- That's a little scary.
- Stop trying to wear me out.
l think--You know, you have a real hang-up
with the term ''stalker.''
No, l just fail to see how you showing up
at my museum every day...
for, like, two weeks
makes me the stalker...
when clearly it makes you
the stalker.
The most important thing to remember here--
Hand, please.
These past two months...
have really, truly been
the happiest two months...
- of your life.
- [ Laughs ]
- l love you.
- Love you too.
- There you go.
W-Wait. Excuse me.
[ Singsongy ] Son of a bitch.
l keep telling this guy no olives...
and he keeps bringing me olives,
and that's a problem because--
- You hate olives.
- l hate olives! l hate olives.
Don't move. l'm on it.
There. Crisis averted.
You know, usually l would be
completely disgusted...
with someone sticking their fingers
into my drink, but with you, not so much.
ln fact, it, uh-- Mmm.
lt adds a certain Melinda ''zestiness'' to it.
Well, we make a good team.
Yes, we do.
Well, l am going to go powder my nose.
[ Clears Throat ]
Oh. Do me a favor--
lf the waiter comes back...
would you make sure
there are no olives in my cake?
l like that.
Spence! Spence.
All right, man, it's time.
- Time for what?
- lt's time for me to get engaged.
You were gonna put this
in her sundae, remember?
- [ Whistles ]
- Oh, yeah. Right. Nice rock.
Oh. Thanks.
[ Groaning ]
Oh, boy.
Oh. Sorry. lt was packed.
- l just had to fight for a mirror.
- [ Laughs ]
Here we are.
A sundae for the gentleman.
And chocolate cake for the lady.
Actually, l think that she had
the sundae and l had the cake.
Oh, okay, yeah. Got it.
Mmm.
So, Mel...
l'm glad you stalked me...
'cause, um...
l never met anyone
like you before...
and l, uh-- l know that...
we've only been dating
a little while, but...
l just feel like
l have known you my--
my-my whole-- my whole life.
Are you chewing that?
[ Woman ]
Oh, my God! PraiseJesus!
PraiseJesus! Oh, Calvin!
I knew you'd do it.
Excuse me one second.Just wanna take that--
[ Chuckles ]
Just a little quick
search for something.
All right. Be right back.
- [ Woman ] I'm calling Mama.
- Hi. Hi.
- l'm sorry. l think there's been a mistake.
- Mama!
l'm getting married, Mama.
Ma'am? Ma'am? Pardon me. Pardon me.
That's my ring.
Hang on, Mama.
May l help you?
Yes.
l'm so sorry,
but l think the waiter...
mistakenly brought you
the wrong sundae.
You see, that-that's
my grandmother's ring.
l think you better go sit over there
before my fianc here...
''whups'' your ass.
Okay, how about
l buy both of your dinners?
Good? Yes. Except l'm gonna
need that back though, so--
- Ow!
- Okay, baby, ''whup'' his ass!
- Uh, baby, the thing is--
- The thing is...
I haven't waited 1 7 years
on your sorry ass...
to let this white shadow
come and spoil my engagement.
lt's either you whup his ass,
Calvin...
or l'll whup yours.
Yeah.
You need to go now.
- Right.
- [ Woman ] Mama? Yes!
Um, how about--
It's beautiful.
Thief! Help!
[ Shouting ]
- [ Groaning ]
- Give me my ring!
Give me my ring!
- [ Siren Blares ]
- [ Chuckles ]
Well, this wasn't exactly
what l had planned.
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
Look. l know we haven't
been together long...
but you know when
something just feels right...
and you don't want
that feeling to end?
Okay, Romeo, save it
for your cell mate.
Whoa. Clancy.
Give the kid a minute.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
Long story short.
l love you.
- l love you.
- Will, uh--
Will you, uh--
- Will you marry me?
- Yes, l will marry you.
[ Both Laughing ]
Okay. Congrats and all that.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
l'm gonna go now.
Dude, are you fuckin'with me?
''Congratulations'' might be the more
appropriate response here, Derek.
You've only dated her
for two months.
l've had this cold sore
longer than that.
This coming from a guy
who's been married three times.
Have you learned nothing
from me, man?
l am a cautionary tale.
l am Jesus.
l have suffered for your sins.
- [ Farts ]
- [ Groans ] Please let that be a fart.
[ Farts ]
Yeah, baby! Suck it, losers.
Ooh!
[ Laughs ]
Okay. That was definitely
not a fart.
You know, l think that ''biatch'' is feeding this
thing lndian food just to screw with me.
- [ Babbling ]
- [ Both Groan ]
Yeah, you did a poop.
Yeah.
Any of you need changing?
Hey, where's, uh--
Where's Seth? He's up.
He's looking for a ball. Didn't have time
to stop at home and get his.
We're in a bowling alley.
How hard is it to find a ball?
[ Boy ]
All right! I'll take it!
Sorry, fellas.
l'm on the D.L. tonight.
l don't think there's a disabled list
for rec league bowling, buddy.
Ron, how can you abandon me
with these two losers?
l'm not abandoning anybody.
Just 'cause l'm getting married doesn't mean
l'm not gonna be here for bowling night...
or fishing weekend orJason's
biannual ''porno palooza.''
You know, nothing's gonna change.
Yeah. Well, that's what l thought.
Now if you'll excuse me,
l gotta get little shit machine...
back to his gold-digging
whore of a mother, huh?
Hey, don't forget your ball.
[ Chattering ]
l was talking with the mayor...
and l put a bug in his ear about having
the reception at the opera house.
You know, Mom, we were thinking
of having a small, simple wedding.
[ Laughs ]
Honestly, Melinda.
We're not Amish.
- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- l'll get it.
- Oh, my little sister's engaged!
- [ Laughs ]
Hi, beautiful.
- Hi, Todd.
- Sorry. l can't hear.
He's always working.
Let me ask you something.
ls it wrong to want
to tap sister-in-law ass?
Right. Oh. l gotta go.
- [ Clears Throat ]
- Honey.
- Yes?
- Does this remind you of when we got engaged?
- How could l forget?
- Let's go on a second honeymoon.
Someplace romantic.
Maybe make a baby.
Hey, there's your dad.
Hey. Abe.
Did you hear the one about the horny jockey
and the Venezuelan stable boy?
[ Laughing ]
No, but l think l like it already.
- [ Todd ] It's delicious.
- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- [ Children Chattering ln Chinese ]
- Hi, guys.
[ Chattering Continues ]
Speak English, huh?
English!
Look, go watch some TV, huh?
[ Speaks Chinese ]
- They're so cute.
- Sorry about that.
They're from the second marriage.
The ex only lets them speak to me
in Mandarin, the hairy ass crack.
- Yeah.
- Anyways--
- Congratulations.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Here.
- Oh. Sure. Uh--
Okay.
JJ [ Humming ]
Oh!
How's my baby?
My mother's killing me
with wedding crap.
- Mmm.
- l seriously don't think
l can take another year of this.
Mmm. Well, we could
just elope, of course.
Then she'd kill both of us.
What are you doing?
You.
- Mmm! Baby, we're in the pantry.
- Oh! That's a good point.
[ lnhales ]
[ Laughing ]
What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.
- J Sex elevator J
Ding.
[ Laughs ]
You are so stupid.
Hey. Would it kill you
to buy some groceries, man?
Yeah, if the Mystics would
cover the goddamn spread, l could.
The Mystics?
You're bettin' on the W.N.B.A.?
Mm-hmm. Well, hello.
[ Chuckles ]
Hi. l'm-l'm Judith.
l-l work with Mel.
Oh, hey,Judith.
l'm Jason.
l'm, uh, Ron's best friend--
since childhood.
Yeah. And this is Seth,
his college roommate.
And that's Derek.
Used to be his boss. Yeah.
- Are you all in finance?
- Actually, l'm in consumer products testing.
[ Sniffing ]
[ Sneezes ]
- Derek, do you still work with Ron?
