Some people wouldn't
know their ass
from an air
conditioner.
Take Mr. Smolensky.
Despite overwhelming
stupidity,
his death certificate
will say "accident."
Billy Conway, on the
other hand, was smart.
Still, with all
his intelligence,
Billy thought
Mr. Smolensky
was dancing.
Billy's
commonsense prevailed,
but commonsense is
never enough to keep
you safe, my friends.
Because the world is,
quite simply, dangerous.
Gloria Conway
would have never
forgiven herself
if something had
happened to one
of her children.
Mrs. Smolensky held
no such concern
for her husband.
He had been
a philanderer
and a drunk,
and she considered his
death a welcome divorce.
Sometimes bad
things can happen
for a good reason.
And sometimes,
things just happen.
The Conways
were your average,
unremarkable family.
They rallied around Billy
after the neighbors
incineration,
and in the evening
they enjoyed a
movie together.
I didn't know there
was anybody behind me.
Billy felt safe between his
twin brothers, Gene and Larry.
They weren't bothered at all
because they had once
witnessed a motorcycle
stunt go horribly wrong.
Linda felt snug
next to her Dad.
And while Ray Conway
was a good father,
it was Gloria who took
most responsibility for
the family's wellbeing.
The Three Stooges
was her idea.
If she were more
flexible, she'd be
kicking herself right now.
Don't go away, Moe.
Gene had an uncanny
talent for mischief,
and his concern for Billy
inspired his most
daring prank yet.
Billy, come on down.
Where the hell is Gene?
And when Douglas Post arrived,
the stage was set.
Hey, Gene, wait for me.
It's just a movie, yeah?
It's just all make
believe, okay?
Did you find Gene?
He's disappeared.
And Little Lord Bad
Influence just flew
by on his bike.
Doug was off limits
after he and Gene drove
the Principal's car
into the school
swimming pool.
But still, nobody
expected this.
Wow.
Like a big potato.
Hey, Doug.
Just in time to see
all hell break loose.
What are you gonna do?
Im gonna pee.
Oh, my God.
I swear to God,
if shit were brains,
that kid would eat
his head for dinner.
Yeah!
Gloria didn't
just turn a phrase.
She flipped it on
its back and kicked
the shit out of it.
Eugene Conway!
You get down from there
now before I turn your
little ass into a--
Gene and Doug got
into serious trouble.
Three police cars came,
but it was worth it
because Billy had forgotten
all about the dead neighbor
humping the sprinkler.
So, what did the cops
have to say, Mr. Moviemagic?
They said that Moe
was a friend of theirs,
and if I peed out
of his head again
they'd shoot me.
What are we gonna
do with him?
Give him to the Jehovah
Witnesses next time they
come around for a donation.
There's a lot
of asphalt out there.
Slow down. It's raining.
I am slowed down.
Slow down more.
And don't think
for one second,
little Mr. Big Deal,
you're playing in
the championships
this weekend.
But Ma!
Don't "Ma" me.
I don't remember giving
birth to a horse's ass.
But we'll lose!
Not if you play
as good as Gene.
Shut up, Billy.
Stop it!
Leave us alone.
Im not hurting anyone!
Billy, careful!
What are you doing?
Accidents happen
when you least expect.
Care, vigilance and
luck cannot prevent them.
Although seatbelts
in this instance would
have certainly helped.
Accidents are
a fact of life,
and very bad accidents
have a charming way
of not seeming real.
For every tragic accident,
there is a good luck story.
But that balance
can take years to occur.
And that's the way
it was with the Conways.
Linda had died,
and Gene was in
a nursing home.
Billy came here to
remember happier times,
but they were getting
harder to recall.
I n your room with
those. Dinner's ready.
Why so early?
Did you forget you have
baseball practice?
I was trying to.
What are we having?
Ah, dinner.
I told you.
I mean what, exactly?
I don't think it's
anything exactly.
Tell Larry it's ready.
Can't we leave
a plate by his door?
You want a riot?
Larry! It's feeding time.
Larry grew up lost.
He didn't really
have much choice.
Being Gene's twin
was all he had
going for him.
You've outdone yourself.
Do me a favor, will you?
Hit your goddamn
father over the head
with a baseball bat.
Each member of
the family developed
their own way to cope.
Billy learned
not to feel,
which clearly
had its benefits.
Ray didn't cope.
He walked out.
Most of Billy's contact
with him now involved
head wounds.
And Gloria struggled
to put the past
behind her.
It was not
uncommon to find Linda's
furniture in the yard.
Mrs. Smolensky
should have been
an example to them.
She had gotten over
her husband long ago.
Buster Bill!
Oh, my goodness,
are you all right?
It's nothing,
Mrs. Smolensky.
Just my natural
charm revealing itself.
Billy was showing off
his baseball skills.
It was quite a display.
Ma?
Hi. I'm Dottie.
Douglas Post's mother.
I found your mother
in the front yard.
She's been having--
Billy!
Hey, Im fine.
I just, I strained
myself trying to move--
Hello.
