Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my underground lair.
I have gathered here
before me...
the world's
deadliest assassins...
and yet each of you has failed
to kill Austin Powers.
That makes me angry,
and when Dr. Evil gets angry...
Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.
And when Mr. Bigglesworth
gets upset...
people die!
Why must I be surrounded
by fricking idiots?
Mustafa , Frau Farbissina .
I spared your lives
because I need you...
to help me rid the world
of Britaings top secret agent...
the only man
who can stop me now.
We must kill Austin Powers!
Come on, babies.
Work with me, people.
Show me love.
Great, baby!
Oh, behave.
It's Austin Powers!
It's Austin Powers!
Hello, Mrs. Kensington.
Why don't you ever model for me?
You know how Mr. Kensington
feels about that.
Oh, behave.
Yeah, baby!
I'm Basil Exposition
with British Intelligence.
We have just received word
that Dr. Evil...
is planning a trap for you
tonight...
at the Electric Psychedelic
Pussycat Swinger's Club...
here in swinging London.
We'll be there.
There you go. Come on, baby.
Austin , it's a swinging shindig.
It's my happening, baby,
and it freaks me out!
Yeah, man!
Can I get you a drink?
Sure!
Austin ,
we've got to look for Dr. Evil.
Austin ,
Wait. I've got an idea.
Austin! Why on earth
did you hit that woman?
Let me show you, baby.
That ain't no woman.
It's a man, man.
One of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Look out! He's got a knife!
Good work, Mrs. Kensington.
Get up!
Where's Dr. Evil?
Where is he?
There's the bastard.
Let's go.
Coming through.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Not this time.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
See you in the future,
Mr. Powers.
My God! He's freezing himself.
And so Dr. Evil escaped...
and had himself
cryogenically frozen...
to return when free love
no longer reigned...
and greed and corruption
ruled again.
Commander Gilmour?
Speaking.
This is Ritter in
Sou-west Com Three.
We have a potential bogey
with erratic vectoring...
and an unorthodox entry angle.
What are you saying, son?
It appears to be
in the shape of a Big Boy.
Good God. He's back.
In many ways,
the Big Boy never left, sir.
He's always offered
the same high-quality meals...
at competitive prices.
Shut up.
Shall I scramble Tac HQ
for an intercept?
What's its current position?
I'm presently tracking it
over Nevada.
Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone.
Listen, son...
I want you to forget
what you saw here today.
Phillips, call the President.
Prepare the jet,
bring my overnight bag...
and feed my fish.
Not too much.
I'm off to London, England.
Powers volunteered
to have himself frozen...
in case Dr. Evil
should ever return.
I hope your boy's up to it.
We don't want to have to bail
you out again like after WWII.
This is our celebrity vault.
Please.
Who is this Austin Powers?
The ultimate gentleman spy--
irresistible to women...
deadly to his enemies,
a legend in his own time.
Attention. Stage one:
laser cutting begins.
Laser cutting complete.
Stage two: warm liquid
goo phase beginning.
Warm liquid goo phase complete.
Stage three:
reanimation beginning.
Reanimation complete.
Stage four:
cleansing beginning.
Cleansing complete.
Stage five:
evacuation beginning.
Evacuation comp--
Where am I?
In the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997.
You've been cryogenically frozen
for 30 years.
Who are these people?
The shouting
is a temporary side effect...
of the unfreezing process.
Yes. I'm having
difficulty controlling...
the volume of my voice!
This is Commander Gilmour,
U.S. Strategic Command...
and General Borschevsky,
Russian Intelligence.
Russian Intelligence.
Are you mad?
A lot's happened
since you were frozen.
The cold war's over.
Finally, those capitalist pigs
will pay for their crimes.
Eh, comrades?
Austin, we won.
Groovy. Smashing.
Yay, capitalism.
Mr. Powers,
the president's quite concerned.
We've got a madman on the loose
in Nevada.
When do I begin?
Immediately.
You'll be working
with Miss Kensington.
Mrs. Kensington!
Austin, Mrs. Kensington
has long since retired.
Miss Kensington is her daughter.
Here she is.
Vanessa
is one of our top agents.
My God,
Vanessa's got a fabulous body...
and I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because
of the unfreezing process...
I have no inner monologue?
I hope I didn't say that
out loud just now.
Mr. Powers, my job is to
acclimatize you to the nineties.
A lot's changed since 1967.
No doubt, lovely,
but as long as people...
are still having promiscuous sex
with many anonymous partners...
without protection...
while in the same time experimenting
with mind-expanding drugs...
in a consequence-free
environment...
I'll be sound as a pound.