- No. l, uh--
l left that company a while back...
but, uh, l'm still
in finance, you know.
l'm telling you, man, she had a pine tree
air freshener in her underpants. Gotta go.
- What do you do?
- l am in the advertising game.
- Yeah.
- Advertising?
- Mm-hmm.
- That sounds exciting.
lt is. Yeah, it is.
You know,Judith, you're a friend
of Mel's and l'm a friend of Ron's...
so l'm thinkin'
we should get together.
You know, maybe--
maybe grab a pizza, fuck.
No? You don't like pizza?
Seriously, who doesn't like pizza?
Hey, uh, everyone?
Everyone, um--
l don't know how to say this, but...
Mel and l simply could not come to
an agreement on our wedding colors...
so we are breaking up.
Very sorry.
Everyone drive safe.
- [ Crowd Laughing ]
- Yes! Welcome back, buddy.
He was kid-- He was kidding.
- [ Stammers, Laughs ]
- Sorry, Mel.
lt's okay.
Anyway, uh, two short months ago...
l wandered into the Cleveland Museum
of Modern Art.
l was, of course, lost,
um, but then...
l laid eyes on the best exhibit
in the whole joint-- Mel.
- [ Crowd Sighs ]
- [ Scoffs ]
Uh, no, l know that two months
is an awfully short time to get engaged...
but, to be honest with you,
l was ready to propose on that first day.
So needless to say...
when Mel proposed, l said yes.
- [ Crowd Laughs ]
- l didn't want to give her time...
to change her mind,
so we have set a date.
On May 31 , one month from today...
you are all invited
to our open bar--
- Which will also feature
a wedding, but, you know--
- [ Laughing ]
All right, let's get drunk.
Hey, uh, Derek?
Why is your kid dropping a deuce
in that plant?
Jesus! Stop it! Bah! Bah!
Mmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Now, Abe, l've taken a look at the numbers
for last quarters.
l think we've got some dead weight.
Here, look.
Take a look at this.
- Hey, hey, fellas.
- [ Abe ] Ron, come in.
- Abe, you're a whiskey man, is that right?
- Absolutely.
All right, l got
something here for you.
What have we got here?
Mmm.
Oh, that's nice.
What is this?
Jameson's 30-year Private Reserve.
l'm half lrish, so l gotta support the motherland.
l brought you a bottle.
You're lrish?
My mother's from Galway.
Geez, it's gonna be great to get some
more lrish blood in the family here.
You know, Todd here is English,
but we try not to think about that.
[ Laughs ]
- You like Cubans?
- Uh, yes.
- Thank you.
- From what I understand, Ron...
you're a, uh--you're a numbers man.
Yes, sir.
l'm a financial consultant.
l started out as a numbers man.
ln fact, Ron, you remind me a lot of myself
when l was a young man.
We can always use more numbers men
in the company.
You know, it's overrun now with
too many goddamn lawyers.
No offense, Todd.
After all, it is a family business.
Well, uh, thank you, sir.
lt's a very generous offer.
No, no, no. Abe.
You call me Abe.
Looks like you need a refill.
Todd!
- Yes, sir?
- Let's go find that bottle of yours, huh?
- Take care of that, would you?
- [ Hisses ]
So, Ron, have you heard the one about the
horny jockey and the Venezuelan stable boy?
[ Ron Laughs ]
No, but it sounds painful.
lt's been a great
couple of months...
and l can honestly say
that you are the best two interns...
we have ever had here.
Unfortunately, we can only
hire one of you.
So... let the best intern win!
[ Crowd Cheering, Hooting ]
[ Bell Rings ]
Get in there, Maxie!
Get in there!
Get angry! Get angry!
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
- Oh, that's not good.
- [ Grunting ]
- Y'ello.
- Ronny, it's Todd.
Oh, hey, Todd.
What-What's goin' on?
Oh,just a little thing called your bachelor party.
So what's the game plan?
l, uh, don't know.
My buddies are big fans
of''Two-for-Tuesday'' lap dances at Spanky's.
Listen, Ron,
this is your last hurrah.
We gotta do this thing in style.
Thinkin' we fly somewhere warm, hmm?
Where the drinks have umbrellas,
the hotels are five stars...
the vagina flows like water--
Sweet, sticky water.
Wow. That sounds great, but some
of the guys are on tight budgets.
That's what
the company card's for, right?
l mean, like Abe said,
this is a family business.
Look, that is very generous of you,
but l can't let you pay for all that.
Look, l'm really happy
that you're marrying Mel.
l mean, l always wanted a brother...
but unfortunately my mother
died when l was pretty young.
Look, l know we're
not blood or anything...
but, look, l would be honored
if you would let me...
throw my new brother
his bachelor party.
Well-- Of course, Todd.
Yeah. Absolutely.
Awesome.
Now listen, you probably
want to get some sleep, bro-ham...
'cause you're gonna need it.
Wow, Todd, l--
l'm so sorry about your mom.
l never knew.
Billy, are you fucking retarded?
She's not dead.
She's in Phoenix...
with her second husband
and her third set of tits.
- l'm sorry.
- Yeah. Yeah, you are.
Now, look.
l need recon on this guy.
Ron Simmons.
l wanna know everything about him--
every little detail.
Every man has his weakness, Billy,
and l wanna know his.
The old man's steppin'down soon.
I'm next in line.
l haven't been sleeping with this cow
of a daughter for the last three years...
just so Daddy's little favorite
can come in and take it from me.
Uh-uh.
Mmm. Sadly, Billy...
l just don't think this little union's
gonna make it to the altar.
Mmm.
- [ Horn Honking ]
- Let's go! l'm still sober.
Come on, man. The chicks in South Beach
aren't gonna fuck themselves.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hey, boys.
l love you, baby doll.
See you soon. Mmm.
Hey-- Oh! [ Chuckling ]
What's that for?
Well, you gotta buy
the groom a lap dance.
Pick a hottie.
See? That's why l'm marrying you.
- [ Tires Screeching ]
- Oh, shit.
It's my first wife. Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go!
- Love you.
- Go, go, go. Come on, go!
[ Tires Screeching ]
Nice try, asshole.
lt's your weekend with your son.
Remember?
Hey, it's Ron's bachelor party.
That is your problem,
shit for brains.
Ron, congratulations.
Oh! Marriage is a beautiful thing...
and l am so very happy for you.
Ass wipe.
Thanks, lrene.
l'm sorry you're not gonna be able
to make it. That sucks.
Get in the van, Ron.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
JJ [ Headphones: Rock ]
All right, l'm goin', okay?
My life knows no joy.
All l know is work and alimony payments
and babysitting.
So if you think l'm missing out
on a weekend...
of drunken debauchery,
you're sadly mistaken.
Well, he can't come with.
This is a bachelor party, not Romper Room.
- Ron?
- Ron?
- Ron?
- [Jet Engine Whining ]
Wait a minute. This?
This is your future
father-in-law's plane, man?
Way to go, Federline.
- And this Todd guy, he's gonna
pay for the whole weekend?
- Yeah, l guess so.
- [ Laughs ]
- Sounds gay to me, man.
Yeah, we don't have
to put out, do we?
Yeah, l'm not sleepin'
with your brother-in-law, Ron.
JJ [ Radio: Hip-hop ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
- What a douche.
My niggas!
Huh? What about this?
So, uh, guys, this is Todd.
Todd, the guys.
Gentlemen. Let's do this.
- [ Derek ] Nice sweater.
l guess purple's coming back.
- Shotgun.
Whoa. What's with the kid?
- Oh, don't worry. He's the mature one.
- Perfect.
[ Laughs ]
- Uh--
- [ Chuckling ] Oh, man.
- What? What?
- Okay, okay, listen, guys.
Take your sea--
Why don't you have any pants on?
What, this is a private plane, right?
Them's my privates.
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Derek ] Eww.
Anyway, look. Couple of flight attendants
are gonna come out.
Go over some safety precautions.
lt's not a big deal.
- Great.
- Oh, ladies?
- Hello, boys. l'm Mandy.