Oh, my God, look.
It's the spokesmen for
the Useless Bastards Club.
What brings you here?
Uh--
Come here.
Let me see.
God. Jesus.
He was supposed
to crack you with the bat.
Just trying
to show Dad how
much I love baseball.
So, let me be clear.
If this happens in
a practice session,
what the hell are
you gonna do to him
in a real game?
It was an accident.
Are you all right?
You mean speaking
of accidents?
Gloria, don't start.
My husband
wants a divorce.
Yeah, he wants
to move on.
Start a new wife.
Billy.
Oh, I guess you didn't
find a really good
time to tell him.
I mean, what, with
the concussion and all.
Billy, Im sorry.
Im sorry. Im so stupid.
I think it would be
best for everybody.
Don't mind
my husband here.
He has his head
rammed so far up
his ass,
that every time he blinks,
it tickles his fancy.
Where's Larry?
We could use a hand!
Not here.
Is he visiting Gene?
If you did that
once in a while, you
might feel better.
And if my grandmother
had balls, she'd be
my grandfather.
You leave that!
Don't you touch
it. Put it down.
Billy can take
care of it. We
don't need you.
Oh, do me
one favor, though.
On your way out,
could you please, please,
take the time to trip over
your dead daughter's bicycle?
Are you okay?
Should I call
an ambulance?
No. Call the National Guard.
This, I think,
qualifies as
a disaster.
Im gonna take your
mother to the hospital.
She's having female problems.
What do you mean?
You can stay
at my house.
I don't think
that's a good idea.
Im not staying with Dad.
Is that, uh, son of
yours, is he still
causing problems?
Do you want
my help or not?
Gloria didn't
like taking help.
It made her feel
vulnerable, and that
frightened her.
And Dottie's help
had brought Billy
into contact
with Gene's old
friend, Douglas Post.
The Columbia
engines will be--
It's not every day
you get to see
history happen.
Dottie! Im empty!
History is not happening.
It happened the other day.
Don't wise off, Doug.
They got back alive.
That's what Im trying
to tell you.
Hey, you, play nice
in front of our guest.
Yeah, the other day!
When they made history.
If Columbus didn't
make it back after
he discovered America,
we wouldn't be sitting
here watching this
on TV.
Isn't that right, Billy?
Your TV's really nice.
We would too be sitting here,
'cause someone else would've
discovered America.
You're not
listening to me, Doug.
Look, it's the
invention of the wheel,
Christ and all
that business,
the discovery of
America by Columbus,
the discovery
of gravity,
World War I,
World War II,
and the moon landing.
That's the history
of the world so far.
Oh, this isn't
still on, is it?
What a yawn festival.
Can't we watch Dallas?
We're watching this.
In the early days
of our republic,
Americans watched
Yankee clippers fly
across the sky--
You know Billy Conway from
over at Providence Court?
What happened?
Got hit by a baseball.
Ew.
Gene wasn't expected
to survive the crash,
though it was
debatable that he had.
He could breathe,
and swallow.
He didn't even
have a sexy nurse.
And if that
wasn't bad enough,
Larry would
sneak in, drunk.
Alcohol helped fuel
Larry's hope that a
miracle might occur.
Being with Doug
helped Billy remember
a life before the accident.
Gene and Doug had
been great together,
whether they were
playing baseball
or turning The Three
Stooges into five.
And with the memories
came hope that life
could be fun again.
Doug. Doug.
You were snoring.
Im sorry.
You miss Gene?
You should try and
get some sleep.
Were you there the time
he built the toilet paper
wall across Miami Court?
Yeah.
My ass got kicked
around the living
room because of it.
Now I call it
the barely living room.
Man, that was intense.
You're not serious.
My father, he tore
through it in his car
'cause he thought
it was toilet paper.
But it wasn't.
Gene strung wire
across too and ripped
the windshield wipers off.
Have you been
to see him lately?
It's only family allowed.
Really? That sucks.
Well, you're not
gonna take that lying
down, are you?
Hurry up!
Older brother
Restless soul
Lie down
Quick.
Lie for a while with your
Ear against the earth
The buzzer.
And you'll hear
Your sister sleep
Talking say
Your hair is long
But not long enough
To reach
Quick, quick, quick.
Home to me
And she'll wake up
Ina cold sweat on
The floor
Next to a family
Portrait drawn when
You were four
Thank you.
How thoughtful.
Oh, yeah!
Doug!
Where are you?
Shit!
Whoa.
All right, Im out.
Run!
Hey, bub.
There you are.
Wasn't that fun
the other night?
It was hysterical.
Hey, hang on.
Doug's really cool.
We've been out every night.
The other night--
Gene?
God, Gene.
Hey, Gene, it's me,
Billy. Im here.
Nurse!
Don't listen to
anything he says, Gene.
It says here that
he's a little pussy.
Lucky you don't
have to live with him.
Good one, dickhead.
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.
Sorry. Sorry.
Mom's in the
hospital, Gene.
They took a lot
of her female stuff out,
like her Filipino tubes.