Kensington will get you all setter
so, Austin .
good luck
the world's depending on you
thanks
Thanks
oh, Austin .
be careful
thanks
Danger Powers' personal effects.
Actually,
my name is Austin Powers.
It says here
Name--Danger Powers."
Danger's my middle name.
Austin Danger Powers--
one blue crushed velvet suit...
Hey, all right.
One frilly lace cravat...
There it is.
One silver medallion
with male" symbol...
one pair of Italian boots...
Buon giorno, boys.
One vinyl record album...
Burt Bacharach
plays his hits...
one Swedish-made
penis enlarger pump...
That's not mine.
One credit card receipt for
Swedish-made penis enlarger...
signed by Austin Powers.
I'm telling you, baby,
that's not mine.
One warranty card for Swedish-
made penis enlarger pump...
filled out by Austin Powers.
I don't even know what this is.
This sort of thing
ain't my bag, baby.
One book: Swedish-made
Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me...
(This sort of thing
is my bag, baby)...
by Austin Powers.
Just sign the form.
Don't get heavy, man.
I'll sign it,
just to get things moving.
You're all right, baby.
Listen, Mr. Powers.
I look forward
to working with you...
but do me a favor
and stop calling me baby.
You can address me as...
Agent Kensington.
Oh, come on.
All right, then...Vanessa.
Was that so hard?
Come along.
We have to leave immediately.
We preserved your private jet
just as you left it.
It's waiting
at Heathrow Airport.
My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby!
Sorry.
Quickly.
Come on, lad. Let's go.
Gentlemen,
welcome to my underground lair.
It's been 30 years,
but I'm back.
Everything's gone perfectly
to plan...
except for one small flaw--
due to a technical error
by my henchman Mustafa...
complications arose
in the unfreezing process.
But my design was perfect.
Look what you did
to Mr. Bigglesworth!
But, Dr. Evil, we were unable
to anticipate...
feline complications
to the reanimation process--
Silence!
Let this be
a reminder to you all...
that this organization
will not tolerate failure.
Gentlemen ,
Let's get down to business.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Somebody help me!
I'm still alive,
only I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know...
some of you I'm meeting
for the first time.
Hello up there! Anyone . . . . . .
Could someone call an ambulance?
I'm in quite a lot of pain.
ok . You've all been gathered here
to form--
Excuse me.
He's down there.
No, not dead--burned. Badly.
Right
If somebody could open
the retrieval hatch down here...
I could get out.
I designed this device myself--
Good. I'm glad you found me.
Listen...
I'm very badly burned,
so if you could just--
You shot me!
ok . Moving on--
You shot me right in the arm!
right in the . . . . . .
Right . Let me go around the table
and introduce everyone.
Frau Farbissina .
founder of the militant wing
of the Salvation Army.
Random Task--Korean ex-wrestler,
evil handyman extraordinaire.
Random Task
Show them what you do.
Patty O'Brien--
ex-Irish assassin.
His trademark--
a superstitious man...
he leaves a tiny keepsake
from his good luck bracelet...
on every victim he kills.
Scotland would love to get their hands...
on that piece of evidence.
They're always
after me lucky charms.
Why does everyone always laugh
when I say that?
They are after me lucky charms!
What?
It's a television commercial...
with this cartoon leprechaun...
and all of these children
are trying to chase him--
Hey, leprechaun man!
Won't you give
your Lucky Charms?"
And there's all these
tiny bits of marshmallows...
stuck right in the cereal...
so that when the kids eat them,
they think...
Oh, this is candy.
I'm having fun!"
Finally,
we come to my number-two man.
His name...
Number Two.
For 30 years,
Number Two has run Virtucon...
the legitimate face
of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil,
over the last 30 years...
Virtucon has grown
by leaps and bounds.
About 15 years ago, we changed
from volatile chemicals...
to the communications industry.
We own cable companies
in 38 states.
We own a steel mill
in Cleveland...
shipping in Texas,
oil refineries in Seattle...
and a factory in Chicago...
that makes miniature models
of factories.
Naturally.
Gentlemen...
I have a plan.
It's called blackmail.
As you know, the royal family
of Britain...
are the wealthiest landowners
in the world.
Either the royal family
pays us...
an exorbitant amount of money...
or we make it seem
that Prince Charles...
has had an affair
outside of marriage...
and therefore,
would have to divorce.
Prince Charles
did have an affair...
he admitted it,
and they are now divorced.
OK, people, you have to tell me
these things.
I've been frozen for 30 years.
Throw me a fricking bone here.
I'm the boss. Need the info.
No problem.
Here's my second plan.