- And l'm Sandy.
And l'm in the upright
and locked position.
Yeah!
[ Laughs ]
We'll be serving you
all the way to sunny Florida.
And l got two million
airline miles. Yeah!
Hey, Derek. Offspring.
Aw, geez. Hold on.
Come on, ''Melvoid.''
Let's go.
Dad, it's Tommy, dumb ass.
Go see Captain Larry in the cockpit.
- l don't wanna go to the cockpit.
- Captain Larry.
Don't forget to wipe your ass.
ln the event of a water landing...
you will find several
flotation devices...
on board the aircraft.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]
Talk to me, Billy.
l've checked you into the suite and
made sure the bar is fully stocked.
- What about decorations for the room?
- l'm taking care of that now.
[ Chattering ]
[ Tommy ]
Guys, come on. Let me out.
[ Laughs ]
Oh.
[ Derek Muttering ]
You, sir, know how to travel.
Well, nothing is too good
for my new bro.
- All right.
- Mmm.
Speakin' of which, have you ever
had two girls at once?
Uh, actually, sadly, no.
But, uh, have you?
Of course, or else
l wouldn't be married.
Listen. l cannot let my new brother get
married till he has had a hat trick...
and l happen to have it
on very good authority...
that Sandy and Mandy are,
mmm, morally flexible.
[ Laughs ]
And l love that about them.
I do, but, uh--
l don't know,
l think this weekend...
l just wanna hang out
with you guys...
and get drunk
and maybe crap my pants.
- You know. l'm a traditionalist.
- Okay. You know what?
l'm gonna let this little Boy Scout routine
fly for right now.
- [ Laughs ]
- Let me tell you something.
My motto in business and in life...
is ''balls to the wall.''
Now, the mark
of a good bachelor party...
is the bachelor
getting laid early and often.
And the Todd only throws
the best bachelor parties.
Ladies, do your worst.
Guys, I'm-I'm fine. I really don't
want a lap dance now. I'm fine.
- [ Both Giggling ]
- Whoa.
Wait. Can l just--A little Purell first?
Like, two-two squirts, please?
Shut it, germ boy.
[ Screams ]
Oh, dear God!
- [ Mandy ] Bye.
- Okay. All right.
Thank you, ladies.
Yeah! [ Laughs ]
Drained it.
[ Derek ]
See you on the lnternet. [ Laughs ]
[ Mandy ]
See you on the way back.
See ya. Thanks. Whoa.
- [ Thuds ]
- [ Whimpers ]
[ Groans ]
- All right?
- Way to go.
One minute in Miami and
two broken arms. That's our Seth.
All right, gentlemen.
Gentlemen, listen up. This is Billy.
He's gonna be helping us out
with the, uh, festivities this weekend.
- What's up?
- Let's check it out.
Come on.
Left, right.
- Welcome to the presidential suite.
- Wow.
Ha, ha!
Oh, my God. They're really
letting me in this place?
[ Laughing ]
Oh, look at this. Whoo!
Dip my balls in champagne,
'cause l'm in heaven.
Groovy, Todd.
Damn, Ron, l might just bang
your brother-in-law after all, man.
Oh, well, thanks for that image.
[ Laughs ]
Geez.
- You good over there, Seth?
- Yes.
All right, pal.
This place is amazing.
- Thank you.
- Aw, nothin' but the best.
Now, there is one more
stop on the tour.
[ Chuckling ]
Yeah.
- [ Chattering ]
- Gentlemen, say hello to my little friends.
[ Giggling ]
- Guten Tag.
- Hello.
Guten Tag.
JJ [ Singing ln German ]
Eins! Zwei! Drei!
Whoo!
[ With German Accent ]
Long live Hitler!
[ Groans ]
Just gonna-- l'm gonna hit the head.
[ Ron ]
What are you trying to do, kill me?
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- [ Chattering ]
- Hey.
- Move.
- So what do we got?
- All right, so--
- There's a camera in every single room.
- Perfect.
lf this guy so much as pops a stiffy,
we're gonna get it on tape.
l'm telling you, that German chick
said something about Hitler.
My German's a little rusty,
but l am pretty sure that she said...
''Long live Hitler.''
Seth? Relax, pal.
Get a massage.
l'm serious, okay?
As the onlyJew here, all right...
l feel it is my responsibility
to be concerned...
that our roommates might be Nazis.
All right, buddy,
l'll tell you what.
lf they even think about invading Poland,
we'll let somebody know.
All right, Ronny.
Gin and tonic time, buddy.
Oh, fire it up. Ahhh.
Will you just drop it, please?
Hey, l'm cool
with your sexuality, D.
lt's just, l don't
swing that way, man.
Look. Asking you to rub sunblock
on my back does not make you gay.
Seriously. You might as well
have asked me for a hand job.
- Okay, that is just sick.
- Hey.
l smell cocktail wieners.
What?
Eureka.
- Okay.
- What are you doing?
You don't even know
what the S.A.A. is.
lt's Sales Associates
of America or some crap.
Just, you know,
talk about selling and goal realization...
and all that other
Tony Robbins shit.
Why am l Tubbs?
Because you, sir, are no Crockett.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
To be honest with you,
l was a bit nervous coming here.
When we first proposed a Sex Addicts
Anonymous retreat, people rolled their eyes.
- The were, like, ''Why not just call it an orgy?''
- Ooh.
Oh, no, you'll see.
These retreats offer
a very supportive environment...
where we can focus on healing
and getting on the road to recovery.
This weekend, sex will be
the farthest thing from your mind.
[ Chattering ]
l can't get enough of that--
- You like guns, Pop?
- What is that?
The best day of my life was the day
they gave me my 1 0-year chip.
Oh, welcome. l'm Sue Hoover,
president of the Southeast chapter.
Oh, nice to meet you, Sue--
All of you.
So what chapter are you from, Tubbs?
ls that your first name?
- Uh--
- Actually, that's his last name.
Yeah, l'm Sonny
and that's my partner Rico.
Yeah. And we're from
the Midwest chapter.
- Welcome, Sonny and Rico.
- Yeah.
So, how long have you two been
in the program?
- Oh, not very.
- Well, speak for yourself, Rico...
'cause I've been a member
for, oh, gosh, like, 20 years.
- Twenty years? My goodness.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah, l got started really young.
- My grandpa, he was a member,
so he started teaching me early.
- [ Coughs ]
Oh, careful there, Suzy Q.
Those things are a little tricky.
You gotta be careful.
Yeah, you know, between
my grandpa and the Boy Scouts...
- it was like l was just born to be in S.A.A.
- The Boy Scouts?
Oh, yeah.
l did a lot of hustling in the Scouts.
Yeah, with the Christmas tree lot
in the winter...
and then goin' door to door
in the summertime--whatever it took.
- My scoutmaster even said
l was the best he ever had.
- [ Coughs ]
- l'm fine.
- Are you all right?
Okay, let's not bore
the nice people...
with faded childhood
glories there, Sonny.
- Hey, Rico, isn't that your kid over there?
- Hmm?
Not a lot of women are comfortable
with a male ''vaginacologist''...
but l have many,
many satisfied patients.
- I am booking appointments.
- Come on.
- So, uh, Betty.
- Hmm?
You wanna maybe grab a drink later?
You know, talk shop? l could always
use some pointers on my technique.
Okay?
[ Chuckles ] Man.
- l need to call my sponsor.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Todd ] Guys, let's go!
The stripper's aren't getting any younger.
- Sonny! Sonny!
- Hey!
Betty, what's--what's goin' on?
Nothing. l just really
enjoyed talking with you earlier.
Oh, well, th-that's cool.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
Maybe, uh-- Maybe we should
hang out, you know?
- Grab a pizza, fuck?
- [ Laughs ] l thought you'd never ask.
- Pardon?
- Well, l don't eat pizza, but whatever.
Gentlemen, l will see you later.
[ Laughing ]
That line has never worked.
l mean, ever.
l'm gonna be really pissed
if she doesn't murder him...
or at least harvest a kidney, man.