Everything except
her Mildred.
That's what Doug
calls her pussy.
Gross, huh?
She's okay, though.
She might not come
see you for a while.
She'll be a bit shaky.
Might not?
She's not coming.
She's happy finally
'cause she's got
an excuse.
You can get she'll
be milking it.
From General
Aluminum Products--
If that's the doctor,
tell him I want my
uterus back.
Hello?
Who's this?
They hung up.
Just as well. I've
got static to watch.
The Posts have
a really nice TV.
Yeah. They also
have a shit for
brains son
who wouldn't know
his ass from an
exit sign.
Well, we got Larry.
The phone call was some
guy asking if I wanted
to sneak out with him later.
It wasn't your
boyfriend, was
it, Billy?
More like your
imaginary friend.
Well, which one?
That's right.
Larry's only
got one.
How would you two
like to go live with your
good-for-nothing father?
Larry would.
Oh, hi. Billy.
Everything all right?
Yeah. My mom's
doing a lot better.
I just wanna thank
you for helping out.
It was really nice
of you. My mom really
appreciated it.
It's what neighbors do.
And thanks for
letting me stay.
Are you sure
everything's okay?
I think I left my
baseball cap over
here. Is Doug home?
I don't think
you were wearing it.
I must have been.
Could I look for it?
Was that you
who called?
Shit. That was so
funny. Was that Larry?
What did he say?
He asked if you
were my boyfriend.
The bastard!
He was always like
the downer twin.
I tried to be his friend,
but, uh, not necessary.
Ah, maybe it's over here.
Look, it's kinda tricky
if you call my house.
My mom thinks you're
like a crime lord.
Still?
Hey, have the
cops been here?
No. Why? Have they
been to your house?
I don't wanna
talk about it!
Shit. That's the
last thing I need.
Your head looks better.
Than what?
So, do you wanna
do something later?
I can't.
My mom's home.
She's like a shut-in.
I talked my mother
into taking her to bingo.
What, tonight?
They're like paper
and scissors.
More like rock
and scissors.
You should come over.
Okay. See you later.
Come on!
Hi, Mr. Post.
You haven't seen
my cap, have you?
No. Seen the
goddamn remote?
You! Who is
that kid, anyway?
It's Billy.
Get out of my room!
Billy who?
Get out of my room!
Uh, my mom
won't be long.
Are you going
to bingo, too?
I thought it was
just old ladies
that went.
I heard that.
It's better
than staying
home with my father.
Ma, you know Katrina.
Hi, Katrina.
Mrs. Post is
waiting in the car.
Right. Larry!
Dinner is ready.
Don't mind my father. We
don't call him Tiny 'cause
he has a lot of patience.
He's just
dropping us off.
You call him Tiny?
Not to his face.
Well, I hope
you both win.
I don't know
about you, Katrina,
but I have about as
much chance of winning
as shitting a gold Cadillac.
Turkey, chicken.
Don't fight over them.
Bye, Katrina.
Im having the turkey.
Im having the turkey.
You always
have the turkey.
Im having the turkey.
Why do you always have
to be a jerk?
You should go live
with dad. Make
everyone happy.
Everyone except
me and Dad.
You'll just get
drunk later and end
up throwing it up.
Fuck off, Billy.
Make sure you throw
it up somewhere
other than here.
It's hot.
You only have yourself
to blame for that.
Hey, what's going on?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
He threw a fucking
TV dinner at me!
What'd you do that for?
Because he's
a Mildred!
That was you who
called here earlier.
So what of it?
You hurt Billy again,
and I'll kick your
ass. Again.
Let me see.
Oh, man.
Walking on a dream
How can I explain
Talking to myself
Will I see again
We are always running
For the thrill of it
Thrill of it
Always pushing up
The hill searching
For the thrill of it
On and on and on
We are calling out
And out again
Never looking down
Im just in awe of
What's in front of me
Is it real now
Two people become one
I can feel it
Two people become one
Im gonna kick ya.
Come on, man.
What is it?
Looks like some
form of trouble.
It's open.
Look what I got.
Cool!
Searching for
The thrill of it
On and on and on
We are calling out
And out again
Never looking down
Im just in awe of
What's in front of me
Oh, yeah!
Is it real now
Two people become one
I can feel it
It'll be all right.
There's nothing we
can do about it now.
Someone would have
called an ambulance.
It was an accident, Doug.
They were speeding.
It wasn't
anybody's fault.
Hello?
Hi, it's Mom.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Is your father home?
Ah, no. He hasn't
picked you up?
No.
Ah, Im sure
he'll be there
soon. He's not here.
Well, when did he leave?
Oh, when did he leave?
Uh, I don't know.
I fell asleep,
okay? Bye.
Is that sirens?
What? Sirens?
Uh, I don't know.
There must be an accident
somewhere, or a fire.
Im sure he'll be there
soon. Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, shit. What if
that was my father?
Billy, did you see
the car? Did it look
like my father's car?
Doug, you gotta stay calm.
It could have been
anybody's car.
He's probably
just running late.