In the sixties, I developed
a weather-changing machine...
a sophisticated heat beam
which we called a laser."
Using these lasers,"
we punch a hole...
in the protective layer
around the world...
which we call the ozone" layer.
Slowly, ultraviolet rays
would pour in...
increasing
the risk of skin cancer.
That is, unless the world
pays us a hefty ransom.
That also already has happened.
Shit.
Hell, let's just do
what we always do--
hijack some nuclear weapons
and hold the world hostage.
Gentlemen,
it's come to my attention...
a breakaway Russian republic,
Kreplachistan...
is about to transfer
a nuclear warhead...
to the United Nations
in a few days.
Here's the plan.
We get the warhead
and hold the world ransom for...
one million dollars!
Don't you think
we should maybe ask...
for more
than a million dollars?
A million dollars isn't exactly
a lot of money these days.
Virtucon alone
makes over $9 billion a year.
Really?
That's a lot more.
OK, then.
We hold the world ransom for...
one hundred billion dollars!
Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?
When you see this jet
a-rocking...
don't come a-knocking, baby!
I'm going to need you to sign
these release forms.
Release forms?
You're not officially working
for Ministry of Defense...
and these forms indemnify
the ministry against...
any mishaps that may occur
in the line of duty.
Mishaps?
But isn't that what being...
an international
man of mystery's all about?
Name--Austin...Danger Powers.
Sex--yes, please!
How does a hot chick like you...
end up working
at the Ministry of Defense?
Well, I went to Oxford...
where I excelled
in several subjects...
but I ended up specializing
in foreign languages.
I really wanted to travel.
You know,
sort of see the world?
That's fascinating.
Why don't we go in the back
and shag?
What?
I've been frozen for 30 years.
I've gotta see if my bits
and pieces are still working.
Excuse me?
My wedding tackle.
I'm sorry--
My meat and two veg,
my twig and berries.
Hello, lads, you still awake?
Mr. Powers, please.
I'd appreciate it if you could
concentrate on our mission...
and give your libido a rest.
Can I show you something?
I won't bite...hard.
All right.
Let me ask you a question,
and be honest.
Do I make you horny?
Randy?
I hope this is part
of the unfreezing process.
Oh, turbulence! Look at that!
I've gone over!
Oh, I fell over again!
Mr.Powers !
I will never
have sex with you, ever!
If you were
the last man on Earth...
and I was
the last woman on Earth...
and the future
of the human race...
depended on our having sex
simply for procreation...
I still would not
have sex with you.
What's your point?
Remember when we froze
your semen?
You said if it didn't look
like you were coming back...
we should try
to make you a son...
so that a part of you
could live forever.
Sure.
After a couple of years,
we got a little impatient.
Dr. Evil,
I want you to meet your son.
My son?
Yeah
Scott !
Hello , Scott .
Hi .
I'm your father.
Dr. Evil .
I haven't seen you
my whole life...
and now you come back
and just expect a relationship?
I hate you.
What?
Could I have a hug?
No .
-Give me a hug.
-No way.
I'm not coming over there.
-Let's go.
-Forget it.
-Pronto.
-What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip.
Don't look at me
like I'm fricking Frankenstein.
Give your father a hug.
Hey, don't touch me!
Hug...
Get away from me,
you lazy-eyed psycho!
Viva Las Vegas, baby!
Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.
So, which side of the bed
do you want?
You're sleeping on the sofa.
In fact,
I'd like to remind you...
that the only reason
we're sharing a room...
is to keep up the context...
that we're
a married couple on vacation.
Shall we shag now,
or shall we shag later?
How do you like to do it?
Do you like to wash up first...
you know, top and tails,
whore's bath?
Before I'm on the job, I like
to give my undercarriage...
a bit of a how's-your-father.
I'm just joking.
I'm just trying
to get a rise out of you...
for shits and giggles.
Let's unpack.
Blimey...
nerd alert!
How did this get in here?
Somebody's
playing a prank on me.
Honestly, it's not mine.
Hey, Americans!
Enjoy that wine.
There you are.
Do I know you?
No, but that's where you are.
You're there.
Viva Las Vegas, baby.
Austin , There's a company
in Las Vegas called Virtucon...
which we think may be linked to Dr. Evil.
Plenty of Virtucon executives
are gambling in this casino.
Smashing. Let's go.
Look ,
There's one over there.
Changing a thousand.
Hello
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I join you?
Not at all.
The game is blackjack,
gentlemen.
Ten thousand dollars
minimum bet.
King for you, sir,
and a three for you.
Seventeen?
Hit me.
You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Four. Twenty-one.
Five.
I'll stay.
I suggest you hit, sir.