[ Chattering ]
Ugh! That-That pole's
gotta be covered in crabs and herpes...
and God knows what.
l am so glad l cashed in
my 401 (k), man.
- [ Groans ]
- Gentlemen, this booth's us.
Come on.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Excuse me, ladies.
l hate to interrupt this meeting
of the minds, but l got a work question.
Who wants to make $1 0,000
for five minutes of work?
Oh-- Back, back. Yeah.
There it is. There it is.
- Aaah!
- Yeah!
Get into position.
Oh! The conquering hero
has returned.
[ Laughing ]
Yeah.
- Hey, that didn't take long, man.
- Trust me, dude.
She couldn't take much more.
l fucking killed it-- Ninja style.
- Oh, yeah? What, like fast and silent?
- You know it, brother. Yeah.
Hoo. Check it out. That chick's a dead ringer
for a young Nancy Reagan.
- [ Seth ] So?
- l always wanted to fuck Nancy Reagan. Yeah!
[ Seth ]
I was always fond of Geraldine Ferraro.
- Very sexy.
- Come on, bachelor.
You've got a date
in the V.l.P. room.
Go to the V.l.P.-- Oh, my God.
Whoa. Hey!
Whoa! You're--You're very nimble.
Shh. Save your energy.
You're gonna need it.
Oh.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, wow.
I've gotta get married more often.
Uh-- Hey. Hey.
Maybe the belt
should stay buckled though. No?
Robin! Your mommy's on the phone.
- Your grandma had a heart attack.
- Nana?
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.
That's horrible. l--
- You're not going anywhere, baby.
- Hey. Hey--Ah!
[ Moaning ]
Okay.
Hey. Hey--That's a zipper.
- That's happening now.
- Hey, back off!
- He's mine.
- You can share.
What? What?
Oh! Oh, Lord.
- Maybe we've had enough. That's my leg.
- You fucking bitch!
[ Both Shouting ]
[ Screams ]
[ Whimpers, Screams ]
Holy shit.
Come on, guys.
- [ Ron Groaning ]
- Get the hell off of him.
- [ Moans ]
- Hey!
[ Groans ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Laughing ]
Yeah! Stripper fight!
- [ Groans ]
- Get off! Get off!
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
What is Todd's deal?
ls he trying to get me laid
or get me killed?
- Hey, man, there are worse ways to die.
- Yeah.
Dudes, that chick in the corner...
is throwing me signals
like she's Johnny fuckin' Bench.
She's paying more attention...
to the floating lint than you, dude.
All right, let's get down
to brass tacks, okay?
- Are you ready for marriage, Ron?
- l think so. Yeah.
Oh. So you're ready
to say good-bye to blow jobs?
'Cause that's
the first thing that goes.
Married women don't give blowjobs.
It's a union thing, man.
And then your sports
that you love...
that's the next thing
you can kiss good-bye.
- Mel likes sports.
- No, no, no.
They pretend they like sports...
the same way we pretend
we like talkin' to them.
The only sports you're gonna get
when you're married...
is Little League T-Ball.
And l've seen that stuff,
and trust me, Ron.
Most of those kids
really fuckin' suck, okay?
And by the time they
take away the last thing...
that gives you
any pleasure at all-- booze--
you've forgotten what happiness is.
So now you're just walking around...
an empty shell
of the man you once were.
And that's when
they leave you, Ron. Hmm.
Claimin' that
''You're not the man l married.''
Well, no shit, hey?
Thanks for playin',
and here's a parting gift.
Child support and alimony
right up the ass!
And... that's marriage, Ron.
You ready for that?
- l'm gonna go pee.
- Mmm.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
l need some pills.
[ Groans ]
- Oh, for God's sakes. Let me help you with that.
- Oh, thanks.
Just don't get any ideas.
l'm not gonna wipe your ass later.
Ooh. My old friend codeine.
- Nice. Two for me, one for you?
- No, no, no.
- l need that stuff, man.
- Wait a minute.
- Can you drink with those?
- lt's way better when you drink.
One beer is not gonna be a problem.
Aw, come on, man. Marriage is outdated,
Ron. We don't need 'em.
Yeah, we never should have,
uh, given women the right to vote.
Okay, that's it.
Let's take it easy, shall we?
- lt's been kind of a long night,
what with the gang rape and all.
- [ Snoring ]
Oh, God. l'm gonna walk
Sleeping Beauty back up to his room.
- Come on.
- Okay. l gotta go to the garden party.
- Okay, careful. Careful.
- [ lndistinct ]
Okay. That's good for you.
You guys, uh--
You guys comin', or what?
No, l think l'm gonna
stay here, man.
That chick over there
is beggin' me for it.
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
- l'm not gonna miss this.
Why would you?
Seth?
[ Groans ]
- Hi. [ Chuckles ]
- Hi.
He's, uh--
He's had kind of a long day.
- lt's definitely past someone's bedtime.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about that. Come on, pal.
- [ Seth Mumbles ]
Here you go. Oh, geez.
[ Laughs ]
So, uh, do you wanna
take a picture...
or should l give you a piece of paper
so you can sketch them?
- Take a picture.
- Oh, no. l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
l'm from Cleveland,
and l was noticing your shirt.
- Are you a Browns fan?
- My father is from Cleveland,
so l was brainwashed early.
l'm a Cavs fan,
but they're breaking my heart right now.
- [ Man On TV, Indistinct ]
- Aw, come on, LeBron.
- Shoot less commercials and more free throws.
- [ Seth ] Come on, LeBron.
- So you're--you're a big Cleveland fan, huh?
- Such is my curse.
- Well, uh--
- [ Snoring ]
He's drooling on me now...
so l should probably go,
but it was nice meeting you.
- [ Laughing ] You too.
- All right. Come on, little prince.
[ Seth ]
Bye, LeBron.
Hey, it's Mel.
Leave a message. l'll call you back.
Hey, babe.
Just callin' to say hi.
l miss you. Um--
Gimme a call whenever.
l'll talk to you then.
Love you. Bye.
[ Women Giggling ]
[ Giggling Continues ]
Guten Abend.
- Mmm. [ Chuckles ]
- Balls to the wall, Ron.
Yeah, you know,
l think l'm more of a couch sleeper.
[ Chuckles ]
Auf Wiedersehen, ladies.
[ Muffled Giggling ]
Oh, what is wrong with this guy?
Who walks away from that?
[ Giggling ]
Oh. Oh.
[ Snoring ]
- Wakey, wakey, D.
- Uh, Nacho Bellgrande.
[ Groaning ]
[ Women Giggling ]
- Morning, ladies.
- [ Women ] Guten Morgen.
[ Muttering ]
There is my book.
- Oh. l did--
- [ Laughs ] Danke schn.
l set a banana on--
lt wa--
lt was--
[ Exhales ]
Oh, God.
She wasn't just reading
Hitler's manifesto, okay?
She was highlighting it.
Those girls are Nazis!
Well, maybe,
but they're hot Nazis. ''Hotzis.''
[ Chuckles ]
[ Groans ]
What the fuck!
- Hey. What the hell is this?
- What?
This. What is this?
- That's your wedding ring.
- My what?
Your wedding ring. You got married last night.
You don't remember?
- [ Together] What?
- Yeah. After you guys left...
he went over to that little chippie at the bar
and they actually hit it off.
Then we went out and had some drinks,
did some dancing.
Before you know it, we were
in a little chapel in Boca. I was your best man.
You were my best man?
You let me marry her? What the fuck!
l was honored to be asked, buddy.
[ Stammers ]
Oh. Okay, guys.
Ha, ha, ha. l've been punk'd.
Very funny.
- You're fuckin' with me, right?
- Actually, l'm not.
Been waiting all morning to show you
your marriage certificate.
Yeah, yeah. Could have got this done
at a Kinko's.
Two minutes.
Ha, ha. Very funny.
Then there's always the video.