It'll be cool, all right?
We have to go
over there.
No, we don't!
Billy, I've gotta
know. We have to go
over there.
Shit, the bowling ball!
The bowling ball.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's his father.
His name's Tiny Post.
Dick.
We're gonna be
here for a while.
Im Officer Barret.
What's your name, son?
William Conway.
Friend's name?
Douglas Post.
This boy here
is the man's son.
His name's Douglas Post.
Im Officer
Passman, Douglas.
Im very sorry, son,
but there was nothing
we could do for your dad.
It was an accident.
Yeah, it was
a bad accident.
I'd better
take him home.
No, Officer, I--
It was a bad
accident, Doug.
No. It wasn't meant
to happen like this.
You need a glass
of water, dear.
Come with me.
That's a good idea.
Thank you, Mrs. Smolensky.
I think what he was
trying to say was
his father drinks a bit.
Uh-huh.
Terrible business this,
Buster Bill. Are you okay?
I only ever see
you when something
dreadful's happened.
Don't worry about
a thing, Buster.
Im looking after you.
Mom!
Mrs. Post,
Im Officer Passman.
If you'll please move
to the side of the road.
A car will come
and take you home.
Im so sorry.
Please, get in the car.
Billy, let's go.
Let's get out
of here. Now.
Billy, come on!
Here. There's
some vomit.
It's practically
the whole front page.
I don't wanna see that.
What's wrong
with you, Larry?
He used to be
in the navy.
What's that story?
"Streakers in
shoplifting spree."
"Last night, two naked
teenage youths wearing
ski masks
"surprised 80-year-old
cashier, Emily Barstow,
"at Drummond's Grocery
Store, when they raced
in and stole a bag of candy.
"Mrs. Barstow said
the smaller of the
two individuals
"had a gauze dressing
in the middle of his back,
"but she didn't see much
else to distinguish
the offenders.
"The larger youth
then reportedly stole
a bottle of whisky
from the Liquor Barn
next door, before the
pair fled on foot."
Well, it's official.
I've now heard
of everything.
Where were you
last night, Billy?
I was here.
You were the one
who went out.
I thought you might
have gone shopping
with a friend.
Poor lady at the store.
She probably
got a thrill.
I don't know. The paper
said she didn't see much of
anything to distinguish them.
Except that gauze.
Hi. My mom made it.
Shit!
What did the cops say?
They thought it was
weird there weren't
any skid marks.
What about
the bowling ball?
Did they mention
anything about it?
No. Was it under the car?
I don't know.
My mom made me go.
Did you see the article
in the paper about
us streaking?
We'll be all right.
Come on, deep breath.
Who's at the door?
It's me, Mrs. Post.
Billy Conway. My mom
baked you a cake.
I knocked it
with the door.
It was an accident.
Hi, Billy.
Hi. Im sorry
about your father.
About Mr. Post.
Thank your mother
for the cake. It
was a nice thought.
Trust me, it's probably
better off this way.
Sorry.
Dropped it.
No, is that Tiny?
What'd he do to himself,
eat an ice cream truck?
Come on, where's
your sense of humor?
Face like yours,
you think it'd be
standard equipment.
Your home is lovely.
Oh, thank you.
I'd offer you a piece
of your delicious cake,
but it's all gone.
Oh, Bob.
Excuse me
for a moment.
Dottie.
Im so sorry
for your loss.
Yes, thank you,
Becky. Thank you.
Gloria, this is Bob,
and his daughter Becky.
Hi. My son, Billy.
It's terrible.
The world's
so unpredictable.
I lost my wife
a few years back
in an accident.
I lost my daughter
eight years ago.
Accident?
Im so sorry.
Thanks.
Oh, Dougie, Doug,
come. Come meet Bob.
He was a workmate
of your father's.
Your Dad was a hell
of a guy. A big character.
It's a-it's
a real shame.
He was very nice
to my daughter and me
when my Peggy
passed away a
few years back.
It's terrible.
Oh, Im so very,
very sorry for
your loss.
Don't cry.
Becky. Becky.
So, who died?
Oh, Louise!
Oh, my goodness.
Louise, we're
having the wake.
Of course you are.
Oh, come on, sis.
You could use a
cheer up. So, cheer up.
Everything is gonna
be all right.
I like what you've done.
Well, I haven't
done anything.
Well, it looks roomier.
Dougie. Poor Dougie.
Come, give your Auntie
Louise a little kiss.
Is that peach fuzz?
Oh, this calls
for a drink.
You know what they say.
When God closes a door,
he opens a beer.
Trina. Trina!
Oh, Im so,
so sorry.
That sofa.
It was like sitting
next to the Grand Canyon.
I was expecting an echo.
What did you think
of that guy and
his daughter?
Why do you ask,
you ask, you ask?
The guy's all right,
don't you think?
No, I don't think. Anyway,
there's a major fruit loop
alert on the daughter.
I hope this isn't leading
to an episode of the
Dating Game,
'cause my boot might
have to go on a date
with your teeth.