I also like to live dangerously.
As you wish, sir.
Twenty beats your five.
I'm sorry, sir.
I won't lie to you.
Cards are not my bag, baby.
Allow myself to introduce...
myself.
My name is Richie Cunningham,
and this is my wife Oprah.
My name is Number Two.
This is my Italian
confidential secretary.
Her name is Alotta...
Alotta Fagina.
Come again?
Alotta Fagina.
I'm just not getting it.
It sounded like you said
your name was a lot of...
Never mind.
What exactly do you do,
Mr. Number Two?
That's my business.
If you'll excuse me, I have
to go to the little boys' room.
You keep your eye
on the Italian bird.
We'll rendezvous
back at the hotel suite.
You didn't happen to see...
anything at all?
Sorry.
Howdy.
That is one crazy getup
you got there, fella.
Thank you.
Are you in the show?
No, actually, I'm English.
I'm sorry.
Hey, partner?
Have a good one.
OK
Partner, relax. Don't force it.
Gonna blow out your o-ring,
drop a lung.
Who does Number Two work for?
Who does Number Two work for?
That's right, buddy.
You show that turd who's boss.
Grab a hold of something,
bite your lip, and give it hell.
We're gonna get through this.
That sounds pretty nasty.
How about
a courtesy flush over there?
Jesus Christ, boy.
What did you eat?
Gentlemen...
the warhead is ours.
Patch me through...
to the United Nations
security secret meeting room.
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
In a while you'll notice...
the Kreplachistani warhead
has gone missing.
If you want it back, you're
going to have to pay me...
one million dollars!
Sorry.
One hundred billion dollars.
Gentlemen, silence.
Now, Mr. Evil--
Dr. Evil.
I didn't spend six years
in evil medical school...
to be called mister,
thank you very much.
It is the policy
of the United Nations...
not to negotiate
with terrorists.
Really?
So long.
Gentlemen, in exactly five days,
we will be $100 billion richer.
hello mum , hello Vanessa
How's Austin?
He's asleep.
You didn't.
No .
I made him sleep on the sofa.
Vanessa, I'm proud of you.
Why?
Because you've managed to
resist austin powers charges .
God knows he tried, mummy.
I actually had to end up
being rather firm with him.
It's really bizarre.
What about his teeth?
You have to understand,
in Britain in the sixties...
you could be a sex symbol
and still have bad teeth.
It didn't matter.
how did you get that ?
Once Austin has its charm
its impossible to get out
Did you ever?
Me? No, of course not.
I was married to your father.
Did you ever want to?
did you ?
Austin is very charming...
very debonair.
He's handsome, witty...
has a knowledge of fine wines.
Women want him,
and men want to be him.
He's every bit an international
man of mystery.
You didn't answer my question.
I know.
Let me just say this--
Austin was the most loyal in London
I will always love him.
Do you want to speak to him?
No. It's been too long.
I'm going to have to go,
but I love you.
Ciao, darling.
A limo's just pulled up.
Let me see.
That's Dr. Evil's cat.
How can you tell?
I never forget a pussy...
cat.
Oh, no. He's gone away.
My God, Vanessa,
you are so incredibly beautiful.
That's it.
Yes .
Come on, darling...
I'm gonna take you out
for a night on the town.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Burt Bacharach.
What the world...
Needs now...
Is love...
Sweet love.
No, not just for some...
But everyone.
Austin, get on with it.
I'm going to do it.
Right hand green!
You all right?
You know what?
Wait a tick.
I forgot something in the lobby.
Why don't I take the stairs?
Why take the stairs
when I could take the escalator?
Why take the escalator when
I've got a perfectly good canoe?
I know what--
I'll take the elevator.
Come have some champagne
with me.
Ok .
Oh, I tripped.
I haven't had
this much fun since college.
I'm sorry.
Why?
I'm sorry that bug up your ass
had to die.
Always wanting to have fun,
Austin , that's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell.
Help! I'm in a nutshell!
How did I get
into this nutshell?
Look at the size
of this bloody great big--
What sort of shell
has a nut like this?
This is crazy.
Look at you.
You're smashed.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm the sensible one.
I'm always
the designated driver.
Kiss me.
I can't, darling.
Why not ?
You're drunk. It's not right.
I'm not drunk.
I'm just beginning to see...
what my mummy was talking about
all those years ago.
I can't.
Tell me all about my mummy
in the sixties.
I'm dying to know
what she was like.
She was very groovy.
Your dad loved her very much.
If there was one other cat
in this world...
that could have loved her...
and treated her as well
as your dad it was me.
But unfortunately
for yours truly...
that train has sailed.