[ Derek Cackling ]
l'm gettin' married!
l'm-l'm in love
with Sonia Hernandez.
Who's Sonia Hernandez?
- That's your new stepmom, twit.
- Seriously? Again?
Dad, tell me this is a joke.
Look, l don't remember
what happened.
You don't remember?
What is the matter with you?
Okay,you hold on,
'cause I'm still your father.
Oh, you sure?
'Cause sometimes l don't know...
who's the adult and who's the child.
Thanks a lot, ass.
[ Knocking ]
Surprise bachelorette party!
[ Screams, Blows Noisemaker]
- Thank you. Hi.
- [ Chattering, Laughing ]
You know what I love
about golf,Ron?
- What's that, Todd?
- lt just has so much in common with women.
l mean, the finest,
most gorgeous courses in the world...
are also the most expensive
and the most difficult.
l mean, sure we like
to kick around...
with a shitty little
par three now and again--
- Long as our buddies don't see us, right?
- Mmm.
The beauty of golf is variety.
You don't want
to play the same hole every day.
Even if you are
playing the backside.
Well, that's, uh--
That's beautiful, Todd, but l think
l'm more of a one-hole kind of a guy.
l'm a three-hole man, myself.
Right.
All right, boys, what do you say
we make it interesting?
- Five hundred a man.
- Uh, how about we keep it to 1 00, huh?
- And we play Kennedy rules.
- What are Kennedy rules?
Ted Kennedy.
All right? Yeah.
You lose a hole, you drink.
You hit it in the sand, you drink.
Seth ''whiffs'' the ball, we all drink.
- l don't even want to play.
- Well, you're gonna.
We played at the putt-putt.
The rules will transfer just fine.
Fair enough.
We're also gonna play Todd rules.
What are Todd rules?
Strip golf.
Lose a hole, you lose some clothes.
l told you he was a 'mo.
Come on, pay up.
Not us. The caddies.
Oh, and that's less gay how?
Those are our caddies.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Ashley couldn't make it,
but her sister is coming.
Oh. Here she comes now.
Sorry l'm late.
My bunions are killing me.
- l call this one.
- Wait, wait.
- She's mine.
Oh, this day just keeps
getting better and better.
[ Whistling ]
Yeah.
Oh.
Hmm.
Whoa!
Ah.
Oh, l can't. No!
All right.
Oh, God.
- Up yours, buddy.
- [ Yells ]
- Drained it.
- Oh, yes!
- Fore!
- [ Todd ] Come back. Come back.
[ Chattering, Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
Miss it.
Miss it. Miss it.
[Jason ]
Noonan. Noonan.
[Jason ]
Oh,yeah. That's my boy!
[ Cheering ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Let me get this right, Ron.
Your smokin' hot caddy
asked you to play a 1 9th hole...
and you said no?
Dude, l'm gonna have
to check your balls for gay.
Are you remotely familiar
with how monogamy works?
- [Jason ] No!
- All right, boys, listen up.
- [ Grunts ]
- Tonight l got something special planned.
We're going to the biggest party
down at the beach.
We're comin' back here
and we're drinkin' all night.
All right?
Get some rest.
We're goin' balls to the wall.
- ls Seth okay?
- He's fine.
l, on the other hand,
got way too much exercise.
Ah. Wunderbar.
Mmm. You want?
- Nein.
- All right.
- Scaredy cat.
- Hey.
Can you guys believe this? There's, like,
ln Miami? Shocking.
Here's what we'll do, okay? lf each of us
phones 7 5-- Right? That should work--
Wait a minute.
Where's-Where's Tommy?
Sonny? Hello? Sonny?
- Hey, hey, you.
- Hey.
- This is Shawna.
- Hi.
You think you can take care of her
the way you took care of me?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
One second.
Alley-oop.
Okay. Did you girls lose
a bet or something? Huh?
Daddy's little helper.
Look out, ladies.
Here l come.
Your friend-- He's just amazing.
- Eww.
- Mr. Amazing is back.
[ Chuckles ]
All right.
- I'll catch you guys later.
- Hey, man, gimme the phone book.
l'll help you out.
[ Billiard Ball Clacks ]
Autumn, can we do this tonight,
at, like, a club or something?
These guys are not here
to play bachelorette games.
They're here to feed
their drinking problems.
l have everything all set up...
and if you start changing things now,
it'll mess everything up...
- and we won't get home in time for your surprise--
- Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me. Hi. Hi.
lt's my bachelorette party,
and, well, l was just wondering...
if you wanted to pay a dollar to...
well, suck a piece
of candy off my shirt.
Here's 1 0, but leave me
the fuck alone.
Nice throw, Son.
[ Derek ]
Hey, Tommy, it's me again.
Look. l, uh--
l want to apologize for this morning.
lt's-lt's not your fault
that your dad's a fuck-up.
Just call me when you can.
I'm worried about you and--
l-- l love you, okay?
Okay. Bye.
Hey, guy!
Little help here?
- Oh! What the hell is wrong with you?
-Just wasted a beer.
Hi. Can l have a Jameson
on the rocks, please?
Tough day?
- Hey! Browns girl.
- [ Chuckles ]
- What, do you live in this bar?
- Practically.
Tony makes the best mojitos
in South Beach.
And it's Eva, by the way.
Hi. l'm Ron.
So, Ron, what's going on?
l am-- l am here
for my bachelor party.
Your bachelor party?
Oh, well.
That bums me out.
l thought you were cute.
Oh, um, thank you.
[ Laughs ] l'm, uh-- l'm flattered.
[ Chuckles ]
Easy, cowboy. l'm just bustin' your balls.
- Hello. l'm engaged too. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Laughs ]
God, is everyone
from Cleveland this gullible?
They have done studies.
Yeah, yeah.
So, uh, when is your big day, hmm?
Well, we just started
dating a year ago.
So, between you, me and Tony,
l'm not exactly in a rush.
l don't wanna make a lifelong mistake.
You know what l mean?
Tony, can l have another, please?
JJ [ Humming Along ]
Ah, don't kill me!
- Seth!
- l'm fine. l'm fine. l'm fine. Whoa. Not fine.
l need-- l need my--
Where's my medication?
l think the fat boy took them.
Oh, that's just great!
Maybe this will help.
Thanks.
Oh. Uh, so, you, um--
You have a really nice--
You have a really nice voice.
What was that song you were singing?
That's a song l used to sing when l was a little
girl with my great-grandfather, Adolph.
[ Gagging ]
l'm fine. You said your--
your grandpa who?
- My great-grandfather, Adolph!
- [ Nervous Laugh ]
- He's so sweet. He lives in South America.
- Yeah, l bet.
- He calls me every week.
- Oh.
And he wants me to go to art
school like he did in Vienna.
- Oh, art school. That's--That's fun.
- Yes.
- But l'm not interested in art.
- No.
- l like politics.
- [ Laughing ]
Uh, can you-- can you give me,
maybe, the whole bottle?
[ Whimpers ]
Two months?
l see your friend's point.
What if she turns out to be
a serial killer or something?
l was once dated a guy for six months.
He turned out to be gay.
- Maybe you made him gay.
- Oh, l definitely made him gay.
l used to outdistance him
on the driving range by 50 yards.
- Pansy.
- You golf too, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
- All right. l totally would have
gone gay for you also.
l mean, not without the whole man--
You know what l'm saying.
Well, sir, flattery
will get you another drink.
Wait. No, no. l can't.
l can't. l can't. l got this, uh...
Beach Blanket Bingo thing
to go to here.
Fine. Leave me.
l got Tony.
Oh. Well, you've got the world then.
Hey, why don't you come with?
l don't think a girl should crash
your bachelor party.
Come on. lt's free booze
and drunk spring break kids.
What more could you possibly
want from an evening?
Plus, we can gab about centerpieces
and bridesmaids' dresses.
You had me at ''free booze.''
[ Laughs ]
- l'll see you there, Cleveland Ron.
- All right.
Hey, Seth.
What's goin' on, man?
[ Sighs ]
Hey, any luck finding Tom?