So, what do you think?
Was it an accident,
or did he do it on purpose,
on purpose, on purpose?
It's not funny.
Not funny,
not funny,
not funny.
Hey, what's the matter?
I always think
the next funeral
will be Gene's.
I can't go home.
How is he?
He's the same, Ma.
It'll be all right.
When? When they're
making snowballs in
hell, that's when.
I walk in that
house, and Gene
is just everywhere.
I wash my face,
but I don't look
in the mirror.
I look in the sink
where the chips were taken
out with a ball pein hammer
when he was trying
to kill ants.
Every morning,
there's the carpet
with the melted patch
where the chemistry
experiment went wrong,
or right,
if you're Gene.
And I know it's
another day and,
I can't--
It's another day
and I can't go.
You look like hell.
You always knew
how to sweet talk me.
Im not signing
the divorce papers,
so let's not
pretend this is
about sweet talking.
Im not gonna come back.
What do you think
they're talking about?
Probably what a
little pussy you are.
The divorce, dipshit!
Can you hear anything?
His balls
being crunched.
What balls?
Sh, I-I can hear Dad.
Dad just said
Billy's a faggot.
Whenever the shit hits
the fan, you're the
one to check out.
Don't.
Nobody's meant
to get out of
this easily.
The boys hate you,
you know that.
No.
We have a son
who is never
gonna come home.
God damn us
to Hell's Asshole
that we don't have
a home for him to
come home to.
What can I say?
Im the spokesman
for the useless bastards
everywhere, and Im sorry.
We can't wait
for Gene to die, Gloria.
We'll waste away with
him. Lose all feeling.
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
He's drunk.
Im not.
What happened
to your back?
Billy went streaking!
I did not.
He's lying.
With Douglas Post.
That's completely nuts.
He's an alcoholic!
Hey, hey, that's
enough. That's enough!
See all the fun you've
been missing out on?
Let's go. You're
coming with me.
Happy now?
What, that I got
burned with a TV dinner?
Larry is more
hurt than anyone.
Even Gene.
Hey, it'll be
better now, Ma.
I promise.
How in the hell
is that supposed
to happen?
Im divorced.
Divorced.
I have one child
who's dead, one
who is a vegetable.
Another one who
apparently is a drunk.
And you. You, who
I thought I could trust,
take off your clothes
and run through stores
stealing things!
That wasn't me!
I wasn't born in
Stupidville anytime
around breakfast.
I'll call your
father back here.
He can take you, too.
Larry threw the dinner
at me and, I don't know,
I needed
to not kill him.
And Doug Post
happened to come by.
Douglas Goddamn Post!
What in the name
of Retarded Bill are you
doing hanging around with him?
Im not hanging
around with him.
So Douglas Goddamn Post
just happens to come
by here? Please, explain.
Yeah, he was going to the
store and wanted to know
if we needed anything.
And you said, yeah, I need
to air my balls and steal
things from Drummonds.
I swear to God if I
catch you with that
son of a bitch again,
I am gonna burn a much bigger
patch on your thieving,
sneaking little back.
Do you hear me?
And you won't.
I promise.
B-12.
My Dougie was
such a big help
through everything.
I don't know what
I would have done.
You know, Douglas
is a good kid.
He was so upset.
G-52.
Where was that number
when it would have
done me some good?
He's just like
the rest of the
useless bastards.
Who?
The doofus up there
with the little balls.
He's single.
1-16. Sweet 16.
What'd you think of
Bob? From the wake?
He's very nice.
The daughter's
a panoramic fruit display.
You don't have
to date her.
There's some big
shindig on over at
the navy base tonight.
I could ring him,
if you want.
Billy thinks
it's a good idea.
O-68.
Did he put you
up to this?
Oh. Bingo! Bingo!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
Great. She's funding
a color scheme.
So, whose
house is this?
Just you wait.
It's so nice
finally to meet
you, Billy.
Your father has told me
so much about you.
He hasn't said
anything about you.
Yeah, I know.
We were keeping
it under wraps
until we were sure,
you know, of us.
Higher.
Meat's almost ready.
So, are you sure?
Yes, Larry,
we're very sure.
Because Connie's pregnant.
Larry! Honestly.
Your brother is
such a joker.
So, you're not pregnant?
Where'd you get
that idea? Ray?
I heard you two
talking about it.
Billy, push.
Well, we're not
really sure about it.
You know, five weeks.
Higher!
Oh, Ray, it's on fire!
Oh.
Hey, will I pass
in a crowd?
Depends on how
big it is.
About as big as that blood
clot on your face. What the
hell happened now?
We went to the fun park.
Fun park?
Yeah, it wasn't
much fun. Why are
you all dressed up?
Fun park?
Yes, I banged
my nose on the bar.
I've got a date
with your friend
Bob. Remember him?
I was about to take
an estrogen tablet. Oh.
And a nerve pill.
Make that two nerve pills.
Oh.
Your earrings
aren't right.
You're definitely
gonna pass.
Oh.
Hey, stop.
That's to keep you
out of trouble.