Vanessa .
Come on, roll over.
Sleepy time.
Austin needs his hand back.
You got a mail .
Hello , Austin .
This is Basil Exposition
from British Intelligence.
I want you to find out
what part Virtucon plays...
in something called
Project Vulcan.
Go to Alotta Fagina's
penthouse immediately.
Great.
Project Vulcan
Cheeky, huh?
Come on, baby, give it to me.
You seem surprised to see me,
Miss Fagina.
What do you want...
Mr. Cunningham, was it?
Please .
Call me Richee
Miss Fagina .
Your boss, Number Two...
I understand that cat's involved
in big underground drills.
How did you know?
I didn't, baby.
You just told me.
It's for the mining industry .
Mrs. Cunningham .
We can talk
about business later.
Let me slip
into something more comfortable.
Oh, behave.
Good God.
Come in...
and I'll show you
everything you need to know.
May I wash you?
Groovy, baby.
That feels yummy.
In Japan, men come first,
and women come second.
Or sometimes not at all.
Care for some sak?
Sak?it to me, baby.
Klinky.
Klinky.
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
I feel extreme relaxation.
How dare you
break wind before me?
I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was your turn.
Pardon me for being rude.
It was my food.
It just popped up
to say hello...
and now it's gone
back down below.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
What exactly do you do ?
I'll telling you all in your time .
But first .
Let's make love...
you silly hairy little man.
That's the spot, all right.
That's the spot right there.
Look at that, now.
Austin Powers
is getting too close.
Any suggestions?
I have created the ultimate
weapon to defeat Austin Powers.
Bring in the fembots!
Go, fembots!
These are the latest word
in android replicant technology.
Lethal, efficient, brutal.
No man can resist their charm.
Send in the guards!
Kill these women.
Are you ready boots ?
Start working !
Quite impressive.
Thank you, herr doctor.
I like to see girls
of that...caliber.
By caliber, of course...
I mean both the size
of their gun barrels...
and the high quality
of their character.
It's two meanings.
Caliber--it's a homonym.
Forget it.
At ease, boys.
Austin ,
I want to show you something.
We're going
to outfit you with this.
It looks like a watch,
but, in fact...
it's a geosynchronous
positioning device.
Very shagadelic.
And then there's this.
Let me guess.
The floss is garrote wire...
the toothpaste
is plastic explosives...
and the toothbrush
is the detonation device.
No, actually.
Since you've been frozen, there
have been fabulous advances...
in the field of dentistry.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Here's Basil.
Hello Exposition .
Let me bring you up to speed.
Dr. Evil has hijacked
a nuclear warhead...
from Kreplachistan.
Only two things scare me,
and one is nuclear war.
What's the other?
Excuse me?
What's the other thing
that scares you?
Carnies.
What ?
Circus folk.
Nomads, you know.
Smell like cabbage.
Small hands.
Indeed.
Perhaps these photographs are
the last piece of the puzzle.
I've uncovered the details
of Project Vulcan.
Oh, good God.
An underground missile?
Austin .
Where did you find these?
Austin did some reconnaissance
work last night...
at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.
Our next move
is to infiltrate Virtucon.
Any ideas?
Oh yes .
Virtucon runs a tour
of its facility every hour.
I thought we could disguise
ourselves as tourists...
and do some
on-site reconnaissance.
Top drawer, Kensington.
Austin,
I'd like you to meet somebody.
Austin ,
This is my mother--
Mrs. Exposition.
How do you do?
My God, man, what have you done?
That's not your mother.
It's a man, baby!
Get off! Come on!
Why won't this wig come off?
Austin !
Hold on one second.
Austin !
No ! No !
Let go of my mother!
Are you all right?
Austin, have you gone mad?
You have
a lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry.
I thought she was a man.
Damn it,
you're talking about my mother!
You have to admit,
she is rather mannish.
No offense,
but if that is a woman...
it does look like she was beaten
with an ugly stick.
Really, Austin.
Give in to the beauty of
your feelings and say the words.
Come on.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, son.
Ok . Group, we have some newcomers
here today with us.
Say hello to Scott
and his father Mr...Avil?
Evil, actually.
Dr. Evil
Hello Dr.Evil , Hello Scott .
Hello, everybody.
Scott,
why don't we start with you?
What brings you here
with us today?
I just really met my dad
for the first time 5 days ago.
I was partially frozen
his whole life.
That is beautiful
that you can admit to that.
He comes back and wants me to
take over the family business.
But, Scott, who's going to
take over the world when I die?
Listen to the words he used--
Who's going to take over
the world when I die?"
It feels like that to some of us
sometimes, doesn't it?