Whoa!
All right.
Um, you feeling okay, Seth?
No. l am far from okay.
Okay?
l needed my medication,
onlyJason took it.
So Hitler's granddaughter
gave me some of these aspirin.
Only now everything
still hurts and l have this!
Is it supposed to
curve like that, man?
- No!
- Holy baby arm!
- This is all your fault!
- Okay, how is that my fault?
Because you took my codeine,
so l took a bunch of your Viagra!
Okay, that's not Viagra, Captain Hook.
That's Equine XL.
Wait a minute.
What's Equine XL?
lt's boner pills for horses.
l get it off this veterinary Web site.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, it's awesome.
[ Derek ]
I gotta get that site.
They were in an aspirin bottle,
you degenerate asshole!
- Well, excuse me for exercising a little discretion.
- ''Exercising discretion''?
l can't think of two words
that have less in common with you...
than ''exercise'' and ''discretion''!
Ouch. That hurt, Seth.
l'm gonna give you something to hurt
about, you motherfucker! Come on!
- [ Shouting ]
- [ Screams ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
All right, all right! Seth, stop. Stop.
[ All Shouting ]
Wet noodle! Wet noodle.
Sorry to interrupt...
whatever this is.
The, uh, party starts
in about 1 0 minutes.
So, you know,
if you just... finish up soon.
All right, Seth, I think you
should, um--you should go and...
you know, take care
of your little... situation.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah?
- [Jason ] Okay, I got it.
We just, uh,
call a little call girl.
No, no, no.
l am not letting some diseased hooker
touch me down there.
[ Derek ] We'll get a nice clean hooker
to touch you down there.
[ Seth ]
Forget it, fellas. All right? Just forget it.
[Jason ]
So, uh, are those capri pants?
They're not capri pants.
Capri pants are for women.
Oh. So they're man-pri pants?
No. Look, they're
cropped slacks, okay?
They're huge in Europe. Huge.
Yeah, George Michael's
huge in Europe too.
You ever thought of maybe
an ankle bracelet?
- ls he gonna be down soon?
- Yeah. He'll be down in a minute.
[ Whirring ]
Be gentle.
[ Shudders, Laughs ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Moaning ]
- [ Gasps, Speaking Spanish ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Squishing Sound ]
- [ Machine Grinding ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Chattering ]
Here you go, ladies.
- Thank you, Flora.
- [ Chuckles ]
What are we doing here?
Not that l'm complaining...
but, you know, the odds
of being thrown up on...
by a hardened alcoholic
have dropped significantly.
Speaking of, where's Mom?
She's, uh, taking one of her ''naps.''
- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- Ah. l wonder who that could be.
- What's going on?
- l don't know.
Oh, no. lt appears we have
some sort of water leak.
[ Chuckles ]
The plumber's here!
Excuse me, ladies. l understand you're having
some problems with your plumbing.
JJ [ Dance Rock ]
[ Grunting ]
- Okay.
- l may have to pull out my special tool for this job.
Don't you worry. l'm accustomed
to working with a lot of pipe.
Oh, my God!
Are thoseJimmy Choo's?
[ Gasps ]
Flora!
[ All ]
Go, plumber! Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
Go, go! Go, plumber!
Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
Go, go!
Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
Go, go!
Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
- Go, plumber! Go, plumber!
- JJ [ Stops ]
Go, go! Go, plumber!
What in fuck's name is going on?
And where did Tommy Tune
here come from?
Mother! lt's Mel's bachelorette party.
This is the stripper.
[ Effeminately ]
Hi. Love your house.
Thanks, Sally.
[ Scoffs ]
Jesus, Autumn!
This guy likes cock more
than anyone else in this room.
- Excuse me, Mother, but we were in the middle--
- But nothing.
No daughter of mine is going
to have a one-man rendition...
of a Chorus Line
for her bachelorette party.
Oh, really? Well, what do you
wanna do that's so great?
- We'll go to my book club.
- [ Chuckles ]
Oh, l'll take that.
Definitely don't need that.
- Oh.
- Thanks.
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Gentlemen, to a night we will never forget.
- Cheers.
- Hear! Hear!
Oh.
See ya later, guys.
- Whoa. Whoa. Feeling a little woozy.
- You all right?
l think this erection's
draining the blood from my brain.
l'm disgusting.
Okay, okay. Fair-weather friends, Ron.
Those are fair-weather friends.
l am not gonna let a little pissin' and moanin'
ruin your bachelor party.
- All right, brother? Yeah!
- All right.
- Hang on a second.
- And off he goes.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Really? Does that come
with a side ofTampax?
Not tonight.
Tonight we roll V.l.P.
[ Chattering ]
lf you don't already have someone performing
your wedding, l'm also a licensed minister.
Uh, that would be just lovely.
[ Chattering, Laughter]
This is your book club?
Come on! Go home!
Nobody likes you.
For the love of God, take a rest!
[JacuzziJets Whirring ]
So, you guys offer
limo service, right?
The presidential suite.
Now, bachelorette,
I'll bet you're hungry, my dear.
Would you care for a scone?
- Hi.
- [ Sighs ]
Grandma Rose?
[ Gags ]
Well, hello, Melinda dear!
TheJapanese have surrendered!
The war is over!
Great-Grandma?
Would you look at us?
Four generations together
at book club.
l need a refill.
Come on, baby. Daddy needs a rest.
[ Sighs ]
- Hey, fellas, look, a hot tub!
- No, it's--
lt's closed for maintenance.
l'm cleaning it.
Looks like
a clothing optional tub too.
- [Jets Sucking ]
- [ Groans ] l'm stuck!
- Excuse me.
- Oh, God!
Looks nice.
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Men Chattering ]
Well, well, l thought
you hadn't made it.
Sorry, l was just freshening up.
Oh. You freshen up nice.
Half now, half after.
And when you're done,
you come party with a real man.
Sounds great.
- Go get him.
- [ Pats Bottom ]
- JJ [ Hip-hop ]
- Get it ready! lt's time
for the hot body dance contest!
Now, whoever shakes her thing for the crowd
and gets the most applause wins $500!
- Are you with me?
- [ Cheering ]
Yeah!
First up is sexy Kirstie.
Hey, 500 bucks just
for shaking your tits?
You should get in on that, man.
You got lovely tits.
What are they, a full ''B'' cup?
Don't you have, like, a lost child
and future ex-wife to find?
You know what?
That cut. That cut real deep.
ls it gay that we're
in this hammock together?
- JJ [ Continues ]
- [ Cheering Continues ]
- Looks like her years of tap lessons paid off.
- Hey.
Wow. Uh, this is new.
Okay. You look amazing.
l'm--Are you on next or something?
l got disqualified. 'Roids.
Ah, yes. See, l suspected
you might be a juicer.
- Mojito?
- You speak my language.
- Shall we?
- Ah, yes.
Excuse me, ladies.
May l interest you in a cocktail?
Oh, yes. l slept with
a colored man once.
- Shh!
- He was the milkman.
Oh, he was so big,
and black as night.
- Okay, Mother. Okay.
- He sure delivered the milk that day!
Okay, uh, if you'll all excuse me.
I'm gonna go--
I'm gonna check in with Ron.
Mmm!
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
Ooh, Todd. Looks like Ron
forgot his phone.
Oooh, score.
All right, ladies. Get lost. Go.
[ Girl ]
Okay. See ya.
- [ Rings ]
- Ron's phone.
Hey. Todd?
Oh, hi, Mel.
You know what?
l would get Ron, but he's a little,
uh, indisposed at the moment.
- ls he throwing up?
He's-- He's kind of a lightweight.
- Not exactly.
Mel, are you sure you want
to invite this guy into our family?
What?
Listen, Ron has been sleeping
with everything in a skirt out here.
Do you guys have some kind
of arrangement or something? Hello?
- Mel?
- [ Dial Tone Humming ]
Next stop, corner office!
More shots!
- Ooh!
- Shots!
lt doesn't seem like Ron at all.
lt's better you found out now.
