucking concert
for the past decade.
A concert?
Yeah, it's a, it's a metaphor.
Okay? It's like I've been
at a concert... Okay.
And I'm swaying back and forth
and somebody
passes me something,
and I drink it or smoke it...
Smoke it? know, it doesn't matter!
Shut up!
I hate you!
And I hate you!
I hope you fucking die!
It's gonna be waiting
for us there, right?
I'm right about that,
aren't I, Regan,
so quiet in the back.
Come on, Gena, you can do this.
Take a left here.
In the past 24 hours,
I've realized that I don't
even like the concert.
I don't like the music.
I don't like the band.
None of it.
I-I... And like, maybe,
if I had just picked
a different fucking band,
maybe I woulda had a better
time at the concert.
I really think I'm
in love with you.
Oh my God, if you
take Park Avenue,
I will fucking end
you I will end you!
Of all the things you've done
in the entire time
we've known each other,
this is the worst.
You fucking blonde cunt!
This is shit!
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
I saved the day!
I saved the day!
Okay, okay.
Let's do this!
Okay. Okay.
All right,
let's get this shit on.
Now, put your arms up!
Got it?
let me get the veil,
so it doesn't...
We got the dress!
Yeah! Yeah! Heck yeah!
What happened to it?
What happened there?
Tell me. Tell me!
It's just,
there's a little rip.
The stitching.
'Cause it ripped a little bit.
And that's just like a tin...
like a little blood
and, and semen.
I don't know if it's semen.
It might be semen.
you ruined it!
Shh. It's okay.
No, you don't see it. I swear.
Oh fuck.
I can't do this.
Rebecca Archer!
You're going to walk down that
aisle and you are going to
marry the man down there.
Everyone thinks I'm
too fat for him.
Fuck everyone!
Fuck everyone!
Yeah! Fuck everyone!
I like ice cream!
Fuck everyone!
Okay. Flowers.
You're beautiful.
Give me a hug.
Wait, uh, you go-going?
No. I have vomit on me.
Okay. Right. Okay.
I would like to close this
ceremony with a blessing.
But it is as timeless and
enduring as love itself.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will
be warm to the other.
Now you will feel no loneliness,
for each of you will be
a companion... Wait.
Are you crying?
Come on.
You haven't cried since Thomas J.
Died in My Girl.
It's a perfect wedding.
Are we gonna be okay, you guys?
Let's toast to something, okay?
All right.
What should we drink to?
To the EMT crew.
To never doing any
of that ever again.
Oh, fuck it, let's
just get a drink.
How, how are you
feeling...I mean,
you drank quite a bit.
I really like you a lot.
Well, I like you too.
But I don't know what to do
when I'm around
somebody I like,
except for sleep with
them or get really drunk.
I-I mean, you can
just be nice to them.
I'll be nice to you,
you be nice to me.
that's what people do, yeah.
Thank you for letting
me copy your homework.
You're welcome.
Thank you for,
for not dying today.
It's kinda blowing my mind.
I feel like, like for
the last decade,
I've been at like, at a concert.
Right? Just kinda...
Oh please take your
self- actualization
somewhere else.
I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Is this working?
Uh, testing, testing, testing.
Sibilance, sibilance.
Tom Hanks,SNL.
Um, uh, Becky and Dale.
Such a beautiful wedding.
Yeah. A gorgeous wedding.
I think we all felt
like stars tonight
in the sky of your love Yeah!
So, Dale, you said something
to me last night.
You said that when you
find the right girl...
Did you go out last night?
When you, when
you got it uh, good,
you don't do anything
to screw it up.
But for some people, um,
and I'm one of them,
I think you have to screw it up
uh, before you realize
that you've got it good.
I-I I'm just excited
because Gena and I,
we had sex last night.
What the fuck?
We did, but like
who cares, right?
I-I can say that.
Can I say that?
But the thing is, is when
we're having sex, it's fine,
I put my penis uh, into um,
Gena's vagina... Please.
And then I took it out.
And then I, I put it in again.
And then I took it out.
And then it just kinda went
on like that for a while.
And I, what I realized
was I wanted to
just keep doing that
for the rest of my life.
That's kinda where
I am at right now.
Uh, but that's not the only
reason I'm up here.
I'm also um, here to,
When I wake up,
well you know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who
wakes up next to you.
Stop it! Stop it!
When I get out, well
you know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who...
yeah, really? Okay.
No, I can't sing.
But you understand what
I was trying to do?
Yeah? All right.
Well, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna pass it off...
#When I wake up, well
I know I'm gonna be...#
#I'm gonna be the man
who wakes up next to you.#
#When I go out, well,
I know I'm gonna be,#
#I'm gonna be the man
who goes along with you.#
#If I get drunk, well,
I know I'm gonna be,#
#I'm gonna be the man who
gets drunk next to you.#
#And if I haver, yeah,
I know I'm gonna be,#
#I'm gonna be the man
who's havering to you.#
Call me.
Come to the bathroom.
Oh, fuck off!
#I would walk 500 Miles#
#and I would walk 500 more#
#just to be the man who
walked a 1000 miles#
#to fall down at your door#
(it"s a CRAZY SRBIN production)