So . What do you want to do, Scott?
I don't know.
I was thinking I like animals.
Maybe I'd be a vet.
An evil vet?
No.
Maybe work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
You always do that!
I think he hates me.
I really think
he wants to kill me.
Scott, we don't want
to kill each other in here.
We might say
that we do sometimes...
but we really don't.
Actually,
the boy's quite astute.
I really am trying to kill him,
but, so far, unsuccessfully.
He's quite wily,
like his old man.
This is what I'm talking about.
Ok.
We've heard from you, Scott.
Now you tell us something
about yourself.
The details of my life
are quite inconsequential.
Oh no. Please.
Let's hear about your childhood.
-Yeah.
-Come on.
Very well. Where do I begin?
My father was
a relentlessly self-improving...
boulangerie owner
from Belgium...
with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a 15-year-old
French prostitute named Chloe...
with webbed feet.
My father would womanize, drink.
He would make
outrageous claims...
Like he invented
the question mark.
Sometimes he would accuse
chestnuts of being lazy...
the sort of general malaise...
that only the genius possess
and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical--
summers in Rangoon,
luge lessons.
In the spring,
we'd make meat helmets.
When I was insolent...
I was placed in a burlap bag
and beaten with reeds.
Pretty standard, really.
At the age of 12,
I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14,
a Zoroastrian named Vilma...
which is ritualistically
shaved my testicles.
There really is nothing
like a shorn scrotum.
It's breathtaking.
I suggest you try it.
You know, we have to stop.
Austin,
can I have a word with you?
Of course you may, luv.
I know I'm being neurotic,
but I can't shake off...
this suspicious feeling
about that Italian secretary.
You know, Miss Fagina.
I don't want
to sound paranoid...
but I've had some
bad relationships in the past...
and I have been known
to be jealous.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, baby.
You're right to be suspicious.
I shagged her.
What?
I shagged her rotten, baby!
I don't believe you.
She was repellent.
Saucer of milk, table two.
But did you use protection?
Of course. I had
my nine-millimeter automatic.
I meant did you use a condom?
Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Not in the nineties.
Well, they should,
those filthy beggars.
They go from port to port.
Don't have a thrombo.
Alotta meant nothing to me.
It means something to me.
If you want us
to have a relationship...
get it into your head
that times have changed.
You can't just go off
shagging anybody anymore.
And if you could, I wouldn't,
because I'm not like that.
Vanessa .
You're everything to me.
You just don't get it, do you?
Good night, Austin.
Welcome to the nineties.
You're going to be very lonely.
Check this guy out.
Peace.
Jimi Hendrix--deceased.
Drugs.
Janis Joplin.
Deceased, alcohol.
Mama Cass.
Deceased, ham sandwich.
That's great.
Is the lighting halfway decent?
Yes, indeed.
They got the flag up now.
You can see
the stars and stripes.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Good morning, Austin.
I sometimes forget...
you've missed out
on the last 30 years.
Fall of the Berlin Wall...
the first female
British Prime Minister...
end of apartheid.
Yeah, and I can't believe
Liberace was gay.
I mean, women loved him.
I didn't see that one coming.
The tour is about to begin...
so if you'll please
take your seats...
Welcome to Virtucon,
company of the future.
Virtucon is a leading
manufacturer of many items...
you can find
right in your very own home.
Do you think
she's prettier than me?
Who?
You know who.
Oh, the Italian bird.
No, baby. She's rancid.
I think you're shagadelic, baby.
You're switched on.
You're smashing.
We make steel,
petroleum products...
and volatile chemicals.
But don't worry about the Italian bird.
Ok ?
She's the village bicycle.
Everyone's had a ride.
On your right,
you'll notice a door...
Leading to a restricted area.
Only authorized
personnel are allowed...
I'll take him.
You take her.
Let's go.
Look there's a guard .
Don't worry baby .
All right , watch me .
Can I have restricted area admitted card
for my identification , please ?
Everything seems to be in order .
Everything seems to be in order .
It's fantastic .
I'm going to go across this restricted area .
I'm going to go across this restricted area .
Austin , let's go
Here , how about piece of gum ?
Here , how about piece of gum ?
It's Bolton.
We've got a problem.
Intruders in the complex.
Intruders in the complex.
Watch out.
-Halt.
-This way.
Judo chop!
They're coming!
Hang on. I'm going to floor it.
Watch out. Move!
Careful, Austin.
No !
Watch out!
Thank goodness we made it.
Allright .
Stay very cool, baby.
Mr . Powers
Welcome to my underground lair.
You're just in time.
Enjoy the show.