Next time he falls asleep, cut one
of his balls off. That'll teach him.
Not now, Mother!
- l have to see him. Tonight.
- [ Autumn ] You want to go to Miami tonight?
l'll call your father.
We can take the jet.
Ooh-hoo. All right, guys,
give it up one more time for Candy!
All right.
Last but certainly not least...
we have the beautiful...
Jason?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.
- [ Exhales ]
- JJ [ Dance Rock ]
[ Man ]
Get off the stage, loser!
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
[ All Cheering ]
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Yeah!
[ Emcee ]
All right, guys. This is crazy.
For the first time
in club history we have a tie...
- between Candy...
- [ Cheering ]
- and Jason!
- [ Loud Cheering ]
Now, right here, that can only mean
one thing. l'm talking about a dance off!
[ Loud Cheering ]
- You're going down, fatty.
- Oh, bring it on, sugar tits.
First up, Candy!
[ Loud Cheering ]
JJ [ Dance ]
Don't get mad, girl.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, that is not nice.
Oh, man,you can't beat that.
You can't beat that.
[ Chanting ]
Jason!Jason!Jason!
[ Crowd Chanting Along ]
Jason!Jason!Jason!
Jason!Jason!Jason!
Jason!Jason!Jason!
Jason!Jason!Jason!
Jason!Jason!
Jason!Jason!Jason!
- [ Cheering Stops ]
- [ Gasps ]
- Yeah!
- [ All Cheering ]
Yeah!
We have a winner! Big Jason!
[ Laughs ]
l do not know where they are.
- Maybe they took a few groupies back
to the hotel or something.
- [ Laughs ]
[ Shivers ]
ls it me or is it freezing?
Um, we can go.
You--You wanna go?
- Yeah, let's go.
- All right.
- Hey, hey. Ron just left with Eva.
- Perfect.
Just to be sure, get every hot piece
of ass here back to the suite.
Okay. Hey, what should l tell them?
l don't give a shit. Get it done or you're
gonna be walking back to Cleveland.
- All right?
- Okay.
Yeah. Thanks, bro.
Man, l've always wanted one of these.
[ Seth ]
Guys! Guys!
Come here. Oh, thank God.
Thank God!
You have no idea what l've been through.
Help me get me out of this chlamydia stew!
- [ Both Groan ]
- Come on, man!
l swear to God, if l see any more man junk
on this trip, l'm gonna gouge my eyes out.
- Who's the degenerate now?
- Okay? Get a girlfriend.
- Are you serious?
- Get a watermelon.
Are you serious?
Hey, come on!
l-- l think l lost a ball!
[ Groans ]
[ Man ]
Hey, fellas, look, a hot tub.
- [ Neck Muscles Cracking ]
- [ Screams ]
[ Derek Over Phone ] I'm worried about you,
and I love you. Okay?
Okay, good-bye.
- That was weird.
- What?
My dad. We had a fight today...
and he actually apologized,
which is a first.
Hey, driver, are there
any karaoke bars around here?
[ Girls Chattering Excitedly ]
Get down here! This guy just invited us
toJustin Timberlake's hotel room!
Congratulations toJeff
for earning his one-year chip!
And next up, we have Betty who
has earned her six-month chip.
Come on up here, Betty!
[ Laughing ]
Excuse me.
ls this the Timberlake orgy?
- Um, no, afraid not.
- Sorry.
Betty? Where are you?
Betty? Wait!
No, don't go! You must avoid
your lust triggers!
[ Girls Screaming ]
[ Mutters ]
- [ Shouting Continues ]
-Justin!
[ Laughs ]
Wow. You look tense.
Uh, yeah, yeah. lt's been a tense weekend.
Let me ask you something.
ls a bachelor party the last chance
for someone to convince the bachelor...
that they're making a huge mistake?
ls that it?
l don't know. Are you?
- What? Making a mistake?
- Yeah.
l don't know.
l-- l don't think so.
You don't think so? Well, if that's
not true love, l don't know what is.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, well, in your infinite wisdom...
maybe you can tell me how do you know
that your fianc is the one?
l never said he was.
Well, why did you say ''yes''?
'Cause he asked, l guess.
Look, l'm not the one
with the wedding date.
Life is short and l want to be sure.
[ Chattering ]
- l love Miami.
- Sonny.
Oh. Hey, Betty.
So, l've got a few friends
that are in need of your expertise.
- Oh. Well, okay.
- All right. Come on, girls.
Oh. Uh-- Oh.
l don't know, Betty.
l mean, my penis is really tired.
- [ Girls Groan ]
- Your cock can sleep when it's dead.
- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah!
- Okay. Yeah, let's do this!
- Oh, good!
Okay, first bedroom on the right.
[ Growling ]
Yeah, l can't wait.
Tall. Blonde. You're getting it.
Here you go. l'm outta here.
Witness the sickness!
Hey. Go get some hair plugs.
Come on. Where's Ron?
[ Groans ]
My God!
- l know they're sex addicts, but come on!
- [ Betty Growls ]
[ Derek ] You guys seen a kid, huh?
Anybody,you seen a kid?
You seen a kid?
- Hey, Seth.
- Hey.
- How'd you get out of the hot tub, man?
- l don't want to talk about it.
Sebastian and Meat, this is Derek.
Derek, Sebastian, Meat.
Have you seen, uh--
seen Tommy anywhere?
- No, sorry.
- Meat?
All right.
Let me know, man. Tommy?
Well, l'm gonna take the longest shower
in recorded history.
Make yourselves at home.
Tommy!
Tommy.
Where have you been?
l've been so worried about you.
What are you wearing?
- Who's your friend?
- Dad, this is Sonia Hernandez Murphy.
Murphy. Okay, okay.
Yeah, same last name. Small world.
Dad, this is the woman
you married last night.
Oh, my God!
l'm so sorry.
l didn't recognize you.
You see, last night--
- You were hammered.
- [ Exhales ]
lt's so good to see you!
[ Gasps ]
Okay, okay.
Yeah. Uh, Tommy,
can l see you for a sec?
Excuse me, Sonia.
How did you find her?
l checked out a couple karaoke bars.
What? Karaoke bars?
Dad, you love karaoke.
Mom loves karaoke.
So do your other ex-wives.
So why would number four be any different?
Now listen.
She's an aerobics instructor...
loves merlot, hates smoking,
and her family owns the Miami Dolphins.
- Holy shit. Really?
- Yeah, she's loaded.
So don't blow this.
Now go talk to your wife.
- Sonia! [ Chuckles ]
- [ Giggles ]
[ Exhales ]
lt's so clean and organized.
lt's so German.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Seth!
- [ Gasps ] Oh, hey.
- [ Vibrating ]
Gerda. Hi. l was...just gonna
borrow some Purell.
No, it's not--it's not
what it looks like. I was--
- Oh, Seth!
- No!
- Oh, Seth, yes!
- Okay.
Well, l-l--
l've never been married...
so l don't have a lot of experience
with this subject matter.
But with Mel...
things just feel right.
Hmm. Well...
what about this?
- Does this feel right?
- Uh-- l, um-- l, uh--Who needs a drink?
Yes, let's have a toast.
- Oh, yeah.
- To life being short.
Um--
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
We--We can't--We can't do this.
l know that what l'm doing is right.
And Mel is the one for me.
l'm sure of that.
And l know that your fianc...
is an incredibly lucky man...
to be marrying an amazing
woman like-- like you.
- l'm sorry.
- Don't. Please, don't apologize.
Yes, l-l should because
l'm-- l'm not getting married.
And l'm far from an amazing woman.
But you're a really good guy...
unlike your buddy Todd.
[ Chuckles ]
What?
[ Screaming ]
Jesus!
[ Gasps ]
- Oh, Seth! Seth!
- l'm going to hell!
l'm going to hell, but it's okay.
l'm sorry, Grandma!
- I'm so sorry!
- [ German ]
- Oh, God! [ Shouting ]
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
What are you doing here?