All right, I need
to practice dancing.
Oh! What are you doing?
I don't know.
Maybe he hurt his
leg since we saw him.
I don't care
if they were both
blown off at the hip.
He better drag his
goddamn ass to the door
or Im not going anywhere.
You get it.
Hello, Gloria.
You're looking nice.
Sorry if Im late. I--
That wasn't the sorry
I was looking for.
You remember Billy? Bob.
Hi, Billy.
Ouch.
Billy, hi.
Come on in.
You smell nice.
I do not.
Sorry.
You're not gonna
bust my balls all
night, are you?
Look who's here.
Hi. Billy.
Hi, Mrs. Post.
My mom just went
off on her date.
Thank you for
the update.
I mean, it was nice
of you to set it up
and all. Thank you.
Well, I just came by
to say thanks. Again.
And see what
Katrina was doing.
Bob is a very nice man.
I hope so.
Want some cake?
Yes, we have
plenty of cake.
You're full
of surprises.
Surprises?
Oh, God, I haven't
danced in a long time.
I assume Dottie told
you about everything
that's happened.
Well, I hope so.
I'd hate for there
to be more.
I miss my father
and everything, but--
Does that sound bad?
I miss my father and
everything, but?
It's just that he could
be such a mental case
when he wanted to be.
I think I ought to be
able to make some
mistakes sometimes.
My mom can get kind
of screw-loosy, too.
She went full scale
psychiatric at me
the other night.
What did you do?
I got caught streaking.
Streaking? That was you?
Oh, my God!
That was you!
Who was the other guy?
My brother.
Weird, but okay, I guess.
My Aunt Louise
gave it to me.
You'll get used to it.
You wanna kiss
for a while?
Come on, streaker.
I--yeah, okay.
Then can we get
some more cake?
Not like that.
So, how did
your wife die?
Uh, electrocuted.
Oh, God.
Washing dishes.
Wow.
Sorry.
Im sorry, it just
caught me by surprise.
I hate doing
the dishes!
Yeah, so do I.
You would.
Oh, God.
Where have you been?
At your house.
Looking for you.
The official police
report came through.
It says my father
committed suicide.
Wow, that's good,
isn't it?
No. The insurance
company doesn't
pay for suicide.
Oh. Oh.
We have to go
to the Police.
Are you crazy, Doug?
My mom would--
I've got a mother,
too, you know.
Hey, it'll be all right.
You know, like I said,
this shit happens.
You've just got
to forget about it.
I can't. My mother
has to get a crap job.
Im messing up at school.
Don't play the sob
story game with me,
okay, Doug?
Because I'll win.
Like hands down.
Look, going to the Police
isn't gonna help.
You smell
like perfume.
And pot.
I've been
with Katrina.
What do you mean?
We smoked pot,
and we made out.
Can you really
smell it on me?
Hey, Doug.
What if they think
we did it on purpose?
Look, Im sorry
you lost your father,
but this could turn
into a great big shit
shower with, like, no soap.
Gene would come with me.
He wouldn't wimp.
Yeah. Shit
certainly does happen.
Doug, wait. Wait.
Just give me a
couple of days, okay?
Just a couple.
I have to tell
my mom first.
You have until Monday.
Any calls?
No.
Hey, don't worry.
He'll call.
Yeah. And the Pope
has a key to the
Playboy mansion.
What are you making?
I made dinner.
Could you be a
little more specific?
I can't even
be approximate.
Im so hungry I could
eat a crowbar and
shit a jungle gym.
Good. All those loose
screws you have will
finally come in handy.
That's good.
You know, I--
I've been thinking
about the accident.
Are you missing
your sister?
No. I mean,
I miss Gene.
I didn't ask you
if you missed Gene.
You don't think
I miss Gene?
I asked you if
you missed your sister.
I don't really
remember her.
How can you say that?
I don't.
I remember her
playing music, but--
You'd better think
good and hard
because you can do
a hell of a lot better
than her playing music.
I meant
Mr. Post's accident.
I was talking
about that one.
There's something--
You get it.
If it's Bob, tell him
Im-Im cooking, uh,
cooking dinner.
Go on!
Im busy
for a minute.
Hello?
Hey, Billy. Dad here.
Connie thinks you're great.
Is it him?
It was a nice
day, wasn't it?
Ah, yeah.
Well, the good news is,
Who is it?
Connie and I are
getting married.
On Sunday.
We'd really love it
if you could be there.
Yeah, okay.
Great. Great.
I'll pick you up
around 10:00, okay?
Uh, yeah. Okay.
Bye!
Okay.
Sorry I can't
help you out.
Our television's a
piece of crap. Goodbye.
Somebody doing
a survey.
All that's left
to do is sign the
registry book.
Congratulations,
Mr. and Mrs.--
Conway-Kellywood.
So, this mysterious
bowling ball.
Now, you say you
stole it from a car.
Which car?
It was a black
ball--car.
I think the
car was black.
It was a black car?
Black or blue.
It was a dark color.
Where was it?
Where was it?