Gentlemen,
I give you the Vulcan...
the world's most powerful
subterranean drill.
Does that make you horny?
Not now, Austin.
So powerful, it can penetrate
the earth's crust...
delivering
a 50-kiloton nuclear warhead...
deep into the liquid
hot core of the planet.
Upon detonation, every volcano
on earth will erupt.
It seems we have no choice
but to pay your ransom.
You have my instructions.
Bye-bye.
Check it out, butt-head.
This chick has three boobs.
How many butts does she have?
Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes?
Mr.Powes .
I designed them myself.
Scott, my boy, how are you?
How was your day?
My friend Sweet Jay took me
to that video arcade in town.
They don't speak English,
so Jay got into a fight...
and he's all, Quit hassling me
'cause I don't speak French."
And then the guy
says something in Paris talk...
and I'm like, Just back off."
And they're all, Get out."
And we're like, Make me."
It was cool.
Fascinating.
What are your plans
for this evening?
I thought I'd stay in.
There's a good titty movie
on Skinimax.
And that's how you'd like
to live your life?
What?
Scott, I want you to meet
Daddy's nemesis Austin Powers.
Are you feeding him?
Why don't you just kill him?
No, Scott .
I have an even better idea.
I'm going to place him in
an easily escapable situation...
involving an overly
elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you
just shoot him now?
I'll go get a gun.
We'll shoot him together.
It'll be fun. Bang!
Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you
and you are grounded, mister...
and I am not joking.
All right. Let's begin.
Dr.Evil
Do you really expect them to pay?
No , Mr. Power .
I expect them to die.
Even after they pay me
the money...
I'm still going to melt
every city on the planet...
with liquid hot magma.
Release the sharks!
Mr. Powers
You'll notice that all the sharks...
have laser beams
attached to their heads.
I figure every creature
deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks.
When you were frozen...
they were put
on the endangered species list.
We tried to get some...
but it would've taken months
to clear up the red tape.
You know .
I have one simple request...
and that is to have sharks...
with fricking laser beams
attached to their heads!
Evidently, my cycloptic
colleague informs me...
that that can't be done.
Can you remind me
what I pay you people for?
Honestly, throw me a bone here.
What do we have?
Sea bass.
Right .
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Absolutely.
That's a start.
All right, guard...
begin the unnecessarily
slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Close the tank!
Aren't you even
going to watch them?
They could get away.
No .
I'm going to leave them alone...
and not actually witness
them dying.
I'm just going to assume
it all went to plan.
I have a gun in my room.
You give me five seconds,
I'll get it.
I'll come back, boom!
I'll blow their brains out.
Scott .
You just don't get it, do you?
You don't.
It's no hassle.
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
Let me tell you a little story
about a man named shh!"
Even before you start,
that was a preemptive shh!"
Just know I have a whole bag
of shh" with your name on it.
What's your plan?
First, I plan to soil myself...
then I'm going to regroup
and come up with a new plan.
Any thoughts?
Wait a minute.
I always have this with me,
just in case.
I get it. I have bad teeth.
No, Austin. The floss is to
swing ourselves onto the ledge.
All right. Hold on.
Got it.
Ok. Toothpaste.
Judo chop!
Hang on!
Judo trip.
Not a good time
to lose one's head.
Indeed.
That's not the way to get ahead in life.
No .
It's a shame
he wasn't more headstrong.
He'll never be
the head of a major corporation.
Ok
That'll do.
What are we going to do?
There's an emergency exit.
Go get help.
I'm going to stay here
and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.
Ok .
I'll hurry back.
Whatever happens,
I want you to know...
that I feel really bad
about that Italian bird.
What I'm trying to say is...
that if you want me
to be a one-woman man...
that's just groovy, baby.
Behave.
Come, everyone.
Let us repair
to the main chamber.
Project Vulcan
is about to begin.
Scott, don't you want to see
what Daddy does for a living?
Blow me.
Excuse me?
Show me.
Ok .
Position the Vulcan.
Bring in the warhead.
Hello . Hello Mr. Powers
Care to have a little fun?
No, actually...
I have to save the world.
Is it cold in here?
Arm the probe.
No ! No ! I've got to get Dr. Evil.
I've got to get Dr. Evil.
Baseball, cold showers.
Give it up, Mr. Powers.
Margaret Thatcher
naked on a cold day.
Margaret Thatcher bN
Gentlemen.
Let's lock and load.
Right, lads.
-Don't go.
-Stay with us.
Please don't go.
You can't resist us.
Mr. Powers
Au contraire, baby.
I think you can't resist me.
Austin .
Vanessa .
It's not what it seems.