Where's Ron?
Sleeping it off on the beach.
Mission accomplished.
Really? Well, l need proof.
Oh, l've got it.
Pictures galore.
Excellent. Let's see.
We could do that now, or...
you and l could celebrate.
Billy.
Leave now.
[ Door Opens ]
- [ Door Closes ]
- Dut, dut, dut, dut, dut.
By the way...
- [ Vibrating ]
- l like to get wild.
You like to get wild,
don't you, Todd?
Oh.
Hey, fellas.
[ Crowd Chanting ]
Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink!
Drink! Drink! Drink!
- [ Cheering ]
- [ Boy ] Mazel tov!
[ Chattering ]
Where is she going?
She went home. l told her
l'd see her tomorrow at the annulment.
You're not gonna stay
with her? She's perfect!
l know that, buddy,
but l told her...
l've got a couple of few very
important things back in Cleveland.
That was stupid.
She's rich!
You gotta relax, okay? We're still dating.
We're gonna do the long-distance thing.
l'm not that stupid. Right?
Hang on a sec.
[ Betty ]
See, he was wonderful.
Excuse me, ladies.
Hi. l, uh-- l hate to ask this...
but what exactly is Jason's--
Uh, Sonny's secret?
l don't know what to tell you, Rico.
lt's a God-given talent.
- He's like Mother Teresa.
- Wait a minute.
He's like Mother Teresa in the sack?
Yeah, he is. l just wish
he was staying longer.
There are so many more of us
that need to be cured.
Cured? The only thing
that guy could cure is a ham!
l've been a sex addict all my life.
l have tried everything.
Even electroshock therapy.
Nothing worked... until l slept with Sonny.
lt was so--
[ Gags ] foul.
l don't think l'll ever have sex again!
He's an angel.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, he is an angel.
- Well, thanks, ladies.
- Yeah, sure.
He's an angel.
[ Laughing ]
Whoo! I am wiped out.
Man, those chicks were passing me
around like the Stanley Cup in there.
- l bet they were, you pathetic--
- Sonny Crockett, you're the man.
Ah, l do my best. Now, l gotta find
a little beverage, replenish my fluids.
[ Laughing ]
Yeah.
l was gonna rip him a new one.
Sometimes you gotta let your buddies
have their little moment in the sun, okay?
And besides, we're gonna be
able to hang this over him forever.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh. Mmm, all right.
Come on. Let's do this.
- One more thing.
- What?
What--What are you doing?
Well, you know, Todd,
l thought a lot about what you said...
and you were right.
- l do want a threesome.
- [ Gasps ] l meant two girls, okay?
Two girls! Okay?
Come on, buddy.
Don't you wanna go
balls to the wall?
No, l-l-- l don't.
Guess what everybody.
l'm free from my penis!
l'm totally flaccid.
lt's great!
What, did your horse
stiffy juice run out?
Not exactly.
What are you gonna do with that?
- Oh.
- Seth. [ German ]
- Rar, rar, rar, rar.
- You slept with the Nazi?
She's a total neat freak, man,just like me.
lt's like we were destined to meet.
- Seth, you're a Jew.
- A self-loathing Jew. lt's perfect!
Hey, have, uh, you guys seen Ron?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Ron, listen, it's cool.
Okay, it's cool. l like you.
Okay? This is just-- lt's not my thing!
- Okay?
- Shh.
lf this is going to be special,
l need it to be silent.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, no. No, listen. Listen.
[ Whimpering ]
Hey, Billy, have you seen--
Jesus Christ! What the fuck, Ron?
What? What?
No, it's not what it looks like.
Todd was trying
to break Mel and l up...
because he was worried I was gonna
replace him at Mel's dad's company.
l don't even want the job, you dumb shit!
All l want is Mel.
[ Muffled Shouts ]
So in retaliation
you decided to rape him?
l can respect that.
Hey, fellas, looks like
the real party's in here.
[ Groans ]
So, is there an agreed
upon safe word or what?
- [ Moans ]
- lt's not what you think.
[ Gasps ]
- Mel.
- [ Moans ]
You are sick.
l-- No, no, wait! lt's not what you think.
Todd set me up!
- Wait, no. Honey! Hey!
- [ Gasps ]
No.
[ Groans ]
What the hell is he talking about?
Ask him.
[ Chuckles ]
- Mel!
- [ Gasps ]
Mel!
Hey!
Wait, wait, wait!
Hang on!
[ Screaming ]
So he set this whole thing up
to get Ron to cheat. Sorry.
Fuck you.
- ls this true?
- Sweetheart, he's-- he's lying.
You are so fucking fired, Billy!
Really, huh?
After all l've done.
He's been skimming off the top for years
and sleeping with Angela in Accounting.
She gave him crabs.
l bought the cream.
- Bullshit!
- Bastard!
Okay, everybody out of the room.
- Now, Autumn, honey--
- l said out now!
- [ Autumn Shouting ] Angela in Accounting!
- Baby, I can explain.
- Look at me! You son of a bitch!
- [ Punches Landing ]
Mel!
[ Both Gasping ]
lt's my fiance.
lt's all a big misunderstanding.
- Hang on! We're taking a shortcut!
- [ Screaming ]
- Look out! Look out!
- [ Horn Honking ]
[ Shouting ]
Mel! Mel!
Take the wheel!
- Mel, let's talk.
- Leave me alone!
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Screams ]
[ Crowd Gasps ]
Ron!
- Ron!
- Mel! Mel! Mel, listen.
Listen, listen, listen. Todd thought
l was going to take his job.
- He wanted to get rid of me,
so he's tried to set me up.
- He what?
- [ Stammering ]
- What were you doing in that room? l saw you!
We were just trying to scare him,
that's all! That's all we were doing.
Mel, you know me. And you know that
l love you. And l would never cheat on you.
Come on. Listen!
This--This weekend...
l have heard nothing-- nothing
but reasons why we should not get married.
You know, that it's-it's--
it's too soon...
that marriage
is a dead institution...
that golf is boring if you play
only one hole the rest of your life.
What are you talking about?
l don't know!
Look, look. Listen, listen.
What l mean is this.
What l'm trying to say is that no matter
what anyone else tells me...
all l can think about is the next time
l get to stare into your eyes.
And if l get a chance to do
that every day for the rest of my life...
that sounds like
a pretty good deal to me.
[ Crowd Sighing, Applauding ]
- l'm ready to elope.
- You're ready to-- [ Laughs ]
l'm sick of this bride-to-be stuff.
l'm ready to elope.
Okay. Are you--Are you serious?
'Cause l think Derek actually knows
a place that-- that we can-- could go.
l am--Actually, l think l know
someone who can help us.
Do you, Ron, take Melinda to be
your lawfully wedded wife?
- l do.
- Do you, Melinda...
take Ron to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
l do.
[ Giggles ]
Way to go, Ron!
- Sorry, Mel.
- lt's okay.
By the power vested in me
and the state of Florida...
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss your bride, Papi.
Oh, thank God.
l'm starving.
Yeah, l could really go for a pizza.
You like pizza?
- [ Laughing ]
- Aloha, welcome!
Aloha back at ya. Last name Rhodes,
checking into the honeymoon suite!
l'm sorry, ma'am. lt appears the honeymoon
suite is booked for another party.
Well, check again.
lt's my honeymoon!
Calvin, tell this man you made the reservation
in the honeymoon suite.
- Baby, the thing is--
- Don't you ''baby'' me!
l didn't wait 1 7 years...
to not have my honeymoon
in the honeymoon suite.
Hi. Checking into the honeymoon suite.
Last name Simmons.
You--
You son of a bitch!
Hey, you. Small world, huh?
l'm gonna kill you!
[ Screaming ]
No, get back! Get back!
You are nuts!
- Get over here, you son of a bitch!
- Mel! Mel!
Get your ass over here!
You son of a bitch!
- That's my ring!
- That was my grandmother's ring!
- You little shit!
- Get away from me!
You need some therapy, woman!