Im talking to you.
I think it was on the
other side of the hill.
Okay, I don't get it.
What's this all about?
What makes two kids
who have never been
in trouble before,
suddenly start taking their
clothes off and breaking into
cars and stealing things?
You do realize
you're up against
manslaughter here?
Involuntary--
Zip it.
It was an accident. We didn't
mean to do it. I tried to tell
you guys afterwards but,
I got the hiccups.
Really? You wouldn't believe
how many good confessions are
just ruined by the hiccups.
So,
you returned
to the scene of
the crime, to confess.
We had to get
the bowling ball.
But it wasn't there.
So, what happened
to it, Billy?
It disappeared.
Look, I admit,
I wished my father
was dead sometimes.
But we didn't mean
to kill him, all right?
He was fat.
He was supposed
to die of a heart attack.
Same old Billy,
sneaking around.
At least you've got
your clothes on.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you gonna
welcome me home?
What do you mean home?
Connie's a cow.
Shit, Larry, does
ma know you're here?
What do you think?
You didn't tell her
about Connie the Cow.
You're the bad son.
Good luck.
Ma?
You okay?
Im sorry.
Im really sorry.
It's just you
had that date
with Bob, and--
Bob's an idiot.
Yeah, but so is dad.
And so the Christ are you.
I thought I
could trust you.
Oh, what the hell
else aren't you
telling me?
I was trying
to protect you.
I don't need
protecting, Billy.
I need someone
who's on my side.
I was just worried
you might take it bad.
What in the hell
is wrong with you?
Of course I was
gonna take it bad.
Your father tried
to kill himself.
What?
Yeah. After the accident.
How do you think he broke
both damn ankles? It wasn't
doing the ha-cha-cha!
The goddamn
branch broke!
Im the strong
one, Billy. I am.
I've had my share
of problems, but they
should have been our problems,
your father's and mine.
Connie?
Connie Goddamn Conway.
It's Conway-Kellywood.
And she's pregnant.
Liquor Larry in there
already told me, so
save your breath.
Mr. Post's accident
wasn't really an accident.
Not like everyone thinks.
What?
Doug and I stole
a bowling ball out
of someone's car.
And I bowled it.
It was just
meant to be fun,
but it went down
the hill and,
Mr. Post swerved
to avoid it, and--
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
Douglas Goddamn Post.
Connie Goddamn Conway
Kennel Compound.
And Billy.
Kick me in the teeth and thanks
for goddamn nothing little
Mr. Shit For Brains.
Anything else you've
been keeping from me?
We were at the Police
station. We told them
everything.
Great. Perfect. And?
They didn't find the bowling
ball. But they're gonna
investigate further.
They thought it was suicide
and the Post's insurance
doesn't pay for that.
So Douglas Goddamn Post
thought maybe we
should confess,
and maybe it would help.
And what part did
a guilty conscience
play in that?
I thought about it.
I thought about it a lot.
Oh, my God.
You know what's
wrong with you, Billy?
Goddamn brain needs
some more goddamn
brains in it?
You're selfish.
You only think
of yourself.
You're just
like your father,
and I've had it up
to my finish line with
the whole bunch of you!
And to think I had
some hope for you.
I thought you might
amount to something.
I guess I should
have been more specific!
I have this dream.
I n it you're eight,
and Im six again.
And you hold my hand
and walk with me
to school.
That's it.
That's the dream.
They don't lock anybody's
cat in anybody's car,
or the Holoway's dog.
You just hold
my hand and walk
with me to school.
It's a nice day.
Wake up, Gene.
Please, wake up.
How can you
just sit there?
Going up going up
Going up up up
Going up going up
Going up up up
Going up going up
Going up up up
Going up going up
Oh
Like a bubble
Headin' for trouble
Wind is blowin'
In the wrong direction
Ma?
Mm?
I got you something.
I thought maybe
you could keep some
of Linda's things in it.
One time she dressed
me up like a girl.
Yeah, I was
kind of cute.
And we danced sometimes.
We haven't been to
the cemetery in a while.
This was her
favorite song.
Oh, yeah.
I always
hated this song.
Gene's getting
worse, Ma.
Gene, Mom's here.
Maybe I can't do this.
You can.
He looks terrible.
Gene?
Gene?
Im sorry
I haven't been.
I've been trying.
You have whiskers.
Im here. I made it.
What do you
want me to say?
Im so sorry that--
You listening to me?
You never used to.
I n one ear and, I'd
always think, straight
out the same ear.
So, are you
listening now?
I was always here.
And Im here now.
I won't come again.
I can't.
You've made, Gene,
a big light.
A shine.
Are you listening?
Gene, it's your turn.
You have to go.
I love you, son.
Gene, I--
Im gonna go with Ma.
You coming, Larry?
Do you hate me?
No.
Larry?
How could you do that?
How could I not?
Your son and Douglas Post
came forward a few days ago
and claimed they
were responsible for
Douglas's father's death.
Yes. Billy told me that.
I was shocked. You could
have knocked me with over
a dessert spoon
and then eaten
me with it.