At ease, boys.
Likewise.
Vanessa, I can explain.
What happened was I broke in
trying to get to Dr. Evil.
Then all of a sudden,
the fembots came by...
and smoke started to come
out of their jumblies.
So I thought I'd work my mojo
to counter their mojo.
We got cross-mojonations, and
their heads started exploding.
You know, that thing, and I
ended up in my knickers here...
Ok . Austin .
I believe you.
Now get dressed.
Smashing, baby.
Onward, boys.
Launching
the subterranean probe.
Begin initial
surface penetration.
Subterranean nuclear detonation
in three minutes and counting.
Watch out!
Right front!
Subterranean nuclear detonation
in three minutes and counting.
Oh, I tripped!
Open the fricking door!
Probe destruction
beginning in...
Judo! Judo!
Abort.
Now to Dr. Evil.
Din-din.
I want chicken, I want liver.
Meow Mix, Meow Mix,
please deliver.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Well done, Mr. Powers.
We're not so different,
you and I.
However, isn't it ironic,
the very things you stand for...
free love, swinging parties,
are all now in the nineties...
considered to be...evil?
No , man .What we swingers
were rebelling against...
is uptight squares like you...
whose bag
was money and world domination.
We were innocent, man.
If we'd known the consequences
of our sexual liberation...
we would have done things
differently...
but the spirit
would've remained the same.
It's freedom, baby.
Face it.
Freedom failed.
No, man, freedom didn't fail.
Right now, we've got freedom
and responsibility.
It's a very groovy time.
There's nothing more pathetic
than an aging hipster.
All right, baldy.
Shut your cakehole.
Come on. Let's go.
On your bike.
Not so fast.
It seems the tables have turned,
Mr. Powers.
Go ahead, Austin.
Don't worry about me.
I can take my Sega, right, Dad?
It seems the tables
have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Not really.
Kill the little bastard.
See what I care.
But, Dad, we just had
a breakthrough in group.
I had the group liquidated,
you little shit.
They were insolent.
I hate you!
I wish I was never
artificially created in a lab.
Scott, that hurts Daddy
when you say that, honestly.
Number Two
Your timing is impeccable.
Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.
No .
What?
Dr. Evil, I've spent
turning this two-bit
evil empire...
into a world-class
multinational.
I was going to have
a cover story in Forbes.
But, you, like an idiot,
wanted to take over the world...
and you don't realize
there is no world anymore.
It's only corporations.
Silence, Number Two!
No .
I've had enough of you
pushing me around.
Mr. Powers I have a business proposition
you might find very interesting.
All right. I've had enough.
Judo chop!
The complex will self-destruct.
Let's split! Let's go!
This place is going to blow!
The complex will self-destruct.
This way, Austin.
Come on, baby! It's gonna blow!
Let's go. Move it!
I love you, Mr. Powers.
And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
That'll be Basil Exposition.
Ignore it, Austin.
Come back to bed.
Duty calls, baby.
Hello Austin .
I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon.
No, not at all, Basil.
Did you get that fruit basket
I sent you?
Yes, we did, Basil,
but you sent too much.
I'm gonna have
to send some to my mother.
Don't forget these.
Thanks.
There you go.
Did you get my other gift?
We did.
Yes, Basil, nice rack.
But who in the world
gave us this drawing?
It's bizarre.
As you know, Dr. Evil
has escaped in his rocket...
which has disappeared
from our tracking system.
Hold on. Coffee?
Oh ,yes please .
And, Vanessa, by the way,
you have been made a full agent.
That's fantastic! Thanks.
Milk?
Yes , please .
And, Austin, Her Majesty
the Queen informs me...
that you are to be knighted.
Very shagadelic!
The best of luck
to both of you!
Thanks, Basil.
You know, Vanessa...
I'll never forget
the first time I saw you.
You were so
incredibly beautiful...
so incredibly sexy...
I knew I had to have you...
right then and there.
Did you feel the same way?
Actually, I couldn't stop
staring at your teeth.
I ordered some champagne.
Come in!
Lovely, Austin.
Right over there's fine.
Thank you.
Let's go out on the terrace.
It's a beautiful night.
We can look at the stars.
Smashing idea, baby.
Look at you.
Look out!
That really hurt!
I'm going to have a lump there,
you idiot.
Who throws a shoe? Honestly.
You fight like a woman.
Austin .
Honestly, it's not mine.
No, use it.
Smashing .
Look how beautiful
the night sky is.
Isn't that the Big Dipper?
Yeah, and that looks
just like Uranus.
I've never seen
that big star before.
What is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you,
Austin Powers.
It's fricking freezing
in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
The End