Right. Well, We'd like
to question them further
down the station.
You'll need
to come with him.
Oh, Billy, your
halo's slipping.
Don't you have a friend
you have to meet?
Pardon the dueling banjos.
I think there were some cousin
marriages on the father's side.
You might like
to engage a lawyer.
Larry, okay, you've
had enough of the fun.
Now, tell the officers
what you told me.
About what?
Apparently, so my
son tells me,
the Post dope came up
with this whole bowling
ball caper,
so his family
could collect
the insurance money.
I didn't tell you that.
No, Billy did.
After you told me
that were here all night.
What can I tell you?
Billy is an idiot.
I was like yourselves,
gentlemen. I swallowed
the whole story
like it was a shit
cake covered in a
rich chocolate sauce.
I assure you, ma'am,
we didn't swallow
anything.
So, Larry, I'd like
to hear from you.
In your own words,
what happened?
Mm?
The Shithead
and the Asswipe
were here.
All night.
They had TV dinners.
I guess the real
question is, do you
have the bowling ball?
Well, no.
Bingo!
Are you sure?
No. No!
Oh.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry. Sorry!
False alarm.
Just testing
the bingo arm.
Bingo!
The last number called
was G-49. We'll continue.
O-63.
Thank you.
I-27.
I have to hand it to you.
You've got a real
talent in causing
car crashes.
You're smashed.
No, Im serious.
You should take a bow.
I mean, two, two fatal
crashes and Mr. Smolensky.
You're amazing.
I mean it.
You--You really are.
Me, I just had a hand
in one crash and it's
totally fucked me up.
Oh, yeah, thanks for
the alibi, huh, Larry?
Sure. No problem, bro.
I--I just left him.
Gene.
I-I went back.
He-he's--
Where's mom?
Bingo.
Bingo.
I can't handle things
the way you do, Billy.
How do you do it?
How do you not
feel anything?
I feel things.
Im sorry.
Im sorry--
It's not your fault.
Katrina's not here.
I know.
Im sorry about
the insurance.
I think my mom
was a bulldozer
in a past life.
Do you have
any bandages?
B-3.
Excuse me, is there
a Gloria Conway here?
Uh, yeah, that
would be me.
You have a phone call.
That would be her.
Follow me.
It's out the back.
That would be me again.
G-50. Five-oh.
Gene used to be the
center of the universe.
He still has
a big pull.
I tried really hard
to forget about, you know,
everything that's happened.
It's just--
I don't think we
should hang out anymore.
My mother had a full
grown cow when I told
her what we did.
Thanks.
What about Katrina?
Do you like her?
I guess.
Hanging out with you
was like getting
Gene back. It was.
It was-it was better.
It was great,
until everything
went shit shaped.
Doug, Im not exactly
a lucky charm.
Someone's here.
Oh, shit.
It's my mother.
You're not supposed
to be here.
Quick, hide.
Hurry up.
Did we just go
to a bingo parlor,
or did I have
an acid flashback?
Just say no to drugs.
You're home early.
Gene Conway died.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, sweetheart,
it's okay.
It's okay.
This was a long
time coming.
It's for the best.
It's a pity they couldn't
have buried him all
those years ago.
It would have saved
a lot of grief.
I could have sworn
that picture of you two
was in your bedroom.
Maybe you should
go look for it.
You never know what's
waiting around the corner.
It could be an accident,
or it might be
a wonderful surprise.
Larry, for instance,
announced that he and
Katrina were going steady.
You could have knocked
Billy over with a
dessert spoon.
Gloria hugged
Douglas Post
at the funeral.
That was a big
dessert spoon moment.
Connie had a
ten-pound baby girl
named Cassandra Constance
Conway-Kellywood.
Ray was overjoyed.
And Billy's surprise
is yet to come.
I have only one
regret in my life,
Buster Bill.
Im sorry you had
to see Mr. Smolensky
die in that awful way.
You couldn't
have helped that.
It was an accident.
I could have
prevented it.
But more to the point,
you couldn't have.
Nor could you
have saved him.
Some things are
just meant to be,
sad as they are.
We all pay for
our mistakes, Billy.
You paid for yours
long before you made them.
Now you gotta
stop paying.
See what the world
has to offer.
What am I gonna
do with it?
Older brother
Restless soul
Lie down
Lie for a while with
Your ear against the earth
And you'll hear
Your sister sleep talking
Say your hair is long
But not long enough
To reach
Home to me
But y our beard
Someday might be
And she'll wake up
Ina cold sweat on
The floor
Next to a family
Portrait drawn when
You were four
And beside a jar
Of two cent coins that
Are no good no more
She'll lay it aside
Older father Weary
Soul you'll drive
Over your life once
More before you die
Since our grandma
Passed away
You've waited for
Forever and a day
Just to die
And someday soon
You will die
It was the only
Woman you ever loved
That got burnt
By the sun too often
When she was young
And the cancer spread
And it ran into her
Body and her blood
And there's nothing
you can do about it now